Girlish Figures.

Gibbs looked at his diminished team.  Kelly Standa, or Stan Kowalski as the case may be, had finally gotten to go home.  Right when they needed a female operative.  He looked at Ziva, she was much too tough, then he looked at Tony, who started to shake his head.  "I know you know someone who could go out for us," he said firmly.

"I do but why can't Ziva?"

"This person is going after servicewomen in some very sophisticated bars.  If Kate was still here, I'd have sent her, DiNozzo.  Officer David is not the sort of cultured we need this time."

"We might be able to borrow Calleigh," McGee offered.  "She's very cultured and very Southern Belle whenever she wants to be.  I think Stella could probably play it if she wanted to, boss," he said at the grimace.

"No, they're both overloaded.  I talked to their bosses first.  They suggested we run a quick clinic for Ziva."

"I can act well enough in polite society," Ziva defended.  "I was taught how."

"Ziva, these people are the ones who run in Polite Society, in caps.  The people who dine with the president for the joy of his company," Tony said grimly.  She shuddered.  "Exactly.  So you'd be there ten, twelve times, in that environment, and have to act appropriately.  Even Kelly couldn't have pulled this off.  Maybe if Ducky could take her the first few times, boss?"

"He'll have to take whoever anyway," Gibbs assured him.  "Do you know someone or don't you, DiNozzo?"

"That comes with problems, boss.  Major problems," he said firmly, staring him down.

"I'm not asking you to get stuck to them," he retorted.  "Just find some way around it.  You used to run in those circles."

"I did and I do know someone," he sighed.  He knew he would do anything for Gibbs.  "It's still gonna take me two days to work on it.  I've got to find them."

"Fine," he agreed, nodding.  "That works.  Let me know as soon as you do."  Tony groaned and flopped down behind his desk again.  He gave him a look. "It'll be fine."

"Can't we use the former director?"

"No, she'll try to escape and I want her in that cell awaiting trial," he said firmly.  Tony groaned and nodded, going off to find his things.  "Thank you."

"You owe me, Gibbs, so majorly your life isn't enough," he shot back.  They shared a look over the top of the section dividers.  Gibbs nodded that he did.  Tony left once he was in the elevator.  He landed in Danny's apartment, heading for the spare room and the stuff leftover from their school days.  Stella walked in.  "Looking for something," he offered.

"Can I help?  Danny never talks about that stuff."

"That's because he's got it blocked."  He pulled out a smaller trunk and put it aside, then a larger one.  "Sure, come help.  Did Gibbs talk to you about our case?"

"Yup.  Ooooh, you're going to do what we did to Stan?"

"No.  That doesn't work well on me."  He dug into the small trunk, coming up with a jewelry box.  "These were what we made to take the place of that method."  He pulled out two and a half pairs of earrings.  "Speed let Danny lose one of his."


"Danny's attention ran off after a few hours.  Don't ask.  He makes a pretty girl but not that much."  He bounced his in the palms of his hands.  "Mine are almost fully uncharged.  It'll take days to recharge them."

Speed walked in and put something in front of him.  "Since my parents only took my bike and my books, Horatio had the rest in his garage.  Found those."  He looked at him.  "Are you going to be okay with this?"

"Hell no," he said firmly, staring at his best friend.  "I hated this. Especially after I got stuck that time.  Can you go?"

"I don't know.  We could do it to Ryan.  He'd look cute in Danny's disguise."  Stella giggled at that. "He would."  He looked at Tony.  "I made extras, remember?"

"I can see that."  He touched them.  "Should I go as you?"

"Might look odd since you're taller."  He pointed at Tony's emeralds, they matched his eyes.  "Those were yours, DiNozzo."

"Remember when we freaked my father out during that sudden trip?"

"Oh, I do.  I remember doing the healing spells on him as well since the nurse said we had done it maliciously."  Stella looked at him.  "The month we did these, his father decided to show up without warning to make sure his son was doing things properly.  Well, dear old dad caught us mid-change and caught Tony actually changing from being a girl back.  He was naked at the time, we were hurrying out of the clothes we had been wearing and into our own again because one of the kids saw him walk in the door.  He freaked," he said with a small, evil smirk.  "We're talking freaked so badly he shrieked and had a coronary.  The nurse decided we had been malicious so we learned the healing spells that day and night."  She patted him on the leg.  "Not our fault.  He always announced it before."

"Someone wrote him and told him I was sleeping with some unacceptable girl," Tony told him dryly. "That's why my mother said he showed up.  Did you know he never told her?"

"Doesn't really surprise me," Speed offered.  "He was probably ashamed you did that."

"Why did you do that?" Stella asked.

"To go spy on the girls in the quidditch changing room," Tony said, then he gave a small shrug.  "It was easier that way and we didn't get into trouble.  We pretended to be a year younger and in whichever house we weren't in.  It worked very well."

"That was before we started sleeping around," Speed sighed, smirking at Tony.  "That was our freshman year, right?"  Tony nodded.  "Yeah, we started to sleep around the next year.  Gods we created pretty hell."

Danny walked in.  "What are we doing?"

"Gibbs needs a high class female to go lure a rapist," Tony said grimly.  "Stella and Calleigh are overloaded. Ziva's too crass.  Guess who he picked."

Danny looked at him, then shuddered.  "Eww."

"I was thinking Ryan would look great in your former disguise," Speed offered.

Danny looked at him then pulled his wand and changed Speed into a dog, rolling up a newspaper for a portkey and sending them both to Horatio.  "So," he said dryly.  "Does this mean Stella's gotta help you shop for girl stuff?"

"Let's see what I look like first," he offered, taking the most charged pair and putting them into his ears.  He slowly changed, then he felt the barrier be reached.  He pulled his wand and cast the changing spell, linking it into the earrings.

Stella looked at the pretty brunette in front of them.  Slightly curvy.  Good, fit body.  Some muscles.  Definitely needed to shave.  "How long before you're finished?   Your muscles show through."

"They will," he agreed.  "Then again I'm supposed to be a servicewoman."  He shrugged and stood up, looking at himself.  He and Danny charged the earrings better and he finished shifting slightly.  "There, better."

"Not what I'd expect but we can work with it, Tony.  Go shave.  Everything."

"Must I?" he complained.

"Yeah, the military has shaving rules," Danny reminded him.  "One of the reasons I didn't go."  Tony huffed off to use Stella's electric razor.  "We were geekier as freshmen, now he can play off the muscles as being part of his PT training."

"True, and a push-up bra will do wonders for the small breasts he's got."  They shared an evil look.

"I heard that," Tony called.  "High class, not hooker!"

"Sure," she agreed.  "I wanted to go shopping for a few new bras today anyway."  She went to get her things and handed Tony a skirt so he could get used to it again.  Then they went together.  It was nice having a shopping buddy.  Now they'd have to get Danny into his set to see what he looked like.

Tony looked at her and pulled out his wallet, unhiding a picture to show her.  "That's why we thought you were Speed," he said dryly.

She looked and burst out laughing.  Speed could've been her sister.  Danny was a leggy blonde with a nice set.  Tony still had small breasts even then.  She handed it back with a smile.  "Think we can get him into it for kinky sex games?"

"Danny said he'd never do it that way when we suggested it once in our senior year, when we were all girlfriendless and miserable.  They were mad at us."  He got her into the cab and followed.  "Her choice," he told the cabbie, noticing his voice was still lower than it should be.  "By the end of tonight it'll be fixed," he offered quietly.

She nodded. "Good.  We can use that time for practice."  He groaned but nodded.  "Think about it as another undercover, dear."  She patted his thigh.

"I do but Gibbs so owes me," he muttered.  She nodded.  "I should stick him in a set," he complained.  She smirked at that and he caught the evil look.  He gave one back.  "Not a bad idea."  She cackled and he hugged her. "I knew you were the perfect student for us, baby."

"Thank you, Tony."  They got out where they needed to go, handing the cabbie enough money, and went inside to bra shop.  She found a saleswoman and pointed at Tony.  "She's got to go out tonight.  She's hopeless.  Fix her?"  The saleswoman looked Tony over.  "She's a servicewoman."

"I'm in the Marines," Tony said demurely, smiling a bit.

"I'm sure we can make you beautiful tonight.  Where are you going?"

"To some high class politician's bar in DC."

That got a nod.  "Then we can definitely dress you up, my dear.  Come with me.  Your friend can browse."

"I had the washer eat a few of mine anyway," Stella noted, heading for her usual style.

Tony was led to look at a few, finding some that did make him look more attractive and less manly.


Horatio looked at the dog that landed beside him and the newspaper.  Then he took a good look at the dog.  "Were you naughty, Speed?" he asked quietly, picking him up to look at him.  Speed growled.  "Uh-huh.  Should I smack with the paper?"  He could feel Danny had sent him so he sent him a thought about why.  He got back that Speed was giving out evil thoughts and he was a bad dog.  To smack him.  Speed groaned at that.  He put him down and walked him away from everyone else, changing him back.  "No more sudden trips."

"Not like I wanted to do that this time," he complained.  "Danny changed me."

"I know he did, Speed.  He told me why too."  He gave him a look and headed back.  "Don't do that to Eric."

"I was thinking about Ryan actually," he admitted, coming out to help.  He had been bored on his day off anyway.

Alexx looked at him.  "You were thinking about doing what?"

"Disguise spells," he said dryly, smirking at her.  "On Ryan."

"Don't do that to him.  He's just a poor little boy."



He shrugged and grinned.  "I'll have fun.  Besides, Eric doesn't mind helping me pick up women."

"Do not," Horatio warned.  "Remember, we do go on ID's, Speed."

"Yes, Horatio," he sighed.  That just meant he had to be a bit more sneaky....


Tony's change finished during dinner and he groaned, clutching his stomach.  "I hate that part."

"How much changed?" Don asked.

He looked at him.  "Go put on some of mine, Don."

"No thanks," he said quickly, stuffing his mouth.  He sent a thought at Mac, offering it to him.

Mac glared at him.  "For that, you can watch tonight and not have any."

"Hmm, that's a very girlish response, Mac," Stella teased.  He glared at her too.  She just grinned back.  "I've had a good day."

"I'm sure you have," he said dryly.  "I didn't."

"Sorry."  She hugged him.  "We'd never do that to you, Mac.  I promise we won't."  He huffed but let it go.  "Did Horatio spank Speed for his thought?"

"Nope," Tony said, winking at her.  He finished up and went to clean up then headed to Gibbs' house, scaring the shit out of him when he appeared.  He glared at his boss.  "You owe me so deeply I'm going to bury you long before you pay me back."

"You're cute," he offered.

"I can still hit you too, boss."

"Sure you can."  Tony slugged him, making him step back and hold his lip. "Okay, so you can still hit in that form.  Even better, DiNozzo.  Now, go get Ducky to help you fit in."  He looked her over.  "You do look good in that."

"Yeah, and I'm going in as a trannie Marine," he said dryly, stomping off.

Gibbs watched him go.  He'd get him for that in the morning because he knew better than to mess up a woman's hair; he didn't want that migraine again.  He knew this was not going to be a fun assignment by the way the glass in his door cracked when Tony slammed it shut.  Even his exes hadn't managed that one.  Maybe he'd call Messer tonight and see if he should watch out for anything when Tony was like this.  Better yet, he'd call Speed.  Danny might pick on the poor guy.  He was like that.


Speed finished working on the new ID, printing it off and using the small laminator he had stored to finish it off properly.  Then he gathered up the present he had been working on all day.  The suitcase was easily taken with him.  He cast a scrying spell on Ryan's room.  He was out like a light.  Good.  Speed popped into his living room, pausing to listen.  Ryan shifted but didn't get up.  He cast a wanded muffling charm, knowing Ryan would feel wandless magic and wake up.  He snuck up the stairs, casting a sleep charm when he saw him reaching for his bedside table.  He smirked and hurried in, packing all of Ryan's boy clothes into the bottomless suitcase and putting the girl clothes in there instead.  Then he carefully put the earrings onto him and linked them into Ryan's powers.  Then he giggled and disappeared.  Ryan would wake up when his alarm went off.  It was his best prank in years!


Ryan woke up and rubbed his eyes, looking around his room.  Something seemed off.  Something was different.  There was magic floating around that wasn't his.  He carefully felt the magic. It was wanded.  He couldn't tell whose though.  He got up and went into the bathroom, going to start his morning process.  He'd think after he woke up in the shower since it hadn't been chaos magic or harmful magic.  He walked past his mirror then backed up to look again.

Then he woke his neighbors with his scream.

He sat down and called Horatio.  "Someone with a wand broke in and changed me," he said hotly.  "I'm a girl!" he screamed.  "I know I'm not naturally one," he assured the tolerant voice.  He found his ID, it had changed.  "Did I miss a memo, Horatio?  Even my ID has been changed."  Horatio promised to be right there, to calm down and use his magic to find the spell on him.  He hung up and went to shower, thinking in there.  The water helped him focus, he knew how his body reacted to water.  He knew it was on his head.  On his ears.  He felt, he didn't feel anything there.  Something was hidden but he didn't know what.  He came out and went to look in his closet, sneering at the girl's clothes in there.  "Someone is going to pay," he decided, pulling out the female version of his usual pants and sweater vest with a nice shirt underneath it.  He looked at himself.  "I look like a librarian," he groaned, going to find underwear.  He had forgotten to put any on and it was more important in a skirt and when you had breasts.  His underwear had been changed over too.  He picked up a thong on one fingertip, looking at it. "If this was Delko, I'm so killing him," he muttered, putting it back.  All thongs.  He snarled and pulled that one out, putting it on under the skirt.  Then he found a bra.  Definitely not his usual sort.  Push-up bra no less.  He undressed and put it on, going to answer the door like that when it was knocked on.  Horatio stared, then blushed.  "Oh, get over it!  It's still me," he snapped.

"Mr. Wolfe, I know you're under a lot of stress," he offered, glaring at him. Ryan huffed off again.   "I haven't seen Calleigh do that in months," he noted, following him into the apartment, closing the door behind him.  He cast the forensics spells, coming up with something. Looks like he and his second needed to have a discussion about his playful nature after all.  He saw Ryan come out.  "I speak as the brother-in-law of a cranky woman.  You'll want something so your thighs won't rub and chafe," he offered.

"I am not wearing pantyhose," he growled.

"Then don't.  You'll still be irritated later.  I would suggest some lotion and possibly shaving in that case."  Ryan looked down and whimpered.  "Go do that.  I know it was someone in the labs."

"Did Delko do this to me?  I know he hates me but really!" Ryan complained.  "It's not my fault you replaced Speed with me when he died!"

"It's not," he agreed.  "This had nothing to do with that.  This is a prank," he assured him.

"They changed my ID, Horatio!"

"The more thorough the better the prank," he assured him.  "Go shave or put on pants."

"I can't, all my pants are missing and all I have are skirts.  Some shorter than this one."  He stomped off again, going to do that.  He came out after he had shaved and lotioned the new razor burn, stomping out in the heels he had found.  He nearly turned his ankle on the stairs.

"Slow and calm down," Horatio ordered quietly.  "Before you kill yourself."  Ryan took a calming breath.  "Now, eat and we'll go in, Mr. Wolfe."

"Shouldn't I be Miss Wolfe?" he asked bitterly, heading for the kitchen.

"Not at the moment."  Ryan's house elf squealed from in there and came running out.

"Scrubby, did you see anyone in here last night?" Ryan asked.

"No, Scubby go visit with other house elfs," he said, looking miserably.  "Scrubby failed master."  He started to bang his head.

"I said not to do that," Ryan said firmly.  Scrubby stopped.  "I also said you could go visit the other house elves.  It's not your fault someone wanted to prank me."  He sipped his morning coffee, then fixed a very quick breakfast.  He grabbed his new ID, showing it to Horatio.

"They were thorough."  He looked at him.  "Would you like the day off?"

"No, I want to face down whichever bastard did this to me and beat the shit out of them in the lab," he said firmly.  "But so help me God, if Eric Delko hits on me, I'm punching him."  He walked out, tripping again.  He figured out how to walk in the heels by the time he got down to the hummer, letting Horatio get in to drive.  "Can we figure out how long this'll last?"

"Until whatever is holding the spell is off you."

"They're on my ears. I can't feel anything but the spell."

Horatio looked and nodded.  "They're hidden.  Very well hidden."

"I noticed someone with a wand had been in there."  He gave him a hurt look.  "I like you guys."

"I know.  It was a very mean prank and we'll get him back, Ryan.  I promise you we'll get him back."

"Which means it was Speed," he said dryly.

"It was."


"He came up with the idea yesterday after Tony had to pull out some old disguise spells for an undercover.  That's why he got sent back as a dog yesterday."

"He's going to be a beaten puppy today too.  I will put these size ten heels up his ass for this.  Just please, keep Eric from hitting on me?"

"I'll do my best."  He drove them to work, mentally yelling at Speed over the link.  They got out and Frank stared.  "No, Frank."

"New tech?"

"I'm in as a temp," Ryan said with a forced smile.  "Not my idea."   He just nodded at that so Ryan walked on, going to hopefully find Speed.  If not, Alexx.  She would help him torture Speed.  He knew she would.

Frank looked at Horatio.  "Is she related to Wolfe?  She looks just like him."

"His sister, Frank."  He walked up to his office, mentally ordering Speed to be there when he got there.  He found Eric smiling and chatting with the 'new girl' and walked over there. "Not now, Eric."

"It's nice to see new people and if Wolfe's family is coming into the lab, it might make him happier."

"I know that.  She's in to intern today, Eric.  So we're needed in the office."  Eric shrugged and walked off.

Calleigh looked at them.  "Oh, honey, you need to change shoes.  Those'll never do in the field.  You're have swollen ankles within an hour."

"All I had in the closet," he admitted bitterly.

"If you decide to go into the field, invest in some nursing shoes.  They're really good."  She patted her on the arm and grinned.  "It's nice to have another female in the field with me.  It's lonely being the one to kick Eric's butt for making girl jokes.  Watch out for that.  He's a bit of a playboy."  She just nodded.  "I see you've met Eric.  Okay.  Horatio, Speed's lurking somewhere and hiding."

"He'll be in my office by the time I get up there or he's going to have the worst day in existence," he assured her.  He walked Ryan into his office, finding Speed tied in there.  "Who tied you up?"

"Abby.  Tony sent her down because he said I was mean."  He looked at Ryan.  "This way you get to see what they really think about you."  He changed to his cat form and got free, then back up, looking at him.  "You were worried about your place in the lab.  Now you'll know."

"You weren't doing it because of that.  You probably went home and masturbated to it," he said bitterly.

"Not my type, Wolfe.  Now, Danny in his disguise, that's my type.  You're a bit too good of a girl for me."  He gave him a look, then a smirk.  "Besides, think of all the hell you can get on Eric."

"I don't want to do that."

"Give it a day," he said, staring him down and smirking evilly.  "I could use the help."

"No.  No no nonononono!  Take it off."

"No.  I've got today off.  I've already been approved.  Have fun with that!"   He smiled and disappeared.

"Shit!" Ryan muttered, glaring at Horatio.  "Can I kill him again?"

"No. Leave him to me, Ryan."

"I want to watch."

"You'll get to see it," he promised.

"Good."  He looked at his shoes, then back at him.  "She's right.  Can I wear the sneakers from my locker?"

"Fine."  Ryan went to get those from his locker, running into Frank again.

"Leaving already?"

"Going to borrow Ryan's running shoes.  These were all I had and I've been told I can't work in them."

"Probably true.  Looks like they'd hurt after a few hours.  Then again I think most women's shoes would hurt after a few hours.  So, what was Ryan like when he was younger?"

"A bit uptight.  Slowly going insane," he offered, feeling really weird.  "How is he doing here?"

"Okay.  He's had some rough spots but he's a good CSI.  Most of the time.  Half his rough spots were his own making but he's learned better since then."  She just nodded at that.  "He told you?"

"Yup, and then he went home and hit his head on the walls."

"Ah.  Well, at least he's learned better."  He patted her on the shoulder.  "Go change shoes.  There's likely to be a body call anytime soon."  He walked off, going to talk to Horatio about his last case.  He found him watching and watched her disappear into the locker area.  "Is she gonna be okay?  She seems kinda delicate and unsure."

"She's fine, Frank.  That's why she's an intern."  Horatio looked at him.  "Ryan will be back tomorrow I'm sure."

"Where is he?"

"Out of town on a personal matter.  He didn't want to get in her way."

"That's a nice thing for a sibling to do," he agreed, grinning.  "Do we have a suspect yet?  That file is growing dust."

"I'm trying, Frank.  It's not happening very quickly."

"Fine.  Make me pout."  He smiled at Calleigh as she came up to them.  "Hi, pretty one."

She pinched him on the arm but smiled. "I'm more than just a pretty face, Frank.  Where's the new girl?"

"Borrowing Ryan's running shoes."

"Probably a good idea.  Where is Ryan?"

"That's his sister so he's out of town to give her a clear day of interning without him hovering or helping her any."

"That's a wonderful sibling," she agreed, smiling when Ryan came back.  "Hi again.  Those will be a lot more comfortable.  What's your first name?"

Ryan paused.  "Renee.  I don't use it much though.  Mostly I've gotten into the habit of being 'Wolfe' anymore."

"Yeah, some teachers are like that," she offered.  "Then again, they couldn't figure out how to pronounce my last name so I got to growl it at many teachers."  She smiled.  "So, who's she going with, boss?"

"You, Calleigh.  I don't want her working with Eric and Speed's off today," he said calmly, looking at Ryan.  "If that's all right?  I've got a day in the lab for Frank."

"Whatever's fine," she agreed dryly.  "Can I go say hi to Alexx?  Ryan's said a lot about her," he offered with a grin.

"Sure, I can take you down there," she promised, walking him down to the morgue, chatting happily about her brother and what he had been up to.

Ryan did learn a lot from her about how she thought of him.  He grinned and winked.  "Let me go surprise her.  I'm doubting Ryan even mentioned me.  We're not real close."

"That's fine.  Come back upstairs and to the same hallway but head to the south corner from there.  That's where I'll be."  He nodded she walked off, happy with the new intern.

Ryan walked into the morgue and watched Alexx work for a minute, then came over.  She stared at him, frowning.  "Ryan said he was an only child," she said finally.

He smiled and moved closer, whispering in her ear.  "I am, I'm going to kill your other son."

"Oh, damn, baby," she said, pushing him back to look at him.  "He did what?"  She nodded.  "Uh-huh.  Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?"

"Surprisingly enough, yes," she admitted, looking him over.  "The running shoes were a good idea."

"All I had were heels in the closet and skirts, Alexx.  Someone had bad taste.  They put thongs in my drawer and push-up bras."

She stroked his cheek. "I'll help you however I can, sweetie.  Now, he never mentioned your name to me?"


"Renee then," she agreed, smiling at that.  "You think well on your feet, remember that.  We'll talk to your big brother in a few hours."

Ryan nodded.  "I'm thinking cattle prod.  You?"

"He'd know something was up then.  Who else knows?"

"Horatio.  He came to drive me in this morning."

"He'll have it well in hand," she assured him.  "Trust Horatio to know what needs to be done."  He nodded at that.  "Good girl," she said with a wink.  "Who are you stuck with today since I'm assuming you're in as an intern."

"Calleigh.  She said a lot of nice stuff about Ryan."

"I'm sure she did."  She patted him again.  "Eat lunch with me if you can, baby.  Now, go back to work before Horatio has to get mean and snarl.  Also, watch out for Eric."

"We chatted pleasantly already.  He was very nice so far."  He walked out, going back to ballistics.  He found Eric in there with her.  "Am I working with both of you today?"

"No, he came to nag for reports," she admitted.  She smiled.  "Eric, did you meet Renee, Ryan's sister, yet?"

"I had and she seemed very nice," he agreed, grinning at her.  "Where is your brother?"

"Out of town on personal business to give me a clear day," she admitted, moving closer.  "Can I help?"

"No, honey, an intern's job is to watch and soak up stuff," Calleigh reminded her.  She handed over what she had.  "Murder weapon, wounding weapon.  Second wounding weapon.  Fingerprints had a go at both of them," she finished.

"Thanks, Calleigh."  He grinned at both of them.  "Maybe you'll get to come out on a case with me later."  He walked off, going to fingerprints.

Calleigh looked at the door then at Ryan.  "What the hell is going on?"


"Oh, no," she said.  "I've seen your personnel file by accident."  Ryan closed the door and nodded.  "When?"

"Last night.  Alexx and Horatio know."

"Sure.  You can play intern today all you want, Ry."  She smiled at that.  "We'll be fine and get him back."

"Horatio said he would."

"Even better.  Where is he?"


"Huh."  She shook her head. "Let's hope he's not doing something stupid."

"No, if he is, it'll break," he assured her.  "Probably at the worst moment when there's a camera around."  He glanced around then moved out of sight, adjusting his bra.  "How do you guys wear these?"

"I don't wear those.  I wear comfortable things.  You can tell who picked those out."


"Yup."  They shared a look.  "What is he doing?"

"Undercover," he said grimly.  "The same way."

"Hell.  Well, at least you're not alone.  We'll help you, Ry.  I promise."

"How did you know?"

"You never said anything when I mentioned Ryan had some troubles."

"Frank said the same thing."

"Well, you did kinda make some of your own problems there."


"I know.  It's a newbie thing.  We all had those problems at least once."  She patted him on the arm.  "Now, come help me."  He came over to help her.  It was his case after all.


Horatio looked up as Ryan came up with case files for him to sign.  "Have a decent day?"

"More or less.  A lot of people wanted to talk to me about Ryan and a few were wanting me to get him psychological help for his OCD and control issues.  Some of the other ones wanted me to get him fashion help."  He frowned. "I like my sweater vests."

"If you're comfortable, they're better than Speed wore for nearly a year," Horatio said blandly.  "He went grunge for a year."

"Valera said half the time I looked like a reject from Miami Vice."

Horatio smirked.  "You don't want me to answer that allegation."

"Fine.  Does that mean..."

"You're presentable, you're clean, and you're comfortable.  That's all I care about."

"Thank you."  He closed the door and looked at him.  "Any luck getting Speed back here yet?"

"Some."  He pointed at the dog chained in his corner. The beagle gave them both unhappy looks.  "He wouldn't tell me what he used."  Someone knocked on the door.  "What?"

Eric stuck his head in.  "I was going to ask Miss Wolfe if she'd like to go out for a drink tonight."

"Unfortunately I have to talk to my brother tonight before I leave," she offered, giving him a small grin.  "Maybe next time I'm in town?"  Eric beamed and nodded, leaving it there and closing the door behind himself.  He looked at Horatio.   "I'm never doing this again," he mouthed.  Horatio laughed quietly.  "Okay, so now what?"

"Let's lock the door.  Who else figured it out?"


"Interesting."  He locked the door and put up the anti-eavesdropping spells.  They both heard Eric yelp.  "Very interesting."  He pointed his wand at Speed. "Finite Incantantum."  Speed returned and took the dog collar off himself.  "Speed, fix it," he growled.

"Sorry.  You couldn't take the chain off?"

"I'm going to castrate you," Ryan offered.  "Then we can put the chain somewhere else."

"You're mean," he complained.

"I've got breasts, Speed!  I'm allowed!"  Speed went pale.  "Are we clear?"

"You sound like you've got PMS," Speed offered but he undid the hiding charm and took off the earrings.  Ryan returned and patted himself down with a sigh.  "You do look cute in that skirt."

Ryan groaned.  He took a deep breath and concentrated.  There were people at his home.  He concentrated harder and the clothes changed.  The bra got tossed onto the desk and Ryan stood up, backing Speed up against the windows.  "You are so going to pay for this, Timothy.  You forget what you're messing with."  He hissed something and flicked him on the forehead, making him shiver and then squeak as he changed.  "Good!"  He stomped off, going home.  He wanted to see who was waiting on him.  He walked in and found Alexx and Calleigh.  "He's done.  He's a mermaid and he's done."  He smiled sweetly.  "I was not amused and bras hurt," he shared, heading to his room.  "Let me take a shower."

"Sure, baby," Alexx promised.  "I didn't think mermaids were real."

"Me either," Calleigh said, then she shrugged.  "I'm having fun.  You?"

"Oh, I so am.  Especially since Eric's been watching but didn't quite manage to figure things out yet."

"He's a guy," she said, waving a hand.  "There's a reason why they only get one female CSI.  Any more than that and the guys would be outshone."

"Not funny," Ryan called.

"Sorry, dear, but it's true," she called up there.  "Need help?"

"I need my clothes back.  Or else I'm going to take Speed's credit card and go shopping."  A bag landed on the bed behind him and he sighed, pulling out his beloved, comfortable clothes.  He came down in something a bit less than work clothes.  "Sorry, needed that.  I got pinched today but no less than ten people, including Natalia, who decided I dress like a reject from Miami Vice now and then.  Tough, but she did."  He walked into the kitchen.  "Anyone else helping me get drunk to forget today?"

"Are you sure you should?  You did learn a very valuable lesson in tolerance," Alexx pointed out.

Ryan came out with a beer.  "The next woman I date will never have to shave to please me.  She'll be a braless hippy who wears earth shoes.  Or else I'm taking on a guy."  He went back to finding himself something to drink for dinner.  "Anyone want anything?  Scrubby?"  He reappeared, looking scared.  "Where were you?"

"Visiting other house elf."

"Are you and this other house elf dating?" he asked.  Scrubby looked shy and looked down at his feet.  "Okay.  Then we'll work that out, Scrubby.  Do you guys get married?"

"House elfs is not like peoples," he said firmly.  "House elfs not have those!  House elfs see each other and have babies!"  He scowled.  "Master Ryan needs to learn more about house elfs."

"Yeah, but you're the first I've ever talked to so it's your job too, Scrubby.  By the way, I took a shower."  Scrubby went up there to clean it.  Ryan came out with a half a fifth from the back of a cabinet and a six pack of beers. "This is my dinner, am I sharing?"  The girls kissed him on the cheeks and left.  He settled in to get drunk, at least until someone knocked on the door.  "What?"

"It's me," Eric called.

Ryan got up and went to open it, looking at him.  "What?" he repeated.

"You have a sister?"

"Long story."

"She looked a lot like you."

"Ask Speed, he knows her."

"I would but I've got to go find him in the harbor in a minute."  He walked in and closed the door, looking at him.  "What happened?  When did you get your ears pierced?"

"Speed put them on me last night."

"Ah.  Every now and then he turns me into a dog to go pick up women while playing with me," he admitted.  He looked at the two empty beer cans and the open bottle.  "That was you?"  Ryan nodded, grimacing.  "Did anyone else know?"

"Alexx and Calleigh figured it out.  Horatio was the one I called."

Eric gave him a manly hug with a back slap.  "I'm here for you, Ryan.  He picks on me too.  That's the only bad thing about Speed.  He's got a pranking nature and little common sense.  So, are you the reason he's a mermaid?"

Ryan beamed.  "Yup."  Eric laughed at that. "Wanna help me get drunk?"

"After I get Speed back for Horatio."  He grinned.  "At least you matched him for meanness."  He headed off, going out to his hummer to dive down by the harbor.  Horatio had magiced him into the water long enough to go home and set up something.  Now he was ready for him.  Eric sat on the edge of the dock. "Speed?" he called quietly.  A female head with long, brunette, curly hair popped up.  "You know, I should leave you out there for all the times you turned me into a dog to get all the cute chicks."

"That's cruel," she complained, swimming closer.  "The same as Ryan was."

"Yeah, well, you turned him into a girl, Speed. He's drinking dinner tonight.  The same as I have a few times because one of those girls decided to play with my balls as a dog."  He gave him a look.  "Now, you can apologize or you can magic your own ass to H's."

"Fine, I'm sorry.  I won't prank you or Ryan again.  I thought it could help him and be fun.  This way he'd learn what we think about him."

"Mostly he got that the OCD is a bad thing and he dresses funny."  He held out a hand.  "Wand?"

"In the office.  Horatio confiscated it."  He held up a hand and Eric hauled him up beside him.  "Thanks.  I'm sorry.  You like being a dog."

"Now and then.  Not all the time."  He got up and hefted Speed to the car, letting him have the other front seat.  "H can explain the mess to the auto detail boss."  He drove him over to Horatio's house, parking as close to the door as he could.  "You could stand losing a few pounds, buddy," he complained as he carried him.

"Shut up, Eric.  I'm not fat."

"You're not," Horatio agreed as he opened the door, letting him inside but helping carry him past Alexx and Calleigh, who both stared and giggled.  "This is why it's not a good idea to prank the people you work with."

"I can't prank Tony, he's on assignment, and I can't remember why I don't prank Danny, just that I don't."

"You three have to remove those blocks," Horatio complained, putting him into the tub he had run.  "There, how's that?"

"Feels pretty good.  Thank you, Horatio.  When can we get him to remove this?"

"He's drinking dinner," Eric told him.  "He's already had at least two beers and some liquor."

"Damn it."  He pouted.  "At least I made him cute.  He made me hideous."

"You're not," Horatio assured him, heading off with Eric.  "I'll bring you something to eat in a while."

"Thank you."  He flicked the end of his tail, looking around.  Horatio hadn't done much in here. It was a pretty standard, white bathroom. No decorative touches or anything. Then again, most of the house was that way.  Horatio didn't spend a lot of time at home.   He was always working.  He really needed to find Horatio a girlfriend.  Someone tapped on the door. "What?" he called, sounding a bit cranky.

Calleigh came in and put some food beside him.  "There you go, dear."  She patted him on the head and grinned.  "You're so cute!"

"Bite me, woman," he complained.  She giggled and left him alone. He started to pray to every deity there ever was to reverse this thing.  Otherwise Ryan might not be able to and he'd turn fishy during the next rainstorm he got caught out in.  That was the way chaos magic worked.  Easy to apply, harder to get off.  He heard a quiet pop and looked back, finding Alex there.  "I pranked Ryan."

"So I heard."  He looked him over, then pulled his wand and started on the countering.  "Huh, you're a fully female mermaid.  You didn't find another one, right?"

"I'm not the kinky one in the group, that was Tony!" he complained.  "Or Danny."

Alex gave him a look.  "Yeah, right," he said dryly, undoing the spell slowly and carefully.  "Well," he decided finally.  "You've got a vagina, still, and you've got some scales, but those should finish coming off in a few days."  He grinned and disappeared.

Speed looked down at his lap, then whimpered.  He had both.  This was not a good thing.  He went back to praying once he got out and dried off, summoning some of his clothes wandlessly so he could put them on.  He looked at the tunafish sandwiches he had been given and banished them to Ryan before heading downstairs.  "Alex fixed it partially," he offered, pouting some. "I'm sorry."

"That's all right," Horatio assured him. "You'll apologize to Ryan tomorrow and get him to fix the rest of it."  Speed gave him a look.  "You still smell like a fish, Speed."

"I've only got a few scales," he defended.  "He said they'd come off in a few days."

"Is that all?" Eric asked, looking him over.  "You're standing funny.  Legs hurt?"

"No!"  He turned away and looked at Horatio.  "I'm going to hide."  He disapparated home.

"No, I believe Alex left other things," Horatio noted dryly, saluting Eric with his can of beer.  "I should probably go clean up the bathroom."

Eric called home.  "Can you come clean Horatio's house?  Thank you."  The house elf hung up and appeared next to him.  "Speed got turned into a mermaid for a few minutes.  The bathroom held him.  Can you clean it?"

"Of course.  Doorstop can clean any mess nearly as well as Scrubby."  She blushed and disappeared.

"Oh, dear.  It looks like she and Scrubby are wanting to mate," Horatio sighed. "We'll have to deal with that."

"Do they get married?" Eric asked.

"No," Horatio said slowly. "I'll find you the book, Eric.  Ryan could probably use it too."  He took another drink.  "Go home.  Rest.  It's going to be another one of those days tomorrow."  Eric nodded, heading to Speed's house to talk to him.  And maybe see what else was still around.

Horatio leaned back.  "Doorstop, should we expect a baby house elf?" he called quietly.  She popped in next to him, looking scared.  "Remember, Eric's a muggle, a nature path person.  So is Ryan.  They have no idea."

She blushed and nodded.  "Doorstop and Taps and Scrubby all very close friends. All get into house elf piles many times."  Horatio stroked her ear.  "Doorstop not mean to offend."

"You didn't.  They didn't know.  Where did you want your child kept, Doorstop?"

"Big castley place?" she asked hopefully.  "Very prestigious."

"I know a cursebreaker who lives in one."  She gave him an awed look.  "I'll talk to Alex Dumass later."  She squealed and hugged him then went back to making his bathroom spotless for that kindness.  He called Alex's cellphone.  "It's me.  No one realized that Taps, Doorstop, and Scrubby liked each other in that special way.  Yes, Doorstop is," he said dryly.  "She wanted her to go work in a castle, Alex.  Of course."  He smiled.  "You or Philip would probably be an excellent placement.  Thank you."  He hung up.  "He'll see if his house elves can take on a new member, if not he'll talk to the headmaster at the school over there."  She hugged him again and went to make him a great and special dinner.  Because he deserved it.  Hogwarts was a place where house elf royalty served.  He smiled and relaxed.  It was nice to have her here.


Tony came in from his first night out hunting the rapist and flopped onto his couch, turning on his tv.  Someone tapped on the door.  "Not accepting visitors," he called.

"I know you're not Tony," a female voice called.

He groaned and looked himself over, then got up and went to open the door, looking at his own very special psycho ex.  "No, I'm his cousin and I'm apartment sitting since I had to be this way while he was out of town for something.  Why?"

"He's not dating anyone but me," she sneered.

"I'm his cousin, twit.  That's against the law in most states."  He slammed the door in her face and went to find his wand.  He'd had enough of her.  He blocked her memories of him and she wandered off looking confused, hanging up with the police. Someone still came to check.  He opened it and found an officer, and McGee just pulling in.  "Can I help you?"

"Is this your apartment, ma'am?"

"No, this is my cousin's apartment and he's out of town at the moment.  I'm housesitting and helping his boss, Gibbs over at NCIS, with a case since they needed a female agent for a few days.  Timmy," she said happily, pulling him closer to hug, hissing in his ear to play along.  "This is one of my cousin's coworkers, Tim McGee."

"Sir, do you know the owner of this apartment?"

"Y..yeah, Tony DiNozzo.  Senior agent on Gibbs' team," he offered, shaking his head to clear the confusion from the breasts resting against him.  "Why?  Is there a problem I should call him about, officer?"

"We got a report she wasn't supposed to be in there."

"No, we needed a female for a case and she agreed to fill in while Tony was out of town doing something about his father or something. Something personal.  He didn't say more than that."

"That's fine.  Can I see your ID?"  McGee pulled it out and he took note of it.  "Thank you, sir."

"Welcome, Officer..."  He looked.  "Stayton.  Have an easy night on patrol."

"You too, sir."  He handed it back and walked off, getting into his cruiser.

McGee walked into the apartment, pulling Tony with him.  Tony shut the door and leaned against it, giving him a look.  "What was that?"

"Remember me talking about Veronica?" he asked dryly.

"Yeah, you called her psycho chick a few times.  Why?"

"She's the one who called.  I told her I was Tony's cousin.  She said only she could date Tony.  I pointed out that cousins dating was illegal in most states and slammed the door in her face."

"So she called the cops to report the break-in.  Gotcha," McGee agreed, smiling at him. "How did it go?"

"Decently enough."  He put down his wire and handed over the tape.  "Here, all yours.  I'm going to change into sweats."

"Sure.  Are you going to *change* as well?" he asked.

"Probably can't. It'll lose power again.  Then it'll take another full day," he said bitterly, closing his bedroom door.  "Would you go pour me a beer?"

"Sure."  He went to do that, finding the bottles of very good German beer in the fridge.  He nearly dropped it when he heard the pop however.  He turned and found an older man standing there.  "Um, did you miss your apparation point, sir?  Tony, company."

Tony came out in a tank top and a pair of sweats.  "Oh, hey, dad.  Bitchy assignment this week."  He took the beer and gave McGee a look, then smiled and kissed him.  "Sugar.  I know I lost the bet, but do I *have* to stay this way?"  McGee spluttered and blinked, turning red.  "Awww."  He sipped his beer, looking at his father, who fell down grabbing his chest. "Hey, second time that's worked."  He called the others over the bond, getting Danny running with Mac.  "Should I call a normal ambulance or a healer?"

"Healer, your father would throw a fit if you got him into a muggle place," Danny pointed out as they worked.  Tony walked over his father's feet to do that.  Danny and Mac shared a look then he shrugged.  "His father nearly died the last time he saw him in that look and us changing."  He got back to work, ignoring the groans of his patient.  The healer popped in and took charge, floating the older man to his bedroom.  Danny helped Mac up and looked at Tony.  "You're very bad," he mouthed.

"Crappy assignment then Veronica was here."  He took another drink.  "Really."

"I'm sorry," Danny sighed, giving him a hug.  "It'll be okay."

"I blocked her and he just appeared without warning.  Not my fault I'm on this assignment.  Blame Gibbs.  He made me."  He finished his beer.  "This isn't his first one," he called.

"I've noticed."  He came out.  "I may not be able to keep him.  Is your stepmother available?"

"Not a clue," Tony admitted.  He moved to the small flame he had the floo port on, lighting it.  "Mother."  She appeared and gaped in horror.  "Sorry, mother.  It's for an undercover assignment.  We're trying to catch a rapist and the only female on my team isn't cultured enough to go where we need her to go.  My boss demanded.  Anyway, father just popped in and saw me like this. He's having his second coronary in my bedroom.  The healer wanted  you."

"You're fairly cold about this."

He gave her a look.  "The last time he popped in unannounced he saw and did the same thing.  It's almost habit with him.  This is why you should call first.  Or so you told me."  He signed off and went to talk to his father.  "It really is for an assignment, father, not a bet."  His father gasped and reached up to him so he took his hand.  "Gibbs needed one and I got nominated, or else McGee would've."

"My son," he gasped.

"I still am without the earrings, father. Even with this, I'm still staying at NCIS as well.  Sorry to have disappointed you."

"Sister," he gasped.

"No, I don't have a sister.  I'm an only child unless you had one with a mistress."  He finished his beer and put the bottle down then looked at him again. "If I take it off, it'll wear it out and take too long to get back.  Then again, I could go seduce someone.  I haven't had sex in ages."  His father moaned and looked at him. "Sorry, but isn't that the DiNozzo way?"  His father nodded. "I called mother.  She'll call the tramp you married the second time.  You know, this is the second time you've shown up unannounced."

"My own stupidity," he agreed. "I'm sorry."

"Hmm.  Well, the healer's being iffy on you living or not.  Should I call anyone else?"

"You don't care?"

"I haven't cared.  Not since you drove Audry off."  His father let his hand go.  "I told you that."  He shrugged. "To you I was a pawn.  Why would I care now?"

"I was wrong."

"Hindsight's a bitch, dad."  He got out of the healer's way.  "Anything else you wanted to clear up?  I should go do a cleaning spell for Mom's sake."

"You're my heir," he said, staring at him. "Even like that.  Have...babies?" he gasped. Tony shook his head quickly. "Please?"

"Maybe some year if I ever find someone I love again.  If not, no.  Unless I screw up my birth control on a date.  Then maybe."  His father nodded. "Hey, you took the one person I would've died to have children with."

"Sorry," he said weakly.

Tony nodded.  "Pity you didn't realize that sooner, father."  He heard someone else coming in and looked. "Hey, Speed."

"Tony."  He came in and held him.  "You good?"

"For now."  He looked at him.  "He did it again."

"Damn.  Really sorry."  He looked at Tony's father.  "Hi, Mr. DiNozzo.  Don't worry, Danny and I will watch over Tony, like we have been."

His father swallowed.  "So sorry," he sighed, looking at the healer.  "My heir.  Make a note."

"I hear and witness," he agreed quietly.  "Try to rest, sir. You're not in good shape."

"He could be taken to a muggle place," Speed offered.  His father looked offended. "They've saved lives that were further over."

"No," he said, shaking his head.  "No more."  He saw his first wife appear and held up a hand.  "I'm sorry for you too."

"How many times has he said that?" she demanded.

"Four that I've heard," Tony offered, looking at her.  "Why, mom?"

"Because a seer once told him he'd die on the day he said sorry four times to the same person."

"One was to you.  Doesn't quite count."  He walked out with Speed, getting a hug from Danny and Mac, and Gibbs when he walked in. "Did you forget to call the bimbo, mom?"

"On purpose.  She killed herself earlier.  Her letter said she couldn't handle the stress or the shame of being his wife."

"Charming."  He shrugged. "Oh well."  He looked at Gibbs, then smacked him upside the head again.  "I owe you about eighty more, remind me."  He walked back into the kitchen to get another beer.

"He can't get out of it?" Gibbs asked.

"It'll make it lose power and it'll take another day or so to recharge so he'll be stuck in the change, which is pretty painful," Danny admitted.

"Oh."  He shuddered.  "If I had known, I'd have made you do it to McGee," he offered.

"Hey!" McGee complained.

"You're sensitive, you could pass for a woman," Gibbs assured him.  Tony choked on his beer through his laughter.  Gibbs moved closer. "You okay, DiNozzo?" he asked quietly.
"Not like I've given a damn in years," he said firmly. "They felt the same way."  His mother stormed off and he watched.  "Huh, must've just amended his will again.  Pity.  Now she knows how I feel."  He took another drink and wiped his chin off when the healer came back.  "He gone?"

"Not yet.  He wanted you again."

Tony walked that way, looking at his father's weakening body. "I'm back."

"I'm not blind."

"No, just stupid," he said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.  "What did you need done?"

"I've remade my will.  Upon my wand, you are my heir and everything is yours."

"I don't want it."

"I don't care."

"Obviously.  I'll give it to Mom.  Anything else?"  His father stared at him.  "Like I said, I'm staying here, even if I am going to torture Gibbs for centuries for this."

"I'm sorry, son.  I was a bad father."  He gasped and took his hand.  "Sell whatever you want.  You are my heir."  His hand went limp and he drifted off.

"He's lost consciousness," he called.  The healer rushed back in, working on him.  "Do whatever he wanted."

"Of course, sir.  Let us move him."  He cast a medical charm and moved them both back to his home.

Tony walked out.  "Gibbs, looks like I'll have to be in Rhode Island for a few weeks."  He took off the earrings, becoming himself after a few moments.  "He had to make it up to me by giving me *things*," he said bitterly, heading back to his room to clean it.  "Can I have Taps?"

"Taps?" Danny called.  He appeared.  "Go help Tony, his father nearly died in his bed."  The house elf nodded and went to clean for him.  Danny and Speed shared a look then he looked at Mac.  "We've got him. Head."  Mac nodded and headed home.  They went to pick Tony up and carry him back to his couch, putting him between them to cuddle each other.  Gibbs and McGee snuck off after a few quiet words to Tony.

Speed looked at him, thinking hard to make Tony laugh and break.  "You know, you could make one with red hair and go taunt your former director as Gibbs' new girl," he said quietly.  Tony did laugh at that and hugged him, letting himself relax and not think for a while.

"Then Gibbs might be made to prove it in court," Danny said patiently. "It's one thing to get us, but to get him?"

"He could use some excitement.  Or we could change Horatio and send him?"

Tony looked at him. "Speed, I love you, but don't help.  You're already in trouble with Ryan."  He snuggled in, looking him over.  "So, how was touching your new hole?"

Speed blushed.  "Very odd.  Did we do that before?"

"Don't know," Danny admitted.

"We need to unblock those memories," Tony agreed.  "When's the next moon dark?"

"Tomorrow night," Taps called.

"It's still a small road," Speed admitted. Danny nodded, he had apparently been there too.  "Then?" They nodded.  "Call me if I'm late."

"Midnight, Speed.  Don't be late," Danny warned.

"Yes, dear."  He settled in to consider the implications.  They had been made to memory charm each other due to something that had happened. They had lost a lot of their school memories that way.  It was necessary to undo it. He felt like half a person again.  Tony gave him a squeeze and snuck a hand down, making him swat him.  "Quit, Kinky Slut."

"Abby would squeal," Tony offered.

"No, and hope I don't die while I'm like this.  Alexx will laugh."

"Yup," Danny agreed, grinning at him.  "How odd is it?"

"You wanna find out?"

"No, Don would want that hole too."

Speed smirked.  "Might be fun."

"No way in hell," Danny assured him.   Don popped in and gave him a look.  "What?"

"If you did that, unless you were the prettiest thing ever, I'd only make myself watch you and Stella, Danny."  Tony pulled out his picture and handed it over, making Don gape.  Tony nodded.  "Well, um..."  Danny swatted him.  "Hard decision there, huh?"

"Not really," Speed noted dryly.  "I'm not going there.  If you want to go there with Danny, go recharge the earrings and put him into them."

"No," Danny said firmly.  "Especially not with his cult hanging around."

Mac appeared and grabbed Don.  "We'll let you three sleep.  Don's sleep deprived."  He forced him to go home then followed.

Stella glared at Don.  "Even if he was, I'm not like that.  Or else I'd be with three women."

"You know, with what they did..."  She pounced him onto the bed to beat the crap out of him, or to tickle him, or to make him beg...whatever came first.

Mac sat down to watch.  It was fun watching those two mock battle.


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