Notes:  remembered a discussion we had on a list about various strange lubes and what people had used in the past.  Sparked this idea at one in the morning.  Thanks, guys.  I needed the dirty thoughts.

Demon Criminal Investigative Services:  Personal Matters.

"Hey, um, Xander?" Faith asked as she sidled up next to him in the armory.  "Dean kinda forgot to make a few runs earlier when he was doing errands for the girls.  You got anything...slick like?" she hissed in his ear.

Xander looked at her then held up the gun oil.  "You can borrow it if you want," he offered.  He wouldn't grin and embarrass her further.  She was already near blushing.  He really hadn't seen Faith blush before.  It was kind of cute.

"Um, no thanks.  Dean's a bit gun nut but I don't think he wants to use gun oil for that, boytoy."

Xander shrugged.  "There's the tried and true spit," he offered.

"That leaves friction burns even with the lubricated condoms," she complained, leaning her hip against the table.  "If the moron had went to the pharmacy like he said he was going to, we wouldn't be this sitch."  She looked at him.  "Anya's trunk of delights doesn't have anything?" she complained.

"No, we used the last of the wifey lube," he joked, starting to grin. "That stuff goes bad if you don't use it."  He considered it.  "Let's see.  From my days on the pole during my road trip, we had a discussion and chat session one night when there were no customers because it was pouring rain.  I got a lot of good kinky ideas from that night."  She cleared her throat, shaking her head.  "We had one of the guys who used motor oil.  We had one of the guys who used kitchen oils.  A lot.  His boyfriend wanted to be a chef.  I know gun oil works, been there done that."  He considered it, noticing the usually unflappable slayer was now bright red.  "What?" he asked.

"How would you get it out?  Motor oil and gun oil don't just soak out."

"That's what I wondered but the guy who said he used motor oil said it was fun and left it there."  He smirked.  "The one with the chef wanna be for a boyfriend said he used mayo once.  He did say to use the cheaper stuff, it had more oil than the better quality stuff."

"That's also got eggs," she said.  "I don't want to smell like food for the next few days, X."

"Sorry."  He shrugged, holding up the gun oil.  "It will soak out," he offered.  "Oooh, Willow said once that Oz had to improvise.  He used those little cocktail weenies in a can's juice."

"Food's still not my kink, no matter how much Dean likes to eat."

"I don't know.  Hey, John?" he called, making Faith moan.  "You got anything slick?"


"Not that sorta slick," Faith moaned, putting her head on the table.

"Though that does give a whole new meaning to squeaky parts," Xander said dryly.  "And sticky parts."  John blushed at that.  "Dean forgot lube when he went out."

"No.  I don't usually need that sort of thing.  Can't you use vaseline or something?  I don't want to hear this discussion unless you're giving me grandkids and reminiscing in your second trimester, Faith."  He walked off trying hard not to think about it.  He did not want to know that about his son's sex life.  The spank magazines were bad enough.

Faith looked at Xander.  "Did I deserve that?" she whined.

"Yeah."  He smirked.  "A little bit of blushing is good for the skin.  Or so said Buffy when Anya used to talk about our sex life in front of her and make her blush."  He beamed.  "But I do know you can use it...."  She covered his mouth.

"No!  I don't wanna *think* that thought.  Stop it."  He held up the bottle of gun oil.  "He's not that gun nuts."  Jack, the armory Jack, walked in looking happy.  "Let me scoot."

"Problems?" he asked, noticing the blush and how she was covering Xander's mouth.  "Something we need help with?"

"Got anything slick in your commando kit?"

"Gun oil."

"Not my thing for sex.  Thanks though.  X suggested it plenty of times."  She walked off.

"Go ask Abby," he called after her.  "She probably does."

"Thank you, Goddess!" she shouted.  "A *good* suggestion!"  She hurried off to do that.

"I asked John if he had any slick stuff, he suggested WD-40 without realizing what she needed," Xander said with a grin.

"I don't think that'd work too well.  And it'd be hard to clean out."

"Nah, the guy who used the motor oil probably had a worse time."

Jack looked at him oddly.  "You know someone who did that?"

"Yeah.  One night when there were no customers, back when I had the car break down on my road trip, we got into a talk one night about the strangest sex stuff.  He won with motor oil but the guy who used mayo came in second."

Jack shook his head.  "Mayo might work.  I know someone who used ranch dressing once too.  And the dip at one diplomatic party.  Same guy, got into a lot of trouble for it."

Xander nodded.  "We had one guy who used the little cocktail weenies in a can's juice."  Jack shuddered.  "Yeah, I told him I wouldn't put anything up my butt that I wouldn't put in my mouth.  He giggled his butt off for almost an hour."

"It's good you caused insanity long before you got here, Xander."  He patted him on the back.  "What was your contribution?"

"Back then I was kinda vanilla.  I hadn't done more than take Anya to the prom and have her that one night so I'd only gotten to handcuffs and gun oil.  And that time Faith choked me.  Anya was only my third girlfriend."

Jack gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.  "It's better now, right?"

"I could use someone full-time but clubbing relief works well enough now and then."

"As long as you're careful.  The girls would be destroyed if you caught something off some skank."

"Yeah, they would kill both of us," he agreed.  "Especially after I yelled when the girls who had been in Cleveland were sharing some guys around and got crabs and stuff."

"Definitely after that lecture, yeah.  What are you doing?"

"The only case open right now is the busts and I'm kinda grounded to the base until things die off.  Senator Chores is still trying to get me killed by someone.  She hired someone this last time but she was a fun playmate.  I let her track me through the woods until I pounced then she begged really well."  He grinned a smug little grin.  "Then she decided the little death of an orgasm was as close as I was coming by her hand."  He shrugged and got back to work cleaning guns.

"You slept with the assassin she sent after you, which made her not kill you?" Jack asked.  Xander beamed and nodded.  "How do you do that?"  Clearly the woman hadn't hired a good assassin.  They would've slept with Xander and killed him anyway.

"Bad girls love me," he said smugly.

"I can see that."  He walked off shaking his head, running into John Sheppard and Daniel arguing over something.  "Daniel, did you know that Senator Chores sent an assassin after Xander?  That he had slept with her so she wouldn't kill him?"

"Excuse me?" John asked, looking confused.  "Xander did *what*?"

"Apparently Senator Chores put out a contract on him.  He led the assassin through the woods on a chase then pounced according to him.  He said after he got done with his pouncing, she decided that the orgasm was as close to death as she could give him."

Daniel moaned, rubbing his forehead.  "Only Xander," he muttered.

"Not even I'm that bad," John agreed.  He gave Daniel a pat on the arm.  "If we get to go back, you can come with us if you want."

Daniel looked at him.  "Don't tempt me."

John grinned at Jack.  "How did this topic come up?"

"Faith was looking for stuff."

"Ah.  Condoms?"

"Lube.  Xander offered gun oil.  Apparently when he was stripping way back when, the other guys got into a talk about the strangest lube they had used.  One used motor oil."

"That's got to be hard to get out," John said, considering it.

"I suggested she ask Abby," Jack told him.

"That might help but I know she's out because McKay was complaining last night that he only got cuddles and groping in."  He grimaced.  "Pharmacy run?"

"She can drive."

"They can?" John asked.

"I got an instructor from the FBI Academy to come out to teach defensive driving and to teach all the slayers how to drive," Daniel told him.  "So everyone but Tiff can."

"No, I taught her," he assured him.  Brenda wandered past. "You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine.  Just sleepy."  She yawned.  "Where's John?"

"Off being embarrassed since Faith and Dean ran out of necessary stuff," Jack told her.

"I have some."  She jogged back to her room, holding her pregnant stomach.  She gathered up her extra to hike over to the highrise Dean and Sam shared an apartment in.  She knocked on the door, getting a curious looking Dean.  "Jack said you guys ran out of stuff and that Faith was hunting some down.  You can have my extra."  She grinned and handed it over.

He looked at the small pile.  "Why did you have warming lube?" he asked.  "Won't that hurt her?"

"I asked, it's perfectly safe and it feels really nice."  She grinned.  "I'll buy more in a few days.  That way she doesn't have to embarrass Dad anymore."  She walked off happier now that she had helped.

Dean shut the door, looking at the little stack.  Condoms, which he was happy to see.  Two different types of lube.  One flavored condom, lemon flavored.  Maybe he'd have to talk to Brenda about any kinky things she had done while pregnant.  Just to make sure she was safe, not to perv in her life or anything.  Faith walked in and slammed the door.  "Somehow Brenda heard and gave us her leftover stuff."

"That'll help since Xander didn't have any and neither did Abby, but Xander managed to out-kink me."

"Really?" he asked, grinning at her.  "I thought he only liked light bondage now and then."

She shook her head quickly.  "Back when he was broken down the other ladies stripping and him talked about their kinky lube stuff.  He kept trying to get me to bring over gun oil."

"I don't think that's the right sort of slick," he said, shaking his head to get rid of that mental image.

"He asked Papa Scruffy if he had anything slick, without telling him why.  He suggested WD-40."

"It's one of the fundamental cures of the universe, but not for this."

"X said he knew someone who used motor oil."

He pulled her closer to kiss her.  "No, I like normal things.  So do you.  She has warming lube and regular lube."

"Regular's good," she said quickly.  "We can use some more vanilla in our lives."  He grinned, taking her to his bedroom to have loud, mind clearing sex before the bad, kinky thought stuck in their heads.


Daniel found Xander right before dinner, pushing him into a nearby room before he could walk into the dining hall.  He followed and closed the door with a kick of his foot.  "What assassin was this and why didn't you tell us?"

Xander gave him a confused look.  "I handled it and I told the FBI guy I worked with on the Wolfram and Hart thing, Danny.  He said he'd handle it.  I know I'm safe now.  She told the others that killing me is a waste of a good man."

"I don't need those sort of details," he sighed, rubbing his forehead.  "Did House check you out afterward?  Just in case she poisoned you or something?"

"It was last week, a few days after I got back."

"Have him check anyway, Xander."  Xander pouted.  "And find someone nice to date?  Please?"

"I can't find anyone," he complained.  "I've been hitting it in the clubs now and then but I can't find a good, steady thing that'll let me make her scream in pleasure."

"I don't need details," he reminded him quickly.  "Ask Abby to set you up.  They might be a bit strange but probably nice since she is."

"I hadn't thought about that."  He walked out, going to talk to Abby.  Rodney was nagging her over not eating a lot.  "She'll eat you later, McKay, quit nagging.  We'll be nibbling while we tinker anyway.  Abby, Danny suggested you might be able to fix me up with a woman who'll let me make her scream multiple times a night."

She looked up at him.  "You're having another blunt disease day, aren't you?" she asked with a grin.

"Yeah.  He thinks it was bad that the assassins aren't going to come after me again after I slept with the last one."

She shook her head quickly.  "That's so bad, Xander, but I'll ask my girlfriends.   Has  House seen you yet?"

He grumbled something under his breath.  "He wanted me to make sure too."  He trudged that way.  "House, Daniel said you had to poke me again because he's not sure the assassin I slept with last time didn't try to poison me since she was trying to kill me."

House stared up at him.  "You need laid badly, don't you?" he asked dryly.

"Well, yeah, but I can't sneak off to any clubs for another two days.  He has me grounded to the base while Chores works it out of her system."

"I'll draw blood after dinner, Xander.  Go eat and make sure you're not feeling funny."

"I'm not."  He went to sit down beside Sam since it was the only spot at the table.  "When I finally get to sneak off, wanna come with me?"

Sam smirked.  "I don't think you need a hunting partner on that sort of hunting trip, Xander.  Motor oil?"

"It wasn't me.  It was one of the other guys at the club.  I was way more straight back then."

Sam nodded.  "I was before I went to college too," he sighed.  Then he grinned.  "But I had fun."

"Yeah, it was fun trying new things out," Xander sighed, then grinned back.  "We really should go have bad boy fun soon."

"We should," he agreed.

"After House makes sure the assassin you slept with didn't poison you," Daniel called from his seat.

"Yes, boss."

"Assassin?" John Winchester demanded from up the table.

"I found her stalking me in the woods.  I led her on a good chase, turned her into prey and pounced her.  She decided I was too good to kill," he said with a grin.

John stared at him.  "Mind out of the gutter, boy."


"Because you'll taint the girls."

"They're not going to be like me, John.  They know that.  Even in their second trimesters."

John blushed.  "That's an excusable reason for doing things that good people don't think about," he said firmly.  Brenda blushed but shook her head quickly.  "I'm sure if you're scratching that itch you're careful, Brenda."

"I'm very careful.  Abby helped me find someone."

"Good!"  He looked at his son and Xander again.  "When I checked on you at Stanford no one said you were being that bad, Samuel."

"I don't think they ran in the same circles as your friends and contacts, Dad.  Well, except maybe that one bachelor party....  But probably not since we kinda got the club shut down."

Xander sighed.  "I remember doing that."  He shook his head quickly.  "Maybe I should bring Spike with me.  He liked to follow me around to watch the chaos in action when I went hunting that way."

"He's in Montana.  Remember, Ryan's case," Sam said, grinning at him.  "We can go.  Is there a good place locally?"

"Semi locally.  I found one.  I go there to blow off steam."  He beamed at him.  "I have a lot of fun those days."

"You're still grounded to base, Xander," Daniel reminded him.

"I can go undercover," he offered.  "Do a temporary hair dye, drive my own car.  All that good stuff."

"No."  He looked over.  "It's safer if there's more assassins.  Not all of them will sleep with you and not kill you."

Xander smirked.  "I've only seen the two and the other one got his ass beaten by the demon who was trying to talk me into sleeping with him.  He was very insulted the guy tried to interrupt his seduction attempt.  I made him give him to Fornell too."

Tony choked, pulling out his phone to call him.  "Fornell, DiNozzo.  You've had assassins handed over to you by Xander and someone else?"  He listened, then got up to bang his head against a wall.  "Could you not stop her?"  He nodded, groaning some.  "Thanks, Fornell.  No, he was talking about a clubbing field trip."  He hung up.  "He got another three from others who think Xander's a pinup, boss," he said dryly, sitting down again.

"I am?" Xander asked.

"He said one showed him a picture of you in a speedo to show who he had been going after.  The demon had broken his jaw."

"Awww.  I didn't know I had a fan following too."  He beamed at John.  "See, they do like me.  Though I'm not sure how she got a picture of me back in eleventh grade when I went undercover on the swim team.  And if there's others I might start to worry."

"Sammy, can't you knock him out?" John asked.

"No, Dad."

"Please?" Brenda asked.  "Before I get bad girl ideas and therefore have to try to date him too?"  A few of the other slayers choked on that sentence.

"I know you're too sweet for me and my dirty things," Xander assured her with a grin.  "Even during the old days when the girls were so horny they tried to break in to take dirty pictures of the agents, I knew we were safe with you, Brenda."  She sniffled, getting up to give him a hug then sitting back down to eat.

"There's pictures?" Tony demanded.  Xander pointed at the group down the table who were trying to hide.  "We had better be getting them back, ladies."

"John burned them on us," one defended.  "And I only got you in boxers and a t-shirt.  It was how we proved who we had panty raided."

Daniel looked at them.  "We can ground you," he reminded her.

"There's a reason the punishment list in the newsletter is called Xander's Spanking List," Anna reminded them dryly.  They all glared at her.  "Not like I'm old enough to panty raid yet," she snorted.  "Besides, you girls took all the fun out of it by making it competitive."

"I'll be doing a dorm search later," John said firmly.  "Without you girls in your rooms."  They groaned, slumping some.  "There had better not be new ones either."  He looked at Tony.  "I did burn them.  Nothing was too risque.  Mostly sleeping pictures."

"That's still uncool," Ryan pointed out.

"Very," Sam agreed, staring at the girls.  They slumped further.  "Thank you.  Eat so you can clean up later when Dad tears your rooms apart."

"Be thankful we don't have invisibility cloaks," Xander said dryly.

"Yes I am," Sam agreed happily, grinning at him.  "The ones who used to panty raid would have been worse with one."

"Huh?" John asked.

"Major magical item in Harry Potter, Dad."

"Uh-huh.  Read better trash, boys."  He went back to eating.  Apparently he didn't have free time tonight after all.  Brenda gave him a grin and a pat on the wrist so he was happier.  He'd have to check her room extra carefully since the girls stored stuff with her thinking that he wouldn't check her room.

Xander and Sam were plotting down the table, heads bent together to hiss at each other.  It was clearly the sign of something naughty about to happen.

Danny and Ryan were watching those two then Danny nudged Speed to watch too.  Speed watched then grinned.  "If that works," he decided quietly.

Danny looked at him.  "You think?"

"Maybe.  Don't know yet.  We'll have to wait and see.  It'd be good for them."

"I think they might be a bit picky with each other," Ryan said quietly.  "They're buddies."

"Which doesn't always hurt a relationship, Wolfe," Speed assured him.  "Sometimes it makes good ones."

"Sam says he's straight," Don reminded them quietly.

"Good point.  That is a factor."  Speed grinned.  "What is the current bet?"

"With the assassin, they think that demon taint is coming out again."

"Could be," Ryan agreed.  Danny shuddered.  "But we'll figure it out I guess.  Or they will maybe."  He'd have to change his bet in the betting pool the office had quietly going on behind Xander's back.  Not that the demon community didn't.  They had a bet about who Xander was going to date and warp next.  Apparently they thought he had done it a bit too much to Anya or something.


Xander looked at the demon who screamed and was coming at him with a knife.  He had gotten off base to handle a minor, no stress possible, case with his team.  To his surprise, before he could move, Calleigh had her gun out and was pointing it at the demon, who had stopped to stare at her.  "Calleigh, why did we bring a gun?" he asked patiently.  "Usually that's my job."

"Because there's people who want to kill you, Xander.  I'm not going anywhere unarmed in case they come for me to get you."  She glared at the demon.  "What do you think you're doing?"

"He is going to die," the demon shouted.

"No, he's not.  Not while I'm here."  The demon tried to move on her but another one pounced it to beat it for her.  "Why thank you," she said, smiling at him.  "But you can't eat it.  We need to know who hired it.  Steven, take our wanna-be assassin here and get a statement for us please?"  The rotating third member of their team came over to grab the demon, the other one following.  It'd get the thing in a while as a snack.

Xander looked at the horrified demons.  "We know you're peaceful.  She's not going to use them on you.  Just to protect herself."

She swatted him on the back of the head.  A useful thing she had learned from Tony.  "And you, Xander."  She sat down with a smile.  "I didn't mean any disrespect but with that senator hiring people to take out Xander we have to be a bit more careful."

"We can understand that. You did try to hide it from our view.  We thank you for that," the clan leader said.  She smiled at him.  He looked at Xander.  "These four are the ones we called you about, Harris."  He pushed over pictures.  "It is our way to be peaceful in all things but these two have joined a demon gang and these two have for no reason we could find started to torture a friend's pet.  We have locked them up but we can find no reason.  Magic doesn't work well on us so we don't think it's that."

Xander smirked.  "Some magic will always work but it's fairly powerful.  Let me get Dawn here so we can examine them."  That got a nod.  He called.  "Dawn, me.  Get to my case.  Yes you can, Dawn.  No, that's fear.  Get here.  We have uber peaceful demons going psycho like Spenser would deal with."  He hung up.  Dawn needed a good kick to get back to herself anyway.


Dawn hung up and sighed, testing her magic.  It still hurt.  She tried to open a portal but it burned in her stomach, making her wince and stop.  "I can't do that," she said, texting Xander that she was still burning from the overuse.

"As one novel said, ground and center, girl," a demon pretending to be a young girl said, appearing to her.

Dawn looked at her.  "Huh?"

"Ground and center.  It's a fundamental lesson."

Dawn considered it.  "I didn't....  Oooh.  Oops."  She concentrated, finding her center of balance and her connection to the earth.  It snapped back into place and she did feel better.  Like her powers were back.  Before she had been reburning her interior reserves.  Now she knew why.  She smiled at the demon.  "Thank you.  Did you need help?  I can get one of the agents."

The demon laughed.  "They're not my type, child."  She stared at her, then smirked.  "Remember the words of your elders and the past events that made you into who you are today.  That's why you work and how you make things more interesting when they do their jobs."  She disappeared.

Dawn looked up.  "Thank you but we don't like the pawn gaming thing that someone has going on.  Next time please be less cryptic.  I'm not Angel."  She sighed and mentally cast the portal spell, making it work this time.  "I didn't reconnect," she told him, giving him a hug.

"Of course you didn't. You were scared that it'd hurt more," he agreed, staring at her.  "Better?"

"Much.  I feel much better.  Happier again too."  She looked at the pictures.  "Let me at 'em."

"We need to check them for magic."

She nodded, being led to the room where the four demons were waiting.  She cast the checking charm, then smirked.  "No obvious human style magic."  The leader moaned, shaking his head and muttering how he knew it to be so.  "But there is a bit of chaos and demonic magic giving them a nudge."  She walked around one, exposing the magic to them.  "As you can see."

Xander stared at what she lit up.  "Isn't that the demon that we got rid of due to that wish I made to Anya?"

"I think so, yeah."

"Why?" Calleigh asked.  "Unless he did it to draw you out into the open."

"This isn't Xander's sort of case," Dawn pointed out.  "No threat of destruction or weapons."  She looked at them.  "I can't undo it but I might be able to counter it some."  Leo appeared, whispering in her ear.  "Really?  Would they?"  He nodded, going to get one of the teachers at his kind's magical school.  She appeared and looked at the magic, breaking the demon's hold on them.  "Thank you, Professor."

She smirked.  "I wish we had seen you as a younger one, Dawn."

"She's starting college this fall," Xander said, sounding proud.

"She'll do fine in her chosen role."  She patted Dawn on the cheek.  "You forgot a step," she said quietly.

"Oops, I forgot to filter.  Didn't I?"  She nodded.  "I'll do that tonight."

"Good girl."  She walked back to Leo's side.

"Dinner?" Leo suggested.

"Yeah, I can do that.  Spenser and I talked for a good, long time recently."

"Good."  He disappeared with the teacher.

Dawn smiled at the watching demons.  "Leo's a white lighter.  I trained under his charges."

"You are quite powerful," the clan leader agreed.  He smiled.  "What do we do with them now?"

"See if they're still tainted to the desires that the magic sent them after," Xander said.  "If so, perhaps you can find a way for them to get those urges out in a more socially acceptable way."  He grinned at him.  "If worst comes to worst and they're fully tainted by those new desires, send them to the Garilogos.  Have them trained."

He considered that.  "They would make good bodyguards since our skills do run that way," he agreed.  "That's not a bad idea."  He smiled.  "I thank you for your help."

"You're welcome."

Dawn gave him a short hug.  "I'm always happy to help when things like this happen."

"Thank you as well.  Are you staying for dinner?"

"Nah, we've gotta get back to base," Xander sighed.  "Daniel's paranoid about that senator coming after me again."

"He said you're not allowed to gas up the truck either," Calleigh said dryly.  "Just in case you run into another massive pipeline of weapons and smuggling."

He scowled at her.  "They pulled in after us.  They should've realized it since it was an official SUV and had the agency's marks on the side.  All I did was look up from pumping gas as they pulled in."

Dawn snickered at the clan leader's confused look.  "Xander was handling a poltergeist up by the Canadian border and ran into a pair with a charmed car that ended up turning into a massive smuggling ring."

"I've heard about those busts.  Some things are going to be much more expensive now."

Xander shrugged.  "Then next time do it more legally or don't get caught."

"Good point."  He smiled as they headed off together.  "Now I know why Mother's fruits have doubled."

"They've found the major Canada to Mexico line," his second-in-command told him.  "None of the smaller ones but they were stupid if they saw him or the SUV and pulled in beside them to pump their own gas.  Probably arrogant youth like these, Leader."

"Possibly."  He stared at them then sighed.  "Test them.  If not, we'll set up a training arrangement with the training clans."  He walked off to tell his mother about that.  She had fussed for days about her groceries getting more expensive.  Not that they really minded them busting the ring.  He had heard that they had found a lot of weapons.


Xander walked into the main building.  "I didn't find a new case," he called into the office as he walked past it.

"We're all very happy about that," Daniel called.  "Go see House."

"Crap."  Xander walked that way, going down on the elevator.  He walked into the infirmary.  "I'm a good boy.  I didn't even find another case while we were helping the peaceful demons with their kids who were magiced into tough guys."

"Congrats," Chase said dryly.

"Did something come up bad in the blood work House did?"

"A bit but nothing too critical.  It's time for your six-month check up so he can go over it.  He'll be right back.  He's raiding the caf."

"That's cool."  He sat down.  "Are all the girls okay?"

"Most are fine.  Brenda's had bad heartburn all day because the baby wanted sweet peppers according to her."  Xander grinned.  "John faithfully gathered for her.  Another of the slayers decided that she wanted to be a mother some day watching what was going on."

"Do I need to have a subtle talk about not being a teenage parent?" he asked.

"I already did.  She agreed it'd be a sucky outcome."  House strolled in with a plate of goodies on top of his coffee cup.  "He's back and didn't find a new major case."

"That's good.  The boss might've beaten him if he did."  He nodded at his office so Xander went that way.   The kid even held the door for him.  "Thank you."  He sat down and put his goodies down then put his feet up.  "Overall you're pretty good.  There's a few signs that you're getting stressed again.  There's also that nagging triglyceride number.  Not too badly high but still a bit high.  The rest of your cholesterol looked okay so watch the pork rinds and other blatantly fatty things for a bit?"

"Yes, House.  Anything like a poison?"

"Not that I could see.  Not unless she gave you something to make you totally healthy.  That lingering cough that you had from the smoke inhalation that was making your running times slower last fall is gone totally.  Which I would've expected back then but you basically got off the bed and went back to work immediately."  He gave him a look.  "On another note, someone sent me an email suggesting you and the wombat out there should get together.  Said it'd be good for you.  That way you'd have your own doc to patch you up immediately after a case.  I figured they knew something about your last one so I had you sent down this time," he finished with a smug look.

"I tripped and scraped my knee but otherwise I'm okay.  But I'll lay off the cheetos and the burgers when I'm out and about."

"Good.  You should be okay with cutting back, kid."  He stared at him.  "Anyone cute?"

"No, and no bad girls so that means that taint isn't working this time," he said happily.  "That assassin was my usual bad girl drawing power instead of that special bad girl magnet power."

"Good.  So...  I heard there's a board in Vegas that's taking bets on who you'll warp by dating next?"

Xander grimaced.  "I heard about that.  You might wanna warn Chase that they think I already warped him without having to date him but that he's about third down the list right now.  Dean had to counter he was dating Faith, not me."

"You don't mind it?"

Xander shrugged.  "They're looking for odd things to bet on because they're that bored I'm guessing.  Though, the one guy who has a longshot bet of me dating John Winchester is going to be highly disappointed when Dean tells his dad about that."  House snickered.  "Otherwise, it's all in fun.  I know demons are watching.  They have one on when Buffy's going to date another bad guy again too."

"If you're sure.  Someone told General Jack and he went to have a headache for a whole day."

"Plenty of beings, demonic and not, think that General Jack already has a boyfriend.  That's why he has his job."

"Good point.  I'm not so sure they're not."

Xander shrugged.  "If they are, I'm cool with it.  If not, I'm cool with it.  Doesn't impact me unless they have one of their rare shouting matches outside again."

He nibbled on a donut, seeing the pathetic look.  "I said cut down, not out.  I know you'd die without chocolate."  Xander beamed.  "You need to start taking days off again, kid."

"I will.  Or go out the last day before we come back on a case or something."

"That might get you a new one."

"No, I totally surprised the boards by going on a date with a woman who didn't turn evil.  Only one person bet that I could do it.  He won about six mil from all the bets about how evil my next girlfriend would turn."  He walked out looking smug.  "I'm nearly perfect in every way," he announced to Chase.

Chase gave him an odd look.  "You're stranger than normal.  Are you sure you're not delusional?"

"No, but the demons betting on who I'll end up with think you're higher in the running.  They've got you third.  Right after Sam and Tony.  Right before Speed and Ryan too."

Chase shook his head quickly.  "No.  I don't think so."

"Hey, tell the bookies in Vegas," he said dryly, strolling out.  He went up to Danny's office.  "She didn't poison me.  He worried because someone said I should date Chase to have my own personal doc.  So I told him where he was on the board that's betting on who I end up with permanently.  Strangely enough there's no women on the board and you're not on there.  Almost every agent is.  Sheppard is, but he's lower down at the moment."

Daniel looked at him.  "The demon casino  has a betting board about who you'll end up with?" he asked.



"They said I did win one guy nearly six mil.  I did the impossible.  I didn't have to pull my gun on a case, shout on a case, get violent on a case, or protect myself on a case for a month.  I didn't have to pull any weapons to defend anyone.  And I dated a nice girl who stayed a nice girl even after going out and having sex with me."  He beamed.  "Though Dean's going to find the guy who bet that I'd date his dad and talk to him soon."  He strolled off to do his own report.  Then he came back.  "By the way, there is a very tiny, four bet, board that's wondering when you and a certain general are going to announce that you're adopting."  He went back to his desk.

Daniel burst out laughing.  "You're joking, right, Xander?" he called.

"Nope!  Like half the people at your last job, they've decided you don't need to look.  That's why you're not on mine."

Daniel got up to talk to Jack.  He needed to share this headache.  "Jack, the demon casino is betting on us."

He looked over.  "Half the universe thinks that we're together for *some* reason, Danny boy.  What else is new?"

"They're betting on when we'll announce adopting some spawn."

"Ah.  Charming."

"But I'm not on the board betting on who Xander will end up with."

"That's probably a good thing," he agreed dryly.   "Anyone I should warn that they're on there?"

"Sheppard's lower on the scale.  He said someone bet on John Winchester too."

"I'll make sure he knows it.  That way he can hit on a girl down here."  He went to find  Sheppard.  The military guys were running drills on the back forty of the base.  He found him in the command post, tapping him on the shoulder and nodding outside.  Sheppard came out, giving him an attentive look.  "The demon casino in Las Vegas has you listed on a bet."


"Apparently you're lower in the stakes but some people think that Xander might end up with you in a more permanent fashion."

"That'd really blow Don't Ask Don't Tell, sir," he said dryly.

"Yes it would," he agreed. "Not that I care....."  Sheppard nodded.  "But this is to let you know that people are betting that you'll be calming him down sometime soon."

"I'll go find a cute woman my next time off base, General.  Thank you."

"Welcome, kid."  He walked off happier.  He ran into a scowling Winchester.  "Tell your dad that someone thinks he should date Xander?" he asked Dean.

"Hell no!"  He shuddered.  "That'd get my ass killed.  Where is Xander anyway?"

"Back.  Apparently without any complications."

"That's odd."  He shook his head.  "If you wanna tell Dad, go ahead."

Sam leaned out of the armory.  "I printed down the current odds and left it in Dawn's room."  He gave him a smug look.  "There's *no* women on that betting board."

"Who's tops?" Dean asked.  "I know I threw a fit with one when I heard I was on it."

"Tony and I are tied right now.  Apparently we put up with the happy, bouncy moods."

Dean walked off rubbing his forehead.  "I don't know how Xander can give headaches when he's not even there," he muttered as he walked off for a nap.  He ran into Brenda, who gave him a hug.  "Thanks, Brenda.  Get the list off Dawn's bed and hand it to Dad so he can rant at you?"

She cackled.  "I saw that and we've already told him.  He's in town at the bar."

"That's not a bad idea.  It's Sunday....."  He walked off to get his keys.  That's a better idea than a nap.  Liquor would definitely take those bad thoughts out of his head.

She bounced over to hug Sam.  "Can I help?"

"I'm only doing a crossbow check.  Anna's had her string snap."

"I can help."

"Okay."  They went to finish checking the slayer weapons.  Brenda was clearly bored.  "Did you do your research paper?" he asked when they were done.

"Oops."  She ran off to get it.

"Slow down!  You're going to give her a concussion and she barely has a brain," he called after her.  She did slow down and grin back at him.  He went to find someone else.  Tony was staring at the newly put up list.  "I see someone posted it."

"Dawn."  He looked at him.  "We should yell."

"I'm considering it a compliment even though I lost twenty bucks on my bet that Xander's last female date would go bad."

"She didn't?"

"No.  He went out last weekend with a very nice young woman who's still a good girl."

Tony gave him an odd look.  "Are we sure it was Xander?"

"Yeah.  He went out with the new science teacher at the high school."

"Wow.  That probably even helped him get over that whole shapechanger thing too."

Sam nodded.  "Probably.  Only one guy bet that she'd stay a good girl even after having sex with him."

A few heads looked up at that.  "What are we talking about?" Horatio asked.

"There's a bet going at the demon casinos about which of us Xander will end up with in a more permanent manner.  Dean had to yell his way off the list since he pointed out he's dating Faith."

"Where am I on it?" Calleigh asked.

"There's no women on the list, Calleigh."

"Really?"  She came over to look, giggling.  "Speed's fourth.  Why is Chase above him?"

"They're cute together when they hit the grocery store," Tony said.  "I put up with Xander in a bouncy, babbling mood.  Sam and Xander go out together all the time.  I'm kinda glad the boss isn't on here."

"Gibbs was down to only one vote and Daniel's thought to be already committed," Sam told him.  "I asked."

"Really?"  He looked at the last page of the list and nodded.  "Wow.  Is your father having a migraine?"

"At the bar with Dean.  Dean walked off just now after hearing Xander's last one was still normal."

"Yeah, I can see why."  He let the others see the list.

"I'm cute with Xander but not that much," Ryan complained.

"You also haven't dated," Eric pointed out.  He was down in the one or two votes section he was sure.  "How many do I have?"

"Six."  Eric looked over.  "You're in the longshot category.  Tony's got nearly a thousand bets and Sam's just under him by a few.  Then Chase, Speed, me, Horatio, Connor, Wesley, Sheppard, and a few others.  McKay's not on here so apparently they know he and Abby are serious.  The trio's not on here at all that I can see."

"Mac had one vote but they changed it," Sam told him.  Mac groaned and shook his head from his seat.  "Most demons don't want to break up already established things."

"That's probably a good thing," Tony agreed.  "Poaching makes you a bad guy."

"Why not choose one of the slayers?" Stella asked.

"Xander's past with women is fairly filled with bad girls," Calleigh reminded her.

"Oh, yeah.  Huh.  Maybe some of you guys should go visibly date?"

"I have been," Tony said.  "They still think I'd do it for him."

Xander strolled in and looked at the list.  "They upped your bet, Sam.  You're at number one as of about an hour ago.  One of the demon newspapers called to ask me about why you went up.  They were basing it on how we went on that poltergeist case together."

"I was bored," he complained.

Xander shrugged.  "I don't think they care.  Where's Dean?  I was going to tinker since I don't have anything on my desk but ..."  He looked.  "That envelope?"  He opened it then smirked, walking out to hand it to Daniel.  "Here, you can handle that if you want.  That way you don't have to worry about me sleeping with the next assassin."  He strolled out, heading up to their lab for tinkering.  It was in use so he got what he needed and left to find somewhere more private.  Some of McKay's geeks were rude and nasty and they were all nosy little brats.  He should suggest that Abby spank them for bad behavior.  He ran into Faith.  "I'm going to make new toys."

"Where's Dean?"

"Don't know.  Ask Sam.  He was in the squad room."

She nodded, heading that way.  Danny and Don were having a quiet argument over something in the halls.  So she thoughtfully pushed Danny into Don, making him catch him and her smirk.  "Kiss him and get over it.  Remember, the world could end any day if the slayers take the week off."  She found Sam coming out with a new cup of coffee.  "Where's Dean?"

"Getting drunk in town with Dad thanks to the betting board that has Dad and others ending up with Xander."


"The demon casino is taking bets about who Xander ends up with.  Dean had to yell his way off the list.  I posted it upstairs."

She went to look it over, cackling at some of their choices.  "Clearly not based on reality," she decided, strolling off.  She could play by herself for a bit.  Then pounce Dean to make his hangover feel better tomorrow.  Binky intercepted her so she went to play with her for a bit too.  The unicorns were really bored today too.  It was a boring day on base if you weren't cataloging weapons from the last pipeline bust.


Xander looked at the few names that he hadn't seen before on the list, then over at Sam since they were in the slayers' living room waiting on them for some pre-dinner fun.  "Who's Bobby Singer?"

"One of the hunters we work with a lot.  He's an older guy but he's pretty nice.  Really into research.  Faith and Brenda both like him.  Why?" he asked, still engrossed in his current book.

"There's six votes for me doing him."

Sam looked up slowly, giving him an odd look.  "Excuse me?"  Xander handed over the laptop, letting him see it.  His betting had gone up again.  Bobby and a few other hunters he knew were now on the list.  "Hey, there's a female on the list, but I doubt Jo's your type."  He shook his head and handed it back.  "Don't try it, Xander."

"Fine.  I notice the two demons on the list are still on there."

"Both higher ones too," Sam agreed, going back to his book.  "I looked them up.  They're not on the happy camper scale with us.  I guess they expect you to fix that for the agency."

Xander snickered.  "Or they expect me to take up their generous offer to help me with something?"

"Possibly," he agreed.  "Since there's so few bets, they probably made them themselves to point out their interest."

"No thanks.  Not into begging for favors that way."  He went back to looking over the names.  "After you posted it, how many people went to have a drink?"

"Most of the Miami crew complaining about how Speed needed to date someone nice very soon.  Including Alexx.  They're at her place tonight for a cookout.  Stella is with them.  Mac, Danny, and Don are talking about their last fight tonight.  I don't know what happened but Danny and Don were having one of their arguments in the hallway."

"Probably over that Xander for a day medal someone gave him.  Who I really should spank," he decided with a grin.  He looked up as Faith stopped in front of him.  "They did take Dean off the list."

"Good."  She looked it over, then shook her head.  "Bobby's a nice older guy but I think you'd kill him in bed and drive him nuts otherwise."

"Could be," Xander agreed dryly.  She poked him on the forehead.  "I don't know.  I'm just finding it funny."

"It's nice that this is making a whole lot of agents go find someone new to date," she decided, poking Sam too.  He looked up with a grin.  "The girls are bored."

"We were waiting on them to come down to play board games."

"I think we're too bored for that too," she admitted.

Sam checked his watch.  "It takes two hours to get to the amusement park.  It'll be closed by then."


"Unless Dawn's feeling really generous," Sam added.

Faith beamed, going to get the slayer credit card from Wesley and tell the girls.  Dawn was bored too.  They all portaled to the nearest amusement park.  "Ladies, let's behave and be good," Xander ordered.  "No getting into trouble.  If you ruin my good time you won't be sitting for weeks.  Then Dean and John get you."  They all nodded.  He led the way to the ticket booth, putting down the card.  "Boredom trip," he said at the awed look.  "Nothing's going on around the base."

She gave them the group discount since there were so many.  Then the girls stormed the park and went to find something fun to do.  The older guys, clearly the chaperones, followed, going to their own fun once the credit card was hidden again.  She went on break to tell her boss that the base was there to play tonight.  Maybe he'd move the fireworks up.  The slayers liked explosions, right?


Daniel walked into dinner, staring at the empty table.  "Are the girls all grounded?"

House shook his head.  "I went to pull Dawn out for a random check of how she's healing.  One kindly left a note.  Bored, going to have fun, have Xander and Sam with us."

"I have the feeling that they descended on an amusement park," Daniel said dryly.

"Probably," House agreed.  He texted Xander that he had to remember to eat tonight.  He laughed.  "Xander said all the girls are junk food'd out and he had funnel cake for dinner."  Daniel groaned, shaking his head.  "But they'll clean up any leftovers later he was sure."  He put his phone back.  "They're at the amusement park that's nearest.  The small one instead of the major, commercial one that you see advertized."

"That's good to know," Daniel said.  "Someone tell me if you have to go save the slayers."  He looked at the other empty spots.  "Cases?"

"Drinking,"  House said bluntly.  "Sam posted the list of who should date Xander."

"Yeah, that'd do it for me too.  Jack's off having a few beers with Sheppard while they watch the stars tonight."  He got dinner to go, heading out to join them.  The cook was pleased that everyone had taken off for the night.  She had even fixed things to go drinking on so you could soak up the liquor with the food.

House smirked at Chase.  "When are you going to take him out for a test drive?"

"When I suddenly like blokes," he said patiently.  "Since I don't....  And before then I'd hit on Doctor Wilson."  He smirked at House's growl.  "He could use someone nice who'd be supportive of his practice."

"I don't think Wilson's willing to change teams suddenly, Kangaroo."  He walked off with his dinner to call him.  He hadn't talked to him recently and he kept avoiding coming out.  Maybe he'd have Dawn steal him for a few days.

Chase smirked at his evil plan to be left alone tonight.  It had worked well and Wilson knew House was going to be calling tonight.


Sam looked at the gathered slayers.  "Anyone see Xander?" he called.  They all shook their heads.

Dawn looked at her phone then texted him.  She smirked at the one she got back.  "He's found a cute girl he's chatting up.  He'll be back by shift tomorrow, Sam."  She opened a portal, letting the tired girls head back to their rooms for the night.  They had worn themselves out running all over the park.

Sam texted Xander and waved at Dawn.   "We'll call."  She nodded, closing the portal.  He went to where Xander was chatting with the girl, finding one of his own.  It was nice to get off base and he needed some new friends too.  Or some stress relief at the very least.  He still wasn't used to being the big brother.


Tony sighed as he looked at the slayer table the next morning.  Dean and John were gulping coffee and toast to calm their stomachs.  Like a few other agents were.  "Guys, where's Sam and Xander?"

Abby glared at him.  "I got a flash vision of them having twins in a bathroom.  Other than that I think they're having fun."

Dean nodded, looking disgusted.  "They're being careful, but yeah.  They went to play with some women last night."  John growled.  "They apparently needed it, Dad."  He looked at Tony again.  "I know Xander's back.  I could hear him snoring when I got up.  Sammy wasn't in his bed so I don't know if he's on Xander's couch or not.  I didn't break in to look."

Tony sighed, going to check on them.  Cases would start coming in soon.  He found Sam in Xander's bed and no Xander.  He poked Sam, getting a bleary, tired look.  "Where's your partner in stress relief?"

"Hmm, talking about the agent who was pretending to be a pro so she could fulfill the contract on his life.  The nice officers decided not to arrest him for it, just her.  Then she pulled her badge and they got confused.  Xander stayed to help clear up stuff.  What time is it?"


"Crap."  He got up with a groan, looking at himself.  "I'll shower after I eat," he muttered, pulling on his clothes from last night.  He'd ignore the lipstick prints on his chest for now.  Tony gave him a worried look.  "It was stress relief.  We needed a night off too, Tony."  He walked out with him, locking Xander's door behind him.  Those lock picking skills came in handy now and then.  He stumbled all the way to the caf and sat down, taking Dean's coffee to sip at.  "Food?  Any left?" he asked the nearest slayer.  The girls would take good care of him no matter how fuzzy his head was.

"Son, should we have a talk about how you do not do stupid shit?" John demanded.

Sam looked at him.  "Shut up, Dad.  Not like you bitch Dean out for it."  He grabbed the plate Mary made him.  "Thanks, squirt."  He dug in, eating heartily.  "Classes are going to run late so I can shower."

Tony had told Daniel in a hiss what had happened.  Daniel looked over.  "Sam, which officers have Xander?"  Dean and John both choked.  "He's not in trouble.  Yet."

Sam looked up.  "She approached him.  The cop saw it all and waited until Xander was done to come arrest her, Daniel.  Then she pulled her badge because she knew she'd get in trouble for not following through on the contract to take him out."  He ate another bite of egg.

"So he screwed his way out of another assassination attempt?" Stella demanded.  Sam beamed and nodded.  "Where were you?"

"Guarding him."  He grinned.  "But not participating."

"Ohkay then," she decided.  She shuddered.  "Is he in trouble for renting the wannabe assassin-slash-agent?"

"Nope.  They said they don't usually arrest johns.  Just the working girls."  He ate another bite.  "I figured it was sexist of them but I wasn't going to complain at that point."

She smirked.  "I can see why."  Xander strolled in wearing the same clothes.  "Feel better?"

"Yes, I do.  She admitted to their Internal Affairs officer which higher agent told her to come kill me.  They can trace that back and I gave them Fornell's number since she had been FBI.  Hopefully this'll trace all the way back to the idiot in charge."  He looked at Daniel.  "I'm not in trouble for renting attention or getting it in the clubs.  I was very safe, Daddy, and I was a good boy all night.  They're all very nice and still not bad girls...well, except for the former agent I guess, and she said I made her want to be a good girl for me again.  But anyway, I'm not in trouble and their boss said that it was unfair that we were so far in the middle of nowhere since he wanted to set me up with his sister.  So it's still not my bad girl drawing power from that demon taint, just my normal one."  He beamed and got breakfast to go.  "I'll check my desk after I shower."

"Did you get any sleep?" Sam asked.

"No but I'm good.  I had a snickers bar."  He beamed on his way out the door.

Daniel shook his head.  "How does he do that?" he asked House.

House shrugged.  "I don't know.  I've rented attention before but never from an agent who wanted to kill me and turned her back into a good girl again."  He stuffed his mouth before Abby could bop him on the arm for it.

"Xander's very unique," Abby reminded him, bopping House anyway.  "And aren't we all glad?  Because he could be twins or triplets or even quints."

"Abby, it's too early for bad thoughts," Tony complained.

"Fine."  She dug in again.  She was starved.  Rod had kept her up half the night talking about his newest idea between bouts of sex.

House looked at her.  "Do you think you two could set up a white noise generator?" he asked.  "Just so I don't have to hear you squeal over physics again?"  She blushed, ducking her head.  "I don't mind the normal squealing but squealing over particle physics gave me nightmares of your future kids."

She gave him a hug.  "I can do that."  She went back to eating quickly.  She had to tell Rod they had kept House up again.


Daniel answered the video call, nodding at the president.  "Yes, sir?"

"Doctor Jackson, how did your man find a ring of agents who subbed as assassins?" he asked patiently.

"He was out renting attention last night.  One of them pretended to get close to him."

"Ah.  He can'"

"He did, sir.  He just needed some stress relief afterward apparently.  He said she propositioned him and he's not in trouble for it.  Apparently the local officer was nice enough to let him have some fun before he arrested her, which was when she announced she was an agent and he made her want to be a good girl again."

The president gave him a long stare.  "Send him somewhere it's legal for vacation?"

"The last time I did that, Xander came back with a realm, sir.  He does date, when he finds someone nice, but he's all for stress relief when he needs it.  He's of the play hard-work hard school of thought I think."

"Make him take a vacation, Daniel."

"Sir, with that contract it's not safe," he complained.  "Even then it won't help all that much since one of the demon casinos has a betting pool going about which agent he'll end up with permanently."

"I don't need to hear that," he complained.

Daniel shrugged.  "It made a number of us take last night off if we didn't have overnight call, sir."

"Had a run on tylenol for the hangovers?" he asked blandly.

"Yes, sir, we did.  Me too actually."

"I can see why.  Let him take a vacation now since you're so slow.  Maybe he'll come back without a case this time."

"He said last time they pulled in after he was already pumping gas in an official vehicle.  It had the agency logo on the side and everything."

"Stupid of them," he decided.  "Send all your problem people on a two week leave, Daniel.  I'm sure you can handle it without him."

"Of course I can but can some other town handle it when someone tries to take that contract, sir?"

"Then send him out in a group."

"I did that his first vacation, with Dean and Sam Winchester.  They were bored in Vegas so he went into that demonic D&D game, sir."

He groaned.  "Fine.  Send him to Antarctica then or something.  Just let him go be quiet and happy somewhere that the press won't hear."

"How did they hear about that?"

"The FBI press person announced that one of your agents had found a ring of people taking assassination contracts.  They were presently arresting the last few this morning.  Which means they'll have the last few next week."

Daniel smirked.  "At least he didn't turn this one evil, sir.  He has that bad habit now and then."

"I don't want to know," he complained, hanging up on him.  He went to take some tylenol for himself.  DCIS gave him such headaches but it was nice all the goofball, sarcastic, and pain in the head agents were together now.  No more infecting normal agencies.  He'd have to make sure whoever followed him kept them all there and together.

Daniel got up, heading out to the squad room.  "I was just ordered by the president that all agents who gave others headaches were to take a *quiet* vacation somewhere they wouldn't get press attention for finding a ring of assassinating agents inside the FBI."

"I don't have that many vacation days, I needed some for sick time after Georgia," Xander said.  "But I'll stay on base to stay out of trouble."  He grinned sweetly.

"It's not just you but you can have a few days if you want.  We can borrow ahead."

"Then I'll end up getting majorly sick," Xander said dryly.  "I'll stay on base out of trouble."

"The president didn't like your rental scheme last night," he told him.

Xander shrugged.  "He goes to the one in Alexandria.  What do I care?"  He gave him a dirty look.  "My dick is none of his concern.  Besides, now I don't need a vacation.  I need a certain senator to leave me alone.  For good."  He got back to work.  "But by all means, send Tony on one.  He hasn't had a real vacation in a while."

Tony grinned.  "Nice sucking up attempt, Xander, but it won't let me let you go on that arms bust next week."

Xander stuck his tongue out.  "It's my case.  If you try to divert it around me you'll need someone who knows artillery, which means pulling Jack from the armory and then he'll be exposed and have to deal with the same cranky person who clearly needed a weekend off as well.  Mac's good and Horatio's good, but this is current military issue weapons being sold."

"By?" Mac asked.

"A few of the dealer clans I know.  That's why they called me."  He got up and gave Daniel a hug on his way out the door.  "Be back in a few days, boss.  Gotta go save some demonic pawn shop guys from selling things that're being offered to them."

"Stay out of trouble and off the news," he called after him.

"I always try.  You guys are the ones who spread it around when I've had problems on a case," he called back, waving over his shoulder.  He walked into the yard, looking at the girls doing PT.  He cleared his throat.  "I'm going to Cleveland on a case."  They all groaned.  "Behave or else."

"Yes, Xander," they called then grinned.

"Need slaygal support?" Faith called.

"Nope.  Dealer clans are being offered stuff."  He went to get keys and a bag from his apartment, heading for the airport.  He could take a normal flight this time.  It wasn't a team case and they only had one plane around the base.

Dean shook his head.  "Someone warn them he's going to be local for a case, but it's not bad."

Dawn texted that and then got back to her pushups.  She still hated PT but it was good for her.  Plus it gave her a body the guys liked to look at.

"Mind out of the gutter," Sam said as he walked past.

"Freaky, creepy powers off, Sammy," Dean called after him.  "Dawn, mind out of the gutter."

She smirked.  "It wasn't that close to it."  She got back to work.  "I think it's because the girls were staring at him not wearing a shirt.  We hardly ever see Sam without a shirt on."

"True."  Dean looked after him.  "Must be needing something for a cut."  He shrugged and watched them get back to it.  A few of the military guys were getting ready for their time with him.  "Don't you guys start training with Sammy today?"  They all groaned and nodded.  "We can switch PT back so you can do it afterward if you want."

"We'll have headaches then," one told him.

"Better to do it now," Sheppard agreed.  "Then we'll clear our minds somehow later on."  The girls finished up and stretched, giving them the practice yard to work out in.  Sheppard looked around.  "PT!" he bellowed.  The others who were missing came running.  He did a head count.  "We're missing another three people not in the infirmary?"

"Sir, they're in the testing area helping move things for the botanists," one said.

"Fine.  They can do a jog afterward.  Get to it."  He got into line to do his own.  He needed to.  He'd get fat with all the decent food and lack of life-threatening exercise he had down here.


Buffy called Wesley's desk.  "Hey, Wes, where's Xander?"  She listened.  "No, he sent the artillery back through a contact of Gibbs', who's here, and then he seemed to disappear.  No, like we blinked and he was gone.  I was kinda hoping that Dawnie stole him for a problem out there."  She grimaced.  "No, huh?  Well, call around.  See who wanted him to date them this time."  She sighed.  "Really?  Not bad at all?  Wow.  What possessed him this time?"  Gibbs snickered at that.  "Did you know that Xander dated a girl who wasn't bad and didn't turn bad afterward?"

"The new science teacher.  He was getting over that Ms. French thing."

"Wow.  And therapy too.  Maybe Spenser's going to become a God in some strange psychology blighted pantheon.  Oh, well.  If you find Xander let us know."  She hung up.  "He has no idea where he might be either."

"Have you tried to call him?"

"I got voicemail."

"Damn."  He called Daniel.  "It's Gibbs.  Harris was here and now he's vanished.  We have no idea.  His phone's going to voicemail.  Buffy's not sure.  Literally looked away then back and he was gone, yeah.  No clue.  Thanks, Jackson."  He hung up.  "He'll call around to see if any of their contacts might have him."

"That's good.  Though it's still mean that he didn't let us play with the artillery."  She walked him off.  "Do you like uptight budget woman?"

"She'll relax soon, Buffy.  I know the agency she worked for.  They were on a very tight budget.  We're not."  She nodded, accepting that.  Because the girls would drive her insane if she didn't lighten up soon.  She had even told them they couldn't go out for ice cream last night after patrol.  How fair was that?  Gibbs went over the local scouting reports, finding a few interesting things.  "Who're these, Buffy?  I haven't seen them before."

She looked then pointed.  "That one put himself on the betting board to date Xander.  The other two are his minions.  That one's about at D'Hoffryn's level but he's not so bad.  He was down looking for his son, who came down to date a human girl that he didn't approve of.  The other we had to write Thomas about.  He said he's harmless to us but to leave him alone before we annoy him and he sneezes us off the planet."

"Good to know."  He made those notes for Wesley and faxed them back.  Someone had to know that higher demons were in Cleveland without Rosenburg's help.


Xander walked out of the portal and sneered.  "Don't do it again.  I'll destroy you."  He pushed a button and they went boom.  The portal snapped shut and he walked off, handing their armory master the switch he had used since he was staring in confused horror at him.  "The Libyans said hi.  They're not happy.  Pity."  He went up to the main office, leaning in by bracing himself on the doorway.  "The Libyans decided I was a gun runner instead of an agent.  Pity but the guy I found over there who was JAG had an idea who to call to come get their shit.

"I just blew their compound once all their stolen and bought crap was missing.  The Libyans who had me were watching in cuffs.  When I muttered about wishing I had Bauer there they said to tell him hi, so I did on the way up, but they're in CIA custody.  They said they'd forward a report and they were very sorry I got kidnaped from Cleveland by an idiot among them who thought I'd be a good bargaining chip to get deeper into them to end them."  He walked off, heading down to the infirmary.  "House, I need some stitches," he called before walking in.  House was pulling on gloves and had a stitching pack out.  "Stupid idiots who thought I was a weapons dealer," he almost pouted.

House stared at him.  He would not throw a fit on the boy for being missing almost a week.  Everyone had been frantic but Xander was clearly stressed and angry.  Asking for stitches was almost like asking for a hug from him.  "Why are you covered in sand?"

"I was in Libya."


"They decided I was an arms dealer.  Well, someone in the CIA decided I was an arms dealer and gave me to them as a bargaining chip to get deeper into their graces so they could supposedly bust them down.  Pity."  House groaned.  "Danny knows.  Can I hose off down here?"

"Go for it.  We have scrubs that'll fit you."  Xander went to the decontam shower to do that.  House got him scrubs to wear so they could stitch him closed again.  He wasn't going to go anywhere near the main office until one of them came down for headache medicine.  He would give Xander the gentle attention he wanted though.  He'd even be nice and force the boy to let him use local anesthesia on him before doing his stitches.


Out in the armory, Jack called a friend.  "I heard my name invoked?" he asked dryly.  "Yes, I'm alive.  Doing good."  He closed the door before the giggling could carry through to cut into her ranting and screaming at him.  "Chloe, I'm fine.   Really.  No, I heard I got wished for by Agent Harris out of DCIS because someone on our side sold him to some Libyans?"  He listened to the rundown of that situation.  "That explains where he's been for the last week.  Yes, I do know Xander.  I worked with him on that bomb, remember?  He's a nice guy.  A bit warped but pretty decent.  He even gave me plans for a new bomb someone wanted him to build."

He listened.  "Is there any trouble coming his agency's way?  No, I'm not going to tell you where I am and this is a shielded line so don't even bother to do a trace."  He listened.  "No, I'm not coming back.  I'm kinda bored where I am but I'm helpful and needed.  Otherwise Harris would have to leave his normal job to take mine over."  He listened to her splutter.  "Good.  No, he's fine.  Looked like hell but walking and complaining.  Let me know if something's coming DCIS's way.  Because a few of the slayers are neat girls," he said, spotting Anna staring in there.  He shook his head so she stayed quiet.  "Thanks, Chloe.  Yeah, I'm having fun."  He hung up.  "What?"

"I need crossbow work and Gibbs is with Buffy."

"I can do that.  Let me talk to Daniel first.  Get stuff down there."  She nodded, grabbing her stuff to go down to the target area.  Jack jogged upstairs, finding him on a video call.  He waved from the doorway, making Daniel put them on hold.  "The agent who did it is in deep crap.  They said they're very sorry that they screwed with you and only political foot stomping like a teenage girl is going on.  Even the president was not happy and complained to the head of the CIA about his agent doing that.  Is Xander all right?"

"Stitches I think.  What happened?"

"An agent decided he'd be a good chip to bargain with since somehow the cartel they were going after decided he dealt and sold weapons instead of busted weapons pipelines.  The agent heard them wondering about him so he procured him and gave him as a gift to get deeper in their graces.  Supposedly he was working his way inside to bust them."  Daniel nodded once at that.  "Xander threw a girl fit.  A loud, hopping and screaming girl fit.  Not even Mary can throw a fit like that sort of fit.  They tried to beat him into submission but he managed to get free and hide in their compound for a few days.  He got another person free and they contacted their contacts since he was JAG.  The JAG guy got someone there to bust the compound and the weapons.  Xander then blew up the compound once everyone and everything was out of it."  He smirked.  "At first they were going to be nice and offer him a daughter for an alliance marriage.  They didn't like that he said no."

"Uh-huh.  Who's going to complain?"

"No one unless they're stupid.  The agent who handed him over is headed to prison.  His boss who told him it was all right is going too."  He smirked evilly.  "Xander sent away the three demons that came to help him.  Said they weren't bad enough to need that sort of help."

"Over confidence is bad for him too," he sighed.

"They probably would've wanted something for the help, Daniel."

"Maybe.  Fine.  Any other cheery news?"

"He handed me the trigger he used."  He left, going down to their miniature range area to help Anna with her crossbow skills.

Daniel took the calls off hold, staring at the head of the CIA.  "How many years is your person going to get for selling my agent?" he asked dryly.  The man started to splutter.  "Life?  That's good.  That might save him from all those who like and respect Xander eating them."  He looked at the president.

"We're very sorry, Daniel.  If we had any idea we would have stopped it."

"It's a damn good thing that Xander's so resourceful, sir.  I'd hate to have the slayers go insane over this and go invade Libya to get him back.  Not that they won't invade to kick their butts now, but we can hopefully stop that one."

"If we had more information from them, it might help stop others," he offered.

"Xander waited until they got all the information and everyone out of there before he blew it up, sir.  Let's be thankful he turned down the demonic help that was offered or we'd have a lot of international calls coming your way for this."  The president blanched.  "They might've wanted him to trade favors later on so he turned them down and saved a JAG member who was also captive from what my people have heard."

"How did they hear so fast?" the head of the CIA sneered.

"Our armory master used to be a covert agent," he said smugly.  The man shuddered.  "He called to check.  That's why you went on hold."  He looked at the president again.  "Am I going to need to tell our doctors to give Xander any strange inoculations or to watch him in case he was drugged, sir?  We all know Xander will brush it off as nothing."

"You know, we could use someone with his skills and contacts in covert service," the president said smugly.

"Sir, his parents were drunks," he said bluntly.  "You won't get him to leave the slayers.  And if you try to force it somehow using this, he'll destroy people.  Then cackle and walk off to pick up a new bad girl to date."  The president shuddered.  "Leave my people alone, sir.  With all due respect, just let us do what we have to do.  You, the CIA, all of it.  If we have stuff for them, we'll forward it through a mutual source."  He hung up on them, leaning back to calm his temper down.  It would be bad to ask Jack to go blow up a building with one of their spaceships.  It really would.

Jack leaned in, looking at him.  "The kid's pouting at House why?"

"Someone in the CIA sold him as a bargaining chip to some Libyans.  Have....  Never mind, let me check on him."  He got up and walked off.  "Fargo, listen for my system to ring.  People are pissed that they tried to use Xander and got what was coming to them.  If they get snotty with you, threaten to send the slayers down their throats for getting Xander tortured."  He headed down in the elevator, coming out and walking up the hall to the infirmary.  He tipped Xander's face up.  "I'm glad you got free, Xander, but next time take the demonic help if you need it."  Xander nodded, staring at him.  "Do you need to talk about the torture stuff?  I've been there before you know."

"Nah, I'm good," he said quietly.  "But if they come back I get to spaz out and just kill them, right?"

"Yes you do.  Especially if someone wants you to go covert service like Jack was."  Xander shuddered.  "That's my agent."  He grinned at the boy.  "I'm glad you're all right and remember you can talk to me if you need to."

"They didn't try very hard, Danny.  I got worse from my father."

"I know."  He gave him a hug, letting the boy relax.  "You did good.  If we had known I would've let the slayers invade to get you back," he said quietly, cracking Xander up.  He pulled back to look at House.  "Just stitches and bruises?"

"So far.  He could probably use a few days off."

"The government probably took my vacation time for my time there," Xander said dryly.

"I'll make sure they didn't."  He ruffled his hair.  "Get a trim sometime soon, Xander.  It's getting long and shaggy."  He smiled then left him alone to check on his file in the system.  Which he had to reload and put back but that was fine.  He called Abby.  "I need you to deal with whoever took Xander's file out of the system.  Do whatever your little evil mind tells you to, Abby.  Because someone sold him to some Libyans and I won't have it."  He hung up on her swearing fit.  Yeah, she'd have fun and McGee would help her hack them.


Abby quit swearing, noticing Rodney was giving her horrified looks.  "Some *idiot* agent sold Xander to some Libyans and then took his file out of the official system.  Daniel told me to fix that for him."  She called a number.  "I need hackers."  She hung up and got to work finding who had done it.  She cackled evilly and got to work destroying them.  She had gotten to go over all the things that Willow had as well as learned other new ways of destroying things as a hacker over the years.

"Abigail, should I get you a Caf-Pow?" Rodney asked cautiously.

She pulled him closer to kiss.  "That'd be very sweet of you, Rod."  She grinned.  "Thank you for supporting me while I destroy someone."  He nodded and left quickly to warn others that she was going bad.  Surely Tony knew how to calm her down?
Tony and McGee came up a few minutes later with snacks and drinks for her.  "How bad are we making it?" Tony asked.

"So very, very bad.  They hurt the Xander!  They should pay!"

"They should," McGee agreed, coming over to help.  "I know he was walking."

"He's in the infirmary," Tony told him.  "Still walking but I think he needed stitches."  Abby growled and got to work on another site.  McGee winced at that and tried to help but she swatted him so he went back to her original hacking job to finish it for her.   McGee gave him a look so he called Gibbs.  "It's me.  We found Xander after the Libyans gave him back.  Some idiot agent thought he'd be a good chip, boss.  Fine, walking and in the infirmary but fine."  He listened.  "Abby's snarling while typing.  McGee's helping.  I got snacks.  Sure, thanks, boss."  He hung up.  "He said don't get caught, guys."  He left, locking them in there until their evil fix was done with.  "She won't be stopped until they beg, McKay.  They touched someone she likes as a little brother.  Remember this in case they ever try to hurt you.  You'll have to calm her down."  He went to get Xander.  "Hey," he said when he found him on a bed.  "Abby's hacking in revenge for taking you.  She's down to snarling and growling."

"I'll go thank her later."

"Try for sooner instead of really later?  Otherwise she might bring down that whole agency."

"I can do that."  He grinned slightly.  "I'm okay.  You can tell her that."

"Call and tell her that, Xander.  She's in scary mode over this."  He gave him a pat on the arm.  "Need anything to read?"

"I'm good.  I've had worse from vamps."

"Okay."  He smiled.  "Let us know if you need stuff."

"I'll make it to dinner.  Make sure the girls don't go spastic and help her."

"I'll tell Sam that."  He went to do that.  "We found Xander.  He's all right, needed a few stitches.  Abby's taking care of the vengeance duties," he said in Sam's ear.  "He said to keep the girls from going spastic about this."  Sam nodded, looking at him.  "He'll be fine."

"Good."  He went back to his teaching latin.

Tony went to talk to Daniel.  "You made her go so scary she creeped out McKay, boss."

"It'll be fine.  They're complaining that Xander got free."  He smirked.  "I'm about to order an air strike from the Dadelus."

"That'd be mean to the innocents there."

"Which is why I haven't yet."

"Good to know."  Tony went back to his desk wondering why he was in the alternate scary world all of a sudden.  Xander always had to travel or fall asleep to change realities.


Daniel walked out the next morning to meet the helicopter coming in to land.  The unicorns were watching it.  "Stay away from it, guys.  It can hurt you."  They bleeted and went running for Anna.  She'd protect them.  Anna peeked out of the armory.  "Keep them in there with you for now, Anna."

She looked at the helicopter then at him.  "It won't save them from being horned up the backside."  She closed them in.  Jack had disappeared.  She grinned.  "Good idea.  It's got a presidential seal," she called.  She went back to her gun cleaning lessons.

Daniel nodded politely when the president and his two guards got off the helicopter.  "Sir."

"Doctor Jackson.  Is there somewhere we can talk to the vengeance team you seem to have on staff that we don't have paperwork on?"

"Abby's in the lab, sir."  He smirked.  "She thinks of Xander like a little brother.  Xander's out of the infirmary and somewhere around here helping one of the girls with a personal problem."  He quirked up an eyebrow in a questioning look.  "We have one who's pregnant.  She started to have cramps so Doctor Chase said for Xander to help her work on her leg cramps.  He's probably in the slayer building but I can't be sure."

"That's fine.  I'll apologize to him in a minute, son.  Let's go calm down Miss Scuito, please?"

"Sure."  He led them up to the lab, tapping before walking in.  "Abby, visitor," he called when he didn't see her.  She leaned out of a closet, clearly half dressed.  "I'd redo the buttons," he mouthed, nodding at the guard behind him that she could see.

"Give me another minute.  Rod's looking at a scar on my back that's got some fluid swelling for some reason."  She slammed the door.

The president gave Jackson an amused look.  "Her and McKay?"

"Yes, sir.  They're very serious.  We're all looking forward to when she becomes a married lab goddess and starts to think about motherhood.  I've even volunteered to help teach the child languages."

The president shuddered.  "Those kids are going to be too smart for everyone," he muttered.

"Not that we consider that a problem," she said as she came out doing up her last button.  "Sorry but an old scar had some fluid swelling and I didn't want to bother the docs.  He was lancing it to relieve it before it got infected.  What can I do for you, sir?  Here to see what new things I've found forensically?"

He stared at her.  "No, Miss Scuito, I'm here to apologize to Agent Harris for that agent's stupidity and hoping I can talk you into not making any more agents' lives a living hell."

She shrugged.  "That depends on them, doesn't it," she said bluntly.  "Not like I told any of the demons who like and respect Xander, sir."

He shuddered.  "No but I do think they heard."

"Xander turned down offers of help from three of them thinking that they might want future favors in return," Daniel told him.  "Abby, can you find Xander for him to apologize to?  Last time I knew he was helping Brenda with her leg cramps."

"I can do that."  She bounced into her lab to call him.  "It's me.  The president and his two statues are here to apologize to you.  Up here.  Sure."  She hung up.  "It'll be a bit.  Brenda's having a crying fit on him.  She couldn't fit into her favorite outfit today."

"I remember my wife having that problem," one guard told her.  "Is she all right?"

"So far she's very healthy.  We're all making sure she's all right.  It's a mood swing.  They happen.  I'm not looking forward to them far in the future."  She smiled at Daniel.  "But if you want to teach me languages I wouldn't mind."

He smiled.  "I can do that.  You can join any of the language lessons, Abby."  Rodney walked in and got back to work.  "Sir, have you met Doctor McKay yet?"

"No, not yet, but I've heard about some of his work.  It's nice that you can work with us, son."

Rodney looked at him.  "It's not a problem, sir.  They needed my brilliance there."

"So I've heard.  Any idea if  your team can go back yet?"

"Not that we're aware of.  The remote monitoring we have up is still showing a high contamination of that air particle."

"That's fine then.  I'm sure we'll work it out by filtering or something."

"If we could get the shields to filter it out, it might help," Abby told him, getting a smirk back and he got to work figuring out how to do that.  "Good idea, sir.  It's good to know that you can do more than get along with foreign leaders."

The president gave her a dirty look.  "I do much more than that, young lady."

She smirked.  "We're all the way out here so we don't have to deal with politics," she reminded him.

"I can see how that'd be handy.  Even I try to get away from it now and then."  Xander walked in.  "Agent Harris, I'm here to apologize for the idiot's stupidity and for his boss too."

Xander stared at him.  "How many others got it, sir?" he asked quietly.  The Secret Service agents flinched.   "The JAG guy I freed was given the same way."

"We already apologized to him since he was local, son.  It won't happen again if I have a say about it."

Xander nodded.  "Then I'll accept."

"Did you have to blow it up after they were all arrested?"

"Yes.  That way no one else could use it and no one gets a bad idea about trying to follow the bad example."  He stared him down.  "Nothing says 'I'll gut you and play in your intestines if you try to do what they did' like blowing up everything they held dear.  Including their artwork collections.  Plus this means they only have the stuff you can confiscate in a bank account to get back on their feet and try again."

"Understood, son.  I know many agents who'd do the same thing."  He looked at him.  "Are you all right?"

"I've had worse from vampires and my own parents, sir.  Doesn't make it right."  He looked at Daniel.  "Why don't I have any work?"

"House said you can't work today.  You need to rest."

"I'm fine!"

"I don't care.  Go argue with House.  He put you on medical leave, Xander."  He nodded, going to do that.  He looked at the president.  "As long as it doesn't happen again I'm sure we'll all be more than happy to let those people who did it turn themselves in so they can take deals to go to a nicer prison than Gitmo, sir."

"Point, Jackson," he said blandly, giving him a look.  "He's already going to jail.  So is his boss."

"We found these others that it's been done to," Abby said, handing over a list.  "We don't know if they're still able to be saved, sir."  She smiled sweetly.

"I'll have someone get them if we can, Miss Scuito.  It's clear you learned how to negotiate from Gibbs, young lady."

She smirked at him.  "I learned from Ducky, sir.  Gibbs would've went and saved them while he used your credit card to pay for it."  She went back to work.  "Daniel, Connor's getting me more of the purple sparkly stuff that explodes but he says it's going to be expensive to get enough to run tests on."

"You've got a small budget surplus.  How expensive?"

"About half a mil for a good fifty pounds, all  hermetically sealed in individual pounds to keep it from going bad?" she said, looking hopeful.  "It's actually the biological deposits of some demons."

He considered it.  "Get half that.  That'll take up your budget surplus.  If we have money for more it'll be apparent in a few months.  If you do make it into exploding tipped bullets, Jack might want to get that formula too."

She beamed and bounced some.  "Sure!  Dean thinks he can with what we had and the restrictions we already know about it.  He thinks you'd have to vacuum pack the tip though."

"How hard is that?" the president asked.

She shrugged.  "I don't make bullets.  You'd have to ask him, sir."  She glanced at the clock then at him.  "He's off doing military PT for Colonel Sheppard's people at the moment."

"I'll talk to him then."  He looked at Daniel.  "How did this come to our attention?"

"Someone sent us a sample at first," Abby said.  "Then a demon clan took Xander, they wanted Fargo but Xander said to take him instead, to build them a bomb with it.  He came back with the bomb's schematics and made them want to go back to the honorable old ways that were a lot more Klingon than the modern were."

He just nodded at that.  "Is it useful in other areas?"

"It's easily contaminated by the air," McKay told him.  "If it's contaminated it won't explode but if it's highly contaminated it can turn into a gas when set off that will make people much happier.  Like an acid trip I'm told."

"I see.  When were you going to share this?" he asked her.

"When we knew more about it.  It's not readily available and our arms master said he never heard of it.  He'd know if it was black market."

"That's good.  Who did you hire?" he asked Daniel.

"He said he'd shoot me if I told you, sir."

"I see."  He stared him down.  "Where is Jack?"

"That's not the name he gave us, sir."

"Uh-huh.  Fine.  I'll let him hide here.  I suppose he's doing good work with your group."

"He's done very good work with us.  He even understands Xander quite well."  That got a shudder from an agent.  "He also does all our equipment checking in.  Plus he jokes he helps save the world just as often with us as he did in his last job, but now he's semi-retired and back to teaching from his experiences instead of killing his joints by being in the lead."

"I'm sure the slayers like that about him."

"A few like to pinch him," McKay told him with a smirk.  "They think he's hot since he has weapons."

"Well, they are teenage girls," Abby reminded him.  "One thinks you are too.  A few wanted to hit on John but I made them stop."  She pinched him on the cheek with a grin.  "You lucky boy."

"He'd appreciate that."

"Tiff threw a fit when she heard.  Told them he had earned their respect and affection that way instead of perving on him because he had a tight butt.  She gave a Xander-style lecture and it worked pretty well."

"We do like how she's grown up."  He gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek.  "We'll eat with them tonight?"

"Okay," she agreed, beaming at him.

"Let us know when the wedding is so we can send a nice present," the president said, walking Daniel off to talk to him about other things somewhere less lust charged.  He looked out the window at the yelling.  "What are they doing?"

"It appears the girls got bored and decided to sneak attack the military guys," Daniel said.  "Looks like they stole their weapons and are making them try to get them back, sir."

Xander walked outside, whistling sharply.  "Unless you've been cleared to use those, give them back!" he shouted over the yelling military guys.  He looked at Sheppard and Dean.  "Are your guys that woosy that they're scared of women with guns?"

"Apparently," he said.  "Ladies, please?"

Dean cleared his throat.  "Ladies, they're only P-90s.  They're crappy guns.  Give them back," he ordered.  Someone blew in the main gate.

Xander ducked into the infirmary while the girls shot at them.  Xander came out and threw something at the car, making it explode.  "Try it again, asshole!  This makes your third attempt and you're pissing me off now so you'd better fucking well beg!" he yelled.  The demons got out of the car and fell to their knees begging.  "There, something the military can do.  Go gather them for the agents, guys.  Please."  He looked at the girls.  "Give back their puny guns and I'll find artillery to teach you guys tonight."  They handed them back and came to beg for what to look over and pet this time.  "We have one of those in the apocalypse closet," he admitted.  "After dinner and before the movie night."  They squealed and went to tell the others.  He looked at Sheppard.  "Want us to train your guys too?" he asked with a shiteating grin.

John gave his guys a disgusted look.  "No, I'll get to kick their butts over this for weeks.  Thanks anyway, Xander."

"If they're here I'm doing sword practice on Saturday, and it's mandatory for all base personnel in case it comes in handy."  He walked off to help arrest them.  Horatio came running out with his weapons.  Mac and Calleigh were right behind them.  "It's the guys who want their drug dealing little buddies, guys.  Relax.  They're begging because they pissed me off."

Daniel came out to look at them.  "Nice shooting, ladies.  Xander, nice grenade toss.  Next time try for a bit more circumspect when the higher ups are here?"

"The president's here," he told the pouting military guys.  "They're sorry they stole your guns.  Geez, grow up!  You pout worse than the girls do."  He handed over the guys.  "It was their third attempt, Danny.  They're begging now."

"Good.  Go get a snack, Xander.  We can do the arrest forms."  Xander beamed and went to do that with the girls who had fired on them.  He looked at Sheppard.

"Don't look at me.  We couldn't get them to give the guns back.  Xander promised them artillery petting time later on if they would.  They're going to be drilled for *months* over this, Jackson."

"Good.  Because the president was amused.  He actually laughed at the girls playing keep away with their guns."  He walked back inside.  "Let me know if we have problems, Mac."

"Sure, Daniel."  He looked at Horatio and Calleigh, then at the demons.  "It was stupid to piss Xander off so soon after we got him back," he said in the common demon language they all learned.

"Back?" one asked.

"An agent tried to use Xander to get some bad guys to go down.  Handed him over to some of them," Calleigh told him.

They stared at her then at each other.  "They'll pay for doing that to him!  He's one of those that even the great ones want!"  They went meekly.  They'd tell that to their clansmen when they were allowed to call them to tell them they'd been arrested.  No one did that to their great one.  It was his right to kick their butts but no one else could have him!

Mac walked them past the president.  "Sorry they did this during your tour, sir.  They're going to apologize.  Aren't we?"

"We did not mean to do this when higher ups could see," one said in accented english.  "The Great One rightly kicked our tails for it, sir."

"That's good to know.  I accept and hope you don't try to invade the base again, people."  They nodded and were led down to the jail so they could be booked in.  He looked at Daniel.  "Great One?"

"Xander is seen as one," he pointed out.  "He's stopped a lot of problems by helping the slayers.  Even before we were formed."  He shrugged.  "He's part of the slayer mythology now.  He brought Buffy back to life by himself once and then helped the second time.  He managed her battles for her when she needed him to.  He helped bring down the Initiative."  The president moaned.  "He's got a lot of respect from them, sir.  They know he only shows up when it's a weapons case or a bad thing.  The same as most agents do."  The Secret Service guys nodded at that.  "See, even they know Xander only shows up when it's a problem."

"Yes, sir, if we see him on a case, especially a team case, we know it's going to be bad and to avoid it but help him if he requests materials," one told him.

The president looked at him.  "Not physical help?"

"Secret Service agents aren't well suited to dealing with the demonic, sir.  Unless it's a situation where we need to help by firing weapons, we'd only be in the way," the other said.

"That's reasonable."  He looked at Daniel.  "Maybe your official motto should be 'better you than us'."

"We like our current one, sir, but we do have it on our t-shirts that we only wear around base.  Abby had them made on our first year anniversary."

The president smirked at him.  "That's good to know.  How's your jail doing?"

"Nearly full.  We're looking at how to expand it right now."

"Can you?"

"Yes, sir.  We can build on more wings.  It won't be that hard.  We can even offer the few earth demons we have in residence some time off their sentences to help us.  None have done things that were *too* bad."

"Good to know.  Anything on that other project?"

"They're still fixing the wall that got caved in during the last attempted assault.  That's why the botanists are going evil in our testing area with our little shrub demon."

"Shrub demon?" one guard asked.

He led them out to look at them.  The unicorns were playing with Anna outside.  Apparently someone had kicked her out of the armory again.  George was sunning himself while the botanists checked him for new buds and leaf blight or something.  Personally, he and Jack O'Neill thought they were having way too much fun playing with George.  "This is George.  He and the stray cats who hang around the base were the slayers' first pets.  George, this is our president and two of his guards."

The shrug turned to wiggle his branches in their direction.  Then he went back to being petted by the strange humans.

Daniel smiled.  "He's a very smart little shrub.  Guys, if you spoil George, the girls will pounce and beat you because they can't spend that much time petting him during the school year."

They pouted.  "But we have nothing to do," one complained.

"We have a lab, people.  Go use it."  They ran to do that.  George seemed to sigh but Anna jogged over to give him a careful hug so he went to sun himself while watching them play tag.  Daniel smirked at him.  "They've been a bit bored, sir.  Sorry."

"It's all right.  I'm sure this base is a small letdown from the usual finding of new things that they do on their home base."  He walked off with his guards, heading back to the helicopter.  "Show up next week with plans on how to expand the prison and your budget, Daniel.  So far you look like you're handling it all right."

"Thank you, sir."  He waved as they took off.  "Ass kisser," he muttered before going back inside.  It was nice his agents had told him Xander was scary enough to need a personal apology.  He found Xander watching.  "It won't happen again if they can help it."

"He doesn't know the ground-level goings on," he pointed out, looking at his friend and boss.

"True, but if he hears about it he can stop it."

"Good.  I'd hate for someone else to be treated like that or like they did to Jack."  He walked off.  "Jack's still hiding in the kitchen having lunch with Brenda."

"Good to know."  He went to check on him.  "He did think you're here but he decided that it's good you're passing on your experiences to the slayers so they can keep saving the world while you feel old."

"I'll help if there's an apocalypse," he pointed out dryly.

"We know that.  By the way, Xander took one of the grenades."

"I heard.  They do it again?"  Daniel nodded.  "Pity but they're stupid."  Brenda nodded at that, stuffing her mouth.  "He gone?"

"Yup and Anna's outside playing for a change."

"Good.  She needs it."  He went back to his lunch.

Daniel went back to his office to make notes.  They really did need to expand the prison some.  There was a note from the head guard that said they only had two open cells in the magically null section.  All the rest were in use.  Fortunately LA had their own jail now set up so they could ship all the cases from there back there.  He sat down to call out there to arrange it.  That'd free up a good fifth of the prison.


"That damn crackhead gopher!" Xander shouted.


To part 44

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