Demon Criminal Investigative Services: News of the Worlds.

Kim looked at the messy bulletin board they had in the slayer dorm, frowning.  "How can anyone find anything on here?" she complained.  She started to pull down old notices and toss them into the recycling box.  Wesley came out to stop her.  "That's a patrol rotation schedule from last month, Wesley."

"Someone still has to keep track of the past ones so we don't overwork any of you."

"You know what?  We need a simpler way of getting stuff put out for our attention.  I can't find anything on this."  She walked off.  "Sasha!" she yelled.  She came jogging down the stairs.  "We've *got* to find a simpler way of spreading slayer news."

"A newsletter?" she suggested.  Kim beamed and nodded.  "We can do one in email or print format.  It's not that hard."  They went to the bulletin board to find the current news and sat down at the slayer computers to make one up.  It was about three pages long once they got the good gossip on it.  Then they emailed it to all the girls.  "There.  That works."

Wesley came out to stare at them.  "What did you two just do?"

"Slayer newsletter," they said together then grinned at him.

"That way no one has to wonder about anything.  We all hear all the good news and gossip, and everyone gets a copy of the patrol rotation for the month."  Wesley sighed, walking off shaking his head.  "He'll get used to it," Sasha said with a grin.

"Of course he will.  It'll ease a few problems he has with the bulletin board too."  They shrugged and went to see if they had missed any good news or gossip.  And what was going on for the next week so they could put out another edition.


Buffy opened her email at the beep since she was browsing something.  "Slayer newsletter?  That's handy."  She opened it and settled in to read, smiling at it.  She printed it out for the others, putting it where they'd read it - on the fridge door.  Then she went to dismantle their horrible bulletin board system.  Giles scowled.  "The girls on base are putting out a newsletter that has most of this stuff in a more compact and cuter form.  This way we don't have to hunt and miss news."  She left the essentials there - the patrol rotation for the local patrols, important numbers, the menus from the takeout places, and Anna's cleaning solutions for various problems.   "We need to bind those so all the other houses get copies."  She went to find someone who knew computers in their house.  "Hey, Kyara.  Can you make copies of Anna's cleaning recipes so they go to the other houses too?  I'm sure it'd be appreciated.  Also, some of the girls on base have created a newsletter so we don't miss good news and stuff on the bulletin board."

"That's cool.  It on the messy thing?"

"Fridge.  That way it doesn't get lost."  They shared a smirk and that one went to put the cleaning recipes onto the computer so she could send them to the other slayer houses.  Giles was reading the newsletter with a frown.  Buffy gave him a hug.  "It's easier for us to find everything and only takes a minute, Giles."  She got around him to get an apple to snack on.  "Kyara's sending the cleaning stuff around to the other houses too."

He rolled his eyes.  "Those machines are dreadful wastes of time."

Kyara looked at him.  "The one in India sent a very nice thank you.  They had no idea how to get the purple mottled slime out of their shirts after taking on an elephant demon last week."  She went back to it.  "Maybe we should print a helpful tips and hints manual for the girls going overseas."

"If you want to, go ahead," Buffy agreed cheerfully.  That got a grin and she emailed the other two about how to best do that.  They got together on it.  Their watchers would be very proud of them for it.  Buffy bounced off to the backyard.  They were moving soon!  She had already packed and was overseeing the weapons being moved later on.  She was so stoked!  She'd get to share a bathroom with *two* girls instead of *seven*!

Giles went mumbling back to his office to call Wesley and complain.  Wesley told him it was helpful and did reach the other girls very quickly so it was a good idea.  Since the girls had taken the initiative on themselves, it wasn't that bad of an idea.  Less work for them posting some things.  Plus they could make sure each and every girl got to see the patrol rotation.  No more cries of 'but I didn't see it, you covered it up with something else' ever again.


Xander looked at the new email that hit his desk, smiling as he opened it to read it.  "Good work," he decided, typing that back to the girls.  He could approve that format and it was helpful.  One of the other girls sent him one that they were making a useful hints manual for the girls being assigned off base.  He smiled and added his own suggestions, including a great cocoa recipe and a few others the girls could use.  Since most of them couldn't cook.  He sent an email to Abby about that, letting her figure out how to get them cooking lessons somehow.  Just the basics so they didn't starve when they were assigned.  She sent back a squeal over the newsletter and manuals so it was happy times in the lab too.  Or Rodney was in and she was having a *really* happy day.  He looked around.  Then shrugged.  No Sheppard so maybe not.  He got back to work, pleased with the ideas his girls had.  He sent an email to the flower shop in town to congratulate them with a treat and a few flowers.  They'd appreciate that since they were girly girls.


John opened his email, reading over the newsletter slowly.  Then he smiled and nodded.  "That'll work.  Good job, girls," he muttered, going to the next email.

Brenda came out of the bathroom and sat down beside him to read over his shoulder.  "Which girl did what this time?"  He let her see the newsletter, earning a grin.  "Aww, that's wonderful!"  She sent back her own thanks email and went to get Sam and Dean out of their respective beds.  They were on their way back.  "Guys, a few of the girls made a slayer-wide newsletter."  Dean moaned but got up to read it, smiling at the happy news.  "Now we can keep updated no matter which slayer house we're in."  She winked at Faith.  "It has gossip too.  Shea's in deep because they caught her making out with her boyfriend.  Xander didn't ride her about it, just said 'you're a young lady, don't let us catch you in the middle of it' and left it there."  Faith got up to read over Dean's shoulder, giggling at some of the news.  She went to get up Sam.  "A few of the girls on base started a newsletter."

Sam checked his email, smiling at it.  "We'll have to add to it about what we did on the trip."  Brenda squealed and went to write up a report for the next issue.  Sam smiled at her back and wrote up his own report for it.  That way they had a few others.  He called Dean's phone.  "Have you and Faith written up something for the next issue on your trip?"  He hung up at the growl and went back to his research.  Something big was due to happen soon and no one knew a thing about what.  It was getting creepy that even over this distance he was getting Xander's odd dreams about a base assault.  Someday they'd have to do something about that link.  They really would.


Rodney McKay opened his email after the next data burst, frowning at his pile of emails.  He sighed, opening one from the girls.  They kept him apprised of any important news.  He nearly smiled at the newsletter that they had sent.  "That's a good idea," he mumbled into his current cup of coffee.  Sheppard came over to where he was working to read over his shoulder.  "The girls are starting a newsletter."

"Cool."  He read, smiling at some of the gossip going on.  "Sounds like things are pretty normal. Though, Xander's Spanking List, that's not the best name for the punishment list."

"He probably threatened them with it again."  He waved a hand. "You probably have your own copy.  If not, Tiff surely does."

"Good point."  He went to find her.  "Check your email.  Some of the girls on base have started a newsletter."  She squealed and went to do that.  He followed with a smile.  He waved at one of the soldiers.  "The slayers have a new newsletter."

"News from home then."  He gave the young slayer a fond grin.  They loved her on base.  She had changed a lot from the angry thing that had first shown up.  Teyla was teaching the girl a lot and Ronon was turning her into a bigger threat and weapon's nut.  One day soon she'd have dreadlocks and a uniform.

Tiff wrote something for the next issue, handing it to John with a sheepish look.  "Can you proofread it for me?"

"Of course."  He read it over, nodding.  "Can't say that.  It's still classified."  She took out that sentence and he only had to correct some grammar.  "Good job."  She beamed and sent it then they went to work on the next trip's plan.  Of course, they'd screw it up.  They were SGA-1.  Nothing went as planned for them.  The only way it'd go less as planned was if Xander joined the team and no one was going to do that to him.  He'd quit first.  She gave him a hug around his arm.  "What?"

"You're thinking bad thoughts about Xander coming up to make our lives more interesting again."

"I was," he admitted, shaking his head.  "That's still a bad thought."

"You saw they got a real arms master again?"  He nodded.  "Some of the tween witches in LA had to save him.  I recognized the name.  He's a former covert agent."

"Ooooh.  Hiding?"

"From what Fred said, they had to save him because he was the debt demanded by someone the US screwed wrong."  He groaned.  "So the tween witch coven saved him and then cooed at him until he ran away.  Angel had to save him from them."  He laughed.  "That's why he's on base."

"It's a good spot for him.  Wonder if he gets along well with Jackson."

"Now they have someone who can go save Xander when he does the next thing that makes Ronon have happy thoughts."

He swatted her gently but he was laughing too hard to say anything.  They found the scans that had been taken from the newest planet.  It was a pretty world.  Which meant it was deadly.  Of course.


Daniel walked into the detective's area.  "Guys, the newsletter looks very good."  Xander grinned at that.  "The ones out and about can write all sorts of stuff for it for next month."

"They said they can do that and just edit it," Xander assured him.  "Everyone so far likes it.  Even John."


"He thinks computers are a sign that evil has won," he said dryly.

"Oh.  Okay then."  He got some coffee.  "Anything coming up on a case?"  Xander printed his report and held it up.  "Thank you, Xander."  He flipped through it.  "Is there a YouTube video that'll get you spanked again?"

"Better not be since I went alone," he said dryly.

"If it's that bad, Dawn has said she can tape scrying," Speed offered with a grin.  Daniel tossed it at him.  He called Dawn.  "Can you check his last one to tape it?"  He hung up and tossed it at Xander's head.  "No more doing that, Xander.  You worry us."

Xander grinned at him.  "You give some of the most sweet, yet paranoid compliments, dear."

Tim smirked back.  "Now if you had breasts, I might date you so I'd be worried more often."  Horatio and Eric choked at that.  He looked at them.  "Horatio needs to be a bit less cautious and he can have the same offer."  Calleigh and Mac snickered at that.  "Anyway.   Boss, I've got a mother of a headache on my present research case.  I hate this thing."

Xander got up to look.  "Why are they looking up Glorificus?  She can't come back for a thousand years."

"Good to know."  He went into that old file and looked it over.  It matched in most ways so he took it to Thomas to let him look it over.  "Xander thinks it's Glorificus but has no idea why they're wondering."

He frowned with distaste.  "That was not a happy part of Sunnydale history."  He looked it over.  "Not quite her.  It looks similar though."  He got up to get a book to flip through until he found it.  "Here we go."  He let him see.

Tim called upstairs.  "Hey, Xander.  It's not her, but a similar one who wants a staff.  Sure, if we need it, I'll bring the girls and artillery."  He hung up and gathered all the research up to see why they needed it.  And talk to Wesley because stuff like that was slayer work, not agent work.

Thomas sighed, shaking his head.  "That poor town in Florida."

Horatio took it when Speed came back.  He scowled.  "That is not going to make Florida happy."

"Are we riding in on hummers or agent SUV's this time?" Eric asked as he took it to read.  "Huh.  With slayers I'm guessing?"

"If it's a current worry, yes," Tim said.  Xander looked at him. "It's her less evil twin sister."


"Xander!" Calleigh complained.

"Are there crazy knights chasing someone?"

"No, not yet."

"Good!  Then Dawn won't have flashbacks of them trying to kill her."

Speed grimaced.  "I saw that mention."  He let him see.  "How did you guys kill Glory?"

"Her host.  You had to kill her host once she reverted."

Tim grimaced.  "Interesting."

"It was that or let the world end, Speed.  Buffy had died.  Dawn was traumatized.  Anya had part of the scaffolding fall on her and injure her back."  That got a nod.  "She ate Tara's sanity."  They shared a look.  "I'll back you guys up if we need to."

"We should've have to.  Can you find the artifact?"

"I can, I'm clear," Tony said.  "I have a good string of luck on finding artifacts."  Tim tossed that part at him, letting him catch it and get to work.  "Are we talking an assault?"

"Hopefully not," Xander said.  "I seriously hope it's not as serious and she's not already there.  I don't want to see another sanity sucking, Gucci wearing hell goddess after anyone."  He went back to his seat to go over the notes they had sent.  "It looks like we may be in luck and she might not be risen yet."

"We hope," Speed agreed.  They got to work and headed out once Tony found the artifact mentioned somewhere.  On the way to the small town in Florida, they called that museum to have them be on guard.  No demon was against stealing what it needed if it was powerful.  Horatio and Jack had talked for a few minutes.  Horatio came out carrying their traveling arsenal bag.  He could handle the artillery and call the girls down if they needed it.  They hoped she wasn't woken yet.  He really did.


Kim looked up as Sasha came bouncing into the caf that night.  "What's up?"

"The newsletter was a big success.  We've gotten a few other pieces for the next one from the slayers in other houses."  She handed them over.  "Including from the road tripping Winchester clan."  She sat down once she had a plate and stole all the food she needed before Mary could take it.  Gibbs gave her a look.  "They liked the newsletter."

"So did I."

"I'm so dead if my father sees it," Shea complained.

"He's not a slayer," Kim pointed out with a grin.  Then she went back to reading them.  "We got one from Tiff?"

"Yup, sure did.   She says at the bottom that it had been proofread and approved by Sheppard."  That got a mean smirk back.  "So, how often do we want to do this?"

"Let's put out a supplemental one immediately and then say once a week?"

"That works for me."  They beamed at each other and hurried their dinners to go back to their happy-making project.

Xander looked over as he walked in to dinner.  "Good job, girls."

Kim pounced him for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  "Thank you for the carnations, Xander.  That and the candy were very nice.  We've got news from the other houses so we're putting out a supplemental issue."  She ran off after Sasha gave Xander her own hug and kiss on the cheek.

Xander walked to his seat grinning.  "Anything from Horatio's team yet, Boss?"

"They've landed.  She is awake.  He's calling Wesley later."

Xander looked at him.  Then shook his head.  "Wes, we have Glory's insaner half-sister up and around in northern Florida."  Dawn choked.  "Not after you, Dawnie.  This one wants a staff."

"Is it in someone?"

"No.  It's in a museum in Miami."  He grinned.  "Which they've already handled.  Wes?"

"We should send one of the senior girls."

"Buffy will have flashbacks," he said quietly, sitting next to him.  "Faith won't be back by then.  It's a sink or swim but we do have two others who are in senior training."

Shea looked down at him.  "One of which has very good hearing.  If Faith gets back before we go?"

"She'll go with you."

She nodded with a small sigh.  "I can see those reasons."  She finished up and got seconds.  "I'll probably need it.  I can't stand Cuban food.  Gives me gas," she muttered at one girl's amused look.  Xander patted her on the back.  "Who'm I bringing?"

"Pick a team."

She considered it.  Then nodded.  "Okay."  She looked around.  "I'd take Anna for her sneaky mind but she's too young.  Taylor, Sturanna, Gwen, and that strawberry blonde that went with her that I can't remember the name of?"

"That's not a bad team," Wesley agreed.  He reached around to pat her on the back of the head.  "You'll be safe?"

"Of course."

"Good," Xander agreed.  "I'll alert them."  He leaned down next to her ear.  "I know you're ready and you can do this, Shea.  If Faith was back, I'd send her with your team."  She looked up at him.  "Buffy died to save the rest of us with the last one."

"I understand that decision.  She'd be in more danger from the flashbacks."  Xander nodded.  "I'll pack tonight."

"Good girl.  Let me get the rest."

"Gwen left already," Dawn pointed out.  "I'll get her back in a few hours."

"Let me call," Xander said, taking his dinner to go to the office tonight.  He called there.  "Gwen, Shea's being senior slayer on a call over here in Florida.  We have Glory's crack-smoking, insaner sister down there looking for her staff for the same reason Glory wanted Dawn.  You and Brigit."  He smiled.  "That'll work.  Dawn will.  Let her finish dinner."  He hung up and sent her a text message.  Then he went to tell Sasha.  "Wait until the next issue to talk about the sitch in Florida.  You can put a bad guy of the newsletter section in."  They stared at him.  "Hell goddess in Florida."  They groaned.  "Shea's going as senior."

"She can do it," Sasha agreed.  "She's worked her tail off to get there."  Xander nodded.  "Does that mean she can hit New York if she survives?"

"Yuppers.  And I'm probably going to be heading too."  He smirked and went to call Horatio.  "Do you need me and slayers or just five slayers?  You're getting Shea as senior and her picked team, Horatio.  Do you need me too?  Dawn will tonight.  They're finishing dinner and packing now."  He smirked.  "Do you think you can?  You will have to take out her host or she can come back.  I know that.  That's what I'm asking, Horatio."  He nodded.  "Okay.  That's your call.  If you need me, yell and I'll be down at Dawnie speed."  He grinned.  "They'll save it for the next newsletter.  Because Buffy died fighting Glory, Horatio.  Her flashbacks won't do anyone any good and Faith's still roadtripping.  They're not due back for a few days at the least.

"Shea had been working her ass off to get up to senior slayer standards.  I trust her to be able to handle it.  Yes I do.  I have full confidence.  Because I'm not sure one of you can shoot the host," he said grimly.  "It'll probably be human if she's at all like Glory was."  He nodded.  "Exactly.  That's why I'm offering.  Okay, if you need me, yell."  He hung up.  Speed sent Dawn a picture.  She gathered the others once they had packed and sent them down to handle it, giving them all hugs on the way.  Xander stopped Shea.  "If you need more help...."

"I'll scream," she agreed.  He nodded at that.  "And I won't pull a Buffy either.  I know I'm mortal and I won't come back like she does."  Dawn snorted, giving her an extra long hug.  "Not to hurt or anything, Dawn."

"We all call her an undead yo-yo."  That got a smile and Shea walked through.  "Weapons?"

"Got 'em," Xander said, tossing the bag over.  The portal closed once Gwen caught it.  He leaned on Dawn.  "I should be there."

She gave him a hug.  "You'd have flashbacks too, Xander."  He looked down at her.  "You will."  She pinched him on the cheek.  "Should I tell Buffy?"

"No.  I will once it's done.  She'll scream at me."  That got a nod.  "But she'll listen to sense once it's over with."  He went to make his reports.  It was for the good of the slayers that he not send a damaged one into battle.  He had to keep reminding himself of that.

"Command sucks sometimes," Jack said from the armory doorway.

Xander looked at him.  "Majorly.  I should've sent Buffy but she'd have flashbacks and it won't help the others."

"Shea's good, Xander.  She may not be Buffy, she may not be Faith, but each slayer is their own legend as you told me."

He nodded.  "Let's hope she doesn't have that over-confidence issue she likes now and then."

"She won't.  They've studied what happened with Glory."  He smirked.  "I sent Horatio with a lot of artillery if they needed it."

"I sent my axe.  It was at the last hell god we fought.  It was at the one before then.  It should be at this time."  That got a nod and a small smirk.  "Anyway, how's the armory going?  Need anything ordered or found?  I have an arms dealing case I'm going to bust sometime soon and you know you'll get to confiscate and count."

Jack laughed.  "We'll see what you pick up, kid."  He went to get dinner and eat at his apartment.  The girls were a bit...cheerful for his tastes.  And they pinched!  Especially Mary.  He wasn't going to get used to that anytime soon.


Xander was talking to his contact in LA when Buffy landed next to him and took a swing at him.  "What!" he demanded, ducking and pushing her against the wall to hold her there.  She struggled but he had her pinned very well.  "What's eaten your brain this time?" he demanded.

"You skipped me over!  I'm the senior slayer!  I should be at the hell god in Miami!" she shouted while struggling.

He made her look at him.  "Buffy, I didn't want to see you die when you froze during a flashback."  She went limp to stare at him.  He stared back.  "You can't tell me every damn last one of us at that battle won't flash back to that," he said more quietly.  She sniffed.  "I did it to protect you.  That is not how you want to deal with the issue that still gives you nightmares," he said quietly.  "Shea's good.  She can handle it.  I trained the girl myself to be as good as you and Faith."

She nodded so he let her go.  "She's good."

"How did you hear?"

"The news.  They took her down earlier."  She wiped her cheeks off.  "You really think I'll have flashbacks during the battle?"

"You did in Georgia.  You still have nightmares about it," he said gently.  He gave her a hug.  "I thought about it but I'm not going to send you to die because you're reliving a bad time."  He pulled back.  "The same as I'd never send you to hunt down one of your crew that got turned."

She nodded.  "I can understand that.  Does anyone else know?"

"Wes and I talked.  I did not tell Giles.  I would've sent Faith to help Shea but she was still on her trip."

She nodded, straightening up again.  "You're right.  I would've had nightmares and all that stuff."

He grinned.  "It's good that you recognize that I have an all-knowing streak now and then."

"All knowing butt," she teased, giving him a shove.  "Why didn't you explain it to me?"

"Because you'd scream at me and go try to help."

"Good point."

"Are they okay?"

"Banged up pretty well.   Shea's got a broken leg now.  Pretty artillery work but they're all alive."  He grinned.  "I'll go baby them."

He stroked her cheek with a grin.  "That's what a senior slayer does.  She'll do fine handling New York."

"She's got the start of a good rep now."  She called Dawn.  "I'm calmer.  Thank you."  She smiled at Xander's contact.  "Be safe, Xander.  Need help?"

"Influx of weapons.  Our yearly big bust of them."

She snorted.  "Why was your axe there?"

"It was there for the last few gods, it should be with this god," he said dryly.  "Even if I wasn't."

She nodded.  "It gets nearly as much work as the scythes do."  Dawn created a portal and she went back to base to talk to her sister.  She needed the comfort and there wasn't any ice cream at Cleveland anyway.

Xander looked at his contact.  "We skipped her name for the thing in Florida."

That got a nod.  "You're a brave man, Harris."

Xander grinned.  "Somewhere I've got a picture of her in a green face mask and puppy jammies," he said happily.

The demon gave him an awed look.  "Brave and kinda dumb," he decided.

"Some days.  So anyway, my weapons?  Because our new armory master is looking forward to this bust."

"It's not like last year."

Xander looked at him.  "That's probably a good thing since I only brought me.  I'd hate to have to load that many weapons."

The demon laughed.  "C'mon.  We'll show you where they're hiding them.  Speaking of, I think some of his former people are looking them over."

"I'll warn him.  We can do disguise spells if we must," he said cheerfully.  "More guns to clean.  Artillery to pet.  It's a good day."

The demon shook his head.  Didn't the slayers have a rule about not being too happy with a situation because it'd make it worse?


Rodney McKay glared at his computer when it dared to beep at him.  "What!" he snarled.  He rolled his chair over to look at it, finding the new email icon.  He scowled at it since it came from the base.  Not from his Abby, but from one of the girls.  "Not another newsletter," he moaned.  He got into the short message and attached file.  He downloaded it and played it then groaned and banged his head on the table.  He got into the communication system.  "Colonel, could you and your protégé of destruction come to the lab please?" he asked.  To his hearing he sounded a bit strangled.  Sheppard came jogging in.  "One of the girls sent Ronon new mental porn to drool on."  He got out of the way, rolling his chair back to his workstation.  He had real work to do and didn't have time to rewatch that idiot nearly get himself killed again.

Tiff stared.  "There's another one, Rodney.  This one is about the hell god n Florida.  Can we open it?" she asked.  He hummed and waved a hand.  She got into it, wincing when she saw what was going on.  "I wonder if Glory was that bad," she hissed.  "Poor Shea.  She won't be able to ride her motorcycle for weeks."

John looked at her.  "That's happened before?"

"Buffy died stopping Glorificus from opening portals to suck her world onto ours.  Usually it's the other way around so they complained and joked that she broke the stereotype but yeah.  She dove off a high platform to close the portals.  Plus we count the First Evil as a Hell God and probably the one in Georgia too if we're honest."

John whimpered.  "Stay here where it's sane?"

She grinned.  "I love your sanity too, John."  She went back to watching both videos.  "That's Xander's axe."  The message explained why, making her giggle.  She called Sam Carter from her office to come see.  "Hell god in Florida.  Shea went as senior."

She pulled a chair over to watch, whimpering.  "That's bad.  Is that Xander's axe?"  Tiff let her see that message, earning a smile.  "I guess it might be good luck with as many gods as it's faced."  Rodney gave her a horrified look, nearly dropping what he was working on.  "Xander sent his battle axe with the slayers because it had faced Glory and the First Evil in battle so therefore it should face this newest hell god intent on destroying the planet."

He stared.  "Are you all warped!" he shouted.  "That's an incredibly juvenile idea!  You need real weapons for that!  Not a ...a...battle axe!"  He waved a hand around.  "That's incredibly stupid!"

"Xander and John, and I guess the new guy, make all the slayer weapons," Tiff told him.

Rodney whimpered.  "Dear Lord, we're all going to die."

John patted him on the back.  "That's why there's slayers.  Just think about how much they can get through with swords and stakes."  Rodney gave him a horrified look.  "I'd like to see what they could do with a zat."

"Doesn't work on most demons," Sam told him.  "Daniel asked," she said at the unamused look both men shot her.  She grinned back.  "What's the one behind this one?"

"Xander was on his usual yearly gun dealing mega case."  Tiff let it rerun, making Sam whimper.  "I figure Amber sent it up to us so Ronon can drool on it."

Sam gave her a hug.  "Maybe."  She took the laptop with her.  "I'll bring it back once I have those downloaded, Rodney."  She found Teyla.  "New Xander videos and the slayers down there facing a god in Miami."

Teyla frowned but followed to see.  That Xander guy was a strange creature.  "It's a good thing more humans aren't like him."

Sam grinned.  "We'd go insane."

"I figured you would.  We could use some of them to hunt for the clans, but he is clearly touched by some God that is not a good one for everyone."  Sam laughed at that, nodding.  Teyla got Ronon in there to watch them.  He came in and grunted inquisitively since he was pulling back his dreadlocks and had something in his mouth to hold it together.  "Xander did something else that was brave, yet incredibly stupid and the slayers down there faced down a god."

"Really?"  He moved to see the small screen, letting Sam put it onto a bigger one.  He stared.   "He would make an excellent runner."  Teyla patted him on the arm.  "He might have helped destroy all the wraith by now if we had him."

"No.  Way.  In.  Hell," Sam said firmly.  "We'd have to put him on your team.  Sheppard said no."

Ronon looked at her.  "Why torture us that way?  I can't live up to that standard.  It's fun to watch though."

"I still think some mentally challenging God touched him at one point in his life," Teyla told him.  They switched videos.  "They do not have the weapons we do?"

"Is that Harris' axe?" Ronon asked.  He'd seen him using it before in some of the other videos that had gotten sent to their resident slayer.

"He said it was with the last few gods they fought so it should be at this one," Sam told him.

"Ah.  Does it hold special powers?"



"Sentimental," Teyla corrected.  "It gives the young hope that they can withstand like he has.  Like any heirloom weapon."  Ronon nodded, understanding that.  They both shook their heads.  "That was not pretty."

"No, it wasn't," Ronon said.  "They need help."

"They sent a slayer team once they found out she had been awakened," Sam told him.

"Five young girls is nothing.  Even if they are like Tiff."

"She is a strong girl," Teyla agreed. "Even five of her should not face something that bad."

"We save the full slayer corps for the really bad things," Sam told them.  "Like the one I got called to earlier this year in Georgia."  They both looked confused.  "You guys didn't see that?"  They shook their heads so she pulled up the video she had been sent by Jack and Daniel to let them see.  Ronon shuddered and Teyla was nearly paranoid by the end.  "We save the full slayer corps for the bigger things," she said gently, patting Ronon on the arm.  "If the five in Miami hadn't been able to handle it, they would've gotten more."

"Good!"  He shook his head.  "They're all insane."

"They're the defense from the bad things taking over."  She smiled.  "If we could get you into DCIS as an agent, Xander's looking for a new team."

"Did the last one die or retire to more sane cases?" Teyla asked.

"Retired to more sane cases."

Ronon nodded.  "As would I after a while."

"He only does it every few months."

Ronon looked at her.  "We see much insanity up here with the wraith and the locals."

"Xander is not coming up here," John shouted as he came up the stairs.

"No, he should not.  They need his special brand of insanity down there," Teyla agreed.  John smiled.  "Though, Sam did say that Ronon could join his team down there."

"I'd have to retire to less insanity and you couldn't kill everything that was dangerous," Ronon told her.  "Less good for the world."  He shrugged and walked off to get some air and thank his gods that he wasn't like that.  He admired the young man.  He admired his strength and his skills, how he managed to get out of things, but he did not want to be on the same team as him.  They might all have to learn to be like him and get McKay out of too many more bad things.  After all, Sheppard and McKay got into bad things.  Xander got into more bad things.  That would really screw with their bad situation ratio and they'd probably end up destroying planets again.

John watched the one in Georgia, shuddering.  "You still having nightmares, Sam?"

"I'm good," she promised, turning it off.  "They wanted to know why they only sent five slayers to handle the hell god."

"The first one only had one," he told Teyla.  "She ended up dying to save everyone."  That got a nod.  "Then they brought her back and loosened the second one."  Sam nodded at that.  "How did Buffy take it?  Tiff wanted to know."

"Don't know.  It might be in the next newsletter."   That got a smile and a nod.  "Think Ronon's over his hero worship?"

"I believe he now sees that he would have to learn how to get out of situations without weapons more often should he come up," Teyla said, going to check on him.  She found him on a terrace and patted him on the back.  "It will be fine."

He looked at her.  "He does it without weapons."

"As you are, his body and mind are as much a weapon as his gun and axe."

"Good point.  Still, if we get into the most trouble now and he comes here, the universe would not be safe."

She nodded.  "That is why he's staying down there."

"Good!"  He smirked at her.  "Think about how hard it would be to rescue McKay if he got dragged into those situations?"  She laughed.  He went to get something to eat and then work out.  Tiff bounced in to help him so he let her.  She was a decent enough warrior but he wanted to test himself against the senior girls down there.  See why they were nearly legends on that one planet with that temple.


Daniel looked up as House stomped into his office.  "Xander back to being unconscious or is he pouting?"

"I sedated him.  I know he'll sneak out if I don't."

"I sent the tape of it to some others who enjoy his exploits."  They shared a smirk.  "Abby's boyfriend should be writing her soon."

"He already did.  Moaning about Xander taking over the universe."  He sat down.  "When is my new place going to be done?"

"Two more weeks.  They've got to install the kitchen, the bathroom, and paint it on you."

"Can I go check it out?"

"You can.  I was going to."  They went to look over the workmen's shoulders.  Daniel smiled, shaking the contractor's hand.  "This is Doctor House.  His is the one with the special tub."

"Special tub?"  Daniel moaned, pulling out the plans to point at it.  "Oh!"  He nodded.  "I'm not sure if that's up there yet or not.  We've been working on this area for the last day."  That got a nod from House.  "The stairs and elevators work, Doctor, if you wanted to check it out."

"Thanks."  He went that way with Daniel.  "They seem pleasant.  Are they planting explosives?"

"If so, they're going to get Xander and both Jacks in their faces," Daniel said quietly, cracking House up.  "You know they will."

"I know."  They found House's apartment and walked in.  Daniel frowned, going to get the construction foreman.  House frowned at the normal tub that was sitting in the middle of the floor.  "Still not that deep."  He looked over as Daniel came in.  "These aren't even deep enough to soak."

"Which was not what we ordered," Daniel agreed.  He called Tony to get the order forms for him so they could fix it.  House's tub was in one of the downstairs apartments.  They went down to look at it.  It was nice.  Insulated.  "Didn't we plan to put you on the first floor anyway, House?"

"We did," he agreed.  "I have no idea when I was going to be switched upstairs."  He tried his sliding doors.  They worked.  His bathroom was a nice size and the tub was deep and had massage jets for his bad leg.  The kitchen was functional and nice enough, like the others.  "Did they put in the extra insulation so my piano doesn't bother anyone?" he asked the foreman.

"We did," he agreed.  "We had no idea this sort of mixup happened, sir.  I know all this was supposed to be down here."

"Someone switched the apartment numbers around probably," Daniel told him.  "How long before we're finished with this building?"

"If we have to get the new tubs?  Could be a few extra weeks.  I have to talk to the place we got them from, Director."

"That's fine.  Let me know as soon as you know what happened."  That got a nod and he left them alone.  He looked at House.  "Well?"

"Not bad.  Color's a bit boring."

"Then have the girls on punishment paint or pick a paint color we can go buy quickly," Daniel offered.  House smirked, nodding a bit.  "Good enough?"

"Very.  Chase'll pout."

"Chase can move to one of the new ones if he wants.  I know Horatio wants to be closer to the ground too."  House went to check his bedroom.  He heard the laugh and walked in there.  "Why....  Who put chains up already?  I didn't think you lived an S&M lifestyle, House."

"I don't," he said through a laugh.  "I hope that was one of the girls."  Daniel went to ask, coming back with a horrified foreman.  "Just take them down and put them in the closet for me.  I can use them to torment someone later."

"You can use them on Xander and the slayers to keep them in the infirmary when you need them to stay," Daniel offered with a grin.  The foreman took them down and tossed them into the linen closet then went to ask his people how that had happened.  Daniel and House shared a smirk then they went to deal with the rest of the construction while House checked the new therapeutic equipment before going to tie Xander to his infirmary bed.  Someday soon he'd have to name that bed as just being Xander's.

Jack Bauer came out of the armory when he saw Daniel, handing over a list.  "The stuff Xander got sent back to us.  LA ATF has another six crates they want to know what we have plans for."

"Count, confiscate anything useful like new agent guns or artillery for our apocalypse closet, and then destroy the rest."

"That's what I suggested.  They're horrified we have an actual apocalypse closet.  I told them what channel to turn their office tv to.  They are not happy with Florida."

"I'm not happy it happened," he admitted.  "You're the arms master, Jack.  Figure out what we need and see if it's in there."

"I can do that.  Is Xander all right?  He looked like hell when he got back."

"He's sedated in the infirmary because he tries to escape."  Jack moaned so Daniel walked him into the armory and logged into his email to pull up that video he had sent to Atlantis.  "That's why he looked like hell."

"I was considered cowboy but not even my bosses would let me get away with that.  Not even with another nuclear weapon in LA."  He rubbed his forehead.  "Does he do this often?"

"Once or twice a year."  He got into the other video, the one where he had been saving Calleigh to show him that one. "That was his last one.  O'Neill spanked him for it for me."

Jack smiled at that.  "I'd pull that."

"Xander only has memories from a possession, Jack.  He doesn't have Ranger training."

Jack looked at him.  "That's how he knows assaults?"

"Yup.  Way back in high school, a chaos sorcerer made people into their costumes."

Jack shuddered.  "I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with that before."  He reran both videos.  "I know a few agents who could work with him."

"Xander does need his own team.  We've been looking but it's a delicate mix of insanity and sanity plus Xander tends to use his team as a wall while he thinks out loud."

"I definitely know someone who can work with him.  I'll see if he's interested in changing agencies."

"Will that bust you with your former bosses?"

"Nope.  He's retired too."  He grinned.  Daniel smirked back.  "Thanks.  I needed that laugh."

"Xander does lighten the spirit during the bad times," he agreed.   "Like this or by telling bad jokes now and then during situations.  I think he cracked one in Georgia but I couldn't be sure."  He went up to his office to tell the other Jack that his apartment was running a bit behind due to a mixup with supplies.  Jack told him he was down yelling at Xander.  If he had to bootcamp that boy to make him sane and on the same page as everyone else, he'd do it.  Once he was out of the infirmary this time.  Daniel said to ask him if he wanted to learn that stuff.  If so, it was an after-hours project.  They needed Xander too much to make him give up work time.


John parked and got out of his truck, helping Brenda down since she had turned her ankle the night before.  Sam was back in Dean's car with him and Faith.  They pulled in right after him.  They looked around.  The base was quiet.  Way too quiet.

"Did we slip realities to one of the ones X went to that had no people?" Faith asked as she got out.

"I hope not."  He looked around.  He could hear a car.  None of the slayers but he could hear a car coming.  One of the base's SUV's parked and agents got out, heading for the main building at a run.  Chase and House came jogging out to meet the second one.  John jumped in to help, frowning at them.  "What the hell happened to you five?" he demanded.

"Hell god go boom," Shea said with a wispy grin.  "Damn we're good."

"Pass out, Shea, we've got it," Dean ordered.  She nodded and let herself go.  "Sammy, get a sit rep," he snapped.  He helped carry the girls inside, then looked at Horatio.  "What the fuck, dude?" he demanded.

Horatio cleared his throat.  "Our last team case had, as Xander put it, the insane sister to Glory coming out to get her staff."  Dean gaped.  "We went down to handle it and found out that she was awake.  Wesley and Xander sent those five with us.  Shea as the head slayer."

Dean moaned, shaking his head.  "Gone, or do we need more help?"

"Gone.  The girls got it, Dean.  They did good.  Even if she did have a minor force to protect her while she cast the spell.  This one was trying to use the staff to bring her mate here so they could prosper with all the food sources."  Dean gave him an odd look.  "We babied them all the way back.  The local hospital triage'd then sent us back immediately since they weren't sure how slayers reacted to medicines and didn't want to talk to Gregory and Chase."  He clapped him on the arm.  "We did have an assault cam going.  Also, Xander sent his battle axe.  It's in the back of my SUV.  It was beneficial in a way we all appreciated."  He looked over as John came out of the infirmary.  "Are they still all right?"

"Mostly banged up.  Why didn't he send Buffy or ask Faith to come back early?"

"Because B handled Glory and she's still got nightmares," Faith said as she joined him with Wesley.  John groaned then punched the wall.  She patted him on the arm.  "It was a good plan.  Gwen and Shea make a good team when they have to."  Jack Bauer came down to check on the girls and confiscate any and all weapons while he did a subtle check on Gwen.  He liked the plucky slayer as a mentoree.  "Jack, the assault cam up and ready?" she asked.

"Nearly.  Wolfe's got it set up in the armory.  I know it was partially on the news."

"None of us watched it in the last few days," Brenda said.  "Are they all right?"

"They're fine," John said, smiling at her.  "Wes?"

"Shea and Gwen are both senior girls.  Buffy still has flashbacks and Faith wasn't back yet, John."

"I would've shown up!" she complained.  "It's what slayers do!"

"Xander and I felt that Gwen and Shea could do just as well you could with them, Faith.  Though I did hear a rumor that Buffy has heard and nearly kicked his bum about not sending her while he was on his last case."  He smiled at her.  "They had all the proper materials and the agents behind them.  Xander sent his battle axe with them since it had been with him during the fight with Glory and the First."  She whimpered, shaking her head.

"One of the girls used it to knock out the higher demon she summoned to protect her while Gwen and Shea fired off the dual artillery assault at the God," Horatio said.  Faith whimpered again.  The watchers moaned.  "Let's go watch the cam."  They nodded, going to do that.  He leaned in.  "House, do you need more help with them?"

"We're good.  Their bags?"

"In the SUV.  They packed that morning so we wouldn't have to leave anything behind if we had to retreat and start over."  That got a grim look.  "What happened to Xander?"

"His last case.  There's video floating around."  He waved a hand.  "I want to see later.  Anyone get any poisons or things?"

"No.  None of the demons had poisoned claws or spit.  Ryan does have a good sized scratch from one that the ER down there stitched.  Calleigh and Speed both got knocked out during the battle.  Eric's mother called once she saw it on the news and nearly interrupted him fighting."

"Gotta love fussy mothers.  That's their job," Chase agreed.  "We'll be checking your team over once we have them settled."

"We'll be in the armory."  He went up to check.  "Chase said they're checking us once they're done bandaging and stitching them."  That got a nod.  Jack gave him a horrified look.  "It worked."

"Not the point."

"I did suggest we call in a few more girls," Eric said.  "Gwen said they could handle it and we could back them up like we did in Georgia."

John looked at him.  "What did Shea say?"

"That she'd like that nice priest that saved Xander to do her funeral if she died.  But that she wouldn't mind having someone like Xander behind them because he always managed to get the greater majority of them out of there.  Gwen reminded her that they had all been taught by Xander and us so they were just as good.  The younger three wanted more backup too but by then it was time and her magic was going to screw with Dawn's or endanger the base so we didn't call."

Horatio nodded.  "That was discussed that morning."

"And I thought Xander was bad," Daniel said as he walked in.  "Nice shot of your mother trying to get you to come home, Eric."

"I hung up on her twice, Daniel.  Both times she called back."

"I know.  It showed very well.  Especially you swearing about her calling right then."  He smiled.  "Let's see it."  They reran the tape so he could watch.  "You had double the people that they did when they fought Glory.  A lot more minions though.  She's gone?"

"Permanently," Horatio agreed.  "Or until she's summoned back to take someone else over but the staff was broken during the barrage."

"Good."  He frowned as he watched it.  "They do show Xander's style of breaking into a situation.  That's the formation he usually plans with."  Jack gave him an odd look.  "It was the same way when we were in LA."  He looked at John.  "Anything you can think of that might've made it go easier?"

"More slayers might've helped but if they weren't sure they could get there, we can't complain."

Dean nodded.  "They did what they could as quickly as they could.  Hell, Buffy died during the Glory thing, Anya's back got seriously injured, and Willow was knocked out too."  That got a nod.  "At least from the reports in Giles' journal."

Sam stared.  "Shea and Gwen worked well together."  The other Winchesters nodded.  "I can't find a reason to yell.  They did have research?"

"Thomas gave us what he knew about it," Horatio agreed.  "Before we left.  We were hoping they were trying to summon her instead of finding her awake and possessing someone.  When we found out our hopes were in vain, we called for slayer support."

"Then that's fine with us," John decided.  "Daniel?"

"It looked like a minor version of hell," he said, looking at Horatio.  "Take some downtime and remember we do have a base shrink if you need to use it." That got a nod.  He clapped him on the arm.  "You did good, even if you didn't want to be there, guys.  Good work."

O'Neill walked in.  "As bad as some of ours?"

"Quite.   Like against Hathor the last time."

Jack grimaced but watched it.  "Next time, call and I'll bring myself down," Jack told them.  "Jethro said the same thing when he caught it on the news."  He looked around.  "House is free for you guys."  They trudged down to the infirmary.  "Do things like Xander has to and expect to be treated like him," he called after them.

Daniel snickered.  "That's mean, Jack."

He shrugged.  "It happens."  He looked at the other Jack.  "You good?"

"I'm fine.  I'll need to check the weapons, see what got used."  That got a nod.  "Is it always like that?"

"Usually only on Xander's team cases," Jack said with a grin.  "He was a bad influence on Wolfe."

Daniel swatted him.  "Even Ronon doesn't want him to show up.  He thinks Xander's sense of trouble and McKay's would combine to get their universe destroyed."

"It's possible," Jack admitted, walking off.  That was a thought that he'd need a hockey game and some beer to remove from his mind.

Jack Bauer looked around once everyone was gone.  "They're insane," he told himself.  "That's how they deal with demons every day.  They're absolutely insane."  He shook his head, calling the ATF office to get the rest of the records of the weapons and see if they had held anything out for him.  He did need to restock the apocalypse vault before the next one.  Since they seemed to happen so often.

Was that Xander's fault too?

Everything else seemed to be around there when things went wrong.


"Aw, geez," Xander moaned as he sat up.  "I wasn't that bad."  He sat up with a bit of help from Sam.  "I was a good boy," he promised, looking around, finding it was Sam with him.  "Are you a doc now?" he asked with a grin.

"They're at dinner."

"Good, I'm starved.  Are they back from Florida yet?"

"They are."  He pointed at the beds around him.  Xander looked then stared at him.  "They're fine.  Just banged up.  Shea's got a broken leg."  He helped Xander stand up.  "C'mon, we'll help you escape."

"Thanks, Sam.  I knew you were my friend."  They walked out together, sneaking back to their apartment building.  Xander had food and so did Sam, who could actually cook the food.  They settled in to eat together and see what had happened.  Xander looked around.  "Someone switched the furniture?"

"You did last week."

"I did?"

"You did," Sam said, looking around.

"I thought I switched it back because of the cable outlet."  Sam frowned at him.  Xander looked up.  "We have security cameras?"

Sam stared up.  "That's not in ours."  He called Daniel.  "You put a video camera in Xander's apartment?  Thanks, Daniel."  He hung up.  "He has no idea why you never saw it before."

Xander stared at him.  He reached over to pinch Sam.  He started to fade out.  "I'm not at home, am I?"

Sam looked at himself.  "Apparently we're not."  He frowned and resolidified himself.   "Huh.  We'll see.  Dean'll be coming soon."  That got a nod and Xander ate too. They knew that whatever was going on, Dean and Dawn would save them.  They were like that.  This strange not-DCIS world wouldn't keep them for long.


John walked into the infirmary, staring at his son, who was sleeping sitting up while touching Xander's head.  "Hey, Chase?" he called.  "When did Sammy become touchy-feely with Xander this time?"

Chase walked in wiping off his mouth since he had just belched in the elevator.  "I don't know."  He came over to separate them but Sam growled and mumbled something.  "That's a problem.  Get House," he said.  John called him down.  He went to pull Xander's records and the vial of medicine House had used on him this time.  "Sam said they're somewhere that's not here.  He's ghostly, Xander isn't," he reported when his boss walked in.

"Can't he behave for just one day?" House demanded.

Chase looked at him.  "You sedated him."  The machine beeped so he pulled out the report.  "This is not what it says it is.  Abby!" he bellowed.  She was in the pool by now.  She came jogging in wearing her black one-piece suit and a towel, plus a swim cap with ruffles.  "House gave it to Xander."

She looked then frowned.  "I have no idea what this is."  She frowned, taking the vial up to her lab to look it over.  "It's not even from this galaxy!" she yelled a minute later.  She had a short hopping fit then started the link that forced a connection to Rodney's computer.  "I have something that was given to Xander that comes from your area of space and has knocked him into an alternate universe from his drug-induced coma."

Rodney looked at the tiny picture window.  "Thanks for sharing,  I'm fine, how are you?" he asked dryly.  "Why are you wearing that cap?"

"I was swimming until we found out House had knocked Xander into another realm again.  The last one that did that is still in a crystal in some higher power's foyer," she babbled.

He blinked.  "What did he use?"  She faxed the report over the connection.  He stared.  "How in the hell did that get to you!" he shouted.

"I don't know, sweetie.  It was in this vial," she said, holding it up to the camera.  "That is right now in Xander and Sam's somehow involved too.  What do we do?"

"Get Carson down there."  He stared at her.  "Are you all right?"

She grinned.  "I'm fine.  It was a good, but spicy dinner.  Then I went for my nightly swim.  Dawn!" she shouted.  She grinned at him.  "So you've run into this before?"

"Yes, I was not fond of that paranoid not-here."  She groaned, sitting down.  He looked.  "Sit up, you'll ruin your posture."

She looked at him.  "You just want to stare at my breasts."

"That as well," he admitted with a grin.  "I need to come down there soon."

She beamed.  "If you do, I'll take the day off.  Oh, did you see Florida?"

"And swore at Xander's newest case," he said dryly.  "Carson!" he yelled.  "Get your sheepherding ass in here now!"  She giggled.  "I swear he was.  He jabs much too hard with all the needles."

"He's just denying his lust for you.  The same as I pinch you too hard so I can see a claiming bruise, Rod."

He blushed.  "Do you think so?"

"I don't know, ask him."

"No, I couldn't do that.  I'll watch him harder."  Someone came in.  "Finally!  That stupid not-here serum somehow ended up at DCIS and has knocked not only Xander but Sam Winchester into that other place."

Carson leaned down.  "You're sure?"

"Yes!" Rodney said, sounding pissed.  He handed him the report.  Then he swatted him.  "Go fix it!  Before they try to invade.  Because if that's him, they're probably going to with his luck and penchant for getting into trouble that not even *Sheppard* can!"

"How would I get down there?"

Dawn leaned on Abby's shoulder.  "You need a pickup?  Tiff, you guys, Rodney, or just him?"

"If I could, but if I don't fix this one system, the shield may fail.  If Radek wasn't on Earth...."  He glared at someone off camera.  "When is Radek getting back?"

"Next week, on the ship leaving on the third," Sheppard said.  "What's going on?"

"The not-us serum somehow managed to get given to Harris," he said dryly.

"How in the hell?"

"Who knows," he said dryly.  "Go, Carson.  The sooner I get done, the sooner I can go help Abby do her laps."  He looked at her.  "Why the cap again?"

"Have you seen what chlorine does to hair?" she asked.  "I like my hair the way it is.  And so do you."

"Good point."  He smiled.  "It's very cute."  She beamed and blew a kiss.  "Give him ten minutes to get his witch doctor kit together.  Then you can have him for a bit."

"Sure," Dawn agreed.  "Same place?"  Rodney nodded that'd be fine. "And let me know when you need a vacation."

"He can go now," Sheppard said.

"The shield," he said in a 'hello' voice.

"Oh, that.  Damn.  Give him a week to fix this and a few hours to browbeat Zalenka when he gets back," John said with a smile.

Daniel walked in.  "How did that get down here?"

"Don't know," John said.

"Rodney, did you have any left?"

"Ask Carson!  He's coming down to handle it."

He smiled.  "Good.  By the way, the next geek conference, we've *got* to clean out the idea closet as well."  Abby pouted.  "Tough.  There's some dangerous stuff in there.  I don't want it to explode or anything."  He looked at Dawn, who smiled and waved.  "Fine.  Soon, Doctor Beckett?"

"Give me ten to pack things," he agreed, jogging off.

John leaned down closer to the camera.  "Cute swim cap, Abby.  Are we having technical problems?"

"Give me an excuse," Rodney said, smiling at Abby, who gave him a look.  "I could use a visit.  We are having problems with the shield."

"If she can be dressed in the same amount of time," John sighed, walking off shaking his head to tell Sam Carter that.

Abby squealed and ran for her lab closet to find clothes.  She came out and found Dawn had levitated a bag for her and was smirking.  "Thank you!"  She hugged her, bouncing a bit.  "Undies?"

"You'll be wearing them?" Dawn teased with a happy grin.

"He might not like it if I don't."

"Uh-huh."  She shrugged.  "Got any here?  I wasn't about to paw through things.  That's all from your basket in the closet."

"Probably dirty then."  She sniffed.  "Yup, smells like a lab accident."  She sighed and Dawn opened a portal for her.  She grabbed some stuff and underwear and socks, then packed them in her backpack for camping.  She grabbed her sneakers and hairbrush, then soap and shampoo, then hair things as a last thought.  Then her ID card and Dawn walked through to open the portal there.  The first one closed and a new one opened.  "Hi, Carson!"  She gave him a hug and Dawn helped him across while she jogged off.

"Doctor Becket, four more steps to clear the threshold please."   He did that and she closed it. "C'mon, infirmary's in the basement of the main building.  This is Abby's place."

"I noticed the cute picture of her and McKay," he said with his usual Scottish accent.  He followed her down to the infirmary.  "Pretty night."

"Summer in North Dakota," she said with a teasing smile.  She used her pass to get down there, waving at the security guys.  "Someone dosed Xander with bad stuff.  He's a doc from McKay."  They got on and went down there.  "One Scottish doc, House.  Abby's off so if you need her, she's with her snuggly one."  She waved then went over to where Xander was.  She hopped up on the next bed, closing her eyes and dropping down into a meditative state.  "I need Dean's help to pull them back.  He's a good anchor to my rope."  They called him for her.  "They're having dinner," she said when she felt someone stand in front of her.  Warm, callused hands touched her temples and she felt Dean join in.  They grabbed Xander and yanked, bringing Sam with him.  Sam gasped and woke up.  Xander moaned and flipped onto his side, growling at Carson.

Carson drew out the medicine then tried to stick him with it.  He had to dodge the sharp teeth so House took it and Chase came over to hold him down.  "He makes me the restraint so Xander doesn't get his thigh," he said with a grin for the other doctor.  House got him and Xander flinched and tried to move away.  "Hold still, Xander.  It's House and me."  Xander growled deeper.

Sam reached over and smacked him on the top of the head.  "Put the hyena back, Xander."

Dawn got off the bed and came over to cuddle him.  "Pain in my ass," she said in his ear.  He sniffed her then went limp, pulling her in to cuddle.  She sighed.  "Okay, we can do it this way.  What's wrong with him beyond him doing his back again?"

"Head injury, the usual," House told her.  "Wake him up when you can.  Doctor Beckett.  I'm Doctor House, this is Doctor Chase.  That is the most unwilling patient ever, Xander Harris.  How did that get down here?"

He shrugged.  "I don't know but we're looking into it.  McKay is looking at it and Abby's now up there to help."

"Of course she is," Dean said dryly.  "Who wouldn't take the opportunity to go see their lover?"  He smacked Xander on the top of the head.   "Xander?  You in there yet?"

"I'm not sleeping with you.  Get off."

"It's me, Xander.  It was something from John and Rodney's job."

Xander blinked at her then at the other doctor.  "Do they hate me?  That's the third thing that's gotten down here this month."

"What else?" he asked.  He looked a bit horrified.

Xander yawned and nodded him to follow him.  He trudged up to the lab floor, getting into the vault.  He opened his area, tossing things out of his way until he found the small box.  "Those were one.  That's the other," he said, pulling down a glowing crystal.  He stared at him.  "I'm not coming up there no matter how many times you threaten my life to entice me.  I get plenty of life threatening around here."  He trudged off, heading to his apartment.  Dean met him outside.  "Dinner?"

"Probably a good thing since you missed lunch and dinner."  He walked him over to his place, putting Xander on their couch so he could cook from his and Sammy's store of supplies.  No way was Xander getting out of someone's sight.  Just in case he went back to them.

John stomped in.  "What's going on this time?"

"Somehow stuff from Rodney and John's project just infected Xander when House sedated him earlier," Dawn said with a grin.  "Abby's there helping investigate how."  Carson walked in.  "That is... magical," she said, taking the crystal.  It shocked her.  "Ow."  She sucked on those fingers and held it with her shirt's bottom hem.  "Very magical but not our sort or frequency.  Whatever."  She put it onto the bed.  It fizzled and went dim.  "And it likes Xander sweat," she added dryly.  She walked off shaking her head.  "Only Xander."

"Definitely," Sam agreed, following her out.

House looked at Carson.  "Is there a syndrome up there that starts with only certain people can do some things?"

"Yes, but for us it's ATA carriers."

"Xander is one," House groaned.  He shook his head quickly at Chase's look.  "Jackson had me check."

Daniel leaned in.  "We good?"

"We're fine.  The mystical spear of magical stuff that Dawn said is off our magical frequency dimmed at Xander sweat but tried to bite her."

"I'm a *social* scientist, House.  Not a physical sciences person.  I can ask Dawn to get Sam or someone."

Carson smiled.  "Radek's down here."

He beamed back.  "If Rodney trusts him."  He walked off shaking his head to tell Jack that.  Since Atlantis was still *his* headache.

Carson looked at them then shrugged.  "We might need him."

O'Neill stomped in.  "What's going on?"

"Mr. Harris said that these three things came from our project, General."  He put them on the bed.

"I knew that temple was going to cause problems."

"The last I saw this, it was locked in our infirmary," he said, waving the bottle.


"I don't know.  Abby's up helping investigate on that end because McKay's busy with the shields.  Again."

He shook his head to clear that thought.  They were still a weird couple to him.  He hoped Carter wasn't too freaked out by them being together on Atlantis.  "Okay.  Do we have anyone down here but you who can deal with this?"

"Radek Zalenka is coming back from vacation on the next ship out.  He's Rodney's second over the scientists."

"Let me call."  He moved to the phone to call.  "Ernie, it's Jack O'Neill.  I need Radek Zalenka on the DCIS base immediately.  Some cross-contamination.   He's supposed to be going off leave next week.  If he's there we can have him now.  If not, give us a contact number."  He waited, writing it down.  "Thank you."  He hung up and called.  "Is Doctor Zalenka there?  This is General O'Neill.  Head over his project."  The scientist snatched the phone.  "How did three things from your project, one that was locked in your infirmary, get down here, Zalenka?"  He listened to him.  "Sent to Harris actually."

Carson took the phone.  "One was the serum that knocked Rodney into that paranoid mental realm."  He listened.  "DCIS.  Dawn brought me."  He smiled.  "You sure, lad?"  He laughed.  "That's a good reason.  I'll see if I can find out how they got me down so fast.  No, Abby's off helping Rodney investigate from that end.  Shields, again.  Of course."  He looked at Jack.  "His mother's nagging him for children and a wife sometime soon."

"If they're compatible, have some," Jack said with a shrug.  "Danny had Sha're."  Carson gave him a look.  "Someone call Dawn?"  Chase moved to do that. "We need a clear, detailed picture of wherever he wants picked up."

"Agreed."  He said that then hung up.  "He said give him a half hour to get away from his mother's wailing."

"That's fine."  Dawn leaned in the doorframe nibbling on a donut.  "Need a pickup ASAP, Dawn."

"That's fine.  Picture?"

"Coming," Carson promised.  "To Abby's email."

"We can get it."  She walked in and logged in.  "She's using Xander's old one because he gets tips into it from the underworld."  She came up with the picture and smiled, creating an open portal.  He looked then touched it before shrugging and walking through.  "It hasn't harmed Rodney yet, Radek."

He smiled at her and kissed her on the head.  "You're very nice.  Thank you, Dawn."

She smiled and waved at his mother.  "I'm only helping, not marrying him."  She saw something behind her and closed it quickly while he was still waving.  "Those damn knights," she muttered, jogging off.  "Wesley!  I just saw one of those crazy damn knights that wanted to kill me!"

"Oh, dear," he sighed, coming out to get her and go over what had happened.

Zalenka pointed.  "She always seemed so normal before."

"They wanted to kill her because of the portal stuff," Jack said.  He pointed at the bed.  Carson let him examine things.  "I can get you a log-in for the lab, Zalenka.  Abby won't mind."

"That's fine," he said absently, looking at the necklace.  "What's this?"

"Dawn said magic but it's not on our frequency," House said.  "Take it out of the infirmary before I have to stab more people with needles."

"Of course."  Jack walked them up to the lab.  He got one of the lab geeks to come log them in and help them.  Jack walked off at the first scientific question.  This was not his area of expertise.  He found Daniel.  "Zalenka has a log-in."

"His should work."  He called.  "Your log-in should work, Zalenka.  That's fine.  Let me know and I'll make sure you find a place to sleep tonight."  He hung up, calling Cloris.  "We have two visiting scientists."  He smiled.  "One might think he has to sleep in the lab but I'm not that mean, Cloris.  One doc and him.  Thanks."  He hung up.  "She'll go get them keys and directions plus sheets on their beds."  That got a nod.  "Any other issues?"

"That temple?"

"It hasn't been them.  Sheppard saw them recently and they're pouting but Xander went up last month and said it's going well.  They're fine with him."

"Then who is doing it?"

"I don't know.  I'm sure they'll find out."

"Let's hope it's before an invasion."

"Definitely."  They shared a smirk and Daniel held up a paper.  "Your budget doesn't add up."  Jack groaned, taking it from him.  "Add three percent for inflation and problems.  Then use the calculator, Jack."

"Yes, Danny."  He went to do that.

Daniel shook his head but got back to his budget proposal.  Sometimes Jack drove him nuts.


Ronon saw someone jogging and frowned.  "Is that his mate?"  He followed her, hearing the squeal when she pounced.  "Yes it is his mate."  He leaned in.  "Is there a bad problem that I'll need more weapons for?  And is the hat a statement of bonding?"

Rodney gave him an odd look.  "Why would it be?"

"People wear strange things for ceremonies."  He shrugged.  "Your people more than most."

"I was swimming," she said, taking off the cap.  She grinned.  "Hi, Ronon."

"Welcome back."  He smirked.  "I'll let you two get reacquainted."  He left, going to find Tiff and Teyla.  "His mate is up.  She squealed and was wearing a strange, fluffy hat."

Tiff gave him an odd look.  "Abby wears hats?"  He nodded.  "Huh."  She went to say hi.  "Hi."

"It was a swim cap," Abby said with a grin, giving her a hug.  "We will have lunch tomorrow."

"Cool."  She beamed and left them alone since Rodney was clearly groping in the lab and that violated most of his rules.  One of the geeks stomped off to yell at Sam about the lab-groping.  She followed.  "Abby's here."

"I heard."  She looked at the geek.  "Rodney never gets to see her."

"She's not part of this project," she said in a huffy manner.

"No, she's the head of research and the lab at DCIS, which is over us," Sam told her.  The geek squeaked.  "I'll remind them not to make out in the lab.  Okay?"  She walked off sniffling.  "Guess he hadn't driven off her crush yet."

Tiff giggled.  "Ronon was confused.  She was wearing a swim cap."

"Ah.  Well, Abby's a bit strange so I can excuse it.  How much groping is going on?"

"A bit of butt clenching and kissing.  It's cute to watch."

She smiled.  "Go play, Tiff.  You're off this week."  She bounced out to go join one of the football games on a terrace while Sam went to the lab.  She cleared her throat.  "The one who walked off crying because you have a girlfriend complained about the mild groping.  Personally, I don't care.  Try the closet if you're going to cuddle more than that in here," she said, realizing Rodney was doing her shoulders.  She smirked.  "Welcome back, Abby."

"Hi, Sam.  Did you get the newsletter?"

"I did.  Tiff and I both."  She winked and walked off.  It was good to see them being cute and happy.  She went to find the others.  "Carson will be back in a few days," she said as she walked into the infirmary.  "How did that dream world serum get down to the DCIS base?"

They all gave her an odd look then went to look at it.  It was missing.  "We'll figure it out."

"Please.  Abby, from DCIS's lab, is up as well.  So if you need help, ask."

"We can do that," Carson's second agreed.

Sam grinned.  "Good."

"Should we," one coughed, "stock some *supplies*?"

"I don't know.  We don't have some stashed somewhere?"

"Yeah, but it's in the back of the closet after the last time we had to dig."

"Then I'd put a few in a drawer," she agreed with a grin.  "Never hurts to be safe.  Label the drawer and all that if you want."  They smiled.   "Though, there's people who want to see that kid because it'll be the biggest geek yet."  She walked off happier.  Someone had an idea of what to do so they wouldn't be traumatized by baby Abby and Rodney's.   She went to watch the football game, cheering on Tiff.  She was like a little sister most of the time.  Even when she had bounced into a negotiation and nearly gotten herself and Sheppard killed.  Though, they hadn't really wanted him for more than breeding purposes so she had saved him.  And everyone else from a whole planet of little John Sheppards.  She wasn't sure which kids would be worse - which told her she needed a vacation back on earth.


Xander woke up and looked around.  "Am I in the wrong world again?"  Dean came out to stare down at him.  "Why are you nearly naked?"

"You fell asleep on the couch after I fed you dinner, Xander."  Xander grinned at him for that.  "Go back to sleep."  He handed him the pillow off the floor then went back to bed.

"Cute boxers, Dean."

"Faith said so.  Don't drool or I'll have to tell her."

"You're not my kind.  You're straight."  He yawned and snuggled in again.  It was a nice couch to nap on.  He drifted off again, at least until the clicking woke him up.  He frowned, looking around before sitting up.  "What the hell," he muttered, glancing around again.  Sam's light was off so it wasn't him working on something.  He got up and went to look outside then groaned and went to find something to throw at the person with the flamethrower that wouldn't start.  He found a pan and threw it at the guy's head, making him scream and dance off.  The guards came running to pounce him.  He felt someone come up behind him.  "I'll wash the pot."

Dean looked then patted him on the back.  "Sure, you can wash the pot."  He walked off shaking his head.

Xander stumbled to the bathroom in Sam's room then back to the couch.  He snuggled in and went back to sleep.

Sam came out looking amused.  "I needed to get up anyway," he decided.  He heard yelling and went to look outside.  "I guess that's what woke him up."

"No, the guy with the flamethrower woke him up.  He used our pot to hit him," Dean said from his doorway.  They looked at Xander but he only snored back.  They shook their heads and went back to bed.  Xander was very unique.  Thankfully.

The End.

to part 38

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