I Am Good.

The cloaked figure snuck into the kitchens, holding its precious bundle against its chest. It nearly laughed as it poured the contents of the bottle it held into the breakfast porridge pot, but that would wake up the house elves. This would show them he wasn't helpless and a nobody! He snuck out, smiling down at the house elf who woke up and looked at him. "Just getting an apple for a snack," he whispered. "Go back to sleep." It nodded and put its head back down, starting to snore again. The cloaked figure snuck back to its house and back into bed, putting everything under the bed so no one would know it was him until he was ready for them to know. Yes, tomorrow would be *very* interesting.

***

Ginny Weasley looked around at the students. It was cool outside this morning so it seemed like nearly everyone was eating porridge, except her and Professor Snape. He was eating a piece of toast when she glanced at the head table. So why was she feeling odd? She heard a 'pop' and looked around, trying to see who had apparated in or out, but nothing seemed different. Except there was a space that there shouldn't be at the Slytherin table. Another 'pop' heralded another empty space. "What the fuck," she whispered, looking around.

All around her, students were popping out of sight. When one popped down across from her, she stood up to look, noticing the baby lying on the bench. "Oh, damn!" she yelled, backing away. "Professors! I think we're under some strange attack!" Only Snape responded, coming down to look at where she was pointing.

"That's an infant," he said, looking around. His mouth fell open as more of the students changed in front of him. "How did this happen!"

Ginny tugged on his arm. "The porridge! Everyone was eating porridge. I saw Ron eating it right before he changed! It has to be. I had the sausage and gravy, and no porridge."

"Get off," he said, getting free of her little hands. "I'll check that myself." He looked around again. It was him, her, and one Slytherin. He looked down at the table, picking up a bowl of porridge to sniff. He resisted her attempts to take it from his hand. "Stop it," he snarled. "We have to find out whether or not this was the cause."

Ginny swallowed, looking like she was ready to cry. "We're doomed, aren't we, sir?"

"Sit!" he ordered, tired of dealing with her.

"Maybe she could call her mother?" Draco called over. "At least she'd know how to clean up the disgusting smells some of them have already produced." He carefully walked over, a few of the infants were old enough to crawl around and were doing so. He looked at the head table. "It must have been powerful if it got Dumbledore." Ginny nodded.

Snape frowned at him. "Potions know no difference between the weakly powered and the greatly powered." He looked from Ginny, to Draco, then around the room and back to Ginny. "I'll have to agree, go call your mother and only your mother." The girl nodded and ran out, avoiding all the attempts to trip her. He looked at Draco. "Call your teachers. We'll need their help if nothing else." Draco shook his head. "Now, boy."

"Fine, but I don't even want to think about most of them and infants. The whole lot of them are childless."

"Three of the lesser Banes have children," Snape assured him. "Call, now." Draco sighed but went off to do that, closing the Great Hall's doors behind him. "How on earth am I supposed to handle this?" he asked himself. There were close to seven hundred people in the school including faculty. He looked at the head table. There had been teachers missing. "Elf!" he bellowed, heading for the kitchen. One of them intercepted him. "Go find the rest of the adults and students in the school, bring them here," he ordered. "Tell them it's an emergency and you have my permission to hit Trelawany if she argues." It nodded, looking scared as it left. "Who could have made that potion?" he mused. "It would have to be someone very good." He looked at where Granger usually sat, but not even she would be that arrogant, and none of his Slytherins were that good in Potions. That was something they'd be figuring out later he supposed. First things first, getting someone in to change diapers.

***

Molly Weasley looked up as her daughter came rolling out of the fireplace. "Ginny, what's wrong?" she asked calmly.

Ginny grabbed her mother by the arm, pulling her back to the fire. "We've got bad problems at the school, mum. Everyone's a baby! Including Ron and Harry! They're all infants but me, Snape, and Malfoy! Snape said to get you and only you there now!"

"Wait!" Molly said, stopping her daughter before she was dragged off. "They're all babies?" Ginny nodded, eyes wide. "Ginny, was there bad meat at breakfast, dear?" she asked, testing her forehead with a cool wrist.

"Mother! Now!" she said anxiously. "Otherwise Malfoy will have to change Ron's diapers!"

"Fine," she sighed, following her daughter back through the floo to the school. They came out in the Headmaster's office and found Professor Snape standing there. "Babies?" she asked tolerantly.

Snape nodded. "Someone dosed the morning porridge." Her face fell. "There are nearly seven hundred crawling infants in the Great Hall at this moment."

"And of course, being a man, you've never done anything with an infant in your life, so therefore you call on the experienced parents."

"Only the ones with discretion." He gave her a grim look. "Can you imagine what would happen if this got out to the general public?"

"Or to the Death Eaters?" she suggested lightly. He nodded. "I can get the whole clan here, get me some of the Banes to help." He nodded. "Where is Professor Methos?"

"I believe he's still in bed," he said dryly. "The man is not known for his personality in the mornings." He walked off, going to try and figure out how to counter this while she made whatever excuses were necessary.

Molly knelt in front of the fireplace, calling out to her husband at work. "Arthur, we've got a situation," she said quietly. He frowned. "I'm calling a family meeting, the entire clan is needed, including Percy." He nodded shortly and his head disappeared. Molly then called the paper. "Hello, I need to place an announcement."

The witch on the other side smiled. "Having another child, Molly?"

She laughed. "No, nothing like that. I'm announcing a family reunion and meeting at my house, as soon as humanly possible about some family matters that have recently come to light. Please word it carefully, we don't want to alarm them."

The witch wrote something. "How about a Weasley Family Meeting is being called at the Burrow for 8pm tomorrow night, the soonest we can get it out to them, dear, to deal with certain family matters?"

Molly beamed. "That's wonderful. How much?"

"Nothing for an ad that small, love. Is it really bad?"

Molly frowned. "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. It's a personal problem." She waved and signed off, then called her farther flung children. "Charlie!" she said when his head popped up. "We've got problems. We're having a meeting, come now." He looked stunned. "Now, son."

"Coming, mother," he replied, still sounding shocked. "Bill?" he asked.

"Find him and drag him too. Tell your boss you won't be back for at least a week." He nodded and left, coming out of the fireplace a few minutes later with his older brother in tow. "Good, you're here. Did you get time off?"

"What's the emergency, mam," Charlie asked hesitantly. "Dad's all right, right?"

She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "He's fine. Someone's dosed Hogwarts with a potion to make everyone infants. It's us, and Snape so far."

They looked stunned and Bill actually fell to his knees with a whimper. "Oh, God. We're going to have to defend the school and change diapers?"

Ginny came running back in. "Snape said it definitely was a potion," she said, giving her big brothers a smile. "Come on, we're shifting all the kids back up to their houses and doing a search as we put them onto their beds." They nodded and followed her.

Molly smiled at their backs, then left a note on the desk saying she'd be right back, heading for the house. She found Percy glancing around like something was different. "Good, I thought you'd be the first one here. You're in charge of telling everyone what's going on." She sat him down, looking at him. "We will not talk about your outburst this summer, Percy, and it doesn't matter in this instance." He grimaced. "As of right now, everyone but a handful of people at Hogwarts are infants." His mouth opened and she dragged him through the floo, taking him to show him. He was the one who had to be stubborn if he didn't see proof. Percy whimpered and clutched the door. That's when she knew he understood. She looked at him. "Go back to the Burrow. Get the whole clan here and up to speed. I've called for a family meeting." He nodded, heading off to do that at a dead run. "Good, that's settled." She heard a scream and sprinted for the dungeons, finding Snape on the floor, swaddled in his usual outfits, crying pitifully. "Oh, dirt!" she said angrily, but she picked the poor baby up. "What did you do, Severus?" She noticed some of it had splashed on him and wiped it off with a towel, not daring to touch it herself. "You poor thing. We'll have to call in your former apprentice I suppose." She took him up to the office, going to call that nice priest fellow. He was a Bane, he could contact the others. "Father Philip Callahan," she said quietly, not wanting to upset the baby she was holding. His head popped into the fireplace. "Father, we've got a bit of a problem here at the school. We need you all, now."

"It's been attacked?" he asked, looking behind her.

"Not exactly. There was a potion in the porridge, this is Professor Snape," she said, holding the baby up. His mouth hung open. "We need you, now. Please?"

"I'm used ta older kids, but I'll be right there," he agreed, disappearing. He took a deep breaths before picking up the cellphone Blair had helped him program not even a week before, punching in a number. "Blair?" he asked in a shaky voice. "We're needed at the school, now. Immediately, yes." He smiled at the cheerful man. "Bring supplies for children, I'm sure they don't have any." He hung up and took a deep breath, making the hard call. He heard the phone ring and ring, checking the time difference. Dirt, Greg would probably be asleep. He worked nights and it was barely dark out there. The tired voice that answered made him smile. "Emilia, put Greg on, it's an emergency with a potion," he said gently.

In Las Vegas, Greg was poked until he opened one eye, then accepted the phone. "How late am I?" he asked hoarsely. The voice on the other end barely registered. "Huh?" It said something that made him sit up, turning slowly pale. "No way!" He groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Shit! And I've got a massive load tonight!" He looked at his wife. "I'll be out as soon as I can, but I've got to get Grissom into this, Philip. Yeah, as soon as possible. Thanks. Hold the fort, I'll have Emilia bring baby wipes and stuff." He handed back the phone and gave his wife a kiss. "You need to head to the school. Someone dosed them with an Everlasting Youth potion. They're all infants, including Snape." She sat up and looked at him, eyes starting to tear up. "Please? I'll grab Grissom and call off." She nodded, getting up to shower and change clothes, then do a quick round through Walmart before heading over. Greg groaned as he checked the clock, he couldn't even find a way to have sex before going off to deal with this nastiness - that alone was going to make it a horrible day. It was an hour before shift so he called the office.

"Sarah, is Grissom in yet? No, something's happened and I need him badly." He sighed. "Not like that, Sarah, with my real life." He frowned at the phone. "Now," he said in exasperation. "Unless you want to be drafted to deal with seven hundred children?" He was put on hold and a rougher voice answered. "Brass, you're not Grissom," he noted, starting to feel the headache coming faster. "I need to call off. Someone dosed the whole school with a youth potion. No, we don't know who, all I know is that there's about seven hundred infants there and the only other potion's person is one of them." He smiled. "Why?" He shrugged. "I don't think it'd hurt much. Let me call and ask, you tell Grissom to call me." He hung up and called Philip, getting a busy signal. He called Blair, getting a busy signal. He called Philip back and got a clear line. "My bosses want to know if you need the CSI'ers to come help figure out who." He laughed. "Sure, she's on her way and so am I." He hung up and called the office again. "Brass, it's me. Yeah, if you guys want to come, go right ahead. Sure, but remember, there are infants there. That means crawling, grabbing, crying, messy creatures." He laughed again and hung up, going to take his own shower and put on clothes. He considered calling Sunnydale, but thought for sure someone else would. Xander Dumass was *the* grump when someone got him up and the guy was usually taking a nap about now before starting patrol.

***

Nick Boyle ran into the Legacy's control room, looking around in shock. "Alex, you've got to come help us or I'm going to end up changing diapers for weeks."

"What are you talking about?" she asked tolerantly.

"Someone dosed my old school with youth potion. They're *all* children." Derek choked on his sip of coffee. "Please?"

"Sure," she agreed, nodding. "Should we call the London house?"

He shook his head. "Why? They couldn't get there." He smiled. "I'm warming up the fireplace, get ready." He ran out, going to deal with the practicalities. If only they could take the chopper, it'd be so much easier.

***

Willow Rosenburg answered the phone beside her. "Xander's lost phone," she said dryly. She perked up. "Hi. No, it's me, Willow." She laughed. "Of course I remember you, Sandburg. What can we do for you today?" She listened, her mouth slowly falling open. "Shoot!" she said, standing up. Everyone in the Magic Box looked at her; her having an outburst like that was generally a sign of an oncoming apocalypse. "Of course I'm coming over, right now," she agreed, nodding even though he couldn't see her. "Hey, I've got my own way and we can get Xander up." She laughed. "Sure. Thanks for letting us help." She hung up and the Scoobies started to shift closer. "It's a potions emergency," she announced. "Youth potion dosed a whole school, Xander's old school." Buffy blinked a few times. "Seven hundred or so babies." Buffy shuddered and shook her head. "I'm heading. Giles?"

"I'll be here," he said dryly. "Do have fun." She nodded and went off, going to get Xander up. She even remembered the phone he had dropped last night. She made it through most of his protections but the grabbing hand caught her. "XANDER! It's an emergency!" she yelled.

He came to the top of the stairs, looking down at her. "What are you doing?" he asked calmly.

"Someone dosed your school with youth potion. They need us."

He walked down the stairs, releasing her. "Us?"

"Us!" she said firmly. "I can help and I can change diapers."

"Sure." He flicked his wand, changing his clothes from pajamas to jeans. "Let's go." He took her hand and apparated them to the boundary, watching as she threw up a few times. "Sorry, it's a nasty trip, I know." He looked around the quiet town, smiling at the peaceful feeling. "I love this place. I think I'll retire here eventually."

She pulled on his hand, dragging him toward the school. "I know it's nap time and you haven't had any caffeine but we've got to go, now." He nodded, following behind her. He heard popping noises behind him and turned to watch as Greg and a bunch of people popped in. "Calvary?" Willow asked with a touch of humor.

"My coworkers," Greg said dryly. "They want to help find out who did it." He nodded at Xander, handing over his cup of coffee. "Here, you're obviously not a morning person either."

"I was taking a nap," he defended, taking a few sips as they walked. He handed it back when his head started to unfog. "Babies?"

"Babies," Willow agreed. "You dropped your phone." She handed it back to him just as they got to the doors. She looked at them, then tried the handle. "They're locked."

"Stand back," Xander sighed, lifting his wand. "Alohamora!" he shouted, causing them to slam open. He glanced at his wand. "I need to get that crack fixed," he muttered as he walked inside. He stopped to take a sniff. "There's a bunch of Weasley smelling people. Bill!" he shouted. Bill came jogging down the stairs. "Where do you need us, what really happened, and how bad is it?"

"Can't you smell the diapers?" Bill asked, grinning at him. "Want Slytherin?"

"Not particularly, but sure," he said with a shrug. "How many?"

"All of them. The morning porridge was dosed, Snape was deaged when it dripped while he was testing it." He nodded at Greg. "Professor Methos has him and most of the staff. It's the family, you guys, him, Trelawny, Hagrid, Malfoy, and Ginny at the moment." He disappeared again, taking the stairs up to the Hufflepuff house. The kids were always cheerful and not really demanding.

The doors slammed open again, admitting the twins. Who weren't looking very happy. "What the fuck happened?" the one on the left asked.

"We didn't even send anything up here," the other one added.

"It wasn't us this time," they said together. "Don't even try to blame this on us."

Molly came jogging out. "Good, you're here. Go up to Gryffindor, help Ginny." They looked skeptical. "Now, before I make you work with Percy." They trotted up the stairs.

"Guys, come see me in a while," Greg called. He smiled at Molly. "Is there any left?"

"There's a lot left, we had the whole cauldron taken down to the potion's dungeon about an hour ago," she told him, looking at the people behind him. "Are they here to help?"

"We're here to help figure out who did this," Sarah told her.

"That's fine, dear," she said happily. "Go with Greg, he'll get you started and he can help you get into any of the houses." She heard a wail and sighed. "Please, Gregory, fix this," she begged, going back to the teachers. McGonagall had colic and wasn't feeling well at all.

***

Molly walked back into her house, looking at all the relatives spread around. Arthur's just older brother smiled and gave up his seat for her. "You look knackered, Molly. What's happened now?" he asked.

Molly's aunt, who was only six months older than her, looked her over. "This is the second family meeting you've called, Molly, it's nearly unheard of. We haven't been this together in centuries."

Molly sighed, shaking her head. "We've managed to keep it out of the papers. Hogwarts was dosed with a youth potion. Everyone but about seven adults have taken it. We're having to rely on alumni at the moment to help." She burst out crying. "I can't do that any more! There are so many of them and only fifteen people including our children!"

Arthur rushed through the crowd to hold his wife. "Shh, Molly, we'll help of course." He looked at the nodding people. "Anyone who's willing to help, go to the school now to spare the ones who have been going all day. They've got to be upset by now with so many infants going off." Almost all the family went that way, the few who didn't went to get some more help. "Shh, Molly, you've done an outstanding job so far."

Molly gave him a watery smile. "Arthur, make sure Hagrid can't sing to Snape any more," she pleaded.

"Of course I will," he soothed, heading to take her spot as one of the most experienced parents there. He walked into the Great Hall and found a group of people he had never seen. "Hello. Who are you?" he asked.

The older male looked over at him from testing a bowl of cereal. "Grissom. Greg asked us to help figure out who did this."

"Ah!" He shook the man's hand. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I heard quite a bit about you during the reunion. You've certainly calmed Greg down, he used to bounce nearly as much as Sandburg." He went to where he could hear Hagrid singing and someone screaming. "Hagrid," he called as he walked through the doors. "Why don't you go take care of the animals and turn in for the night. I'll handle the staff." He clapped the man on the back. "You've got to be worn out after a day with them."

Hagrid smiled down at him. "S'true, but they're no trouble, Arthur."

"Still, Hagrid, Molly came home crying so I know you must be tired. Go take care of the animals and I'll stay with these little ones tonight." Hagrid gave him a hug and handed over what must have been Dumbledore, he had red hair. "Have a good night and get some rest. Hopefully we'll be able to start dosing people tomorrow." He smiled once the door was closed. "There now, it's just me and you lot." He clapped his hands together, Dumbledore was crawling up his arm. "What should we do with you?"

"Baba," Dumbledore said pleasantly in his ear.

"That's a wonderful idea," Arthur agreed. He rang the bell, summoning a house elf. "Are there any bottles prepared?" It nodded and pulled a tray of them up for him. "Thank you," he said happily. He had missed doing this, that was why he was waiting anxiously on the first grandchild.

***

Downstairs in the lab, Greg and the twins were testing the porridge to see which potion had been used. They had it narrowed down to three varieties of the same one, but the antidotes were different for each.

"Mine's negative," Fred noted as soon as the soup turned blue.

"Mine's green," George said, sounding confused.

"That means mine should be the one," Greg assured them. His turned pink and he cheered. "Yes! I am great!" He flipped open the book, looking up the antidote. "Here we are, and we can make it in mass batches," he said, handing over the book so they could look it over. "You guys take the big cauldron in here, I'll do the one on the lawn. We'll make fifty-dose batches at first."

"One slight problem," George said, holding up a finger.

"It has to simmer for three days," Fred told him.

Greg took the book back, rereading it. "Well, fuck!" he said, frowning at the book. "Where's a time turner when you need one?"

"Upstairs on the headmaster's desk," the twins said together.

"Second drawer," Fred added.

"Left-hand side," George finished with a smile. "It's a twenty-four-hour one though."

"Even a day is good," Greg noted, glancing around. "Okay, we'll need a place we won't see ourselves. Where?"

"The special potions room," Xander said tiredly from the doorway. "We're taking a shift change. Sarah is sleeping in Slytherin, Grissom in Ravenclaw, Nick is in Hufflepuff, Warrick and Alex are in Gryffindor, what's her name, the older female, is in ...Hufflepuff I think. And the cop is in Gryffindor too I believe." He leaned against the doorway. "Do not let Willow help you play with time, okay?" They nodded, smiling at him. "Good. I'm going to crash. Greg, your wife's here with a lot of diapers and baby wipes. Kiss her well for us." He wandered off, going to nap on a couch somewhere. If he went to his own room, he'd never hear anything and get up. He found a nice couch in Slytherin, next to Draco's head, and laid down, nearly instantly asleep.

When Greg walked in an hour later, he smiled when he saw Xander's fingers tangled in Draco's hair. "Those two are so cute," he told himself, going to wake up Sarah. Grissom said they were doing a tower-by-tower search now. He found her crashed in the first year boys' dormitory and shook her until she swatted at him. "Grissom said to get up, we're doing a house-by-house search now." He helped her off the bed and went to make some necessary calls. There were about six things he needed that the school either didn't keep, he couldn't find, or they didn't keep enough of on hand. By the time he was done, Xander was awake and looking at him so he gave him a short smile and created a mirror above his head.

Xander looked up at himself, noticing where his hands were. "Huh," was all he said as he untangled the soft strands and sat up. Draco groaned and he gave him a short hair stroke. "You rest for a bit longer," he said calmly.

Draco opened up an eye to look at him, then noticed the mirror. "Who put one of those up there?" he asked.

"I did," Greg told him. "That way you could check the carpets before rolling off the couch." He stood up. "We're doing a house-by-house search, want to help?"

"Sure," Xander agreed, checking the floor for infants before standing up. "Are we having any luck with the potion?"

"I've started the twins on making the biggest batch possible, but it's going to be three days. There's no way we can use the time turner, we've been all over the dungeons." He shrugged at Draco's critical look. "Three days."

"And right after that, we'll be having a test in Transfiguration," Draco said dryly as he stood up. He went up the stairs to the bathroom and came down in clean clothes with wet hair. "Should we start in here since we're the ones people usually suspect first?"

"Sure," Greg agreed, "but I think we're doing Ravenclaw first." He stretched a bit then shivered to let his muscles resettle. "This is an outrageous potion to make, it takes weeks of constant work."

"Granger?" Draco asked dryly.

"Was infantized as well," Greg told him.

"I doubt she'd do that to herself. She's not that badly off for needing attention," Xander told him.

"That sentence made almost no sense," Draco informed him.

"We've got tea in the kitchens. Let's head there, then Ravenclaw, then we'll do this one," Greg ordered. They nodded and followed him out. Fortunately, the people dealing with the children were keeping them quiet and calm tonight. They grabbed something to drink and some rolls to nibble on their way up the stairs, Sarah running after them a few minutes later.

Brass looked up as Xander broke the lock on the door, giving him a look. "You enjoy that, don't you?"

"It's actually my job," he said smugly. "I find lost things." He finished his tea and put it down on a table.

"Take it back to wherever," Catherine Willow demanded. A little creature popped up and took his mug off the table, then Draco's and Greg's mugs as well, then disappeared. "What was that? That's the second one we've seen but they seem to disappear very quickly."

"Those are house elves," Draco informed her. He had a lot of respect for the woman, she scared the shit out of him. "They enjoy their servitude and keep the place clean and running."

"They also cook meals, spoiling the students who treat them well, and can get a lot of people in trouble if they think it'd help," Greg added. Draco looked at him with a classic 'huh' expression. "Sandburg was very good about prompting the house elves to get all of Ravenclaw in trouble. We're not sure how he did it, but he was excellent at it. They never had so many house searches as they did during our days," he said smugly.

"You're still the only Slytherin the Gryffindors could ever stand to be friends with," Xander reminded him, patting him on the back. "How and where?"

"Let's each take a room," Grissom told him. "Greg, what would a potion like this need to be in? We can identify it because it creates funny reactions on the blood test."

"A glass jar or something like a large beaker most likely," Greg said with a long scratch to the back of his head. "It can't be too large or it'd have been left in the kitchens. But, if we can find a cauldron with it, that'll be just as good probably. We might still have a case of someone framing another."

"Fine. Let's take two to a room to get this done faster," Brass told him. "We called home, they're most excited that we got called into an international case."

Greg smiled at him. "You guys wanted to come," he reminded him.

"Good point, and this is not what I expected from a magic school."

"Wait until the stairs change with you on them," Warrick said dryly. That had been one trip he hadn't really wanted to be on. Someone knocked. "It's open."

The portrait opened and Nick Boyle walked in carrying boxes. "They said to bring these up here, this is the only house with an empty storage closet," he said as he carried them around the group and over to a hidden door. "Pantry." The door swung open and he stuffed the boxes in there, taking the others from his helper, Alex Moreau, to stuff in there as well. He kicked the door shut. "Any luck?"

"Three days brewing time," Greg told him. "Who's pried Madam Hooch out of the broom shed? I remember her being afraid of children." Nick shook his head. "Wonderful, want to sic someone on her?" Nick shook his head again. "We've got three days, we'll need the help."

Nick sighed. "I guess it's better than polyjuice." Alex gave him a sideways look. "It's a potion to make you be someone else for a bit," he explained. "It takes a month to brew and tastes fowl."

"Okay then." She smiled at Warrick. "Hi." He blushed and she laughed, walking over to give him a hug. "See, it's not so bad all the time."

"No, there's not a single knife-wielding maniac around," he agreed, hugging her back. "It's a nice change from our date."

"Yeah, it is," she said with a light sigh. "I'd better get back to helping with the Hufflepuffs. They're so nice, but they're also so clumsy."

"Yes, that does describe most Hufflepuffs," Draco agreed. Xander swatted him. "What? Were you sorted over there as well?" he taunted.

"Your mother said I could spank you," Xander reminded him. Draco's eyes went wide. "Thank you. Hufflepuffs are sorted over there because they're *nice*, Draco. Would you really want to room with one if they had been put into Slytherin?"

"No," he admitted. "Cheerful people annoy me. I like to hurt them more than I do Potter." He gave Xander a smug look. "I volunteer for the girl's side."

"Not a chance," Brass told him. "You're with me, Greg, you take the amazing one there. Ladies, you take the girls' side. Warrick, Nick, Grissom, fit yourselves in." He headed up the stairs.

"Other side," Greg and Xander called.

Brass stopped to look at them. "How would you know? Neither one of you were in this house from what you've said." Both men blushed. "Never mind. I don't need to know."

"It's a boarding school, you spend nine months a year here, of course you sneak in and grab lovers," Xander said as he trudged after him. He and Greg started at the bottom, letting Brass and Draco take the top floor first. They met in the center, then headed back downstairs. Only one cauldron had been found and it had tested negative for the potion. They looked at each other. "Draco offered to help us do Slytherin next."

"Hmm, we're usually the first blamed," Greg agreed.

"Why? Were you pranksters?" Catherine asked as she straightened his collar for him.

"No, we're mostly the power hungry, or already powerful, and sneaky bastards," Greg said fondly.

Xander coughed. "And some of us were so good, we started there and were resorted." He winked at Draco. "I can arrange that for you if you want."

"No. Way. In. Hell."

Xander beamed. "Come on, it'll be fun," he teased. "You can room with Ron and Harry, work on that project together, all of it."

Draco gave him a shove when he moved closer. "I can and will eviscerate you while you sleep, Dumass, remember that," he ground out as he walked away, leading the way to his house. He found Ginny Weasley in there walking a baby. "How did you get in?"

"Easy, I asked," she snapped. "It's your bodyguard who's being cranky, you deal with him," she said, holding out the baby. Draco backed away, giving it a look like it was the most horrible creature in the world. She snorted. "Thought so. I'm sure you'll do fine with your own, Malfoy."

"Ease off him," Xander warned. "People who were raised by house elves and nannies don't understand children." He took the baby to hold, making it belch on him. "There, better now?" he asked, handing it back. "We're doing a house search." He let everyone else in, watching as they split up. "Ginny, you know your housemates. Who could have done this in Gryff?"

"No one," she automatically said. He grimaced. "None of us are that malicious. Skill wise, Hermione could have. There's a few fourth years who might be able to pull it off, but I don't think they would."

"What about your brother?" Draco asked. "He fumbles a lot but they seem to find the most trouble."

She frowned at him. "If Ron had done it, he wouldn't have dosed himself, even if it meant getting caught. He's said repeatedly that he hated being so small. The twins used to pick on us by taking all the toys and hiding them on us." She walked away, taking the baby back upstairs. "She doesn't belong in that bed," she noted as she put the boy down. "She's a girl and a third year if the badge on her shirt is correct."

"I think they've been putting the babies onto whatever bed is free," Sarah told her. "This one's a Ravenclaw if I remember the tie colors correctly." She got out of Ginny's way, letting her rearrange the children to suit herself.

When the search turned up nothing, they met back in the common room, in front of the fireplace because it was chilly down there.

"I'm going to call off for the search of the other two houses, I've got to check on the twins," Greg noted, heading for the door. Grissom followed him to see the classrooms, he had wanted to see them earlier but had gotten caught up in the search.

Xander looked at the other students. "Ginny, should we even bother with Hufflepuff?"

"They'd gossip and it'd have been known about," Ginny told him.

Draco snorted. "They can't even keep their affairs secret from anyone, a real plan would be beyond them."

"Unfortunately, he's right. I hate it when I have to agree with him," Ginny pouted.

"Don't feel bad, I once had to agree with a Nazi during a philosophy class because I believed in part of his theory. It made for uncomfortable thinking," Catherine said, giving her a pat. "Are you related to all the redheads we've seen?"

Ginny smiled at her. "I've got six older brothers. Most of the adults are Dad's family." Catherine looked shocked. "We're a small community and we Weasleys have always done our best to help repopulate it after the periodic purges." She glared at Draco. "No matter who wants to bring them back."

"Do you see a mark on me?" he asked coldly. "Do you think I'm joining my father?"

Xander put a hand on his back, stroking in small circles. "I know you won't be, Draco. You're smarter than they give you credit for and you wouldn't follow along with something that wasn't absolutely certain not to come back badly on you. Besides, the guy's an idiot. He can't beat an infant, why should he deserve your loyalty?" he said gently. Draco gave him a look and he smiled. "There were a lot of people who thought I'd go to him during the first war and I proved them all wrong too, even though I was never extreme in my views on half-bloods."

Draco nodded. "Thank you for believing me."

"Sometimes that's all that matters," Xander agreed with a small smile. Draco smiled back.

Sarah coughed to break in between them. "Would this other house be warmer?"

"Sure," Ginny agreed, "follow me." She led the way up to their house, smiling when the stairs changed in the middle of the procession. They all waited for the few stuck people to rejoin them, then went up to the Fat Lady's portrait. "We're doing a search for whoever did this awful thing," she told the painting. "These are the good guys."

The Fat Lady sniffed. "I suppose so, but Slytherins?" She glared at Xander. "And you?"

"And me," he agreed happily. "I can do to you what I did to Ravenclaw's door." She opened and they trooped inside. "Ginny, help them do your dorm if you wouldn't mind," he ordered, sitting down to warm his feet. Bill was asleep so he nudged him. "Wakey-wakey. We're doing a search and at least one child will scream their head off."

Bill glared at him. "I only just laid down."

"It's three."

"Oh, never mind, I've gotten a few hours then," Bill sighed as he stood up and stretched. He followed the groups up, going to check on the babies.

Grissom and Greg walked in a few minutes later, finding Xander asleep on the couch in the warm spot left by his former apprentice. Greg smiled and called a blanket for him, nudging Draco to follow him. "Which rooms haven't been done yet?" he asked as they walked past Brass and Grissom.

"The top three."

"Okay, we'll start at the bottom and work our way up. Looking over Snape's notes, there's not many capable students in this house." He walked into the fourth year dorms, helping Draco search that room, and making sure he didn't break anything. They walked into the next dorm and found a quietly fussing baby, so he let Draco handle it. "Get him," he ordered with a hand wave as he moved to search Ron's things.

Draco sat down, looking askance at Longbottom. "What's your problem now?" he asked. He shifted and his foot clanged against something metal. His eyes widened as he did it again. "You're not capable of that," he said as he pulled it out and held it out. "Test this one."

Greg took it and ran a swab around the inside edge, getting a fast result. "It was this cauldron. WE FOUND IT!" he shouted. Draco glared as all the babies woke up.

"Greg, never scream around children, you scare them," Grissom said as he walked in, taking the cauldron to test it for himself. "Where was it?"

"Under this bed," Draco announced, shifting so his feet were on the covers and so he could watch Longbottom. "He's no good at potions. He's the most common cause of lab accidents. Professor Snape makes more fun of him than he does Potter."

"Which is a very good reason to prove that he can do it," Brass pointed out. "Humans are like that, even your kind." He looked at the boy. "What's he like?"

"He might as well be a Hufflepuff," Draco snorted. "He's one of those sweet and nice targets to play with. Never good in anything outside Creatures and Herbology. Not brave at all. We all think he was missorted. He's one of Potter's friends," he said with a wave at Harry's bed. "Helps out a bit when he doesn't trip over his feet."

"Yeah, well, kids like that often want to prove themselves," Catherine assured him. She came out with a glass beaker and held it up. "That look about right, Greg?"

He took it and held it up to the light. "With as much potion as was poured in, definitely. It wouldn't even come up to the middle line on this one." He tested that one and sighed. "It was him."

"Can we do a skin test and find it on him?" Sarah asked. "Just to make sure? I'm getting the feeling that he's the perfect person to blame this on because no one would believe it." She picked the baby up, looking at his arms. "He's got a burn by his elbow."

Greg looked. "That's a metal burn. I've had a few. Mostly from picking up a hot cauldron." He looked at Draco, who shook his head. "No chance from classes?"

"Not a chance. He blew up his last one last week," Draco said quietly. "It exploded and a lot of us had to get pieces picked off ourselves." He looked at the cauldron in the plastic bag, nodding. "This is his. It's got his initials on it, like all student cauldrons must have."

Xander came up the stairs with Hagrid, who had woken him up by the look on the younger man's face. "What's going on?" He took Neville to hold since he was fussy. Then he noticed who he must be holding by the hair color. "Longbottom did this?" He looked at Greg. "Wasn't he one of Philip's confidence building projects?"

"In Potions," Greg agreed. "He's got cauldron burns and Draco said he had to get a new one recently."

"Well, dirt," Hagrid said, taking Neville to hold. "What'd you go and do that for, Neville? You've always been such a good boy."

"I think that's the problem," Catherine said, getting out of Sarah's way so she could crawl under the bed. "He's also supposed to be very bad in potions."

Hagrid nodded. "The worst. Professor Snape's said time and again he's had to shield the room from him." He looked down at Neville. "I'm glad I don't have to call your granny, Neville. She's gonna yell like she hasn't in years."

"I'd say," Draco agreed dryly.

Hagrid looked at him. "What're you doing in here, Malfoy?"

"Helping. I found the cauldron," he said coolly. "What are you doing in here?"

"I'm about the only adult up who's been in here."

"Get one of the Weasley parents," Xander told him. "They can be impartial and it's better if they speak to his grandmother parent-to-parent."

Hagrid nodded. "I'm not lookin' forward to that talk at all." He handed Neville back and went to find one of them.

Xander soothed the fussy baby. "It's all right, Neville. Why would he have taken the potion?"

"I remember him taking a deep breath before eating," Ginny said miserably. "I thought he was blowing on it." She touched the baby's head. "He can be expelled for this and he's a really nice guy."

"Bad things never happen to the really nice guys," Brass told her. "They get extra leeway." He steered her and Xander from the room, then motioned Draco to follow. "Go sit somewhere with the baby to watch over him. Greg, see if you can find an antidote."

"It'd be visible. It takes seven drops to each one of this to cure it," Greg told him. But he went through the boy's trunk, coming up with his herb box, which he took and bagged. Someone was running up the stairs so he looked out. "Hey, guys," he said with a smile. "Take this, test it for the actual potion to make sure it's right," he said, handing over the cauldron.

"Sure," Fred agreed, nodding. "Your wife's having a screaming fit at someone."

"Coming," Greg agreed. "Be right back. Look for blue liquid." He hurried after them, going to save his wife's victim. He found her at the front door, sneering at some badly dressed woman. "Leave, now," he ordered.

"I will speak to the Headmaster and no one else," she demanded. "You can't stop the press."

"I can sure as hell change you," Greg told her. "The Headmaster is extremely busy and he does not allow reporters into the school." He slammed the door in her face, then glanced outside. He saw her change, that's why he did the net spell. He carried her into the Charms classroom and released her into a glass cage, putting the lid on so she couldn't escape. Then he leaned down to look at her. "You'll find I'm not nearly as nice as the rest of the Banes," he hissed. "People like you annoy me." He left her there, going back to get a hug and a kiss before going back to work. He even managed to get in a few gropes during the kiss to make himself feel better. He met everyone on the stairs and led the way down to the dungeons, lighting a fire quickly so Sarah's teeth would quit chattering. "Sorry, it gets cold down here."

"That's why Snape picked it for his classroom," one of the twins reminded him.

"He's not exactly one to make the world a friendly place for most," the other agreed.

"Do you drive your mother insane with that?" Nick asked.

They both looked at him. "She was insane before we came out," they told him.

The one of the left grinned. "We simply helped her a bit further down the path." He winked at his twin, who laughed.

"Sanders, did you happen to notice where our wonderful muse and teacher might be?"

"She's in Ravenclaw napping," he said with a smile. "Go, I've got this." They ran off, going to get cuddles. He grinned at his coworkers. "They're so cute. They're in love with a prankster as bad as they are." He settled down to test the potion, just in case the porridge had hidden any imperfections in the original. He came up with nothing. So he used his wand to stir the antidote, making it slosh around a bit. "Oops, bit out of practice with such large cauldrons." He got up to manually stir it. As soon as he was done, Brass coughed. "What?" He looked and found them all there, with their gear boxes. "Right, back to work," he said with a smile. "I'll get someone to make you guys a portkey." He led them back to the main entry, finding Philip and Nick talking about something. "Guys, can you get my coworkers home? You know how I am with personal transportation."

Philip smiled at him. "It's the fear of landing in that Turkish prison again," he teased lightly, giving him a hug. "How's it going?"

"Two more days of brewing," Greg said, smiling at Nick. "You want one too?"

"No thanks, I've got Alex here for that." He looked around. "Hey, Alex, there's a shuttle going home," he called. She came running down the stairs. "You want to go?"

"Sure." She smiled at the group. "I'm not that great with kids."

"Us either," Sarah assured her.

"Besides, Yun's probably missing you by now," Philip said with a smile. "How is he? Greg told me about him."

"He's good," Sarah told him, looking a little confused. She looked at Greg. "Did you help with that?"

He shook his head. "Not a bit. As a matter of fact, Emilia tried to stop you but you disappeared before she could find you."

"Oh." Her face fell. "I guess Immigration's going to be our next fight then," she said, walking outside to look up at the stars. She screamed, bringing everyone running. "What is that?" she asked loudly, pointing.

Philip looked at where she was pointing. "A Giant," he said, looking back at her. "I'd say it's part of Hagrid's family." He summoned a large branch, turning it into the portkey back to Las Vegas. "Nick, you want to go with them?"

"Nope. I hate apparating back," he reminded his best friend. "Greg?"

"Sorry, but that only leaves the twins as capable brewers and they're sucking face with Tip Top."

Philip laughed. "When aren't they?" He rolled his eyes. "Being that age, and her being hers, it's only natural that they hit each other's primes." He looked around. "I'll go with ya, then come back after I pick up somethin' for the house." Everyone grabbed on, like they had back at the office, then they were off.

All except Catherine, who had sneezed at the wrong time. "Oops."

"We'll get you back," Greg promised with a smile. "Come on, I'll help you into the floo. You'll come out in my house." He led her inside and into the staffroom, preparing the fireplace for her. "Step inside and say *clearly* Safe Haven Smut City."

She looked at him, looking very unsure, but did as he said. "Safe Haven Smut City." Her scream of terror followed her all the way home.

Greg sent home her case so it wouldn't get shaken up, but then nearly clicked his heels. He caught Philip's eyes as he walked back in and they laughed in unison. It chilled anyone who had ever heard it, including the twin's fiancé, Tipsy Ramvette. She was a champion prankster but even she gave the right of way to Greg and Philip when they were in a mood.

***

Three days later, Albus Dumbledore woke up in his own bed. He felt a bit muddle headed but nothing that a good breakfast wouldn't cure he supposed. He sat up and swung his feet around, putting on his slippers. Then he stood up and looked around what should be his room. The bed had looked like his, it had the same curtains with the same thin spots. He looked at the curtains again. Yes, it was his bed. Then why was he in the stables beside the unicorn? He gave her a bemused look. "I'm sorry, did you want to use it?" he asked, getting out of her way so she could use his bed. It was a magical school after all and strange things often happened. He walked up to the school, still slightly confused, but sure a good breakfast would cure the worst of it. He went up to his actual room and quickly dressed himself, then went down to the Great Hall when he noticed what time it was.

He found the students in there, chatting like usual. So apparently it had only been his bed. He sat down, looking first to his left to nod to those teachers, who all looked rather normal. McGonagall was wearing a fetching hat that day so he gave her a smile and a nod for it. He looked to his right, at those teachers, and paused. His fuddled mind took a moment to see that something was off. Then it realized what it was. Severus Snape was wearing a rose pink tutu and am electric blue one-piece leotard under it. And he was smiling about it. He blinked a few times and his vision cleared, showing him Professor Snape in his usual all-black garb. He smiled and nodded at them, determined to put it out of his mind. He looked over the students. Mr. Malfoy was picking on one of his ...bodyguards. Mr. Potter and Weasley were picking on each other. He leaned closer to McGonagall. "Why does Harry have red hair and Ron black?" he whispered.

"I don't know," she whispered back. "It's nearly as scary as Snape's dance outfit. I'm about to cry, Albus, do something," she pleaded.

He patted her hand and smiled at Harry. "Mr. Potter, come here, please," he called. "I've a question to ask you." Harry walked up, smiling happily. He leaned down. "Why is your hair red?"

He touched his hair. "It's not, sir," he told him.

"It is," McGonagall assured him. "And Mr. Weasley seems to have your hair." Harry glanced back at Ron, frowning, then looked at her and slowly shook his head. "Yes, he does."

"Professor, perhaps you should go to the infirmary," he said gently. "Please? We'd hate to lose you for even a day." He went back to his seat, telling Ron all about it.

"I believe I will do that," she noted, standing up and walking away. On the way there, she passed an unusual sight. It seemed that the ghosts had chained up Peeves and were using him as some sort of pinata. "Dare I ask?"

The Bloody Baron smiled at her. "No."

"That's fine then, please don't disturb the students." She went up to the infirmary and laid down like a good girl. She was starting on her worst headache ever.

Downstairs, Dumbledore excused himself to take the message the house elf was holding on a silver tray. He frowned at the contents, but then looked at the Longbottom boy. He nodded at the house elf. "Send him to me in an hour," he instructed. It nodded and ran off, going back to its duties. He walked back to his seat and sat down, wincing as what could only be described as the world's loudest fart went off - complete with realistic smell. "Oh, dear," he said in the suddenly quiet hall. "I had no idea that was coming. Excuse me." The students laughed and cheered. He went to his office to save himself more embarrassment. He hadn't realized his stomach was that touchy that morning. "It must have been the air in the stables," he decided as he sat down behind his desk.

A few moments later, Professor Flitwick tapped on his door and walked in. "Albus, I just received word that the door to Ravenclaw and Slytherin were broken," he said calmly. "Has anything strange happened around you?"

"I woke up in the stable this morning but nothing outside the norm," he admitted, frowning. "Was Mr. Dumass here?"

Flitwick shook his head. "Not at all, and even if he were why would he be in Ravenclaw? Slytherin I can understand, though I suspect that Mr. Malfoy would have let him in without him having to break the door, and the Gryffindor door would have let him in as well. Why Ravenclaw?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Ask the portrait, see if it has some idea. If it does, please tell me." Flitwick nodded quickly and left. Dumbledore relaxed in his chair and a quieter, realistic fart sighed. "Oh, dear. I know that one wasn't me. I didn't feel that one at all," he noted, standing up to examine his chair. He found the small red bag and held it up to look at it. "Whoopie cushion? Why would that make you want to have carnal relations?" He tested it but it was clearly a muggle object. "Perhaps I bought it many years ago and didn't realize it," he said, storing it in his desk.

Argus Filch stomped up the stairs and through his door, glaring at the Headmaster. "I demand you stop Snape from smiling! It's torture!"

"He's ...smiling?" Dumbledore asked. Filch nodded. "Then I shall speak with him of course. Thank you, Argus. Oh, would you be a dear and have someone retrieve my bed if the unicorn is done with it?" Filch looked at him like he was mad but left to do as he asked. No one really denied the old man anything. Dumbledore settled in to try and figure out why he needed to talk to Longbottom about his potion. What potion? His grade in that class or was it a specific potion? He was still feeling very confused.

From downstairs, a great number of students laughing caught his attention but he couldn't figure out what they could be laughing at. They should still be at breakfast if his clock was correct.

***

Tipsy Ramvette closed the viewing portal, smiling at her pranksters. "You two are so good," she told them, giving them both cuddles. No one had realized she had stayed at the school with them for a few days. Her animagus form was so small that she could hide in their pockets and no one would ever be the wiser that they were carrying around a pure black ferret.

Fred smiled, a dopy, lovestricken look. "The best pranks are the ones where they know it's something but can't quite figure it out," he agreed.

"Dumass nearly ruined it for us," George said, grimacing at a wall, "but I'm sure they can be talked out of thinking it was him."

Tipsy laughed. "Someone really should give the boy an everlasting key, but I think I'll leave that up to Draco after he breaks his door one too many times." She winked and changed down, crawling into Fred's pocket today, it was his turn to carry her around. She looked up at their messy, black hair and beamed at her own brilliance. She had taken what Philip and Greg had wanted to do and brought it one step higher. Confusion would allow her to reign supreme! She was the Queen of Pranks! On the way out the door, she squeaked at the Fat Lady's portrait, winking because her dress was now white with large black dots, just like a cow. Let's see how long it took for some of the student to cry because they couldn't find their house door.

The Fat Lady looked down at herself and sighed. "I haven't seen this dress in years," she said pitifully. "That woman must be around." She shifted position, trying to find one that made her look less rotund in this dress. She didn't want to look like a cow, it made her look worse.

***

The next morning, when everyone got up, everything was back to normal. Those who had seen Snape's outfit the day before were still giggling, but he hadn't been aware of it. Those who had noticed the more subtle changes in the school watched for them, noticing that the more subtle, the longer they were lasting. The Weasleys all had bright red hair again, so at least that was back to normal, though Harry Potter was presently a Malfoy Blond. It made him look odd but some people thought it was very cute, Ginny included.

Malfoy didn't, he pouted until the mail came, then he smiled at the nice present he received. The chocolate covered emerald ring made his whole week. It took him nearly an hour to get all the chocolate off it and it did fit his hand rather well if he had to be honest about it. He took his free period outside, like the note had said, and found himself sitting next to his keeper suddenly, in another town. "How did you get me here?"

Xander grinned. "These are the ruins of the family home," he said, putting an arm behind Draco's back to steady him. He pointed out the features that used to be there, before the fire. They could see a small bit of building starting from the rubble, and Draco breathed in when the front room rebuilt itself. Xander breathed in his ear. "It's one of the better charms I've ever found, the one to make a real home," he whispered, then he stood up and the bench was back at the school.

Draco took a few deep breaths. He stood up and headed inside, the bell had just rung by the way everyone was moving. He had Charms so he walked in and up to the teacher. "How would a home building charm work?" he asked.

Professor Flitwick smiled. "They're very complicated, Mr. Malfoy, but I have a wonderful book on them if you'd like to look through it." Draco nodded so he called it over, handing it to him. "There you go. That is a beautiful ring. A family heirloom?"

Draco held it up to look at it, noticing the family crest floating in the center of the ring. "Not my family," he said quietly, then he smiled, showing it off. "He covered it in chocolate for me. I had to lick it clean."

Flitwick smiled. "I'm glad he's taking such good care of you, Mr. Malfoy. Sit down so we can proceed with class and I'll help you send him something later."

Draco paused. "How did he move the bench there?"

Flitwick laughed. "That is something I cannot tell you. He will have to. I'm sure he knows the spell by heart, he's supposed to have moved his camp each week without breaking it, fires and all." He pointed at Draco's seat. "Go sit." Draco nodded, going over and sitting down. Goyle looked at his hand and whistled. "Yes, it is pretty, but we must move on to something more whimsical today," Professor Flitwick announced. "Today, we will be doing gust charms. These are often used to open doors or to take someone's cloak off them when they enter covered in mud. I'm sure most of your parents used one at some point." Most of the students nodded but Draco got the most wicked look on his face, making the Professor very happy he had caught the clue. That should teach Dumass not to break the lock charms on the paintings from now on.

The End.