"Moron signal tower fucker," Ryan muttered.
Wade, who was watching Xander fight with someone who had just tried to kidnap him, gave him an odd look. "What?"
Ryan shrugged. "At one point in time, there was an upcoming apocalypse in another realm. The demons there knew but the people didn't. Even the hunters. Someone there made a wish to have multiple demon fighting Xanders." Wade nodded slowly but shuddered. "Ours went and we heard that phrase from someone else there. Apparently they had a theory about a mythical signal tower that put out the 'stupid' vibes all over town. It was located where most of them happening."
"Yeah, that's called DC."
"There's one in each town. In ours it's that way," he said with a point. "This guy clearly lives under it or goes to fondle and find a convenient hole on the tower. Or he likes to lube it and slide down it."
"Ah!" He nodded. "Yeah, that may be. I need to use that quote somewhere." He looked over and cleared his throat, moving his suit jacket out of the way. "Are we having problems, Xander?"
"No, Wade. He's just an idiot who thinks I won't have him arrested for trying to kidnap me."
"I bet you will." Ryan held up his badge with an evil smirk.
"Oh, crap." The guy turned and ran.
"Keep going," Ryan called. "All the way out of the state, back to your land of morons!" He looked at Xander. "You okay?"
"I'm fine. He didn't even try to grab my hair for once." He walked over, smiling at them. "What's wrong, Ryan?"
"I saw you berating a stupid person so I stopped to make sure you didn't need more help."
"No, he was weak in the areas that usually come with the kidnapers." He flinched when Wade pulled his gun and shot someone. He looked back there. "Huh. Thanks, Wade."
"Welcome." He put it back, looking at Ryan. Who had sighed and called Horatio. "Sorry to make you work."
"It's fine. He had a shotgun. It was an imminent threat." He walked over to check on him. "No, H, he's dead. Yeah, Wade did to defend Xander." He hung up and looked at them. "Park it so we can do statements." They sighed but went to lean against the corvette.
"This feels familiar," Xander said, waving at someone driving past where they were.
Wade looked at him. "Next time, we'll let the ambulance take the victim so you don't have to deal with that yourself."
Xander shrugged. "I'm fine with it."
"I know but you should be more gentle and nice. That way more of them are surprised when you break bad." He glanced around. "Clay's here."
"Hi, Clay," Xander called, spotting him. He sighed again. "I need a book."
"You need more hobbies because I ache like fuck thanks to Anya."
Xander grinned at him. "Don begged for merciful death."
"I'm not surprised since you're more agile than Anya is." Clay walked over. "He came at Xander with a shotgun."
Clay shrugged. "So?" He looked at Xander. "Why is the house alarm going off at Jensen's?"
"I don't know." He pulled out his phone to look at it. "I'm not getting an alert."
Wade looked at his. "Me either." He called. "Whoever is in the house, I'd run," he said once the answering machine picked up. "Because I will be there in less than two minutes and I am armed and very dangerous."
Xander called the community guards. "Clay said that my alarm is going off but I'm not seeing it. Please. Thank you." He hung up. "They'll go check."
"Do we think it's a problem?" Ryan called.
"Damn I hope not. I'm tired of problems," Xander said.
Wade's phone rang and he answered it. "Yeah?" He listened. "Ray, what's going on there? That's what we heard." He nodded slowly, looking at Xander. "You have a new suitor who can send things mystically."
"I have enough boyfriends."
Wade listened. "No, if it shows up, give it back. Thank you, kid." He hung up. "Ryan, route Horatio to Xander's place to look over the present that got sent to him."
Ryan called that in. "He wants to know if it's a body."
"Not quite. Tell him Ray Junior is going 'eww' all the way to puke."
Xander looked at him. "Did they send me something that disgusting?"
"Yup," Wade sighed. "We're talking not even Max was that sick." He looked at Clay. "You might want to warn Gibbs that someone on his present caseload is missing parts they probably needed."
Clay called him. "Gibbs, Clay. Someone gave Xander a present you need to hear about. Yes, it's important. Because we're told someone on your caseload is missing parts they wanted to keep. Horatio's going now. Thank you too." He hung up. "He's growling in Marine."
"Was he Special Ops?" Wade asked.
"Sniper," Xander said smugly. "I think he did some of Cougar's training or Mac did."
"Mac said that Gibbs did some of his training," Ryan called.
"Mac did do some of the training for the sniper class Cougar attended," Clay admitted. "What sort of presents?"
"Ray Junior said there's a picture and ID tag on them." Clay grimaced. "Xander, you might need a new carpet."
"Yay," he said quietly. "I'll kill them if they hurt the rest of the house or the pets."
"I doubt he would. They have to know that you're very fond of them and they'd want to keep anything you're very fond of alive," Clay reminded him.
Xander nodded, scowling. "Lighten up," Wade said, giving him a shoulder nudge. "Before you get wrinkles."
"Then maybe I'd quit getting carded so often."
Eric pulled up in a hummer and got out, slamming the door. "H is going to yell that you did that," Ryan called.
"Nark, watch me have Xander spank you," Eric taunted. "What happened?"
"He ran off when we threatened him for trying to grab me. He came back with a shotgun while my back was turned so Wade got him for me." Xander shrugged. "I feel like I should start cooing 'my hero' or something," he told Wade.
He smirked slightly. "Anya would definitely mind."
"True. She might get her old job back. Then we'd both be screwed in the unfun way. Did she tell you about the guy in the Victorian times that she turned into a horse enema nozzle because his wife found him screwing some horse-faced girl?"
"She did," Wade agreed, shaking his head quickly. "I consider it very good warning to only sleep with someone if she agrees. Of course she knows I'd shoot her if I caught her in bed with anyone but a very pretty, large breasted, bisexual woman." He smirked at the kid. "Or three. Then they could wear out each other while I had fun."
"You know, she might if you asked."
Clay shook his head quickly. "She warped you both."
"Probably," Wade agreed. "But you think she might for my birthday?"
"I assume she would. She offered for one of mine."
Wade considered it. "I'll have to think about that. Are you taking more lessons."
"Sure are," he agreed smugly. "That way we have a good holiday present."
"Santa was a demon?"
"So she said." He shrugged. Eric gave him an odd look. "What?"
"I don't want to know," he said, walking off shaking his head. "I honestly don't want to know."
Clay nodded. "Think how I feel. Xander's warping Jensen further."
"I am not," Xander complained.
"You are, kid. A lot. He's bouncing in new ways and talking about other geek topics again."
Xander shrugged. "All geeks have to get back to our roots."
"Uh-huh." He walked off. "I'll meet Horatio at the house."
"Sure," Ryan agreed. He grinned at Xander. "There's a comic convention this weekend." Xander squealed and bounced.
"We'll know where you are. Remember to be the protective big geek," Wade said. "That would finish driving me insane."
Horatio walked into the kitchen. "Ray?"
"Mirror house because I'm nauseous. They're in the living room."
Horatio went to look. "Yes, they probably wanted those parts," he decided. There was an array of brains, hearts, and penises. He sighed and called Alexx. "Xander's latest demonic suitor left him a rather...graphic present. They did nicely mark them however. Gibbs is." He hung up and sighed. "I'm not sure I want to know where the rest of them are."
The demon appeared, tugging on his jacket hem. "They are evil."
Horatio looked at him. "Humans have a concept called innocent until proven guilty by a trial," he said calmly.
"All these I have seen."
Horatio nodded. "That is something to take into account. Where are the rest of them?"
"They are with those who would enjoy them." Horatio shuddered. "That nice one Tony would appreciate it when he finds them." He smiled. "Now that one and the pretty haired one will be safe." He disappeared.
"Thank you," Horatio said, calling Gibbs. "It's not pretty," he reported. "The being that gave them to us said that Tony would appreciate it when he finds the rest of them with people who would enjoy their remains. I'm not sure which way he meant, no. I didn't get his name, Gibbs." He looked at the mess again, looking greenish. "He said Tony and the pretty haired one would be safe now." He hung up with a sigh of displeasure. "Ray was right to get out of the way before he dirtied the carpet with his vomit." He looked around. There was now a stripper pole in a corner of the living room. The Christmas tree would be covering it probably.
Gibbs appeared in a flash of light. He looked around then up. "Thank you," he called, looking less than tolerant. He checked his coffee cup. It was still mostly full. So he looked at Horatio. Horatio pointed. He looked and sipped his coffee to make sure he didn't puke.
"The one who likes Tony and Greg together?" Horatio asked.
"DPP agents. Apparently something's going on somewhere that leads back to the program that got nosy over the group's traveling habits."
"I don't need to know," Horatio decided.
"That's my feeling too." He looked at the parts then at him. "Where's the boy?"
"In town. Wade had to shoot someone who wanted to harm him." They shared a look and shook his head. Roque walked in. "This is now a crime scene," Horatio noted.
"With Wade and a few people picking up the body that Wade created to save him. They're in the Plaza."
"Thanks." He spotted the body parts. "That's fucked up."
"They wanted to protect Tony and Xander."
Roque nodded, walking off shaking his head.
Horatio checked, the ferrets were in the far cage and trying to sleep. He added some treats. Hubert looked over so he tossed over some for him too. "Stay, Hubert." The dragon grumbled but stayed over there. "Thank you, good boy." Alexx walked in. "Did you get Mr. Wolfe's body?"
"I sure did. Wade is very efficient. Guy was dead before he hit the pavement. No blood to clean up on the sidewalk." She looked and went pale. "That's disgusting."
"They said now Tony and Xander would be safe."
"I'm sure they will be. Are those tags?" Horatio nodded. She let him take pictures and she bagged them up for him. "Aww, pictures too. That was nice of them." She shuddered. "The rest of them?"
"With people who would enjoy it somewhere Tony would find them."
"Thank you, God," she murmured. "I don't want to know how they meant that." She finished gathering things. "The boy will have to replace the rug." Horatio nodded. She left, taking them back to her morgue. They had made identifying them easy enough.
Roque found Xander. "I heard there's someone who is very unhappy that you've got him and that you're no longer playing poker."
"I played yesterday."
"He plays at the game at the French place."
"He's unhappy because he owes me shitloads of money and I doubt he can pay." He shrugged. "Fu and everyone else saw me yesterday. When did he complain?"
"He's probably whining about the money he owes me." He looked at Wade. "Unless he wanted you?"
"I hope not. He's a pathetic loser. No offense," he told Roque with a smirk. Roque growled and tried to hit him but Wade blocked it and hit back.
Xander walked off shaking his head. "I'm going to the game by the docks. You two act like teenage girls."
Wade snorted. "Not even close."
"You're as flat as one," Roque sneered.
Wade smirked. "I have no problem and I don't usually have to *coerce* people into bed. Or into the back of his SUV." Roque growled and tried to hit him again.
Eric looked over. "Watch me arrest you both and tell people in the cells that you're high priced pros." Roque stomped off. "Thank you." He glared at Wade. "I agree, you're acting like teenage girls fighting over Xander." He finished up and got into the hummer with the evidence.
Wade snorted but walked off. He had a reputation to uphold.
Xander sat down at the table. He stared at the idiot. "Did it escape your notice that I was playing yesterday?" The man went pale. "Personally, it sounds like you're bitching and whining because you owe me money. Which, you were supposed to pay last week." He stared at him. "Are you really so anxious to get me back so you can lose more?" The dealer snickered.
"You're off playing spook and commando games," the man sneered.
"No actually I've been taking belly dancing and pole dancing lessons for a kick-ass christmas present for my boys." The man lunged to beat him but Xander was better than most people thought. He got him away from the table and kicked his ass fully. He looked down at him once the guy was on the floor. "Do you feel better?" he asked, talking down to him. "Being beaten by a gay man. Who you still owe money to."
He smirked. "You have a week." He looked at the dealer then sat back down. He put down a hundred bucks, getting chips. "That was five, not four." He recounted and handed over another one. "Thanks. Deal me in?" He tossed in a chip and got dealt in. He frowned. He wasn't going to win this one. Xander looked at the dealer. "I'll be nice and won't get pushy about everyone else's debts."
"I'm not doing anything, Harris."
"That's cool." He lost all five chips within three hands and shrugged. "Fine."
"So, why do you have Wade?" one of the other players asked.
Xander shrugged. "He's a really good assistant. He handles hate mail, helps protect me, talks down to my present givers. Helps me with my inventories." He shrugged. "It's nice having someone who handles things for me instead of my boys making me handle things."
"You know he's psycho and he likes to kill people, right?"
Xander nodded. "Yeah, I heard when I took out Max." He grinned. "Sunnydale things actually brought Wade back and gave him to me."
"Wow," the dealer said. "Don't your boys do things?"
"No. Most of the guys that are like me their keepers pay bills, handle the bank statements, all that. Honestly, I understand nothing about anything financial. I have Steve for that. Wade helps Steve and makes sure I make it to anything important plus helps protect me if I want to travel, which I'd love to do."
The dealer nodded. "I heard another of you had guards and lived in a compound."
"Most of the guys like me, at my level, live in a compound with multiple lovers and guards that may have to sub in if they're surging. We don't have to handle the mundane things. That's why we have keepers. Unfortunately mine want me to do a lot more than I can. Before this hormone problem cropped up, I was working construction and patrolling."
"So that's why you're so backed up?" the dealer asked.
"I'd be less backed up if Danny and Don didn't work, like most of the other keepers for guys like me have, but the recent dancing has been helping."
"Belly dancing?" one asked.
"Yeah. I'm doing a lot better. I knew about three before but now I'm learning a lot more. I know you guys complained about the bells."
"They're annoying when you're fidgeting but you haven't in a while."
"That and pole dancing lessons mean I'm not as backed up. Wade's girlfriend and I take them together."
The guy smirked, handing him a twenty buck chip. "I owed you anyway."
"Thanks." He got dealt in and groaned. "Never mind." The dealer laughed, letting him change most of his hand out. "Slightly better. Thanks." The other guys didn't look happy. He did win, barely. That got him a few more. Xander looked at the guy on the ground. "If you die there, Horatio's going to be really pissed since Wade shot someone coming for me with a shotgun and someone else dropped off body parts of people who were threatening me." The man got up with a groan and sat down. Xander got dealt into the next hand. "Anything going on in the circle that I didn't hear yesterday?"
"Don Cheva is pissed at you," the one Xander had beaten sneered.
Xander looked at him. "That's funny, I talked to him after breakfast when he called to invite me to a game. He didn't sound pissed." The man stomped off. "But I'll check to make sure." They all smiled. Xander shrugged. "Even when I was in Vegas for two weeks, I spent most of one week losing." They all laughed at that. "Hubert pissed off the hotel because he used to sneak down to stare at the chefs in awe. That was right after I got him." He lost that hand but the other ones went okay. Xander cashed out and grabbed his money, driving out to the club where Don Cheva played. He got signed in and handed over his weapons. "Sorry. One last hand handling things going on." The Don's second grinned. "Crockston."
"He's bruised and he claims Don Cheva is pissed at me." He walked in. "Sorry."
"It's all right, Xander. Get caught up in something?"
"Annoying the crap out of Crockston. Who said you're mad at me?"
He looked at him. "I'm not mad at you."
"That's what I thought but I thought I'd check since he seemed so sure after I kicked his ass." The Don snickered at that. He sat down and chipped in with the cash he had just won. "I gave him a week to pay me. It's been a bad day for the family."
"Someone get hurt?" Don Cheva's second asked.
"No. Wade had to shoot someone coming at me with a shotgun. A demon defended me by giving me body parts. Apparently I need a new rug."
Don Cheva shook his head. "Your life is insane."
"Some days, yeah." He smiled. "The boys so loved it when they caught my lessons and asked me to show them some."
The Don smirked. "My wife liked that suggestion too. It's been a great boon to our relationship."
Xander nodded. "Danny and Don had to call off work. Don was begging for mercy."
Don Cheva smiled. "I'm sure since I've heard about your dancing."
Xander grinned. "I'm not bad." He got back to his hand, grimacing. "Eww." Don Cheva burst out laughing, shaking his head. "It's been one of those days."
"I've had them myself," Don Cheva admitted. "I heard something about a gambling ship?"
"They had illegal aliens there as sex slaves and regular slaves." He shrugged. "We got asked to look at them. Then someone on the gaming commission kept setting off my latex allergy. I got pissed off."
The Don nodded. "That's a good reason I think."
"I got a bit vindictive." He grinned sweetly. "Like I did to that one guy."
"I heard. That was mean, Xander."
Xander nodded. "But now and then my boys like me being mean. Right now they're hoping I can find a way to make the lessons into an even better present. The shopkeepers are hoping I go shop again sometime soon. Fu hopes I clean out some of the poker debt bags because I have too many."
"You haven't been putting it in the bank?" Don Cheva asked.
Xander shrugged. "I always leave some there to pay off that day's debts or in case of emergency."
"I can agree with that. Especially as often as people want to keep you."
Xander nodded. "Which means I have to react, which my boys hate. They'd rather I was a fluffy, nice guy most of the time." He slumped. "I don't know what they expect. I'm supposed to be mean sometimes, right?"
Don Cheva nodded. "You are. My wife does the same. They think we're spotless and sweet because of their love for us. We know that sometimes things happen." Xander nodded. "But now you have Wade."
"I do and he loves handling those sort for me. Did you ever meet his girlfriend?"
"I saw them shopping. She's adorable."
"Anya is, yeah." Don Cheva gave him an odd look. Xander grinned but nodded. "It was weird for a day but now we're palling around again."
"That's wonderful." He smiled. "I remember your former girlfriend Cordelia being around."
"Yeah, her visions killed her," he sighed. He grimaced. "She's off nagging a higher power about stupid decisions and my hair." Don Cheva's second laughed, walking off shaking his head.
Don Cheva smiled. "Relax, Xander."
"I thought I was. It's been a strange day. They sent me body parts."
"I understand fully. You're on edge and bouncy. It's nice that your hormones are down though."
"It is. I actually started a project in my woodworking shop." He grinned. "It's nice to get back to it sometimes."
"Congratulations." He put down his hand. Xander put down his. He frowned at him. "Why is it that you win more when your hormones are up?"
"I don't know. I have better rhythm too. Maybe I'm more in touch with myself and my instincts then. Usually when I'm down I'm in danger and bouncy."
He nodded. "Perhaps." He smiled. "Relax."
"I'm going to have a massage after this." He grinned.
"Good." He summoned his assistant to make sure of it. Xander was in a very odd mood. His assistant also told Wade so he could keep track of Xander.
Xander blinked as the room he was in had the door broken in. "Hi," he said dryly. "Who are you?" He turned his head to look at them. "Brad."
"You're coming with me."
Xander shifted on the table, putting his hands under his head. "Why?"
"Because I have a gun." Xander summoned it and unloaded it with one hand. "How dare you! You fucking faggot!" He tried to hit Xander. The masseuse got out of the way.
Xander use the sheet over his hips to cover Brad's head then he hit him. He kicked him into the other room. He looked at the masseuse. "I'll be right back." He walked out, watching him fight his way out of the sheet. "Are you done yet?" he asked dryly.
"Men like you don't belong in our circle!" He tried to attack again. He was trying to grab Xander. Xander was nicely oily and limber. He also knew how to kick his ass. The man was not happy when he hit the wall. He tried to grab him again but Xander ducked and spun, kicking him in the head. "How dare you fight back!"
Xander stared at him. "No one's going to stand there and let you beat them. You're fucking insane if you think they are." He braced then kicked the guy into the entry area. "He objects to playing poker with me. Thinks he might get gay boy cooties or something," he told the security guard.
"I haven't and there's a bunch of you in here weekly." Brad tried again but he tried to hold him. Xander waved his hand so the guard shrugged let him go. Xander hit him a few times, then kicked him in the nuts. "Ow, sir."
"Not like he'll want them in jail." He sighed. "I was so relaxed too. Damn idiot." He got handed his cellphone by the masseuse. "Speed, me," he said when it was answered. "No, one of the poker circuit just tried to gay bash me. At the Palace Spa. Yeah, they have him. Please? Thank you." He hung up and looked at the guard. "He'll get someone down to arrest him shortly." He walked off, going back to the massage room. "I'm sorry he's so rude and disruptive."
"He's probably jealous you're in a better relationship, Mr. Harris." She got another sheet and helped him back onto the table. "Let's work out that new stress. You were very relaxed before he got so rude." Someone else came to the door. "Officer, that man broke in here by kicking in the door and complained my appointment is gay."
The officer nodded. "Mr. Harris, are you all right?"
"Yes. He's part of the poker circuit. I don't know why he's so scared of gay boy cooties now. A few months back he offered me his son to repay his poker debt." He looked over at the officer. "Just please make him go away?"
"I can do that, sir. Are you going to press charges?"
"Yes. Unless Horatio tells me it'll be a problem." The officer nodded. "I'm sorry I was so harsh on him."
"It's reasonable to protect yourself, sir. Do you have one of your students or someone with you?"
Xander shook his head. "I'll be fine. I'm not backed up or anything."
"If you're sure, sir." He left with the idiot. It was smart of him to let the Lieutenant or his keepers handle his problems like that. The poor guy was probably confused. He walked him up to the lieutenant, who was waiting. "Sir, Mr. Harris said he wanted to press charges unless you told him it would be too difficult to deal with."
He handed him over. "If you want, I can start the booking slips. He was not sure what started it. He said a few months back the man had offered his son to pay off a gambling debt but the way he said it I doubt Mr. Harris took him up on it." The man sneered at him. "He was having a massage, stated he didn't need a guard or student called to help protect him, and he seemed very calm. Apologized for denting him too much."
"Xander is very nice that way. Fill out a report and I'll talk to him about this then make my decision." The officer nodded, going to do that. Horatio walked him into an interrogation room and shut the door. "What was the idea behind attacking him at the spa?"
"He took my son anyway!" he sneered. "After he turned me down!"
"I doubt that. Xander does not touch anyone outside his boyfriends and his protectors." He stared at him. "Could it be that your son is actually gay?"
"He's not pure anymore!"
"Many teenagers do experiment," Horatio reminded him.
"My son's only fifteen!"
"You just admitted to attempting to sell a minor for sex," Horatio said. "Xander would have killed you if he knew how old your son was. He does not like that practice. He tends to make them very painful lessons." The man gaped. "I think we should talk to your son." He motioned Frank in. "Get his son."
"He was blaming Xander for his son no longer being a virgin."
Frank shook his head. "The kid doesn't play that way."
"I know. You know. Apparently he doesn't realize it. Please?" Frank nodded, going to pick up the guy's son. He knew who he was. Horatio had made sure he was briefed on everyone in the poker circuit. That one was an idiot. He came back after finding the kid at home, just getting in after school. He walked him into the interrogation room. "Him, Horatio?"
"Thank you, Frank." He looked at the boy. "Your father went to assault someone today because he thinks that you had relations with him even after that one turned down your father's offer."
"Xander told me," he said. "He told me and Mom actually." His father gasped. "He thought it was a bad precedent and Mom needed to talk to him about Gambler's Anonymous. I agreed and stayed with some friends for the next ten days. And yeah, I made sure that even if he tried it again, they wouldn't want me as much." He glared at his father. "Xander could've been some skanky pervert, Father."
"You had sex with him," he accused.
"No, I had sex with three of my best friends. We got really drunk on your scotch stash and fucked like bunnies in my room one night. Then in one of their rooms the next few nights. Then we invited one of the whore cheerleaders in to make sure we knew what girls were too." He smirked. "Now no one will want my ass that way." He looked at Horatio. "Is Xander all right? He was very kind when he told us. He pointed out why circuit didn't kick him out, because they expected him to be an adult to handle things on his own, and that he would refuse to take anything beyond what he had on him and put around word that he wasn't good for it."
"Xander is fine. He is why your father is bruised."
The kid nodded. "Bluntly, screw him, sir, since he wanted to have them screw me." He looked at Frank. "Can I go tell my mother?"
"Sure, kid. We'll do that." He looked at him. "How did you find out he wasn't a virgin?" The man went pale. He looked at the kid. "Someone come near you?"
"Two guys in the teen club last night. I made out with one but didn't go all the way. He started to get handsy and creepy."
"Good idea," Horatio said. "I want a description and a statement so we can make sure they're not trying anything with other underage children."
The kid nodded. "Gladly. I was at the teen club down by the Marriot."
"We can use my desk," Frank told him. He led the kid there and took his statement, plus a description. On a hunch he pulled up the poker circuit file and the kid identified one. Frank nodded, making that note. He brought him home and explained what had happened to his mother. He had to remind her setting things on fire was a bad thing inside the city since everything was too dry. Any burning might start a bad fire. She found a burn barrel to burn all his things. Frank called Xander to talk to him about his debts. Xander forgave them and conferenced in his debt book keeper Wyatt to notate that. By the end, the family was free of it from him and Wyatt would tell any others that he owed.
Horatio walked into Fu's. "I have a severe problem," he said, taking off his sunglasses.
"No. With another member. May we speak in private?"
"We can speak out back, Lieutenant." Horatio nodded, following him through the kitchen. "Wyatt?"
"It's not about a debt Xander has," Horatio said quietly. That got a nod from Wyatt, who hung out to see if they'd need him. Horatio let the door close behind him. "Due to the one who attacked Xander earlier, we have found out that he had offered his son to another member of the circuit."
Fu gasped. "We do not accept their sort here, Lieutenant."
"I know, which is why I'm bringing this to you. So we can arrest him. The boy has made a complaint." He held up the report and the profile. "He identified him."
Fu looked and grimaced. "The other is one of three people. I will make sure they come to you tonight."
"Thank you. Unharmed?"
"If possible. A lot of people would be very upset that they did that. We may play poker but we do not accept their sort."
"That is a relief to hear. Thank you." Fu nodded, handing it back. "Xander has forgiven his father's debts to him."
"Wyatt told me. The others he owes will have to talk about that."
"That's reasonable. Thank you." He left, going around the building to his hummer.
Fu walked back inside and went to find them. The other holders of the games would find them as soon as they could and hand them over. He assured them he wasn't sure which one of the three it was. They promised Horatio would get the right one, even if they had to find out. Fu looked at Wyatt, speaking in Chinese to him.
Wyatt grimaced. "Xander would kill him. He nearly killed him when he offered him his son and he said then he was old enough. If he knew the boy wasn't, he would've killed him."
"I'll make sure that one is tagged and whichever the other is has the same stigma."
"Thank you." He waved a hand and Wyatt left to do that. Fu got a drink to calm himself down. He went to tell the others what was going on. They would not allow such things. They remembered Xander nearly killing the father when he had offered his supposedly legal son. This time, they would kill him if he tried to come back.
Xander looked up from his hot rock treatment at the cleared throat. "Hey, Cougar. Am I running late for something?" The sniper shook his head. "Cool. This feels wonderful." He put his head back down.
Cougar sat down and waited. Someone had told Clay, who was now livid that the guy came near Xander. So Cougar was here.
Xander looked at him. "What happened?"
"That man's son."
"I didn't accept him."
"Someone else wasn't as ethical."
"I'll kill the mother fucker." Cougar smiled, shaking his head. Xander called Fu. "Do I have to help ruin someone and kill them?" He listened then grinned. "Thank you. No, I'm having a wonderful hot rock treatment. Thank you, Fu." He hung up and put his head back down. "Thanks, Cougar."
"De nada (Don't mention it)."
Xander grinned. "I keep many secrets." The massage tech came back and checked on him. He moaned when she went back to work on a stubborn knot on his back. "You are so excellent. Thank you."
"You're welcome, Mr. Harris." She smiled. "Your financial manager called in your credit card number and said you were to have whatever you wanted." She finished him off and cleaned off his back. "Did you need a pedicure?"
"No, I did that the other day. Thank you." He hugged her and tipped her from his wallet. "Did Steve think I didn't have it?"
"I don't know." She smiled, helping him up so he could get dressed. She smiled at Cougar. "You are an excellent bodyguard for him."
"He's more a buddy unless I get kidnaped again." She giggled as she walked off. Xander got dressed quickly and they walked out. Xander tipped the staff and smiled with a wink for the receptionist. He took her card, making sure it had her name on it. "Thank you." He walked out. "Cougar, I drove. Did you?" He shook his head, following him. "Cool." He got into the corvette. Cougar checked it over for him. Xander smiled. Cougar got in. "Am I dropping you at home?" He nodded. "Okay." He did that and went to check on Jensen, who was frowning at his computer. "Bad people doing stupid things?"
"Not yet," Jensen sighed. "Clay said that they found a molester in the circuit."
"I heard." He sat down next to him. "I can tell you what I know."
Jensen grinned and they went over each of the people while he did a basic check for things like that. A few he flagged as being evil shits for the universe. A few he had to do deeper checks on later. He sniffed then sniffed Xander's neck. "New oil?"
"Excellent. You should try a Japanese one." Xander hummed, nodding. "They're fantastic."
"I'll try that if there's one in town."
"There's two." He grinned. "Who brought you over?"
"Cougar came to make sure I didn't have any more problems."
"Good." He finished up the look over and sent the results to Clay. And that Xander was there. "Clay said your boys are expecting you soon."
"Ooops." He jumped up and went home.
Jensen grinned, making sure the others were running while he found the spas Xander should at least try. A concubine would appreciate a geisha; concubines did a geisha's job of entertaining as well as the bedroom things the geisha didn't.
Wade looked up as Jensen walked into the kitchen. "He's upstairs stretching."
"I'm not here for practice." He smirked. Then he looked around. "He bought a comic book store, didn't he?"
"Just half of one," Wade muttered. "Are you going to help him thin them out?"
"I can help him store them so they're still cherry," he said with a small shrug. "I'm going to take Xander out, show him a Japanese spa, make him start learning some Japanese since so many of them are stolen over there right now."
"That's not a bad idea. Xander, Jensen's here."
He came running down the stairs. "Come see!" He dragged him over to the other figurines. "I got all the Deadpool ones." He grinned. "Plus most of the X-Men I used to have that got stolen or broken."
"Congrats. I know a few of those are pretty rare."
"I only have one really rare one and that was a poker debt payment." He grinned and showed it to him. Jensen moaned and hesitantly touched the case. "Isn't that cool?"
"That's hyper cool." They shared a grin. "We should get cases for the rest."
"I ordered some."
"They're in the office," Wade said. They went to get them and came back to put them together. "You need a good, locking display case," Wade said.
"I have four but the last coat of varnish needs to dry," Xander said.
"I forgot you did woodwork when you're not backlogged," Jensen said. Xander smiled and nodded. "Where?"
"The workshop." He took him out to show him. They carried the four cases in and Xander picked their spots. They mounted them, made sure they were secure, then they decided which figures went in which one. They decided to group by comic and then year. Wade was shaking his head. "A lot of other geeks would kill for this," Xander said. He and Jensen went to get the other two cases, bringing them in to put next to the entry between the windows. The comics laying around got put in them and closed. So did the rest of the books lying around the house. "There."
Jensen nodded. "Yup." He grinned at Xander. "You have an appointment at three at a Japanese spa. To do that, you need to learn about ten phrases."
"Really? I heard they were great."
"They are," Wade agreed from his seat.
"Teach me?" Xander asked.
"We can learn it together." Xander beamed, bounced, and they went to the office to look up language systems. Xander was quickly learning the phrases Jensen had learned already. They were usual commands for massages and 'I'm learning Japanese'. The spa would be a great place to learn. They could teach them a few words each trip. Jensen also introduced the subject of geisha while there.
The massage girl giggled while walking over his back. She explained what they were and weren't, which made Xander happy. She worked on their pronunciation of what they knew. It was a lot of fun and Xander made a return appointment for a week from then for them. Then they went to get milkshakes and fries so they could pig out.
Clay stared at Jensen when he finally got back. "We're about to leave on a mission."
"Retrieval or something harder?"
"Retrieval," he sighed. "Marian."
"Where?" He went to his apartment to pack.
Jensen shuddered. "Again?"
"Yes. Though we all agree it's probably a bad thing. Where were you?"
"Xander and I were at a Japanese spa. I've talked him into learning Japanese with me."
"That's not a bad idea since they had to retrieve six members from Japan in the last year. What else did you do today?"
"Helped Xander protect and put up his action figure collection and comics. He was down enough to do some woodwork again."
"He knows a woodworking shop?"
"That extra space behind the garage is one."
Clay just nodded at that. "Handy to know." He went to tell Cougar there was a shop around if he needed to work on his weapons. Then Clay made sure everyone had everything. They were bringing more weapons than usual because it was Bolivia. He hoped they were overreacting.
Xander finished packing his emergency supplies and headed over to Jolene's, handing it over and taking the baby. "In case they need it."
She smiled. "Thank you, Xander. We usually have a pretty good one."
"Adam used to be a doc and Alexx loves us."
She checked, gaping in awe at what was in the box. She looked at him. "How?"
Xander grinned. "I was the field medic in Sunnydale when Giles couldn't. Beyond that, I learned while Willow played doctor from her mother's medical textbooks."
"Wow. That's not how you play doctor."
"I always thought it involved a sonic screwdriver when you played Doctor." He shrugged. She gave him an odd look. "Dr. Who."
"Never mind. That's not my sort of show." She took the baby back. "Why bring it now?"
"They're on their way back. Clay has a few very bad cut marks. Your husband has a brand new hole in his ass cheek." She moaned. "Go set up somewhere for me." She nodded, taking the box to Cougar's apartment while he watched the baby. He smiled at him. "You are so damn lucky. Yes you are." He kissed him on the forehead. "Will you be good when I pour alcohol in your daddy's ass?"
"He fusses when his daddy gets a papercut," she said, coming back. "I'm using Cougar's spare room."
"That's cool." Someone else leaned in. "Wade, is Ray with you?"
"Yeah. He's bored." He took the baby down to him. "Should I call Adam?"
"I will if we can't handle it."
"That's fine. The three threats here in town who decided that Clay is an evil bastard for fucking them are all distracted out in the Glades."
"Thank you." Xander and Jolene went to set up. Wade let them know when they landed. Xander texted he had the medical kit set up in Cougar's. Ray and Wade were watching the baby. He even had painkillers. The team showed up a half hour later looking less than healthy, happy, and satisfied. "If I had known, I would've sent you with artillery, guys. Who needs cleaned and who needs more? Pooch, I already heard. Spare bedroom." The others sorted themselves out. Jensen had a few very deep cuts that needed more than bandaged. Cougar had a broken trigger hand. That was going to suck for him. Xander looked at Pooch. "Strip it."
"I...." he started. Jolene came over to strip him. "We cleaned it."
"There's all sorts of funky bacteria and things in the jungle," Xander reminded him. "The same as there is in the desert." He found what he needed and pulled on gloves. "Allergies?"
"Decent." He looked at the wound, probing gently. "Bullet out?"
"Wonderful." He squirted some local in and then doused liberally with alcohol to make sure it was clean. Pooch yelped but the stuff that came out wasn't pretty. Xander soaked it up with some gauze, letting him see it. Instead of yelping, he got swears. "I know. That's why we put down the tarp, dude." He finally got it cleaned out and stitched it, leaving a tiny opening for drainage. He coated it with the proper version of neosporin and covered it with a bandage before looking him over. "Not bad." Pooch blushed. "Not that. You're taken, I don't touch taken. I meant the bruises."
"I put the ice packs in the freezer when you left," she said, leading him out once he had on pants. "You go lay on your side and use a few." He nodded.
"Next?" Xander called.
Clay walked in. "It's only a few cuts."
"I heard. How's the one on your leg?"
"Nasty." He stripped down to tank top and boxers. He didn't need to go farther. Even the graze on the back of his thigh was partially uncovered. Xander slapped the proper stuff on it and then checked his leg, making him lay down so he could stitch that one. Another one got butterflies then Clay got released to clean himself up. "Cougar, I'll do your hand last." He tossed him a bottle. "Make him take one, Jensen, then present yourself. Aisha, do I need to do yours?"
"I'm not that bad."
Jolene glared. "You being injured means that they have to worry about you. It could mean them dying in the field. You know that. Get your ass in there." She pointed at the bedroom. Aisha slunk that way. Xander got her down to her bra and panties, stitching the few that needed it. Then he released her with a small bottle of antibiotics. She smiled as she walked out. "Jensen, how badly are you hurt?"
"Few cuts, few whip marks. Cougar's got the worse injury."
Xander nodded, coming out to look at Cougar's hand. He cast a quiet spell, which showed him where the broken things were. One was out of place. He looked at him, getting a nod, so he put it back. Then he found the casting materials. He handed them to Jolene. "Soften those please? Should take about five minutes." She nodded. "I'll wrap it if you can't, Cougar."
"I can," he promised.
"Okay. Jensen, get naked for me. Yeah, I heard."
"How did you hear?"
"Big, tall, redheaded viking looking dude? He's from down that way. He heard and let me know that you guys were coming back injured. Thankfully, Alexx likes you guys too." He led him in there, closing the door partway. "Want something for the pain?"
"I might be okay." He hesitated. Xander helped him take things off. His formerly dislocated shoulder was still swollen. The cuts looked infected. "Ran out as fast as you could?" he asked quietly.
"Yup. We're lucky we got her." He laid down and let Xander handle what he needed to.
Xander snapped the waistband of his Kermit and Miss Piggy boxers. "Need that treated?"
Xander snickered, looking at him. "I can do it if you want."
"No thank you."
"Not like I'm going to suddenly start comparing to what I have, Jensen. I can get Alexx if you want. Or Adam." He blushed, shaking his head. "They'll have to come out, man. You know that."
"I don't care."
"Well, they still have to come out." Jensen groaned. "Which one of us do you want to do it? I can see if Cougar can."
"I'll handle it," he sighed.
Xander injected some local and started to work, making Jensen relax again. Cleaning them would still hurt and it was necessary before the wounds could finish healing. He finally got done and stuck him with a new needle of stuff, making him groan and grab his head. "That should last about a half hour," he said quietly. "Want me to get Alexx here?"
"No. I can," he said weakly.
"Jensen, no man can make a delicate cut to his own penis to remove barbed needles." Jensen shuddered. "Flip over. Let me see." Jensen did that and Xander pulled down his boxers, looking. "Dude, ow." Jensen nodded. "I know, it happens." He got the first few out but then one was on his balls and that had to hurt more. He delicately released that and Jensen got happier. Xander covered him back up and looked at him. "Better?"
Xander kissed him on the top of the head like he would the baby. "You sleep. Let me check on Cougar's hand. I'm not sure why you two aren't healing right now." He went to check. "Any sign of his healing gifts?"
"Not a one," Jolene admitted.
Xander took the material to do the finger portions, getting a nod from Cougar. "I got the barbs out too." Finally it was done and he cleaned his hands. "There."
"Thank you," Cougar said quietly.
"Not a problem, man. Have Alexx pull some blood to see what you got exposed to?" Cougar nodded he'd do that. "When it's healed, let me know and I'll help you crack it."
"I try really hard," Xander said with a grin. He looked at Jolene. "Go repossess your baby and spoil your man." She ran off. He looked at Cougar. "You should've healed long before now."
"They sprayed something on us," he said. Jensen came out. "That spray?"
"I bagged the shirt that had it all over it but the healing was still working after that. I think it was whatever gas he used," Jensen said with a yawn. "Let me go nap in my own bed." Xander walked him down and tucked him in. "Thanks."
"Welcome. The same as I'd do for any friend, Jensen." He walked off to see if they had a sample of the gas. Cougar let him draw blood. That he sent up to Greg the fast way. They needed to know.
Adam walked into the building the team was living in, looking around. It had been a few hours of worrying about a new attack against immortals while Greg had done his analysis. Fortunately it wasn't as bad as it could be. "Jensen." He walked toward him. "Greg did an analysis. We can counter it and weed it out of your system."
"How long should it last?"
"Cougar needs his hand back faster."
"I know. That's why we're working so fast. Lead me to him?" Jensen nodded, walking him up to the apartment. He laid out the chemical profile, getting a nod from them both. "Greg believes it is these three in combination," he said with a point. "Because in the past the Watchers have used it when they hunted some of us down. It made us weaker. So we have to avoid these. We have figured out a counter. It should take less than a day to work." Cougar nodded, looking at his hand. "That will heal flawlessly. I'll make sure of it myself. I had to remove Ryan's eye when he got hit with a nail and it left debris. This is much less serious."
"How long ago were you a doctor?" Jensen asked.
"Within the last twenty years."
"Cool. Xander did a really good job," Jensen assured him.
Adam smiled. "I would expect no less from him." He pulled out a vial and two sealed needle packs. "This is intra-muscular." They nodded, rolling up their shirts. Adam stuck them both then looked over Cougar's hand. The healing was already speeding up. He could feel the heat of it. Jensen was visibly healing. He smiled. "We'll make sure the other immortals hear of this."
"Thanks, Adam," Jensen said. "I know it worried Xander."
"You are friends," he reminded him. "He is the sort to worry about friends." He stared at them. "Has he talked to you about your next life's things? You both run a high risk of getting noticeably dead sometime."
"We heard, we're thinking," Jensen admitted.
Adam smirked at them. "As a former general in many armies," he said dryly. "I do understand. There are ways around being so far out of your usual comfort zone." They both nodded. "Including switching to bodyguard work or Rapid Response."
"I can't imagine us as cops," Jensen said with a shudder. "We don't follow orders real well."
Clay walked in. "We figure it out?" They nodded. "Good. That was worrying."
"I have the feeling someone there knew about us," Adam said, looking at them.
Jensen nodded. "One of the guards had been immortal. On the way back I noted to every single board I could find that he was dead and if he came back he was like Wade. Wade creeps everyone out but they won't touch him for fear of having Xander ruin them so now they'll have someone to test on." Adam smirked at that bit of devious nature.
"He definitely has to change jobs if not lives," Clay agreed. He handed over the report. "Who had her."
He read it over, nodding slightly. "I know the Brazilian group head said that he'd had some problems out of him."
"Yeah, we sent them to Roberto," Jensen said dryly. "He hit on Aisha again."
"She's a pretty girl but I'm about to ask if she has tapeworms with how thin she is," Adam said dryly. Cougar glared at his hand. "Itching is normal." He nodded he knew that. "By tonight that should be healed. Alexx has said we can use her x-ray about four to check on it." Cougar grinned. "We'll make sure it's healing straight and a few days of hand exercises should finish getting it back into shape." He looked at Jensen, then at Clay. Who rolled his eyes but left. "Xander thinks you've been upset?"
"My sister Jess hasn't been able to sell her house yet and come down. I miss them."
"Hmm. Is something perhaps bothering her?"
"Maybe. Why do we think that?"
"Because you're not upset that she's not selling the house." Jensen gaped. He stared at him. "Are you?"
"I'm worried she's worried about something."
"Then go talk to her."
"You can," Cougar countered.
Jensen slumped some. "We're very close."
"Even with that, all this doesn't change that, Jensen. Even though you will someday watch them grow old to an inevitable end, that will not change the closeness you two feel."
"Xander said we're all foundlings." Adam nodded. "Mom had pictures of me right after the birth and all that. Still messy and through the next eighteen days."
"I do not know," he admitted. "I know that all of us have been foundlings." Jensen slumped in his chair. "Was your sister as well?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "I doubt it."
Adam patted him on the wrist. "Enjoy the closeness. They are your family even if you're not biologically connected. Dean and Sam had that same problem. Looking back through a very old journal their father had kept, Sam was switched in the hospital and Dean was found in a car he was working on." Jensen groaned. "It didn't affect how close they were. They're tighter now really. The same will happen between you and your sister."
"I haven't told her."
"I figured you hadn't." He smiled. "You can do so. As long as she doesn't go on tv or start a government research project it will be fine. Either go up or bring them down for the weekend. That way Xander had confuse her and she'll be easier about your news."
"Can we have kids before we come over?" Jensen asked. Adam shook his head. "You're sure?"
"I'm quite certain. We're all infertile. I do not know why we are before then. Why?"
Cougar shrugged. "I know she was faithful."
Adam stared. "Hmm. No I've never seen a case where a parent came over."
"Maybe they're the ones that don't die violent deaths?" Jensen guessed. "They wouldn't be doing things that would get them a violent death."
"Perhaps." He smiled. "You're still worried?"
"I felt...something from my sister the last time I saw her."
"She had Jess. I was there when she delivered."
Adam nodded at that. "There's others that do send out a pre-immortal like feeling. Danny is the best at telling those among the group. Xander found out slayers put one out and nearly lost his mind for a weekend." Jensen moaned. "As he's said many times, those with special destinies don't get the happily ever after until well after their destinies are done. It makes them strong enough to fight."
"Yeah, I guess I can see that point," Jensen admitted. "I offered to get her down here for a weekend and she refused."
"Is she worried about all the violence, the hurricanes perhaps? The heat?"
"I don't know."
"Then go visiting."
"Xander and I have a standing appointment."
"Xander will understand and encourage you to go see her. Those sort of bonds are what keep you sane," Adam corrected. "You know very well if you hesitated Xander would drug you and put you on a plane."
Jensen grinned, nodding. "He would, yeah." Cougar nodded more quickly. "Thanks, Adam."
"Teachers are more than those who make you practice. We are here to help your transition go smoother. Who did do your initial training?"
Adam rolled his eyes. "Fucking moron," he said in Chinese. "I'll have a talk with him."
"I told him I found a few more, including one who was teaching me to sword fight. He was worried the guy might take my head but I said that they were a family of immies and we were accepted and coddled. He knew I was talking about Xander."
"About half of us know about Xander. He's a standard bearer as an honest one you can trust."
"Connor?" Cougar asked. Adam looked at him. "Sam and Dean ran into him."
"Yes, they told me about that. I promptly called him to remind him to stay away from Xander because of the way things had happened.
"Xander said he was only going to get Ryan out of that battle ring."
"He claims he was going to come back for him at a later time. I pointed out Xander could've died by then. For someone who was sleeping with Xander, he should have had more affection for him. Then I reminded him to keep his shit in New York and to not come near Xander. Xander was serious and would end him. He laughed at the dance style but admitted Dean and Sam were well trained in that style. I pointed out I was training them as well. Connor promptly shut up." He smirked.
"Connor is but a child at times. The same as his cousin Duncan is. That one is the immortal boyscout." They both smirked at that description. "So yes, I'm well aware of Connor and keep a gentle eye on where he is. He's in DC driving federal agents insane with all the challenges he's taken. That thing going on in New York is going to draw him soon and I believe we'll end up with one less Macleod."
"Do we go to you after Xander?" Jensen asked.
"If you wish. I know personally I cannot beat Xander in a fair fight. Then again I hardly ever fight fair." He smirked as he stood up. "If you need more help, come see me."
"Do they come back?" Jensen asked quietly.
Adam stared at him. "I have seen many come back. There's a few I'm waiting to see again, like my Alexa. She was my lover before Ray. She nearly broke me from going out with Ray," he said honestly. They nodded they knew about that. "You will see them again. Some year, in some way, you will see them again." Jensen smiled again, nodding some. "Go talk to her."
"I'll take leave this weekend. Her school's open house is Friday." Adam left smiling. He looked at Cougar. "Wanna come with me?"
He shook his head. "She squeals." He went to his own apartment. He'd make sure he got to Alexx by four. She was a nice mothering lady who fed them a lot when they were in range. She was like a less hyper version of Xander for mothering.
Jensen made his plans and went to talk to Clay. "I need to see my sister."
"Go," he agreed. "If we have a mission we'll call and you can probably help from there or get to us quickly."
Jensen nodded. "I can do that. Thanks."
"You going to tell her?"
"Yeah, I think I am." He left, going to pack. The ticket was easy enough to purchase online in the cab. He could print it at the airport kiosk. That got him on there faster. He had shipped his guns ahead from the UPS store he had the cab stop at. He'd be safe enough for a single night and he had a blade in his bag.
In New Hampshire, Jensen's sister got an odd feeling. "I think we're going to hear from your uncle soon," she told her daughter, who bounced around squealing and happy. She smiled. That was a good sight to see. Her daughter was miserable without seeing him as often. "I'm working on it."
"I know, Mommy." She ran off to watch out the window, the cordless phone right next to her. No matter which way he came, she'd know first.
Jess went to make dinner. Jensen ate like a horse sometimes.
Jensen walked up to the door, staring at it. Usually it was open by now. One of the neighbors was staring at him like he was going to rob the place. "I'm her brother," he called with a smile and a wave. He heard the squeal as his niece ran through the house. "Usually you pounce me at the sidewalk," he teased when he caught her. "Why are you wet?" He carried her inside.
"It's bath time. Mom said so." She wiggled down and went to finish up. "You two talk. You have that scary adult look again."
Jensen giggled, looking at his sister. Adam had been right, the feeling wasn't the same as usual pre-immie. "Hey."
"Hey." She took her own hug. "Are you all right? You look weird and tired."
He grinned. "Not quite. We can talk after the sprout goes down." She nodded, letting him help with the nighttime rituals. He still was the best bedtime reader ever. His niece finally slept so they went to talk in the kitchen. "You hate Miami that much?"
"It's dangerous, Jensen."
"Not all that dangerous. Some gangs but otherwise.... No, they've been keeping it down."
"You hear about attacks and things."
"Yeah and then officers we know and Xander go stomp on them. I have connections into the underground down there. Half of them owe Xander money." She gaped. "He's not mafia or anything."
"Mmm." He wiggled a hand in the air. "Not quite, but kinda before he retired. Honestly, unless it's a pointless statement or one of the retired agents having a problem, Miami's pretty safe. A few areas are bad like any city."
"It's still a city. Where would she play?"
He grinned. "There's tons of small communities nearby." He opened his computer to find the files he had downloaded, showing her. "I like this one. It's a forty-five minute drive from where I live right now."
"You're living somewhere real?"
"Yeah. The whole team has apartments in the same building."
"Huh." She looked. "What's this dot?"
"The crime lab. We work with the head of the daytime felony lab a lot. This is Xander's place. He's got a safe area in case we need it." He looked at her.
"Are you and this Xander dating?"
"No. Xander has his two boyfriends, who are both cops at the crime lab station, one in the lab. He's a friend." She relaxed and smiled. "He's teaching me blade work though."
She tipped her head. "Why?"
"That's a long story we have to talk about but you'll want tequila."
"That's bad," she decided. "Are you going to tell me something really horrible?"
"Well.... kinda." He stared at her, then moved closer to hug her. "Apparently we're not natural brother and sister," he said quietly. She stiffened. She looked up at him. "I found out through another source that apparently Mom found me."
"That ...." She cleared her throat. "Huh." He nodded. "That's freaky."
"It's been killing my mind for months."
"You're right, I need tequila. Does anyone else know?"
"The whole team. You're still my sister though. Now it's just that apparently I'm adopted. That makes me more special." She snickered. He grinned back. She got them both a beer and sat down to talk about this. Her answer to immortality was 'no way' until he cut his hand. Then she watched it heal. She gaped in awe at him. He nodded. She hugged him. He hugged her back, closing his eyes when she sniffled. "I'm always here for you. You know that."
"I love you too, you big idiot." He laughed, giving her a squeeze. She looked at him. "Are you okay with this?"
"I'm still bothered. I'm still worried. Xander's actually the one training us."
"Us? Your team?"
"Oh. But the others...."
"Then Pooch wouldn't have been able to have his son." She nodded. "It'll be the same as if I lost them in the field. I'll avenge whoever takes them out and then find a new life. Xander will probably cushion me. He's good at that. He's still pretty young himself but he's had other students."
"You need someone with tons of experience. Not a greenhorn."
He grinned. "Xander knows a unique fighting style that even the oldest ones can't always win against." She gaped. He nodded. "Yeah. I can't fully do it because it's a GHS thing but he's been helping my regular skills too. We've been figuring ways of bringing one into the field with us and all that."
"Well, it's a storytelling dance that has self defense and swordwork built into it. Only GHS can really do the dance. Xander was also trained off-realm at a temple of Ares. We have a whole little group down there so I've actually got about ten teachers whenever we're all together, including the other students. Who used to hunt demons." She gaped in awe. He nodded. "Xander also fusses and stuffs us full and makes us go shopping with him as a punishment." She cackled at that. "Seriously!" She batted him on the arm and got them another beer. "I know it's weird."
"Actually you've made it Jensen weird instead of regular weird." He smirked at her for that. "The others all know?"
"Yeah. They all know. Clay is so on our asses if we can't practice daily right now."
"It's a skill that'll save yours and his life, of course he is."
"There's some unethical people out there," he reminded her.
"I know. Are you sure Miami is safe?" He handed over the day's Miami Sun. She read it for crime stats. "That's better than New York right now. About like Hartford is becoming."
"The smaller areas are nice," he assured her. "It's still hotter than hell but nice. And one has a great private school system." She smiled at him for that. "I think we can swing tuition."
"Yeah, I'm positive. It's not a problem. If it is, I can ask Xander for a loan and he'd probably pay for most of it as long as I paid him back."
"He sounds like a good friend to have." He nodded. "Why is he playing poker with thugs?"
"He's bored." She cackled, shaking her head. "He is. He and I are learning Japanese."
She hugged him again. "I'll put the house back on the market tomorrow." He grinned and gave her a squeeze. He noticed his niece staring and waved her out. She crawled between them to hug too. "How long have you been up?"
"A few minutes." She looked at Jensen. "So are you really an uncle?"
"Yeah, our mom just adopted me."
"You can't tell anyone."
"I know. But if that Xander guy hurts you I get to kick his butt."
Jensen grinned. "He'd let you if he hurt me." She smiled and cuddled. "Don't try to hurt Xander. He's a very good friend."
"Fine." She ran off to fix what she had been doing. Jensen followed to undo it on her. Then they had a talk about how bad Federal agents were when they showed up about you hacking banks. She pouted but understood and realized she was grounded tomorrow. But her uncle still loved her. And they'd be closer soon.
Steve Ellison, Xander's financial manager blinked as the statements he was looking over changed. Then changed when he tried reloading it. It was mostly back. He called Oz to track that; he knew Oz was a hacker and Xander trusted him. There was a few hundred thousand missing.
Jensen and his sister were having another beer in the living room when his niece's computer started to cackle. He hopped up and ran to look. "Crap, who hacked her!" he complained, sitting down to fight it off. "Oh, shit, Oz!" he muttered, typing at Oz. He told him what had happened. He looked at his niece. "How did you manage to keep three hundred thousand?" he asked her sleeping body. He found it and sent it back with an apology. Oz said they had to train her in white hat hacking soon. The group needed more hackers. There was only them and one other guy who was far out of date. Jensen agreed and unplugged her cable modem, handing it to his sister with a grin. "Fixed."
"She did what?"
"Earlier I stopped her hacking Xander's bank account."
"Okay," she said carefully.
"She managed to keep some. That was another hacker who Xander's financial manager knows, and introduced me too. He's not on my level but he's not bad. He was fixing it so she could not hack again since all her files showed her being a kid. He was going to fry her system on her."
"I can agree with that. She's getting it in the morning." Jensen chuckled and they left. "We sent it back?"
"Yeah, I did. Oz and I agreed, she's got to learn white hat hacking sooner instead of later."
"We'll be closer so you can teach her between missions, but that girl is not getting online ever again without me right over her shoulder."
"I can agree with that. Especially since she somehow found my old programs and was teaching herself from them."
"The ones that got you noticed?"
"Am I going to have to see agents?"
"No. He fixed it. He erased all the data on her and I'll make sure." She hugged him and kissed him on the forehead, going to make him cookies while he made sure her butt was covered. Jensen shook his head. He'd have to confiscate those old files of his. They were much too dangerous at her age. He had been ten when he wrote the first one so he could find free porn. She wasn't ready for that yet.
Steve smiled at the report from Oz, who said it was fixed and Jensen was going to talk to his own niece. Oz also pointed out some security flaws that made him sigh. It looked like they were going to have to arrange things on Xander again. He hated it when his money got moved. It made him pout and the ones who wanted him always thought he was now broke so gave him more things. But it had to so he wasn't hacked. He was surprised no one else had. He had Oz check the other accounts, finding a few test hacks that he handled. Then Steve got to figure out where to move things. Because Xander could not keep it as actual cash in the house, even if it was safer.
That brought back uncomfortable thoughts from the costume incident of Pirate Xander.
Xander looked up from his sunning when an SUV pulled in and parked. "Yes?" he called. They detoured from the front door to talk to him. "Which agency are you with and why?"
"We're with the IRS, sir," one said smugly.
Xander looked at him. "I let you guys do my taxes, junior. There's no way your own people screwed up."
"Sir, you haven't been reporting some of your income."
"I got told by the local supervisor, who I asked specifically, to estimate my poker winnings. Especially since I can claim most of it as 'needs to be paid' at the time." He sat up to look at them. "Why?"
"Some of your income was also gained illegally." Xander looked clueless. "That little trip in New York? That's illegal."
"I claimed that on my taxes. It's also all gone. It was gone shortly after we moved to Miami." They gaped. "I have income from other sources." He summoned out the phone to call Steve, making two of the trio gasp in horror. "Steve, me. IRS is here?" He hung up. "He'll be down soon." He gave him a look. "So why come to me now, since that was years ago, and you can't prove a thing?"
"We can, sir. Someone's business got raided and we have all the proof we need."
Xander snickered. "You guys raided a demon brothel?" The agent went pale. "I doubt it. So don't try." One of the DPP dropped Steve off and left. "Thank you," he called. "That was very nice." Two other very large, very powerful demons showed up. "Guys, problems?"
"Two of them are my clan," one of the High Council members said, glaring at him.
"It's against the law," he defended.
"He claimed it, that's not against the law." He waved a hand, bringing Wyatt, who squeaked. "Thank you. I need his book please." He handed it over carefully. "These ones are IRS." He showed it to him. "Paid versus owing."
That agent read it over, grimacing. "He hasn't claimed all this."
"This year's taxes aren't due yet," Steve said. He rolled his eyes. "Why would he be claiming this year's already? It's not even December yet. He's not a corporation." He got one of Xander's laptops and came back after logging into his home system. He showed them. "That is what he owns."
"Who are you?" the other agent demanded.
"His financial manager," Steve said dryly.
"I don't speak that strange financial language," Xander said dryly. "I never have. Steve talks in tongues when he handles those things."
"Oz found a few security flaws after Jensen's niece tried to hack your accounts," Steve told him."
"Damn, again?" he whined.
"Yes, we're moving them to something safer and less hacker proof, Xander." He looked at the agents, who all stared. He smirked. "He doesn't handle his money. I handle his money. All he cares about is if his cards work when he goes shopping."
A multi-tentacled demon appeared, leering at Xander. "I will fix this for you if you will become mine."
"We're not compatible and eww. I'm sure it's something else's plan." He smirked. "Get off my lawn." The demon huffed but disappeared.
"You're mellow today, you didn't kill him, thank you," the other High Council member said dryly.
Xander grinned. "I'm having a happy day. And my hormones are even down some right now thanks to the new dance lessons."
"When does her contract with you run out?" Steve asked.
"Six months after we started so January? I think? If we need to we can extend it for a bit. Why?"
"Just wondering. That's something you only told me needed to be done."
"She's teaching Ahn and I. Now she's got Stella, Speed, and Ray."
"I'll extend the contract," he decided. He looked at the agents. Who all gave him dirty looks. "Like I said, he can't even balance his checkbook. He's proved that *many* times."
"He still gets the majority of his income from illegal sources," the lead agent sneered.
"No, he gets most of his income from things like the guy with the tentacles who just threatened to have you guys killed. Them gifting him is their way of getting his attention. He's gotten millions in jewels from that sort."
"And the one former client who died and left me his lair and mine," Xander added.
Steve looked at him oddly. "Do I know about that?"
"Yeah, that spot in Texas?"
"Oh, that's what that is. All right." He nodded, looking at them. He looked up. "These agents are going to take all his money and leave him broke," he called. Six different demons showed up with presents and left. Steve smiled at them. "That's why he gets so much income. Which we make him claim as well. The local office's supervisor does his taxes for him so we make sure everything is covered. I always bring in a current estimate from his debt book keeper about how much he's made and how much is owed since that's a capitol loss or an expense. Your supervisor set that up." He smiled. "Now, who is really behind this?"
"They said someone raided Devi," Xander said. He stood up and grabbed his glass. "I have lemonade and bottles of water if anyone wants any."
"Please put on clothes," the demon over the agents moaned. "Pretty please, Xander?"
Xander looked at himself then at him. "I'll think about it. I am tanning." He shot him a dirty look, getting a moan. He grinned. "It's about time for me to head to dance practice anyway." He bounced in to get them drinks then went to get dressed. He came out in thin dance pants and a tank top, carrying his bells. Including one small hair band bell. He sat down on his towel to work on his hair, shaking it to make sure the bells were clear. Then he put on the others.
Steve looked at him. "Belly dancing?"
"Yeah, I'm fantastic at it." He grinned. "And pole dancing lessons. I'm in better shape than I have been for years."
"Ah. Is that what you're giving your boys as a present?"
"I already did once," he said smugly. "Don begged for mercy."
Steve nodded. "I can see why, Xander." He looked at them again, seeing the horrified looks. "He's GHS," he pointed out.
"Oh," one said flatly. "They have a whole different classification in the codes." He looked those up and sighed. "No, brothel money is not illegal for them, and they have special requirements for gifting." He looked at the presents. "One's moving."
Xander looked then shrugged. "It's harmless." He ate one of the chocolates and grimaced, looking up. "Eww, parts," he complained. The box got changed out and that demon left again. "Thank you." He nibbled. "Hmm, the good stuff." He let Steve have one and the other demons.
"He made a good choice," the other Council member agreed. "Raspberry truffles." A minion came and hissed in his ear, getting a nod. "Xander, Devi himself wants you back."
Sam leaned out the door. "Did I hear something about a demon causing problems?" The two Council members stared at him so he smiled. "Yes, hi, Xander's my teacher too. Mine and Dean's."
"Devi apparently told these nice IRS agents about me."
"Hey, Dean, who do we know in New York City right now?" he called. "Devi tried to make Xander broke by telling the IRS about him."
"Actually, some of what we got given might put him in jail for prostitution or pandering," the lead agent admitted.
"And he wanted him in jail so he had to beg," Sam added. They heard a quieter yell. "Xander, doesn't Devi have to be less than six inches to not regenerate?"
"Yeah, and his people are farters."
"Decent. Dean, less than six inches," he called, walking that way. "Tell whichever hunter not to bother the other pros. They can fight over who gets to keep the house open."
"I love those two," Steve decided, smiling at Xander. Who grinned back.
"They are like great brothers." He smiled at Wade as he drove up and casually strolled over, hand on his gun. "Devi turned these nice IRS agents onto me."
Wade looked at one of the demons. "Aren't most of them yours?"
"Oh, yes. He's trying to do his job properly, which I commend him for, but clearly he did not research things." Those two looked down.
Xander ate another chocolate. "Raspberry truffle?" he asked them. "It's tough when you're used as a pawn. Trust me, others have tried it behind my back before so they could take out others who wanted me and tried to use me to ruin others."
"Thank you for not letting them kill us, sir," the head agent said, taking his own. The other two took one. "Do you work?"
"No, I keep a wonderful home, spoil my made family greatly, and the crime lab as well."
"Ah. Do you own any businesses?"
"For that, ask Steve. He tells me that stuff."
He looked at Steve, who pulled that up. Wade came over to look too. Steve glanced at Xander, who nodded.
"Geez, kid." Wade looked at him. "You're very diverse."
"Steve tells me how good things are. Sometimes I get ideas though."
"Don't remind me of the cruise ship you won in a poker game," Steve said, shaking his head slightly.
"I don't want to know," Wade admitted.
"I turned it into apartments," Xander said. "They really liked them and the people who bought it off me moved it to New York, where it's a huge hit."
"That's because Manhattan's a crowded island," Wade agreed. Xander nodded at that. "What's the other boxes?"
"Steve announced they were here to take my money. Raspberry truffle," he offered with a grin.
Wade ate one. "Mmm. That's better than any I've seen you get down here."
"No, that's from the shop in Las Vegas," Xander said. "It's *wonderful*, moan inducing chocolate. It's what I made the fudge from."
Wade finished it, nodding. "They're great." He looked at Steve, who shook his head quickly. "I got told the fudge was addictive."
"I only eat it in a bubble bath," Steve shot back with a smirk. "And with a wonderful glass of wine." He got back to it. The IRS people compared what he had to what they had. "I file the business taxes separately," he said when they couldn't find one. They found that one and the register of sale. So they were cool and had to pout all the way back to their office.
Xander looked at the demons. "Thank you for your help as well."
"We don't want you to have any more problems than you currently do. You might go destroy some people to wear out the stress," one said. "I'll discourage those again." He gathered the tags and went to talk to them with the other Council member. A few of the presents disappeared but most still stayed.
Xander looked up. "You have to get Danny and Don to agree," he reminded them. "Plus Ryan." The presents got sent to Don. A note was left to that effect. Xander grinned. "I have class."
"She broke her ankle last night," Wade told him. "I'm avoiding the pout."
"We needed o talk anyway, Wade. I'm going back to Cascade for a few months." Xander pouted. "I have to beat my stupid big brother over the head, Xander."
"Say hi to Jim and Blair for me."
"I will, once Jim's in the ER." He looked at Wade. "Which would leave you being in charge of the stuff in case something happened and I couldn't be reached."
"I guess," Wade said, looking at Xander.
"Financial language is not one I'm probably ever going to be fluent in," he pointed out. "CD's should only carry music and information."
He nodded. "I know a lot more than that. You sure you don't want Clay or someone?"
"They're never here."
"Fine. How about if we brief one of them too, just in case, so I don't get any temptation?"
"If you're sure," Xander said with a shrug. "Someone figure out why my gas card wouldn't work?"
"I'll have it refilled," Steve said. "I put you on a prepaid one, Xander." Xander grinned. "Why don't you workout out here?"
"Because the neighbors can see?"
"Probably a good point," Wade agreed, starting to sweat. "We'll close ourselves in the office." They want that way and he called Clay to see who he wanted to know in case something happened. The unanimous group vote was Jensen so they called him on video conference to talk to him about things. Xander nicely kept the music down while he worked out.
Clay walked in and paused, staring at Xander. "Xander, male strippers only dance," he called.
"I know that, Clay. I did it a few times."
"Okay. Just so you know that you look like a really hot, flat chested girl when you do that." Xander cackled. Clay walked into the office, looking at Jensen's face on the monitor. "What did your sister do that got us new body armor?"
"I don't know. Sis, Clay said thank you for the new body armor," he called.
"He's welcome. Can't have him dying before I get to steal Cougar's hat."
Jensen grinned at him, getting a head shake back. "Problems?"
"Your phone's down."
"Yeah, the neighborhood puppy stole it to bury it. I'm buying a new one in an hour. Retrieval?"
"In the Keys. We should be fine."
"Give me twenty and I'll have a new number."
"We have your backup one."
"That'll work too or call here. We're at home for the next three hours then there's a community picnic in the park." He grinned. "They're moving down to that little town with that really good school."
"Congrats, kid." He left, not watching Xander. He had to focus on the mission coming up, not on his dick. His dick would have to wait unless Aisha felt like blowing him on the way down to the Keys. Which she probably wouldn't since the others could watch.
Steve shook his head. "I'm so glad you guys are so good. Xander's had so many problems."
"Speaking of, I came over to tell him he got paid poker debts in artillery again," Wade said.
"Have fun with the inventory," Jensen said. "It's on his blue laptop."
"I can do that." They finished going over all the businesses and accounts, though Steve said a few were going to change. Wade and Jensen were both amused that Xander had a shitload more than they thought. Then Steve said that was without the jewelry emergency stash and the present warehouse, which they needed a tax inventory for by January. They didn't have to count the illegal artillery but any legal handguns had to count as well.
Wade moaned but nodded they had something of the sort. They'd have to get some appraised. Xander had his chosen for that so it was going to be all right. Jensen signed off and went to buy a new phone. Wade went to not watch Xander wiggle and dance. Because then Anya wouldn't be pouting. Steve watched for a minute and sighed. "I need a new girlfriend," he decided, walking off. "I'm heading home, Xander."
"Okay, Steve. Thank you."
"Not a problem, you know that." He went home to take a cold shower, have some wine, and make arrangements to go back to Cascade for three months. Danny, Don, Wade, and Jensen would keep Xander in hand.
Wade looked up at the sound of jingling bells, staring. "You're much more limber than Anya," he said, going to find a book in another room. Or maybe a movie. Of course when he got the system on, it was a porno so he had to change it out. Since it was busty Asian girls, it had been Dean who hadn't cleaned up after himself. Figured.
Xander shrugged and went back to it. Maybe he'd have to pull out the full costume, including veils, for his holiday present? He'd have to decide that soon and start to work on the christmas present drive. This gave him a lot of time to think and plan.
Danny looked up as his name was called over the intercom they never used. So apparently it was a huge problem. He found a demon there with a briefcase. "Yes?"
"Mr. Messer, I'm with Wolfram and Hart. I'm here to serve papers on behalf of a client."
"For what reason?" he asked.
"Because my client says that your boyfriend is causing him mental distress." He handed it over.
Danny looked it over then snickered, looking at him. "Stalking is still illegal. I know very well Xander isn't looking to trade, has never encouraged your client, and has downright refused your client in the past. If he's spying on him, then that's stalking. Not even a crooked judge would allow that." The lawyer looked confused. "Yeah, some of us do work in the law too," he said smugly. "Boys, arrest his pussbag on stalking charges and then get his client to arrest too."
"He's not human," one pointed out weakly.
"It's that or Wolfe has to get him."
"We like arresting them better than seeing them chopped up," that one decided, coming over to arrest him.
Danny called Adam, who knew lawyers. Adam was out of town but promised to call one. A few minutes later, Wade called with a name and phone number. "I love how that works." He called them and explained what was going on. It was even a poker buddy, how sweet. They knew alllll about Xander. The lawyer came over to get the forms on his day off.
"We hate Wolfram and Hart," he said smugly.
"They're behind a bunch of the bad shit in LA," Danny offered. "Plus human sacrifices, jury tampering, judge killing...."
"Even sweeter. Thank you, Detective Messer. What is Xander taking lessons in? We've heard rumors."
"Belly dancing and pole dancing for a holiday present and new workout. He even gave the teacher free rent for teaching them for a bit."
He nodded. "We had heard he was giving a former stripper a place to live." He walked off. That story was going to make a lot of people happy with Xander. They had been less than pleased with him putting a stripper up like she was his mistress. Now they knew it was a goofy Xander plan. His assistant had seen it the night Xander had danced to capture those Mala Noche so the image of him belly dancing made him drift off to happy dreams after an explosive orgasm he hadn't been planning to have. Yes, that was something that was going to make people a lot happier with Xander again.
They even got to call Wade to see if he knew about Wolfram and Hart. Fortunately he had been scouting bad people for Xander to ruin so he knew a lot.
That would help suing them tons.
Xander got walked into a courtroom a few days later by Wade. "Someone wanted to see me?" he asked his poker buddy.
"Yes, Xander." He pointed. "We need some testimony."
"Sure." He walked up and got sworn in then sat down. "What's going on?"
"You were not informed that there was a lawsuit on your behalf?" the judge asked him.
Xander shrugged. "I'm not often told that stuff unless it's going to impact my daily life, Your Honor."
"I have keepers for that." The judge gaped so he grinned. "Unless it's going to bother me I don't usually pay much attention to it really."
"I see. I've heard rumors." Xander grinned and nodded. "Very well. A lawsuit has been filed on your behalf because a suit was started to sue you for mental damage."
Xander frowned. "Who did I ruin this time?"
"Someone spied on you while you were practicing your belly dancing classes," his poker buddy said. "They sued you for making them miserable. We're suing them back for emotional distress over this and gotten them on criminal stalking charges."
"Fuck, another one?" Xander demanded. "How many more people want me that can't have me?" He sulked, frowning at the judge. "No, this isn't the first one. It's an ongoing problem."
"That one, yes it is." He smiled, walking over some papers. "Do you know this law firm?"
Xander looked. "Wolfram and Hart. Yeah. They're behind a lot of bad shit in LA. I have friends there who've had to defend against them. I know locally they were planning on killing one of their own lawyers so they could get his wife. They were going to use her as a reward for good lawyers and a treat for new clients." The judge moaned. He looked at him. "Marian Hargret."
"I know of her husband," he sighed. "You are like her?" Xander nodded. "Higher or lower?"
"Higher." He looked at the information. "That one I've sent off at least six other times." He looked at his poker buddy. "He's the reason that I got a ruby shower when we first moved to Miami and were having dinner with Danny and Don's new coworkers at the lab. It upset Horatio greatly and made me throw a tantrum that nearly got some of his kin dead."
"So this has been ongoing and you're upset with him?"
"If he was here in front of me, I'd take him apart at the molecules. I've tried before but he managed to evade me the time I got the sword after he had kidnaped me. For that matter, the man tried to castrate me."
"Ow," his poker buddy said. "I heard about that." Xander nodded he had told him. "So you've tried to discourage him?"
"It just...it sucks and it hurts my relationship and it sucks personally because I don't want them. It's like I'm some sort of piece of art that they want to screw. They don't want *me* they want the status of having me and sleeping with me. If they had wanted *me* they would've dated me. Instead they send gifts, they take me, they try to enact little plans so I have to come to them to get things fixed. A few years back one got access into my account and canceled all my credit cards plus locked my accounts. It royally sucks ass."
"It does," he agreed. "Have you physically told him no?"
"Multiple times. In person and not, while tied down, while chasing after him with a sword, after he sent me gaudy shit out the ass in New York."
"Was he the reason you left New York?"
"No, New York was full of problems for all of us. We left New York as a mutual decision but he was one I was hoping to leave up there."
"So you in no way want this person?"
"Beyond dead? No."
"Were you aware he had been spying on you?"
"It doesn't shock me any. I've found out others have managed to. Even with the house's security, the fences, the community guards, we've still had people spying on me."
"What have you done with the gifts he's sent?" the judge asked.
"When he wouldn't take them back I sold them. Not like I want them. A few may be in the emergency fund I keep but otherwise I have a warehouse storage area where any and all presents are to be sent. I check it for living things every now and then but otherwise I don't care what's in there. I leave it there so they can take it back. If they don't, I report it to the IRS as I'm supposed to and sell it."
"How much has that netted you?" the judge asked.
Xander shrugged. "I don't understand money all that well. Wade? He's kinda my assistant."
"This year's is worth about six mil, Your Honor. A lot of it's priceless books, some clothes, some jewelry. Another mummy that got given to the local museum."
"One year someone sent me two mummies, one decorated with jewels, and a tiger cub," Xander told him. "I'm told she's very happy at the zoo. Another time, someone sent me an eight-foot tall chocolate vagina and a six-foot tall white chocolate sex toy. Plus Cartier diamonds. I went to bed with a headache that night." He found the picture and held it up for him to see. "I carry it because I like telling that story to break the ice with new friends."
"Oh. My," the judge said. "It is."
"Yes, sir, it was," Xander said, putting the picture back and his wallet back in his pocket. When it fell out the bailiff handed it back, earning a smile. "Thank you." He put it into his front pocket instead. It wouldn't fit so he tossed it at Wade, who caught it and put it into his jacket pocket. "I try very hard to get them to take things back. I have my boys, why do I need anyone else? They're wonderful to me."
"I've heard stories about backed up hormones and possibly needing more?" the judge asked delicately.
Xander nodded. "Now and then it happens. We worked out an approved play list for when and if it happens. Including some very close friends of the family who they like to send whenever I'm kidnaped."
"That's fine." He made note of that. "So you don't encourage it?"
"I'm fairly certain that since breathing encourages them and even me ranting and attacking them won't discourage them, there's nothing I can do really. I accept it with ill grace. I complain to those who know. Then I sulk with ice cream."
The judge nodded. "That sounds reasonable if you can't stop them."
"How many do you currently have?" his poker buddy asked.
"Something the other day showed six but I'm hoping I discouraged two who weren't all that seriously stuck on me."
"Is this one part of that six?" he asked.
"No. I thought he gave up years ago. Before we moved to the new house."
The poker buddy nodded. "That's been almost three years now, Your Honor. Three years of stalking." Wade handed him his PDA so he looked at it. "He gave him a what?" Wade nodded. "We're sure it was him?"
"It was his name on the tag."
The poker buddy walked up to Xander, letting him see it. "Did you ever see this one?"
Xander looked. "Why did someone put emeralds on a bazooka?" he asked, looking confused. "That's tacky. The casing is meant to be discarded after use."
"You know artillery?" the judge asked. Xander smiled but nodded. "How?"
"My life before my hormones acted up."
"Ah." He nodded once, taking the entry and picture to look at. "I agree, that's tacky. When did that appear?"
"By the tag, March. It's in the present warehouse," Wade said. He stood up. "I'm nominally in charge of the inventory of that thing, Your Honor."
He looked at him. "How many others from him?"
"Page down. That's almost the most tacky."
He paged down, groaning. "Is that a saddle?"
"Did it fit Pride or one of the others?" Xander asked.
"It wouldn't fit the foal, kid. It was a human saddle."
"I like riding horses, not people," Xander said. He took it to look over, finding the truly tacky thing. "Eww." He handed it back. "Did you give that one to Alexx?"
"Oh, yes. She cackled long and hard and got drunk that night."
"Alexx...Woods? The ME?" the judge asked. Wade nodded. "Nice choice. She knows of this problem?"
"Yes, sir. The whole felony lab does. Horatio is one of Xander's mentors who keeps him calm and helps him when there's relationship problems."
"Wonderful." He handed the PDA back. It got shown to the defense attorney, who shuddered. "Is there any cross examinations?"
The Wolfram and Hart lawyer stood up. "Mr. Harris, how do you know the LA team?"
"I used to hunt beside Buffy. I'm *that* Xander." He smirked. "Also I used to date Cordelia, taunt Angel, and ignored Wes a good few times." The man gaped. "I know, the hair throws everyone. It used to be shorter back then. One of the kidnapers grew it on me and I decided I liked it. It gives me a lot of options for hiding weapons and playing with my boys."
The lawyer looked him up on his computer then blanched, looking at him. "We have no further questions, Your Honor. My law firm lists him as ' do not annoy'." Xander smirked. "That client will leave you alone if we can."
"Thank you." He looked at the judge.
"Dismissed, Mr. Harris. Have a nice afternoon."
"You too," he said happily, bouncing out. Wade followed him. Xander grinned at Wade. "That was nice of them."
"Why are you DNB to them?" Wade asked once they were outside.
"I've had to rescue myself a few times in a way that included destruction of a few realms." He slid on his sunglasses and smiled. "I'm told they're not happy that I took out something like thirty-five realms and seventeen ruling clans."
Wade gaped. "Wow."
"Yeah. But they fucked with me." He shrugged. "If that fucker hadn't been made of wind I would've gotten him too. I blew up his palace once with Sam because he had Dean hostage."
"Good." He walked the kid off. "What do you want to do about that emerald monstrosity?"
"We can do that. Or Mac. They're having the easier day."
"Horatio could probably use the laugh." He grinned. "I say we go to Fu's liberate a poker debt bag, take it to totally blow on lunch for the lab, station, and whoever else can drop by, use some of it to buy each of the other precincts a gift card to somewhere near them, and then you can talk to Horatio about how he wants to handle the new stuff I got given." He grinned. "Then after lunch Anya wanted to go shoe shopping. I thought I'd spare you that."
"Thanks, kid. That's real helpful. Since we have the SUV we can bring them with us."
"Okay." They went to do that. An hour later Xander walked up to where the commissioner was holding a press conference, handing him the stack of cards. "Because I haven't gotten to spoil any of the other officers in this city with lunch in a while," he said with a grin when the Commissioner glared at him.
"They deserve the good lunch. They do a lot of very hard work keeping me and others safe. This way you can hand them out to each precinct. I think I got them all. If not, let me know and I'll cook for them because they deserve it. There should be enough in there for all the fire and ambulance stations too. They deserve the thanks." He walked off, avoiding the reporters. "Eww, your flashbulb is going to give me wrinkles," he complained. "Move!" She got out of his way. "Thank you. Don't you agree they deserve it?"
"I do," she agreed. "Thank you, Mr. Harris."
Xander smiled. "I love the department. My boys are in it." He went back to the SUV and drove off.
"Sir, are you going to give those over today?" one shouted.
"I'll have to check and make sure that's legal. We do have a no present rule," he said dryly.
The mayor came out to look at the stack, then walked them off. "City Council heard and said it's fine, Phil. Thank him for us. We love how he spoils the departments so much for helping protect the city and him." He smiled at the press. "They'll be delivered either today or tomorrow." He went back inside. His assistant could have a long lunch delivering them. That was very good press on their department. Caine would love that even though his wasn't going to get one since Harris cooked for them directly.
Horatio looked up when Wade walked up to him with the box. "Lunch?" he asked hopefully.
"That'll work too." He paged everyone and got them signed in. Xander walked in with the other box. "Thank you, Xander."
"You're welcome." They walked into the lab. "Parsons, tell people I have more in the car but not to touch it because I'm also carrying tacky presents that we have to talk about," he called, spotting an officer he knew.
"How tacky?" Horatio asked. "Like the one Alexx got?"
"We can bring those up last," Wade assured him. He got the other officers staring at the SUV, mostly drooling ones, to help carry the rest of the stuff inside. He carried in the other box of food. That went to the patrol commander. Xander had marked them. The officers dropped the cases in the lunch room then went to get food.
Horatio looked at the cases, then went back to handing things over. "How bad is tacky?" he asked once he had taken a bag.
Wade walked over and kicked open an unsealed box, showing him the human skull covered in pink diamonds, with red lips from rubies and blue eyes from sapphires.
Horatio took another bite, nodding. "That is definitely tacky, yes." He took another bite. "I see artillery?"
"It's just as tacky. That's why it went to the present warehouse instead of the weapons one," Xander said happily. Don strolled in with his lunch, getting a kiss. "I got gift cards for the other stations out of the poker money."
"They'll appreciate that a lot," he assured him, sitting down. He stared at the open box. "Any idea if there was a body attached?"
"It's real," Wade admitted. "I have no idea if they were killed in Miami or not, but it's real."
"It's definitely not part of the one Alexx got," Speed said, getting up to look closer. "Aww, they gave us a tag with the name." He went to look it up then came back a minute later. "You know that serial guy in the next county? They were wondering where his head was."
"They can take off all those stones then," Horatio decided. He dug into his chips. The other things they could look over and figure out how to handle after they ate. Mac and Calleigh were already conspiring by text since some of it clearly were weapons. Calleigh finally finished lunch and went to look at them. Horatio looked at her gasp, giving it an odd look. "Is that... that appears to be a bazooka, Calleigh?"
She pulled it out to show him. "Covered in camouflage stones."
Wade nodded with a smirk. "I tested one. They're different shades of emeralds. The other is in sand colored stones but I'm not sure what they are." She looked and whimpered, sending that to Mac. He promised he'd be there in a few minutes. "I suggested we go see Mac since you guys had that bad case this morning."
"No, this is a very nice bit of stress relief, Wade," she said, sitting down again. She sighed. "Do we have to strip off the stones before we destroy them, Horatio?"
"I'm not sure they'd burn," he admitted. "I'll talk with Mac and Gibbs about that." They all nodded. Xander hugged him. "Thank you, Xander. You're very good to us."
Xander kissed him on the cheek then moved closer to his ear. "Do you think I should do a full veil and everything on their present?" he hissed then pulled back.
"I think that gave me mental images Speed will have to work for hours to cure," he admitted. "Though they may like that." Xander grinned at him.
"If that's about our holiday present, we're doing it on the fifteenth, Xander," Danny ordered. "We've already gotten the next few days off so we can recuperate."
Xander grinned. "I can plan that. Though I was thinking about maybe a weekend away with Jace after Christmas?"
"That's doable. We should have a few days off in there, maybe not a weekend but together." Xander beamed and nodded.
"Steve's planning on going back to Cascade for a few months," Wade told them. That got a mass nod. They could handle that. "He said he's doing some shifting first for security reasons."
"I'll make sure we have everything we need," Don promised. Wade smiled and nodded.
Danny walked over to look at the other ones. "Diamonds must be like candy on some realms." He held up a diamond covered dildo. "I think that'd hurt."
"I think it'd hurt too," Xander agreed. "Without the stones I think it's one we might have. Anya can have that one."
Wade nodded. "She might appreciate that." He took the box and put it beside him. Mac walked in to look at the weapons.
Calleigh looked over at Wade. "Someone told you about the harem thoughts?"
He looked at Xander. Who shrugged. "You're probably already included. Anyone that helps me, like guards or Steve or anyone close to the family like Horatio and Speed are, is considered the harem of the family's head."
"Which is him," Mac said. "They even got me and he only gave me one present to help me relax."
"So if they gift some of us to get you to consider them," DC, the AV tech, said.
"Hand it back," Horatio ordered. "If you can't, I have a form." That got a nod. "Have you?"
"I had an extra bag of chips I didn't realize I had packed yesterday but I'm not sure," he admitted.
"We'll keep an eye on it," Speed assured him. DC grinned.
"Mac, do you think we have to strip those?" Horatio asked.
"Probably." He looked over. "Have we looked in the other boxes?" He carried over the unopened boxes. One was full of snakes. Baby snakes but still snakes.
Xander looked. "That's going to be really hard to smoosh all those."
"We'll see if the zoo wants them," Horatio said. That got put aside since they were sedated. He texted Clay's phone to let him know that they were looking over some truly tacky presents at the lab. That he might need Cougar's help to field strip some artillery. Clay sent back they could have him tomorrow. He sent back a 'thank you'. "We'll strip those tomorrow." The next few boxes had things that made everyone stare at them oddly.
"Artwork?" Xander suggested.
"I think so," Speed admitted. "But I don't want to touch it." They all agreed on that and they got reboxed. Then the last three got opened. Calleigh moaned at the sight of one. Wade grinned at her so she popped him on the arm. "Dean used to like to bring the hand-overs after the inventory because she used to squeal and bounce," Speed told Wade.
"She's a beautiful woman. Most straight guys would enjoy watching her do that." She blushed and hit him again. He pulled out one last one and slid it down to Speed. "That had your name on it."
"What does it go to?" Speed asked when he saw the key.
"I can't figure that out. There's nothing noticeably needing keys in the warehouse. I can't find that they rented another one. I have no idea."
"Okay, so anything we find like that, we'll try the key. I'll feel like Prince Charming but...." Horatio took it with a smile. "Thanks."
"Welcome." He looked at it. "It is... not a car key." Speed compared his bike's keys. "It's too thick."
Wade shrugged. "No clue."
"Maybe Tony would know. He's a car guy," Xander offered.
Horatio took that picture and sent it to him with a message. What he got back amused him. He cleared his throat. "He knows what it goes to." He looked at his husband, showing it to him.
"Oh, my God," Speed said in awe. "Someone gave me a jet."
"Like Lear?" Ryan asked.
"No, like *jet*!" he said, showing it to him. "No weapons but a jet jet."
Xander looked at Horatio. "Have they made sure it was legal to own one?"
"I do not know. We're going to talk to them this weekend. Gibbs can come look over the inventory for us."
"Nothing new in the artillery side." Xander looked at him. "You cooed over it," he reminded him.
"He'll spank me if I get too attached."
"Anything beyond building destroying size has to go, even if I do coo. Unless it's stuff I had from Sunnydale."
Wade nodded. "Then you've got another few things to pick up, Calleigh."
She stared, then whimpered. "Gibbs?"
"If you want we can."
"Present tech weapons?"
He nodded. "Mostly. One's a very nice future tech weapon."
"Gibbs," she sighed. "We'll come pet them."
"Fine. Gibbs and I can switch places this weekend," Horatio said. Speed looked at him. "And you of course. It's your jet. I'm sure you want to sit in it." He texted that back to Gibbs, who agreed that would be fine.
"Don't let me have a Top Gun flashback?" Speed asked. Xander snickered. "I like speed. A lot. That's how I got the name."
"We know, dear," Horatio said, patting him on the hand. "Calleigh, you can have Cougar's help tomorrow stripping those."
Mac looked at him. "Did you tell Gibbs about that?"
"Tomorrow is Friday so I'll let him see." That got a nod. "It'll probably take all day to pry them off."
"They're in silver backed settings and the settings look soldered or welded on," Mac told him, letting him see it closer by bringing it over.
The Police Commissioner stomped in. "What are those?"
"Tack presents someone gave me," Xander said with a smile. "We brought them so the family can decide what I'm doing about them."
"That one I hope we're destroying, Harris!"
"We are," Horatio assured him. "But first we have to strip the gems off it, sir. They won't burn."
He looked and shuddered. "Who decorates bazookas with gemstones? It looks girly." He glared at Xander.
"I didn't bedazzle it. It was a present. I like bazookas." The commissioner went pale. "Is there a problem? We brought lunch for the meeting. The lab had a really bad case today and an officer in the local station was shot, sir."
"No," he growled. "That was embarrassing."
"Wade said it'd be good press. You could smile, say thank you, and praise the PD."
Wade nodded. "Most of the ones I know of would've. It's the political thing to do." He stomped off. Wade waved with a smirk.
"Xander, I know that he doesn't like your habit of cooking for us, but please don't drive him too insane," Horatio said quietly. "The next person is a bigot and very bad for us."
"Is he the guy that eaten by the shark last night when he was trying to dump his girlfriend's body?" Wade asked.
"No, that was Herms. Something like that," Xander told him. "This one is the jack booted Nazi thug. Literally."
"Oh, yeah, swastika guy." He nodded. "He actually wears a pin of it on his collar."
"No one's ever figured out what that one was," Horatio said.
Wade smirked. "I did some training against hate groups back in the day. I know which group he got it from. Most of them are in jail for illegal activities and murder."
"Ah," Horatio said. "Too bad we can't get him."
"I'm not sure if the FBI would have anything on him or not," Xander sighed.
"They have to pass background checks, kid."
"Pity. Can we lock them in a room with that one screaming guy?"
Wade smirked. "That's nearly evil. I like that idea. We'll invite him so it's not illegal." Xander grinned at him.
"No evil thoughts," Danny said firmly. "Evil thoughts wear Don out and then I have ta spank."
"Yes, Danny." He kissed him on the cheek. "You're so fierce," he cooed, making Danny shake his head. He and Wade left to go play poker.
Danny shook his head, looking at Don, who shrugged. "You are sometimes," Don agreed. Danny swatted him, cleaning up his mess and getting back to work. Don grinned. "I left Frank's in his desk."
"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Speed said. Don went back to his own desk. Ray and Adam were eating at his. They just smiled at him. Speed looked at the tacky things then at Calleigh. "We're borrowing your locking cage."
"Of course you are." They took everything in there and she and Mac notated the weapons. The pictures came out wonderfully. They did mention they were going to undazzle the poor things. Poor artillery, having gemstones.
Horatio walked the case with the skull into the next county's morgue, smiling at the receptionist. "I have a head you're missing."
"That's fine, Lieutenant Caine. Let me sign you in. Which ME?"
"Ledgers." She nodded and gave him the visitor's pass. She smiled at his back, he was always so nice.
Horatio walked into the morgue. "Doctor Ledgers."
"Horatio." He shook his hand. "Is that our missing head?"
"Yes, though I must warn you someone gave it to another as a present."
"All right. So it's in bad shape?"
"It's in... a difficult shape. You will not be happy."
"I'm sure I won't. Did the present giver get sick?"
Horatio put the case on an empty table and let him open it.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" he shouted.
"Exactly," Horatio said. He pointed at the tag. "That was included to identify it."
He looked then whimpered. "Who has this bad of taste?"
"I do not know," Horatio said. "We are not sure how you can get them off without breaking the bones either." He put back on his sunglasses. "Alexx wished you much luck."
"I think I'm going to need it." He looked. "They built up the lips and features by thickening the settings and solder." He sighed but Horatio had left. He called his people in to look it over. "Don't ask. Someone received it as a present. It was identified as our headless serial killer's head but I can't be sure. We'll have to remodel the face to see." They all nodded and took it to look over.
"This is sick," one of the female ones said. "Seriously sick."
"Which is why we have to figure out how to remove the stones without breaking the bones."
"Someone call DC and their bone people?" one suggested. "I heard they had one covered in silver." That got a nod and they went to handle that. Doctor Ledgers had a headache for dinner. It did not amuse him in the least. The next time he saw Horatio and he said it was 'difficult' he knew to expect a real challenge that would kill his poor brain.
Clay walked into the lab the next morning with Cougar and Pooch. "Can we help too?"
"It's going to be a lot of prying," she warned. They shrugged so she led them back to her lab and pulled out the two bazookas.
Clay stared. "Clearly someone was smoking the wrong thing."
"Presents to Xander?" Pooch guessed.
Cougar was muttering a prayer to God for strength from the tackiness. He'd have to shoot whoever had defiled a weapon that way.
"We had a tacky present summit yesterday for lunch," she said with a smile. "Doctor Ledgers in the next county's morgue is trying to figure out how to pry pink gems off a human skull today."
Clay looked at her. "Pink?"
"All around flesh colored."
"Ah." He shuddered. "We've seen some sick shit, but that's bad." She nodded. "So we have to pry these off?"
"They won't burn."
"They're being destroyed?" Pooch asked. She nodded. "Can we just saw them off?"
"No, I tried. That's not regular silver or lead solder."
Cougar pulled out a knife and pried one off, looking at it. She smiled and took it to run the chemical composition of the solder.
"HCL," Clay offered. "Since it's going to be destroyed anyway."
"Could do the gems," Pooch said.
"So? Xander won't care."
"True." They got a bottle of it from her. Pooch weakened the bonds between the stones and then Clay or Cougar pried them off. She came back to show them. The silver was something else. That still helped. When Gibbs got there they were on the second one.
He stared. "That's almost as bad as the jet that someone gave Speed." She smiled at him.
"Speed would enjoy the jet more than Xander would the sparkly artillery," Clay said. "Though it was nice one was in camo green and the other's in camo brown." Gibbs walked off shuddering. "Wade and Xander are finishing up this month's inventory, Gibbs."
"Thank you." He drove over there, walking in and finding stacks waiting on him. "Are any of these sparkly?"
"Only a dagger," Wade said, holding it up. "It's balanced very nicely. They even accounted for the extra stone weight."
Gibbs looked at the bedecked survival blade. "Who in the hell?"
"I'm giving it to Roque as a present. He likes knives," Xander said with a grin.
Wade looked at him. "I'll make sure he doesn't use it on you." Xander smirked at him. "All that," he said with a point at one stack. "Are military weapons. Current tech. All the others.... I'm not sure who they belong to outside of China, Iran, and Russia."
"Ah," Gibbs said weakly. "Damn it."
"Basically," Wade agreed. "I let him keep the Israeli things since we're allies." He smiled.
"Not if they're over his limit."
"Damn," Xander pouted.
"Sorry, kid," Wade said. They pulled those three and another thing out. "UK."
Gibbs looked and had to stomp on the hysterical laughter reaction he wanted to have. "Let me get trucks here." He called Wolfe so the lab could get him someone. If he called directly they'd try to claim everything else. Then the kid would get kidnaped, make another mess, and then have to buy more. The local NCIS officer showed up. "This is Mr. Harris's warehouse."
"ATF told me about that," he admitted. "Mr. Harris," he said, nodding at Wade. Who pointed. He looked at him. Xander smirked and waved. "I expected you to be tougher by the stories, sir. What's all this?"
"This," Wade said with a point at the stuff in front of them. "Before the yellow line, is current military issue of someone."
"Oh, joy," he sighed. He looked them over. The crime lab had sent a truck so they got to load it. The last one made him pause. "Isn't that UK?" Gibbs nodded. "Huh. That's experimental. They're going to be thrilled."
"I need to destroy or figure out if the US stuff is stolen," Gibbs ordered.
"I can handle that. The rest?"
"I have a Mossad agent on my team so I guess I can get her to call her counterparts with the director."
"Must suck wide being in DC, Agent Gibbs. I'm so glad I'm down here most of the time. Even when we have a demon eating someone on base last night." Xander stared at him. "We shot it already, don't worry about it."
Xander walked over to write down his name and number, plus Sam's. "The hunters I know locally."
"Thank you, sir." He left with Gibbs and the weapons to look them over. His weekend was going to be lively and awkward. Joy!
Wade watched Xander wrap up the knife in a pretty box and put a bow on it. "Are you hoping they gift him?"
Xander smiled. "He has helped me a few times."
Wade stifled a smirk and a cackle. That was so evil! Roque versus demons! "What about Clay?"
"He's already had a few he growled at."
"Sure." They left, making sure the warehouse was locked up. They found Roque at one of the poker halls eating dinner.
Xander leaned on his arm. "Thank you for helping me with things."
"Welcome, kid," he said gruffly. "Get off?" Xander put down the package and left. Roque stared at it. "At least it's not explosives," he muttered. The others in the poker circuit were watching. "I helped him a few times." He opened it and stared. An eye twitch started. "That's just so wrong," he complained. "Even Jensen couldn't make that sound right it's so wrong."
Andrea, a female assassin in the circle, looked over his shoulder. "Aww, someone gave him that last month I think. It suits you, Roque. You like knives." She picked it up. "Well balanced for fighting or throwing." She handed it back with a smile. "He must really appreciate you to give you that one instead of one of the more common ones he's been given." She strolled off to the game. She could see Xander's subtle evil mind in action in that gift. Clearly, Roque was still pissing Clay off.
Roque paid his tab and put it back in the box before walking off shaking his head. He went to complain to Clay. Maybe he could stop the kid. Clay was smoking on the roof of their building. "Has the kid given you any thank you presents?" he demanded.
"No. He cooks us dinner instead." He looked at him. "I have a headache."
"What? No pretty girls tonight?" he sneered.
"Someone gave Xander two bazookas covered in camo-patterned and colored gems."
Roque shook his head quickly. "Excuse me?"
"Yup." He took another drag and then let it out slowly. "Even Cougar was mumbling about bad taste. One desert and one jungle." He looked at him. "What did you get?" He held up the knife with two fingers. "It's pretty. Take it on trips, you can use them for cash and keep the knife."
"Yeah," Clay agreed. "Slightly. Better than the pink diamond skull someone gave him though."
Roque gaped. "That's sick."
"Kinda." A demon appeared and they both had guns in their hands before it could speak. "What?" he growled, glaring at him.
He smiled at Roque. "The pretty one admires you for helping him. Thank you." He smiled and handed him something else. He handed something to Clay. "For the headache." He disappeared before they could shoot him.
Roque looked then took the weed from Clay's hand, handing him the other one and stomping off. He didn't want to know.
Clay looked in that box. "That's better than pot any day." He took the Cuban cigars downstairs to put up. He went to call Jensen to warn him the demons were thanking them for helping the kid. Before he lost his mind about this. Maybe they should've taken the Paris retrieval team job. Even with all the French there.
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