Demon Criminal Investigative Services: Playing Make Up and Wed.
Xander came out to the gate, blinking at his sometimes girlfriend a few days after he had gotten back. "What's up? Already free?"
"I came to give you back your gun. We switched. I realized that when the man I thought was human screamed at the blessed rounds you use." She handed over his gun. He took out his and looked at it then handed it back with a sheepish look. "Neither of us really checked them before sliding back into our holsters."
He took a kiss. "Thank you. Did it help?"
"A whole lot and I stole an extra bullets for our ops people to look at for possible future loads." She smirked. "Busy?"
"Small research case but nothing that's going to take me out of town for a few days as far as I know. You? You can join us for lunch, dinner, or breakfast. Our cook's really good and the girls are helping her tonight."
"I could see doing dinner or breakfast." She let him into her car. "How busy are you?"
"Not that busy. Fargo's proofreading and I've sent the research case back already. My desk's clean except for ISC stuff. Paperwork annoys me."
She parked where he pointed and took a kiss. "Got a lunch break now?"
"Yes I do," he growled, leading her to his apartment. They made it inside and got down to making noise that drove Sam nuts up the hall. And hey, he could fix any dents they caused in the walls.
Sam huffed but stomped off to the main building. "Who's with Xander? She's got the wrong range of screaming in pleasure to be Anya or Cordelia," he asked Daniel when he ran into him.
Daniel gave him a sideways look. "He's got a visitor?"
"Yes. Drove me out of bed." He stomped up to the library.
Daniel went to the security office. "Who's in to visit Xander?" he asked, taking a sip of his coffee.
"An agent Clorina DuBois."
"She's the one Jack set him up with. Let me know if there's problems."
"No, we're gonna talk now," Danny Messer said hotly from behind him.
Daniel looked, finding him dragging Mac off by the arm and Don following looking slightly amused. "We'll make the hours up, boss," Don said with a wave. "Those two gotta talk about personal stuff."
"I know that relationships do that now and then," he promised patiently. "I know you'll make up the hours too. The same as Xander will if he misses any today." Don smirked, heading after the arguing couple. Danny went back to his office, sipping his coffee. "Fargo, new pot of coffee's just up," he called into his office.
"No thank you." He came out to hand him something. "Xander's research report and the report on what happened in LA." He saw a huffy Sam Winchester stomp past them. "Is there a slayer issue?"
"Xander's got a female friend in. Sam was apparently trying to nap before his afternoon lectures."
"I heard he could get loud. I've never met anyone that way before."
"You can ask Philip, a lot of people do," Danny said with a smirk.
Fargo shivered. "No thanks. I'm a good boy. Really I am." He went back to his desk. "Deputy Lupo's coming this weekend."
"That's fine, Fargo. You can have visitors and they're part of us too now. I'm sure they'll have fun showing her the armory and the stuff in testing." He went to his office to look over the reports. They got sent onto the proper people and he got to relax.
At least until the president called a few minutes later. "Daniel?" he asked in greeting. Daniel nodded since he had to swallow. "How does Harris get into these situations?"
"I don't know. Apparently that army wanted him dead as a symbol of their might, sir. I'm glad he could handle it with the agent Jack set him up with."
"Yeah, Clorina's a bit feisty," he said dryly.
"I'm told she's loud too, sir." He finished his coffee while the president gave him a disgusted look. "She's visiting at the moment."
"Ah!" He nodded once. "Enough said on that topic. What's this I hear about a betting board of boyfriends for him?"
"A demon casino in Las Vegas has a betting board about who Xander will end up with, how evil his next girlfriend or female date will go, and a few other matters. We told you about that but it was the day after most of those on the list got fairly drunk. John Sheppard still isn't sure why he's on it."
"I see." He stared at him. "Are you?"
"No, sir, the demons took the same jump that half the universe did and decided I gave Jack O'Neill his job out of favoritism for my playmate. There's a small, eight bet, board that's gambling on when we adopt."
The president moaned, rubbing his forehead. "You're all insane," he complained.
"Not really, sir. In my case that was an alien problem. Jack got me out of there."
The president glared. "Not cute."
"Sorry," he said with a grin. "It's a quiet day. There's no Xander cases, hardly any cases going on, a few agents are talking about their relationships. Some are making weekend plans with Abby."
"Fine," he sighed. "You know the next election is going to start getting heavy soon?"
"Yes, sir, and I'd like to meet with whoever takes your spot. Just to make sure we don't have any problems. Or else I'm letting Xander run the agency from the day he's elected until the day he names someone else." He smiled sweetly.
"Don't threaten the US that way, Jackson," he shot back with a dirty look. Daniel just smiled. "Fine. I've talked to both of them. Neither one really like your agency but they'd rather you did it instead of normal people like in the FBI or CIA."
"Speaking of, sir," he said, turning to fax something. "One tried to get into Abby's design files. That's who she made sorry." He turned back around. "So you can have someone yell at them as well. I doubt the CIA needs any of the toys that they've made."
"No, I'd hope not. How are things going with the extra people?"
"We're down to a can they/can't they point. If GD can do what's needed to recharge some ZPM's we'll be restarting it within a year. If not, we'll make that decision. The base has a few new projects getting ready to start so we'll shift personnel over."
"That's reasonable. Are they straining you?"
"No, sir. They have their own budget and we're using their budget to pay for their food and the extra electric, bullets, and water."
"Even better." He looked over the report when it got handed to him. "I'll have their people yell."
"You might warn them that Abby has talked to a few techno pagans, sir."
"Techno pagans," he said, thinking about that phrase. "Like witches who hack?"
"Like some can combine them, yes, sir."
"I'll make sure they know they're being stupid and are going to have some strange issues too. Do you have any idea which witches hated me that much? My wife was not amused in the least."
"Some teenage ones from what I heard. They decided you were mean. They were stopped."
"Oh, them," he said flatly, grimacing. "Fine. I suppose I deserve it from the thirteen-year-old-girl perspective." He sighed. "There is some good news. The Japanese Foreign Minister saw that one demon that had the growth problem. He's talking to Germany and Canada about setting up their own office."
"That could be helpful. The slayer house nearest to them is in India."
"I know. I told him that as well. I'm sure fairly soon all the bigger countries will have their own offices to deal with it."
"What I'm wondering is if they've got their own version of Xander to help them during the startup year," Daniel said.
The president gave him the most horrified look. "Don't say that! Damn, man!"
"Sorry, sir, paperwork day. I'm doing the stuff for Congress."
"Take a tea break, Jackson, before your mind goes!" He hung up and found another number in the DCIS directory, calling it. "Doctor House I presume? Would you please check Doctor Jackson for possession or something that's making his mind go strange places? Thank you." He hung up before the person who had answered could say anything.
Wilson hung up the phone. "Someone very authoritative just called to ask you to check Daniel for possession or something that's making his mind go strange places."
House looked up. "I wonder what he told them this time." He looked at the number on the caller ID. "Hmm, DC." He got up and walked that way, his cane tapping quietly. He walked into the office. "Someone in DC thinks you're possessed," he said dryly.
"I got told the Japanese are setting up their own DCIS agency. I wondered if they had a Xander of their own to help with the startup year."
House pointed. "Infirmary, now, Jackson. Right now before whatever this is spreads."
"I'm only bored."
"I don't care!" he shouted. "Come on. Guys, help get Daniel down to the possession room so he can be checked," he ordered. Stella and Horatio came in to help him down there.
Tony looked at him. "Do I need to take over?" he asked.
"He was wondering if Japan had a Xander of their own to help with their new DCIS agency."
"According to the animes they do have some funky samurais. Would one of those do?"
"You too, DiNozzo. Infirmary. If only because you're watching anime." Tony huffed but went. "Fargo, you're in charge. We're making sure Tony and Daniel aren't possessed."
"I'll get Xander back," he said, calling his cellphone. He got a panting female, making him blush. "Um, ma'am, is Xander there please? Can you please tell him House just took his boss and Tony down to the infirmary for possible possessions? Thank you," he said quickly then hung up.
Xander walked in twenty minutes later, freshly showered. "Are we possessed or do we just have bad mind syndrome?"
"Bad, rotten minds," House said dryly. "They need a nap." He looked the kid over then smirked. "Have fun with someone?"
"Yes, I did," he said smugly. "She's napping too." He got them undone. "Go eat lunch and we'll find something for the agency to do."
"No weapons cases," Daniel warned.
"If I can manage it. Shoo, get chocolately goodness so I can." He followed them out, waving at Wilson. "Sorry. Sometimes it has to happen so you have a few more clear minded years later on."
"He's done it to me before, Xander. Don't worry about it." He looked at his friend, who was trying to look innocent. "You couldn't pull that look off since medical school, House. Stop trying."
House cackled, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm learning how to be a better evil one from some of the slayers."
"I'm sure the two youngest can teach you a lot."
"Mary will need someone like me some day."
"Have a son for her to hit on," Wilson said dryly. House cackled at that thought. He shook his head. "Cuddy called yesterday. She threatened to come out here with FBI agents to steal me back."
"We'd sic Xander on them." Wilson groaned, shaking his head. Dawn appeared out of a portal, looking miserable. "Bad day, princess?"
"Fucking horrible bad ass day," she muttered. She laid down on the bed. "Is Xander here?"
"Somewhere." He paged him and came out to look her over. "Bruised, broken? Just traumatized?"
"D, all of the above." She winced but took off her shirt to let him see her chest and stomach. He winced. "Yeah, apparently one of the ones arrested was on sports scholarship. One of them told me to let my agent big brother see him about it before he left."
"You have this set arrested?" Sam asked as he walked in. "Xander's in the bathroom."
"Yup, campus security caught them at it and broke them up. They definitely arrested the three I managed to put down but two tackled my lighter than their mountain-sized asses so they got me pinned for a few minutes. That's when security stepped in." Xander stomped in, staring at the bruises. "Retaliation."
"I'm going to have those bastards eaten."
"Might be too late," she said dryly. "One of the halfies on campus was who called security. I'm filing formal charges in town."
"Yes you are," he agreed. He found the phone book in the office, coming out looking up their number. "There we are." He called from the infirmary phone. "Hi, this is Special Agent Harris at DCIS. One of our ISC people was apparently assaulted on campus today in retaliation for having some idiots who tried to drug her arrested. Where should she go to file the formal charges? I've never met campus security there but I doubt they're real officers," he said bluntly. "Why yes, I am her relative she warned them about when she was kicking their asses."
He smirked at her. "That's nice but she does want to press formal charges. Because we're here in our infirmary and she's heavily bruised. I don't care," he said bluntly. "That's fine, we'll show up and do that anyway." He hung up. "Let's go." She got up with a groan and some help from Sam. She took her shirt back but kept it off. She had on a sports bra. It'd be modest enough for now. She concentrated, creating a portal to the station she had marked for emergencies. They walked through together. "Hi," he said, pulling out his ID case. "This is my little sister, who is not quite eighteen yet. I'm sure you can see the problem?"
"Bad boyfriend, miss?" he asked, pulling out some papers.
"No, idiots on campus who got me for having some of their buddies arrested for trying to drug me."
"I heard about that. Let me get the case file up. Do you know who assaulted you today?"
"Campus security got to pull two of them off me after I had put down three and they had one other that was kicking and hitting me while two held me down."
He nodded once. "Okay."
"I called to see which precinct to take her to, the officer who answered the phone said that nothing was going to be done because she deserved it."
"Um, no, we don't work like that, Agent...."
"As in DCIS?" he asked, looking hesitant.
"Yes, and Dawn's a watcher in training," he said with a smile. "Plus my little sister."
"Wonderful. I'm sure that takes a lot of brains, ma'am, sir." He called his boss. "Sir, I have an assault complaint here. Campus. Some of the sports teams from what I can see. I see a ring mark. I could use an evidence camera." He hung up and moved her to a seat so he could take the report. His boss came out with the camera, letting him take pictures for it. He also found the last report and added it to this one, and got one from campus security about who it was. The coaches could moan and whine. Xander took Dawn home once he was done and he got to relax for a moment.
His boss came to look it over. "At least neither of them went after those kids," he decided, handing it back. "Go for it."
"Which one did he talk to?"
"I had the incoming call looked at. I'll be talking to him."
"Watch out for the coach, go to the head of the athletics department first."
"Gladly. I know some of them fuss." He gathered things and headed out. It wasn't that far to the college. He found the office easily enough too. Apparently two of them were waiting in the hall. He tapped then walked in. "Sir, Sergeant Brooks."
"Sergeant, is this about the assault on some of our boys earlier?" the coach in there demanded.
"Yes, sir, the woman they assaulted pressed charges."
"A woman kicked them around that way?" the coach demanded.
"Yes, sir, and her big brother was with her to help her file charges."
"I'm not scared of some agent," he sneered.
"He's DCIS, sir."
The coach stepped back, shaking his head. "Can't be."
"She's a watcher in training. Your boys who tackled her got *real* lucky." He looked at the head of the athletics department. "She did press charges, sir." He handed over both reports. "The one that started it and the current issue."
The head looked it over then looked at him. "Have there been others?"
"Campus security doesn't seem to think so, but then again the campus hired rent-a-cops for the most part. I'm going to ask their boss, who was an actual officer, after this."
He nodded, handing them back. "I'll have them down there within an hour to turn themselves in, Sergeant Brooks. Two aren't here and I need time to track them down. If I can't find them by then, I'll bring the rest and let your people handle it." He nodded and left to go to the security office. "Drugging freshman girls is not allowed," he snarled. "I don't care if he is the head of soccer team and another was your star tennis player. We do not support drugging young women or men to rape them! They are off the teams, they are kicked out of this department, and they will be facing their charges. If I hear of any others who have done the same thing, they're going too! I don't care which team they're on and which alumni donator will fuss!"
"You're bowing to pressure because her brother's a Fed," he snorted.
"No, I'm doing it because I'll be damned if I want my daughter to go through the same thing! Or anyone else's daughter! And if you try to hide them or I find out you tried to get them off the hook, you can find a new department too and good luck with it." The coach stomped off. He went to talk to the head of the alumni association and the president since they were probably having lunch together again. They were married, they lunched together often. He sat down at their table in the private dining room. "Apparently our campus security sucks."
The president winced. "One of the girls' teams get jumped?"
"A freshman girl nearly got drugged by a few and managed to kick their butts. She pressed charges. Today, some of my former players decided to get some revenge. She got three before two tackled her. The sergeant who came to arrest them said that campus security hadn't reported any others."
"Aw, crap," the wife sighed, shaking her head. "Is your department going to have a press issue? I can make a statement as the head of the college."
"No, ma'am. They're off the teams. I'll be damned and the coach can leave too if he helped with it and I find out."
The husband smiled. "Good. How many are involved?"
"Six today, three last time. They dropped whole pills into her drink; that's how she caught them. I'm pretty sure someone's not taking reports about any others. She had to have her agent big brother help her file the report today."
"Oooh," the wife said with a wince. "Bad?"
"DCIS. I don't think he'll do anything if it's handled and the law takes it's course."
"Good. They're mostly fair, even if a few are said to be a bit violent. I didn't know we had any of them here?"
"The report says that she's a watcher in training. She's had extensive self defense lessons with the slayers for the last few years."
"Good!" She considered it then nodded. "I want to open a new class for self defense lessons. Open to anyone, can be split males or females if you want."
"Yes, ma'am. I'll talk to our Judo coach about that."
"Good. Will she join?"
"From what I saw of the slayers, they're not formally trained in any particular style, just to defend and take care of issues. She probably is too but I'll put up notices to see if she wants to." He stood up. "I thought you should know before it hit the news. They're being turned over in a bit."
"Thank you for telling me in person. I hope you can fill their spots with someone better."
He smirked. "Probably not an issue." He walked off to gather the other two from their dorms. The rest could be walked down there soon enough. Only one was missing and he was found by campus security and handed over by the head personally. "You heard?"
"Yes, and there's been three attempted reports that weren't made. No one else was involved on the male side."
"Good to know."
"I'm talking to the girls who tried to report things," the security chief promised.
"I already warned the president in case the press came."
"Thank you." He went to find those girls.
Xander handed Daniel the report. "Had to pull my ID when I told the sergeant I was helping her file charges. Nothing else."
Daniel read it over then looked up at him. "She okay?"
"She's got some ice cream and she's talking to Dean and Faith. She didn't want me to fuss. She did threaten the boys with me but she won't let me fuss. Still no idea if the rats were demonic or not."
"Have Stella handle that," he reminded him. Xander nodded, going to bug her about that problem. Daniel filed that report with the first one so they had it in case something needed to know. Or someone. Because some of the demons in congress? Not exactly people after selling so much of their souls for power.
"AHHHH! OHHHH! YEAH, XANDER! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
The guard looked up with a sigh, then looked at the singles dorm. Jackson's lights weren't on. No, one got flipped on.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!" A minute of silence then, "AAAAAAAAAOOOOOWWWWWW!" in a female voice.
Dean and Faith went to hide in her room. Sam went to John's room. Tony was glaring. "Sir," the guard said. "We can break in there to embarrass him."
"I told them to shut up, she threatened to shoot me. Xander tried, but she's louder than even Anya was!" He went to the infirmary. It had beds.
Daniel walked out of his building and over there, going to interrupt them so *he* could get some sleep. He pounded then walked in, glaring at Xander when he came out. "I don't care what you're doing to her. I don't care if you're killing her, screwing her, whatever. She can be heard by the back gate and all your windows are closed."
"She's got her face in a pillow," he muttered. He shrugged.
"Then finish it up or take her to a motel. At least it's not the middle of the night." He stomped off, slamming the door behind him.
Xander sighed and went to finish her off. It wasn't his fault she was loud! He got her up and took her to the motel so they could play in peace. The local cops wouldn't bust him for her being that loud and the motel hardly had anyone this time of year.
John looked outside then went to interrupt Dean and Faith since they were a bit noisy too. "He took her somewhere else. Go back to bed, son."
"Fine." He got up and helped her up, walking her back there in her skimpy jammies that were giving him many dirty thoughts.
John stopped Xander the next morning. "Xander, you know I look at you like you're the son of another hunter that I'm helping and watching over, right?" he asked, walking him off.
"Then I'm going to give you some advice, kid. Women who make that much noise? They're probably not good for you. Even if it's because they're enjoying it, it's probably not going to be a healthy relationship. Once in a while, yes. Every night? No." Xander was blushing. "It's girls like that who get you new stalkers."
"Jack introduced us. She's another agent."
"That's wonderful. It's good she can match you beating up problem people. Still, she's probably not going to be a healthy relationship for you to be in long-term. And you should have a long-term girl or guy who makes you happy and helps you calm down after the bad cases."
"Good." He patted him on the back. "Next time, do a silencing charm?"
"I hadn't thought of that. I can have Dawnie do one," he said with a grin. "I don't think she'll go stalker."
"I'd hope not," he said. "Because she seems a bit...scary, Xander."
"It's where she's trained to handle world-ending and US-ending events with a small team," Jack called from the armory door. Xander grinned at that. "I've never heard her be that loud. Even with her ex-husband."
"She told me viagra couldn't even help him," Xander told him.
"She's said worse than that about him."
"I heard but John's got delicate ears." He looked at the older hunter, grinning some. "I'll try to keep it off base."
"Good, because Anna and Gibbs had to have a talk about how not all women were that loud. She was worried she couldn't get that loud."
"Oops. I'll talk to her if I have to."
"No, he got her straightened out and let Chase talk to her about sex." He patted him again with a smug look. "Keep it off base, Xander. Before she becomes your next bad girl."
"Well, technically with what she has to do for the job...." Xander said.
Bauer gave him a dirty look. "Now and then, yeah, but it's necessary," he said dryly. "The same as you ending up on YouTube is."
"I know, but she's good most of the time." He grinned. "She can even cook a little bit."
"Wonderful," John agreed. "You're going to be late for work."
"No I'm not. It's my day off. I only took lunch off yesterday to play with her. She napped until about dinner, we played then, so I didn't miss any work yesterday." He beamed and went to his desk to check his voicemail, email, and for any suddenly appearing envelopes.
Daniel came out to stare at him. "Is she going to start stalking you, sending you inappropriate gifts, or anything we should be warned about? If so, can you maybe break up with her now?"
Bauer walked up, handing him a card. "From her. She dropped it in front of my door on the way out this morning." He looked at Xander. "She happy?"
"They called her back to work."
"Ah." He nodded, walking off again. That had been a good deed of his to call the bosses and have her recalled so the rest of them could sleep.
Daniel looked at the card, then handed it over, walking off shaking his head. He had no idea where Xander found them sometimes.
A few hours later, Faith walked a small bag up to Xander's desk, handing it to him. "There, from us. Because you need it." She walked off again. "All the girls have the morning off so they can catch up on their sleep."
Xander looked, then grinned. "A cock gag. Cool. Anya's trunks don't have any of those." He put it down. It disappeared. He looked up. "Anya, new girlfriend's toy." It reappeared. "Thank you." He got back to work on the case he had open.
Stella wandered in sipping coffee. "Xander, what did you do to her?" she demanded quietly. "I've never heard a woman get *that* loud."
He shrugged. "Oral sex."
She huffed. "It can't be. There's no way. I don't get that loud, no one else ever gets that loud. That makes two women that you've made break the usual noise levels."
"Three," Tony said dryly. "Abby's friend Bolivia."
"Oh, yeah. Well that was only one night," Stella said. "She might've been quieter after that."
"Not likely," he quipped, looking at his buddy. "Use the gift, please?" he begged. "I like sleeping in my own bed instead of the infirmary. The nurse looked very amused when six of us showed up and four of those were in House's building." He went back to his own case.
Calleigh and Horatio walked in, her patting him on the head. "Would you maybe like a nice, long weekend off with her somewhere so we can all sleep?"
"I'm sorry. I don't know why she was so loud."
Horatio added his gift certificate to the local adult toy store to the bag from there. "There, so you can buy something to help keep her more quiet this next time." He went to his desk, finding he had work today. It was nice.
Stella and Calleigh shared a look but went to work too. They'd never date Xander and they'd keep each other from it if some wild hair went up their butts to do so.
Abby walked in smiling and happy. "Does anyone have anything for me to do? If not, I'm cleaning the lab and that means moving machines."
"Why are you so perky?" Tony asked. "The rest of us are tired from the noise last night."
"Noise? What noise? Did we miss a base assault? Because I'm sorry if we did and you needed us." Tony pointed at Xander. "Were you a base assault?" she asked.
"Noise assault," Horatio said grimly. "For nearly an hour."
"Oooh." She gave Xander a hug. "Bolivia said to call her back if you ever want another round. She said that tongue thing nearly made her die but it was so good she's willing to cross over that way." She let him go and bounced off. "Rod, did you know that there was noise last night and we missed it?"
"That's because you two were probably just as noisy." Radek complained. "I room near you two. Is disturbing."
"Xander was noisy last night," she told him.
"I heard. Everyone heard. Whole town heard. Is even more disturbing. Will corrupt children next time probably. He should stop it."
"We keep trying to make him go gay but each time he gets with a woman she gets louder and louder," Abby said with a grin.
Rodney looked at her. "He couldn't have been that loud."
"I measured decibels from my room. Was over eighty from two buildings away," Radek complained. "They made him go to sleazy motel so the rest of us could sleep."
"Aww," Abby said with a grin. She kissed Rod quickly. "You make me want to be that noisy."
He blushed. "Not in the lab," he said, glancing around to make sure no one else had heard them. He could thump Radek if he teased him but the others he'd have to get Xander to do for him, or the slayers since they all liked Abby.
Radek shook his head. "We need bigger building with soundproof rooms. Move all the noisy ones there." He went to work in another lab.
Rodney shrugged when Abby gave him a confused look. "Sometimes he's a puritan about such things," he told her.
"Ah." She took another kiss and they got to work cleaning her lab. She was missing an earring backing and it was driving her nuts.
Wesley opened up the mail, scowling at the letter inside it. "What's up, Wes?" Faith asked since she was playing secretary today.
"Someone wanted us to do a product endorsement. The girls I mean."
"Huh?" she asked.
"They wanted the girls to hype their bleach product."
"Clorox bleach, for when you've just crapped yourself during an apocalypse to get those whiteys white again?" she quipped. "Or more of the 'Clorox, for when the goo just has to come out of your favorite outfit' sort?"
He snickered. "I have no idea but I dare say neither one would be that appealing."
"We don't use bleach, you can tell them that. We use Mrs. S's recipes to get goo out of everything. And tell them that the girls don't wear underwear anyway so it doesn't really matter if we need stain removal there."
Wesley blushed. "Faith!"
She looked at him. "I didn't! It kept me from soiling my jeans during the last one."
He groaned, shaking his head. "That is a habit you really should take up."
"What is?" Dean asked as he walked in.
"Wearing panties during apocalypses. Wanna join in?"
"I'd look sucky in panties, Faith. Why are we on this topic?"
"Some bleach people want us to be spokesmodels," she said with an evil smirk.
"Bleach, for when you're facing an enemy twice your size, triple your weight, and you have the wrong weapon," Dean quipped.
Wesley got up and went to get some tea. "I'll send back a tasteful note that we don't really use their product and it's not good for the slayer image."
Dean and Faith shared a smirk. "No work today?" Faith teased.
"Next week we get some of the really mini slayers and some of the older ones back."
"Cool. Little B will pout that she's missing out on training time but by then the kids can probably pat the future slayer."
"Maybe," he agreed. He came in to get a kiss then walked out to go back to his plans. His father gave him a look when they passed in the hall. "Wes got asked for the slayers to do product endorsements."
John moaned, shaking his head. "It's probably not good for the ISC."
"That's what we said. Wes went to get some tea."
"I noticed the blush." He walked off shaking his head. Hopefully soon, things would get closer to normal again.
"Mini slayers are coming in a few weeks," Dean called.
"Wonderful. Something to do." John considered it. Why would bleach makers want slayers to hype their products? It tended to set in demon ick more than take it out.
Abby looked up from her brunch at an all you can eat buffet in Vegas, finding a familiar person. "You followed?"
"Case," he admitted, kissing her on the head. "Greg called when Clorina dragged in two demons who were trying to build a bio bomb."
"Ah. So how long are you in for?"
"Today, and tonight if Danny's kind and decent." He put down a number. "I'm here." He winked. "Don't do anything I wouldn't. Remember to take film for the girls, they'll nag if you don't and pout for a long time." He walked off whistling. He waved at John when he spotted him. "Case," he said at the opening mouth. "Solved."
"Oh, good." He went in to get his own breakfast. "No McKay?" he asked her.
"Nope." She ate a bite and grinned once she had swallowed. "He's resting for later. Do you think he wants to do something with costumes or something more traditional?"
"I have no clue," he admitted. "That is not a topic we've ever talked about. Though I can tell you he won't do anything Star Trek-ish." He got his own plate from the buffet and came back to eat with her. Radek and Tiff wandered in. Ronon was following them. He waved them over. "Tiff, help her shop later. After she asks McKay how formal he wants to be."
"I can shop like a slayer for today," she said dryly. "I'm not usually one of the shopping ones but I can be for a few hours." Abby gave her a hug.
Ronon shook his head, sitting down to eat. "How long should this take?"
"That depends on if they can pick which one they want this morning, get all the official paperwork done, and Abby finds what she wants to wear," John told him. "By tomorrow definitely."
"That's fine. This town has a lot of very...bright things."
"Sammy said that there's a roller coaster on top of a casino," Tiff offered. "Want to ride it with me, Ronon?"
"No thank you. I have no idea what it is but the look of unholy glee on your face worries me."
She giggled, swatting him on the hand. "It's fun."
"So was that wild river ride we went on. It still soaked me to the skin, gave me a chill and sniffles, and made me seem less than manly when I squealed as we went over that waterfall you didn't know was there."
"I never get stories like that anymore," Abby complained.
"That's because you never take a vacation anymore," Tiff reminded her.
"Oh, yeah." She shrugged but dug in again. "If we were here longer, we could see the Grand Canyon."
"You can make him see it with you while we're waiting. Take a weekend off," John pointed out. She beamed at that, kicking him under the table. He loved making her happy, even if he did have bruises. Rodney wandered in looking half asleep. He got coffee and two plates of food before sitting down on Abby's free side. They had left him that seat. He grunted at them.
John waited until he had taken a lot of coffee in to talk to him. "She's asking about formality, traditions, and costumes. Got any input before the girls go shopping?"
Rodney stared at him then at her. "Costumes?" he asked.
She let him have more of his coffee before answering. "Do we want to dress up, do something more traditional, or would you like to do a fantasy thing?"
He groaned, shaking his head. "No thank you."
"Traditional, suit and tie for you, nice dress for me? Or did you want to go through the bigger dress and tuxes?"
"Don't you girls usually plan that stuff?" Rod asked.
She kissed him gently. "Yes, but I don't have a fantasy wedding planned from childhood, dear."
"Hnmm." He took another drink, noticing the number on the table. He pointed while swallowing.
"Xander had a case called. Clorina found a few making bio-bombs and had to hand them over. So he's got her somewhere else."
"Good! I'm sure they can keep up that resort quite nicely," he said dryly, making her giggle. He considered it. "I've always thought those people who got married in jeans were not going to last."
"So, suit or tux?" Tiff asked. "It'll matter where I help her shop later."
"Suits would be good," he decided. "I could use a new one anyway."
Abby grinned. "Okay. Do you want to do the traditional white dress for me or anything like that? Because I *so* don't look great in white."
"That's up to you. It's your dress," he pointed out.
She gave him another kiss. "I won't wear black if you'd be creeped out."
"If you do, it'd have to be black tie," John said. "That way she could wear something fabulous and so could you."
"Hmm, not necessary," Rodney decided. "Suits, nice dress. We'll find something to fit Ronon later on." They all nodded. "Which one are we doing it at again?"
"We narrowed it down to four choices," she reminded him, pulling those out of her pocket.
He looked them over. "I still don't like that one. Even if it's romantic to be beside the lake.... It's overlooking a resort's made lake."
"Okay." She crossed that one off. "This one has Elvis or a wizard or someone marry you or regular sorts."
"I'd rather not do a fantasy wedding," he said dryly, giving her a dirty look.
"If you did, I could wear something like a chainmail bikini," Abby teased with a grin.
Rodney blushed. "Not if you want to be seen by anyone else you're not."
She giggled, kissing him on the cheek. "Okay. That leaves two. They do normal things. This one's a bit cheaper, that one's a bit less crowded."
He pointed at the less crowded one. "Cheap isn't something to go with on such an event," he said. "If it means something, expense shouldn't matter as much as feeling and atmosphere."
"Okay. I'll meet you at the records office at three?" He nodded at that. "We'll make reservations with them for after five? That gives us some time to get back, change, then get there."
"That would be reasonable," he assured her. She squealed and hugged him then got back to her breakfast. By long habit, he didn't watch what she was eating.
Ronon did. "There's no strange combinations. Are you feeling all right?"
"Should I find a shotgun?" John teased.
"We're not in your former part of the country," Rodney complained. "If you should try, I'll have Tiff stop you."
"Fine. Spoil my fun."
"If we did a fantasy country wedding, you could do that," Tiff said with a smirk. "Have him in overalls, her in a gingham dress like on Hee Haw?" John snickered, shaking his head because McKay was giving her the dirtiest look.
"You, hush, before I find you some unclean man and let him marry you."
"Xander would protect me."
"I'd protect you from that. We still have to approve of all men you date, Tiff," Ronon reminded her.
"Fine." She dug in, then went to get a second plate. Abby went with her.
Rodney looked at John. "Where am I going for her ring?"
"I know a place. Got a good recommendation from one of the guys on our crew. He did the same thing." Rodney relaxed. "What size does she wear?"
"I have no earthly idea. I did think to bring one of the ones she wears at home to compare against."
"That should work as long as it's not adjustable."
"No, I don't think so." He finished up and went to get his own since the girls were giggling at the omelet maker. He came back to find the smaller table next to theirs was filled as well. "Carson, when did you get in?"
"Earlier. Radek called me." He smirked at him. "It's about time."
"Yes, well, it probably was," he agreed, watching Abby walk back balancing her glass of juice on her plate. He took it from her before it spilled, earning a happy grin and another kiss. "Not in public," he hissed. "Even if I don't mind showing you off, there's impressionable beings here who don't need to see me ravage you at the table."
She smirked at him. "I know, but you're so adorable when you're being chivalrous."
He even held her chair for her. She liked it when he did that. She also rewarded him very well when he was thoughtful. Radek smirked at him. "Behave, Radek, or I'm making you room with one of the botanists."
"Fine. Will not tease you for finally finding manners." He smirked but dug into his own breakfast. It was very well done. "How are your mother's cats?" he asked Carson.
"Doing good. She's fussing because one went into heat that she thought had been fixed. Now she's got sixteen kittens around the house as well and isn't sure she can give any of them up."
"Sixteen?" Tiff asked. "Damn I'm glad people don't have litters like cats."
"Me too. I'd hate to deliver them," Carson said dryly. She giggled. "What are we doing this morning?"
"Both wedding parties are going to do the necessary shopping," John said. "They'll hit the records office at three or so. Then we'll do the wedding tonight." They both nodded at that. "You four can go sightseeing once the shopping's done. I'll make sure no one snatches either of them." He pointed across the room. "Radek, isn't that the guy you told me the story about?" he asked quietly.
Radek looked then nodded. "Idiot," he said then went to muttering into his food in his native language.
"Someday I'll have to learn Czech to figure out what you're muttering in case I need to blush," Tiff teased him.
He looked at her then at John. "Protect that one. He is slimy that way."
"Thank you." He smirked at her. "If you wish to learn, I will teach you."
"Hopefully not like Anya taught Xander how to speak Norse," Rodney quipped.
"I doubt he likes her *that* way, Rod," Abby reminded him.
Radek blushed, shaking his head quickly. "Much too young for me. Would kill me in bed." He went back to eating. Carson gave him a friendly pat, earning a smirk back. "Your mother would be happy."
"She would but she's much too young for me as well. I'm old enough to be her father."
"True, as am I," Radek agreed.
Tiff giggled. "You two blush so cutely sometimes." They both gave her dirty looks.
Ronon patted her on the head. "This means we'll have to see you in a dress, won't it?"
"Unless she decides to go as a sacrifice to the altar of a god as a priestess turning into an ordained wife, yeah."
"That is *way* too kinky for my tastes," Abby told her. "But where did you see that? I know someone who'd love that theme." She pointed at it on the wedding chapels list. "It does say you can have a sacrificing wedding. Or even a rescue from a sacrifice and the hero wins the girl wedding. Huh." She texted that to someone she knew back east.
John shook his head. "That might be fun to watch but no."
Tiff snickered. "I can't see him swinging in on a vine to rescue the fair damsel about to be taken to the altar in a bad way," she agreed.
"Tarzan I am not," Rodney agreed. "I cannot wear a loincloth at all. I'd look silly. Even if some of the robes I've seen in various pictures of sacrifices would look stunning on you," he teased his girlfriend.
She blushed and swatted weakly at him. "I'll keep that in mind for later."
"Then she'll really be sacrificed to the geek god," John teased.
Tiff nodded. "We'll need earplugs."
"As long as I don't have to birth any offspring for at least two years," Carson told them, seeing the blushes. "I don't think the world's ready yet. Give the others time to find someone so they can have children to help yours socialize and play like normal ones do."
Rodney looked at his woman. "Perhaps we can elope?"
"We are, dear. That's why we're in Vegas," she reminded him.
"Oh, yes." He took another kiss and finished up. "Let us hit our necessary tasks." He wiped his mouth off. He, John, and Tiff all stood up. Abby took one last bite, wiped her mouth, then stood up as well. She slipped John something once Rodney was out of sight, getting a wink back. She went to brush her teeth then took Tiff to find a nice dress. "What was that?" Rodney asked outside waiting on a cab.
John looked at the thing he had been given. "A really nice ring." He let him see it. "I'm guessing so you can fit her new one to it."
Rodney took it with a smile. "That would do just as well as the one I have of hers." A cab pulled up and they got in, going shopping. He did need a new suit anyway. Maybe he'd get two since this one should be a bit special. He'd wear this one again when he accepted his next scientific award he decided. Not like he had been using his salary in the Pegasus galaxy.
Rodney looked at all the rings, finding one that spoke to him. "That one," he said with a point.
"That one's very heavy, sir."
"She's a bit goth," he said quietly.
"Ah, then that would be pretty on her." She pulled it out to let him see it and see how heavy it was. It was platinum, had a square, emerald cut, two carat diamond ring surrounded by tiny rubies. He sighed in pleasure. "That one's very unique. We figured it'd go to a nice goth girl some year."
"She is very sweet and nice," he said, letting her see a picture of her.
"She's beautiful," she praised, smiling at him. "That one's a bit expensive, sir. But if that's the one we can do payment plans if we must."
He looked at the tag, wincing a bit. "I haven't spent my paychecks in months," he decided, handing over his card. John walked in. He had been putting the suits in their rooms. "What do you think?"
"I think she'll sob on your shoulder for getting her something so her," he said with a smile.
"Excellent. Should I put the whole price on it or just a down payment?" the saleswoman asked.
"Yes, do the whole thing. We're being married tonight." She walked off to run it for him. John patted him on the back. "Tiff isn't getting her anything too naughty, is she?"
"No. I'm told it's blue. It'll match your skin and eyes very well," John assured him. "She saved the naughty thing for later. Tiff couldn't even hiss about it." Rodney blushed. She came back not looking pleased. "It declined?"
"It can't have. I haven't used any of my paycheck in months."
"No, it needs an authorization since you've been somewhere working that didn't have stores."
He took the phone. "Who is this?" He listened. "Yes, this is Doctor McKay. Meredith." He smiled. "No, my future wife's ring, madam. Thank you." He handed it back. "That should do."
She listened. "Thank you, miss." She hung up and smiled at him, going to print the receipt for him to sign. He got a copy and she put the ring into a box for him. "Is there anything else you need?"
"Not yet. Not until we make this one quit dating women who want to sacrifice him."
She looked John over and smirked. "He is adorable but too young for me."
John smirked back. "I'm older than I look," he offered with a wink, making her giggle as she walked off to help someone else. He walked McKay out to the cab, letting him keep the ring box in hand to stare at. They stayed silent most of the way back. "Nervous?"
"Yes, but I suppose it's normal."
"Probably. Never been here myself," he said dryly. He looked at him. "Can you imagine finding another woman who likes you for the mean, sarcastic bastard you are?"
"No. No I can't," he admitted, looking at him. "Is that enough?"
"She loves you in spite of your attempts at humor, your allergy to anything citrus, and your coffee habit, McKay. There's no one more perfect unless you could special order one."
"My sister... She'll be peeved."
"So call. Make the wedding tomorrow."
"I think we made arrangements."
John called her. "Abby, when's the appointment with the chapel?" He smiled. "Good. Sure, coming back now. Meet you by the desk, yeah." He hung up. "It's at ten tomorrow."
McKay snatched his phone to dial his sister's number. "Jeannie?" He smiled. "Yes I am. Have been for a month or so of working and I'm down for at least a few more at the moment. No, I want you on a plane to Las Vegas immediately. That way you can't complain about my taste in women." He hung up and handed it back with a smirk. "She's choking."
"I'm sure she is." He called another number Tiff had gotten for him. He smiled. "Hi, I know this is a TTY service," he told the woman on the other end. He read off the phone number he needed. She repeated it as she dialed. "Mrs. Scuito, you don't know me but I work with Abby. John Sheppard, ma'am," he said, waiting on her to respond. She said something nice about him. "Exactly. We're in Las Vegas. No, not me. Rodney is. He has a ring. Beautiful. Platinum, diamond, and rubies. It'll look stunning on her hand. Ten tomorrow morning. We're at the Luxor. Of course we can. Thank you, Mrs. Scuito. No, I think she was going to bring him home to meet you right afterward. His sister will be there as well, ma'am. Of course. Ten in the morning, yes. We're all here. Gibbs, Tony, and McGee are coming in later this afternoon. Of course. See you then." He hung up and smirked at him. "They'll be on the next flight up."
"I hope Jeannie is."
"I'm sure she's on her way to come meet the woman that tamed you and gave you manners."
"I have manners that I use when necessary."
"Uh-huh. Because she rewards you in ways that make you blush," he teased with a smirk.
"Quite possibly." They got out and he went to the front desk. "We have two additional guests coming in tonight," he told the check in girl.
"Of course, sir. We can reserve rooms for them. Names?" He wrote them out and added that one couple was deaf, getting a nod at that and a smile. "For your wedding?"
"Her parents and my sister."
"That's fine, sir. Make sure they know they have rooms waiting."
"Of course." He called them both on conference. "We've reserved rooms for all of you," he said in greeting. "Yes, sister, this is still your brother. Yes, Abby. I wrote you about her. Tomorrow at ten. We're at the Luxor. Just get here, I'll pay for your room. Her parents as well if they need me to. Otherwise she'll feel guilty and I won't have her upset." He hung up and looked at the check in girl. "My sister has to fly down from Ottawa."
"That's fine. They're reserved for the next forty-eight hours, sir. Your fiancee left you a message." She got it for him. He smiled once he had read it. "Have a good afternoon, sir."
"Thank you. I hope she's having fun in the pool." He went up to hide the ring, finding his trunks. She had made him get some for the pool on base. He went down to frolic with her. Radek and Carson were both lounging, looking a bit green. "Roller coasters?" he guessed.
"Many of them," Carson groaned. "Ronon compared them to Buffy."
"Eww." He dove in, chasing after his mate. She was sneaky and had slipped further off. He captured her, kissing her. "I love you."
"I love you too." She kissed him, staring into his eyes. "What did you do?"
"I called my sister to slip the news to her."
"Oh." She gave him a hesitant look. "Why?"
"Because I know you'd feel guilty if I didn't tell both our families. That way your father has the chance to find a good flame thrower or a shovel and my sister has time to have a headache then calm herself." She relaxed in his arms. He took another kiss. "Ten tomorrow?"
"Ten tomorrow but I won't make it so you have to sleep by yourself tonight," she teased.
"I doubt I would if you were that far apart." He heard a cough from the lifeguard and let her go. "There, we'll do laps."
"Of course we will. It's good exercise. Works off all that breakfast and any snacks you guys had while you were out." She winked and dove under the water to swim off again. She paused and came up, looking at him. "Did we reserve a room for Gibbs, Tony, and McGee?"
"Oh, good!" She swam off again. He smiled, watching her before starting off on his own. Apparently he liked the view. Which gave her naughty thoughts. But he did that just by breathing sometimes. Even his snoring was adorable, how cute was that.
Carson looked at Radek. "We could make a new sugar substitute from them."
"There must be a vaccine," Radek complained back. "Before we find ourselves being that gooey minded."
"Perhaps but I doubt it." He watched them swim, shaking his head. "They are adorable together."
"Hmm, she is adorable, makes up for him not being cute in the least."
"She makes him nicer too."
"Doesn't show in the lab sometimes but yes," Radek agreed, relaxing further. "We should be outside in the sun."
"We should." They went up the stairs to the outdoor lounging area. It wasn't often they got to sit in the sun and relax.
John looked at his phone when it rang, smiling at the number that came up. "Yes, Jeannie? This is John Sheppard. In the pool with Abby. No, she's making him swim laps with her probably. Yes, that one. Squealy, loves him, they're tooth-rottingly cute together. Tomorrow at ten, yup. There's a room here in the Luxor waiting on you." He waved at McGee when he spotted him. He pointed at the pool area, getting a nod. "All of us are here but you and her parents. They were going to shock you guys to death by showing up to announce it." He smirked.
"He decided she'd feel guilty. Exactly. All set up. No, she's sweet. Very sweet. She's in forensics but she plays naughty lab assistant to him now and then. Exactly. Sure, we're here. Thanks, Jeannie. Oh, just in case he didn't tell you, her parents are deaf. So you'll have to speak directly to them, not be beside them. I know you and Rod seem to be able to do that but you can't with them. Yeah, she said they can read lips. Good, see you then." He hung up. He looked at Gibbs since he was being stared at. "She's known one deaf person but they got the implant. She said she used to have to write things out to him because he couldn't read lips."
"That's fine then. As long as she's not one of those narrow minded idiots."
"Nope. Not in the least. They're in the pool."
"Figures. She likes him wet," Tony joked. "Anything new come up?"
"We have her ring, we have her dress, his suit, we're waiting on his sister and her parents to show up, I'm not sure if she knows." They all nodded. "It's at ten tomorrow."
"That's fine," Tony agreed. "We don't leave until nine tomorrow night."
"Cool. Ronon and Tiff are out playing around together. Carson and Radek are here somewhere. We're here. I'm the ring's guardian at the moment." They all nodded. "We'll probably meet for a semi-late dinner but nothing was planned for tonight like a bachelor party."
"Even better," Gibbs agreed. "She'd probably spank him."
John smirked. "He might like that." They all laughed. "Go play until dinner. We'll page you."
"Works for me," McGee said. He went up to his room to stretch out for a while. Tony and Gibbs went to do their own things too.
Abby looked up at the wordless squeal, finding an older version of her staring at her. "Momma?" she signed. Her mother nodded. She got up to pounce her, giving her a cuddle. "He only said that he told you," she signed.
Her mother signed back, "Did you think you could sneak him in like that puppy you tried to bring home?"
"She did that too?" John teased.
Abby looked back at him, nodding with a grin. "He was adorable! And had fleas like I had no idea." She looked around her mother at her father, waving hi. He opened his arms, getting a hug back. She signed at him quickly. He snorted but signed something back. "Daddy, he's not rude," she said when she signed. "At least when he's not under pressure and things. If he was that mean to me, I'd never have him as mine. Xander would've kicked his butt by now for me." Her father signed something else, making her blush. "I'm not a big enough bad girl for him." He laughed, giving her another squeeze. She pulled her mother into it. Then she walked them over. "Guys, these are my parents. I'm sure you can tell which one are which," she teased.
"Clearly, she gets her looks from her mother," Rodney signed slowly. "She's still teaching me."
"Good," her mother signed. She stared at him, signing something else. He looked confused.
John nudged him. "That was the 'I'll kill you and we have 'gators' talk."
"Oh." He smiled and nodded. "I'd never hurt her. She'd kill me and use me to feed some nasty demon that she was trying to identify or use me as fertilizer for the walking shrub demon George."
Her mother giggled, hugging him around the head. She sat down beside him. Her father sat beside John, talking to him. John was learning from Abby too but he was a bit better at it since he had nothing better to do than to learn new things. He introduced the others, getting them nodded at. Tiff was signing slowly, more slowly than Rodney was, but that only made her parents happier.
A female sigh of displeasure floated over to them. "They already like you? It's a shame I can't beat you to death for surprising me this way."
"We almost showed up on your doorstep to tell you then," Abby offered.
The other woman stared at her. "You're not what I would've expected my brother to go for," she admitted. "But you're adorable."
Abby smirked. "Smart too."
"Of course you are. Or else I'd have heard rants about having to go over science things with you." She sat down, smiling at the parents, signing just as quickly as they did. They smiled and greeted her back. "Yes, he's my dorky brother," she shared. They laughed and shook her hand, talking about Rodney for now. Then they'd talk about Abby later. That way both sides had shared enough information to keep the future spouse slaying down.
Tiff excused herself, going up to get some more soda. John followed her. "I'll be all right at the soda machine."
"You won't be. Radek told me that evil genius wannabe tried to get you earlier."
"Yup, and I sneered back," she said with an evil smirk. "He was very upset when I criticized his skills in planning assaults and grabs. Said I couldn't know what I was talking about. I kindly told him how you and DCIS Agent Harris had taught me strategy. He went pale and ran off. So apparently he knows about Xander too."
"I'll have to find out why." He walked her back there. "Radek, how did that being who wants to be you know about Xander?"
"His myth is slowly spreading around the universes," Carson said dryly.
"Yes it is," Abby agreed. "Which wannabe?"
"The evil one who wants to take Radek's life over from him to make his own feel worthwhile again," Tiff told her. "He tried to talk to me earlier and I sneered. So he tried to grab me. I critiqued his try. He was *very* upset at that." She took a drink.
Abby shook her head. "Let's not go home with Xander-style stories, okay? Please?"
"Never happen," Tony assured her. "None of us will be going to the live action D&D game."
"Good point," John said dryly. Radek made squeaky noises so he looked where he was pointing. "Abby, isn't that....."
"Oh, yeah." She texted the problem to Greg's phone. She had him in her contacts list, she had made sure before they left the base. A few minutes later, two officers walked in with Greg behind them. He smirked at her and winked before saying something to the woman with the high powered man. The succuba went to demon face and hissed. The man gave her a horrified look. "Talk about sucking dry in multiple ways," Abby muttered, cracking her mother up. She signed what was going on. Her mother rolled her eyes but accepted it. She went back to grilling Rodney with his sister's help. Abby looked up as someone came over. "Hi, Greggy." She gave him a hug. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Tiff, can we maybe borrow you later? We have a small...issue on the other side of town that's apparently high and not doing anything illegal, yet."
"Sure." She finished her soda and stood up. "Guys, let me go be a slayer. I'll be back in a few hours."
"Watch her back," Ronon ordered.
"I know. Xander will pounce and beat me if I don't." He walked her off. Gibbs came with her. "She shouldn't need a watcher."
"They go out in teams, no matter what, Sanders."
"That's cool. We like that," he assured him with a smile. "Like I said, he's not breaking the laws but he's annoying. I'm hoping she can send him off."
"If I can," she agreed. He got them into his official SUV and took them that way. He pointed at the thing snarling traffic in the suburban area. She sighed as she got out, walking over to it. "Do you mind? There's kids who don't want to see you procreating with the car."
"What're you?" he demanded, sniffing at her. Then he belched.
She waved a hand in front of her face. "The Slayer Tiff."
"The one who went far away," he said wisely.
"Yes, but we're in because Abby's getting married this weekend. You're taking me from my bridesmaid duties. Do you mind moving into the desert? Where no one can watch you taint their gas tank?"
Gibbs walked over. "It's usually harmless to people."
"It smells like scotch. It's drunk and having fun." She glared at the demon. "Shoo. Otherwise the LVPD is going to call Xander off *his* weekend off with his new lady friend. That means you'll have him frustrated from lack of sex."
The demon groaned. "Fine. I will move. May I have this one? She's a delightful lady."
She looked at Greg. Who shrugged and talked to the car's owner. He had to check with his insurance agent but he said to go for it. "Go ahead," she said when Greg nodded. "Just take her away from everyone else. You're upsetting people. Including little kids and you know we don't want them to have to watch you do that."
"I've heard Harris is studying that."
"No, one of Fargo's former coworkers is, he asked Xander to help him find people to talk to about it."
"Pity. He would have fun finding out."
"He'd make them just as loud as he makes his current one."
"True. He ran me out of where I was playing too." He walked off with the car still stuck on him. He was having fun with her.
She groaned, walking back to write a short report for Greg, getting a smile. "Xander drove him off with the noise he and his lady friend were making?"
"Xander's already been told to gag her twice tonight," he assured her. "She pulled her credentials and told the nice officers she had helped save the city earlier, she could be as loud as she wanted. They weren't going to argue with an agent even if he did groan at that pronouncement. He did promise to try though."
"Excellent. Now if she turns stalker after this weekend, we'll know why." Greg snickered but drove them back. "Thank you for the backup, Gibbs."
"Welcome." They walked into the hotel a few minutes later, finding three demons in there demanding to talk to Abby. "Why?" he asked from behind them.
"There's a slayer in town," one said hotly.
Tiff wiggled her fingers. "And here I am."
They stared at her. "Which one are you?" one asked.
She smirked. "Tiff."
The one on the right nudged the one next to him. "She's the one who went away."
"Yes, I did. They're all here too."
"Oh," the middle one said flatly, staring at her. "We don't want any trouble."
"Then don't make any. I'm in for Abby's wedding. I don't want to have to handle sitches this weekend."
They conferred then looked at Gibbs. "Watcher?" He nodded. "Gibbs?" He nodded again, smirking now. "Would you talk to the ones who are doing bad things?"
"Just give them a lecture or handle them?" Gibbs asked. "We're both in for Abby's wedding."
"They should only need talked to but they are stealing," the one in the middle said. "Like that movie with the turtles. They have made their own ninja gang."
Tony walked out to stare at them. "Is this a case or this an issue?"
"We would want them stopped, but not arrested if possible," the middle one said. "If they must be, so be it, but they will be handing it back if you present it right."
Tiff sighed. "Let's go scare them straight, Gibbs."
"Fine. DiNozzo, we'll be back soon." Tony nodded, making a hand motion. "No, stay. If we need help, we'll call."
"Oh, someone already told Xander to gag her. Twice," Tiff told him with a grin. "She told the officers she had helped save the city, she could be as loud as she wanted to be."
Tony walked off snickering to share that with the others. They took Tiff and Gibbs to the 'secret hideout', it even had a sign over the door, and let them bust in there to scare the crap out of the teenage demons. Within three hours they had carried everything to present to Greg and apologize for it before going back to their clan. Tiff and Gibbs went back to the hotel to shower and hit the bed for the night. She wasn't used to slayer situations anymore. She was used to military situations. Having one watcher instead of a team behind her was odd.
Abby looked outside her dressing room at the chapel, frowning. "Not now," she muttered, opening the window. "Are you here to get married?"
The demon bowed to her. "We wish you most happiness with your loud one, but we came to warn you that the demon who wants your husband and his playmates is here also, smart one."
"Aww, thank you. I'll warn him in a few minutes."
"Many happy blessings on your womb."
"Some year. Xander said we had to give him time to have some to make our child less geeky."
The demon leaned down to look at her. "His children are a scary thought to all of us, hellborn and not, smart one." He smirked. "There are many that would change planes if that child came to be."
"He said the same thing about mine."
"Many blessings and happiness then." He stood back up and walked off.
She shut the window, leaning out the door instead. "Tiff....."
"I heard and warned John already. Finish your hair, Abby."
She closed the door and went back to it.
"Why does a demon like us?" John asked in the hallway, walking up to where Tiff was guarding the bride.
"I have no idea. Maybe it's that stupid one in the hole?"
"Maybe," he admitted. "Though it seems to like Fargo with the way the last thing landed at his feet."
"It was neat to watch him hop around and throw a fit." They shared an evil smirk. "She's about halfway ready."
"He's shaking and unable to do anything. Mother?"
"Mother. You get his sister?"
"Of course. I'll get them both. You make sure he doesn't have to build anything too huge to get her back? And that we don't need Xander?"
He walked off happier. "Jeannie, his immense brain has now forgotten how to tie a tie." She huffed and went to help him. He looked at Abby's mother, who smiled and went to check on her daughter. "Girl rituals," he signed, getting a laugh and a nod from Abby's father. He went back to helping Rodney calm down. "Do I need to find liquor?" he asked.
"Again, this is not happening in your part of the country," Rodney complained, swatting at his sister to make her quit fussing. "I can tie my own tie."
"You haven't managed it in thirty minutes," John reminded him. "It's about time to go."
"Damn it," he muttered, finishing up and moving onto his hair. It needed to look nicer today. Jeannie huffed and pushed him into a chair, doing it for him. "I can..."
"Shut up, Meredith."
John put the ring down in front of Rodney. "Focus on that and how you'd have to special order another girl that fit you so well."
"I didn't know that someone was making robot brides," Jeannie teased.
"Xander, Abby, and Dean did build one for a returning spirit," John told her. "She's very sweet."
Jeannie shook her head. "I don't want to know. The more I hear about that Xander guy the more I worry about you guys being bored."
"Quite possibly," John admitted. Rodney was staring at the ring. "It's all cleaned, polished, all the stones are secure. I had the jewelry store in the hotel make sure," he promised.
Rodney looked at him. "Thank you."
"You're a lot less grumpy when you have Abby and sweets," he said with a smirk.
"Well, she is my sweet of choice," Rodney said. He looked in the mirror. "Jeannie!" he complained, taking the brush to undo the geeky hairstyle she had made him have. It got fixed and he stood up. "Deodorant, clothing, hair... What am I missing?"
"Teeth," they said in unison.
"I doubt she wants two-hour-old onion breath during that special kiss," John added. Rodney hurried to do that and not get anything on his suit. John heard a tap and looked out the door at Tiff. "She okay?"
"Better. Her mom got her calmed down. We're going to the room now."
"Coming. She's going to be hidden?"
"Huge screen out there for that purpose. That dress really does suit her very well."
"Cool. Will it go with his suit? He has a dark green one too."
"It's perfect." She smiled at Rodney. "Ten more minutes." He nodded. "Time to go." He walked out, John and Jeannie behind him, John pausing to grab the ring. Tiff smiled as she walked out to where Abby could see him but not be seen back. "You even picked complimentary colors without talking about it. You really are well suited to each other."
Abby smiled. "Thanks, Tiff."
"Welcome." She patted her on the hand. "Now, you remember that they put the electronic sign up so your parents don't need a translator, right?" She nodded, making sure her parents knew that. Her mother gave her a hug and went to sit down. "Time." Abby took her father's arms. Tiff took her flowers from their 'helper' from the chapel with a smile. "Thank you." She did one last check of Abby. Then she walked up to the door and opened it for them. She walked in. Rodney stared. She winked, moving to the end and into position.
Abby and her father walked up to the doorway. Rodney gaped in awe. She could tell it was awe, which made her happy. The sundress with the subtle blue flowers on the lighter blue background was adorable. A bit too girly for her but fairly nice. A bit flirty and showy according to Tiff but Rod apparently liked it. She walked up with her father, letting her father hand her over. She signed at him, getting a hug and a kiss on the cheek back. She turned to look at her boyfriend. "You sure? You're insane to want to live in my lab with me."
He smiled. "I think you're the insane one for wanting me, neurosis and all."
She grinned. "You're cute even with them." They turned to the minister. "Okay."
"We're gathered here to witness the merging of these two wonderful people." He smiled when they snuck a look at each other. The sermon wasn't long. It was sweet, which he had picked out saying she'd like that more. The ring was beautiful and she sniffled at the sight of it. It was a bit tight but it fit well enough. The kiss was slow, sweet, gentle, and interrupted by an explosion.
Tiff sighed and looked at John. "I stupidly didn't bring any weapons."
"I did," he offered. "I know better. Especially with Xander in the city."
Sure enough, Xander jogged in and gave Abby something. "The demon lord who just appeared from hell is very sorry and I know I'm not a slayer so let's not bitch. I did stop him wishing children on you too soon, and by the way, all of hell is very happy for you he said. It keeps McKay from creating problems that might not release the one trapped in the portal. Oh, and one last thing," he said, staring at McKay. "You hurt her, the slayers won't have a chance. Am I clear?"
"Quite but I have no intention of ever hurting her on purpose."
"Good!" He grinned. "So happy wedding night. The local demon casino is very happy and throwing a party in their club in your honor tonight. The hell lord is now gone. Oh, and Dean's here too." He waved at Tiff. "Relax, not needed."
"Like Georgia?" she asked.
"No." He smirked. "Like someone summoned because they wanted McKay for themselves to keep their very own super smart geek who can build bombs. Clornia's boss said that she did very good work." He beamed and left. "We'll be at the demon casino." He looked at John. "I convinced the same person that he didn't really want Radek either. He thought for sure the two of them would build the bio bombs he wanted. Then he could take over Radek's life and job." He closed the doors and left them alone.
Abby looked at Tiff. "Well... It's an interesting end to a wedding."
"I'm glad I didn't need weapons in this dress."
"Me too." She kissed Rodney again. "No one gets you but me, mister. Ever again. They take you hostage, the galaxy had better beware."
He sniffled. "I think that's the nicest offer I've ever gotten. No one's even threatened to destroy people for me. Because of me, but not for me." He kissed her again. "Come along, we have dinner waiting on us." They cheered and left. They could walk around the mess Greg's lab was cleaning up. He looked. "Much smaller than the one in Georgia from the tapes."
Abby stared. "Yeah, but he's a weenie." Greg snickered from where he was working, shooting her a grin and then a look of awe. "You like it?"
"It's a beautiful dress, Abby. Congrats. Many happy years working in the lab together making things to tease each other with."
One of his coworkers looked over. "Oh, hey. Aren't you guys...."
"On vacation," everyone said in unison.
"Gotcha. That insane guy Harris?"
"Demon casino," Tiff told him. "With the loud agent he was playing with."
"Maybe them doing reports will keep down the noise complaints tonight," Greg quipped. "Shoo, go do happy things." They ran off to the rental cars to head back to their hotel. "She's a very nice lady. Very sweet but she'll gut you with a toothpick if you upset her."
"That's probably good for them then," Warrick decided. "Why am I helping you do this?"
"Grissom said so."
"Oh, yeah." They finished up and the coroner took the body away too. Very quickly done. Not like they didn't know the cause of death. They even had the begging scientist that had summoned it. Harris had told him to turn himself in or he'd get to play with him. He had begged for a crowded cell full of people who would rape him night and day instead of facing off with Harris again.
Radek looked at John later that night. "Am I surprised that one went that far?"
"Jealousy has motivated people more than anything but war. I'm surprised it took him that long."
He took another drink of his beer. "I miss good european beers."
"I heard you guys have better beer." He smiled. "Think they're going to be asked to be less loud?"
"On their honeymoon? Even I know that anything goes that night." He smirked at John. "We should go serenade them like they do in the old country."
"He'd gut us," John told him. "She might do worse."
"True," he admitted.
"Boys, Rodney asked me to make sure they didn't get bothered tonight," Carson warned. "I'm to sedate you both if you get bad ideas."
"Fine, spoil our fun," John said with a slight pout.
"That fun, yes. Go pick up some easy, loose woman in the club, boys. Come home with something that will make House cackle in glee."
They smirked and went to do that. They were still dressed up from the wedding. It was something they both needed. Maybe they'd find some mortal goddess who would let herself be dirtied by them.
Tiff was walking down to the soda machine when she heard Rodney whimper. She paused by their suite's door, listening.
"You look like a virgin sacrifice," he moaned. "There's no altar, I have no intention of stabbing you in the chest with my knife, but you do need an altar."
"That's why the bed has pale gray silk sheets," she teased. "A fitting altar." He groaned, sounding like had lifted something too heavy. "Rod, you can't carry me that far, dear."
"Shut up, Abby. Yes I can." The sound of squeaking springs.
"I guess you can. You have a knife?" He let out a deeper groan. "I like that one even if it's not real sharp and pointy."
"I love it when you're in these moods."
"It was this or the leather pants, halter top, boots, hat, and fake whip."
He groaned deeper. "Oh, my love. Your naughty ideas do rot my mind away from scientific thought."
Tiff walked off shaking her head. She did *not* want to know! She called Xander. "So why did he summon a demon lord to take them?" She listened to his explanation and Clorina's giggling. "You did tell her the girls would have to approve of her, we're not giving you up so she has a really nosy family, and if she treats you wrong, we like weapons just as much as you do?" She smirked because he handed over the phone. "Dear, Tiff, one of the slayers. Yes, that one. You do realize that all of the slayers look at Xander like a big brother? That we will be meeting you, you will have to pass muster among most of us, and we do like weapons just as much as he does? He's taught us a lot about artillery."
Someone coming up the hall gave her a dirty look. "Shovel talk," she said with a wicked grin. "Exactly. So if you're going to debauch Xander, you'll have to do it for real, dear. No, three weeks is more than casual fun. If you flew all the way to Vegas to see him on a weekend off, then that's not casual. That's bordering on addicted. Exactly, and we do want to meet you. After all, he does background checks on our boyfriends. Sure, we can do that." She hung up and called Brenda. "It's Tiff. Clorina is coming in for lunch on Monday to meet most of us so we can approve or blow her to bits for teasing Xander evilly. Oh, so many problems but at least they waited until after the wedding.
"Then Xander promised to kill McKay horribly if he hurt her after telling her about the guy who's jealous of Radek summoning a demon lord to get them all for him. Yup, all three of them. No, we're here. They're making noises I'm not sure I want to know about," she admitted. "We did take tape, yup. Sure, see you Monday." She hung up and finished her trek to the soda machine. On the way back to her room she decided to say 'fuck it'. She was eighteen. She was in Las Vegas. She couldn't drink but she could still club and there was no way Ronon or John would stop her from finding a bit of fun in the clubs. If it was good enough for Dean, Xander, Sam, and a few of the agents, it was more than good enough for her. She went to change into the slinky dress she had found, then snuck out of the hotel. Ronon was outside looking around but she managed to get around him too.
But not Gibbs and Tony.
Tony spotted her and motioned her closer, giving her the once over. He opened his wallet and handed her something. "Use them or I'm telling House and Ronon."
"Yes, sir," she sighed.
Gibbs stared at her. "Be responsible, be practical, do not do things that will get you in the press, the morgue, or the police station." She nodded slowly at that. "You get caught drinking underage and I'm letting them keep you until Xander bails you out."
"Yes, Gibbs," she sighed.
"Don't go to the one near the Knights. Or Circus Circus, they're lamer," Tony said, "and for older people." She beamed. "Teenage and college aged kids clubs by UNLV or up the strip on the east end." She hugged him and went for a cab. He looked at Gibbs. "I remember her being angry, pouty, and nasty. She's changed a lot for the better."
"She has. She deserves a lot of credit for it." They finished their hike back to the resort. "Ronon."
"You look relaxed," he greeted. "John and Radek are in the club here."
"Tiff went to a college kid club." Ronon growled. "She's an adult, Ronon."
"Like your little sister, but she's more than old enough to pin some guy to the ground if she wants to. The same as you were at her age." Tony stared him down, getting a grumbling nod. "Good. Interrogate her tomorrow. I'm sure John will."
"Probably." He looked inside then at Tony. "That language they were using earlier with her parents?"
"They can't hear," Gibbs told him. Ronon nodded he got that part. "A few decades back, someone came up with a sign language for their use. It's not that hard to learn."
"It would help if we were captured as well?"
"It would," Gibbs agreed. "I've used it that way."
"Is it hard to learn?"
"No, there's classes, books, or tapes to learn it," Gibbs assured him. "If you ask the base you're on, they might have someone who can teach you or get you the books."
"That sounds worthwhile then." He smiled. "Thank you, though I will be making her sorry if she comes home like John did the last time he went to a club."
"She won't be able to drink. They check ID's," Tony said smugly.
"Even better. I don't like her finding some easy boy to pounce. It ruins her training."
"It seems to have helped Faith."
"Hmm. Buffy too," Ronon said with a growl and a smirk. "Thank you." He went inside to call her. She was bouncy, fashionable, but she pounced very well and understood what he had been through. The same as he understood her duty. Plus she fit very well in his lap because she was so tiny. It was easy to hold her up when he ran her into the wall to have sex too. He had to walk past the suite Abby and Rodney were using, shaking his head at the talk of sacrificial brides. Humans were strange sometimes.
Daniel found Xander walking in and stopped him. "At least you waited until the end of the wedding."
"It's not my fault the idiot pulled up a major demon to kidnap McKay, Radek, and Sheppard."
"He'd take her for other reasons he said. He wasn't sure which reason he wanted Sheppard for either, but he knew he wanted him as part of his geek trio."
"Oh." He grimaced. "Thank you for saving them."
"Clorina pointed them out."
"Uh-huh. How is that going?"
"Tiff told her she had to pass inspection with the girls. Unfortunately it won't be today. Her boss is sending her to Syria."
"I'm not. She's fun, but I wasn't getting that attached. She's a bit more wild than I am. I almost felt old. After four days of constant sex, my back ached. It never did that with Anya." He walked off shaking his head, heading to the infirmary. "House, are you getting too old to have casual sex if your back starts to hurt after four days of it?"
House stared at him. Wilson too. "No. Just the marathon sessions. Instead, take longer, Xander."
"Oh, good to know." He grinned. "It never ached like that after a week of Anya pouncing me. Though, Clorina is a bit more kinky than Anya was," he mused, considering it.
"Xander, do we need to make sure she didn't drug you or something?" Wilson asked.
"No, I get this from him a lot," House told him. "That's why a lot of demons think I've adopted him."
"Ah. That explains that thought," Wilson said, getting stereo glares from both of them. He just grinned back. "You can be a lot alike, guys."
"Casual sex is good as long as you're not tied down in a relationship but when you get older, you learn to take more time during the act and a few more naps between."
"We spent eight hours out of bed on Saturday."
"Uh-huh. Taking down what? I heard part of that story."
"She called me there because she found a case that lead back to a demon underground mafia sort of figure dealing bio weapons. She decided she needed to know more about the demons and didn't want to bother the local liaison."
"Uh-huh," House repeated. "So you went, worked the case, took an extra day, found someone stalking Zalenka had summoned a higher demon how?"
"It thought I was Sheppard for a few minutes. We were at lunch making sure nothing happened near the chapel so Abby could have a quiet wedding. Which she did until the thing started to summon minions to take them."
House pointed at his computer in his office. "Go do a report? Please?"
"Sure, should I do one with the gory details that made you cackle like the last one or without?"
"Do one with then edit for Daniel," he suggested. "That way we know if we need to look at your back, kid." Xander smirked and went to do that.
A few minutes later Jack Bauer walked in. "Is Xander hiding down here?"
"Doing a report," House told him.
"Xander?" Jack called. He leaned out of the office. "What did you do to Clorina? She's pouting at me."
"Nothing. She had to go on a case instead of coming to be vetted by the girls."
"She made a blood vow not to get hitched again," he told the younger guy.
Xander shrugged. "I'm not looking for marriage, Jack. You might warn her those can make her really sick if it stuck." He went back to his report. "Think you can proofread it since Fargo's going to squeak himself into an asthma fit?"
"Fine," Jack agreed. A few minutes later, Xander came out with the printed pages. He sat down to read it, blushing at some of it. He was a commando but, damn! "Does Daniel accept them with this sort of information?" he asked Xander.
"I usually end up giving him the edited version so he doesn't have to live on tums for a few hours," he admitted. "House gets the unedited ones."
"It's... interesting." He handed it back. "A few double negatives." He went back to his armory. It was a bit more sane than Xander this morning. Maybe, since Brenda was in there sniffling. "Please don't cry on the weapons."
"I'm not. She's mean and won't be in today."
"Her boss is sending her to Syria."
"Shoot, I wanted to threaten someone," she pouted.
"This is some strange hormone swing, Brenda. Go have Tony find you someone to threaten." She went to do that. He made sure she hadn't gotten anything on the scythes she was cleaning, putting them back in their special case. Maybe it was time for him to take a few days off to remember sanity. Someone he knew fondly strolled in. "Problems in Vienna?"
"Switched off because I'd rather handle problems here and there. Xander? Wes told me to check in with him," Gwen said.
"Infirmary editing his report for Daniel's consumption."
"That's cool. What happened this time? Nothing made the news from the airport."
"A jealous scientist summoned a demon to capture McKay, Sheppard, and Zalenka for him."
"During Abby's wedding to McKay."
"She didn't tell us?" she pouted.
"They snuck off to Vegas."
"Huh." She went to check on her buddies, finding Sheppard in the infirmary looking over the report. "Anything for someone with my significant and special skills to handle?" she asked.
Xander pulled her in for a hug. "Not anymore. Sorry, I didn't leave you any."
"Pity but there'll be others I'm sure." She looked at John, who was giving her an odd look. "She didn't tell us?"
"She didn't want a huge wedding. It was nice. We took film. Everything was perfect until the kiss. Then someone had to make something explode."
Xander shrugged. "It was the obsessed guy's puny bomb, not mine. He dropped it."
"What did you give Abby?"
"His power crystals."
"Is that helpful?"
"It means that no one can resurrect him or summon him back."
"That's very handy then." He handed back the report. "The edited version is a lot nicer. I didn't need the mental porn, Xander."
"I did," House told him. "Do we need to do a swab like we do most of the times Xander comes back from Vegas?"
"I only found one slutty girl," John said dryly. "I play cleanly, doc, but thanks for wondering."
"So does he but he still comes back with a UTI about every trip."
Xander shrugged. "Thank the disease blocking charm."
"Did that come off when Dawn removed the other spells on your balls?" House asked him, making Wilson moan. "She did."
"She did," Xander agreed. "As far as I know it didn't. Why?"
"Making sure you're not taking stupid chances," he said bluntly, staring him down.
"I know I'm not her first, House. We played very safely."
"Dental dam?" he asked.
"Um, nope. Can't stand the things. Most of those diseases you can taste or see." He grinned. "I promise, I didn't get anything from my commando. I listerined as soon as I was done with that portion of my fun entertainment."
Gwen stared at him. "She is?"
"She worked with Jack."
She walked off shaking her head. "At least she's a bad girl for a good reason." John snickered. She ran into Tiff, who was walking funny. "Warm bath," she advised.
Tiff gave her a hug. "I did. Still sore."
"First times can be that way," Gwen admitted. "Have fun?"
"It wasn't *great* or anything but it wasn't bad."
John stepped back to be in the hallway, staring at her. "We did take precautions?"
"Hell yes! I'm not going to end up off the project for spawning."
"Good." He smirked. "Should I be a nosy big brother?"
"Cheezy," he countered.
"Yeah, but I'm not one to make it special with flowers, a weekend away at a hotel, all that stuff." She shrugged. "It was good enough. The same as it is for many other people, you included."
He shook his head. "It should always be better than good enough for the first time," Gwen told her. "Good enough is like tepid tea." She smirked. "Go jump one of the guys in town."
"None of them can hit on me. Ronon growls."
"I'm sure he does," she said dryly.
"He's not the only one," Tiff said, waving a hand at John.
"Big brothers, huh? I'm sorry."
"I have a whole galaxy of people who've never seen a slayer so they're in awe of my strength and stamina and I still can't get any."
John shook his head. "You won't when we get back there either."
"Damn." She smiled at Chase as he came off the elevator. "I came for a painkiller."
He looked at how she was standing. "We were careful, didn't get torn, nothing like that?"
"I was a virg before then."
"Not that sort of torn."
"No, nothing that tragic. He wasn't that huge."
"Pity," Gwen said. "Tiny dicked and mediocre. What a sucky first time. I'll see if Jack can introduce you to anyone."
She blushed. "I don't need a bad boy like him or Xander," she complained.
Gwen shrugged. "Maybe he knows some nicer guys."
"Maybe. Make sure they're not loud like Xander's girlfriend? She about drove us off base."
"Damn," Gwen said in awe. Chase and John both laughed at her. "I've never been that loud."
"Stella said she hadn't either. Abby and Rodney didn't hear. They were apparently busy. Or being noisy themselves."
"Figures. They're cute together." She walked around her. "Take another warm bath while everyone's gone."
"I'm planning on it." John tossed her a bottle of painkillers. "Thank you."
"Welcome." He watched her get on the elevator so she could go back to her room. Then he shook his head. "Ronon's going to rant at her for doing that."
"He didn't seem like the sentimental girly sort," House told him.
John snickered. "He's not but he's a fantastically overprotective big brother for her."
"Every girl's got to get it sometime," House said dryly.
"He won't agree with you on that." He smirked. "Anything else I should know to protect Radek or anyone, Xander?"
"He begged to be in a nice prison cell and said he'd never go near Radek or McKay again. On penalty of all the slayers deciding he's a threat to them. Apparently he's scared of girls. He begged for a cell full of rapists after I said that."
"That was nice of him," House decided. "Out, go work." Xander brought up both copies of the reports. House shook his head, looking at Wilson. "I got one of those reports from him after that D&D game too. He had a lot of tavern wenches in that other realm."
"Uh-huh. Vicarious fun?"
"A lot," he agreed smugly. "So, how many ways can I blackmail you to stay?"
"Not many anymore."
House stared at him. "I could probably find something."
"Cuddy wants me back soon."
"Cuddy needs laid."
"She's thinking about a baby."
"Ewww. Even a cheezy one-night-stand would mean sleeping with her."
"I'm sure she's not a virgin, House."
"Then I pity the man. She'll probably bite his head off after sex."
"As far as I know she's not like that one woman you said Xander dated." He gave him a look. "You've made a good family out here."
"So?" He stared him down. "I know a few slayers who like spanking. I'll have them get you back if you leave. They won't mind when John spanks them for it."
"You used to be more sneaky," he said dryly. He stared at his friend. House was miserable right now. "Want to come with me?"
"I love it here. Even if we are away from a lot of civilization."
"You can come for a vacation. Cuddy wanted to know how you were doing."
"Maybe." Daniel walked in, going directly for the painkillers. "Fargo have a headache?"
"He's proofreading the more explicit version," Wilson said.
"Don't tempt me. Someone in congress wanted to know what he was doing in Las Vegas this weekend. I might send it to her." Daniel gave them an evil smirk.
House snickered. "I'm sure she'd enjoy that. Is she on the team of the one that put the contract out on his life?"
"Yup." He walked off with the vial, handing it over.
"The senator called back again," Fargo said, handing over that message before he could take the painkiller. "I thoughtfully finished proofreading Xander's report and sent it to her."
"The longer or the edited version?"
Fargo gave him a look. "There were two?"
"One had sex details."
"Um, that's the one she got."
"Then I'm sure she's having a fond time reading. Let me go be at my desk when someone calls to nag." He smirked. "Good job."
"Doctor Blake would've been mad."
"I don't care." Fargo snickered at that, shaking his head. "Sometimes you have to shut up paper pushers to do the job. Jack does a really good job of that too." He left, going back to his desk. He found the other Jack in there. "Booty call?"
"No. Eww." He got out of his seat. "Tony told me to answer it so he didn't have to."
Daniel sat down, looking at the amused looking man on the other side. The Chief of Staff of the White House. "Yes, sir?"
"It was the first draft, sir. Usually he removes all the personal information from them before I get them. It's part of why we have a proofreader in Fargo."
"I see. It sounds like he had fun."
"It would appear so, yes, sir. He even said he came home a bit sore."
"Wonderful. She's being assigned to a European section."
"To separate them on purpose?"
"No, she's needed to take one over."
"I'll let him know."
"She will I'm sure." He scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't think it was possible to do all that in one weekend. Even at his age."
"Hunting does give you incredible stamina. So does swordwork according to him, sir."
"Maybe I'll take up some fencing then. My wife might like it." He hung up.
Daniel looked at Jack. He pointed at the screen. "Yours?"
"Nope. Didn't even hint."
"Crap. Xander?" He came in. "The explicit version of your report accidentally got sent to DC."
He blushed a bit, ducking his head. "I'm sure it's livening up the zombie-like people's lives. Is it a problem?"
"No. The Chief of Staff said he might take up some fencing." Xander grinned. "Also, Clorina just got a promotion."
"I heard. It sucks but I heard. She's in Germany." He pouted. "That's not fair," he told Jack.
"I didn't do it. I may have had her recalled to duty so we could all get some sleep, but not that, Xander."
"Now who will play with me?"
"I don't know but hopefully they're less noisy," Daniel told him.
"Fine, I won't give great oral sex then."
"Thank you. Go pout at Tony. He was going to write some of his ex's for you." Xander went to tell the others. Horatio said a 'thank you, God' loud enough to be heard in Fargo's office. "I think it's nice people find faith when they run into him some days," Daniel quipped, cracking Jack up. Jack had to walk off shaking his head at that. Daniel got back to work. At least until the president called. "Yes, sir?" he asked, looking up from his crossword of the moment.
"Is Harris really that insane?" he asked politely.
"I read the report Fargo sent over."
"It was accidentally the expanded version."
"I can see that. I had someone call the liaison out there. Thirteen noise complaints?"
"After the second, apparently she told them she had saved the city, she could be as loud as she wanted, and produced her ID, sir."
"Are we sure he's not related to O'Neill?"
"As far as we know. I can have someone do a paternity check if you want, sir. Though, half the underground thinks that he's been adopted by Doctor House."
"I've heard that. Please do. So we know to make it mandatory he stay there, the ISC, or the SGC." He hung up again.
Xander leaned in. "I heard someone grumbling about me?"
"The president wanted to make sure you're not really related to Jack O'Neill. Go do a cheek swab with House for him."
Xander snickered. "I doubt he would've put up with my mother, Danny." He walked down there, finding Jack in his office. He hauled House in with him, making Chase give him funny looks when he grabbed him. "House, Daniel said you've got to do a DNA thingy because the president thinks he's my real daddy and you're just my adopted daddy."
Jack choked and spluttered, shaking his head frantically.
"And that's why I brought you instead of letting you hear then tell him."
House moved to help the poor man. "I doubt you are. You're too sane to have been his paternal donor." He went to get some swabs, coming back. "Open," he told Xander. He swabbed his cheek. "Open," he said, opening the other one.
"We're not," Jack complained but House stuck the swab in his mouth.
John walked in with a list. "Are we doing something screwy to all ATA carriers?" he asked.
"No, the president decided to be a smartass and thinks the brat there is my kid," Jack told him.
John smirked at him. "He's a hell of a soldier, sir." He looked at House. "If so, then maybe they'll leave him alone for a bit?"
"Probably not. Should we test you too since you get into Xander sort of trouble?"
"No thanks." House walked off smirking. He could traumatize Chase for hours with this one too. It was such a nice present.
"No, Cuddy, House said I can't come back yet," Wilson was saying in his office. "He said he'll have the slayers pounce me then tie me down."
"They're very good at it too," Chase told him. "Some have been practicing for years to snare a new boyfriend or a problematic demon."
"Hopefully without the slaying at the end?" Wilson asked dryly.
"Depends on the boy now doesn't it?" House added in with a smirk. "No, he can't come home because you let him date women that would like Xander."
Xander leaned in. "There's evil women who like oral sex in New Jersey?"
"I don't know about the oral sex part, but there's a number of evil women. I'm surprised you didn't hit on Cuddy, Xander."
"She was mean to you when she was here. When I was out there last time she didn't even notice my flirting attempts. Clearly she thinks that I'm not as good as I am."
House looked at him. "I still have no idea what you did to make those women so loud."
"If you were a girl, I'd show you because you're evil enough for me," he offered with a smirk.
Chase burst out cackling, having to run to the bathroom.
Wilson told Cuddy that, making her hang up suddenly. "She agreed I think. Or she passed out at the thought."
"If I was an evil girl, she'd want to go lesbian to play with me," House shot back with a smirk. Xander snickered at that. "Go tell Daniel that one."
Xander took the elevator up and walked down to Daniel's office, leaning in. "House said he had no idea why I made them get so loud. I told him if he was a girl I'd show him since he was evil enough for me, but he won't change, Danny. He wanted you to know because Chase isn't really fit to do much of anything at the moment."
Daniel waved him off. "Go work, Xander."
"No cases, boss," he said with a happy grin.
"Then help Philip with his demon sex research project." Xander nodded, going to call him from his desk. He looked at the person on his teleconfrencer. "Sorry, sir," he told the Chief of Staff. "Xander's mind is in a strange, bad place."
"I've met your Doctor House, Daniel. He'd make a very good evil girl for your Xander." He licked his lips while thinking. "But I think the world might end. Let's not give any witches any incentive to see if they can do that. All right?"
"Gladly. Did the senator who was complaining about him in Vegas stop complaining?"
"I think she's sharpening her stiletto heels so she can attract him. She is a bit pushy and bitchy," he admitted. "Think he might like her?"
"Isn't she married?" He nodded. "Then you can tell her Xander doesn't poach or break into couples."
"Pity. Maybe she'd be happier after a weekend of tainting that way." He hung up and went to share the joke with his boss. Who cackled so hard the Secret Service guys were giving him worried looks while fingering their emergency buttons. He noticed the two frontrunners of the next election there while he was calming down. "Jokes from Jackson out at DCIS."
"Report that got sent before it was edited for personal information."
"I've heard," one of them said dryly. "They're all insane out there."
"Better there than the FBI, CIA, or any other project," the other guy said. "Especially since I know the project Jackson came from and it was just about as insane as this one."
The current president wiped his face off, smiling at him. "Someone joked and said that Jackson should set up Harris and that Anise person."
"I've heard about her from the reports. That's probably not a good idea for our security."
"Maybe he'd make her less evil like he did that one agent who was supposed to kill him," he offered. "I know he was seeing Clorina, who worked with Bauer, until she got posted to Germany this morning."
"That would explain that report," the other guy said dryly. "Jackson's old project?"
"Unless you got cleared to be on the oversight panel or you get my job, you never heard of it," the president told him simply. He nodded at that. "We have that talk about who's where and what's going on so we have a simpler handover, don't we?" They both nodded. "That's fine. Let's get some milk. I never really liked milk until I took this job. Now I have a glass every few hours. Some world leaders are crankier than that star on tv with the yappy dog."
The other two snickered. They'd find out some time.
Sam Winchester woke up screaming from a vision. He hadn't had one of those in a while. He panted, rubbing his eyes. Someone pounded on the apartment door before rushing in. Xander. He let the guy soothe him into calming down. "Dean?"
"Faith's room." He sat across from him. "I felt one start. I had to get a tape recorder," he soothed, stroking his arms. He turned it on. "What did you see, Sam?"
Sam sighed, looking at him. "It's going to be very bad. That base assault is going to be the thing that hardens DCIS," he said quietly. "There's going to be deaths."
Xander sighed but nodded. "I know. Tell me what you saw?"
Sam nodded, looking down again as he started to talk.
To Part 49
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