The Incidences of The Blippy Dohickey 7: Asses and Assholes.
Xander looked at the new marines, staring at one. He knew him fairly well. He had shot at him a few times. "Aren't you ...army?" he asked dryly.
"Yes. I volunteered."
Xander stared at him. "You volunteered, Sterling?"
"You know which one I am?"
"Yeah, not like Buffy did her own gathering of info all the time if she couldn't threaten it into giving in." He stared at him. "You know there's natives and one enemy species?"
"I'm not like that. I was only following orders." Xander stared him down. "I'd never do it again, even if ordered," he said calmly, lifting his chin.
Xander looked at him. "Sheppard knows about it."
"I heard that."
"I want you to disclose that."
John came off the wall and walked over. "I need to know that *my* people aren't going to overreact," he said calmly, staring at him. "Anyone who has any other controversial unit histories or memberships I'd want to know. Even if you changed. The same as I got a full disclosure of what Xander did before and after his learning trips."
"He went on a what?"
Xander smiled. "I'm here as a linguist."
"Oh. From the research on the group?"
"That too." He smiled. "Haven't talked to Graham? He was there to try to make me go to UNIT."
"I'm sorry. That would be a sucky position."
Xander nodded. "Basically. If you guys didn't meet him, this is Colonel Sheppard, military head of this program."
"Does anyone else have anything to disclose to me? Any group memberships or past assignments that may impact how you deal with the natives in the Pegasus galaxy? We do deal with one full enemy and one that's part enemy and part ally depending on which part of the group it is. We have a lot of more simple cultures that have been preyed on for centuries by the main enemy. I need to know if anything you have done will affect that."
"I was SCA," one guy offered.
"That may come in very handy," John admitted. "A lot of the cultures in this galaxy are about that level for technology."
Xander nodded. "With guns when they can."
"You go on missions?" Sterling asked.
"People like Xander," John told him. "We send him on a lot of diplomatic missions. Him and his dragon. Hi, Armand, looking for daddy?" Armand crawled up him instead and purred at him. "What?" He petted him.
Xander sniffed him. "He was in the kitchen." He smiled. "Special treat for tonight." Armand meeped and nuzzled John's neck. "Are you sucking up to him?" He swished his tail, looking over the new people. "These are the new soldiers to the program."
"What is it?" Sterling asked, moving closer. Armand stared at him then meeped quietly. "Hi, little guy."
"His name is Armand and he's my baby dragon," Xander said. "He's well liked on a lot of missions and he loves to play with any kids. They chase each other around for hours on end."
"That's wonderful," Sterling said, stepping back. "How widely know is the project, sir?"
"Not very. The higher ups in both projects know. We did a memory review on Xander so we could figure out how to use him best."
"I'm still not the super geek people think I am," Xander said.
"Shut up, Xander. Yes you are." John smirked at him. "Keep it up, I'm going to make Ronon take you on a run again."
"I'm not a great runner," he complained.
"It's good you make the rest of us feel better at something sometimes," John said with a smile. Xander blushed and shrugged a bit. "If I get as much practice as you've had, I hope I can kick Ronon's ass too." He handed over the dragon, who curled around Xander's chest and neck. "Okay, today we are going to start you training with Xander, Ronon, and Teyla. Ronon and Teyla are natives to this galaxy. They are both highly trained in different fighting styles. Xander has a lot of training that means he can routinely at least tie with Ronon. I won't lie, I can't beat Ronon most of the time and I tie with Teyla a lot. I've been training with them since we joined up with them." They nodded at that as a group. "Because of the wraith and the Genii, we need you guys in as good of shape and able to protect yourself as possible."
"The wraith will usually swoop down in a ship called a dart. They'll beam anyone in their path into it. Your main job is to clear any civilians and then get your own ass out of the way," Xander told them. John nodded. He petted Armand's back. "The wraith don't care which group they take. To them, we're all nummy. They like to get the soldiers more because we fight back and piss them off."
"He's right. Your job is to protect who you can, rescue the rest, and keep your ass from being taken by them. I'm not going to say it's easy. Half the project has ended up taken by a wraith sometime." Xander nodded. "Including him. They do not like Armand by the way. Armand scared the piss out of them." Armand let out a quiet meep, getting a pet and a smile from John. "We'll be briefing all of you tomorrow about all that. Today, we're going to test you, sort you into skill groups for sparring practice, and see if you have any other skills that we could use. Like Xander's skills in botany." Xander beamed. "Got it?" They all nodded. "Good. Since there's no females, Teyla, you take the right half."
"I can do so," she agreed, stepping forward. "Split there. Ronon will go through them faster than I will."
"Yes he probably will." They split up and Xander got out of the way since he had the dragon. John looked at him. "You good?" he asked quietly.
Xander shrugged, petting his dragon again. "I'll be fine. Some day I'll find someone who wants me for more than my ass."
"I'm sure you will." He looked at him. "Then what?"
Xander shrugged. "Life's pain or else you're walking dead."
"What about someone who's been there?"
"They do much better together than I do with either of them. Maybe short term but not lifelong. Jack actually has someone that I nagged him to treat better." John patted him on the back. Armand shifted to get John to pet him too. "You're so spoiled," he told him. Armand meeped happily. "I know. I miss my plants too."
"The last email packet said that Morticia and Gomez are both fine. Daniel's taking care of them and your library. You guys are going back on the next run back." Xander nodded at that. "This was an unscheduled trip but they got out of SG bootcamp quicker than we thought due to their pasts." He gave him a slight nudge. "Kissen showed back up too. He was nearly bouncing and floating." Xander beamed. "He said your buddy was happier and had found a new cute girl to go with."
"That's cool." He watched the group. "They're wiping the floor with them."
"They are," he agreed, grimacing. "They're going to take a lot of work."
"Yeah, they are." He handed Armand to John and walked out there. "All right, everyone who's recovered, you get me." They lined up and Xander got to work on their problems. They had so many problems. Sterling got passed into the intermediary group and so did two with commando experience. Xander sparred with them and one of the commandos lasted more than a few minutes so he got moved into the top group. The other two stayed in the intermediary. The rest John lined up to help them. They'd need to hit the ground ready to move if they had to. There was no planet in the galaxy that was totally peaceful and nice to them. Even if the people were, the plants and animals weren't.
Xander walked in that night and paused at the applause, looking down at himself then giving them an odd look. "What?"
"The new treats," Evan called.
"Wait a week," Xander said with a grin. They all laughed. He got dinner and sat down, smiling at Rodney. "Sorry they made the lemon bars first."
"It's all right. I have that white chocolate you gave me."
"Yes you do."
"Why did you get white chocolate?" Ronon asked, pouting slightly.
"Before we knew we were going to come up, I sent him a few new textbooks and a hunk of white chocolate." Xander dug in. "The new guys will come along."
Ronon nodded. "If they don't run away. Why is Armand expanded?"
Xander looked over the balcony, down at his dragon. "What are you doing?" he demanded. Armand cooed at something in the water. "Okay. What is it?" He meeped then purred at the water.
John looked down. "Don't invite anything up unless they're friendly, Armand." Armand snorted and got back to talking to his new friend.
Jon came over to look down then at Xander. "It's nice he's making friends."
"I'll check on it after I eat."
"Thanks," John said. He smiled at the watching people. "Armand's found a friend in the water."
"There was that large creature when I was sunk," Rodney offered.
"That could be," he agreed. A large scaly head came over the edge of the balcony. "No, you can't eat unless you shrink," he told him. "You're too big to beg in that form." He heard a quiet, mournful meep and looked at him. "You're too big, you'd need to eat Ronon."
Armand shrank and came running in, pouncing Xander to get half of his plate. Xander groaned. "You weigh a ton, dragon." He handed him half and Armand happily munched, waving his tail around. When he was done he went to suck up to some other friends but Xander saved them from the begging by grabbing him and carrying him back to the table. "John, either of you, are we doing anything beyond me translating and training while we're here?"
"Yes you are," John Sheppard said with a smug grin. "Your team, my team, and a few select others are going to attend a conference with some Genii from the main group."
"Oooh," Xander said, shivering. "Cool. Tomorrow?"
"Really cool!" He beamed at his team leader, who groaned. "What?"
"No fights. They're the peaceful side of them."
"I know that." He petted his dragon, then watched him wiggle down and head over to one of the females from the medical team. He frowned. "He doesn't usually go near the nurses." Armand patted her on the leg, staring at her. She frowned at him. He meeped and climbed up to sit in her lap, resting his head on her shoulder. "Awww, he's giving you a hug."
"He's very comforting," she said. She patted him and he purred in her ear, making her smile. "I like you too, Armand. Thank you." He stared at her. "I'm okay." He cuddled her some more.
"I think my dragon's a bit empathic," Xander said quietly. He glanced at Doctor Keller, who was watching and frowning some.
Keller walked over to talk to her, getting a sniff and the dragon being cuddled harder. He didn't seem to mind. She walked her out to talk to her. With the dragon who wouldn't let her go.
"I believe you're right, the dragon's an empath," Tilla said. "Huh, good to know."
"What next, water sprites coming up to shine his scales?" Jon asked dryly.
"No, let's not have water sprites anywhere," Xander said quickly. "Please, Jon? I'll beg."
Both Johns looked at him and shook their heads in the universal 'I don't wanna know' way.
Rodney shuddered. "I agree, I don't particulary want to see those mean things up here either." Tilla and Fischer gave him an odd look. "I'm the one who watched the memories we did for his disclosure."
"I only saw about a quarter," John agreed. "Did I see the water sprites?"
"Did you see me fishing on that place that had the green sky and purple moon?" Xander asked.
"Probably a good idea if you want to keep eating," Xander said dryly.
"Sure, no water sprites." He stuffed his mouth.
Teyla came in and sat down, staring at Xander. "She said you are very dangerous but fairly cute. But she does not feel the necessary things for you."
"I didn't figure she would since only bad girls like me, Teyla." He patted her on the hand. "It's okay. It was nice to go out on a date with a nice girl."
She smiled. "Thank you for understanding."
"Not a problem." He ate another bite, noticing Armand sneaking back in. "You start begging others and I get to spank," he warned. The dragon let out a pitiful meep. The Air Force nurse next to him cooed. "If you feed him, he'll keep coming back to beg you some more."
"It's nice to have someone beg me for things," she assured him, feeding him a bite of her meatloaf. Armand nuzzled her leg, earning a smile. "You're a charmer, Armand. You probably learned from your human parent." He meeped and nuzzled her again, walking under the table to get back to Daddy and the hairy friend. He climbed up Ronon's back to play with his hair.
Xander looked over. "What is your fascination, Armand?"
"I do not know but it's different than having a woman play with it," Ronon joked. Armand licked him on the ear. "Eww." He got a purr and the dragon went back to playing with his dreadlocks. "If only women liked me like he does."
"Amen, brother," Xander sighed. "There's not that many evil girls left in the universe."
Jon looked at him. "Maybe we'll start on the slightly naughty ones then?"
"No, I've dated plenty of them. Taught some of the strippers some new moves too." Rodney choked. "What?" he asked.
Rodney walked off choking. "Need help?" John called after him. Rodney shook his head, before he banged it into a wall.
"I think that was 'my mind is now scarred'," Fischer teased Xander.
Xander shrugged. "Should've seen it when my car broke down before I blipped, Fischer."
"TMI," Sheppard said firmly.
"Yes, Oh Great One of the hair."
"Are they still calling him that?" Teyla asked. John moaned, shaking his head as he walked off.
"Yup. They wanted to invite him back for the planting festival. They thought he might help promote fertility among the crops."
"For the crops or the women?" Ronon asked.
"The way she said it? All seed is good seed that night."
"Hmm. Perhaps we will go. Weir said it was good to understand cultural rituals." He stuffed his mouth.
Teyla looked at him. "I will not comment on that. That is clearly something for males to enjoy."
Xander launched into a story about a spring planting festival back during druid times, without mentioning the sacrifice of an enemy that had been captured. She blushed but stared at him through it.
Rodney came back. "Human sacrifice?" he asked dryly.
"An enemy. Not part of the later celebration."
"Uh-huh." He took his plate up to throw out. Ronon got John's and they went to hide from Xander and his strange mind. Teyla decided to talk to him more about other strange spring planting rituals. Her people had nothing like that. They had a feast, not feasted on their partners in the middle of the fields to help fertilize the ground and their wives.
Rodney walked up to where Xander was yet again asleep on a couch in an atrium. He sighed in displeasure. The boy clearly needed some mentoring right about now. But that wasn't why he was there. He carefully slipped the bracelet the kid wore off and walked it off to scan it in one of the advanced labs. He found Armand wandering back inside. "Daddy's on a couch by Sheppard's hall." The dragon trotted off, finding Daddy and snuggling into his arms. Xander smiled and cuddled him.
Rodney set the bracelet in the cup and started the scan while he finished the math equations he would need to know by heart to make the thing work. The power structure was a problem but perhaps they could use naqquadah? At least temporarily?
Woolsey walked into John's office the next morning. "Why is it that Harris is yet again sleeping in an atrium? Did we not give him a room?"
"I think the noise is helping him for a bit. He's spent a lot of time working in that atrium. Last night I think he worked until he passed out again actually." He looked up at him. "He's fine."
"Others are giving him mushy looks."
"Super geeks work until they drop and then get up and work again, Woolsey."
"Does his room not have a balcony?"
"I think it's got a small one but I think in this case it's more that he's needing to hear people. The first time he was ...there's stages to burn out," he decided to start over. "At first, Xander needed the peace and quiet to finish calming down. Now that he's done that he's having to reconnect to people. The noise of others, even if they're not really around him, is good for him. He's napped a few times in the lab, even with McKay throwing a screaming fit at some of the botany crew."
"No it's fairly reasonable. He spent a long time alone. Or with ex's who wanted him for his body, not for him. It's not going to get better for months but he is getting better."
"So we should let him sleep out there?"
"If we could get him up when he slept without threat of being stabbed or shot, I might intervene but I doubt it'll help him. Beyond that, we can't make him stop working until he dropped, like last night. We've seen McKay do it in the lab and end up on his desk."
"I have seen that. So that's his version of it?"
"That and I think the sounds of people are helping his burnout a lot. That's why he picks those places to work. Since he doesn't need a lab."
"Why didn't he just be the goofy kid he was?" he asked dryly.
"Who would have respected a twenty-one-year-old civilian with a lot of languages?" he countered. "We would have all wondered. None of the soldiers would have relaxed around him. They would still be wondering if he was a plant or a threat."
"I didn't think about that."
"Exactly. This way they had a good reason why he knew things he shouldn't know. It let him make himself comfortable and kept the people that would bother or piss him off away for a longer time. It also let people come to him for specific reasons, getting them used to him. Then he could relax back into the goofy kid he is underneath. None of the soldiers would've trusted him in the field on missions if we didn't know he had experience. We would've demanded he be put through boot camp. Even knowing that he had helped out in his former town and it was commando-vigilante style action there."
"I suppose that does make sense. It's still disturbing to see someone napping on a couch."
"Others have done it. Sometimes not being alone is the best thing you can have."
"Is he having PTSD issues?"
"I don't know but I'm sure he has some. I don't know why. I haven't asked why. I know Jon O'Neill was twitting him about nightmares again, and why he had one every single time he slept since he was sixteen."
"That is but plenty of us have them. He's never had a being that gave a damn about *him* and he's still learning what real friends are because his are bitchy."
"Is he staying?"
"If they didn't have the Ori threat, probably. Unfortunately he's got to deal with Adria since he's about the only one who can defeat her when she moves to draw on power."
"I can understand that."
"That's why they're going back in two weeks."
"I'll warn Caldwell he'll find him sleeping in the mess or something," he said grimly, going to his own office.
John shook his head, walking down to where Xander liked to work, and therefore nap. Jon was already there staring at him. "Where's his bracelet?" Jon held it up. "Fell off?"
"McKay removed it." He put it into his pocket. "He's not having a nightmare."
"Having someone there can help," he reminded him quietly.
"Yeah, I guess. Mine never got helped by company."
"Yours were from different sources."
"Good point." He coughed loudly. It woke Armand, who glared at them and put his head back down. "I think that was a dragon version of 'let him sleep'," he said dryly.
"Me too." He sighed. "Xander?" he called loudly, making him jump. "Hey, calm down. You fell asleep on a couch. People were having mushy thoughts about you, kid." He helped him up. "You okay?"
Xander nodded, rubbing his eyes. "Yeah, I'm good. Thanks, John."
"Welcome. I don't want to tempt any of my people to go that evil," he said with a grin.
Xander smiled. "I'm a good reason to go bad." He looked at his wrist. Jon tossed it over. "It fell off?"
"One of the scientists wanted to see what it ran on. Go shower and hit your own bunk for an hour, then sparring practice." He walked off.
John patted him on the shoulder, feeling how the muscles bunched up underneath his hand. "It'll be okay, Xander." He got a brown eyed, confused blink up at him. "It's kinda clear that being out here helps sometimes. I get that. Pick the one by the lab so you don't get the soldiers cooing at you later?"
"I.... That's not..."
"Xander, I've had burnout before. I was well at the point where all I wanted was silence," he said quietly. Xander nodded at that. "I know how much it helps sometimes to hear the noise. I don't mind. I had to explain it to Woolsey because he was confused, but I get it. Just pick a less accessible place so the Marines don't go gooey minded." He smiled. "I can't afford to send them all back for wanting you as a teddybear."
"I doubt they would."
"Some might." He helped him up. "Go shower, eat, whatever." He nodded, going to do that. He stared back at the dragon since he was staring at him. "What?" Armand nuzzled him and purred then hurried after his father. "I like you both too," he said, smiling at the sight. A mother henning dragon. Was that really strange when you're standing on Atlantis in another galaxy?
Woolsey stopped Xander that night when he caught him working in the labs. "Shouldn't you hit your bunk?" he asked quietly.
"Not tired yet." He went back to typing. "This has to get done soon."
"It's waited thousands of years. I'm sure it will last another night." He moved closer. "Your work habit is commendable, Specialist Harris, but it is scaring the crap out of some of the others," he said quietly. Xander gave him a confused look. "Everyone realizes that you working in crowded, public areas probably has a meaning. Most of us believe it's because you've been alone for too long. A few of the scientists have wondered if we're going to have to have another run-in with one of your former paramours."
"Not likely. The shield will stay up and it's not taking that much power."
"Good to know. What about the others?"
"One might check on how Rodney is doing with his alternate power research. He's not mean, just pouty because he didn't respect me so I left."
"That's always a wise move in a bad relationship. Plenty of people are wondering if you and your team had a falling out?"
"Not yet. They're off being busy doing their assigned things. I spend most of my time on the main base either in my office or in the mess."
He considered it. "Does no one burst into your office?"
"No. Because I shortcutted the respect train by not coming in as the former Xander. No one would've respected a twenty-one-year-old kid with homegrown commando experience and they would've put me in a cell most likely once Landry wasn't looking."
"So if I wanted any respect I had to come in being...me. That scared some people. Sam Carter still doesn't like to walk into my office because she can't figure out how I put up multiple new spaces or increased the space in my office since they gave me a closet."
"Yeah, a seven by thirteen closet." Woolsey moaned. "Jack knew I was going to expand the space."
"I suppose that's reasonable." He stared at him. "So you don't make many friends on the main base?"
"I have some. Some are still trying to hide and I have to keep defeating the rumor that I'm an ancient. Because, who really wants to be that boring?" Woolsey smiled. "Frankly, Landry told me it was creepy how I was working in a corner of the gateroom. Everyone decided I was expecting my ex to come back and attack the base to kidnap me," he finished dryly.
"I understand the allure of being around people, even if they are ignoring you," he promised. "But you can't sleep in the atrium. Others have been giving you mushy looks. Some of the Marines have found themselves confused as to why they wanted to take pictures of you cuddling your dragon when you sleep." Xander shrugged a bit, looking down. "Pick a more discrete noisy place than an atrium." Xander pointed at the lab corner. "If McKay doesn't mind," he sighed.
"Radek swatted the last one who did."
"I'll make sure tomorrow. Tonight, find your bunk. You could probably use the softer sleeping surface and the ability to stretch out for a change." He walked off.
Xander shrugged, getting back to work. He had to get this done before his mission tomorrow.
Radek came on shift an hour later and kicked him out of the lab, walking him back to his room and locking him inside. He kept his laptop so he had to rest. "You need rested before your mission," he ordered. He went back to the lab to see what new things he had been translating. They hadn't asked for anything specific so he was doing whatever sections caught his attention. There were some interesting things on there. "I had no idea they had a spring festival."
John Sheppard looked back at Xander. "Be calm, behave," he ordered quietly.
"I am! Damn grumpy people this morning!" He stared at them. "Major," he said, making Lorne jump. "You have my medical kit. Can I have it back?" He dug it out and handed it over. "Thank you." He walked closer. "I'm a field medic. We can stare at each other for hours on end but let me stitch their wounds," he told the leader.
"You are not one of them."
"Yes I am. Can't see the patches?" he asked dryly. "I may not be a full doctor but I have stitched many injuries, including my own. It makes no sense to make your people suffer." The man looked at his people, who stepped forward. "Her too. I can see the cut bleeding from here. I know she's only a local liaison but she's still in pain."
"She got scratched by some plant," one of them told him. "We have to test it for things."
"My scanner can detect poisons," Rodney offered. He stepped forward to scan her. "Not poisonous."
Xander looked. "It almost looks like my plant back in my lab got you," he said with a smile. "Long, waving tentacles?" She nodded. "Suckers on them?" She nodded. "It thought you'd make a good meal." She groaned. "The spit isn't poisonous but it does block feeling sometimes. Rodney, want to be my nurse?"
"That's fine," he agreed. He handed him what he needed to stitch her injury then the others' from helping her get away from the plant.
The Genii leader looked at them for a few minutes then looked at John. "Is he a nurse?"
"No, he's a linguist. His past field experience made him take medic classes for field treatment."
"That's not a bad idea," he admitted.
"We find it very handy," he agreed. He smiled when Xander finished up. "Xander, Armand found a friend," he said with a point.
Xander looked. "Armand, no trees. We'll be beaming again soon." The dragon grumbled. "And no mushrooms. They make you puke green foam. Especially ones on trees. She'll give you pepto again." He walked over grumbling but stole Rodney's powerbar, getting a swat. Xander handed Rodney his spare one. "Not like I eat those, they're gross." He got back to cleaning the injuries. "Don't you guys have field rations?" he asked at the amused looks.
One nodded. "They are not tasteful," she agreed.
"Exactly. Even the ones that're flavored with chocolate or other tasty things. They taste like the wrapper." She nodded. He finished up and looked them over. "Any others?" No one said anything. "I can do anything short of surgery, including removing poisoned thorns, bullets, that stuff."
One coughed. "I have one that needs removed but it is in a delicate spot so would need a real doctor." Xander pulled him closer so he pointed at it. Xander looked at the scan Rodney did. "Hmm. Not a bad placement." He could shift it manually. "I can get it out. The problem would be an infection. Do you guys have antibiotics?"
"Yes. Our doctors said it was growing into my backbone."
"No. It's still real loose. Close to it but loose." He looked at his kit. "Jon?" He tossed him something, making Rodney catch it. He pulled out the scalpel and stuff to numb him. "Are you allergic to anything?"
"No. Including your medicines."
"This'll burn for a second." He injected it and rubbed the spot, then used the scalpel to make the small incision. "I need forceps," he said quietly. Rodney handed some over. He pulled it out and dropped it into the guy's hand. "Sponge or gauze." He packed it and put a bandage over it. "In two hours, and before six have gone, have someone stitch that," he ordered calmly. "That gives it time to scab but no time to infect. It should seal with a very small scar."
The soldier nodded. "Thank you."
"It's not a problem. I hate seeing injured people." He packed up things and used a plastic bag to put anything dirty into. "There. No others?" he asked the leader. "Is that a boil?"
"It was released last night."
Xander pinched it and more puss came out. "It needs drained again." He walked off after handing him a wet wipe. The containers got put back into the packs and he looked at John. "Thank you."
"Welcome. We're at peace with them. I have no problem with humane aid."
The Genii leader nodded, pressing on his boil. "Pull it apart instead of squeeze," Rodney ordered. "Those are caused by skin infections." He nodded and did that. The guy helping him grimaced at it but even the solid stuff came out this time. He looked at John. "We can start the negotiations?"
"We can." They set out camp chairs so they could get comfortable. This was going to be a long talk.
Xander was watching the area around them instead of listening to the negotiations. He stiffened as Armand sniffed then grew in size. "Wraith!" he said sharply. The camp got broken quickly and they moved into the trees. Xander got Lorne out of the way of a beam and fired on it. Armand swatted the dart down. Another two showed up with a third behind it. He fired on them, ducking out of the way of a beam. Armand swatted another but it didn't crash, just got forced off course, and the rest open fired.
The last one was brought down first and wraith came out. Xander took them on, moving one of the idiots out of his way. He pulled something off his armband and threw it after pulling the pin. It expanded on the way over to the wraith then blew them and a big damn crater. He pulled off another gun and shot the one coming back for another time. John took another gun from him and Xander muttered the growing spell, tossing one at Jon too.
They fired and the wraith went down. The last one headed back for the gate but McKay had stuck a remote dialer on it and dialed it halfway so it wouldn't get away. They went chasing after it, finding it trying to dial out. Xander pulled off something else and threw it at Armand. "Bat it, baby." He batted it at the dart, making it explode just above it. It went down and they picked off the remaining wraith. Xander stared. "That was easy."
"Too easy," Jon agreed.
"Search 'em," John ordered. They went onto the ships and shot any of the hiding wraith.
The Genii helped get the ones closest to them. When they were sure, they met again in the clearing. "What sort of weapons are those?" he asked John. "You have bigger guns than those you usually carry?"
"Only him," he said dryly. Xander smiled and waved. "He gathered them illegally on a few trips before he joined the program." Xander nodded, still grinning. "It's good he likes us sometimes."
"Landry confiscated the rest for program use," Xander quipped.
"He should look at all your miniature ones," Jon assured him.
"You nark and I'm *so* cursing you to impotency."
"Not like I'm dating," he shot back with a smirk.
"And I can make sure no little ones ever come into being. A permanent cockring spell."
"Ow," Lorne muttered. "Stand down, you two." He looked at the Genii, who were looking amused. "He's his team leader," he said with a point. "Xander clearly needed more coffee this morning."
"I had some."
"We have heard his name talked about," the female Genii said. "When I was scavenging that outpost, the locals talked of him."
Xander beamed. "Did I fix dolls there?" She nodded. "The kids needed the happiness."
"I agree. It made them happier." She looked at her leader. "They say he is not the normal Lantean."
"So I have heard," he agreed. "What are you?" he asked Xander.
"I happened to run into a machine that gave me memories of someone else and led me to travel some more."
"Ah. A machine of the ancient's?"
"Not around here but something like that, yes."
"No wonder you know more languages so young. Does he need to pull out the medical kit?"
Xander nodded. "That is why. Guys, any more injuries?" he asked.
"Just scratches on our side," Lorne said. The Genii nodded at that. "So let's get back to talking. We need Xander to translate more about an ancient spring celebration later on."
"Interesting," the head Genii admitted. They sat down to work out the trade agreement. They would honor this one because that one being was scary and might go against them. There was no telling what he could do if he could make weapons tiny and yet still useful. He did ask Sheppard, who admitted they had no idea how he did it. It was a gift from how and where he was born. They decided to think about that matter. For now. They would have to plan how to get that one on their side instead of the Lanteans. He could do much to help them wipe out the wraith. The dragon creature had went back to lap sized and was playing with the one they called Ronon. Maybe he was his and they could ask how he was created after they studied what they had seen.
Xander looked up from his packing when the door beeped. "Enter." Ronon walked in with Armand cheeping at him. "What are you doing?" he asked his dragon, taking him back.
"He seemed quite insistent that I come see you," Ronon said.
Xander looked at his pet. "What are you doing?" Armand nosed his necklace then at Ronon. He gave him an expectant look.
"Did he just want you to shrink me so you could take me with you?" Ronon asked.
"I think he did," Xander admitted, staring at his pet. "He can't come back with us, Armand. He needs to protect up here for now. You can ask John Sheppard if he can visit sometime soon." Armand went limp, looking pitifully at Ronon.
"No, if I go to earth, it will be for a reason, not packed as a present."
The dragon made pitiful noises at him. "Go ask Sheppard." The dragon hopped down and went to talk to his favorite begging subject. He would help him! He looked at Ronon. "Sorry," he said quietly.
"It's good to be adored. I'll have to tell a woman sometime about this so she'll want to pack me the same way."
Xander leered. "I might offer but I know you like girls, big guy."
"Yes, I do. Otherwise I would have taken you in, paddled you into better behavior, and made you train more than translate. My mate must be a warrior." He walked out looking smug. Armand had grown and was carrying John by his collar, making Ronon stop. "No, I cannot be packed that way. We will visit the next time one of us is in the same galaxy." Armand dropped John, making him groan. "Are you all right?"
"I wondered why he pulled me out of my office." He stood up. "What's going on?"
"He wants to have Xander shrink me so he can pack me."
John looked at the dragon. "I need him to protect us. Otherwise the mean things like the wraith will take me, Rodney, and Teyla. Or Lorne. They really want him so Ronon protects him."
Armand shrunk, making pitiful noises at Ronon. Ronon picked him up to hold. "I will see you as soon as we are back on earth or the next time you show up here. It will not be long. Your father is more enjoyed up here." The dragon nuzzled. "Harris?" he called.
He came out, taking his dragon carefully. "You know we'll be back in a few months," he said dryly. "Until then we have to go kick Adria's ass. She's a mean and evil woman." Armand growled at him. "Not one I'm going to date," he sighed. Armand cheeped at that, seeming to grin. "We'll be back up once we've beaten Adria again. Okay?" He nuzzled is friends and let Xander walk him off shaking his head.
Ronon looked at John. "I didn't think he was that strong."
"He's very strong. He pulled me across my desk." They walked off together, him going back to his office. He waved at the Marines gearing up to rescue him. "Armand wanted me to convince Ronon to let himself be packed."
One of the marines went 'awww' and the rest cackled. Lorne looked at him. "You okay, sir?"
"I'm fine. He was very gentle when he was carrying me off like a toy." He went back up to his office, settling down to rearrange things on his desk. He might never live that one down. Or Ronon.
Ronon woke up that night to something chewing on his hair. He looked up at the dragon. "How did you get into my room?" Armand went back to gnawing on one of his braids. Ronon realized what he was doing so he got up and cut that one off, handing it to him. The dragon cuddled it, curling up next to him. "You should be with your human." Ronon got a warm blast of smoke against his side, but not too hot. It was like a heating pad. "Thank you." He petted him and it was nice. He hadn't had a pet to sleep with in a while.
Xander got handed Armand by Ronon. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.
"He wanted one of my braids." He shrugged. "That's fine with me." Xander grinned and gave him a short hug then let Armand nuzzle Teyla, Rodney, and John. Xander put the braid into the small pack on Armand's back and it was good enough for them. "Behave, dragon, and we will see you soon," Ronon told him. Armand cheeped happily and waved his tail, snuggling around daddy's neck on the way through the stargate.
Once at Midway, Jon looked at them. "Is he okay?"
"He misses Ronon. He even went in to chew one of his braids off so he could keep it."
"Aww," he said dryly. "I heard he carried Sheppard off."
"He wanted me to shrink Ronon so I could pack him too."
Jon snickered. "I'm not sure if the general would like that or not." They got passed back through to earth and Armand ran through first, being his bouncy self. They came through and found him climbing up Cam and meeping. "What are you doing?" Jon asked dryly.
"I think he wants to show him his Ronon braid." Cam opened the bag and Armand pulled it out to hold up and show him. "Yup."
"It's very nice of him to give you one," Cam promised, petting him. He carefully put it back. "There you go. Now, go play with daddy? You're a bit heavy."
"Backache?" Xander guessed. He took his dragon back. "We'll put that in your bed." He petted him. "I give killer backrubs if it'll help."
"No, I'm good. A bit of a strain. I took some aleeve."
"You sure? No strings attached."
"No, I'm good. Go help Jackson with his stacks of translations?"
"Sure, I can go make them do their own work," he said dryly. He went to drop Armand and his braid into the office. He dropped his own bags and went to Daniel's office. He had a foot high stack of necessary work to get done that he was napping beside. Strange how none of them was originally his. He gathered what he wanted and went to hand it back out. One gasped. "I don't care," he said patiently.
"Daniel is not the translating God and he does not need to do your work as well. He has to go out and threaten the Ori and the Gou'ald so he can't do your work too, lazy bitch." He kept going. "Singers!" She snapped awake. "Good! You know Summerian too!" He handed her that paperclipped together thing. "Yours. Daniel is too busy to do your work too." He walked off, taking the rest back to the other people in anthropology. "Yo!" he shouted as he walked in. "Daniel and I have more important things to do than to carry lazy bitches who can't do their own work. We have to go out and threaten the universe now and then so we can't take the stuff you don't want to do."
He put the stack down. "That's yours. Not his." He walked off again. He got to work on his own things. When he was done with his six projects he went to check on the others, casually wearing his laser pistol on his hip. They groaned and got back to work. Any work that appeared magically back on Daniel's desk got handed back with a glare. He didn't care who complained, they were too busy to carry the rest of th department.
"Those who are behind *clearly* need to get their brains flowing again. Anyone who is behind can join me on my daily five mile run if you'd like," he said with a smug look. That got a mass horrified look. "Because we can put more geeks on teams you know. Then you have to be in shape. Because if Daniel and I can do it, so can you!" He gave them a winning smile. "Then you guys can do your jobs and go out to get into trouble in the universe!" They got back to work.
One scowled. "I'm second-in-command in linguistics, Harris," he complained.
"Then you should be able to do your own work without pawning it off on Daniel. Because we're *busy*," he said slowly and clearly. "We have more than this to do. If I can go to Atlantis with a clean desk, even with more projects than you guys do, and come back with a clean desk, even with being sent some projects, then you can at least do your own work."
"You never come out of your office," he complained.
"And? You sit in yours all day on Facebook!" He moved closer. "Daniel and I are both *really* tired of pulling everyone else's weight as well as our own. We already get at least double the amount of work they ask you guys to do. Then you sit on your ass updating your personal notes. She sits there to talk to her virtual girlfriend. He sits there and leers at his porn. I can make sure Sam Carter blocks the internet if it'll help you guys get your own work done. Because I have better things to be doing than your work on top of my work. So update your little friends on Facebook that your boss is mean and if you don't do your own work, there's going to be daily 5K runs so you guys can get your brains back in working order. Because my stop after Carter's abode of hell, is the Caf to ask her to limit all sweets to linguistics that aren't doing their own work. Your choice."
"I'll go to Landry," he sneered.
"General to Linguistics," Xander called over the intercom. He came in a minute later looking confused. "I believe it'd be a good idea for those who can't find the time to do their own work in between their online lives to go on a daily 5K run, sir. Because we do need more of them on teams. None of these ones are ready."
Landry looked at the horrified faces. "He's right, we do need some of you to join away teams." They groaned.
"It can't just be me and Daniel going out to threaten the universe and make us new enemies," Xander quipped dryly. "Since clearly some of you need some head clearing time, some time across the gateway running away from natives with weapons should help! Jon said trees are very good for your brain."
Landry smothered a smirk. "Did they give you more of their work again?"
"I walked into Daniel's office and found nearly a foot high stack of things that weren't his." He looked at him. "I gave them back, sometimes to someone new, and went to do the six projects I kept." He handed them over. "They're still not done with single ones. I think their brains are stuttering thanks to the online porn, the virtual boy and girlfriends, and the Facebook/Twitter issues."
"I can see that point being valid," he agreed. The linguists were starting to look like they were going to throw up a mutiny. "But if they're doing their work they should have free time if nothing else has come in."
Xander looked at the stack of things on a table that needed to get done then at him. "I decoded a third of the non-virtual Atlantis database in six weeks."
Landry looked. "I agree, that's a bit backlogged. A brain clearing run through the woods around the mountain might help," he admitted. "We do need them in better shape too."
Xander beamed. "If they keep slacking, I'm going to ask the caf to not let them have sweets. I'm tired of being their sled dog."
"I agree. You do more work than they do plus you're on an away team. They should be able to do normal levels of work." A few gasped. "So we'll monitor the internet usage and the amount of work that gets handed in. The more handed in, the more free time we'll allow. Those who are totally slacking, we'll look at for away team usage since clearly quiet lab work isn't your thing. I'm sure I can get Colonel Mitchell or Major Tyler to help you get ready for away team work." He clapped Xander on the back. "Where is Doctor Jackson?"
"Still asleep on his desk."
"Good. Check on him. I'll expect a progress report later tonight," he told the official second-in-command. Who was seething. "We've been waiting over six weeks on some of this."
"No, that's in mine," Xander told him. "There's no reason to wait that long for anything with twenty of us on staff."
"I agree," he said. "Go help Teal'c with the new recruits once you lock Doctor Jackson's door." Xander nodded, going to do that. He stared at his geeks. "If you guys don't push your work off on others, they don't get upset. Jackson himself had suggested that we dump some of you who never seem to do any work." He left, taking the translations up to his office. The kid could defend himself if the linguists got mean. A few hours later he got called down there about Armand nearly snapping a few of them in two. They weren't happy linguists and Cam Mitchell was handling it. They got to go on that promised 5K run after all. "Thank you."
"Welcome. They tried to break into Xander's office." He looked around, finding Daniel wandering and muttering. "Jackson," he said, getting his attention. "Hit your bunk."
"I just got up," he mumbled, blinking a few times. "Why are we all in the hallway and did Xander take some of my work from me again?"
"No, he handed it back to the rightful owners," Cam said dryly. "Go get some coffee, Jackson." Daniel nodded, heading for the pot. He glared at the others. "Go back to work unless you want to join them topside." They stomped off.
Carter looked over from where she had joined them. "The internet's going down," she decided. "Daniel hasn't slept in days again apparently and Xander's ready to kill them I think."
"He suggested a good 5K run to get their brains working," Landry told her. "And that their internet and sweets allowances be cut for a bit."
"Good!" she agreed. "Because now they're making me cranky." She walked off to set that up.
Cam shuddered. "I'm sorry she has PMS, sir," he said quietly.
"It's better that than a team-wide sugar rush," he said dryly, walking off again.
Mitchell shuddered. "That's a bad mental thought, sir." He walked off. Harris was helping train the newbies. Jon was watching those doing their runs. It was maybe a better day. He ran into Jackson and his large mug of coffee. "Range time tonight, Jackson."
"Yes, mother," he said dryly. "I won't bait anyone for days." He went into his office and looked at his desk. Then he shut and locked his door so they couldn't overload him again. It was nice of Xander to remind them that he had other work to do. He settled down to sip his coffee and do things he hadn't been able to do for months. Of course, he couldn't get into his email at the moment. He went to get Xander's laptop. He could *always* get online. He really had to learn enough magic to learn how to do that, his cellphone thing, and how to teleport ten feet out of a cell.
General Landry looked at the base the next day. "I am looking to make a few new teams and fill in some spots that have been vacated for one reason or another," he announced. "That means there are now eleven science spots, twelve for linguists who enjoy translating on the go, and seventeen sergeant or better military spots." He waited while a few people cheered. "You will of course have to test up to our standards for the regulation skills. If some of more academic people don't step up, I will take recommendations from unit heads."
Jon raised his hand. Landry pointed at him so he stood up. "I think the geeks going on digs and other off-site scientific missions should be able to meet up at least most of the way to qualifications, sir. We know they're an easy target otherwise."
"I can agree with that and I was about to announce that myself, Major." He looked around. "He's right. Anyone working off-site from the Mountain, either on digs or Atlantis, have to be able to meet up to mandatory requirements. It's been too often we've mourned members of the science and other academics' staffs because an exploration site got attacked. The answer is not more guards to watch over them, but the scientists themselves being able to protect themselves if necessary. That is why I am putting up new requirements for going off-base on missions. If you cannot meet them, you cannot go."
Xander raised his hand. "Sir, even I fall short on one of those." He got a stunned look. "I can't climb ropes."
"You have other skills and if they prove to me they have ways of compensating for that weakness, they can be passed." Xander nodded. "As such, our PT and boot camp instructors are going to be going over certain things with everyone who wants to apply for off-base missions. Starting tomorrow. This does go for Atlantis but Colonel Sheppard has them all do a boot camp when they get up there. Things are too dangerous to let the academics off-base and into danger if they can't take care of themselves."
"I can't see McKay doing anything like that," one protested.
"He's on Sheppard's team as his geek," Jon told her. "You know very well they make him do PT, range time, and all that. Radek Zalenka too." She slumped back in her seat. "We've had every single exploration site attacked. There's not enough Marines to go around so therefore you're going to have to take some responsibility for your own safety."
"Jackson's not the most military updated geek, but he does know how to fire if he needs to, how to run, has enough stamina to run, and can make himself useful in a fight," Cam Mitchell told them. "The academic's standards are half of what the military's are. Yes, we colonels agree that this is necessary. Some of you have no sense sometimes when you're attacked. We need to train that into you so you do things that won't make us waste our lives trying to keep you from going back for a single pebble."
Landry nodded. "I've heard many complaints like that over the last few months. It's too dangerous unless you can take care of yourself. I've got six projects waiting on authorization. If you're behind one of them or wanting to go, you have to be cleared before I assign personnel. Or else you'd have to go later or to another project." Everyone sighed. "This goes for every branch of the academics."
"Sir, some of us can't compare to our super geeks," one youngish guy complained as he stood up. "I can't compare my physical fitness against Carter's or Harris'."
"We're not asking you to," Cam told him. "Carter and Harris live up to military standards. You guys have lower standards. They have to be able to handle it like a member of the military would. You have to be able to hit the broad side of a barn with a gun if necessary, be able to run to save your own lives, be able to follow orders when necessary, and if you have to, handle an emergency like an earthquake."
Xander raised his hand. "On that note, I'd like to suggest that all base personnel, even down to us geeks, get at least advanced basics of medical treatment. Bandaging, splinting, CPR."
"I won't make that mandatory, but I can see how handy it is. Especially when you can't get to the gate right away," Landry said. "I'll make it highly suggested. Too many people could have been at least bandaged on site and helped then instead of letting them bleed on the way to the gate."
"Please add animal and plant bites, sir," Mitchell said. "Because if I hear Harris say 'I don't know how to treat that' I tend to freak out." Xander smirked at him. "We've had plant bites that have infected and things. We needed medical then, not to wait an hour for the enemy to give up searching for us and stomp off plus however long it took to get to the gate, and back with medical support, probably under fire."
"It's also helped make allies," Xander agreed. "I've made friends even among the Genii from taking care of some injuries."
"I heard that report. Good job," Landry told him. "I agree, nothing to the point of stitching but the basics of bandaging and field treatment so you can move them to a medical person. I'll make that highly encouraged." They all nodded at that but some looked unhappy. "I know some of you faint at the sight of blood. I'm hoping like hell none of you have to see your own in the field beyond a papercut. Unfortunately accidents, natural disasters, and attacks do occur. We lost one of the anthropology department last month to an earthquake and then a rockslide. If someone there had been able to bandage her leg and help her move, they might not have been in that area when the attack came and she might not have decided to stay behind to give them more time to escape." They nodded at that. "Any further questions?"
"How soon if the project is awaiting approval, sir?" one physicist asked.
"I'd test soon to see how close you come, and then let me know that and how you'll fix it before any project gets a go." She nodded, sitting back down. "It's not a high ring to reach, people. We didn't set the bar that far above where it should be for incoming recruits. You should all be able to do that." One sighed and raised a hand. "I know about your leg," he told him. "You have to prove to me that you can function in the field. Which you've done a few times. You should be able to meet everything but the running one." He nodded at that. "Any other questions?" No one said anything. "Dismissed." Xander waited until everyone left. "Doctor Lam is going to complain about the extra work."
"She'd probably rather see a splint than a compound fracture sticking out of a leg," Xander pointed out. "Or a bandaged wound that was cleaned for her and ready for surgery instead of one with mud and blood caked in it."
"She probably would," he agreed with a smile. "She's still going to complain to you, Harris."
"Let her. It's very helpful."
"It has been," he agreed. "That was good work with the Genii. How many had weapons?"
"Concealed? Four." Jon stared at him. "I got my hands on most of them that way, Jon. Plus if they're injured, they're cranky at that time." Jon nodded that was true. "So yeah, I'd rather spend the time showing that we're compassionate, wise beings who are willing to help others until you piss us off." He stood up. "How many of the linguists are going to have problems?"
"Probably about half," Cam said. "They are the sweets and nibbling patrols most of the time."
"Don't remind me. Someone has a very bad scorched popcorn habit." He walked off shaking his head. Daniel and a few others gave him a pointed look when he came out on their hallway. "I did not suggest it. He and Sheppard have been talking about it since PX-368 had that earthquake and then rockslide. That was the sixth person we lost from the science and humanities corps in three months."
"It was," Daniel agreed. "By the way, Vala's back, Xander."
"Cool." He looked at them. "If you want, I'll help you guys meet minimum requirements. It's not that hard. Basically, if you can last through an aerobics class, you can do this." They sighed at that, shaking their heads. "Also, recruitment's down and we need the marines on teams, not guarding excavations."
"That's true," Daniel agreed. "As much as I hate to admit it, it's true." Xander shrugged. "Who do we test with?"
"PT instructors I think."
"Okay, those who have projects waiting, test for a prelim soon," Daniel ordered. "Carter agreed to this at an earlier meeting of section heads." They sighed but went back to work. He looked at Xander. "Technically you're not the twic, Xander."
"I know that, Daniel, but I also know I'm not their sled dog."
Daniel smiled. "That's a nice way of putting it."
"We're so backlogged and there's no reason for it. I know I worked all day doing construction before and then went on patrol. I know I've got a good work ethic, but that just bugs the crap out of me. We do more than three times the work of some of them," he said quietly.
"We do," he agreed. "I agreed on those points. Giving them runs.... not so much." He smiled. "That was mean."
"Jon said a walk or a run through the trees can clear a mind," he quipped.
"It worked. They're doing their own work."
"No they're not. I came in to all the Summerian texts on my desk this morning."
"I got all the Ancient ones again. Want to switch?"
"I can do Summerian." He shrugged. "Not a problem." Daniel smiled and clapped him on the arm. "I'm only doing my own work from now on. Unless you give it to me personally or Landry does or it's an emergency."
"Agreed. I'm feeling the same way. Though I never thought of myself as a sled dog. Maybe the mule pulling the cart."
Xander smiled. "I'm cute and fluffy." Daniel burst out laughing, and they went back to their offices. They cleared their stacks and made sure no one from the department could give them more work to do. Xander walked in a few hours later to look through the back stack of translations.
"Xander, can you check mine?" one said.
Xander came over to look at it. The original was stapled behind the translation. "These don't go together."
"Yes they do," he said smugly.
"No they don't. That's Linear B and you translated it in Greek." He looked at him, handing it back. "Try that on Daniel." He grabbed his pile and went back to his desk. He went to tell Daniel about that trial so anything that had to be handed in went through him as a filter. Xander handed him a red pen with a smile.
Daniel found that one and went back to the guy. "Did you mix up originals?" he asked.
"Because this isn't Greek," he said, holding up the original. The guy only smirked. "Get it right or be fired." He handed it back then went back to his office. He wasn't putting up with it. He found a new pot of coffee and sniffed. "Thank you, Xander."
Daniel got a large cup and sat down to check translations before putting them into a stack to go to the general. After the sixth crap translation he decided to snap. He walked in there. "Let's go," he ordered. They stared at him. "Now! I'll be damned if my department is going to be this lazy and stupid. Let's go!" They followed him topside. He pointed. "Five miles is to the stone marker and back. Make it in under an hour." They stared at him. "Or I'll have the MP's help you pack your desks. I'd go now, people." Xander came up behind him and took off jogging. "You didn't screw up on purpose, Harris," he called.
"I know, boss, but if we're all doing it, I'm not exempt. I'd go, guys. His watch started when you got on the elevator." They groaned and most started off at a slow jog.
A few Daniel got MP's to get them down to Landry. Two of them had handed in wrong translations. The other three were just lazy and he kept getting their work. There was no way Daniel was putting up with this. He took off jogging. He knew he could make that mark easily. Xander was pushing himself and was turning around by the time he got halfway there. "Slow down, Harris. You're making me feel lazy," he teased.
Xander smirked. "I might have a date tonight, boss."
"Go for it. You need one. It's been too long." Xander beamed and finished his run, going to clean up in his apartment and take the night off. He had a pass from Landry. He heard the screaming and looked at the general's assistant. "Walter, I'm using my pass tonight," he said quietly. "I have a date."
"It's a miracle. Have fun, be safe, don't make little Xander's," he quipped with a smile.
"I'm still infertile, Walter. Can't happen." The general opened his door. "Sir, mine are done and I have a date in about an hour. Can I use my pass? I can finish the rest of the Summerian ones I opted into tomorrow."
"Go." Xander beamed and bounced off. He looked at them. "You have one week to turn your ways around, people. The military needs to trim the budget and taking out slackers does that just fine. It won't create more work since you don't work anyway." They huffed off. He went to talk to Carter. "These five have no net access for the next week." She coded it in. "Thank you."
"Daniel or Harris throw a fit?"
"Doctor Jackson snapped after a lot of intentionally wrong translations. The rest of them are on a run. Harris has a date." He went back to his office. He found Jon waiting on him. "Harris has a date."
"Is there a problem?"
"The geeks are a bit upset."
"I don't care," he said bluntly. "Your older self had to train the right responses into Jackson. Harris came in jumpy. Even McKay learned how to deal on a field team. They can too."
"I heard a lot of chorus's of 'that's unfair just because we're smart'."
Landry shook his head. "I should get Sheppard and McKay down here to run geek bootcamp," he muttered.
Jon smiled. "He might if you asked. Or send Lorne."
"He might like the time down here." He sent that email into the package to go up on the next delivery. "The field medic class?"
"Doctor Lam is swearing but admitted it might be helpful. She has no idea when she'll have time to teach it."
"We have others who can teach medic classes," he said. Jon smirked and left after a salute. He called the infirmary. "Doctor Lam, General Landry. Would you rather I bring in someone to teach the field medic lessons to the boot camp people?" She said something smart. "Gladly. Then you can do an updated later one?" He made that note. "That'll work. Thank you." He hung up and emailed Jack O'Neill to arrange that. That would work and their people wouldn't have to die needlessly over a scientist going back for a pebble with a single letter on it.
General Landry walked into the police station the next night, looking grim. "What did my linguist do, Captain?" he asked once he was shown into his office.
"Nothing really, sir, but she drugged him so we wanted to make sure he got back to base and you knew what had happened so he wouldn't be in trouble for missing call this morning." He handed over the report. "We have him pacing in a cell because he's on a goofy high still. We weren't sure he wouldn't hurt himself during it."
"Thank you for that kindness. Harris said he drew evil women," he said dryly.
"This one clearly was his sort then. He looked at someone else we had and said you might need to look at them because they were one of your snake unit? Something about covert ops rescue team?"
"I'll see if they are," he agreed, knowing what Harris had meant. "Is he in trouble?"
"Harris? No. He seems like a nice, goofy kid, General. I'd be proud to call him mine. When my boys burst in to answer the calls from her neighbors that said he was complaining loudly about being tied up for her pleasure, he kicked her at them so they could take her down easier. He did everything right and reported his name, rank, and that he was at the local base before he passed out. The paramedics said he was high as hell but the ER released him back to us so we could take a statement. That's when we realized he was giggling and not real coherent. We got the basics of a statement but she confessed when he kissed her in the halls and she agreed she could confess so she could beg him for more later on."
"Yup, that's his luck," he sighed. The captain smiled at that. "Let me get him and the other one off your hands."
"That one was breaking into somewhere."
"I'll hand him to NCIS if he's a marine."
"Gladly, sir." He walked him down there, showing him the snaked one first. General Landry stared at him and the guy's eyes flashed. "Is that from radiation?"
"No, probably whatever he took to get this dumb."
"That's fine. A few of the boys were worried."
Landry smiled. "It's not a problem. I promise." He took hold of him once they had the cuffs on him. They went to retrieve Xander, who was humming again. "Harris," he said firmly. "No humming."
"Ooops," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to, General."
"I know, son. Come on. We'll let Doctor Lam watch over you for a bit."
"But she'll poke me and not in the fun way," he whined.
"Tough. C'mon." He sighed but nodded, following him out. When the gou'ald tried to break free Xander hissed something in his ear, making him stiffen and suddenly behave. Once he had them in the car he looked back at his linguist. "What did you tell him?"
"That I'd fuck the pouch and make his symbiot like me more. That they all did, just look at SiSi." He shrugged, slinking down some. "I'm sure I can go sleep it off in my rooms, General."
"Fat chance, kid. If you get drugged, you got to the infirmary." He drove them back, waving the MP's over. "This one is to go right to the brig," he ordered, handing him over. "I'll lead the other to the infirmary." He walked them down there. He ran into Teal'c. "He ran into a gou'ald in the jail."
"I will alert people for you," he said. "Why were you in jail, Xander?"
"She was mean to me, Teal'c. Gave me funny stuff and tied me down for the bad reason."
"Ah." He nodded once. "You dated." He walked off to tell Mitchell they had another gou'ald in custody. "Xander's time in jail after a date allowed him to find a gou'ald. He is in the brig."
Mitchell moaned, handing Daniel the five bucks. "I didn't think it'd go that badly. Where is he?"
"The infirmary but he was clearly in an altered state. He said she was mean to him and tied him down for the bad reason." Daniel cackled at that, going to collect more winnings. Mitchell went to complain at the gou'ald. Teal'c shook his head. He did not understand why some people bet against something that was sure to happen. He probably never would.
Daniel walked into Xander's quarters that night at his yell. "I didn't know you had a room," he teased.
"They won't let me put a bedroom in my office," he said with a shrug. "What's up?"
"Are you feeling better?"
"No, one of the guys that got pissed that he bet against you getting in trouble threw me into a wall and I remember you said you gave good backrubs?"
"Sure. Take off the shirts and come sit in front of me, Daniel. Lean on the footboard." Daniel did that and Xander got the oil he liked out to work on that for him. At the first moan he put up a silencing spell. That way no one would say anything about him and Daniel being together. There was that rumor among the physicists. Someone pounded but they didn't hear. Cam stomped in and they saw his mouth move but no sound came out until he stepped closer.
"What the hell did you do!" he demanded. "No one can speak out loud on the base, kid."
"Ooops. I switched the silencing spell so no one would gossip that I'm working on his back." He corrected it. "Sorry."
Cam stared at him. "You can't do that shit."
"I didn't mean to!"
"What would keep that from happening?" Daniel asked.
"You're not my type, you're not evil," he said dryly. "It's too much energy. I'll work on that later. I'm sorry."
"Fine. Don't do it again," Cam said, stomping off. He slammed the door.
Xander shrugged at Daniel. "I decided to try celibacy since none of mine wanted me in a good way." He got back to his backrub, easing all the tension. Daniel's moans were pretty but Xander knew he didn't have a shot there. He finished up, leaving the sleepy linguist on his bed. He went to his office to find something he wanted to read and then retreated to his library for the night.
Vala walked in, staring over his shoulder. "What's that one about?" He flipped the page to the former one, which was explicit in the extreme, but a nicely drawn picture. "Oh!" She stared. "Is that two men or one man and a woman?"
"One man and a hermaphrodite," he said, grinning at her.
"What language is it in?"
"I didn't know that they had porn back then."
"Yeah. There's been porn since there were people."
"Interesting." She sat down beside him to read it. "How do you translate it."
He kissed her on the cheek. "Vala, I was wanting personal time to deal with the issue of why my silencing effects went backwards."
"Oh!" She got up, smiling at him. "I'm told I'm not naughty enough for you."
He grinned. "You're plenty naughty but I'd never hit on you. Cam would try to kick my ass again. Then he'd have to pout when I defeated his macho, big protector kick."
"Yes he does. He totally threatened me to not hit on you." He grinned. "He decided I might make you strange."
"I doubt that." She smiled at him. "Do you have any in english?"
He got up and found her three, handing them over. "Het, het, and gay smut."
"Male or female?"
"Het is male/female. The gay one is male on male." She beamed and took that one to read outside his door to annoy him. She didn't need that sort of protection. Xander closed his office door and locked it then his library door, laying back down on his couch in there to go back to his smut. He needed a good smutty thought or six to cure the built-up energy in him. Then the magic would quit going so screwy again. That had been embarrassing but at least it hadn't switched it so he was broadcasting. He heard someone come into his office and stared at the door. They were clearly checking on his plants so he let out a fake moan. They fled and slammed his office door behind themselves. "That works too." He got back to his smut.
The General walked into Xander's office the next morning. "Harris."
"Yeah, boss?" He held up something. "Report?"
"I did need that but I came to talk to you about your office's use last night."
Xander looked at him. "Not like I brought a hooker in, General."
"Not the point, Harris. We don't allow things like that on base." Xander gave him a 'get real' look. "If they're in their rooms, that's one thing."
"Daniel was crashed on my bed after I worked the knots out of his back. I was in my library and I had locked the office door. No one should've been able to hear me. Beyond that, it was a fake moan." He got back to work.
"You still can't do that in your office, son."
Xander looked at him, then smirked. "General, we do realize I'm twenty-one and I haven't been on a date in *months*? I haven't gotten laid since the last natives that decided I was special that way, on my first trip to Atlantis." The general moaned. "Unfortunately that's what caused my silencing spell so no one would talk about Daniel getting a backrub for the tension in it to go oddly last night. Also, I clean up after myself. Not like the cleaning crew comes in here anyway."
"It sets a bad example."
"I can say I was translating it. It's in Latin."
"I don't need to know that."
Xander grinned. "If they hadn't broken into my office, they never would've known."
"Still not the point, Harris. It sets a bad example."
"Fine, I'll go sex up the natives the next time we travel, sir. Not a problem." He got back to work.
"Why can't you hold that in like others?"
"You don't, and neither does anyone else on this base. You have a wife," he said dryly. "My last boyfriend used me for the piece of ass he thought I was." He looked at him again, then smirked. "I could be totally evil and go let the geeks who flirt back have me."
"No, please don't. Go off base more often."
"Then you get a call from someone saying I'm off base, do you know where I am, like the last time."
"I didn't...." Xander gave him a knowing look. "I did," he sighed. "From your friend."
"Yeah, Willow's being a bit nosy." He shrugged. "I've got to relieve that urge somehow, sir. It's either I go pounce someone and make them my boyfriend, I go make a new girlfriend suitable for me, or I take it in hand. Which do you want?"
"You to do that in your quarters, not your office."
"I was in my library! Not in the office."
"I don't care! Have some decency."
Xander pulled out a picture. "Half the rest of the universe doesn't believe in clothes like we do."
He shuddered at the simple, thin, pants the boy was wearing. They were nearly see-through. "Don't wear those around base or I'll ground you." He stomped off.
Xander smirked and posted that picture on his door, in the nametag holder. Then he got back to work.
Cam walked past, pausing to look at the picture. He took it out and put it on the desk. "Be more discreet."
"I just got chewed on for reading smut in my library instead of my rooms. Blow it out your ass, Mitchell."
"I'm so giving you an appointment at the local whorehouse."
"The last one I went to they nearly paid me to teach a few things. Apparently oral sex wasn't well liked in the twenty-fourth century anymore," he said, going back to his translating.
"I don't need to know that!" he complained.
"Yay! It's got to come out somehow since I've decided to be celibate for a while to hopefully break that streak of people who only want my ass for it's tightness."
Cam walked off wiggling his fingers in his ears. He ran into Vala in Daniel's office, finding her reading something and Daniel trying hard to ignore her. "Vala, hand it back to Harris."
"He said I could borrow it."
"I don't care!" She pouted but went to get something even worse. She was sure he had something.
"Thank you," Daniel said quietly.
"Want to escape? There's a short diplomatic mission."
"Sure." He slammed the book shut and grabbed his gear, sneaking out so Vala wouldn't see them.
Landry walked in a few hours later. "Harris, take your smut to your rooms," he ordered.
"It is in my room, General."
Xander pointed at the doorway. "That's mine, General, not yours. It is in my room and if people keep annoying me over being a sensitive, sexual being I'm going to start walking around naked!" Landry fled at that. Vala giggled from where she was reading the het smut. He sighed. "I so need laid."
"I'd offer but I'm not that bad."
"No you're not. Like oral sex?"
"I don't know. I don't think that's something I've ever had." He got her a different book. She read it and giggled but stared at the pictures. "You can do that?"
"Yup, and it's fun." He got back to work, carrying the last page as he worked on the last few things. Then he dumped it on the general's desk. "I'm trying to be celibate so I don't get any more pouting ex's who only liked me for my ass's abilities. The least you could do would be to support me in this!" he said firmly. "I still have to relieve that pressure because I'm twenty-one and it builds up energy so my magic goes screwy. If you don't like me having my library, the offer for me to translate from Bermuda is still open." He walked off again, grumbling the whole way. Maybe he really did need laid worse than he thought.
Landry listened to Jack O'Neill's advice. "I can't do that. He was in his little library. Yes, that one. Someone walked in to look at his nursery and he groaned to make them run away. That and he's spread it to Vala, who was reading outside Mitchell's door last night to annoy him and just now in Jackson's office to annoy him, making them both run on a short off-world diplomatic mission." Jack gave him more advice. "I can't do that. He might make them go bad too." He grimaced. "No, he was working on a knot in Jackson's back and let him nap in his bed." He nodded.
"Exactly. I don't know. He's pouty. I know he's twenty-one. The Marines... No, you're right, he's not. I know they take care of it but they're more private about it. I wouldn't care but I don't need pouty Marines or evil scientists. He said since his first trip to Atlantis." He grimaced. "That probably is. I know we were warned about his libido being that strong and his flirting, Jack. What do you want me to do? I can't do that. We might need him at a moment's notice because of Adria. No, he's fully corrupting Vala. If I let him go out, I'll have to retrieve him from the jail, Jack. I did his last date. She confessed to torturing three different men. Exactly!"
He sighed. "I told him to take it to his rooms. He pointed out the library was his room." He smiled. "Please talk to him. Thank you." He hung up and took some tylenol. He didn't want to know about anyone's sexual habits that way. Of course when he got into the translations it was all about Aphrodite's Temple. He groaned, putting it aside for now. He didn't want to see that.
Jon walked into Xander's office, finding Vala digging through a trunk. "More special stuff?"
"He had picture magazines that would give me a better idea of what the people in the story are doing."
Jon stared at Xander, who was working. He kicked his chair, getting his attention. "Like a college dorm, you have to be discreet, Xander. No one wants to hear you."
"Which is why I put up the silencing spell that went wrong," he said dryly. "Too much energy and I get screwed up."
"Then deal with it in private."
"I can't get much more private than in my locked office in my library."
"You do have quarters, right?"
"Yeah. Daniel was sleeping on my bed after I worked a knot out of his back. That's why I locked my office door but someone decided to come in to look at the plants."
Jon sighed, shaking his head. "Even in your quarters it's just not done to get loud and active."
"Jon, respectfully, I'm not going to change who I am ever again. I like myself. I like my sexual habits. I may be celibate right now so I don't have to go through another breakup at this time, but I don't care! If they don't like it, then they can come blow me. I've been in orgies before." Jon growled. He stared back. "Listen, I don't care. I did try to do a silencing spell so no one would talk about how I finally got that lower knot out of Daniel's back. You saw how that went. What more do you want me to do?"
Jon sighed. "I know you're trying."
"It's not like I can get an apartment off base. I'm not fucking allowed." Jon flinched at that. "Even if I did, I'd have Willow there in about two seconds."
"You could, we do."
"I'm on call at all times in case of problems."
"Good point. Still, can't you keep it down?"
"No! I can't! I'm who I am and if they don't like it, screw them!"
"Boys," Vala complained. "Being quiet while having sex means it's terrible."
"Exactly," Xander agreed. Jon shook his head. "There's no one on two sides of my quarters. Upstairs is a maintenance closet. You're on the other side and you don't use yours so who's going to know?"
"You were in here."
"No, I was in there," he said with a point for the doorway. "With it closed. And my main door locked. Beyond that, I'm not the only one who tosses off in their office. Shit, dude, half of chemistry had a wank the other night." Jon shuddered at that mental picture. "If I'm locked in my library, I don't want anyone to bother me, if I'm having dirty personal time or if I'm just sulking. If whoever doesn't like it, I'll gladly go translate from a beach somewhere so I don't bother anyone else. Now, get out of my office!"
"Fine. Calm down. I'll mediate between you and the general."
"Tell him to go blow his wife, it'll make him feel better."
"Fine." He walked out, closing the door since Vala had come over to give him a hug. He ran into the general halfway up the hall. "He had a point. He's not the first who did it, he was locked in his personal space, and he has a right to his own needs."
"He told me to do what?"
"What I would've told you if I was that pissed," Jon admitted, staring at him. "Even on base, he does have the expectation of privacy in that space he created. It's not like we own it, General. No, no one should've broken into his office. The rest of our offices get respected. If we close our doors, no one breaks in. His was closed and locked."
"Still...." He took a deep breath. "He could live off base."
"No he can't. He's right, we call on him all hours of the day and night. The same as Danny's place off base is mostly for show. He makes it home maybe once every 2 weeks if nothing is going on. Mitchell and I haven't seen our off-duty places in weeks either. Probably a month in Cam's case."
"I might, but the others can't. They get both of them out of bed for translations and emergencies."
Landry considered it. "I can see fit to let him find one."
"Even if he did, that person who calls you would cause him problems."
"I'm sending someone to talk to her anyway," he admitted.
Xander came out. "Fuck it. I'm going to go back to the eighteenth century, find a slave filled whorehouse, buy it, free the slaves, and then teach the ones who want to know how to do it better." He walked past them.
"Xander, this just appeared on your desk," Vala called. She held up the notecard with the simple 'you'd better not' in a flowing script. "I don't know from who."
Xander smirked. "The same nagging bitch that keeps irritating me each time I go off base, Vala. Willow Rosenburg." He looked up. "Fine, I'll just teach them better and then find a way to free them." He looked over as a redhead appeared, glaring at him. "What?"
"You can't do that!"
"I can so do that! I've done it plenty of times."
"You're not going to be allowed to screw things up, Xander!"
"Excuse me? I haven't screwed anything up and I never got stopped from possibly causing an apocalypse." He moved closer. "I'm also a hell of a lot more responsible since I had the ethics coven on my ass from day one, after they removed all those spells you put on me. That's why they wanted to talk to you."
"They're...." She let out a shriek and stomped her foot. "They're not right!"
"They aren't!" she shouted. She tried to hit him but he slapped her back, knocking her into a wall. "How dare you!"
"You're getting hysterical and I doubt you want to show your ass on a military base, Willow."
"I know what they do," she sneered. "You fell into Riley's trap."
"No, I'm helping them defend us from a bunch of enemies who want to take over. We're not torturing anyone."
"I saw what's down in the brig and those unnatural things!" she shouted with a point.
"Yeah, they took them in," Xander said dryly. "That's why they were captured. The little snake things are the enemy!"
"Classified," Jon shouted. "And quit yelling."
"Fuck off," Xander told him. "She hacked and found it anyway." He stared at her. "Those people got taken over by the enemy, Willow. We didn't implant them. We already knew they had them. For that matter, they're immature. The older ones take over the being. As I found out with a boyfriend."
"You aren't gay," she ground out.
"No, I'm bi. You're stopping me from going and getting laid, Willow. Do you mind throwing this fit later? I haven't had sex in weeks." She tried to hit him again but he smacked her back again, this time in the middle of the forehead. "I've fought in numerous battles, Willow Rosenburg, and I will hit a girl. Even you when you deserve it. So stop it!"
She pulled up magic. "I'll undo whatever they did to you!" She threw it at him but he caught it, staring at it before dissipating it. "How did you do that!" she shrieked.
"I got *training*," he said dryly. "By the same people who need to finish yours."
"They're mean and evil!"
"No, they're ethical. Something you haven't found yet," he shot back. "Perhaps you should before you do something I have to fix and then have to kick your ass over. Because they'd expect me to fix you, Willow. And I'm tired. Really tired. So just stop and go home."
"You're coming with me! We'll fix you," she said, moving closer. "You know me, Xander. I'm Willow."
"Yeah, I know that, Willow. I have known that. I knew that all through the centuries I spent traveling." She gaped. He nodded. "Yeah. So no, I'm not putting up with the bitchy thing anymore. I'm too tired to do it and you're interrupting my necessary sex time. You going to go home or should I send you there?"
"You're not like this!" she said coldly.
He looked at her. "Excuse me? I'm not what? You haven't actually talked to me in more than a year, Willow. I've only been here eight months and you didn't talk to me before then. I talked to Spike more than I did you or Buffy. So no, I am like this. Especially now. And right now, you're keeping Jon and the General from checking to make sure the enemies that want to take us over and use us as slaves aren't closer. I've got to blow off some stress before I blow up at my teammates and the general again. Do you mind?"
"Yes!" She pulled up more power. "I can't let this go on."
Xander smacked her on the head to knock her out magically. "Let me handle that." He waved a hand at his office. "Vala, you're the only one who can see those." He picked up Willow. "Let's see what Martha thinks of you." He disappeared with her. He landed beside Martha, dropping her onto a table. "Yours."
She looked. "We sent someone to talk to her about how she was annoying your general, Xander. Stand down, this is Civilian Specialist Harris from the SG base." The soldiers all grumbled but stood down. "What happened?"
"She decided I'm not like that," he said dryly. "And that she the right to try to pull me home to put up with her bitchy problems." She sighed, staring at him. "Seriously."
"What else happened?"
"I had fun in my specially created library. Someone broke into my office so I groaned to make them flee in terror since they're all afraid of dicks in the office."
"Your team leader?"
"The general. I'll be damned. I can translate from Bermuda and they can call me for major battles." He pulled her in for a hug and a kiss. "Have fun with her. I'm going to find a whorehouse to liberate and then teach better."
"You shouldn't. You don't know that it won't change the time stream," she reminded him.
"I'll do it on an island that doesn't get freed, how about that?" he offered.
She smiled. "We're in New York, go find one, Xander. There's plenty of brothels up here."
Xander relaxed. "You sure?"
"I'm positive. Two wanted me to work for them." He beamed at that. "Mind out of the gutter, Harris." She swatted him on the arm. "The Doctor would be ashamed."
"It's been almost two months."
"Oh, damn. Your powers are going funny, aren't they?"
"Last night," he said dryly. Willow moaned. "Let me flee before I beat her. She landed on the base. She's hacked to find out and scried." He left, heading out of the building.
"Sir, who are you and did you sign in?" one of the security guards yelled after him.
"SG sent me," he called, waving back at him. He skipped outside, getting a cab and heading off. He might call Owen up for a bit of fun but the telltale he had on him showed he was busy. He called his bank to make sure of his balance. It was very healthy. Yeah, he could handle this neediness with a few mil. Very easily. The cabbie dropped him off in front of a fairly clean looking building and he walked up to the bouncer. "How much for entry?"
"Can I sign up?"
He got the madam for him. Xander talked to her quietly and she sent him to a better place. One that had men, women, and understood those needs.
Martha Jones walked up to where Buffy was, handing her the handcuffed Willow. Willow was glassy eyed and pouting. She had retcon'd her within an inch of her mind, then used something UNIT had developed to enforce it. "Miss Summers."
She looked at her then at Willow. "Are you from that coven that wanted to beat her for the unethical conduct and the magic addiction?"
"No, I'm from UNIT," she said, pulling out her ID. Buffy moaned. "She has been tampering in classified projects. Scrying and other things."
"That too," she said dryly.
"Oh, crap." She sighed, looking at her friend. "Will she stay that way?"
"No, she gave me lip," she said, her British accent coming out more. "I would not put up with it. I gave her something to make her stop being so flighty and bitchy."
"Okay. Will it wear off?"
"Yes, but the other things we did to make sure she could not tell about those programs won't." She handed over the lead attached to the cuffs. "I believe you can handle her now. She will not disbehave again, will she?" she asked Willow.
"No, ma'am," she said quietly, looking down. "I'll behave. I won't cause any more problems or you'll feed me to Torchwood's pterodactyl."
"Good! That's what I'd expect." She smiled at Buffy. "Xander is fine, even if he is a bit frustrated because there's no one there to date."
"No evil people?" she quipped.
"No, they weed those out," Martha said dryly. "He's still in New York at a brothel and playing around." She pulled out a card. "If the retcon should break down, let me know."
"What's retcon?" Buffy asked, taking it to put into her pocket.
"It's a memory blocker. So she won't remember what she saw of the classified projects."
"Oh, like her memory spell?" she asked.
"Something like that, only on purpose. Did that coven hear of that?"
"No," she said, wincing some. "They already paddled her in front of Giles, then him for not paying attention to his student's education and actions."
"Good! They should have and probably will when they hear of that issue. The Doctor would never stand for such selfish actions and neither would Xander or Jack." Willow flinched at that name.
"Who's Jack? Someone Xander works with?" she asked.
"In an associated project to mine," Martha said. "He's traveled and was the original owner of the band that Xander accidentally used." Buffy shuddered, shrinking back some. "He was not pleased. I believe they had a talk as well, that's how she knows about his pterodactyl." She smiled. "Now, you let her nap off that cocktail of sedatives. If she starts to break into classified materials again, I can find her a good paying job. Permanently." She shook Buffy's hand. "Do be safe, Miss Summers. There's not enough of us on this side of the fight." She left.
Buffy gave Willow a sad look. "Let's get you to Mom. She's strong enough to deal with you tonight and Tara's there babying her." She walked her off, keeping her in the cuffs. Willow didn't seem to mind them at the moment. She ran into Riley and his wife. "A very nice lady from UNIT named Martha Jones handed her back."
"Good!" Sam Finn said firmly. "Did they do something to make sure she'd quit annoying people?"
"Memory blocker," Riley said. "To keep her from remembering or talking about what she butted into. You're lucky they didn't conscript her, Buffy."
"I know. She said next time. Xander's in New York at a brothel?"
"Probably," he said dryly. "Where are we going?"
"Mom's. Tara's there. They have a pet pterodactyl?"
Willow whimpered. "I won't ever be a bad girl again, Jack. I promise," she whined. "Please don't make me go back to the sludge geyser planet or leave me with the biting water sprites or anything! I promise I'll live up to the time lord ethical code!"
Riley looked at her then at Buffy. "If that's the Jack I'm thinking of, yeah, he was mean enough." They walked with her. "Did they sedate her?"
"Yup. Miss Jones said she was cranky on the flight. She said it should wear off soon."
Riley nodded. "Probably." They walked in and he nodded at Joyce. "We came to confiscate anything she has on the classified projects she hacked and scried, Mrs. Summers."
"Are we going to lose her like we did Xander?"
"No, ma'am," Sam Finn said. "Not this time."
"I'll remind her of that." She looked at Willow. "Do we have a universal key to those cuffs?"
"I don't," Riley said, looking at his wife. She pulled out her keys to find hers and undo them but Willow pulled away and hid them away from her. Riley moved closer. "Willow, it's Riley. Let us remove the cuffs," he said calmly and quietly.
"No! Jack said it's bad to fight them," she whined.
"Jack's not here, Willow. You're at Buffy's. You're back home." Willow blinked at him. "Let us remove the cuffs," he ordered. She made whining noises but he took the key to release her, handing them to his wife. Willow pouted at her hands. "I know he was mean but as long as you're a good girl you won't need them again. If you're a bad girl, you'll need them again. Okay?"
"I won't be bad," she whined.
"I know you won't. If you are, Buffy will put them back on." Willow nodded. "Good girl, now curl up on the couch for a while so you can rest." She did that. Buffy covered her with a blanket. He looked at Joyce and Tara. "She should be fine," he offered quietly. "They scared the crap out of her probably."
Buffy nodded. "If it helped her magic addiction I'm all for scaring straight."
Her mother nodded. "I am as well. We know the ordinary methods weren't working." She gave Tara a pat on the arm. "She'll be fine, dear. They probably gave her something to ease the traveling." Buffy nodded.
"No, not a slime geyser!" Willow moaned. Tara walked over to cuddle her. "Jack said you're a goddess I should worship, that you'd keep me safe and help me," she whispered, cuddling her.
"Of course she is," Sam agreed, smiling at them.
"It's good he didn't say anything against them," Buffy said.
"He's fairly...a slut," Riley said. "I don't think he'd turn down anything." His wife swatted him hard, making him yelp. "He wouldn't!"
"He's taken," she said firmly.
"He is?" Riley asked. "How do you know?"
"I saw how he looked at his assistant." She smirked. "Who looks much nicer in a suit than you do."
"Sure, let me turn gay," he said. She got him again and so did Buffy while Tara glared at him. "Sorry." He shut up and let his wife handle it.
Sam Finn smiled at the ladies. "I'll train him better later. If she starts down that path again, call us or call her, Miss Summers. Understood?"
"Thank you," Buffy said, shaking her hand. "Good luck getting Xander out of the brothel."
"He picked up bad habits from Jack's traveling band," Riley said dryly. "We've heard he had a number of male and female lovers while he traveled. Not all of them fully human."
Buffy shrugged. "You know we wouldn't care as long as they're not harmful," she said dryly. "Look at who I dated."
Sam smiled. "At least Riley's civilized now."
"You did a good job. He was okay before but he belched now and then."
"He's much better now," Sam promised, putting her arm through his. "We'll leave you alone with them. Let us know if you need more help." She walked Riley out. "You have been nicely civilized recently, Riley. Thank you for not belching in front of my family."
"It was an upset stomach from the nightly hunting," he complained.
"I know, dear."
Buffy looked at her mother. "They were clearly mean to Willow."
"Probably enough that it broke through her spoiled moment."
"They're going to end up taking her too. Then I'll be alone." She knew she was pouting but she didn't want to be alone.
"They won't as long as she's a good girl, Buffy, and maybe they'll do like they did for Xander and send you a few more helpers in exchange for him. You said you liked the ones that Xander sent back here."
"I don't mind them. They're decent guys. They don't joke or wear ugly shirts though."
"Xander is unique but it was nice they sent two to help you."
"Yeah, it was. They even have battle experience and planning skills. They've got all of Xander's skills but the joking and the ugly shirts."
"I saw one wearing an ugly printed t-shirt," Tara offered quietly.
Buffy smiled. "So maybe they're getting into the Xander mindset after all." She went back on patrol. Her mother had Willow and Tara's situation well in hand.
Jon looked at his watch then at the general. "Did no one tell Xander he was due back today?"
"I don't think I did call him," he admitted. He called his cellphone. "Harris, report for duty," he ordered into the voicemail. "You have a briefing in ten minutes." He hung up. "I know he's dented his bank account at an electronics store and a few other places that weren't listed as more than company names."
Jon shook his head. "So he bought a tv and porn, General?"
"Possibly," he sighed. "Give him ten minutes. If he's late I'll beat him myself."
In Wales, Ianto looked over as a new box appeared. "Why does he send them to me?" he muttered, picking up the smaller box to look at. It was only half the size of the last one. It barely rattled. It had a note on the top next to his name and the shop's address. He plucked that off to read it, mentally snickering. Outwardly, he was simply amused. He called down there. "You have a new present." He put the note up. Jack came up to get it and took it down there.
In the meeting room, Jack put the box on the table. Gwen looked at it. "Who sent something to Ianto?"
"Harris," he said dryly. "He's the one who forwarded the Doctor's birthday present to me." Owen and Tosh came in last. "Present." He took Owen's knife to open it then handed it back. He opened it and something popped up.
Owen stared at the bobbing dick. "Apparently it didn't like being stuffed in there." Tosh giggled. Gwen looked horrified. "He did suck up some of his memories," he reminded her. "He knows how much shagging he's gotten."
Jack glared at him. "Not half as much as some people. He gets more than I do."
"That's because he's young, firm, and very open to nearly anything," Owen taunted with an evil smirk.
"I was a few years back." He carefully opened the rest of the flaps in case anything else sprang up at him. He stared in the box. There was chocolate body paint, and strawberry. Plus various lubes, condoms, and other toys ranging in size from finger shaped to 'must be a party favor' though a few had names written on the ends. He looked underneath them and closed the box. "I'll spank the little brat."
"That's one hell of a birthday present," Gwen said, clearing her throat.
"Sounds like he expected him to have fun," Tosh agreed, trying not to blush.
"I'm wondering why he named some," Owen said.
"I don't want to know," Jack told him. "I might get a headache." He carried it into his office. He had a use for most of those. Clearly the kid was sharing *way* too much. Ianto looked up when he walked into the shop a few minutes later. "Was there a note?"
"He told me to use them to give you a happy birthday." He let him have it.
Jack growled. "The little bastard." Ianto smiled at that. "I should spank him."
"He might like it."
"You never know about him," he agreed. Ianto smiled. "It's definitely different. He even named some."
"I'm sure they were good memories for him." Jack walked off shaking his head, going back to ignore the box. Ianto got back to what he was doing. It was so fun to watch Jack be flustered by a gift of dildos at the office.
Jack O'Neill walked into the brothel. "Is my linguist here?" he asked the bouncer.
"Who is that, sir?"
"Harris." The guy looked clueless. "Xander."
"Upstairs on two, sir. He's running a clinic in how to use a tongue to better use to tease and get people off faster."
Jack sighed, shaking his head. "He was due back on base two days ago. Does he not have his cellphone?"
"No, sir, it wasn't in his pants."
"Wonderful." He waited there. He did not need to know those tricks. The bouncer got him when the lesson let out and he went up there to interrupt his fun. "Harris!" he snapped.
Xander blinked at him. "Hi, Jack. What're you doing here?"
"Did you not bring your cellphone?"
"Nope. I brought my pager though." He held it up. "Why?"
"You were due back two days ago."
"Really? Oops." He got up and kissed the girl he was with. He gathered things and walked down with him, not ashamed of being naked, sweaty, and a bit tired. He kissed the madam on the cheek. "Do I owe anything?"
"No, dear. Those classes were *wonderful* for my people. Thank you for doing that for me and come back the next time you're in New York." She showed him out. O'Neill was glaring but oh well. She sighed in pleasure. "Such a nice boy and he tipped very well." The bouncer nodded. She went back to her office. Even she had learned a few new tricks.
Jack had them beamed up and down to the briefing room. Landry covered his eyes.
Jon stared at him. "Xander, I can't let you through the gate that way. We might make new enemies when they steal you. Can you at least put on underwear?" Kissen, Fischer, and Tilla were all staring in horror.
Xander looked at himself then shrugged and put on pants and a t-shirt. "I'll go find clean clothes in a minute. I had my pager, General. Why didn't you call it?"
"I didn't have the number." He looked at him. "You have ten minutes to change, arm up, and then you have a mission."
"Okay." He strolled off to change, arm up, and came back still without underwear on but heavily weaponed with knives and a few guns. Plus the dragon. He handed General Landry the braid. "That has to stay here so you don't lose it," he reminded the dragon. Who nuzzled it a few times then put it into his backpack that Tilla fastened for him. He purred at her and curled up in Daddy's lap. "What're we doing and where are we going?"
"A planet the Ori had visited recently," Jon said. "You have a pager?" Xander slid it over to him. He found the number and put it into his phone. "That way someone else has it." He slid it back to him. "You better? Less edgy?"
"He was running lessons," Jack told his clone. "Just go!" They fled the generals. Xander was still looking comfortable and calm. He flopped down in his clone's chair. It was his when he was briefing for missions. "Hammond would've screamed for weeks."
"I can't blame the boy. He never gets off base." He looked at him. "Did he wear underwear?"
"Damn idiot. What if something happens?"
"They'll think he's easy." He shrugged. He sighed. "The madam said he didn't owe anything thanks to those classes."
"He spent a good quarter of a million on things."
"Jon told me he had a tv delivered and a few other things."
"I heard," he said dryly. "Vala offered to unpack it when only she could see two of the boxes." Jack shook his head with a sigh. "It's nice she can see his pornography."
"At least he's getting his work done," Jack said dryly. "Half of the geeks don't once they find a porn site."
"That is true, he does do more work than most of the rest of the group," Landry said. Someone knocked and Daniel walked in with Vala. "Xander's back."
"Wonderful," Daniel said with a smile. "Where was he?"
"Whorehouse giving lessons," Jack said dryly.
"Reading his collection has taught me many things," Vala assured him.
Daniel looked at her. "Don't start." He looked at Jack again. "Is he all right?"
"Lank, refusing to wear underwear," he said dryly. "I'm letting Jon yell at him. Mini me can blast him the whole trip."
On Atlantis a few weeks later, John Sheppard opened his email, staring at the complaint from Jon Tyler-O'Neill. "Why is the dragon a fertility idol?" he mumbled. He read how that had happened and sighed, shaking his head. "Ronon, come to my office please?" he called over the comm. Lorne, who had been doing paperwork, leaned over to read it. He burst out giggling. "I don't want to know," John decided. He let Ronon read it, making him laugh loudly. "I have no idea why they had a female dragon statue but they're insane."
"It's where Harris needs to settle down," he said, handing it back. He walked off to share that with the tiny, yelling doctor. "Armand has proven a useful member of the team," he said to interrupt the screaming match. Radek gave him an impatient look. "It seemed one town that had been started by Camelot's ancients had a stone dragon statue that they revered as their protective idol. Armand became ...excited and happy at the sight of her and grew to full size, trying to copulate. That night, the drought broke and a tremendous rainstorm fell in time to get crops into the ground. They now consider him a fertility idol."
Radek snorted, walking off shaking his head to tell Rodney that. He needed to lighten up as well.
Xander walked out of the stargate, tossing John something. "Yours."
"Why are you wearing leather pants and why did they send you this time?" he asked. Armand came trotting through in his bigger form carrying a larger case. "Is that the explosives?"
"Yup." He floated the other six cases and then one last one with a pat. "For someone who needs them." The gate shut down behind them. He checked, Armand's tail tip was out of the way. "Good job, Armand. Put it down and shrink." He did that and gave them a happy meep.
John looked at the cases. "That explains the cases. Why are you wearing leather pants and an Atlantis leather jacket?"
"Down there I have to dress in BDU's. Up here I got told I could wear leather again because it's light body armor." He beamed. "General Landry said I had to bring my evil leather pants up here to wear them on missions."
"We'll see," he said dryly. The fact that they were evil probably had a story behind it. He looked him over. "You will be wearing more than that if I allow it, Harris."
"Of course, I'll have weapons." He beamed. "So, am I just translating since Jon has a migraine from the plants that hit on him?"
"Yup. For now. By the way, I heard that story."
"I brought you guys a sample," he said proudly. "And of my function bush."
"Like in Xanth?" he asked dryly.
Xander beamed and nodded. "I even brought the special fertilizer."
"I don't want to know what you and Botany create." He came down to check the cases, blinking at one. "Why do we need those?"
"General Landry said the IOA was very upset that so many sexual liaisons happened. They said military personnel weren't to get laid anymore. We protested and I had a magical accident in their offices to prove it was better if I did," he babbled. "They agreed you could but it would be rare so those are to take the place and to help those that don't get to go on away missions to those nice places." John covered his mouth, staring at him. "He said so," he said behind the hand.
John removed it. "General Landry told you to bring those up?"
"General O'Neill quipped and said that was the only other way unless they wanted you guys to break frat regs. The IOA authorized the buying of them and the tapes in the black case. Woolsey should have an email from them. So I'm a good leather delivery boy today."
"You certainly are." He heard choking and looked at the office area. "See if that's Woolsey on the IOA's suggestion on how to get around frat regs?" he asked Chuck, who went in there and came out nodding but blushing. Xander beamed at him. John sighed. "Take those to his office," he ordered. "Let me sort out the explosives, and then you can take the samples to Botany. How about that?" Armand sniffed his hair. "I know, I need gel," he said dryly. He got a lick. "Thanks, Armand." Woolsey came stomping down. "They ordered them to pick up surrogates?" he asked dryly.
"They think some people get too much from the natives."
"It's that or breaking frat regs," Xander said happily with a smile. "I got to help pick some out. Oh!" He unhid something in his pocket, putting them down and unshrinking them. "There you go. Vala and I are generously donating those since we're bored with them." He beamed at John.
"What does Vala have to do with it?"
"Who else was going to help pick them out?" Xander asked him. "She's not squeamish and some of the soldiers on our base haven't even heard of the concept and have no idea why there are frat regs."
John shook his head. "Okay, this one and that one," he said with a point, "go to Woolsey's office. Take the trunks too." The Marines carried them up there. He checked the other ones, sending up another case. That left three of explosives and one with samples. "There, take that to Botany, Xander."
"Sure." He bounced off with Armand.
Woolsey sighed. "Is he lacking caffeine?" he asked quietly.
"I think that's the 'I just got back from the whorehouse' bounce," John said quietly. Woolsey whined. "Sorry, but he is human that way." He got the explosives to the armory. Woosley brought in a few more that apparently had been packed with the dildos.
Woolsey even had to call the base-wide meeting. He looked at them from the command center in the gateroom. "The IOA does not like that sometimes people are made to...dally with natives," he said. "They think it's harmful to our diplomatic missions." A few guys groaned. "They said only in cases where it is mandatory, not for fun, people." He cleared his throat. "The point of all of us being so far away from people that are more...compatible was raised by many on the SG base, including O'Neill. They have relented and decided that someone may need alternatives to that issue."
"Then sent us porn?" one marine asked.
"Yuppers and surrogates that they only expected the females to need," Xander told him. "Vala and I sorted through my stuff so there's some older mags too. The IOA literally ordered you guys to not even wank off but we talked them out of it by proving the point of post-combat problems and other needs, even with papers from the shrinks so they had to give in." The whole group moaned. "So of course that's what they had me bring up with the explosives. Because they know all you Marines will either blow it up or screw it." That got a few laughs. He grinned at the ones who weren't. "Or pet it sometimes if it's cute and cuddly like Armand."
"That's why we only pat you on the head, Harris," one female said dryly. "Sir, are you saying the IOA actually ordered them to buy us porn?"
"I am," he sighed, putting up a copy of the memo on the bigger screen so they could all see it. The marines moaned. The females giggled, though a few looked pissed, and one of the guys stared at Xander, who shrugged. "He only helped prove that us being without any needs was a bad idea."
"If I'm too long without my magic goes screwy," Xander said dryly. "That's why I spent a week and a half teaching some very nice people some tricks I learned over the years."
"TMI!" Rodney said quickly.
"Sorry, Mean Uncle Rodney."
"And don't you forget I'm the mean one," he shot back with a grimace. "Are they joking?" he demanded. "It's not April on earth, right?" he asked Xander.
"June." Radek let out a swear in Czech. "You should've heard Landry's when they ordered him to buy porn," he teased with a grin. "That's why Vala and I got sent. Though a few were suggestions of Daniel's so they're more multicultural."
"Ethnically diverse?" one asked dryly.
"Yes some are." He beamed. "And the toys too." The one really pissed woman stomped off. "Yell at the IOA," he called after her. "They decided it and funded it."
"I am!" she snapped back. "How dare they!"
Xander looked at Woolsey, shrugging a bit. "I got a good assortment so no one should be bored. They upped your budget by six grand a quarter to replace anything that gets worn out or if you need new things. I also asked them to up the food budget so you guys can have a more diverse diet because you guys were nutritionally complete but it's the same ten things over and over. They agreed to up it slightly so you guys could get real meat now and then." The crew cheered. "Plus new recipes. They got passed through in the packets."
"Wonderful," Woolsey agreed. "How much did it go up?" Xander shrugged. "I'll check into that. It would be nice not to have pseudo-liver for a few months." Everyone nodded at that. "Let me know," he told one of the cooks, who nodded. "Any other astounding things, Harris?"
"Caldwell might be bringing up treats. You guys deserve a good anniversary party for your third one." They all beamed at him. "Including cake mixes and the stuff for it." That got a bigger cheer. He'd let them discover the ice cream themselves.
"Did anyone tell you how we were supposed to let these materials out?" Woolsey asked him.
"Up to you, Hoss. Library, your office and signing it out, Keller signing it out, the shrink squad doing it, whatever you think is best."
"We have a blank, empty room that doesn't have cameras on the entrance," Rodney said. "I say we pile them in there and let whoever wants sneak whatever out. That way we don't have to wonder about anyone's proclivities."
"I like that idea better than making myself or Doctor Keller deal with it," Woolsey decided. He smiled at the new head shrink. "Can you organize that?"
"If I must," she said, grimacing.
Xander looked around, pointing at three of the worst offenders. "Guys, there's a few cases, can you help her carry?" They nodded and smirked at him for that offer of having first pick. She smirked at him. "They're young and strong."
"Fine. Why are you wearing leather?"
"General Landry said I had to wear it up here instead of on base. There I have to wear BDU's or other camo gear, nothing less."
"We'll talk about him wearing leather later," John assured her. "And how his guns would be hidden in that outfit." Xander pulled off his back gun, waving it then put it back. John shook his head. "I don't want to know." He looked at Woolsey. "Anything else?"
"No. Go be traumatized somewhere else. I will be." Those Marines got the cases and trunks to carry off for the psychologist. She let them set it up because she blushed at the magazines. Even the Playgirl's.
Rodney caught Xander before he could walk off. "Is that my jacket? I know Armand stole it."
Xander took it off to show off a muscle shirt, looking at the tag. "It might be." He handed it back. "I never noticed he packed it. Are you sure it's not under your bed again?"
"I've looked multiple times."
Xander muttered and flicked a finger. A little glowing dot floated off. "Follow it." Rodney carried the jacket off. He came back with his and handed Xander's to him, walking off shaking his head. Xander reabsorbed the spell, grimacing at the skylights. "I'll have to beat Jack for not taking better care of him," he sighed. He went to mope about losing Owen. Not like they were in love but he was nice to hang with. Armand was showing Ronon he still had the braid he had been given, while laying on Ronon's shoulders. He plucked his dragon off him. "I need a cuddle." He got one then Armand got down and went back to fawning over Ronon's hair. "Be careful, some planets now consider him a fertility idol," he quipped, walking off to get a room from Lorne. "Oh, great Lorne being, where am I bunking?"
"Depends, will you be sleeping on a couch this time?" he asked dryly.
"I won't promise not to."
Xander looked around. "I could've sworn I had it," he muttered. He patted himself down, finding it. "Yup." It expanded in his hand. "Better?"
"Much, kid." He got him a room assignment, up the hall from McKay this time, and left him to unpack. He got him a comm earpiece too since Sheppard had called for him. Xander jogged up to the gym, walking in.
John looked him over. "That's not much better than wearing the jacket," he said dryly.
Xander shrugged. "I'm comfy. They're well broken in. I had forgotten them but someone gave them to Jack to get back to me. He didn't even keep part of it." He smiled at the people giving him worried looks. "Hi, guys. Are they mine?"
"Cool beans!" He walked over to see what they could do. He corrected a lot of stuff and it was better. He was useful up here and not the linguistics sled dog pulling the lazy people. He needed to talk to the other language people up here to get their support. Maybe rotate out a few so Sheppard could beat them or Rodney could?
To Part 8
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