With A Little Help From My Friends
They boys were awed by the Secret Service guards when the first attempt
broke in. They were good. They handled it before Xander
could even get up out of the bed. Or they were endangered.
The boys could appreciate that sort of style. Even if Jensen was
flirting with one of the agents.
That agent smiled at him and shook his head. "I'd have to wait
years for you to grow up, Jensen, but I saw that movie." He patted
him on the head. "When you're older I can woo you away from the
military and into a better service."
Xander stared at him. "If that's what he wants, then that'll make
him happy," Xander said. "Though he'd better be at least
"I'd never do someone underage, sir. I'd hate myself for it." He went back to doing a report for the office.
The next attack wasn't quite as straight forward since they didn't want
to hurt anyone. They wanted Xander for other reasons. Xander
woke up, because he had been encouraged to rest for a while so he
healed faster, in a whole new area. He looked around the obvious
warehouse then at his 'date'. "Hi, Phil."
"Xander." He smiled and uncovered their plates. "You're not
really dressed for a proper dinner but I know you needed one."
"The boys and my guards?"
"They're fine. We snuck past most of them. Only two got
gassed. I paused to pat the babies on the head and tell Jensen
you'll be back by the morning since he was awake." He held up a
forkful of pasta. "Food?"
"I could eat," he admitted. "But they're going to be really upset."
"They're menial agents, Xander. I don't care and it's not like
they can arrest me." He took a kiss and smiled. "Now, eat?"
"Sure, I'll eat. Did you tell my cousin so he won't freak out and call the other ex's?"
"I knew I forgot something. Hanna, call his cousin to wax poetic about our dinner date," he called to his assistant.
"Yes, sir." She walked off doing that. The warehouse was
well guarded. The guards knew that they were not to harm any agent
or officer that might show up to get Xander back. "Detective
Williams, I'm Hanna, an assistant to Mr. Phil. He wanted me to wax
poetic about the lovely dinner he and Mr. Xander are having.
Wonderfully made fettuccine alfredo with diced cherry tomatoes and
portobelo mushrooms that were sauteed in some garlic. Followed by
some divine pork chops that were marinated in white wine and herbs for a
few hours to make them especially tender in case Mr. Xander has a
"Followed by a sinful angel cake with strawberry and raspberry topping
and homemade whipped cream." She smiled. "No, no
vegetables. Mr. Phil hates them and we know Mr. Xander won't eat a
salad unless there's a girl around. No, he didn't want you to
worry or lose your temper. Mr. Xander knows you'd worry and we're
just fussing over him since he wouldn't let you." She hung up and
took a round of the guard positions to check on everyone. It was
wonderful of her boss to fuss over Mr. Xander when he was so
injured. The poor man needed someone to fuss over him and cuddle
Danny hung up and carefully put his phone down. "Who is Mr. Phil?"
McGarrett knew that tone of voice. There was going to be an explosion soon. "Why?"
"He's feeding Xander a *wonderful* dinner according to his
assistant. That way someone could fuss over Xander since he
wouldn't let me."
Steve took another step back. "Remember the balding blond guy he had a date with last month? That's Phil."
"Ah." Danny walked out back and threw a fit. Even the resort's security worried for a few minutes.
The Secret Service guards came out to calm him down. They had
tagged Danny's phone so they could trace any calls into it from someone
who might want their target.
"Guys, let him vent," Steve said. "Or else he'll never leave us anyone to handle."
"It's drawing attention to our position or we would," one quipped.
"I've got to try that with my pork chops. Mine's always too
dry." Danny stared at him. He grinned. "They're in a
"Let's go save my mentally warped cousin then. Before I lose my fucking mind!" He stomped out to the car.
"I've got the keys," Steve said, jogging to catch up. The Secret
Service let them go by themselves so it was obviously a ploy to make
Danny calm down. "At least Xander's eating. You noticed he
"Fine." He drove them off. By the time they got there,
Xander was having dessert by himself. Danny stomped in and helped
Xander up. Xander grabbed the bowl and took it with him. "It
good?" Steve asked. Xander let him have a bite. He
groaned. "That is really good. I'd probably keep it too."
Xander nodded. "It's excellent. Phil's a pretty damn good
cook and so is his assistant." He got into the back of the
car. "Can you get the picnic basket? It makes no sense to
waste anything." Danny glared but went to get it. They both
looked that way when he burst out laughing. "What?" Xander called.
"Two canisters of knock out gas, the rest of dessert, and another place
setting in case you guys got company," he said as he came back. It
went into the backseat with Xander. "We get the rest of the
dessert because we had to listen to his assistant."
"Phil told her to call and wax poetic. If it hadn't been a date, I
would've called and said 'come get me since they're dead'."
"That's what we'd do too," Steve promised. He took Xander back to
the resort. The Secret Service guys were happy that dessert was
now provided. Xander changed the boys and went back to bed.
"Where is Phil?" he asked one of them.
"He's being found."
"He's heading to the airport to leave so you can't catch him," Xander called.
"I doubt that'll work," one of the agents quipped. "Rest,
sir. You need rest to heal so you can go blow up more
dragons." Xander huffed but curled up so he could sleep.
Danny went in there to sit beside him and make sure Xander got some
Thankfully two of the guards hated berries and cake so they had
abstained from the laced dessert. So they were gently knocked out
when the next one came for Xander. Danny was as well. They
carted Xander off. So he got to wake up somewhere new.
Xander blinked. "This is getting to be a habit."
"Phil knew you'd be rescued soon and we knew you needed some
weapons." He smiled and held up a case. "Brand new, Xander."
Xander looked and moaned, taking out the specially made gun. It
had the softest trigger. It had excellent accuracy even if you
didn't know how to shoot. It was a gun professionals whined about
not having. And there were two in the box. Xander hugged his
past date. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. You need them to protect your sons." He
stroked his cheek with a smile. "The next one will have some new
artillery for you."
"The Secret Service guys are going to be freaking out. That's mean to them."
He took a kiss. "They're just agents and I have diplomatic
immunity. Just like Phil does." He took another kiss.
"Wait here. If they're not here soon, Dartmouth is coming."
Xander whimpered, shaking his head. "She wanted to see you before
she left Hawaii. Apparently dragons find her *fascinating*."
He took another kiss and strolled out. "I'll see you in a few
weeks, when things are more calm."
Xander found the bullets in the bag beside his feet. He loaded the
gun and nodded, tucking them into his waistband. "Sweet
presents." He smiled at the woman sneaking in. "Not giving
them a chance to rescue me first?"
"Of course not." She took her own kiss and smiled, handing him a
key and a wallet. "Yours, dear." She winked. "If my
boss would only give me you instead of wanting your blood I'd be *very*
"If you try to take my blood I'm going to have to kill you, Angeline. That's a waste of a good woman."
She beamed and nearly bounced on the balls of her feet. "Thank
you, Xander." She took another kiss and moaned into it, clutching
his shoulders. "I would be gentle but with your bruises it's
probably out of the question?"
"I'm barely able to wear pants. There's no way I can exercise my
abdomen to make you squeal. Or to let you get on top.
Sorry." He gave her a sheepish look.
She smiled and took another kiss and cuddle. "Next time.
I'll take a raincheck until next time." She winked and strolled
off. "Oh, poo. The one the demons want you to marry is
He shook his head. "There's more chance of him becoming my in-law."
"Good to know." She smiled. "Use those well, Xander.
The dragons are mean and I had to save myself twice today alone."
"Well, I find you tasty," he offered with a smirk. She moaned and
pressed her thighs together. "Shoo." She ran. Steve
stomped in through the other door. "Look." He showed him the
gun. "Brand new from Ablaine."
"I've seen those covered." Steve took it to look over.
"That's very sweet." He handed it back, noticing the bag, the
wallet, and the key. "Those are?"
"Bullets," he said with a point. "New artillery, and diaper
fund." He grinned. "Dartmouth is in the employ of that
cartel in Guatemala. She's convinced her boss will only take some
blood then give me to her. We dated on and off for nearly a year
and that pissed him off, that's why he wants me dead."
Steve shook his head, walking Xander and his new presents out to the camaro. "We'll talk to them when we catch them."
"They've all got diplomatic immunity. Ablaine reminded me of that."
"Yay!" He put him into the front seat and drove him off.
"I also discouraged the rumor that we'd start dating."
"Thanks. That's very helpful."
"Told them you were more likely to be an in-law some year soon."
Steve shook his head. Xander grinned. "I checked, the demon
bookies are offering astounding odds. If we go on even one
date, someone's going to make *millions*."
"I should tell Danny so he can put some money down," Steve
quipped. "Then arrange the date." He shot Xander a dirty
look. Xander just grinned and went back to petting his new
babies. "Who was she?"
"Angeline Dartmouth. She's really hot and good. Loki thought
she'd make a good second wife for me after Loki herself."
"Maybe Rachel will pick out one for Danny," he complained.
"She did but you're dumb." Steve growled. Xander
beamed. "She put a bet down from what I heard. That's why I
"I'll make it more clear later," he said sarcastically. "Are there odds of me bedding Chin or Kono?"
"Kono, yes. Chin they decided is uptight. Yours, one said:
months and months on a ship in the Navy and no women. Of course
he'd do his partner."
"No, not likely," Steve said less patiently.
"Danny they think is like his former more fun days still."
"I can't see him being a party boy."
"He was more fun when he was a rookie. Before he met Rachel and settled down."
"I still can't imagine him being one of the beach party boys."
"He wasn't but he did have a slight clubbing habit now and then back in
the day. He even tried to teach me to dance once but I sucked at
it. Still mostly do."
"I'll have to ask him about that." He pulled into the resort and
got waved to the right road. He parked and helped Xander out and
inside. "Ablaine and an Angeline Dartmouth?"
"Her boss said she could have me after he got a few vials of
blood. He thinks she can make me like him more. Or maybe
I'll take him out and give her everything." He shrugged.
"Look, prezzies," he offered, smiling and showing one off.
The Secret Service guy moaned. "I wanted one of those so bad when
they came out." He took it to look over. "That's very
pretty." He handed it back. "She gave you two?"
"She gave me new artillery. Ablaine gave me two." He
grinned. "He also pointed out that he and Phil both have diplomatic
immunity and Angeline got it from her ex-husband before he got
overthrown by her boss."
"As the eldest male in the family, I'm going to play patriarch and marry your ass off, Xander," Danny threatened.
"If you try that, the betting board is going to go nuts. Rachel's
going to lose the few bucks she put on you and him dating." He
head nodded at Steve. Danny's face started to change colors.
Xander found his computer and logged on, handing it over before going
to hide in his bedroom.
The head Secret Service guy on shift pushed Danny into a closet with the
laptop and shut him in. "That way he can rant in private and not
draw attention to us." Steve grinned at that move. He
grinned back. "No dinner?"
"No, just weapons and a wallet from her." They looked it
over. It had a lot of cash and a few prepaid cards plus a very
good fake ID for Xander. "She's good."
"She should be with her job," one of the other guards complained.
He listened at the closet. "Detective, are you all right?"
"With the odds going on, I'm putting down ten bucks. Then we'll arrange things so my daughter has a college fund."
Steve looked in there. "On what outcome?"
"Single date but it not working out." He looked up held up the computer once he was done.
Steve read over the odds, shaking his head. "That's insane."
He handed it back. "You taught Xander how to club dance?"
"I tried really hard." He got up and came out. "Any news on them?"
"Angeline Dartmouth's already left the island via private jet. It had to outrun a few dragons," one of the guards said.
"She said she had to save herself twice today from them. That they thought she was cute too," Xander called.
Danny looked in there. "That's a really bad thought."
"Didn't Kono have that luck?" he quipped with an evil grin.
"Yeah but she's a good girl. Not like one you'd date." He
shut the door. "I'll be in to watch you sleep in a few minutes.
Drift off now."
"I can sleep alone."
"Shut up, Xander."
"Fine, we can have a sleepover like we used to."
Steve was trying not to smile. "You two had sleepovers?"
"I used to let him sleep in my room whenever he came over. There's
ten years difference but him and Matty aren't real close."
"He's uptight," Xander called.
"That too," Danny agreed. He got that funny feeling and looked in
there. "Ah! No stealing him! If you want to cuddle,
ask!" The man in the window pouted and helped Xander back
inside. "Xander! I swear to God!"
"He's got Roque."
Steve glared. "Give the baby back. Now. He's not a good hostage unless you like changing diapers."
"He was going to be the incentive to walk around with me so I could
spend some time with Xander," he said, handing the baby to Danny and
putting his hands up as the Secret Service guys ordered. "I'm not
being mean to him! I was going to walk with him and offer him my
safe-house in Paris."
"I hate Paris," Xander reminded him. "It's pretentious, it stinks,
and it's built on top of a cemetery full of catacombs of dead people
"It has nice shopping and food," the guy offered with a slight grin.
"There's some better food out in the country and I don't shop. You know that."
"I could help you shop. You could have some really nice clothes." He nodded and smiled in encouragement.
"Maybe if it was a farm in wine country but not Paris." He shook
his head. "And then I'd have to bring my cousin because the
President said so."
He looked at Danny then at Xander. "He's cute and shorter. You two are close?"
"He taught me how to club." Xander hugged Danny with a grin. "He's my favorite cousin and he gave me my second one."
"Awww. I'll see if any of your ex's have a nice safe place that's not in Paris."
"Or London. There's still some former Watchers that hate me."
"Or London," he agreed happily. "We're not much for monarchy, even
though most of us would *adore* being a king." He smiled at the
scowling baby. "You're so adorable. One day I want a few of
you to follow in my footsteps."
"Hai's already adopted them into his clan," Xander quipped.
"We can do the same. That way no one hurts them." He stole a
quick kiss before they hiked him off. "Later, Xander."
"Bye, Rich." He waved and shut the window. "I would've said something if he didn't have the baby."
Danny looked at Roque, who shrugged and nodded. "I think he's
sick." Roque nodded again. "Let's put you back down."
Steve took him. Danny got Xander onto the bed and sat beside him
again so nothing unusual could happen. "Who was he?"
"Distant Saudi royalty relative?"
"Uh-huh." He looked that up. Rich gave him an idea. "The one from Riyadh or the other one?"
"He was raised in England." Xander yawned and curled up on his
cousin's shoulder. "Him," he said with a point. "He's very
sweet. His father hates that he likes boys but he said I'm more
than worthy of the family business." He yawned again. Danny
stroked through his hair while he read over the file the FBI had on the
guy. He grinned when he heard the first snore.
Steve leaned in and looked. Danny held up the laptop. Steve
took it to look over. "Huh, not an arms dealer. That's
interesting. Must be one of the two of his ex's that can make
The remaining guards read it over as well. Maybe the president or
the first lady would have to pick Xander a spouse after all. It'd
be good for them. And everyone else.
Xander looked up from his sword sharpening the next morning when someone
higher up stomped in. "I was going to get my son back and then
come back inside."
"I figured you were. No parent would leave their son with a hostage taker."
"Rich wouldn't hurt him but I know I'm supposed to be laying low."
"True." He patted him on the head. "The First Lady wanted to know if her suggestion may have been a good one?"
Steve nudged his arm and handed over the laptop. The odds had been
changing all morning as different ex's were leaving Xander presents to
protect himself and the boys. "We don't think it's likely and I'm
not into arranged marriages. No matter how much his cousin claims
patriarch rights and wants to marry him off."
The head of the West Coast Secret Service office nodded, reading them over. "That's interesting. Human?"
"Demon," Xander said with a grin. "We were going to make a good college fund for my baby cousin."
"I think that's reasonable." He handed it back to Steve, who
smirked. "Any prospects? She wanted to know, sir."
Xander pointed at the boys, who all smiled and waved. "Most of mine would've adopted the boys with me if I had asked."
"They're having a nice time in jail. We did agree not to extradite
Mrs. Dartmouth back here due to the way the dragons followed her to
Xander shook his head. "I can only imagine the meeting and asking
each other how it had went. The first three have immunity."
"We know. We're holding them until they can go home." He
patted him on the head. "When is your doctor allowing you back to
your usual job?"
"When I'm no longer sore. We'll have the hellmouth spell done by
then. There's going to be a few other mes showing up to help with
that. Um, the white haired one is kinda a bit mean. He's a
trained thief and assassin. He trained under Lupin and his crew in
"I'll keep that in mind. The others?"
"A Sividia version of me. A curse breaker version of me and his
mates. Sividia me will have his mate Sam. We might get the
wardrobe-living Xander and his scientist and warrior pookies in to
help. He has some magic."
"Wardrobe.... huh?" the higher up asked. Steve started a YouTube
video with a very classic opening sequence. "He knows *him*?"
"He called him Obi-Wan the whole Xander convention," Xander said with a
grin. "He accidentally got a time blipping bracelet and went half
of everywhere by accident."
"Would he like to change realities? I can arrange that."
"No, he's working on his Atlantis." Xander grinned. "He's
their head linguist and part-time botanist. I'm going to get
garden ideas from him."
"Wonderful." He nodded, letting his mind process that without him
having to think about it. "If any of them want to stay here, let me
"I will. Lavelle, the white haired me, might visit. His
lovers are pissing him off and all his kids are mostly grown up.
They're mostly retired to an island with some pros and a lot of stuff to
do, plus he needs a real vacation from his underground syndicate he
built by accident. It kinda encompasses everything."
"How do you accidentally create one of those?" Steve demanded.
"He thought he was giving advice and making new friends."
"That figures." If one was a Xander, that could happen. Thankfully the other side of the family was more sane.
"If he comes, he might bring his kinda-son Ishi. Goemon's oldest
is like his protege. All samurai but also a pretty good gunman and
thief in his own right. He cross-trained with Lavelle, same as
Lavelle did. They even learn off animes." He grinned.
"He's a huge anime geek." He snapped his fingers. "Lavelle
wanted us to gather our version of the artifact that let Janus and
others give reparations to him for having him sent to hell as a
sacrifice. Mine's in my box in Cleveland and I never got it
out. So's my emergency stash."
"I can have that moved," the higher up decided. "What sort of artifact is it?"
"It's called the Deermere choker. It's a very powerful chaos
artifact. It can change your appearance and gender. That's
how Lavelle had his kids in reparation." He grinned. "I love
his kids. I'm hoping my kids grow up as cool as his. Even
if his son Fred is just like his father and was trying to pick up
hookers at eight." He shook his head. "I think they'd do
great training with Lavelle and Ishi."
Danny reached over and knocked Xander out with a nerve pinch. "We'll hide the choker from him."
"Thank you," the higher up agreed. "I'll have that moved today. How are things going?"
"Only one abrupt attack to get him. I heard the governor had to go into hiding?" Steve asked.
"One of the contracts to kill Xander tried to get information from
him. He lured some dragons in to the office and tried to get them
to eat him as a torture. So yes, he's hiding slightly."
"Dragons have more taste than him," Danny quipped.
Jensen pulled himself up on Steve's leg, getting attention. "Ishi?"
Steve grinned. "If you want to be a samurai one day, we'll find
someone to train you." Jensen beamed and nodded. "We'll ask
Lavelle how to get you a good trainer." He patted him on the
head. "Go cuddle the daddy until he's sane?" Jensen cackled
but toddled over and climbed up to cuddle his father. Danny got
Xander arranged for him. He beamed and waved then snuggled in.
Frank pouted and pointed, grunting some. Steve looked over.
Danny looked down at him. "Keep working at it and you'll walk soon
too. Jensen's walking so we can chase him." Jensen beamed
and nodded. Frank nodded too, crawling off. He finally came
back and gave them the hurt-pouty look. "Kono will be here later,"
Danny said patiently. Frank grinned and went to pounce
Pooch. "He's a huge flirt for our female teammate."
"I saw that movie when their appearance was noted." He blinked at
the boys. "I'm sure your female teammate is very volatile for him
when he's older." He looked at Steve again. "How many more
ex's does he have?"
"Fifteen that we know have plans to snatch him for a nice dinner.
We've already had a talk with them and they'll wait until all this is
"Though it was nice that the first one got Xander to eat for the first time in a week," Danny said.
"I wouldn't want to eat anything that my stomach would have to work to eliminate either," Steve said.
The higher up nodded. "How long before he's healed?"
"His doctor said three weeks," Kono said, coming in the door. "They're having a bitch fest about his ex's outside?"
"A few decided they wanted visitation last night," Steve said dryly,
smiling at her. Frank crawled over and clung to her leg, smiling
up at her. "Aww."
"Hi, Frank." She picked him up to cuddle. "What sort of visitation?"
"Present giving, dinner," Danny said. "Why didn't the sedative affect him?"
"He's immune thanks to the fish taint," the higher up said dryly.
"We had his bowl tested." Jensen grunted and waved. "You
have a good rest, Jensen. Let me check on my agents." He
went to talk to them. "Boys?"
"Sir," one said. He pointed at Roque. "We're not going to touch that mess."
The higher up looked inside. "Roque's escaped his diaper's holding
capacity. He's presently creating a mud puddle around himself."
Danny groaned but came out to get him to give him a bath and change
him. "That's bad, Roque. Why didn't you call?" Roque
glared. "What?" Jensen babbled 'cheese'. "No, I won't
make you eat cheese," he complained. He picked the baby up and
held him out at arm's length on the way into the bathroom. That
was really bad.
"Yuck," Kono complained.
"Welcome to motherhood," Danny quipped back.
"Cheese!" Jensen yelled.
"No, he don't need cheese," Danny called back, cracking up Steve and Kono.
Frank nodded. "Cheese."
Kono grinned at him. "We'll be sneaky and hide the cheese for all
of you." He grinned at her. She saw Chin stomping their
way. "Cover Roque's butt mess would ya?"
He paused and looked then got a shovel. He handed it to Xander
once he had woken up. "Your son's butt exploded outside."
"Yay," he groaned, getting Jensen off him and going to cover it.
Chin looked at Frank. "Can we have her so we can do a security patrol?"
"No," Frank said with a grin.
Chin took him and handed him to Jensen. "Teach him stuff." He walked his poor cousin out to do a security round.
Steve smirked at the boys. "Some day you'll run her down and pounce her, guys." He went to help Xander.
Pooch and Cougar crawled out, Cougar looking unhappy. Jensen looked down then outside. "POOP!" he yelled.
"Coming," Xander said. "Thank you for that notification,
Jensen." Danny was cracking up in the bathroom. He picked
Cougar up to change him. "What did you guys eat? You never
poop this much, Carlos."
"Cheese," Frank called.
"Maybe later, Frank."
Danny looked at Roque. "We're insane." He nodded.
"I'll get you the medicine so you don't have to eat cheese all day
today. Because Gracie had some runs but never this bad. It
must be a boy thing. Girls poop in technicolor rainbows and guys
just poop more." Roque cackled, shaking his head. "Just
think, another year and it's potty training time." He
grinned. "Then no more diapers, just being cleaned up." That
made the baby happier. "Steven, get the babies something to block
them up," he called.
"I'll call the pharmacy," he agreed.
The head of the nearest Secret Service office shook his head. "If
two of them weren't related, it might be a great household." The
agents just gave him a strange look. "It might be."
"They're all insane," one of his agents said quietly. "A SEAL, a
demon hunter, and a detective and they're all suffering from the same
sort of 'let me handle that for you' insanity."
"I have other agents like them."
"Not together," another said. "You broke them up, sir."
"Good point." He left them to their duties, checking in at the
local Homeland office. They were happy to palm some more work onto
The current lead agent leaned in. "Let me make that pharmacy run,
Commander." If only so he could get away from the insanity for a
bit. Before he got warped into being like them.
Steve managed to check out the artillery warehouse alone and
whistled. It was packed. "That'll hopefully at least dent a
dragon," he decided, locking it back up. He also went to get the
stuff Xander needed out of storage for the boys. Some special toys
and dolls for some reason. When he saw them he realized why and
made sure they were more carefully packed away. He had to search
down one of them but it was behind Jensen's favorite seat on the
couch. So that was clearly his. He closed and locked that
storage area, taking the long route back to the resort to lose any
tails. He knew he had at least one. He spotted them when he
pulled into a drive-thru for a burger. So maybe he'd take an even
longer way around. He texted that to Danny and got an order to
pick up something for him. That helped break his path too.
That'd also cure the sniffles that Frank had. Kono felt sorry for
Xander walked out to get the boys' things. "Thank you." He
walked back inside. "Okay, Uncle Steve got stuff," he
announced. The boys crawled out to get their favorite toys.
Jensen and Pooch both cuddled their dolls that represented their
families at home. The boys were all on the couch being
quiet. Xander suspected the agents had given them baby benadryl to
keep them quiet and causing less hell, because his boys were never this
Steve handed back both sets of keys. "We should be able to safely kill more of the dragons."
"PETA's starting a campaign to stop us," Xander said.
"I heard the one at your house saying that they should be considered
like flying puppies. One of your neighbors apparently told her you
drown those sort." He walked off shaking his head.
"How is my house?"
"The lawn's a mess," one of the agents told him. He pulled up
satellite pictures for him. "Are you going to stay there?"
"I'm hoping that maybe the hellmouth makes people forget like the one in Sunnydale did."
"It might, you never know. There's a growing concern about that
plan since no one can find you or Dawn," the head agent said.
"We've contacted one of the reporters and told him you were under guard
thanks to the Governor's actions against you and some attacks thanks to a
price on your head."
"I saw that one. He's making fun of me for running. I kindly
told one of my ex's so they could go scare him." He smiled.
The agents shuddered. "If I have to, I can sell that house and
move. Hai left it to me. I just have to put the next house
under another name."
"Or have it hidden," Danny agreed. "There's ways of hiding who
owns some property. Stars do it for their vacation homes."
"I'll look into that," he decided. He was frowning a bit at the
boys. "No one's crapped in four hours, guys. Did we give you
too much medicine?" They all shook their heads. "Were you
poisoned? You're unnaturally calm. It's not morning nap time
either." Cougar pointed at his diaper. "Sure, we'll change
you first." He got him changed, he was wet, then checked the
others. "Pooch, you have to tell me or you get a diaper rash," he
reminded him. "Not like I like cleaning your tiny butt and
everything." Pooch pouted. He gave him a hug. "Pretty
soon it'll be potty training and all that. Then when you're six
I'll teach you guys how to make explosives." He grinned at the
cackling Roque was doing. "I will."
"Ten," Danny ordered. "Six is still too uncoordinated."
Steve looked at him. "Ten might be too young too. Wait until they're teenagers so they can properly stalk Kono."
Danny saw Frank pouting and grinned. "It'll be epic when you're
old enough to properly stalk her." Frank nodded it would be and
went back to Pooch's toy truck.
"Sir, can we get what you know how to build?" one of the agents asked
with a grin. "That way we know for the records and can maybe slide
things your way during an apocalypse battle?"
Xander shrugged. "I'm bored and can't move well so why not."
Steve grinned at that. He smirked back. "I know, you want
to know what I learned in Africa." Steve nodded, following him and
the agent out back to go over what Xander knew and barely knew from
looking it up.
Danny shook his head. "Some day he's going to try to fish with C-4."
"I only spear fish," Xander called from out back. "I'm pretty darn good at it too."
Steve leaned closer. "Can you SCUBA?"
"I never officially learned but I did learn how to dive naturally.
I've got pretty good breath control. Not as good as the guys who
dive for conchs but pretty decent."
"We can teach you the SCUBA and skin diving methods," Steve
decided. Xander grinned and nodded. "Maybe we can get you on
a surf board some year soon too."
"With the missing eye, I'm a bit off balance part of the time."
"We'll see." He looked at the bomb manuals they pulled up online. "I can't do that one."
Xander pointed. "Usually I try for the battery but half the time
it's wired backwards and I end up having to shoot the timer."
"That's another design," the agent said, showing him that one.
"Just wired differently," Steve said, taking the laptop to look at more closely. "Where did you see them?"
"Those two are both cartel favorites for car and house bombs," the agent said.
"Angeline's husband was taken out by one. They nearly got her,
that's how I met her. She was screaming and crying because they
had tied her up in front of the bomb. I kindly took out the guy
that did it for her since he was a sorcerer wannabe. The new head
is his son. He respects Angeline."
"That's always better than fear," Steve agreed. They kept going
over them. Xander knew a few he didn't. They both learned
some new things and the agents were happy with their new rating of
Xander's skills. And the fact that he had caught some creature in a
snare trap outside the boys' windows because it was trying to sneak in.
Xander looked at the goblin he had caught. "Are you here to set up
a banking empire?" he asked. The goblin growled and they let him
go, making him run off into the woods. "Thank you. My boys
might want to keep you next time." He waved and reset the trap
then went back inside. "We should check the other traps."
The agents all nodded, letting him and Steve go for a walk to do that.
It was nice how they brought back a few ex-boyfriends and a few other creatures. Plus dinner.
Danny got into his email to check it, sending one to Grace before he did
anything else. He ran into a few new emails and frowned.
"What now?" he muttered. He read, slowly twice, then burst out
cackling. "Xander, some of your ex's are asking my permission to
formally date you?"
"You said you wanted patriarch duty," he quipped back, not looking over from his magazine.
Danny shook his head. "Three asked if I would let them trade your current house for theirs."
Xander looked over. "Are they nicer? Big enough?"
"No," he said, looking them over. "One's on a blank lot.
Looks like it had a trailer of some sort by the cleared area. Two
acres of trees and overgrown weeds." Xander winced. "Oh,
here's another one. That's really pretty." Steve looked over
"Bigger than your last one and on one and a half acres of plants," Steve told him. "Closer to HQ. Security fence."
Xander nodded. "Sounds nice. Which one wanted to trade?"
"Phil," Danny said.
"His house is really nice. Is it the one out toward the volcanos?"
"No, other one," Steve said. He let Xander see.
Xander hummed. "That might be nice. Wardrobe living Xander
knows a lot of defensive herbology too." He considered it.
"Tell Phil I'd have to see it and the others thanks but my backup
apartment is blown open too. Franklin, the bartender at the Down
and Out, accidentally let that one slip the other day."
"You had a backup place?" Steve asked.
Xander looked at him. "The Council owns a condo out here."
He shrugged. "I could've bummed it for a few days but with it
blown open and with what was going on I didn't think it was a good
"No, they'd connect you to that one too easy," Danny agreed. He
kept going, sending back nicely generic answers to the 'can I date your
cousin' emails. "Oops, Phil's lawyer said he meant the one out toward
"Too far. Forty minutes to daycare," Xander said. "Fantastic
views but too far." He went back to his reading. "How nice
is that overgrown lot?"
"Very," Steve admitted. "It's in a good area but on another island."
"Pity." Xander shrugged. "I'm looking for something.
My insurance guy is not happy and is suing the governor for the fees
they're going to have to pay me. Maybe this time I'll have enough
on-site artillery storage too. I hate renting places. It's
never as secure as I want it to be."
The agents shared a look and got on the real estate listings. They
knew what Xander had in storage. Also what had been rescued from
the demon pretending to be Rupert Giles.
Xander frowned and looked over. "Did you guys get that stuff back or should I go ask a higher demon for a favor?"
"If you can I'm sure they can raid more things," one of them quipped.
Xander looked up. "Homer, can I have a few minutes?" he
called. A blue demon with tiny horns in a crown appeared, leaning
down to hug him. "Thanks. Did anyone else realize that a
demon replaced Giles and he was using my stuff to restart Wolfram and
"I had not." He looked up to search that information out on the
magical pathways then shuddered. "He was doing more than
that. He killed a few and submitted fake wills giving you
everything so he could leach off you to restart Wolfram and Hart."
"Then I want it back," Xander quipped. "And anything else I can
use if someone wants to do that for me. I have to find a new place
to live thanks to the Governor." He smiled.
Homer kissed him on the head. "Get laid, Xander. Before the bad thoughts become permanent."
"Maybe I'll tap Lavelle. It's not like we'd be more than really
opposite twins." Danny shivered and shook his head. "Or
maybe him and the other Xander that showed up as a messenger from his
"That's even more evil," Homer taunted with a smirk. "Be a *good* boy before your sons turn that way too."
"If they want dangerous boy and girlfriends, so be it." He grinned. "Frank *really* adores Kono."
"We all adore Kono. If I could have that as my own I'd give up my
spot in the hierarchy and spend time spoiling her rotten."
He looked up and blinked then at him. "Wish granted." He
grinned. Xander grinned back. "And the other three things
"What other three things?"
"The stuff you found, Xander."
"I let Franklin cash them out."
"Not that one. It's in storage in Cleveland." He patted him
on the head. "I'll have someone bring it out." He winked at
Steve then disappeared.
Xander frowned. "What else did I miss moving?" he muttered. He shook his head quickly.
"Wish demon?" Steve guessed.
"No. He's over the demonic mafia on three realms." Xander
grinned at him. "He's a poker buddy." He went back to his
Roque was patting his father's neck but he couldn't quite seem to make
the nerve pinch work. He looked at Danny and pointed at the right
spot. Steve grinned. "Don't worry, Roque, we won't let you
turn out like him in that way." Roque nodded and patted that area
Xander looked down at him. "You can't nerve pinch me. You
don't have a good enough grip." He kissed him on the forehead and
smiled. "Sometime soon I'll find you a good stepmom." He
went back to his reading.
"I get approval of them," Danny ordered. "Then Steve gets to help
me threaten them so they're sane and good for all of you."
Xander grinned. "Maribella, remember her from the last time I visited you in Newark? She wanted to go out again."
"What's going on with her?"
"She's just recently divorced. Has a baby daughter." He showed him pictures.
"Aww, but Gracie was still cuter."
Xander smirked. "Just think how tough yet pretty my girls would be if I hadn't stipulated and wished for no daughters."
"Then I'd have two Steve's in my life," Danny complained. "I'd
have to protest and teach her how to be more girly before she warps my
own special little spawn."
"We heard someone had plans to do that," one of the agents
quipped. He showed his fellow agents a house and got a head
shake. So he went back to looking.
"At least four bedrooms, five or six preferable," Xander said.
"Storage for the van, storage for weapons, kitchen big enough for
dinners. Lawn if possible," he quipped, grinning at them.
"You guys are better than a realtor any day." They all smiled
back. He went back to his reading.
"Remember, any plants have to be cleared so they can't damage the local ecosystem," Steve said.
"Wardrobe Xander can help. He has a lot of neat ideas for the
garden around his house. Including his pretty plants Morticia and
Danny considered that idea and what he knew about Xander. "Is one a
man eating tentacle plant?" he asked. Xander grinned and
nodded. "What's the other?"
"It looks like a flytrap sort of plant and it smokes to entice things to
pet it so it can have fingers. The bigger version can eat
"Ah," Danny said. He looked at Steve.
"Probably not native." He knocked Xander out.
"Thank!" Frank quipped and waved with a grin. "Bad!"
"I know. He was having many bad ideas."
Lavelle strolled in, loosening his tie. "Here, for his housing
fund," he told Danny, handing over the few pretty stones. "She
pissed me off and called me gayer than Ellen." He looked at
himself. "Nap time?"
"Bad mental places," Steve said. "Were they stolen?"
"Not in this world." He grinned.
"Still, if we know it's stolen we have to turn it in."
"And the owner here would be very confused when they pulled out
duplicate stones," Lavelle quipped. He hefted Xander up.
"C'mon. You need to sleep. I need to sleep. Lupin's
being a bitch again and I'm about to kick his ass off the island for a
month. Maybe we can find me some anime I haven't seen before while
I'm here." He kicked the door shut.
Steve and Danny both stared at the pretty emeralds in Danny's
hand. The agent asked his boss. He got back an email.
"The boss said that there's no proof they were stolen. There's no
way to prove that they exist here or not, and he'll ask someone to check
them out for him." He went back to his house looking. That
might raise the budget a bit. That let him go back to an older
house. He let the others see it. "Single story, lanai.
No water views but a small fountain area in the backyard. Some
cleared land bordered by trees and a fence hidden among them.
"All real estate is out here," Danny complained. "Especially apartments."
Steve looked. "Too far away from his daycare. That's nearly
an hour from there with no traffic. He'd like it if it wasn't for
that." They nodded and arranged the distance better. Steve
pointed at the daycare so they kept it within the range he lived
now. Plus five miles to include some new construction areas that
were being rebuilt.
Danny pointed. "Look there. There's that new
backroad." They looked and found a lot of nice houses.
Within twenty minutes of the daycare on the backroad.
Expensive though. They saved that area for later looking
over. Danny got an email and looked it over. "Franklin, at
the Down and Out, said that someone who wants Xander a whole lot is
offering his up by the national park."
"Way too far," Steve complained. "Which one?"
"He won't say." He answered him about what Xander needed and
wanted. Danny snorted at the one he got back. "Someone
offered him a ninja camp in the woods."
"We have a ninja camp in the woods?" Steve asked.
"Maybe." He sent back an email quipping that the boys weren't old
enough to need that yet. Ask in a few years when more than Jensen
could walk and more than Cougar could climb things. "No, I don't
think he wants your daughter," he muttered at a new one. "He might
want one some year but unless she's in danger Xander would want to keep
her with her family."
"Is she in danger?" Steve asked.
Danny got one back and nodded. "Wo Fat wants her mama as a new
special friend and isn't taking no for an answer very well."
Lavelle came to the door in just his pants. "Who is this Wo Fat? He sounds familiar."
"A thug who wants to cap us all and added Xander to the contract on us,"
Danny said, looking at him. "He's probably too sore for that."
"I'm doing a minor healing spell while working on his muscles.
They're tense from the pain." He lounged in the doorway.
"What are our plans for this one?"
"Arrest him," Steve said.
"Huh. Pity." He smirked. "Let's see if I can play some
bait." He adjusted his choker and became a pretty girl.
Steve whimpered. "The choker, dear." He winked and strolled
back in there, shutting the door again.
"Yeah, we want that choker in better hands," the lead agent decided,
telling his boss what had happened. "Who is Lupin?" he asked
"I have no clue," Danny said, looking him up. "He's an anime
here." The agents looked him up, watching the first video.
"He's a skinny dork," Danny decided. "And if Ishi looks like his
father he could probably use some feeding up too."
Steve looked then shook his head. "I don't need to know. That's
too strange for me." He went to do a security patrol and release
the ex-boyfriends and girlfriends from the traps. And Buffy as it
turned out. "Hold on, Summers." He let her down. "Why
didn't you get shown out?"
"They were running after a baby unicorn that had stolen some lady's bikini top."
Lavelle strolled over in his current female disguise and took a
kiss. Buffy groaned and clutched at him, turning back to her
demonic self. He adjusted the choker and smirked. She
shrieked but he touched her on the head and she froze, looking
scared. "Go home. Now." She fled. He looked at
Steve. "Demonic whores."
"Jensen has a thing against succuba," Steve said.
"That's always a wise thing. Though, they are fun."
"The you here has backloaded magic."
"Doesn't surprise me." He strolled off again, becoming a pretty
woman that looked different. So what if he was yanking the chains
of the agents. Only one caught on and tried to stop him. So
Lavelle sent him back to his half-demon clan as well. Hawaii had
to be agony for him since he was from an ice demon clan. He went
back to playing with his other self. This one was so innocent and
good it was nearly an opposite of him. It was like having a pure
virginal sort under him.
"I don't want to know *anything*," Danny shouted after him.
"Sure," Lavelle quipped.
Lavelle touched some contacts in his own plane, getting a recommendation
of where his self here should look. The house was owned by
someone, who clearly had no idea about part of it. The two of them
had a slight disagreement about how to get it. Lavelle was
wiling to help him charm her out of it. This Xander was too good
guy for that. He insisted on only doing that sort of thing to bad
boys and girls. So they settled with a background check.
When it came back dirty as hell, it was all good. They went up
there as twins to talk to her. She had been arrested for marrying
and then killing twins. Maybe she'd like them and she was sweet
looking. Since she had killed the twin husbands in bed, maybe she
was still good there too. Xander needed some more stress relief.
Lavelle strolled in first undoing his shirt and rolling his head around
to loosen up his neck. Xander strolled in after him, not wearing a
shirt at all. "He has a house as of a few days from now.
She knew the *perfect* house and someone who really hated the
island. Her husband had made her move out here but he had died
from the jogging stuff. It's next to that ninja camp. Has
distant views of the water. Pool. Storm shelter on top of a
bomb shelter and storage area for the end of the world. Her former
husband was a bit paranoid about the end of the world coming." He
"He used to live in LA so the yearly apocalypses drove him batty,"
Xander added with a grin of his own. "She said he found out about
the protections and had his whole family moved out here. Two of
his sons were forced to transfer out here if they didn't want
disowned. One decided he wanted to stay. One stayed long
enough for the funeral and left. She's had it for sale but the
realtor was sitting on it for a special client."
"Who owns the ninja camp next door," Lavelle quipped with a grin.
"He said the boys could come over and train with his future ninjas when
they were older."
"How far from the daycare?" Danny asked.
"With that new road, about twenty. If I take the long way, about
fifty. Thankfully the ancient VW van I have will make it up my new
driveway." He grinned. "It's one of the old hippie VW
"With full seats around the edges and a good area to put a mattress if you need it," Lavelle quipped.
Danny looked at him. "Didn't you just buy a van?"
"I won that one." He grinned. "We picked it up earlier
because my new van was in the paper the other day." Steve
groaned. "The governor, yeah. Buffy's already talked to the
Council's lawyers, who talked to Maui, who reminded him of the
restraining order. Speaking of, I want to talk to his marked
boss." He strolled outside. "Henry!" he bellowed. The
demon appeared, staring at him in awe. Then inside. He
shivered. "That's Lavelle." He grinned. "He's in to
help with the hellmouth spell. Your minion is annoying the crap
out of me and putting me into bad idea land. The sort of bad idea
land that not even Anya could cure and unless I go twincest with
Lavelle.... It's probably going to keep going." He
smiled. "Do we really want me in that mood right before we create a
"No," he said. "Though many don't like that plan."
"The other option was to suck it up."
"The public is thinking that might be a good idea. Though it will cause problems."
Xander nodded. "That means that they get to fight their own dragons too. Not the slayers."
"Crap," he muttered. "We'll see, Xander. Have you
reconsidered coming into my service?" Lavelle brought out Jensen,
who was scowling at the demon. "Who is this?"
"Jensen. One of my five sons." He beamed and took him to
show the demon. "Jensen, this is Henry. He's a higher demon
who owns a lot of politicians who were desperate to have the sucky
political ass-kissing job. Can you say hi?"
"Ba?" he asked the demon.
"No, he's not a succuba," Lavelle said, rolling his eyes. The kid
had a one-track mind. "He's a higher demon, like the one that
nearly kept me." Jensen looked at him then reached for him.
Lavelle gave him a hug. "Thanks, little guy. I'd introduce
you to my kids but they'd warp you." He kissed him on the head and
grinned at him. "I killed the one that had me." Jensen
beamed and patted him on the lips.
Xander grinned at him. "I hope you killed him really hard, Lavelle. He deserves eternal torture."
"I hope he's getting it but no clue. Don't really care."
"Good point." He hugged him. Jensen giggled and transferred
back to his father's hip. "So, anyway, Jensen, this is
Henry. Can you say hi?"
Jensen looked at him. "Bad ba!"
"I'm not a succuba," Henry said.
Jensen looked at him then made blowing noises. Then he
grinned. "Ba..." More blowing noises. "You..." more
blowing noises. "Ba! And ba bad!"
Henry gaped in horror looking at the demon-lord Xander. "Did he just compare me to a succuba?" he demanded.
"I think so. That you have sex for power. The same as they
do. Just you give power and they take it." He
shrugged. "That'd make him a succuba in reverse, Jensen, and
creating a harem by doing it."
Jensen shrugged. "Still bad!" He grinned at the demon and hugged his father's neck. "Mine."
"Yes he is clearly where you get bad ideas from," Henry complained.
"Don't look at me," Lavelle quipped. "I'd love to cure his bad
idea syndrome moment but I doubt I'll be able to do it anytime
soon. Unless the agents really wanna know about twincest stuff."
Henry shivered. "Don't mention that. I might have to go
pounce one of my minions." Jensen made more blowing noises.
Henry patted him on the head. "They do that to me, not me to
them," he quipped. Xander punched him on the arm. "Ow!"
"Don't say shit like that around children," Xander ordered, staring him
down. "And by the way, Lavelle has more power than the
Presidential me. He runs a syndicate that pretty well is the
baseline for half of everything in his world. And he did it by
The demon stared at him and Lavelle grinned and nodded. "Oh,
shit," he said, disappearing to check on that. Yes, that Lavelle
Xander was not a good friend for theirs. Who knew what sort of bad
ideas he'd have!
Xander kissed Jensen on the cheek. "You're so cool." He
grinned. Jensen cackled and hugged him then got let down to toddle
off. Xander kissed Lavelle. "You are too."
Lavelle smirked. "Yes I am." They walked back inside
together. "I'm fairly certain he's going to talk to his idiot
minion the governor about things soon." He smiled. "Though
he did say that people aren't liking the hellmouth option. So I'm
going to browse in town for a bit."
"That could get you hurt," Danny said.
"Dear, I'm a fully trained gunman, taken years of training with samurai,
and have taken down more evil shits than all the slayers combined with
both a gun and a sword. There's not a lot of shit your pretty
little islands here can throw at me that I can't handle. Even in a
mob situation I can teleport." He disappeared to go have
coffee. He adjusted his choker so he looked like his self
here. He found the bar Xander had told him to go to, strolling
"What are you doing out of protective custody!" someone shouted.
Lavelle looked at her and smirked. "I'm not in protective custody,
dear. I'm not your Xander. I'm in to help your
Xander." He smirked. "Lavelle. Second gunman to Lupin
the Third." She moaned and shivered. He blew a kiss.
Then he looked at the bartender. "He's still healing. I did
some minor healing work but he's still got some bruising. So,
where should I go wait to see what the public is doing?"
"The governor is throwing a fit in the press."
"He's about to get my foot up his ass." He strolled off. "By
the way, Xander has a new house in a few days." He waved and
strolled off. He found where the douche was giving a speech and
stared. People started to notice him. "Sure, let's see
people suffer forever instead of for a few generations. Because we
really want dragons to carry off more kids?" The governor
spluttered. "We turned her in. The FBI let her go."
"You should've killed her," he growled.
"Not my job," Lavelle quipped back. "My job is to stop, to hand
the humans to the FBI or the state police so they can be arrested
properly, and the demons to those same entities if the locals have a
demon jail, or to handle them if not and the problem they're causing is
too big. My job is not to kill a human. That's the police's
job. That's the FBI's job. As pointed out a few times, I
don't have a badge." He grinned at the Secret Service
escort. "Do I?"
"No, you don't," he said. "That is the protocol that the last
president set up for them to handle humans causing problems, sir."
He looked at the guy. "You're not Xander."
"Ah!" he said, raising a finger. "I'm not *your* Xander. I'm
here to help *your* Xander." He smiled. "He's still a bit
ouchy from the car thing." Someone rushed at him and he calmly
shot her in the leg. "Unlike *yours*, I'm not the nice fairy and I
probably would've taken her out. Then again, I've got assassin
cred." He grinned. The agent shivered. "Yours is a
nice, normal guy who jumped in because someone needed to so one little
girl didn't have to do it on her own any longer. Just think what
would've happened during the LA invasion if he hadn't realized they
could make more slayers? Or the First Evil battles?" Even
the governor shuddered at that. "So, anyway. We need to have
a definitive answer on the hellmouth issue. Because if not, we're
going to try it in about four days. We can't all rest here, it'll
take too much energy to acclimate our bodies to this realm. All
but sividia me really."
"Do you normally look like that?" the agent asked. Xander adjusted
the choker, becoming himself. The agent choked. "I saw that
anime," he muttered.
Lavelle grinned. "I love me some anime. I'm such an anime
geek." He winked at the agent. "I'm in guarding and helping
my other self. So anyway, we need an answer," he said, looking at
the lieutenant governor.
"We're making that decision tonight. There's those that do not want it here."
"It wouldn't be here. We have plans of it being on a tiny rock in
the middle of nowhere that's protected by a lot of sharp, pointy, boat
"That's even better. Can I get a map of where?"
"I thought we handed it over but we can ask, sure." He grinned. "Anything else you guys need?"
"What about that pulse option!" the governor demanded.
"Sure, we can counter-pulse the magic and destroy all of Hawaii and
probably the world. That's not a problem. I'll evacuate my
other self, his kids, the slayers, and our favorite people to my
realm." He smiled. "If that's what you want, I can do that
on my own." The governor was pale and shaking his head. "You
"The physicist we talked to said it wouldn't happen," the lieutenant governor said.
"Yeah, and he obviously has no idea how strong or how deep the magic is
out here. Let's face it, there's a reason why you guys had a
semi-demonic race of dragons here already before the spell. If it
wasn't deep around here, Hawaii couldn't have the protections it has
against chaos magic." The governor slumped. "If we were like
the Salt Flats in Utah, then maybe it might've not been as destructive
but that still would've leveled about everything in a four hundred mile
radius doing it at the Salt Flats."
"Can you prove that?"
"Ask book nerd Xander when he gets here. That's his field, not
mine. He's what you'd call a curse breaker to use a fandom term
and quote Dawn." He smirked. "I can call him sooner but he'd
have to leave and it'd push the spell back by a few days."
"Please. We can wait another week if we must," the lieutenant governor said. "Can you kill any of the dragons?"
"I'd have to borrow a lot of artillery. Specific classes.
I've got a group of others I know designing something. They own an
artillery design company on another reality and are CSI as well."
"Wonderful," the lieutenant governor agreed with a smile. "That
sort of credibility is more than welcome. Can they help with the
"They're more mundane."
"Pity. When will you have it?"
"Probably about when we'd do the spell." He sent a message to
Sividia Xander so he could pass that on. He got an email back from
Slightly Evil Sam. "Two weeks for that piece of artillery's
design." He looked up. "And we can wait another week to do
"That'll work and give us time for our *science* people to find something," the governor sneered.
"Actually, the physicist that we worked with, he's on a realm where that
show about Atlantis exists. He works there." The governor
shuddered. Lavelle beamed. "The me there is a
linguist." The governor whimpered. "And a hell of a warrior
but a fairly good guy." He shrugged and turned to punch the person
sneaking up on him. "Na-uh! You're not mine. No
touching the ass of doom unless I let you." The man
whimpered. He smirked. "By the way, your Xander is still in
hiding." The guy nodded and whined. "I'm Lavelle,
baby." The guy shifted backward until one of the officers doing
guard duty helped him up. He looked at the lieutenant governor
again. "Anyway, I'm out for scones." He grinned.
"Gotta teach his mini-mes about really great food the same way someone
taught me." He strolled off.
"Sir, are you armed?" one of the officers asked.
Lavelle snickered. "Son, I trained with a samurai. Even if
I'm totally unarmed, I'm still the most dangerous thing on this
island." He took a kiss and strolled off. "Have a better
day, guys, and I hope that your next guarding job isn't for such a moron
like the guy who published your Xander's address and car's
photos. 'Cause you know, the terrorists they've stopped are *so*
helpful in the current crisis and trying to take out the people that're
trying to protect you all. Thanks for the playmates though.
My world's tend to run when they hear I'm there." He smirked at
Buffy when she stomped over. "Yes, dear? Can I help you?"
"Faith and two of the girls are missing."
"Do we have a ransom note?"
"Yes." She handed it over. "I was going to give it to the agent."
Lavelle looked it over and texted that to himself here. Xander
sent back an 'I'll ask' and a few minutes later he had an address.
"Xander said they're here." He handed it to her. "They took
Dawn a while ago because they hate the mystical crap."
"Let us," the officer said, taking it from his hand. "We have a
SWAT team and if we have to we'll call McGarrett from wherever he has
the you here." He walked off calling that in. Within
minutes, SWAT was rolling. So were half the PD's forces.
They did not want a single slayer harmed. When they found they had
kidnaped one of the baby slayers and no one had bothered to tell
anyone, even though the senior girl at the house had reported she was
missing, well.... Xander showed up himself. McGarrett was
apparently babysitting because none of 5-0 was with him. SWAT
watched him walk in and then people screamed and ran out.
"Save us!" one shouted. "We're sorry!"
Xander walked out with the baby slayer being carried. "Yes you
are. I'm going to prove it to you." He handed her to
Buffy. "She's got a broken leg." He walked over to one and
pounced him to beat his ass. It was very stress relieving.
Even better than the woman who liked twins was. Xander got pulled
off the guy when he was gurgling blood and dealt with the rest of
them. They all needed an ER and Xander was smiling happily when he
was done. "Don't touch the baby slayers. They're my
girls." He grinned. "And then I get mad." Even the
SWAT team backed up at that statement and the happy grin on his
face. "And just think, I was in bad idea land all morning.
What the fuck am I going to think up now."
"Maybe you should find an ex," Buffy quipped. "They can take that out of your head, Xander."
Xander smirked at her. "Did that already." She
shivered. He looked at the others watching. "No one touches
my kids, my cousins, or my girls without me showing up and having
*fun*," he said happily. "Remember that please." He kissed
the baby slayer on the head. "Let Buffy take you to the ER to get a
cast. Then you can cuddle the big slayers and Faith can get you
home?" She grinned and nodded, cuddling Buffy. "Good
girl." He patted her on the head. "You're so
wonderful. I'm so glad I killed that sacrificial cult to save you,
baby." She blew a kiss. He strolled off. "I'm going
to help Lavelle find scones then go back into hiding." He waved a
"Jesus," one of the cops whispered.
"No, I think he's from a lower source," another said.
"No, that's Lavelle," Buffy said. "He killed the one that had
him." She walked the slayer over to the ambulance. "Do you
guys want to take her or should we drive her?"
"We have an ambulance coming for her and the other victims, but protocol
says we have to take the most injured first." He grimaced.
"Yay." He went to look at the puddles of people. "Punctured
lung at the least," he said at the first one. His partner hurried
over to help him.
Buffy looked at her slayers. "We'll go soon." They nodded
and settled in to calm down. Only Faith had gotten fairly injured
and that was because her back injury had gotten rehurt. A woman
shoved her way through the crowd. "Who're you?" she asked
"I'm Doctor Amarn. I treated Xander when he had malaria in
Africa. Let me look at you ladies." They nodded, letting her
handle them. One of the paramedics scowled. "I want them
out of harm's way. You guys can transport them since they probably
all need orthopedists. She only needs a cast and this one needs a
back brace and some scanning done. I can take them to the
clinic." She got them loaded into one of the ambulances. It
was only a few blocks away and then they could come back for the hostage
Rachel was watching the news that night with her family after
dinner. They were showing an interview with someone who had met
with Xander in Africa. He told the whole world how he had rescued a
slayer that had been taken hostage by taking out a militia with a
handgun and two spare clips. She shook her head and turned the
channel. Grace took the remote and turned it back. "He never
said a thing about that when he taught our class." She
watched. "Is Uncle Steve that tough?" she asked her mom.
"Probably. Though he'd probably have more guns. Xander had to travel light."
Grace nodded, curling up around her knees to watch the news. There
were a few foreign spokespeople who were talking for agents in some
African countries. They all agreed they had seen Xander solving
problems that had hurt civilians, especially children. One told
about how Xander had been taken hostage once and how he had solved
it. And the drug running group of people. Grace tipped her
head to the side. "Wow."
Her mother turned it off. "I think that's a bit too much information, Grace."
She looked at her mother but nodded. "Probably but I know he'd
never hurt me or the boys. If something happens I know that Xander
will protect me and get me to my Danno or Uncle Steve if I'm separated
She hugged her. "I know he will too." She grinned
back. Stan looked over and slumped. "No one would ever judge
you on their yardstick, Stan. You're nothing like them."
"Or Daniel," he said. He cleared his throat. "Perhaps I should start going to the gym?"
Grace smiled. "I like you just how you are, Stan. You
hush. Everyone has different skills. Xander said so.
Yours is money stuff and being really smart. Xander and Uncle
Steve's is weapons and being protective people. Same as my Danno's
is even if he doesn't do as good as they do yet." She grinned and
kissed him on the cheek then went to her room to email her friends
about her cousin. He was so cool sometimes, even if he did dress
like a sloppy beach bum at times. She uploaded a picture from the
day at the beach with him in a sarong. Her friends thought he was
cute in it.
When one of them asked she said who the others in the pictures were,
including that Hannibal was a hunter too and he had been so injured that
he kept falling asleep, even when the babies had crawled all over
him. When one proved she had Google Fu, and pulled up Hannibal's
fansite, they all giggled over it. They wrote the board there
about what he had been doing and how he had gotten injured fighting that
witch. The people on the board asked how they knew so they
introduced Grace, who said she had been with him on the beach that
She posted the picture there too. They all cooed over it and
Xander's sarong. When someone asked she said she couldn't give out
addresses, it was wrong, but she could give the PD unit that they
worked with on huge demon problems' address. They agreed and she
gave the one at HQ in care of her Danno. That would work for them
all and someone mentioned he was Xander's cousin so that made them even
Buffy knocked and was let into the house Xander was hiding in the next
morning, looking at him. "When did you get the Egyptian skirt?"
"In Egypt?" he suggested dryly. "A few years back. I hardly
ever wear it because I look like a huge dork in it. Why?"
"It's all over the news."
Xander blinked and looked at his coffee then at Danny. "I didn't do it," Danno said.
Lavelle turned on the tv to the entertainment channel. "If it's anything
like ours, there's a news rerun from yesterday now." They
watched. They did talk about hunters. They did flash the
picture from the beach day. Steve winced. It had caught him
shirtless too. He and Grace were playing football with the guys in
Xander shook his head. "I look like a dork."
"You have muscles we didn't know you had," Buffy said. "And there's *drooling*, Xander."
"Are they bad girls?" Lavelle quipped.
"Sleazy reporter types?" Buffy asked.
"Not exactly," Steve said. He walked off shaking his head calling
Kono. "Find out what's going on? Buffy just told us
that." He listened and burst out in muttered swears.
"Thanks." He hung up looking at Danno. "Grace's friends and
she all talked to Hannibal's fansite last night." Danny groaned,
clutching the counter and shaking his head. "She's the one who
posted the beach picture."
"Who's Grace?" Buffy asked.
"My cousin. Danny's daughter," Xander said.
"Oh. So at least she had a reason to have the picture of you in
the skirt." Xander flipped her off. "Why a skirt? It's
not exactly native around here."
"Guys wear sarongs on the beach," Steve told her.
"It didn't touch a single bruised spot," Xander said at the same
time. "I couldn't even wear boxers or briefs that day. Hell,
I couldn't even wear a thong from the bruising, Buffy."
"So you went commando?" she asked dryly.
He nodded. "Yeah, kinda." He stuffed his mouth. "Why?"
"I don't want to know if others saw you that way." She walked off
shaking her head. She told the other slayers, who cooed over
Hannibal. He was hiding from Dawn throwing a fit about the news
stories and the fact that someone had sent her boyfriend panties.
Lavelle looked at Xander. "I've never tried native clothes.
Well, a sari once in girl form, and a few kimonos in each, but not
sarongs. I should do that."
"Kimonos?" Danny asked.
Lavelle grinned. "I have a *huge* collection of kimonos, of both
sexes, and I've worn a lot of them. They're very pretty wearable
artwork. The same as saris are."
He nodded. "I can see that."
"Can you tie it properly?" Steve asked.
"I learned from a Japanese samurai, what do you think?" he shot back
with an evil grin. "I even know the ancient ways to tie them
because we accidentally got sent to visit his ancestors a few
times. And the kitsune way too because one of my daughters is an
ambassador to them. We've been friends for years."
Steve nearly swallowed his tongue. "You have daughters?"
"Yes. I have three daughters, and a few that're basically mine but
not biologically mine. Lupin the Fouth, Lotus.... The two
good girls that went to work with Zenigata."
"No slayers?" Danny asked.
"No. My taint and the reason for it meant that the kids were
reparation for all that. The Powers That Be will not touch my kids
because they know I'll come up there."
Xander hugged him. Lavelle relaxed against him. "I want Ishi
to warp my boys." Lavelle grinned and hugged him back.
"Jensen wanted to learn from him."
"When they're older I'll send Ishi over to help me train them." Xander grinned back.
Danny stared at them. "You two are real huggy today."
"We're cute," Lavelle quipped. "It makes people want us more."
"He's already got some dates that've stolen him from protective custody
to give him presents and dinner," Steve said dryly. "Make them
want you less until you're in the new house."
"I have to check with Maui to see when I can move," Xander said.
"I'll check on that," Steve said. He called him, walking outside
to get the picture of those two in bed together out of his head.
"Maui, Steve McGarrett. Yes I am. That's what I'm calling
about actually. When can we move the protection detail
there? The president's due out to use this house in a few
weeks." He listened. "Really? That's fast." He
nodded. "Cool. So the payment's gone through, all you need
is paperwork? Loki's business interest. Yeah, there.
Thanks, man." He hung up and opened the back door. "Maui's
coming out today with paperwork, Xander."
"Okay." He and Lavelle finished up and went to take care of the
boys. Xander was moving much easier after the healing
spells. The special massages had helped a lot too. Lavelle
was even a champion diaper wrangler who could put up with squirmy
boys. They got them into baths and redressed then fed. The
boys got settled in the living room to play for a while. He and
Lavelle were making evil plans about something they wouldn't fully say
without codewords, which was driving Danny nuts. Steve too when he
caught them at it. Jensen crawled over to distract the two big
people. The Secret Service guys were on patrol rotation right
now. So it was a great start to the day.
Lavelle appeared in front of Sividia Xander. "I've been
thinking. We're going to need at least another magic user.
Dawn's not pure so she's tapping into different sources, even with
"Okay," Sividia Xander said, considering it. "Do we ask book nerd Xander to bring someone extra?"
"What about one of us with magic?"
"There's a few left. Did you want weaker, stronger, higher powers,
lower powers? That one that has memories of a few of us?"
"Not him. This could backlash and hurt him with his special
condition." He considered it. "Not weaker. In case
something happens they should be able to defend themselves. Not
that any of us are weak really."
"That doesn't really narrow it down much," Sam quipped from his spot on
the couch. "Even the nicer, softer GHS Xander isn't really
weak. Weaker magic but a stronger fighter." He looked
over. "What if you got that GHS Xander from Miami?"
"Too complicated and what if a dragon got hit by his hormones?" Sividia
Xander said. "We're not sure if they won't react since they do
react to female hormones." He handed that book to his other
self. "That's why so many women are getting taken."
"I'll let his cousin know so they can put it out." He read it over, grimacing. "Yuck."
"Dolphins can do the same thing," Sam said. He got up to come
over. "If you just need magic, and strong magic, why not ask
wizard Xander? He's not weak, even though he is limping."
"It might require a bit of climbing," Lavelle said. "I haven't
seen more than pictures of him recently and it's a slight, rocky slope."
"He can move better than that. The cane's because of the burns and
some pain issues. Plus, if you need more sudden backup, he's got
Draco, Ron, Harry, the twins, Iggy and his crew if they need them."
"That's not a bad idea." He hugged him. "Thanks. By
the way, they're making a fuss over Xander and Hannibal, plus any other
hunters they can find on that world." He disappeared, going to
Hogwarts. The one he had visited in the past. He was still
so proud that his kids had robbed Gringots. He strolled up to the
door and inside, looking around. A lot of kids talking somewhere
nearby. He cast a tracking charm. "Lunch, great," he
decided, heading for the Great Hall. He walked in and everyone got
real quiet. He grinned at a few that were looking at their
demonology professor then back at him. "Good job, five points," he
told a pretty one with a wink. He walked up to stand in front of
"Of course it is, you'd never show up here without one. How bad?" He ate a bite.
Lavelle was nice enough to wait. "Some witch decided to pay back
one of us for stopping her apocalypse attempt by turning their Hawaii
into a D&D world." That Xander still choked. "It's come
down to we're going to have to create a tiny hellmouth to even things
out in about a week. We need more magical us's. Sividia, me,
booknerd us, the Xander from there, though he's not magical in more
than hellmouth taint. Xander Lokison." Professor
Armwrench choked up the table. Lavelle looked at him.
"Aren't you in the wrong realm?"
"Yes, but I felt one of my artifacts moved."
Xander tapped his choker to flash it. "I told the rest of them why I wear this and had them put it very safely away."
Loki read him and nodded. "Then I'm glad that my gifts could be
helpful to your healing," he said quietly. He disappeared.
Xander looked down then at him. "It's in the joke shop. Fred
tried it on and freaked himself out so hard." He smiled.
"So we need more magic?"
"Probably." He created something. "We're with this Xander
and his kids. And don't get me started on that. They're
adorable. He's got five that're about sixteen months."
Xander shuddered. "Yeah. Thanks to Willow."
"Damn," he muttered. He ate another bite. "I'll get my crew together to see who can help the most."
"Thanks. Call Sividia Xander and he'll come pick you guys up. Or booknerd us. He managed it."
"I can do that." He smiled. "Shoo before the kids hit on you?"
Lavelle smirked. "Are they naughty enough for me?"
"Doesn't mean they won't try," Xander quipped, smirking back.
Lavelle winked and disappeared. Xander looked down at the
headmaster. "For obvious reasons it looks like I'm taking a few
days off in about a week."
"How would you create one?" he asked.
"You create a tiny rip on the universe. Then hope you did it right
to not create a spot of void." He sat back up and went back to
eating. He saw a few still staring. "Should've seen the
convention of us getting together to complain," he quipped, smiling at
one. "There were over three hundred of us." That student
nearly cried. She had a huge crush on him. "That was a bad
guy Xander by the way." He finished his dinner and went to floo
Draco and Harry. They could get the rest together. "I just
talked to Lavelle."
Draco arched an eyebrow up. "Interesting. Why?"
"Someone pulled a Beaugois spell in another, mostly non-magical Xander's
Hawaii." He grinned. "They're going to counter-balance with
a tiny hellmouth creation."
Draco shuddered. "Is the person who did that in prison?"
"Probably jail. They're not on a high magic realm from what I
understand. Though it's a me that has five tiny toddlers."
He grinned. "They need more magical help."
"We'll get together to go over what might be needed tonight," Harry
said, smiling at him. "You do find some of the strangest
situations." He hung up.
Draco nodded. "I hate to agree with Potter but you do, Xander." He hung up as well.
Xander got up with a moan, going to stretch out his knee to see if that
helped him any. At least creating a tiny hellmouth wasn't all that
dangerous. Just tiring.
Xander looked over as someone knocked. "What's up, Dawn?"
She walked in with Hannibal. "Who put the picture from the beach online?"
"Grace. She was bragging to some of her friends and found
Hannibal's fansite." He smirked at the other hunter since he had
groaned and sat down to be petted by Pooch. "What's up beyond
"They finally finished cleaning the mess at the witch's house and found
her suicide note. She claims she wants to be as great and as
powerful as the great chaos witch Willow Rosenburg," she said, handing
him a photocopy.
Xander read it and grimaced. "Has Buffy seen it?"
"Yeah. I called her first. Right ahead of the reporter that call-waiting beeped in."
"Giles is back by the way and he said thank you for finding out he
wasn't him and he's very sorry the demon took over, and he hopes you did
get everything back but he had never heard of such a plot."
"I have." Xander handed back the note. "Did the Council put out a statement?"
"No. Buffy wants to. Giles said not to. Do you want to? We're almost at a dead even vote."
Xander considered it, petting Cougar's hair since he was napping against
his thigh. "Yeah, I do. I want to counter that so Willow's
thought of as tragic and an addict, not a chaos witch."
"I can do that," she decided. "Want us to babysit while you move?"
"Stephen's handling the moving of everything, including the new
artillery. He's got some new guys that want to join but are cocky
so that's their job."
"Great." She grinned and hugged Pooch then handed him back. "Let me go write that."
Xander grabbed some paper, writing it for her. He handed it over. "Take it to the lady you talked to last time."
"Sure." She kissed him on the forehead and left.
Xander looked at Pooch then at the other kids. "Well, this is
going to suck for a few days." Pooch nodded but let himself be
cuddled. Jensen got all the cuddles and it wasn't fair that he
wasn't spreading them around. The other boys needed to learn how
to cuddle. Xander heard a car door slam and looked out
there. There was an agent covered in blood. "Shit," he said,
putting Pooch down and hurrying out there. "Did you get shot,
"Her mother got taken. It's hers," he said, handing over what he
was carrying. "I have no idea why the dragon flinched from
her. Something told me to bring her to you, Harris."
Xander nodded, taking her inside to look her over on the table. He
saw why almost immediately since she was in a baby tank top and a
diaper. "She's a baby slayer." He called someone.
"Dawn, me. Get Buffy here immediately. An agent just found a
baby slayer. Her mom got taken." He hung up, taking her to
bathe her. "Watch the boys for a sec and you can bum some clothes
once I get a washcloth?" The agent nodded, taking off his bloody
jacket and button-up shirt.
He called Danny. "I need tiny baby diapers. An agent just
found a baby slayer. Maybe three months. About ten
pounds. Thanks." He hung up. "Let's get you cleaned
up, sweetness. Uncle Xander will treat you really good until you
can move to the baby slayer house," he said quietly. He got her
cleaned up and let the agent go shower and change while he watched the
kids. The boys were all awake now and moved over to look at
her. "This is a baby slayer." They nodded. Jensen
cooed and petted her hair. He grinned. "That's great,
Jensen. You're very calming. She's had a really bad day."
The head of security for the resort walked in with a bag. "We had
some in emergency supplies. Did her parent get eaten?"
The agent came out nodding. "She did. Xander said she's a baby slayer."
Xander pointed at the mole. "That's a mark all slayers have.
That's the slayer mole." They nodded. Xander got her diaper
changed and then settled her in one of the boys' t-shirts he had
grabbed from the bathroom. "We'll work it out," he promised.
She yawned and went back to sleep. "It's amazing how they can
sleep through nearly anything but pooping." The head of security
laughed. Xander smiled. "We'll be moving in three days."
"That's fine, Xander." He handed over the supplies. "Let me
tell the guards at the main resort." He left to do that.
Xander looked at the agent. "I know there's probably a social worker huffing somewhere."
"Probably. Want me to call the one listed in your file?"
"Please. She can research family and all that." He nodded,
moving to do that from the back porch. He also released the goblin
from the trap again. Xander let the boys crowd around the
baby. "Remember being that tiny?" he teased with a grin.
Frank poked him but they let the little one calm down and quietly rest
for now while guarding her.
The social worker got there at the same time as McGarrett. "Did you get a report as well, Commander?"
"Xander asked for some supplies. Why?"
"She's inside." He walked her in there and she paused to
look. "You're certain she's a slayer?" Xander held her up to
show the mole. "The testing solution?"
"None on me. Buffy's bringing some out."
"That's fine. We should take her into custody and then find her family."
"I can be a foster father for a few days. Not like I don't know
how to deal with babies," Xander said dryly. He paid Steve back
for the diapers and put the bag aside. "There. Boys, can she
check the baby over?" Pooch shook his head. "She's the nice
lady, remember? We work with her." They let her hold the
baby. Xander looked at Steve and pointed. "He brought her,"
he said quietly.
"I'll get a report from him so maybe we can find the family easier."
"If she has a family. She was wrapped in a ratty blanket and only
had a tanktop and a diaper on." He pointed at the pile. The
social worker nodded. "She can go to the baby slayer house.
They can handle it."
"We'll see. Who is going to be the senior out there?"
"Faith. She screwed her back up."
"That's fine. She's of age?" Xander nodded. "Of appropriate skills?"
"No clue," he admitted. "I can teach her how to change diapers and
feed a baby though." She smiled. "I'll end up getting
"I know you would. She's very sweet." She settled in to make
notes about the baby, calling her supervisor to let her know what sort
of problem this was and to get Xander instated as a foster parent for a
Steve came back. "He called one of the local agents to look for
her. No sign of her mother at all. They found her car
there. The registration goes back to a homeless shelter. The
birth certificate on file lists no father."
Xander looked up. "If this was you, Hallie, let me know," he called.
The new demon who had taken Halfrek's job and title appeared. "No. Why would you think that?"
"Totally blank family," he said dryly. "Baby slayer. Agent has a feeling to bring her to me?"
"The slayer spirit called out to him to bring her to you." She
smiled. "Father was a dirtbag. He'd want custody but I'd
rather string him up by his diseased nuts since her mother was sick
thanks to daddy's fucking around." Xander winced. "Yeah, one
of those. He kicked her out when she got pregnant." She
shrugged. "She'll be fine. You and Faith can be mommy and
"I never wanted daughters. The fact that having to watch a
daughter go out and possibly die nightly is going to kill me is beyond
the other problems."
"No, she'll be guarding the hellmouth rock. The boys....."
Frank shook his head. "If you don't, there's no watchers."
"Giles needs to get to screwin' then," Xander quipped, staring at
her. "If that's what they want then so be it. They may come
back to it after a while getting experience elsewhere."
She nodded. "Good point. They should. It might mean a huge difference."
"Not if someone else does that same spell."
"Two are trying and getting ignored. Cordain, ours, kind of ruined
most of the beings who had plans. Mostly by chopping them into
"Sividia Xander said he had freed him." He grinned. "After
that demon took Steve and tried to get him to vow to marry my ass."
"Eww. Yeah, saw that plot too," she muttered, disappearing.
Xander looked at the social worker. "That makes it harder and worse."
"We'll need to do a DNA test for formality's sake," she said.
"It's part of the intake process to find any possible relatives.
Because we should give her father a chance to take custody."
"If so he'd probably kill her," Xander said.
"I know. We'll talk about it with my boss. She likes the one who took over for Halfrek."
"Halfrek and my ex Anya were best friends."
"Aww. I heard about Anya too." She handed over some forms. "Sign and she can stay with you for a few days."
"Okay." He signed and got stuff from his first aid kit to draw
blood for her. She also took a mouth swab and went back to the
office to have them run. He looked at Steve and the boys.
"So, apparently we have a sister staying with us for a bit," he
said. They shrugged and let her nap. "Thanks, Steve."
"Welcome. Though, I probably wouldn't have wanted any kids with that hanging over them."
"They can't make boys slayers," Xander said quietly. "That's why
when I was given a boon I asked to never have a daughter."
"I can understand that." He patted him on the head and left to go tell his cousin that.
Xander was in front of a judge two days later with the baby girl.
The boys were at daycare with an agent watching from the outside.
They were moving to the new house after this. "No, Your Honor, the
agent brought her to me. He had the feeling that I could help her
"Because you've been taking down dragons?"
Xander pulled her out of the stomach snuggler and lifted up her shirt,
walking her closer. "That's the slayer mole." The judge
slumped and nodded. Xander walked back and tucked her back in
securely. She was napping again. "I asked the vengeance
demon over lost childhoods since the facts that we had looked like she
had inserted her to come to me. She told us the facts about the
mother and father. Which then got verified by normal sources."
"All right. What do you have planned for her, Mr. Harris?"
"Helping her until the senior slayer at the baby slayer house in Lihue
can handle her. I'm a favorite spoiling uncle to all the girls
there; most of them I saved and brought in because they were in
danger. I'll be helping with her training and raising, plus
babysitting a lot." He pointed back at Faith. "She's the
senior slayer, Your Honor."
"The father is contesting that she be given over."
Xander glared at him then at the judge. "I think it's pretty showing
that he only gave a damn after he heard she was a baby slayer because
that could give him status. He was halfway through signing the
paperwork to give her up when he ran into some of the Council's forms
and realized what it meant."
"She's my little girl," the birth father complained. "I worried sick about her mother."
"After you kicked her out when she couldn't have sex anymore?" Xander
asked sarcastically. "Enough that she lived in a homeless shelter
for the last nine months? One that was up the road from where you
live? And the people there saw you sneering at her a few different
times?" The man glared. Xander presented the paperwork he
had gotten from the shelter through Kono.
"I see that they did note you hanging around and warned security about
you," the judge said. "They thought you might become
violent." He looked at him. "Slayers take a lot of
training. How are you going to provide that?"
"Not all of them do," he sneered.
"All of them get the training, even if they move to a normal life.
Otherwise they die," Xander said. "Because things come for
slayers. Especially defenseless ones. Are you prepared to
face down a demon to protect your daughter?" The judge cleared his
throat. "We had three die of that in the last few months.
That's why we stepped up training," Xander told him. "Well, they
did. I'm still supposedly retired." The judge hid a smirk at
"She can be watched by a nanny. I'm sure the house would," the father sneered.
"I'm not nanny material," Faith said, standing up. "I'm the senior
slayer over the babies. I've got two older slayers that're
permanently injured but wanted to work with the babies helping me.
Xander helps long distance and sometimes in person when we need him
to. I've had to ship two over to have him help them. Then he
cuddled them, got them calmed down, worked around the problem, and
brought them home."
The judge looked at her. "Parents?"
"All the baby slayers at the house have no parents. One way or another."
"One was trying to hand her daughter to a sacrificial cult," Xander
said. "The nicest one was the mother who couldn't stand to have
her whole family attacked so she came to us and handed her over.
She's five. She's a little spitfire and is extra cuddly."
The judge nodded. "I've seen parents that have those sort of quandaries about children born disabled."
"To be honest, Your Honor, I begged a higher demon to never have
daughters when I got a chance to. I've seen up close and personal
what slayers go through. I never wanted to see my daughter do that
and my sons know if they want to become hunters, or watchers, then
they're going to see the same sort of things."
"I've seen stories on your sons. If I give her to the Council are you prepared to help one that young?"
"Yes. I'll deal with it. It'll hurt. It'll finish
driving me over the edge when she's older, but that's what a parent
does. The boys would be taking the training she'll be getting
anyway. Just in case they do want to end up hunters or
watchers. Or if they want to go military when they're of age."
"I can see how that would happen." He looked at the birth
father. "If you took her, there would be no check from the
state. No medical card, nothing. You would be responsible
for everything for her, including her training expenses until she went
to the Council to finish her training off. Are you prepared for
The guy was glaring at Xander. Xander shrugged. "Slayers
also eat tons. Slayers eat twice what linebackers eat every
day. Even the baby ones. I took the six at the house in
Lihue to an all-you-can-eat buffet place and they closed the buffet out
in two hours. I got some salad and some shrimp." The guy
stomped off. Xander waved. He looked at the judge.
"You'll do fine with a daughter, Mr. Harris. You and Miss Lehane
can work out together how to raise her between the two residences."
"I'll learn how to change diapers from him," Faith quipped.
"At least she doesn't poop as much as Roque does," Xander quipped back.
The judge laughed. "Sometimes kids do that. One of my three
did." He banged his gavel. "Custody is awarded to Mr. Harris
and Miss Lehane on behalf of the Council of Watchers." He signed
the forms and handed them over. "Good luck."
"Thank you," Xander said, tucking them into his diaper bag. He looked at Faith.
"I'm going with you. The babies are mobbing Klia today." He
nodded, taking her down to the waiting car. Maui and Stephen had
worked out how to move them today. They finally got back to the
new house and found the boys waiting. "Bad day at daycare?" Faith
quipped. She looked around. The house was pretty open.
Big kitchen with a table on one wall. The living room had
Xander's furniture already in place. You could see up the hallway
to the bedrooms. You could look out back thanks to some french
doors onto the pool area. The front and back had a nicely cleared
lawn with plants around the edges and around the house. There was a
fence hidden in the growth beyond the plants. It was monitored
and electrified by the demonic security firm Xander used. "Where's
Xander took them down to the shelter area. "Go under the kitchen
and there's the storm shelter. Go this way and it's the deeper
bomb shelter and storage area." He showed them the supply closet
and the new armory room. "Go through the doorway and it's the
weapons room." Faith looked then closed the door shaking her
head. Xander grinned. "Plus she left all the survival
supplies in there. The water's out of date. So was half the
dried fruit so they got used to start a fertilizer pile by wardrobe
me. He helped me pick out defensive plants for around the house."
"That's great," Faith decided. They went back upstairs.
Danny was watching a video while waiting on Xander to come up from the
storage area. It was funny but Xander was being so mean to one of
the teenage slayers.
"Are you a native of Imahoistan?" he demanded, staring her down, hands
on his hips. "Maybe part of their tourism committee and that's why
"Buffy thinks it's cute," the girl defended.
"Buffy doesn't know her ass from a hole that vampires fuck," he said
bluntly. "Which means you look like I should tip you instead of
giving you allowance and I'm torn right now between checking for a
g-string and being outraged as a semi-parent if you're not wearing
one. Probably because you're going commando."
"I am not!" She stomped a foot. "Buffy said it was perfectly good going to school clothes."
"Only if it's take your future ho to work day," he snarked. "Here,
honey, see how momma makes you school clothes money. Some day you
can do mommy's job even better and have a higher class of john's pay
you for your five minutes in an alley," he said in a higher
falsetto. Danny smirked at that.
"You're being mean!" she said, starting to sniffle.
"Fuck yes. Because you look like you belong on a pole. All
you need is clear heels." He looked down. "Never mind, you
have all the stripper mandatories. Including the really crappy dye
job." She stomped off and came back with Faith. "What do
you think of our future Teen Mother of America guild member, Faith?"
"You're being a bit harsh," Faith said but she was smiling. "Yeah,
it's trashy. She's a teenager. She's supposed to wear
"Bull fucking shit. I know Buffy was the mistress of the ho patrol
but damn! Not even she would've went out in that outfit.
And to school! Are they teaching you to count singles?
Because you're not built enough for bigger tips and slayer medical
doesn't cover boob implants." He looked her over. "Or butt
"My booty's just fine!" she shouted back.
"Uh-huh. It could use some firming in training. What's that I
hear? A little voice that says 'training saves my life and makes
me look hot in the whore clothes'. Huh, maybe you should listen to
it, Miss Pouchy Butt." The slayer started to sniffle again.
"Faith, do you hear the 'ho' alarm?"
"Slightly, yeah, but I think it's from the mistress of the ho patrol today."
Buffy leaned in. "Cute outfit, Stel."
Xander snorted. "Are you blind?" he demanded. "Do you not
see that she's one thong away from a stripper pole? I mean, even
the clear heels, Buffy! What are you teaching these girls?"
"I'm a normal girl!" Stel shouted.
"Uh-huh." Xander stared her down. "You know that video where
Michael Jackson starts shouting for his ho? You're the one he's
summoning. And damn if even the zombies wouldn't go 'she needs to
do some training to firm that flabby ass up'. Now, take your ho
ass up the stairs and change before I tip you instead of paying you
allowance." He pointed and stared at her until she stomped off.
"Xander, that was mean," Buffy said.
He looked at her. "Unlike you, who I couldn't yell at, I'm not
going to let a fourteen-year-old girl go out to school looking like she
charges less than five bucks for a blowjob in some scummy alley!"
He glared at her, one foot tapping. "The girls need practical
clothes. Even for school. None of the slayers needs to make
money that way. We pay you an allowance so you don't have to
either find a pimp or find an empty corner." She huffed off.
Xander rolled his eyes, looking at Faith. "And here comes the
wife of Mr. Pimp! Damn! Did your husband dress you today?"
"Isn't Mr. Pimp a soda?" the girl asked.
"No, that's Mr. Pibb and it's a southern thing," he said dryly.
"You, however, look like the big purple hat with the feather pimp guy
you complained about in the club? You look like he dressed you to
go work for him." He pointed. "The slayer skirt length limit
is three inches above your knee. We want you to be tasteful, not
trashy. And so help me Goddess if I find a thong you're in
"What if you don't find a thong?" Faith quipped.
"Then I'd hope I'd find something more modest," Xander slung back,
giving her a look. "I know that's a hope in vain for some of the
girls." He stared at the one coming down the stairs. "Aww,
look it's Mr. Pimp's second wife!" The girl stomped off
crying. "Dear God, put on tights! Solid color, thick
tights! It's forty-god-damn degrees outside and none of you have a
damn bit of sense!" The girls all hurried to change. "And
take your mistress of the ho patrol to make her change too. I
don't want to listen to her complain at Dawn about frostbite on her
vajazzled thing again." Faith walked off howling in
laughter. "Or you!"
"Hey, I wear pants," she said.
He looked her over. "And while they fit you well it's clear that
you need to pray at the altar of Midol. You got some water weight,
"Do you?" she shot back.
"Hell no! Who do you think keeps that damn altar stocked,
woman! I pray to it every damn day thanks to being surrounded by
you girls." He gave her a look. "Ice cream is in the
freezer. I saved you some." She swatted him but walked off
to get it. He scanned the girls coming down the stairs.
"Klia, you and the next three are good. The rest of you outside of
Beth, fucking change and you have two minutes until the bus gets here
or you can walk three-quarters of a mile in this weather." They
ran to change and came down in more modest fare.
He finally let them out of the house and waved at the bus driver.
"Sorry. We had a trip to Imahoistan again this morning." The
bus driver, who was a nice looking older lady with dyed red hair,
smiled and waved back. "Merry, if I have to come pick you up,
you're scrubbing this whole house on your knees since it looks like you
wanna be there." He slammed the door and went to talk to Giles
about sending a reasonable adult to help them clothes shop instead
of Buffy. You could hear him yelling it in the
Then Dawn walked around the camera and smiled. "That's about our
usual morning," she said with a grin. "So, Principal McNeer, do
you understand now why sometimes we're late?" She turned it off.
"You were kinda harsh," Danny said.
"That's because half of them were underage, wearing the slutty clothes
so they meet up with their boyfriends after school, and I didn't want to
visit another maternity ward ever again. It was bad enough one of
the girls had some because her parents made her get married at
fifteen. I did not want any of the others to have the same
problem." He sat down and looked at the snoozing kids.
"The funny thing is, he and Andrew put up a small altar in the kitchen
with a stack of midol bottles," Faith said as she walked into the
kitchen. "They did pray there most nights to have the sanity for
the next morning."
"Yes I did. The three teen mothers we have were all because they
were wearing ho gear courtesy of Buffy. Giles went on a 'oh bloody
hell' rant for so long some of us thought we were being invaded.
Then one girl came running out of the office crying. I did not
make her feel much better."
"The principal still probably hates you," Faith said.
"He wasn't real fond of me when Dawn showed him her excuse for missing
the bus too many times. He told me I ripped down their
self-esteem, that girls were like that and they had to get it out of
their systems. That real parents would understand this and I was
clearly not good for the girls and he was going to report me to
CPS. I called in the CPS worker we worked with, because a few
girls had been in the system. I showed her the tape and she told
me I was harsh but at least my girls looked like young women instead of
young rap video hookers. The principal had to replace all the
stuff on his desk from the spitting he did." He grinned.
"And she congratulated me on making sure none of them turned into hos."
"Two of the girls gave up sex until after college, even after giving the
babies up for adoption," Faith agreed, coming out with juice for her
"We made them?" Danny asked.
"No, but we were real honest. They talked to the slayer that had
kids and was trying to catch up in school. They talked to the
older ones that had families too to see how things worked.
Unfortunately the house got attacked when they were both about six
months along and we had to send them to safety at our backup place in
Scotland. They didn't want to go, they fussed about it the
whole way, but it got pounded into their heads that they could not fight
in that condition.
"That the baby was in the way, it could kill one or both of them if they
got hit wrong. That they were a liability that their sister
slayers were having to protect. Since neither one was any good at
weapons work, they were vulnerable and they had to go somewhere safer
than a house that was getting attacked every other week. Though
I'm pretty sure Abby, Hannibal's friend and partner, was the deciding
factor. She escorted them to make sure they got there safely."
"She said she had a few real life talks with the girls about being women
instead of whiny babies," Faith said. "I told her we had
tried. She cackled her ass off about that video. She said
her father would've done the same thing or just simply tried to tip her
to embarrass her." She checked the littlest one and then looked at
the guys again. "I still like the bra talk." Danny gave her
a funny look so she grinned back. "We have a few well endowed
slayers. The titty fairy visited them *way* too often. A few
of them have had to reduce it before they hit eighteen they're so
gifted from the boob fairy." He shuddered. "One of the
girls, had to be a natural H cup, decided freeboobing felt better.
Which I can agree with. Though at her size it had to hurt her
"She was complaining about all her backaches," Xander said. "That's why we had the talk."
"He pulled her and one of the tinier tittied girls in front of a large
mirror and pointed out that there was a difference. And that the
one with the A cup didn't have backaches, though she always wore a
bra. That meant she'd be perky for a very long time. Then he
looked at the other girl and down at her chest then back at her.
Told her he could hide a shitload of weapons under them since the
sagging was what was causing the backaches and unless she wanted to
reduce them she was probably going to have to do something before they
sagged like some native women. Then he produced pictures.
She started to cry that her breasts were nearly at her beltline already
and getting bigger due to gravity.
"Then he mentioned some day she'd have a kid and nurse the damn
thing. It'd never go hungry. Two days later she came to
Giles and asked about reduction surgery. Buffy also took her
specialty bra shopping." She grinned. "It helped a
lot. They got her some special ones that worked like sports bras
to help the bouncy problem she had. Even Buffy was horrified by
the cost of the bras at her size. Not even her fancy lingerie was
that expensive, and those were for plain white cotton bras."
"I reminded her to get one she could hide weapons in or get a better bra
dagger holster," Xander quipped. "I went with her to her
appointments and surgery too. As soon as those bandages came off
she was a freeboobing B cup. She said that was the best decision
of her life."
"She finally had a kid and decided not to breast feed so she wouldn't grow again," Faith told him.
"They get in the way from what I've seen of yours and Buffy's.
Those tie back shirts of hers and the stick-on bra pads did not offer
support and even the vamps used to stop, stare, and watch her bounce
through a patrol."
"I think I caught Fang's eyes following the bouncy one night," Faith said with a grin.
"Wouldn't surprise me any," Xander shot back. The baby fussed so
he picked her up to cuddle. That worked and she went back to
sleep. "I was a very hands-on dad to the pack of slayers,
whichever ones I was around. Giles was a lot more distant and an
'all right, if you really must' dad. I was there for the good, the
bad, and the insane. Including when that one girl tried to tell
me a few weeks later that her teacher thought she looked good in that
outfit. She didn't make it to school that day and we had a *long*
talk. She defended him up until the point where I called an
SVU detective that afternoon. He told her exactly where the line
was drawn. After she finished crying we went to visit the nice
detective to make out a statement."
"That night he called a house meeting to talk about the history teacher," Faith said.
"I thought he was history."
"No, we found out about the history teacher at the other school later
on. He had mined the bathrooms with video cameras that had motion
detectors to start taping."
"That's right. We found him out afterward because one of the girls
googled her name and found his site," Faith said. She shook
her head quickly. "Xander went down to that school, got the
principal out of her office by her hair, walked her off by her hair to
the bathroom, and pointed at the camera when they got in there.
She let out a shriek like he had just hit the G spot with a jet
engine. Xander showed her the site the slayer had found. She
stomped off to beat his ass and Xander got Buffy's old pompoms to cheer
"In front of the students," Xander agreed. "Then she had to call
each of the parents in that class to apologize for losing her temper and
tell them why, which led to sent home letters about him, and the
detective coming to talk to each and every single student in his
class. I got to explain *twice* why he was taking potty
shots. Both to older girls who weren't in his class and hadn't
went to that school."
"I sure as hell couldn't," Faith quipped. "I never saw the attraction in that."
"One still couldn't understand sex stuff so I sent her to Spike," Xander
admitted. "He gave her the same sex talk he had given Dru.
She was a bit Victorian so it was worthwhile. She finally got it."
"Last I knew he said he was still going to kill you over that."
Xander grinned. "If he's not nice, I'm making him give it to my
boys, her, and Dawn's future kids. Hell, I'll arrange it so he's
her lamaze coach."
"I doubt he'd like that," Danny said, shaking his head to clear it. "You need laid or something. That's evil."
"Thank you." He grinned. "I wonder if Lavelle ever had to give that talk."
Lavelle appeared. "Not to my girls. I had to yell once or
twice when they broke the very lenient rules we set down about having to
be sixteen, using all sense and forms of birth control, and looking up
anything kinky before they tried it. The two good girls did it on
purpose and got married off because of it like we warned." He
leaned down to replay the video, snickering through it. "Yeah, I
would've done that." He hugged himself and cooed at the
baby. "Hi. Who're you?"
"Her momma named her Lolita Jolene," Xander said. "She's almost an
orphan. Daddy gave up rights. Faith and I are raising her
"Aww. She's adorkable."
"She's a baby slayer," Faith said.
"Even better. The boys are going to be overprotective of you for your whole life, Jo."
"Yes they will," Xander said. "And so will I."
Faith grinned. "Yeah, probably me too." She took her to
cuddle. "C'mere. We'll change you and put you down for a
"No cribs," Xander said.
"One mystically appeared," Danny said dryly. "You had them in
storage in case you got more kids." He looked up at Lavelle.
"He has bad ideas."
"Don't we all?" He smiled. "Are you asking me to cure them?"
"Not if I have ta hear about it." He got up. "Rachel wanted to know where you are now so she can bring Monkey over."
"Sure. Bring away." He smiled. "We have a pool. It's not quite the ocean but it's pretty good."
"I can tell her that." He patted him on the head. "Eat something. Faith, need a ride somewhere?"
"I'm camping tonight," she called, coming out and going to the bathroom. "She's in with Jensen and Cougar, Xander."
"Okay." He looked back at Lavelle. "Are you really bored?"
"Really going to kick my man's ass. Both of them. Jigen's
got that same itch to get into trouble. So of course they ran off
and nearly got arrested, and I had to save them. Which made
"At least they're not cheating," Danny said.
"No, the one time I caught Lupin cheating, I took his wallet, all of the
kids, and went to Orlando." She smiled at him for that.
"The kids were so good on their theft competition and they worked
together so well to almost steal a whale from Sea World. Had
everything planned down to the shipping and how to let it live near
us. We had to stop them before they actually pulled it off because
we were pretty sure the neighbors would notice the whale."
"Probably, yeah," Danny agreed.
"I did promise that if it ever happened again, I was taking his wallet
and going to Rodeo Drive next time with all the kids and our financial
manager who had access to all his accounts." He smiled sweetly and
"Ouch," Danny said, rubbing his back pocket. "That hurts mine even
thinking about it. One kid at Disney is bad enough."
"They managed to shoplift over eight thousand dollars worth of stuff
before we ended the competition. And one of the kids got someone's
passport and chemical formula off the plane."
"I guess you guys would be proud of that," Danny decided. "I'm
going to see my daughter. You guys behave. Calm down.
All that." He left them alone. Faith could chaperone or not
as she wanted. The kids would be fine because Lavelle had kids and
he knew what kids needed. Including babies. So he could
ignore them all he wanted.
Lavelle and Xander shared a grin and went to put the kids to bed. It was Xander time.
Jensen walked outside later that night. He was bored. He
wasn't sleepy. The new baby was boring to watch because she slept
all the time. The others were asleep. Daddy was worn out
after playing with the other him. So he was bored. He liked
to wander. The grass was pretty and there weren't any
snakes. He had a sixth sense about snakes and cats. He
looked up at the trees, noticing someone had moved that black and white
cat with them again. That was food nearby and he had a nice tree
to stay up in so he could sniff everything.
Jake knew that the other Xander that flew the TARDIS wardrobe had helped
with all the planting. He liked plants. That's why they had
veggies and flowers, and a few weird things. Including one that
was drawing his attention. It was wiggling. It looked like
it was dancing but there were flies around it. He toddled over and
looked. It was a set of wiggly vines. Jensen stared.
He had never seen anything like it in the jungle. Vines yes.
Wiggly vines no.
He carefully moved closer. One of the vines patted him and he
grinned. It was friendly! He moved closer to look at it and
one of the vines kissed him with its sucker. That was so
sweet. He ran back inside to get his shell friends to show his new
plant friend. It tried to kiss them too but couldn't get a good
grip. Jensen put them aside and wiggled with the plant. It
kissed him and patted him a few more times. The flies got
eaten. Jensen got happy with the dancing plant. The kissy
vines loved him. It was all good for Jake Jensen-Harris.
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