Jack came back from a meeting in DC to find Daniel had gotten the kid settled in his office, with his things, and his dragon was a fierce little four foot long plus tail green and black beast. "Hi," he told it when it growled at him."Armand, that's General Jack. He's a friend and allowed to bother me," Xander said from somewhere that sounded distant.
Jack squatted down, letting it sniff his hand. He got a little bit steamed but the dragon nudged his hand so he petted him. "Good guard dragon." He stood up. "Can I come in?" He got out of the way. Jack walked in and stared. "Wow, this is impressive since this used to be the size of a closet."
Xander looked over from a bookcase. "I saw that." He smiled. "The couch is comfy."
"Thanks." He sat down on it, nodding it was comfortable. Armand hopped up to sniff him some more. "Do I smell strange?"
"He's a very tactile dragon." He shelved a few more books and walked back to sit on his newly imported stools of mahogany and wrought steel. "He loves to nap on you too. Fair warning."
"I'll keep that in mind." He petted him, looking around. The room was now about football field sized. Lined with bookshelves. The couch was next to the desk. The main work tables were down the center. The desk was against the original back wall across from the doorway. There were already table lamps on the desk, between the bookcases, and the overhead bulbs had been changed to something less glaringly bright. "You decorated," he said dryly.
"Not fully. I still have to unpack a few more books and then the weapons."
"Can I see?"
"Sure, I don't mind." He got up to walk down to them. Two medium sized shipping cases got nudged out of the pile and opened. Jack stared down in there. It was black inside. Xander grinned. "Very handy since most companies won't ship scythes and things." He pulled out the weapons, laying them on the table. The zat that got pulled out was looked over quickly then put aside. "I had to improvise a way to charge it with a solar charger," he admitted, pulling out a long tube. That got opened and the sword put on the table. "Holy and magical," he warned. "It was a gift for saving a priestess." He pulled out a few more things then checked. That one was empty. He opened the other and pulled out the rest of the swords, the guns, and a few larger things.
Jack moaned and opened them to check them over. "We're confiscating these," Jack said firmly. "You shouldn't have them."
Xander looked at him. "They're for apocalypses."
"I don't care."
"Fine. As long as I can pet them now and then."
"Yup, some guys will let you." He went to the door and got a few of the Marines. "Get the armory master up here." They went to find him. He came back. Armand was on top of the holy sword. "Should you be sitting on that?"
"Yeah, he's like that," Xander said dryly, pulling out the rest. He searched, coming up with a stuck thing. "I knew I was missing that case." He struggled but it came out with only a bit of banging. Then one last thing when he turned it over to shake. He put it down and dropped the dragon in it. "Let me know if I forgot any of the sharp and pointies, Armand." The dragon made happy sounds as he disappeared.
Jack opened that case, staring at the various axes. Xander beamed and started to hang/lean weapons all around the room. His favorites went near his couch or his desk.
The armory master walked in and saluted. "You needed to see me, sir?"
"This is Civilian Specialist Harris and his weapons. Including the artillery. He wants petting rights."
He looked then nodded. The look on his face said he clearly decided Xander was a weapons freak. "I'll let him. Thank you, Specialist Harris. We could always use new ordinance." Xander smiled at him. "Tell me when you want to pet them." He glanced at the other weapons but if he was a civie then he was probably a geek so the swords made sense to him. His assistants came to help him carry the artillery. They'd have to make sure they'd work.
Armand nosed up another few things and went back, coming out with a dagger in his teeth. "Good boy," Xander praised, scratching him. He wiggled out and to the other box to search it. He nosed up another big case and Xander took it to put up too. It was his armor collection.
Daniel walked in. "Wow. I definitely need about half this extra space in my room. Will it end if you go through the gate?"
"No. I have it anchored permanently." He smiled. "Armand, there's a new friend to meet," he called into the box. He came out dragging a whip and went to investigate him.
"Hi, Armand," Daniel said. The dragon sniffed him. "Can I pick you up? My knee hurts from my last mission."
"Sit then," Xander ordered. He sat and the dragon crawled all over him to sniff him. "He approves," he said when the dragon ended up on Daniel's head and fell asleep up there.
Daniel smiled. "I can tell. He's snoring."
"He's very cuddly." He put up the rest of the books and looked around, ending the spells on the cases. "Good!" He smiled and clapped. The hangings and banners were put up to soften the metallic walls. "There, perfect." He came over to sit down on his stool again. "Feel free to bum, Daniel."
"Thanks, Xander." He carefully handed him the dragon. "I might come bum your couch too."
"Sure." He smiled. "Oh, that oil." He found the small jar. "Works wonders as a muscle rub but it doesn't heat up. It was one of those multi-purpose oils. Post workouts to sex to hair to bathing to all sorts of squeaky uses."
Daniel sniffed. "It smells nice. Can we duplicate it?" Xander dug into a box of scrolls, coming up with it. He read it over, nodding. "That's not that hard. I can see if we can get you the stuff so you can make some." He looked around. "This used to be a closet."
Xander snickered. "I saw that." Someone else walked in and stared in awe. "Welcome to my humble dungeon and abode, fair one," he said dryly. "May I assist you in some meaningful or naughty way?"
She flinched, staring at him. "Who're you?"
"Harris," Jack told her. "This is Colonel Sam Carter."
"Hi." He smiled and waved. "Less shocked?"
"Did you take over extra rooms?" she demanded.
"No. It was like this when my bookcases got here."
"There's no way they renovated this for you," she said firmly.
"They didn't," Daniel agreed. "Xander fixed up the space very well. Is that Chinese armor?"
Xander looked then nodded at him, smiling some. "Yes. Han dynasty." Daniel went to look.
Armand woke up and blinked at the new person. He made inquisitive noises. "This is Colonel Carter, Armand." She flinched away. "He's a nice baby dragon, Colonel, really." He held him out. "Let him sniff you. He's very friendly and won't bite unless you're mean or he's starving."
She hesitantly let the beast sniff her then backed off when it bleeted at her. "Um, hi," she told it. "This is really weird."
"That's kinda what I'm used to anyway," Xander quipped.
"Xander, what language is this in?" Daniel asked, holding up a book.
"Pre-Ancients."
"Furling?"
"No. Pre-them too."
"Okay." He flipped through it. "It's science."
"Yeah, they were a culture long before the Furlings quit going 'fire pretty'."
Daniel stared at him. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, although I have no idea how to reconcile the maths."
"They used a different math system?" she asked.
"Yeah, in theirs, three plus two equaled eight and a half." She groaned, shaking her head. "Literally. I can figure out how to do theirs, especially with the formulas, but I can't reconcile it to human maths. Sorry."
"I know someone who would be frustrated and love you to death," Daniel said. "Can we scan it?"
"Yeah, you should be able to." He shrugged. "That whole bookcase has a few more in one of the boxes. From the bright purple book down, it's all really more ancient than you should realize."
"You act like you met them," Sam said.
"Someone of them," he admitted. He smiled. "It took me forever to learn it though. I am very much a hands-on learner. Which worked well since they went on a very strict mentoring system. Including that you were expected to serve your teacher any way they wanted for the knowledge. If you couldn't, you clearly didn't want to learn from them."
"That's barbaric," she said.
He shrugged. "It worked for them for eons. He was kinda nice though. Told me I was a little shit a few times. Decided I was evil once and tried to beat the evil out of me. Otherwise we got along pretty well and I didn't play any more pranks."
"This purple one?" Daniel asked, holding one up.
"No, that's Roman." He found the very obvious purple book and held it up. "That one, yeah." Daniel flipped through that one, humming in interest. Fortunately Xander had put two nice chairs down there and one was a recliner.
"How did you meet one?" Sam asked.
"I got given a blippy dohickey." He smiled. "I learned a lot using it by accident."
"Kid, why did you leave the space?" Jack asked, spotting it.
"In case I have a visitor."
Jack stared at him. "Is it likely?"
"No clue, but UNIT keeps one for him too."
"Keep him hidden if it does," he muttered. Xander nodded at that. "Danny!" Daniel started, looking at him. "We were going to do this to your office?"
"Later, Jack. This is fascinating and on their culture. He's right, they did go on a strict mentor system with a strong sexual aspect to it."
Xander nodded. "Yup, they did." Sam groaned and walked out. Armand sniffed. "She'll get used to you, Armand, I promise. It was just shocking to her. That's all." His dragon sniffled him and went to curl up with the reading one. He wouldn't be moving for hours probably.
Jack shook his head. "Okay then." He smiled at the kid. "Got the map?"
"Got the tour."
"Decent. Phone card?"
"Magical cellphone? Why yes I do."
"Even better. Will it always work?"
"Sometimes eclipses or really strong, nearly-reaching-earth sunspots will affect it."
"Good to know. I want briefed on anything else special in here. Anything magical, anything strange, anything holy or that might look odd to the average grunt."
"I can do that."
"Good. Watch him and make him eat when you do." He left, going up to the office. "Cam," he said, smiling at him. It was good to run into his successor.
"General." He snapped off a quick salute. "I heard we have a new civie to torture?"
"He's not the average specialist. He knows trouble, it loves him more than it does Daniel, but he is at least slightly skilled with weapons."
"I heard something about swords and battle axes."
"And guns," Jack promised.
"Good, we use them a lot more than we do swords. What's his speciality?"
"Languages. Maybe some maths or science. He's a unique case."
"Clearly if he has swords on base. Why did Carter freak out?"
"He's a bit blunt. Shocked her out of her staring in horror at his office by flirting."
"Ah, one of those."
"Yup," he said with a smile. "Set up sparring times with him. I need to know what he can actually do. He's spent some time training recently and I have no idea how good he is."
"Yes, sir. Anything else I should know?"
"He's met species that're more ancient than the Furlings."
"Interesting."
"Wait until you see his office. Where Daniel is sucked into his book collection."
"Standard boot camp?"
"Not a problem. Tell him to do a military level history report too, Cam."
"Yes, sir." He saluted and walked off. He knew where they put the new civie. "Harris," he said, walking in. He heard a hiss and looked down at the thing rushing his way. "What are you?"
"Armand, that's Colonel Mitchell. Daniel likes him. He's on his team."
Armand stared at him then climbed up him, making Mitchell flinch until the little dragon rested on his shoulder so he could stare in his face. "You're a bit odd. They let you keep your pet?"
"Yeah, his species hasn't been created yet. What's up, Colonel?"
"How did you know who I was?"
"Daniel."
"Huh?" Daniel asked, smiling when he spotted them. "Aww, the cuddly dragon likes you."
"He's cute," he said, carefully putting the dragon on the table. "The general wanted a military history report from you and we need to arrange for physical testing and sparring time."
"Okay. Today? Or can we wait until tomorrow?"
"I can arrange it for tomorrow so you can finish unpacking. I didn't know we did some construction down here." He looked around. "Cute armor."
"Thanks." He smiled. "You can bum books too. The fun reading collection is on the first two bookcases by the door." He pointed at the ones behind his couch. "And if you ask nicely I allow naps on the couch or in the recliner."
"Good to know." He stared around again. "This is very interesting. I can see why Carter got stuck. Let me arrange for the sparring times while you do that report for the general. I'll let you know when by dinner time."
"I'll be here."
"That's good." He left, going to put the newbie on the schedules. Range, sparring, gym to see what sort of lifting power he had, and then a run should be good enough. Range time might be tonight. That'd ease his burden a bit tomorrow. He went back there at dinner because there was no way Jackson was being pulled from the books for food. "Harris, range time at 2000 hours."
"I can do that. Which weapons?"
"If you pass, we'll issue you a side arm."
"He has six or seven," Daniel said from his seat. "Rifles too, Cam. Plus he had a zat."
"And I can use a crossbow," Xander said with a grin.
"Good to know. Bring a sample of each type of weapon."
"I can do that."
"Sparring tomorrow at 0800, gym after lunch to make sure you can do the lifting requirements and don't have any problems."
"I can't climb ropes very well," Xander admitted. "I have the upper body strength but it never goes well for me."
"I'll keep that in mind. After that, a leisurely two mile run?"
"If I must," he sighed. "With a pack or not?"
"Without this time." The kid handed him something. "For O'Neill?"
"Yup."
"I'll hand it to him. Dinner time, kids."
"Aww, daddy, how did you know I needed caffeine," Xander cooed.
Cam walked off shaking his head. Yes, the kid was a smartass. He caught him and Daniel in the mess later, which made him happy since he was pretty sure Jackson had missed lunch. He sat down with them. "So, where are you from?"
"Sunnydale. It's a few hours from LA." Cam stared at him. "Yeah, I knew about it and was on the group that helped stop it," he admitted dryly. He stuffed his mouth. "I still don't like Riley and Buffy dating."
"I've only heard rumors."
"Before I got recruited, I heard the same about you guys." He smiled. "Sword practice tomorrow too?"
"I'm not bad."
"I'm a little bit better than not bad."
"Good." He smirked. "We'll hopefully see that when you spar with Teal'c."
"Sure. Not a problem." He ate another bite and looked around. "This is so going to suck. Before I could date."
"There's non frat regs," Cam agreed.
"We assured him if he found someone willing that was fine," Daniel told him. "Xander's...fairly unique."
"And needy. Anya was *so* bad about that."
"We heard," Daniel said dryly. "She showed up to yell at us for taking you."
"She didn't want me."
"Apparently she wanted you conveniently nearby to see occasionally."
Xander looked at him. "I knew Anya talked about orgasms, Daniel. That's one of the few things she liked to talk about. Very loudly usually."
"I remember her," Cam said with a grin. "You dated her?"
"She was my fiancee."
"Wow."
"Yeah, and she was a bit needy. I so need to find a brothel." He shook his head and stuffed his mouth.
"Don't ask me, I wouldn't know," Daniel quipped.
"I get mine in the clubs," Cam admitted with a smirk.
"The last time I did that she tried to eat me." Cam's fork fell out of his fingers. "Literally. I had to get her off my throat. But I seem to draw girls like that."
"That was mentioned in the profile that problematic program did," Daniel said.
Xander smiled. "They probably had no idea. How far back did they go?"
"A Miss Chase and then Anya."
"Before her was Ampata." Daniel stiffened. "Oh, you saw her traveling show?"
"Was she ...Incan perhaps?"
"Yup." He smiled. "Someone broke bad on her seal by accident. She was kinda sweet. Didn't want to be there but got chosen for it. She hated it and what went on." He ate another bite.
Daniel moaned. "You're so going on a team that has very good fighters."
"Armand will help save me."
"I'm sure he will," Cam agreed. "Have I met her?"
"No, I don't think so. You didn't want to go with me when I went to see her show," Daniel said.
"Before her was Mrs. French. Leggy, beautiful woman who killed our biology teacher after having his virginal self fertilize her future spawn. Then she went after the other virgins in the school." Daniel whimpered. "Thankfully, she didn't like bats and Buffy drove her off with some before she ripped my head off after sex." He took a drink of his soda. "So, what sort of allies should I try not to hit on?"
"All of them," Daniel said. He looked around, not seeing any of his language geek squad, so he switched to Latin. "What was she?" Daniel asked.
Xander smirked, giving back the proper name. Daniel whimpered. "Exactly." He beamed. "I really have got to find someone new."
"What about when you were...blipped?" Daniel asked.
"Well, there was....Octy. There was....SiSi. Though that's a bit of a longer story. That one teacher. Masters Nycroft and Nycom. Julian. He was kinda sweet but very strange. Wanted to sculpt and had a *terrible* eye for it. I'd have to go over the book with you. Some are in...sensitive areas."
"I'm sure they were." Daniel stared at him.
"Personally, the base is 'we don't care as long as we don't have to see it, but only hit on people who'd be receptive'," Cam said quietly.
"Jack told him he could bait people who needed it," Daniel said.
"Okay, and them." The boy let out an evil cackle. "You can't build things like death rays, right?"
"Don't know, never tried."
Cam moaned. "How science oriented are you?"
"Buttons pretty. I could probably be more interested and maybe understand a lot more now, but I like weapons."
"Good! We like that. Though, I'm seeing a scary future of finding you your own team. It's bad enough Jackson's team had to be so warrior heavy."
Daniel swatted him. "It's not like every super geek we have needs a personal bodyguard team."
"Yeah!" he snorted. "I have you and Carter with Teal'c. We need another heavy bodyguard type now and then. McKay has Sheppard as his bodyguard and regular grunt person."
"Sheppard's very smart," Daniel said. "He's very into math."
"I don't care. Every super genius we have gets their own guard team. This one's going to be hard to find."
"Make sure they aren't too uptight or I'll drive them nuts," Xander said with an angelic smile.
Cam stared at him. "Yeah, you will. I can already feel some sanity slipping. Especially since I think your pet followed you." He looked down.
Xander looked under the table. "C'mere." Armand crawled up beside him and took a good bit of food off his tray and onto the spare roll plate he had gotten. His baby dragon nuzzled him and hummed as he dug in.
"What is that?" one of the scientists demanded as she came in.
"His name's Armand and he's mine," Xander told her. "He's usually friendly but wait until he's scarfed down his food." He dug in again, looking at Daniel. "So, I saw your office's piles. When do I get my own?"
"I want notes on the books you have and any languages I might not know."
"Okay. Already done."
"Good!" He smiled. "Then we'll get to work sorting some of my piles onto you once I made sure you're as good as they said you were."
"Even better. After the run tomorrow or tonight?"
"I can do that tonight." She moved closer. "Armand is very cuddly. He helped me read a new book earlier," he told her.
"Is he deadly?" she asked.
"He can bite," Xander admitted. "He usually doesn't unless he feels threatened. He's more friendly than some cats." She stared at the dragon when it looked at her. "Tell him your name. He's very smart."
"I'm Doctor Lantana." She let it sniff her hand. Then the dragon yawned and leapt, climbing up her arm to sniff her face. "Huh. You are very friendly."
"Yes he is." He clapped his hands and Armand leapt back to him, letting himself be sat in the lap. "He snuck off."
"That's okay. Can I take some x-rays of him and things...which one are you?"
"Harris. Linguistics."
"I'm in xenobiology. I won't hurt him."
"I don't mind x-rays. He likes to laugh at them."
"That's wonderful. Does it shed?"
"Not often. Now and then he'll have a scale that sticks and comes off."
"Can I have one to test on?"
"Sure." She beamed and went to get her own dinner, then take it back to the lab so she could tell her coworkers they had finally gotten a pet on base that wasn't a Marine who needed ear scratches for carrying things.
"Think I can bribe someone to get me some pots and some soil the next time someone runs into town?" Xander asked Daniel. "I forgot to pick some up."
"Sure. Give me a list of what you need. What are you planting?"
"A couple of helpful meditation herbs and a few things that I got from a special conservatory. They're in stasis right now."
"Make me a list, Xander."
"Can I bribe you to pick me up some two-liters since I live on soda?" he asked with a cute look. "I might share some of my twinkies with you."
"I might be able to be talked into it," he said dryly. Xander beamed at him.
"Why is it you super geeks live on sugar and caffeine?" Cam asked.
"It brings our giant brains into focus and lets our bodies work as fast as our brains do," Xander quipped. Cam snickered. "Though I'm not a super geek. I just happened to learn a lot during some strange things."
"You learned it, that makes you a super geek," Cam said firmly. "Most of us would've ignored it."
"You can't really when you're dropped in the middle of somewhere and you don't know the local language."
"True but most of the ones we recruit for are long dead."
"Yeah," Xander agreed. "They are."
"Are you a Highlander?" he teased.
"Nah, mine's a side effect of the blippy thing I got given."
"I don't need to know," he decided. "Even if it's something that downloaded into your brain, that still makes you a super geek." He finished up and left the two super geeks alone. He'd see him on the range in a few minutes.
Xander finished up and went to gather weapons with Daniel's help. The range wasn't that hard to find. He closed Armand in his office this time. That way he couldn't help on the range. Or get taken by a xenobiologist.
***
Cam Mitchell looked at the two generals the next night, sighing in frustration. "Who is he?" he asked when they stared back. "There's a huge enigma about him and how he knows what he knows. He's used a lot of temporal reference quips. He's clearly military trained. I want to cut him to see if he has a bit of immortal healing."
"He's not an immortal," Jack admitted. "The 'blippy thing' he talked about was a time traveling device that got set off by accident."
"No wonder!"
"By his report, he's been in four wars, a few more minor battles, and hated most of them. Also, in his hometown, before then, he was on the local protection society. So he had some training from all that. How were his range scores?" Jack asked.
"Damn near perfect. Handgun, P-90, rifle, zat was a bit to the left. He said the one he had found was a bit awkward and he was used to it. Staff weapons too. He and Teal'c sparred with a staff earlier today. Teal'c said he's not bad. Self-conscious but he can drop into 'fuck this' mode as the kid put it when I asked him about it. When we were on the run in the woods, which was a bit slower than I'd like, he managed to track down an injured guy who had fallen while running and broke his ankle by sound." Jack nodded at that. "Then straightened it for him and did a splint until the docs could get him."
"Sounds about right," Jack agreed. "How slow was his running?"
"It was clearly an easy jog. I pushed him to all-out run like something was going to eat him. He quipped and said if they were fun he might not run from them. That was almost normal. On muscle and lifting mass he's above average."
"He was working construction."
"Wonderful! How are you going to find a colonel to pair him with, sir?" Landry choked. "What?" he defended. "Each of our super geeks have a highly tolerant, overprotective colonel on their tails for when they wander into trouble. Jackson had him then me. McKay has Sheppard. Carter is kinda my backup and kind of Jackson's on that issue so we have the other super warrior on our team."
"I'm still looking," Jack said blandly. "Did Doctor Lam test him for the ATA gene?"
"Yup. She said he's fairly strong. Sheppard might kill you for sending him a second super geek."
"The kid would sleep with anyone who didn't like them and then they'd have more allies," Jack quipped back.
"Yeah, he censored himself about that topic a few times," he said dryly. "Speaking of, Armand has been seen by a xenobiologist. She's taken scans and Harris went with him to make sure she didn't hurt his pet. He's worried more will covet him."
"He can kick their butts," Jack assured him. "And I do mean the dragon." Landry gave him a horrified look.
"He said his baby dragon's species hasn't been created yet," Cam told him. "Is Armand being geek sat when he's on missions?"
"By his report, Armand's been in a few battles with him," Jack said. "If you find a team to suggest, let us know."
"Make them *real* tolerant of the smartass gene, General. I think he could out-snark McKay sometimes. He definitely managed to get Carter. He made her blush, which I didn't know she could do."
"It takes a lot to get her."
"He offered her a twinkie so she walked off in a huff."
Landry coughed. "This is my new linguist?" he asked.
"He's like some curious cross between Jackson, Sheppard, and some oversexed guy in the clubs," Cam told him.
"I'm not sure if Sheppard likes weapons as much as the kid does," Jack said, considering it. "I know our arms master was amused."
Landry looked at him. "What did you bring me in him?"
"Thirty-five languages and knowledge from a culture that was pre-Furling."
"That's helpful," he decided.
"Who's a classic white knight, has been in battles both before and during his blippy phase as he calls it, loves weapons from the simplistic up, and who might be a bigger brain but he doesn't do well in classroom learning. He's still soaking up knowledge when it's given to him in other ways."
"So, if we could get Carter to teach him physics?" Cam asked.
"He doesn't learn well from lectures. She'd have to put it in more practical terms."
"What was he doing before his...blippy phase?" Landry asked. Jack pulled up a file on the kid. The Initiative had taken a lot of film of the group when they found out there was one. Landry stared then at him when the first vampire went poof into dust. "Excuse me?" he demanded.
"Protecting that town, Hank. Him, two girls, a former member of a certain society in England that makes Danny boy steam at the ears most of the time for the way they hoard information."
"Can I know?" Cam asked. "Maybe I'll be able to find a good Colonel to set on the new super geek."
"It's not exactly classified. This part. The group he helped shut down is." He let him see it. Cam stared, one eyebrow quirked up, arms crossed over his chest. "So he was partially trained before then took some more while he was blipped."
"Uh-huh. So he can handle it if something goes FUBAR?"
"That's the only word to describe his town," Jack agreed. "Though it was nice they didn't try to keep Daniel."
"Odd too," Cam quipped back. The next film was played and he moaned. "Why does he have an axe?"
"He seems to favor them," Jack said with a small shrug. "You didn't see them all over his office?"
"Yeah." They kept going and he had to sigh. "Crap!"
"Yeah," Jack said dryly, letting Hank have his monitor back. "Keep him away from the Tok'ra. I have the feeling they're not going to get along. Especially not Anise."
"No doubt unless he hits on her. He said he used to date evil women," he said at Landry's opening mouth. "Apparently Daniel knew one. He seemed fairly shocked to hear her name in the discussion." He scratched the side of his neck. "So he's like a lighter, fluffier, funnier, gayer version of Jackson then." Jack nodded with a smirk. "There's no way unless your clone is coming in sometime soon, sir."
"I doubt Jon would be able to handle him," he admitted dryly. "The kid jokes when he's under stress. Plus he's a Monty Python person instead of a Simpsons one."
"I'll look," he offered. "Maybe Major Lorne from Atlantis until we can find him one of his own?"
"I might consider that but it'll be a while before he goes trekking through the gateway."
"Good! Think he'll have Sheppard's problems?"
"Oh, yeah," Jack moaned, nodding. "But more allies."
"That's a good thing I guess. Can I have popcorn when he meets Sheppard and McKay?"
"Sure, you and me both," Landry said dryly. "I heard rumors he renovated?"
"No, he magically expanded the closet we gave him," Jack said. "Literally."
"Magic isn't real," Cam said.
"Then you explain how he has little glowing light balls attached to his walls between his bookcases that aren't biological," Jack said.
"Carter's going to have a fit," he complained.
"Yup." He beamed. "It'll do her good to lose her mind for a bit. It did the rest of us."
"Clearly I'm better for losing mine too," Cam said dryly. "I won't tell her magic is real, sirs. If you want her to know, you tell her." He saluted and walked off. He sent a letter off to Sheppard to warn him. Maybe he knew someone who could be his soldier/guard/anti-geek.
Landry looked at Jack. "What, exactly, does blipping consist of?"
"The kid got hold of a temporal artifact."
"Oh, dear lord," he muttered. Jack handed him the bottle of antacid. "Thank you. How bad?"
"He learned a lot but some of it was refining skills. He did warn me that he's not going to hide his personality any more. I told him to make it subtle when he flirted."
"I heard about something from UNIT," Landry sighed.
"Yeah, he's got a space set up in case one of them visits suddenly."
"He ran into the Doctor?"
"At least twice."
"Hell."
"The kid's not bad, even before he blipped. I would've recruited him as a soldier then. Now, he's got language skills and UNIT made it clear if we didn't want him, they were going to corrupt him."
"No, we need him more. There's no telling what he learned that could help us. Back in time?"
"I think forward and back since Armand isn't supposed to exist for a few centuries."He smirked. "That might be very helpful on Atlantis."
"His answer to having to spend some time there was 'cool'."
"He'll drive Sheppard and McKay nuts," he realized. "Woolsey too."
"Woolsey would probably go mental if he had to deal with the kid for too long. He'll definitely pick at a personality that doesn't get along with his. Mitchell was right about something. He is like the demented child between Jackson and Sheppard."
"Don't give the Asgard any ideas, please!" he begged. Jack walked off laughing at that. Landry went back over the file. He'd meet his new linguist later that night. Better to be forewarned than stunned stupid at the wrong time. The kid had to learn to respect him.
***
On Atlantis, John Sheppard got the weekly emails and stared since he actually got one. He opened it and smiled. "Mitchell's in so much trouble." He considered it. "McKay," he called, bringing him into his office. "The program has a new super geek."
"Are we getting him?"
"Maybe sometimes. He's a linguist." He let him read the email. Rodney glared at him. "The soldiers all know that any of the super geeks get their own teams for a reason. You guys get into trouble while being geeks."
"It says this one's like a cross between you and Jackson. Maybe he won't need a team."
"Bet me," he snorted. "Did you not see how much trouble he gets into?"
"Multiplied by your own?" McKay said dryly.
"Exactly! If he has the luck their team has and our team has, they're going to need another one like O'Neill and Mitchell plus a Jaffa."
"So three soldiers?" he taunted.
"Maybe. If he comes up here, I'm giving him to Lorne's team. He deals with you and Radek enough to know how to get geeks to do important things, like stop studying."
Major Evan Lorne leaned in. "Did I just hear myself sacrificed?"
"There's a new super geek in linguistics," Sheppard told him dryly.
"He's supposedly like a cross between this one and Jackson."
Lorne shuddered. "With all due respect, sir, unless this one has sense, I'd hide from him."
"He has physical fight training. Cam said he likes swords and battle axes."
"A ren faire geek, that's even worse," he complained. Sheppard let him see the email, earning a whimper. "I'd need a leash, Colonel."
"Maybe," he admitted.
"At least you have some warning," Rodney said sarcastically.
"And it says he's an ATA carrier. Joy!" Lorne said, walking off shaking his head. That meant they'd definitely have the new super geek on the base sometime. He was doomed. He went to warn the other people Major or above. That's as low as super geeks ever got given to. You needed real experience to herd a super geek around the galaxy without letting them get into *too* much trouble. He found most of them doing mandatory range time. "Bad news, guys, there's a new super geek in linguistics," he announced.
One moaned. "Did Jackson pop up with a clone finally?"
"No, from the email, this one was recruited after an incident left him with over thirty-five languages." That got a mass moan. "He is apparently slightly weapons and physical combat trained, though he's got a ren faire and sword bent, and he's an ATA carrier."
One stiffened. "I used to know someone who had that sort of luck."
"Was his name Harris?" Lorne asked dryly. The guy banged his head against a wall. "I'll take that as a yes."
He looked at him. "He's got more than physical combat training. He and the group he was helping out to protect their town helped take down a covert military unit I was assigned to. Whoever gets him should know he's a goofy, sarcastic bastard who draws women with issues. His last one, the only one I personally know of, talked about sex *constantly* only she called it orgasms."
"Mitchell said he was like a kid between Sheppard and Jackson," Lorne offered.
"With the ability to do the improbable like O'Neill did." He walked off, going to confess to Sheppard about that project so someone on base was warned. The kid was going to warp the SGC. They'd have to see Carter dressed like Summers and Cam Mitchell in ugly hawaiian shirts. He walked into the office. "I know the new super geek tangentially, sir. If you put me anywhere near him, we might lose him and he might want to kill me because I was part of a covert program his cohorts helped shut down. Also, warn Colonel Mitchell that the boy only draws evil and problematic women from what I know and have heard. He's the captain of the improbable happening more than O'Neill was when he was on a team. Tell him to watch out for ugly shirts too. The boy wore some really ugly hawaiian shirts." He walked off shaking his head.
"Okay, that's interesting," John said, staring after his major. McKay hummed. He sent that message back to Mitchell. Fair warning was always good since he was the prime colonel who might have to train the new super geek's team to deal with him. It wasn't usually automatic that super geeks could deal with military mindsets.
***
Xander bounced into the gateroom, smiling and beaming at SG-1. He was going to an old temple the linguists were working on as a trial run to see how he handled himself in the field.
"Caffeine, now," Mitchell ordered. He knew that the kid needed it to quit bouncing. He had learned that when he had Carter cut off his soda habit for a weekend. The resulting weapons were very evil. Sweet, destructive, but evil. Especially when it was nearly used on them for cutting off his caffeine.
"I just had some." He beamed. "Armand woke me up a bit late since he did something to my alarm clock."
Daniel shook his head. "Your pack's leaking."
Xander took it off and looked. "Oops, my can got ruptured." He pulled something out of a baggie while gulping the rest of the soda. The sponge inflated to soak up almost all of the mess. Some still remained in the fabric. "Here, Armand."
"That's a sponge, not food," Carter complained.
"Yeah, he can pretty well eat anything protein." He let him have the sponge, making him belch at the fizziness but he was happily purring. Xander blotted the rest with a spare t-shirt, letting him have that too. Then he repacked everything. "That's why I keep things in tightly sealed plastic bags. It looks like my dart got free and punctured it."
"You're carrying a blow dart?" Cam demanded, looking amused.
"Can you think of a better silent weapon?"
"No," he sighed, shaking his head. It was scary how some of Xander's common sense ideas worked.
"That's why I have it." He looked. Then he pulled out a small bag and a few extra things to put in there.
"Most of us carry things like rations, extra notebooks, and a spare change of clothes," Daniel told him.
"Eww, ration bars." He unpacked. "Let's see. Sixteen shrunken sodas so I don't go into caffeine withdrawal and caffeine pills if we go long. First aid kit, chocolately goodness for sudden energy needs because protein bars are disgusting. Pemican in fish, deer, and goose. Shrunken camp stove and gas canister, plus two pots and a pan in the bag, but I think I forgot the utensils." He put that aside. "Two extra t-shirts. Extra pair of pants and socks." He put that aside. "Sealed notebooks in plastic." That got put down. "Three fun books in case I get bored and can't sleep but I'm not on watch."
He put those aside too. "Cellphone that has worked to see if I can find signals since it can pick up subspace signals." Sam shook her head with a moan. "And has proven useful," he noted. He put that aside and pulled out the weapons case "Blow dart and pipe. Traveling kit for swords and battle axes." He looked, it had two swords and his favorite axe in it. He put that aside once it was closed. "Oil in case of cramps." That got put into an inner pocket. "Two candy bars because someone asked me to give them to Doctor Davis for his birthday. And the six cards for him too." He put those aside then looked. Then up at them. "Good enough?"
"No extra guns?" Cam asked blandly.
"I've got three on me plus my P-90. Do I need more?"
"No," he said, walking off to kick the wall and moan about it. "Repack, Harris. That'll give the caffeine time to kick in."
"Yes, mother." He repacked while Daniel snickered quietly into Sam's shoulder. She was slumped and shaking her head.
"It is a wise warrior who packs extra weapons," Teal'c said. "Especially when two highly intelligent people are going on the same mission."
Cam came back. "Unload the artillery, let's see what you're carrying so I know how to grab it when we need it." Xander shrugged and disarmed himself. Collapsible metal rod in his pocket. Three knives, the mentioned three guns, two on his back waistband, one in an ankle holster. One dagger he had taped to his back under his shirt. Necklace that apparently was very sharp because he took it off.
"I saw a charm bracelet in your bag," Sam said. "Memento?"
"No. But don't touch it. They'll grow." He checked himself and patted himself down, taking out his extra ammo clips from his jacket pockets. Cam stared at him. He beamed back. "Just in case, boss, really. I figured out what I'd take in case we ran into a threat."
Cam nodded. "Yeah. Good idea. Put it back on and leave the dragon in your office."
"Armand likes to travel and he's very useful. He can tell gou'ald larva." Teal'c stiffened. "It took me a bit to realize while he kept giving you long stares, big guy. Sorry, if I had realized I would've told him you were a good guy. I have since, that's why he's trying to eat your bootlace." He rearmed himself. The alarm went off overhead and the iris closed over the stargate as 'unscheduled offworld activation' went out over the loudspeakers. "I do what beyond stand here and greet whoever?" he asked Daniel.
"Stay out of the way."
"It's the team on PX-2254x, sir," Chuck said.
"Release the iris."
He hit the button. Then again. "It's stuck. Captain Tolliver, the iris is stuck, do not enter the wormhole," he sent.
"We're under attack!" he complained.
Xander looked at it then climbed up onto the railing around the ramp. "Are there supposed to be magnets holding the center, Chuck?"
"No, Xander." He took them off and the iris opened. "Thank you. Gateway is clear, Captain. Incoming, people. Medical team to the gateroom."
"Move, Armand. Out of the way." Xander moved his pack too so it wouldn't be in the way. "Need my help? I can at least do first aid."
"Medical team has it," Carter told him. "You can do it for us in the field."
"Sure." People came limping through and one collapsed half in the wormhole. They moved up to move the poor guy, handing him back to his teammates.
"Anyone left there?" Cam asked the security leader.
He looked around. "James and Patrick should be behind me." He counted noses again. "They're not here."
"Okay. Teal'c." They grabbed weapons. Xander too. "You, stay."
"Shut up. I've been in more wars than you have, kid." They went for the wormhole but a gou'ald came through. Armand hissed at it. "You fucking idiot," he said, shooting him.
"You are all ours now," the Jaffa said.
Xander kicked him. "No, I'm not. You're not cute enough for me." Another one came through and then his boss. "Si."
"Xander?" he asked, staring at him. He huffed. "Why are you with them?"
"They're my people."
"It is...."
Xander glared, tapping a foot. "Shut the hell up. I'm not having this argument with you. You're a bastard and if you don't back off you know damn well I'll take you out." The Jaffa moved toward him and he kicked him back through the gateway. "What wimps you're surrounding yourself with, Si."
The gou'ald groaned. "I know you are still angry but you can come with me. We can be together again."
"Except that your newest body isn't up to my standards, and you never told me about that little problem you have with the host. I only like one soul in any given body." The man glared. His eyes flashed. Xander's flashed back. "Get off my planet. They're my people now. We will fight."
"I want you back," he complained. "You were my perfect mate. I will not even offer you as a host because it would destroy the mind that drew me, just leaving me with the body that I desired." He stepped forward. "We were an exciting match that invigorated many to worship us."
"I don't need worship and I don't like your host or the reason you have one. What makes you think I'd take you back?"
The godly wanna be pouted. "We were good together. We had much fun. Feasted and helped many prosper."
Xander raised an eyebrow. "Then you didn't tell me that you're a host. I don't like that. One soul per body unless it was a possession and you got rid of it."
"You would dump me for them?" he demanded.
"Um, yeah. They're honorable and don't lie to me."
The gou'ald's eyes narrowed. "I can take them hostage. Make you come back to save them."
"Dear, even if that were true, I'd take over and we'd have the Empire of Xander problem again." His former boyfriend shuddered. "Now, hop in your pyramid and scoot! You're bothering my new people."
"Just one try?" he begged. "You can bring them as your harem. I will not mind you having ones since you needed much more than even this younger, more strong body could give."
Xander looked him over then shook his head. "That body's not really to my tastes, Si. Sorry. No. I respect them. They respect me. If you try this shit again, we're going to have a war." Armand grew and growled at the gou'ald. "Didn't I tell you not to do that? It makes you starving for days on end, Armand!" The gou'ald stared at it in awe. "Yeah, that's the baby."
"He is still very pretty and very serious in your protection. I have liked Armand for that." He let it sniff him. "I was there when you hatched." It snapped at his stomach. "Fine, I will leave your human father alone." He stared at Xander. "This is not done."
"Yes it is. I might even go back to women." He pouted all the way back through. "You have ten minutes to clear it before I come up there and take over," he shouted after him. The gou'ald shuddered right before crossing the gateway. He turned to stare at his dragon, hands on his hips. "Down, now." He shrank. "Thank you! I can protect myself from my former lovers. You don't need to growl at them. Make Teal'c pet you." He sighed, leaning on a railing. "Doc, can I help bandage or anything?"
"No, I think you're going to be debriefing," she said bluntly, looking at him. "You slept with that?"
"I had no idea he had a larva. I don't like it when you have more than one soul in a body. It usually gives you bad ideas." He came down to lift someone up that they were having problems with. He got him the candy bars and cards. "I was supposed to carry those to you," he said with a gentle smile.
"Thank you, Harris."
"You're welcome." He waited until they were gone to look at Cam. "I was working in an architect's office. Someone had decided I was a prize to steal from early Athens. I managed to beat their asses and get free so I was working to pay for passage back home. The next thing I know, the royal architect's office was invaded by guards and then Si. Si flirted. I flirted back.
"That body wasn't that horrible in bed, but this new one looked like a gym rat and I can't stand gym rats. They talk about their muscles more than what they've read or watched. He didn't tell me he had an extra little bit to him and when I found out I got *real* pissed and nearly destroyed him. I did go through most of his guards that tried to protect him. I destroyed a good bit of his personal quarters throwing them at him. Then he offered me the chance to join him. Well.... I probably shouldn't have pulled the hand grenade out back in ancient Egypt... but it was kinda satisfying to watch him flee."
"We definitely won't let them take you," Daniel said. In his mind he was cackling. He knew Xander could pull out the diva act.
Xander looked at him. "Like with Octi, I would've made it the Empire of Xander, Daniel. We'd all be having a lot more fun."
"I can agree it would probably be more fun than the Roman empire."
"Oh, I don't know, Octi's court was pretty fun. Lots of really good food."
"Octi, like Octavius?" Sam asked.
"Octavian, but yeah. Why?"
"As in Caesar?" she demanded shrilly.
"Yeah. He was pretty decent in bed. Treated me as a favored mistress." He shrugged. "Had people come in to tutor me in things like philosophy, because I had no idea why I was so confused. I'm not really the lecture learner."
Sam flopped down, giving him a horrified look. "You ...slept with a Caesar?"
"Yeah."
"But.... they...."
"Yes, sweetie, some of us are *bi*," Xander said dryly, staring her down. "Though I'm a bit picky in some things. I like me some pretty, some brains, but not overly much of either or it gets annoying, and I hate gym rats. Use hard is one thing, bowflex ripped is another. Most gym rats really don't use their minds all that much."
"It is true, one who works for his muscles or trains in fighting to gain them respect them more than those who irrationally bulk up to say they have muscles," Teal'c agreed. "I have never understood those body builders you see on the tv."
"Me either." Xander shrugged. Sam was still staring at him in horrified shock. "What?" he asked finally.
"You... But then...."
"Blippy. Thing," he said dryly. She groaned, flopping onto her back. He shrugged at Cam's confused look. "Sue me, he treated me well and I was lonely."
"No, not that. Could you really take them over?"
"Possibly. Might take me a bit to get the higher ups to see things my way. Ra was always so amused Si had me." He shrugged. "Anyway, it's been ten minutes. Can we make sure they fled like good minions?"
"No," Cam said. "I want a list of every gou'ald you ever ran into. We have a problem with Ba'al. Are we going to have a similar scene?"
"Eww. I have taste."
"Good!" he said. "Will you end up kicking his ass?"
"Most likely if he tries to pinch me again. Because, yeah, I like *minds* that don't screw with others."
General Landry coughed over the loud speaker. "Harris," he said calmly. Daniel burst out cackling. "Doctor Jackson!"
"Sorry, General, but the last time I heard that tone of voice, General Hammond was trying very hard not to yell at Jack for blowing up something."
"I heard about that mission," he said bluntly.
"I read it," Cam muttered. "Why me?" he asked the ring. Sam started to come back around. "Hey, Carter, you done being a girl?" he called loudly.
Xander hauled her up and handed her to a waiting Marine. "Here. My magnificence stunned her giant brain. Coming, General." He walked out, going up there to be chewed a new one.
Cam looked at Armand, who walked over to Teal'c and climbed him.
"You are heavier than usual," he complained. But he did lighten over the next few minutes so he petted him. "It was very nice of you to protect us from your father's former keeper. Thank you, Armand." The dragon meeped at him and snuggled in to be adored.
"He definitely needs at least two anti-geeks on his team," Cam said. Daniel nodded, bursting out laughing again. "I so want to see him slug Ba'al though."
"With the way he draws bad girls, Adria," Daniel laughed.
"Oh, god, no," he moaned, shaking his head. "Eww, Daniel!"
"If, as has been stated, his past dating history is full of evil women, then she may be what he is looking for," Teal'c said. "He may even convince her to be on our side."
"I'll suggest it," Daniel snickered. Xander came back. "Are you okay?" he asked since he looked a bit embarrassed.
"He wanted full disclosure of anyone else I slept with. So I gave him my book. He's presently having a headache." He put on his pack. "Can we go?"
"Chuck?" Cam called.
"Permission granted, Colonel. General Landry gave you a go."
They left, going to check the site to make sure the gou'ald had fled. They ran into Si but Xander glared and sighed, pulling out a weapon. The guards fled. Si pouted. Xander cocked it and pointed it at him. "I said no."
"Please?"
"No!" He shot at his feet, making him sulk but stomp off. "Get in your little ship and flee! Before I go talk to the higher ups and make them beg the same way."
"I would like that," Si said with a smile.
"I'm sure you would but they'd be mine, not yours." The gou'ald slumped at his vision of taking over being dashed. "Shoo!" He got beamed up and took off. Xander growled. "I hate clingy ex's. Anya's going to be bad enough!"
Daniel patted him on the back. "Everyone has one sometime, Xander. Calm down."
"I need ice cream," he complained. He followed Daniel to the site. The invasion had knocked down a few walls and destroyed a few more into bits and pieces. "This is going to suck to put back together." He sighed and they started to pick up pieces and any leftover gear the group had left.
Sam Carter came over to help. "I don't mind if you're gay, Xander."
"I'm bi, Sam."
"Sure, that's fine."
"And I flirt, always. I won't flirt with you though. You're too much brain and not enough fun." He smiled at her. "I need more fun in my life."
"I get that. Thank you for being honest. I'll let you flirt when you're having a bad day or I am."
Cam was muttering about how not even Sheppard would be able to guard the kid. Teal'c was ignoring him. "Perhaps another Jaffa will sign on to go with a team," he decided. Cam smiled at him, nodding some. "I foresee many amusing trips for his team like ours had over the years."
Xander looked over. "If you're sure." He smiled. "I wouldn't mind fun."
"By any chance you don't know any ascended, do you?" Sam asked.
"She was ascended by the Powers That Be to be their messenger. She's glowy squid girl."
Daniel stared at him. "Cordelia?"
"Yeah. We dated in high school." He smiled. "Yes, the fluke was just that if she told you. And they all blamed me even though I wasn't the only one there. I'm damn sorry it happened though."
"Yeah, she mentioned you. Called you an ugly shirt wearing dork a few times."
"Hey, I like my hawaiian shirts," he complained. "Even if she was miss fashionable cheerleader."
"I understand so much better," Daniel told him. "She told me once that you were the butterfly in the chaos theory." Xander beamed at that description. "Also that you got into some of the strangest, most warping trouble. I should've listened to her."
Xander laughed. "I still love the glowy squid girl but yeah, we were all snark and closet groping. Did she tell you she broke up with me on valentine's day, right after I gave her a present, so I cast a love spell that backfired and had the whole town's women after me?"
"Yeah, she did," he said dryly. He shook his head. "Please don't do it again. We have enough problems with the gou'ald queens sending out pheromone bombs."
He waved a hand. "I can still kick their asses through it. They don't really pick them for pretty." He got back to work.
Cam stared at him. "Been there, done that?" he guessed.
"Twice. No t-shirt, sorry. Or I'd share." He smiled at him.
"If you get one, give it to Jackson." He rubbed his forehead. Sheppard was going to cackle himself into the infirmary over this trip. Maybe they'd make a five person team for Xander? Four non-geeks and him? That might keep the chaos around him down, right?
***
On Atlantis four days later, John Sheppard opened his email from Mitchell. He burst out cackling. "Yeah, that's bad." Lorne looked over so he waved him in. "Harris' first gate mission. It got interrupted by someone he slept with."
Lorne came in to read over his shoulder, snickering the whole way through it. "I won't let them steal me, Colonel." He walked off happier, shaking his head. They might have an emergency soon but maybe... "Think we could get him up here to help us?"
"Don't tempt me," John called back. "I'd unleash him on the Genii."
Woolsey walked out of his office. "What are you two cackling about?' he demanded.
"The new super geek on base, Harris," Lorne said dryly.
"I didn't know we had found another expert. What field is he in?"
"Linguistics." Lorne got back to work. "Colonel, do we think we can ask him if he knows anyone around here too?"
"I might." He made suggestions back that had helped him with McKay. Each geek needed their own strategy for dealing with their moods, their innate sense of trouble, and their personality flaws. Though, he wasn't sure being a flaming flirter was a bad one. Woolsey came into his office. "The new linguist is supposed to be like a cross between me and Doctor Jackson. Their first away mission with him and SG-1 was interrupted by someone he had slept with."
"Invading the base?"
"Literally through the stargate. Mitchell blamed it on a blippy thing that he said he had access to for a while."
"Blippy thing?"
"Ask General Landry, that's all we were told."
"Fine." He went to send him an email in the weekly packet. Plus one to the IOA board to see if he should request this new linguist on his project.