Xander came back from LA sore and tired, and a bit cranky from the
flight. He smiled when Jensen crawled into him and bumped his
legs. "Hey, Jensen." He picked him up to hug. "I
needed this. The flight was nasty and LA was bad." He
flopped down on the couch still cuddling him. "What did you guys
do to Dawn?" Jensen yawned and babbled noise at him. Xander
grinned. "I missed you guys too." He let Jake babble all he
wanted. The others crawled out of the kitchen. "Did Dawn eat
"No, she's letting you destress. We heard it was a bad fight."
Xander nodded. "Bit of one. And then two exes who
protested. Damn but they thought I was sweet and gentle until she
decided to attack me." He shook his head. "Anyway, it's all
handled and we're good." He looked at Jake again, smiling
some. "I even got to taunt Deadboy that my sons are cooler than
his." Jake grinned back.
Dawn came out of the kitchen in her sweats and a sloppy ponytail in her
hair. "Connor's not bad." She took Jensen to look at
him. "You crawled away from dinner." He babbled at
her. She smiled. "I need to learn how to translate babbling
baby, huh?" She carried him back in there to grab his dinner and
bring it back out. "The rest of your horde already ate."
"That's good." He picked up Cougar to hold, getting scowled
at. "Keep it up, don't get presents." Cougar huffed but let
himself be held. "Thank you. Like I said, you guys are
getting cuddled. I'm like that." Dawn looked at him.
"The flight was damn nasty. Storms over the ocean. Two
panicking flight attendants on their maiden trips who both got sick from
the extreme turbulence. One of the others on the flight was a
stupid ex, who decided to pick a fight about what happened in LA on the
plane in front of witnesses." She grimaced. "And got
arrested by the air marshal. Who glared at me but yay. The
pilot had him arrested once we got on the ground."
"Sounds like your luck, yeah," she said dryly. "Why did he protest?"
"Because I so ruined her." He shrugged. "There's a pain in
the ass in LA that also got taken out." He gave Cougar a
squeeze. "So we're good and I'm sure someone will come scowl about
"Maybe." She pried Cougar from his arms and put him on the
floor. "Go play." Cougar glared at her. She stared
back. "What?" He moved to help Jake eat. "That's nice
of you. Are you still hungry? I can go make some
oatmeal." No one said anything. "Okay." She looked at
Xander. "It had to be done. It was you or some FBI
person. At least you could benefit from it." He
nodded. "And the other one?"
"Giles said he wasn't aware that he was paying you Council social security."
Xander snorted. "He still owes me paychecks from when I was in
Africa too. Please remind him of that and how much kids cost to
raise. Because we can sell this place and move back there."
"He'd hate that."
He groaned and shifted, pulling out an envelope. "My final
paperwork for them. Including the report without the morally
She glanced through it, grimacing. "He won't reimburse you for the weapons."
"Yes he will because he's the one that ordered me to take them out. Not like I used mine."
"I'll try." She put it into the envelope and looked at him.
"Want a hug?" He gave her one. She patted him. "Your
cousin is being driven nuts by his boss. They *so* need to screw."
"If he's what does it for Danny then I'll be happy for him. Of
course, if he doesn't protect Danny I'm going to kill him." She
grinned. He smirked back. "Do we have anything subtly
stomach clearing?" She handed the ignored bowl of cheerios.
"That'll work." He nibbled and turned on the tv to watch some
local news. "Any problems with the house?"
"No. They did a great job. I painted everything down here
for you because it was yucky paint. Oh, and you have
lizards." Xander nodded once. "That cat?"
"I have no idea. He loves to sit in that tree and watch us."
He shrugged. "He's fine." She nodded. It took nearly
an hour for someone to show up and nag. "Hey, Danny," he called
when he saw him huffing toward the door.
Danny walked in and took off his shoes then stared at his cousin. "Who was the putz on the plane?"
"An ex who thought I had more morals?" He shrugged. "Giles
ordered me to take him out before he created an apocalypse. Then I
found another problem and got vindictive when they started to talk
about taking me as a sex slave and my boys as future ones. They
were wrong and now they're sorry they were wrong." He ate another
cheerio. "The one on the plane decided to jump my ass in front of
people. That was his mistake and the other people on the plane
didn't like hearing about his stupidity with weapons."
Danny opened his mouth and then wiped it off. "Okay," he said, backtracking. "What happened in LA?"
"Long story and Dawn's got sensitive ears." He stared at him. "Giles ordered."
"To do..... what?" Danny pressed.
"To take him out before he could cause an apocalypse."
"And you...baited? Stole? Any sins I should hear about before there's an agent out here?"
"I talked to the ones in LA. They were happy to get his
files. They were amazed he was pulling things because he was
broke." Danny gaped. "Legitimately mostly broke. He
had plans to pull a scam to afford his next weapons purchase. Then
one of the others I know got mad I got sent to make him not a
problem. She's not happy. Yay but she's not happy."
"And did we turn her in?" Danny asked.
"Yeah. After she broke into my hotel room and tied me up? Yeah, she's in jail."
Dawn snorted. "Figures." Xander swatted her. "Hey!"
"Yay." He nibbled again. "We had huge turbulence on the flight over."
"I heard." He tapped his fingers against his hips. "Any other sins I should hear about?"
"The one in LA suggested I bankrupt one of the local ones." He
shrugged and nibbled again, letting Jensen have the bowl when he
reached. "You're welcome, Jake." Jensen grinned and
nibbled. He looked at his cousin again. "The FBI asked me to
go sex up someone for breaking them. Promised I could keep
whatever I wanted from him. It was an ex girlfriend who asked if I
was there for them. I said kinda and that they promised me all
her weapons. Then I grinned. She cackled and said she'd give
me some if I got her off before she got me off.
"So I have a few new things coming. She's whining in a cell
because she tried to kill me when I won that bet. But she was nice
in bed while it lasted." Clay was staring at him in awe.
"And the other one that tried to bust in and say she was now his, and I
was poaching, he's really sorry but I can't do much about him without
calling another ex, who loves it when I ruin the others because he
thinks it means I'll go back to him."
Danny wiped his mouth off again. "You're fucking insane."
"I think it's hereditary."
"Not hardly. I'm not. My little girl's not. Only you."
"Mom was. She got a check for it." He smirked.
"Your father's a dick head," he assured him. He huffed. "By the
way, she survived and I've already called to tell her I was going to
kick her ass for the way she treated you so piss poorly." Dawn
snickered. "I take it you knew?"
"Yeah. I met the drunks once." She hugged Xander. "Let
me hit the couch while you take them up for bath time. They did
not like me trying to give them a bath."
Xander looked at them. "You guys like Dawn. She buys you
clothes and toys." They all smiled at her. "She can babysit
and give baths too. She's seen dicks before, even tiny ones like
you guys have right now. When you're older I'd mind but you're too
young to hit on her yet." Roque cackled. "Danny, wanna help
with bath time?"
"Sure." He took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves.
The kids got carried upstairs, Jensen taking a few last cheerios with
him to nibble while he soaked. They got the boys in together and
started to scrub. Clay and Roque got opposite ends with Pooch next
to Clay and Cougar next to Roque, with Jensen in the middle. He
cackled when they both cleaned him up. The boys got taken to get
dressed and put down. Now Roque and Clay shared a room, Pooch got
the smallest one with the shared dresser and changing table, and Cougar
and Jensen shared one. That suited everyone but Clay, but Xander
didn't care. They would work things out eventually.
Dawn grinned, cleaning up the baby mess. She flopped down on the
couch, exhausted by the boys. She was so glad she didn't have any
kids. With how mean they were, she'd never want one.
A few months later, Xander was sneaking into a house. He was
actually pretty good at it and managed to knock Steve down when he came
down the stairs with a gun. "What did I say about protecting my
cousin?" he asked, staring down at him.
"I did my best," he said.
"Clearly not good enough." Xander stared at him. "I'll have
something eat you if he's killed. Am I clear?" Steve nodded
slowly. "Good. Because you'll be awake, aware, and screaming
the whole time. I know some of the nastiest things ever brought
to this plane. I can pick one that'll take *weeks*."
"I get it," he said, reaching for his backup weapon.
Xander leaned down to get into his face. "Some of us like the
remaining members of our family. If you take that from me, you're
doomed. If I have to start an apocalypse here on this pretty,
overly warm island of fussy people so be it."
"How did you get new money, go broke, have the new money show up in another account and then get more weapons?"
"The FBI asked." He sneered. "You nearly got him
killed. Clearly someone missed a few lessons somewhere if you
think that's a good idea." He stared down at him. "Do not
get my family dead or you will live to regret it. For a
while." He let him up. "If you needed help that badly,
ask!" He huffed off.
Steve hopped up to follow him. He caught up to Xander at the car
and took a swing. Xander ducked it and kicked him, then moved to
attack. Steve had underestimated the kid. Of course, the kid
also pulled out a dagger. "Can't brawl?" he sneered.
"Of course I can but you attacking me means that you're fair game."
Danny came out of the house. "Hold it."
Xander ducked another hit and then moved to the side and kicked Steve
again, getting one back. Xander used the non-knife hand to hit him
on the ribs, making him wince. He followed it up by a vicious
backswing with the knife hand that Steve ducked and hit back at.
"I said stop it," Danny ordered, coming down off the porch. He got
between them, making them pull away. Xander threw something at
Steve, making him scream in pain when it hit. "Xander! I
swear to God!" he warned.
"Then perhaps he should be schooled in what a partner means," he said,
staring at his cousin. "Because I've never seen such a
"He's a SEAL, not a cop. He's slowly learning."
"You nearly died. I'll be damned if I'm missing the good parts of
the family." He walked off. "Baby powder will kill that."
Danny looked at him. "In the house, let's get that
fixed." He walked him in there, finding some powder.
It worked and Steve sighed in relief as it quit feeling like he was
covered in tiny electrical sources. "He's probably not sorry,"
Danny said quietly.
"No, I'd probably do the same if my sister ended up in the same state
you were in." He stared at him. "I was more testing him."
"Uh-huh. Ask him to spar instead." He sat him down and got some damp paper towels to blot the new bleeding spots.
"Was he pulling his punches?"
"No clue. Ask the boy. He clearly learned how to fight
somewhere since he couldn't when he was younger." Steve nodded
once, letting the small things be cleaned up. "I'll calm him down
"Thank you." He got up. "You should still be in bed resting."
"Probably." He grabbed his phone and went back to his temporary
bed. They had only let him out of the hospital if he was watched
for a few days. He laid down and called Xander.
"Explain. Yourself. To me," he ordered. He
listened. "That's my job, Xander. The same as doing insane
stuff that nearly gets you dead is yours." He listened. "I'd
do the same yeah, but there's no way I could do that because you jump
into things that'll get you dead. It's not like they intentionally
send you on cases that could get you dead. If they did, I'd kick
their asses." He huffed. "If you didn't volunteer I probably
would've already went to chew Giles a new one." Xander hung up on
him and he dialed him again. "Don't you dare," he said into the
voicemail. He got up holding his ribs and found his shirt and
shoes, heading off to talk to his stubborn cousin before this caused
"I'll drive," Steve said.
"Like hell. This is family stuff." He stomped off. He had to come back to get the keys. "Thank you."
"I can help."
"You'd probably piss him off more right now."
"You're in no shape to drive. I can stay in the car." He
followed him. "Let me back you up," he said more quietly.
Danny stared at him. "Generous but not needed. You wouldn't
want it with your sister." He got into the car and headed
off. He had to break into the house but he still had a log-in with
the security system. He walked up the stairs. "Don't tell
me you left them alone," he ordered. "I will kick your ass about
"No. I had a babysitter."
"Uh-huh." He took Cougar and put him back onto the changing table
then shoved Xander. "How dare you threaten my partner."
Xander stared at him. "He nearly got you killed."
"So? That's the job sometimes. I'm sure you've had those days."
"Mine was because of an overwhelming force, mostly demonic, not because
someone didn't understand what backup and partners were. Hell,
there were plenty of times I would've treated a partner like they were a
precious resource. I know what one's for."
"He had no intention of getting me hurt."
"Yay! He still nearly managed that!"
"You're not losing me, Xander. So calm the fuck down." Xander glared. "Pretty clear what it was."
Xander snorted. "You're still crap at reading me." He stared
at him. "Are you going to leave your daughter to her mom and
stepdad if you die?"
Danny took a step back and calmed himself a tiny bit. "No, I'm not. I hope I never do."
"And yet, you did something that even I would consider fucking
dumb. Did the academy not teach you how to sneak?" Danny
slapped at him and he ducked. "Real good." He stared at
him. "I realize there's some crushiness going on there. That
one of you is being all happy with the new partner and the other one is
getting used to it again. If he gets you dead, he's going next
and I'll take out whoever did it to you instead. Then I'll be your
daughter's favorite cousin."
Danny stared at him. "Shouldn't I be the pissed off one because you attacked my partner?"
"No. Rachel told me what happened because she was nearly
crying. She didn't want to face that fate. Isn't that one of
the reasons you broke up?" Danny gaped. "None of the rest
of us want to see you in that final uniform either. So either
train with him so you don't get hurt by becoming a semi-SEAL or teach
him how to better use a partner. Because Rachel told me I can have
him killed if he gets you dead."
Danny shook his head. "It's not like that."
"Bullshit. I was part of one of the most dysfunctional teams
ever. I know that there's a level of genius in the crazy
things. You guys go *way* beyond that. You guys go way
beyond all the problems my team used to have when everyone thought I was
fucking normal. So fix it by going one way or another."
"Yay! He should've already learned since SEALs work in teams."
"He's not bad at it. It was an accident, Xander."
Xander stared at him. "Accident is not getting shot."
"Sometimes that is an accident. Or should I mention Bolivia?"
Xander shrugged. "That wasn't an accident. That was me being
in the wrong part of in the way. If I had planned that better, I
would've been on the other side of the square and not gotten hit on the
"Excuse me? That wasn't an accident?"
"No, that was me being there to take down a demon and his minion showing
up to stop me. If I had picked the harder spot to do it from I
would've been out of harm's way but it would've taken longer and the two
victims would've been killed." He crossed his arms over his
chest. "How did you hear about that?"
Xander snorted. "That thing got edited by Willow." Danny
groaned. "She still thinks I'm the normal one. Therefore
"So tell me."
"No. Because then you'd freak out and stress and you'd not let me have Monkey over sometimes to play with the boys."
"I never said that."
"Rachel said if she found out I was anything at all like Steve was she'd never let me see her again."
"I'll talk to her. I want her to get used to you so you can
protect her if something comes after her. Because I know Stan sure
as hell can't." He stared at him. "So that was
"No, that was the best option of a whole lot of bad ones."
"I want the real file."
"Tomorrow. That way I know what to count on you doing when we need
you to do something. Because I know there'll be a time we'll have
to lean on you for something." Xander scowled. "Even Steve
can be shot."
"Yes, he can be." Danny smacked him on the side of the head. "Hey!"
"Don't threaten him again and you will apologize."
"No I won't. Any good relative would threaten him after what happened."
"Yeah, well, not to have him eaten." Roque cackled. He
stared at him. "You, pipe down." He looked at his cousin
again, seeing the scowl. "I don't care if he is enjoying it.
Cackling is rude during an argument." He stared at him.
"You'll be apologizing tomorrow."
Xander shook his head. "No I'm not."
"He can have you arrested for that."
"And I'll have him eaten." He shrugged. "I'll deal with the guy
who got his father if I have to for you." Danny glared. He
stared him back. "I may not have the fancy paperwork he does, but
I'll be damned if he's going to get you killed."
"He's not going to get me killed! It was an *accident*!"
Danny huffed. "You're going to apologize because I hate being
caught in the middle. It's like two bitches fighting over the only
"No, my hyena considers you a pack member, not a mate. I'd never fuck my cousin."
"Good! How did we get on that?"
"You brought it up."
Danny shook his head. "Not the point I was trying to make."
He moved closer. Xander backed off. "Those girls of yours
were bitches." He pulled him closer and gave him a quick
hug. "Apologize tomorrow. Just to keep the peace."
"Is he going to apologize for going off half-cocked and without a plan?"
"He did to me."
"He needs to do it to your daughter."
"He adores my daughter." He stared at him. "And that's my concern. Yours is the boys."
"You do realize that she's in danger? That two of her classmates have parents who are on your honor roll?"
"Yeah. I've already warned the parents away from my cousin.
One of them was going to talk to her about me, not you and him."
"Shit. Did you have him arrested?"
"No, we had a talk in his bedroom one night. He agreed, the baby's
a neutral being and staying out of everything. Though, someone
like Hess wouldn't care to bomb them."
"I know, we're working on protecting them."
Xander stared at him. "Then he needs to take better care of you and *plan* shit."
"I'll point that out but you're still apologizing to keep the
peace. I'm not being pulled between you two having an alpha dog
fight." He moved closer. "You done being frantic now?" he
asked more quietly.
"No. And I'm not apologizing."
Danny glared. "You will. I do not want any more fights
between you two. At all." He stared him down. "I mean
"Whatever. If he gets you seriously injured, I'm still having him
eaten. If I'm nice, I'll use something that'll take only a few
bites." Danny smacked him upside the head. "Hey!"
"Shut up, Xander." He stared at him. "He'd never do it on purpose and it could've been my fault."
Xander stared at him. "I'll take that into consideration."
He checked the kids in there then walked around his cousin and down to
the kitchen. "Want something for the pain?"
"No, I'm on the good stuff." He followed after checking on the
other ones. He blocked him into the kitchen. "You will
apologize to keep the peace," he said quietly and calmly. "Because
I don't need this stress." Xander glared. "Even if it's
just for show. You wouldn't let the boys get away with that.
You have to lead by example." He leaned in the doorway on his
better side. "Tomorrow, you'll be apologizing."
Xander watched him. "Your painkillers have worn off. Go take my bed."
"Xander," he warned.
Xander nerve pinched him and carried him upstairs to tuck him in.
"You're more stubborn than I am." He checked on the others and
went down to the couch.
Steve showed up the next morning, knocking politely instead of kicking
the door in. He didn't want shot for trying to find his
partner. Xander opened it, staring at him. "Is he
here? Or did you tie him in a closet like some sort of
overprotective family patriarch?"
"He's in my bed. He took something for the pain and went back to sleep."
"I have his meds in the car."
"I gave him something herbal that won't counter it but it will suppress
nightmares." He let him inside. "Go up and look if you
Steve stared at him. "We need to work this out. We both
hover over Danno protectively. He's your family and we're getting
to be like one."
"Then you would've planned instead of rushing."
"I didn't have much choice." Xander gave him a 'get real' look. "I didn't. I had to take it as it laid."
"You didn't have two minutes to watch and then plot?"
"I... No, I did rush," he admitted, swallowing. "It wasn't my intention to get him hurt, Xander."
"Good!" He stared at him. "Danny wanted me to apologize."
"I'd like one," he said dryly with a smirk. "You did break into my house."
"If I had been trying, you would've woken up with me next to your bed."
"How did you learn that?"
"Do you, like some girls, think that I learned nothing while hunting in Africa?"
"I figured you did. Your dossier doesn't have much of anything on it though."
Xander snorted, shaking his head and nearly cackling. "Willow
edited that a *long* time ago because she thought they were lying.
She still considers me *normal* and unable to do much of anything at
times. She edited hers too."
"I saw hers. It got corrected by someone in Homeland."
Xander sneered. "I heard and if I find them on my island I'm
running them off."
"That'd be nice, thank you."
"Can we work this out?"
"Can you treat him better? A partner is halfway between a spouse
and a friend. You may have part but you're clearly not using your
skills on the job."
"I admit, I could have done some planning." He stared at him. "Could I get you to correct your dossier?"
Xander snorted and shook his head. "No. There's a mostly
correct one floating around somewhere." He walked off to the
kitchen. "The boys are still asleep so if you go up there don't
wake them up."
"We still need to work this out first." He followed him. "Why do they think you're normal?"
"Because I'm not a slayer or a witch?"
"Um...." Steve shook his head. "By your dossier you've been possessed at least twice."
"Yeah. Three times. Once in Peru by an ancient spirit that
was needed to open a lock so we could get the slayer out of the ancient
trap." He poured some coffee and sipped it. "Want some?"
"No, thanks." He stared at him. "Why does that make you normal?"
"Because they're girls and they said so. I wasn't trained in how
to hunt like Giles, I'm not a witch, or a slayer, and I got plenty of
that lecture from them." He took a sip.
Steve mentally added that to the fact file he was building on
Xander. "I'd never think you were normal, even with what little we
do know you've done. Creepy at times but not normal." He
heard a sniffle and Xander went up to get the kids. Steve
followed. "I'm not against you helping us with some things,"
he offered. "I can't officially ask but I know that you've got
your hands full with them and protecting us from weird things most of us
want to ignore."
"It's not that hard. There's been a few protections laid on the islands over the centuries by the Old Ones."
"Good to know." He considered things. "We have got to work
out this mutual protection thing we have going over Danno."
Xander looked at him. "You may have pseudo-married him for the
job, but I will make sure he's protected, and his daughter." Steve
winced. "Didn't think about that? Someone wanted to talk to
her about me. We had a talk about that so they all know not to go
near her or Rachel about anything I'm doing or have done."
"If I knew who to make that point to, I'd do the same," Steve
said. "I love that kid. She's as close as I've ever gotten
to having one of my own."
"I'll let you bum one of mine now and then," Xander said dryly, moving
to change Roque, who hated it. He stared at him. "Not like
you're potty trained. Did you want to sit in that shit?"
Roque pouted but quit struggling so he changed him. "Thank
you." He put him back into the crib. "Let me get the others
and we'll go downstairs." Steve carried those two down there for
him. "Thank you." He went to get Pooch changed then Jensen
and Cougar, who was a bit wiggly with how nasty his diaper was.
"Like Roque, I have to change it or you have to sit in that and all the
other stuff until you can potty train and that'll be years. Not
like it's getting me off, Cougar." He quit wiggling. "Thank
you." He got him changed and down there with Jensen, who was
half-asleep and trying to cuddle his roommate. Xander pushed their high
chairs closer so he could do that. Cougar scowled. Xander
stared at him. Cougar huffed but let Jensen cuddle. "Thank
you. I know it's not the macho guy thing to do but yay." He
got them breakfast and settled in to feed them.
Steve watched him. "When was the last time you ate?"
Xander shrugged. "I'm not really hungry right now. I ate sometime yesterday."
"I had a few missions where I came home screwed up that same way," Steve said. "Mostly because we ran out of rations."
Xander nodded. "I ate like a native. Not like Giles bought me MRE's."
"That sucks." He sat down in the other chair. "Want help?"
"No, we've got it down into a system. The last two bites always go to the ones on the ends in case I underfed them."
"I guess that works when they all want to eat at the same time."
"Willow said that family style meals were important."
"My mom did too." He took the spoon to feed them. "Eat
something. You're looking thin and you know Danno will
fuss." Xander grunted but got up to make himself some scrambled
eggs. Steve smiled at the boys. "I'll let your cousin bring
you over sometimes to play on my beach, guys. It'll do good for
you to learn how to swim early."
"I learned how by jumping in a river," Xander said from the stove. "Then I went UC on the swim team."
"Do any meets?"
"No, the plot to turn us all into mermen so we'd win got exposed before
then. They ate the coach and it pretty well shut down the team,
those of us who were still human anyway."
Steve stared at him until Pooch fussed for food. Then he shook his
head quickly and got back to the feeding. "How did he do that?"
"Steam. Mermaid parts and blood in the steam."
"So that means you have some yourself?"
"Yeah, about three chromosomes." He glanced back. Clay and
Jensen were giving him very strange looks. He grinned.
"That's one of the weirder things from Sunnydale, guys."
"If it gets much more strange I'm not sure it won't drive your cousin
nuts," Steve said quietly. He had heard Xander's bed creak.
"Halloween was more nuts that year. Battles were more nuts to me."
"I saw the video of graduation during that briefing." He went back
to his feeding duties. "That looked bad. Who did the
plans?" Xander waved the spatula. "Excuse me? There
weren't any trained people?"
"My tenth grade year for Halloween, our troll of a principal made us
take the kids out, in costume." He walked over his plate of
eggs. Jensen made bird noises so he fed him a piece then the other
kids. Then Steve scowled so he ate some. "We had a chaos
sorcerer who changed us into our costumes."
"You went as something helpful?"
"Soldier. That's how I got the codes to get the weapon."
"Huh," he said, blinking a few times. He fed the boys the last of
the oatmeal, giving the last two bites to the ones on the ends.
Xander let them snatch some of his eggs. "You need that more."
"You're skinny. Even in the baggy clothes, kid." Xander scowled at him. He smirked back. "I'm older."
"I can still kick your ass."
"Maybe on a bad day." Xander smirked. "But we're not going
to try that again because it'll upset Danno and I don't want that to
"If you two get married, I don't want to be in the wedding party. I
hate making toasts and I look like a dork in a suit." Xander ate
"Not in my plans," Steve said.
"Uh-huh." He finished another bit and let the kids have the rest.
"You could make more," Steve said. "You're still too thin. He's going to fuss."
"I'm his cousin, he's not going to fuss about my weight. Beyond
that, I'm still slowly coming back from my last posting in Sudan."
"I've been there." He shook his head. "We have to work this
out so he doesn't stroke out." Xander stared at him. "How
did you get that money?"
"The FBI asked nicely and then tried to say they didn't make that deal."
"Huh. Are they going to keep looking?"
"No. The one who tried to take it is a dirty Fed and I turned him in." He grinned. "It's safe."
"Good." He got the boys cleaned up and onto the floor, watching them crawl toward the front room. "Tv time?"
"They like to watch for the postman. There's a mean cat up the
street who likes to attack him. They've been cheering on the cat."
"I think I've heard about that cat." He looked at the younger man. "Do you have any family left outside his?"
"He said my mother survived. I'm sure she's sucking up booze somewhere."
"Good to know. If she shows up, we'll call a warning." Xander grinned and nodded. "I have a sister."
"I have the girls. They're like sisters, even when I want to send
them all to the pits of hell. Especially the hacking one who tried
to get into my stuff last night."
"Is it all right?"
"Yeah, it's still safe. She's sore. She's going to be more sore if I get my hands on her."
"What about a part-time job?"
"I'm not really cut out for much. I can still probably work
construction but they won't hire a one-eyed construction worker. I
don't live close enough to be a tour guide on mountain hikes or
anything and I'd have to learn this land better first. Not much
call for sword and crossbow repair either."
"We have some good schools. You could go part-time."
"I hate school. Classrooms suck."
"There's trade schools too. You could still go part time and learn
how to do things like plumbing, which would probably get you around the
one-eyed thing." Xander nodded. "And they have financial
aid if you need it. You could build a small part-time plumbing
"I already know how, I transferred my certificates out here.
Someone snarked and suggested I become a PI but I heckled them out of
"Who do you have babysitting?"
"Dawn or a few peaceful demons I know locally."
"Huh. Have they heard anything about Hess?"
"No, but if I hear, Danny asked me nicely to tell you guys. The
last time I saw one of them they were trying to gay bash so I got into
it with the younger one. The older one pulled a gun on me to stop
it so I pulled out what I was going to use later on during a
battle. They decided I'm a scary bi guy."
Steve grinned at that story. "The older one is going to die."
"He told me."
"Let me know if you hear anything?"
"Definitely. I don't like them and I was a bit freaked out because they looked like Spike."
"A vampire we worked with after the whole Initiative thing."
"Never saw his file." Xander found a picture in his phone. "You can take pictures of vampires?"
"With special digital filters. Speaking of, there's about ten now on the islands."
"Can you stake?"
"You don't usually get a second shot. I'll let Danny babysit for me while I go holy water grenade their hidey hole."
"Holy water grenade?" Xander grinned and nodded. "Who builds those?"
"Me and a few others. The plans are online."
"I need to see those in case they can be handy." He shook his head
quickly. "I wouldn't mind if you took care of them for us. I
certainly don't want to handle vampire related deaths."
Xander smirked. "Fine. He can babysit tonight."
"I'll follow so I learn how to do that, just in case it becomes handy."
"Not that hard. Stake, heart shot, poof goes the vampire.
Some species take other methods, like beheading or dead man's blood I've
heard." Steve moaned and shook his head. "There's a few
"Good to know. As a general rule will anything work on most of them and possibly on any other demonic threat?"
"Beheading works great on all but the self healers and Mohr
demons. But they're healers and their blood can be used on humans
or other demons to heal them."
"Huh." He nodded. "Reference books?"
"Still on a ship," he said dryly. "Dawn only sent half. The
rest are in the armory." Steve went to go look. Xander
tidied up the kitchen and made more coffee. His single cup maker
was pretty handy. Steve came out reading a book. "Chapter
eight." He nodded, flipping there. Xander went to check on
the boys. They were staring at the dog outside. "Shoo,
doggy." It ran off. He grinned at them. "He was huge
and slobbery, huh?" He got an odd look from Pooch. "Maybe in
a few years I'll let you guys have a dog." He walked off,
sneaking up to check on Danny. He was still asleep so he came back
"He was up a while ago," Steve said quietly, still reading.
Steve looked at him. "I don't want or need him too stressed," he said quietly. "At all."
"I don't tend to."
"He threw massive fits over things beyond heat and humidity because of whatever you were doing in LA."
Xander shrugged. "I'm still retired unless there's a huge apocalypse battle."
"When is that projected to happen?"
"Five years for the next super major one."
"Huh." He went back to reading. "I'll see if I can get them some backup for it. They can go in with you."
"I doubt they'd let me help. They didn't call me back from Africa
to help in LA's. Normal guy syndrome," he said when he got stared
"That sucks," Steve said. "You had on-the-job training. That didn't count?"
"No. Not to them."
"That really sucks." He went back to reading. "Is this thing still around?"
Xander looked. "Yeah, he's trapped in a statue around here
somewhere. He moves an inch a year toward one of the
volcanos. If he gets into it, it'll melt off the stone and then
"I know where the statue is. I'll see if we can erode the ground
around it so it can't move." He went back to reading. He
heard the bed upstairs shift again and so did Xander. He went up
to help his cousin down to breakfast. "For future reference, who
is the kids' doctor?"
"Rachel hasn't told me that yet."
"I know who we go to," Danny said. "I'll see if he's taking new patients. I can hear the sniffling."
"Roque's allergic to something floral. I've been giving him baby
medicine but I forgot earlier." He found it in a cabinet and took
it out to dose him. He came back in and washed the pan he had used
to make his cousin breakfast.
Steve looked at him. "You need to accelerate your own recovery eating plan."
"Would you quit telling me I'm too skinny please? The last time I
knew I wasn't your partner or your wife." Danny choked and Xander
got him a bottle of water.
Steve smirked at him. "Remember how I said I did not want anything
between us to stress Danno?" He went back to reading. The
whole book was on mystical threats to Hawaii. It was good to know.
Danny pulled his cousin closer to haul his t-shirt off him. "You are too damn skinny. Sit and eat."
"I already ate."
"Yay. Eat more. Before I call the heathen sisters and my
mother." Xander sighed but made himself some toast. "Thank
you." He looked toward the living room. "Boys, has the cat
tried to kill the mail guy yet?" Roque cackled. "Good.
Let us know when you need things." He went back to eating.
Jensen crawled in and patted him until he picked him up. Jensen
grinned and stole some of his eggs. "You little mooch," Danny
teased, giving him a squeeze. "I'll make some more in a
minute." Jensen pouted. "Keep it up and I'll only make
toast." Jensen settled in to sit on his 'uncle' and steal his
breakfast. Steve took the baby and got up to make some more
scrambled eggs. Danny looked at Xander. "Did you apologize?"
he asked quietly.
"No." He ate a bite. "Because I was honest."
"Want to babysit tonight while I take out your ten vamps?"
He'd allow the temporary change of topic this time. "Sure.
Don't make it too long." Xander shook his head and finished up,
going to the armory to check his pack. Cougar crawled in to
help. Danny shook his head but finished up and did the dishes
before going out to sit with his partner and the kids. "Did you
two work things out?" he asked quietly.
"We agreed that we do not want to give you any sort of stress," Steve
said. He looked over at him then at the plate of eggs the boys
were stealing from. Danny got up and got a saucer, taking some of
the eggs to give to Cougar. Danny came back. "How's the
"Sore. He has some really nice herbal stuff. Knocks you out and all that."
"Good to know. I might try it sometime."
"Tastes nasty," Danny warned.
"That's fine. I can handle that part." Cougar came crawling
out with the saucer between his few teeth. "That's really smart of
you, kiddo." He took it from him, smiling at him. "Nice
work." Cougar crawled back off to help with the weapons.
Danny shook his head. "Some day you can help them get back into commando shape."
"Maybe," he agreed, smiling at the little boy staring at him.
"What's up, Pooch?" The baby smirked. "I don't understand
baby talk yet. Give me a hint?"
"That's the 'I've got a dirty diaper' look," Danny said, getting up with
a moan. "My daughter did the same thing to me." He
carefully carried him upstairs. "Just be gentle with me," he said
when he got kicked. "I've got a broken rib." The baby quit
kicking. "Thanks." He changed him and then brought him back
downstairs. "Xander, why do you need stakes?"
"I'm making sure they're sharp but I'll be bringing a short sword with
me too," Xander said without looking back. "Sometimes staking is
easier than beheading."
"Sure." He went back out to the couch. "Did you tell anyone you were coming over?"
"Chin knows." Steve looked at him. "I didn't tell him why."
"They'd probably understand Xander being overprotective." He
shrugged and winced. "I wish someone around me knew healing
"Don't use the wish word," Xander called. "You never know who's listening."
Steve looked back toward the armory then at his partner.
"Huh?" Danny got to explain vengeance and wish demons to
him. The boys were staring in horrified awe too.
Xander came out with his pack to put it by the door. "If wishes
were horses we'd all be in deep piles of shit," Xander said dryly at the
odd look he got. "Then again they can also create alternate
universes, like the one where I got turned thanks to Cordelia." He
went back to the kitchen. Jensen followed. "Want a
bottle?" He made one and brought it out, Jensen following him
babbling at it. He sat down and sucked, falling asleep that way
against Clay's back.
Clay growled and moved but Cougar glared at him for it and let Jensen
nap on him instead. Jensen apparently appreciated that, he drooled
all over Cougar and only got his bottle stolen by Clay for it.
Xander shook his head. "I can't wait until you guys can talk and
walk." Roque smirked at him. "You too, yes. Then you
can potty train." He got up and grabbed Roque to change him.
"Did you eat mud or something?" Roque cackled.
Danny shook his head. "He's slightly insane but I'm not sure if it was the demons, the hunting, or the girls."
"The girls," Steve said dryly. "Your sisters drove you insane too."
"Good point." He took Pooch when he crawled over. "Need a
bottle too?" Pooch shook his head and pointed. "I know, my
car's dirty and I need to wash it. I'll do that later and when
you're older you can help him try to rehab his father's old car since he
can't." Steve smirked at him for that. "The movie showed
him being good with cars."
"I'd welcome the help sometimes." He went back to reading.
"I had no idea there was a series of books that chronicled the various
threats for each state."
"We had them made a few years back," Xander said. "That one's not
in pristine condition because apparently there was a leak at the
warehouse I had them stored in." He put Roque back down.
"There, go chew on Clay or something." Clay growled. Xander
stared at him. "You've got until you're sixteen to work on
shit. Deal with it and move on until you're old enough to beat him
up. Until then, I expect you guys to act like brothers."
"They fight too," Danny complained.
"Yay, not like those two and Pooch does with Roque." Pooch patted
his thighs. "I saw that part too, yes. You're not allowed to
beat his ass until you're all sixteen. I don't want the nice
neighbor lady to come take you all away." They settled down and
made temporary peace for the day. He flopped down.
"Better. Thank you. Cougar, want me to hold him?"
Cougar shook his head. "Okay, let me know when you're ready to
move or be changed."
"It's good they still have their old memories," Steve said. "Much less confusing."
"I'm hoping it means that they'll pick up things like potty training really quickly and easily," Xander quipped.
All three of them and the kids looked up at the sound of wailing. "It's no fair!" a female voice sobbed.
"Anya?" Xander called. "Is that you?" It sounded like
her so unless she had a sister she had never introduced him to it should
be her. She appeared sobbing. "Hi. Did you get your
job back again?"
"No." She pouted. "You don't have a destiny, Xander."
He pointed at the kids and she shuddered. "That's Halfrek's thing,
"Well, since Willow brought them in that form from their realm, they're
my duty," he said. "Guys, this is Anya, who I nearly
married. Ahn, this is Danny, who is my cousin, and his boss
She looked at them and shuddered. "They're mean." She looked
at the kids and sighed. "I can't be a mommy even if the new boss
would let me. I'd be bad and they'd be even more weird than they
would be if Willow or Dawn raised them."
"I'd never let Willow turn anyone innocent into me," Xander said. "What's wrong?"
"They said you have a destiny now so I can't come back to help you." She sniffed. "They're wrong of course."
"What destiny? After I've screwed up so many?"
"They were calling you a minor black widow." She stared at him.
"I get vindictive when people try to own me," he quipped. "But I
never marry or date them with the intention of getting all their
money." She pouted. "Sorry. All we need is to be
comfortable." She slumped and shook her head. "Especially
since I had to make my own retirement fund."
She groaned. "Didn't you get my things?" she demanded.
"I asked your boss, he told me where your lawyer was, and he said I wasn't in your will."
"Bullsnot." She went to find that one and chew him a new
one. It would keep Xander from comparing her to various evil
things that wanted him. Though his cousin had been cute.
Maybe she could get between them? She was missing her orgasms
again so she'd have to talk to them later. Her lawyer saw her and
shrieked. "I'm *so* pissed at you I'm going to lead slayers back
here." She tapped a foot, hands on her hips, and her version of
Willow's resolve look on her face. "You *so* fucked up my will!"
"I don't have a copy of that one!" he complained.
She snorted. "That's funny since I know I handed you one."
She heard someone say that they could still hear her and the kids were
cheering her on. Which was so *wrong*! Xander shouldn't have
kids. It meant he'd have to pay attention to them instead of her.
Danny looked up later on from watching the kids nap in a pile in the
living room while Xander caught a nap before hunting. "What's up?"
he asked the floating former fiancee.
"My boss removed my will from my lawyer's possession so now I'm in
charge." She smiled. "The things you learn from helping a
slayer and all her people." She flicked a hand around. "I
actually left Xander everything I had. I have no idea where most
of it is now."
"He could use it. Kids take tons of stuff," he said with a
smirk. "Diapers and formula and baby food. Clothes because
they can go through more outfits than a teenage girl every day."
She shuddered. "Xander might have to get a job sometime in the
near future to feed and clothe them."
She stared at him. "You guilt trip like my friend's Jewish
grandmother," she said dryly. "Only she wants
grandchildren." He smirked evilly at her. "With that
expression I know you're related to my pookie." She huffed.
"Where is he?"
"Napping. There's about ten vamps locally that need to be taken care of."
She stared at him. "How is he supposed to do that with all his bruises?"
"What bruises? We haven't seen any."
"I remember that protection," she admitted, looking up there. She
floated up to check on him. She poked him and he blinked at
her. "How are you able to hunt like that?"
"I had worse in the past," he said, pulling her down to cuddle.
"I was incorporeal," she complained. "Now I'm being wrinkled."
"Yay. You can mystically iron your skirt, Ahn." He yawned
and snuggled in again. "It's nice having someone there," he said
"I guess. How bruised are you still?"
"I'm fine." She poked him hard. "Though I seem to feel one
coming up now." He poked her belly button, making her
"You could ask for a part-time slayer."
He snorted. "No I'm not. It's fine. Not that much work right now."
She poked him again, earning one back. "You're bruised."
"You're full of it."
She smacked him on the side of the head. "I've seen them."
"You're still full of it." He kissed her. "Eww, dragon
breath." He put his head back down, one arm over her stomach, and
yawned, drifting off again. "S'nice. Thanks," he mumbled.
She sighed but she couldn't get free. She couldn't turn
incorporeal again. It must be a funky Xander power that everyone
always discounted. So she had to put up with the cuddling for now
she supposed. It was nice but not her style. It was another
Xander warping thing for her.
Danny went back to work and looked at his female teammate. "Kono,
do you know anyone sane who's not quite evil or dangerous but enough
that they might like my cousin?"
She snickered. "I've heard about his tastes and no, I don't know anyone that dangerous. Sorry."
"Damn." He went to his desk. "I got to meet the woman he
almost married. She came down from her demonic post to nag him a
little bit and wanted sex."
"I heard enough about Anya's orgasms this weekend," Steve complained. The others laughed.
"That's what she called 'em," Danny agreed. "She didn't want
cuddles, snuggles, or anything like that. Just orgasms. The
boys thought she was hilarious and a good thing to climb over because it
freaked her out a lot." The others grinned. "I still don't
see how he was doing construction all day, nightly patrols most nights,
and then keeping up with her demands all the time. I couldn't keep
up with how much she wanted, much less work for all the presents she
said she used to demand."
"I'm guessing she's at least slightly nicer to him than his friends, who
were like a pack of wolves when they called," Steve said.
"Yeah, don't get me started on them. I actually called Willow back
three times to finish my rant at her last night." They all
shuddered. "Oh, it was epic. She called up reminding Xander
that he didn't really need a whole lot of weapons so he could sell them,
because he was normal." Chin shook his head with a moan.
"It went on like that for years. Personally, having met Dawn, I
think she's as close to normal as those people come and the rest are
either hidebound asses, stuck in a book, stuck up their own skirts, or
"That about describes the council," Chin agreed. "Aren't you glad your cousin retired?"
"If I had known things had went that way, I'd have went to kidnap his
ass. Gotten him therapy for the loss of his best friend and
guiding light being. Let my mom fix him so he was used to normal
people and all that they bring with them. Though, Anya wanted him
to become a black widow and start to date arms dealers so he could get
the good presents and money."
"I'd kill him," Steve said. "Quickly. Then you'd have to raise the boys."
"Did you ever figure out what's wrong with him?" Chin asked quietly.
Danny nodded. "His last posting was in Sudan." Chin
groaned. "So he's slowly working himself back up to eating like an
American who only has to hunt through a grocery store. Then he
lets the kids steal most of it."
"And yours," Steve said.
"And mine," Danny agreed with a grin. "They're great little
guys. Xander swears up and down he's going to have to suddenly
drop them on us some day as he runs off to a battle."
"No he won't. We have to find him a babysitter," Steve said.
"Or a nanny." He got into his current online search. "Think
they banned him from whatever bar the arms dealers hang out in?"
"Probably." Danny shook his head. "The FBI asked him to sex up someone for them and ruin him."
"We might see more trying to date him too," Chin complained.
"No, he's busy," Danny said smugly. "The boys drive him nuts."
"Five kids would do it to me too. Heck, one kid might drive me nuts," Chin quipped back.
Steve nodded. "They're exceptional smartasses too."
"Yes they are."
"What movie did she pull?" Chin asked.
"The one on the desk," he said with a point. He went to read the
back cover, groaning. "I'm told that he chewed on Willow when she
tried it again."
"Yeah, that's probably a great idea," Chin said. "Before he ends up with another five kids."
"Then he'd have to add onto the house again." They snickered and
got down to business. They had criminals to make sorry and beg.
Xander walked into the bar with the kids, weathering the dirty
looks. "Hey, the FBI gave me money to feed them. They all
eat like slayers." A few groaned. "He was a shitbag
anyway." He shrugged. "And a bad kisser." A few
laughed and some bets got paid. "Anyway," he said, looking at
one. "Your sister sent me a very nice baby present." The guy
shuddered. Xander smiled and handed over the thank you
card. "You can tell her she had bad timing. My cousin and
his boss were over to nag me again about me pointing out that my cousin
being shot again was going to get his boss eaten by something with a
very tiny mouth. Steve did not like that bomb she sent me for my
amusement." He grinned.
The guy stared at him. "She sent you a bomb?"
"She was dating the shitbag the FBI wanted me to sex up for them."
He shook his head. "She had better taste before you went out with her, Harris."
"Yay. But hey, they got to meet Anya. Apparently someone
pulled her back and gave her an interesting new job." He beamed.
A few in the back of the bar snuck out before she came after them. They had met Anya professionally before.
Xander grinned at their backs then at his buddy. "Anyway."
His friend shuddered. "She came to complain that her present boss
tried to screw with us so she killed him and took over. She's
having a lot of fun making long range plots."
"I'm sure she is." He looked at the boys, who were all napping. "That's a neat trick."
"Ricky was out there and had a panic attack at the sight of something
tiny and cute staring at him so he gassed them. He's presently
hanging upside down from a tree ruing his decision to attack my
boys." A few more bets got paid off. Xander smirked.
"Who bet that I couldn't beat him?"
"Just on who would get your down their throats first," the bookie quipped with a smirk. "Thanks, Harris."
"He's not the first I've had to kick the ass of, Douggie. The
first was Evangaline. She showed up for some nookie and tried to
kill my cousin too. She did not like that spanking or me making
her apologize to get sex."
The bookie gaped, staring at him in awe. "How did you get her down?"
"She had knocked Danny down and was nagging him about me being hers so I
kindly shoved her into a chair and got her ass from behind while
holding her down. Then I made her apologize to my cousin, who was
babysitting for me, and then I got sex." He grinned. He had
to pay off a few other bets. "By the way, the FBI and Anya both
want me to become a real black widow but so far I've refused. It's
really bad manners to kill your ex's instead of keeping them as
friendly contacts you can call up for babysitting."
The bartender snickered. "I wouldn't trust your boys to some of them, Harris."
"Me either but the rest are buddies I can find things through or for
quickie sex when I need it. Because we'll still have apocalypse
battles. Speaking of, any vampy vamps let me know, guys. I
took out the house that they were using last night." They all
nodded at that.
One of the newer guys stared at him. "Who's your cousin?"
"His cousin's the yappy one in 5-0," the bartender said.
"Yeah and I had to have a talk with someone who wanted to talk to his
little girl," Xander quipped back. "He did not like that talk."
"I heard he went to church," the bartender agreed. "He'd never come near your boys."
"You're right, he won't. Anyone touches my boys or her and I'm
going to go Rosenburg on them and then finish up in finest Harris
style." A few shuddered. "Beyond that," he said with a
grin. "It was nice of the FBI to give me a diaper and baby food
They all nodded. It was very nice of them. "Are you going to
take another job like that?" one of the younger guys asked.
"Not likely. I do take fix ups and if they try to kidnap me or
something I'm going to show them how stupid they are, but I only take
their money if I have to eliminate them for trying to kill or keep me as
a hostage." They all nodded at that practicality. They
probably would too. "But I am taking fix ups since Anya didn't
want sex and I could use laid. Male or female since I learned how
to be open in Africa."
The bartender shook his head quickly. "We've only heard rumors."
Xander grinned. "There's a Willow'd dossier that the US government
has and a half-factual one the UK government has. And one really
good one in Morocco because they asked while they had me under truth
serum thanks to a demon that wanted the slayers. They found me
cackling pleasingly over their remains."
"We heard truth serum turns you into a cackling homicidal maniac," the bookie said, taking that down.
"Yeah, it does." He grinned. "They were really impressed
that I had done it with a pocket knife." That got a shudder.
He smirked. "They asked what happened first so I told them.
They found out who I was and asked me all sorts of questions that I
didn't really want to answer but it was fun to watch their faces grow
paler and paler and then blush a few times about the warlord I dated for
about two weeks. They were happy he had tried to kill me too."
"Did all that money you earned like that go into the house?" Douggie asked.
"Yes. Almost all of it. It had a leaking roof, three
bedrooms. Tiny kitchen even on Hong Kong standards." A few
shuddered. "So yeah, really bad. I'd be happy if Giles paid
me back for all the weapons I had to get for him but he probably never
will. He tried to tell me we didn't need them to handle
things. And that the girls had appreciated the easier fight with
that one demon in New York but it still wasn't necessary. I think
Faith chewed him a new one over that."
"You know there's people who hate the Council?" Douggie asked.
"Yeah and then I usually point out that they'd hate to have to handle
the next demon apocalypse attempt by themselves since the US military
can't and won't admit that they exist anymore. When the choice is
fight a battle against higher level demons, being taken as a human slave
or food source, or having the slayers around and supported they usually
like the slayers a lot."
"I do too," his buddy said with a quick nod. "I'd die in a battle like they had in LA."
"Buffy said I was too normal and she didn't call me back for that.
Of course, I was happily taking down a few other things that
week." They all shuddered. They had heard. He
grinned. "My cousin talked to Willow for *three hours* about how
she thought I was normal." He beamed.
"She clearly needed it," the bartender said, clearing his throat.
"You know you shouldn't bring the babies in here, right? It's a
bar full of dangerous sorts?"
Xander stared at him. "Who is going to really attack my boys and
make me destroy this whole state? Considering what I did in Russia
for my slayer?" Someone in a back corner whimpered. Xander
looked back there. "Remember, the president said I can have the
apocalypse closet that I see fit."
"When are you upping it?" Douggie asked.
"Can't right now. I'm too damn broke. Kids are really
expensive! Each one eats more than a teenage slayer. Plus
*diapers*! They go through a package of those a day and they're
like fifteen a pack."
The bartender grinned. "Cloth ones are reusable and cost about
three bucks a day. Very eco friendly so the nazi witches who like
to nag about pollution on Fox News will not nag you."
"Mildred and Matilda were at the Council building when Willow pulled
them here. After the first set of diapers they changed their minds
and decided disposable ones were *wonderful*. Of course it
could've been because Jensen peed on Matilda when she was nagging
Willow. Either that or it was because of the mini witch who has
seven siblings younger than her making poo monster zombie creatures from
The bartender silently repeated that phrase. "Little walking turds
that moan and bite?" Xander beamed and nodded. "Eww."
"Buffy had pissed her off and she was getting Willow back for going
judgmental on her minor goof of coloring one of the slayers polka
"I have an idea," one of the people in a corner said. "Let's ship
all the demons to Cleveland and then sink the whole damn town
somehow. Even into a new realm or whatever. They can fight
each other there and we can have some peace and quiet."
Xander looked at her. "The normals would have to be evacuated and
they've probably got some hellmouth radiation that would cause problems
for a few months. Willow nearly did that partially twice now by
accident, and Giles was not amused but not pissed enough to beat her
like he should have. For the boys all he did was send her back to
"Where is Devon so we can sink there too?" she quipped.
"England. The Devon coven is the former Council's witch
arm." He smirked. "They sent the boys cookies and me orders
to never come to England again or they'd kill us all for her pulling
them here. I kindly sent back a promise to burn them and cackle if
they came anywhere near my boys. Then I called an agent I had met
over there and told him I had threatened them and why. He was not
amused. The Queen was not amused either I'm told and nearly
banished them from her isle. The PM reminded her she can't
officially do that without their Houses getting involved and they were
ignoring that demons and witches existed so hard they were blinding
themselves to problems. I suggested they move to Egypt." He
"The Egyptian government went on a hunting rampage against witches and demons," she said.
"I know. I was there and had to save three slayers and a bunch of
peaceful ones. We finally had a talk about that during that one
and they decided the peaceful ones could stay but they had better hide
for all of eternity. The slayers were welcome to work as long as
they weren't being too immodest and took out anything before the
government heard about it. Sucks to be them next year but I called
in a warning about the vision I had with them having a huge battle in
Cairo, but I wasn't sure if it was a human one or not."
Douggie made that note as well. "I know someone who'll want to
hear about that." He looked over. "There's some higher level
ones who'd never hesitate to hurt them just because you said you'd
"I know and I'm going to do the FBI a huge ass favor." He
grinned. "Yesterday actually." Everyone frowned and started
to call contacts. "I was subtle, people."
The bartender hung up, looking horrified. "You did *what*?"
"Piss me off again," Xander said dryly. "One sent a teddybear
bomb. Sometime soon I've got to tell my cousin he can relax about a
few of them being here."
"I always wanted to know. Is Blade real?"
"No, the closest we get to Blade is Connor and he's a fashionless dweeb
most of the time. He took over my position on that. Now,
Hannibal we do have. And Abby. They're both roaming hunters
and were not amused that they got put into a comic book. Though
they did send a pretty set of blocks for the boys."
"How did you meet them?" Douggie asked.
"Hannibal had been captured and was talking a vamp higher up into
killing himself. He nearly drove him there too. Abby was
still knocked out. I blew up their building to rescue the head of
the ATF's granddaughter. Another thing the slayers didn't hear
Douggie stared at him. "That was you?"
"That was me."
"Yeah. I couldn't let it be associated with me because they had
ties to Angel and Spike, who we have a peace treaty with. It'd
send the wrong message. Since they're all gone now though...."
His buddy shuddered and shook his head. "I heard a bit of
panicking and some 'he's at least cute and talented' comments about
that." Xander grinned. "Did the girls ever find out?"
"Nope. They still think I'm *normal*." The bartender walked
off moaning and shaking his head. Douggie was making a few other
notes. "They'll never lose that blindness. Willow called
back after Danny chewed on her and said he was mean and wrong, I'm still
normal." He crossed out something. "I'm kinda glad I'm not going
to be raising the guys around them. They'd warp them
horribly. They'd all turn into little me's." He snapped his
fingers. "I need a good pediatrician rec please and one for decent
schools." A few people wrote down names and handed them
over. "Thanks. It's time for shots." They all
grinned. "And I need to know how much I have to steal from the
next person who takes me hostage to afford their schooling." He
tucked them into his pocket. "Okay, let's go since you're starting
to wake up, guys." He smiled. "Thanks, people." He
made sure he had the names and left.
The bartender came back and looked around. "I checked on his
cousin. His cousin's boss is nearly evil with how mean he can
be. Maybe we'll see them date instead of the rumors that he's
already doing his second-in-command." The bookie shook his
"No. They had a long conference on why Xander was going to have
him eaten if he got his cousin shot again. They had a brawl in the
driveway. The only reason it tied was because it got stopped by
Williams. Xander had managed to get into his house before
McGarrett found him." Everyone shuddered. "So no, he's not
badass enough for Xander. He's pretty bad, but when you compare
them against Hai, no contest."
"Hai would be squealing over those boys if he wasn't in prison," the
bartender said. "He might even try to marry Xander so he could
adopt them formally into his family." The others shuddered.
Hai was a bit weird and very dangerous but he adored Xander in a way
that spoke of elaborate rings and weapons as wedding presents. Hai
had sixteen consecutive life sentences to serve though so they doubted
he could buy his way free of prison. Xander could use calmed
down. Xander's buddy decided to call someone lower in Hai's people
that he knew to brag about the boys. It might make everyone calm
Danno looked up as the office's door opened, hand going to his gun when
he didn't recognize the person as more than dangerous. The guy was
Korean, tallish, and skinny but about mid-thirties. "Can we help
you?" he demanded impatiently. "Kinda busy with paperwork unless
you're here to tell us something about a criminal."
The man stared at him. "You are the cousin of my boss's true mate."
Danny blinked a few times. "I didn't know Xander was already dating again. Is this one evil?"
"Master Hai is not evil," he complained, scowling at him. "But he
will make sure all of the children in the family are well protected from
the ones that you search out." He handed him something.
"Master Hai had me give this to you so you could explain it to his
mate. His mate does not have a head for financial things and he
did not want to upset him. Tell him he sends his affection and
wishes to formally adopt the boys into the clan and Xander as well if he
"If Xander married him then we'd all have problems," Danny said. "Including me with my job."
"Master Hai said that may be a problem and he holds no qualm about that
but he still wants to adopt the boys into his family. His mate
would not take over upon his death but it would give them more
protection from the sort that want him. Master Hai has already
said it is all but so, that way no one would bother him when he went
back to Mongolia."
"He was in Mongolia?"
"Twice now with a slayer up that way handling possessed yeti." He
smiled. "It was a battle with a street gang that was partially
possessed that brought his mate to Master Hai's attention. He
moved to disarm and harm but not fatally injure them so they could be
cured. Then he told them how it had happened so they could correct
their own actions. Without nagging about how they made money or
how they may have had hostages, though those he got free."
"Interesting. Is there a good dossier on what he's done?"
"The one done by Morocco is decent but only about half of what he's
done. The truth serum he had been given was wearing out. The
UK's version covers some other things but has non-factual
elements. I'm told there's one in the demon underground but no one
I know has access to it."
"I'll have someone ask. I'll give this to him later."
"Thank you." He nodded and left.
Danny called his cousin. "Master Hai sent you a letter." He
heard the muttering. "Yeah, I think we should talk.
Mongolia? Street gang? Morocco? Why have I not heard
about any of this? It's not like it's classified!" He
listened then Xander hung up. He growled and got up, taking the
envelope with him. On the way he called someone from his old
department. "Who the hell is Master Hai?" he asked. He
listened. "Excuse me? No, he wants to marry my
cousin!" He blinked a few times. "Yeah, my cousin's Xander,
He nodded once. "That sucks. Can I have that file?
We're trying to figure out how get him to calm down since he inherited
the kids Rosenburg called to this realm. He doesn't talk about
anything," he complained. "At all! All I've heard was he was
in Africa, his last posting was in Sudan, and there's some people who
tried to kidnap him. Thank you!" He hung up.
He and his cousin had to have a serious talk about him either becoming
celibate or Danny finding Xander a *decent* and *sane* person to
Hawaii didn't need that stress. It might make the volcanos or
tsunami problems worse. Or even worse, mess with the damn
Master Hai looked up as his visitor showed up. "What new news?"
The minion put the portable dvd player on the table so he could see the
video of Xander. "You know," Xander said in greeting. "I
can't date you while you're in there and half of your people would try
to kill me for dating you." Master Hai smiled at the screen.
Xander showed him the boys playing on the ground. "These are the
sons. That's Frank, Jake, Carlos, William, and Linwood."
"A movie?" Master Hai muttered. His minions had snuck him a copy
when it had come out because he liked those sort of movies.
"Rosenburg," his minion said.
"Then it's great that Xander is raising them." He unpaused it and they went on.
"I read your letter. I can't accept. My cousin I'm living
near is a detective and I'm not going to hurt his career. He's got
his own little girl he moved here to be with. So while we're hot
together, I can't do that to him. Even the president wanted me
next to him."
"Yes, I know why," Master Hai muttered. "He is still my clan
heir. The business will go through Yi." His minion nodded,
making that note. They kept watching the video. He
smiled. "Tell Yi if he touches Xander, or the children, then I
will have him removed with extreme prejudice or let Xander kill
His minion nodded. "It has been suggested that even if you take
those boys as your heirs that we should probably provide you with a true
heir. We are talking about finding you a proper spouse to bear
"I can't have conjugal visits in here. If you could have me moved,
I would appreciate that for multiple reasons." He considered
it. "I'm not against that idea. She must be talented enough
to protect our child from people like Yi and others who would end my
line. She must be Chinese, she must be healthy - no drugs,
alcohol, history of insanity - and she must be well educated."
"Master Sha, the one who wants to be a shogun so changed his name, has
two younger daughters. Both of age and he would like a treaty
between the two groups."
Master Hai considered it then nodded. "I would see their
pictures." The minion handed over three pictures. "I would
hope they had my nose instead," he said with a grimace. "Awww, he
sent me a family picture."
"He is not against you protecting him and his boys but he does not want
to be part of our group due to his family. That and he does not
want to get us involved with demon hunting."
"That is pleasant of him and if I ever get out I will go woo him.
His cousin's people will appreciate my suit by then after seeing who
usually wants to date my Xander." He tapped the table a few
times. "The younger one is how old?"
"Eighteen next week, Master Hai."
He looked at the pictures. "Then I will choose her and we will
find a way to get me a proper, legal, blooded heir as well as my new
younger heir's children."
"Then you want us to adopt him as a brother?"
"Yes." He smiled. "That would give him the most protection."
"There are those who hate that he is who he is."
"Hess," he sneered. "And his sort are not welcome on this plane
anyway. If Xander requires help to protect the children then do
His minion nodded. "Hess sent him a teddybear stuffed with a
bomb. Xander sent back a timer somehow that landed in front of
him. Attached was a note saying next time it would have a
bomb. It did enrage Hess."
"Hess is a weakling. I'm sure he'll be taken down as soon as he makes another move toward Xander's family."
"I will make sure we know to make sure that Xander and his sons are
protected." He looked at his notes. "There are rumors that
Rosenburg is pregnant."
"If so, make sure that her child goes to Xander as well. She is
much too unstable and would turn that child into a worse version of my
new brother." He patted the table, smiling at him. "Very
good. Any other business we have to talk about?"
"A few things. There's a lot of talk about interrupting of supply lines."
"Fix that. Make sure Xander has what he needs."
"He said he cannot up his vault because of the boys. He spent most
of what he had to upgrade the house so it would fit them. There
was talk that the FBI might send him to ruin another person."
Hai smiled. "I like that he is mean and likes to take out the
lesser problems. I would love to steer him toward some of our
competitors." The minion beamed at him and made that note.
"He may bankrupt them all he wants to supply things for those
children. I know he won't sell the weapons unless it is
"There are those that would worry about such a habit."
Hai looked at him. "What would a true sister of mine be doing?"
"Preparing herself to bear heirs for an alignment marriage," the minion said.
"And if she was not able to bear heirs or no marriage was needed?"
"She would be trained to help the clan in some way. Either by
education so she could do things we presently hire out for or training
to become like the fabled old ones who could fight. Oh, I
see. He would do that as well as your adopted brother and by
taking out our competition it would aid both sides. Thank you for
explaining that to me, Master Hai. I will pass that along."
"Where is he?"
"That's warmer than I would expect for those children." He
smiled. "Still, they are adorable." He patted the table
again. "Make sure his cousin is not harmed by the adoption of the
family into ours. Xander would hate that and fight against us,
which I would hate. That is a war we would not survive intact."
"I will. Should we pass on any help to him? There are rumors
that they want Hess quite a lot for taking out the supervisor's
"Do so," he decided. "Hess is a gnat. He is not worthy of us
working with him." His minion nodded and gathered things, leaving
him the picture of Xander's family. He smiled, going back to his
cell to hang that on a wall. It was a good looking family, very
strong. The boys would go on to do good things for humanity thanks
to Xander's temperament being passed on. And perhaps they
could move the children to protecting what they considered very
important. It might even help his hereditary people's struggles.
Xander got into his computer, starting the chat program. He found
Spike online, like usual this time of night, and started a chat window
with him. "Can you please tell your batty relation that I'm going
to kill him?" he typed.
"What relation?" Spike sent back.
"Hess. He looks like your eviler twin. I figure you have to have screwed someone in his immediate family."
"I know that family. It's mine," Spike sent back and then a stylized sigh. "What is he doing?"
"He came after the boys and laughed that I was going to blow his ass up."
"Interesting. Then again you do draw people like him, whelp," Spike sent back with an evil smiley face.
"Funny but they decided to gay bash, not want me for my ass,
Spike. And hey, it's not like he's Dru, who had some use to
humanity as a seer."
"If I had known then what I know now, I would've kept her from you,
Harris. You ruined her worse than the mob that nearly killed
us. Drove her 'round the bend more too."
Xander sent back a smiley face. "She's nicer than some of mine
too. My cousin might really like me to date her instead of anyone
"Perhaps but I'd stake you the hard way," Spike typed. "Why do you think I can talk to my relation?"
"Well, I figure someone's got my house bugged. It's either Hai,
who decided to adopt the boys as his sons, or it's my cousin's task
force because they're a bit freaked out about me. Or it's your
idiot dead sperm's body." Spike sent back a laugh. "He
is. I mean, he seriously sent my sons a bomb. He doesn't
seem to understand what I'm going to do to him. You're my last
stop before I lose my temper and kill the jackass."
"His line can die," Spike typed. "I can make sure of it, whelp. How are the tots?"
"Still fighting with Roque. Eating a ton. Jensen flirted
with some of the neighbors to get cookies. My cousin thinks
they're great." He sent back a smiley face of his own. "And
that I need to be set up with someone he would like more than Hai or any
"Hai is powerful," Spike said. "Definitely not to be screwed with. Even Angelus wouldn't want to take that one on."
"Let's not talk about the dead, walking penis. I don't feel like
spitting tonight. It might teach the boys bad things."
"Gladly. You think he's my eviler twin?"
"He's definitely your more insane clone and pathetic in his attempt to
raise fear. And then he doesn't have the brains to realize that
next time I'll send more than a timer to his table. He seriously
is not going to like it."
"I'd worry about the others in his vicinity."
"I'm not that uncareful and I doubt he's sleeping with half a town. Even if he is a mental whore hole."
Spike sent back a laugh. "Let me talk to him. He's actually where I am. Watch those brats."
"I've heard rumors of Willow being up the duff?"
"Miscarried. Magical impregnation. Her girlfriend walked off and she went off. The magical spike did it."
"I'm sorry to hear that she miscarried but I'm going to say that she
needs to be celibate more than I do. The last few of her dates
have been pathetic for the most part. This last one was a
dumbass. Talk about a black hole." Spike sent back another
evil smiley face. "Is she back in Devon?"
"Some of the people I know out here want to send her and all the
harmless demons there and then sink the town into another realm."
"We know how to reverse that thanks to the redheaded tornado doing it twice. Glowy girl would fix it."
"Can we talk her out of fixing it?"
"Maybe. She's awfully tired of the whining too. Let me talk to my idiot relation." He signed out.
Xander signed out and got into his usual report software. He had a
few things to report. Including that he had gotten a firmer base
on that stupid moving statue and that the few vamps that came out here
were now gone. If he didn't report things then Giles would yell,
and when it was pointed out that he wasn't one of them and they weren't
even paying him a retirement paycheck Giles would complain even more it
wasn't his fault. Nice double standard but yay. That was the
Council's version of stupidity. That's one major reason why he
::evil cackle:: the terror will be moved on!
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