Note: the Imaginings list had a plot bunny generation moment. This is all their fault.
Dating Disaster Plans
Rick walked up to where Xander was sitting handcuffed. "Did you date?" he asked dryly. Xander nodded, looking amused. "Good. Here, have something to do." He handed him a familiar key drive.
Rick smirked. "Your plotbunny followed me home. I needed those hours of sleep."
"You don't need me to fill things in," Xander said, looking at him. "You don't need an editor and Paula to make you sound sensible."
Rick snorted. "Like that mystery novel, kid, it's your turn."
"Okay," he agreed quietly. "I'm not sure how I can help it any." Rick smirked at him. "If I'm not in jail for keeping myself from being beaten to death."
"She was going to stab you," Detective Ryan said from his seat. He looked over and smirked. "She said she's not pressing charges but the captain said you're staying here until he gets here." Xander sighed. Rick handed him the laptop he was carrying, letting Xander get into that file.
"You use Word?"
"Most everyone does."
"I have it set to do most of the same things." He sat down.
Xander read the first chapter, not seeing where he could help the story at all. Though the baby was really boring. He was frowning but ... He found a typo at least. He corrected that and kept going. That baby was really boring. So maybe he could add his special touch there? He went back up and reread that section, adding some to the baby's greeting scene. He found another typo and fixed it and kept going. The baby was a lot happier and a lot more than there hanging on to someone. Somehow the baby started to sound like him but that was fine he guessed. It was a lot more interesting if the baby sucked up to dangerous women. He heard someone come in complaining and found himself kissed. He grinned at her. "Hi."
"You're writing here?"
"Rick's making me."
"Uh-huh." She stared at him. "Put it up so we can go to lunch?"
"He has to stay until the Captain gets back to ask him politely to never date again," Detective Ryan said. "He makes that plea every fourth dating disaster." He looked at her. He knew who she was. "And I doubt his muses need you doing crazy things to him for lunch."
Xander shrugged. "I'm a bit tired but maybe dinner?" he offered.
She beamed. "I can do that. Make reservations?"
"Must I wear a suit?" he whined.
"Yes, Xander. It's my birthday later this week."
"Yes, Amanda." She strolled off looking smug. He looked at Rick, who shrugged. "Tea Room?"
"That's a nice place for dinner," he agreed. "Easy to get into too." Xander looked them up in the phone book next to him on the desk, calling them to make reservations. They were happy to give them a nice corner table at eight. He texted that to her and went back to his fixing typos. They got to the 'carrier' scene and Xander got him a better one he knew about. "Rick, what does your vest say?"
"Huh." He added that and changed what the baby's new bulletproof carrier said. Then he fixed the 'she didn't throw a fit about having the baby there' scene. Because any woman he knew would so throw a fit about a baby being in danger. Even with a bulletproof snugglie. Beckett especially would chew him a new one. So maybe the baby could be more helpful. He looked up at the cleared throat, typing by feel. He held up a finger and got back into it. The baby was crawling off when the daddy got knocked out but he was going to pat the gun and accidentally shoot the bad guy. And when people showed up to 'help' them, the baby crawled on top of the bad guy and gave them a smug look.
Beckett was reading over his shoulder. "Can they do that?" she asked. Xander nodded. "There's some...." Xander got online to find the youtube video he was referencing, making her moan and shake her head. He got back to it and it was better. Or at least it was getting better. Rick's typos were pretty common. How did you misspell such a common name?
Though the nanny that finally showed up, well it kinda looked like him. He changed it a bit more. And added in some 'mommy' scenes. He went back up to add that to the beginning and changed some of the background too. Changed Rick's career history slightly. The baby was still adorable though. He sighed, putting the laptop aside. He hadn't had to do much fixing. It was nearly dark and there was a nice note next to him.
'Arrested Amanda for shooting ambassador from Spain. Canceled your dinner date. Rick said to let him see it later to see where you changed stuff since you were really involved. Beckett said if she ever saw that really happen she'd smack Rick upside the head,' the note read. 'Don't date for the next month, you're grounded. Captain Montgomery.' Xander looked around, looking confused.
One of the night shift guys looked over. "Beckett said to eat something as soon as you were done. Leave the laptop in her desk so she can give it to Castle in the morning. Pick up cat food because Alexis was over playing with the cats and said you're out." Xander nodded, getting up to stretch. He headed for the bathroom then out. He shook his head, getting into the file to look at it. "Huh, a collaboration." He put it into Becket's desk and locked it in. Then he got back to his own casework. The note got a strange look. "We arrested a sniper?"
"Assassin," the night shift captain complained. "They were due to have dinner tonight."
"I'm guessing that's why Montgomery grounded him."
"Hopefully the boy listens." He got back to his paperwork. A few hours later they got a call to a scene. Xander was calmly sitting and eating a sandwich at the deli. The 'victim' was sniffling against his shoulder while he patted her to get her calmed down. The bad boy was on the ground groaning into the tiles. Xander kicked the bad boy on the foot, making him look up and beg them to save him because he wanted to go straight. He wasn't bad boy enough for Xander's affection.
The detective looked at the kid. "What happened?"
Xander pointed down at him while he chewed, then tipped her face up to show the bruise coming up. He finally got to swallow the last of his sandwich. "He hit her because she forgot to get no mustard. So I kindly corrected it. He's very sorry and if he ever felt any sort of affection for me he's clearly learned he's not evil enough."
"Yes I have," he whimpered.
Xander smiled, helping her up. "These are nice detectives. They've helped me with dates before, sweetie. They will not hurt you." They nodded, walking her out to take her statement while the other detective cuffed and read that guy his rights. Xander grinned. "By the way, he ate the ring that created that cut on her cheek."
"Good," the detective agreed with a smile. He walked him out to the patrol car. He told them that so they could tell the booking people. The wife was sobbing but they got her calmed down and she was wiling to press charges. Xander had helped her a lot it seemed. Xander came out and was assaulted by a woman who wanted his mouth. The detective looked over, timing it. "He's grounded according to Captain Montgomery, ma'am," he said loudly when she moaned. "He's not allowed to date for a month."
She looked at him and smiled. "I don't want to date him, Detective." She walked Xander off. "You did a very good job." He smirked at her. He was up to not dating for a weekend.
The detectives sighed and shook their heads. They texted that to Montgomery's phone and let him handle it. There was no telling what sort of evil girl she was.
Beckett walked into Xander's apartment the next morning without knocking. She had a warrant. She did pet the creeling little furry beasts on her way up to break up the happy reunion. "Andara Miller, you're under arrest for smuggling, jewel theft, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and really bad taste," she said dryly, hauling her out of the bed and cuffing her.
"But...." she pouted, looking at Xander. Xander was still asleep. "Did he tell you?"
"The detectives last night told me. Xander!" she yelled, making him flinch and wake up. "Did you remember to pick up cat food?" He nodded, drifting off again. She looked at her. "What did you give him?"
"Not a thing." She yawned. "I wasn't tired an hour ago."
Beckett nodded and checked Xander, who had a very visible shot mark. She checked the bathroom, glaring at the woman in there. "You too. Let's go."
"Hell no! Especially if you're the one that drugged him! Now!"
"Yes, Beckett." She came out. "You know, I am an agent."
"That means you have your own cuffs," Beckett said dryly, cuffing her. She walked them out to hand them to the minions. "Kylia drugged him."
"It was only a little sedative so I could steal him away for the weekend. I left Tara a voicemail to take care of the kitten and all that. I was being very thoughtful," she complained.
Detective Esposito stared at her. "Nice try, Kylia." He helped her into the car while his partner got the other one. He looked at Beckett. "Ambulance?"
"Castle. They need to go over that story anyway." She texted that to him and got in to drive. Ryan waited, getting a ride back once he got there.
Rick let himself in and got pounced by the cats. He gave them food and let them into the garden area. That solved all the meow chorus. He went to check on Xander. Who was still snoring into his pillow. Rick shook his head, going down to the living room to check on what Xander did to their new shared story. He was giggling at the baby. It was adorable. He sent it to Paula with a note about it being like that shared mystery novel. Xander got up and went to the bathroom. "Kylia drugged you," he called.
"She's not getting any oral sex for it," he called back, coming down the stairs. The cats ran in to pounce him and get petted, then ran out when the daddy human stumbled over one of them. "Sorry! Daddy needs that human drink stuff." He got himself some soda and came out to flop down next to Rick. "Kylia?"
"Beckett said she planned a long weekend and told Tara to come take care of the cats."
"Ah." He sipped his soda and let Rick take it when he drifted off to sleep again.
Rick sniffed it then put it back into the refrigerator for now. Xander would wake up sometime soon. Paula sent back a swear so Rick smirked back at her. She was having a lot of fun setting up her publishing empire. The new book would help with that. Though that did give him a new idea in that baby universe. That could be interesting.
Xander wandered into the station reading something with a pencil between his teeth. He handed Beckett a bag and walked off again, making notes with the pencil.
Beckett looked in the bag. "Xander, why do I need this?" she called. Esposito went to find the kid and walk him back. She dumped out the pack of condoms and morning after pills. Plus headache powder. Xander was walked off the elevator. "Why do I need this?"
Xander grinned. "Because someone has to have a bachelor party soon from what I heard. That's what I needed for mine and I figured you would too. Especially since Doctor Pecs is back in town and he was emailing Tara about fertility magic for some reason." He shrugged. "Because Willow still thinks it's a really good idea to meddle." He walked off reading again.
Ryan looked at it then at her. "If you want to come to the bachelor party you can," he said with a grin.
She threw a condom at him. "I'll think about it. Depends on how good the party is." She put the rest back into the bag and put it into her desk. She did call her boyfriend. "Fertility magic?" she asked him. He told her a darling story about a native woman who had been working some and he wanted to compare and see if he could pass back anything for her from Tara, who he knew was a Pagan of some sort. "Oh that's interesting. No, I just saw Xander. He handed me condoms in case." He laughed. "No, I can't do lunch. We have a new case. Dinner? A late dinner?" She smiled. "That'll work. Thank you." She hung up and made herself a post-it note to stare at.
"I'm still trying to decide which stripper I'm hiring for you, bro," Esposito teased with a smirk.
"As long as she doesn't hear." He got back to work. Beckett did too. That was just weird timing. He texted Tara and she sent back that she'd check Beckett for magic on her lunch. "Tara will check the Willow thing."
"Thanks. I'm not sure if I could handle a baby." She pushed her hair back behind her ears. "I'm definitely not ready yet."
"Good. We'd hate to lose you to maternity leave," Esposito teased. "Or mood swings when we had to handcuff you somewhere."
"I'd handcuff me somewhere if I got that bad." She got back to work with a head shake.
Tara walked in and handed Beckett a deli sandwich a bit later, sprinkling something in her hair. "Willow thinks you need to be happy like her."
Beckett looked at her. "Do I need to find a guy like Daniel?"
"She thinks you have one." She removed the magic and shook her head as she walked off. "I'd make sure you took any pills this morning."
"Definitely," Beckett said, pulling out that morning after pill pack for later. Then she called Daniel to complain about his wife. Castle came in during it. He gave her a funny look.
"Rosenburg did it," Ryan told him.
"She needs paddled."
"Again," Esposito said.
Beckett hung up. "He'll do it. She wanted me to get knocked up soon."
Rick nodded. "I'm sure you can make that decision without her."
"Xander was apparently psychic. He handed her a bachelor party kit with some extras," Ryan said with a grin.
"Good thinking." He nodded. "I have a doc I can recommend if you need one," he told her quietly. "Very quiet and he'll have a lot of help no matter which decision you want to make. He's one of the best OB's in the city."
"Josh only got into town today."
"Oh, that's good then." He sat down.
"How's the newest book coming?" she asked.
"Xander made the baby a lot more fun. Paula groaned but liked it. She said it was cute and funny. Yesterday I got a second one about that." She snorted. "I swear it's a baby Xander. He likes weapons, likes to suck on the neck of assassins. Grabbed a very dirty agent who took out people by her garter because she was undercover as a street walker."
She snorted, shaking her head. "Him being a baby as he is now would probably be adorable but mind warping."
"Yes it was. I let Alexis read it and she asked if Willow had knocked Xander up with her new brother." Beckett choked. Ryan and Esposito laughed, shaking their heads. "I told her if she did, I'm taking primary custody and she'd like changing diapers. She agreed she could babysit."
Beckett caught her breath, staring at him. "If that should happen, we'll find you a former military nanny."
"I know a few of those in service." He grinned. "Alexis would complain a lot but Mother would squeal and rant both." He settled into his usual seat. "Now that I'm back from the reporter of doom, who keeps asking me if I'm dating Xander, did we find anything new?"
"Not yet," Esposito said. "Is she evil?"
"Not that I know of. She just thinks that we're together. He'll embarrass her later. I left him a voicemail." They all nodded. Montgomery walked out looking upset. "Being chewed on again?"
"The mayor has thoughts because of all the time Xander spends with us."
"A reporter thinks I'm dating him again," Rick quipped.
"I don't want that headache. Then I'd have to wonder when you went evil and what you were planning, Castle." Beckett snickered, shaking her head. She had to walk off she was cackling so hard. "Can someone pull together all the times we've hosted him for a bit and why?" Esposito pulled the case files together for him and handed him the printed list. He looked and moaned. "Didn't I say he's grounded."
"They didn't want to take him out and date, they've all shown up for sex," Ryan said.
"Charming!" He walked off, taking it uptown to tell the mayor that. And subtly suggest that the mayor might need a vacation, his mental condition was slipping.
Ryan and Esposito shared a look. "Ten bucks there's one within a week," Esposito said.
"Sucker bet," Castle said, looking at them. "Megan's on bail."
"The judge told her not to go near him," Ryan countered.
"She was buying them breakfast earlier."
"Damn," Esposito said. "At least one makes it over to chat with her?"
"I can put five on that." He put down the money.
Rick put down ten. "At least two." He walked off happier, going to the bathroom.
"He clearly has an idea," Ryan said.
"Yeah but I'm guessing it'll be a bad thing."
"Well maybe it'll be a bad girl convention," Ryan offered. "Our stats could use upped."
"We'd have to rescue him and the cats."
"Tara would walk in and make them all beg."
"Good point." He considered it and put down another five. Ryan did the same. Rick grinned when he came back. "They already there?"
"Tara wrote complaining that Beth got asked when Xander's birthday was by two different agents and one other guy." He sat down. They moaned.
Beckett came back, noticing the cash. "Lunch or a bet?"
"Bet, at least two bad girls showing up to talk to him at the same time as Megan does," Ryan said.
She considered it then nodded, putting in ten bucks. The patrol officers would bet against them. "And a full night of paperwork if we're right."
"We'd arrest them during the morning after phase. It'll make them too tired to fight back or run," Esposito said.
Rick nodded. "He'd appreciate that too." He considered it. "When is Xander's birthday?"
"I'm not sure," Esposito said, getting into the files. "Last month." They all grimaced. That sounded like the kid. "He just turned twenty-five." He texted Xander that if he had told them they would've gone out to dinner to help him celebrate his birthday. He got one back and smiled. "No, that's not his birthday. That's a typo by Sunnydale. It's in two days."
"Does he want to go to dinner?" Rick asked.
Esposito asked and shook his head. "Cynthia is who?" Beckett moaned, shaking her head. "That bad?"
"Yes, she's from LA and his dating file out there." She called him. "When did she get out on bail?" She listened. "Seriously? If you want, we could probably go the next night. I'm not on that following day." She smiled. "That'll work. Have a good day but try to avoid the bad girls, Xander." She hung up. "She's a local young writer that asked him for some mentoring time." Rick smiled. "He's going to meet her at that bookstore you introduced him to. Up in one of the quiet corners. He said she's about to be published and she's nervous."
"That is new book day so they'll probably spend some time staring at her new book," Rick said. "We all did." He shifted. "Most of us framed the official letter saying we were going to be published too."
"I haven't seen his," Beckett admitted.
"It's probably in the same part of the safe that holds Anya's ring," Rick said more quietly. She nodded at that.
"He kept it?" Ryan asked. "I probably would've sold it; it'd be too painful."
"That's all that he carries as a physical memento of her," Rick told him. That got a nod of understanding. "He said when he doesn't want it anymore he'll donate it to her church so she can put it to good use."
"That'll cause more pain," Esposito said. Rick nodded. "Have they talked?"
"Apparently the Reverend Mother of her order asked her to contact him for a donation for some needed repairs," Rick told them. Ryan moaned, shaking his head. "Anya refused, citing that she had done him wrong and that she didn't want to stir up those memories for either of them. It wasn't kind of her with what had happened. The Reverend Mother wrote him in Anya's name.
"Xander showed up there to talk to her about how low and dirty that was, and that if she had known what had happened between them she would've trusted Anya's instincts. Anya got brought in and he looked at her, handing her the letter. She made herself not throw a fit, as Xander said, and then told her that she was withdrawing from the order and switching to one that didn't conform to Hell's ideals of selfishness.
"Xander offered to help her but she refused and said it wasn't right. That she had already taken too much from him and she wouldn't go to him. He said he kissed her on the cheek, said he was proud of how she was happy now, and left it there. She apparently turned in the Reverend Mother for that deceit to the local diocese and requested to transfer orders to somewhere better and more Godly. The head priest sent that on and agreed that she should if she wasn't comfortable. They apparently removed the Reverend Mother, who retired."
"That's good to know," Beckett said dryly. "The one in Connecticut?" Rick nodded. "Where is she now?"
"Spain. She didn't realize he was so close and she didn't want either of them to be pulled so she requested one overseas and found one there. They do deal with demonically possessed people now and then so she'd be an asset."
"That's good that she's moved on," Beckett said. "I know it was her fault but it's good she's gotten over it." Rick nodded.
"Does everyone know about her past?" Ryan asked.
"No. Only a few priests know."
"Huh." Ryan nodded. "Then I'm happy if she is and we don't have to see Xander in that sort of destroyed mood."
"Tara said that he nearly killed Anya. He kicked her out wearing only the clothes she had on, after she ran and hid to get dressed, and sold everything else," Rick said with a grin. "Since he had bought all of it. He sold almost everything to Cordelia. Threw out her sex toys. Sold off the expensive ones. Donated her porn tapes to the local library because they had some in the back room. Apparently Willow spent a few days hiding from everyone as a kitten but Tara made her change back so she could yell at her. Xander had to call Buffy to keep him from killing them."
"That'd do it to me too," Ryan agreed. "I'd have killed her. Most likely I'd have shot them both if someone hadn't taken my gun."
"If you ever get that problem, I want to hear," Beckett ordered. "I'll come take your gun and help you handcuff them so you can scream at them."
He grinned. "Thanks, Beckett."
"She can take mine too," Esposito assured him. Ryan beamed at him. "That's what bros are for."
"Yeah, I'm glad my girl would never do that to me."
"I hope you two are happier than any relationship me or the kid has been in, Kevin," Rick said.
Ryan grinned. "Thanks, man." They got back to work. "Aww, the mushiness shook loose an inconsistency. Why did the person who found the body find them after eleven when we were there at ten?" Beckett stared at him. He rolled his chair over to show her.
"They did say that." Esposito grabbed his jacket so they could get that person in for questioning. It was back to business as usual until Xander dated again.
Beckett sighed as she walked into Xander's apartment a few days later, stopping to pet the cats. She poured some food out for them. Ryan put down a few cans of tuna as well. That'd keep them occupied while they hauled out the bad girl society. More officers came in and Esposito pointed at the cats, getting a nod that they'd avoid them. They raided all the bedrooms. Xander's had three girls in bed with him and they all looked like sweaty messes. He looked like he was angelically peaceful as he slept. Not a bit sweaty. The other rooms had three other 'couples'. Only one guy. And as it turned out one that was mid-op, the breast implants were really nice but the dick was still there. She was naked, you could tell. They got all the women up and she grabbed Xander when he tried to get up off the bed. "Stay."
"What?" he asked, blinking at her. "Are you invading?"
"Yes. You had a bad girl orgy."
"No. We had a party. They were agents."
"Uh-huh." She let him go. "Stay." He nodded, staying there. She went to check with them. One of the officers was trying to fight off the kitten trying to escape into the elevator. "Homer!" She ran off. "They're agents?"
"Evil agents, yay," Esposito said dryly. He found someone's pants and held up the ID. "CIA." Beckett went back upstairs to talk to Xander.
They found the rest of the clothes and let the prisoners get dressed in them. Three more had ID's, two were NYPD, and the others didn't seem to have wallets. Ryan looked at them. "Before we go on, is anyone on bail, have warrants for their arrest, or want to make a statement now? Yeah, we know that the kid usually only dates evil things. That's why we're watching him. Someone's mother told us he was having an evil girl orgy last night." A few snickered, shaking their heads. "Since the guy likes to date assassins a lot of the time...." They all moaned. "Anyone got something to declare?"
One shrugged. "I'm on bail."
"I knew that," Esposito assured her. "Megan.... They might revoke it. The judge said to stay away from Xander. Specifically to stay away from him."
She sighed. "It's not as fun out here. They pounced my Xander. I should kill them like I did my sister for wanting him. They even made him drink, Detective Esposito."
He looked at her then upstairs. "Beckett, get him to draw some blood for a tox panel," he called.
"I've already made him." She came down the stairs, staring at them. "Megan. Reginald Dawson." He smirked. "Or whoever you are this week."
"He's got the CIA case," Ryan said, handing it over.
She snorted. "Try former KGB and now Russian Mob." She glanced at it then at him. "We'll see who you took it from." She pointed at two others. "I knew your pictures from the LA dating file." They sighed. The officers separated them off.
"Anyone else have anything to declare?" Esposito asked. "Not that we won't check but if we find things, we've got to take all that time looking and doing paperwork." One looked at him. "I noticed, we don't give a damn. You can talk to your own boss about that." She/he nodded. "Anyone else?" No one said anything. "Then let's get you down to the station so we can sort out who you really are." He counted. "Where's the male cat?" Ryan looked then pointed. He was peeking out of a cabinet. "Xander, your male cat's in the glasses cabinet." He came down to save his glassware. He looked at the boy once everyone else was gone. "They got you drunk?" he asked quietly.
"Megan and I were having dinner and they showed up to talk to me, celebrate my birthday, all that stuff." Esposito nodded. "Somehow someone found liquor I didn't have in the house and that's about the last thing I remember."
"I'm sure they didn't want to hurt you."
"This means I have to do the walk of shame into the Health Department," Xander sighed.
"I'll talk to Beckett about having them tested." Xander nodded. "Take Castle with you if you want."
"Go to your regular doc. I'm sure she's noted that you date bad girls."
"I might. Thanks."
"Welcome. Remember, you have that thing later with the writer."
"Oh, yeah." He went to shower and change clothes. The cat came with him so he stayed out of things.
Esposito left, going back with the last few. He looked at Beckett, who was driving, then back at the two in the backseat. "Guys, Xander doesn't remember a damn thing. He's having the health department walk of shame thought." They shook their heads. "Are you certain?"
"As far as I know we are clean," the male said.
The female nodded. "I'm on the pill and I'm totally clean." They shared a look. "We'll tell the others so they can tell you quietly."
"That would be appreciated. Are we going to find more than liquor he doesn't usually drink in his system?" Beckett asked.
"I didn't drug him," the guy said.
"There's no telling about the others," she added.
"I know. Some of you guys are worse than others." They nodded.
Xander looked up as his doctor walked into the exam room. "Doc, I got messed up."
"Okay." She shut the door. "What happened?" He told her all that he remembered and she winced, nodding at that. "It sounds like we need to draw some blood. Am I going to find anything like drugs?"
"I don't use drugs. I use some meditation herbs when the muses are going nuts, but that's inhaling in the sauna. I've had a few bad girls who've drugged me," he admitted. "I was truly fucked up a few months back because she decided to play with drugged enemas without telling me while she had me unconscious." She winced at that, shaking her head again. "Yeah. But I was at the police station a few hours later because I knew something had happened and I only had really fuzzy memories. I managed to get free of her and free the Vice officers she had hostage."
"How do you find women like that?" she asked.
"That one picked me up in the club but that was months ago. Megan I met at the comic shop I go to. The last one I met at Tara's library but I think she was stalking Tara." He gave her a weak smile. "If I could date good girls, I would, Doc. I'd like to have a long-term thing again. I'm apparently not going to be blessed anytime soon with one."
"It would be better to be in one but with someone sane, Xander." She got what she needed. "Have you been through this exam before?" He nodded with a sigh. "All right, let's start with blood work. Did the police draw any?" He nodded, taking off his over-shirt for her. "Have we heard anything?"
"Someone joked I should have to buy them lunch for all the paperwork they have to do and how they had to talk to State Department people again. The last time it was because of the death threat on me."
"I will rush all the blood work, Xander. We need to do two swabs too. Do I need to do an anal swab?" He shrugged. "I'll do one then." He nodded and let her do whatever she needed to do. She sent it with a nurse and came back to talk to him about his draw of the unfortunate girls. Especially since she had been given copies of his blood work results after his last hospital stay. She was one of the few people that knew how dangerous he was if he got into the wrong hands.
Xander walked into the precinct with bags. "Someone said it was my job to feed you since I made you talk to State Department and Homeland guys." He handed over bags.
Montgomery came to his doorway. "Who told you that?" Xander got into the message to show him. "It's not your job to do that, Xander. They'd have to do it anyway or someone else would." The boy looked down and nodded. "I wish like hell you could date decent women or men. It'd make everyone happier if you could."
"I'd just like someone semi-permanent again." He shrugged and handed over the last bag. "I thought Rick was here." He left.
Esposito caught up to him in the elevator. "Only one of them showed up with signs of anything, Xander, and it looks like it's a simple yeast infection so you probably are okay on the doctor stuff," he said quietly once they were closed in. Xander hugged him. He patted him. "I know it's a bad thing to have to think about." He watched him walk off when the doors opened, heading back up to his desk. With a stop to yell at the person who had guilt tripped Xander into bringing them lunch. "You, sparring, Beckett later," he ordered.
"She's a girl," he snorted, sneering at him.
"Yeah but she can get away with kicking your ass and I can't." He walked off to tell her that. She went down to yell at him herself. That'd help a lot. It would stop all that crap soon too.
Xander got called to come back in when another agent showed up, staring at him. "Yes, Agent Dumbass of Homeland." The agent glared at him. He glared back. "Did you have something to complain about since I was the one that they got drunk?"
"Aren't you supposed to be taking very careful protections about your blood, Mr. Harris?"
"No one but a doctor or a nurse can pull blood from me. It's a very nice mystical protection and if I'm unconscious they might not be able to do even that." The agent gave him a dirty look. "I take more precautions than you do. You don't have the right to nag me."
"You're a walking disease factory, Harris."
Xander punched him. "I'm more guarded than you are." He stared down at him. "And if you even *insinuate* that you want to try to take me into protective custody, I'll fucking call down every single poker debt I owe from every single goddamn demon and have them ruin your fucking agency since some of *you* put me in more danger by spreading that information around. And yeah, I heard." The agent backed away from him. "So you have no fucking right to complain and if I wanted to hear shit, I know a few gay guys who like scat and would sit and talk about it in front of me for *hours*."
He stared at him when he got up. "Now, are you done yet? Because I'm not putting up with bitches today. I've already had a bad day. I'm not putting up with this shit anymore today." He turned and glared at one gaping officer. "And yes, tell your partner to suck better dick. Clearly he's falling down and it's putting him in a bitchy mood too." That one blushed and ducked his head. "Now, anyone else want to pick on me today?" They all shook their heads. He looked at the agent. "You done too?"
"We need you to be more careful."
"I'm going to go soak some radioactive shit in my blood and then blow it across LA. That should stop the LA office selling me to Hong Kong natives, huh?" He walked off again.
"Oooh, shit," Esposito muttered, heading after him. "Xander!"
"Bite me! They tried to sell me twice this week. Thankfully to demons." He slammed the stairwell door.
Beckett looked at him. "Clearly your office has an issue."
"Will he make good on that threat?" he asked.
She stared at him. "I don't care." He gaped. "Did some of your fellow agents sell his blood test results and information to others?"
"I don't know."
"Then you've got a bigger problem than a demon hunter who's pissed at you. Those of us who he still likes will calm him down today. You, go fix that."
"If he's a danger to the US....."
"He'll have you eaten," she said bluntly. "He knows enough higher level demons to take out this city, if not others. The reasons he doesn't are his cats, his best friend and near sister, and some of us who are friends. You... just made him look past all that. Worse than the last time they tried to use him to start an apocalypse. That time ended up outing demon kind." He shuddered.
"So go back to DC," she ordered. "Fix that leak of yours, and don't come near Xander again. And if you have agents at his house, he will kill everyone over his cats since he bottle fed them." He nodded, making that call. She called Xander. Who vowed if they were in his house they were dead. Another voice came on and said he'd make sure of it then hung up. "Shit, Esposito, a demon's already stalking him."
"Yeah, heard that already," he said, coming back out of the stairs. "He just came to capture him because the Department of Homeland Security gave the boy to him." He punched the agent. "Pass that on, okay?" He called Faith, who said she'd deal with it. Then he called Dean and Sam to get her some backup.
Willow answered her phone. "Rosenburg," she said absently while she typed a paper for class. She stopped typing. "Excuse me, Dean? What was that?" She listened to him. "Said...." She hung up and looked up that number, calling them. "What the hell happened to Xander this time?" she asked calmly. She stood up. "Oh hell no!" she assured him. She hung up. "Daniel, please babysit," she called, heading to find Buffy and Gunn. Angel would have liabilities, namely that he hated Xander. She and Buffy still liked Xander, even if he was always in trouble. This shit was going to be stopped. Today.
In Spain, Anya looked up when the power started to flux. "She's really going to destroy everyone this time. I hope Xander can stop her." She prayed for it, as hard as she could, calling out to the higher angels to stop Willow. They probably didn't want to destroy everyone this week. She hoped.
Beckett hung up. "Rosenburg swore, people." A few flinched. She went to lay into the ones that had been picking on Xander, yelling at the top of her lungs about that. It felt good. It was good stress relief.
Ryan called General O'Neill. "Rosenburg was swearing because some guy in Homeland sold Xander to a demon," he said quietly. "We're anticipating the end of the world soon. We have no idea. We have told Faith." He hung up and started to pray. Maybe he should hit confession today. It'd been a while since he had went.
Esposito looked at him. "We can stop her, bro."
"I'm wondering if this is another demonic attempt to start an apocalypse."
"I don't know," Montgomery said. "Harris isn't home. Alexis has all four cats at her place. She called me. Rick is talking to his people. That Homeland agent is talking to his people." He listened. "Beckett's going to need some throat spray." He went to help her. He needed to yell too. "Someone tell the Winchesters?"
"Already done." Esposito went down to tell his dates of the evening. Maybe they could help even though they weren't really *good*.
Buffy and Willow appeared wherever the demon was holding Xander, staring in awe at the ass kicking Xander was giving them. "When did he learn that?"
"Martial arts lessons," he sneered. He went back to kicking him around. "Still think you want me?"
"I own you," he moaned.
Xander held out a hand. "Stake." Buffy handed one over. Xander killed him with a stake in the eye. "No, you don't own me. Dead people can't own things." He watched as Willow dissolved the body. He looked at them. "And you're here to help why?"
"Because you got taken by a demon," Buffy said. "Someone sold you to them."
"Hmm, yup. They sure did." He walked around them. "Let's get home before someone worries."
"They need to be destroyed," Willow said.
"I'm going to destroy them all. That's my fun," he assured her a bit coolly. "Now, let's go please." She nodded, looking scared. The last time she had seen that level of temper he had just kicked in a door to find her and Anya together. Xander let them take him to LA, where he went to find the biggest, baddest lawyer he could. "Mr. Tyr," he said in greeting. The demon was fleeing the building. They stared at each other. "Homeland did it to me."
"Oh, shit," he muttered. "I... We're going to have a psychic earthquake."
"No, I'd kill her if she does that."
The demon lawyer stared at him. "Excuse me?" Someone hissed in his ear. "That is very bad. What do you want to do, Harris?"
"I want to fucking destroy everyone involved and cackle pleasingly while they're ground between two stones." He smirked. "Want to be my stone turning handle?"
"Yes, I would." He walked him off to start that. Including calming down the local demon society.
"If you didn't help with the plot to try to own my pretty ass, you're safe. If not, I'd hit a lower realm somewhere," he called as they walked into the demon council building. "Because I'm *so* in the mood to take Connor's place!" A few fled but the rest were giving him scared looks. Another demon appeared and tried to grab Xander. Xander killed it. Then he chopped it into pieces using his hunting knife he had on him. He set them on fire and walked away from the mess. The demonic council for LA was giving him horrified looks. He stared back.
"No, I'm not in a good mood," he said bluntly. "I'm in the mood to destroy anything and anyone who had part in that plan." A few nodded and one looked nervous. "I'm going to kill everyone involved. Am I being heard?" They all nodded. "This is my present instrument of torture, Mr. Tyr." He smiled sweetly and they all shivered. "I'll let him tell me how much pleasure I'll get watching that same thing happen."
"We do need to know any humans involved as well," the demon lawyer assured them. "Xander, please calm down?"
"Fine. Try to calm down?"
"No. I'm not ready for calm yet. I'm still in happy destruction mode." He smiled. "I'm going to the FBI next."
"I can go with you. Make sure you get there." He glared at the council. Who all wilted and nodded they'd help. He drove the boy over to the FBI building, finding armed guards there. So they used the parking garage and got around the guards on the elevators. Epps was loading up his gun. "No, Agent Epps, I believe you need to talk to him about the agents who sold him," he said, letting Xander follow.
Don Epps stared. "You made a threat against my city?" he demanded.
"Yes, I did, because some of your agents kindly sold me to demons so they could take my blood and use it to kill others." He smiled sweetly. "I'm going to destroy them all."
Don dropped his gun, staring at the kid. "Excuse me?"
Mr. Tyr sighed and pulled up a sealed file his office had. "We do keep track of all apocalypse attempts that our competitors, Wolfram and Hart, do. They infected him with another sample recently so we got a very full set of bloodwork." He let him see it. "He's already had to save himself from a few demons."
Don read it then looked at Xander. "Prove it was them." The lawyer found that file his secretary had sent when asked. "Hackers?"
Don nodded once, handing it to his boss when he carefully came over. "I'd blow up that building too."
Xander sat down. "I don't care about the building but the ones who did it to me.... I think they'll make pretty greasy spots."
"Yeah, they probably will," Don agreed. "Can you please calm down?"
"No." He smirked. "It's been a pretty bad day. Starting with the police busting in to get the people who had gotten me drunk and apparently helped me have an orgy last night. Moved on from there to being picked on by the officers in New York. Not the ones I talk to mostly but their coworkers." Don shuddered. "And then this. So no. I don't really care about any human or demonic forms of life at the moment."
"We can arrest them with this information," Don's supervisor said. "Would that calm you down?"
"They can do it again. Not like a gag order will really work. Especially since they sold me to some nice people in Hong Kong as well."
"Oh, dear," Don said. "Can we prove it?" Mr. Tyr wrote someone an email and got proof sent to him. They were going to do anything they had to do to stop the upcoming one-man apocalypse. Not even the slayers could save humanity this time. His boss was shuddering. "At least you left the artillery at home," Don said.
Xander smirked. "Why would I need artillery? It's much more satisfying to rip them apart by hand."
"Yeah, it probably is."
"And I can guarantee you that no one will ever do it again when I'm done with them. Therefore instant safety." He smiled again.
Don nodded, hugging the kid. "I get that, and I agree, we need you safer, Xander." He looked up. "Colby, check on his accounts?"
"They're sealed," Mr. Tyr said. "By order of Homeland Security."
"Hey, more people to kill," Xander quipped. "Are my cats all right?"
"They're with that other writer's daughter."
"Good!" He smiled. Then looked at Don. "You should come see my warehouse. It's *huge* and has stuff I can't identify in there."
Mr. Tyr stared at him oddly. "The one in New York?"
"Yes, I inherited it from a date during that curse." He smirked. "My house is on top of it actually."
"No one's supposed to touch you," he said. "That breaks a major demonic covenant." He walked off calling someone, sounding frantic in his native language. He winced and kicked a wall but said something else. Then something more quietly. He came back. "The High Council said it can be passed on."
"It goes from me to Sam Winchester." Xander smirked. "Then to John Sheppard."
"No, those aren't people that would make others happy," Mr. Tyr said. Xander shrugged. "Good point. Do you have some reason that the High Council should leave you alone?"
Xander smirked and wrote out something, handing it to him. "Look there."
"That's in Sunnydale."
"Yes, it is." He called that bank to get the safety deposit box opened and sent to him. The demon courier looked sick when it appeared. He looked inside and then stared at him. "Are those... Those are summoning dolls."
"Yes, they are," Xander agreed with a smug look. "I have owed debts."
He tested them and walked off the dolls to call them outside. Six members of the Demonic High Council. Three other very high demons. One of D'Hoffryn's but he disappeared with a squeak. He'd get him later. "Xander Harris had these in his possession. Was it a legal ownership?" They had to tell the truth. They had vowed blood into those dolls and lying about it would kill them. They nodded. "The High Council has seen fit to use him to start a demonic overthrow of this country by trying to sell his blood." They all stared. D'Hoffryn's minion came back looking smug. "Xander Harris is in a rage of epic proportions. He wants to destroy a good many people over this so they never try it again."
The High Council members sneered. "He should die."
Xander walked up behind them with Don behind him. "I want you six on the Council to kill yourselves and give your positions to your wives or daughters." They fought the compulsion but had to obey the pay off. The lawyer gave him a strange look. "They'd have to be better and it's clear that their gender are stupid in their clans."
"Clearly." He looked at the others. "We could expose those agents, sue their agency, and make sure everyone knew to leave you alone, Xander. You do hold the Warehouse and them trying you just broke the most basic covenants and peace treaties. The Warehouse was built in as a swearing point for centuries now."
Xander looked at him. "I don't want the peaceful ones that didn't try me at war."
"Good. That's rational, we like that," Don said. He gave him a shoulder squeeze. If he had to he'd hug the kid to get him calmed down. Stopping an apocalypse was worth being so unmanly and cuddling. "Can they do something so all this is stopped and whoever else knows about your blood can't use it?"
"That would probably get him dead," the wish demon noted. "Mostly by fire so they couldn't use his dead blood either." Xander nodded. "If you wish...."
"You try. Watch me take your mangled corpse to D'Hoffryn." The demon nodded and bowed his head. He looked at the others. "It's up to you whether or not I destroy a good portion of demon kind and a government agency today. Because I'm still at the point where for all I care I can preempt the plot and give it to everyone." A few shuddered. "So, let's hear some ideas, people. If they're nice enough I'll let that be your owed debt. If not, I'll get creative. I'm sure the muses have ideas about destruction too."
Buffy and Willow rushed up, Willow with her daughter. "What the hell are you doing bringing her here?" Don shouted. "That's endangering your daughter's life!"
"I'd never hurt her." Xander took her to hold. "Hi, Olivia." She patted him and smiled. He grinned back. "You learn how to destroy people from Uncle Xander today, sweetheart. We'll work on destroying stupid things together. Yeah, you can keep me a bit calmer."
"That's why I brought her," Willow said.
Daniel stomped up. "Xander, she's not to learn how to destroy demons until she's eighteen," he complained.
"You might want to make sure no one took some of the bloodwork I've had done and infected her," he said, handing her to her daddy. "Willow brought her to calm me down."
"I'll be paddling her later," Daniel assured him, hugging his girl. "Have they?"
"It's been a minor plot," Xander admitted.
"I'll kill 'em myself then." Xander smirked. "What's going on?" Xander told him. Daniel covered his daughter's ears before bursting out swearing. Willow was giving him a worried look and trying to get her daughter. "Woman, go home," Daniel snarled. She fled. She took Buffy with her. He looked at Xander. "I'll beat her later."
"You might ask Detective Beckett about fertility magic Tara found on her."
"I can do so." He looked at the demons. "You're finally calling in the poker debts?"
"From the box in Sunnydale." Tyr whimpered. Xander smirked. "I could be evil and have the New York one sent."
"No, these ones should be more than plenty." They all nodded and got back to work planning on how to stop it. They even included the puny human agents to make them feel better. They let the mini-witch go home for now. Harris would only get scarier if they went near the baby or her father.
A higher demon appeared, sighing as she pushed her hair back. "What we're going to do is this," she announced. "We are going to go back and stop those demons who were so stupid as to break the treaties, children." They all stared at her. "That way Xander is not sold to any demons, he does not have to destroy everyone everywhere, and he does not have to finish ripping them apart at the seams. Though it will be coming out so he can sue them. That way no one will ever try it again." She patted Xander on the head. "Secondly, the last two protections on your apartment are missing so I'm going to put them on. We will leave a few people who know so you can lean on them when this all comes out." She looked at them. They all agreed because she could and would kill them in a horrible, messy manner if they didn't. "Xander, that would cancel those debts, correct?"
"Good." She smiled. "I know that leaves the box you have in New York, the other one in Sunnydale, and the one in DC." She patted him again. "Let us get on that immediately," she said, staring at the wish demon. He nodded and cast that wish so it was going to be right. End of panic for most of them. The warehouse wasn't going to go to Sam Winchester for a long time, until after his prophesied moment passed. Xander would calm down and quit trying to kill humanity. It was probably the best plan any of them could have.
Ryan got a head's up feeling and answered his phone as it rang. And suddenly he remembered. He said a quiet thank you at the information that one other would remember, then hung up and pulled Beckett aside. She was clearly remembering too, but not all of it. So he told her about the assholes who had decided to pick on Xander. She nodded and they would handle it more quietly. They went to break up the 'got Xander drunk' party and realized that it had added a different person as well. So therefore he'd still have to go to the doctor's and do the humiliating confession part.
They had no idea who the transvestite brunette in the bad wig was. Esposito lost the coin toss so he got to wake her up and stared. Sam Winchester. Okay then. The demons were getting freaky. They got the others arrested, downtown, called their various agencies if they had one, and the State Department for the former KGB officer. Ryan stayed to wake up Xander. Who stared oddly at him. "You got drunk."
"I don't drink," he mumbled.
"Yeah, I think that's how they did it, Xander." Xander woke up when Sam flopped down next to him. Ryan grinned. They were cute.
Sam woke Xander up. "Why was I wearing a wig, dude?" he asked, sounding a bit stoned.
Xander looked confused. "When did you get here?"
"I don't know."
"Huh." He shrugged and cuddled. "Nice and comfy, Sam. Thank you."
"Guys, we have to talk about the agents and others who used you both as sex toys," Ryan said. Sam whined, diving under the covers. Ryan went to make coffee. Never let it be said that Kevin Ryan didn't understand how those things happened. He had went to college. He had even went to frat parties. Somehow he had even managed to end up in a tent on top of the admin building with half a sorority and one frat brother in a very compromising position during a snowstorm. He'd actually like the memories to that night back. So he'd be understanding with the boys. This time. He also fed the kittens, who adored him for it, and put down two cans of tuna. They quit trying to climb him for that largess. He brought up two cups of coffee for the boys, finding them both snoring. "Boys!" he snapped. They jumped and stared at him. "Coffee?"
Xander blinked a few times, looking around. "I didn't know Sam was here. Sam, did we have fun and I don't remember?"
"I'm not sure," he admitted, making himself unhide and sit up. "I remember waking up in a strange wig." Xander gave him a confused look. They both gratefully took the coffee.
"We took nine agents and others out of here," Ryan told them. They both stared at him. "A few were Xander dates of ages past, some were more recent ones." Xander whimpered. "Drink the coffee, Xander." Xander nodded, drinking it with a grimace. "You're out of sugar."
"Okay," he said, sounding weak. "Why does my mouth taste like a frog?"
"They got you drunk."
"I don't drink."
"I know that. That's why it didn't take too much to turn into a bad girl, and two boy, orgy." Sam whimpered, shaking his head. "Drink, Sam. It'll make it better. They both drank and things looked a bit more clear. "Want driven to the doctor's, guys?" They both nodded. "Shower and all that." They went in to do that, Sam going to his usual room.
"Oh, my god, I was wearing pink hotpants?" he complained.
"No clue," Ryan admitted. But that was an image he didn't want to have, thank you very much.
"Um, no, I think Megan was under her skirt," Xander called.
"These morning after moments should always feel weird. That's how you know it's not healthy," Ryan said. He went to make them some food to soak up any remaining alcohol. It could only help. Sam was looking pouty. Xander still looked confused. "Get down," he told the cat on the counter. "You know better. Your daddy will spray you." He ran. Ryan checked the open cabinet and removed the cat from the glasses. "You too." He put her down and she ran off. Xander trudged down the stairs pulling on a shirt. Ryan gave him the toast. Xander hugged him. "It's all right."
"Nine?" he mumbled.
"Nice. Two agents."
"Huh." He pulled back to look then at the cats. "If I leave the door open, you four get into trouble. You tried to jump to the next building the other day. They'd eat you over there so you're not allowed outside when Daddy's not home."
Sam came down the stairs. "Xander, I had to bum clothes. I don't have any." Ryan handed him the toast and the house phone. Even he knew Dean was an overprotective big brother sort. Sam nodded, dialing him. "Somehow I ended up at Xander's in a date night thing with others. I'm okay." He hung up and ate the toast. "I have no idea what sort of liquor they used."
Xander shrugged. "I don't keep any in the house."
"Good point." They looked, no bottles in the trash. The cats got petted and sent to play. Xander and Sam went to his doctor's. Ryan went back to work. Beckett was already chewing someone a new one for teasing the boys by text.
"Walk of shame at the doc's?" Esposito guessed.
"Yup. They had toast and coffee. The cats are getting too spoiled."
"He needs cabinet locks," Rick agreed. Ryan nodded. "Why wasn't the patio door open for air?"
"Xander said one of them tried to be adopted by the next building."
"Cats are adventurous." They got back to filling out paperwork. "How many more background checks?"
"Three," Esposito complained, handing them to his partner so he could get coffee.
Ryan went in there to talk to them. "All right, let's be blunt," he said, staring at them. "Xander's going to do a confession to his doc." They all moaned and shook their heads. "Nothing?" They shook their heads again. "We're certain?"
"They don't let skanky hos do their sort of work," Megan quipped with a grin.
The transexual agent looked at her. "Someone had a yeast infection I think, but no, we're allowed to be non-skanky hos. We can't pick up and sex up foreign agents for sexpionage when we're dirty that way."
Ryan smiled. "Thanks, guys. Sam... Any idea how Sam got there?"
"Brunette guy with the wig? No clue," the actual male agent admitted. "He just appeared."
"Okay. We can handle that." He went back to his desk to tell Xander's phone that. It could help their doctor a lot.
Beckett came back. "Did the last two say anything?"
"I asked about the doctor's visit both boys are doing."
"I'm hoping like hell they used condoms."
"Me too," Ryan admitted. "Though no one's sure how or when Sam got there. Or why he was in the wig."
"Dean's going to throw a massive fit," she decided.
"I had Sam call him."
Xander looked at the agent who was bothering him on his way back home. "Yes?" he asked impatiently.
"Mr. Harris, thank you for calming down."
Xander shrugged. "Sometimes it's gotta happen, dude."
"I agree. It let us do a lot of housekeeping duties we've been needing to do. I've talked to the lawyer that I got told you used then, and he'll be helping you. Agent Epps also said to please stay calm and send back the three evil bitches you dated."
"They got me drunk, it wasn't my idea," Xander complained.
"I'll talk to Detective Beckett then." He stared at him. "You do have protections?"
"You are taking precautions, all that?" Xander nodded. "Good." He smiled. "Why is your cab waiting?"
"I don't know."
Sam walked over to talk to him. "He paid you a twenty, the fare is under that." Xander handed over a five. The guy complained. "I'm calling your dispatcher." The cab roared off and Sam did call them to complain about that.
The agent smirked. "Maybe you two should make a go of it."
"Still straight, dude, and some day I want the quiet, white picket fence lifestyle instead of the hunting one." Sam smirked a bit evilly.
"If I die too soon, the warehouse is yours," Xander quipped.
"It'll give me something to do and my future kids a place to play." They both stared at the agent. "Are you going to cause him more problems?"
"No. Just letting him know I know what happened."
"Thank you," Xander said with a sweet smile. "If they try to use me that way again I'll let you know so you can go 'oooh, he's more mad this time' from front row seats."
"Good." He walked off, catching his own cab back to the station. He had some questions about that warehouse and what it might contain. He figured the officers the boy leaned on to arrest his dates might know. He walked off into a screaming match. "Epps said that he wanted his dirtbags back in LA, Detective."
She stared at him. "I'll call Don later." He smirked. "You're the one that kept it."
"I am and it let me do a lot of housekeeping we needed to do." He smirked harder. "What is up with that warehouse?"
"It's freakishly large. It goes on for miles. It holds things that are a danger to humanity so they can't be used. Demons consider the owner and keeper of the warehouse to be sacred," Ryan said as he typed, not looking up. "It has possessed and other mystical artifacts in there plus now and then things from General O'Neill's project and a few other things. Now and then people ship stuff to there for Xander. Like weapons."
"I still like the nicely wrapped missile system," Castle said with a grin.
"I didn't like having to tow it back to the CSI lab building," Beckett said. "We looked like a parade float."
"At least it was covered so no one guessed what it was," Esposito quipped. "The neighboring factories give us really funny looks whenever we're carrying artillery out."
"True," she agreed. "They do stand and stare whenever Taylor or we show up to weed out any new presents."
"Poker debts?" the agent from Homeland asked.
"No, those go into a speciality warehouse we monitor. We made sure of it." She smirked at him. "Xander knows he can't use anything and is to tell us as soon as he gets something. If he needs it for an apocalypse battle all he has to do is let us know but it goes directly into the storage area."
"It's our city's invasion vault," Ryan quipped with a grin. "He's got good taste too."
Esposito nodded. "Even I've went down there for some weapon petting time after a bad case."
"Those, I go play with his cats," Ryan told his partner. "They're mostly happy to be petted and played with. Xander never minds. He even lets me use the pool."
"I should get in on that plan this summer."
"You're both insane," she told them. They grinned. "They only try to climb up me and investigate my shoes."
"They do the same thing to Paula," Rick said as he walked back in with his new coffee. "Things are getting back to normal I see?"
"Xander could probably use his paychecks from the last place," Ryan said.
"I'm going to ask for them today when I get mine. Tara asked me to because Xander's bank account is looking strange to her."
One of the newly arrested Xander dates coughed. "She'll be putting that back, Mr. Castle. We've already had a talk with her about stealing from Xander." The others all shivered at his polite, gentle tone of voice.
"Don't make me do more work," Beckett warned. "I hate having to put off dates for paperwork and dead bodies."
"That's not a problem, Detective. There's so many more interesting places to put people you don't want found than New York City." He smiled. The others nodded that was true.
One of Xander's dates from LA sighed. "I miss having the ocean so conveniently close by. It did make cleaning up that weapons dealing street gang so much easier and nicer."
The male looked down at him. "I send mine to someone I know that has a mine field he tests with new designs. They make great weights to be dropped on top of them and he always enjoys the mess. Creates art from it."
"Eww," Ryan said.
"People seem to like spatter artworks. They go for many dollars."
The homeland agent shook his head as he walked off. This was too strange for him. It really was. He'd talk to the detectives later, when the insanity had been put into a holding cell.
The detectives and Castle shared a smirk then smirked at the daters. "You're welcome," Megan quipped.
"I wonder if we could loosen his stick up his ass the way we loosened Xander's muses last night," one of the ladies said.
"We don't want to know," the detectives said in unison.
"But if you want, I'll take notes as future ideas," Rick chimed in. Beckett swatted him. "I'm sure Xander would probably like to know too."
"Can you see if I left my ruby broach there?" one of the women asked. "I got it off my first hit and it's very sentimental to me."
"Sure, we can ask Xander that," Esposito agreed. "Though we'd have to see if it was stolen."
"No, I erased that file." She smiled at them.
"We'll ask after they get back from the doctor's," Ryan said.
"But we didn't have anything," the male former agent said.
"You guys don't know if Sam might have though. He's always on the road and sometimes picks up waitresses, so there's no telling," Esposito said.
"And it's better anyway," Ryan agreed. "Especially since Rosenburg has been playing with fertility magic and wanting to have a niece from him." They all shuddered.
"I want the morning after pack," Megan said quickly. The other women nodded.
"With Rosenburg, we all need it," the male former agent muttered.
"Tell me about it," Rick snorted. "She tried to get me. Tara had to yell at her after she took the spells off me." They all shivered.
"We'll see what we can do," Beckett said, calling the prison doc about that. He wasn't used to magic but if they could get the morning after pills for the two males, so be it. The others he was allowed to give out if requested.
The dates all shared a look. Perhaps it hadn't been their idea to party with Xander at the same time after all. Most of them weren't the sort to share. They hadn't figured out what they had been drinking. Or how Sam had gotten there and into such a fetching wig.
Ryan looked up. "If it was her doing, Tara would hate having to move back to LA to cover it. Beth wouldn't move with her. She'd hate to lose Beth and Xander." They nodded at that. "Also remember she has a little girl and a husband."
Megan smiled. "Maybe we can teach her husband how to use a shock collar or something if this was her idea. I'm sure he'd be brilliant at it with a bit of instruction."
"With what Angel used to be he might even have one available," the male former agent agreed.
"I'm pretty certain if Willow's made any of you pregnant, Xander's going to let Daniel hold the baby while he kicks Willow around," Beckett said dryly. "He's promised to a few times before." They smiled at her. They still wanted the morning after pills, just in case.
Xander warped probabilities for fun.
Rosenburg did insane things that worked when they shouldn't.
Those gifts together was why the good guys had won for so long. Turned against each other, even hell wouldn't take the bet that something wasn't going to happen.
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