Notes: kinda more based on the tv show off TNT _The New Adventures of Robin Hood_, though since this *is* Lupin it does lean more toward _Men in Tights_.  Minor crossovers at the beginning.  Go here http://members.aol.com/jimmac747/Cat/RobinHood.html for information.





One Strange Week.


Lupin the Third woke up, which was odd considering he didn't remember going to sleep.  The next odd thing he noticed was that he smelled wood smoke, lots and lots of wood smoke, some very unwashed people, and some food smells that he decided he'd rather not know about at this point in time.  He lifted his head and found his best friends in the world sitting across from him, but something was very odd about them too.  Jigen was smoking a pipe, which he didn't do often and he never smoked one like he was sucking on now, which looked like a corn cob pipe.  Goemon was being calm and placid while he drank from a tankard, which did smell like beer, but he was wearing an odd robe-thingy and his head was bald on top, like he wore a skull cap or something.  "Oh, my aching head," he moaned, holding it.

"Next time, don't drink so much," Jigen told him.

"Yeah, sure, Jigen."

"Huh?" he asked.  "Are you feeling all right, Robin?"

"As in Batman?" he asked dryly, looking at his friends.  He noticed Goemon and Jigen sharing a look.  "What's going on?  And why are you both wearing really old clothes?"  He looked at himself, grimacing in distaste.  "Why am I wearing a ruffled shirt?"

"Because you said it was the last clean one you had until we could talk one of the local women into doing some laundry for us," Jigen reminded him.  "Don't you remember, Robin?"

"I'm not Robin."

"Quit teasing, Robin," Goemon said quietly.  The inn's door slammed open and they all jumped up, even though Lupin ached he knew authority when he saw the uniform and uniforms were never a good thing.  "We should leave."

"We should," Jigen agreed, heading out through the crowd, dragging Lupin with him.  "Come on, Robin.  We don't want to have you captured again.  I swear, if we have to save you one more time from the Princes's guys, I'm going to start making you wear the panties at night."  He dragged him to their horses, pushing Lupin toward his.  "Get on."

"That's a horse."  The others looked at him again so he sighed and got onto it, kinda.  He was sitting awkwardly when the horse took off after the others, so he struggled to stay on.

"I think he's sick," Goemon called to Jigen.

"He must be sick.  He didn't hit on the barmaids."  He noticed Lupin was finally sitting fully upright and his feet were in the stirrups.  That was something at least.  He looked at Goemon.  "Do you think he got hit on the head one too many times by Prince John's men?"

"Quite possible," Goemon agreed.  "We'll let someone look him over back at the camp."  They headed into the forest, Goemon falling back to take Lupin's reins and lead him on since he was falling behind.  He and Jigen shared another look.  This was not a good sign.

***

Jigen got them into the camp and dismounted, going back to get Lupin off his horse, dragging him into the herbalist's tent.  "Here, we think he got conked one too many times."  He lit his pipe with a stick from her fireplace and puffed slowly.  "He didn't hit on the barmaids, he didn't seem to know how to ride, and he didn't make fun of the Sheriff's men."

The herbalist looked Lupin over, then nodded at the cot in the corner.  "Lie him down there.  I'll look him over thoroughly," she said quietly.  "Then go run practice for the boys.  They've been in trouble all day."

"Yes, ma'am."  He got Lupin lying down and held him down when he struggled.  "Calm down.  Let her look you over, then we'll see you at practice.  I'm sure your bow could use a good workout."  He left them there, giving the herbalist a look as he walked past her.  "I'll be in the practice field if there's news.  Friar Tuck is with me."

"That's fine, Little John.  Just keep the boys out of my hair and out of my herb garden if possible.  Before I help a few of the ladies get their wish to be wives and mothers."  He shuddered and went out to do that.  It was a good way to wear out the aggression and manliness most of the younger members of the Merry Men felt.   The herbalist poured some water over some herbs and got up, coming over to feed the broth to Lupin.  "Here, sip this.  It should help your head. Did you drink too much?"

"The last thing I knew, we were speeding away in my car after a heist," he told her.

"Car?  What's that?  A new horse?"

He blinked up at her.  "No, a car.  An automobile?  One of those things that you drive on roads that doesn't require hay to fuel?" he asked when she looked clueless.  "You don't know what a car is?"

"Nay.  Must have been a dream, Robin.  Sip the broth, it should help."  She looked over as the hut's door flap opened again.  "Who're you?" she demanded.

"I'm a Xander.  I got sent here.  I don't know why, but I got sent here.  How far are we from LA?"

"You speak my language," Lupin said happily, jumping up to hug him.  "I'm not insane!"

"I can't guarantee that," Xander said sarcastically.  "All I know is that suddenly I'm here.  I was in LA.  I was fighting a big, scary monster, but then I woke up here in the forest."  He looked at the herbalist.  "Am I dead and doing the Spirit Guide thingy?  Because if I am, I'm going to go kick me some Willow butt and then spy on the lesbian witches for as long as they live to get them back for letting me die at the hands of the demon."

"Are you a priest?" the herbalist asked.

Xander shrugged.  "Not that I've been told."  He looked at Lupin.  "Are you feeling odd?"  He nodded quickly, looking desperate.  "Are you dead?  Because if you're dead then I'm probably dead too and that's really gonna suck to be a Spirit Guide thingy.  Though, watching the lesbian witches will be kinda fun I guess.  I'll have to pout because I won't be able to join in or anything, but I'm sure they'll ignore me.  They do that a lot anyway."

Lupin put a hand over the younger man's mouth.  "Quit babbling."  He pulled back.  "Do you know me?"  Xander shook his head, but he was grinning.  "What year were you taken from?"

"Two-thousand-four."

Lupin groaned.  "Okay, same time frame.  You lived in LA?"  The boy nodded.  "I'm Lupin the Third."

"And that means...?"  He grinned.  "Are you, like, a pop star or something?"

"World class thief."

"Ah, no wonder I don't know.  Sorry, I'm more attuned to the demonic and the unholy than anything else these days, but I do get to watch a lot of MTV with Dawnie, who is going to be so pissed.  I was supposed to help her with her history homework tonight," he said, slapping himself on the head.  He looked around, focusing on the healer.  "So, are we dead and doing the Spirit Guide thingy?"  She shook her head, still looking confused.  "Are you sure?"

"I am," a dark voice said from the corner as he walked out of it.  "I'm quite sure you're not dead, either of you."

"Hey, you're the guy from the Hercules show.  The scary, God of the dead guy.  Right?"  He nodded.  "Then why am I in a forest with people who don't know me if I'm not dead?  And while you're here, can you maybe help me figure out why the scary bad people like me too much?  I mean, do I give off 'tasty human' vibes or something?  I figured that since you're the scary God of the dead guy you might know why other scary guys liked me too much."

"It's the babbling," Hades assured him, frowning at him.  "No, I don't know why they like you, but if you don't slow down and breathe while speaking, I'm going to make you come to Tartarus for a few weeks.   You can sit with Joxer and Gabrielle."

"Can I play with your dog?  He seems like such a nice dog.  I'll pet him and brush him and feed him and only occasionally call him George if you let me play with him now and then.  Even if he slobbers, that's okay.  Anything's better than demon ick and slime."

"No, Xander.  Sit down and shut up," Hades ordered, weathering the pout.  "Keep it up, I can make you dead and keep you from spying on those witches of yours."

"I'd have to torment them somehow since it'd be their fault I'm dead.  They're the ones who sent me out for ice cream after dark."  He sat down though, one didn't upset the scary God of the dead for any reason.  There was no telling what he'd do, that's why he was so scary.

"I can hear your thoughts, kid.  I'm not that scary."

"Why are we here?" Lupin asked.

"I have no clue," he admitted.  "The last thing I knew, I was boinking my wife and she was squealing in pleasure.  You?"

"I was doing a getaway in my car with my friends, who seem to think they're part of this world."

"Huh."  He shrugged. "I don't know.  I can't reach the others so I can't get you a handy answer for that."  He looked at the herbalist.  "Thirteenth century?" he guessed.  "AD?"

She nodded, beaming at him.  "Aye.  'Tis 1253.  Thank you for making sense."

"Not an issue," Hades assured her.  He looked at Lupin, then at Xander.  "Okay, some of us aren't supposed to be here.  Kid, do you see anyone you know?"  Xander looked outside, then shook his head as he pulled back.  "That's fine, you can rest yourself at my place."

"Can I play with the dog?"

"Do you really want to be eaten?" Hades asked dryly.

"Wellllll, no, but it probably wouldn't be the first time.  Unless he rips my head off, because that would be worse than the average vampire trying for a treat."

"It would," Lupin agreed, wondering how he got in the middle of this.  "Can I go too?  I don't care if I get eaten or not, I'm having Acid flashbacks."

"Nope.  You've got to stay here if you recognize people," Hades told him.  "It's obviously your dream."

"It's a dream?" Lupin asked, sounding excited.  "Can I wake up?"

"Have you yet?" Xander asked.  Lupin frowned at him.  "Usually, I find that dreams after you hit your head or something mean that you've got to go through the storyline before waking up. Otherwise it's a nightmare.  It's your body's way of saying 'time out, take a kiddie nap'."  He grinned. "Maybe I am a Spirit Guide, that was pretty wise for me."

"It comes from experience," Hades reminded him.  "You keep getting hurt, boy.  If you'd quit doing that, you wouldn't have to worry about being a Spirit Guide or a ghost."

"Yeah, but it's not like anyone will *train* me," he said bitterly.  "To them, I'm the bait and I don't care what they say, I'm tired of being the bait.  I'd almost rather be a vampire some days, it'd be easier than being the bait."

"I know a few people who can sympathize with that.  Let's go bother them and then I'll see if I can't send you home, or at least let you watch those lesbian witches of yours.  It'd serve them right if they put you through this.  Or us through this."  He walked the boy off, taking him back through the corner, which was a normal corner but they passed through it and were gone.

Lupin walked over there, feeling the solidness of the wall.  He looked at the herbalist.  "I didn't hallucinate that, did I?"  She shook her head, frowning at him.  "Then why am *I* here?"

"You're Robin Hood.  You're supposed to be here, Robin.  This is your village of your Merry Men, and a few women who're helping you now and then.  You're their leader and this is your town."  She walked him back to the bed and got him lying down, putting a damp cloth over his head.  "You rest.  It must have been a small fever from the beer being bad." 

"But I'm not Robin Hood," he complained.  "I'm Lupin the Third."

"Quit teasing, Robin," she said, swatting him fiercely on the arm.  "I'll have Little John take care of the problems today."  She left him there, going to interrupt the practice to tell the next in charge the bad news.  "He's still slightly fevered," she said quietly.  "He believes he's a wolf cub.  Keeps saying he's Lupin the Third."  Friar Tuck joined them.  "It appears that you'll have to do administrative things for the next little bit.  I'm hoping it was just some bad meat or beer."

"Hopefully," Friar Tuck/Goemon said quietly.  "Can I help?"

"No, I've fed him something for his headache and put him to bed. Come by tonight to take him to his tent so I can rest too."  They nodded.  "Is anyone else sick?"

"No, but most of us won't eat at the Black Swan anyway and that's where we found him last night."

"Then it's definitely bad beer or bad meat," she agreed.  "He'll be fine soon enough.  He's a strong man, Robin is."  She walked off to pick some of her herbs, she'd be making him something for his stomach as well.  That sort of illness always came with the runs and those could kill a man if not taken care of properly.

Little John/Jigen looked at the other top member of the Merry Men.  "Are we up to this?"

"It's not different than we've done before," he noted.  "At least Maid Marian isn't here to mess things up."  He looked at the staring boys.  "Back to work.  You've got to make Robin and King Richard proud."  They went back to their sparring.  "Why a wolf?"

"I don't know," Little John offered, considering it.  "They are crafty creatures.  They are very silent predators.  Maybe it's his totem animal?  I know the Druids have been onto him to go on a dreamwalk or whatever again."

"Perhaps that's why he was at the Black Swan," Friar Tuck agreed, going to tell the herbalist that.  At the very least it might help her treat him easier.

Little John picked up his staff and went back to helping the new boys.  He saw one girl on the sidelines and stared her down.  "Do you think you want to join?  There are a few women."

"I could try," she agreed, coming over to take one of the boys' staffs.  She faced off with Little John, trying her best.  She still ended up disarmed and on her butt in the mud.  "I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. You'll be joining the class from now on," he offered.  "If you're brave enough to try, you're brave enough to learn.  Besides, even if you don't fight, you'll need it to protect you from your husband some day," he teased.  She blushed and giggled, then headed off for the river to tell her mother.  He tossed the staff back to the boy.  "I'll expect you louts to help her."

"Aye, Little John," they chorused.

"Can we work with the bows?" one younger boy asked.  "I wanna be like Robin when I finish growing."

"First you learn this then you work on the bows," Little John reminded him.  "If you're good today, I'll put you out to help trap meat."  The boy beamed and pounced the boy next to him, working as hard as he could.  He wasn't the best but he was enthusiastic about these things.  "You can see, you can do it," he told the others.  They went back to work, practicing to become one of the Merry Men some day.

***

Lupin woke up in the same hut he'd went to sleep in.  Unfortunately.  He sat up, moving the cloth from his head so he could look around the dark place.  "Hello?" he called softly.

"Go back to sleep, Robin.  Your friends will come carry you back to your hut later."

"I'm not Robin."

"Then you're sicker than we thought and we might have to drill a few holes in your skull to let out the bad influences," she told him.

"Never mind," he complained.

"I thought so.  Now, up you get.  If you're strong enough to argue, you're strong enough to want dinner.  We're having deer tonight."

"Deer?  Like bambi?"

"What?  What's a bambi?"

"Never mind," he sighed.  He took the bowl of stew from her and hesitantly ate a piece, and decided it wasn't *so* bad.  It was better than starvation definitely and someone did have a good hand with the spices since it didn't taste like something that had fur up until a few days earlier.  He ate the next piece and noticed some vegetables floating in there.  "What's that?"

"Potato."  He looked confused.  "Those things you had the boys who were being too bad for words plant?" she suggested.

"Oh.  Okay."  He ate it, he knew what a potato was.  This wasn't exactly like the ones he had at home but he could make due he guessed.  He finished the bowl and handed it back, standing up to stretch.  "If you want, I can go home."

"You're not strong enough to walk.  John!" she yelled.  He came rushing in.  "He's being stubborn, thinks he's fine even though he says he's not Robin."

"Robin, quit joking around."

"I'm not Robin!  I'm Lupin!"

"Man, those Druids did a number on you this time," he complained, grabbing him to walk off.  "Thanks, Brunhilde.  I'll bring him back in the morning."

"Not a problem, John.  Come back anytime."  She smiled at him.  "Too bad you'd never go for an old girl like me.  Such a strong man."

Lupin looked at the man who looked exactly like his best friend.  "What's going on, Jigen?"

"What's a Jigen?  Is that some new slang term?"

Lupin moaned.  "Never mind." 

"I hope it's not a bad thing.  Otherwise you will be wearing the panties soon."

"Panties?"

"Well, there's not many women here," he pointed out sarcastically.  "Until we can get more women to come in and join us, we all gotta make due somehow.  Usually we flip for it a few times a month.  Remember, you still owe us one since you decided you *had* to run off and save Marian *again*."

"Marian?" he asked, lightening up a bit.  "She's a girl, right?"  Jigen shrugged.  "Okay."  He looked around, then up at Jigen.  "What am I supposed to be doing?  Since this isn't my usual time frame?  There's no place this quiet anywhere in my world."

"Now I know you're sick, you hate noise."  He walked him into the hut they shared.  "He still thinks he's in the wrong time and that he's not Robin.  I don't know what that Druid did to him but she needs to be stopped."

"We will talk with her the next time we see her," Goemon/Friar Tuck said patiently.  "Get him into bed.  He probably needs to sleep it off."

"Sure."  He looked at Lupin.  "Go ahead and strip down to your leggings."

"I can't sleep in pants."  He sat down on the cot, undoing his boots, then taking off his shirt and belt, tossing them across the foot of his bed.  He started to pull off his leggings too but that's when he realized he wasn't wearing underwear.  He blushed and got under the scratchy blanket, just in case either of them decided to have a go at him anyway.  Maybe being sick wasn't so bad?

Goemon stood up and stretched.  "I'm for bed as well.  If you're going to drink with the boys, don't keep us up."

"Fine," Jigen agreed happily enough.  He walked out, taking his staff with him.  It never was a good idea to go out without a weapon these days. 

Goemon looked at Lupin.  "How are you feeling?"

"Odd.  I'm not from here."

"I know you say that now but in the morning things should be looking better to you."  He came over to make sure he was tucked in.  "Rest, Robin.  It'll be a long few days until you get better and we could be attacked at any time by the Sheriff or the Prince."  Lupin scowled but nodded.  "As soon as you're better, we'll make sure you didn't harm your aim with your bow any."  He walked to the other side of the hut and laid down after taking off his robe.  "Good night."

"Good night, Goemon."

"Who?"

"I meant Friar Tuck."  He mentally groaned.  This was not his day!  He looked up.  "Can I at least have the babbling one back?" he whispered.  "Please?  At least he'd understand."

"What babbling one?"

"There was another guy there earlier, he babbled a lot.  Hades took him."

"Hades?  Interesting.  Was he ill as well?"  Goemon sat up on his cot.  "Or was he an intruder?"

"I'm guessing he was an intruder.  He thought he was a spirit guide of some sort and that this was a test."

"Life is a test," he said wisely.  "It's how you prove your faith.  Now go to sleep.  I'll read to you tomorrow, Robin."

"Fine.  Good night, G...Tuck."  He closed his eyes and said a prayer to whatever God was listening to let him wake up at home again, before he went insane.   Because if he stayed here much longer, he was going to go insane and no one would be able to stop him.  Especially since there weren't many women.  He glanced over, watching Goemon as he settled in.  Some odd thoughts were swirling around in his head about him.  Him and panties actually.  He shuddered and flipped onto his side, staring at the wall as he thought.

"If you're cold, you can come over here," Goemon said quietly.

"I'm not cold.  Just restless."  He heard the other man get up and walk over, then felt the bed dip behind him.  Soon a warm body was against his back and it was a nice feeling.  Something he thought he had missed in the past.  He unconsciously snuggled back into the warmth.  It was nice being held.  An arm was put over his chest and he fell asleep listening to Goemon snore against the back of his head.

***

Lupin woke up, and realized he was still in the hut since the smell of a wood fire was very strong.  Only now the warmth was against his stomach and he could feel the breeze from a gap on the wall so that meant someone was laying in front of him.  He opened his eyes, finding Jigen staring at him.  He squeaked. 

"Sorry, Tuck said you were chilled so I decided to help."

"That's fine, thank you," Lupin said hesitantly.  He gave him a quick hug then got up and went to wash up.  The river wasn't that hard to find.  It was cold but it'd due.  He was not going to bathe less than every few days.  He didn't care how many people thought bathing once a month was cool and necessary. He waded out and dunked himself, then realized he didn't have any soap.  He heard some giggling and looked over, noticing the girls were staring at him.  "Bathing," he said grimly, dunking himself again.  One of them waded over and handed him a bar of soap.  "Thanks."  He scrubbed his bare arms and chest first, then went to work on his hair.  Lye soap probably wasn't good for his hair but at least it'd be clean and not sticking to his neck. 

"Are you sickly, Robin?" one of the women doing the washing called.  "Most of us heat up bath water you know."  The other women giggled at that.

"I couldn't wait.  My hair was sticky."  He dunked himself a few more times, then waded out farther so he could clean under his leggings.  Once he was done, he handed back the bar of soap.  "Thank you, ladies."  He waded out and was grabbed by Tuck, who drug him back to the hut and plopped him in front of the fire.  "I needed a bath!" he defended.

"You'll get your death of illness from bathing in such cold water," Tuck said firmly.  "John, toss him some clothes."

"His are all dirty."

"It doesn't matter, he's not going anywhere today.  Not with the dunking he was doing."   John tossed over a pair of leggings and a shirt.  "Thank you.  I'll talk one of the women into doing his for him until we have to rescue Marian again."  He grabbed the towel and went to work on their friend's body.

"Hey!  I can towel myself!"

"Hush!"  He kept going, forcing the shirt over him.  He peeled the leggings off, no matter how much Lupin struggled.  Then he dried those parts off and put the others on him.  "Sit there and stay warm."  He went to hang the wet things up behind the hut and came back with some broth.  "Here, drink this.  The herbalist knew you were being dumb, she saw you already."

"Yeah, you took a bath last week," John reminded him.  "It wasn't time yet, what gives, Robin?"

"I was sticky."

"Then next time don't get happy on days when we don't do the panties," John said with a smirk.

"Not that sort," he complained.  He sipped the broth, making a disgusted face.  "What is this?"

"Entrail soup," Goemon told him.  "It's good for fevers and hallucinations.  Drink it all or we'll have to force it down your throat."

"I don't know, it's kind of fun sitting on him while you force that down his throat," John offered with a smirk. 

Lupin gulped it, he didn't want to go through that.  He gagged a few times but managed to keep it down.  Goemon quit hovering so he was allowed to slump and shift around so his back was to the wall.  "What are we doing today?"

"You're going to keep warm.  John will work with the students so they learn their staff lessons. I'll work on their education and morality lectures.  You'll be staying in here however."

"I can do stuff."

"Hush!" Goemon ordered again. "You'll sit there or you'll go back to bed.  There are no other choices for you at this time.  If I must I'll have one of the new mothers come in to fuss over you."

"Mothers?"

"Yeah, my sister's just had her eighth baby and she's needing to fuss over someone," John offered.  "'Course my other sister's twelfth is sickly at the moment but she's about four now.  She's been missing fussing a lot."

"Twelve kids?" Lupin asked.  "How?"

"Easy.  One a year and the set of twins," he said with a shrug.  "You should remember, you helped deliver the last two, Robin."

Lupin shivered and shook his head. "Nope, I think I'd remember that.  Babies are scary."

"Which is why you stay away from the girls.  So that they can't get with child and trap you into a wedding bed," Tuck reminded him.  Lupin shivered again.  "John, help me get him back into the bed.  We'll take turns warming him or I'll get your sister in here to help him."

"Are you sure you want to do that?  She's a big girl and might hurt him by accident."

"That just gives her more of herself to warm him with."  They got Lupin tucked into the bed and made sure the blankets were tight around him.  "There, let's go to our tasks and then come back to deal with him once he's had a nap."  Jigen nodded, following him out to deal with the others. 

Lupin wiggled until the blankets loosened but he was tired so he went back to sleep.

***

Lupin was finally allowed out and he got a good look around. There were a lot of huts clustered around a small open area, which had a bunch of young men playing with sticks in it.

Jigen saw him looking and smirked.  "They're doing good.  Much better this month than last."  He waved at the kids.  "You guys keep going.  We're going onto the other side of the river."  He walked Robin on, taking him over to someplace more private.  "Here," he said, handing over the bow he stopped to pick up.  "You probably need some practice." 

Robin/Lupin looked at the bow.  He hadn't really used one of these before.  Crossbows, but not single string bows. He checked the arrows, noticing that they weren't much different than the ones he had used before.  Maybe he could fake this.   He followed John/Jigen across the river, smiling at the girls giggling at them.  "They're giggling."

"They're girls, they do that."  He led the way to a clearing, pointing at the targets already set up.  "There you are, go for it."

Lupin looked around, noticing it was just them.  "No Tuck?"

"He's helping some people write letters to their families in other shires."  He pointed at the target.  "Try it, Robin.  Let's make sure that illness hasn't affected you any."

Lupin figured it out quickly, notching an arrow back, then pulling it back like he saw on the movies.  He aimed down the tip of the arrow and let it go, hitting the bullseye.  So apparently it wasn't much harder than being a crack shot.  He notched another one and sent it at the same area.  It got closer to the center of the target.  He took into account the light wind.  This one hit the center and he smiled at his skills.  He grinned at Jigen.  "How's that?"

"Not that great.  Usually you could split one arrow with a second one and do it in under a minute."

Lupin looked hurt.  "I'm trying!"

"Robin...."

"I'm not Robin!"

"Fine, you're not Robin," Jigen said, sounding like he was humoring him.  "Try it again.  Try to split one of them.  At least you're not that bad of a shot."  He leaned on his staff, watching as Lupin tried it again and again.  He was hitting the targets cleanly.  "Try to split one of them."

Lupin pulled up his last arrow and focused on it, picking the thicker one to break.  He aimed carefully and tried to hit it.  He clipped one of the set of feathers.

"Not that bad.  Try it again.  Go pull the others."  Robin sighed but he followed orders.  He looked over as someone came through the woods.  "He can't split them."

"Why not?"

"He's still sick," Jigen told him.   Robin came back with the arrows, but had left one of them up there.  He worked his arrow and pulled it back, getting the arrow this time.  It broke off center.  "Better."

"Try to split that one, Robin," Tuck encouraged.  Robin huffed and did it.  This one split, but not cleanly.  "It's close enough.  We have word," he announced.  John groaned and tipped his hat down. "Yes, she needs saving."

"At least someone will be cooking for us again," John said optimistically.  "Where is she now?"

"Prince John's castle.  He's trying to move in on Robin's woman again."   Robin looked at them.  "Marian's in trouble.  Her maid found a guard and told him."

"We should go save her," Lupin agreed.  Finally!  A woman!  The only women around him right now were heavy, motherly, and wanted to baby him for being ill.  Even though he wasn't ill, he was just in the wrong time.  He wondered if the real Robin was with his Jigen and Goemon.  "When do we go?"

"Tonight," John told him.  "It's not that far."  He looked at Tuck.  "Should we do an assault?"

"Is there anything that's coming?" Robin asked.

"No," John admitted.  "It could give us a diversion."

"No, we'll be fine without it," Lupin decided.  "There's probably a way we can get in without a diversion.  That would just wear out our troops and possibly get them dead."   He looked at them.  "I need to get there to figure out a way in."

"We've been in there before," John reminded him.

"Yeah, but I want a new way," he covered.  He gathered up his arrows, keeping the broken ones out of his quiver.  They probably weren't going to be of any use.   "We should change into something more subtle."

"Why?  Usually we steal a uniform on the way in," Tuck pointed out.

"Guys, humor me," he ordered, walking off.  He followed the small trail back to the river and waded across, making sure his weapons didn't get wet.  He jogged up the other bank, finding more people in the center of the huts, some on horses.  He noticed one of them had a uniform on and knocked an arrow back, firing on him.  Just a wound but a serious one.  Maybe that person would have to drink the entrails soup.  He heard a yell and John waded in, so Lupin knocked back another arrow, shooting another person with a uniform.  That one fell. 

"Robin!  Don't kill them!"

"Sorry."  He dropped the bow and arrows, wading into the fight.    One guy in a uniform was different so he focused on him.  He seemed like he had some training, but he wasn't that good.  The guy went down to some martial arts moves and then he got him on his stomach and tied up uncomfortably.  He looked at the next one and he screamed, and the guards gave up.  "Thank you."  He looked at John.  "Aren't they not supposed to be in here?"

"Yeah, and they won't remember it either," he promised.  "Nice knots, Robin."

"Thanks.  Having to duck the cops has been very educational," he said sarcastically.   He looked at the people on the ground.  "How did they get in here?"

"They chased a deer, Robin," one of the boys from earlier called, pointing at the dead deer.  "We brought it down and clubbed them."

"Okay then," he agreed, looking at John, then at Tuck.  "Can we make sure they can't find their way back?"  They nodded.  "Good.  You handle that, I'm going to start for the castle to find Marian before she gets into trouble."

"Not alone you're not," Tuck said simply.  He pulled his sword and killed a few of the guards, leaving the sheriff alone.

"Huh, a samurai friar.  The world is an odd place," he said dryly, heading off to change into something better to go break into a castle in.  He came out and found someone saddling a horse.  "Mine?" he asked.

"Yes, Robin.  We noticed that you're sick and Friar Tuck said that your illness was stopping some memories so I thought I'd be nice." 

"Thank you," he said happily, checking the saddle before climbing up into it.  This time it was easier, even though his thighs were protesting being open too far.  He smiled at the youngster.  "Do whatever John tells you.  I'll be back later."  She nodded, getting out of the way.   He kicked his horse into a trot, heading out of the enclosed village.  Someone coughed and pointed when he paused to look around, earning a smile from him.  "Thanks."

"Welcome, John said to watch out for you.  You sure you want to go alone?"

"Yeah, I'm good for a rescue," he agreed, heading off in the direction pointed at.  "Thank you."  He nudged his horse again, letting it go as fast as it wanted.  It apparently wanted to run and he was okay with that, even though he was holding on for dear life.  He heard hoofbeats behind hin and glanced back, grinning at his two best friends.  "Am I going the wrong way?" he asked as John caught up to him.

"No, but she'll trip if you don't slow her down," he called over.  "There's marshy land ahead."  The horse started to go a bit slower. 

"Apparently she knows this."  He slowed his horse down a bit more, which made John look relieved.  "I can rescue Marian myself."

"Tough."

"Fine."   Secretly he was happy about this.  At the very least they'd be at his back.  They made it to the castle later, about at dusk, and stopped just out of sight of it.  He could see them but they were hidden by the woods and the darkness.  Now he was very glad he had changed into something dark brown.   Below him was a smallish castle.  Nothing too grand or ornate.  He mentally mapped where the halls had to be.  Places like this had small, hidden areas, but most of the hallways were standard around the edges of the walls.  He looked at John, who was staring at him.  Then at Tuck, who was staring at him.  "What?"

"How are we getting in this time?  The standard through the sewer?  Through the gateway in disguise?  In with the animals?"

"It looks like there's a scarf coming from one room," he said, pointing at the scarf.  They looked at him, then at the scarf, shuddering.  "So we'll go in overhead."  He got off his horse, but grabbed the rope and grappling hook.  He noticed there were some trees nearby and headed down to get into one.  This wasn't so hard and it was nearly close enough to get over to that room.  A bit daring, but once it was fully dark out it'd be better. Overhead, a bit of thunder rumbled, making him groan.  He hated working outside in the rain.  He noticed the guards heading back into the castle and the gate being pulled up.  The animals were being herded inside as quickly as they could.  The back gate was closed as soon as everything was inside. He noticed a few sheep still outside, whistling quietly at Tuck, who was staring at him.  He pointed at the sheep, getting a nod in return.  He checked, no one was on the walls.  They were apparently afraid of rain too.  He got out as far as he dared and tossed the rope over, catching the edge of the wall next to the window.  He tied it around the main tree.  He carefully got up onto the rope, noticing the small amount of sag, but not too much, and walked across.  He hopped down onto the wall, looking at the tower next to him.  It wasn't smooth.  He couldn't get a woman back down it though.  He pulled himself up to glance inside.  It was a pretty woman who was hiding her face.  "Pray tell, Marian."  The woman flinched and he ducked off, heading back down the wall since she didn't react the way he had expected.

"I take it that's not her?" John asked as he walked across the ropes.

"I guess not.  She flinched."  He looked around.  "Dungeons?"

"Probably."  He led the way, going down to the main courtyard, moving across the shadows to a small door.  He ducked down it and headed through the root cellar to a smaller door and ducked through it. 

Robin/Lupin hurried after him when he heard the first blow, coming out the other side and pulling his dagger to take out that guard.  Then they snuck down the halls.  John found the cell and waved.  "You know, I should start charging sex for rescues," he said as he looked inside. 

He got the shock of his life.

Zenigata?  He was Marian?

"What the fricken hell?"

Marian batted her long lashes.  "If I must, as long as you don't besmirch my honor or else my cousin, Richard, will get very upset with me.  Now get me out!"  Her voice was husky and falsetto.  It was odd and creeping Lupin out badly.

"Fine."  He knelt in front of the door, picking the lock quickly.  Then he got out of the way and let her out.  "Come on.  Can we get out through the courtyard?"

"Sure," John agreed.  "How're we going to get the rope back?"

"Easy," he said cockily.  "Take her with you, I'll get the rope."  John nodded and pulled Marian off, while Lupin took their route back up to the wall and got the rope.  He wasn't sure if he wanted to run now or not.   Zenigata was his Marian?  He was boinking that?  He shuddered and got back across the rope, untying it so he could release it.  It fell to the ground but he could pick it up on his way out.  He decided he did want to run away after all.  He climbed down the tree, noticing Tuck had the rope around a sheep's neck.  "We done?"

"The others are on the back of the saddles," he agreed.  "Marian?"

"He, um, she's with John."

Tuck grinned.  "It's amazing that one of the few families with that physical problem is the royal family."

"Not with the way they've inbred."  He walked off with the friar, going back to his horse.  He couldn't escape now but maybe he could get away once they were heading back to the village.  "What are we doing about the sheriff?"

"By the time the boys get done with him, he's going to be more ill than you were when we found you at the Black Swan."  He clapped him on the back.  "Here he is and we've got an extra one."

Little John looked at the dead sheep behind him, then at it.  "My horse is probably strongest."

"Good point."  Friar Tuck pulled his sword and cut the sheep's throat, killing it quickly, then eviscerated it right there.  He handed it up, helping John tie it on top of the first one.  "We'll eat good for weeks now."  He got up onto his horse and turned him around, heading back to the village.

"Come on, Robin, you two can suck face back at home."

"Yeah, I guess we can," he agreed, reluctantly heading after them.  Marian was on the back of his saddle and had his arms around him.  He pinched himself but he was still on a horse with a dead sheep and Zenigata behind him.  Now he knew he had been drugged by someone.  Either that or he was in hell.  Of course, if he was in hell, then Jigen and Goemon should be in hell with him.  Maybe not Goemon since he was Shinto and believed in reincarnation, but at least Jigen should be with him.  Instead he got a semi-Jigen with a staff and no hat most of the time. And Zenigata as his long-time love. Things were just not fair.  He pinched himself again.

"Are you all right?" Zenigata whispered in his ear.  He nodded quickly.  "I'll gladly pay your price whenever you're ready but you know what Uncle Richard said about my maidenhood being intact when he got back or he'd punish whoever took it."

"That's fine.  We can wait," he promised.

"Don't worry, we can do it the other way," she/he promised, kissing him on the back of the neck.  "Hurry up, this sheep stinks already."   Robin nodded, making the horse trot a bit faster.   She caught up with the others, smiling at them.  "How are things back at the village?"

"The Sheriff was out deer hunting and ran into us," John admitted.  "We left them in the boys' hands to torment.  By the time they're done the Sheriff will be crying for mercy and so confused he'll never be able to find his way back."

"Good," she agreed happily.  "What are we doing with the sheep?"

"We'll put them into the community pot, with first preference for the families and the herbalist," Lupin decided.

"Good idea, Robin," Friar Tuck agreed.

"Yeah, it'd help some of the littles to get some fresh meat," John agreed.  "I'll tell my sisters."

"How many families are there?" Marian asked.  "I know Sophie was thinking about capturing her man."

"Oh, she did," John agreed with a smirk.  "The usual way, they'll be a very fertile union."  He winked at her.  "So, are you giving it to all of us for helping rescuing you?"  She blushed.  "No pressure or anything."

"You're being naughty, Little John."  She gave Lupin's stomach a squeeze.  "He's my hero and he'd never make me share."

"Just teasing, Marian, get the stick outta yer butt."

She smiled at him.  "Why would I have anything up there?  I've been in that dungeon now for a week.  Prince John offered a few times and threatened once, but he never came near enough to even try that."

"That's good, we'd have to kill him otherwise," John offered.  She smiled at him for that.

"Then again, a woman such as yourself deserves something better than a mere stick." Lupin offered, though he wasn't sure where it came from.  She gave him a squeeze and he shivered a bit.  "Are we detouring?"

"You said to put the sheep into the community pot, it's best to do that tonight," Tuck reminded him.  "Three of the four are on the long way home, the other we can trust to one of ours who just married into the village.  He'll send it over."

"Good."   They rode through the villages, pausing briefly at a house while a woman came out and got the sheep from them.  The last one had a man and a woman, who was very pregnant.  "One goes to the other community," he ordered.

"We figured as much, Robin.  I'll send it over."  He grinned and patted the baby's stomach.  "We'll be namin' 'im after you if we can."  Robin felt himself smile.  "Good night, gents, and Marian," he said, tipping his cap.  They rode off again and he went to get their old horse so he could carry that one off to the next village.  Those four needed to unwind after a good save. It was the way things were in the Merry Men.

***

Tuck and John headed to the other bed, leaving Robin and Marian alone, more or less.  John looked at Tuck and grinned.  "Flip ya for it."

"Fine."  He flipped John and smirked at him.  "I win."

"That's not what I meant.  I meant flip a coin, not me."  But he was smiling.  It was all good to him.

"Can't you two play outside?" Marian asked.

"No, it's raining, we'll be as sick as Robin was."

"You were sick?" she asked, touching his cheek.  "Are you better now?"

"No," Tuck told her.  "His aim's still off, his mind's still befuddled, and he's still having odd thoughts about not being Robin."

"Yet you came to save me anyway?" she asked, giving him a kiss.  "You're one of the best."

"Yeah, well, it's nothing," he admitted, lying down on the bed.  She...he laid down beside him, kissing him again.  "Are you sure?"

"You're not contagious or the other two would never have let you out and they'd be sleeping somewhere else.  It's fine."  She kissed him again.  One of her hands went under her, working on the strings tying her dress closed. The other was working on his shirt.  "There, that's nicer," she said, moving closer to him.  She sniffed him.  "You smell like you've been sweating."

"It was probably from his dunk in the river the other day," John told her from where Tuck was working on his shoulders.  "Thanks."

"You're welcome.  You get so tense sometimes."  He continued to work on the sore parts.  "How are the boys coming along?"

"Well enough.  We'll have to take them into the woods to finish their education soon," he said with a small smirk.

"Good.  I'll plan it with the parents tomorrow night."  He reached under their cot, finding the small jar down there.  "There, all ready when you are."

"Even better," he agreed with a leer.

Lupin looked up from his forced kissing of his worst enemy and frowned at him...her.  "Are you sure you want to do this with them in here?"

"There's not much privacy but we're used to it," she reminded him.  "It's not like there's kids around."  She kissed him again, making him go limp beneath her.  Apparently he was being shy tonight so she'd have to take charge.  After all, such daring while sick deserved an extra special treat.  She felt someone come over and noticed a pot being put close by, smiling at their friend and getting a wink in return.  Now all he needed was to get rid of those stupid pants, her skirt, and her underwear, all without losing the panties to one of the local boys.  She wiggled out of her clothes, shoving them between the bed and the wall to stop a draft.  She'd have to suggest that one of them fix that in the morning. While she was stunning him senseless, she was preparing herself for him.  "I wish you could take me for real, but I'm still afraid of what Richard would say," she whispered.  She got on top of him.  "You deserve something special tonight, Robin.  You're so brave."  She slid down him, making him hiss.  "Calm down.  I'm not breaking my vows to my uncle.  Just relax and let me do the work, you poor man."

"Sure," he panted.  He knew he wasn't inside his...her female parts, it felt different and not as wet.   This was tighter, hotter, and it felt different texturally.  He hadn't had any this good in years, he had almost forgot what this felt like.  Then she squeezed and his mind went blank.  At this moment, Pops could arrest him and chop off his head and he wouldn't care.  This was damn good!  He grabbed her hips, helping her move.  He could feel his orgasm coming and gripped her tighter, rolling her underneath him so he could ride her hard and fast, like she needed and like he wanted.  He could see it all now.  Her penis.  The small slit of her womanhood.  The ass he was invading.  He pumped faster, making her howl into the pillow.  "That's it," he encouraged.  "Let it go, let ...it...go!"  He came with a hard shove into her body and she wailed, letting him yank her a few times to get him off too. 

"It's a damn good thing she can't get pregnant from that or we'd have to plan a wedding really quickly," John teased from their bed.

"Go to sleep," Lupin groaned, lying down next to his lover, one arm thrown over her back.  "How's that?" he asked gently.  She looked at him and he could see something was different.  The eyes, they were green, not brown.  When he blinked they went to purple.  He sat up, looking at her, then at the others.  "No way!  I'm not here!  I want to go home!"

Zenigata sat up and kissed him.  "You've served your purpose.  You have our thanks in this recreation of your history."  She kissed him again and he blacked out.

***

Jigen Diasuke looked at the limp, naked man on the couch.  "I tell you, one minute he was there, then he was gone, and now he suddenly shows up here!" he shouted.  "You saw him, he wasn't in the car when you found us!"

"So he snuck off," Fujiko said dryly.  "So?"

"So?  Did you see him walk through the door just now, Fujiko?  We came out of putting Goemon to bed and he was there.  Naked and there.  No clothes, no door to the room opening, nothing.  Just him suddenly appearing.  Do you not find this strange?"

"Are you thinking he was kidnaped by aliens or something?" she asked, disgust coloring her voice.  "Really, Jigen.  Are you sure you weren't hit on the head in that crash?"

"I didn't crash!" he insisted.  "The car was still running when you got there.  There was no damage.  Pops had been right behind us and we had crashed he would have got us.  For that matter, frick if I know if it was aliens or not! All I saw was a damn big headlight!"

Lupin opened his eyes.  "Could you please quit," he moaned.  "It's bad enough they couldn't wake me from that nightmare before I had sex with pops, but the aliens were really mean and made me Robin Hood.  I'm going to have nightmares for years!"

"You had sex with Zenigata?" Fujiko asked, looking very disgusted now. "Eww!  You're never touching me again!"

"This coming from the woman who dated the sheep farmer who had a special liking for some of his flock?" Jigen taunted.  "It's not that weird, I had a dream about being Elliot Ness and sleeping with some of his guys."

"Doubly eww," she assured him. She stormed off. 

Lupin looked back at his friend.  "Did you at least wake up before the nasty sex scene," he asked hopefully.

"Nah, man, unfortunately not.  I slept with a few people in there."  He shuddered.  "It was nasty.  I slept with Sean Connery's character."

"Eww.  At least I only had hermaphrodites and Pops."

"Robin Hood?" he asked.  Lupin nodded with a moan, one arm going over his eyes.  "Did you see the babbling guy with the guy he called the Scary God of the Dead?"

"Xander?  Yeah.  He started out with me and Hades came to gather him but wouldn't let him play with his dog."  He looked back at him.  "I'm wondering why the aliens had them."

"Can we not discuss this?  I don't want to remember being the only samurai on Mt. Olympus or having to deal with Ares," Goemon called from the bedroom.

Jigen shuddered again, looking at his partner.  "Liquor?"

"Love some."  He stood up.

"You're still naked, Lupin."

"Not my fault.  I was wearing clothes, well, tights and a shirt.  They hadn't invented underwear apparently," he said with a grimace.  "I still can't believe Pops was Maid Marian."

"Yeah, but you were in mine too," Jigen pointed out.

"That's fine, you, Little John, were doing Friar Tuck of the headache," he said bitterly.  "I got stuck with Pops.  Goemon, liquor?"

"Please," he moaned, coming out to grab the bottle.  "No more talk of Xander and Hades please.  It's bad enough I had to deal with him for days and work on his training.  I thought I was dead and in punishment before I started a new life cycle."  He shuddered and went back to the bed with the bottle.  "At least he got to play with the dog."  He slammed the bedroom door.

Jigen grabbed another bottle to open, grabbing a third for Lupin.  This was one of those nights they'd each need their own.  A thought occurred to him.  "I didn't see Pops."

"I did," Lupin said, gulping down a few drinks.  "Much more than I wanted to know about him."

"I wonder how he was tortured."  Jigen poured the bottle into his mouth, swallowing as fast as he could.  "We're gonna need more soon."

"Room service," Lupin said simply.  "Call now so we won't have to wait."

Jigen got up to grab the phone and call down for some more liquor.  They couldn't afford to run out tonight.

***

Across town, Inspector Zenigata was downing his own bottles.  "I don't know why I was Cleopatra, but I never want to see that again," he was telling his second bottle. "It was *horrible* and Caesar was an animal!"

The End.