Note: Set long before the epilogue in story 2 of arc 2. So the main base is still in Colorado.
The Incidences of The Blippy Dohickey 2: Mentally Cracked Vacations.
Evan Lorne looked around the city below them. The hotel Radek had picked was very nice. It had great views. They were being sneaky because Radek wanted to have Xander introduce him to his former life. Not that he hadn't snuck and viewed the life review Rodney had done. He had. They both had actually while Xander was down with his hip injury. They both felt it would be good if Xander worked some of that out so he could quit being so insecure now and then.
Not that he didn't have reasons. Even on his trip he had his reasons. So they were in LA. It was a pretty city. Xander had only grimaced and tried to hide the light panic when they decided to visit LA on their way back to the main base. He had hid it pretty well but they had noticed the slight case of watching around them harder. They'd have to see what became of it.
Xander yawned as he came out of the bedroom, hugging Evan from behind. "Morning."
"Morning." He turned to get a kiss, smiling at him. Xander was staring over his shoulder so he looked too. "I doubt that's Mira," he said at the flying creature they could see over the water.
"No, probably not." He shrugged it off and took another kiss. "It won't bother us."
"If you're certain."
"I am." He smiled as he took another kiss. "So, are we heading further east today?"
"I thought we'd take a few days, explore a bit," he offered.
Xander stared at him. "What did you two want to see?"
He smirked. "We thought you might like to see some familiar places."
"Sunnydale's a few hours away."
"We know." He took another kiss. "Totally up to you what you show us."
"I've never really explored LA. A few day trips, a school trip once."
"We can check on Joyce. You talk to her a lot to make sure how she's doing," Radek said as he joined them from the bathroom. His hair was still wet and he was shirtless, only a towel around his hips.
"That would mean a trip to Sunnydale and it couldn't be that long because it's dangerous to stay there after dark."
"We can rent a car so no one touches the bike," Evan said with a wink. Xander smiled at him for that. They had decided to rent a sidecar for whichever one wasn't curled up behind Evan's back. They got to hold the backpacks too. "Did we check on Armand?"
"He's fine. He's sucking up to Dawn at the moment. Harry stole him to her when she brought Kavanagh over to study the rift."
"Ah." They cuddled around Xander, who decided to let them go with him to Sunnydale. They packed enough stuff for an overnight just in case and headed out. Radek informed the desk they might be back very late or stay over somewhere that night. Xander took them to a small shop in the city since he hadn't packed weapons. Evan had even made him leave his necklace with the miniature weapons on base with Faith.
The crew on Nila had been very good. They had called up with a problem that first day and then Xander had answered the problem. They decided they were going to solve the problems themselves by being adults and not fighting for a change. It was nice. Though most of them were probably worried about Xander taking out any frustration at lost relaxation time on them.
Evan looked around the store, then at Xander. It was a cute antique store. He had no idea why they were there. And the green and orange person with four eyes behind the counter only made him blink. "Secret passage back there?" he guessed.
Radek looked at a vase. "This is a good copy," he told the owner. "It is marked wrong. My mother has an original."
The demon running the store smiled at him. "I know but most people in LA only want the appearance of antiques. It makes them feel more wealthy than they are." Xander came out from walking behind Evan and he swallowed. "Knight."
"Hey, Huey." He grinned. "These are my boys, Evan and Radek."
"I saw the one with you at the invasion," he said with a nod for him.
"Radek's a major brain. An astrophysicist."
The demon shifted with a quiet moan. "A new team?"
"No, he's our boy," Evan said with a smug look. "Former friend from town?"
"No, he probably came to pick up something for Buffy."
"We are headed that way," Xander admitted. "And Evan made me leave all the weapons behind."
The demon gaped in awe at Evan. "You got him to leave without weapons? What did you do to his mind?"
"I made him squeal in pleasure until he gave in," he said smugly.
"Then I got him," Radek agreed.
The demon moaned more loudly this time. "You are both clearly good for the boy. Not even Anya could get him to quit playing with weapons." He let them into the back room. "Axes are on the right, Harris, the others are all swords."
Xander stared at him. "I can use guns."
"Summers hates guns, still. Even the military guys up there have been convinced of that."
"That's fine. We can still have a personal carry." He went to pick some out, and found two new axes he adored. One was ancient from a time period he didn't have one from. The other was more modern and cute. Cheap but cute. "Wall quality," he decided, putting that one aside. He could order from fan catalogs if he wanted to. The ancient one had a blade flaw so he pouted. That meant he couldn't use it in a fight. He decided he needed a new decorator axe anyway so he got a more practical one he could make pretty later on. He was drawn to one in a corner, looking under the tarp. "Toth's hammer," he said, reading the tag. "No thanks." He got away from there and found an axe in a locked spot. "Does this one move on it's own?" he called.
"It won't get me." He touched it and nodded at the frantic voice. "Want me to try an exorcism? She'd like out."
"If you want," Huey said, coming back to look. "She's not worth much. It's a lady's axe."
Xander nodded, doing the exorcism. The spirit floated off and he adjusted the price tag. Xander got given another one and it was heavy. Caked in dings and rust. "Why?" Xander asked, looking it over. It was well-balanced. It felt good in his hand.
"She needs attention and care. I figured you could rehab her. Supposedly she's got some pretty carvings underneath all that."
Xander picked at a piece of crud on the blade, finding some black tracings underneath it. "Huh. Maybe." He went to pick out guns, handing Evan something heavier than his base weapon. "They're more silent and less recoil." He got his own and went to check out. Radek came out with his own, getting a kiss. "Stakes?"
"And a bag," he said, handing one over. "Since you're spending so large today," Huey finished with a smile.
Xander snorted. "I spent three-quarters of a mil in a brothel and on porn in a week," Xander said.
The demon gaped. "Anya was bad for you, man."
"In some ways, yes." He grinned at Evan. "He complains about my stamina sometimes too."
Evan nodded. "She did bad things to his endurance." They all got checked out went to the rental car. A modest looking sedan. They stopped for lunch on the way up at a little drive-in that had wonderful burgers according to Xander. He had to agree and Radek was moaning during his own. So it was good for them. They got to Sunnydale just after 2. Xander directed them to the gallery. He got out and they followed. Joyce was in her office staring at things. He cleared his throat.
Joyce looked up. "Xander!" she squealed, getting up to hug him. "Oh, you're back!"
"Still on assignment but visiting," he offered. He gave her a squeeze. "Much more healthy." She pulled back to look him over "These are Evan and Radek, my boys."
She looked at them, shaking their hands. "I will have my daughter kill you if you treat him wrong. Right after I have Willow turn you into something slimy so Buffy doesn't have to worry about hurting humans." They both smiled at her for that. She looked Xander over again. "You haven't lost weight."
"No, they feed us pretty well on the city." He sat down beside her on the couch in her office. The other two went to look at things. "You know that city with the special labs?"
"I have seen that on the news."
"I'm the geek-to-military liaison and chief linguist there."
"Evan is our military head and Radek's chief scientist."
"Even better." She gave him another squeeze. "Are you here long enough for dinner?"
"Yup, and we brought supplies in case we got caught here after dark," he assured her with a grin.
She beamed back. "Excellent. Let me call around."
"I was going to bring them to the Magic Box and scare the crap out of people."
She giggled. "I'll meet you there in a few minutes. We'll go out to dinner?"
"I can afford dinner," he assured her.
"As can I," Radek promised. "I never get a chance to use my paycheck these days." She smiled at him. "The new boyfriend or husband should always pay on the first meeting of the parents." She giggled and nodded she'd accept that.
"We can do this Sunnydale style and go to the buffet," Xander told her.
She shrugged. "That would be fine but their quality has went down."
Xander smirked. "The old owners lost it?"
"Yes," she complained. She patted him on the hand. "Eleanor's is still open."
"That'll work. It's casual." She smiled and he got up. "Let us go to the Magic Box to scare people. They wanted to meet Anya." He gave her a wicked smirk. "Then we'll sightsee so tell us when it's time."
"I can do that." She kissed him on the cheek and they left her to finish up for the day. "They are very cute young men," she decided. "Radek seems a bit older than I thought though."
Xander navigated on the way to the Magic Box, which was up the street. He walked in and everyone paused. "What?" he demanded. "Am I mythical?"
"Yes," Buffy said with an evil look. She saw the two behind him. "Your military team?"
"My boyfriends. This is Evan and Radek."
She gaped. "Faith didn't say you had *two*! It's not fair you have two, Xander. You're taking too many."
Evan smirked. "It takes both of us to make him happy."
She shook her head. "Probably done to him by Anya." Radek gave her an odd look. "You'll be meeting her soon I'm sure. She's out for coffee so I'm shop watching to make sure nothing suddenly wakes up and walks out."
Xander looked at something. Then he reinforced the spells on it. "It was only halfway there." She moaned. "So, saw your mom." He came down to lounge beside her. They got the other couch. "We're having dinner tonight at Eleanor's."
"That's wonderful. A bit messy but wonderful food," she assured the guys with a smile. "Willow's back."
"How?" he asked.
"They have her on a leash."
She smirked. "She's not that evil now."
"Uh-huh. Did she find ethics?"
"Yup, they apparently bonded her with a witch who was a prude. The prude's spirit didn't even like her being with Tara so Tara banished her for a few days. They came to an agreement." She smiled as Giles walked in and walked past them.
Xander stared. Giles came out of the office looking confused about five minutes later. "I didn't imagine you," he said. He pulled him up to hug him. "How are you?" He looked him over. "They certainly feed you well enough."
Xander smirked. "Yes, but the boyfriends help make sure I don't get fat."
Giles looked at them. "I see." He looked them over. "If you should hurt him, I will make sure the depths of hell welcome you with open arms after a *very* long discussion, gentlemen."
Buffy snickered. "They're not evil sorts, Giles. Evan and Radek are very good guys according to Faith. She likes them like big brothers and even during that spored thing they didn't even look at her."
"That's even better," he decided, giving Xander another hug. "In for a long visit?"
"Maybe overnight. We're having dinner tonight."
"That's good. Where? The buffet has been falling down on quality recently."
"Eleanor's," Evan said.
"That's a wonderful place," he agreed. He let the boy sit down between his boys again. He smiled. "Anya was only a few minutes behind me," he warned. He smiled at Buffy. "Has he seen your mother?"
"First," Evan said.
"Excellent. She might've beaten you all if he hadn't." Willow and Tara walked in next talking to each other. "Ladies, we do have guests tonight."
"Hunters in to talk about what happened in LA again?" Willow asked. Giles pointed. "Xander!" she squeaked, staring at him. He smirked and wiggled his fingers. "You're back? Like for good?"
"Like for maybe overnight."
"Oh." She pouted. "We'd like to have you closer."
"We're on that floating lab city," Evan told her. "Not that far away."
"Good. Though I'm not sure what Xander would be doing in labs."
"Xander is an excellent botanist," Radek told her. "He is also our chief linguist and our geek-to-military liaison. He stops a lot of prank wars before they get started."
Tara smiled. "It's good to see you again, Xander."
He got up to hug her. "You too, Tara." She beamed at him. He looked at Willow. "Let me guess, she's swearing about the coven?"
"I think she used to be part of your coven and yes, she's swearing about not getting too close to you." She shrugged. "I don't know why." The spirit inside her told her. "Oh!" She smirked. "She thinks the witches would make you try to breed with her if she was still around."
"I'm infertile," he said bluntly. "And the only two carrying any babies from me would be Evan and Radek." He gave her an evil look. "We found a machine for that."
Giles shuddered at the thought. "How horrifying. Did you trip it? Should we be looking for future nieces or nephews?" he asked his boys.
"Two guys on Faith's team tripped it," Evan said smugly. "Not us. We made sure and Xander nearly danced at not being hit this time."
"Thank god," Buffy sighed. "I'm not ready to be an aunt yet."
Xander came back to sit between his boys again. "You'll make a fine babysitting and shopping aunt, Buffy."
"Hopefully some year in the future," she said bluntly.
"I'm still infertile," he said dryly. "Too much hellmouth radiation."
"Oh, I never considered that," Giles admitted.
"Plus the mermaid taint did not help any," Radek said, running a hand down Xander's arm. "We are going to dinner tonight, yes?"
"Yes," Xander agreed with a grin. "I was going to show them around town, guys, then we were going to meet at Eleanor's." They all nodded at that so they left to go sightsee.
Willow finally got to relax. "Mismira is seriously scared to death of him. He's powerful apparently."
"He did have a lot of time to study," Tara said quietly.
"She nearly flinched at Dawnie," Buffy reminded her.
"This is three times the freakout she had at Dawnie."
"Ooooh. So hey, maybe the two guy thing is working out for him. Anya?"
"I think she's lurking," Tara said. She looked. "Yeah, she pounced them." She opened the door slightly.
"Of course you came back to give me orgasms, Xander. You're in town and we used to date, plus I haven't had any in a while," Anya's voice said, loudly.
"No, he's ours," Evan said. "He only gifts those to us now, Anya."
"That's no fair and I can give him things you two can't. Ass sex can't be as fun as I am."
"Bet me," Xander told her. "I enjoy it a hell of a lot." She squeaked. He sounded smug. "Radek knows *just* where my spot is and enjoys tormenting me many times a night with it. Then Evan gets to play."
"Shoot." She stomped in and kicked the door shut. "Giles, make Xander give me orgasms again!" she complained. "He's mine!"
"You two broke up," Buffy reminded her.
"They're his now, Anya. He's moved on," Giles said firmly.
"I would even get between them so they could still have him."
"He's only in until after dinner," Buffy told her. "Then he's going back to the military thingy he does."
"Poo." She pouted all the way into the back room to sulk while petting the pretty things the store had.
All the women shook their heads. Giles just sighed and cleaned his glasses on the way back to the office. It was all you could do when Anya was in one of those moods.
Radek waited until they were farther away to look over at his boys. "She was quite demanding."
"Often," Xander agreed. "But she was nice to me. Didn't try to kill me. Just wanted sex and presents. Liked to talk about her past life."
"We should set her and Daniel up. He'd probably love to get a life history on her," Evan said.
Radek looked at him. "Are you ill?"
Xander snickered. "He might academically but he'd probably have to go have beers with Jack to clear his mind afterward."
"Perhaps," Radek said, checking both their foreheads. They weren't running a fever so he'd see how the rest of the visit went. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. They got shown around the town, including the college. It was a small, charming town. The people were friendly for the most part. All smiling and happy. By dinner Radek was sure this town had the world's highest rate of prescription anti-depressants given out.
Dinner went well. Everyone got to know the guys. Jack's guys showed up near the end to gather Buffy for patrol. They decided to join her on it for old time's sake. She glared at the guns but Xander scowled back so she dropped it. Fortunately Xander had them load with special bullets so they weren't helpless when they were attacked.
Evan laid back in their motel room bed later that night. It was two. He was exhausted. They had only gotten in an hour ago, after three hours of patrol. It was so much worse than any they'd had in Pegasus. Wraiths had nothing on real vampires. Who all seemed to want to keep Xander for themselves. Xander was comfortably using him as a pillow. Radek was on Xander's backside. Evan was on guard. The attacking demons had wanted to kill Buffy and the boys Jack had sent to her in Xander's place. They had wanted to keep Xander. He had no idea why.
Xander blinked up at him. "They want me to be their queen," he said quietly but sarcastically. "They think I'll be the one who'll get Buffy." Evan shuddered, shifting to cuddle him. "It's fine, I promise."
"If you're so sure."
"I am. I put wards on the doorway. Unless they take the whole motel, we're good tonight."
"That's good to know." He let the boy snuggle in better and was comforted. Even when the demon tried to set fire to the motel to get some free snacks. Which Xander killed while the fire department swore and worked. They all seemed to ignore the demon like he wasn't there, and Xander beating him to death was ignored just as much. When Buffy showed up, they ignored her too. Even when Evan shot the thing in the head, killing it, they still ignored all that.
Yeah, they were not coming to Sunnydale ever again.
Over his dead body. Maybe not even then, even if they did have to hunt down his zombie.
Xander's phone beeped with a text message. He grimaced, flipping it open to call him. "Why did you just call a 911?" he asked patiently. He listened to the information and winced. "Who?" He nodded. "I'll be right there. General, we'll be needing O'Neill in a few hours," he said bluntly. He blipped back to Nila, looking at the being that had been caught and electrocuted. "Are we sure it's dead?" he asked, looking it over.
"It quit demanding we die," Calvin Kavanagh offered dryly. Xander glared at him. "Rumors state that you know what this is beyond knowing that tv show that probably pisses him off?"
"Quite," he said dryly. He called someone else. "Ianto, good. I need a quarantine set up and I need Jack to get every other companion still on this planet in one area now." Jack took the phone to demand why. "You remember me complaining about the scientist that wanted to turn Nila into a Tardis?" he asked dryly. "Well, he struck again and I'm looking at a dalek." Jack spluttered. "I need a quarantined area, Jack. Dead. I think. Yeah, well, since he's off playing somewhere with what's-her-name the succuba wannabe, it's kinda the companions' job, right?" He smirked. "Sure, you can tell them I pulled rank all you want, Jack. Let me know when it's time." He hung up, looking around then at his minion again. "Anything else? Sontorans, floating balls, Ood?"
"Floating balls?" he asked. "Talks in a childish voice?" Xander nodded quickly. "We have them trapped in a room but we weren't sure what they are since they're sentient."
"Evil. There was a paradox involved with them. Don't worry about it. Any other odd disturbances?"
"A blonde ponytail," he offered, holding it up.
Xander took it to look over and sense. "Someone's trying to call Rose back," he said dryly. "Okay. Let's get this to them and then we'll take them all to Jack." He nodded, helping him carry the heavy metal trash can looking thing. "Stupid bastards," Xander muttered, getting a laugh back. He saw the curious looks. "I want this fucking idiot in chains when I call for him," he told Calvin. "Begging is fine. We had to stop him a few times on Atlantis. Even the Doctor stopped him a few times." He got them into the room with the two floating balls. "I wanted to blow you guys up *so* bad," he told them. They made pouty noises. He nodded Calvin to leave and set the movement area of the spell then sent them to Torchwood.
Jack stared at what appeared around Xander, waving him to blip out of the containment field. Xander did and he sighed. "I hated those things," he said, staring at the flying balls. "You weren't with us then."
"No, I was in my human life and I kept asking why I couldn't blow the shits up," he said bluntly. They shared a look. "Since he's off.... watching nova patterns the last I heard....." Jack snickered. "I'm figuring they might be panty nova patterns, not real sure." He handed over the braid. "This came too."
Jack looked at it then at him. "Rose?" he asked. Xander nodded. "Doc'll be pissed as hell."
"He's not the only one."
"You can blow up those flying brains this time," he offered.
"No I can't. The laser's in the armory. Evan locked it in there before we left. You'd have a faster chance of getting to it." He dialed his phone. "Nila, it's Xander. Are there any other beings that the idiot brought across? Or anything else that might look like a subspace or other sort of temporal fluctuation?"
"There appears to be two other beings who do not belong here, Xander, but I am not sure what they are," Atlantis answered.
"On you or on Nila?" Jack asked.
"Oooh, Captain!" Atlantis squealed. "It is very good to hear from you again."
He grinned at the phone. "I miss seeing you two ladies as well. What sort of beings?"
"They look a lot like bears but they have scales?"
"I know what those are," Xander sighed. "Atlantis, teleport them to my current location as given by my phone?"
"Of course I can."
"Thank you. And send General O'Neill in about twenty minutes please?"
"I can warn him of that, Xander. You have a better day and if the Doctor shows up, give him our affection."
"Of course we will," Jack assured her.
"Thank you." She hung up. A minute later, two scaley bears appeared. Ianto activated the quarantine over them.
Xander looked at him. "Who couldn't you get?"
"Martha's on her way. Mickey's with her. I don't know if you met him."
"Once I think. We don't have Donna anymore," he sighed. "Any others?"
"I never met her." He looked at Ianto, who pulled up a picture. "Cool beans. Be right back." He handed over his phone and disappeared. "Sarah Jane," he said, landing behind her. She flinched and turned around, reaching for something on her desk. "Chill, lady. I'm Xander. I traveled with him sometimes too. We have a problem for the Companions to deal with since he's off somewhere else."
"What sort of problem?" she demanded. "When did you travel with him?"
"I met him a few times when he had Rose, when he had Donna. Jack and I were with him a few times. Faith, when he had my team leader for a bit. Long story." He grinned. "C'mon, we're having a conference of companions."
"What happened?" her son demanded. "I saw you during that invasion."
"Yes you did," he said dryly. "Actually, I'm on that city with the labs as well. Can you handle stuff for an hour or so? We gotta steal your mom." The kid looked old enough to babysit himself for a bit.
"Fine," he sighed. "I'll nuke dinner."
"I made stuff frozen," Sarah Jane ordered. "Do not fry a single thing."
"Yes, mum." He hurried off.
She gave him a dirty look. "What is this important?"
"We have a scientist that decided we should have some bad guys who can pull him back here." He took her hand and blipped them both back, letting Jack have her once they landed to get her stomach settled. Dawn handed her a rice krispy treat. "Thank you." He kissed her on the head. "Go do stuff."
"Fine. Annoying big brother. What are they?"
"They are Dalek and what the Master had," Jack said grimly. "I hate those things."
She gave him a hug. "It'll be okay. You and Xander can blow them up together this time." She left, taking Gwen and the others with her. Gwen by pulling on her. They shut the door.
"Send Martha when she gets here," Jack yelled once the door was shut. "Better?" he asked her more gently.
She nodded. "That is not a good ride, young man."
Xander grinned while letting her steal part of the rice krispy treat - they were good for upset stomachs. "Sorry. It's attuned to my screwed up energy. Jack's band was a smoother travel but mine's more accurate." She gaped in horror, then at Jack, who nodded.
"It got stolen from me and a demon gave it to him. He set it off by accident."
"For seven thousand years worth of very ...interesting travel experiences," Xander finished dryly. She shuddered. "Should've seen the Doc drunk during a May Day celebration we caught in the Celtic times." She gaped in horror again. He just smirked.
"I don't want to know," Jack assured him firmly. "Get the idiot."
Xander left, gathering the idiot. "Thank you. Anything else found?"
"Two things," Kavanagh said, pointing at the boxes. "We had the pro-tem military head search his quarters. He made those and there was a small thing on one of Nila's engines. It's in the second crate."
Jack O'Neill flashed in. "What the hell happened, kid?" he demanded coolly.
"This idiot, who wanted to make Nila a Tardis, brought bad guys," he said dryly. "Nila, beam us and the crates please? Including the idiot." She flashed them there. "There. Jack, they found those in his quarters. One was on one of Nila's engines." Jack and Sarah Jane got into the boxes with O'Neill's help. Xander handcuffed the moaning guy to a chair and went to check on the bears. One grunted at him. He grunted back and the bear tried to lunge but got shocked. Xander stared back. "I told you not to try it." The other growled and tried to lunge. Xander summoned his tranq rifle and shot them both. They took a very quick nap. He walked back to the boxes. "So," he said dryly. "Martha?" he asked when she walked in. He put the rifle against the table in there.
"Xander." She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Did you get to meet Mickey?"
"Few times," he said, shaking his hand. "Yes, I'm back to normal again."
"He always wondered if you would."
Jack looked at him. "He made sure of it." They laid out the two machines. "Any idea, Xander?"
Xander pointed at the smallest one. "That's a shrunken version of a paradox engine."
"Shit," Martha said then covered her mouth. "Sorry. Didn't mean to let that slip out. General."
"Doctor Jones." He shook her hand. "Xander, he's technically military property."
"No he's not. He's part of the people that signed onto the program through UNIT."
"Oh." He looked at him. "You sure?"
"Yeah. I looked him up after the Doctor had to take that first paradox engine, and then we had to take it a few more times. Then the other time he had to get stepped on by the Doc." He handed Martha the ponytail.
"Oh, dear, that's Rose's," she said, looking at them. "Isn't she stuck in another dimension?" They all nodded. "How?"
Xander pointed at the engine. "That would've opened things I think. Hence the little things with the dalek." She looked and blanched, taking a step back. "Yeah, so I think it's our job as companions to deal with this shit since he ain't here."
"Yes it is," Jack Harkness agreed. "And the general needs to be involved because he's technically his minion of stupid."
"Exactly," Xander agreed, sitting down. "So.... Do I need to get Rodney? Or Radek? That might take longer. He was taking a nap while I had the meeting with Landry over my translators for the upcoming civilian scientists coming in."
Martha went to look. "I don't know what the other two do." She glared at the scientist tied to the chair. "What do they do?" she asked calmly.
"I know who you are," he said smugly.
Xander patted him on the head. "So do I." He smirked when the guy stared at him. "So does Kissen actually. Unfortunately he's busy." The scientist shrank back. "I can get Faith to join in if we need another opinion," he offered to Jack.
"No, that's fine. Though Dawn might like to see her again." Xander texted her and she got sent. "Hey, Faith."
"Jack, General J." She nodded at them. "Who.... I've seen pictures."
"Martha Jones, and this is Mickey," she said with a smile, shaking her hand. "I heard you traveled with the Doctor as well."
"For a bit, yeah." She smiled and shook Mickey's hand. "And...."
"Sarah Jane Smith," she said, smiling and shaking her hand. "The Doctor certainly picks for beautiful and smart."
Faith blushed, shaking her head. "I'm pretty but tough. The female version of Jackie there."
Jack looked at her. "I can teach you how to use my band if you need to know," he offered.
"No," Jack O'Neill ordered. "No time traveling devices without authorization. I still have nightmares thinking about McKay getting his back."
"He really did need a better power supply," Xander said dryly. One of the bears snuffled, drawing attention. Xander smirked at her. "Since he's somewhere watching nova patterns with the anti-Buffy...." Faith cackled at that. "Doesn't she remind you of her?"
"Yes!" She leaned on Mickey's shoulder. "Exactly."
"Should've met Rose," Jack said dryly. "She and Buffy... Well, Rose was less spoiled now and then but otherwise, a lot alike in the ways that count."
"And blonde," Jack agreed dryly. He swatted at Xander. "What are the bear things?"
"I ran into one but the Doctor just walked us away," Sarah Jane admitted.
"They put out human drawing pheromones so they can hunt us as toys and food," Xander told them. They all groaned. "Not really nice as a species. Though, not covered on that show that you prompted, Jack."
"I did not," he lied. He looked a bit nervous.
Sarah Jane waved a hand. "Could be worse, Jack. At least he laughs at some of those." She glared at the scientist, who shrank down. "So how did he know?"
"I think it just generally pulled people or things that the Doctor had dealt with," Xander admitted. "I ran into a few of those. Had to escape the hunting preserve and get my bracelets back." Jack shuddered. "That was after I got mine and yours was safely stored."
"Wonderful!" He stared at him. "How are you doing anyway?"
"We're good," he admitted with a smile. "On vacation right now. I'm not officially due back until tomorrow. We were going to have dinner out tonight."
"Let's kill the evil things and then beat the other guy to death then," Mickey said sarcastically.
"That's a plan I like," Faith admitted. "X?"
"Definitely on the evil things. The scientist.... I'm mean enough but not creative enough. Besides, their bodies would be Torchwood or UNIT issues."
"True," Martha admitted, looking at them. "Jack, do you have room?"
"Yeah, this new center has a lot more room," he told her.
"How did you get this new center?" Martha asked. Jack pointed at Xander. Who only grinned at her. "You knew?"
"I knew why Three got torn down," he admitted. "After it got nuked." They all shuddered. "We stepped into that one. That's why Ianto did a very good book inventory for me." They all groaned at that. Jack O'Neill shook his head. "So, see, even better than everyone thought," he told his boss smugly.
"Good, kid. Thank you." He looked at the bears. "They're getting up."
"They'd only eat the girls. We'd be toys," Xander told him. Jack shuddered. "So, laser?" he guessed, looking at Jack.
"Won't work on the Utopians."
"Utopians?" Sarah Jane asked. Martha told her about the Year That Wasn't.
"I spent most of that year working in the resistance and asking why I couldn't blow the fuckers up," Xander told her. "Buffy was not amused."
Jack smirked. "Trade ya."
Xander stared at him. "Sure. But then he would've recognized me at the last one."
"True. Probably would've been worse." He shuddered but Xander patted him on the back, earning a smile. "Thanks, kid."
"I'm older than you," he said in a sing-song voice with a grin.
"Don't remind me. The Doctor is still upset with that information."
"Not my fault your band went screwy."
"It works for me."
"Boys, don't make me spank," Faith warned. One of the bears hopped up and started to beat on the wall. She walked over. "Sit down and shut the fuck up," she ordered. The bear growled and lunged. The containment field went down. She got that one down and stabbed within a few moves. The other tried to attack but Jack shot it. "Thanks."
"Welcome," he said, putting his gun up. He looked her over. "They get you?"
"Drool. Eww but it happens. A lot of beings like to drool on me."
Xander nodded. "I know some scientists that need buckets when you wear those new leather pants."
"Hmm. Not sure they could stay up in the stamina department, boytoy."
He shrugged. "Take one for a test drive if you want, Faith. Then he could pout and discourage the others."
"Maybe later. When I'm not...entwined." Xander smirked at her. "Keep it up."
"Armand still wants to pack him."
Jack shook his head. "You guys do insane things. Back to the topic at hand please?" The others snickered. "So we kill them then we figure out what to do with the putz," he said. They all nodded and Xander got to kill the Utopians. Jack got the dalek taken apart to make sure it was dead. Then they stared at the scientist and threw out ideas.
Dawn strolled in and looked at him. "Is this the guy that sent that massive energy wave I had to cancel out earlier?"
"Yes," Jack said. "Why didn't I hear about that, Dawn?"
"I wrote a report. Ianto and Owen were there. Gwen was giving me looks like I ate baptized babies and hers was next. Tosh was just in awe of me being glowy," she said dryly. "And Eleven's here."
"Doctor," Jack called. He strolled in smiling at them. "What do you want to do with him?"
He looked at the machines, then at the scientist. "Didn't the last incarnation of me stop you?"
"But you're needed," he said. "We need you to counteract some of the bad things down here."
"I'm here for that," Xander reminded him dryly. "He's got a lot higher calling than our issues."
The Doctor looked at Xander. "Traveling is not the same, Xander."
"Technically, I can make my own Tardis, even though I'm not a native born time lord." The doctor whimpered, shaking his head at that. "And by the way, they still hate me. I saw one the other night. And an Ood."
"What prophecy was it this time?" he demanded dryly, hands going to his hips.
Xander smirked. "I can't tell you." The Doctor glared so he told Jack, who sighed and slumped, shaking his head. "Can I."
"No, he can't," he admitted, looking at him. "Let's just say.... the seventies advanced."
"Didn't that already happen?" he asked.
"I took it as a redo," Xander admitted with a goofy grin. "And then the Sovat thrown in."
"Bloody hell that's going to suck," Mickey said, shaking his head. "Disco and drunk aliens who think we're all gigolos."
"They seem to like him a lot more than even you," the Doctor assured him.
"That's because I look *fine* in leather," Xander shot back dryly. "What do the other two machines do? I know the smallest is a paradox engine."
"Yes it is. How.... Radek?"
"No. Xander did learn something after seeing one before," he said dryly.
"I forgot you had seen one."
"I still have that boxed up thankfully." He considered the scientist. "I can see sending him back to hunter/gatherer days," he said.
"With his skills, he'd take over and we'd have that empire problem you used to worry about with me," Xander said bluntly. "He's one of Rodney's minions. He also knows enough D&D to know some elementary tactics."
"Yours on those two planets is bad enough," the Doctor said sarcastically.
"You're the one who dropped my drugged ass there," Xander said bluntly, staring at him. "I thought we agreed to never bring that up again because you didn't want to."
The Doctor stared at him. "That was not my intention."
"Still sucked ass," he said.
"Yes, it did," he sighed. "That was not my intention, Xander." Xander stared at him. "It wasn't."
"Whatever," he said, waving a hand. "Let's just deal with this issue."
"There's an Empire of Xander out there?" Faith asked.
"Two," the Doctor said.
"Not like I was going to let them fucking kill me," he shot back with a glare. "And there's three, thank you. Those mechanoids still adore me."
The Doctor shuddered. "I remember them."
Xander smirked. "Really?"
"Enough," Jack said. "You two have the most dysfunctional father/son relationship ever."
"Not quite," the Doctor said. Xander summoned a book and opened it, holding it out to him with an evil look. He read it and went pale. "You can't....."
"I can so," he shot back. He stared at him. "Aren't you so glad you got me back to the point of my old, goofy, fun-loving self?" He smirked.
"Quite." He took the book to look over. "When is this?" He went backward to find a time code in the myth and blanched, looking at him. "How on earth?"
"Not like I was on earth," he shot back.
Xander nodded. "Kinda." He stared him down. "So, what are we doing with this putz?"
"I say we sink him somewhere he can't do any harm," Sarah Jane said.
"He's already SG," Martha told her. "And in trouble because of what he did there. What did you do?" she asked Xander.
Xander blew a kiss at her. "I kinda freed a slave planet. Twice. The French had *nothing* on them." She looked like she was going to cry. "In about seven hundred years."
"Starting off that little peace treaty you witnessed's war," the Doctor said.
"I'm not the one who dropped me there while I was drugged, ill, and having flashbacks to the last bad thing," Xander said sweetly. "And why was it that you could never help me find home?"
The Doctor stared. "I don't know," he admitted. "She seems to like having you around. Your bedroom reappeared recently. That's how I knew I'd see you soon."
"The Tardis made him a bedroom?" Mickey demanded.
Jack Harkness smirked at him. "It loves him. It wanted to keep him. She even tried to take off on Doc once when he dropped him somewhere."
"She was right to do it," the Doctor huffed. "Still not good of her." Xander quirked an eyebrow up. "It was the right thing to do but she could have warned me or something."
"I didn't know she talked back."
"She doesn't. She does emote though." He looked at the scientist again then at Dawn. "What else did you stop?"
"That time loop from opening."
"I'll kill the bastard again," Xander assured her. Sarah Jane gaped in horror at him. "Yeah, that was me backing him up, Sarah Jane." He looked at Dawn. "You're still on an energy high. I can see some glowiness."
"There's been a few rough days," she admitted quietly. "Very bad cases."
"So go play with my plants at the estate?"
"I am." She smirked. "I made Owen help."
"He does have good hands for planting." He looked at the Doctor again. "We thought about spacing him. Without a ship."
"That thought has crossed my mind too." He glared and the scientist tried to get away from him. "I don't often lose my temper." Martha held up the ponytail and he scanned it with the screwdriver. "Dawn, is there an open hole?"
"No, I shut that shit immediately because it was radiating. Sorry about her hair, Doctor."
"No, that's a good thing, better than her head," he sighed. He glared again at the scientist. "You're going to turn into Xander."
"I never built a paradox engine. I just solved a prophecy puzzle that created one," he said dryly.
"That was you?" Mickey asked.
"Yeah. Someone left me at the Temple where it was written. I could read that language so I read it out loud and it was really simple." Mickey groaned, shaking his head. Xander pointed at Martha. "She said 'they'll help you get back, Xander'," he mimicked. Martha moaned. "I'm actually well known for screwing up prophecies." He looked at the scientist again. "I say we send him to Poosh."
"No," the Doctor said firmly. "Or to Arveda. They might like him as a servant but no. That's evil." Xander gave him a pointed look. "They had a way to get you home," he defended.
"And all they wanted for it was for me to bear their king an heir," he said dryly. Jack shuddered and walked off. Dawn followed to give him a hug. Xander stared at him. "And no, they couldn't get me back there either. Some nice time lord named Four had blocked off that access time for them." The Doctor gave him a horrified look. Xander stared back. "The closest they could get was 1991. So I'd get to help myself redo highschool and all those battles."
"Which would create a paradox," he said firmly.
"Notice I didn't do that," Xander shot back. "I learned the rule of paradoxes on my own, before I met you, Doc."
"I heard." He stared at the idiot again. "General, what did you want to do to him?"
"Beat him to death?" he offered. "Then get Xander to a shrink?"
"It probably won't help him any," the Doctor admitted. "As for that one.... I might let you. I'm not certain." He looked at the machines again. "Those need to be locked up."
"We can beam them into the sun."
"No you can't. One will be important later on," Xander told him. The Doctor glared. "It will!"
"That is future knowledge; you know better."
"I also know that the seeds of that are already started. I ran into Yuri Gresnik again." The Doctor glared harder, hands going back to his hips. "Not my fault. He ran into me in Colorado Springs. I found out he's a *wonderful* chemist."
"We hired a bad guy?" O'Neill guessed.
"No, he's going to breed you a super army," the Doctor told him. "That will try to take over the world unless you can destroy them. They'll be impervious to nuclear contact and you can't really use ZPM energy on the planet."
"However, one of those is the start of another void portal," Xander continued. "Like our humming one."
"Which would....." Jack pressed.
"Suck in their building," the Doctor sighed, looking at him. "Without really endangering other places."
"That's good though, right?" he asked.
"Yes, it could be," Xander assured him. "Or else I'd have to build another one like I used on the Trust's board, General."
"Good to know. Can you?"
"Not if it's going to leave my hands."
"What happened to that star destroyer?" the Doctor asked.
"I used it on a mega Wraith hive," Xander said. "In a space battle."
"Radiation?" Jack asked as he came back without Dawn.
"No. And outside this solar system. In the space between."
"That's wonderful," the Doctor said with a smile. "Good idea, Xander."
"I do have a few," he agreed with an evil little smirk. "I think we should give him to the Aconites."
"He's a man," the Doctor pointed out.
"I know that."
"He's got higher science knowledge they could use against others."
"In ten years they're going to be without that peace treaty," Xander countered. "I'm not real fond of the cannibals. It seems fair. He'd be able to do good for everyone while being treated like the plebe he is."
"Ego showing, X," Faith warned.
Xander smirked at her. "We'd send you to hand him over. They treat men worse than slaves." A golden beam appeared and Armand walked out. "Thank you, Nila."
"You're welcome," his phone chirped. "He wanted petted." She hung up.
Xander scooped up his dragon, cuddling him. "Hi. Did you have fun?" Armand yawned and curled up on his shoulder, staring at people. "That's Mickey. That's Martha, and this is Sarah Jane. They traveled like we did too." Armand sniffed each one then settled in again.
"The sacred egg," Martha teased, petting him. Xander beamed and nodded. "He's beautiful, Xander."
"He's highly protective too."
"I'm sure he is." She petted him some more.
"The Doctor let you bring back rare creatures?" Sarah Jane demanded, glaring at him.
"He had Armand's egg before I ever ran into him," the Doctor defended. "And yes, I let him bring back plants. Most of them want to kill people for him. We could feed him to Morticia, Xander."
"She'd never eat him whole. She's not fully grown yet." Jack moaned, shaking his head. "She almost ate one of the witches the other day," he told him with a grin.
"Dawn told me." He looked at the Doctor. "What would have happened if you had negated his influence in some places by getting him home the first time?"
"There'd be about eighty planets dead," Xander told him. "Including the Atlantis mission because Atlantis was starting to fail until I started siphoning power into her systems." O'Neill gaped. "Rodney never figured it out either, Jack. There was a bad power drain in one of the underwater towers. By the time the alarm would have started, they'd have been halfway to sunk again." He looked at them again. "Plus we wouldn't have Nila or her labs."
"I'd probably be in my last life by now," the Doctor admitted quietly. "There's a lot no one else got to see, Jack. Not even you and Martha or any of the others I traveled with during that time. God bless Donna for pulling my head out of my bum a few times about that stuff that used to drive me insane."
Xander smiled sweetly. "How many of those were my fault?"
"You always seemed to be in the middle of them."
"Usually because someone decided they wanted to own me," he shot back. "Or should I mention Tigel?"
"Please don't. I admit freely that was an error in judgement." He stared at him. "What prophecy?"
"Oh, the Elders are going to fall," he said casually. He smirked. "Paradoxes are hell when they snap."
"Oh, yeah. And yeah, snap it will. They laid more than one trigger."
"But if another trigger gets tripped, won't that do nothing now?" Jack asked.
"They locked themselves between the cords in the time stream. Technically, the way they did it, and I did verify this with Rodney subtly, they'll pull another version of themselves. An AU version."
"Crap," Jack O'Neill complained. "The rest of the Time Lords?" The Doctor nodded, looking sad. "Can we stop that one?"
"Maybe," Xander admitted. "It's up to me to stop it apparently." He shrugged. "I don't know yet. They weren't real clear when it would happen. Send him to the Shadow idiots?"
"They would destroy his ego," the Doctor agreed, staring at the scientist then at him. "I need to know in case you need stopped."
"It's past, Doc," Jack told him firmly. "Long past. We never could figure out why Xander was in one spot that seemed impossible." The Doctor gaped at him then at Xander, who simply shrugged and petted his dragon. "He kept them from springing that trap then."
"Because in hindsight that would've destroyed most everyone everywhere by unraveling time," Xander agreed. He stared at the Doctor. "While some have time sense, others of us have the touch when it comes to holes in the stream apparently. We can feel them, feel the triggers in them, all that."
"Which would mean solving a few of those," the Doctor said quietly. Xander nodded. "Why you?"
"I picked it up," he said dryly. The Doctor glared. "Why do you think it was me, Doc?" He walked off, heading back to Colorado. They had it for now. He and Armand went back to the meeting. The general was not looking amused. "Sorry but the idiot who tried to turn Nila into a Tardis pulled bad guys. Like a dalek." General Landry moaned, shaking his head. "We had to have a conference to figure out how to stop him. O'Neill's there." He sat down. "So, I'm getting someone who speaks Russian?"
"You are since you're getting a few Russian scientists."
"Would that be Yuri?"
"It would. You know him?"
"Yeah, I stopped him doing a Hitler a few centuries from now." The general opened his antacids and took a few at once without chewing. Xander smirked. "He's a very gifted chemist."
"He can do well beyond what we can do at any given time, General. I have no idea why he's here."
"He told me he felt he got called to do good for the universe."
Xander nodded. "Yay him. I wonder which version of good it is." He looked over as the phone box appeared. The Doctor opened the door. "Did you send Yuri?"
"Why would I have?"
"Probably to keep me from doing anything."
"You're paranoid," he warned.
Xander stared at him. "Really? Ya think?" he shot back. Armand nipped him. "I've always been this way. Since I was about six."
"I think we should talk, Xander."
"You brought it up."
"You still need...."
Xander stood to stare him down. "I need to what? Get over it?" He stared him down. "Did you?" The Doctor sighed, shaking his head. "Then you want what, Doc? To chastise me?"
"I was going to let you talk to me about it so we could settle some things," he said quietly.
"You can't even manage to apologize for them." The Doctor looked stunned. "Apologies go a long way. But only if they're true and a few times I know damn well you used me. And for some strange reason I'm used to that. Oh, yeah, I've been there before as the bait." He stared him down. "I'm intentionally forgetting about them most of the time so I can focus on the good points. All the things I learned, all that. That way I don't have to go back to scary, fragile Xander. Ever again."
"I understand," he said, moving closer. "Can we please go talk about this in private? I doubt you want him to know."
Xander shrugged. "He sent me to be a sex slave to get Cam free."
"Dear lord," he muttered. He pulled the boy into a hug. "Come on. She misses you. She moved your garden closer again." He hauled him into the Tardis to do some therapy. They really did need to get some things straightened out. Jack and Martha had been right when they had all-but ordered him to. Dawn as well when she had pushed him into the Tardis and shut the door in his face with an order to not come back until he had gotten it right. The Doctor followed Xander to his garden, wincing when the door that hadn't been there before slammed in his face. "Talk to me?" It opened for him so he mentally thanked the Tardis.
"Are you going to apologize?"
"I am," he assured him. Xander stared at him. "I should not have dropped you that way, Xander. I was frustrated and ... well, being human at the time I suppose."
Xander continued to stare. "Then you didn't give me to them on purpose?' he asked quietly.
"No, I had no idea it'd be that bad. I was hoping since we couldn't get you home you could find someone decent there and make one. I had no idea they were that evil." He moved closer, carefully stepping around the plants. He knew half of them would rip into him if they felt it necessary to protect Xander. He had bled and sweated into them too many times. "That was not my intention. Or, well, his intention." Xander continued to stare. Armand snuffled at him. "He knows that as well."
Xander sat down, letting the plants move around him. "It was a blessed curse, the same as getting his band was, Doc. The same as being in the project is. They still spread rumors that I'm descended."
"I know you're not." He sat down across from him. Carefully out of range of the poisoned thistles that were all but trying to crawl into the boy's lap. "I thought you could find some happiness. They never seemed that bad to me. I couldn't let you off somewhere really happy because then they would use you that way."
"A few times you could've just asked. I would've made another try for home," he said quietly.
"If I had been thinking I might have." He shifted closer. The thistles let him for now but there were a few others that were shifting toward him. "It was never my intention to harm you in any way, Xander. Outside of that time I spanked you for taking up with an important historical figure and making her mope over you instead of her future husband."
"You dropped me where she bought me," he snorted.
"You are worth so much more than that and I realized that. It was like you were the source of all frustrations, everything that was going oddly at the time. You still frustrate me now and then but I learned to love you for it. Even back then, I did learn." Xander shrugged, petting his plants and his dragon. The Doctor sighed. "It did change."
"Not really. You seemed pretty frustrated with me just now."
"You seemed to be usurping."
"You were busy! Of course I asked the other companions what do with him!"
"Which I agree, it was completely wise of you," he assured him with a smile. "Usually you and Jack just deal with it and I hear later. That can frustrate me even more."
"What did you hear about this time?" he asked dryly.
"I came to see why Jack was noted as being in a rebellion in the eighteen hundreds," he sighed.
"Because he got stranded there?"
"Because the Tardis took him there and dropped him while you were sick."
"Oh." He blinked a few times. "She did?" Xander nodded. "When I had that flu?"
"Yup and it was food poisoning. You got mad at him fussing so she dropped him off." He went back to petting things. His garden needed tended. No one had weeded it and somehow he had slugs. He flicked one into the hallway.
"Eww," the Doctor complained, going to get it and flush it. "How did we get toxic slugs?"
"It's your Tardis."
"Good point." He came in to help him. Xander felt more at ease with things than he did people some days. They worked silently until they heard the door slam. "We landed?" the Doctor complained, getting up to go look. "Martha, Jack."
"Are you hurting him more?" she demanded cooly, glaring at him.
"He did," Xander called. Armand ran out to climb up Jack and get petted. "Armand, he's not a tree."
"I probably smell like Ianto," Jack called. He petted the dragon anyway, smiling at him. "It's good your father has you to make him happy, Armand. You and his boys."
"He has boys now?" Martha demanded.
Jack smiled. "Evan and Radek."
"Oh, I see. Xander, why didn't I get told you were dating?"
"Because you'd fuss over them."
She went to lean into the garden. "Someone forgot to weed."
"And gave us slugs. Not even tasty ones."
"Eww." She came in to give him a hug. "Are you all right?" she asked softly.
"I'm okay," he sighed. He looked at her. "It's all past hurts."
"Nothing hurts like the past." She kissed him on the temple. "You need to pop in for tea more often."
"Your boy might mind."
"He might growl a bit," she said with a wink and a grin. "But it'll only get me pounced. He thinks you're like Jack."
"No, I'm not like Jack." He kissed her on the cheek. "You can make him jealous with me if you want."
She beamed. "I said you flirted, not that you were stupendous in the sack or anything."
"You should tell him about Eren 12," the Doctor said as he and Jack walked in together.
"No, I doubt he needs to hear about Xander being picked up while having travel sickness and them deciding he's a champion stud at a brothel." She petted him. "Do you want to talk?"
"I'm good, Martha. Thank you. You might tell Sarah Jane to quit freaking out about me."
"I think she was more stunned at Faith being so blunt," she said with a grin. "She thinks you're like Jack too."
"I only met Mickey the once," Xander reminded her.
"I know." She petted him again, smiling at the snuffling Armand was doing. "I can pet him. His boys won't mind me. We're friends, Armand." She petted him too, straightening up again. "Xander, can you really build your own Tardis?"
"Yup. I won't but I can figure out how to." He smirked. "Not on Nila either." That secret he was keeping for a bit longer.
"Good. That might freak out your generals." She smirked. "They do get quite huffy, like mine do when I do when I do things they don't expect. Now, do you have anything for us, dear?"
"Landry said no."
"We'll have to straighten that out anyway," she decided. "It might've been better if you had come to us."
"I would've been bored shitless in the lab, Martha."
"True, but you could've headed security and gone on a few projects of ours." She tweaked Armand's ear. "You are very good to your human. We adore you for that, Armand." She winked at Jack and left. Sarah Jane was still worrying at Ianto. "He's fine, Sarah Jane. Xander's... Traveled more than the Doctor has. He's older. He's closer to seven thousand and he's not a time lord. He's a human who got changed and turned immortal. In many ways he's a lot like Jack."
"He learned how to talk about things better than Xander did," Dawn said, handing her the cup of tea Ianto had made for her. "There you go."
"Thank you, Miss Summers. How is your education going?"
"Poorly," Owen quipped.
"It's not my fault I know more than my current teachers," she complained. "And *who* was it that bribed me into taking Eastern Philosophy?"
"You could use some zen," Ianto reminded her.
"I could use better sex," she complained. "Cases are hell and I have homework on top of it. I'm too damn tired to go have fun. It's not the Sunnydale way."
"Well, then close the stupid rift," Owen told her.
Dawn looked at him. "You know, I probably can." He groaned, shuddering some. "So how about you make dinner tonight, Owen?"
"If I must," he complained.
"I want a bubble bath and then some fun. Step-da, is that okay?"
"Go," he encouraged. "As long as you don't call me that again." She smirked and walked off dragging Owen by the wrist. Ianto shook his head at Martha's gape of horror. "Oh, yes. She did win her crush. They're quite....gagging really," he admitted once he was sure they were gone. He smirked. "She's too much like her father."
"Really?" Martha asked dryly. "Is Xander her father?"
"Jack is. The ones who created her mystically created self used him."
"Oh!" She blinked a few times. "No wonder she was wearing such flirtatious clothes!"
"No, she was trying to tempt Owen into making her forget she has a math test tomorrow."
"I used a boyfriend for that a few times myself," she admitted. She looked at Sarah Jane. "You've heard about Sunnydale?"
"A few times, especially after that invasion in LA."
"Dawn comes from there. The other slayer is her sister." Faith came out of the back. "Oh, dear, she was going to have dinner?"
"No," Faith snorted. "I told her to pounce her man in a closet since it was clear he needs the little blue pill to keep up."
"No he doesn't," Gwen complained.
Faith looked at her. "It's kinda clear he's been falling down on the boyfriend duties. Work and all that probably got in the way. It sure as hell did when I was slaying instead of military duties." She looked at Martha again. "Got any young, frisky pups I can break?"
"Six or seven dozen actually but we won't be rotating anyone out to the city for a bit."
"Ehh, I'm on the other one."
"Ah!" She smirked. "They do become like an extended family. Then Mickey makes them mother hen me to death."
"You gotta love the big goobers for it though," Faith agreed. "Y, you got any manpussy hiding around here?"
"My name starts with an 'I'," he said with a smile. "And no, I don't know any who would do without expecting to keep you." The tardis took off. He sighed. "Left me with paperwork again," he complained.
Martha swatted him gently. "They needed the talk."
"Clearly. I should warn Evan." He texted him then smiled at the answer he got back. "The general let him be kidnaped and then told them. That was polite of him." He put the phone up. "Sarah Jane, would you like some tea?"
"Please. Any idea how I can get home?"
Martha waved a hand. "I'll arrange it, Sarah Jane." The two women smiled. "Should we worry about this idiot starting a new apocalypse?"
"No," Ianto said. "Dawn will kill him for breaking into what little free time we give her."
"Afraid she'll get stuffed up?" Martha teased.
"Not while dating Owen," he shot back with an evil smirk. "He does know all the basics of contraception."
"Wonderful of him." Sarah Jane giggled. "She's young. I remember being that young and judging men on the size of their bulges."
Ianto coughed. "At least now you have one who understands some things." Mickey came out of the bathroom. "Better?"
"Much, thank you. So, Sarah Jane, getting home soon?"
"Perhaps. I'm hoping my son didn't decide to burn down the house by baking chips." She finished her tea. "I should do some temp work now and then for you lot," she told Ianto. Who smiled back. "I'll talk to Jack this week if he's back by then."
"Usually so," he assured her. "Or else he has to cook his own dinners." The girls giggled and took Mickey with them. Sarah Jane got home quickly and they went back to work. Ianto looked at the ladies. "Well...." He waved a hand. "It's quiet. Go. Do girl things." They snorted but left. He tidied up and set the alarms to notify him of anything unusual. Then he went to take his own bubble bath and read for a bit. It had been hectic recently. Perhaps he'd talk to Owen about giving Dawn something to stop her cycles since it appeared to be correlated.
Xander reappeared in the Tardis in a flash of light. "Thank you for dropping me with the Ori," he said dryly. "They much appreciated it and would like you to visit soon." He disappeared again, landing in the Mountain, where Evan was complaining. "We have a few less threats now from the psycho God posse." He smirked at Evan. "The Doctor wanted me to have destressing time so he dropped me in a temple. Which ended up being Ori. We had a long talk about how sometimes you get really tired and then one last battle shows up and you kick ass then walk into the sunset. They're very happy with their new religion and patron saint." He smirked at Landry. "Let me go scare the crap out of Yuri. Then I'll take my last night off?"
"You're due on Nila in two days," the general told them. Evan smirked at him. "You still have to pick new soldiers."
"I already have but you didn't like two of my choices, sir."
"Martha said we're getting UNIT people in a few months," Xander reminded them. He sashayed out, finding Radek and the new guy together. "Oh, Great One of the Advanced Races," he said sarcastically as he walked into the lab.
Yuri stared at him. "You work *here*!" he demanded.
"No, I work on Nila. You do not work on Nila, nor shall you because I know what the fuck you used to do before someone drop kicked you into this time zone," he said bluntly. "And if I have to watch you, so be it."
"I understand. I will not do what I had done. I told you I felt called to do something good for humanity so they would survive this century."
"Fine. Deal with the wraith then. You're a biochemist. Unengineer them."
"I have started. They are fascinating but disgusting. How is the Doctor? And Jack?"
"The Doctor decided I needed some Zen time so he dropped me in an Ori temple." Radek gasped, pulling him closer to check over. "Not a lot of fighting, Radek, and then I told them about some amazing saints." He smirked evilly. Then at Yuri, who shuddered. "Hey, Harry?" She appeared with her human puppy. "This is Yuri." She sniffed him then growled. "I know. He does not get near Dawn." She barked and wagged her tail, letting Xander pet her. "Good girl. Let Dawn get some free time snuggling in. She's in heat." The hellhound howled and took off with Calvin again, going back to her sunny spot. Xander stared at him. "Understood?"
"Greatly, Xander." He bowed. "You are in that mood again."
"Yes I am." He looked around. "Did he bring Armand back?"
"He's on Atlantis sucking up to Faith," Radek said, staring at him. "You are in bad mood," he said quietly. "The same sort that gets you called King by ancient beings."
Xander nodded. "I'm more in a 'fuck this bitch and let's screw it' mood," he admitted, taking a hug. "But I missed you."
"I missed you too." He smiled. "We will have dinner off-base?"
"Yes. Please?" Evan walked in with John behind him. "You got free of your city?"
"The General wanted to know what this one had done."
"He's decided he's got a calling to make sure humanity goes on so he can get back to his right time zone and create a new advanced race."
"Ah!" He nodded, smirking at the chemist that was shrinking away from them. "Is he going to cause us problems?"
"No, because I'll have him eaten," Xander said bluntly. "He's going to unengineer the wraith for us."
"A lot of people would like that." He looked at him. "We will be watching." He looked at Xander. "Want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.
"Okay." He patted him on the back of the head. "You can come talk. Remember that."
John smirked. "Many people said that about you in those evil leather pants of yours."
"We have time off tonight," Evan said.
"We will go to dinner," Radek agreed. They left together.
Rodney looked up as the trio appeared on Nila. "You three look like you made the most of your vacation and could now use one," he quipped, smirking evilly at them.
"Is not my fault," Radek defended, waving a hand. "They are evil tempters of virgins and fake gay boys." Evan snickered at that. "And Xander is worse."
"Not my fault a few of them decided I was for rent. Thank you for defending my honor, dear." He blew a kiss. "So, are my new minions here?" he asked with an evil smirk.
Rodney stared at him, cup halfway to his mouth. "You have that evil look on. What did you do? Does it have anything to do with a complaining email I got from Dawn about a new religion that has a patron saint that could live 13 lives before passing on?"
"Probably. He wanted me to have some contemplation time." He strolled off. "Heading to unpack, Mean Uncle Rodney."
"That's fine. Your minions will be waiting in the morning. Yours as well, Radek."
"Thank you. Evan?"
"Give me ten to check in with my temp." He watched them walk off then looked at Rodney. "Dawn complained?"
"Apparently her father whined at her about it."
"Pity." He went to check in. "Childers." He snapped to attention, earning a smile. "Bad week? You look tired."
"New geeks nearly fell off the city, Major."
Evan snickered. "Yeah, you get those sometimes. Reports?" They got handed over. "Big problems?"
"Kavanagh's 'mother' has been freaking people out all too often."
"Apparently he needed a mother. It's keeping him acting more human and good. Before he was a complaining ass kisser who lived by the rule book that was written by people who had never been in a lab or in combat. Now he's much better." He walked off reading. A few disciplinary reports. Mostly got to shift late due to a hangover. He ran into the lurking engineer. "You are better now that she's adopted you," he said as he walked past him.
"Thank you. I think." Harry nuzzled his hand so he petted her. "I guess that's good," he told her. He smiled and petted her. "C'mon, let's get some ice cream." She trotted ahead, making him laugh. "Anxious?" She barked so he followed more quickly. She did love the soft serve ice cream they had. And Mango sorbet for some strange reason. He wasn't sure what mangoes were like in hell but apparently sorbet was better in her book.
Dawn walked into Jack's office the next morning, seeing the pout. "Well, you did leave him with paperwork."
"I know. Not the problem." He looked at her. "You look tired."
"I am tired. My night off got canceled by a weevil attack on that muffin shop up the street." Jack smirked at that, shaking his head. "And now Owen's pouting. I haven't been able to figure out why." She got into his desk drawer and found something, putting it into her jacket pocket. "I told my teacher that I desperately needed a day off to have some fun due to work. He granted it with a laugh. So I'm going to the estate. Owen is going with me, even if I do have to drug him, and we'll be back later to rift watch or whatever." She strolled out, going to the medical bay. He was giving her a dirty look. "Xander told me I haven't weeded recently. I was thinking a picnic?"
"I had some spotty ideas for later."
She smirked. "We can incorporate those I'm sure. Unless it was going to be a guy's night out?"
"No. I believe the other two men are going to shag themselves stupid."
"That's not a bad idea," she agreed.
He sighed. "It's...."
"We're going on a picnic," she said bluntly. "Remember, I can get us back here if I need to." He nodded, grabbing his jacket to go out with her. They passed Gwen on the way in. "Have fun with the paperwork." She got Owen into he car, which was new. He looked at her oddly. "Not like I can bike around town to scenes." She started the car and drove them out of the city to a smallish estate house with a huge garden and greenhouse. Dawn got them into the greenhouse, pulling dinner out of the trunk. Owen went willingly to see what was in there. She did a bit of spell casting to soundproof the area they were in and then called two imps to go weed the garden for her. They were surprisingly good at it since Xander had laid a spell teaching anyone how to weed properly for him. She laid out lunch and fed him the first bite. He moaned, leaning closer. She kissed him. "I have fantastic ideas," she said with a soft smile. "And I'm going to close the fucking rift later if you want to help."
"Probably. I'd like permanently but I can't."
"Ianto thinks it's linked to your cycle."
"If that was true, the week we had dead three weeks ago would've been hell."
"True." He took another kiss and let her do all the mushy stuff she wanted. He didn't mind being treated like the king of the harem at all. He spread out on the blanket, relaxed by the scents around him. "What are those blue ones?"
She got up to look. "They're like lilacs, which are supposed to be good for aromatherapy." She sat down again, getting comfy while nibbling between feeding him. She was slowly working him up to a good, long, hard pounce. Maybe she'd even make him squeal again by mounting him like the stud he was. Though, she had thought he was needy. Apparently she had the sex drive of a teenage guy. She had no idea who had possessed her to taint her, but it appeared so.
Owen limped up to Jack that night, growling at his amused look. "Your girl is barmy," he said quietly.
"You're welcome," Dawn quipped from her desk.
"Do you need driven to a clinic?" Jack asked quietly, staring at him.
"No! But she's worse than I was at twelve!" he hissed. "Worse than you are now!"
"Dawn, remember I need him to work now and then please?" Jack called.
"He can. Not like he's not grinning."
"Oh, he is," Jack assured her, smirking at Owen. "Good lunch?"
"Not a bad bit of food. Or pouncing. And for some reason she's pouncing me more."
Jack leaned closer. "She thinks you'll get bored if she doesn't," he said quietly. "If you'd take her better in hand, I'm sure she'd be a willing and active sex slave for you, Owen."
Owen smirked. "We have tomorrow off, right?"
"She has a math test."
"Maybe after that then." He limped off. "Dawn, were you going to do that thing?"
"Yup, nearly ready," she called. She pulled up the rift monitor and concentrated. The spell wasn't that hard. It snapped shut. "There, that should give us all a few days of rest," she announced. "If not, I'll go bleed into the damn thing so I can nap later."
Owen stared at her then changed his mind about what she really needed. He knew some of the best ways to get Dawn to sleep involved reading to her. Which suited him since he was sore. She had been mean and made him beg for nearly an hour before she finally got off him. He slapped himself hard because he was sounding like a wife again. Well, he'd have to remind her she was the woman in their relationship and she was going to be doing most of the squealing in pleasure for him soon enough.
Xander looked up from scrubbing up a pot for some bigger plants when a genial British sounding voice came his way. He went back to scrubbing. It needed to be done and his botanists were being mean today.
"Radek, may I borrow my apprentice?" the Doctor asked with a nice smile.
"Only if you do not dent him this time," he said, staring him down.
"Well, I may paddle him a bit but I won't leave him unable to cuddle. How about that?"
"No denting at all."
"Fine. We merely have to talk about how some planet suddenly has a cult." He walked over and hauled Xander up, walking him off. "Xander," he said dryly.
"You put me in a temple full of Ori," he said dryly. "So I kindly beat the psychotic ascended's asses and their priests. They needed someone to take the place of them." He smirked.
"It is incredibly mean to have them start a religion to me."
"Turnabout and all that," he smirked.
"I didn't tell them to worship you. You're the one who got a bit tipsy and helped in their fertility ritual. Though I still have no idea how every woman you touched got pregnant by her man later that night."
"Magic. Accidental admittedly but still."
The Doctor shook his head. "I had no idea they were Ori. Sorry about that." Xander just gave him a mean smirk. "You told them all about me, didn't you?"
"More than Martha did that year that wasn't," he agreed smugly. "They have holy pictures. They have a nice holy object in the tardis."
"What if another one lands there?" he pouted.
Xander snickered. "They're locked on Gallifrey, Doc. Why would they?" He smirked. "Though, they mostly seemed to like Ten since his temper fit in with how they had gotten Origin fed to them. So you have to handle some apocalypses and they'll put you next to him."
"You told them that much?" he demanded, looking amused.
"Yup. Sure did."
The Doctor huffed. "You are a funny minded man, Xander Harris."
"Awww, thank you!"
"I'm not sure that was a compliment. You know, I know some lovely hospitals where you could have a good, long, soothing rest."
"He needs laid more than he does sleep," one of the female scientists said as she walked past them. "He gets less goofy the more Radek plows him."
"Who says it's Radek doing it?" Xander said dryly.
She gave him a dirty look. "Because I've seen you both at breakfast and noticed which one couldn't sit right," she shot back with a smirk of her own before walking off.
"Sometimes," Xander admitted at the Doctor's amused look. "But only sometimes."
"I really should paddle you. Nine would've been appalled and Ten would've had a heart attack in at least one heart. If not both."
"Donna would've cackled until she got sick. Rose would pout but Donna would've loved it and I sent it to Martha too. Including the newest hymnal."
The Doctor shook his head. "You are mentally touched, Xander. We need to cure you."
Radek walked past them. "Is my job now." He gave him a pointed look. "Really is." Around them, alarms went off. "What now?" he demanded, starting to swear as he headed for the control room. It was pretty evident what was going on. The city was fading out into a silvery flow, like water was cascading around them. "Is not the shields," he called. "Everyone get inside!"
"No, it's the time stream," Xander called. "Is that fucking idiot back?"
"No," someone else called. "But his minion of stupidity is!"
Xander looked at the Doctor. "How do you pilot a city through the time stream?"
"I can barely get the tardis to listen to me," he admitted, following him to the control center. They had the idiot in a corner, sobbing in misery. He was begging that he didn't want to do that, he was just following his lab partner's orders while he was on vacation. The Doctor looked around. "All right then," he decided. "The Tardis is on the lab base. Is that with us?"
"No, Doctor," Nila said. She appeared to squeal and 'hug' him in her own virtual way. "I'm very happy you're here. Xander does not know how to pilot a Tardis."
"He certainly makes mine not listen to me," he told her. "Let's see what he did. Radek, can I borrow you?"
"Of course. I do not want to be a time lord. Am seeing one, is enough."
"He's technically just a traveler," the Doctor warned.
Radek looked at him. "May not be natural one but he is one anyway. Even that book said that they gave him an honorary title."
"Oh, really?" he said, looking at Xander. Who was studiously looking at the time stream. "When are we, apprentice?"
Xander looked back at him. "Heading for the twelve hundreds."
"Charming! Well, at least the natives won't mind us all that much." They found where the engine had been hidden and how it was working. "I need a mallet," he muttered. "Just like I do on mine." Radek got him one. The Doctor broke the engine and they reappeared in their right time. Nila was pouting. "Oh, no. You are not configured to go through the time stream. It might sheer off your balconies," he told her. She hugged him again and disappeared. He took the engine with him and tossed it into his tardis before coming back for Radek, Xander, and Evan so they could figure out how to make sure this never happened again. He also stole Rodney and Faith. Plus Joel. He was a good boy and understood his frustration with Xander all too often.
Xander blipped into Landry's office. "We have figured out how to bypass any further attempts to make Nila a temporal traveling city. It's input into her programming. Rodney cleared it, said that the small trip we started to take did not hurt her or the dock."
"Oh, dear Lord," Landry muttered, dropping his pen and giving the boy a tired look. "Someone managed it?"
"While he was there complaining that I had turned an Ori temple into one dedicated to him." He smirked at him. "Evan thought it was brilliant!" He left. Then he came back. "By the way, do we have any spare boxes?"
"You may not build a Tardis while in the employ of the SGC," Landry said firmly. "Or we will confiscate it. We do not like time travel around here. It causes problems."
"Well, I may have defeated a few more Ori," he offered. Then he disappeared again.
The Doctor caught him. "Do not replace the Book of Origin with my exploits," he complained. "Or else they'll decide to do a tv show too."
"That was Jack," Xander pointed out dryly. "Not me."
The Doctor glared. "I had less temper as Ten."
"I know. But now you look more geeky so the universe will like giant brains more." He beamed at him. "Which means that when I'm done with this life, and I'm done grieving, then I can find someone who'll respect me for my mind instead of my ass."
"You're completely cracked," the Doctor assured him. "Totally ruined."
"I am not."
"You are so," he shot back. "And you're rotting mine too." Xander gave him a quick kiss and a cuddle. "That will not make up for making a religion to me."
"Paybacks," Xander said with a happy, bouncy grin.
"Apparently my next companion needs to keep my mind in better shape. Though you're right, Donna would have cackled herself into needing a bath and a change of clothes." He gave him a hug. "Behave. Please?"
"Did you build a tardis already?" he asked. Xander just smiled sweetly. "Oh, come on."
"I'm sure she did. Is it a traditional one and all that? Bigger on the inside?"
"Yup. Linked back with an emergency exit to the villa too."
The Doctor sighed, shaking his head. "That's one way to get years with your mates," he said quietly. Xander gave a one-sided shrug. "You're going to ask them?"
"If they want."
"If you take Radek or Rodney, you will have to make sure they live by the same timeline rules for science and technology."
"Good!" He smirked at him. "Will Dawn get it some day?"
"Why? Jack's got his band." He gave him a smug look. "And I've already taught her how to make her own."
"Wonderful! Well, at least I won't be alone in traveling."
"Vacations," Xander agreed.
"Hmm. Don't meddle too much."
"I'm usually fixing things. By the way, one you stepped into ended up leaving peaceful and going to a civil war. I got that stopped."
"Thank you for that." He took another hug. "Do not mess up or I will beat you severely."
"Good! And no bringing back that mud or anything for a spa. Even if it would mean Dawn could shoe shop all she wanted." He walked off mostly happy. Xander was still mentally cracked but he wasn't fragile and that was really good payback. Donna would've laughed so hard she would've crapped if she had seen it. He'd have to get a note back to Ten to let him know so he can check it out sometime in his personal future. Since he remembered doing that now.
Xander looked around before letting out a small, evil cackle.
Evan walked up behind him. "If he won't paddle you, I will the minute you go evil," he said in his ear.
Xander smiled. "Want dinner out tonight?"
"I saw what's in your closet," he said bluntly.
"I've had it for over seven centuries."
Evan sighed, shaking his head. "Your mind is a bad, wicked place, Xander. We'll talk about dinner later though." He walked off shaking his head.
Radek came over to where he was working. "I saw the thing that appeared in the closet," he said quietly.
"He's been hiding it," Evan told him.
"Clearly. Should we tell on him?"
"The Doctor knows. Said he would paddle him if he got into trouble. Xander wanted dinner out tonight."
Radek stared at him. "Rodney would fuss for weeks on end."
"Probably, yeah." They shared a smirk and played rock/paper/scissors to see who would get to calm Xander down tonight. Before he got the very bad idea to travel with them. Not that it wouldn't be a more relaxing vacation than theirs had been but they'd never make it to work on time.
to next part
back to crossovers index