Xander walked in the next morning and got a single flower with a note attached. "Any idea?" he asked the sign in officer.
"No, Winchester. I thought it might be a girl."
Xander looked at her. "Most of the girls I've dated would've left body parts." She shuddered. He opened the note and groaned, taking it to Speed since he noticed Horatio wasn't in yet.
"I didn't know we were dating," Speed said dryly when Xander tried to give him the flower.
"Read the card, Speed." He gave him an impatient look. "My suitor struck again."
He read the card and burst out giggling. "Oh, where is H?" he muttered, pulling out his phone to text the contents of the card to him. He grinned. "Give it to Max for all the fussing she'd do."
"I'm worried she'd be insulted."
Xander took the flower, leaving him the card, and walked over to DNA. "I think my suitor mistakenly left this for me. The card said the fair one should have it." He kissed her on the cheek and walked off.
"Awww," she said, sniffing the flower. She found a juice bottle in the trash and filled it with water for her new flower, patting it gently. She saw Speed with a card. "Is that the card?"
"Yup. His suitor gave the lab a donation. Horatio's going to throw fits later." He smirked at her.
"Think how I feel," Xander called. "But hey, no body parts with this one."
"Good point." He stopped Frank coming in. "Horatio?"
"I saw him on the drive in. He stopped to get some coffee I think." He looked at the card Speed held up. "Someone wants which one?"
"Aw, crap. Another price on his head?"
"No. The last one delivered us eight human hearts. We think that was the retribution team." Frank walked off shuddering. Speed walked down to stop Horatio from getting out of his hummer, holding up the card when he rolled down the window.
Horatio sipped his coffee. "Did this one come with parts as well?"
"A flower he gave to Valera. She's going girly over it."
"Is he all right?"
"So far. Looked a bit freaked out."
Horatio took the card. "Any idea where this donation might be?"
"I'll call downtown then." He rolled up the window and made the call from there in case he had to drive off again. "Sir, Horatio Caine. Yes, I am calling about that donation. My ballistics tech got given a card attached to a flower announcing it. Yes, much nicer than the body parts but we do think it solved some of the people who wanted to kill him." He listened. "That's an interesting gift. What would you like me to do with it, sir?" He smiled.
"I think we can do that, yes. I'm sure the lab would like that." He sipped his coffee. "We could replace some of the very thin, dangerous glass Miss Boa Vista had them put in with something more sturdy that won't cut someone." He smiled. "That would be reasonable. Let me know, sir. Just don't agree to sell them my ballistics tech." He hung up and got out, seeing the expectant look. "Gold bars," he said quietly, making Speed moan. "A lot of gold bars appeared in his office as a bribe to consider giving Xander to him. He has said he's not going to hand him over."
"Does this mean we can get rid of the ugly teeth-like glass things before they cut us all?" Speed asked.
"Possibly." They walked inside together, him going to brief Xander quickly so he could get back to work. He found his office still redecorated and sighed, shaking his head. "He'll yell because my paperwork isn't here," he complained. A twinkling caught his eye as the room seemed to expand and give him a very old looking, clearly used, executive style desk with all his folders on it and some nice shelving units behind it, plus his computer. "Thank you," he said. "You still can't own the boy. He's not for sale, but I do appreciate the paperwork back."
He sat down and saw it was mostly filled out, in a language he did not know. "English?" he asked hopefully. It was changed and he got to work on what needed to be corrected to make it look better. "Thank you for your help. You still can't have Xander." He did wonder if his other self in the life where Xander had all the hair and the hormones had these sort of issues. A note floated down about what that Horatio had happen to him thanks to knowing Xander. He shivered and put it into his desk drawer. Those were some bad thoughts.
Xander came home that night, looking at John. "Gold brick demon struck again. Gave the Chief twenty of them as a bribe to consider his suit. One of them filled out Horatio's paperwork for him too." He hugged Dean and Sam. "You seemed to disappear for a few days."
"We got waylaid when the radiator blew on a hunt lower in the county," Dean admitted. "You still creeped out?"
"Kinda, yeah." John grunted from where he was reading. "He's not possessed again, right?"
"No. We checked when he only waved at us." He let Sam have Xander. "Dinner?"
"I could eat."
"Max said you forgot lunch," John said, looking at him.
"No, I missed it in case I got given another gift. People are starting to talk."
"I can understand that. Dinner's in the fridge, boys."
Xander gave him a hug too. "Did you find a new hunt?"
"Yup." He smirked. "Something's bothering the shopping area you dragged Wolfe to."
"He looks nice."
"I'm sure he does. Are you two still heading out on payday?"
"Probably." He grinned. "It's not like it's a date." He grinned at Sam. "We're finally done with the backlog."
"Congrats. I heard about that. How good is the overtime?"
"Nearly thirty hours total on this paycheck." Dean moaned at that, shaking his head. "It was necessary and that guy's suspended and probably fired. They've got to get him before the board next week for the misconduct."
"Good," John agreed. "Go eat, kids." They settled in to nibble on the food John had made earlier. He smiled at his boys. They were playing nicely for a change. He hoped. Dean might be planning to prank the other two.
Anya appeared with the head of the demon who wanted Xander. "You're mine and staying mine. He can't have you!"
"You can't have him," Dean pointed out. "You'd lead people to him."
"Not to mention stealing from his bank account again," Sam added. She sulked. Xander pulled her down to kiss her. "But thank you for killing the one who wanted him, Anyanka."
"Why can't I have him back?" she whimpered. "I miss him."
"Because you'd lead the watchers to him," John said. "Not to mention that compulsion would make me kill him and you if you two did get together in a permanent way."
"Thank you for protecting me," Xander said gently, smiling at her. "If I could, I would, Ahn, but I can't. Or else they'll kill me and the people around me. I can't do that to these guys or my friends."
"Shoot." She pouted, handing him the head. "Can I still protect you?"
"Sure," he agreed with a grin. "Because I'm kinda creeped out by this bidding war for my butthole." Sam swatted him. "They did!"
"Don't care, it's not polite," John told him. "You can protect him but you can't have him back, Anyanka. You need to find a nice boy you can have all to yourself."
She disappeared, going to pout at D'Hoffryn, who offered to let her take out the others that wanted the boy. It would only make him safer and he wouldn't come after them. Or send the Winchester clan after them. It was good for business and his wish demons would get more work from this.
Xander walked in the next morning wearing very dark sunglasses, heading up to the office since it was open. "I have a headache and you're about to too."
"Why am I going to have a headache?" he asked, looking up. "Were you turned?" He was wearing a black suit and shirt, black socks and shoes, had his hair done. Maybe it was a funeral?
"No. I have to appear before a disciplinary committee about this gifting crap because the bank told the Chief. Which means I need you there as a witness."
"I can do that. When?"
"Ten. I got told last night."
"Fine, we can do that." He looked him over. "You could have worn something lighter."
"I'm having a bad day, Horatio. Anya took out all three of them for me." Horatio moaned at that. "Who then left me things because by demonic law they had claimed me as their spouse." Horatio whimpered, shaking his head. "The black suits my migraine." He walked off. "Let me tell the boss." He leaned into ballistics. "You won't guess what happened."
"I already heard." She smiled. "You'll do fine, Xander. Don't babble and don't use anything that might be twisted back on you. Like in a regular testimony time." He nodded. "That's a nice suit." She came over to touch it. "Cotton?"
"Egyptian cotton," he said with a grin. "Fairly expensive but I got it for a steal because the salesman liked me." He winked. "It's at ten so I'll try to be back by lunch."
"I'm sure it'll be fine." Horatio came down to gather him. "Will you need me to testify?"
"Probably not," Horatio admitted. "If so, we'll call for you and Speed." He walked Xander out, taking him down to the hummer.
"Who died?" Hagen asked.
"It suits my migraine because the ones who wanted me died and left me stuff, and they told the Chief so I'm in trouble," Xander quipped with a short run of his fingers through his hair. "I'm going to have a breakdown later."
Hagen gave him an awkward shoulder pat. "You'll be fine. It's not your fault you got stalked, kid."
Xander looked at him over the top of his sunglasses. "Have you seen how one of them redecorated Horatio's office on him?" Hagen shuddered so Xander walked on. John could peek in later to see if it was that badly done. "C'mon, Horatio. Let's go see if we can beat Stetler down this time too."
"You know, he would be a good witness," he said as he started the engine.
"Yeah but then he'd try more shit against me and I'd have to retaliate." They shared a look and he grinned. His phone beeped. "John said hi."
"I'm sure he did." He backed out of the parking space and headed downtown to the administrative building. They walked in together.
"Mr. Winchester," the Chief said, staring at him. "Why did they call me?"
"I have no clue, sir. No one tells me anything other than they wanted me." He sat down where Horatio pointed, letting him sit next to him facing the panel. "All I knew was that those ones wanted me and were pushy. They were pushy back in New York. They were pushy down here. One redecorated Horatio's office on him. One got the broken wall in AV fixed. No clue other than they liked me for where and when I was born apparently."
"Broken wall?" one of them asked.
"One of the painfully thin glass walls," Xander told her. "AV Tech Cooper was trying to unstick his door and pulled a bit hard, causing it to shatter. One of them had it replaced with a better substitute at the same time I bought the new things for our lab, after that one tech decided to destroy it in a girlish hissy fit. He was caught skipping samples."
"I've heard about that one." They looked at each other. "Lieutenant, they redecorated your office?" He pulled out his camera to show them pictures.
"That's tasteful I suppose," one said, handing the camera on. "But it doesn't look too office-like or useful."
"My desk is but the couches are a bit slick in the humidity. They're horsehair, sir. I'm having them looked at to see if they're reproductions or antiques. I know at least one of the books he left was a first edition."
"Have we found a way to discourage others from coming?"
"I can't really change where I was born but I'm told my ex-girlfriend is the one who took care of those three and is huffy about anyone trying to take me because she wants me back but it'd be hard with the price on my head."
"Your ex-girlfriend?" one asked, looking confused.
"Yes, Anyanka is my ex-girlfriend. We were actually engaged when the problem started so I had to break up with her before I ran off."
They stared at each other then at him. "Do you often date such people, Mr. Winchester?"
"Actually, only she and one other haven't tried to kill me. One did try to snark me to death and cut my self esteem to shreds, but she didn't physically try to kill me. Which is why a good portion of the people I know want me to be gay instead of bi." Horatio coughed. "Sorry if that was TMI."
"Is she going to stop any further ones?" the Chief asked. "I did like that donation in gold bars."
"I got some in New York too. We had to tell them Mac Taylor owned me and he ended up calling in Internal Affairs since they were trying to bribe him to give me up. Didn't fully work then. I'm hoping they don't start again later on."
"There's no way you can stop them?" one demanded.
"How do I change my birthday and where I was born and raised?" he asked. "They think I'm specially gifted thanks to those two facts, ma'am. Somehow they managed to find out even though I'm on my fourth identity thanks to the death threats against me. They consider me mystically special or something."
The Chief nodded. "There's really nothing you can do about that or that they followed you down here after spotting you in New York. Though I have heard there was movement on one of the contracts?"
"After the idiot tech who destroyed my lab...." Horatio coughed. "Sorry, I can put that more politely if I offended someone." They all shrugged. "Anyway, he found the people that had the bigger contract on me and wrote them a nice email as Rick Stetler found out." The board all whimpered. "Then one of the ones who wanted me kindly gave Horatio a bag of eight human hearts with a note in it saying that this cell was not going to be much of a problem anymore," he finished dryly. "We've found all the bodies but one so far."
"Could others take it? Another cell perhaps?"
"They were a splinter of the original group," Xander told them. "I'm still cautious because there's still the first one that caused me to go into hiding, but I'm relatively certain they're not going to come."
"This first one?"
"A group of paranormal researchers from another country want to dissect me thanks to a mistake a friend made. I did my training after that to start a new life."
The Chief looked at him. "I'd still like to know why."
"And if you catch me alone without cameras I might tell you but not here, sir. It's too open and I didn't search for bugs."
"That's a reasonable precaution with what's after you," he said. "Later on?"
"If my lab isn't backed up because Calleigh's alone, sir."
He smirked at the boy. "That was a polite smartass remark, son."
"John does try often."
He laughed. "That's a good try then." He stared at him. "How many others might want you?" Xander shrugged. "What do you plan on doing with the things that they left you?"
"I don't know. I know the NYPD IAB captain made me donate half when it happened up there."
"I heard how you dropped it off in his office."
"I figure he had heard the higher ups complaining since he hung out with them, sir."
"Some people do enjoy the politics," he agreed. "Fine. Does anyone have anything else we need to know about this strange, difficult situation?"
"You would donate to our widow and orphan's fund?"
Xander pulled out his checkbook, then the other one once he had checked the balance, writing one out there and getting up to hand it to her. "Of course I do, ma'am."
She looked then stared at him. "You had money?"
"I was lucky enough to find a running away fund," he said blandly, staring her down. "In a non illegal manner. They checked that too when they heard I have money."
"Thank you, Winchester." The board left to get the bank people. The Chief came over to help him with Horatio since the boy looked so clueless.
Xander had a sore wrist by the time he was done. Then he sent it all to John to handle and cackle over. They went back to work and Xander immediately stripped down to pants and a t-shirt. Horatio gave it an odd look when he came out of the changing area. "Yes, today is one of those days," Horatio decided.
Xander grinned. "I know. John doesn't want me to wear my shirt saying I need minions at work. He said someone might think I'm recruiting." Horatio walked off smiling at that. He walked into ballistics. "I'm back and magnificent."
Eric was in there and looked at his t-shirt. _Some days, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints._ "Bad meeting?" he guessed.
"Not really. A lot of papers I didn't want to think about since they left me stuff." He sat down, looking at Calleigh. "Do we have work yet?"
"I'm looking at this strange one you found that has no striations." She looked at his t-shirt then snorted. "With the morning you had I'm not surprised."
"I sent John all the paperwork from the bank just now."
"He's going to swat you," she pointed out. Xander nodded. "Are we sure it's a bullet or something, Xander?"
"The envelope said it came from inside someone's leg. I'd assume so. It has marks from being compacted in the air from friction." He put it up on the big monitor. "I'm not sure what fired it unless they did like that one case of Mac's and made a homemade barrel with something to hit the firing pin hole."
"What did they use up there?" she asked.
"Steering wheel club." She gave him the strangest look so he grinned back. "The adjustable part was smacked into the shell and it fired out the end of it."
"Wow. They were creative at least."
"Over the teenage girl the victim and old lech was dating. The guy wanted her. Now, the shell casing didn't come out, Mac found it in there, but yeah, he used The Club as a gun."
"Huh." She looked at it. "It might've been. It's clearly been shot out of something with the friction marks. They're not symmetrical so it didn't spin well. That means it had to be done from close range." She looked at it. "Was it the cause of death?"
"A piece broke off and caused a blockage plus the infection was making him go anyway," Eric said.
Xander stared. "Let's play the diameter game. It couldn't have been too tight to it." That got a nod and she took a measurement. "Give it a little bit of room but I'd say the friction marks meant that it had a bump inside. Some sort of deformity in the tube." He opened a drawing program to put that up. "We'd need something to hit the powder, however he packed it. So fuse tube or hammer."
Suddenly Eric realized what it was from the drawing. "Fuse tube. He reused a fireworks container. I did it when I was younger to make more sparkles and nearly burned my sister's head off. So he'll have burns." He went to call around to the hospitals.
"He probably didn't mean to shoot the guy either. He probably added it as a packing material," Calleigh decided. She made notes and slipped them inside the envelope and then made notes in the system for the case. "I'll have to share this one if he's right."
Xander grinned. "How is your chatting with Bobby out of Las Vegas going?"
"Very good. He's had a good run of luck with interns." She looked at him. "Are you sure?"
"I have some patience. I can drill things into them. Plus it'll help when we're backlogged again." He started a list of how he had done it the last time, letting her see it. She nodded at that, giving his back a pat. "We can try. I won't abuse them even if I did forget some stuff."
"I think we can do that then." She went to find Horatio. "Xander and I think he can handle an intern."
"That would be a good thing." He smiled at her. "I'll see if there's any coming open this late."
"The Intern convention is next month."
"We haven't gotten any letters of interest."
"We can go anyway. Put up the notice now. If anyone asks, we can excuse it as the remodel and the problem with the night shift guy."
"Good point. Write it out for me." She did that and handed it over. "Thank you, ma'am."
"You're welcome." She smiled. "We think we figured out that lump of not-a-bullet that got fired. Eric says he knows how they did it so he's hunting them down."
"Good." She smiled and left. He sent that notice to the usual places and they'd hopefully get at least a good intern this year. He doubted Xander would put up with a slacking one.
"Aww, you took off the suit," Maxine's voice said from downstairs.
"Horatio asked me if I was turned."
"Good point." She smiled. "Lunch?"
"I just got back."
"Poo." She laughed when he apparently kissed her on the cheek. He heard the quiet kiss. "Fine. You remember to eat something this afternoon. You're losing weight."
"No, my pants were tight this morning. I think I'm getting middle aged butt spread."
"You're not that old."
"It's the wear and tear from the mileage. I need to hit the gym again." She walked off laughing. "Calleigh, does my butt look big in these jeans?"
"I don't ask others that, Xander, and I don't answer it when I'm asked. There's no polite answer."
Horatio got up to close his office door. It was good to have the boy back in a playful mood again.
John took the package from the courier, tipping him so he could close the door. He stared at the formal note on top. "Fuck," he growled. Dean and Sam both hopped up and reached for weapons. "Not an attack, boys." He tossed it at Sam. "Make that make sense."
Sam sat down to open the envelope, looking at what was in there. "Um, Dad, does this say that his suitors left him things?"
Sam read the legal notices and sighed, shaking his head as he got into the other forms. "Xander's got to be wearing a bad t-shirt."
"How bad?" Dean asked.
"We can buy Canada I think." He looked at his older brother, getting a horrified look. He pointed at a line. "That's what *one* left him."
"Damn," Dean said in awe.
"Basically." He went back to it. "This is..." He texted Xander, getting an 'I'm fine but kinda depressed and I need to hit the gym again' response. "The gym?"
"Xander said his pants were tight this morning. He said he was starting to have a sagging ass," Dean told him.
"Huh." He went back to reading. "So, Dad, now that Xander has a lot of money...."
"He did before," he reminded him.
"No, Dad, we're talking mega money now."
"He still did before," John told him.
Sam looked up. "Dad, before he had Lottery winner level of money. Now he has can buy a city money." His father moaned so he found the lists of what was left to him, coming over to show him. John went to get a beer.
"All he needs is someone to spoil," Dean said casually. "He'd be a happy boy then."
"Cute hint. Not," Sam shot back. "It's stress relief, Dean. Or else I wouldn't have nearly had him on the hood of the car."
"You'd better not," Dean and John said in unison.
"That night we saw him blowing off stress," Sam said with a grin. "The bouncer stopped me or you'd have come out to find him gasping into the paint job."
Dean shivered. "Not on my car. The only one who gets action in my car is me, Sammy."
"Since when do you get any action in the car?" Sam shot back. "You haven't been laid in months."
Dean rolled his eyes. "I was trying to wait for something better than mediocre. Usually you say I'm a slut. Now you're complaining because I'm not?"
"Wondering if you needed to visit the doctor again," Sam teased.
"Nope. Got resnipped and everything's great again."
"Do I even want to know?" John asked. He took a longer drink of his beer.
"Way back when I had the 'bunny died' scare in high school I got myself snipped. It grew back so I had it redone," Dean told him. "With Xander's help. Therefore, no baby Winchesters."
John shuddered. "That's a good thing, son, but I'm going to beat you someday soon."
"You'd rather he knocked up a waitress he only slept with for a few hours?" Sam asked.
"No." He went to his room to lay down. "Go do something somewhere else."
They headed off together, going to see if anyone was on the beach today. It was a bit chilly with the wind blowing so they weren't sure there'd be any of the really skimpy ones out today. They did find a beach volleyball match and settled in to watch the girls bounce..er play.
Xander walked in that night and found John still drinking. "That's why I sent it to you, so I wouldn't do that at work." He gave him a hug. "Am I ordering dinner?"
"Accounts are all locked while they merge them."
"I wrote a check today."
"The bank got it already and honored it." He looked at him. "We've got to stop this."
"I think that was Anya's point, John." He got smirked at. "So anyway, I do have my newly cashed paycheck, with overtime."
"You're supposed to go play with Ryan tonight."
"He was out of the lab when I left. I forgot." He called him. "It's me. Are we going to have fun tonight or are you going to be all night at the lab?" He laughed. "I can do that. Home. Thanks, Ry." He hung up and sat down, looking at him. "How long are they locked for?"
"They might be open already. It's nice the demon courts run at an accelerated pace."
"Did you know you now own a realm castle?"
"Really? Huh. Can Dawn get there?"
"Then we can visit her to make sure Draco knows I'll kill him if he hurts her and I can be more creative and worse than any Dark Lord." John bopped him on th head. "Sorry but truth. She's like my little sister. I should get to threaten her man."
"Give it to Buffy so she can check on her."
"I might do that." He took the papers to look over. "Yeah, I can do that." Anya appeared, staring at him. "I'm being good. Mostly."
She snorted. "Of course you are."
"How would I give some of this to Buffy?"
She wrote it out and handed it to him. He put what he wanted to transfer, making Anya huff but rewrite it. He added one thing then his signature, earning a smile. "Why are you giving her that?"
"So she can go nag Dawnie and her new boyfriend. Her text earlier said they finally wore her down and Draco's great in bed."
She giggled. "I'll tell her you said that." She kissed him on the forehead. "I still miss you."
"I miss you too. No one cuddles me all night like you did, Ahn. I still can't take the chance with the Council."
"I know." She grinned. "It is nice that thanks to this business has really picked up. Demons are spotting kids like you and calling Hallie all the time to get them help before they turn into you." John cackled at that. "I've even helped some who're trouble and demon magnets make wishes to end it so they don't end up like you." She ruffled his hair. "Get a haircut. You look goofy with longer hair."
"One of them had hair down to his waist."
"No. Sorry but no." She took the letter to the judge over the wills, letting him sign it. "That way she can visit her sister since she found a honey in another dimension."
"I didn't think he'd want it anyway." He waved a hand so she left.
"Buffy!" Anya called as she appeared. "I've got something for you and Giles." She skipped up to the office, handing it to him. Buffy strolled in eating an apple. "Dawn's been worn down by her honey. They're getting married and she said he's good in bed so she doesn't have to train him a whole lot. Which I suppose is good for her."
Buffy paused in taking a bite, nearly dropping the apple. "Excuse me? My sister is *what* and I haven't heard?"
"Xander said she texted earlier."
Buffy checked the phone in her pocket. "Huh, I didn't get one. I've got to beat me some Dawnie butt. Where is she?"
"Xander gave you that so you can both get there to visit." She beamed proudly. "The demon suitors I killed left it to him but he didn't need a realm castle." She smiled at Giles. "Also, we've had a *huge* upswing in business. There's all sorts of demons pointing kids out to Hallie so they don't become a Xander in the future." He spluttered. "And a few I've helped because they're demon magnets too." She smiled at Buffy. "You'll need to do some shopping. That means you get the title so now you're Baroness Buffy of the Demon Realm Vokarait. I'll let Dawn know so she can get there at the same time you are." She disappeared to do that. "Hi!" Dawn squeaked and jumped. "Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt snuggles but Xander gave Buffy his realm castle so she could get you up to visit. She said you forgot to tell her that he was good in bed and other less important things like getting married. So now she's the Baroness Buffy of the Demon Realm Vokarait."
"I'll make sure she can get up there to visit her sister," Draco told her. Thankfully they were at least covered by a sheet or he might be very embarrassed right now.
"Good. Because hearing you were good in bed even stopped her from eating." She smiled. "The demons are making sure no other Xanders are ever created. I'm taking care of trouble magnets so they don't turn into him, mostly because I don't think I can date more than one and take out all their demon suitors for bothering my snuggly pookie with the good tongue, and Hallie's had to get a new helper."
"Tell her I said congrats. It's always good for the world when kids aren't hurt that way."
"True." She leaned down to kiss him on the head. "You should show him that tongue thing Xander learned. That way he can do it to you and you can be as happy as I was with a tongue of doom."
"He's already really good in that area, Anya. Tell Buffy I'll be there in a few days?" She nodded and disappeared. She looked at Draco. "What do you wear to a demon realm?"
"Formal clothes I'd expect. We'll find you some nice dress robes, Dawn." He kissed her. "I hope you don't want to go back to what we were doing. I seem to have been horrified too much." She laughed and got under the covers to encourage him to come back up, making him moan. "Merlin, woman, you're better than any I've had at that." He pulled her up to please her again. She was his perfect mate: powerful, a bit sarcastic, playful, fashionable, and liked to do both their hairs and clothes with him.
Xander looked at his phone as it beeped unexpectedly. "I haven't been thinking evil thoughts," he muttered, pulling it out to look while Ryan giggled at that. 'Out hunting, be back soon' was on his screen. He typed in an okay and he had his keys. "John's going out." He put it up again, sipping his soda. "I still say you should hit on the pretty blonde girl that's giving your butt eye action, Ryan. She's clearly not my type."
"She'd dump me as soon as she found out I was OCD."
"You don't know that. She might be OCD. She's clearly wiping her palm off each time she touches her glass." Ryan glanced back and smiled, getting one back. "Go. Shoo. I'll be here drawing the evil ones like her redheaded friend."
Ryan walked over there. "Hi, Ryan Wolfe."
"Amanda Doris." She didn't shake his hand. "Sorry, the glass is sweaty and stuff."
"That's fine." He grinned. "What do you do? I'm an officer with the crime lab."
She smiled. "That's very cool. I'm a bank teller."
"Wow. So you get to see interesting people who aren't doing bad things most of the time?"
"Now and then we do get some really strange people," she agreed, wiping her hand on her skirt again.
"Would you maybe like to dance a bit?"
"Okay." She left her drink there and walked out with him. "What do you do with the crime lab?"
"I'm a field tech. I go out to gather evidence at scenes."
"That's got to be exciting."
"Now and then but it's usually a bad day when it is," he said with a self-conscious grin. "Usually it's just a lot of nasty stuff." She wiped her hands off again. "I understand. I'm a bit OCD too," he said quietly, making her beam. They moved onto the floor, getting together and talking. She was sweet. Xander had been right, definitely not his type.
Xander smiled at the redhead who strolled over. "Hi."
"I see your friend took off with my friend to wiggle on the dance floor. Want to join them?"
"I don't have much rhythm but I'll sure try," he offered with a grin. She smiled and took him out there, making him have some fun. She moaned and moved closer so he smirked and nodded. "Let me shift back a bit. You're about to get bumped." He pulled her back into a more clear spot, incidentally in view of the cameras again, and they went back to it. He wasn't *bad* but he hadn't danced in a while. She didn't seem to mind much. She was incredibly happy and was trying to gnaw on his throat. "We're not in a goth club," he teased. She moaned and moved closer. He let her until she really bit him then he got free and stared at her. "I like you. We should go talk." She walked him off. He texted something to someone. "Telling my housemate I'll be home really late or tomorrow after work," he said at her pointed look. She pulled him out of there. He turned on the recording feature his phone had. He knew he'd need evidence. She took him home, got down with him, and grabbed a knife. "You know, it's not polite to try to stab a guy you haven't even slept with."
"All gay men should be sacrificed so women don't have to deal with them."
He laughed. "I'm bi and my last girlfriend still begs to have me back, baby." He flipped her over, taking the knife from her to toss off to the side of the bed. She shrieked but he stroked her in just the right spot, making her moan and wiggle. "Still think I'm gay?"
"No!" she whined. "No more!"
"If you want." He pulled back and got dressed. "C'mon, I'll take you to someone you'll want to meet."
"Yeah. I know a few guys who'd like to meet you." She got dressed again. He grabbed the knife, putting it into a plastic bag she had kept it in. On the way he called. "Frank, Xander. I've got someone you and John *have* to meet. Yeah, like really have to. Because she has a thing for bi guys she wants to make beg." Frank said something and he laughed. "Exactly, Frank. Where should we meet you two so she can show you what she's got?" He nodded at the address. "Give us twenty. I'm driving her now." He hung up and got in, smiling at her. "Frank's a really sweet guy. Gave up his wife to go out with John. I think they'd suit you better."
She moaned, stretching her legs out. "Most guys are turned off by me."
"I'm strange. I only like the deadly things," he said with a wink. She beamed at him, playing with his thigh on the way there. He got out and nodded at John, handing her the bag. "There you go, sweetie. This is John and that's Frank. They're very nice boys who like to hang out together all too often." She pulled out the knife and went at Frank since he looked less dangerous. John got her down and cuffed, giving him an odd look. "I had to refute she didn't want to stab me, John. You know I only like the deadly ones." He handed Frank his phone. "I had it on record."
Frank checked, turning it off. "Thanks, kid. Find any shrines or anything?"
"Nope. Kinda walked in and headed right to the bedroom though. I was a good boy too. When I had to prove I was het and she said stop, I did."
"Good." John hauled her up. "Thanks, kid. My stats were looking a bit low."
Xander just grinned. "Have fun, dear. I'll tell Ryan to tell your friend you're okay." He waved.
"Who are you?" she asked, struggling. "I still say you're gay."
"Bi but I'm the crime lab's ballistics tech. I play with guns all day. Maybe that's why?" She pouted all the way to their car. "Remember, confessing means you get to have more fun in the jail. Otherwise they'll put you away from everyone." He looked at Frank. "See, I do give you good presents, Frank."
"Go get laid or whatever, kid. You're warped again."
"Well, yeah, but my last ex just got all those suitors who wanted me. So I inherited." Frank gave him a horrified look. "What? She never tried to hurt me. It was a nice change." He grinned sweetly.
"I don't care who you pounce, but go buy someone if you have to," Frank ordered with a point. "If you get caught, we'll cover for you."
"Yes, sir." He got back into his car and headed off to find a hooker. Since he had been ordered and all. The voices were complaining that he was scouting a female one so he decided on twins since they were so loud. They all groaned but it was nice. They got tired. He got tired. He got to work the next morning, finding Ryan pacing. "You might tell your new friend her friend is all right but I didn't want to let her stab me so I introduced her to Frank and John."
"Frank and John?" he asked, looking confused.
"Detectives Tripp and Hagen?"
"Oh, them." He shook off his confused look. "What?"
"She wanted to kill gay men so they wouldn't get confused with straight ones in the clubs. I proved I was bi but mostly het but I told her I knew a few bi boys who would like her and her ways. So I introduced her. She went after Frank with a knife."
Ryan shook his head quickly. "You're insane, Xander."
"Not now. Frank told me to go buy a playmate. I had fun with the girls." He walked off.
"Harris, your uncle said he's going to shoot you," Frank said when he saw him. He tossed over his phone.
"He knew I had evil thoughts and two girls." He shrugged at the horrified look. "They were fun." He texted back to him what had happened, getting a growl back. "It's cool again." He pulled out his lab coat, new clothes, and glasses, going to change into Ballistics Xander instead of Club Boy Xander. He looked really geeky with the glasses. He closed and locked his locker then headed for ballistics. "Morning, my beauties," he called into the exemplar.
"Did whoever you picked up last night play nicely?" Calleigh asked from her seat going over the daily flood of administrative memos.
"The first one ended up playing nicely with Frank and John. Then Frank told me to go rent some unwarping time. They were very helpful." She blushed, staring at him in horror. "She hit on me."
"Evil?" she asked cautiously.
"Only to gay men who confused her het guy radar."
"Huh," she said weakly, calling John. "Is Xander going to be okay? And are you since he said you played with the one who picked him up?" She listened to the complete story, then moaned and swatted at him. "Good work, John. Have fun and call if you need CSI support for her house or wherever." She hung up and swatted at him again, just getting a grin. "You rented more than one?"
"Two. I only go there for special occasions. Or a pack of succuba," he admitted, thinking about it. "But they spread that I made them too sore to work so most of them won't play with me anymore."
"I don't need to know that!" she complained.
He grinned. "You asked."
"Good point. I'll quit asking about your dates from now on. Well, was Ryan a nice one?"
"We were out as buddies, Calleigh. I don't think he'd play with me that way. He did dance with a nice girl who might've had OCD at the club. It was her friend that picked me up."
Ryan walked in shaking his head. "I know you said she was evil, Xander, but really!"
"How was your OCD girl?"
"She was very sweet and a bank teller. We have a date next weekend." Xander grinned. "Why are they drawn to you?"
"I've never figured out why dangerous women are drawn to me. Calleigh, any idea?"
"I'm not that dangerous. I only think you're sweet and goofy, Xander."
"Only to boys who underestimate you," he countered with a grin. "And to John's mind."
She blushed, swatting him again. "Behave."
"Fine, make me behave when I'm in a good mood." He grinned at Ryan. "I don't know, ask Max. Max?" he called. She leaned in a moment later. "Ryan wanted to know why bad girls are attracted to me."
"It's that air of you'll make them beg so they're testing themselves against the new predator." She grinned. "I heard on the scanner that Tripp and Hagen had to call for a house search. Picked up someone in the club?" Someone behind her moaned.
"Yeah. She decided I put off a gay vibe and it confused her het'dar. She was taking out all the guys who confused her het'dar. I proved I was mostly het, and she said stop so I did, but I told her I'd introduce her to two guys who liked to hang out a bit too much. She decided it was good and tried to attack Tripp with her special dagger."
She shook her head. "I can't fix you up with anyone, Xander. They'll finish going from wicked to evil." She came in to look him over. "Long night with her?"
"Frank ordered me to go find some attention to unwarp me." He grinned sweetly. "They were nice."
"You stud you," she teased, pinching his cheek. "I'll see if I can find you evil ones who don't want to kill you or anyone else." She left, going back to her lab.
"I only know good girls, sorry," Calleigh said. "Did you tell Horatio?"
"Only if that choking in the hallway was him or Frank told him."
Ryan looked up the hall. "No, that was Eric. He's off ranting at Speed up the hall." Calleigh went to tell Horatio. "Did you have fun?"
"Afterward. They were fun."
Ryan patted him on the arm. "That's good then. I'll see if I know any slightly evil girls who won't want to kill you too, Xander." He left, going back up to trace. "Who got the call out to her house?"
"No one yet," Speed said. "Repeat after me. Friends don't let friends date Xander."
"It was the girl I was dancing with's friend, Speed. And he said she was evil."
"Uh-huh." He shook his head. "Tell Max that new rule?"
"She's looking for wicked ones that don't want to kill him."
"I'm not sure she'll find one," Speed admitted, looking up at the office. "Poor H's headache."
"Calleigh went to tell him. And hey, the ones Frank told him to go rent aren't evil."
"That we know of," Eric corrected. "We should watch out for that."
"Enough, boys," Horatio said as he walked in. "Xander is not the only officer we've had do this. We have one in the translator corps who does the same thing. That's how Frank knew what was going on. I do agree we might watch out for the two he rented for a few hours going evil today." Eric smirked at Speed. "Though, Xander has said he's bi many times so perhaps you could fix him up that way?"
"I know a few," Speed agreed. "I'll see if they'd like our gun geek."
"Thank you. No more spreading this story around. I know he won't tell anyone else." He went to ballistics. "Xander, it's still illegal for you to ...rent someone for a few hours. You can't say things like that at work."
"Thank you." He patted him on the back. "Nice work calling Frank and John for backup." He left, going to take something for his headache. Rick Stetler stomped in with an evil smirk and a charge sheet. He called up a file, tipping the monitor so he could see it. "The one he went out with last night, Rick. Of course he did that."
Rick read, going pale. "How?" he demanded in a squeaky voice.
"He said she picked him up in the club he and Ryan Wolfe were spending some downtime in. One of the responding officers made it an order, Rick. Before he caught another one for us."
Rick tore up the sheet. "It's probably safer for him and everyone," he muttered, walking out sulking now.
Horatio smiled, looking at the charges. He called Frank himself. "I heard you got given a nice present last night." Frank moaned. "He's here. He's fine. He's bouncy today and even Rick agreed there wasn't a problem with the order you gave him, Frank. He decided it was safer. Did you need CSI support?" He smirked. "I'm sure night shift was thrilled with that. If you're sure. Thank you, Frank." He hung up, smiling at his phone. Another win for the good guys thanks to their very odd tech's unique skills. Some days Xander drove him nuts but he did appreciate the boy to no end. Miami was not boring even on the best of days any longer. He heard a gunshot and got up as a voice floated up.
"Gotcha, bastard. Next time don't try to pounce me and then kill me."
Horatio out to look down at him. "Problems, Xander?"
"He wanted to kill me, boss. So I got him in a non-fatal spot, just like Max ordered." He nodded, heading back to ballistics. "Ask him which contract he wanted the money from."
Horatio came down to glare at the young officer. "Who are you and why were you trying to get my ballistics tech?"
"They want him! They'll pay me millions!" he moaned, trying to get away. Officers came running. "Please! I'll split it!"
"Get him out of my sight, boys. He wants to get the bounty for my ballistics tech."
"Pity the time he'll have in prison, sir. Tell him nice shot," one said, hauling him up to cuff him. "Let's go, you stupid moron." They walked him off to book him.
Horatio looked in the ballistics lab. "Was that a test fire?"
"No, that's my baby's discharge, Horatio. He's very sorry he was so stupid."
"I'm sure he will be soon. Statement?" He went to handle this one before Rick could jump on them. Some days, Xander just drove you nuts, even when you were pleased with him.
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