Asking Buddies For Help.
Xander watched Dawn freak out and pull her hair as she paced around
ranting. There was nothing she could do and people were trying to
expect her to fix it. Xander got up off the couch with a groan,
making Dawn look at him. "Let me ask a bigger expert."
"There's one of those on D&D worlds?" she asked sarcastically. "Why haven't I met them before?"
Xander grinned. "No, but there's a Xander that has access to all
the information in hell." She blinked a few times. So did
Hannibal from the other couch. He wrote out a quick note and stuck it
into the Xander convention box.
Sam looked over at the blinking box. "Xander, one of your other
selves wrote," he called. He wasn't touching it. The
convention itself nearly killed all his brain cells. A few of
those other Xanders were really weird.
Xander plucked the note up to read, going pale. "That's really
bad." He went to the library. "Sam, take that to
Cordain. Then call Lavelle."
"Yup," he said, writing out a note to put into the box for
Lavelle. Then he sent himself to Xander's boss in Hell's
armies. "Cordain, the Xander convention box just shot this
out." He handed over the note.
Cordain, head Sividia, looked at it and shuddered. "That's
bad." He called the research panel. "Help Xander find the
answer before it spreads." He handed the note over.
"There's very few options," one said, going to get the book for Sam.
Xander blinked at the answer in the form of three people showing
up. "Thank you," he said, giving his other self a hug. "Hi,
slightly evil Sam. Lavelle." He gave him a hug too.
"What happened?" Xander handed over the notes on what was found in
the house. Dawn handed over what she had felt by testing against
They went over it and the book, with Dawn helping, and came down to
three bad ideas. There were only three ideas total but they
weren't good choices. "We're going to the station," Dawn
decided. "That way we can give everyone options." They
nodded and came with her. "Xander, lay back down, Mister; you're
still injured." She closed the door behind herself.
Lavelle looked at Dawn. "What happened?"
"Two battles against the batty bitch that did this. Same as it did to Hannibal."
"Ah," Sividia Xander said. "I've been there in the past."
"The dragon kinda slammed an SUV into him after the first battle."
"Even better," Sam decided, shaking his head. "Dragons?"
Dawn nodded and pointed at one flying around. He looked up.
"Xander, can you get it? It looks like it's got prey."
Xander looked, focusing on it. "It's got a human and it's too high
up to safely drop it." He took off and went to defeat the
people-eating dragon and save the damsel in distress. He might be a
general in Hell's armies but he was still a white knight in many ways.
Dawn grinned. "Track your Sam," she called. She got them
into her car. "I know," she told Lavelle, having to magic the
engine. "It's a piece of crap but it was cheap. I'm about to
make it run on imp power since it's totally environmentally friendly."
Lavelle looked and did the spell for her. She beamed at him. "Welcome, Dawnie."
Steve looked up as Dawn and a Xander that was not theirs showed
up. Behind her was a guy he had seen on tv and then a later Xander
with wings. "Okay," he decided. "Dawn, who are your
"This is Lavelle, who is a darker than average knight. This is
Sividia Xander and his slightly evil Sam." She smiled. "They
have access to all of Hell's libraries so they could find sources I
couldn't." She put the book on the research/computer table.
"This is all we can find. We have three really bad choices."
Danny walked in and blinked. "How in the hell?"
Lavelle smirked. "The Xander convention emergency broadcast system," he said sarcastically.
Dawn hip-bumped him. "Be nicer. He's your cousin." She
noticed Kono staring at the fluffy wings and grinned. "They're
very soft, but Sam's possessive. He gave all of hell migraines for
picking on Xander."
"I'd never pick on Xander. Ours is pretty dangerous and these two are probably worse."
Sividia Xander hugged her. "Thank you." He looked at the
cousin and smiled. "I know you." He opened the book.
"Who else has to hear?"
"The governor. Can we narrow down the choices?" Steve asked.
"No," Dawn said. "And they all suck ass."
"Figures," Danny said. He came closer. "How bad?"
"Suck it up and leave it be. Create a hellmouth here to suck the
extra magic into it. Create a counter-pulse that could destroy the
islands and the world."
"Let's leave that last one off," Steve said. He called the
Governor. "We're here with Dawn Summers and a few helpful people
from another realm she talked to."
"She had to create *more* problems?" the governor complained.
"Watch me come and put a dragon in your asshole," she told the
phone. "I'm sure I can shrink one down." He growled.
"You have two bad choices and one that's nearly impossible and an
apocalypse." She paged Buffy, who walked in.
Buffy paused. "Huh," she said, staring at the two Xander's that weren't hers. "Interesting."
"We met at a Xander convention," Lavelle quipped with a grin for her.
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me about Xander," she decided. She
came over, staying away from Sividia Xander. "I know you're
partially evil so I'm staying over here."
"Sure," Sam quipped with a grin. "You do in our world too."
"Good to know. Do we have a solution, Dawn?"
"We have a few options," she said. "We can suck it up and learn to
live with it. We can create a hellmouth to channel the extra
magic. That would slowly destroy the magical creatures over the
next fifty years or so. Or we can try to counter-pulse and
possibly destroy the world."
"Let's not do the last one," Buffy said.
"There's no way to stop it?" the governor complained from the phone.
"No. She called on enough higher powers in the demon hierarchy
that to get them to agree to undo it would cause a war that the world
would never survive," Sividia Xander said. "I asked a few to
reconsider their help. They said if we went with the hellmouth
option they'd withdraw. The rest said they would but only if their
counterparts did and they weren't going to unless the first side did,
which will take a war."
An angel appeared. "Why am I here?" he demanded.
Dawn looked and shrugged. "We didn't summon, Castiel. Are you on your right world?"
He felt around and shook his head. "No, I'm not. Why?"
Sividia Xander handed him the papers. "Can you see another option we haven't?"
The angel looked it over and then did a better sensing. He growled. "How did Hell's people do this?"
"A witch did that," Dawn said dryly. "She got mad that hunters
stopped her from creating an apocalypse. They ripped her apart for
it." She pulled him closer by his overcoat sleeve. "This is
what we've found through Lavelle and Sividia Xander with their
people. Do your people have any different ideas?"
He flashed out and came back a few minutes later shaking his head.
"No. They're staring across the realms in horrified awe.
They sent me to be destroyed by it instead of themselves here." He
looked at the book. "You could do a Thraxton spell."
"That's the counter-pulse," Lavelle said. "It could end up
destroying everyone and it would kill Dawn. Plus about another
thirty witches it'd take to be strong enough."
Castiel grimaced. "That is a point." He looked over the
notes. "The hellmouth would take years to fully control
things. It would need a guardian."
"We have a baby slayer compound here," Buffy said quietly.
"I noticed. They're safe for now." He considered the spread
of the spell, marking new boundaries. "It's still growing."
"How do we stop it easiest?" Steve asked.
Dawn shook her head. "It'll eventually stop itself." She
worked out the math on some paper Chin handed her. He was still
staring at the wings too. "It'll reach the mainland and stop
around Las Vegas." She drew over the map to show where it'd be.
Castiel adjusted one line. "There's a protection from it going
higher, even with Sunnydale in the way," he said quietly. She
nodded, smiling at him. "How many more months of it spreading?"
"Few days," Lavelle said. "By her math."
Sividia Xander considered it. "That's not a protection my world has. Are you sure, Castiel?"
"I am." He would not wonder why a Sividia was helping the Light this time. Desperate times and all that.
"Okay. So, the answer to the dilemma is either suck it up or create a hellmouth. Which one is more liked?"
"We can ask the public through a news person," Buffy said. "That way the government doesn't get blamed."
"It's the job of the government to make those decisions, young lady,"
the governor said hotly. "I don't know who you are...."
"The senior slayer Buffy," she quipped with a grin at the phone.
"And it's my people that get attacked when your people make bad
decisions about demon things."
"Letting popular opinion out on this might mean less finger-pointing and bitching later," Danny agreed.
Lavelle nodded. "Definitely."
"Is that Harris?"
"Not the one from here," Dawn said. "Ours is on the couch babying
his internal bruising. Still. The two here are both
excellent researchers and had a lot of places to look to get
"That's an idea," Sividia Xander said, looking at Lavelle. "Go get book nerd us." He nodded and disappeared.
"I want to learn how to do that," Dawn complained.
"Comes with the hell powers in his case," Xander said, patting her on
the back with a grin. "You're too good for that." He
winked. Lavelle came back with their self that was a book nerd
curse breaker in another world. "Did he tell you why?"
"I've seen it mentioned once before from another realm." He looked
at the book and pulled out another one. "There's a way to counter
"Is that one safer than the one we found here that could kill everyone?" Buffy asked.
"Yes. This one can be done once it's dissipated some."
Dawn showed him what they had. "These are the only ideas we've found."
Xander Dumass nodded slowly. "Yeah, that'll work. Creating a
hellmouth here isn't that hard. The me here can guard it and any
kids of his can take over."
"What if they don't want to?" Danny asked. "This one's kids got here by a weird method."
"Then if he wants to he can adopt, appoint, or have another one," Dumass
said with a grin. "It doesn't have to be direct bloodline
guarding." He leaned on the table. "Making one can be a bit
dangerous. If you're not careful you can make a spot of void
instead of a hellmouth rip. Though having it around the hellmouth
might help keep it safer." Dawn nodded she understood why.
Buffy looked confused. "It'd suck in anything trying to directly
touch it," he explained.
"So a safety measure. Would it stop people like Ethan?"
"No. Not by any means. The protections I can feel would and they are still very strong, this has hyped them a bit."
"Shoot." Something slammed into the window and Sividia Xander
waved a hand to kill it. "Wow," Buffy said. "What are you?"
He grinned. "Sividia. And this is my mate, Sam."
"Awww. Our Xander needs one of those."
"Willow tried to pull them too to give him to Xander as another son," Dawn reminded her.
"Yeah, well, that was bad. A grown up one could be a good boyfriend for Xander. Another baby would drive him nuts."
"Sometimes," Dawn agreed. "They did me too." She leaned on
the table, looking at everyone. "So it looks like the hellmouth
option would be easiest and safest. Eventually it would stop the
problem and at that time we might be able to implode a tiny
hellmouth." She looked around.
Book nerd wizard Xander was working on that problem, nodding a
bit. "Perhaps but we'd need to sit it nearly at the center of the
"Which is a tiny piece of rock," Sividia Xander noted, pointing at the
map Chin had pulled up. "Looks too small for people to live
"It's bout ten miles across," Chin said. "That whole set are all
volcanic rock. No soil, trees, or anything. They're newer
formations of volcanic islands."
"So we could probably create a boundary around it," Dawn said, leaning
over to look at the map. "Is that a reef or something?"
"A lot of sharp, pointy, boat destroying rocks," Steve said with a
slight smile. "If we have to put one somewhere that's actually a
good spot. No one can get there easily."
"It's within the protections laid on the islands," Xander Dumass
said. Castiel nodded at that. He looked at Sividia Xander
and then at Lavelle.
"You could probably hang glide or something in but then it'd be hard to get out and we can put a guardian spell around it."
"That is not an option I like," the governor said.
"Then I'd be prepared to suck it up," Buffy said. "Because we
can't endanger everyone else by killing all the powerful witches who can
stop apocalypse summonings."
"We could," the governor said. "Magic is an abomination."
"Bite me," Dawn said. "And by the way, trying to kill me would set
off a chain reaction that could destroy this and other worlds thanks to
a hell goddess that was once after me." They could all hear the
Curse breaker Xander looked at her. "Technically, you might not have enough power now that you're not as pure."
"I'm more powerful now," she said.
"No, you have quicker access to a deeper pool, but I'm not sure if you
can still touch that area. My Dawn had that problem and we had to
do something to get around it." He wrote out a book name and
author, handing it over. "That's what we had to use." She
tucked it into her pocket with a grin. "Who are you dating anyway
since in mine you're dating Ron Weasley?"
"Hannibal. He's a hunter here." She grinned.
Buffy nodded. "He's a lot like our Xander only likes weapons less
and is a bit more people friendly. I almost crushed on Hanni
myself but he's a bit too much like our Xander for that."
"But he's very sweet and he likes me being a huge book nerd," Dawn quipped with a grin.
"Is this the time for this discussion?" the governor demanded.
"Yes," they all said. Even Steve and Danny.
"If you don't celebrate the good things then you become bitter and an
unstable human," Buffy said. She looked at the gathered
Xander's. "How long?"
"If we do the hellmouth spell, it'll take a week to prepare," Dawn
said. "There's gotta be some fasting and things." The others
nodded. "We'd have to wait almost a year or so to do the pulse
against it to see if we can counter some of it. Doing that spell
will reduce the magic by about thirty percent immediately. Then
over time it'd slowly retreat more. It'd take about forty years to
fully kill off all the magical creatures though."
"So suck it up in a permanent manner or suck it up for few generations but it'll slowly get better," Steve paraphrased.
They all nodded.
"Why can't we look at this by way of science?" the governor demanded, sounding almost shrill.
"Because most of the time scientists look at magic and go 'eeeh' and
then contemplate their belly buttons for *years*," Dawn quipped.
"If you've got a massive physics person to add to our consult group,
we'll gladly show him what we have."
"We don't have a McKay here," Buffy complained. "The girls all like that show for the hotty warriors."
Dawn smiled. "Me too. Hannibal too. He said he wants to teach Ronon how to hunt demons."
"He'd be good at it," Buffy agreed. She looked at the
Xander's. "There's not one of you that accidentally went as Rodney
for that special Halloween, right?"
"Not that I know of or have met," Sivida Xander admitted. "But I
know one that works with him. And the Doctor." Curse breaker
Xander shivered. "Yeah, he is the higher power of geek
now." They all looked over at the swishing noise and then a
wardrobe appeared. "Heard us talking about you?"
"Got the message in about three hours." He sent it and then
settled in between Sam and Dawn. "That totally sucks," he
decided. "Good thing I brought my boys. Radek, Evan?" he
"Is it a convention? Because last time they pinched Radek," Evan said from the doorway of the wardrobe.
"Just a mini one because a witch turned this Hawaii into a D&D
world," Dawn said with a smile. "The governor wanted physics taken
Radek came out. "Studying my art against magic is very
confusing." He saw what they had and whimpered. "That is
"It is. It gave our Hell more headaches than we do," Sam quipped
with a grin. A clap of thunder went off and another young Xander
showed up. "Hey. Here to help?"
"Yup. I saw. Odin looked this way at the strange magic and
started to whimper so it's my job to see what happened this time."
Radek handed over the notes and started work on a few different math
problems. "Wow, you mean one of us married a nerd bigger than
us?" Radek scowled so he grinned back. "I'm in awe of anyone
who does math. My half-brother John works with the you in his
world. His new baby cousin Diama is now the Goddess over
Engineers." Radek whimpered. Xander grinned.
"Basically, yeah." He leaned over to read what was going on.
"Shit that sucks." Dawn snorted. "It'll take all of us here
to do the hellmouth spell if we don't add in anyone outside." He
tested. "Maybe one or two more with magic."
"I can get my Dawn, Ron, Harry, and my mate Draco," Dumass offered with a
grin. "They could use the vacation from curse breaking anyway."
"Could help," that Xander said. He looked. "And say hi to my
dad in your world." He grinned. "I'm sure Loki would be
"Probably not," Xander Dumass quipped back. "But he is over curse breakers."
"You're from a Harry Potter world?" Kono choked out.
He grinned. "Alexander Dumass. I regrew up in Sunnydale
thanks to a curse. I am the curse breaking book nerd of the
universe according to some of my friends and family."
Danny got a call. "Hey, what's up, Monkey?" He
listened. "Unicorns are probably soft, yeah. Are you petting
"Don't touch the horn," Dumass said. "It can seriously hurt
you. My family raises them." He smiled at Dawn. "Pity
you never got to pet one."
She slugged him on the shoulder. "I don't need soft things."
"She has a boyfriend for that," Buffy quipped.
"What do unicorns eat?" Danny asked. "Will they eat grass?"
"Yeah. Ours do. We make a special mash for them
sometimes." He wrote down the recipe. "Use pure silver
instruments to brush them. If you milk them, the cream goes bad in
about two days if it's not refrigerated at about forty degrees. If you
have any bent toward chaos magic, unicorn cream is really tangy.
If not, it's really sweet. We have open stalls for the herd that
chose our farm's land to graze on."
"Okay, good to know," Danny said, telling his daughter that and reading her the recipe.
"Can't we just kill all of them?" the governor complained.
"No," Dawn and Steve said.
"Dragons are bulletproof, Governor. Since a minor piece of
artillery didn't kill that first one, I doubt we can without a lot of
help that would probably destroy parts of Hawaii as well."
"The damn pineapple crop might be ruined," Danny quipped since he had
just hung up. His daughter liked pineapples for *some*
reason. He wouldn't disappoint her with that opinion.
"Dragon dung makes a great fertilizer, but you have to neutralize the
fire causing properties," Dumass said. He disappeared and came
back with a few books, handing them to him. "There, on magical
creatures, magical plants, and uses of them both." He looked over
the notes again. "So, which option is looking the best?" he asked.
"None of them. Why can't we have a good, scientific solution?" the governor asked.
Radek cleared his throat. "Because there is not one beyond those
ideas. Cannot counter such a thing without causing irreparable
harm. Cannot undo or else would have already been tried.
Unless you only want 49 states in US, will not work."
"Who are you?" the governor asked more politely.
"I am Dr. Radek Zelenka. I am dating the Xander in my world and he
was asked for help." He pushed his glasses back up. "Not
even Colonel Impossible or Dr. Giant Bitchy Brain can solve this one
Dumass snickered. "That's a cute name. I should use that on my Draco."
"Okay," Buffy decided. She looked at Steve.
"Option two will have to be it," he said.
"We can tell people," Dawn suggested. "That way they're
prepared. Make lessons on how to avoid dragons grabbing you."
"We'll have to do a PR campaign on how to handle supernatural things
until a slayer can get to it," Buffy said. "By the way, we're
naming Faith over the baby slayers." Steve and Danny both
smirked. "She likes being in a bikini. She gets along well
with the baby slayers. And she just messed up her back in a
"So she can help Hanni and limp along?" Dawn quipped.
"Definitely. Maybe she'll even learn how to surf. Slayers should be good at surfing."
"It's possible," Steve said. "It's not hard to learn but you need good balance."
"Can't you people focus?" the governor complained.
"We are," Buffy said. "We have two options. One's good, it's
sound, it'll ease the problems slowly but it'll eventually end
them. The other is sucking it up and just doing 'this is how you
defeat a dragon' lectures." The governor hung up. "Dawnie,
wanna be our spokesperson?"
"I can do that." She looked at the others. "Give it a week
to power raise, meditate, all that?" They nodded and went home to
prepare. Dawn gathered her notes and looked at Steve. "Now
all we need is a reporter."
"There's many," Chin said, shaking himself free. The wings were
still doing bad things to his and his cousin's mind. He called
someone and then led Dawn to them.
Dawn smiled and shook her hands. "I'm the temporary spokesbeing for the Council."
"That's fine. We can go live with a quick question and answer
statement session." She led her to the sound stage. "I'm
here with...." she said once the cameras were rolling.
"Dawn Summers. I'm on the Council's research panel and I'm the
temporary spokesperson since I'm going to college locally right
now." She gave the reporter a weak smile. "I'm really sorry
if I lapse into California teen language since I'm not real used to
public speaking. I know some of you guys hate that."
"That's fine. I realize you're not a professional reporter or PR
person. What, exactly, happened?" Dawn went over the whole
situation in greater detail. "Now what do we do?"
Dawn shifted some and grimaced. "We have two possible
solutions. We have a suck it up solution. And we have a
'create a small hellmouth to suck in the magic' solution." The
reporter winced. "It'd be off the islands, on a little volcanic
rock that no one can get to."
"How long would it take to kill off all the extra...creatures for lack of a better word?"
"From our estimates, about fifty years total." The reporter winced
again. "But we'd see about a thirty percent decrease within a
year. We thought about banishing some of the more harmful things
to other realms but doing so would create a huge hole and would lead to
later problems. The problem is that it's already reaching the
mainland. By our calculations it'll probably reach Las Vegas by
tomorrow and that's as far as it'll go. Doing the mini hellmouth
on that rock will suck in some of that as well. Since we're closer
to the epicenter of the spell damage, we'd get hit for longer.
The hellmouth would be off every single inhabited spot. I'm told
that it's really hard to get to that spot by normal means as well."
"Did we have any creatures here before like this?"
Dawn grinned. "There is a semi-demonic miniature dragon species up
by one of the volcanos. Xander took me to see them with his
niece. They're adorable and about arm's length but they breathe
fire. I think that's the breed of the one that came down and tried
to adopt one of Xander's sons as a human plaything."
"That's good to know," the reporter said, shaking her head quickly.
"Hey, LA already has elves."
"Elves?" the reporter asked.
"Elves. Froufy, high court elves." The reporter cracked a
smile. "And a few places where the local sorcerers out there have
created towers for their future works. Theirs would be at the
unmeasurable stage within twenty years. By then, most of them
would've passed on because being a sorcerer on the wrong side doesn't
exactly lead to a long life unless you're doing something like an
"Is there really no other choice than it being permanent or being long-term but slowly being leeched off?" the reporter asked.
"We could counter magical pulse against it but it would kill everyone
involved in the spell and might end the world. We considered that a
bad idea and the worst case scenario. At the very least the
destruction would mean the US only has 49 states."
"I can agree with that," she said quickly. "Where is the usual spokesperson?"
"She's interning at CNN the last I knew." Dawn smiled. "Her
sister has done some of our spokesbeing stuff and she's at Georgetown."
"How are you related to the Council?"
"I'm Buffy's little sister."
"Oh!" She smiled and Dawn grinned back. "So you know the whole senior council."
"Yes, I do."
"You're still in college?"
"I'm pretty good with language stuff. I read like six of them and a
few demon ones as well. I'm working on my Masters right
now. Mostly out here to heal after an assassination attempt."
"That's good. So you've been with Mr. Harris?"
"When I was still at the really weak stage, I slept on a cot at his
place." She grinned. "The boys love me even if I do cuddle."
"That other hunter we've seen him with?"
"Hannibal. He's been on both our couches. Right now he's on
Xander's babying his five-hundred-and-thirteen stitches."
"How is Mr. Harris? It was noted he was taken to the hospital right after that battle against the dragon."
"Being slammed between two cars bruised his insides. That's beyond
the stitches he had from fighting with her and her guardian team when
she got turned over. That's where most of Hannibal's stitches came
"So she was powerful?"
"She made deals to be powerful. Some witches are born
powerful. Some witches have minor powers. Some want more
than they have and they do things to get it. She fell into that
last class of witches."
"Which sort are you?"
Dawn smiled. "I was born pretty powerful. I don't use it
most of the time but I have more than I really want or need for
emergencies. And sometimes fetching a bottle of water during
intense study sessions."
The reporter tried not to smile at that. "So this new hellmouth spell?"
"We've talked to a few beings from other realms. A few who were
the Xander in their realms but they had magic and ours doesn't. We
asked some higher sources, some lower sources, and some humans who were
research gods in magical fields in their worlds. These are the
only ideas we have. There's a chance we can counter-pulse it in
about a year to reduce it further but we'd have to check to make sure it
wouldn't hurt anyone then."
"That's good to know. Will it draw more demons here?"
"No, the protections on Hawaii are still standing and that would be
within them but on the edge. And no demons can really get to it
easily either. It shouldn't do more than slowly ease the
"What about moving one?"
"I'm not sure if you can really shift a rip in the space/time
continuum," Dawn admitted. "Hellmouths are rips between
realms. I don't think we can shift reality over to put it there
"I suppose that's a good point," the reporter agreed. "Or else Cleveland probably already would have had it done."
She nodded. "Cleveland's still not as bad as Sunnydale was, even
being about ten times larger. A quarter of Sunnydale's population
were demons and vampires. Most of the demons weren't harmful but
there was still a good thousand or so vampires when Sunnydale got
closed. They all fled to LA, where most of them got taken out by
Angel's group. Cleveland barely has two hundred vampires, most of
them aren't feeding, and Cleveland will never get up to the twenty-three
percent death rate that Sunnydale had the year my family moved there."
"We all hope not. I know some people have moved."
Dawn smiled. "The hellmouth in Cleveland was already there.
It just became the most active one when Sunnydale shut down. That
was a combination of less outlets for the pressure, because all the
hellmouths that we knew about had a slight increase of activity, and
everything that was hiding on the hellmouth in Sunnydale going to there
"So it was already slightly open but now it's just more
noticeable?" Dawn nodded. "Interesting. How long
before we can do the spell?"
"A week to gather things. So if people don't like this idea we
need to know by then. The governor complained so we even brought
in a physicist that was related to a Xander in another realm to make
sure that there was nothing more sciency he could figure out. And
"What about the dragons? Is there a good way to defeat them yet?"
"Not yet. Though, a tip? Consider dragons like bears,
tigers, or other man-eating predators. If you turn and run from
them, they're going to chase you and pounce you. If you treat them
like you would running into a bear in the woods, then it's a lot more
likely that you'll end up not pounced and/or eaten. Oh, and fire
can *sometimes* make them leave you alone. So maybe some fires on
the beaches when surf's good and everyone's there."
"We've noticed that some of them seem to prefer young women?"
Dawn shrugged. "We've heard rumors that some were going after
women. It could be that they looked like easier prey. It
could be that the dragons decided they were damsels to keep in their
nests. I haven't seen the last but I can't read dragon
minds. I need a spell for that and the magical, book nerd Xander
we asked didn't bring me one."
"Magical, book nerd Xander?"
Dawn smiled. "In his world he's what we'd consider to be a curse
breaker to use a fandom term." The reporter moaned. Dawn
grinned. "He has a huge library he's translated from his
finds. He did bring us a manual on how to handle various animals
and plants safely and what to do with them if we must."
"Interesting. What if someone adds to the spell? We know there's chaos sorts. Would they consider doing that?"
"There's some demented people in all the various fields of magic," Dawn
quipped. "If they should try to add to this, my sister has
promised she's going to go kill her first human. And Xander will
help no matter how sore he is right now."
"We heard that he had dated a chaos mage?"
"Loki died a while ago," she said more calmly and quietly. "I met
Loki once. She was a neat lady. Very classy. Not
demented. Wanted to protect and love Xander. Wanted
daughters from him. She didn't want to travel with him so that's
what kept them at the level of casually dating. She would've
helped us take out anyone who tried to hype the spell. She'd have
made more of a mess than the demons did of this witch's body."
"Where was she from?"
"Here. Then she had to travel a bit for business and the
protections on the islands wouldn't let her come home. They're
fairly strict against chaos magic."
"Did you talk to any demons about any solutions their kind might have?"
"I talked to a Council member that had been turned into a demon by the
Willow in his world. He's a Sividia, which is a general in Hell's
armies. In his world he holds Sunnydale as a protected area for
harmless demons." The reporter nodded once, smiling at that.
"He had his people research and he's the one that found the book for
us. We asked a higher source, somehow someone diverted a warrior
angel from another realm and he asked his. They're all horrified
and hoping it doesn't spread. They didn't have any other ideas
"So you pretty well asked everyone you could?"
"Everyone but the high priest of Janus and I wasn't about to ask him to
see if he could help. He'd end up tormenting Giles again in
payment since they're old friends. They were thugs in their teen
"I'd never expect that from Mr. Giles," the reporter said.
Dawn grinned. "Buffy saw him turn into that age once thanks to
that same chaos sorcerer. He had some mentally deaging candy
bars. He was one of those punks with a pack of smokes in his
sleeve, cursing a bit, used magic back then. That was his
rebellious years though."
"Interesting." She smiled at the camera then at Dawn. "We'll
talk about this later so that the people can have an input and vent a
"If they don't want us to do it, we need to know in a few days and then
their only option is to live with it," Dawn reminded her.
"I understand. Thank you, Miss Summers."
"Welcome." She shook her hand.
"Cut," the producer said.
Dawn slumped. "I hope I didn't sound too dumb. I don't even usually give oral reports in class."
"You did fine," the reporter said. "Why doesn't he hire someone?"
"No one wants to do it. We've had three hundred job openings in
the papers for years. No one wants to deal with the idea of
"One of the realms was one where the show with the hunters was
real. We had Castiel show up being very confused when his kin
shoved him over to see what was going on." Dawn grinned. "He
and the demonic Xander didn't even fuss at each other."
"Willow. Totally a crackhead moment on that world. Turned him into a Sividia. He has really soft, pretty wings."
"That's good to know."
"But the protected area is a good thing for them."
"I suppose it would be." She shook her head quickly. "A curse breaker?"
Dawn grinned. "Yeah. Our Xander had met him and the others
during a gathering of Xander's that another one in another realm
"So we're talking alternate realities," the reporter said.
Dawn nodded. "In this case we are." She grinned. "He
said he saw one where Willow had made him a baby again so he had to
regrow up and I had wished him better parents."
"That has to be insane."
"Yeah but Xander's very unique and we all just let him do his thing when
he gets this mentally warping. Only he can get into things like
The reporter laughed. "That figures with how he got the babies."
"Willow," she said dryly.
"In a permanent medical coma in case we need her for an apocalypse," Dawn quipped. "By order of the president."
"Is she being recalled for this?"
"No, we'll lean on the other Xanders first. Thanks. Especially since she's the one that killed Loki and nearly me."
"That makes good sense then. I hope you can do that."
Dawn winked. "With the ones we have, it should be okay.
Draining but okay." She got up and went back to Xander's house.
The producer walked over. "The first time I saw her sister, I was
scared spitless that the world was being protected by a valley
girl." The reporter laughed. "I still am sometimes."
"At least this one's cheerful about things."
"She is." They went to run the film on a special news
segment. It might save the governor from lynching. A lot of
people were very mad at him for trying to put down the people that were
protecting them all. If he was panicking too it looked better on
him. Especially with a unicorn on the lawn of the governor's
Steve handed someone he knew the books the curse breaker Xander had left
them. "The original owner wants them back in a few weeks."
He looked them over. "We can scan them in and print them by
then." He took them to do that. "Where did these come from?"
"A curse breaker."
The publisher shook his head. "Figures. Had to happen."
Steve smiled. "It's Harris in their world."
"Wonderful. Do they have dragons?"
"Yes. His family also houses a unicorn herd."
"Charming!" He went back to scanning things in. "It's coming
out all right. We can adjust font and things to make it prettier
easily enough." His staff came in to get more of the pages
done. He looked at Steve. "We'll have it readily available
"Thank you. Give them back when you're done. He'll be back
in a week to do the spell." He left, going to sit on the
beach. They already had a fire going. The one dragon that
was watching them from a pile of rocks wasn't bothering them.
Someone was brave enough to try to surf with it watching. The
dragon apparently found it fascinating. He sat with his friends,
relaxing. "We have books on various creatures, plants, and how to
deal with them." His friends smiled at that news.
Hannibal walked up to Steve. "Dawn said someone was stopped in New
York trying to hype the spell. Ethan himself flew over to beat
the crap out of his junior priest to Janus. Then he huffed off
"Good!" Steve said. "How many more might try?"
"She talked to Ethan, who said he only knows a few who are that demented
unless someone with new powers tries it to gain fame and fortune.
Which means maybe twenty total. The president said he wanted a
list and was going to send the FBI to warn them."
Steve grinned. "Even better. As long as I don't have to
learn to use a wand too. I will, because I'm always up for new
weapons, but I don't want to have to."
"An auror you're not," Hannibal said dryly. "You can't change your
hair that way." He strolled off. "Dawn's at home and making
dinner. Xander's still too sore to cook so the boys are eating
fruit again tonight."
"I'll let someone know," he said dryly. He texted that to Danno,
who sent it to the bar where Xander hung out. "Why?" he complained
when he got that note back. Danno said that way Xander could get
relaxed, happy, and be babied since he wouldn't let anyone else do
it. It'd be like pre-apocalypse sex for the guy. Steve put
his phone up, shaking his head. Kono sat down beside him.
"It's nice it's not eating us." She got up to get her board and
head out for some dusk surfing. The dragon shifted and laid down
better. "I'm not food and I'd kill you first," she warned
it. It just watched her.
"At least you could be a princess in distress," Steve called after
her. She glared. He smirked. "Better you than Danno or
"Not really. Xander could be a better princess than I'd ever be." She swum out on her board.
The other surfers were giggling. "Xander could be a pretty
princess," another one agreed. "We need to get him more native."
Steve looked at him. "He said he wouldn't wear a sarong.
He'd go naked but not wear a sarong. Apparently there was an
incident in Africa and he refuses to speak on it."
That got some more laughs. They enjoyed Xander whenever someone brought him around. The boys were adorable too.
Xander lifted his head when Jensen started to chant 'poop' over and
over. "If I could move, I'd fix that. Give me a few minutes
to try to get up, Roque." He slowly flipped onto his side, wincing
the whole way. He managed to sit up but that made his stomach
ache so he stood up and grabbed onto the couch for balance. "I
remember having good balance." He picked him up and looked at
him. "I know you can't help it. Any more than Jensen could
the time he crapped in the hallway."
He carried him off to change him. He got the others at the same
time, even if they didn't need it. Then he flopped down
again. The boys had been given all sorts of chopped up fruit to
nibble on. Xander wasn't eating because there was no way he could
crap things out again. Or stand up long enough to pee. Doing that
took abdominal muscles, which hurt a lot. Maybe in a few
days. Hell, Xander barely made it into boxer briefs this
morning. Even the loose elastic in the waistband was too much to
bear most of the time. "Maybe I'll be naked boy tomorrow," he told
the boys, who all grinned at him. "It hurts."
Jensen patted him. "Hey."
"I like you too." Xander petted over his hair. "I'll do
baths tomorrow. Hopefully I can move easier then." Jensen
babbled and patted him then went to get more fruit. "We'll
see." He got comfortable and it was easier. At least until
Pooch let out a huge diaper full. "Eww," Xander complained.
He got up and took him to change. "Getting up for you guys is
better than sit ups." Pooch cackled and grinned. "Yuck,
Pooch. Your butt turned into Roque's. Even Gracie would say
that was a lot of poop." That got another cackle and one from
Jensen, who had crawled after them since he was pooping currently.
Xander put Pooch down and picked up Jensen. "Done?" He
shook his head so Xander leaned on the changing table until he was then
he changed him. Then they went back to their spots because Xander
ached a whole lot and not even morphine helped this time.
Danny showed up the next morning on his day off. The boys were
still in bed. Xander was still on the couch. Danny watched
him breathe for a minute to make sure he was. Then he went to
check on the boys. He started a bath.
"I can do that," Xander called then moaned as he got up, holding his stomach. "Ow."
"You, rest," Danny said.
"Have to pee anyway," Xander complained.
"Go take your shower and then start something for breakfast," Danny
ordered with a point. "I can do baths." Xander gave him a
quick hug on his way to the bathroom. He grabbed the first
two. Frank and Cougar were always up whenever anyone got near
their rooms. They got their baths and rediapered then dressed
while Danny ran a new half-tub of water. Then Roque and
Pooch. They had been woken when he got the first two. Then
Jensen got his after they were dressed and new water was run.
Sometimes Jensen could sleep through anything. He slept all the
way up to getting into the tub. Jensen gave him a sleepy smile and
promptly released both sets of bowels into the water. "Eww,
Jensen." He got him out and let him sit on the potty for a few
minutes while he drained the water and cleaned out the poop so he could
do a new one.
"Whoever does the most pooping today is getting fed a lot of cheese," Xander said as he came out of his bedroom.
"Did you shower?" Danny called without looking.
"Can't until the stitches are gone. I took a washcloth bath and dry shampooed my hair."
"Okay." He finally got Jensen back into the bath and cleaned
him. No matter how wiggly he was. Or how many times he
flipped over to show off his butt. "I've already cleaned
that." When Jensen became the Fountain of Wee again he pulled him
back out and rinsed out the tub so he could get the baby dressed.
He paused and looked at Xander. "Why do you look like you're
wearing an Egyptian sarong from the old pictures?"
"I picked it up in Egypt," Xander admitted. "It's comfy.
It's not hurting my stomach. Usually I'd ignore that I have
it but it's the most comfortable I can get today while not being naked."
Danny checked. Still very bruised. "Ow, man." He put Jensen down.
Roque was staring at Xander. Then he smirked. "Mamamama!"
"Steve wears a Hawaiian version," Danny quipped. "It's our day
off. Wanna hit the beach? Steve is. Kono and Chin
"I'm not sure I want to go out looking like this."
"No one's going to say more than 'ow' at you," he said dryly. "And
no one's going to doubt you're injured. Plus it'll let the boys
suck up to the pretty surfers."
"We'd have to carry a lot of stuff," Xander pointed out.
"Yeah, we can do that." He got stuff together while Xander
finished breakfast. Everyone ate and Xander ended up curling up in
the back with the tent and picnic basket. Danny drove them all to
the beach and called the others to tell them they were there.
Including Grace. Rachel had quit blocking his visitation when
Xander had shown up. It was almost a miracle. Xander and he
got the picnic basket down and the umbrella set up then went back for
the carseats filled with kids.
They locked the trunk once they had the diaper bag down too.
Xander had his own little area. The kids were on the blanket under
the umbrella. Xander was in the sun next to the blanket on a
second blanket. Xander got everyone into their neoprene baby swim
suits so their diapers wouldn't get as soaked. Then the three that
wanted to play in the water went with Danny while the other two slept
One of the surfers smiled. "I didn't know you two were dating," he said to Danny.
"He's my cousin. He's too injured to play so I'm getting some
playtime in." He grinned at the boys. "Jensen, you can't
swim yet. No going farther than the edge of the surf," he
"Fuck," Pooch complained, pouting at the water that had just washed something sharp and pointy against his bare foot.
Danny looked down. "I didn't know you were a member of the South
Park community," he said dryly. Pooch shook his head. Danny
tossed the rock off to the side. He grabbed Jensen and put him
back with them. That got them all happy until Danny got tired of
bending down. So they went back to the blanket. Jensen
crawled the whole way beaming and babbling at all the pretty
girls. He even tried to join a group of them.
"Jensen, the girls don't have your snacks," Xander called.
"C'mere." He babbled at the girls. "Now, Jensen. Don't
make me get up." Jensen pouted but crawled back over to pounce
him. Xander smiled and played tickle fight with him. Jensen
squealed and got away, crawling back to the girls. Thankfully
Steve walked down and saved them. "Thank you, Uncle Steve."
"Welcome." He looked at Jensen. "You have to be bigger to
ask them to teach you to surf." He put him back on the
blanket. "Sunscreen? Danny rants about it often."
"Did." He looked around. "Roque?" he called.
"He's being cute," one of the girls called.
Xander got up with a moan, holding his stomach. "Ow." He
walked over, staring at his son. "You're too young to flirt if
Frank is." He got handed the baby. "Thanks, ladies.
Sorry. They have good taste though." He smiled and went back
to his resting spot.
"Why are you in an Egyptian sarong instead of a Hawaiian one?" Steve asked.
"This one rests below my bruised insides. The whole low-rider, hip
hugging style works today. Even boxer briefs were too tight."
"That's fine. Feel any better?" Xander shook his head. "Give it a week."
"Or two," he admitted. "I made it through malaria and dengue. I can make it through this sometime soon."
Steve smiled and nodded. "Probably. Let me go try to catch
some waves. You're good?" Xander pointed at where Danny was
flirting. "Fine." He took off his shirt and left it there
then went down to get into the water.
Xander looked at the boys. "Park rules apply, guys. And I
heard that, Pooch." Pooch shrugged and pointed at his foot.
"I know. Still. Act like little kids sometimes?" They
babbled at him and played in the sand.
Chin walked down and stared. "I would've thought this was a tourist's camp," he teased with a smile.
"They don't need that much sun yet. They'll burn if they're out
for more than an hour or so. Even with sunscreen. And I
might need a nap later. It's been over a year since the last time I
was out all day in the hot sun."
"That makes sense." He put his lunch bag down and stripped off to play in the water with Steve and dragged Danny with him.
When Kono got there, she set up near there and went out to surf.
She realized Frank was following her when she heard him splash.
She sighed and took him onto her board to paddle out for a small
wave. Frank looked awed and squealed the whole way in. She
handed him back to Xander with a grin. "Some day I'll teach him
"Go for it," Xander agreed, wiping Frank down. "Now, stay up here
until she gets back even if she is your ideal girl." Kono blushed
but walked off to go surf again.
Grace finally got there and ran down to plop in the sand and play with
the boys. "Hi," she called with a wave at her cousin.
"Xander, do you need bandaids?"
"No, I'm good. They need aired out," he assured her. The
nearby surfers stared at him. He shrugged. "It happens," he
told them. They nodded and let them play together. "Grace,
they need some non-sun time." She helped him get them under the
umbrella on the blanket with a snack. She got taken into the water
with Danny. She was cackling. Jensen grunted and
pointed. Xander smiled at him. "You don't surf on beaches in
New Jersey, Jensen. You lounge, you party, you occasionally bask
but you don't surf out there."
"Thankfully he was never like Snooki and she won't be either," Rachel
said, sitting under the umbrella with the boys. "I'd hate to beat
Grace for it."
"If she turns into a hard core party girl, I'll talk to her," Xander
promised with a grin for his former cousin-in-law. "Can you catch
Roque for me?"
She got up and went to get him. "C'mon, back to daddy, William." She carried him back.
"He can't do it?" someone up the beach complained. Xander stood up
and he saw all the stitches and bruises, wincing. "Bad wipe out?"
"Bad demons," Xander said dryly. "But thanks for worrying about my
sons." The guy shuddered and shifted up the beach. Xander
took the extra wiggly Cougar and Jensen to the water. "I'll get
you guys in a few." Rachel got the others so they could splash
some more. Xander ended up squatting down to help them and make
sure they were okay. He couldn't bend down so he had to
squat. Steve walked past with his board, taking Cougar to play
with. "I can."
"Go sit down, Xander. You're injured. I'd still be in bed with that much bruising."
"I'll be okay." He picked Jensen up, taking him to the deeper
water. Danny got one of the boys from Rachel - mothers could
handle two kids when dads could only handle one, it was a well known law
of physics - where they could splash better. The boys enjoyed it
and were all happily babbling.
When they came out, someone had to crack on his outfit. "Brah, are you Egyptian?" someone drunk up the beach called.
Xander looked at him. "They offered but it was only because I had
taken out a terrorist cell by sleeping with the leader and making them
my minions. The sarong's a gift thanks to her." He strolled
off. He was the bigger badass on this beach, maybe next to Steve
but they could jockey for number one.
"For some reason it doesn't surprise me there's a bad girl involved," Kono quipped with a grin for them.
"Twins," Steve called. "One flew home from an assassination
attempt in Geneva to make her sister sane and ended up with Xander too."
Xander grinned. "Jealous?"
"No! I like mine sane, Xander."
Xander shrugged. "They were really good and pretty." He sat
down with a wince. "Let me get the plastic sheet out so I can
change that, Pooch." Kono gave him a look. "See, plastic
sheet, downwind from everyone," he told her, changing it. She
grimaced. "Sorry but they have to be cleaned up or it causes
problems. They might even be warped enough to like shit as sexual
things later on if I leave them in it too long," he quipped. He
finished the changing jobs and packed the dirty things into a plastic
garbage bag he had brought. The sheet got put back into the diaper
bag. Pooch got redressed and released.
"Most of us would've used the car, Xander."
"I can do that and not get anything on the sand or the blanket because I
am a good father and excellent at diapers," he quipped. He
pointed at her helper. "Some day he's going to do more than flirt
She looked at Frank, smiling some. "When you're old enough we'll
talk about it." He beamed and helped her wax her board.
Steve grinned. "I can see you two together." He went to get
into the game of football catch they were playing up the beach.
Grace came running over. "Let's teach you to catch."
"Okay," she agreed happily. "Can you teach me to surf?"
"When you're old enough."
"Cool!" She ran over to catch the low throw and cheered, dancing
around with it. Steve taught her to throw it back. The guys
were all happy with her throw. It went pretty far and high. A
dragon came along and caught the ball mid-toss. "You give that
back!" she yelled, stomping a foot. "We're playing!" The
dragon dropped the ball with a squeak and flew off. "Thank
you! Ask next time!"
"Hey, Moreta," Xander called. "If you can talk to the dragons we need to know."
Rachel burst out laughing. "I read her that book."
"Pern is a classic," Xander said with a grin. His phone rang and
he tried to reach it but Rachel tossed it over. "Thanks." He
answered it. "What's up, Hannibal?" He listened to the 'how
did you know it was me' question. "Caller ID, dude. Are you
stoned on your painkillers?" He smiled. "On the beach with
the kids and most of the family. You can come nap in the sun with
us. Have Dawn pick me up my other sarong too since I'm damp?
Thanks, man." He hung up.
Rachel looked over. "You have two?"
"I was given three but I can't find one. I think the Egyptian slayer took it."
"At least it's not as complicated as a sari. I had to help our
Indian slayer get dressed before her wedding. Then we left for the
"They didn't wait to marry over here?" Rachel asked.
"No. She left him there. She didn't want him but her family
insisted. He was more wealthy, her family was poor, and he was
twenty years older plus had AIDS. So she told him she was leaving
and we left right after the wedding. Her parents are still pissed
at her. She told them why. In front of his family too.
She told them bluntly she wasn't going to be the only HIV positive
slayer. He died of his own hand later that night. Both
families tried to sue each other for the money they had spent on the
wedding, and the slayer is still over here at college. They're
ignoring her totally since her mother tried to talk her into coming back
to marry the guy's cousin to make everything all right. She sent
her mother film of her from the last apocalypse battle."
"I'd never do that to my daughter but to each culture their own ways,"
she said. "What is that?" she asked with a point. "Steve,"
she called, pointing at the boat that was way too close to the surfers.
"That's a party boat full of rich girls," Xander said
sarcastically. He scanned around. "I wonder if I can get the
mermaid that just popped up to go bother them." He handed over
the kids and walked out into the water, diving down to get near to where
he had seen that one's head pop up. He caught it and pointed,
mouthing the necessary information. The mermen liked the
surfers. They'd protect them. Xander came back up and swam
back, getting out rubbing his sore shoulder. "Ow," he
muttered. He flopped back down in the sun.
People were watching the boat. Suddenly two black, slimy creatures
climbed up and burbled at the drunken heiress society, making them
scream. Especially when one tried to help one of them put on her
sunscreen. The girls dove off in their totally unfunctional
bikinis, that mostly came off in the water on the short swim in.
The mermen took their drinks to quaff and disappeared again.
Steve looked at Xander. "Now someone has to go move the boat," he
complained. The surfers were laughing at the drunken slut
committee that was now mostly naked. Thankfully there was only a
weather reporter out to catch pictures of the surf for his later
forecast. He got them help and covered it all.
"That was gross!" one complained loudly, slurring slightly. "How dare it want to touch me! Eww!"
"Be thankful, they're carnivorous," Dawn said as she got out of the
car. "They tried to eat an officer a few months back." The
girls shuddered and hiked off to their cab back to their hotel.
Steve had went out to moor the boat out of the way. He swam back
shaking his head. Dawn handed Xander his new clothes. "Bit
damp?" she teased.
"I asked the mermen to make sure they wouldn't run over a surfer in
their drunken boat driving time." He checked. "This is the
longer one so start it in the front," he muttered, getting up with a
wince to go behind some rocks to change. He came back and saw
Hannibal sprawled out under the tent. Jensen was sitting on his
chest babbling at him. Pooch was tangling his hair up with a look
of unholy glee. Probably in retaliation for knotting Pooch's hair
into baby dreads.
Dawn was down in the water already in a functional sport bikini that made her look hot. "Kono, can you teach me to surf?"
"I'll teach you," one of the guys said with a grin.
"Yeah but if she grabs me I know it's not a come-on attempt so I won't
get mixed signals." She pinched him on the cheek with a
grin. "With you I'd have to wonder." He laughed, letting her
go with Kono. She caught Frank trying to help and handed him to
Chin since he was coming out of the water.
Chin looked at Frank. "You have to be able to swim to surf,
Frank." He carried him back and handed him off. Steve took
Frank and Roque to play in the water with him, Danny, and Grace.
"I was going to," Xander offered to Steve's back. His other sarong
was drying in the sun. "What're the slayers doing today?" he
"Getting cuddle mobbed by some dolphins at the hotel," he slurred.
"I hope it's the female ones. Male ones can want to take mates,"
Chin said. He sat down in the sun beside Xander. The boys
were looking ready to nap. Jensen was nearly asleep on Hannibal's
chest. Pooch too. Cougar got put into his baby seat to
nap. Then they carefully moved Pooch. Jensen would wake up
if you moved him so Hannibal was now a pillow.
A woman walking on the beach sneered at them. "Shouldn't you be off doing something about the dragons?"
"Even I need some time off for healing," he said, staring at her over
his sunglasses. "What makes you think I'm the only one who can
save anyone?" She huffed off. He waved at her
back. "Have fun saving yourself but I doubt they think you're a
*maiden*." Chin had to stifle his laugh, shaking his head.
"Is she one of those party sluts you see on MTV?" Gracie asked her father, who spluttered.
"Who in the hell lets you watch that stuff?" Danny demanded, glaring at Rachel.
"I have my own tv, Danno, and we all talk about it during lunch."
He stared her down. "No more of that shit. You don't need
the bad influences. You go to school with plenty." She
slumped and walked off pouting.
"We put a rating block on it," Rachel defended.
"It's only a four digit code," Gracie snorted. "I figured it out on the computer by trying various ones until it worked."
"Watching stuff like that means some day you can be on the cover of Teen Mom magazine," Xander told her.
"I won't ever make their mistakes."
He snorted. "Last cookout you were accidentally given beer,
Gracie. What makes you think you'd realize it since you didn't
She slumped. "Fine. Then I'll have nothing to talk about."
"If they start on you, tell them your uncle said you have to learn how
to deal with demons instead as a punishment." She nodded, pulling
out her phone to text a friend.
Rachel plucked the phone from her. "I think that's a grounding offense. You did break the rules, Grace."
"Fine." She sulked off, going to talk to her Uncle Steve.
Rachel looked at Xander. "No teaching her to hunt."
"I'm not but I'm giving her the beast guide so she can pass it to her friends."
"That's not a bad idea. She does have a good hand with animals. She might want to be an animal doctor."
"Maybe," he agreed. "Jensen might but he'd never take in cat patients."
She smiled. "I saw that." She checked on the boys.
Pooch was trying to sleep with his butt up. She nodded. He
pulled out the diaper changing plastic sheet and the stuff he needed,
pulling Pooch over to change him.
Chin looked at him. "Most of us would've went to the car."
"I've seen plenty of native mothers changing their kids on the beach,"
Rachel told him. "Not like it's getting on the sand or
anything." Pooch was put back and everything was put where it
needed to go, including the diaper into the trash with the wrappers from
"Mine did," Steve agreed as he came back with Grace. He sat down
in the sun. Hannibal was snoring. Grace rolled her
eyes. "It's the medicine he's on for the injuries. It makes
you sleepy," Steve told her.
"Then why isn't Xander napping?"
Xander looked at her. "I have a higher pain tolerance so I didn't
take anything beyond advil this morning." She stared at him.
"Really," he assured her.
"Why not?" she demanded. "It'll make you stay ouchie for longer."
"No it won't. In a few days I'll be back to hunting down bad things."
"The PD is making a policy on that," Steve said. "Give it a
week." He looked him over. "You could probably use it
"Probably," Xander admitted.
"Someone complained that he wasn't out hunting," Rachel complained.
"Some people think that the caped superhero is a real guy," Xander said
dryly. "Then they bitch when we have to do something to save
them. That's one very good reason I never go talk to rescues after
"I can understand that," Rachel agreed. "They might get clingy."
"I get more that get pissed off that I had to save them. I have no
idea why but I do." He looked and counted kids. "Jensen!"
he snapped. "Blanket, now!" Jensen huffed but crawled back
and climbed back on top of Hannibal, staring at Xander. Xander
stared back. "You cannot go near the water by yourself until you
Jensen pouted and huffed, putting his head back down. Cougar was awake and patted him. Jensen grinned at him.
"We can go play in a few minutes," Rachel said, grabbing the sunscreen
to put on all the babies. That woke up a cranky Pooch, but he
relented and let himself be lotioned down for the fee of a bottle of
juice. The rest of the boys got a snack and then Rachel and Xander
took them down into the water. "You're going to get this one
wet," she said.
"I'll change back since that one's about dry," he quipped with a
grin. They were standing together. The boys were sitting in
the newly arrived surf playing with the sand and water.
"Hey!" Jensen said, finding a shell. He held it up with a grin.
"That's very pretty, Jake," Rachel said. She petted over his
hair. "Daddy needs to trim that." He grinned at her.
Then Jake went back to babbling at his new friend the shell.
A dragon flew close-by and Xander stared at it. "Steve, get into
the trunk and get me the black crossbow please? It's got explosive
tipped bolts and a higher string tension." Steve went jogging up
to the car to get them for him. Xander took aim and hit the
dragon, making it yelp and fly off. "Thank you for your
cooperation," he called after it. He put down the tension some and
handed it back. Roque was staring at him in awe. Xander
grinned. "Yeah, daddy likes weapons and he's good with them.
Some day I'll teach you how to make the demon blood coating for
Roque hugged him. "Mamamama."
Xander smirked. "Keep it up. Eat tofu for dinner."
Roque piped down. "Plenty of native men wear sarongs and we're all
tough hunters." He winked. "You will be some day and we'll
get you your first sarong after your first hunt." Cougar shook his
head. So did Frank. Xander grinned at them. They
groaned and went back to playing in the sand. Frank found another
shell and tossed it at Jensen, earning a happy grin and babble.
One of the guys out in the water looked around. "I saw a fin!" he
shouted. Xander let Rachel herd the boys back to the blanket while
he took the crossbow back. The surfer stared at him. "What
are you doing?"
"Preventing a bad remake of Jaws that will upset my kids for years?"
"We live and let live mostly."
"Then I'd duck, dude." The surfer swam his board away from the
thing coming up. "You're not a shark." The merman babbled
and waved the part he had eaten. "Thanks." He grinned and
waved back. "My sons would thank you too, Theo." The merman
babbled something else and left them alone. "No more shark.
He said he's tasty."
"How do you talk to them?" Grace asked.
"The mermaid taint. I picked up enough when I had more so I understand most of what they're saying."
"Oh." She nodded and looked at her father. "You can't do that."
"No, I can't be a Xander. Or a Steve because that's something only
one of them could do." Grace hugged him and they went to play now
that it was safer.
Xander looked at Steve and shrugged. "It wasn't my fault. I was just trying to figure out what was going on."
"I did that a few times, usually I got shot at though." He helped
Xander change a few diapers and then the boys got to play in the sand
Hannibal woke up and groaned, holding his side. "Ow."
"Sit in the sun," Xander said. "That way you can bleach some of
the scars, Hannibal." He helped him shift over. "I've got
"Fuck you, I ache," he muttered. Xander gave him a look. "Didn't Dawn bring my painkillers?"
"I have no clue. Dawn was off chatting with some guys."
Hannibal growled. He pointed. Hannibal got up and stomped
over there. They watched. Hannibal caught Dawn's eye and
picked her up, carrying her off to the cars. "Aww, he's possessive
of the Dawn." The boys all cackled at that. "That's so
"Are they dating?" one of the female surfers asked.
"They're casually screwing when he's not injured. He swears up and down that they're not dating."
"Aww," she said. "He finally made a move."
"Yes he did." Dawn squealed and then they heard the sound of a
slap. Then another squeal so apparently it hadn't hurt Hannibal
too much. Dawn wobbled back down to the blanket almost an hour
later and fell asleep beside the baby seats. Hannibal was
apparently sleeping in the car since he didn't show back up.
Steve was off talking to his friends and came back. "Xander, can we raid your freezer for a cookout?"
"I still have that half a pig."
"Thanks." He jogged off to his truck to go get it. By the
time he got back, they had made a nice cooking area and were gathering
supplies for dinner and a fun night. The fire would protect them
from any creatures if Xander couldn't.
The only thing that marred it was Xander having to go rescue Hannibal
from the cops. "Guys, he has a 'script for the morphine shots," he
told the staring officers. "He just passed out from the
pain." He plucked the needle and stuck it into the back of the
car's seat. He checked him and nodded. "Breathing." He
showed them the vial with the prescription tag on it. "He's just
barely out of the hospital. The same as I am."
"That's fine," the officer said. "We saw the needle and were hoping he's not an OD."
"No. He's just napping it off. Five-hundred-thirteen stitches, guys." The officers nodded.
"Why is he sleeping up here?" the second officer asked.
"He had pounced his not-a-girlfriend up here a while ago. I'm
guessing he took it after that." He grinned. "She's napping
under our umbrella."
The officers looked. "Clearly not native," one said.
"I have five sons. They don't need constant sun exposure. Neither do I right now."
"Not with that full chest of bruise, no sir." He closed up the
back. "You should probably leave him some water and roll down a
"I'll get him down to the beach again." They nodded and Xander
nudged Hannibal. "C'mon, you nearly got taken to the ER as an
OD." Hannibal didn't even groan. Xander hauled him out and
closed the car door then walked him down there.
Steve looked and flinched. "Xander, ask for help," he
ordered. He relieved him of Hannibal. "Out on his
"Yeah. Didn't even manage to get the needle out. The cops thought he might be an OD."
Steve nodded. "It's obviously strong stuff."
"They gave him pre-filled morphine shots," Dawn yawned, making room for
him. She curled up on his chest. "That'll be better soon,
Hanni, and today is your last day of morphine." She looked at
Xander. "What're you on?"
"Advil. I refused percocets." He looked at Steve.
"Just a head's up, I saw that biker group up there spinning
around." He went back to lock up the car.
"Good to know," Steve decided, going back to the cookout area.
Kono was talking to some of the guys with Frank cooing at her back and
playing with her hair. He picked up Frank to look at him.
"Try flirting from the front. You're too young to get her
interested in her backside." Kono glared at him and took the
baby. He grinned. "He's a good boy."
"He tries really hard," Xander called. "Unlike Jensen, who likes
to play pranks and just peed on Hannibal on purpose." Most of the
people on the beach laughed. "Kono, when you get tired of the
cooing and flirting, send him back."
"I can, Xander." Xander and Dawn cleaned up Hannibal and got
Jensen rediapered. He and Cougar took off for the water with Roque
just behind them. Xander followed.
Things were going okay until that biker gang decided to blow up Xander's
car and ran down to attack people. Then Xander still had his
crossbow and they made a mess when they exploded on contact with
"Thank you for not having any of the artillery in the car," Danny
called, moving to check on the downed people. He and the other
officers hadn't been able to do a single thing before Xander
reacted. Even Steven only had knives on him.
Xander shrugged. "The things you learn when militias are after
you." He got Rachel down to handle the boys in the water and went
to talk to the fire department. "Guys, my weapons stash was under
the floorboards of the trunk area," he announced. They
stared. A few winced. "No artillery but a few things will
burn extremely hot thanks to what they're tipped with." That got a
nod and the thugs got taken by ambulance. Dawn cleaned all the
blood out of the sand, sending it farther into the ocean. Xander
got looks of awe from his boys. He grinned. "What?" he
asked. "Did you expect me to go 'no, not my boys' and sob?"
Roque shuddered but hugged him and called him mom again. "Thanks,
The officers responding came down. "Sir, was that your car?"
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Xander Harris, retired Watchers Council."
"Why did you have weapons?"
"The President of the US said I'm to have whatever weapons I want and
think are reasonable." The officer looked so confused.
Xander grinned. "Let's just say that I've dated a few assassins
and things by accident, Officer."
"And there's a few ex's that would really love to take me and my boys as
a spouse against our will. Not to mention demon apocalypses."
"And why are you here instead of out dealing with the problems?"
Xander stepped out of the shade and he winced at the bruising that
covered all of Xander's stomach and chest. "Ow. So you're on
"Yes. Myself and Hannibal are both on injury leave." He
pointed at him. "There's nine slayers somewhere on Waikiki that're
handling it for us this week."
"That's good then. Why blow up your car?"
"No clue," Xander admitted. He looked at one of the last ones to leave the beach. "Why pick on my car?" he called.
"You're a white boy with no taste! You'd be an easy prey," he groaned.
Xander cackled. "Boy, I'm from Sunnydale. I hunted for eight damn
years on the hellmouth, then went to Africa, Asia, and South America to
train slayers. For that, I'm going to raid your shit and turn
everything over to the PD. Because I doubt you have anything
interesting I might want to keep. And then I'll tell some of the
dragons to come nest in your pathetic version of a clubhouse wherever it
might be." The guy started to cry. "Recognize me
"Yes. We're sorry! I'll tell our bosses!"
"Tell him that me and my cousin Danno will be there to see them
later." He smiled. The guy nodded and begged to go faster.
"I wanted a night off but I suppose we can," Steve offered with a grin from by the fire.
Xander smirked at him. "Who said I need help? Danno can walk
behind me going 'wow, I didn't know you could that, Xander'.
Again." The officer made notes and walked off shaking his
head. He told his boss, who told him who the guy really was and
that it was best to just let him handle it. If he couldn't, 5-0
could. They were the same sort of insane.
Danny looked up at him. "Since when do I follow being impressed?"
"Since that warehouse you thought was mine I was raiding?"
"Huh. Yeah, that was impressive." He shook his head and took
the boys to the water. "Change sarongs, Xander. That one's a
bit dirty now." Xander went behind the rocks to change and rinse
the soot out of the longer one.
Kono came over to look. "A woman could probably wear that as a wrap dress."
He grinned. "You probably could." She smiled and took Frank to help him play.
"I'm looking to see if I can age them up again," Dawn said. Kono
glared at her. She smiled. "That way you don't have to wait
"Let them be kids, Dawn."
"Sure." She checked Hannibal but he was snoring again. She
went to help Xander and the others with the boys. Pooch leered at
her. She stared down at him. "Don't even try it.
You're too young to flirt and I'm taken apparently." Rachel
snorted. "He swore up and down that we weren't dating!"
"I think he proved otherwise," Rachel said.
Dawn pouted at her. "How would I know? I've never seen
anyone getting a good woo on and Mom was divorced by the time I was old
enough to watch that stuff. At least I'm not taking tips from my
sister," she said at Xander's opening mouth.
Xander nodded. "That's true. You're not dating anything stakeable."
"Eww," Kono complained, muttering in Hawaiian.
Dawn snapped back something and grinned. Kono cackled, batting her on the arm. "I'm learning but yeah, basically."
Xander and Rachel shared a look, shaking their heads. Jensen
squealed when a big wave came in and nearly drowned him so Xander got
the boys out and into the shade again for a while. They could drip
dry on top of Hannibal while they had a snack.
Xander looked at the car dealership Steve had suggested the next
day. He had made it into a t-shirt with his sarong
today. "Some unkind idiots decided to blow up my last station
"Why did you need one of those? They're not really standard," the salesman said.
"The five sons I have."
"Plus the occasional sword." He grinned. "So.... A friend named Steve recommended me to come here."
"We can see what we have." He led him around. "How about a van?"
"Good storage but I'd have to add seats for the boys." That got a
nod. "Though it would probably solve the whole 'he's bopping me'
thing that they get at times." The salesman tried not to
smile. "How does it go on gas?"
"Not great. It's an older van. No rust or problems.
It's had a recent tune up." He pointed. "We have a recent
edition of the Expedition. It seats seven fairly
comfortably." Xander went to look at that. "It doesn't look
too plain even though it's navy blue."
Xander called his cousin. "Van, Expedition?" He
listened. "Probably about the same on gas?" The salesman
nodded. "About the same. I'd have to add some seats to the
van. Thanks." He hung up. "Let me talk to my trust
fund guy." He shook his hand. "I'll try to be back by
tomorrow." He went to his office to talk to him. His trust
fund guy was already scowling when he came in. "It's not my fault
the bikers blew up my car thinking I was a normal, scared tourist sort."
"Did you tell them you weren't?"
"When they were being taken to the ER." He smiled. "I also
promised to raid them and let dragons nest in their clubhouse."
His financial guy shook his head. "You're strange, Xander."
"It's being around girls all the time for years on end without any male
influences." He smiled. "So, the car dealership I was just
at had a van. Or had a newer Expedition."
He winced. "You've already taken out your check for the month. If you take out more you could get penalties."
"Gunn sent me stuff saying I had more than one."
"I wish I had that," he said dryly. Xander called Gunn and let
them talk while he sat down. He got the email and said a quiet
'thank you' then hung up. He looked them over. "Mr. Giles is
in charge of them?"
"The first I heard of it was someone knocking on my door to give me my
share of the farm's profits for the month and telling me I should've
already been up even though the boys were sleeping in."
"Let me call Mr. Giles."
"If he gives you shit, tell him I'll just raid some more weapons and sell them to the ATF." Xander grinned.
"Sure," he decided. He called, leaning back. "Mr. Giles,
Xander Harris's financial person. No, I'm over his trust,
sir. He's here in my office to get money released for a new
car. No, not broken down, blown up."
"Biker gang thought I was too normal and might be scared," Xander called.
"Yes, one of those." He looked at Xander. "He said you should ask one of your dates."
"Tell him I'm not sure why he's over my money anyway." He smiled.
"There appears to be a few accounts that were started on his behalf that
you're over, Mr. Giles. No, I handle the trust he has from where
you paid him back and the one set up by one of his ex's for his
sons. He hadn't heard a thing about those until recently and I'm
checking to see what's going on with them and if we can consolidate
them. No, I don't think he's gotten any checks from
them." Xander shook his head. "Where did you send
them? Why did you send them to LA? Oh, you thought the
person handling things was there. No, he's not. I'm here in
Honolulu. If we could that would be marvelous. No, I don't
think Xander's going to be evacuating the boys." His client was
looking a bit cautious. He gave him a pointed look.
Xander held out a hand and took the phone. "Prove you're Giles."
The man spluttered. "Now. Because otherwise you're probably
the shape shifter I heard rumors about and I'm going to ask the Sividia
version of me that's showing up in a week to come visit. Willow in
his world." He smiled. "That's nice." He pulled out
his phone to text someone. His ex in the ATF could be helpful
today. He got back a text needing account numbers. Xander
tossed it at his financial guy. "So, who are you then?"
He listened. "That's interesting. No, you can't. Well,
my boys can probably kick your asses," he said dryly. "If not, I
can. And if not, I'm telling Buffy you're not yourself." The
other being shuddered. His financial guy sent his ex that
email. They got back a confirmation text that it had nearly been
drained but it was now being held and the withdrawals were being
checked. "Don't worry, when we meet we'll have fun." He hung
up and tossed it back, accepting his tossed phone.
He called someone. "Buffy, me. Giles isn't Giles. He
claims he's not the shapeshifter that was bothering you guys but it's
not Giles. Because he didn't even know that I called him G-man for
years. Actually I promised the Sividia version of me would go
visit. Screwing with something that was left to me too.
Well, that means I've got to go turn in weapons to my ex so I can afford
a new car. It's locked up, dear. Thanks." He hung up
and grinned. "No way we can get it without that?"
"Maybe a few thousand. Not enough for a good new car."
"They were both used and under ten."
"Make five grand or wait until next month."
"You can't really get five boys in the same cab."
"Point." He checked. "I can get you three without any penalties."
"Okay. I can fix the rest. Thanks, man, and wait to hear
from me." He shook his hand and strolled off. He called
Stephen, Hai's former assistant. "It's me. Head's up.
Giles isn't Giles and the being that's trying to be Giles is screwing
things up for me. So if you hear, let me know? No, I'm going
to get a new car fund. Thanks."
He hung up. He considered it. That gang probably had about
nothing worthy. There were a few more worthy places to raid but
they were good quality people he didn't mind as much being out
here. There was Wo Fat's stuff but his shipment wasn't due in
until tomorrow night. Though there was one place.... Xander went
to the airport to book the short flight to the other island. He
could handle that and his ex would be very pleased. He might even
get a leg rub since he couldn't stand to have a backrub right now.
Steve looked at the notes that Xander had handed him as he walked past him. "You did what?" he demanded.
Xander grinned. "Giles isn't Giles. He tried to screw with a
trust I didn't know I had, and I needed a car fund." He
shrugged. "My ex in the ATF is *very* happy. They hadn't
even known he had left France for Lihue."
"That's probably a bad sign," Steve decided. "Does this mean you can buy a car?"
"Yes. Doing it tomorrow."
"Good." He looked over the notes again. He winced. "Wo
Fat has a shipment coming in tomorrow night." The others went to
look that up. Xander was just being Xander, even if he was
Xander took off his t-shirt when he walked into the pharmacy, weathering
the dirty looks. "Ice isn't helping. Is there anything
topical I can put on this to make the bruises fade faster? Even
the herbal bruise potion I usually use isn't helping. They kinda
hurt a bit."
The pharmacist looked. "What did that?"
"I got slammed between two cars by a dragon."
"I saw that on the news." He took him to look at the various
muscle rubs. "What herbal one do you use? Chinese?"
"Wicca. British druid in origin."
"We don't see many of those. This is a popular rub from the
Chinese herbalists." He let him look over the ingredients.
"I would make sure that you put it on with gloves or wash your hands
very well so it doesn't transfer onto any food products."
Xander nodded, getting that and some muscle rub. "I've got a busy
week coming up." He got some more of the major three
over-the-counter painkillers and a soda, checking out. He
put back on his shirt and went to the daycare. "How's my boys?" he
asked the head of the daycare.
"They've been very good today, Xander."
"Why aren't you out fixing things?" one of the workers demanded. "Like the demon in here."
Xander looked then at her. "Because that's a baby, it's harmless,
from a harmless species, and I know her family. They came here
because my boys like it here."
"We don't allow their sort. We're a religious institution."
"No you're not."
"All daycares are religious run," she sneered. "Now remove it!"
Xander looked at the head of the daycare. "You're religious affiliated?"
"No, we're not. We're a private business and she's new, Xander."
"Ah." He looked at her again. "Since when are you the head of the daycare?"
"You'll remove that demon or your boys will never come back here."
"I don't think you make that decision. She does." He pointed
at the head of the daycare. "And frankly, I'd rather have
harmless demons than whores like you around my boys. Now, is there
anything else you want to try to bitch about that's none of your
business?" She shrieked and attacked him with her nails. He
punched her and she fell down crying. "Before she can try, let me
press charges," Xander quipped, calling someone.
"It's Alexander Harris. I'm at my sons' daycare and one of the
workers just tried to attack me for not taking out the harmless demon
child that goes here. Threw a total fit. No, she came at me
with her claws, ma'am, and I punched her. Please. I'm
pressing charges before she can try me first." He gave the
address. He hung up and looked at the head of the daycare.
"Let me guess, she's a charity case or welfare made her come work here?"
"She's from a new agency. I needed a temporary person for a week."
"We can stay home until Saturday," Xander offered. "It'll be
easier until I can get a new car." She smiled and patted him on
the hand. "I raided a lot of weapons for the ATF so they're
funding my new car." He grinned at the officers that came
in. "Her. She threw an absolute fit that there's a harmless
demon child here. Wanted me to take her out."
The officer looked at the crying woman then at him. "You hit her?"
"She was trying to attack him, Officer," the head of the daycare
said. "We have security cameras that tape." She looked at
the worried looking half-demon. "Xander, can you?"
"Sure." He sat down with her, handing her a toy horse with a
smile. "I would never harm a baby anything," he said
quietly. "You never have to worry about me or the slayers."
She grinned and he helped her play horses. The officer came out of
the office so he looked up with a grin. "I have no idea what her
"Me either, sir. She can still counter-charge you."
"My former cousin-in-law can come pick up the boys. Though I will warn
you that I'll need to see the block doc for existing injuries." He
took off his shirt. The officer winced. "So, no, I wasn't
going to let her get close enough to actually touch me."
"I can see why. Let me call in. Is she peaceful?"
"Peaceful and a toddler." He smiled at the baby then at him.
"She came here because I liked it so much for my boys. Her
parents are friends of a contact of mine."
"Wonderful." He went to call that in. She was arrested,
Xander was warned and warned that she might still try to have him
arrested. Xander waved it off. The officer hauled her off.
Xander smiled at the daycare worker. "Want me to come in tomorrow to help?"
"Can you? I'm sure you're sore. You'd have to wear pants."
"I can try to wear really loose sweat pants." She smiled and
nodded. "Let me tell her father." She handed him the contact
card. He called him. "It's Xander Harris. Some loony
temp worker at the daycare demanded that I take out your daughter so I
nearly got arrested for punching the looney bitch. She's
fine. We're playing ponies. Thanks." He hung up.
"He'll leave work a bit early to come pick her up." She smiled
and nodded. "Where's my boys?" he called.
"Hey!" Jensen called from inside a closet.
The daycare worker huffed. "I told you to quit playing in there, Jensen." She gave Xander a sheepish look.
"He's always in my closet in my t-shirts. Cougar's usually climbed
up something." She pointed. He was napping on the top shelf
of a bookcase. Frank and Roque were facing opposite directions
while playing and ignoring each other. Pooch was trying to rip
apart a fuzzy puzzle. "I'll be so glad when I get my new
car." Once the demon's father got there he called a cab,
specifying that they'd need one of the minivan ones because he had five
kids with him. He and the daycare worker got the boys in their
carseats and buckled in. Then he went home to feed his horde.
Buffy looked up as someone walked up to her and the slayers. "He's right, that's not Giles."
Faith and the others looked and scowled. "We can tell you're a demon," Faith said. She sipped her fruit smoothie.
"No I'm not," he said smoothly.
Buffy snorted. "We're slayers. We can tell demons."
She stood up. "I don't know who you think you are, but I want my
watcher back now. Before I have to get mean."
Hannibal walked up behind Giles, sneering. He threw something that
Xander had made for him on the demon. It shrieked and went up in a
gout of flame. "I hate higher demons. Worse than
suckheads." He sat down and took Faith's drink.
"Thanks. Too sore to eat."
She stole it back. "Have D make you one."
"She's in class." He looked at Buffy. "No one knows what happened."
"If I had Ethan's number, I'd see if it was him," she huffed, sitting back down.
"Dawn does and he said he doesn't know either."
She rolled her eyes. "Why?"
"They're making sure no one else wants to help this spell."
She snorted. "We're not that lucky." She looked at the puddle of goo then at him. "What was that?"
"Something Xander had a Chinese herbalist make for me. Apparently
this demon had control of a few of Xander's accounts and emptied
them. They're trying to track it now."
Faith looked around, wincing when she saw a few people. "Some of his ex's are here," she hissed.
Hannibal looked that way, smiling and waving. "He tried to
bankrupt Xander and the boys." They growled. "Right after a
biker gang blew up his car at the beach so he needed a new one. He
went to raid for the ATF to afford the new van."
"There is no way that will be allowed to go on," one said firmly, still
sneering. "Xander has a brighter future than that mess."
"He's got five boys," one of the slayers said. "He's retired."
"Except for the occasional dragon," another of the slayers quipped.
"Hey, he can use his artillery on them," Faith said dryly. "It'll help him get less injured next time."
"He needs to work on something seriously high yield," Hannibal
said. "The last one was a medium level, shoulder mounted
surface-to-air model and it only knocked the dragon unconscious for a
"We saw, don't remind us," Faith said. "That looked bad."
"Xander managed pants today," Hannibal said dryly. "He's helping out at the daycare."
The girls all cooed. They loved Xander's sons. They cuddled them more than the baby slayers did.
The members of the Xander Appreciation Society decided to hold a meeting
in a bar that Xander never went to. That way no news could get
back to him.
"So I heard claiming rumors of you and Dawnie?" Buffy asked.
Hannibal grimaced. "I was out of it in pain and she had my painkillers."
"Aww," Buffy cooed, patting him on the hand. "I'll accept you two
dating, Hanni. I like you with her. You can spank sense into
her when she needs it." He shook his head. "I'm sure you
"It's like spanking sense into Xander sometimes. I don't know
*anyone* who could do that." His phone rang. "Speaking
of...." He answered it. "What's wrong, Xander?" He
listened. "Seriously?" he demanded. "Well, fuck. Yeah,
if you need backup I can at least growl. What about his
teammates? Huh. Okay." He hung up. "Someone took
McGarret and his cousin hostage. Kono and Chin are livid.
Xander's mining contacts. He knows it's demon related by what he's
heard so far."
"Let us know and we'll be there," Buffy promised.
"Sure." He smiled. "I'll growl pleasingly in the background
because I know my limitations." They all smiled at him for that
wisdom Xander did not have.
Steve looked up at the demon keeping them hostage. "What?" he demanded.
"Vow that you will be married to that most amusing hunter and you can have his cousin on the side."
"First, I don't take orders from any higher being that's not a general,"
Steve said firmly. "Secondly, I'm not going to marry
Xander. He doesn't really trip me that way," he sneered.
"If not, I'll torture this one until you do." He found what he
wanted and brought back the car battery and jumper cables. "I know
it's cliche but it's also a classic and much nicer than what I'll do
later to his frail human body."
"What if he wants someone else?" Danny demanded. "You never know, he could be dating someone already and sworn to them."
"I did check."
"Not very well since I'm seeing him," Steve said with a head-nod at
Danny. It was a lie but the demon didn't know that yet.
"Among my kind it makes no difference if you have two spouses."
"Humans can't," Steve said dryly. "That's against our laws in this country."
"Mere semantics since you're both male, which is not covered either." He smiled. "You could give in."
"Me too." He struggled and got something from his pocket, snapping
it open. The demon screamed and threw magic at him. "Ow,"
he moaned, panting hard. "That's not nice. My cousin's going
to mess you up for that if I don't get there first."
"You puny human. You have no idea who I am," the demon sneered.
"No, but I do," Xander said as he walked in. "And lo and behold, I don't think you should be in this state."
The demon walked closer. "You made it into real clothes today. I'm almost impressed, Xander."
Xander stared at him. "I'm not your Xander." He smirked and
released his wings. "I'm a visiting Xander." The demon
screamed and backed away. "Yours is a bit too sore and I'm having a
fight with my Evil Sam so I came to kill things. You're
first." He lunged and attacked.
"Wow, you can fight with wings," Danny said, staring at them.
"Why would anyone want me to marry Xander?" Steve demanded.
"Maybe they think it'd be hot and you're dangerous enough for him," Danny quipped. "Can you get free?"
"No. The ropes are too tight." Xander threw a dagger at his
feet. He kicked it up to his lap and wiggled until Danny could
grab it and use it. Then he used it on Danny's ropes. "Can
we help? He wanted me to vow to marry the you here."
"You're not mean enough for one of ours," Sividia Xander quipped.
The demon shuddered. A few more appeared, including a native
sividia. "I'm helping with the spell thing," he told him. "I
found this one trying to inconvenience the me from here." He
killed it and spat on the body. "No, he's not marrying anyone
against his will. Thank you anyway." He looked at the new
demons, all of whom backed up. He looked at the native
sividia. "Did you want his corpse?"
"No. He had some nice plans though. I can sense the taint of Rosenburg."
Xander grinned and nodded, putting his wings away. "Yeah,
kinda. I'm here helping with the whole spell thing that got put
"That's fine. We had no idea how to stop it."
"We have a plan going but it's going to take a while to fully cover everything."
"Even better. Let me tell the higher ups that."
"Do you guys have Cordain still?"
"No. One of the younger ones overthrew him during the yearly move-making tests."
"Pity. I know some of ours try every now and then. He's a
good administrator and helps me a lot when I get stuck with my sanctuary
The native sividia nodded. "That makes a lot of sense." He
and the other demons disappeared since their ally was dead. There
went that plan.
Xander smiled and considered it then decided to check. Cordain
wasn't really dead. Just frozen. So now he wasn't.
Xander whistled when Cordain's blood lust came out and went after his
own people. "Pity that they tried to screw the higher ups."
He smiled at Steve and Danny. "I have no idea why people would
want you to marry the me here. You seem a bit nice for him."
He shrugged. "Let me go check on the boys. My people said I can't
have any until Hell can buy a good few teachers and remake some areas
for them to fly around in while hyper."
He disappeared. The half-demon at the daycare started to wail when
he appeared. He squatted down. "Hey. I'm not
mean." She blinked at him. He grinned. "I'm not
mean. I promise." He patted her on the head. "You're a
very smart, very kind, very good little girl. The world needs
more like you." She smiled and he gave her a hug. "I'm going
to play with my kids from here." He winked and went to play with
Jensen, who was staring at him.
The local Xander stared at him. "You're early."
"I found someone trying to get that McGarrett guy to vow to marry you. They'd give him your cousin on the side."
"Ahhhh. I got warned that I might have to go rescue someone."
"Already done and fixed the issue where they overthrew Cordain. I'm pretty sure this plan from hell is going to stop."
"Probably," Xander agreed happily. They got to play with
everyone. Jensen was staring at the wings in awe. Xander
grinned. "Some day, if you get magic, you can try the wing spell
one of us figured out after the last Xander convention, Jensen."
Roque and Clay were both shaking their head. "It only lasts for a
week, guys." They still shook their heads. So was
Pooch. "Yay. Jensen can do that if I say he can.
Because until you rejoin I'm the only general in your lives." He
grinned. They groaned and Jensen got up to move around and look at
the wings. "Oh, wow, you walked!" Xander squealed, hugging
him. "Good job, Jake!" Jake babbled and pointed at the
wings. "Don't grab them. They're very fragile and very
delicate." He let the baby touch one of the outer feathers.
That Xander plucked one and let Jensen have it to suck on. Xander
grinned at him. Jensen wanted a whole wing but he'd stalk
the feathers around later.
Chin stomped into the daycare and paused. Wings. All he
could see were wings. "You're back," he said finally. That
Xander grinned and nodded. "Thank you for saving them." He
saw Jensen walking and smiled. "Nice job, Jake." He fled
before the thought of wings on Xander froze his mind again.
"I have no idea why people's minds go blue screen of death at my wings,"
Sividia Xander quipped. The half-demon came over to help Jake
play with his wings. He looked back and shrugged. "Don't
hurt them, pull them, or mess them up, guys. I need them for
flying." Cougar let out a deep moan and crawled off to hide in the
closet. "Jensen can't fly until he can do the spell on himself,
Cougar. Relax." Cougar still hid because he knew Jensen
would find a way to do it. Jensen was babbling at his new feather
like he did his shell friends.
The half-demon's grandfather showed up and paused, whimpering.
Xander grinned at him and poked the baby gently, pointing at him.
She squealed and waved the feathers she had gotten to fall off.
"Thank you for indulging her, Senior," he said quietly.
"She's an adorably smart baby. She'll hopefully do great
things." He waved at the baby. She cooed and went with her
grandfather. He helped Xander get the boys out to the van and then
home. Then he went home to recuperate. Sam was scowling,
still. "Your father was right. Babies are evil but they like
"You went to play with that other Xander?" he demanded.
"And save a few people but mostly. They were at daycare.
There was an adorable half-demon there too. She and Jake loved my
wings for hours."
Sam came over to look at them. "They messed up your feathers a lot."
"I know. It itches." Sam helped him right them. "Thank
you." He hugged him. "We can't have more than twins at any
"No we can't," he agreed. "Or in total." Xander kissed him and they 'made up' on their perch in the living room.
Their caretaker Hu came out to look up there. "I heard mention of spawn? Should we prepare a nursery?"
"No. I went to play with another me's kids," Xander called down. "They loved the wings."
"Your mate does keep them soft, Lord Xander." He went back to the
kitchen to make plans for the eventual nursery they'd need. Flying
babies needed different things than crawling babies. Especially
since some baby higher demons tended to burp fireballs when they had
The XAS listened to the new gossip about their wanted being. They
got pissed off about the demon. They got pissed off about the
injuries. No one had realized he was *that* injured - but any of
them that had spent any time with Xander knew he wouldn't complain or
ask for any help. The XAS nominated someone to talk to his cousin
about how injured he really was. Then they made individual plans
since most arms dealers weren't really social group sorts.
Kono looked up as a very dangerous man they had been trying to arrest
for months walked up to her in the bar. And stupidly she wasn't
wearing a wire. "I know you," she said.
He smiled. "I got nominated by the other XAS people to ask how injured someone was, Officer."
"XAS? New terrorist group?"
"The Xander Appreciation Society. We decided on a slayer-style name." He smiled. "How injured is he?"
"About ninety stitches left, bruised stomach and chest, internal
bruising. One ear's ringing but he's never admitted it to anyone
but his doctor. Danny had us hack."
"Awww. We like his cousin for that much alone." He grinned. "Is there anything we can do to help him?"
"If you guys wanna take out dragons, go for it. Leave the native ones alone."
"I'll see if any of us want some target practice that way." He smiled and walked off.
Kono hurried back to the table. Everyone had seen. "He said he got nominated by the XAS to ask how Xander was."
"Are they terrorists?" Chin asked.
"He said the Xander Appreciation Society so maybe," she admitted.
"Jesus. Just... save us now," Danny complained, sipping his beer.
"They asked if there was anything they could do. I said to take out some dragons."
Steve nodded. "Could help, yeah." He drank some of his own beer. "How many do you think there are?"
"He never said. How many of his dates are here?" she asked back.
"Oooooh, nineteen the last Xander knew," Danny said. Steve glared
at him. "Mostly somewhere else. They only come here for
"Great, so maybe thirty," Chin decided. "All wanting Xander."
"Well, the Governor said that we didn't have enough work to do," Steve quipped.
Xander looked up from his mild stretching the next morning when he heard
a car door slam outside. He went to look. "Stephen?
Is something wrong?"
"Something's very wrong and it's a move against you."
"What happened this time?"
"The governor posted your address."
"Yes and a few other facts." He showed him the newspaper article.
Xander considered it. "Get me my phone?"
"Let me call McGarrett so you can strategize while I watch the
boys." He moved around him. He found Xander's phone and
called Steve, handing it over. He had called his boss on the way
over and he was *livid*. He had ordered Stephen to become the
super fussy assistant sort he was for Xander until this was solved.
"Steve, it's Xander," he said a bit too calmly. "Yeah, there's a
problem. I'm going to commit murder and the reason is in the paper
today. Can you have Maui meet me at his office?
Immediately. Thank you." He hung up and looked back.
"You sure you can protect them if they burst in here?"
"We're going to the corporate apartment."
"Okay. Thank you. I'll see you guys in a few hours.
Behave for your sitter, boys." He grabbed a few things, including
putting on some real pants, and a few dozen weapons of various
concealment. He took something for the pain of the pants but that
was about how his life went some weeks. He left after a hug for
each of his boys. Maui's office building had security but Xander
held up his certificate of weapons authorization to the guards.
They backed off. Xander took the paper up to Maui's office, and
found him already shouting at someone. "If that's the governor,
I'm having him eaten."
Maui, Xander's lawyer for the probates, paused. "What?"
Xander held up the newspaper article. "Why is this a
problem?" Xander got into his computer to access his dossier,
highlighting one line. Then Xander stared at him. Maui
stared. "Mom, I've got to go. I'll nag you about using
mobbed up people to fix the roof later." He hung up. "How
"There's ten different international hunt orders on my blood.
Steve knows about six because I gave him the files on the six
magic-using terrorist groups."
"Fuck," Maui said. Out in the lobby his secretary flinched.
"Let me get a restraining order started." He sat down to work on
one. "We'll have to tell the judge why."
"Is that enough? If not, McGarrett has bloodwork results."
"I need them." He called him. "It's Maui, Chin. I need
the hidden blood work results brought with McGarrett to the courthouse
now." He hung up. "Let's hope he's not a big fan of the
"I was until recently." He gathered up what he needed, erased his
browser's history, and led Xander down to his car. "The boys?"
"Thankfully he's protective." They met Steve on the front steps of
the Courthouse. The guards there tried to disarm Xander but he
had the certificate. They decided they weren't going to bother
since he was with one of the more violent officers in the HPD.
Maui found a judge he liked and knocked. "We need twenty minutes
for a serious restraining order."
"DVP?" the judge asked. Maui handed over the newspaper article and
Xander's certificate to own weapons from the President. "I saw
his weapons stash." McGarrett handed over the bloodwork results
and the judge went fairly pale. "Oh, dear."
"Oh, yeah. It's going to be great fun here when the ten blood hunt
contracts are tried for. Those are the long-standing, not the
quick ones like the other day when someone wanted to know what I had."
The judge looked at him. "I'd be upset too."
"I have five toddler sons. I'm going to have him eaten if they're
hurt. And then I'm going to finish destroying everything on this
island to avenge them."
"I've seen other parents say that." He called someone. "I'll
gladly grant it. Herman, come to my office please."
"It's about my blood," Xander said close enough to hear. "And the
news this morning." Xander backed up. "I saw the number you
The judge looked at the phone before he hung it up. "He shuddered."
"All he knows is that there are multiple reasons," Steve said.
"There's only eight of us that know that full list." He looked at
Xander. "Ten hunt orders?"
"Yeah. Long term ones. Those six terrorist groups, two germ
docs in Asia, one cartel guy in Guatemala, and someone in the NID who's
willing to kill me and everyone to get a sample for the taint, not
those. The Supreme Court told them to stop it and me to kill them
if they tried again. I've followed that faithfully. There
might be more now." He called the bar. "Franklin, it's
Xander. I'm in a craptastic mood so don't sound so happy.
Because the governor put my address in the newspaper. Yeah,
definitely not happy. Stephen, Hai's assistant, has them.
He listened. "You know what? Tell them. Every last one
of my ex's knows that I got exposed to something and most of them don't
want to kill me. Because I'm doubting even all the Marines in the
US right now could save my kids. Thank you." He hung up and
put his phone away, looking at Steve. "Want to go visiting?"
"Gladly." He took the order. "Maui, get the newspaper to
retract it as a bad address?" He nodded. The judge nodded
he'd help. He handed Xander the results. "I can talk to
"I'm going to talk to him." They left together. Xander was
let into the office while someone got the governor. Xander heard
him say something about 'he'll talk to the uppity bastard in a minute'
and smirked when he came in. "Congratulations. You just got
your island invaded by not only the NID but nine terrorist groups
looking for things." The governor snorted. Xander held up
the bloodwork results. "There are ten hunt orders on my blood with
a combined bounty of over seventy million dollars. None of them
are very nice and the protections on Hawaii will only keep one of them
He stared at him. "If they come, there's going to be a mess.
The President said I'm to make a mess. The Supreme Court said I'm
to make a mess if it's the NID people. If my sons are hurt, even a
scratch, we won't have to worry about creating that hellmouth because
the islands won't be here. After all, I have two ex's that create
nuclear weapons." Steve shuddered from his corner.
"We were hiding me for a very good reason. The fact that germ docs
know I had *something* and want to know *what* is why the President
sent me to be guarded by my cousin. So congratulations on
destroying your pretty state." He handed him the restraining
order. "Do not say another word about me to anyone.
Ever. Because I will turn them on you. After all, it'll save
a lot of effort if they get these results instead of having to take
blood and waiting for the results to pop up. Days less time
of me being able to break free and kill them." He smiled.
"Now, would you like to tell me why you felt you had to endanger every
single life in this state?"
"They won't come for you."
Steve nodded at the waiting Assistant Director of Homeland Security to come in. "How many got stopped, AD Gilders?"
"We arrested six on their way here. Only one was a US citizen and
he was NID. They're the ones that got blown up at the hospital
"The psycho torturing squad makes a pretty mess," Xander said dryly. "Even if I didn't do that one."
"Can you leave for a bit, Xander?" the AD asked.
"No. Where do you want me to go? Most of my safest fallback spots are in Africa."
That got a wince from him and Steve. "We'll assign you some guards. I heard you told your ex's?"
"That they're coming."
"That's fine. Most of your former boyfriends are fairly protective of you and your sons."
"If they're hurt, I'm killing *everyone*. I'll create a bigger
apocalypse than even Rosenburg tried to do that first time she tired."
"I have no doubt of that, kid." He looked at McGarrett. "You're on to guard him."
"His cousin and I are already doing that part time, sir."
"No, I mean full time."
"They have cases," the governor said. He sneered at Xander.
"If you're that worried, we'll provide officers." Xander held up
his certificate. The governor flinched and backed away.
"There's no way."
"And that's why I have this," Xander said dryly. He reached over
and pulled the phone closer, dialing a number. "Mrs. Fields, it's
Xander Harris. We have a major problem here in Hawaii beyond the
dragons. Is he in and up yet?"
"He's in a meeting, Mr. Harris. Can I take a message?"
"Tell him the governor here posted my address. Homeland
knows. They've stopped six, including one NID person. I've
alerted my contacts, and I'm not really in the best shape right now
thanks to internal bruise from that last fight with a dragon."
"I will. Does he need to know now?"
"Yes. Yes, this is a blue code emergency. This is a terrorist thing."
"I can do that. You try to relax and make plans, Mr. Harris." She hung up.
He put the handset back down and leaned back, rubbing his
stomach. "Steve, Hannibal is to stay at Dawn's. He's
too vulnerable and at least the NID would try to use Dawn to get
me." Steve nodded. "The boys need to find a good spot to
hide for right now." He looked at the local AD of Homeland.
"What do you want to do?"
"I'd love to put you into witness protection but you're too well known,"
he admitted. "And your ex's are fairly scary. I'm going to
have your ex in the ATF go talk to the bar you go to. Tell them
"I told the bartender. He's a former agent."
"We know. I'll have him updated." He glared at the governor. "You'd better pray we can stop all of them."
"Some may already be here. We've been hearing rumors of one of the
bigger players from that cartel guy coming here for a meeting with a
chemistry student," Xander said. "I told that same ex."
"Shit." He called that in. "We'll handle it. For today, I want you at the office with your cousin."
"I have to see the doctor later."
"We can sneak you there. You never learned extraction and entrance
procedures but we did," Steve promised. He patted him on the
back. "Sir, let's hope that my day isn't spent adding to our kill
counts." He walked Xander out.
"I will have you in Gitmo," the AD said pleasantly. "For endangering your whole state." He left.
The governor called in his assistant. "Find me a person who can tell me what they'd need to test for a blood disease."
"Human or animal, sir?"
"Human." He hung up. This was not looking good. Within
an hour, he really needed something for the ulcer he had
starting. He had no idea it was this bad of a situation.
Dawn was sitting down to breakfast with her sister when the waiter
dropped a paper on their table. Dawn frowned, looking at
him. "Nice to see you too, Brach."
"It's bad news, Dawn." He left, able to no longer pretend to be a waiter.
Dawn read the section it was folded to. "Shit." Buffy
snatched it and Dawn pulled out her phone. "Hannibal, stay
home. If the boys get dropped off, entertain them as you move them
to whatever safe spot you've got picked out. The governor put
Xander's address in the paper." She hung up and called the main
house. "It's Dawn. Someone published Xander's
address." She hung up and considered.
Buffy was calling from her phone. "Mrs. Fields? Buffy
Summers. No, a head's up that Xander's going to be destroying a
good part of Hawaii. Can you have him call me so I can finish the
warning? Thank you." She hung up and the sisters shared a
look. They had a faster than normal breakfast. Dawn called
the daycare but Stephen had warned them. Hannibal was less than
stoned on his lowered dose of painkillers today. "Protections on
the house?" Buffy suggested as they headed out to Dawn's car.
"Yeah, I need to do more." They drove over to check on Xander, who
was gone, and do the protections. So when someone showed up later
with a missile attack it rebounded onto the lawn.
Steve walked Xander into the office. "Meeting." He stared at
the new person. She had been forced onto the team by the
governor. "Lori, this is classified by the President. The
only reason I know is I gathered the information. The only reason
the team will know is because your boss is a dumbass and makes it
"So in other words don't blab," Danny said. He looked at how tense
Xander was. "Sit." Xander lounged, rubbing his stomach.
Xander snorted. "He put my address in the paper with my physical description and that I'm injured."
"Wonderful!" Danny shouted. "So not only will we have anti-demon
hunting nuts, we'll have religious nuts, we'll have anti-gay nuts, and
then we'll have your appreciation society."
"No, not them. We'll have the blood admiration society this time," Xander said bitterly.
"Blood?" Chin asked. Steve handed him the bloodwork results. "I knew you had something but damn!"
Kono took it and winced. "Super damn." Steve put it back into his safe. "So we do what now?"
"I have to meet with my doc at one-twenty-five," Xander said. "The
boys are with Stephen. I'm sure by now Dawn's heard so she and
Hannibal are protecting each other. I told Franklin at the bar I
go to. He can pass it on to any of my ex's that're local and
"How would the governor have known not to publish this?" Lori demanded.
"Because Xander got moved out here by presidential order so I could
guard my cousin," Danny said. "He knew that. That means he
went against a presidential order." She piped down. He
looked at Steve. "Doc's?"
"We can arrange it. Which one?" Xander found the appointment card and handed it over. "That's yesterday."
"They switched it."
"Kono, make sure." He handed it over. She moved to call from
a desk phone. He looked at Xander. "How likely is it that
you'll be unable to move quickly if you have to?" he asked quietly.
"I'm not sure. I think I can and if I have to I will. I'll
curl up in the car afterward but if I have to I'll do whatever I need
"Good." He patted him on the shoulder. "Danny, you and he go
to your office. It's the best protected." Danny nodded,
taking him in there to calm him down and let him rest on the couch.
Kono hung up. "One-twenty-five today. I asked because he
might be under guard due to a new threat. She said that a
bodyguard could come with him but would have to wait in the waiting area
due to patient privacy issues."
Steve grimaced but nodded. "If we have to, we can be a clingy
boyfriend or girlfriend." She smiled and nodded. "Xander,
where's your artillery?" Xander tossed out a key so he looked it
over. "Is that the place by the last house?"
"Okay." He and Chin went to move it on the kid. That wasn't
exactly a safe area. Then the ones in the house's armory.
They found one mess already started and Stephen's people packing
everything. Steve handed over the name of the warehouse and they
moved it all there for him. They went back to the office to
talk to the other guards they were getting from the PD. This was
going to be bad for weeks.
The President walked up the halls smiling. It had been a good
meeting. His secretary held out two slips. "Bad?" he asked
at her look.
"Your guard said they had to wait due to the intense nature of your talk. They said it shouldn't, sir."
He read the top one from Buffy. "Is that verbatim?" She
nodded, her lips pressed together. He read the second one and
there went his happy mood for months! "Get all the investigative
branches' heads in here with their files on Harris. Tell the head
of the CIA to update the list of people who want him and might be near
Hawaii." He stomped into his office. He kissed his wife on
the cheek. "Not now, Dear. I have to destroy the asshole in
"We're going there on vacation in a few weeks. Do you want to wait and physically punch him?"
He smiled. "I'll be doing that anyway. Though I'm not sure
if our plans will change or not. He just gave some terrorists the
excuses they need to go on vacation there too."
"Oh, dear. Poor Xander."
"Oh, yes. At least he warned us." She smiled and left him
alone. One of the Secret Service guards leaned in. "I need
your boss here for that talk."
"Do you want Customs, sir?"
"Yes. They'll probably run into at least one of them." He
waited. It wasn't long before everyone was in his office. He
handed over both notes to the head of the Secret Service first.
He read them then passed them on. "I'm aware that there's something strange about him but what, sir?"
"About fifty things in his blood that could cause us problems," the head of the FBI said. "Or so it's assumed."
"I had it run," the President said, getting up to get into his wall
safe. He brought back the results so they could see it. "I
had someone at the CDC politely request blood and he did agree with that
one. That way they can start looking at antibodies and
anti-virals against it. Xander agreed it was a reasonable idea as
long as his name wasn't attached to the samples. They agreed
happily. How bad is it?" he asked the head of the CIA.
"The usual places were scanned for hunt orders. There's the old
ten that are constant, the two kill contracts on him beyond those
that've been around for years. There's another new one from
someone in Hawaii but it's also on his cousin and his cousin's
boss. There's one from three new sources but they're considered
casual and one may be canceled since Xander himself took them out when
they tried to take his daycare hostage to get him." The President
winced. "As Xander himself would say, he had a weasel stomping day
again that day. Including in front of the governor." He
smiled. "Then there's about seven new ones that only started
today." He handed over the orders and offers. The president
passed them around. "I've tried to call Xander but he's already
switched his phone number as a precaution. I'm assuming his boys
are in hiding and he's off being pissed off."
"Xander's injured. During that first fight with the dragon, he got
slammed between two cars." The president passed them on. "I
need a copy of those to send to a SEAL I sicced on Xander's protection
when he needs it." He smiled. "Conveniently his cousin's
"McGarrett can help him a lot. Including calming him down," the head of the FBI said. "I've seen some of his work."
The head of Homeland smiled. "That thing with my office out there
nearly involved him. They wanted to create a child between him and
"I think they'd love that," the president said sarcastically.
"Especially a daughter for his boys to overprotect." They all
smirked back. "Someone call their office?"
"I did on the way over. McGarrett has him in hand today.
Some of our people are doing a second layer around the kid. His
boys are with Hai's former assistant for some reason. Xander's
injured but swearing up and down if he has to he'll handle things."
"I know how that goes," the head of the CIA complained. "I have a
few agents like him on my staff." The others smiled.
The head of the Secret Service looked up. "Should we perhaps give him some guards for now?"
"We might consider it. If we need more, I've got to piss Xander
off by sending out Finn to help guard him. He has the most
training on assault teams," the head of Homeland said. "Though I
believe Xander would probably kill him."
"We have a few former military people we can add," the head of the
Secret Service said. "Does he know anyone in any other agencies?"
"He dated someone ATF and they're out there," the head of the CIA
said with a smile. "Xander goes to raid weapons and turns them
into him for a reward and usually a quiet dinner date."
"What's this one on his cousin and their boss?" the head of the FBI asked.
"Wo Fat. He's a local thug and is a pain in that unit's
side. Xander raided two of his shipments because he had tried to
capture his cousin. Xander's offered to do sniper duty on him for
"Good," he decided. "Let him."
"No one would care about Xander taking out evil shits," the president
agreed. "Even for diaper money at the time. I heard
something about Rupert's problems?"
"He had been replaced by a demon for a while. We're still waiting
to see where he is. Apparently he tried to break Harris by
bankrupting accounts he didn't know he had until he went looking for a
new car." The head of the FBI smiled. "Then they dealt with
the demon and are tracking where things went. We believe that
someone may have restarted Wolfram and Hart. The demon was
formerly one of them and was killing Xander's admiration society after
remaking their wills on them so it would go to Xander for his looting to
restart the law firm."
"Ah," the president said, smiling back. "Assholes again." They all nodded. "Okay, what can we do fastest?"
"Up our no entrance list," the head of Customs said, sending that email
to his people for immediate release. "We can up that with their
minions later." Everyone nodded.
"I'm sending him some guards. What's his housing situation like?" the head of the Secret Service asked.
"He has one. I'm told Hai left it to him. I'm told it's
fairly nice but that's the same house that got released. I have no
idea if Xander has a backup spot."
They all nodded. They could fix that.
McGarrett looked up as a few obvious agents walked into his
office. "He's at the doctors for another ten minutes. I'm
waiting to take back over because I had to stop and arrest someone who
"That's fine, Commander. This is the list of the current prices on
his head." The lead agent handed it over. "Also included
are the ones on Dawn Summers and one Hannibal King?"
"Dawn is like his little sister and the head witch at the Council right
now. She's healing from Rosenburg's thing out here.
Hannibal's her boyfriend and another hunter who is also a good friend of
Xander's and injured. They'd be good collateral." That got a
nod. He read them over. He also took an antacid for the
first time in years. "Okay," he said, putting them down.
"We'll go over them with Xander when he gets back. What plans do
we have for right now?"
"The resort. We've already checked. He does still half-own
it. We've talked to the general manager who said he had heard and
had opened Loki's house for him. It's safely on the grounds but
out of the way. The president is renting it when he comes out as
"I didn't even think about the resort," Steve admitted. "We were going to have him go to a hotel tonight and hide."
"That's fine. He didn't think you had thought of them." The
lead agent smiled. "We're here to take over a guarding
shift. Layer your PD people around us so you're in less
danger. His cousin you can talk to about where he's settling."
The second one handed over an envelope. "From the First Lady, sir."
Steve opened it and snorted, shaking his head at the suggestion that him
taking Xander in would be a delightful outcome and he was more than
dangerous enough for Xander's usual tastes. "No thanks. A
demon tried that the other day." Xander got walked in by
Kono. "Another one?" he asked, seeing the bruises starting to come
"One of Wo Fat's minions," Xander said. "He tried to get Kono and I
staked his ass. Even though he is human." He sat down with a
wince and a hiss, nodding at the guards. "Hey, guys. What's
our current plans?"
"You miscounted," Steve said, handing over the notes.
Xander looked them over. "I knew about most of those." He
texted Dawn the ones on her and Hannibal. Dawn's simple 'fuck
them' answer back was funny. Xander showed Steve the phone,
getting a small grin too. "Dawn's being feisty again today. How's
"Nearly got killed twice," Danny said, coming in to look over his shoulder. "Some of those are older."
"They're not on my blood. They're to get me dead. I don't
usually pay much attention to them outside of ending the people that did
them." He pointed at one. "Unless his infant son restarted
it, I didn't leave his people alive to pay." He went back to the
list. "Huh, Phil's on here. I wonder if he still wants me
dead after sleeping with me last week." He called him. "Just
a clarification. This three-point-two mil price on my head?
Do you still want me dead after I made you give me a blow job, and was
it that or because I called you pretty?"
He listened to the assurance he had canceled it. "Well, the CIA
said you didn't so I thought I'd check. Thanks. No, I'm
presently in protective custody so it'll have to be a few weeks,
Phil. Yeah, thanks to the governor. And you can't hurt him
since I'm suing him. And especially not his guards. They
don't really have a choice in guarding the douchebag.
Thanks." He hung up and crossed that one out. "He said he
took it off but it hasn't been widely known. He'll make sure
"The First Lady wanted what that demon wanted," Steve said, handing him the note.
Xander smirked at him. "You're pretty but you'd make me jog and
things. I can't stand jogging." He went back to the lists,
calling a few more ex's that were on it. He left a few still
listed and the rest swore up and down that they had canceled it.
He smiled and handed the amended list to the head agent. "I love
my ex's most of the time. Two even offered me better artillery."
"We'll consider those as lower risk of being carried out." He
smiled. "Do we need to make any stops on the way to the resort?"
"Heading there," Steve said. "I'll call Stephen. We're going with you tonight."
"Danny has to go with Gracie today. She has a school play
tonight," Xander said, looking at him. "Come out when you're
done. Tell her I love her."
"I will. I'll take film too." He looked at Steve, who nodded
for him to go. One of the agents went with him. "I'm
good. They won't try me."
"There is one that mentions you beyond the one from Wo Fat."
Danny stopped. "Excuse me?"
"Wo Fat's contract mentions you and McGarrett as well as your
cousin. One of the other one mentions you as a dangerous member of
the family and highly protective of your cousin so you might need to be
disabled to get him easier."
"Yeah, we'll deal with them after the school play." That got a
nod. They nearly walked out into a dragon. "Shoo!" he
ordered, waving a hand. The dragon blew steam at him. He
glared. "Xan?" he called. Xander came to a window and shot
something at the dragon. "Go eat the governor or something."
It flew off with a yelp. Danny grinned and walked off.
Steve got Xander away from the window. "It's a bit insane out here
"I expected it was with what's been seen on the news." The agent followed him to his car. "I should drive."
Danny glared. "I barely get to drive thanks to my partner.
I'm not your princess." He got in to drive. The agent smiled
but got in as well.
Xander was giggling. "The agent tried to drive Danny too."
"We learned better defensive driving skills than any department has
their rookies trained in," one of the agents agreed. "I have
agents gathering things from your storage area, namely the food
things." Xander nodded. "Can we go now?"
"I need my new 'script filled by tomorrow but I put it in Danny's pocket," Xander offered.
"Then let's go now," he ordered. He looked at McGarrett, who sent
Chin with him for now while he went to scare a few people. He and
one of the agents shared a look.
"I'll talk to his former dates then be out there." Xander glanced
back at him. "I won't arrest any that aren't causing problems
today." He added a few new weapons and went to the bar they hung
out at. He walked in when he got there, looking around.
"There's fifteen contracts on him, four on Dawn, and two on Hannibal,
people. Can you warn us next time?"
"Is that before or after Xander asked some of us to hold off kidnaping him so he's ours?" one quipped, sipping his whiskey sour.
"After." That one spluttered and choked.
"Xander's injuries are causing him problems or he'd be here being pouty
himself," one of the other guys said. "I got someone to take
pictures when he was out car shopping. They got a nice one from
the pharmacy that shows a chest full of bruises."
Steve nodded. "His doc put him on new medicine today." They
all sighed. "So yes, let's leave Xander alone. He's in a
very bad state right now. Not even the boys will calm him
down. Just let us know if they show up for him?"
They all nodded. "If we can't handle them we'll call your SEAL
ass," one said with a smirk and a wave. "When are you people going
to take down Wo Fat? I hate competing against his incompetence."
"We're still working on it and now he has a price on Xander's head
too." Someone in the back growled. "Xander's offered to do
sniper duty and get him. We're working on him as fast as we can
while we bring down the rest of you." A few snickered. "Just
a head's up would be great since a few have tried to attack his
house. Including some PETA member that wanted to stop him from
killing the dragons."
"We stopped her and gave her to one of them," the guy with the whiskey
sour said. "She kept saying that dragons were harmless like
puppies and should be considered flying puppies. She was not
amused when it decided she was tasty." He smiled and finished his
drink, getting up to get another one. "What else happened?"
"The First Lady and a demon both wanted me to date him."
The whole bar stared and one whimpered. "No, not allowed.
He's our Xander and we'll help him all we can. Even if I do have
to kidnap him to a great dinner so he can calm down." A few others
nodded and made plans for that. Steve left them to their plotting
on how to help them protect Xander. "I'm willing to marry him,"
that thug told one of the others. "You're already married and
Xander would never be the mistress."
"She's a trophy wife."
"He's still against that after he cheated that once on Cordelia."
"Fine. I'll wait until she's served her uses and is gone once my
heir is born." He pouted and got another drink. It sucked
that Xander was honorable sometimes. It'd make their desires
easier sometimes even if it would taint them against him.
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