"Oh my god, you're the real Hannibal King!" a woman squealed in the
airport. "You're the one they got the _Blade_ stories from."
He smirked. "I am. Thankfully I'm on vacation." He
winked. She hugged him and bounded off babbling in her
cellphone. Hannibal went to get his other bag and headed to the
rental car desk. His carry-on went on the seat beside
him. It held some really scary things. He input Xander's
address, which Dawn had given him, and drove out the way the map machine
said to. It was a pretty drive. Hawaii was beautiful.
"Maybe I'll retire here. Be an uncle to the heathen future
hunters." He found Xander's house easily enough. It looked
like the newest one on the street. He parked in front and got out,
taking off his sunglasses to look Dawn over since she had opened the
door. "You look like crap, kid."
"I feel like crap, Hannibal, but thanks." She smirked. He
grinned back. "He's at the docs for the next hour.
Last of the just in case rabies shots." He shuddered. "It
was worse than I thought. Get in here. You're letting out
all the air conditioning."
He laughed. "You're in the doorway, why is that my fault?"
"Other people are staring at you too." He grinned, getting his
carry-on out so he could go inside. "Guys, this is Hannibal.
He's a hunter that we've worked with a few times."
Roque stared at him oddly. Hannibal smirked. "Someone caught
me nearly drunk and telling stories." Roque groaned and shook his
head. So did Clay. Jensen and Pooch both cackled and Cougar
tipped his baby cowboy hat down some, shaking his head. He
flopped down. "We're still missing three of Loki's. We
think they're in her actual apartment."
"Possibly. Though I'm not sure even Xander knows where that
is." She got them both something to drink and brought out the
bottles of water for the kids. "Drink time." They all huffed
but took the bottles. "Hey, in a few more months you get a sippy
cup." Frank pouted. "Fine motor control, dear. Once
you have it, it'll start getting better. And then shortly
afterward no more diapers too." They all grinned at that.
Jensen hugged her leg as he drank. "You're adorable,
Jensen." She petted through his hair. "Even if the others do
use you as a distraction so they get some alone time." He
gaped. She smirked. "Anya used me that way a few times to
get nookie." He cackled and patted her, going back to his
"Xander said something about seeing her," Hannibal said.
"They pulled her back to do a different job. Then her boss tried
to sabotage her will so Xander got nothing, even pictures. She
went off on the new boss and is now in her version of hell having to run
things." She beamed. He cackled and nodded. "She was
even too tired for sex when she showed up last time."
Xander walked in and paused then flopped down next to Hannibal. "Thanks."
"Welcome." He handed over the bag. "Leave the underwear alone."
"Yours are much too big for me," he teased. He pulled out the books. "Not her childhood ones."
"They could be in her real apartment, wherever that is," Hannibal told him.
"Here. She had a small house out at the resort." That got a
nod of understanding. He checked the dates. Then the
others. "Ethan, Montgomery, and Percil. All Janus's high
"Percil was killed in a sudden house fire about six months ago," Dawn
said. Xander looked at her. She nodded. "Montgomery
had a suspicious car accident in the UK when he was going to the
funeral. Ethan's gone into hiding. Even Giles can't find
"I can dream walk. He usually causes a huge spike." He looked at the few that weren't identified. "Any idea?"
"Charles Tangier," Hannibal said. "Chaos mage of Loki's level who
swears to Coyote." Xander groaned and shook his head. "No
idea on where he's hiding or if he's alive. I couldn't find a
tribe he associated with to hand them over either. He's from
"Maybe Ethan will know." He put them carefully down. "Did they miss?"
"No. They brought her back with CPR and put her into a medical
coma in case something happens. Fortiner complained but the
president apparently decided she's a backup plan." Dawn
grimaced. "But she won't be waking up without help."
"That's good to know," Xander said, leaning back. "Hey,
guys." They all waved. He patted his lap. "Anyone want
a cuddle?" They all shook their heads. "Tough." He
picked up Cougar since he was the closest, cuddling him. Even
though the baby huffed at him for it. "You're good at this and
later girls will appreciate this skill." Cougar gave him a dirty
look so he smirked back. "Even if you get all the bitches they
still like men who can cuddle."
"Cuddling has saved him many times," Dawn agreed. "Or else a few
of his dates would've screwed him and then killed him." Frank
moaned. Roque batted at him a few times. "Even worse than it
said he dated, dear. His Xander-lovin' appreciation society has
some people that even you guys would stare in awe at."
"I do sometimes," Xander agreed. Hannibal snickered, nodding he
did too. "So see, cuddles can save your life if your date of the
time is mean."
"I'm glad I don't tend to pick up evil ones," Dawn teased.
"Paulo?" Xander countered.
"He seemed nice."
"He's the senior minion of a very ancient vampire along the lines of
Dracula instead of the Sunnydale style ones," Hannibal said. "Is
he local?" Xander nodded. "Huh." She groaned.
Hannibal and Xander both grinned at her. "That's what you get for
crushing on Xander," Hannibal teased. She kicked at him, making
him laugh. He looked at Xander, who looked exhausted. "Go
nap, kid. I'll help warp your kids." Xander swatted him but
went up to bed. Hannibal looked at the kids. Cougar came
crawling back down the stairs a few minutes later. "Nice moves,
He pulled out his weapons and let the boys see them. "These are
hunter weapons. Get used to 'em." They stared at the short
sword and mini crossbows. Cougar petted the gun. "That fires
wood and silver mixed shots. Someone really genius makes them for
me but they're damned expensive." They nodded when he put one of
them down. "It's jacketed so it'll break into three pieces once it
hits the body."
"She finally figured it out?" Dawn asked, taking it to look at.
"Pretty." She handed it back. "I'm glad she got some mystic
ideas downloaded. I still need her to make me a pretty short
Hannibal smirked. "She's pouting about everything and Xander being a dad."
"Wonderful." She smirked at Frank and Roque. "You guys are
too adorable to pout about." Roque groaned. "Some day
you'll help me find a boyfriend that's kinda like Xander."
Pooch pointed at Frank and grunted.
Hannibal laughed. "I think he's too young. She'll be older
and less flexible then." She kicked him again.
"Uh-huh. If I was less badass I'd try my hand, but I know I'm too
fantastic for you."
She blew a kiss. "You brag too much to have any skills,
Hanni. Guys who brag have nothing to show for it and nothing to
tease you into pouncing." She glanced at his crotch then at him,
smirking harder. "Guys who're that tiny have nothing for
me." She got up and strolled off. "Have the couch.
I've got the bed in the armory."
"Dick tease," he called.
She blew a kiss back. "Hell yes. Remember, I need something
fantastic to ward against blood magic when they break me in."
He snorted, looking at the boys. "Some day someone's going to take
her up on that offer and they'll make her sing a whole different
tune." Jensen patted him with a grin. "I like you too,
Jensen. Geeks make some of the best hunters." He ruffled his
hair. "You guys want a nap? I've got jet lag." He
yawned. They crawled off. Most of them went into the armory
to sit on Dawn's bed and stare at the weapons. Jensen crawled up
into Xander's closet to steal one of his geek t-shirts. Someday
all the geek would be his again.
Danny walked in and paused because there was a crossbow pointed at him
by a man he didn't know. "Xander's date?" he asked dryly.
"If I screwed Xander, he'd be ruined forever," Hannibal said with a smirk. "Who're you?"
"Oh, you're Danno. Cool." He put the crossbow down.
"Xander's snoring at Jensen. Dawn's got the others." He
yawned and flipped over.
Danny stared, shaking his head. He glanced in on Dawn on his way
upstairs. Dawn had pinned down Roque and Frank, the later by her
knee instead of cuddling him. Cougar and Pooch were snoring on her
pillows above her head. He walked up the stairs, finding Jensen
awake and petting a few geek t-shirts he had managed to pull down.
"Some day those'll be yours," he teased, petting his hair back
down. "We'll start getting you some of your own." Jensen
beamed and nodded then pointed. "I know he's napping." He
walked over to check on Xander. He was snoring and comfortably
sprawled. He checked him and Xander swatted at him.
"Okay." He went down to the kitchen. He started something
for the kids to eat. Jensen crawled down after him, t-shirt in his
teeth. Danny smiled and helped him put it on. It looked
like a really long dress but Jensen was happy.
Hannibal wandered in yawning and scratching his stomach. "Does that mean you're feeding us all?"
"I only cook for my cousins." He smirked. "Nice try though."
"I had to since I can't cook." He looked around. "Dawn?" he
called plaintively. "Come feed us? We're pathetic in this
She wandered out and stared at him. "Don't make me turn you into a
puppy." She walked off again, picking up Jensen to cuddle him on
her way back to bed. "That's a cute geek shirt, Jensen."
Hannibal grinned at her back. "Some day she's going to break some guy hard."
Danny nodded. "We're hoping it's a good one."
"Nah, she measures everyone against Xander. The sane, sensible
ones will never make the cut." He looked in the fridge.
"There's no baby food?"
"We make it each meal," Danny said dryly. He looked at
Frank. "You guys look a little thin. Is he forgetting to eat
again?" Frank nodded. "That'll be stopped." He got
them dinner and settled down like Xander did. Xander came down a
while later and sat down, falling asleep against Danny's arm. "Did
the doctor give you a kiddy shot too?" Xander snored.
Hannibal snickered, heading up to the bathroom. He could use a
shower. Hawaii was hot and sticky even with the air conditioning
Danny shook his head, feeding Xander a bite of the mooshed up
vegetables. Xander licked his lips and grimaced but the boys
cheered. "I'll help him remember to eat again," he promised.
He fed them the rest of the vegetables and let them roam again.
Xander was still snoring. So they'd handle it later.
Hannibal came down in a towel and damp. "Don't make wet spots on
"I'm more housetrained than that," he quipped.
"More or less than Xander is, because he's not totally housebroken yet."
"Hopefully more. I wasn't raised by bitches." He went to put
on clothes then came back. Xander got a shove and glared at
him. "You could go back to bed."
"Because you're napping on your cousin and someone's going to say something about incest." He smirked.
"I doubt it," Xander shot back. "Beyond that, bite me."
"You'd taste funny. All the twinkies have chemicals that've infected you for years."
"Bite me anyway," Xander said, grabbing his crotch.
"You know that advice you keep giving me and McGarrett when we fight?" Danny quipped. "Maybe you two should take it."
"He'd be boring in bed," Xander quipped with a smirk for him and the boys.
"I am not. None of my women go stalker or anything but they all at
least sigh in pleasure in remembrance. I don't know what you do
to yours, but they're all scary bitches afterward." Frank cackled,
beaming at Xander. "Yeah, you get it from him," Hannibal assured
him with a grin for the baby.
"They're not all stalkers. Quite a few are more than happy to wait
and see if I'm free whenever we're in the same area, and it was one of
*your* groupies that *you* sent my way that decided to start capping my
Hannibal shrugged. "That's probably why I sent her, Xander. I
can't stand crazy women." He got a bottle of water and looked at
the kids. "Want bottles?" They nodded. Xander got up
with a moan to make some and more dinner. "He fed 'em."
"The babies eat every four hours," Danny said firmly, staring his cousin
down. "And eat with them. You're getting skinny
again. I don't want to have to tell your next few dates to tie you
down like the last few did." Hannibal snickered into a wall.
"They had me eat extra for extra energy then had their happy way on
top," Xander quipped. "It was good for me. I do try to feed
the kids at least three times a day."
"They're too young, it should be every four hours," Danny ordered.
"Thank you. Even if it's just slices of orange they can suck on, without seeds."
"Good boy." Hannibal and Xander both barked. Danny groaned
and shook his head. Frank patted him. "Thanks, kiddo."
He got them down and cleaned them up, letting them crawl off with their
"Think they'll walk soon?" Xander asked.
"Probably within a few months," Danny said.
"Cool. That means potty training soon," Xander said with a happy grin at Hannibal.
"That'll take at least a year because their muscles can't hold things in," Danny warned.
"That too," Hannibal quipped.
"We've got to stock the kitchen," Danny said. "I barely found enough stuff for dinner."
"Not like there's a Sam's Club or a Costco around here," Xander complained.
"Yes there is. There's one in Honolulu and one in Pearl City," Danny shot back.
"Yeah." He smirked. "Including a pharmacy in both."
"Huh." He nodded. "I need a better trunk then."
"Your trust would pay for a pickup," Danny offered. "As a second car."
"Nowhere to park it."
"Good point." Dawn came wandering in and got some water then went
back to bed. "You see the doctor when?" Danny called after
her. She waved a single finger back at him. "Uh-huh."
"She's a dick tease," Hannibal complained to Xander.
"No, you're dense," he countered with a smirk. "Because it's not
everyone who wouldn't freak out at the protections or be strong enough
to deal with something if her blood opened up a portal and summoned
something." Hannibal blinked a few times. "Though I'll kill
you if you hurt her." He smiled sweetly.
"Um.... Yeah, let's not talk about that again." He walked
off shaking his head. "Cougar, how did you get on top of the tv?"
Xander looked out there. "Chair to tv stand to plant to little
part in the back then up," he said. He looked at the baby.
"Not allowed. Want me to get a squirt bottle like I would with a
cat?" Cougar huffed. "You can climb up the bookcases if you
want," he offered with a smirk. Cougar shook his head.
"Pretty soon you can climb the tree out back to pet the kitty,
okay? Be a little boy for now?" He pulled back to look at
Danny. "There's really a Sam's Club out here?"
"There's four Costco's on this island too, one's in Honolulu," Danny said.
"I need to go there."
"Yeah, might help. And you need a chest freezer."
"Yeah, I do." He considered it. "I need to get a bigger than
average check from the trust since everything's so damn expensive out
"Yup, but you can talk to him and arrange that." He patted him on the arm. "It'll be okay."
"I hope." He hugged him. "Thanks."
"Welcome. Remember, babies need protein and calcium, and all those other vitamins. Not just carbs and veggies."
"I know. I've been trying. I made gumbo."
"I heard. Every time we talked, Roque and Pooch were belching for the last week."
Xander grinned. "I made them the non-spicy version."
"Yay." He smirked. "Make stews."
"I can't make regular stews."
"I'm sure they'll have a cookbook and you can sometimes feed them
regular baby food, Xander. It's just already mushed up food."
"I don't think they'd like that."
"Maybe not," he admitted. "But it's handy at times." Xander
nodded, sitting down to make out a list. Danny helped him add to
it. The kids were pestering Hannibal, who was telling them stories
about hunting. Xander rolled his eyes at one, shaking his
head. Danny looked out there. "That really happened?" he
"Didn't Xander ever tell you about her?"
"I had to read his dossier," Danny said dryly. Hannibal snickered. "The demon underground one at that."
"Yeah, they think we're amazing and a few wanted me to date him but I'm not evil." He grinned.
"If you're certain," Dawn called.
Jensen crawled in to cuddle Dawn, making her happy and able to fall back
asleep, then he crawled back out and poked Hannibal until he got poked
back and another story was started.
Xander shook his head, but he was smiling so that was the important thing. Danny was too.
Steve showed up the next morning, getting the same crossbow pointed at
him but Cougar had made it out of bed and was patting the door before
Steve opened it. "Morning, Cougar. Who's that?"
Hannibal blinked at him. "Let me guess, you're Xander's new boyfriend?"
"Danno's coworker and boss. Not really boyfriend material."
"Pity. Xander could use a good, long fucking to calm down the
nightmares. Cougar, let the nice man in. Maybe he'll talk
someone who can cook into feeding you."
Steve snorted. "Of course I can make oatmeal," he told the baby, who grinned at him. "Who're you?"
"Okay, at least I've heard something about you." Mostly not to let
him and Xander go hunting together, especially not if they were
drunk. The story about the three Hell Goddesses that had wanted
them when they had been hunting together was funny to hear but he was
sure it was nerve destroying being in it. He walked back to the
kitchen to start microwaving oatmeal. "Is anyone else up?" he
asked the baby, who nodded. "Are they hiding in bed?" Cougar
nodded again. Steve went up to grab the kids, finding Danny
changing them. "Xander still asleep?" he asked quietly.
"Xander's out for a morning run. I told him to go since he kept me
up all night with nightmares." He finished changing Pooch and put
him down. "Crawl for the stairs. I heard the microwave
beep." He did that. Frank followed. Roque followed
once Steve finished putting clothes on him again. Danny looked
"Carlos, do you need changed?" he called. He heard a quiet cackle
and got Jensen changed. "What did you eat?" he asked him, earning
another cackle. He carried him down the stairs and looked at
Cougar, taking him up to change him since his diaper was hanging *real*
low this morning. "If you had come poked me I would've changed
you." Cougar shrugged. "I know, no guy likes having another
guy wipe his ass with a cold cloth, but sometimes it's gotta
happen." He got him dressed and downstairs too. Steve was
looking at the list on the table. "I told Xander we do have a
Costco and a Sam's Club."
"Is he building a walk-in freezer?"
"Chest one I think."
"Wonderful." He put it aside and finished putting everyone into
the high chairs while Danny made oatmeal. "Nightmares?" he asked
"Lots and lots," Danny agreed. Hannibal came in yawning. "Still not cooking for you."
"That's fine." He got some milk and poured it into a glass, added a
raw egg, some pepper, and gulped it with a grimace. "It works for
long nights too." He put the glass into the sink and went to
check on Dawn. "You gonna sleep all day?" She moaned and
flipped over. He checked, slight fever. "Crap. Are you
having a relapse?"
Danny walked in to check her temperature. "Xander had a slight fever and nightmares all night," he said quietly.
"Chuck me," Hannibal muttered, going to find some tape and a pen.
He drew out protections on the tape and put it around the bed, making
her fall back into a more restful sleep. Xander came in finally
and he stared at him. "Did you forget the primary lesson of
hunting?" he demanded.
"Hawaii has protections and Dawn put up wards," Xander defended.
"Her not sleeping right was cured with rune ones," Hannibal said, handing the tape and marker.
"Crap, who now?" he complained, going to do his own room then the boys'
rooms. "If anyone else has nightmares like she's getting, let me
know and I'll do more wards on the house."
"We can find some cheap paint," Hannibal quipped with a smirk for the younger hunter.
"Cheap paint will come off in the humidity. I did some when they put on the new roof. It should've held."
Hannibal grimaced. "I used the ones against mental magic."
Xander went to look and groaned. "Fucking bitch!" he called to the
ceiling. "I'm coming back there!" Suddenly, Dawn was
sleeping like a baby, cooing even. He grinned at the
ceiling. "Are you sure that's your final answer?" It went
back to normal Dawn sleeping. He strolled out and grinned at
"Huh?" Steve asked.
"Don't ask," Hannibal said with a shudder.
"He's a higher demon," Xander told him. "He'd seriously love
to screw with the hunters so we're forced into a tighter boundary,
mostly by trying to tie the community together with
relationships." Danny nodded slowly. "That would mean team
hunting instead of individuals, which is safer for us, but cuts the
overall spread of them."
"And it would cut even more down because he has plans for selective kids
since the kids of hunters tend to have either some sort of demon taint
after something their parents got into, some sort of gifts for the same
"Some sort of curse for about the same reason," Xander finished, shaking
his head. "I already know that if I ever have any girls, they'd
probably be called slayers. Which is why I begged a demon in
Africa to make sure I can't have girls. I can't face that."
Hannibal patted him on the back. "So you only half work?" he taunted with a smirk.
"No, I still don't shoot working sperm. It's extra insurance on top of the mermaid taint."
Hannibal snickered, shaking his head. "That figures.
Xander's got that probability generator nature of his. One of his
kids is going to be a high priest to someone sometime. And I don't
mean the boys either. Though...."
"No," Xander said, shaking his head. "If they want that, they can figure it out on their own."
"That's always the best way," Danny said, sounding a bit tired. "What happens if one of them wins that argument?"
"Then there's a next generation of hunters, though some of us won't or can't have kids," Hannibal said.
"A few hunters have watered the lawn of humanity more than once," Xander
said dryly. "I've run into about seven of John Percy's kids."
"Most of them you can tell, they have his nose and chin so they look
like those Punch and Judy dolls," Hannibal agreed. "One of the
older daughters hit on me." Xander patted him on the arm.
His phone rang so he grabbed it and turned it on speaker. "What's
up, Beauteous one?"
Buffy's voice came from the speaker. "How would you like to permanently guard Dawn?" she asked.
"Um.... she's cute and all but young, wants to finish a college degree,
and I've still got plenty of suckhead butt to kick the ass of," he
"There's a major chaos person here looking for her."
"Is it Charles Tangier?" Xander asked.
Buffy groaned. "Is she all right?"
"She's napping. We had a demon who decided to give nightmares last night."
"Okay, why?" she asked.
"The one who wants all the hunters to get married and screw," Xander said bluntly.
"Oh, it. I can ask," she huffed. "Are you Charles Tangier?"
"Yes," he said patiently with a slight French accent. "Did the demon DeSortres hit here as well?"
"It's apocalypse season, she won't sleep until it's over," Xander
said. "I do have your journal that Willow stole. I'm nowhere
"I would like it back and kept from any other chaos people," the man
said. "Especially the ones who like you, Mr. Harris. I doubt
Miss Beldane would like you having them."
"Considering Willow killed Loki, that's not really a problem," Xander
said quietly. "We weren't sure she hadn't gotten you as well."
The man moaned. "Oh, God."
"Basically," Hannibal said. "It's mostly protected out here."
"Yes, I can't get into Hawaii either," he agreed. "Can we have it shipped?"
"No, I'd consider that dangerous," Xander said. "It could be
interrupted. It could be magically stolen. I'll keep it safe
until we can find some way to give it to you directly. That way I
make sure it gets to you and no one else."
"I appreciate that," he said, sounding like he was smiling. "Do you have any others?"
"I talked to Ethan via dream walk."
"That's good. The other of Janus' high priests?"
"I'd only give those to their families or to Ethan."
"Agreeable. It's nice that you do have ethics."
"Dealing with artifacts is different than a battle," Xander reminded him.
"Even better. All right, we'll figure it out. I'll be in
contact with you later, Mr. Harris. Have a good day with the
boys." He hung up.
Hannibal shut his phone and put it onto the counter. "I barely
flipped through his. I didn't see any apocalypse plans."
"I didn't either but it's not right since it's their property and it
should go to their families." Hannibal nodded that was true.
"All right." He looked around. "Enough mushiness."
Hannibal snorted, getting up to make some coffee. "That's up above
Steve looked at Xander. "You need to eat too."
"Now," Danny ordered. Xander huffed but did get food down to make
himself something. And Hannibal because he was nice like
that. Jensen came over to steal from his plate. Danny made
them all a huge bowl of eggs, letting them inhale some of it.
"I've been laying out fruit and kid crackers for them to do drive-by nibbling on," Xander said.
"Like you do for cats, leave out food all day and they'll eat when
they're hungry?" Steve asked. Xander grinned and nodded. He
looked at the boys. "Does that work for you?" They all
nodded with a grin. "Okay."
"The kids eat more fruit than some vegan witches," Hannibal quipped.
"I'm going to Costco later," Xander offered. "Want to help?"
He smirked. "That way someone like the daycare can babysit?
They say socialization is important to make kids more normal."
"I think they'd probably still be badass little future hunters,"
Hannibal said dryly, sipping his coffee. "But sure, I can help you
buy hamburger and chips."
"Thanks. Let me find the place to buy the chest freezer from
first." Hannibal shuddered. "They eat more than teenage
"Your poor wallet," Hannibal teased.
Xander swatted him. "I heard Buffy wished a trio of girly little girls on you some year."
"If so, I'll introduce them to your boys. They could do worse than
your boys. Maybe it'd make them more sane and like pink camo less
"Maybe," Xander agreed, smirking a tiny bit. "Giles is setting up
an emergency shelter for the underage slayers and the most
"Oooh," Hannibal said, considering it. "Who's he going to get to work with the girls since you're retired?"
"He wasn't. One of the senior girls from Africa is going to be herd mommy."
"*SO* not going to work," Hannibal said dryly. "I'll talk to Giles
later. I could use some warm, pretty areas to retire to."
"Do you have arms dealer contacts like he does?" Steve asked
dryly. "If so, I want to know before they show up." Xander
shrugged and sipped some of his coffee.
"No, I don't, or presidential permission to hoard artillery," Hannibal
said with a smirk. "Though I'll ask him for it if I run into
him. I know I need to be in New York."
"Someone needs to watch LA," Xander pointed out.
"Yeah but the girls need backed up and Connor has LA," Hannibal countered.
"Connor's already in New York and LA's bursting out at the seams," Xander said, staring at him.
"Yup," Steve agreed.
"Spike, Connor, and Gunn are all in New York already. So are most
of the slayers. They left behind a skeleton, not fully trained
crew in Cleveland."
Hannibal shook his head with a moan. "Damn it."
"Uptight boss guy, can you send some of the cranky military sort to LA and Cleveland to back then up?" Hannibal asked.
Steve glared at him. "I'm not uptight."
Xander grinned at Hannibal. "I offered him a succuba."
"Succuba can be fun," Hannibal said with a smirk. "I still ache a
bit from the last one I danced with throwing out my back." He
shook his head. "Are there military guys in Cleveland?"
"Yes," Steve said. "And most of them are presently still
there. They've sent some that are on active duty to New York and
LA," he told Xander. "They got there yesterday."
"And promptly got taken hostage," Xander said dryly. "I had a nice
vision about that and called Connor, who huffed but called the demon
bar to make them let the guys go."
Steve shook his head with a moan. "I'll check on them." He
walked out back to do that, looking up at the cat in the tree.
"You want some food, cat?" It howled and got comfortable.
Steve reached up to pet it's side but it batted at him so he quit.
"Sure, you're mostly friendly and want to sniff. Sir,
McGarrett. Are the teams that went to LA free yet?" He
listened. "Harris. Vision. Yes, sir." He rubbed
his forehead. "That's fine, sir. Thank you." He hung
up. "They're free, Xander, and a bit cranky."
"It's not my fault the vampire dodgeball and roller derby teams for LA
took them hostage," Xander called from the kitchen. Hannibal burst
Steve looked up at the cat. "At least you're not insane." He
went back inside. "They added another two teams, just in
case." He looked at his partner. "Work?"
"Yup." He looked at Xander.
"I promise I'm hitting the store once I've installed the freezer."
Danny grinned and patted all the kids on the head before going to work
"Think they're going at it like rabid weasels?" Hannibal asked.
"Nah, Danny swears up and down they're not and if they were, do you really think McGarrett could be that uptight?"
"Not if it was good." He finished his coffee and made another cup. "How are you doing a freezer?"
"I'm installing the freezer hardware in the storage area." He
pointed. Hannibal looked out the back door and nodded at the
concrete block storage area. It wasn't huge but a good enough
size. "I'm replacing the door too." He called his trust guy
to talk to him about that. He agreed it was a good use and told
him where the two stores were plus where the hardware store was.
He and Hannibal dropped the boys at daycare on the way to the hardware
store. It wasn't that hard to install a freezer compressor and a
new door. Then they went grocery shopping. It was nice not
to fight Pooch stealing grapes and Jensen trying to steal candy.
By the time they got back, the freezer was nicely getting cold.
Though they had gotten enough food to cook tonight for the rest of the
week. That way the boys wouldn't run out.
Dawn wandered out that night, blinking at the food on the table. "Are we eating all this?"
"No. We're putting some up for later this week," Xander
said. "You have a plate in the fridge." She got it and gave
him a one-armed hug on her way to the microwave. "Can you check on
the boys? They're being very quiet."
She looked out in the living room. "Jensen pulled down one of your
hentai mags." Xander rolled his eyes and went to put those up
higher. He gave the boys a _Guns 'n Ammo_ instead. Frank was
giving him strange looks. Xander grinned. Dawn came out and
flopped down in the chair. "Xander likes anime. The girls
don't have STD's and even the dangerous ones are all pretty." She
leaned down to pat him on the head. "Just think, if Jensen was
from this realm, he could be dating Xander."
Jensen beamed at her. Frank shook his head and crawled off to bang
into a wall a few times. Dawn snickered but nibbled on her
left-over steak bits. Jensen looked. "Xander has a whole
table full of food, Jensen." They crawled that way. Xander
put them into their high chairs and gave them enough stuff to nibble on
that they were happy boys. Dawn settled in to eat hers, kicking
the edge of the couch to wake Hannibal up. "Are you catching my
"I hope not. I'd look sucky as an underweight girl." He went into the kitchen. "Damn."
Xander smirked. "Half the roast and anything on the table is able
to be eaten tonight or put into the fridge. The rest goes in the
freezer. I've already moved all the stuff that I'm not using this
week out there." Hannibal nodded, settling in to make himself a
mega plate of food. He was nice enough to give the boys more
chicken too. They liked that apparently because they were inhaling
it, even if Pooch was belching. Xander handed over bottles of
regular milk and they liked that too they guessed. They were
inhaling it at the same speed. When they were all full, Xander
cleaned them up and put them back onto the floor. They crawled off
to sleep off their full stomachs. Dawn was nicely napping on the
couch so it was good for them. Even if they did have to avoid
being pinned or cuddled.
Hannibal watched them settle themselves in then nudged Xander and nodded with a grin.
Xander looked out there. Jensen was on Dawn's side, head on her
breast. Cougar was around her head. Pooch and Clay were on
the back of the couch and Roque had the end of her couch by her ankles
so she couldn't kick him but he had dragged a pillow over for
himself. Xander snuck out and took a few pictures then put the
camera next to the computer so he could finish things. The nice,
pretty dishwasher was nicely full tonight. Hannibal handed Xander
his refilled plate with a scowl and turned on the dishwasher on his way
to the bathroom. Xander shrugged and ate. He had nibbled
while cooking but he was a bit hungry.
One of the neighbors leaned over the fence in the backyard the next
day. "Xander, why is your storage building making noise?" she
"I put in a freezer set." He grinned. "The boys eat *tons*."
She smiled. "All kids do."
"Last night they destroyed half a roast and two smaller chickens I
baked." Her mouth flopped open. "They eat *tons*. They
work it all off, but they inhaled a good bit of food last night."
"Must be a growth spurt. So that's your new freezer?" He
grinned and nodded. "Interesting. Is it going to stand up to
hurricanes and things?"
"It should. It's concrete. We anchored it when it was put in
originally as a storage area. The electrical all runs inside
through the reinforced walls."
"Good thinking." She smiled and waved at the boys. "You guys
are adorable today." They smirked back. "Is that one guy
who's visiting your boyfriend?"
"No, that's Hannibal. He's another hunter. I'm giving Dawn a
space to heal since she nearly got killed and he was bringing me some
information and taking a short break before the battle coming up in New
Hannibal leaned out with a grin. "I'm not near deadly enough for
Xander even if I am a badass hunter." He went back into the
kitchen. "Did you buy more than one pack of english muffins,
"Yeah. They're in the pantry."
Xander looked at her again, grinning some. "He's been telling the boys stories about being a hunter."
"I suppose that's good with what you used to do." She smiled at
the man walking around the house. "Let me go check on my own
dinner. I have to defrost some goat."
"I know a great pit goat recipe," Xander said.
"I might borrow it sometime." She smiled and left them to talk.
Xander looked over. "Hey, Stephen. What's up?"
"The trust for the boys is all set up with the same person who does
yours." He squatted down next to where Xander was sitting on the
ground helping the boys play with cars in the mud. "Loki's asset
lists were given to the judge, who wasn't sure why you were named in the
will since you're not related."
"Because her relatives were bitches."
"He's heard that." He patted Jensen on the head. "If you
bury it, you can use your rescue team." Jensen grinned and pointed
at Cougar, who had that set. "I'm sure he's excellent at
rescuing." Xander smirked at him. He stood up.
"There's two new cocky arms dealers who said you're not good enough to
take their things."
"Are they the ones I got yesterday?"
"I have not heard," Stephen admitted, calling a contact to check on
that. He hung up. "One was, the other was Ordler's things."
"Oops. I'll apologize but the girls needed it."
"He figured they did." He patted Xander on the head. "The other one?"
"I'll get later." He smirked. Stephen walked off
happier. He looked at the boys. "That means Dawn can babysit
while I'm off making some arms dealers unhappy, right?" They
scowled at him. He smirked back. "The Council could use more
weapons, guys." His phone beeped with a text message. "No, I
won't leave you the new people's weapons," he complained, typing that
back. He got another one ordering him to turn them over because
those people were annoying Steve. He sent back one saying that
they had already lost most of their weapons and that the other one was
still full of pretty things. He'd like the pretty things more and
then Steve could have those weapons. He put his phone back and
drew out plans with the boys watching over it and pointing to make
suggestions. It did help a lot with one area he wasn't sure about.
Danny walked into the kitchen after work that night, looking around. "Did we miss dinner for the boys?"
Dawn came down the stairs toweling her hair. "No, you're just here
awfully late," she quipped. He looked then blushed and looked
away. She hit him on the arm. "Babyman." She
pointed. "The boys had beef for dinner and some smooshed
veggies." She went to let whoever was knocking in. "Hi,
"Dawn," he said, not staring at her fairly short long-t-shirt. "Xander and the boys?"
"Boys are down. Xander's.... off doing Xander things. I'm hellion sitting tonight."
"It's only eight," he said, checking his watch.
She pointed at the clock. "It's nearly ten," she said dryly.
"Steve worked you too hard if you forgot how to tell time." He
grinned at her. Hannibal came up the porch stairs and gave her an
odd look. "This is Detective Chin Ho Kelly, Hanni. Detective
Chin, this is Hannibal, he's another hunter. Who clearly needs
the aloe gel in the fridge since he has a sunburn." She went to
get it for him. Then she went to put on shorts since everyone was
giving her strange looks for being in jammies.
Hannibal put the cold gel on his face. "I still say she's a dick
tease," he noted, sitting on the couch. "The future hunters down?"
"Yup," she said, coming back out to flop down. "So why the visit?"
"Steve really wanted to help Xander bust the new weapons people," Chin said with a smile.
"Too late," Hannibal complained. "I didn't even get anything pretty from the raid."
Dawn looked at him. "Since when does Xander give you boyfriend presents?"
He swatted her. "Not what I meant and you know it."
She smirked. "What's wrong? Is the big hunter babyman cranky?" she cooed.
He nodded. "All the easy girls in the bars were underage." She cackled, swatting him again.
"Yeah, they're like that," Danny told Chin, who just nodded. "I
know Xander raided Costco. Where did he put the chest
freezer? I was going to see how much room he had since Rachel
wants to go vegan for a few weeks and has a freezer full of meat stuff."
"He's using the storage thing out back," Hannibal said with a
grin. "It's really easy to put in a freezer compressor and a new
Danny nodded, going to look. "Yeah, I think Rachel can stuff it in
there," he decided as he came back in. "Tell him she'll bring it
"Sure," Dawn agreed, smiling at him. "I'll be here even if Xander is off doing Xander things and a doctor's appointment."
"Cool." He patted her on the head. "You look like you're feeling better."
"Slightly. Still exhausted most of the time though."
"You'll get better," Danny promised. She nodded she would.
"Good girl. Need anything tonight beyond Steve nagging Xander
about the weapons?"
"He might be on a date," Hannibal said. "Clora called him up earlier while he was raiding the weapons."
"Do I know her?" Danny asked.
"None of us know her," Dawn said. "She's something from
Amsterdam. We're not sure what bad girl field she's in. She
heard about him moving out here after the Queen's announcement when he
was talking to a slayer at the news people."
"Any head's up on where the baby slayer compound is going yet?" Danny asked.
"Kauai somewhere," Dawn said, waving a hand.
"That's good to know. Not a lot of cities there though."
"I think he's probably going to have them doing some gardening," Dawn
admitted. "No clue otherwise. I was going to print them off a
list of where the Wal-Marts, Costco's, and Sam's Clubs were."
"Then he wants to look near Lihue," Chin said. "That's where the only bigger stores are on Kauai."
She nodded, calling Giles. "I'm talking to a detective here in
Hawaii and he said if you're putting the retreat here, put it near
"Yes. Only one on that island. It also has a bus system for
that county. A few decent schools, including a fairly well known
private one," Chin said. "Steady temps through most of the year in
the high seventies to mid eighties." She repeated that. "A
lot of rain sometimes though."
She repeated that and smiled. "Worse than London or Seattle?"
"Not from what I've seen online but I've never been," he said with a smile.
"Giles, he said he's never been but not according to what he's seen
online." She listened. "Yes, good growing.
Schools. Wal-Mart so they can shop."
"The only mall on the island," Chin said.
"He said that's where the only mall is. I know, Buffy would feel
deprived but she's not coming." She smiled. "That's what
it's called, yes. Great. Let us know." He hung up
muttering something about adjusting his search with the realtor.
"Thanks. He'll call the realtor he's looking through."
"That's fine." He patted her foot. "When are you going to be better and enrolling in college?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. How far will I have to move?"
"That depends on what you're studying. We have three major
universities, all linked, and some community colleges," Danny said.
"Mostly I'm a language nerd. I learned so I could help with the research."
"That probably means Manoa," Chin said. "Biggest and oldest university we have. It's here in Honolulu."
"So nearby," she said. "I guess I can go talk to them in a few days." She yawned. "When I'm a bit more tough."
Chin smiled at her. "They're generally nice people. Do you
just read or speak it? I know they have a concentration in the
She shrugged. "I know Japanese enough to read it but I suck at
speaking it. I learned because I had keeping duty of Xander's
anime and Andrew said they were feeling lonely. He taught me," she
said in really badly accented Japanese. "Though in Latin I'm
great," she admitted in English. "I know enough French to pass it
He smiled. "Take your transcripts and go talk to them. They
can help you find something. Maybe you can take general language
She nodded. "I might, yeah. Thanks, Chin."
"You're welcome, Dawn." He stood up. "Let us head home. I swear I haven't seen my bed in days."
"Me either," Danny said, patting Dawn on the head. "Call if you need stuff."
She smiled. "It's great that Xander has nice, fussy relatives."
He smirked. "I've cut back my nagging some." She smirked at him. He left with Chin.
She yawned, turning on the tv. "I wonder if Xander's going to end
up getting into a fight with this date," she said. "I know he said
she does things that he doesn't like." She snuggled into her spot
since it was comfortable.
"Probably," Hannibal said. "I think it's insane that they're drawn
to him." He looked over at the snore, picking her up to carry her
to bed. Her bed was too tiny for him to sleep on so he'd do the
macho thing and be a prince among hunters.
Xander wobbled in the next morning. Hannibal stared at him then
got an ice pack out and held it up. "Bad date?" Hannibal asked
with an evil look.
"Yeah, when she tried to introduce me to her people moving
friends. So I'm sure my cousin and his partner are swearing at me
too." He took it to put on the black eye. He sighed.
"I told her I wasn't going to deal with things last night. She
thought I was kidding. She knew I hated people smugglers
too." Hannibal walked off snickering. "Are the boys in bed?"
"Yes. They won't get up for me."
Xander went up there, finding them all staring at him. "Morning,
guys. Let's change the dirty, nasty diapers, get a bath, and then
breakfast." Jensen cheered. Frank grunted and pointed.
"She thought I was going to be nicer when I found out she was a people
smuggler." He rolled his eyes. "She and her friends she
introduced me to were *real* wrong. But I only left Steve and
Danno some paperwork." He got him changed first and put him down
on the floor. "Bathroom and only the bathroom. I didn't give
you guys a bath yesterday." Frank huffed but crawled that
way. He did the same with Pooch, then Cougar, then Roque.
Then Jensen because he had to carry him in there.
By then, Pooch had started the water and was letting it run down the
drain since none of them could put in the drain plug properly yet.
He put it into place, stuck Jensen in the tub, then heaved the rest of
them into place. The ice pack went on the sink and they all got a
good scrubbing. Even Jensen's butt because he decided to stick it
up in the air and let out a loud, nasty fart. Xander swatted him
gently and cleaned it for him then got him out. He cackled as he
crawled off. "Dawn's still sleeping, Jensen."
"Poo!" Jensen called.
Xander went to clean up the new mess he was making. Not like he
could control it. Then he got cleaned up and diapered.
Xander looked at him. "Do I need to put Jensen kitty boxes around
Xander patted him on the head. "Let me know. Hannibal might
like them too." He let him crawl and giggle his way down the
stairs to go pounce Hannibal. The others got pulled out, dressed,
and then heaved down the stairs. Xander went back up for the ice
pack, sticking it back in the freezer. He went back up to get the
laundry. "Why did I go with a two-story house?" he asked
Roque. Who shrugged.
"You don't have enough yard to put it all on one level," Hannibal said,
bringing Jensen back. "He's turning into a cannibal."
Xander put him into his hair chair and moved to fix breakfast. The
boys were amazed at fruit smoothies and mashed bananas with softened
granola. They adored it and then they got down to start their day
by watching for the cat to maul the mailman again. Xander and
Hannibal shared a look and Xander shook his head, cleaning up the
morning mess. He made himself and Hannibal breakfast - Hannibal
couldn't cook so it was a mercy to keep him from wasting away.
Xander looked out at the sound of the knock, sighing on his way to the door. "Yes, Officer?"
"Sir, you turned in a few people who smuggled illegals?" he asked.
"I told her I didn't want to know what she did," Xander said
dryly. "She introduced me to them and her business model. I
felt I had to protest." He shrugged.
"We were told you were part of the underground," the officer said.
"No, I'm retired Council and I got them a lot of their weapons. I
know a great many weapons people," he said with a grin. "Sorry."
"No, that's actually a better thing. There's a gang thing going on
and they all complained that you were going to stomp them."
Xander pointed at the kids. "No wonder you weren't there.
Xander snickered. "I'll get 'em later, when the boys are napping."
"I'll let them know." He smiled and walked off to report that to his boss, who corrected some of them.
Xander shut the door and went back to the kitchen shaking his head.
Hannibal was cackling. "I'm finding you a succuba instead."
"Gee, thanks," Xander shot back. "Really."
Jensen looked at Hannibal, poking him until the hunter stared at him. He shook his head. "No."
"No what, Jensen?"
"No ba! Bad!"
"Not if you don't feed 'em. Sometimes they like to play games." He grinned.
Jensen shook his head. "No, bad!"
Xander came out to hug him. "I won't be bad and feed succuba, Jensen. Calm down."
Jensen poked him. "No! No ba!"
"You'd rather I set him up with an incubus?" Hannibal teased with a grin.
Jensen nodded. So did Frank and the others.
Xander hit Hannibal on the arm before he could say anything about his
boys wanting him to be gay. "Remember, Hai adopted you guys
because he wanted to marry me too." He put Jensen back down and
went back to finish the dishes.
Hannibal stood up and stretched. "Let me go find a spot on the
beach for another day of appreciating the staring at my muscles."
He smirked and left, going to the tourist beach that wasn't that far
away. It was a pretty day for bikini watching.
Xander looked out at them. "Behave and we'll go play in the park later."
Jensen spotted Xander's phone and pulled it down to look at. It
was a Blackberry-style phone with an exposed keyboard. He tried to
pat it. The big menu button worked but not the individual
keys. He grunted quietly, scowling at his hands because they
weren't strong enough to push the buttons. Roque held up a
crayon. Jensen shook his head, it was too wide for the keys.
Xander had bought them the big crayons. He found a pencil and
held it. He stabbed the right buttons to get into the text message
system, sending it to all his contacts. //Plzx martry our
fathjer? Before he datesa more bad peoplew? Plz?//
Jensen hit the send key and smiled. He had gotten a few accidental
key hits but the point was gotten. He tossed the pencil back onto
the table and crawled over to help Roque color battle plans. He
was really good at it.
Xander heard his phone beep and went out to get it. He hit the
button and scowled at Jensen. "You're so grounded. All week
long." He walked off sending everyone a message apologizing for
his demented son's mind and saying he was grounded. He added that
Hannibal had suggested a succuba, which was what had set Jensen off.
Steve looked at his phone, blinking a few times. The next message
came in before he was done frowning at it and he relaxed. "Danno,
your nephews are mentally screwed up already."
Danno nodded, putting his phone back in his pocket. "Just a
bit. Though it's nice they don't want Xander to date a succuba
"I'm wondering how Jensen texted," Chin said.
"He still has his old memories so he probably used something to hit the keys for him," Steve said, shaking his head quickly.
"The kids are going to be wonderful to hopefully take our place some year," Kono said with a smile.
"No, they have to be more sane than Xander to do that," Steve said, cracking Danny up.
The governor of Hawaii looked at her incoming messages, looking very
confused. Then the second one came in and she nodded. "He
needs to learn how to keep things away from the kids. I'll have
someone send him something on how to babyproof the house." She
sent her assistant an email about that. It could only help.
In Africa, a middle-aged arms dealer started to throw a fit. How
dare someone suggest that Xander was going to date a succuba instead of
him! That would not do! He would have to correct both that
*hunter* and that child! He stormed off to see if he could get a
flight to Hawaii. Clearly Xander needed to be reminded he was
Stephen, Hai's assistant, smiled at the message, sharing it around the
bar he was in. "Jensen is an adorable child." They all
smiled and nodded. They agreed, someone nice needed to date Xander
soon. Stephen went back to his plans to protect Xander.
They might need to step up their protection since this would undoubtedly
bring someone who wanted to date Xander to Hawaii.
Buffy looked at her phone, scowling. "Xander's already warped
those boys too far. We shouldn't have let him adopt them, Giles."
"I'm sure they're like that from their last lives," he said patiently,
reading the message. "He's a bit young to type but not horrible at
it," he said dryly. The new one came in and he smiled.
"See, there. It's Hannibal's fault, not Xander's."
"He's not much better! He's like Xander light!" She stomped
off to complain to the girls that Xander had trained. A few
decided to worry about some of the ones that wanted Xander showing up in
Hawaii. Which bothered Buffy. Xander had dated while
training her slayers? Who had he found in Africa?
Deep in DC, in the bowels of the FBI building, a computer started to
chant an alarm. Someone rolled over to get the alarm shut
up. He stared at the information. "What in the fuck?" he
demanded. He called his boss. "There's a lot of people we
don't want in the rest of the world leaving Africa. I'm not sure
if there's an arms dealer convention or something," he said
sarcastically when his boss asked why that was necessarily a bad
thing. His boss groaned and came down to see the system
alerts. They sent them to Immigration and Customs. They
could turn them away or have them arrested when they tried to enter the
US. "Why Hawaii?" the lesser agent asked.
"No idea." He walked off to tell his boss.
The president called McGarrett's phone number. He didn't have
Xander's and Xander gave him a headache anyway so he'd ask the one who
was supposed to be watching over the kid. Since he had a very
confused head of the FBI in his office to tell him that there were
problems out there, he might as well make sure it wasn't an apocalypse
in the making. "Lieutenant Commander."
"Sir," he said, sounding pissed off. "What's happened? Am I being recalled?"
"No. I just got news that the FBI intercepted travel plans for a
few arms dealers heading your way. Would you know why?"
McGarrett groaned, which gave him an idea. Now he knew it was
Xander's fault instead of just assuming. That sort of groan was
only caused by the Council people, usually by Xander. "Sir,
earlier one of Harris' sons texted his whole contact list to please find
someone nice to date his father because Hannibal, a hunter out here
visiting, suggested a succuba. Xander did apologize for his
"Ah." The president smiled. "We'd all like Harris to date someone nice."
"Sir, with all respect, we thought his one last night might be nice and she ended up being a smuggler of illegals."
"I'm starting to think that the pretty chaos mage would be a good choice after all," the president sighed.
"If you're talking about Miss Beldane, she was killed by Rosenburg, sir."
"I had." He huffed. "If I find anyone who's retired from being dangerous, I'll send them your way."
"As long as they're not going to harm Hawaii, sir," McGarrett said. He sounded like he was having a headache.
"I'll make sure of that. Tell the boy to calm down and just spank
the little beast. It worked on mine when she was hitting on people
for me to flirt with. Have an easy day, Lieutenant
Commander." He hung up.
Steve hung up and looked around then at his partner. "Got any advil?"
"Glove box. I keep the huge bottle for the migraines you give me," he quipped back.
"The president is going to suggest to any retired dangerous people that
they might like to hit on Xander." He took two and put the bottle
"Sure," Danny said, shaking his head as he walked off. "Any other good news?"
"The FBI intercepted travel plans from some of his past dates," Steve said dryly. "He suggested Xander spank Jensen."
"Could help," Kono said. "Like the arms dealers he used to
date?" Steve nodded. "At least the FBI caught them."
"How many didn't they catch?" Steve countered.
"Hey, more work for us," Chin said sarcastically. "But better for
the world anyway." He texted that to Xander, who sent back that
Jensen was still grounded and he didn't believe in spanking. But
that he'd let Jensen come help him hack them if he wanted. "No, I
don't want to help Jensen hack," he complained.
Danno laughed. "That's a generous offer." He walked off in
the other direction. His cousin really could use a good
date. Soon. Maybe the boys having a second parent would be
good for them. Though, not Hannibal. He was a bit too wild.
Steve shook his head. "We're all going to go insane."
"Too late," Chin taunted.
Steve glared at him. "Not hardly." He stomped off to finish off the bust they were closing. His poor islands.
Hannibal looked at his phone, grimacing. "What does Mistress Buffy
of the see-through pants want?" he muttered, reading the text
message. He snorted and sent one back then put his phone back into
his pocket. Someday Buffy would grow up and see that she dated
just like Xander did, only hers were usually people eaters instead of
helpful arms dealers. At least Xander could use his when things
went bad. He flirted with the pretty girl near him, making her
snicker and turn away.
Xander answered his phone with a sigh, putting it back on speaker. "I'm making meatballs."
"Why?" Buffy asked. "The boys can't eat those."
"They're soft, yes they can. They love mine."
"Mom's weren't soft."
"I cook mine in the crock pot and I use half sausage, half hamburger."
"Oh, that sounds different. Okay, whatever. Don't you think maybe you should quit dating totally?"
Xander looked at the phone. "At least my dates can be useful
during emergencies. Is your last stakeable boyfriend any good at
anything now that he's dust?"
"Excuse me?" she demanded.
Xander snorted. "I heard about the six boyfriends from the other
slayers," he said dryly. "Including how Faith had to get a few of
them for you when they tried to run out of the house."
"Whatever," she complained. "We're not talking about my dates, we're talking about yours."
"If it wasn't for *mine* you wouldn't have any weapons."
"Or any other things that might be helpful in battles. And hey, I
trust mine not to hurt the boys, unlike yours. And Dawn.
Mine all *adore* Dawn being my sister."
"Hey," she complained weakly.
Xander smirked at the phone. "You know, this meatball mix is a lot
like your boyfriend's insides when I get hold of the next one for
trying to eat one of my slayers."
"Um... okay," she said. "They won't."
"Isn't that why Faith got them?"
"Maybe," she said. "Still not the point. Off the topic totally, Xander. Yours are dangerous."
"Mine don't eat people, like most of yours have. Or kill with great glee and fun."
"Are you certain?"
"There was that one but Cordelia didn't enjoy making people kill themselves as much as it seemed."
"Yeah, sure. About that succuba idea?" she started.
"That was Hannibal's idea. Though they can be fun and do have a
use wearing out the hellmouth taint when it pops up. It's kept
people from knowing I was so tainted by the hellmouth for years."
He went back to mixing, even though Cougar was giving him a really funny
look. He grinned at the baby and winked. "You should see if
an incubus can cure the thing that draws dangerous, sucking fiends to
your panties. It could help you get more sane people for a change,
even ones you couldn't stake when they get annoying and don't want you
to go patrol."
"Yuck. Mental images I do not need, Xander."
"Well, it's about time for the pre-apocalypse sex to happen," Xander
said dryly. "Since there's no neck sucking bitches where you are
right now, if the girls were efficient and I'm sure they were, then you
have to have happy thoughts to relieve the stress."
"No I don't."
"It helps a lot when you do, then you don't have so many injuries or
back cramps during the battle. It did during the last one."
"Whatever!" she said, hanging up.
Xander smirked at his phone. "Then next time don't date vamps, Buffy."
Cougar shook his head. Clearly Buffy needed Jensen's help
too. He went to tell him that. Dawn had a phone that they
could find and use. Maybe someone knew of someone nice for the
poor, deluded slayer.
Xander looked at his phone. "That adds another week of grounding,"
he yelled. "No park or anything, Jensen. Including
dessert." His hands were too dirty to text out a 'sorry for
Jensen' message this time. He winced when he got one from
Buffy. He scraped off his hands and washed them, going to get
Dawn's phone from them and text out an apology from Jensen. Then
Dawn's phone went up somewhere not even Dawn could reach. Being
over six-foot was handy in that area.
Steve looked at his phone. "Jensen did it again."
Danny looked at his, nodding. "She needs someone more dangerous than Xander but better than a vampire."
"Eww," Kono said, shuddering. "She dates *vampires*? Not goth guys but actual vampires?"
"Yup," Danny said with a smirk. "Xander said she dated at least two."
"Yuck," Steve said.
"Including that Angel guy that used to handle LA. Apparently he
was her first," Danny said smugly. "Which meant he lost his soul
for a bit."
"That's still disgusting." Steve walked off shuddering. "Maybe one of Xander's evil things will want her."
"It might be a step up," Kono said. "Even the teenage goth people
wouldn't like that." She went to find something to get that image
out of her mind. Unfortunately she ran into one of Xander's past
dates and got into a fight. "Damn it!" she called. The guys
came rushing out to deal with it. She was doing good against him
but he was over a foot taller and clearly had a lot of martial arts
"Why have you not protected my Xander from the stupid ones," he demanded.
She kicked him back into Steve, who took over the fight. "Because he's not dating right now."
Steve got him down and cuffed. "I've been trying to find him
someone more decent than you are. There's not that many of you
that I haven't helped arrest around here."
Danny snorted, staring down at him. He smirked when the man looked
up at him. "You and me, we're gonna talk about my cousin Xander
and his boys." The man swallowed. "Name?" He helped
him up and walked him off. "Let's go talk about why you want my
poor, deluded, hunted cousin."
"Should we protect him?" Chin asked.
"Danny doesn't need it," Kono said.
"Not him, the idiot from Danny."
"No. He deserves it," Kono said.
Steve shook his head. He took a picture of the guy and sent it to
Xander. He got back a name. He walked into their
interrogation room. "So, Wilbur." The man flinched.
"Xander said he's making meatballs today or he'd be down here to see how
you got to Hawaii."
"I belong here," he sneered. "You're on my islands."
Steve smirked. "I'm third generation." The man slumped. "So why are you on *my* islands?"
Danny smirked. "Him or me."
Wilburg looked at him. "Are you like Xander?"
"Without all the artillery and without having the bitches around."
The man slumped down. "Now, let's talk about why you want my
cousin and how you'd find yourself worthy of him." That got a
deeper slump. "Won't save you any. I'll bring my cousins
here to kick you in the nuts since they're so close to the
He sat up. "Xander has children?"
"He adopted five boys." Danny smiled. "Great little kids. It's why he retired from the Council."
"Oh," he said weakly. "Okay." He nodded. "I don't like kids so I'll withdraw my interest."
"You're still under arrest," Steve said.
"I haven't done anything."
"Most of those who want Xander are arms dealers. So we'll be
making sure first." Kono came in to get his fingerprints digitally
so they could run them. What she found made Steve a happy boy,
all except for the pile of paperwork he had to fill out to arrest
him. International paperwork was worse than what they had to fill
out for the FBI to take some of Xander's dates off their hands
Steve walked up to the house that night, staring down at Jensen when he
got let in. "Don't text encouragement to them. I've had to
fill out fifty-eight forms today to arrest six people who want
Xander." Jensen and Frank both gave him horrified looks.
Roque was cackling. Pooch and Cougar were moaning and shaking
their heads. "Encourage them to go hit on Buffy, not on your
dad. We don't need more evil people here."
Xander was snickering in the kitchen. He leaned over to look at him. "Buffy only likes hunters and feeders."
"Considering the last one was the guy from Cambodia that thinks that eating human remains is good for a body?"
"Send him to New York then. She's there."
"I'd never do that to New York. Or Cleveland." He walked off shaking his head. "No dating, Xander."
"Yup, if you say so." He rolled his eyes. "Guys, food's
nearly ready." They crawled in there so Xander could put them into
their high chairs and dish out the meatballs. Jensen moaned as he
nibbled. Xander grinned. "I thought you might like
those. I can make them with deer meat too." He handed Roque
the last one. "That's sausage." They ate and liked it.
It was a good, quiet night. Dawn came in yawning. "I put
your phone in the bathroom on top of the light."
"Jensen reminded himself he could text."
She went up there to grab the phone, looking at her history. She
burst out cackling, coming down to hug Jensen on her way to a nap.
Hannibal walked in, smirking at the kids. "If he hadn't adopted
you five, I would've taken you in." He patted Jensen on the
head. "Good ideas, little guy." He looked at the pot then at
"Bread?" Xander said with a point. That got a smile since there
was good cheese too. So he had a meatball sub. Xander
too. The boys were happy with theirs, though Jensen whined and
pouted that there were no cookies. Xander looked at him.
"You're still grounded and if I give them some you'd pout your way into
them. So no one gets dessert until you're not grounded."
Jensen pouted but Pooch patted him on the back and babbled at him.
Jensen got put down on the floor again and crawled off to pout at
Dawn. Dawn cuddled him and it was nearly as good as cookies.
She wasn't insane or dangerous either, so she was his sort of girl.
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