Note: I could not find any mention of the names for Pooch's son, Jensen's sister, or niece. So they're Junior, Jess, and Julie.
More Jensens in Miami.
Clay called Jensen. "Where the hell are you?"
"I'm nearly at the airport in Hartford. If the fucking idiots in front of me would move, I'd be there in five minutes and then load up on treats to eat on the plane ride home, Clay. Unfortunately it looks like there's a wreck in front of me and absolute idiots who I'm clearly going to have to shoot so I can get to the airport. How has your day been?" he quipped. Clay winced at the sound of the honk. Then the yell. "Fucking move your slow ass before I shoot it!" he bellowed. The cars in front of him clearly moved. "Ah, better. Nearly there. Then an hour until it leaves then about four until I'm down there."
"Good, when you get here, help Xander dig through the new tacky crap. They've been going into overdrive and even gave Wade a headache. Since you're used to geek things, tacky things shouldn't be too far off."
"Fine. Anything too artillery like because my sister and niece are with me."
"Yup but they'll enjoy it and it'll give Xander something else to do. Though I'd probably warn him so he puts on clothes." He hung up and went back to the gym. "Jensen's about at the airport to fly back down.
"Gracias, madre de dios (Thank you, Mother of God)," Cougar muttered, looking up. He had spent last night helping Xander get unburied when Don called and said that they needed help lifting things.
"Can't we just shoot them all?" Jolene asked.
Clay shook his head. "Not from what I'm told. Even after Xander destroyed some of them they're still doing it."
"Can we at least shoot the present ones?" Pooch asked. "That would be protecting him."
"If you can find 'em," Clay ordered. "Then I don't mind." They all smirked at him for that.
"God damn it!" Aisha yelled. "Clay!"
"Gym," he called. She stomped in there carrying a bag and a box. "Shopping?"
"Fucking demons! I don't even like the kid that much!"
Jolene looked in the dress bag then shook her head. "That would look bad on you anyway," she assured her. "Someone has bad taste."
"Probably the one who put the gems on the bazooka tubes," Clay told her. Jolene shuddered.
Aisha gave him an odd look. "They did what?"
"He got one in jungle and one in desert camo colors." She dropped things, staring at him. He smirked. "He gave Roque a pretty, bejeweled survival knife for his help the last few times."
She shuddered. "Eww." She picked up the box and handed it over. "I got sent that."
He looked inside then at her. "Why would they send you baby snakes?"
"Some of the ones in the tacky present summit were," Jolene said. "Calleigh complained that they were giving him snakes."
"Ah." He handed them to Pooch, who went to set them on fire. They didn't like snakes.
Dean strolled in looking amused. "Aisha, those weren't for you. One of them popped down into our backseat and told Sammy it was for Jolene since she's the wife of one his protectors."
"Did your brother shoot it?" Clay asked.
"When you ask that you *really* sound like Dad," he complained. "But yes, we did. I have to clean a hell of a mess out of my car. Anyone have any windex? I know Xander doesn't. His housekeeper uses the extra lemons." Jolene took him to get him some cleaning stuff because she knew men didn't know how to clean.
"There, solved," Clay said smugly. She punched at him but he ducked, laughing. "They know you don't like the boy. They just thought you'd make a good delivery person."
"Whatever. How long will this phase go on?"
"Until Xander goes and destroys more of them," Sam said from the doorway. "Considering Wade just stopped him from taking some of the artillery in the warehouse to a demon realm.... Could be next week." She growled. "We can help you get there if you want," he offered.
"Not cute," Clay warned.
"Sorry but hey, they'd respect a girl kicking butt. They respect slayers." He shrugged. "Also, the baby snakes are from a snake clan. They consider them a holy symbol. Xander had me look them up. I did speak to one of their people, who I reminded that humans didn't like snakes. They bite us and creeped us out. He's pouty. But... I think Dean and I need a contact to get rid of things too now."
"That big?" Clay asked. Sam pulled out something and held it up. "Shit, that's a grenade."
"It's actually a sonic grenade by the tag." He tossed it over. Then he went back to lounging in the doorway. Pooch poked him so he got out of his way. "Did it take them back?"
"They consider them holy."
"I consider them dangerous and nasty." He sat down on the weight bench. "Pretty. What is it?"
"Sonic grenade," Clay said, reading the tag. "Huh. Why give it to you, Sam?"
"Because they gave Dean some massive hardware that's making our trunk ride low. I figure that might come in handy some day but that's the fifth one we have."
He looked up. "Hand it over?"
"I'm not sure Calleigh can handle that. I'm guessing they're military. Gibbs is out of the country with his team or else I'd talk to him."
"The NCIS guy on the base down the road worked with him last time."
Sam smiled. "Thanks. Can you come see if this other stuff should be his or not?"
"Gladly. Miami doesn't need that much artillery." He walked out to look in the trunk, groaning at what he saw. "Damn."
"Yup." Sam grinned at him. "Underneath is ours but that's all the new stuff Dean got because he likes weapons more. I got a lot of very old texts on demon lore, demon species, and even one of demon romance stories through the ages."
Clay shook his head. "Yeah, we can call someone. Shut the trunk before someone else sees." He called it in. With their luck, an officer pulled up. Clay pulled out his ID. "He's gotten them as a present. I'm calling the correct person to handle it since they're all military weapons." He smiled at the man answering. "Agent Rudd, Clay with the Miami team. The Winchesters got given some heavy artillery they want to talk to you about. My building, yes." He hung up. "He'll be right here."
"They might take it back," Dean offered from inside the car, cleaning the back window.
"I don't think so since I shot him," Sam said. He looked at Clay. "We didn't want to tell Xander. He'd go off."
"He's about to on the people giving him so much now."
"Good!" He looked at the officer, grinning. "Hi. How are you?"
"You're GHS, sir?"
"Yes, only Xander has the long hair." The officer smirked at that. "I am, midlevel. It's just that someone really likes us and knows we really like shotguns."
"Ah." He nodded. The trunk twinkled and they looked again. Now they had more guns and a few less pieces of hardware, plus one less sonic grenade. And a nice note saying 'thank you, Xander'. "Is that the same Xander?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah," Clay agreed. "He's apparently going to scare off the present givers."
"He's destroyed whole realms that wanted to keep him," Sam told him with a grin. "They all still think he's the perfect concubine. He's taken out seventeen ruling families for wanting him." The officer shuddered. "Yeah, so we're going to hand this to an NCIS guy."
"I can wait until he gets here, sir." He called his boss directly to tell him then dispatch to say he had been flagged down. That got him off the hook. He looked at Clay. "What does it take to be a retrieval team member? My brother's a Ranger."
"That's a good start. Most often it's like quiet hostage retrieval." That got a nod. "I know the guys who overall team go commando experience first, but they do need people with tech ops and other skills."
"He's just a plain Ranger."
"Nothing against that," Clay assured him. "He also needs to be able to see the amusement in the absurd things like this sometimes."
"Someone gave Xander a bazooka covered in emeralds for camo," Sam agreed. The officer snickered, shaking his head. "Seriously."
"Basically they're good people for the most part. None of them really want all this but they can't do anything about it. There's still some danger. We were on one and got gassed, stabbed, shot at, and one of my guys got a cactus thrown in his lap. We might see more action now than we used to."
"Is that because of Mr. Harris?"
"No, Xander tends to save himself."
"Do all the cities have a team?"
"The cities with major populations. If he wants to talk to them, they're all at the conventions. There's also usually a few agents there if he wants to talk to them. I know some FBI agents, some ATF agents, and people like the BAU know. Show up at a convention and ask to talk to one of them."
"I can tell him that. Thank you." A subtle black sedan pulled up and a trim Asian guy got out. "NCIS?"
"No, actually I'm JAG. I came to talk to your Spec Tech Ops person, Colonel."
"He's on his way back from his sister's place with them. I've already told him to appear at Xander's to help him."
"His flight leaves in an hour from Hartford."
"Okay, I can find him about then."
"Is it an issue?" Clay asked. "I can call him if it's something massive."
"No, we need him to crack some files against a child predator. None of the ones on staff can, neither can one of the FBI people. I'd ask McGee before him but the whole team is in Israel."
"I heard. Can it wait until later tonight?"
"Yes. He's in custody. Preliminary hearing isn't for a week."
"Then I'll have him get in touch with you." The man smiled and handed over his card then left them alone.
"I was thinking next round I might try military service. It has to be easier than hunting," Sam muttered.
Clay smirked. "That all depends on what you're doing."
"Good point." He grinned at the guy pulling up. "NCIS?"
"Oh, yes. I know about you both, Mr. Winchester." He got out and came over to look, whistling. "That's pretty." Clay held up the sonic grenade. "Very pretty. Why did Mr. Harris steal some?"
"He's going to discourage the people who sent him things," Clay said.
The officer shook his head. "Is he going to dance for them?"
Sam smirked. "That would draw more, not less, and Xander is actually highly trained to deal with these sort of things. His life before his hormones was all danger and hunting." The officer shuddered, going back on route. He smiled at the agent. "We shot the demon who did it. That's why Dean's cleaning."
"We appreciate that. Was he military?"
"Not in a uniform," Sam offered. "I have his picture but if he was wearing a human face there's no telling.'
Clay looked at the picture too. "We've seen a bunch of them recently. So maybe it's a clan thing."
"Maybe," Sam admitted. "Most of them are still convinced some day I'll be the Antichrist for them. Lead a demon army, all that. It's not in my plans but you know how they get wind of a stupid prophecy and believe it even if it's beaten."
The NCIS officer held up a hand. "I don't need to know that much, Mr. Winchester." Dean cackled. He looked at Clay. "Are they allowed to keep any?"
"Three of the grenades in case." That got a nod and they lifted out all the new toys. The boys' toys and weapons were hidden, which Clay appreciated. Sam shut the trunk and waved. Clay nodded and the guy drove off to make a report and turn those in. Sam reopened the trunk once he was out of sight to put them into the weapons storage area.
Clay looked. "Sweet." He went back inside to the gym. It was team PT day. Since they were all in Miami except Jensen.
Jensen, his sister, and his niece came off the plane together. "A lot of snowbirds," his sister complained quietly once they got out of the heavier traffic.
He smiled. "It's time for them to get away from the cold weather and come walk on the beaches." He tweaked his niece's ear, getting a smirk back. "We will be at my place soon. You guys can have my bedroom and I'll take the couch." The ladies smiled at him. They were stopped by an agent. "It's not like I hijacked the plane," he said when his sister gave him a pointed look. "I was a good boy." He grinned at the agent. "What happened?"
"We need someone to calm down Mr. Harris before he finishes taking down a few different warrior clans, sir."
"He has boyfriends."
"Yes, they cackled. Unfortunately, due to clan alliances, some that didn't want to gift him stepped in and it's about to get...messy."
"I'll go to his house. Clay said to go there after I drop my sister and niece off."
"Please," he asked. Jensen pointed at them. He nodded at that fact, but silently begged.
"My family has to come first."
"You can get your teammate to come pick them up."
"Go get Wade."
"I tried. Anya hissed at me. We do admire her for her service but it's going to cause a war."
"Have you told Xander that?"
"Yes, his response was if they didn't attack him there wasn't a problem."
"That's my usual feeling."
"I will beg, sir. Even surrounded by all these mundanes."
Jensen huffed. "I have to get my sister home. Just stop time there or something." The agent's face lit up and he escaped to handle that. He looked at his sister. "The people who give Xander things truly messed up so he lost his temper."
"I remember yours."
"I get near his. He's a berserker," he told her as they walked off again. He grabbed their bags and walked her out to the cab stand, picking one to take them home. "Quickly, please. I have to go calm a friend down once I drop my family off."
The cabdriver looked at him. "I can bring them if you wanted to protect him, sir."
Jensen smirked. "He'll be fine. Ask Sam and Dean." The demon called and babbled that then hung up and drove them off. "How many now?"
"Over sixty present givers and one clan that wants him to be their title holder."
"He can't have kids."
Jensen's sister looked at him. "Is he sane?"
"More than I am sometimes." He patted her on the hand. "He's a good guy. Just now and then people give him things. Remember that topic I told you about?" She nodded slowly. "He's the worst ever."
"Oh," she said, sighing. "Poor guy."
"Yeah." He smiled at his niece. "Excited?"
"I'm trying really hard." He gave her a hug. "Will I like the new school?"
"Yes you will. It's tiny. It's for very smart kids mostly. You'll have a uniform but they're not that bad. They have a soccer team in your age group and older age groups. Yours went to the state semi-finals last year. The high school that's attached actually won them. " She beamed at that. "There's band, which your school didn't have, starting next year. All sorts of classes you couldn't have for another few years up there. Plus I can come up and visit more often."
"Wow. That'll be cool. Are the others in Miami?"
"Yup. We all live in the same building right now." He yawned and she hugged him. "I know but it's fine." The cabbie got paid when they got there, him pulling out all the bags. He had a moment of worry as they walked up to the apartment. What if something happened, all their families were here. Then the son of Pooch crawled out and suddenly his niece was all squeals, his sister was cooing at the baby, and they were as much a family as the team was.
He opened his door and waved a hand with a flourish. "I even did the dishes before I left." They walked in and his niece ran to the computers. "Still grounded," he pointed out. She pouted but came back to check out the rest of the apartment, starting with the bathroom. The baby tried to follow but her mother saved her modesty.
Jolene huffed from the doorway. "She's a girl. You don't need to see one of them naked for years yet, son." She took him back with a smile. "Thank you, he's escaping his father changing him again."
"Jess used to do the same thing by running at Jensen." They shared a smirk. "So, Jensen, having to run off?"
"Not yet." He called. "Am I needed?" He got hung up on. "Nah, Xander's growling, it's going to be fine." Jolene stared at him so he grinned. "He went to talk to some of them."
"Oh, dear." She walked off. "Will you have to rescue Xander if he's off threatening the present givers?"
"No, that's the DPP's job since we can't really travel realms."
"Good!" She handed him over. "He needs changed."
"Fine." He smiled, taking his son to change and play with. He was a good father. Jess came over to help him so he let her. She was a good kid most of the time.
"Still grounded," Jensen called.
"I'm not near a computer," Jess called back. "Quit stressing, Uncle Jensen. You'll get wrinkles. Then I'll never get an aunt."
Jolene patted her on the back. "We all hope that you get an aunt some day, dear." She just wasn't counting on it.
Dean and Sam strolled over to where Xander and Wade were. "Guys, there's now a cease fire," Sam called. One more shot got launched and he shot them. "I said stop it!" They all quit and Xander relaxed some.
"This is more fucked up than the usual gun battle," Wade said.
Xander nodded. "It can be, yeah." He looked at Sam. "Why is there a cease fire?"
"Because they're very sorry they impinged your honor. They now understand how bad it was," Sam told him. Xander smirked.
"They'd like to have some people left living since apparently they mistook you for a normal human. They're *really* sorry about that, Xander," Dean added.
He yawned. "Fine. I was only defending myself because as soon as I showed up to bitch they fired on me."
"How did you get the weapons from the car?" Dean asked.
"Open portal, borrow, close portal," Xander said.
"Good." He helped Xander up. Wade followed.
"He still shot at us," one of the other demon clans that had joined in complained.
Xander looked at them. "You shot at me. What did you expect me to do?"
"You took out some of our people. We are declaring war for you firing on us."
Xander stared at the speaker. "And yet, you jumped into a fight that wasn't yours and fired on me, so that means I have the same right to fire back."
"That's fine, you can declare war on us and we will still prevail."
Xander snorted. "I don't want to declare war on you. I could care less about you. You weren't the ones that upset me earlier." The demon gave him an alarmed look. "If you hadn't fired on me I wouldn't have touched a single one of you. That's called self-defense. It's not against the law. And if you declare war on me, I'll go destroy your realm."
"Can or should we take out this one?" Wade asked.
"No, we'd be trapped if we took out the keystone."
"Like a hearthstone in a house," Sam said at his confused look.
"Or the keystone in a building," Xander added. "It's basically holding the realm's boundaries in place and together."
"Got it," Wade said. "Pity we can't portal out if it's closed."
"No, we can't," Xander admitted. "I nearly got trapped in one before. We can't do that." The demon growled and pulled a gun. "Go for it if it makes you feel manly." The demon shot him.
Dean and Sam sighed. Wade glared and shot that one. The rest came out to protest but Xander gasped and sat up, holding his head. Sam helped him up. "You good?"
"Slight headache. I hit a rock." He looked then at the demons. Who all bowed to him. "Just stop it. Really." He walked off, taking them all home. He flopped down to sulk and pout. He was getting back to the point of hating all demons.
Sam and Dean both fussed at him, making him relax before more bad things happened.
"Xander, can I ask a question?" Wade asked calmly.
"Sure," Xander agreed. "About what?"
"Those bags? It's been bugging me since we went to the Bazaar."
"Okay, can we make it in real-world science things?"
"Professor Epps, Don's brother, looked them over and was thinking about that in the back of his giant brain."
"Huh. That would be really handy."
"If it fits through the opening it's going to fit inside," Sam told him. "The only problem is if you rip it, the stuff in there is gone."
"Good to know the restrictions. Like if I can fit a person?"
"It's like being in a timeless ocean of nothingness. I had a good nap the last time," Xander told him with a slight grin. "Some of them are smaller than others."
"Can you make larger ones?"
"No. I'm not that strong. I can basically grow plants but I learned the portal spells because it's damn handy when I'm saving myself from a demon realm."
"Good point," he agreed, nodding. "Does Clay know about those?"
"Not that I know of. Though I doubt he'd fit in even the largest one. The retrieval team head has a few for emergency issues. I had a few made as people movers."
"Are there other types of portals that can be used?" Wade asked.
Xander shrugged. "I don't know." He went to find that book and came out reading it. "There's over two hundred types of portals." He let Wade see that section. "Not all are covered in here. They still have the weakness of destroying the opening or the thing holding it would mean everything inside was gone."
"So, if we rigged one up that a team could climb into but then it got destroyed in a fire, then the team would be...."
"Voided probably. Some are made to go to the demonic mafia's reclamation center. Then you have to be nice to them to get things back."
"It's good to know they have one too."
"Their type of demon also run some of the banks," Xander said with a smile. "They have pretty decent interest and no one thinks about stealing from them. They're all tough guys that would make Chuck Norris look puny. You and Clay too."
"That's good to know. Point one out to me?" Xander nodded.
"Do we have a demon bank in town?" Sam asked.
"The one on Federal."
"Huh. We were wondering what that was," he told his brother.
"What's the large, gated thing?" Dean asked.
That got a nod.
"They have colleges too?" Wade asked.
"Yeah, the demon universities are very hard to get into and very hard to graduate from. Giles said a few Watchers had tried but never made it to graduation. They have applied science and more mystical subjects. Plus species studies, medical programs, all that."
Wade gaped. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. The one locally is a liberal arts school. Emphasis on the arts, teaching, and a pretty good lacrosse and polo team."
Wade shook his head quickly. "That's interesting. Do you go to games?"
"I've never been invited and I thought I might make someone nervous."
"Huh." He nodded and got comfortable, going back over the section on portals. They had good ideas of how to make them, what they'd hold, because some were made for people and some were made for mineral types, and how much they would hold. He found a good general purpose one and looked at it. "Xander, how hard is it to make one of these?" he asked.
Xander leaned over to look. "That's a lot of crafting work, which I'm not really skilled in. Willow could probably do it if you gave her a decent enough reason. Though I wouldn't use a box."
"That one says it has to be a doorway, but this one said it can be a flat panel."
Xander looked then changed the page, looking at him. "That's more for those who smuggle people." He sat up with a grin. "Which Clay could probably use."
"I know teams who would kill for that," he agreed. "Can we make one for your weapons?"
"No. Because again, destruction means it's gone and we do have hurricanes."
"Good point." He read over that section. It looked hard to his untrained eye. Harder than the other one. It was a lot more practical. It would hold a lot more stuff. It'd be like moving a folded up sheet. Which was easy enough to do. He texted Jensen to see if he knew of anyone in the mystical community. The kid knew some strange geeks. When asked why he offered the portal solution.
Jensen read his phone. "I think Xander hormoned Wade too much," he said, cracking Jolene up. "Bags?" he asked, typing that back in. He looked up. "Xander apparently has bottomless bags?"
"Does he take them shopping?" Jolene asked.
"I'm wondering if they're all those carpet bags in the closet," Clay admitted.
Jensen typed that back, nodding at the answer. "Yeah, they are." He showed him what Wade had typed. "He thinks he found a more practical thing for team outings and Pieter has one for rescues."
"That's good to know," Clay said dryly. "Can we get our own made?"
"Only if we go to a few off-realm shopping areas. Xander said we'd have to bring Greg to a few or him so they could find the right sort. Also, Professor Epps is working on the formula to create them scientifically. He must be pulling out his hair."
"Like in D&D?" Jensen's sister asked. Jensen grinned and nodded. "But that would be magic and magic isn't real."
Jensen found the video of him as a kitty, showing her. "A local witch I apparently pissed off."
She gave him an odd look but watched it. "It wasn't hypnosis?"
"Detective Mystick?" he called. The DPP officer appeared, staring at him. "These neverending bags, where are the areas we can get one for retrieval? And how hard are they to get in case someone like a terrorist wants one?"
"I only know of one terrorist that uses them and that's mostly to move weapons around. They're actually coming this way soon. I was going to tell Horatio." He called the file down and handed it to Clay with a smile. "Can you?"
"Of course." He read it over. "How helpful are those bags?"
"If you can put them through the opening it's very handy. Most of them are smaller but I think the bigger ones Xander gave to the head retrieval team. For having some made, there's only three shopping areas. They'd probably take gems if you wanted to get Xander to buy it for you but it's a long way from the acceptable portal point so you'd have to bring the horses. There's some on that massive mall Xander found but that's off-world and Greg would complain. There's that annoying classified project that would show up to be nosy about what you saw and bought." He shrugged. "Escort Xander on a trip, but be prepared to spend some time in the saddle." He smiled at Jensen. "Yes, even if Xander fully blasts his while he's stuffed in one it won't leak out. We love them for prisoner transport as well." He smirked and disappeared.
Clay looked at Jensen. "Are you taking riding lessons yet?
"Not really. We visited the farm once but that was with you there."
"Take some. See if we can procure a few." He went back to reading. "This is really bad." He frowned, calling Horatio. "That vampire detective from the DPP dropped a file on me to brief you about." He hung up. "This one's using a different sort of portal to sneak a lot of major weapons around the country."
Jensen's sister looked at him. "How long have you know that was real?"
"Since meeting Xander. He can grow plants." He grinned. "He also has horses and we might be able to talk him into giving a certain young thing lessons now and then." She smiled at him for that bribe. "It's cool. It hardly ever happens. Now and then you see some really odd things though. Like Xander's demon suitors. One gave him live snakes."
"They were sacred to them," Pooch said. "That sort of thing, even a smaller one for weapons, would be really handy to have."
"I'll see if we can bum one," Clay agreed. He typed that at Xander. Who said he could but told him the downside. "If it rips, anything inside is gone," he said. "So we'd have to be careful of the thing."
"Good to know," Jensen agreed. He shook his head. "I sent an email to Professor Epps about them to see if he's got anything worked up that's not theoretical."
"Thanks," Clay said. He looked over as someone knocked. "Open," he called. Horatio walked in. He handed over the folder. "They'll be here soon."
Horatio read it, scowling. "Would Wade hear that they're in town?"
"Xander might hear they're in town," Clay offered. Horatio nodded, walking off with the file. "We'll help if you need it."
"I'll be counting on that," Horatio promised.
Clay nudged the door shut, grinning. "It's good that we're a lot less active now."
The others all nodded. It was nice. Jolene went to get sick and Pooch stared at her back.
"Dude, condom," Jensen teased with a smirk.
"Broke," he admitted. "Jolene, are you all right?" he called, following her.
Clay shook his head. "He's insane to want another one." The baby was scowling at the bathroom then wiggled off the couch to follow Daddy, calling out for mom. "It's fine, she's making you a big brother, Junior." The baby scowled at him too. "Your father scowls the same way when he has to break an engine apart."
Jensen snickered. "Xander cooed the last time he scowled at him. The baby demanded hair playing time. He adores that little braid Xander found him." He grinned.
"Keep that stupid Fu braid away from my son," Pooch called. "He has plenty of hair."
Clay snickered. "He did?" Jensen found it and held it up, making him cackle. "That's cute." The baby came out to steal it then crawled off chewing on it. Jolene threw it at Jensen's head then slammed the bathroom door. The others all snickered.
"Mood swings," Cougar said suddenly then shuddered. The others all nodded at that problem. Maybe they could do more jobs this time too.
Xander was being GHS sat by Cougar, because he was grounded again and pouty about it, when they saw something odd. He pointed. "Why is there a sudden metal thing shining there?"
Cougar looked, then got his scope to check. He growled. He let Xander see.
Xander looked then sighed. "I know I know it from somewhere. I know it's a bad thing." He considered it. "Speed's a geek." He called him. "Log into the city camera system by Flagler about ten blocks from where the team's building is. Yeah, there. Because there's something odd and I don't know how to deal with it. No, not demonic."
He listened while he had Eric do that since Speed was in the field. Speed got the feed sent to the hummer and groaned. "Laser or artillery when it was on the show? I can do that. Thanks." He hung up and tossed the scope. "We need to get into the classified military weapons while someone figures out where it came from."
"Why do you have classified things?" Cougar asked, following him down the stairs.
"I've had some actually. It's from that project that likes to come nag Tony about things and screws up the DPP portals ever now and then. Then Dean and I tinkered with one." He grinned.
Cougar nodded slowly because that meant two bored GHS gun nuts had tinkered with artillery or something. That was probably a bad thing. "What was it?"
"Speed said it's a Dalek from Dr. Who. They used laser weapons or his sonic screwdriver to stop them. Fortunately we do have laser weapons." He got them into his corvette, him driving, and he took off with a spin of the tires. The area was being cleared by officers but Xander only had to run into his storage area. Then he peeled out once he had the box. He spun out behind the police line, hearing a few groans. He got out, taking the box. "Guys, Speed said it's a Dalek?"
"It's saying 'exterminate all those not military'," one reported. "Did you raid your warehouse, Mr. Harris?"
"Yup." He looked. He saw the note from Calleigh. "Of course she tampered." He handed that to Cougar. "Have Jensen or someone fix those wires and you can test it. Fortunately I got one of the others." He pulled it off his back waistband, activating it with a whine of noise. "Move," he ordered.
Clay was near it, glaring. "Yeah, I was military. You aren't going to take me out."
"You do not wear identification."
"Honorably discharged, pussbag."
"Then you are no longer military and I must exterminate you." A cannon came up.
Clay moved when he heard Xander shout and then watched as the red light hit the creature and it exploded into little parts. Clay looked over. "What the hell was that, kid?"
"Something I found." He grinned. "I was shopping off realm."
One of the officers stared at him. "Demons have lasers now?"
"No, this belongs to a super classified military project who is very worried about what I find in some of those realms." He smirked. "Calleigh stripped some of the wires on the one Dean and I were fixing up."
"I'll yell at her myself," Clay said, coming over. He took the weapon to look at. "Safety?" Xander flipped it back to off, which lowered the 'head' down. "Thank you. That's more powerful than I'd want you to handle today, kid."
"Danger does push it back down," he said with a saccharin grin. He took it back. "Mine." He tucked it back into his waistband, walking over to look. "Hmm. Someone military did make it. It's got a property ID tag from Pentagon Special Projects Corps," he called. Clay jogged back to look at that. "Huh." He looked at him. "Gibbs?"
"Not going to be back for days. I'll call someone. Hand that to Cougar so he can test it?"
"I'm fully proficient. I can even strip and clean it."
"So?" He stared at him. "Still grounded." Xander sulked but handed it off. "Have Pooch or Jensen fix whatever she did while I get Horatio to spank her," he told Cougar quietly, getting a nod and him walking Xander off. "Where did they get this thing from?" he asked.
"Speed said it's off Dr. Who. He's hoping there's no Cybermen. They want to turn us into machines to better humanity."
"Cougar, take him back to the building via the ice cream shop? He deserves a treat." Xander grinned at him and walked Cougar off. He waited until they were gone to look at one of the officers. "We'll confiscate the other energy weapons," he said dryly.
"Thank you, sir. Part of the local team?" Clay smirked and nodded. "Even better." He saw a hummer pull up with a screech of brakes and then two more. "Mr. Harris shot it with an energy weapon, Lieutenant. He said your ballistics tech stripped the wires in another one that he was going to use."
"I'll talk with her later," he decided. "What was it?"
"Xander said a dalek?" Clay said. "Said Speedle identified it?"
Horatio just nodded. "Figures."
"Made by someone in the Pentagon," Clay taunted.
"I'll deliver the parts myself. Boys." Ryan and Eric came over to help him gather the bits and pieces. He knew the name of that person who had come down from that special project. He'd be taking it back to them. "How did we get an energy weapon?" Horatio asked, realizing what he had said.
"Xander had it."
"That so figures," Ryan sighed. "I thought that project took them all back."
"The other apparently he and Dean were tinkering," Clay told him.
"That's a thought to give me nightmares," Eric quipped. "Please, no more?" he begged Clay, who laughed back. "Thanks." They finished picking up the pieces so they could log them at the lab and then Horatio could carry them to DC.
Only in Miami, really.
Horatio walked into an office. They had been listed on the bulletin board. So here he was. "Excuse me, is the supervising officer here please?" he asked politely.
"Who are you, sir?"
Horatio pulled out his badge, holding it up. "We found someone's toy." He stared them down. "We are not pleased." The young female lieutenant went to get the General over the unit. Horatio opened the box and poured out the parts, finding the one he wanted to hold it up. It had the project ID number.
"Do not send more to Miami. We are not amused. We had to let Mr. Harris destroy things with a laser thanks to this thing. Our mayor's stroke thanks to that thing was not welcome either." He stared down the general, getting a curt nod back. "I do not know whose bright idea it was, but do make them suffer for me? Or else I will be arresting them for the city of Miami. Then we'll do things in civilian court."
"Lieutenant, I had no idea we were building something that was going to be going to Miami."
"I have no idea why the military was building a dalek anyway, General. Nor do I rightly care." The general gaped then looked around for someone looking pissed off. "Needless to say, if he is not punished, we will be quite severely. It did cause some property damage and did cause a panic."
"I'll make sure of it, Lieutenant. Thank you for alerting me to this problem."
Horatio smirked, putting back on his sunglasses. "Some of the department does hope he's not going to build a Cyberman as well."
"No, if we need robots, we have a sample from that one project," he said dryly. Horatio smirked, walking off to talk to his other target. He looked around again. "Phelps!" he growled.
"Day off, sir," the female lieutenant said helpfully. "He's in Alexandria visiting someone."
"I want him now," he ordered. "Clean this fucking mess up too so we can recycle it." She nodded, going to get the broom and dustpan to do that with. One of the others was already calling Phelps to warn him he was in deep.
Horatio walked into the other office he wanted. "Major Davis." The man stiffened, looking up at him. Horatio pulled out the laser pistol. The man inhaled sharply. "Xander somehow managed to find another one. Though it was quite handy recently."
He took it carefully to look over. "He's kept it pristine."
"He did tell and show me how to field strip and clean it. I made him after he had to use it on something someone in this complex had sent to Miami."
Major Davis looked at him. "How many more does he have this time?"
"I do not know. They are hidden." He smirked. "He's not admitting anything other than he and Dean Winchester broke one down together to tinker. That one, my ballistics tech rendered inoperative but it was unfortunately before it was needed. Thankfully he had that as a backup."
Davis nodded at that. "Okay then." Horatio snickered quietly. "If he has more, please call me and I'll come confiscate them. Thank you, Lieutenant."
"You are quite welcome. We don't want him to have anything too powerful."
"These aren't, but a third hit to the same body will disintegrate them."
"He said he turned down the power on the one he tinkered so the first was like a stunner, the second a kill, but the third no longer did that."
"Interesting. I'd like to see that one."
"As would I but the retrieval team has it."
"Are they qualified?" Horatio handed over Cougar's card. He had gotten one on purpose from the stack Clay had made to hand to the local GHS members so they had their numbers around. Davis looked him up and nodded slowly. "That's fine, as long as he keeps hold of it and only him. I like Harris but we really don't want them getting out."
"Neither do we, but it seems safer than a gun for the poker habits he has," Horatio said dryly. "It also worked quite well on the dalek."
"We made a dalek?"
"Special Projects did."
"Hmm. That doesn't really surprise me," he admitted, making Horatio smirk again. "Thank you. I will have *him* cleared to handle those things. That way we don't have any more problems and Xander can quietly hand them to him to hoard for him."
"That would probably be acceptable." Horatio left, going to talk to Gibbs since they were due back sometime today.
Davis called Landry to inform him of those facts. He had to ask what a dalek was but swore when he found out. Yeah, that was just the strangeness of Miami for you.
Gibbs got off the plane and had a text message waiting on him. "What's a dalek, McGee?"
"Like from Dr. Who?" McGee asked. Gibbs held up the message about the new arrest they had to make. "Homicidal robots who want to exterminate humanity, boss. Why was the Pentagon making one?"
"Probably to send at enemy forces," Greg muttered. "I'm sure the Taliban would run from a flying garbage can with laser weapons."
"Excuse me?" Gibbs asked. McGee got on his phone's web browser to look one up, handing him the photo. "That is a flying trash can." He handed it back, walking off shaking his head. "Let's arrest him then go home." They all sighed but followed. It had been a long flight.
Clay looked at the order Horatio sent across to him and Cougar. "Why does Xander have laser weapons?"
"Because he's a Xander?" Pooch guessed. "Who makes laser weapons?"
"No idea." Clay texted Cougar, who sent back a sigh. "Yeah, he heard." He put his phone up and they went back to their shopping for Jolene's birthday present. Because Pooch needed backup this time. It was right before Mother's day so the lingerie store was packed with frantic husbands.
Cougar looked at Xander. "They want me to hold them."
Cougar stared at him. "Horatio ordered."
Xander nodded. "I'm sure he did but yay." He shrugged. "No one is going to get into them." He looked at him. "Not like you saw them during the last few inventories and I've had those for years."
Cougar groaned, texting that to Horatio. Who called Xander.
Xander huffed, answering his phone. "What? Yes, I'm a bit pissed off. No, they're not all classified. Dean and I made a few so they're really not classified and the other ones aren't theirs. They've never been to their base, Horatio. No, I found them in a bazaar. They're from a demon realm. You can tell him I said that." He smirked. "That's wonderful but I had that one I used the other day for over two years." He hung up.
Cougar stared at him. "He's going to be pissed."
"Maybe but I do know what I'm doing with weapons. No matter who thinks what, I've actually got a lot of experience with weapons." He shrugged. "You've seen me handle most everything in there, even if I'm petting it."
"Point," Cougar admitted. "Still classified."
Xander shook his head. "Not if they didn't come from that project." He smirked. "They came from a radically different source since they're knock offs of the ones that project found." He sent that to Horatio and that annoying Major, reminding them both he did know what to do with weapons and they weren't classified. Then he put his phone up again. "Want to go to the range?"
"Fine." Xander stood up. "I'm going to the range." He left, going to the warehouse to get his range kit. Horatio, barely back from DC, walked in and took off his sunglasses. "They're still not classified."
"They're still dangerous," Horatio countered.
Xander stared at him. "Horatio, I can make a pocket knife dangerous." Horatio nodded he knew that. "Frankly, I'd rather have them in case we needed them. They work wonderfully well on those casting spells." He leaned against one of the shelving units. "I'm all for reasonable precaution taking for the things that could destroy the city. These, they're on the handgun level, so not artillery. They're not classified because they're someone else's version of it."
"That one I handed over was not."
"No, I have two of those. Dean and I tinkered from them too." He gave Horatio a look. "Worry more about other things? Please? You know damn well I'm not going to use it."
"They could get pushy and still claim those."
"I'm sure they'd try but not like anyone's seen them outside of that one box, which I think Calleigh really needs to apologize for ruining." Horatio gaped. Xander stared back. "She did. Dean and I built that."
"They're still dangerous."
Xander nodded. "So is a pointy stick if used right. So is a taser, which they are at the first shot."
"I'm worried that the third shot will complicate matters of finding murderers," he said, moving closer.
"These ones don't do that at the third shot. Heats it a lot but not that way. Beyond that, what would they be doing with them? Did they travel to that demon market?" Horatio sighed. Xander shrugged. "They don't get them from me. Until that stupid robot, you didn't know I had them. No one else knew either." Jensen walked in and looked around, then glared at him. Xander glared back. "I've had them for years, thank you."
"Cougar is pissed at you."
"He can be pissed at me. They're handgun strength so not under hand-over regs." He looked at Horatio again. "They can't claim them. They're not the same."
"Prove it," Horatio said. Xander summoned one. Horatio moaned. "You hid them like you used to the poker debts."
"Something like that." He held it up. "Different shape to better fit in a human hand. No need to arm it by raising the head." He found a rat in there and shot it. "And a different beam." He handed it over.
Jensen took it to look over. "It's sweet. Who uses these?"
"Those, no one," Xander said. "Something like that, a classified project out in Colorado who likes to nag when we go off-realm market hopping."
Horatio stared at him. "It's still dangerous." Xander pointed at the handgun cabinet. "I know but it is still something that could get people down on our heads, Xander."
Xander concentrated after sighing. Major Davis appeared with a squeak. Xander took the gun back and held it up. "Not yours."
He took it to look over. "That's not ours. Who made this one?"
Xander took it back with a grin. "Horvarth." He put it on a shelf, then looked at him. "I have one other of yours but Dean and I have been tinkering with it to improve the accuracy."
"It's very accurate."
"Not if the nose isn't in direct line. That leaves a problem when you're firing in a crowd or during a battle from the second line....."
Major Davis nodded. "We've seen those sort of problems. We found a lot of range work helped that."
Xander shook his head, hitting the rat that was mostly behind Jensen's leg. Jensen flinched but didn't get hurt. "Accurate, even if you're stupid."
"Oh. I see." He took it back to look over. "A demon?" Xander nodded. "Do you have others?"
"Yes, and some you'll never get. One of them was a gift of respect from someone who actually didn't want to steal my butt or play with my hair. He saw me in battle and realized I was worthy of his respect." He stared him down then looked at Horatio. "I'm not an infant. I do know weapons."
"I know you do," Major Davis agreed. This had clearly started a fight so he needed to pull out his mediator side to help. He looked it over again. "Third shot...."
"Heats. Even seven won't dissolve a body. It'll burn it a lot but it won't dissolve it." He got into a case that they couldn't see, handing over something. "The one we pulled apart to look over. I've cleaned it and one screw is still missing but we also retuned the power supply, which took out that problem. Also, here," he said, handing over a staff weapon. He stared at him. "One of the realms."
Major Davis nodded. "It's still dangerous, Mr. Harris."
"And next months I'm still going to be dealing with three new terrorists who're coming to Miami to retire." He smiled. "I'd rather have weapons I can trust."
"Who's coming to Miami to retire?" Horatio demanded, hands going to his hips.
"It's in your email," Xander told him. "I know Speed found it, he went on a swearing rant back."
"I'll make sure I get it later," Horatio said, glaring at him. Xander stared back. "Usually you're very reasonable."
"I still am. These are under my limit, they're not classified, not current military issue, and damn handy." Jensen cackled. "I know a lot of strange weapons from demon clans and things. You wouldn't know that I had those if it wasn't for that stupid robot." He dug in there and came out with something else, tossing it at Horatio. "You need a claw."
Horatio looked it over. He aimed it at a wall and used the stem of his sunglasses to fire it. The wall bubbled. The forcefield inside rippled but held. "Interesting. Demon weapon?"
"Yes. Much more destructive. Dean and I figured out how to turn it into a time delayed grenade instead."
Major Davis looked then at him. "Can I have one of those for our people to test?"
Xander nodded. "That one or the grenade version?"
"Can I have a sample of both?" he asked. Xander tossed him one. "Thank you." He looked them both over. "They're very compact." He looked at Xander. "Any others?"
"Many." He grinned. "Nothing that's over the limit Horatio set for me."
Horatio stared at him. "You still shouldn't have things that could be dangerous for others."
"So we're going to replay the LA slave market thing?" Xander quipped back.
"No," he said firmly. "Major?"
"He's right. None of this is classified." He looked at him. "Can I at least look at the one you got that was a warrior's gift?" Xander pulled it out and held it up. He moaned. "It's a laser pistol?"
"Okay." He moved closer to look it over. "I know someone who has one but it's not like that."
Xander nodded. "This one's actually run on that energy metal."
"What's energy metal?" Jensen asked. He tried to take it but Xander shook his head. "You know I won't hurt it."
"A weapon that's given in honor like that only the owner or whoever he passes it on to should touch it, like the Samurai's main sword," Major Davis told him. Xander nodded, smiling at him. "Where?"
"After a battle." He put it back. He looked at Jensen. "You've seen my altar in the office?"
"Yeah," Jensen agreed.
"You've seen the little bits of metal that hold a fire forever and it never goes out? Even if I were to deprive it of oxygen and submerge it?"
"I've seen little bits of metal on fire."
"Those. That's a metal from the same spot that the silver-looking stuff that keeps its shape no matter what once it's forged," he told the Major.
"We looked at some of that. We had no idea how to do anything beyond use it for fire sources."
"It's a small bit of acid added to break it down." He dug into the case, coming out with something else. He held up the small vial and the sensor on top. "That's our tester one. It's been going now for..." He looked at the display. "Six years." He let him see it. "That bit of metal is about a tenth gone."
He nodded. "May I bring this back as well?" Xander smiled and nodded. "Are the rest of the laser weapons hidden?"
"Yeah. That box was out because we had been working on it and planned on presenting it to Don for his birthday. So yeah, I want to spank Calleigh right now."
He nodded at that. "I understand why," he agreed, glancing at Horatio.
"If she had known, I doubt she would have touched it, Xander."
"She's come in to disarm a few different things," Jensen told him. "Even stuff you've allowed him to keep."
"I will talk to her about that." He looked at the vial. "I remember you setting up your altar with a small sliver. That one was about a thumbnail clipping size."
Xander nodded. "Yup. They'll probably run out in about five years."
"We agreed, it was a damn handy thing," the Major told Horatio. "We couldn't figure out how to use it for anything. With this, we'll have a lot of good ideas." He looked at Xander. "You're sure they can't be found?"
"We've done six inventories for him and haven't seen anything like these," Jensen said.
Horatio looked at him. "He used to hide poker debt bags magically as well."
"I heard. I ran my hands over everything and I could not find a thing, Horatio. Including that case. I had my soda there last time." Xander grinned at him. "We need that on retrievals."
"I'm working on it," Xander admitted. "I can't do it on something light. I'm not a crafter that way. I work with wood more often than I do fabric or jewels."
"I understand that," the Major assured him with a smile. "Can you.... Maybe get me home?"
"I can banish you but it might hurt when you hit the building?" he offered sheepishly.
The Major smiled. "That's fine. I can handle getting myself back. Do we have a safe carry case?"
Xander looked and found a box he emptied and handed it over with a smile. "That should work. Don't depress the button."
"I won't. I'll keep hold of that." He shook their hands. "Lieutenant, as long as it's not ours, we'd like to see what he comes up with."
"I'm still worried that others will hear."
"How?" Xander asked. "Not like I've went out bragging about it. They're not on the inventories. None of the poker buddies know."
Horatio sighed. "Fine." He stared at him. "Though I'm upset you're hiding things from us again. Have we perhaps had a scan recently?"
"It's not that tumor," he complained. "Really." He closed the trunk and it was hidden again. Jensen walked over to feel the area, not feeling it.
"I still want to talk about this," Horatio warned quietly.
Xander nodded. "I'm sure we will," he sighed.
"It's dangerous. It's my job to protect Miami." He stared the boy down.
Xander nodded. "I do have some of that duty myself," he said dryly.
"I know. I keep underestimating you as a fighter and protector."
Xander nodded. "You're not the only one though." He looked at Jensen then at the Major. "Go ahead and call. We heard about the displacement stuff from one of the demons."
The major moaned, shaking his head. "I don't want to know." He called. "General, Major Davis. I got some very nice things from Mr. Harris so I need brought to your office. No, they know. A demon told them about our displacement system. Thank you, sir. Miami." He hung up and a minute later he disappeared.
Horatio looked at his spot. "That would be very handy." He looked at Xander. "I'm disappointed you didn't even tell me. If I wasn't shocked by it...."
"You would've tried to make me hand it over a few years back," Xander said dryly. "Blaming it on that tumor."
"Tumor?" Jensen asked casually.
"Every time he passes over and comes back, a small tumor in his control center grows a tiny bit," Horatio said dryly, giving Xander a dirty look. "It tends to make him do things that we do not approve of and worry us greatly when he gets into more and more dangerous situations."
"Ah. How large is it usually?"
"The last I knew it had been removed again," Horatio admitted. "However that was over two years ago."
"I've only died three times since then."
Strife appeared, looking at Xander's head, shaking his own. "Nah, it's still really tiny." He summoned it and held it up. "See, less than a pea."
Horatio nodded. "He's been hoarding strange weapons."
"You never know when a laser might come in handy," Strife quipped. "I sure as hell wished for one a few times back in Ancient Greece." He disappeared.
Xander grinned. "I probably would've too."
Horatio smirked. "Me as well. If only so I could've defended us all when you lost your temper."
"I've been a good boy." Wade walked in and shut the door, staring at them. "Problems?"
"That damned terrorist is here. I was getting some ammo."
Jensen texted that to Clay. "Where?"
"We can," Xander started.
"Hell no," Jensen ordered.
"Actually, the guy wanted to meet him," Wade admitted. He looked at his boss. "Which is probably dangerous."
"So we don't think I can zap him?" he mouthed, then nodded outside. The lights were blinking beside the door. Wade looked then groaned, heading out to get him. Xander looked at Jensen. Then at Horatio. Horatio moved since he was well known to be an officer.
Wade came back. "Forgive the Lieutenant, but he needed to compare something to a pure sample since someone found an ill-fixed rocket launching system."
"That's fine," the man promised smoothly. "Is he trustworthy?"
Xander smiled. "He has never bothered me." He walked forward. "Wade, who is this?"
"This is Mr. Hills."
Xander shook his hand. "Pleasure to meet you. I've heard you mentioned around the Bazaar before."
Mr. Hills smiled. "I've heard the same." He looked around. "It's a nice, small collection."
Xander winked. "I have a few things hidden," he said quietly. "Horatio allows my apocalypse vault here for emergencies. I even let him borrow if he must to protect the city."
"Wonderful of you." He walked over to look around, nodding at the other minion in there. "Wade, most of us would've expected you to retire since Max died."
"I mostly am but Xander needs some help now and then; some of my contacts and the like."
"He does a *wonderful* job keeping track of things for me," Xander said with a smile. "Including my inventory and who owes me money."
Mr. Hills nodded, waiting until Horatio left to smile at him. "What is your speciality, Mr. Harris?"
"I like non-vehicle mounted or strange weapons mostly. Nothing that a two-year-old could fire, but good explosion to mass ratio. Something that if I had to, I could take down anything threatening me in a way that would mean no one else would ever try the same thing again. I was in LA during that slight case of invasion they had." Mr. Hills nodded and smiled at that. "I leant some of my babies to them for that emergency."
"Interesting. I notice a lot in the RPG class. I notice handguns and rifles."
"I prefer things I can fire off myself. Handguns and rifles because I wanted a good exemplar to choose from. Depending on what I'm needing to do, for range, easy carry, or basic daily wear."
Mr. Hills smiled. "That's usually a wise decision. Are you sniper trained?"
"Self trained but I've been tested against some very good snipers and I make about ninety-eight percent of their scores almost always. Every now and then I suck but most of the time I'm more than beating the qualifications for SWAT."
"I know many who can. Who did you test yourself against?"
Xander smiled. "One of the top CSI in the city used to be a Marine Corps sniper. I've shot against him and a few others he knows."
"Miami got them after the mayor in New York was atrociously stupid and closed their lab. I do adore Stella. She and I trade recipes now and then."
"You freely associate?"
"I do. I'm actually dating an officer." He smiled. "He's very hot."
Mr. Hills laughed. "I can see that point. Which is probably why you're given leave to be such a collector?"
"That as well. Horatio knows we needed things here to protect Miami. I let him borrow when he needs to and he makes sure I don't get anything toooo huge. We came to an easy agreement in case something needed to suddenly show up like a few years back when someone was going to run a semi into the nuclear plant."
"I've heard you do participate in the local underground?"
Xander leaned against a stack of cases. "I do play poker in it. I tend to mostly keep to myself right now thanks to my boyfriend. I have a lot of people who owe me money that I occasionally let do favors for me. Or him." He smiled. "I do hate it when he works overtime too often."
"He does spoil the boyfriend's unit with dinner a lot," Wade agreed. "The others all think he's a fluffy househusband sort who collects some unusual things, like swords."
"My boy likes me to be sweet, fluffy, and nice," Xander agreed with a grin, looking at Jensen. "I spoiled him with dinner last night."
"My sister and niece adored the beef dish last night," Jensen agreed.
"Of course, now and then I...find something worth collecting," Xander said, walking over to a shelving unit and pulling off something he could see, pointing at the case. Mr. Hills moaned. Xander looked inside then showed him with a wink and a smirk. That got a bigger moan. Xander closed it and rehid the case. "Some things Horatio doesn't need to know about." He walked back with him, smiling. "So, I've heard you have something in the sonic class? I've been working with the semi-practical laser applications but they're more field weapons."
"I've heard about some of those." He looked at him. "I do have something nice that is in the sonic class but it's a bit... impractical for what you usually collect."
"Some things I collect just because they're pretty babies that need love." He pointed at a blank spot, then whispered in his ear. Mr. Hills shivered. Xander winked. "Some things need petted and softly babied."
"Yes, some do," he agreed. He looked around. "I have a way of moving things."
"I use bottomless bags."
The man stared at him. "I have not seen any of those." Xander found one and showed him, letting him see inside. "That is sweet."
"It's very sweet," Xander agreed with a smile, putting it back. "How do you do it?"
"I have a different form of portal." He hung it up and they walked in.
"Oooh," Xander said, looking around. "This is nice. I could use one of these. Where did you get the portal?"
"Off something that was not exactly normal."
"Dude, I'm from near LA. I've seen weird and fucking weird." Mr. Hills laughed at that, shaking his head. "Seriously."
"I'm sure you have." He opened a crate. "These babies were sold from near LA a few months back."
Xander looked. "Hmm. What is it?"
"They called it a snuke," Wade said. "Max used to have a few."
Xander looked at him. "How good?"
"One destroyed a full island, just dissolved it."
"Awww. That poor baby got used," Xander said, petting it.
Mr. Hills looked at him. "Don't fondle the keypad, just in case please."
Xander smiled at him. "Fine. How many are available?"
"The makers aren't selling any more."
"Yeah, Max had us cap them," Wade admitted dryly. "I threw one off a building in Dubai for having ethics." He smiled.
Mr. Hills nodded. "I can see how that happens."
"Wade, less blood thirsty, more cooing at the babies," Xander said. "They deserve cooing." He looked, then pointed. "Is that the same thing?"
"Yes." He opened it.
Xander looked. "Hmm, no that's a Subsonic explosive that was developed in China last year. I've seen test film of that." Mr. Hills gaped at him. Xander smirked. "It was very interesting to watch." He looked around then nodded. "This is very nice. I so need to find one of these myself." Wade killed the guy. Xander looked then at Wade. "Horatio might complain."
"Possibly," he admitted. "I have that impulsiveness issue. Horatio?" He walked in, looking around. "How many snukes, Xander?"
Xander looked then shrugged. "Five. Plus the two I have."
"The guys who created them are all dead," Wade said. "How did the extra two get made?"
"Why do you have two whatever they are?" Horatio asked.
He shrugged. "They only showed up last week." He led them out to that shelf, opening the cases. "Wade, get the other one so we can compare?"
Wade brought them out, letting them look.
"That one's one of the Chinese subsonic ones," Xander said with a point. "And that one is the other Indian guys who were thinking about stopping the Kashmiri issue the easy way."
"How many of those are out there?" Horatio asked.
"Three," Wade said. "They died in a car crash. The Indian government has two. They thought that's all there were. How do you know that?" he asked Xander.
Xander shrugged and smiled. "People like to talk to me."
"How did you get the snukes?" Wade asked.
"There's no way anyone in Miami's circles has access to those and all the snukes were in LA," Wade said. He looked at Xander, who gave him a smile.
Horatio coughed. "We're not discounting the demon network?" he asked Wade.
"Demons wouldn't want them," Jensen said casually. "Xander, who is Peter Syan?" he asked. "Since that's the name on the tag?" He held it up.
"Oh, shit," Wade said, looking at Xander. "How do you know that psycho?" Xander gave him a dirty look. "I know I have loose morals but he made Max look sane, kid."
"I know. I met him before I met Don." Jensen choked. "Then again, he's also a vampire." He walked around the boxes. "I even pre-sorted things for the next inventory hand-over."
"Syan is a vampire?" Wade demanded, gaping in horror.
Xander nodded. "Yeah."
"You met him at that brothel?"
"Yeah. He paid me seventy thou for a blowjob as a tip."
Horatio coughed. "Was he a regular?"
"No. I was his special treat when he managed to overthrow some CIA kook. He came back a few other times. Said I was pretty. He vacationed down here last month. I pointed out that you were very uptight about such things and he said he knew, he admired you for that, and it was cute how in gooey love I was according to him. Clay saw us together at the pool but he was sucking on some girl's throat. He was interested in all that but I told him it had been fixed, Max was fully dead. I even bragged that you were helping me now and then, Wade. He congratulated me for finding such a good helper. He said he had offered to buy you from Max once but Max had gotten huffy so he walked off laughing."
"Yeah, Max loathed that guy. Called him a psycho then laughed and said that said something coming from him." He looked at Horatio. "He's on the top ten list of people you do not fuck with."
Xander shrugged. "He's only five inches long, you'd have to fuck him," Xander said quietly. Wade snorted, walking off shaking his head.
Horatio cleared his throat. "Is he... enamored of you still?"
"No. He's bought a very nice GHS of his own, who I made sure wanted to be there. I pointed out I'd get him free if he needed or wanted me to. He just pureed and climbed into his lap to play some tonsil hockey. He's perfectly happy. I reminded him that he'd better stay that way."
Horatio nodded slowly. "All right. Why did he allow you to buy these things?"
Xander smirked. "I took them because he brought them to my city, Horatio. He laughed and said they were a present anyway if I would do that touch thing to him. So I did. His GHS got one too and he's now working to duplicate it for his lover."
"Touch thing?" Jensen asked. "Like what you did to that guy who thought I was GHS?"
"Yeah, only stronger. I only gave him a quarter."
Horatio looked at him. "What does that do?"
"Fires all his nerves in sequence that lead to an explosive orgasm that most people will never have again."
Horatio gaped. "Excuse me?"
Xander touched him, letting a bit flow over. Horatio shivered. "I can make it stronger. That's barely a touch." He smiled a smug smile. "He wanted it full blown but it might've blown his head off and killed him."
"I can see why." He adjusted his suit coat and looked at him. "That is very dangerous."
"Which is why I don't usually use it unless I have to."
"Thank you for that small mercy. Did he give you anything else?"
"A few things."
"Wade, would it be possible to get the files and plans on those?"
"Not unless we go raid their widows and steal from them. Which would open me to being arrested in multiple countries. Even if I turned evidence," he said when Xander's look caught his attention.
"So we talk to Faust," Xander mouthed, finding something and held it up. Wade took it and stomped on it. "Since he's so interested."
"Do we perhaps know him?" Wade asked.
"I'd have to find out who he was to know that."
Wade pulled up the file and held up the picture. "Him?"
Xander took it to look at, nodding. "That's Devi's former guard Lyle. He used to take me shopping. I don't think he's CIA."
Wade smirked at him. "How many more of them are still around?"
"As far as I know all of them are. Unless whatever hunter went into the brothel the last time killed them."
Wade typed that into the file. "No, it's his cousin. He said his cousin did mope over you."
"He tried to take me once but I knocked his ass out." He took the PDA to type at the asshole of the moment. "He said Max had the plans and a few other things that really should be taken out. He thinks the snuke is too dangerous. Which I agree with." He kept going. "It's in his home in Atlanta?"
"He didn't really have a home base. He had a few safe houses he stayed in a few days and companies he dealt with. Atlanta.... The red house?" Xander nodded, showing him. "Okay, I did not know that. That's while I was in Miami watching Jensen's teammates hijack a money drive."
"That was your team?" Horatio asked Jensen. "With the helicopter...." Jensen smirked and nodded. "Wade, a few officers did get injured from the firing."
"Sorry," he said, shrugging a bit. "It was the job, Horatio."
"It will not happen again," he said firmly. "At all."
"Yes, sir," Wade said, ducking his head some. "Can I have my phone back?" he asked.
"No," Xander said. "I want to know how that guy knows me." He typed that in. He gaped. Then he tossed it back. "We have an issue." He smiled at Horatio, switching languages to the one they learned off-realm. "Do you remember someone named Veris from before you met Speed?"
"Yes," he replied, then hissed. "Him?"
"Fuck," Horatio muttered, walking off. "Let me warn Speed."
"He said he loves you two together. Said it suits you to be in love like I am."
Horatio turned to look at him. "He won't move against Speed?"
"He's actively warned people off coming to Miami ever again. Though he does think that Max's companies need to be taken down and wanted to know if Wade wanted to do that or if he should assign someone."
"I'll hand over what we know," Wade muttered, typing at the asshole. It was going to get him in trouble or noticed. Xander couldn't save him. Xander gave him a hug. "Anya is going to be pissed off."
Xander kissed him on the cheek. "No she won't. Because he's got contacts to get her job back if you want." He grinned. "She thinks we'd be hot together." He let him go. "Also, your file is now sealed. As far as the world is concerned, you're still dead. Just a ghost taking apart Max's old empire to make sure the minions are taken care of."
Wade smirked. "That's almost evil." He typed a new note and the guy agreed. He'd protect Wade as long as Wade protected Xander. He asked, the guy said he didn't want Xander. He admired Xander, he wanted someone like Xander, only female. He was not into guys, which was a pity, but he was working with that formula someone had come up with. "Formula?" Wade asked.
"Yeah, someone in some lab in Las Vegas, which is full of evil shits most likely, created the shot to make someone GHS."
"Why did I not hear about this?" Horatio demanded calmly.
"I had the fucking thing stolen and given to Greg," Xander said bluntly, staring at him. "Be damned if I want it in the open! The demon I had steal it also took the notes and may have eaten the researchers."
"Yeah, but this guy paid for it to be done so he had the reports," Wade admitted. He put his phone up. "He said it will not get into the open and it doesn't hold any hope for a cure either."
"I was hoping for that. Or at least a way to lessen it. Damn." Horatio stared at him. "I wouldn't mind being a lesser GHS, Horatio. It'd cause a lot less problems."
"Yeah but you dance and play cards better when you're a little bit backed up," Wade said with a grin. "They all noticed that." He looked at Jensen. "I'll need some hacking help. Want me to talk to your sister?"
"Hell no. I'll help. Even though it's weird."
"One less evil shit's plans going on," Xander quipped. "So, Horatio, we can't let Calleigh have these. They're too damn powerful and won't burn."
"What, exactly, do they do?" Horatio asked.
"Max called them totally environmentally friendly green bombs," Wade said. "You heard about that island in the Pacific that disappeared?"
"That. One did that."
Horatio nodded once. "Then I do not want them out of my hands. I trust you all but I want them in eye's sight."
"Clay wants the portal," Xander said.
"That is reasonable." He called someone. "Gibbs, tell me what you know about a sonic bomb called a snuke. Also, ask Greg if he has found anything on that formula and if he's told Adam."
Gibbs looked at Sanders. They were on a crime scene. "Horatio wants to know if you've found anything about that formula and if you've told Adam?"
Greg looked around, making sure it was just them and Ducky. "Someone made a GHS inducing shot," he mouthed. "I'm still working on ripping it down. Adam's getting briefed next month. I've told the rest of the research council and they're all freaking out. Is that Xander?"
"Sonic bomb," Tony said dryly. "People were worried after one was tried on an island. They're from India."
Gibbs repeated that and nodded. "The researchers are dead." Tony grinned. "Why do you want to know, Horatio?" He listened. "No, I'll be there as soon as humanly possible. It does not get out of your sight. Even if Wade, Xander, whoever is there, you keep an eye on it. I will get someone down there who can destroy them." He hung up and called Davis. "We have an issue. I need a major brain and you seem to hold most of them. To destroy some sonic bombs. Yes, like that one in the Pacific. Miami. Yes, he has them," he sighed. He nodded. "Please. Immediately. However. Horatio is there." He hung up. "I'll be back."
"Go," Tony agreed. "Poker debt?"
"Former renter," Gibbs said.
"Aww," Tony said. "Is he dead?"
"Not yet." He got zapped to Miami. "Huh." He looked around. "That's a neat thing. Saves on airfare." Davis and the huffy man with him looked at him. "Horatio?"
"Portal," he called, coming out. "Gibbs. Major."
"This is Dr. Rodney McKay."
Wade looked over. "Max had the hots over you so bad," he said. "Sonic bombs in a few different flavors?"
"Who created them?"
"Some Hindu guys, one was made by some people who wanted to stop the fighting in Kashmir. Some are Chinese." He smiled. "These all are and we can bring the rest out." He went to help Horatio heft and tote. Xander did too. Jensen watched. "Yo, hacker boy, get the rest of this stuff out of here so Clay can give it to Cougar." Jensen groaned but came to do that.
McKay looked over the first one. "This is insane."
Xander leaned over. "The explosive component is in the bottom center of the egg. About here," he said with a point. "The plans are in the box for that type. I don't think I have one for the snukes. The other type, I'm fairly certain I don't." He walked off again.
McKay looked at the plans. Those would be easiest to take apart and make safe for confiscating and transferring them to the SGC. "How powerful are these?" Wade found the video and showed him. McKay gaped, staring at him. Wade nodded. "Are they all this strength?"
"Basically. The one from China is supposed to cause more mess and leave more visible damage."
McKay looked at Davis. "That would be very mean if we used them on the beings I deal with daily." Horatio gave him a horrified look.
"They deal with a dangerous demon-like species that likes to eat humans," Xander told him. McKay gave him an odd look. So did Davis. Xander grinned. "I have contacts who know who you are, McKay. And where you are." He grinned. "He needs that energy metal, Major."
"I'm going to give it to him to experiment with. How did you hear that?" Xander walked over and pulled something off a shelf, holding it up. "There's a cross-realm market that hooks in there?"
"Yes, in two places." He smiled. "It's dangerous to get there though. One of them travels there, then to the market, where people buy things and bring it to the others, plus stories. The one with the braids? There's a few who managed to be found and moved to the market. They're in a few other ones as far as I can tell. Hey, Dthras!" he called. The pile of rocks looking DPP detective showed up. "Those guys from where Dr. McKay is working, can we help them get home?"
"We can," he agreed. "They're being helped by some of the empathic species and the coptic nuns that made Dean cookies. I'll have someone talk to them about it." He looked. "Those are very dangerous."
"That's why I brought him," Davis said with a smile and a handshake for him. "They can help them find a new home if you can get them back there."
"I can do so. Which place should they go?"
"Athos," Rodney said, looking at him. "What are you?"
He smirked. "Happy. Xander always cares about the needs of others." He disappeared.
"My ferret George used to belong to him until he decided I needed to adopt him," Xander told Davis with a grin.
"That's wonderful." He smiled. "Thank you."
"Not a problem. The one I know I've seen was miserable."
"We'll help where we can. Can we get the plans to the other ones?"
"That one's makers are dead," Wade said with a point. "Their spouses might have it."
Xander coughed and pointed. "I kinda had someone take them from the widows before someone else went after them. A couple of people in the Bazaar were thinking about taking their kids hostage until they handed them over. They're not complete as far as I could tell. It's mostly case schematics instead of internal workings. And yes, people thought about taking them from me until they got eaten."
"I wondered what happened to Phil," Wade muttered. Xander grinned. "Can we have the other stolen?"
Xander nodded, finding something and breaking it. The demon appeared. "Need another favor like the last one."
"I heard. I heard my name mentioned so I spied." He smirked. "That is very dangerous. The Chinese hate us more than most. It will be very costly."
Xander stared at him then took Jensen's knife and cut off about five inches of his braid, holding it up. The demon moaned. He walked into the portal, oozing his hormones so he could rub the braid in his sweat. He came back out. "Will that do?"
"That will be a wonderful accessory for my wife. We will gain much status. I will be able to breed many young."
Xander smiled. "You deserve to be driven nuts by having kids." The demon smirked at him. "Can you get it today? Hopefully before the Major and Doctor McKay leave? If not, give them to Horatio?"
"I can do that after I breed with my wife." He disappeared. That was a prize that even the highest of the high wanted and he had it. His wife was more than pleased and the scent sent her into heat, as he had wanted. It was a fast, hard mating that made her swoon. Then he went to steal the plans from the Chinese. He was quite proud of himself. He had even found two sets. So he took them both and then went back to mate with his wife again.
Xander looked at them, handing them to McKay. "Will that help?"
He looked and nodded. "That will definitely help. Thank you." Xander grinned.
Jensen looked out of the portal. "We need to air out the portal. It's to the point where I nearly screwed a gun."
Horatio snickered. "I doubt it's that bad." He went to help Jensen. He would not need to know how to disarm these things. He hoped.
Xander hopped up onto a case of weapons, looking at Wade. "His wife might make the High Council."
"It's a wonderful gift if you want kids."
Xander smirked. "Anya hates kids."
"You know, this means you can help me protect Miami too. We can protect kids and little old ladies and nuns."
Wade gave him a dirty look. "I'm not exactly the sort to protect little old ladies and kids, Xander. And all nuns are little old ladies." Xander smirked at him. "For that, I should have you teach Anya how to make fudge."
"I did that back in Sunnydale." He gave him a smug look. "I taught her to make cookies too."
"I've been the recipient of that one a few times."
"Yeah, that's called PMS. She makes them for her sweets craving."
"Good to know," he admitted. "Hold on, she's not having one."
"The pill can make it so you don't for months on end," McKay said patiently. "Do you two need a room?"
Xander shrugged. "I'm sure I'd get a good backrub from him but my boyfriends would be pissed off. So would his girlfriend."
"I do give really nice neck rubs." Wade gave him a smug look. "Anya knows that."
"I heard. Speaking of, Jensen, are we going to the spa again soon?"
"Next week, Xander. I'm helping my sister move this week."
"Sure. I've been practicing too."
"Good." He grinned. "You're still going to have to tell Clay you had those."
Xander looked at Wade. "What's that young thing that Anya's been teaching's name?"
"Can I borrow her?"
"She wanted to learn how to do sexpionage from her." He shrugged. "She's cute."
"Cool. Thanks." He grinned.
"I'm not telling Clay," Jensen called. "He'll kick my ass. You get to tell Clay, Xander."
"No one actually has to tell Clay."
Horatio looked at him. "Yes they do. Of course, I'll be informing Don and Danny." Xander huffed but nodded. "Be a good boy, Xander. Please?"
"I try very hard. I made sure no one else could get any of that."
"I approve of that. Thank you. Next time, tell me first?"
Xander shrugged. "It was going this time. Once I figured out who could handle it." Calleigh walked in. "I'm pissed off at you, you ruined Don's birthday present."
"What did I do?"
He stared at her. "Dean and I were tinkering."
"They're dangerous, Xander."
"No they're not. They're as powerful as a handgun is. No more tinkering in my stuff. I caught the other stuff." She glared. "Are you possessed?" She huffed off. "I wonder if that's a yes."
"No, I think she needs Anya's cookies," Wade said dryly.
"She might if you asked," Xander said dryly. "Then it would be up to Calleigh to say no."
Wade considered it. "Her boyfriend might kill me."
Xander stared at him then at Horatio. 'She's dating?"
"I think not," Horatio admitted.
"Some huge, tough guy," Wade said. "Sandy brown hair...."
Horatio pulled out his wallet and held up a picture. "Him?" Wade nodded. "He died years ago."
"I'm proof that they don't always stay dead," Wade shot back.
"True. I'll have to look into that. See what happened." Xander nodded quickly. "Do we think it was?"
"I don't know until I see him in person. He died right after we came down, right?" Horatio nodded. "That's an awfully long time. I'll check, definitely."
"Thank you, Xander. He was missed but not that way." He went back to helping move the weapons out of the portal. "I agree, we need to find some way to air this out."
"I didn't blast them that bad," Xander complained.
"Kid, I can smell them from here," Wade said. "You need to fix that shit."
"Overtime," Xander quipped dryly. "Don came home and collapsed in the car in the driveway last night."
"I'll offer to bend you over somewhere if it'll help," Wade said.
"They'd kill you," Xander said smugly.
"Yay! Jensen, make him go wear this shit out."
"Coming," he called, walking out and handing off the box. "C'mon, Xander." He led him off, taking him to do something strange to wear it out. He texted Danny that it was needed and Danny sent back that they had a problem so Xander went there. Jensen warned Danny when they stopped to pick up hunting supplies at a store Xander knew.
Xander walked into the station, seeing the spooked look. "That's why I'm here," he said dryly. "Lab?"
The receptionist nodded. "Ballistics, Xander."
"Cool. This is Jensen. One of the local team."
"We've met." She smiled at him. "Can you fix it?"
"We'll see." Xander walked up there, staring at the man glaring at the elevator. "Well, you're not one of us." He cast a small telling. "And you're alive, but possessed. Huh. Crappy plans they had. Frank, hold him for me please?" He went to make some holy water and came back, splashing him and Calleigh. She whimpered when he yelped. "Yeah, that's not going to work." He started on the exorcism he knew. Sam came jogging off the elevator to help him. "In the neighborhood?"
"Frank called us about someone reappearing from the long dead." Sam took the holy water to finish it for him. "Xander, still possessable." Xander huffed but moved and took Calleigh with him. She tried to get back. "Quit," Sam ordered sharply. "I need to concentrate." He went back over the exorcism. This time the demon started to come out. John was choking and gagging on it. Xander shot him with a bolt of energy, which made him heave it up faster so he wouldn't die again. Then he was panting, on his knees. Sam poured more holy water on him, not getting anything. Sam looked up. "Crappy plan of the higher ups."
Xander captured the demon essence and made it form a head. "What the fuck were you thinking?" he demanded calmly.
"We will have our leader," the demon sneered.
Xander stared at it. "You aren't tough enough to beat me. You won't get my students." The demon sneered at him. Xander walked closer. "You don't even know who I am, do you?" The demon shook his head. "I'm the White Knight of Sunnydale. Buffy's Xander. The Hellmouth Childe." The demon tried to get away. "Oh, hell no. We're going to talk. You're in *my* city bothering *my* pack. What were your plans?"
"I was going to leave that one and transfer to the rightful heir." He sneered at Sam. "Though he is unworthy of one such as me." Sam pricked his hand, showing off the healing. The demon wailed and screamed and ranted in the containment area.
"Yeah, bitch, it's not going to happen," Sam said, looking smug. "Me and Dean are very well protected now from all that shit."
"Enough swearing," Calleigh snapped.
"Bite me," Sam shot back.
Ryan walked out, shirt off, sword in hand. He stared at the demon, then turned slightly to show off his tattoo. "You are in the *wrong* city, demon."
Xander took off his shirt and undid the button on his pants. The tattoos showed above the gaping waistband. "Too true."
The demon looked from Ryan's mark to Xander's marks and whimpered. "The Old Ones have returned?" Xander smirked and nodded. "But.... They're supposed to be there, not here."
"They really like redheads there and Horatio got captured with us," Ryan said with a smug look. "Aren't you so glad?" The demon moaned, shrinking down to a smaller cloud with a head when a flash went off behind Ryan.
Ares looked at them. "I'm so glad I foresaw you two." He smirked at Xander. "He should see the rest."
"I'd need to change clothes for that." He smirked. "Or get naked and I doubt that'd be appreciated in the lab." He looked at the demon again. "It's already been a shitty day. You're going to get it. What plan by who?"
"We were to take over the Chosen One and then he'd lead us," the demon said.
"I hate being possessed and Dean would free me this time too," Sam quipped.
"If not, I sure as hell would," Xander promised, patting him on the arm. "He's a wonderful student." The demon exploded and dissipated. "Good." He smiled at Sam. "Thank you."
"Welcome." He looked at Hagen. "Yes, you're fully alive. We can figure out the rest later. You probably really want to drink yourself back to death right now." He looked at Xander. "Um... leaking hormones, dude," he said quietly then fled.
"I smarmed someone for a favor," Xander called after him, doing back up his pants. He looked at Ryan. "Horatio's at the warehouse with Wade and the Major from that program."
"Past renter's gifts," Jensen said. "We were going to fix his hormones again."
Danny walked around them. He sniffed Xander. "Pool." He smirked and nodded. "Then you can knock us out for dinner."
"What happened to your hair? That was Don's favorite band."
Xander looked up. "Can I have the hair clip back please?" It fell and he caught it. "Thanks." He tied back the end of the new braid. "Favor." That got a single nod. Xander took a quick kiss. "I'll be home in the pool. Come home sometime tonight?" He strolled off after kissing Ryan on the cheek. "Thanks for the backup, Ry."
"Welcome as always, Xander." He looked at Ares. "He's so backed up," he said quietly with a sigh at the end.
"Yes he is. Hopefully the pool will help cure that." He disappeared shaking his head.
Ryan got handed his shirt by Eric. "Thanks. Free show's over with, people." The rest of the lab's staff gave him an odd look. "Horatio's off confiscating weapons and Speed will be back any minute now." They fled back to work. He looked at Calleigh then at Eric, who nodded for him to leave them alone.
Eric watched Ryan walk off then looked at Hagen. "Yeah, things are just a bit more insane now."
"Who were those people?"
"Xander belongs to Danny and Don. Danny's one of us. Don's in homicide. Ryan is one of us now. Long story, Hagen." Speed came stomping off the elevator and stopped, giving them an odd look. "Sam and Xander got him unpossessed, scared the crap out of the demon after saving him, and left again."
"Uh-huh. Are we on tape?"
"No, Ares stopped them," Ryan called from his desk.
"Thank you, Wolfe." He looked at Hagen, then at Calleigh. "Put her down for a nap, John, and then you can yell and scream in autopsy three?"
"I can handle that," he admitted. He helped Calleigh into the break room and onto the couch. He even tucked her in then went down to the morgue to rant and scream in the sealed, biohazard autopsy room. Alexx gave him a horrified look so he shrugged. "I don't know."
Alexx went jogging up to the lab, finding Speed helping Calleigh rest. "What happened?"
"It was a demonic plan to take over Sam from what Eric told me. Xander scared the crap out of the demon so he fled. Calleigh's apparently seen him a few times and has been freaking out, which caused problems since she tinkered with some of Xander's weapons. He yelled at for it. Horatio's off helping disarm some pretty powerful things Xander got given. Calleigh's in shock. Hagen's in shock. I have no idea what the hell we're doing."
"I'll get him calmed down. You handle her." She went to calm John down, finding him staring at the drawers. "It's been over two years," she said quietly, making him flinch. "C'mon, I have some tea and coffee in my office." She walked him off, feeding him cookies and coffee. He used to have a sweet tooth. She could let him talk all he needed to.
Danny came home to find Jensen in the kitchen making coffee. "Pool?"
"Yup. How did he get that thing put in?"
"Cupid." Danny grinned. "We love that thing."
"You can hold a whole gay orgy in that thing. I know we didn't find it when we were here." He sipped his new cup, looking at him. "I'll make sure my niece never goes near that or the room of cocks."
"Probably a good idea, yeah." He went down to find Xander pleasuring himself. "We easier?"
"Nope." He smirked. "Not in the least."
"Hmm." He took a kiss. "I can see that you're happy." He reached down and unsnapped the cockring. "I don't think we need to play that game tonight."
"It's helping," Xander pouted.
"Yes, but it'll help more if you spurt instead of just getting off." He moved Xander to a different seat. "Sit on that one. It's like Don's dick."
"It's a little bit thinner."
"Hmm." Danny petted over the hair, watching as Xander pleased himself. It clearly wasn't enough this time. They needed some major playing time. Of course, he and Don were both exhausted, which was half the problem's cause. So they had to do something huge this time. Maybe the playing list? Ryan was tired too. Eric and Aiden were back together again and slightly happy at the moment. That would leave Dean and Sam, who probably wouldn't help. Though, Sam was backed up and Xander had the bad habit of setting off other GHS whenever he was too backed up. He heard Dean come in and went up there, finding Dean stinking like he was the level ten. "Are you backed up?"
"Clearly," he said bitterly. "I don't know why."
"That herby stuff?" Jensen suggested. "Or something like it maybe?"
"Maybe," Danny agreed. He saw a car pull in. "That's Jolene." Jensen jogged out to stop her. She didn't need smarmed with hormones. "He's in the pool."
"Not really into gay sex, thanks anyway," Dean said dryly. "I was gonna go find a woman and hit on her."
"We have a membership to a brothel," Don said as he walked in. "Because I'm backed up too and I can smell Xander." Dean groaned. "Change. Sam, change." They went to do that. "Xander, let's hit the brothel," he called. Xander came up naked and strolled to the bedroom. Don and Danny had to change too. Don called to warn Horatio then they left together in the SUV. All the cops in town knew it and knew who it belonged to. They also knew that if a GHS needed it that badly, this is where they went.
Horatio texted that information to Clay's phone to warn him. That way he could be listening in that direction. Wade got the same information. Clay shook his head. "Xander's so backed up from the overtime." Cougar moaned, shaking his head. "He's at the emergency backup plan brothel with the rest of the family. It sounds like he set off them too."
"Should we go watch?" Aisha asked. "Not literally but the brothel?"
"They have good security," he told her. "We checked them out. They're a decent, clean, damn friendly place. All the GHS in the city go there if they're too backed up and can't deal with it. They have special rooms with vents and things. Horatio said Dean's in the same state."
"Did someone maybe do it to them?" Cougar asked quietly.
"Maybe," Clay admitted. He sent a message to Jensen, who sent back they weren't sure but it might be. "Jensen said maybe. Dean and Sam are both backed up, so is Don. Xander was apparently in some pool we didn't find and it wasn't helping at all."
Cougar blushed, shaking his head quickly.
"I think someone found it," Aisha teased. Cougar nodded. "Good?" He looked at her. "Something I could use?"
"Probably." He looked at Clay. "Basement."
"We didn't look in the basement, thought it was only a half one and a storage area because they're not usually full ones in Miami." Cougar shook his head quickly. "What, his porn and sex toy stash?" he taunted with a smirk. "Maybe Jolene should go look." Cougar leaned over to hiss in his ear, making him shudder. "I think she might destroy that on him."
Cupid appeared, hair windblown, looking messed up. "Okay then. Yes, something did it to them. Yes they're no longer at the brothel. The brothel is no longer there. Yeah, it's a problem." He smirked at them.
"Let us get some weapons."
"Hell, bring Xander a sword? He thought he got rid of that one before." He handed one over. "From Pops." He disappeared and so did they. He pointed. "They're in there. Xander can get you home." Cupid disappeared again.
Clay, Aisha, and Cougar checked their weapons on the walk to the building. It was under a ten minute walk. It was a pretty building. It was full of people who were groaning, moaning, and clearly having a good time. Clay walked in first and looked around. "Shit, the kid must've let loose." They walked over the writhing bodies, heading to the main room. Don and Danny were trying to calm Xander down. "Hey." He tossed over the sword, letting Xander catch it with a feral smirk. "Cupid said you needed that?"
"I so need this, thank you." He turned and laid into the head succuba. It was not going to be pretty. The thing actually laughed until Xander started to cut it into pieces.
"Wow, and I thought Jensen losing it was bad," Aisha said in awe. She kicked at someone. "Not yours."
Don looked over. "This is one of the succuba and incubus realms. They're all very happy to see new faces."
"Not my style," she shot back. Don just smirked. She got away from the group trying to pull her down. Cougar had stomped on one hand that had tried him.
Clay was fighting hard not to get pulled down. "How can you tell the victims from the demons?" he called.
"We can't without holy water," Danny called back. They finally got free and walked over. Xander had taken the demon apart and was now kicking the tiny pieces. "Did you cut the amulet?"
"No." He found it and it flashed in his hand. "Stop it!" he ordered. Everyone stopped. "Disperse. Now!" They fled, leaving the victims. "That's how you tell the victims, Clay." He handed Aisha the amulet, making her swoon. "There, you can be head succubus for a bit." Xander set off his calling necklace for the DPP people, getting one he didn't usually deal with, who just sighed. "Fucker infected our hormones and made them surge," Xander complained.
"Clearly because you're more alluring than the scent from all of them." He looked around. "Thank you, Mr. Harris." Xander just grinned and they left together. He looked at the mess. "Have to find that amulet." He searched but nothing. "Shit, he must've kept it." He got his coworkers to come clean up the victims and went to search for it.
Aisha, realizing she was now horny for some reason, decided it was the amulet's fault and gave it to a gang kid she owed money to from a poker game. So now he was the head incubus. Well, let's hope he didn't have a family to take care of. The officer brought him back to the realm.
The twenty-three-year-old tough guy looked around, watching as the building changed some. "Shit, this is freakier than Harris."
"That thing you hold means you're the head incubus," the officer told him. The kid moaned, shaking his head. "You can appoint someone better."
"Will it give me cred?"
"It'll give you a lot of minions who'll want sex night and day." He took him to another realm they held, the club realm. The kid was probably more familiar with that style. The kid moaned, nodding. "It's yours if you think you can handle it."
Xander appeared, taking the amulet and breaking it. "If you do, you turn into me only worse. No chocolate, no candy, only sperm and dick."
"Not my scene," he said quickly, backing away.
"There are females," the DPP officer said grimly.
Xander smirked. "They won't do more than blow him too." He looked at the kid. "Want a lift home?"
"Please," he begged. "Before I'm turned out." Xander took him with him.
The officer looked at the broken artifact, then checked on the boy when a sudden idea hit him. Yeah, he was still the head incubus but he couldn't appoint new ones without physically blessing them. Huh. He went to report that to the higher ups so they could handle that and tell the kid themselves. Harris had interfered but they thought it was cute of him. Apparently the brat owed him money and hadn't paid in time.
Clay looked up as the young, tasty looking thing walked up to him. "What's wrong, Harriet?"
She slid into his lap with a purr, kissing him. "Anya said I was to come beg you for something and then tell you two things."
"I'm sitting right here," Aisha complained.
"Not like we're dating. You said so," Clay said smugly. "What did Anya want from me?"
"Well....." She played with his shirt's collar and gave him a smug look. "She won't share Wade and I need to know how to work the job when it's called for." She smiled. "I figured you'd at least been on the other side."
"A few times," he said smugly. "And done the job."
She kissed him again, smiling. "I was also supposed to tell you that the nice Doctor McKay from that classified program took all the nice sonic bombs Xander was removing for all our safety back to their mountain in Colorado so they could go off-realm or whatever. She said her contacts weren't sure what they do and she can't get Xander to tell her. Oh, and Mr. Hills is dead. Wade got him for Xander." She smiled. "Have I earned a reward?" she asked coyly.
"You sure have. Who else knew?"
"Jensen and Horatio oversaw all that going on. Xander's got some stuff hidden that's bigger in case, and no one can find it even if they're touching it."
"Hmm. Magically hidden?"
"Probably. Anya complained that he couldn't do that before but it was probably a good thing because whenever they fought, he hid her sex toys on her." She trailed a hand up his chest. "Would you be my teacher, Clay?" she asked, giving him the big eyed pouty look.
He smirked. "You're trying too hard."
She shrugged, giving him a coy look. "I know. But it's the only thing I know how to do."
"We can work on that with you." She grinned. "Even Aisha if you want."
Harriet looked at her then at Clay. "Anya's probably more fun."
"Possibly since she's slightly nympho."
"I've never been with a woman who could make me sore. She made me too sore to sit and that was just with oral sex. Xander taught her bad habits there."
"Yeah, he clearly did." He stood up and made her stand again too, making her grin. "We'll talk about what sexpionage actually entails."
"Cool!" She followed him.
Aisha growled. "Little tart." She looked across the building's pool at Jolene, Pooch, and the baby. Jolene was giving her worried looks. "She needs a teacher who can show her subtle," she called.
"Clearly," Pooch agreed. "Wasn't that Anya's toy?" Aisha nodded, sipping her beer. "Huh. Wonder if Wade knows."
"Harriet said she doesn't share him."
"Even better. Clay won't have to fumigate her," Jolene said, shaking her head quickly. "She needs to learn the art of the tease from Xander."
Pooch felt her forehead. "Have you had too much sun, baby?"
"No!" She swatted him. "Behave."
"I try so hard," he quipped.
She looked over her sunglasses at him. "Is that a fact?' she asked dryly. He smirked and nodded. "Then maybe I'll go swim before you make me sore." She got up and took the baby into the water. He loved it. He squealed loud enough to wake Cougar from his nap in his chair.
Aisha watched, shaking her head. She didn't understand kids at all. Or how Jolene could be so damn happy being a mother like that.
Xander smiled as Jensen and his niece walked out together. He opened the back door of the SUV. "In you get, young lady, and pull your uncle in with you. You guys can play the playstation on the way." He closed the door after they got in and walked around to drive them off.
"Did we find out where you go to get the uniforms?" Jensen asked.
"Yup. I asked Ray Junior. He said there's three possible shops. If not, we can day trip up there. It's only a thirty minute drive this time of day." He started the engine and drove off. "You guys can play the games, I don't mind."
Jensen smiled at his niece. "It'll be cool."
"This is wicked," she said, looking around. "Do you rent this for homecoming and things?"
"No, this is Xander's personal car. It's bulletproof and all that plus great on road trips." She laughed. "Seriously. He's driven to New York in it before." He grinned. "Excited?"
"Not really. I mean, new school, having to make new friends, all that."
"Ah, but there won't be hardly anyone there who isn't smart, like you are. So you'll have a lot more kids who are like you and no bullies."
"That might be nice." She snuggled into his side. "Is it a pretty campus?"
"It's so cool and the new house is only about ten blocks."
"So I can bike?" she asked.
"Probably. A lot of the kids do." He grinned. "Your mom said they even have a computer teacher there who also hacks so they can up your skills and keep you good there." He tweaked her ear. "You'll adore it." She grinned at him. "And now you know where I am. There's actually a county bus that goes out there."
"Even better." They stopped and got out, her looking around. "Oh, God, plaid," she moaned.
"There's a whole bunch of Catholic schools in the area," Xander assured her. The saleswoman smiled at them. "This is my buddy's niece. She's going to Verbana."
"That's wonderful," she promised with a smile for the young lady. "We have their whole line." She led them back to those racks. "Pants are allowed, unlike a few of the Catholic schools," she offered with a smile.
"And no plaid," she said happily.
"Only on the patch and the tie, dear." She showed those to her. "Now, what size are you?" Jensen looked at her shirt. She looked and found what they needed. "Do you want all pants or would you like a few skirts in case?"
"Mom said to get about a week's worth," she said. "We can get more later."
Xander coughed, waving a hand. "Get her two week's worth," he mouthed. She nodded and got everything, making sure the outfits all fit and were the proper length on the skirts. Xander handed Jensen a few bills when she was in the changing area. "That way she's cool. I know your sister's still looking for a full time job."
"Yeah, she was thinking about going back to computer repair."
Xander smiled. "Steve had an idea. It's in the back of the SUV for later." Jensen grinned. They liked Steve, he was practical. She came out and he tipped his head to the side. "Is it lopsided?"
"It can be when you have a problem with the zipper," the fitter said happily. She got it fixed and it fit better. "I think the skirts should be one size larger. It looks like you're about to hit a growth spurt, dear."
"Mom's going to freak at needing new sneakers."
Jensen snickered. "Don't you worry about that." She smiled. "Can they wear sneakers?"
"Black ones, tying ones only." He nodded. "They also allow loafers and other slip ons that have no heels."
"We can work on that," Jensen decided. His niece stared at him. "Not like I've been using my paycheck." She huffed. "You sound *so* much like your mother when you do that." He smirked. "My treat, my choice."
"Fine. Start me on a lifelong quest for shoes."
"I doubt you'll ever be that shallow, dear," Xander said. She giggled and went to change into the next size up. That fit better and the pants too. So they got all that. Jensen paid and they went to the SUV again. Xander looked at the saleswoman. "Hair rules? Do we know?"
"Up. No overly obvious, ribbony things but hair things in one of the matching colors. No scrunchies or anything too obvious."
"Cool. Thanks." He picked out some of those and a few headbands since she had longer hair. "The things your ex-girlfriend who was a cheerleader teaches you," he quipped, making her laugh as she rang him up. He took the change and walked out, handing Jensen the bag. "No obvious hair things, but school colors are fine." He got in to drive.
Jensen looked. "We totally forgot about the hair rules. Thanks, Xander."
"Welcome. I know in Ray Junior's school all the teachers were horrified I had long hair. The kids there had to have it trimmed pretty tightly." He pulled back into traffic. "Footlocker?"
"Bigger shoe place? We can get her good sneakers for soccer there."
"My cleats still fit," she said, patting his hand. "Really." He smirked and turned on the game, letting them play together for now. She was kicking his butt but she was younger so faster. Xander got them out at the mall and they walked inside. Xander went to the bookstore. "Shoe flashbacks?" he teased as Xander walked off.
"Yuppers. Being Buffy's appreciation committee gave me nightmares." Jensen cackled, taking her in to have her fitted for sneakers, and some nicer pull on shoes. Loafers were for the geekier kids than she was. They left and found Xander shirt shopping. So they went to help him. Jensen got a few new smartass t-shirts and she got one of her own proclaiming her Diva of Computer Geeks. She hugged him for that. They got something to nibble and went back to the car. The house was cooler than the sun today. Lots of shade. Jensen got her onto Xander's laptops to watch what she did with a problem he knew Xander was having. That fit well into her teaching.
Finally she got tired and they left, going back to the SUV. Xander got in to drive and then turned off the engine. "Guys, I think one of the ferrets ran behind the car."
Jensen got out to look. "Hubert?" he called. The dragon came jogging out. "Is that yours?" He sniffed then shook his head. "Huh. Find me any others?" Hubert found him two more. "Thanks, dear. Watch them for us and daddy will be home soon." Hubert ran back inside and shut the door.
Xander took the ferrets to put in his lap. "Hi, wiggly ones. Thanks, Jensen."
"Welcome." He got back into the back. Xander backed them out of the driveway.
Xander paused by the gate guard shack. No guards. He honked and one came jogging over. One of the new guys, who wasn't really bright. "Is one of the older guys here?" Xander asked.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Harris?"
"Yeah, I found someone's pet and most of the older guys have been in the houses so he'd know who they went to."
"That's fine." He called one of them and they came zipping back on the golf cart. Xander handed down a ferret. "We have another ferret keeper?" the young one asked.
The older one smiled. "Yes, Judge Hendrick's daughter has three." Xander handed over the other two. "They've got to be hers."
"They ran behind my car," Xander said.
"I'll make sure, Xander. Thank you."
"Welcome." He smiled. "Hubert didn't want to adopt more." He shrugged and drove off. The young guys would learn to be more proactive and more uptight about letting people into the gated community they lived in soon enough.
The guard smiled. "C'mon, I'll introduce you, kid." The younger guard got in and they zipped off to check on her. They found her mother holding a sobbing girl. "Mr. Harris has to rescue these three darlings when they ran behind his car," he said, holding one up. "He said Hubert wouldn't adopt them."
"Oh, thank you!" the daughter squealed, pouncing them to hug. "You got my Eeny, Miney, and Mo back!" She hugged them. "I don't know how they got out."
"I figure it's where the dryer got removed and the vent hose is still open," her mother sighed. "They do love tubes." Her daughter grinned at her. "Put them in their cage." She jogged off to do that. "Thank you, gentlemen."
"Not a problem, ma'am. You know Xander takes good care of his pets."
"I do. Pity about his dogs though." They both nodded. "I hope they find something sweet soon." She smiled and let them drive off. She went to check on her daughter. She was brushing Eeny. "Dear."
"I'll put them back once I brush them, Mother. They need it. Xander brushes his every week."
"I'm sure he does." Her daughter finally put them all back and made sure they had food, water, treats, and litter. "We'll have to tell your stepfather the good news."
"As long as he doesn't threaten to use them to bait alligator traps again," she huffed.
"I'm sure it was a joke. Otherwise I'll let that nice Don arrest me after I beat him for you." She smiled and nodded, heading to the kitchen with her mother for a snack.
Jensen walked into his apartment carrying most of the bags. And a folder. "Here we are." His sister stared at all the bags. "Not like I use my paycheck," he said dryly. He kissed her on the cheek. "She's growing again too."
"I'm so glad I don't look like that girl you were watching dance the other day on tv," his niece quipped.
"Me too." He handed off the folder to his sister. "Go put it up." She took them in there to do that. He flopped down with a sigh. "I taught her about software problems too."
"Thank you. What's this?"
"An idea Steve had."
She looked it over. "Building specialty systems that are secure?"
"Pieter could use that," he quipped. "So could Xander sometimes." She looked at him. "He's had a few who tried to hack him."
"The head retrieval guy?"
"Yeah, his son went looking for porn."
She nodded, going over the idea and outlines. "It's an interesting one."
"Think about it. Let them know." He smiled as his niece bounced back out to show off her uniform. "Hair up." She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, getting a nod from her mother.
"How do I look?"
"Less dorky than I would." She gave her a hug. "You look good in those colors." She went back into the bedroom to change back and came out to bounce around with her uncle and mom. They needed to get out and do things. They were being *adults* again.
Jensen walked out the door. Today was moving day. His sister's house had been closed on. They could move them up there today. He closed his door, turning to lock it, and found a set of keys taped to it. "Thanks, Clay," he called.
"Welcome, kid. All the stuff that got shipped is already in there." He leaned over the railing to look down at them. "They were happy enough to unpack for another two hundred." He smirked. "Keeps you from killing your back before the barbeque this weekend." Jensen's sister grinned at him. "Have fun rearranging."
"Sure will," Jensen's niece quipped happily. They walked off together. It was the easiest move they had ever seen. "I didn't know you could have the moving guys unpack things."
Jensen nodded. "There's one that'll pack up military families from their base houses, move their stuff, and unpack it in the new house for them. It's expensive but really handy for overseas moves." He got them into the jeep he had bought, handing his sister the keys with a grin. "I heard the guys who moved Xander's bed had to be paid extra."
"I bet. That thing is huge and has to be heavy."
"They can't shift it at all," Jensen agreed. He started the engine and drove them off. "It's nice Harriet put Clay in such a good mood." His sister cackled. "It is."
"It is," she agreed. It was a nice day for a drive. She turned on the radio and it was a good day. They could handle Florida. Even if there were gangs in Miami. "Did Xander say something about us?"
"Yeah, he told the poker buddies that you were like family to him. That way they wouldn't come near you guys."
"Good. I like that. It's sweet."
Jensen grinned. "If he wasn't gay I'd set you two up."
"Please don't. I don't need a man right now. Especially not one with hair longer than mine."
Her daughter snickered. "He has some really great hair things too."
"I think half of Miami wants Xander's hair," Jensen admitted. "That's why so many of them play poker with him. They're just too chickenshit to say it." He pulled onto the highway and sped up. This was a nice drive.
Another beautiful day in Miami.
to next story
back to index