Note: set after Josette's story about DCIS taking over Eureka.
Demon Criminal Investigative Services: The King of DCIS Gathers Information.
Daniel looked at his gathered staff. He could like these meetings. "Okay, guys. Let's get started." He looked at Abby. "Is this transfer going to overload you?"
"No." She beamed. "With Stark back and Blake co-heading with him, they'll report anything going on to me. Basically what we do with NID, but I don't have to go visiting as often. Most of them have ethics. Those that don't, Stark promised to turn into something horrible for the unicorns to kick around as a toy."
"Good. Anything there that might be of use here?"
"Deputy Lupo is bringing over some of their weapons to talk to our arms master," Fargo said. "Jo said she wanted to look at some of the lower tech stuff." He smiled. "She likes weapons."
"That's fine. Jack said he's been bored," Xander told him. "If she wants, I'll teach her how to use a sword too, Fargo."
He smiled at him. "She said you'd be too busy probably but she might hit you up if she's here when you're training anyone else."
"Mh-hmm," he said with a nod and a grin. "Because you skipped last Saturday too, Fargo. And the Saturday before then and the one before that too if I remember right."
"Dirt." He pouted. "I don't do it very well, Xander. I trip over my feet."
"So?" He shrugged. "So did I and it might come in handy. Since I saw you handling that big sonic gun on that film Taggert was watching, you can practice more. It'll help with that tripping problem too. It did mine."
"If I must."
"It's mandatory for all base personnel," Daniel reminded him. Fargo gave him a pointed look. "I know how to use a sword. Sort of."
"Practice," Xander reminded him. "Before anything else happens that we have to deal with."
"Yes, Mother," Daniel said with a smirk.
"No, I think that's House with the way he nags," he shot back with an evil smirk, making House choke and splutter. "Speaking of, House, you missed sword practice too. I found a nice sword for you to use and you can use it one handed." He smirked at him.
"You're being pushy," Fargo pointed out.
"That's because there's the base assault is still being foreseen sometime this spring. We don't want people to die. I'd hate to go Rosenburg."
Abby patted him and House swatted him. "I have drugs to cure you if you try that," House assured him. "Plus pretty jackets and straps too. We are not letting you turn into Rosenburg, Xander." Xander gave him a hug, cracking Daniel up.
"It's good he likes you the way you are," Daniel said with a smirk for House.
"Of course I do," House agreed. "Who else would drive me so insane with papercuts and then deny that anything's wrong when he needs stitches?"
Xander smirked. "Just for that, if I *ever* have kids, they're going to call you Grandpa."
"Of course they will," Abby said with a happy grin. "They might call him Grandpa Stitchy, but they'll call him Grandpa."
House reached behind Xander to swat her. "They will not. I'll be that cool grandpa sort who'll teach them to ride my motorcycle when I'm too old to."
"You could teach me," Xander offered.
House looked at him. "Then I'd have to stitch you up when you fell the first few times."
"Isn't that why you have Chase?" Fargo teased.
"Good point, but he doesn't use local like I do," House said smugly.
"I never ask you to, you just do," Xander pointed out. House swatted him again. "Yes, House."
Daniel smiled. "You two should take that act on the road."
"All the way back to New Jersey to kidnap his friend who apparently hates North Dakota for some reason?" Xander suggested, looking at House.
"No, I don't think that's necessary. I finally talked him out of staying away for a few days of moping with his patients. He should be here soon. Where are Amber, Kim, and Stuarana?" He knew, he wasn't sure anyone else had realized though.
"Um.... hmm. I have no idea. I didn't see them at breakfast but they could've slept in," he said with a frown.
"Nope, they weren't in for dinner either," Abby said.
"So maybe they're in trouble?" he guessed, pulling out his phone to call Kim's phone. She was nearly anal about having it with her. "Should I ask where you three are since there's an overhead speaker going?" He groaned, sighing some. "No, bail money isn't always immediate, Kim. What the hell are you doing?" he demanded. The phone was handed over so he rubbed over his face. "This is ISC Watcher Harris. Yes, him," he said dryly. "How badly do I need to spank them?" He let out a small snicker. "They were kidnaping one of our doc's friends so he has to come visit because he's pouting. Well, yes he is but it's still not good of them to kidnap people. Are they going to be arrested or is he pressing charges? If so, I'll be there by tonight to paddle them to death for you." He groaned when the other doctor took the phone. "Hold on, Wilson. Let me hand you to House. Yes, it was thoughtful on their part but they're still in deep damn shit when I get in reaching distance of their asses." He handed the phone over.
"Wilson?" House asked. He smirked at Xander. "No, I'm not pouting."
"Yes he is," Abby called. "He pouts each time you won't come visit him."
"I do not!" he complained, stretching to pop her on the head too. "Please don't. Xander will be making them very sorry."
Xander nodded. "If I can't, John or Sam will," he agreed.
House looked at him. "John saw them making plans but he thought they were going to go nag instead and said it was a delicate situation so they should be subtle."
Xander snorted, shaking his head. "Kidnaping is not subtle unless you're taking them to elope and her daddy has a shotgun."
House repeated that, making Wilson laugh. "Fine, please do bring them home, Wilson. Sure, you can have my pullout or Chase's. We're both here. Thank you and make sure they know they're in deep shit for this. Sure, we can pick you guys up." Xander nodded quickly at that. He made a note. "We'll be there. Later." He hung up and handed the phone back. "They'll be leaving in two hours. That gets them at the airport at ten."
"So I can beat their asses right before they go to bed," Xander said with a smirk. "Then in the morning in front of the others. Daniel, can I bring one of the SUV's? There's no way we'll all fit in a sedan."
"That's fine, Xander. Let me know how long they're grounded for."
"I'm sure you'll hear John yelling about it," he said dryly. "Do I need to know more or can I go warm up my hand and have dinner?"
"Go eat and warm up your hand," Daniel said. "Tell John and his boys too."
"Yeah, soon. Let me eat first." He walked off shaking his head. He ran into Brenda by the caf. "Tell the guys that I need them in Wes's office for a short talk that'll include yelling by at least one of us." She gave him a dirty look. He stared back. Then he walked off grumbling.
She walked in and went right to John. "Xander's complaining under his breath all the way to Wes's office and needs you guys there to have at least one of all of you yell. He did not look happy."
"Going," Dean said, getting up. John finished his current mouthful and walked off too. The girls would protect his plate. They knew not to steal off of it. Sam was in Cleveland with Gibbs at the moment to help handle a problem higher demon that had shown up. Wes walked out muttering and cleaning his glasses. Dean walked in first and sat down since Xander was still grumbling while kicking the filing cabinet. "That bad?"
Xander looked at them then smirked at John. "Did we think they were going to be *that* subtle since they were making kidnaping plans to get Wilson out here?"
John gave him a dirty look. "No they weren't."
"Yeah, they were. The hospital's security people stopped them from kidnaping Wilson. He's not pressing charges but we have to decide what to do with our thoughtful little brats when they get back tonight."
"They did what?" Wesley demanded, sitting down. This seemed like a sitting down conversation.
"Kim, Amber, and Stuarana had plans to go to New Jersey to talk to House's friend, Wilson, to see why he wouldn't come out and talk him into it," John said, staring at Xander. "I told them to be polite and subtle more than nag."
Xander nodded. "That's what they said. So instead, they decided subtle was a kidnaping." He smirked at him. "I'm not blaming you. I know you don't read minds or Dean would have a really flat ass." John relaxed and sat down. "But he's not pressing charges thankfully. Even if Cuddy is *way* pissed at them."
"I dare say they're in trouble," Wesley said. "Grounded to base for at least a month."
John gave him a look. "Wes, this isn't a grounding offense. Even if their hearts were in the right place, they're in deep shit for this one." He looked at Dean. "Input?"
"I agree with that," Xander said. "Good slayers do not kidnap."
Dean smirked. "Want me to ask Faith to spank them? I might not stop. Also, there's that nosy bitch reporter in town who wants to find something dirty on us. She might say something if one of us guys did it."
Xander stared at him. "Think she would?"
"They're coming in at ten tonight. I promised to pick them up."
"Sure, we can do that," Dean agreed with a nod. He looked at his father, who nodded that was fine with him. "Wes?"
"I can't believe they decided kidnaping was subtle!"
"Stuarana was making the plans. Kim and Amber wanted to talk to him but I'm betting she managed to talk Amber into it, who talked Kim into it," Dean said.
"Probably," Xander agreed dryly. He leaned on the cabinet, propping one arm on it. "Anything beyond spanking? Are we grounding as well?"
"Hell yes," John told him. "All three have no privileges until school starts."
Dean nodded. "Reasonable. You would've about killed us and then left us in a hotel room while you hunted something down to shoot repeatedly."
Wesley nodded. "I don't favor corporal punishments but this is a trend we will not see continued. Shall I talk to Buffy or Faith?"
"No, I will," Dean promised, standing up. "Let Faith vent, get a bit of calming down time."
"Since there's four of them, Daniel said I could use an SUV."
"She can drive," Dean said dryly. "Not my Impala, but she can drive." He walked off to find her.
Xander looked at John. "I know you would've stopped them. That's why I told Brenda one of us would be yelling."
John nodded. "For many hours tonight." He stood up. "Thanks, kid."
Xander grinned. "Hell, we all wanted to help the situation, because House is pitiful when he mopes, but I know you tried to teach them subtlety, John." John smirked and walked out. He looked at Wes, who shook his head with a groan, slumping down a bit. "So, any other teenage vigilantes of anti-moping you've seen?"
John leaned in again. "Mary was planning something to help with that situation."
"Ask Chase to make sure she didn't get into the drug cabinet again to get them a sedative?"
"I can do that. That is her level of planning. She gets it from Gibbs."
"The girls turn into us because we train them," Xander agreed dryly, smirking at him. "That's why Brenda wears your shirts and tinkers with your truck's engine when she can't sleep and Dawn gets up to play music and screw around with other things."
John walked off laughing. It was good they didn't doubt him stopping them but that was a cute image. Brenda would never touch his truck when he wasn't there.
Xander looked at Wes.
"If she had something to do with it, I'll let Gibbs reprimand her and ground her as well," Wesley assured him, standing up. "Let me send out a watcher memo about the girls plotting again."
"Hopefully they'll calm down this year."
"We all hope some of the girls calm down some day, Xander. You've turned some of them quite bouncy by example." He smirked as he walked out.
Xander shrugged. "Not my fault I'm bouncy." He went to get his own dinner, flopping down at the table. All the girls stared at him. "Yes, we're going to have a long damn lecture later on about slayer morals and what the concept of subtle means."
Anna gave him a hurt look. "Some of us are very subtle." Mary squeaked and tried to hide. She stared at her. "What did you do?"
"She should go confess to Gibbs before he makes it back from Cleveland," Xander said dryly. "If she helped them in *any* way."
"I only looked up the hospital's layout for them," Mary complained from her hiding spot.
John walked in and pulled her up by the back of her neck, staring down at her. "Sleeping pills?"
"I did not!"
He looked at the other sneaky one. "Anna?"
"Um, Shea had me get her one the other night when she was limping?"
Xander sighed, stuffing his mouth before he could say anything.
"Did Shea have something to do with the stupidity that Kim, Amber, and Stuarana were tied up with?"
"No," she said, shaking her head quickly. "She was trying hard not to sneak out to go fondle her boyfriend since he's grounded. She was bouncy like when she tried House's vicodin and was coming down."
John let go of Mary's neck. "No more. Shea can go to the infirmary herself, girls." He sat down, noticing someone had refilled his plate. "Thank you, Brenda."
"Welcome," she said, smiling at him. "What did they do that we need lectures too? Did they do bad girl things like the ones in Cleveland did?"
"No, they decided to break laws," Xander said dryly. He stuffed his mouth again. He heard Faith yelling so looked outside. Dean waved him off, following after her. "Dean's got it," he told John.
"I like them together. They suit each other's wilder sides very well." He went back to his dinner and coffee.
Dean found where Faith was lounging. She had eaten earlier because she was in a crabby mood and didn't want to eat with all the younger girls. "Hey." She looked up at him. He took her book. "Before you throw it at me," he said at her heated look.
"Why would I do that?"
"We're deciding if you, me, or Xander is going to get the three missing slayers who went all the way to kidnaping."
"Excuse me?" she demanded cooly. He nodded. "Who in the hell?"
"The cute twosome and our stocking one."
She growled. "Are they in jail?"
"Wilson's not pressing charges since they were trying to make House feel better."
Her growls got louder. "Where are they?"
"Coming back at ten. That's when their flight with Wilson lands."
She let out a scream of rage. "I'll beat them to death!"
"We all agreed they deserve the spanking and grounding this time." She stormed off. He followed, waving at the windows since he saw at least one person watching. "Calm down. They weren't thinking right but their hearts were in the right place. Dad caught 'em and told them to be more subtle than going to whine." She turned to glare at him. "He didn't know."
"They're only being spanked?"
"Spanked, grounded with no privileges until school starts. We're debating which one of us won't paddle them there in the airport. Then Xander promised to talk to the other girls."
She shuddered. "No, I will." She walked inside, going to the caf. "Ladies, slayer team meeting after dinner. It's time we had some talking about truth of life stuff." She stomped off.
"Oooh, she's really pissed," Mary said with a wince.
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Dean, I can pick them up if she wants," he called.
"No! You can't!" Faith called.
"Okay then," he decided, looking at Daniel, who shrugged. "I'll put pillows in the SUV for them," he decided.
"What did they do?" Mary hissed at Xander. Who gave her a dirty look. "Ooh, are they going to jail like Faith did?"
"He's not pressing charges. Remember, bail money is not immediate, ladies. It's for when you get in trouble for doing your jobs." He stuffed his mouth again. John gave him a dirty look. "Sometimes it does happen."
"I know, but it shouldn't." He finished eating, herding the girls back there. Faith was in the common room and he noticed all the windows had been shut. He turned on a fan for air circulation then got out of the way.
"Ladies, we've got to talk about what happens when you girls mess up like I did way back when." She stared at them. "Prison, it ain't fun and games, ladies. HBO was *nice* about how bad prison is." They all shuddered and a few slumped. "So we'll be talking about that now before I go beat those three to death later."
"If you're that hot, Xander's going," John ordered. "That way you don't damage them permanently."
She gave him a hurt look. "I won't."
"Good. Then I'll let you pick them up so I can yell too."
She smirked. "Done deal." She looked at the girls again. "Let's go over what's right and wrong, for a start." She started to pace but got out what she wanted to say. At the end, Dean sat down to cuddle her.
"None of them will end up in the same spot," he said quietly, giving her the cuddle she needed. "Not if we can help it and we will." She looked at him. "You survived a shitload of things, Faith, all so you could get to this point." She nodded, resting against him. "Relax. They'll be going straight."
He smiled. "How can they not? You're scary when you need to be and they need you to be. They'll never be this stupid again." She smiled weakly. "And then you'll start working up ways to scare boyfriends off the younger set again since I saw one of Mary's classmates eyeing her backside the other day."
She looked up at him. "Mini-mouth!" she called. Mary came jogging down the stairs. "Do we gotta talk about brushing boys off your ass already?"
She gave her older friend an odd look. "Why would you?"
"That brunette little boy at the park the other day during the pre-class picnic," Dean said.
"Um, no," she said, giggling a bit. "He's majorly crushing but I personally think he's gay and in denial. He doesn't want me." She hugged Faith. "You made it all the way to here, Faith. Remember, we're your reward for going through the bad things. Even Dean is because you got a hotty hunter who can understand and keep up with you. Some day he'll have to find me and Anna one." She skipped off. "Anna, Peter was staring at me," she complained all the way up the stairs.
"Ewww," floated down. "That's disgusting! We need to set him up with a boy so he realizes!"
"Let him discover that on his own," Dean called. "If you try to force it, he'll end up a bad guy or a serial killer." He looked at her with a grin. "I do make a very good reward."
She pinched him. "Now and then, yeah. Still your turn to hit the pharmacy."
She looked up at him. "Are we out again?"
"Nope. Barely but nope."
"Ehh, so we'll have normal people sex." He grinned and she got up to relieve some of her tension and realize how good of a reward he was for her. If the other girls minded they'd complain later about the noise from her room.
Xander smiled at the people coming off the plane. "You're damn lucky I couldn't get Faith up, ladies." They all flinched. "SUV, now. Let him get his bag and head." They ran for the baggage claim. "Doctor Wilson, Xander Harris."
He shook his hand. "I remember when you showed up. House is really that pitiful?"
"He mopes each time you two talk because you wouldn't come out. He's even been playing depressing jazz again." Wilson groaned. "I'm about to set him up with some filthy hooker so he has something new to complain about."
Wilson shook his head. "He said you were a lot like him sometimes." They walked toward the baggage claim together. "They had a good plan."
"It won't save their asses."
"I didn't figure it would," he admitted but he was smiling. "It proves how much they like House."
"We all do. Well, some of the military guys on base don't but regular DCIS people do." He grinned. "An associated project had a viral outbreak so they had to evacuate."
"I can understand that. Better to be safe than dead."
"Yup." He got them into the SUV, waving at the parking guy. He paid the toll on the way out then drove them toward the interstate. "Ladies, do you want me, John, Dean, or Sam to beat your asses? We won't let Faith since she's so hot she told the other girls all about their life after they get caught and arrested."
"We were trying to be helpful," Kim pouted.
"Which is all that's saving your asses from death," he assured her. "Faith got so upset she went on a two-hour talk about prison." He glanced back there at a light then drove on. "You're all *so* in deep shit. Grounded until school starts. No privileges. And beaten by one of us."
"Yes, Xander," Amber said quietly, looking at her hands. "It was my plan."
Wilson looked back at her. "That's noble, Amber, but I doubt it'll save her." Xander shook his head. "Has everyone calmed down?"
"Dean got Faith calmed down. Mary reminded her that he's her reward." The girls all cooed at that. "Which is why she was too tired to beat you in the airport herself."
Stuarana flinched. "It needed to be done. House mopes awfully and he's getting depressed. He didn't even joke when we came in for stitches after shopping and getting pounced by the high demon and his cheerleader girlfriend."
Wilson sighed. "It'll be okay, girls. I promise. Even if you can't sit tomorrow."
"Or for the next week," Xander quipped.
"Can we run?" Kim asked.
"Nope. We can track you girls. Beyond that, your woods lore is still pretty underused, Kim."
"Good point. Is Amber moving back to her room?"
"I thought we gave her room to someone," he said dryly.
She smiled at her girlfriend. "Then it won't be so bad."
"Sex is a privilege."
"Hmm," Xander agreed. He turned on the radio, shaking his head when he had to change the station. "Horatio must've been in it. Only he and Mac listen to classical music and he won't let Mac drive when it's just them." Wilson smiled at that. "So, anyway, House's new apartment is very nice and soundproofed. Mostly. Now and then Abby and Rodney wake him up during physics sex."
"Physics sex?" Wilson asked.
"She's our forensic and lab goddess. He's an astrophysicist."
"Ah!" He nodded quickly. "I'm sure he's learning a lot."
"No, after the day of squealing over theorems he asked them to please put up a white noise generator. Politely even. He was a bit tired that day."
"He is depressed," he sighed, looking out the window. "It's pretty country."
"You should see it in winter when it's miles and miles of snow."
Wilson smiled. "That's got to be prettier than snow on a street that's now slush and dog pee."
"Yeah, it can be." He grinned at him. "You'll get him back to his usual snarkific self again. Even Chase has been giving him thoughtful looks and suggesting he go find a hooker."
"He can date."
"He never seems to want to. He likes to hear about mine but I don't think he's went out in months."
"I'll talk with him, Xander."
"Good because I like House like he's family." They shared a look and Xander went back to watching the road. "Shit," he muttered, seeing flashing lights ahead. "They didn't have a sobriety checkpoint earlier."
"They don't do those on the interstate." Xander pulled them over and rolled the window down when the officer came over. "Officer, is there a problem?"
"We've got an escaped convict, we have to check all cars," he said, flashing his flashlight into the back. "Your daughters, sir?" he asked Xander.
"Slayers. I'm ISC."
"Oh, good. I wondered about the vehicle." He moved to check the back then the other side.
Xander glanced back at the girls, who were all grimacing. "No, it's not normal or my fault," he said quietly.
They all nodded. The guy walked back to the driver's window. "Sir, can you pop the trunk?"
"Um, no. This is a federal vehicle, Officer." He pulled out his credentials, showing his sidearm at the same time. "DCIS."
The guy gave him a horrified look. "Um...."
Xander stared at him. "Did you need anything else? I'm picking up a friend's visitor and escorting three slayers back to base."
"Sir, we really do have to check."
"I promise, I'm not picking up hitchhikers," he said dryly. He turned off the engine and locked the door as he got out. The officer gave him a dirty look. "They're teenage girls who're grounded." He smiled at the two guys walking their way. "By the way, Officer, your uniform? Did you lose weight?" The man took a swing at him. Xander laid him low and the other two when they pounced. Kim was already on her phone calling it in. Two more cruisers came screaming up. He held up his ID case. "He was blocking traffic to check cars?"
One came over, checking his ID then handing it back. "Sir, can you put your sidearm in the car?" Xander nodded, doing that. "Thank you, Agent Harris. Better to be safe than sorry."
Xander grinned. "He wanted me to pop the trunk to inspect for an escaped convict."
The officer who had seen his ID shook his head. "That's not protocol. Especially not with official vehicles." He looked inside. "Base personnel?"
"Three grounded slayers and a friend of our docs'. I was picking them up at the airport."
"That's fine, Agent Harris," another said, moving closer. "Can we have them?"
"Sure. He took a swing at me," he said with a point at the officer. "When I asked if he had lost weight because his uniform wasn't fitted very well."
They got them all flipped over. "That's not Philip."
Xander looked around. "Was he last reported here?"
"We think so. He said after the last sign." They looked at him. "Bob, check the trunk and car." He looked at Xander again. "Thank you."
"Not a problem. Can we help? One of the passengers is a doc. I'm not bad as a field medic myself."
"No, thank you, sir."
"Not here," Bob called.
Xander sighed, walking over to look at the car. He stared. "That's blood," he said with a point. "Dried but blood." He went to squat down overtop of one of the convicts, patting him on the face until he woke up. "Where's the real officer?" The guy groaned. "Tell me or I'm putting you in one of the demon only cell blocks in the DCIS prison and letting them turn you into their bitch. Since some of them are very large and the rest are probably carrying things that are contagious to humans....."
"Tom carried him off!" he said, trying to wiggle away. "I didn't see where. We were hiding because Jerry's sick!"
Xander looked at him. "Tom and Jerry? What's your name?"
"Buster." He looked at the officers. "I'm sorry," he sobbed.
"Then we'll take you in. I'm sure Agent Harris won't be pressing charges." The crying man wailed at that name. He grinned at him. "Good rep?" he asked dryly.
"Handle a few apocalypses and everyone thinks you're dangerous." He woke up the fake officer. "Where's the real one?" he asked slowly and clearly. "You can take Buster's place as bitch block in our demon prison if you don't tell me. There is the charge of attempting to kidnap three underage girls and a federal agent." The guy swallowed. "Tell me now or tell an angel of death, kid. Where is he?" he asked more coldly, staring him down. It worked with demons who wanted to evade questions. The guy whimpered. He glared harder. "I've already got to spank slayers tonight. I can do you too. It'll be a good warm up."
The woods!" he shouted with a point.
Xander looked then at him. "Alive?" The guy nodded, swallowing again. "How far out?"
"I walked about ten, twelve minutes, dropped him then walked back."
"Shit," Xander said. "Where did you start from?" He hauled him up. "Show them." They got the other two cuffed with one officer watcher while Xander led him to the side of the road. "Which way?" He pointed. "Let's go."
"I just walked! He's in the trees."
Wilson got out, locking the door again. "Xander, is the other officer injured?" he called.
"Yeah, probably. Stay with the slayers. They'll protect you." He gave the guy a shake. "C'mon. Let's go. Now." The guy walked off with him holding his collar. The officers followed, mostly looking around to make sure nothing else was out here. They found the body after a few more minutes of walking. Then the guy got handcuffed and walked off. Xander checked him. "He's out." He looked up. "Alive but out."
"I'll call for an ambulance, sir. Thank you for taking charge."
Xander grinned. "Scary reps are good to scare guys like that. Would you want to mess with me if you were him?" He stood up, looking at him. "He's been hit on the head it looks like. No idea otherwise." He saw Wilson heading his way. "Just unconscious."
"That's fine, I'm still a doctor." He squatted down to check him over. "You might have them bring a board just in case he hurt his neck or back when he was dropped. It looks like they got a lucky shot," he told the officer, who smiled. He stood up. "Do you need Xander? The girls are getting antsy to get out and help by beating up on your prisoners."
"No, thank you for your help, gentlemen. Are you with the base's docs?" he asked Wilson.
"No, I'm visiting House and Chase. I work at their old hospital back in New Jersey."
"Wonderful." He shook his hand. "Thank you." He shook Xander's hand too. "Have a safe drive."
"I hope he's okay." Xander walked off with Wilson. "I'm a good field medic, Wilson."
"I'm still a doctor and by law I have to help, Xander."
"Fine." He grinned at him. "They wanted to beat up the convicts?"
"Yeah, they tried to hurt you. They were all pouting because you wouldn't let them fuss."
"Nothing to fuss over. My hand's not even sore. Which means there's been too many cases recently," he added dryly. The officers all smiled. "I didn't mean to step on toes, guys, just use the scary rep for something good." They both nodded and smiled. Xander got into the SUV and headed off once Wilson and he were buckled up. He held back a hand, getting his service piece from Kim. "Thank you."
"Welcome. Why are you short a bullet?"
"Found a rat in the garage. Bauer was very amused."
Amber shook her head. "I figured it was something like that or another squirrel."
"No, that one tried to get in again," he said dryly. "I made Dean shoot it again." They all laughed. He called the base. "We're all okay, Danny. The escaped convicts didn't get us. I helped by being my scary self for a minute. Yup, all four of them. About a quarter of the way back. Why? Did you need me to stop and pick up something?" He grinned. "Sure, I can do that." He hung up. "He said to quit shooting the rats." The girls all giggled. "Apparently Jack didn't like it as much as Bauer did."
"Can we stop?" Wilson asked. "So I can pick up some good beer?"
"House went to the store earlier but I don't see why not." The older man smiled at him. "I know, we like to fuss over House. The base is full of sarcastic men. He's just the oldest one so far." Wilson laughed. "Seriously." He turned up the radio before Kim could reach for the knob. "I know that's your song. No snogging."
"Yes, Xander." She and Amber just cuddled through it.
Stuarana sighed. "I need one of those."
"Mine, dear," Amber reminded her.
"I don't want yours. She's fussy about cleaning. I need a boyfriend."
"You have two more years of school," Xander reminded her.
"I know." They all settled in for the long trip back to the base. It was a pretty night.
Xander reported the next morning. "Were they upset?" he asked at his boss's amused look.
"No, they said to say thank you for helping their downed officer when you didn't have to."
Xander shrugged. "Scary reps are good for some things." He grinned. "The girls were all spanked quite well and are very sorry. Wilson walked into House's apartment with more beer and got him drunk so they're both hung over but happier."
"Good. Did you talk to him about staying?"
"Nope. I figure House can talk to him about that."
"He said he wouldn't."
Xander smirked. "Chase."
"Good point." He held up something. "Fargo said he has no idea where you pulled that spelling from."
Xander looked then went to look up that demon's title from the book. It got handed back to Fargo for another proofread then sent off to the proper department.
Daniel went to talk to Sheppard, his Jack, and McKay since they were trying to figure out what to do with Atlantis. "Okay, guys," he said, shutting the door behind himself. They were in his apartment on his living room furniture. "Do we have anything new?"
"I managed to figure out how to reconfigure the shields to keep out the viruses," Rodney told him. "I got the people on the Dadelus to do it for me since Dawn doesn't want to risk a portal."
"So, are we going back?"
"If the shield fails, even a tiny bit, we'll get sick again," McKay admitted, looking at the two Air Force men. "Any ideas?"
"Moving her?" Sheppard asked. "At least away from the mainland or possibly to another planet?"
"We barely have enough Zed PM for takeoff. I'm not sure how we'd land," Rodney admitted. "I also don't remember anywhere that had such a large water basin that could fit it without notice."
Jack nodded. "Can you get the files to check them again?"
"They're on their way back," he assured him. "I was calculating how much power that would take."
"We could move it nearer to where Xander's temple is," Sheppard said with a grin. "They already know about earth people and there's that other portal system in case of emergencies."
"The Athosians?" Daniel asked.
"I talked to Teyla. She said they'd probably want to stay. She's got to talk to them. She's on the ship." That got a few nods from everyone. "Ronon wanted to know about sparring with the senior slayers."
"I think they might like that," Jack offered. "I'll talk to John." He looked at McKay. "How much would moving it to a new planet tax the ZPM?"
"A lot. It may drain it most of the way."
"Have we ever found a way to recharge them?" Daniel asked.
McKay wouldn't mention his...problem if Daniel or anyone else didn't. "I haven't been able to decode that much of the old databases."
"Charlie Epps has an algorithm to translate," Daniel offered. "He's used it for Spenser in the past when someone sent us a serial killer using a supposed mystical language."
"That could help but it'd be a lot of work. It could take months."
Sheppard shrugged. "We downloaded copies for the main base, right?" Rodney nodded, giving him an impatient look. "Then ask him for a copy of it, citing very classified materials, and run it here or on the base."
"I could do that. Abby knows him fairly well." He texted that to her. She sent back a smiley face. "She seems to like the idea." He looked at him. "That's still months of being here."
"The base should be safe until around Halloween. Usually that's when our fall problems and the build up to spring start," Daniel assured him.
"I've heard," he said dryly.
"And saw from the geek building team," John added dryly. "We still have to clean out that closet."
"Yes we do," Daniel agreed. "Because I think Xander's been building weapons again." He looked at Jack. "You're still the head over all that insanity. Which way did you want it to go?"
"I don't want to abandon it. If it's going to tax the ZPM's it's going to be a hard sell to keep it going."
"Then let's start decoding," Daniel told him. "Do we know what ZPM looks like in the database's language?"
"Some of it's in holographic form," John offered. "We can't get it to answer those questions. The last time it glitched and shut down completely." He leaned forward. "Can we get the Asgard to help?"
"No," Jack said. "They're not sure if the virus can affect them or not. They've got too many problems with the cloning issue already."
They all sighed and nodded at that. "Anything from the new group you got given, Danny?"
"Some," he admitted. "They do have power research that we don't. The whole town's mostly solar and nuclear battery powered." Rodney gave him an odd look. "It is." He smiled. "It's been going straight since the forties with very little oversight beyond 'make it practical for our use' by the DoD. Fargo says they've even got their own company spa in town."
"Interesting," Jack said. "I doubt a spa would help us recharge them."
"Would any of their power researchers know anything about ZPM's?" John asked.
"I don't know. I didn't give them one of the empty ones to study." He looked at Rodney, who shrugged. Then at Jack who also shrugged. "Some do have the clearance for that."
"Call one of them up here to chat this week," Jack ordered. Daniel nodded, making that note for himself. "Sheppard, anything bad going on besides pouting Botanists?"
"I stopped their last problem," he reminded him. "The military guys are doing okay. Some would like some longer leave, sir."
"The base is safe enough that we don't need them for defensive capabilities," Daniel told him. "That problematic reporter in town is starting rumors anyway."
John nodded. "So can we?"
"A two week shore leave for everyone who wants it and then come back ready to go ahead when we have plans?" Jack asked.
"That would be reasonable," Rodney agreed. "I, of course, would be here slaving away."
"You'd be here getting in extra girlfriend time," John said dryly, getting an evil look back. "You would."
"I probably would. Radek may stay as well. He said his mother was nagging about grandchildren when he was home." He looked at Daniel. "That knight Radek said Dawn saw?"
"A Knight of Dagon. They were charged to keep the artifact that Dawn's been in contact with out of everyone's hands. They were trying to kill her before. Plus everyone else fighting against Glory."
John shuddered. "I'm very glad I'm not in Sunnydale. Talk about insane."
"You do what you have to do so the world goes on," Daniel said dryly. "Or so Xander said the last time someone asked him if they were all insane after all that." That got a smirk from Jack and John. "McKay, do you think you can use the algorithm to do a guided search for anything on the ZPM while the rest is being decoded?"
"Perhaps. I'll have to see." He texted that to Abby as well, getting a frown. "She's not liking that idea."
Jack looked at he unhappy face and called, shaking his head. "You don't like that idea?" She explained it. "Okay, so can we use it to search for a specific phrase and have it translate those parts? We need to know how to recharge the ZPMs." He listened. "That's fine, Abby. I understand that. Have Fargo call his people to get one of the higher ups out here to talk about their power research people?" He smiled. "That's fine. Thanks." He hung up. "She's already asked Fargo to look in GD's files for anything like a ZPM. He said he didn't find anything but he did find something that reads about in the same power class. It was shut down years ago after two people nearly died trying to make it run a car. It, interestingly enough, came from something that looks like it was dropped from your galaxy by that stupid wormhole." He called someone else. "It's O'Neill. I need one of those uncharged ZPMs that we've been staring at for months on end at the DCIS base for a conference on hopefully getting them recharged." He hung up. "That should help too. It'll give them something to stare at while they wonder."
"What sort of energy byproduct did GD have?" Rodney asked.
"No clue. Fargo didn't tell her more than that."
Rodney got up. "Let me look over those first. Perhaps they had one. Hooking one up to a mundane car would make it blow up." He went back to the lab, stopping in Fargo's office. "That power source?"
He found the report on his desk, handing it over. "It was way too powerful for anything down here."
"Yes, but Zed PMs run things like our project." He walked off reading it, frowning some. "It looks like it was an early Zed PM." He walked into the lab, getting a hug. He looked at Abby. "Good news?"
"Xander has a spare server on the Watcher's system that we can use for decoding. Thomas said he wanted to look at the algorithm anyway to see if anything was mistranslated from the original translations way back when."
"That's good news."
"Also, Thomas found an odd book." She held it up. "Written in Norse. With a prophecy about when Valhalla's doors would close for the final time because no more warriors were born to them." Rodney gave her the funniest look. "It also mentions that if this happens, Ragnarok isn't as close as they thought and it'd be a harder fight. It has suggestions for how to make more warriors."
"Wasn't that part of their plans for conquering?" he asked, looking confused.
She bopped him on the arm with the book. "Thor himself never went and conquered." He took the book to look at. "That's the translated one but he has a copy of the supposed original. One of those Thomas isn't sure if it's translated right."
"Let me get this back to O'Neill. Do you know anyone who can read this language?"
"Xander can. Anya taught him. She was Norse when she was human the first time."
He took a hard, fast kiss. "Thank you." He went jogging off, finding Xander at his desk. "Come along. I have a use for your normal, average brain at this time," he said, grabbing him and pulling before he could get out of his chair. Xander stumbled a few steps but caught up with him. He stopped in the library. "The original of this one?" he asked the librarian. He glanced at the cover and got him two. "Both copies?"
"One's translated into a strange demon language none of us can translate back." He shrugged. "We have a few in that language."
"I'll hand it to Doctor Jackson." He walked Xander off.
"Um, Rodney, I can't read too many languages," Xander said patiently.
"One's in Norse."
"Oh! Sure, I can read that and even speak some. Anya used it as a sex game." Rodney shuddered. "It got me blown," he said with a grin. "I learned a whole lot. Mostly at the lesser levels if that's scientific."
"Just a start would be helpful." He walked him back to Daniel's apartment, tapping then walking in. "Thomas found these." He put them in Daniel's hands then pushed Xander down. "He can read Norse. Abby said one has a prophecy about the last warrior of Valhalla falling and the doors closing permanently."
Jack stiffened. "Gimmee." Daniel handed those two over, looking at the last one. "What's that?"
Xander looked. "Artruskan. It's an ancient demon language from before the civil wars and human/demon wars that gave us this planet. Giles had a few books in it that no one was sure about."
"How ancient?" Jack asked.
"The demon/human war was supposed to be about four million years ago. Somewhere in there. We were barely grunting in caves from what Giles and the demons who've written anything said."
"Interesting," Daniel said. He looked it over. "It's not Ancient but that one language we found on that one site, Jack." Jack looked over then nodded, going back to his untranslated version. "Is that in Ancient?"
"No. It's in Norse. I can get a few words."
Xander leaned over his arm. "For those who read this, I am....looks like Mayflower, maybe Mayfair... There's a seer with that name back in the four hundreds if I remember right. She had some of the First Evil prophecies." He went back to it. "When the last daughter of Valhalla bears the last son, the doors shall shut but those who ....I want to say fly on the unwinged horses but I'm not sure, shall leave us to gather their strength for the long sleep we must have until Ragnarok comes. Loki shall ... no clue no clue no clue depart from the Elders and make his own way to the Giants. The Oroborus shall rest for centuries untold while it gathers itself for the long sleep of laying...babies I think."
"So eggs?" Daniel asked.
"A few reptiles in mythology do give live birth," Xander said with a grin.
"Good point. Go ahead."
"It looks like the unwinged horses or chariots, not real sure," Jack put in, "will take the Elders to their gathering spot so that they may rest and train. Then the...."
Xander looked at the word he was stuck on. "Fruit of the tree shall bear one last warrior who shall be not of them but who can be borne by them. Borne like carried not like birthing."
Jack cleared his throat. "That warrior shall know more than he is allowed and will.... I think that's praise?"
"Pray to Loki that ...." He looked at him. "Pray to Loki that what he knows is not lost."
"Memory downloads?" Rodney suggested.
"Possibly but I don't remember it."
"You don't have to. You need to get someone into your subconscious to pull it out if that's true," Xander told him. "It'd remember for you. Like it remembers everything you've ever seen even if you don't think you do."
"Good point. I'll think about that. Anything else, kid?"
Xander pointed at something. "That's something about a temple of the Elders that came before. Um... The Father of Odin who begat Thor and Haldir?"
Daniel shrugged. "I don't remember anything in mythology that would explain that part."
"I remember the Greek had back to the void in their ancestry outlined. We'd have to look up the Norse ones," Xander agreed. "Unless Thomas might know. Or maybe Sam." He went back to it. "Hmm, that ancient Elder holds a key but not the only key? Multi key maybe?" He looked up. "Anya, can I borrow you for a second?" he yelled. Rodney wiggled a finger in his ear.
Anya appeared, giving him a look. "I'm busy, Xander."
He smiled, blowing her a kiss. "It's in Norse and you're the only one I know who can read it. You only taught me little kid words."
She looked at it with a sigh. "That seer was put to death for heresy and foreseeing an end of days that didn't agree with Ragnarok."
"It's a prophecy about the last warrior born," Xander said with a point at Jack.
She grimaced. "How?"
"Don't ask," he told her. "I can't tell you."
"Oh." She sat down to look it over, writing it down for him. She smiled and took a deep, moan inducing kiss before handing it over. "There you go. A few of her word choices were odd so I put the most common meaning in them that looked right." She stared at her pookie. "Are you busy later?"
"Tinkering. Need an after-case hug?" he asked with a grin.
"Or a reward."
"I can see a reward." She winked and disappeared. "My ex," he said proudly. "I still love the woman."
"If things were easier between you two, I know you'd still be together," Daniel said with a smile. "At least it's not as complicated as Buffy and Angel."
"Good for me, yeah." He stood up. "Let me get back to my exciting life of paperwork so you guys can talk about classified stuff without me." He went back to his desk with a stop for a snack on the way.
Jack took it from Daniel to read over. "That still makes no sense."
"Prophecies never seem to," Daniel admitted, taking it back to reread. "Can we talk to Thor?"
"I can do that." He got up. "Let me head back to the other base. I don't want to know what he'd say about demons." He left them alone, taking the books with him.
"I had no idea Watchers were hoarding and taking information from everyone back that far," Rodney said dryly. "What else is in that library of theirs?"
"Before the original one in England blew up I have no idea. These were what outside watchers gathered in their private libraries. I only did a quarter of the translating," Daniel told him. "They had their own Latin sub-language so no one found out they were talking about demons." He shrugged. "Though there's some interesting things in there. I never saw Wesley blush before he ran into that anatomically correct book on fertility myths through the ages."
"Any words?" John asked with a smile.
"Yeah, a full book. Over five hundred pages, only a hundred of them covered in pictures. Very detailed, descriptive pictures. On some you can see veins and muscles straining even." John shook his head. "By the way, Thomas wanted to know if Abby was done with that yet, Rodney." Rodney gave him a horrified look and nodded quickly, going back to the lab. He looked at Sheppard. "How are your people really?"
"Antsy. Nothing's happened in weeks. We didn't usually get this sort of breather." He shifted. "What happens if we can't go back?"
"SGC could use more people. They've come up with two new long term projects. Plus replacements on the regular SG teams."
"So we won't be tossed back to handle mundane military matters?"
"No. Though, Sam and Dean are going to be making sure all your people know enough about demons in case we have another invasion."
"I can handle that. There's some really fascinating things coming out of their classes, but it gives everyone a headache."
"You should try being in the same room with some of them, Sheppard," he said with a smirk of his own. "Last month we had telepathic-only demons who gave everyone a headache when they were yelling it wasn't fair that they had been caught. Xander walked in with a tranq rifle and promised he'd end all the headaches the easy way since they were allergic to them. They quit complaining so loudly."
"He's still insane."
"Until the day we lose him," Daniel agreed, looking toward the main building then him. "Let me call Dean to talk to Buffy and Faith about sparring with Ronon. I'd like to see that too. You said he and Teyla were very strong warriors." John nodded. He called Dean. "It's Daniel. One of Sheppard's people is a warrior who wanted to spar with Buffy and Faith. Can you set that up? Yeah, the one with the dreadlocks who keeps watching the girls practice. I'm sure Mary did make him walk off groaning earlier," he said with a smile.
"Tiff has a few times too," John assured him.
"Yeah, he's here. I know Dawn's up for orientation already. However you can arrange it. Thanks, Dean." He hung up. "He'll arrange it for tomorrow. Did you want the weapons room, the gym, or outside? We'll have to have Anna talk to the unicorns and George about not breaking up the fight."
"Anywhere they want. I don't mind. I'm not sure if Ronon can use a sword or not though."
"So not the weapons room. Outside?"
"As long as it's nice." Daniel nodded and stood up. "Thanks for not making us bunk in tiny tents out back by the back gate, Jackson."
"Not a problem. You're my people too." He smirked. "Some days I feel like some strange sort of king." They walked out together, John laughing at that image. "It's better than Cam with his thing about being the New King of England at least." John burst out in louder laughs. "Yeah, I did that my first few months at DCIS a lot too." Daniel went back to his office, finding Fargo had a stack of reports ready for him to read, sign, and pass on. He looked at the top one. "Tony, did you have a Xander case?"
"Yes, and they wanted to know why I didn't bring him since it was weapons. They nearly pouted."
"Everyone wants me," Xander quipped back loud enough for Daniel to hear.
Daniel shook his head. "Yes, but it's not usually in a healthy way, Xander." A few of the agents cracked up. It was good to be the King of DCIS some days.
Buffy came out of the portal fixing her ponytail. "Man, you guys are back?" she asked John.
"Our base had a small virus issue."
"Oh, that's where Dawn went. Sure." She waved at the portal and it closed. "I hope they'll be good for Gibbs. They've been hellraising little brats today."
"It's time for them to have a day off. I'm sure Gibbs knows that," John told her. He walked her to where they had set up the fight area. "Ronon, this is Buffy. She's the senior slayer, called before Faith," he said with a point at her. "They fight differently but they're both supposed to be very good."
Buffy looked him over. "Can he take a full out slayer fight?" she asked quietly.
"Yes, he can," John assured her. "Go full out with him. Show off for the girls so they nag Dean into taking them to the local dojo, all that, Buffy."
"And hey, any bruises mean I get pampered later," Faith quipped. She tied back her hair too and took off her overshirt, leaving her in t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Buffy was already in sweatpants, loose t-shirt, and sneakers.
"I need one of those," Buffy complained. She looked at Faith as she stretched. "Do you think you can come talk to my girls, give them the less extended version of what you gave the others?" she asked quietly. Faith looked at her. "They've been hellraising brats for the last week. I think it'd do them good anyway."
"Sure, I want to keep them all straight and five-by-five, B. Any going down my garden path?"
"Not that I'm aware of but a few I'm worried about." She moved closer. "I heard from the girls last night. It was a good reason. I would've beaten them myself," she offered with a smile.
"Dean knocked me out," she said with a smirk back. "X had to pick them up and beat them for me."
"Yeah, but you made sure none of the others were going to knowingly go that way. And if they slip they know how to come to us. If we had been there for you, it would've turned out better," she admitted, staring in her sister slayer's eyes. "I'm proud of how you managed it and came back if I never said it."
"Thanks, B. Now, should we kick his ass?"
Buffy smirked. "Yeah, I think we should. And hey, if he's any good, maybe he likes to give backrubs too when we beat him?"
"Could be. Never asked him. Pounce him if you want. He's on downtime."
"Hmm. Yeah, tall, muscles, dangerous, hopefully skilled. I could definitely use that." She noticed the guy was blushing. "Aww, that's adorable." She attacked, kicking him back. Faith joined in to fight him back. Ronon blocked the first few blows, shaking his head. "What? Weren't ready for us? Don't let the cuteness fool you. We're not that sort of girl."
"From what I've been told you're both fierce warriors," he agreed with a wicked smirk of his own. They attacked again and it was really on this time. He was panting, sweaty, and nearly dead by the time they managed to get him down. Faith had landed on her butt and back a few times, having to take longer to get up each time. Buffy had dodged some of his best efforts and had given as good as he had given her. They had both picked up more than their fair share of dust from the yard thanks to their sweat. He looked up. "Yield."
Buffy smirked. "I thought you'd say that." She smiled and helped Faith back up. "You okay?" she asked, checking her over.
"I'm not bad. A bit sore. It's been a while since I had to fully go all out against anyone."
"Yeah, me too. Vienna sees more action than Cleveland. I think we should go steal LA and send Crissy, Morgan, Connor, and the twins of destruction back here."
"Could be," she agreed. "Give them a break." They hauled Ronon up. "You held up really good."
"Thank you. It was good fighting someone who has your skills. Both of you are very good." They smiled at him. "And very dangerous for men like me."
"Which is why you owe me a backrub for losing," Buffy quipped. "C'mon, you can even use our shower." He gave her a confused look. "I won."
"He didn't agree to those terms," Abby said firmly. "Don't be mean to him, Buffy."
"Post slaying cool down?" she asked with a sheepish grin for the big, tall man.
He got the point and nodded. "I could enjoy a shower and a cool down," he agreed. "Though, what are backrubs?"
"I'll show you, then you can do mine, big guy." She walked him off to the slayer bathroom.
Dean put down his camera. "Damn good job, Faith. I know I couldn't beat him." He gave her a kiss and a look over. "Go shower and I'll rub out any muscles and treat bruises?" he asked with a slight grin.
"Yeah, I could like expecting that after the good sessions," she agreed, sashaying off. She walked into the slayer dorm. Then she leaned out. "Um, Papa Scruffy, I think someone needs to have a word with someone in the living room. Dean, come help me with some hair knots?"
"I can do that." He walked that way, handing Rodney the video camera. "Make sure the girls sit down and watch that if I'm not out for dinner."
"Of course," he said dryly.
Tiff gave him a hug and took it to their common area. "Eww! John!" she called. He walked in there and found Shea passed out on the couch naked. "Eww! We have to sit on that."
"At least it's not crabs," Dean called.
"Thank the Goddess," she complained. John carried her up to her room and locked her in there. Tiff thoughtfully flipped cushions and then checked the tape to make sure the fight had been followed and was in focus. It was very good. She couldn't beat Buffy or Faith. She couldn't beat Ronon either. "I wonder what Teyla would do against them," she muttered.
John came back down. "I think she's sick."
"Yeah," she said, holding up the porno CD. "It's called her boyfriend's groundeditis."
He scowled, walking off with the CD to hand to Abby.
She looked at it. "I wondered where that one went. Xander said he was missing it when I tried to borrow it." Rodney was bright red. "While you were at home, Rod. Not when you're here. I have more than I'll ever need when you're here." She walked off.
He gave the guys he knew a smug look. "Let me make her quit fussing." He walked her off to confiscate that vile movie. His girlfriend had no need of artificial stimulants or quasi-sexual replacements with him here.
"I never use them when you're here," she reminded him with a kiss.
"Aww," Fargo said, getting out of their way.
"Fargo, make sure Xander gets that back," Abby said, handing him the movie. He squeaked and blushed at it. "Shea borrowed it."
"Sure, um, I can do that." He hurried off to hand it to Xander. "Shea had it."
He looked. "I wondered which one of them had stolen it this time." He put it into his desk drawer. "Thanks, Fargo."
"You watch those things?" he hissed.
Xander looked at him. "I'm single, Fargo. I only get action in the clubs anymore. There's no evil women around here for me to date unless I turn Calleigh or Stella. Yes, I do use them and occasionally some of the three trunks of toys that my ex-girlfriend left in my closet. Though, never any of the strange, huge, or demonic models." Fargo was now about fire engine red. "Go calm down. Some of us are used to it after saving the world."
"And before saving the world," Tony said as he walked in.
"Yup, apocalypse sex is some of the best sex there is. Even better than makeup sex," Xander quipped with a grin. Fargo scurried off. "Sorry, Fargo. I won't share," he called after him. "I remember being that geeky then finding stress relief." He shook his head, going back to his paperwork. "How was the match? I couldn't get off the phone with the crying mayor who had a ghost kill her family pets."
"Good. Very good. Faith and Buffy are amazing. Buffy dragged Ronon off to teach him what backrubs were since he barely lost." Xander smirked at that. "Dean taped it."
"I'll watch it with the girls after dinner." Tony grinned at him. "Why did Shea have my tape?"
"I don't know but Tiff started yelling 'eww' from the common area about her."
"Shea needs to have some common sense then."
John walked in. "She smells like she was drinking too and she was either running a fever or sick."
Xander looked at him. "In the common area?"
"Naked sprawled on the couch in the common area."
"Uh-huh. Okay well, we'll talk to her later. She's nearly ready to hit New York. There's more guys up there for her to date. We'll make contingency plans for when she messes up on her birth control."
John smirked. "Would you mind if her parents showed up?"
"You know I never mind when parents show up, John." He smirked back. "The girls could use all the support they can find."
"Thank you." He went to call her. "Liv, John Winchester. No, small problem with Shea. No, not injured. Her broken leg from Miami healed very well. No, I just found her smelling like whiskey in the girls' common area naked, passed out, with porn in the dvd player." He smirked. "I think it might, yes. Thank you." He hung up. They were relatively nearby anyway. It'd be good for the girl to talk to her mother. He went outside, finding Brenda under his hood. "What are you doing?" he asked calmly. He wouldn't yell, she'd cry on him and he's spend the rest of the day cheering her up by playing board games or something.
She looked at him. "Changing your oil filter. You've been burning oil." She smiled. "It needs to be done."
"Is this nesting?" he asked, coming closer. His engine was spotless. "This has to be nesting."
"I can't get my room any more clean," she said with a pitiful look.
"You learned that off Dawn. Stop it." She gave his arm a hug. "Fine. No more without asking, young lady."
"Yes, John." She smiled. "Can we go for pizza tonight? Dean's going to be busy. Sam's still in Cleveland. We can come back to watch the tape later?"
"Maybe. Let's finish this first." They finished off the filter change, even though John had to look up at the very loud, unopened windows a few times. "It must be Sunnydale that makes them that loud," he decided finally.
Brenda giggled, punching him on the arm. "It's just good, John. Wasn't it making you happy at that age?"
He nodded. "Very but I was never loud enough to be heard outside." He closed his hood, letting her get into the passenger's side of the truck. He got in to drive and they headed off for pizza. He could ignore her eating anchovies and mushrooms on her half of it. She was starting to eat like Dean, it was almost enough to turn his stomach.
Abby slid down next to Xander's seat at the picnic tables a few days later. "We've just had a talk with the people at GD about the power research stuff." He gave her an odd look. "They had a few other projects that would be done around here and one wanted your help."
"I'm okay at research but Sam's better."
"Not that sort. He wants to ask you questions, not have you look things up for him."
"What's he asking about? Hunting?"
"Demonic sex lives."
"How would I know? I dated a former demon."
"She probably told you stuff."
"Yeah and it was a lot of stuff I tried to block out because she wanted sex afterwards." He nibbled on a chip. "Why me?"
"Because you're closer and tamer than going to someone like Spike. You're a first step so he can weed down his area of interest."
"Okay, I guess. As long as Danny doesn't care."
"He didn't say anything other than you had to agree."
"Then I guess I can. How long should it take?"
"A few hours." She gave him a hug. "Thank you, Xander."
"Not a problem, maybe it'll make more people less wary of demons."
"Maybe." She got up and went to talk to Tiff about another project that wanted some slayer expertise. She and Sam Carter were excellent in lab stuff so maybe they could help.
Xander shook his head. "That's just strange." He looked up as he was joined by someone else. "You just missed Abby, guys." John and Rodney both stared at him. "What?" he asked, putting down his latest chip.
"We're supposed to be weeding out the geek toy closet," John said quietly, glancing around then at him. "Then we find this paranoid little arsenal area in one of the back lab's storage area while McKay was looking for a box of gloves."
"They're in the main storage area. I helped her stock last time."
"We were out and she said she put the overflow back there," McKay said dryly, staring at him.
Xander shrugged. "We might need them. I have to test most of them anyway."
"Some of those are quite...powerful. We're worried why you're building things like that, Xander," John told him. "We're coming to you because we don't want to make anyone else worry that the stress snapped you."
"It hasn't," he said with a small pout. He sighed and pushed his plate back. "I'm still getting uneasy feelings about the next base assault," he said quietly, staring at John. "I don't want to be underpowered or need something."
"So you've been making stuff that could double in the apocalypse vault?" John decided. Xander nodded. "Okay. I can understand that. I might do the same thing if I could foresee our next problem. We've had plenty I wanted artillery for. How do you find so much artillery?"
"Anymore? It comes from cases."
"Contacts out of LA."
"Anything your liaison officer should see?" Rodney asked patiently.
"Probably but they're mostly demon contacts." He shrugged. "If he wanted, he'd ask me."
"Good point I suppose," Rodney said, glancing around. "What does Abby want for her birthday?"
"I got her new music and a new discman with the armband for jogging or running around the lab with. I think she wanted something...girlfriendy and special from you, Rodney."
"Huh?" he asked.
Xander smiled. "Very erudite," he teased.
"Yes, well, now and then our good colonel here drags me into things that aren't good for my mental capabilities," he shot back. "What does she want?"
"Something special from her *boyfriend*. Do something wildly romantic, slightly kinky, and something that she'll either have to call off from the next day or she'll sigh and grin a silly grin about whenever she remembers."
Rodney blushed. John patted him on the back. "I'll help you figure that part out. I got her some new CD's too." He looked at Xander. "You need to test those."
"I can't test those. I've got two cases on my desk, both weapons dealers." They groaned. "If you wanted to test them, I'd trust you or Dean."
"I can see doing that," John said with a smile. It was a big move of trust on Xander's part. Usually no one touched his stuff other than Dean or Sam, maybe. "Let me do that this afternoon. Your notes on them? Anything about range, types of bullets, how to reload?"
"In my creation file in the back lab's computer." He wrote on his napkin, handing him the login information. "There you go." He grinned. "Let me know? I'll probably be off again by dinner."
"I can do that. Be safe." He stood up and walked off.
"Abby likes things like that?"
"All girls like it when their guys let them have a fantasy night, the same as most guys do," Xander said with a grin. "Treat her like the princess she is, McKay. She deserves a night of being totally spoiled by you, right?"
"She does and more than that," he agreed. "Thank you."
"If you want to add a present on top of that, go for something tasteful that she can wear, stroke, or touch whenever you're not here. She does your picture when she's struggling over the newest test in the lab."
He beamed. "I can definitely figure that out. Thank you, Xander."
"Welcome." Xander went back to his eating. He needed to eat. He was going to be chasing someone down by tonight. He saw Calleigh's car pull in and waved her over, grinning at her. "Team case," he said once she was close enough.
"Two even. Even with *weapons*," he said with a teasing smile. "Both dealer clans so low threat at least."
"I'll still pack my vest." She patted him on the back. "Eat more than that, Xander. You know they like to run from you." She went to get her own lunch and steal the files off his desk. She was almost to the point where she wondered how Xander could like weapons so much but she'd get a day off soon she was sure. She remembered when she was only a gun nut and liked to pet them too.
Xander came back and found the researcher waiting on him. "Hey," he said, waving one handed while using the other to steer the prisoner. "Hold on, let me get him logged in and downstairs."
"That's fine, Agent Harris. Thank you for talking to me." He looked at the demon then at him. "Was he going to start an apocalypse?"
"No, just some minor arms dealing with some street gangs." He walked him past the nerdly, bouncy guy, taking him up to his desk. Danny came out to look at him. "He was selling to street gangs. Don Epps said hi."
"Thank you. That bad?"
"Few bigger things. The other one I'm letting Calleigh and Speed do since he went with us. We think they're selling to an off-plane war but we can't be sure." Daniel nodded. Xander typed up the charge sheet, looking at him. "Do we have a social security number?"
"Those are foul and signs that your version of Satan will come," he sneered.
"I can go get some caffeine so I'm more bouncy if you want to be snotty," Xander offered dryly, staring him down. The demon shrank down in his seat. "Thank you!"
"No threatening, Xander," Danny said, patting him on the back. "We'd have to tranq dart you again." He looked at him. "Speaking of darts...." Xander groaned. "Sheppard's off base right now. He left you a note in your top drawer." He went back to his office. He wouldn't wonder why Sheppard and McKay were locked in a lab together. If they were having...relations, and Abby didn't know, he'd kill them both for her, but otherwise if they were she probably knew and if not, they were probably conspiring over her birthday. Which reminded him he needed to buy her a present. He went to find them. "McKay?" He looked up from his current computer model of whatever. "What are you getting her for her birthday? I don't want to duplicate."
"The goofy haired ones are both getting her music," he offered with a smug look. "I was advised to let her be a spoiled princess."
"That's good. I'll tell House to set up a white noise generator then. Music?" He nodded. "Maybe I'll do that."
"Xander's getting her a cd player with an armband."
"Then I can find something. Thank you. By the way, Xander's back." He went back to his office to look up Abby's playlist on the music site she surfed. She had a long list of music she liked. And a little link to a 'wish list' option. He clicked on it. It even showed what had been bought for her. He loved that site. There were only two left so he got her some rechargeable batteries and a gift card too. That was a nice gift and she could do whatever she wanted with the card. Yup, they'd even gift wrap it for him if he wanted. He loved that site.
"Thank you for seeing me today, Mr. Harris," the researcher said when he walked into their conference room. He started the tape recorder on the table. "There we go."
"What part of demon sexuality are you studying and why?" he asked.
"I've studied many cultural versions of what is acceptable sexuality and what isn't. I've published a few papers on it over the last decade as well."
"Hmm. You know that there's different standards by each breed and type of demon?"
"No, I hadn't."
Xander nodded. "There is. It depends on which type you're talking about." He sat down, putting his feet up in a free chair. "I still don't know why you wanted to talk to me. I only dated one former demon."
"Former? They can turn into humans?"
"In her case she changed over. It's a job, not a genetic thing. She was, and is again, a vengeance demon."
"Oh, I see. How would one get that job?"
"D'Hoffryn, the head demon over them, offered her a job."
"Are there others that are jobs instead of just being born that way?"
"All wish demons as far as I know. A few of the higher ones had to move their way up. As far as I know, most wish demons are human but their Higher can offer it to whoever wants it and fits the job description. Basically, Anya was cursing her boyfriend and got offered a spot as Women Scorned." The man was making notes. "I met a few of her friends while we were together."
"Very interesting. So some are jobs, and they took them for whatever reason, and some are born that way."
"Yup. Most of the jobs come with a lot of power, very little oversight, a long life, and if you like that sort of thing, a lot of pain for others. Anya got to curse husbands, boyfriends, and guys that just dumped women when they called on her." He shifted to get more comfortable. "She said she had a lot of fun with it."
"Do you know if they have any taboos?"
"No. They have not a one unless it's a personal one. Anya was very sharing with what she liked, what she had watched, what she had wanted people to do or had made them do, and how she tortured men for fun." The researcher's mouth fell open. Xander shrugged. "She also has a toy habit that rivals some brothels. That's why I have two and a half trunks of her discarded sex toys in my closet. The girls and Abby took a few," he said with a smile. "Have you asked Thomas, our librarian, if anyone's studied this before? I'm sure one of the ancient stuffy watchers might've."
"No, I hadn't."
Xander called up there. "Hey, Thomas, Xander. There's a researcher here wanting to research demon sexual habits, taboos, that stuff. Do we have anything? Conference room. Thanks, man." He hung up. "There's six books," he said, putting the phone back into his pocket. "He did say some were species specific."
"That's wonderful." He smiled and made another note. "So, you'd say ones like wish demons and those sort, it's based on personal bias?" Xander nodded. "How long was your former girlfriend a demon?"
"She was a Viking wench when she got offered."
"That's interesting. Are there many that old?"
"A few. I know one's over two thousand but in the last few years we've had some that've quit, rescinded wishes so they died, and other problems."
"Yes. If they rescind a wish they can and usually will die. Anya lost her best friend because D'Hoffryn killed her when Anya rescinded one of her own wishes."
Xander shrugged. "I didn't think it was fair but he apparently did. I didn't know Hallie all that well. She did but she grieved for a short time and moved on."
"I suppose that would be normal. What about those who're born demons?"
"That depends on the species." Thomas walked in. "Thank you, Thomas."
"Not a problem. I've seen some of the weirdest theories about demons over the last few months."
"From that cult in Texas or somewhere else?"
"The one in Texas has been predominant but a few researchers are basing their research off them. Clearly deluded but popular. I've almost wanted to write one myself."
"Go for it. Half of them have probably never met a demon, much less talked to one. As far as I know Wesley would congratulate you and would probably encourage any research being put out there." Thomas smiled, patting him on the back as he walked off. Xander looked at them. "You'll have to translate this one. It's in Watcher Latin, which is a bit different than regular Latin in some areas. That's on one of the tentacle types."
"Yeah, some have normal equipment, some have alternate equipment, some have tentacles."
"Is that not considered alternate equipment?"
"No, they're standard on about a quarter of the breeds. Some of them have these little pouches. Some lay eggs. Some lay unfertilized eggs." He picked up one of the books to flip through, finding that section. "There, that's the alternate ones."
He read it over then nodded slowly. "Very interesting. Have we had any cases where demonic sex was present or noted?"
"Well, Danny and Don had a case at a brothel where the demons were complaining their boss was killing them if they got limp tentacles. Ryan had a rape case by tentacle. Speed and I got to break up a custody argument between two parents over an egg but that wasn't the case, we were there at the moment when it broke out. Mac went to help on a negotiation between clans that had hatcheries. They were arguing where to put them." The man was taking notes. "We see a lot of crimes like the former officers among us had. Robberies, some homicides, some weapons dealers, a few kidnapings. Since we're federal, we only see local level crimes when there's no local office or we're nearby."
"Very interesting." He smiled. "Are there any generalized taboos across the spectrum?"
"Incest is pretty well disliked across the broad demon communities. There's some hive species so they're all related to the same genetic line and it doesn't seem to matter to them. There's some of the egg laying ones where you're just a number and it doesn't seem to keep track of who was who's parents. There's three or four, I think, that reproduce asexually so they don't care either."
"Fascinating. So they're built more like the animal kingdom is, but more sentient and able to reason, think, and act without growling or acting like animals?"
"There's some demonic pet species. They have a breed of pig that's a common pet, some demon dog and cat species. A few of those are more sentient than our pets are but they're still pets. We have a few of those on guard duty as K-9 guards. A few of those are where the rumors of witches having telepathic talks with their familiars come from. Some also keep slaves and pets that way. We've dealt with them a good number of times for smuggling and slavery since it's not legal in the US even if it is on their home planes."
"So there are demons who're made just for concubine positions to put it mildly?"
"There's three species of sex demons. Two of them are meant to be owned, they've been bred that way over the centuries. A few break out now and then but they usually end up going to a better owner later on. One needs it and it's addicting so it collects more than is collected."
"So the aggressor?"
"It's more that their seed is physically and mentally addicting once it touches your body anywhere. There's been stories of ones who accidentally touched their residue on tables and gotten hooked. They are a naked species but they tend not to come out in public because they know the greater and higher demons would rip them up if they infected them by accident. A lot of times it's like heavy cultural enclaves like New York has. Each type has their own little group in an area. Even if you live in a more mixed community like the one around here, the different species mingle but don't really mix all that often."
"Depends on the species but happens rarely. We have a demon we worked with who was a mixed demon breed. Really nice, sweet guy. Great guy. Loved him tons. He taught me how to play kitten poker."
"It's the demon game of choice."
"Oh." He finished that note then looked up. "So it's not common?"
"Not that I've seen. Most of the time they marry within the species. Some of that may be that some can't crossbreed. I don't know. You'd have to ask them and some would try to eat you if you did."
"I can understand that. Are there many that are heavily taboo about sexual matters? They segregate their genders? They do what we do here in the Middle East with the all-covering garments for one gender? Anything like that?"
"There's one species where you do not speak to any member but the leader. There's a few where if you talk to a female member you're her love interest and they will marry you off at that time. I nearly got a wife that way." He grinned. "There's a few. Before you ask, there's some that're more open than some swingers I used to see at the clubs."
"So it really is species by species?"
"Yes, and I can't even claim to know all the species. We've only got a representative sample of about half of them down here. Some can't live on earth, some won't live on earth, and some of the hellborn ones we banish if they should show up on earth to find playmates. Speaking of, the Playboy mansion had one that had to be banished from what I heard. Some jealous girl that didn't make the cover."
"Oh, my." He made a note of that too. "Do you think they'd talk about it?"
"Probably not." He made that note as well. He grinned. "Why don't you start on those books then come back with more species specific questions? Or maybe we have a representative down in the jails who might let you interview him or her."
"I can definitely do that. Thank you for your time, Agent Harris. I'll try to come back in a few days with any other questions I might have for you. Oh, before I forget, is there any connection between demons and the pornography industry?"
"They have their own studios, sites, and shops. My ex Anya used to upload her home videos at one and bought a lot of demon fake dicks at the same site. I've got it bookmarked at home so I'll give it to you the next time I see you?" The man smiled and nodded, shaking his hand. "I hope the paper goes well. It'll be good to see real research and truthful research that's unbiased out there." He left to go back to work.
That guy sat there, staring at the books. He turned off the tape and delved into them. Someone had laid the foundation of what he wanted to do a long time ago. He wondered if anything had changed. He went up to make sure he could take those back to the local motel with him. Thomas allowed it and he went back there to read and study up on what he wanted to ask next. It really was fascinating how perverted some species were. Humans included.
To Part 46
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