Xander looked up as Horatio came in the next morning, waving and going back to his cereal. "Still in bed, Horatio."
"Thank you." He stared at him. "We would like to take Ryan home."
Xander put down his bowl and chewed his current bite. "That's fine. I'd still like them to be together when whatever's going to happen on the sixteenth does."
Horatio considered it. "What could he get here that he can't get at home?"
"If there's a magical spike, we can guard against things coming for him. After all, there are demons that could want the kids," he said quietly. "Here we've got people who're experienced in weird and strange things in case something more than we think will happen does."
"I can see that point. You won't stop us?"
"Nope, nor will I stop it if Ryan comes back to visit or to stay because things get too weird for him."
Horatio nodded. "That could be a factor," he agreed. "I think that would be acceptable. How would we protect him?"
"Sam Winchester has wards up in his other self's room to guard him against demons and the one specifically that wants to have his butt as his champion. I've got Willow sending me a comprehensive pattern of wards and runes to protect the kids so I can put them up around the house as a border. She should have it done later today." That got a single nod. "I'm hoping she remembered to add in ones to mute any magical explosions that might happen but now and then she's been busy with the hunting out there."
"I can understand that," he agreed calmly. "You won't complain?"
"He's not my son, Horatio. I only rescued him and I'll help him if he needs me to. He's my pack but not my heir. He's Ryan's heir and pack."
Horatio relaxed, smiling some. "Thank you for easing that worry, Mr. Harris."
"Not a problem but if he starts to have issues, he's more than welcome back up here. This is going to freak out a lot of people." Horatio looked confused. "How many schools can deal with a kid their age that has the memories of someone who's over twenty and has been to college?"
"That's a good point. I'm not sure what Mr. Wolfe is going to do about that."
"Home schooling probably," Ryan said through a yawn as he came out of his room. "Though we'd have to figure out the whole 'who's supposedly watching me when he's at work' thing so we don't get in trouble with CPS." He looked around. Xander handed him a bowl and the cereal box. "Only this kind? Not that I don't like granola....." Xander pointed, letting him get his chex instead. "Thanks, Xander."
"I spoil you guys rotten," he quipped. "That way my own will love me."
Ryan pinched him as he walked past him. "They'd have to. They're still you." He settled in to eat breakfast. "Want some, H?"
"No, we ate already. Thank you anyway." He stared at the little boy, watching him stare back. "Do you want to stay for this coming out or whatever it is?"
"We need to be together in case it's important." He ate a bite and chewed it before going on. "I don't think it'll hurt a whole lot since that's only Monday, H. Plus it'll give my self time to calm down. I'm sure I was up all night cleaning the motel room while I thought."
"No, I borrowed one of Agent Edgerton's tranquilizer darts. He slept after midnight." Ryan laughed, shaking his head. "Do you want to spend today with us?"
"I wanted my Uncle Greg to look them over, make sure they didn't need anything, like other vaccinations and things, and that Loki hadn't done a crappy job of cloning, or that they didn't have birth defects."
"I think that's reasonable. Would he do that for you?"
"He offered." He shrugged then grinned. "You can ask him when he gets here in a few hours. He'll have Chase with him."
"The missing young'un, Horatio. One of his ducklings was one of the ones cloned."
"Duckling?" Ryan asked.
"His student docs follow him around. He said a nurse coined the phrase."
"I guess that makes sense but it sounds cutesy."
"Uncle Greg uses it to desensitize them to cutesy things. Then he drives them insane." He grinned. "He's who I learned it from."
"I'll keep that in mind when he comes to poke, prod, and annoy us into being okay," Ryan said with a grin. Xander gave him a look. "All doctors do. Our ME is a mother hen."
"Uncle Greg won't do that. He hardly deals with patients. He deals with diseases and maybe sees a patient once or twice, but never hands-on, bedside manner, Marcus Welby doctoring. He said people annoy him."
"They do us all at times," Horatio agreed. He sat down, looking at Ryan. "Do you have anything with you?"
"They had a bag of stuff that the military had gotten them. They were on the way to Uncle Greg's hospital because Dawn had demonic measles. Everyone else had a shot to prevent it and hers aren't contagious," he said at the opening mouth. "Uncle Greg made sure of it." That got a nod. "So if you wanted to take the little Ryan shopping or something, you can. It's not an issue, Horatio. I'm not mean."
"I know you're not."
"I could use some more socks," Ryan admitted. "I'll talk to myself later about that." He finished his cereal and put the bowl in the dishwasher then came back out. "Let me take a shower, H, and we can head out for the day?"
"If you want."
"I think me and the evil other me need to talk." Horatio gave him a pointed look. "I'm clearly not the evil clone of the two of us," he said with a wicked smirk. "I can't play pranks or anything like that for years." He heard something and looked outside. "Huh. That might be an issue."
Xander went to look, leaning out the door. "Yes, oh great messenger service one?"
"Riley's people are going to try to come."
"Can I beat them?"
"Shoot. With help?"
"Riley's been stopped but he's stubborn and doing it against orders."
"Let me call Gibbs then." He grinned. "Thank you for the head's up. Are you going to be watching over this insanity?"
"Maybe." He smirked and rode his bike off into the bright morning sunshine.
Horatio coughed behind him. "Who was that?"
Xander looked back. "The vengeance demon over Lost Souls." He closed the door. "He said he knew you."
"I knew him very well. When did this happen? I saw him die."
"Probably about the same time that he died," Xander admitted. "Someone made a wish that he could go on." Horatio moaned, turning and slapping a wall. "But he seems really nice. A lot like a younger Uncle Greg actually." Ryan grinned at that. He called Gibbs' room. "It's Harris. I just got a head's up that Riley Finn and his idiots are coming here soon. That they're not under orders and they're ignoring orders. Want me to take them to hide or not?" He nodded. "I can do that. Go see Uncle Greg at work." He hung up and called him.
"I'm coming to see you with the mini tots. Riley Finn's idiots are coming." He hung up before his uncle could protest. "Get them up. We've got five minutes to leave, Ryan." He ran to do that. Xander got cereal bars and juice bottles for the others, handing them over. "You can follow if you want, Horatio." He got them out to the rental van and inside then to the hospital. Willow had charmed the van so no one thought anything was strange about the kids being in it. Even if they got pulled over. He pulled into the parking lot and got out, waving the kids to follow him. He smiled at the reception desk. "Greg House's office is on three, right?"
"Yes, sir. Are you a tour group?"
"These guys all want to be Doctor House when they grow up," he said happily. "He's mentoring them into future smartass geniuses." He got them onto the elevator and up to the right floor, walking them that way. He waved at someone. "Hi, Uncle James," he called, making him flinch and turn around. Xander smirked at him and pointed. "Future Uncle Gregs." He got them into the office, looking at his uncle. "Can't I just cream Riley good once?"
"Nope. It's not a good idea to take out Homeland agents or former Rangers, kiddo. You know that." He looked at the kids. "I did say I was going to do physicals to make sure everyone was fine. By the way, the little Chase? A little smartass bastard."
"So the bigger one is too nice to do it around you and show you up?" Xander asked dryly.
"He can try but I'm still better."
"Of course you are. After all, you taught me," the littlest Xander agreed.
"So I did. Okay, let's do the physicals while Xander heads off anyone who wants to interrupt, like Cuddy, Xander? Or James?"
"I said hi to him."
"He'll be nosy."
"I'll let Dawn kiss him, his mind will go mushy."
"She's not dying."
"No but she's sick." He went to pull the curtains for him. He waved at one nurse, getting a horrified look. He leaned out the door. "Doctor House is my uncle Greg. He's turning the kids into mini-hims and they'll all be like him some day," he said with a bright, happy grin. "He tried really hard with me but I hate lecture classes." He shut the door once she looked ready to cry. He saw some blonde lady stomping up the hall. "Pissed off blonde lady who looks constipated, Uncle Greg?"
"Cameron. Run her off and make her sob in misery. She could use the emotional moment to break down her walls."
Xander stepped out, guarding the door. "Uncle Greg said he's busy right now and if you don't leave him alone to do this little bit of work, he's going to paddle you in front of everyone in the caf like a naughty toddler."
"Who are you?" she demanded.
"His nephew, Xander. You can ask Doctor Wilson about me if you want. He's known me for years too and just saw me." He grinned at Wilson when he walked over, giving him a hug once he got close enough. "Uncle Greg said to have nosy people leave him alone while he's warping the kids."
"What kids?" she sneered.
He looked at her. "Sneer about my kids again, need the ER," he warned. He looked at James again. "It's been a long few weeks."
"He told me. How are you holding up?"
"I'm not too bad. As of next week some of the stress might be lessened, depending on what happens. Hi, Cuddy."
She stared. "Xander," she sighed.
"Uncle Greg said all you nosy people are to leave him alone while he warps the mini mes or else he's spanking. Though I don't think he'd have much fun with either of you."
"You spawned?" Cuddy asked.
"Kinda," he said with a grin. He opened the door. "Hey, Junior?" He pointed at the mini-him not his son, getting a nod of understanding. He came out. "See, a mini me." He grinned.
The little Xander looked up at James. "My dad's a goofball and a pain in my butt who worries too much. Plus there's an agent who's decided I'm the root of all evil that we have to destroy. Uncle Greg's stopping us from doing it."
"I'm sure that's a good idea," he agreed, grinning at him. "He does look just like you, Xander."
"I know. He's a great kid." He looked at Cameron, giving her a nudge out of his way. "Uncle Greg said no. Uncle Greg also said I could make you cry because you clearly needed the emotion chip they stole to put in Data back." She huffed off. He looked at Cuddy. "Since when did you hire Uncle Greg bitchy people who wear thongs?"
"That's her choice, not mine," Cuddy told him. "How long is he going to be warping your offspring?"
"For many years," he said dryly, making her snort and walk off shaking her head. He looked at his other 'uncle'. "So, how's things out here? Did you hear I nearly married my fiancee but we had to break up due to this?"
"I didn't. I heard you had a long-term girlfriend finally."
"My prom date. Same girl."
James shuddered. "No, Xander. Have better taste, please?" he begged.
"Uncle Greg didn't like her either but she was nice. She didn't try to kill me or anything."
"That's good but not the basis for a real relationship. If you're staying local I'll introduce you to some nicer girls around your own age. Okay?"
"Sure." He grinned at the security guard coming back. "My uncle, Greg House, is warping my offspring and told me to tell his duckling to bugger off before he turned her over his knee in the caf."
"That's fine, sir. I figured it was something like that. Is he in?"
Xander let him lean in and moan at the kids. "Uncle Greg, tell him I can drive your ducklings off to do something less sane?"
"Please let him make them less sane. They're annoying the shit out of me again today," Greg told him.
"Yes, Doctor House." He pulled back and shut the door, looking at him. "Literal uncle?"
"My alcoholic father's best friend," he said bluntly. "So he's a lot like the only real relative I have."
"That's fine then, sir. Doctor Wilson, do you know him as well?"
"I've known Xander for many years, Paul. He's only a threat to sanity and even Cuddy knows him."
"That's fine then. I'll tell the others to leave Doctor House alone for a bit."
"He might even give the kids a tour later," Xander said with an evil grin. "He wants some of us to go into medicine so there's a smartass doctor, the second generation."
The guard went pale. "That might be bad, sir."
"Hey, I can stop the end of the world. The world still needs more good docs who can quip at the stupid injuries."
"That might be okay then." He went to talk to the huffing Cameron, making her walk off again in a snit.
Wilson and Xander shared a look. "Let me warn Chase."
"Chase has one of the mini mes with him."
"I saw. He's adorable in a messy haired, little kid way." He went to find him in the caf. "House is checking over the others."
"He already checked over this one," he said, looking at him. "Who's in with them?"
"Xander. His nephew."
"I should meet him."
The little Chase looked at him. "He's nice and he cooks pretty good too. You could come for dinner tonight."
"I could," he agreed with a slight grin. "Anything I should know?"
"Xander just threatened to have Cameron spanked in the caf by House if she bothered him again."
"That might be a nice show," the younger him said, considering it. The older him swatted him. "Hey!"
"Behave, please? I don't need that thought. I have to work with her."
"It'll be over soon," he promised, patting him on the hand. The bigger Chase and Wilson both burst out laughing. They headed up there, running into Foreman. "Uncle House said to leave him alone," he said.
"Chase, I didn't know you had a son," Foreman said. Wilson gave him an odd look because apparently he had blocked out yesterday somehow.
"Little brother actually," he admitted with a smile. "He's in to visit. We have to see House but he's doing physicals on a strange and unusual case."
"I saw his nephew. I didn't know House had siblings. I thought maybe he ate them."
"It's a nephew in quotes, Foreman," James Wilson offered with a smile. "House and his dad were best friends. House is the sane, stable one who gave him advice. Now he's got kids."
"I'm so sorry for him." He walked off shaking his head. "Better him than me."
"I'll see you later for rounds." He walked the mini him inside, looking at Xander. "What are we going to do?"
"Well, next week I start work again. Jon's going to be the official 'adult' while I'm gone in case anyone wonders. "These guys have to start school if they're going to be over here. I'd like it if my son thought about showing how much he knows beyond his grade and decided to play genius so he could go to college sooner," he said, looking at him. "I did promise Uncle Greg a first born child once if he'd make the flu go away." His son cackled, shaking his head while he leaned on Dawn's arm. He looked at Chase again. "Then we'll see." He ducked the thrown slinky. "Your aim needs work, Uncle Greg." The next one pegged him on the arm. "Ow! Mean shit."
"I'm known for it," he snarked back, smirking at him. "I should take your first born daughter," he said with a point at Dawn. "She's nearly old enough for me."
Dawn looked at him. "Eww, you're really old," she said dryly, making him laugh. "I might hit on Jon," she offered, glancing at Xander. Who only shrugged. "Seriously?"
"You're fifteen. You'd better be a virgin for a few more years."
"Thank you." He looked outside. "There's a shadow moving this way. Either it's an idiot Fed, one of the fathers, or it's that one thong lady again." He went to stop them. "Ah, Graham Miller."
"We need to talk."
"No we don't. Because if you come near my kids, I'm going to kill you all," he said with a sweet smile.
"They're not your kids."
Xander pointed at his son. "Doesn't quite look exactly like me, does he?" Graham moaned at that. Xander patted him on the head. "This is the only warning you'll get, Graham. Touch my family. Watch me ruin all of you in so many interesting ways. Even if I have to call in a favor to have you guys eaten." He backed up at that, looking horrified. "Am I clear?" He nodded quickly. "I know very well you don't have orders to come near the kids. So don't try it. I still have a way to take us off plane until they're older nearly as fast as you try to react. We'll have fun there." He moaned at that and stomped off. "Tell Riley I said hi and give his wife my love."
Graham shuddered once he was in the elevator. Riley was already on the couch thanks to Summers calling him. This was not going to be pretty. No matter who wanted those kids. NID be damned, he wasn't dealing with it.
Xander looked up then at the kids. "Hey, Dawn, did I bring my box?"
"All three." She handed something over. "I brought a few just in case."
"Thanks, dear." He kissed her on the head. He looked at them, leaving one out of his pocket. "That should work." Wilson looked at him. "Living but petrified." He held it up. "All kids could use a dog."
"As long as it's not a cat, I'm allergic," Don said.
"Not a cat," Xander assured him, letting him see. The kids all gave him evil smirks. So when the commando came later on, he activated the demon dog, letting it get to it's full height in front of the soldier. The soldier stared up at the slobbering thing, whimpering. Xander grinned. "Family pet," he said with an evil smirk.
"Is it rabid? It's drooling."
"It's probably hungry." The commando turned and ran. "Tell them I said hi." He waved and looked at the dog. "Wanna be petted?" It shrank down and went to climb all over Dawn's lap. She got some paper towels to wipe the drool off but was happy to pet it with the boys. Xander saw Cuddy watching, her mouth open. He shrugged. "Commandos aren't nice to my kids. I don't want to have to deal with others." She swallowed. "It'll be okay."
"If you're sure," she said weakly.
"I'm fairly certain. NID wants them." She shuddered. "Exactly. They can't have my pack or else I get to go mean and evil." He grinned sweetly and she walked off sniffling. His uncle patted him on the back. "She was proud, she was sniffling like a proud mother."
"I'm sure she was. You're more evil than she was." He looked at him. "How long would you guys be gone?"
"Few hours. Time dilation difference according to the agency." He looked at them. "Take a vote, guys. Do you want to? It'd make you older and safer." They all nodded. "Dawn, get the mini Dean and Sam? And the older ones if you want." She summoned them. He looked at her. "Coming?"
"No. I'll ruin Riley's whole life if he comes near me." That got a nod and they left together. The travel spell also brought their clones so that was almost expected. It was set to their genetic makeup.... Of course it brought the clones.
Dawn settled in, smiling at Wilson. "So, what sort of doctor are you?"
"Oncologist. I hope you never have to use one of us, Dawn."
She sniffled. "Mommy did but she died." She looked at him. "Is Uncle Greg really that mean? Xander has a meanness gene now and then."
He smiled. "He learned it well from House."
"Hmm." She looked up as Cameron came back. "They're on a tour and being boys so I stayed behind to talk to Doctor Wilson for Xander."
"I promised to introduce him to nice girls for a change," he told Dawn.
"That would really be a change since usually it's only evil and slightly evil ones that like him."
"I heard. So, tell me about this Anya he nearly married?" She pulled him down to fill him in on all the gossip Xander hadn't shared yet. Cameron huffed at being ignored so Dawn muttered a spell and flicked a finger, making her shriek as a sprinkler malfunctioned above her. "You should probably change," Wilson told her. She huffed off in a true snit now. Dawn made it so her shoes slipped and she fell, her skirt climbing up her thighs to show what she probably didn't want the nurses to see. Dawn went back to telling him about Anya while Cameron went to be embarrassed in the locker room.
Horatio looked up as Ryan Wolfe, both of them, appeared in the house. "What did we do?" he asked the teenage Ryan. For some reason the teenage Xander was still a teenager too.
"We exercised the travel agency option that took us to a different plane for a bit," Charlie said, fluffing out his mid-back length hair. "I need a haircut badly."
"Yes you do," his older self agreed. "Because I look strange with girlish hair." His younger self hit him on the arm. "Ow!"
"Tough." He smirked. "Think we can freak out Don?"
"I think it's a given with him and Dad if you don't get a haircut." He looked at Xander. Who shrugged and pointed. "Thanks."
"Sixteenth," he reminded him.
"Agreed. We can leave after then." He took his clone off to find his brother and father. Alan nearly choked to death when he saw him and his hair. Don just moaned and shook his head, drinking more of his morning coffee. "We went traveling."
"Hair cut, Charlie," Alan ordered. "That is not boy hair."
"I know," the younger one said. "I'll fix it within an hour. I feel like a princess with it." Don did choke at that. He grinned at Ian when he caught him watching with his cup halfway to his mouth. "What? I'm trying to be good."
"I agree, you kinda look like a math princess." He finished taking his drink. "Barber up the street or a Fantastic Sam's about three blocks away, Epps." Alan drug his youngest son up there. They could both use a trim. Ian shook his head to get rid of the images he did not want. With that hair he could almost see Charlie in a dress. Unshaved too. He was one ugly drag queen.
Tony looked at the teenagers. "Why did the teens stay the same age?" he asked the original Xander.
"No clue. Not my field."
"Oh. Any ideas that might be possible?"
Xander looked at him. "Loki wanted it that way?" he offered with a small shrug.
"Okay, I might buy that one if I believed in ancient gods."
"It was not my doing," a discorporate voice called. "It was something the other me put into them. We fixed the cellular aging problem. Again. Be more careful please."
Xander looked up. "Can I borrow Thor's hammer to take on Riley Finn's group?" he asked. "Please? I know you're wonderful enough to steal it without him noticing for weeks." A hammer fell at his feet. "Thanks, Great One." He walked outside to where their supposedly covert van was and swung the hammer a few times before hitting the side of it and making it explode. "Huh, very strong." He grinned at the groaning commandos on the ground. "What did I tell you about coming near my family?" he asked impatiently. "Not like I like you guys. And if you keep it up, I'm so going to blow the whole Initiative thing to the press." He turned and found two agents with guns behind him.
"Go ahead and shoot me if you want, sparky. I remember both of you from Sunnydale." They backed up a step. He let the hammer swing idly in his hand. "Aw, fuck this shit." He attacked, using the hammer on their guns then on them. Then he turned and got the other commandos. "I hate morons!" He walked back inside, carefully putting the hammer on his altar. "Thank you, Great One Loki. It was very useful since NID is here too. Gibbs, there's some disgraces to the uniform laying on the ground outside if you want them. If not, I have some matches and Sam said they carry lighter fluid all the time."
"Flame spell?" Dawn offered, creating a bit of fire on her fingertip.
"Too easy," he told her. "If they come in, feel free to go Willow in a bad mood on them. We'll have more pets. Speaking of, did we lose the dog?" She pointed at where it was eating the stove. "Oh, okay. Jon, you're closer. Get the poor thing some food?"
He looked. "Looks like it likes stoves."
"Do it or cook tonight, Jon." Jon got it some hamburger, making it a happy demon puppy dog. "Thank you." He looked around. Then up. "Do we have to wait for the sixteenth?"
"Mystical convergence," Sam said form where he was sitting down. "What weapon is that?"
"Thor's hammer." He grinned. "It's how he got all the chicks back then."
A guy with longish blond hair appeared, looking flustered. "Did my bad brother give you my hammer, boy?"
"Yes, Great One. I used it to vanquish the enemies that are trying to take out my children. I thank you and him for the emergency lending." He bowed. "May your hunts be great and the women be easy," he said in the Norse language Anya had taught him. Thor beamed at that, patting him on the head before taking his hammer with him. He slumped down next to Sam. "Someone make dinner?" The kids went to check on the food supplies and make something to eat. Greg House walked in and looked around then at him, pointing outside. "Disgraces to the uniform."
"Oh. Well, I guess that explains why they're all moaning on the ground?"
"Yup," Xander agreed with a grin. "The usual guys, unless they're doing bad things, have my full support. The psycho scientist corps they hire to do things for them I can see going far, far away but for now I'll just keep the disgraces from the Initiative and NID away from me and the kids if no one minds."
"Let me see what I can do," Gibbs said, going outside to call a few contacts in DC. "It's Gibbs," he said when they answered. "I have a few former disgraceful commandos up here in New Jersey who're trying to take someone's kids from them. They're now in Homeland after their project got canceled by civilians with weapons. Do you want the civilians up here that they're harassing to kill them or would you like to gather them yourself?" He looked. "Yes, Riley Finn is one of them. I've heard the name Graham Miller used as well and two people who're clearly NID by their bad suits and the futuristic looking weapons." He looked at them. "They don't look like they're in good shape. That's where we are, yes. That's why we're here. DiNozzo does. They're teenagers now by the way." He smirked. "Good. We'll wait on you." He hung up and opened the door. "They're coming to pick up their own."
"Does that mean they're going to escape justice and go hunting demons for the UN and then go back to Homeland security again?" Xander asked from his spot on the couch.
"They didn't get arrested for their crap?" Tony asked.
"Nope. They got spared and sent to the UN for their hunting squads."
"Not this time," Jon O'Neill said, looking at Gibbs. "I think my people can use some of them."
"Are you sure your boss wants them?"
"We always need more people who can handle strange things, Gibbs." He called. "It's Jon. The demon plane was very nice, had some pretty demons. The remains of the Initiative people are here and groaning on the ground. Special Agent Gibbs from NCIS just called someone to clean them up. Mr. Harris borrowed a war hammer from a blond guy named Thor and went after them with it. Yes, that's what I said. You did have a background done on them, does it really surprise you? Plus there's two NID assholes here on the ground too. Do you want Gibbs' contact to have all the fun?" He smirked at the Xander son. "By the way, found out who Harris' son's other father is. We guarded me and Jack too heavily so they picked the next best thing in ATA carriers, Daniel. Yup, that's what I said. So yeah, they're calling him a future God of Smartasses."
Xander looked at his son. "Are you feeling any new powers beyond the power of Snark?"
"Not yet, but if I do I'll tell you, Dad."
"Cool beans. I look forward to you being confirmed in your new role in the universe."
"And they're joking about it," Jon told his buddy. "Thanks, Daniel. Yeah, that's where we are. How far away is he?" He nodded. "That'll work. Gibbs is outside waiting on his too." He hung up. "Gibbs, my people might want them. We have need of people who can deal with strange things."
"They can argue about it, kid."
"Sure." He looked in the kitchen. "Why are you the only one cooking, Tara?" He went in shove her out and do it for her. "You're our sister, not our slave."
She blushed, scurrying over to hide by Sam and Dean. "Sorry."
Xander looked down at her. "Don't be but you don't have to do it, Tara. There's plenty of bored fingers around here." She blushed brighter. "You guys do know that Tara's not the mommy, right?"
"That's Dawn," his original teenage son said. Dawn got him for it. "Ow! Evil wench!"
"If I was, I'd try to date you, Xander. I only had a crush on you," she said dryly, cracking both Tony's and House up. "Uncle Greg, you need to find Xander an unevil woman he can drive into a money grubbing ho like he did Anya."
"I don't know too many of those. I choose to pay one instead of getting a free one, Dawn. It's easier on my nerves when I don't get nagged about things by more than Wilson." She blushed at that, shaking her head as she walked off moaning. "Maybe you should try that, nephew."
"If I had the money to pay one I'd just buy a foreign wife, Uncle Greg."
Tara looked at him. "Willow would kill you," she said quietly.
"I know. Which is why I didn't." She nodded, going back to her comforting hiding spot nearly behind Dean's arm and shoulder. He looked at his uncle again then at Gibbs when he straightened up. "Do I need to go play some more?"
"No. Stay there, Xander. Before the kids have to visit you in a jail cell."
"Yes, Gibbs." He relaxed again. "Do I need to help with dinner?"
"We have it," Charlie and Jon called.
"Okay then. I guess I'm bored." The others laughed. Xander looked up as Jack O'Neill walked in and waved at him. "Morning. How was your day so far, not Mini-Jack?"
"Less interesting than yours, Harris. How do you know about us?"
"The same vision that told me not to take you guys on in Uncle Greg's hospital when you took Dawn to him to figure out why she had demonic measles."
"I see. And what are your plans now?"
"To finish guarding the kids until the funky prophecy dance is done with."
"If you're in trouble....." he started.
Jon came out. "Leave him alone, Jack," he said quietly. "He's protecting us from the NID freaks that want me and them." Jack glared. He glared back. Then he got the original Charlie's laptop and got into a file, letting him see it, watching as he turned puce colored and then went to puke out back. "That's why you leave him alone."
"I can go spread chaos in other places," Xander offered with a sweet grin.
Loki appeared, staring at him. "After they're done, Xander. You've already changed it by being around when they're called." He patted him on the head. "Behave. Please?"
"I'm trying to protect them, Loki."
"I know. You're doing a good job of it. For now, stand down. Let Gibbs and Horatio handle it." He looked at Jon. "And his irritating original self as well I suppose." He looked at the son. "Some day you may ascend to that post, young one. Should you, I'll be at your coronation." He winked and left again.
Jack looked at the guy who had been there then at Harris. "Who was that?" he demanded.
"Loki. The original one."
Jack went pale and leaned on the wall. "They're really real?"
"You guys had Odin show up and didn't believe?" he asked.
"The other forms are bad enough," he said bluntly.
"Even with what I've seen, that might freak me out too," Xander admitted. Jack relaxed a little bit since it didn't look like he was going to out their project. "Do you have a good spot to put Captain Cardboard Cutout out there? The general might like his daughter back."
"He said we can put them on different teams while keeping them under control."
"Cool. So I only have to worry about the prophecy and NID?"
"I have this feeling they're going to leave you alone too, Harris." He looked at the teenagers. "You didn't get older too?"
"Apparently not. The other Loki said it was something the one that cloned us did." He shrugged. "What do I know? That's sciency stuff that'd drive me nuts."
"True." He looked at Harris. "Now what?"
"Now, on the sixteenth they get to start being chosen ones. They decide if they want to go home with their other selves or stay here. I get to do what I do and work during the daytime if I need to." That got a nod from everyone. "And protect the pack of kids."
"Good," Jack said. "Would you mind filling in your file for us? It's fairly thin. Even they couldn't find much on you."
"Why would they have, O'Neill? Anything I did, I did quietly outside helping Buffy. Before then I was a slightly below average teenager."
"Uh-huh. And yet you broke onto a base to steal a weapon."
"Necessary," he said when Gibbs gave him a horrified look and so did both Tony's and Jon O'Neill. "We had to take out the thing that couldn't be taken out by any weapon made by man."
"How did you get the codes?" Jack asked impatiently.
Xander the former younger version bounced some. "Did you hear anything about a certain Halloween, Jack?"
"No, why?" He walked him off to tell him all about that possession by the soldier and all that good stuff. Jack's groan made Gibbs answer with one of his own.
All the other Xanders looked at him and nodded. "We did what was necessary. I'm sorry as hell but I still did what was necessary."
"I'm sure you felt that way." He went to supervise the cleanup and arrest of the NID agents and the others being taken into military custody. Since he was the ranking agent on site.
Spenser Reid, the smaller one, shook his head slowly. "I still think you're insane, Xander. You keep doing it even after you avenged your friend."
"She needed help. It's not fair to let one little girl who used to be a cheerleader do it on her own. No matter what some stuffy British sorts say."
"I can understand why. It's nearly classic psychology," the older Spenser told him, getting a nod from his coworkers. "But you can stand down some now. Go to reserve status."
"Not like there's a lot of demons here anyway," Xander pointed out. "The nearest hellmouth is in Ohio somewhere."
"Good to know," Hotchner said. "Where?"
"I think Cleveland. It was in one of Giles' books I flipped through one day looking for something evil that was coming."
"That might explain a lot about Cleveland and why no one wants to go there," he decided, cracking Derek up. "Really." Don Epps just shook his head. "Would you want to be in that office?"
"Nope. Or LA's at the moment."
Xander looked at him. "If that stuff happens to you in LA, you go to the Hyperion Hotel and talk to my ex Cordelia or her boss Angel." That got a nod. "They guard LA."
"I'll keep that in mind," Charlie said. "Can they answer questions to make things make sense?"
"Magic is emotional and soul based, not sense based," Dawn told him. "Like I said, Charlie, sometimes you gotta feel instead of think. No matter what idiot thought you could mathematically predict what emotion was like, you can't because everyone feels it differently. The same as what makes me say ouch and you say ouch is different."
"True. I understand that but it still should conform to some higher principle or law of nature."
"Magic is a law of nature," Xander told him. "It's a separate category sometimes but it does rely on physics laws. It simply bends them now and then." He considered it but a voice whispered something to him. "Oh, the book you need is by Nivaita Persons. It's not widely available and she's got a few out but it should be able to be found."
"I'll look her up. Thank you and whoever told you that."
"Welcome and he said the same thing." He looked at the son then at his uncle. "So, are they okay?"
"They're fine. That minor instability turned out to be puberty." The others smirked at him. "I can see why you dated Anya, Xander, but no. Never again."
"Yes, Uncle Greg."
"Find me someone cute who won't kill me?"
"Uncle James said he'd try to introduce me to nice girls."
House shook his head. "No, I'd have to stop that before you warp them. I'm sure Anya was less fluffy before being with you, Xander." He looked at his great nephew. "How about you? Are you feeling like you should hit on the evil girls too?"
"All girls are at least a bit evil. It's what makes them girls." Tara gave him a dirty look. "Even you have yours. That's why you turned my butt purple that time."
"You were hanging out of your pants," she told him. "I didn't want to see that. I don't like boys."
The original Xander grinned at her. "Should we call Willow for you?" She squeaked and blushed, shaking her head. "You sure?"
"I'm not old enough for that yet, Xander."
"Okay." He went back to relaxing, looking around. "Now what, guys?"
"Now, we wait for the sixteenth and see how bad it's going to become," Horatio decided, looking at his CSI. Ryan just grinned at his teenage self and they both grinned at Horatio. Dean and Sam looked outside at the sound of a pickup truck. "Who is that?"
"Our dad," Dean said. "Hey, Dad, it's okay," he called. He stomped in with a shotgun. "Riley Finn and his people tried crap."
John stared at him then at the older younger thems. "What happened?"
"Mystical travel agency," Xander said. "To keep them from Riley's goons."
"Uh-huh. And you are?" he asked Jack.
"Jack O'Neill. My people will be handling Captain Finn and his people later on."
"We originally rescued the kids. We're watching over his shoulder."
"Which I could use now and then," Xander admitted. He looked at the other hims. "I have no idea how not to screw you guys up." Tara reached over to pinch him. "I will. I do half of everything else, Tara. I'm trying to be realistic."
"Every parent makes mistakes. The good ones correct their mistakes and apologize," Horatio offered calmly.
"They do," Alan agreed. "Even if they do have to explain it a few years later." Xander relaxed and smiled, nodding some at that advice. "Besides, they know what it's like to be grown up so they can stay young until it's their turn again. In between whatever's going to happen."
"I could like that," Xander agreed. They all stared at the twinkling going on outside the door. "I think Willow's here," he said dryly.
"I think she's very upset," Tara agreed. Something exploded. "Ooh, yeah, she's pissed."
"That's even beyond making cookies to apologize pissed," Xander agreed. He got up and went to the door. "Do I need to come back out here?" he called. "Willow, the guys standing are good guys. Jon's people. Leave them alone please." She glared at him. "They are."
"They could hurt Tara!"
"If I see one black vein, young lady," he started, staring her down. She slumped and trudged off. "Tara's inside. She's bigger because we had to travel earlier." She squealed and went to hug her girlfriend. Xander looked at the worried military guys. "Yes, she's ours."
"She's a bit scary, sir," one of the soldiers said.
"You should see her on a studying binge before finals," Xander quipped. "Especially when things stop her from cramming by attacking."
"I bet that mess is very bad," the soldier said, getting one of the last people up and into their truck. "All cleaned up, sir."
"Thank you, guys. I'm sorry I had to make them messy for you." He grinned at Jack. "Have fun with them?"
"I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun, kid." He patted him on the back. "Jon?"
"I'm apparently part of this."
"He's also going to be the den mom while I'm at work," Xander told him.
"That's cool. Let me know what's going on as it happens. How long should this take?"
Xander got a copy of the prophecy and handed it to him. "Here you go. So your research geeks have some research time too," he said with a grin.
"I'm sure Daniel will like that, kid." He looked at Jon, who only grinned and shrugged one-sidedly. He guessed the kid was okay enough, just very over protective. He had seen bears that were less protective of their cubs than this kid was. He went to talk to Gibbs, who gave him what they knew of Riley and his people. Yeah, they could handle the SGC if they could handle demons. They could even make sure they didn't get a chance to torture anyone. It solved a manpower problem they had with finding open-minded people who could command away teams. He left with them.
Gibbs looked at Xander. "That was probably your last strike."
"If they leave me alone I'm a perfectly nice guy."
"Uh-huh. I got ordered to finish your background check." Xander shrugged at that. "Fine." He looked at the little Tony. "Are you coming back with us?"
"Can I beat the Director if she says something?"
"If you must."
"Good. Because I'm still wondering why she was in town for the notification," the bigger Tony told him.
"I asked, she said she was meeting an old college friend."
"She and Cuddy are a lot alike in attitude but Cuddy's a better administrator than she is, mostly," House said.
Xander looked down at him. "She is?"
"Mostly. She can turn into a bean counter now and then but she usually tries." Xander raised an eyebrow. "I know you heard about that. I remember telling you, kid."
"I remember my offer too."
"No, I think I'll go with your new one and just spank them in the caf," he said dryly, shooting him a dirty look.
"It did. Though it might've made her too happy."
"Nah, Dawn made her fall down in a way that meant her skirt hiked up to show the nasty thong." House burst out laughing. The younger Chase gave him a dirty look. "What? Dawn doesn't do snarky females around her unless she likes them."
"I don't think she needs more lessons in that," House said. "Pretty soon she'll be my next protégée." Xander just beamed at that. "Yes, another one to warp into my magnificent image," he told him dryly.
Dawn came out of the kitchen to look at him. "Who said I needed warped to be more magnificent than you are? After all, you'd look sucky in a push up bra, Uncle Greg." She skipped back to the kitchen while he choked, very pleased with herself.
"You would," Xander agreed.
House looked at him. "Well, you tried to warp her like I did you, nephew, but I think you went a bit too far."
"She's Buffy's sister. That might've done it." Dawn burst out cackling at that. "See? Willow tried too. Even Spike tried a few times I think."
House shook his head. "I'm glad you're on this coast if only because you're around more sane people."
"Most of us are sane," Spenser said. "Even if now and then our jobs do make us doubt."
"With some of the ones you deal with daily I'm not surprised," Tony told him. Gibbs looked at him. "He's BAU, boss. Profilers."
Gibbs shuddered. "Thank you for not making me handle them."
"Not a problem," Hotch said dryly. "One less sick person in the world is always better." He looked at Xander. "Though, I do believe someone could use some post-combat calming down time?"
Xander gave him an innocent look. "Dawn would stop me if I ever started to move onto your caseload, Agent Hotchner. Really."
"I might have to lose it like Willow did, but I can do that," she agreed, coming out of the kitchen to look at him. "He's really very well adjusted according to my mother, when she was alive, after all he's seen and lived through." She went to get bowls. "Soups's ready. Come get some if you're hungry." They all filed in and then sat down to eat. She snuggled in between two of the Xanders. "So, now what, boss?"
"Wait for the sixteenth. See how glowy or whatever they get. See how bad it'll get for those who want to go back to their normal lives. You're staying here of course." She beamed at that. "It's safer anyway, Dawnstar."
"I know. I agree. Especially if Buffy dates another badass guy who goes evil like Riley did."
"Since she's stuck on Spike....." he said, trailing off. "I don't think we'll see him going more evil, no."
"Eww," Sam said.
Dawn shrugged. "Not her first and at least he understands her job and what she does." She ate a bite of soup. "We did good, Jon."
"We did." He finished his with a slurp and put the bowl into the dishwasher. "You know, with most of them gone, it'll mean less dishes."
"And less cooking," Xander agreed. "But they're still welcome to come back any time they need it. For advice on how to fight things and other issues too. I figure at least one of you will get the 'it's weird' thing once."
"It will be but we'll handle it," Ryan Wolfe assured him, looking at his younger self. "Though I have not a clue what to do with you."
"Test me out of classes so I don't have to go back to the torture known as high school? I'll try college but not high school again. Please?"
"If possible," Ryan agreed. "We'll do what we can." He looked at Horatio. "Did you tell Eric?"
"I did not tell Eric."
The younger Ryan grinned. "I was hoping you'd let Eric vent for you, H. That way you didn't have to have patrol officers shy away from you for the next month like they did after you lost your temper the last time."
Horatio looked at him. "They did not."
"I did so," he assured him in stereo. Horatio groaned, shaking his head.
"That's okay, demons do it to my sister all the time. You get used to the scary rep," Dawn quipped.
House looked at her, shaking his head. "You don't need one."
"I don't want one unless you threaten me," she assured him. "I want to be a normal girl who does normal girl things, like date cute boys that I can confuse and make do strange things when I have mood swings."
Xander coughed. "Next year."
"You're fifteen. Next year," the youngest Xander clone said.
"Yes, Xander. All of you are worry warts."
"Buffy would try to bring you home if she caught you dating and putting out at your age," the Xander son said.
"Yeah, she would," she agreed. "She'd probably try to have a demon torture me and take me for a wife too."
The original Xander nodded. "Probably, yeah." If not, he might. Derek Morgan gave him a pointed look. He grinned back. "I might just have her sewn shut if she does, but I'll be nicer and let her have a choice of demons to be a wife to."
Dawn looked at the one next to Xander. "Can you please bop him somehow, Dean?" Dean smacked Xander on the head. "Thank you."
"We'll let Wilson find you good boys to date, Dawn," House told her. "Or Chase. He seems to be able to find some cute ones now and then."
"I'm still straight, House," the older one said patiently. "I don't find boys to date." He looked over. "You might ask Foreman. I've never seen or heard about him dating so you'd have to ask his preference."
"Don't let him date Cameron," the younger one piped up. "We don't need her going more bad."
"I have taste," all the Xanders said.
House looked down at him. "Are you sure, nephew?"
"Anya and Cordelia were both very pretty."
"You dated the female version of me?" he asked. "I didn't hear about that."
"More groped in closets than *dated*," Xander admitted.
"Was she good?"
"No clue. Didn't get there."
"Pity. We'll try to find you some mildly naughty ones, kid."
"Thanks, Uncle Greg."
"And Dawn some sane, smart, good boys that'll make her want to go to college and not follow your lead."
"If that's what she wants," he agreed. "Maybe some day she can be a duckling and help you traumatize the hospital."
"Lord help us all if she does," House told him. Dawn gave him a look. "Could you handle that?"
"Why not? I've seen plenty of injuries thanks to them." She shrugged. "Not like I faint at blood or demon goo."
"That might help then. If you want, I'll let you talk to the various docs so you can find a speciality that you like." She grinned and nodded. "But it's a lot of hard work."
"So is not slaying Xander's next girlfriend according to Buffy."
"Possibly," he agreed. He looked at his nephews, who all gave him innocent looks. "You could try to date Chase."
"Still straight," the younger Chase reminded him.
"According to Anya, he's enough to change someone over," Dawn teased. "After all, he made her less former demon and more human."
"Awww, that's a nice compliment," Xander said with a grin.
"You *so* need better taste, dude," Dean complained.
"She was pretty. Even if she did tell me about her former job a few times." Dawn gave him a look. "A week," he added at her staring. He stuffed his mouth.
His son looked up. "I wonder if my other father can find girls like her where he is."
"Don't even suggest it," Jon ordered. "From what I've heard, he's got enough problems with that already." The kid just smirked back. "Besides, I don't think they have demons there."
"So he'll just find bad girls?" Dawn teased.
"Too late for that."
Xander shook his head. "You guys act like it's as bad as Sunnydale."
"It is," Jon told him. "And just as strange too."
"If you say so." He finished up and put his bowl away, taking the other empties with him. The dishwasher was run and the second load was put in once it was done by the younger Ryan. The others settled in to take their kids shopping and get them what they needed while Xander, Sam, and Dean went over the weapons they had on hand with Jon and John. House went to traumatize the hospital some more. And maybe find a pretty resident to date his nephew. His nephew needed a good girl to date for once. Before one who was demonic gave him a funny looking great-nephew or niece. Or worse, he got stuck on Cameron.
Somewhere in the Pegasus galaxy aboard a ship, John Sheppard looked up as someone popped in beside his chair. He frowned at the seeming human. "Who are you and how did you get here?" he asked, flicking the safety off for the weapon in his hands.
"Relax, or as the child says, chill out, dude."
"Um, guys?" John said. "Am I hallucinating?"
"It wouldn't be the first time," McKay said, pulling himself from under a non-working console with the Asgardian engineer who was working with them. "Who is that?"
The little alien blinked a few times. "Oh, dear. Why are you here?" he asked him, coming over to stare at him. "You were under confinement the last I heard."
The man smiled at him, bowing some. "I come to share some news."
"What did he do this time?" he sighed.
"The prophecy," he said in their native language. "It has come to pass. He was helping it along. This one has a son with one of the most chosen. Mostly because they couldn't clone the one he really wanted thanks to a lock on his DNA."
The Asgardian gave him a horrified look. "No. That is not possible," he said in English.
"Oh, yes, it is." He produced a picture from thin air, holding it up for John Sheppard to see.
"He's a cute kid. You came all the way out here to tell him that you have a son?"
"Not *my* son, though a follower of mine's son and yours together. Thanks to my other self." He put it down and a copy of the prophecy. Then he disappeared.
"Who was he?" he said, trying to stay calm.
The Asgardian sighed, looking up at him. "That was Loki."
"Aw, shit!" he said, walking off shaking his head. "How did he do this to me?"
"You mean he's got a clone?" McKay demanded. "Already? He's only been with the program a few years now. It took O'Neill longer than that!"
The engineer looked at him. "No, Loki did not truly clone him. He combined him with another's clone to make a strong warrior to fulfill a prophecy that Loki had been watching over."
"So he's got a son?" he demanded. The alien nodded. "Oh, that's charming news!" He looked at the picture. "At least he's a teenager so there's no diapers." He walked off muttering and shaking his head. Things were getting too strange even for the Pegasus galaxy. He found Sheppard kicking a wall. "Do not make me fix that too."
"That's why I chose this wall."
"At least he's a teenager so you don't have to change diapers and get spit up all over you."
John looked at him. "Shut up, McKay. It's not helping. Send a message back to the base to see if they know already?"
"I'd suppose they did but I'll do that in a minute. Want a ration bar?" he asked.
"I know it's the only nice thing you'll do this year, but right now I want to yell, scream, and beat someone. I'm trying really hard not to make it another living being." He gave him a look. "Please? I'll take it later."
He handed it over and let him go back to taking his anger and frustration out on the wall. McKay went back to the control room. "Do the others know?"
"Perhaps." He finished his message to his high commander, getting one back. "Yes, the last clone he made went with them when they were rescued from the SGC," he said.
"Someone ...rescued them from the military?" McKay asked. "Are they in jail?"
"Thor said he had his reasons. He also said that Loki liked that one so much he made him more than one clone. Two with one son."
McKay looked at the hallway door then at him. "Let's hope he doesn't like Sheppard that way, shall we?"
"They have found him and locked him up again," he assured him.
"Excellent. Let's hope they keep him before they make a clone of me. Though then I'd actually get things fixed on Atlantis I suppose." He went back to his non-working console wires to finish fixing it.
John came back nibbling the bar. "Thor say anything?"
"He liked that one so much he made him two clones and the son you share with him. They were all rescued from the SGC by his other father along with the other clones he made to fulfill the prophecy. The High Commander also said that he did download the memories into them."
John spotted the prophecy and read it over. "That makes no sense."
"They often don't until you decode them," he agreed. "His other self seems to like that one because of who is called. Some of his favorite ones are part of it apparently."
"I want to see my son."
"He's no longer at the base," the alien told him.
"I sent a message back to our base to be sent on," McKay said from where he was working. "For O'Neill personally, Sheppard. Talk to the man."
"Where is he?" he asked the alien.
"Why is he in New Jersey? What is in New Jersey?"
"Loki's other self's favorite worshiper. Your son's other father." John shuddered. "Loki apparently decided you would do well to temper that one's drives."
"Is he insane?" McKay joked.
"Loki said that one reminded him much of a few warriors he knew back in the day. Unfortunately the sort that died young from jumping into battles before they were ready."
"So he's a white knight?" John asked grimly.
"Much as you are, only you pick your battles better," the alien agreed. "Thus tempering the drives of the young one since he has most of your memories as well as his other father's. We do know that he is safe. Loki's other self would not let him come to harm."
"Not helping much. How soon can we get this thing working? Apparently I need to go to New Jersey."
"Within hours," McKay said impatiently. "You could help instead of huff at us."
"Fine." He came over to hold things for Rodney. He wouldn't let him help any other way. Then he could talk to their bosses at the base and see when he could see his son. Hopefully before something bad happened.
The alien looked at him. "Once the prophecy is done, he might be able to join you at the SGC," he offered when he figured out what John was thinking.
"I don't want my son facing wraiths," he said calmly. "Or Gou'ald."
"Then perhaps he will have your brains and do something more useful than firing off weapons," McKay snarked. John accidentally on purpose let something fall on him, making him yelp. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry," he said with a small smirk of his own.
The alien shook his head. Humans were strange creatures.
Xander looked up from handling the demon that had been trying to kill the family pet demon dog/bodyguard for the kids and his son when someone coughed. "Give me a minute. This thing's dangerous if it gets free." He chopped off it's head, finally, and turned around, using the shirt he pulled off to wipe off the blade. "Yo, Junior, you good?"
"I'm fine! Geez!"
"Good. Down, puppy. Back to human doggy size. I got it and you did good work." The dog changed down to normal size and came over to get petted. "Clear off the drool before you get onto the couch this time. John wasn't happy that he sat in a puddle of it last night," he said, giving it some ear scratches. It wiped its mouth on his leg then woofed and turned to walk the young kid inside. Xander grimaced. "Eww." He looked at the guy. "Sorry, it was trying to bother the son while he took the family pet for a walk." He stared at him. "You know, it's clear he has your nose. Xander Harris," he said, holding out a hand.
"John Sheppard. Are you insane? What was that thing and why are you using a sword?"
"It works and it works." He grinned. "Nice escaping job, Junior, could've warned me."
"I'm making coffee and pulling out the hidden cookies," their son called back.
"Cookies and coffee?" he asked with a grin.
"You're not bothered by this?"
"The little guy cloned a few agents, John. You haven't lived until you see them up the street sharing intel before wanting to storm the house and they know they shouldn't."
"I guess. Though I handle emergencies all too often."
"I handle apocalypses with my former team. Well, I did. I'm semi-retired now I guess. Coffee?"
"Sure." He followed this very strange young man inside. Their son stared at him. "I heard you got a brain download?"
"How did you get away from that one chick?" Xander swatted him on the head. "She had feathers!"
"I'm guessing that's when Loki got us because I don't remember," John admitted. The kid just grinned. "So, what's going on?"
Xander sighed, handing over the expanded notes on the prophecy. "They thought you'd do my temper good." He took his coffee and cookies. "Thanks, Junior."
"Welcome, Dad." He sat down with a smirk for John, who was staring at him. "There's two other teenage Xanders. I'm his son so I can do that. It's how we tell each other apart."
"You don't look totally like me," Xander pointed out. "We know who you are even in the middle of the night. The other two smell the same when I'm down to scent and stuff." He sipped his coffee. "Oooh, Gibbs strength."
"It happens. The dog okay?"
"Eating the stove again."
"Dog!" Xander complained. "The boys need the stove so they can eat later." It came out to curl up with him on the couch. "I'm going to buy you a car bumper to chew on or something so you quit that." The dog's tail wagged. "Go use the back yard," he said with a point. It ran outside to pee on the bush it was slowly destroying then went to check out the new car John had driven in. It'd make a nice chew toy he decided. It smelled strange and it looked good. Xander looked at the other father of his son. "So, I know I asked Jon to tell you but who told you?"
"A human looking guy with dark hair that I was told was the human looking Loki."
"Yeah, they took their identities on while they were doing that fighting stuff way back when."
"So you know?"
"Have known. Watchers kept history back before then, John. We showed Jon O'Neill it and he nearly burst out cackling at a few points. He thought it was cute that the ones who were sworn to end the demonic menace thought the others were just crazy and stupid, not worth their time for the most part."
"Good to know. Now?"
"Now, they're kinda busy doing their own thing in England. We get to ignore each other unless they show up for the kids. Then I get to see if I can borrow that special hammer again to go after them."
"It was a sick mess," Junior Xander said with a grin. "One blow and the van the idiots were in went boom. Then the NID guys too."
"I had met them before."
"I remember. Or you do, whatever."
"Are you handling that issue okay?" John asked him.
"I talk to Jon whenever I get confused or pouty about it. He's been there too and it's cool with him."
John smiled. That meant that other Jon was O'Neill's clone, not another relative. "So he's part of this mess? I'm sure the general hates that."
"Kinda," Xander agreed. "But he's doing okay and with what we've found out he might be a turning factor in the few battles they'll have. That I'm not supposed to help with but oh well."
His son smirked at him. "Of course you are. You're a beacon of chaos, Dad."
"Well, yeah," he agreed dryly with a smirk of his own. "And proud to be one." He nibbled on a cookie. "I thought I finished these off."
"Dawn bought another box and hid them from everyone for her PMS needs," he said.
"Hmm. Did she buy other stuff?" He nodded quickly. "Good. She and Tara can do all the girl things they want during those times. It's not going to bother me unless I get cried on again."
John Sheppard shook his head quickly. "Are you insane?"
"I hunted until I heard about these guys," he said plainly, staring him down. "Are you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"I don't think so most of the time either. But now and then things happen that make me wonder."
"Yeah, we've had a few of those ourselves," he agreed. "Mini-me, Rodney wanted to meet you."
"Can I totally fluster him and Ronon?"
"Ronon might want to beat you if you try him."
"Pity. Beyond that, can't happen until after the battles or they might be short." He nibbled on a cookie, looking at him. "If they're down here I don't mind." John nodded. "Really?"
"That's cool. Jon needs to go back for a few days too. Dad?"
"As long as you're safe, kiddo. We have no idea what they're going to do to choose you beyond trying to make you beg the vamp'd siren for some the other night."
"That was kinda freaky," he agreed.
"It'd freak me out too," John agreed. He heard a pop and groaned, going out to glare at the dog. "Get off the rental car!" he snapped. It slunk inside, giving him hurt looks.
Xander came out then looked at the dog. "I told you to chew on the mean neighbor's car, not ours. Sit down." It went to sit with the son. "Sorry. You got that extra insurance, right?"
"I did. Thankfully it was only an extra six bucks a day." He went to get the rental contract from the glove box and called the number. "Hi, I just rented the car today and something managed to pop a tire and a few other choice spots. It looks like a dog was chewing on it. No, I'm not drunk. I wish." He gave them the address and sat down to wait. The dog came back, whining pitifully. He let it sniff him then petted it. "Chew on someone else's car, not mine. Please? I'm a nice guy unless you threaten what's mine." It lapped him and went onto its back for belly scratches. "Sure, I can do that." He scratched it while the tow truck driver headed their way. Maybe he was *too* used to strange things. He wasn't even mad at the dog and he would have been before he shipped off-world.
The driver got out, looking at the car. "I've never seen an accident that caused teeth marks."
John shrugged. "I was inside when it happened. I would've seen a seven foot dog," he said calmly. The driver just nodded and hooked it up. "I'm heading back in two days. What are they doing about it?"
"Don't know. The rental people will call you tonight."
Xander leaned out the door. "If you need us to, we can probably give you a lift to the airport, Sheppard." He looked at the dog. "Thank you, much better." He went back inside and stole one of his son's cookies. "He *so* chewed the bumper and things," he shared, making him go look and burst out giggling. He even took a picture to send to Tony and Ryan. They'd enjoy that story. The dog had to be shooed off Horatio's rental hummer a few times while they had been up there.
Ryan looked at the picture he opened up in his email that night. "Hey, H, it wasn't just your hummer," he said with a grin, letting him see it. "The dog liked other cars too."
Horatio walked off shaking his head. "Thankfully it stayed in New Jersey." His poor hummer. Even a rental hummer shouldn't have that sort of damage. Maybe he should call the Winchesters to see how they kept the dog off that Impala. Just in case it came for *his* hummer.
Ryan shared that one with Charlie Epps, getting a laugh back from the younger one. Yeah, that was a dog story they could appreciate.
Tony opened his email, then burst out laughing. "Hey, boss, the dog got another car."
"I thought the stove was bad," he moaned, trying not to remember the thing that liked to drool on him and Abby.
"Xander's son's other father showed up. The dog decided to chew his car for him." He sent him the pictures, making him snort in pleasure. "It's a rental at least."
"Probably a good thing we didn't let it have Horatio's rental hummer."
"Ryan said he's very possessive of it, boss. He might've tried to shoot the dog if it had chewed on his hummer."
"How would a dog *chew* on a car?" McGee asked. Tony sent him the picture, making him stare. "How big was the dog? T-Rex sized? Not even Marmaduke is supposed to be *that* big."
"It's the kids' pet and protector," Gibbs told him. "It slobbers a lot too."
"Keeps trying to eat the stove too," Tony told him. McGee gave them both dirty looks. "Honestly." The mini him came off the elevator, looking around. "She's at a meeting."
"I saw her pulling back in." He came over to look at the picture. "I think the dog's pretty cool. It gives Junior's other dad time to get to know him as the future God of Smartasses he'll become." He pulled a chair over, sitting next to his older self. "Is there *anything* I can do? I'm bored. I'm *so* bored."
"Go pick up women?" Tony suggested with a grin.
"No thanks. I think we've had most of the pretty ones that're easy to get to and I'm not old enough to hit a bar tonight." He shrugged at the amused look Gibbs sent him. "I'm not."
"No, probably not. No new movies?"
"Not yet," both Tonys said, then grimaced.
"I've got the password to an online college," older Tony offered.
"I tried, I didn't want to take psychology again or the other three classes they're offering this summer." The elevator dinged. "Aw, crap."
"You can hide," he told his younger self.
"Too late." He looked at Gibbs. "So, while I'm here to see my big brother, is there anything I absolutely should see or do, Gibbs? I know you've lived here longer than him."
"The museums and those things?" he suggested. "There's a new car museum and the Pentagon just reopened the ballistics museum they have."
"I might check into those," he admitted. "I've done all the Smithsonians in the past." He saw the director staring. "Ma'am, did you need some help from my big brother?"
"No," she said, still staring at him. "You do look just like DiNozzo."
"We share DNA," he said with a grin. She rolled her eyes and continued up to her office. He looked at Gibbs. "Think Abby wants to hit a rave tonight since I'm of age to do that?" he asked with a grin.
"Hell no," Gibbs told him firmly. "No raves. They're dangerous. We don't need to rescue *you* from the ER later."
"Yes, Gibbs." He looked up there, smiling and waving when he caught her staring again. "You know, one of these days I'm going to have to do something to make her quit staring. McGee, know any good gay guys I can hit on that way?" McGee and Gibbs both choked. He looked over at his other self. "It might help."
"She'd get me on don't ask don't tell. Now, if *you* do it....." They shared an evil smirk, looking over at Gibbs with it.
"I don't want to know," he ordered.
"Fine." Tony got back to work. His other self leaned back to look at what he was doing. "Theft."
"Did you check that one bulletin board we ran into during that kidnaping case? They seemed to have a lot of underground information."
He nodded, getting onto that one to see if they knew. Yup, they did. He sent it to Gibbs and grabbed his gear. "Stay safe."
"Oh, I'll try." He waved as they headed off together. He shook his head, cleaning up Tony's desk mess. He even locked their computers for them before heading down to the garage. He ran into a security guard down there. "Good afternoon. My big brother just ran off to pounce and arrest so I'm going to find something more interesting to do."
"I didn't know DiNozzo had siblings," he said.
He grinned. "Not like Tony would tell anyone anything."
"Good point, kid. You taking his mustang?"
"No, I'm taking my totally crappy rental car." That got a nod and he went to it, finding the Director by it. "You needed something, ma'am?"
"DiNozzo doesn't have siblings by his background check."
"Who said your background check was correct?" he asked with a smirk. "He said he saw it once and it didn't include two of his schools, seventeen of his classes, and the fact that he had almost been engaged against his will to one of his father's business partners." She glared. "I think perhaps someone fell asleep while doing it. He did do boring things back then, ma'am. Is there anything else I can enlighten you about?"
"I know very well he doesn't have siblings."
"Really? Then you explain me," he said dryly. He undid the alarm on the car. "Well?"
"I don't know yet but I will know."
"If you say so, ma'am. I'm sure Gibbs will tell you anything you need to know if you ask him. He's met me in the past." He slid in and drove off, calling his other self on the way. "I just had the most delightful chat with your director who thinks your background check caught everything and said she *knows* you don't have siblings. I told her to explain me then and she said she couldn't, yet. I advised her to talk to Gibbs. Home probably. Yeah, I can pick up dinner stuff. That's not a problem to make. It'll give me something to do this afternoon. I do have it with me. It's in the car with me. Chill. Before you get more wrinkles. I'm already looking horribly old from all the mileage and head injuries you keep giving me." He hung up and went grocery shopping. Making fresh pasta would take half the afternoon so it'd be a good boredom buster.
Tony hung up. "He just said I've put too many miles on this body. I've got wrinkles."
"What else did he say?" Gibbs asked impatiently.
"The director thinks she can prove I don't have siblings. She thinks the background check that wasn't half-done when the agent got shot was correct. She said she couldn't explain him. Yet. Now he's making dinner if you wanted to come over."
"We'll see. He manage to hold her off?"
"Apparently and he's got my backup weapon with him in the car in case he needs it."
"Even better. There's no telling what she's thinking."
"I'm thinking he's got an open dated ticket to New Jersey," Tony said patiently.
"Probably a good idea. Did you tell Fornell yet?"
"Oh, yeah. We went to horrify him last night. His daughter giggled but he just moaned and wanted scotch really badly."
"Gee, I wonder why," McGee said dryly.
Tony grinned back at him. "Could be worse."
"True, it could be triplets."
"Good point." He looked at Gibbs, watching him shudder. "I told Fornell twins."
"Shut up, DiNozzo."
Charlie Epps grinned at the picture of the car, letting Amita see it. "Their pet dog."
"What sort of dog can put dents like that in a car?" she asked.
"It's very large and it slobbers," he told her.
"Most large dogs slobber."
"I'll introduce you the next time it's around." He grinned, sending it to Don. He had seen it trying to eat the hummer too. "I'm sure Horatio is thankful it's not eating his hummer this time."
"You guys are insane."
"Only some days." He smirked and got back to work. His mini-self was grading tests for him while he worked on something for Don. Millie, his department chair, had cooed over him but he had run from her. Alan had told her so she was supportive as long as they hid the younger clone away from his classes. Which meant he could finally get everything done on time and do some research math work.
As time went on, the kids started to get small challenges to their chosen status. Ryan's always ended up being puzzle-like. Which he didn't really like. Jon's were brute strength so Xander was working on his sword skills. It did improve the muscles greatly. The others he suggested it to and they tried but decided guns were easier. Then the first good challenge came. Younger Tony and Younger Ryan were together to do some comparing over a weekend in DC. Spenser was hanging out with them for the afternoon since his older self was doing paperwork - something he enjoyed no longer having to do. They were at the food court of a mall looking inconspicuous when a rather large demon suddenly appeared. "Huh," Ryan said, pointing his soda at it. "Should we handle that?"
"I think we should since it's heading for a woman's kids," Tony said, jumping up and heading toward it. "Hey, ugly, leave the kids alone," he shouted, getting its attention. It sniffed him and growled, trying to bat him. He ducked, barely. "Guys, can we maybe clear the area?" he called. Security guards quit being frozen and got the people out of there. Ryan and Spenser ran to help him.
Spenser called Xander. "Large, green, hairy, standing on two legs, has small, shaved off tusks?" Xander conference called Giles so he gave a better description. "They're vulnerable in the feet and the stomach. Chest has the heart and head has the brain," he announced. "Killed by silver."
"I don't have any silver bullets," Tony said dryly.
Ryan patted himself down. "I left the gun at home." He looked at a watching guard. "Got any silver?" He dove in to at least knock the demon down. Tony got one knee, he got the other, and Spenser used a chair to knock into it so the thing fell onto its back. The boys got out of the way and Spenser panted, looking around. "We need silver or a lot of rope." Cops came rushing. "Okay, or you guys."
"What the hell is that?" one demanded.
Tony looked at him. "Like we know? It was heading for some lady and her kids so we stepped in, Officer." The officers glared at him. "My big brother's a Fed," he said dryly. "He taught me. So is Spenser's and Ryan's is a Miami cop." He looked at the demon. "Got a lot of rope or silver bullets? We called someone who'd know and they said it'd work."
"Sit," the officer in charge demanded. They tied up the thing and carted it off while the boys cooled down and watched. He rounded on them once it was gone. "How did it get in here?"
Ryan shrugged. "We were talking and looked up as it appeared. No clue how it suddenly appeared." He looked up, the skylights were still intact. He looked at the officer again. "I'm not a science nerd, Lieutenant."
The officer glared at him. "You're obviously smartasses."
"No, geniuses," Spenser said grimly. He shrugged. "My big brother's BAU." The lieutenant shuddered. "Sorry. We wanted to get the civilians cleared out of the area since it was going for a lady and her kids. Tony reacted first. I called a friend who does things like that and he put me on with someone who knows how to handle those things. He told us how to deal with it. We knocked it down because none of us had a gun or silver bullets, like he said we needed."
The officer stared at them. "You three just happened to be meeting here?"
"We were shopping earlier," Tony said with a point at their bags. "I needed a new shirt and so did Spenser. We were meeting to hold a support group for little brothers of agents."
He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Where do you three belong?"
Tony grinned. "My big brother works at NCIS with Gibbs."
"I thought you looked familiar. Are you guys at a hotel?"
"I am," Ryan admitted. "But I can go home with Tony for dinner."
"Do so. If we have more questions, I'll call Gibbs." He stomped off again.
Spenser shrugged. "That was nicer than I expected." He went to get their bags, handing them over. They got another milkshake and left the mall, casually blending in with the other teenagers downstairs on their way out the door. They found Gibbs pulling in. Tony opened the back door for them and got into the front. The boys got into the back. "Thanks for the pick up, Gibbs."
"What happened? All we heard was there was an attack on this mall, where you guys last reported yourselves at."
"Huge demon," Ryan told him. "Going for some kids so Tony got its attention, we knocked it down, Spenser called to figure out how to handle it. The cop told me to go home with Tony for dinner."
"Uh-huh." He glared at Tony.
"Don't give me that look. I didn't make the demon appear!"
"Fine," he said, trying to stay calm. "What should we have done?"
"We should've had silver bullets but it might've gotten us in more trouble," Ryan admitted. "We're not old enough for gun permits yet."
"Good point." He drove them off. "Spenser, you should probably call your other self, let him know you're all right. Garcia called me."
"Ooooh. Yeah, he'll be pacing and ranting at Hotch." He called. "I'm okay. It was a huge demon. We knocked it down right before the officers got there." He winced at the yelling. "Well, if I had a silver bullet-filled gun I might've but I didn't, Hotch. What did you expect me to do? Let it eat the lady and her kids? I even called Xander to see how to kill it first. Speaking of, he had to refer that one to Rupert Giles. Can you get me his number? Thanks." He hung up on the indrawn breath to continue ranting. His phone beeped with a text message. That won't save you, Spenser Reid. He held it up to Ryan, who grinned. "Going to call H?"
"Nope. If he wants to know or someone else does, they'll call and ask."
Tony called Garcia. "Hey, dear. It's the younger Tony. Can you please go give the older Spenser and his boss something sweet so they get less pissed that something happened near us?" He grinned. "That'd be great. Thank you." He hung up and looked at him. "She'll share from her sacred candy cane bush."
"It might help."
"If not, we can camp in my room," Tony reminded him. "Or go to camp with Ryan. His room's probably cleaner than mine is."
"Not cute," Ryan warned.
"You're the one who brought up that steam cleaner," Spenser told him.
"It helped! That shower was disgusting."
"Fine," they agreed.
Gibbs shook his head. "Your OCD would drive me nuts on the job."
"Fortunately I'm a regular CSI," he quipped with a grin. Gibbs nodded that was true. He got them back into the shipyards and then into the building, letting Abby have them as punishment. She was bouncy and demanded to know what had happened at the top of her lungs. All three boys flinched. That was a good punishment. Saved his throat for bigger problems.
Garcia walked out and handed the angry boys a candy cane. "Tony said you needed to suck on something sweet to calm down and take a deep breath. That way you could pounce him later on when he came home for the night." She pinched Spenser on the cheek. "You're so adorable at that age now that you're finally keeping weight on again."
He blushed. "Thanks, Garcia."
"You're welcome, sweetie. Hotch, you might want to work with him on his gunmanship skills too."
"Oh, we will be." He opened the hook end of the candy cane to suck on. "Thanks, Garcia. I needed it to soothe my throat for later yelling."
"Of course you did. Remember, things like this will happen to him until that stupid thing is done with."
"I know. How many more years?" Hotch asked.
"Six or seven I think." She shrugged. "Are you ever going to tell the others?"
"Hell no," Spenser said, opening the stick end to suck on. "Thanks, Garcia."
"You're welcome. Gibbs has them right now so he's either yelling at them or he's got Abby or Ducky yelling at them for him." They both smirked at that. She walked off. "He's fine," she told Derek.
"What happened this time?"
"A huge, hairy thing appeared near where they were lounging in the food court." He whimpered, shaking his head. "They had to take it on to save some people. Gibbs has them."
She smiled. "Tony called up to get me to share from my sacred bush so they could have something sweet to suck on instead." He laughed, giving her a hug. She walked off happier.
JJ and Prentis looked at Derek. "What happened?" Prentis asked.
"Spenser's kin got into trouble by handling something that was going on at the mall."
"Ah," JJ said, nodding some. "He must drive Spenser nuts now and then."
"Now and then," he agreed, knowing neither woman had seen him and knew what was going on. He looked toward the office. Rossi was watching Spenser and Hotch have their candy canes. "They're making sure they can yell at someone later," he said, making Rossi look at him. He shrugged a bit. "Spenser's kin had to do something."
"Uh-huh." He walked in there and shut the door. "Spenser, your ....child is all right?"
"He's not my son," he said blandly. "There's no way I could have a sixteen-year-old son, Agent Rossi."
He stared at him. "Unlike the ladies, I've seen him in the halls once, Reid." Spenser winced at that. "I don't want to know how. I don't want to know who did it. I'm not going to be nosy, but he seems to have a lot more trouble attracted to him than you did."
"That's because there's a mystic prophecy stating that he'd be a warrior to hold off the bad things coming," Hotch said.
Rossi stared at him. "A good one or a mumbled mess of words?"
"You know about that stuff?" Spenser asked.
"I have run into it in the past, Spenser. I'm an agent who's been many places and seen many things that I wish I hadn't. Including your clone trying to make time with the girl from the secretarial pool last week." Spenser shuddered. "The pretty, redheaded one, kid." Hotch handed over the folder from his desk, letting him read it. He grimaced. "So, there's more than one?" They nodded. "That would explain the suddenly tight ties we have to NCIS I suppose." He kept going, looking at the information sheets. "You routinely keep this here?"
"It's in a locked drawer," Hotch said.
Rossi handed it back. "That's too dangerous to have lying around, boys. Remember, the FBI runs on politics too and if they find out about this they'll use it somehow." They both nodded. "Hide it better but I do like the little guy. He seems to be helpful. How is his training going?"
"Xander's offered to teach him sword work but I don't think it's necessary."
"It might be," Rossi offered. "And how to use a gun since I heard you weren't that proficient." Spenser grumbled but nodded. "Good. Since I saw a familiar name in there I'll check in with him to make sure you guys don't have any higher things that need hidden."
"There's a military unit that does that," Hotch told him. "It has presidential only oversight."
"Good! Though I do like them. NID still has people everywhere and supporters in every other place in the building." He walked off, thinking about it. He had run into hunters in the past thanks to a case or six. He called the one he remembered best. "Singer, Rossi. I'm working with Spenser Reid.... Yes, on that," he agreed, smiling some as he leaned back in his desk chair. "Is there anything I should know to help?" He nodded, making mental notes. "I can do that. No, they just had to handle something appearing in a mall. Thanks. Let me know if there is something I can do." He hung up and considered it. Better Spenser than him. Really.
Xander walked the youngest clone into House's office, interrupting him chewing Foreman a new one. "I suppose I could have worse timing." House glared at him. He scowled back then pointed. House looked at the boy then groaned, pointing at his office. "Thanks." He walked that way putting him on the couch. "I don't know how you did it, but you'll take better care of yourself than I do. Especially since we're so close to Uncle Greg."
"Whatever." House stomped in. "Tell him he's being a parent?"
"He is but it's a good thing. I nearly beat him a few times for not going to the ER when he needed to."
"I went when I needed a cast," Xander offered with a grin.
"Good! Now if you'd go the other times!" He looked at the kid. "What did you do?"
"The dog and I were wrestling and I ran it into the coffee table." He sighed and let House see his leg. "See, not broken."
"I can stitch some areas, not places that have thin skin like the top of your leg," the bigger Xander shot back. He looked at House, who stared at him. "It came in handy," he defended.
"I'm sure it did." He settled in to look at the cut. "It's too deep for just a bandage, Xander."
"I don't...." His older self glared. "You'd handle it at home too."
"No, I'd have let Tara do a healing and cleaning spell on it," he said smugly. His uncle whapped him on the arm with his cane. "Ow!"
"Good. You deserved it." He stared at his nephew. "You know what an ER is. You saw me in one many times."
"Which is why I'm a bit phobic now, even if Sunnydale's wasn't crap."
"Good point but out here we have *good* ones. Including the one downstairs."
"He refused to go. I tried to take him in that way and ended up wrestling with him. So I brought him up here instead. He still struggled but not as much. I nearly knocked his ass out but Cuddy was watching by then. She would've called Social Services on me in a heartbeat."
"Fine." He went out to get what he needed from the nearest nurse's station. He ran into Chase hiding out there. "My nephews hate the ER."
"I've been looking into the one in their town based on what the younger ones said to my little brother. I wouldn't go to a place that kills that many people a year either. Especially not when your nephew can stitch and can probably make a plaster of paris or a paper-mache cast."
"Neither of those would hold up well enough."
"Paper-mache might," he corrected. "If wrapped tightly enough. He can probably do fiberglass if he wanted to." He shrugged. "I'd still rather send Cameron out there to fix the stupid place so less people die."
House smirked at him. "That's an evil thought."
"We had a movie binge last night before you called me in." He walked off with the chart.
House went in to clean and stitch then bandage the kid's leg. He'd *convince* Cameron to look up the hospital out there while his nephews took him to lunch. Her shriek followed them up the hallway. She headed for Cuddy, they headed for the caf. It was all good in their worlds.
Xander 2 looked up as the latest challenge came near them, frowning at it. He was visiting Charlie at the moment so he could freak out Angel and Cordelia, which had been a very pretty sight. She had nearly clung to him for sanity while Angel had whimpered when he pulled out pictures of the three younger and the original Xander. Cordelia vowed to start praying 'sorry' messages to Loki over having four of them under him. So when the FBI building was invaded by shrieking, flying things he got to be amused. He called Sam because he had *no* idea what they were. "Sam, it's the younger Xander. There some shrieking, flying things.... Looks like that, yeah. How?" He smiled. "Thanks. No, I'm visiting Charlie's brother Don with both Charlies. Yeah, at work. Thanks, man." He hung up. "Rock salt into them," he told Charlie.
"Yeah, that's what Sam said. He'd know; they do this sort of thing too."
"Okay. Hey, Don?" He moved to where his brother was guarding some agents. The demons were leaving them alone. "Sam said we needed to get rock salt into them."
"How would you do that?"
"They use shotguns," he said blandly. "Do we have anything?"
"I can get rock salt," Xander said, texting Willow. A bag appeared beside him with something. "A mini catapult. Sure." He set it up and let Charlie aim while he packed balls of salt onto a bit of hand sanitizer to keep it loosely together in flight. The first one shrieked. They reloaded and went again. The things eventually gave up and left. Xander waited, one last ball in his hand. One popped back so he threw it at her, making her scream in misery as she faded back out. "Think they're done? I can make more."
Charlie considered it then nodded. "Probably. If not, we have it here."
"I need to start carrying a Winchester-style kit instead of my own. Things were easier when it was just strange demons and vamps."
Charlie patted him on the back. "Still too strange for me or anyone I know, Xander." Xander grinned at that compliment. One came back. "So I was wrong." Xander formed a new one and tossed it to Don, who used to play baseball. He threw it. The demon died this time. "Good shot."
"Thanks." The others gathered their fallen one up then left for good. He looked over. "Rock salt?"
"So said Sam," Xander told him.
Don shook his head. "I'm torn between not wanting to know and it might come in handy."
"Talk Sam into writing a manual," Charlie offered. They packed up their small mess and headed back to the bigger Charlie, who had been guarded by Don. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. That was good work with the catapult."
"Thanks," he said with a grin.
"Very good work, guys," Don agreed. "Go have a burger or something?" They beamed, took the ten bucks, and went to have a snack. He looked at his little brother. "You get to explain this to dad too."
"Nope. He doesn't need to know unless they show up at the house."
"Good point." They got everyone back to their seats and then went back to the case at hand. Xander had pointed something out earlier that had changed Charlie's math track and made it simpler to find them. Now all they had to do was wait for the guy to show up there like he wanted to do.
Spenser looked up as someone yelled his name, standing up to find a woman standing there. "Do I know you, ma'am?"
"I'm Mildred Butchers, Mr. Reed. Where is your big brother?"
"Roanoke testifying today." He sat down, staring at her. He knew what she was. "You do realize he does leave me with a competent guardian while he's out of town?"
"I've heard he leaves you with one of his harem," she sneered.
"No, I don't think he and Garcia have ever tipped it that way," he said dryly. "Garcia?" he called. "CPS." She came out scowling to get into her face. The women faced off.
"I'm told that you're in a relationship with his brother?"
"Friends, only friends. I have a boyfriend, thank you," she said smartly, staring at her.
"We think it's unusual that you'd leave such a vulnerable young man with someone he wasn't related to."
"Not like Spenser's married," Garcia shot back. "He has no other relatives."
"Also, not all that vulnerable," Spenser pointed out. "I'm seventeen and in college. That means I'm exempt from the child care rules, Ms. Butcher." He smiled at her. "Not like a genius is going to play with matches. Especially not at my age."
She glared at him. "You're still too young to stay at home."
"I'm seventeen, not seven. I can stay alone overnight if need be. I can cook, take care of myself, do my homework, and all that good stuff without someone nagging me." She glared. He glared back, making her stand up. "If you're worried about something happening because of a case, my brother's supervisor has made sure I'm proficient in not only Spenser's service weapon but also the backup we have in the house. Plus a friend has taught me sword work, crossbow skills, and even how to handle a light battle axe. As well the methodology behind aiming artillery at a target smaller than a barn," he finished dryly with a small smirk. She was pale now.
"There is no way something is going to get me at home. If someone should try, I do have a panic button. If I'm at home because I need to study more than I need to let Garcia fuss over me, then she calls every hour to check on me. Even waking me up sometimes to do that. If I don't check in with her during it, she'll have the police at my doorstep within seconds. I do live up the street from a station." He smirked. "Now, were there any other worries you have about me being seventeen and able to handle myself?"
"Your brother's superior was the one that called us."
"I sincerely doubt Agent Hotchner called you," Garcia told him. "Or Agent Rossi." The woman glared at her. "They are Spenser's supervising agents."
"The one above them."
"How would they know? I've never met the people above them," Spenser told her. "Nor do I really want to deal with the political bullcrap they give you at that level. It's really too tiring and takes my mind from more important matters." He smiled. "Now, anything else?" She huffed off. He wiggled his fingers. "Have a nice day." He looked at Garcia. She smirked back. "We should let Hotch know."
"I will. You stay here and study something to make yourself smarter."
He grinned. "You know, we had a thought of since I have almost all his skills and knowledge, then I'll gain more on top of it. If they do it to us when I'm about his age, then that one will be able to learn more fields if they put all our knowledge into him......" He grinned.
"You'd be scary smartest man on earth, dear." She went back to her office to call Hotch. "It's me and it's not good news."
"New case?" his voice came from the speaker.
"A Ms. Butcher with CPS just showed up about Spens. Your boss called about leaving a defenseless little guy like him home alone or with me."
"Anything on her?"
"Haven't started yet. Want me to?"
"Please. Did she slip and say which boss?"
"I'll yell at her later," he decided. "Thanks for the warning. She still there?"
"Huffed off after Spenser went uber-geek on her. She was not happy he's not scared of the dark. She looked a bit scared when he rattled off what weapons people are teaching him to use, but not that impressed with it."
"I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, Garcia. We're nearly done and on our way back." He hung up.
She got into the databases to search out this woman. If she had ties back to NID, they needed to know.
Spenser came in a bit later, leaning over her shoulder. "Look for ties to a law firm called Wolfram and Hart. Angel's people out in LA are dealing with them and Charlie said that they tried to entice his younger self and him both to work for them," the older one said in her ear. She smiled and highlighted something. "Good to know. Any other bad associations?"
"Just that and a drinking habit." She printed it for him, getting a grin. "He did blow her objections out. Including that you didn't leave her with a relative. It was pointed out you're not married so who else would you leave him with."
"I'm going to talk to them anyway. Thank them for their worry about my little brother." He walked out. "She's tied to Wolfram and Hart."
"Disgusting of her," the younger Spenser said, considering it. "Didn't they lead a human sacrifice last year?"
"And didn't get caught," Rossi reminded him as he walked past the desk. "JJ and Prentis are coming."
"We're going to talk to the nice person who told her about us." He and his clone walked to the elevator, waving at Prentiss, who just stood and gaped. Spenser grinned. "This is my little brother."
"I can see that."
He grinned and waved. "Someone higher up decided I'm helplessly alone while you guys are working." They got onto the elevator, heading up there. They walked in on Hotch yelling. "Oh, do let me," he said, walking around him. She gaped. "I'm not some helpless babe to need care, ma'am, but I do appreciate your concern about my well-being. In fact, I'm so honored by it that I've decided to look that woman up to talk to her about her ties to a law firm that holds human sacrifices and things like that. There's also ignored charges of witness tampering, judge and jury member murders, little things like that which the higher ups have ignored." He smiled. "Its fortunate you're not tied to her."
"You're how old?"
"Seventeen. If you had asked, as a concerned supervisor, we would have told you that I'm very well protected by Garcia and fully trained in case someone breaks into the house. Including a family friend teaching me how to use a sword." She swallowed. "Or a light battle axe. I found a very pretty one recently online that I'm debating about ordering for the wall." He stared her down. "But we do thank you for your concern. We know how hard it is to concentrate on single bureau members at your level of politics and paperwork. But don't worry, I'm more than old enough to handle myself and protect myself if I'm home studying something." He walked out, taking Hotch with them.
They paused to wait for the elevator, listening to her calling her friend about that law firm. She sounded a bit panicked. "Pity someone higher up keeps us from getting them," Hotch said as he got onto the elevator. The two Spensers smirked at him. "Any other problems today?"
"Prentiss stared like we were mythical."
"I'm sure she did," he sighed. "Well, they'd have to catch sight of you sometime, Spenser." They got out, heading back to the unit. "I think she's been stopped. Let's hope so anyway." He went to his office to take some advil. Yelling gave him a headache these days.
"Take something for your sinuses," the younger Spenser called after him. "That's a sinus headache caused by the vibration of the yelling you did." Hotch smirked at him through the window. But he did that too. He sat down at his other self's desk, staring back at JJ. "What?"
"You definitely look like your big brother."
"We do share DNA," he said with a smirk.
"Smartass works better on Xander or Jon," Derek said, shooting him a look. They just grinned back. "If she comes back, warn us so we can come take the gun from you."
"Sure, I can do that," the older Spenser said. "And then I'll ask Xander how to dispose of her."
"Xander might know someone who might eat her," the younger one agreed.
Derek shuddered. "Eww."
"Well, yeah. Did you see Junior's other father's car? The dog got it." He showed him the email and picture, making him brush off the last thought. "The dog was so good to give them extra time together."
"I'm sure it was. That dog's strange."
"And drools," the younger Spenser reminded him with a grin.
"I remember the lines of slobber the dog wiped on my leg, thanks anyway."
JJ shook her head slowly. "This isn't his brother."
"Yes I am. Unless you believe I'm his slightly more evil clone?" younger Spenser asked with a smirk.
"Or he sent the older Spens out to be him while he was hiding due to his age," Derek agreed.
"No. I can't believe that. But something's clearly going on."
Spenser, the original one, looked at her. "There might be but don't worry about it. It won't impact you."
"Okay, that's good to know." She got back to work, sneaking glances at the kid now and then. Prentiss was doing the same thing. The boy just waved and grinned when he caught her. She was lacking in subtlety again.
"Why don't you two head home for dinner?" Derek suggested at the amusing show continuing into the second hour. "The little clone there probably has a test sometime soon he has to study for."
"I read ahead in physics, Derek."
"Uh-huh. Hey, Hotch, can the two brothers go to dinner so Prentiss can quit staring?" he called. Prentiss blushed, ducking back behind her desk divider.
"It's nearly quitting time, go ahead," he called. He smirked as they gathered their things and left. Slightly more evil clone? Yup. And more wild too. He would not tell Spenser or Garcia that the younger one and younger Tony had talked a biker duo into giving them a free ride the other night. Or anything that might have happened afterward that would probably be conjecture so shouldn't be spread around like gossip.
"No going out with the lesbian biker chicks tonight," Garcia called from her office. "Let them remember that they're together instead of drooling over you and Tony."
"How did you hear about that?"
"A friend in Traffic caught it on their replay of tickets," she said with a smirk.
He gave her a hug. "I had fun. I never rode a motorcycle before." He left, smiling at his older self.
"You and Tony get into too much trouble. I can't do that. It's not fair."
"You could ask Tony but he's buried under cases and Gibbs."
"Good point. Maybe we should go have fun tonight."
"Maybe," he agreed. "That play place?"
"That'll work." They went there, shocking everyone in the office when they heard about the place being shut down later on and them being there. It had been fun to play and watch others playing. They weren't the ones in trouble but it had been fun to watch and turn in.
Xander hung up with his weekly check in with Spenser, frowning as he called Angel's people. "Wes, long time no hear. No, this is the original one, not one of the younger. One of W&H's people went after one of them. DC. Yes, one of *them*," he said bluntly when Wesley asked something, interrupting him before he could get it out. He had no idea if they were tapping his line or if Wolfram and Hart was tapping Angel's. He was allowed to be a bit paranoid these days. Wesley said something else. "Wesley, how hard is it to tap a line?"
Jon peeked out of the kitchen. "They'd need warrants."
"Wolfram and Hart have government contracts."
"Oh, them. Never mind. They could be doing it magically, which would be freaky."
"Yeah, a lot." He listened to Wesley. "That's the second one they tried to get, Wes. They tried the one out by you too." Wesley said something and then yelled for Angel. "That'll work. Let me know if you need my help. Laters." He hung up. "They're going to see what they can find out about that."
"Spenser's people going to see why they haven't been taken down yet?"
"Higher ups worshiping demon dick," he said bluntly. "I'd do anything for power," he said in a falsetto, walking back to the couch to get back to his reading.
Jon snickered. "You should hear Teal'c try that move." He went back to making himself a snack. "Any other good news?"
"Spenser and Tony, ours, were waiting on a cab when a pair of lesbian biker chicks offered them a ride home. They were very polite to the boys when they flirted back." Jon choked. "They had a lot of fun. Spenser said he liked being on the back of a hog."
"Maybe Greg can take him for a ride then," he said dryly.
"He might. Though, Uncle Greg would make a terrible lesbian biker chick." Somewhere in the house, Oz choked at that statement. He smirked as Jon came out shaking his head. "He would."
"He'd make an ugly woman period, Xander. Your mind's going funny again."
"It happens." He took his sandwich from Jon, getting a grin. "Thanks for making dinner, Jon."
"Welcome." He sat down to eat as well. "Anything else good happen?"
"Charlie's figured out what Larry's last problem's problem was. He fixed it for him, making him a happy physicist. The cranky neighbor up the street finally gave up hating us and settled for ignoring me earlier when I took the dog for a walk. So I didn't let him eat her car this time. The new guy who just moved in up the street is going to bother me because I know I know him."
"The blond guy."
He went to look at the house out the door, frowning at the dog. "How did you get out? Get inside and don't touch my food." Xander moved his plate for him. He looked up there, then back at Xander. "I know I know him too."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I think Willow could probably identify him." He moved the plate away from the dog again. "Go lay down." The dog whined. "I don't care. Go suck up to Tara and Oz." It ran off because Tara would let him nibble on something for her. "Any clue?"
"I think his name is Tommy but other than that, no idea where I saw him." He shrugged. "Is he going to be a problem?"
"He hasn't come over to say hi yet but he seemed a bit grumpy this morning." He handed the plate back. The dog slunk back, earning a look. "What did you do?"
"Tried to eat my atheme," she called.
"You know better than to touch the altars, dog. Go lay down." He pointed. The dog went to hop up into the free recliner. He only got the good chair when Dean wasn't here. He shook his head. "Dogs do make your life more interesting."
"Very," Jon agreed dryly. "I talked to the bigger me. They're not having fun this week."
"Need to go help? Is this one of the challenges?"
"It might be. He's not sure he wants to expose us that way. He thinks they have it."
Xander just nodded once. "Uh-huh. Who'd you take if you're going?"
"Me, Dean, Sam, both of you and the son, maybe Chase if the docs need more help."
Tara leaned around the doorway. "Did we forget Oz hacks?"
"Nope," Xander and Jon said.
She grinned. "He said something about Ori and attacking the base?"
"Shit," Jon said, finishing his sandwich on the way to get changed. He texted the others. They got changed where they were and Dawn did the spell to bring them together. The travel agency had linked them for that spell so she only had to pick and choose, then reactivate it. Then make them go to the base. That was easy enough to accomplish. And hey, they had semi-official looking SGC clothes thanks to their stint on base. None of the soldiers minded some backup. The three Xanders moved to where bigger Jack was, the others following them. It stopped the fall-back trend the base's guys were following. They got to the main battle and stepped in like the pros they were. Sam gagged a bit at it but he had seen it before hunting. He was just too nice to learn to like it. But hey, so was Jack, and by extension Jon. They finished cleaning up the mess and Jon looked at his older self. "You needed help?" he asked dryly.
"Well, yeah, I get it from the best."
"Jon!" Sam said, jogging over to hug him. "How did you get here?" She looked him over.
"Dawn." He pointed. Dawn was there checking over the Xanders. "She's learning medic skills from Chase. Did you guys need him too?"
"This is a classified base," she reminded him.
Dawn looked over. "Not like we weren't here before, Sam. Duh. Engage the brain and get out of warrioress mode."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Anyone need cleaned up?"
"Just a scratch," Sam and Junior said together.
"Graze," Dean corrected. "Both of you."
"They happen," Jack and Jon told him. They the younger stuck his tongue out at his original self. "Thanks, guys."
"Welcome," they said. Dawn took them but Jon. Who scowled. He was gotten a minute later.
"Couldn't link me in?"
"I couldn't get you from Jack. You two were standing too close together." She gave him a quick hug. "Like I'd leave you to be bored on a base in lockdown. You'd drive them nuts like you do us." She bounced off to go back to bandaging under Chase's watch.
"Geez, again with the mushy," he complained, heading for the bathroom. By now most everyone was out of the shower. Sam was drying his hair. "You done?"
"Yeah, there's even some hot water since it's been about ten minutes since I got out."
"Cool. Thanks." He stripped off and slid in, not caring a whole lot about the cool water he got. It'd work for now. He was sweaty. He came out to find no towels left and he hadn't brought in clothes. He wrapped his pants around his waist on his way back to his room, making Tara squeal and blush, but turn away. "Sorry, we're out of towels."
"I'll start some so you don't have to run around naked," she said, running off.
"I'm nearly as good as any girl," he called after her.
"You have icky boy parts, no you're not."
"Whatever." Tara did lighten his spirit. He walked into the room he shared with Junior, getting tossed some sweats. "Thanks, I forgot to bring some over."
"It happens." He went back to his reading. "The new neighbor saw the dog trying to eat a car and came to ask. Xander had to tell him he was just like that, he was an adoption puppy."
"I guess he kinda was." He shook his head quickly. "He chewing on that guy's car?"
"The nasty neighbor's car. She had cops over to complain about us. The cops came out to find him chewing on her car and their cars with popped tires and mangled bumpers. Xander said he was teething."
Jon snickered quietly. "A bit, probably."
"No probably about it. He's teething," Xander said as he walked past the room. "I got groceries and supplies while you guys were gone. Clean your weapons."
"Yes, Dad," Jon snarked, getting up to do that. He looked at Junior. "Coming?"
"Already done and checked by Dean."
"Cool." He went to do his own, taking it from Sam. "I'm not helpless or injured."
"Sure." He picked up the next one to look over. "Dean wanted me to reclean them all since he forgot what he checked."
"In other words he wanted some personal time and you needed to scoot?" he taunted with a smirk.
"Probably. Post battle hormones can be like that."
Jon nodded. "Yup, they can. We did good though."
"We did," Sam agreed, relaxing again. "How can you just flip the switch back to calm?"
"I work it out in my head with nightmares and I'll think about it during PT." He looked up. "Right now I'm going over every move I made, making sure I didn't make a fatal mistake in there somewhere that I'll have to correct next time. If I wanted to angst, I'd start doing pushups again."
"Oh." He slumped, looking at him. "There's always a next time, huh?"
"Until you retire or you die," he agreed, looking at him. "Like there's always a next hunt, only this is a bigger scale. Just as deadly too. Yours took out things on a smaller scale."
"Yeah, I guess it is like that." He considered that. He had angsted after a few hunts but he could handle it now by putting it into that reference. "What happens if we have to bring Spenser or Charlie with us sometime?"
Jon sighed, putting down the barrel he was swabbing. "They'll handle it. For being a nerd, Spenser is still an agent. The same as Tony is. I asked, he has fired in the line of duty before." Sam nodded at that. "Charlie can't use a gun but Don was going to fix that for him and the older one." That got another nod. "Guys like Charlie are rear support so unless they get overrun or a move made on whatever command post we have at the time, he'll be fine. Spenser will be there too probably. I'm more worried about someone like Ryan, who's had an iffy past with guns. He can but he's frozen before. Or Oz, who might not know how since he refused lessons in how to use them but pointed out he could use a sword and other archaic ones so it'd cross over if it had to."
"Oz is straddling the line anyway," he pointed out. "He's got rear support skills as a hacker."
"True." He grinned. "I'm hoping we don't have to think that way but you never know what they'll throw at us." He looked outside. "Hmm, cops." He went to answer the door since he was getting out of the car. "Yes, officer?"
"Sir, is that dog of yours dangerous to people?"
"Only if you attack us," he said, shrugging a bit. "Xander? Cops here about the dog."
Xander came to look over Jon's shoulder, smiling some. "Dog, outside." The dog went out to sniff at him. The officer let him, then relaxed. "He's friendly, he just thinks metal is for teething."
"He's a big sucker."
"Change," Jon ordered. The dog grew, making the officer stare at it, then at them. "Family protector. Unless you attack us, or your car looks tasty, you're pretty safe. Though he's going to slobber on you."
"Good dog, down," Xander ordered, coming out to pet him. "He's a good family protector, Officer."
"Why does your family need something...like that as a protector, sir?" the officer asked, letting the dog go back to sniffing around his feet. He winced when he headed for the car. "Can you maybe...?"
"Dog," Xander called, bringing him back to them. He came out to sit on the stairs to pet him. "Better. Thank you." He grinned at the officer. "I'm from out by LA and some bad things have happened out there in the past. He's protecting me and the kids."
"Are you guys maybe a cult?" he asked.
Xander giggled. "No, thank you anyway. I don't do more than house-mom and cook, Officer. No religious stuff or anything. That's up to each of them to decide. I do teach them self-defense in case something attacks them out in the rest of the world. Here, we just let the dog drool on them."
"I can see why. Why are you guys needing self-defense training?"
"My big brother's military. A bunch of the kids who traipse in and out are the little brothers of agents and cops," Jon said. "Xander's considered a safe shelter spot by them."
"Oh. Okay, I can understand when bad cases come back to haunt you guys. Just self-defense?"
"Many of us already had weapons training," Jon said gently, for him. "Xander makes sure we take care of what we have with us. My big brother sent me with a P-90 to protect myself. Just in case, ya know?"
"I can understand the worry but we're pretty peaceful around here."
"Yeah, which is why you only hear us complaining about the price of fruit and twinkies," Xander agreed with a grin. The officer finished relaxing. "We're really sorry the dog likes her car. I don't know why he thinks it's tasty but he does. The cruisers today we're *really* sorry about but the dog snuck out and came over. I was napping before someone screamed."
"I can see how that happens. He can work doorknobs?"
"Screen door on the back door," Jon told him. "We're trying to figure out how to keep him inside since he'd just eat the chain if we gave him a tie out."
"Good point. Yeah, I can see how that'd be a problem. Watch out for the new neighbor, he's got a Beamer in his garage."
Xander looked at the dog. "No more eating the neighbor's cars." The dog lapped him and barked. He sighed, looking at the officer. "He started out chewing on the stove. We had to make him stop before he ate the thing. He finally got the point that the humans had to have it to eat too."
The officer smiled a little bit, shaking his head. "It's definitely a unique pet, sir. Try to keep him off your neighbor?"
"I do try an awful lot but she's bitchy. I've dated bitchy women but she's uber-bitchy. Mine used to make people cry when she snarked at them and she's worse. Or trying to be anyway."
"Anya used to make people cry?" Jon asked.
He looked up at him. "Cordy."
"Heard about her from the littler one." He looked at the officer. "She's in LA."
"Some strange things are supposed to come out of LA." Xander pointed at the dog's head. "That makes a lot of sense then. Just try. Please?"
"We do try," Jon promised. "We'll try harder."
"Thank you." He got back into his cruiser, heading back to tell the others about the dog.
Xander looked down at the dog. "I don't care if she does smell like a hellhound in heat, leave her house alone. And the new one too, dog." It lapped him again. "Thank you." He put it back into the house. Then he stood up to look at Jon. "You guys okay? Calming down okay? Need to talk?"
"We're good so far. Sam might," he offered.
"I talked to Sam. He's handling it and didn't want to talk about it."
"I'm good. Not the first time."
"Good." He left him alone, heading back to shoo the dog off the refrigerator. "We need that appliance too, dog." It ran off to chew on Dean's favorite gun, getting smacked on the tail for it so he switched to an old machete Dean didn't mind if he chewed on. "You could send him to your bigger selves. He might be bored," he called.
"I'd kill you if it ate the Impala," Dean called back, walking out into the kitchen with the dog. "Bobby might like it though, take some of the scrap metal no one's going to want to recycle around the scrap yard." The dog stared at him. "Go see our Dad, dog." It disappeared, going to find John. Xander frowned. "Didn't realize it could do that?"
"I figured it could but we were too amusing."
"Maybe. It does have stomach love for us," he said dryly, going to lock up his guns again. Before the dog came back.
Xander shook his head, going back to his cooking.
John Winchester looked up as a howl echoed and a dog appeared beside him, fortunately in little dog mode. "What are you doing here?" It came over, tail wagging, to get some ear pets. "What? No cars at home?" It woofed, wiping its chin on his leg. "Eww." He petted it anyway, much to the amusement of the other hunter he was sharing information with. "It's Dean's pet. It likes to chew on metal." He let the dog sniff him then it sat there staring at him. "Know him?" It changed into the larger size, making the hunter whimper. "Down," he snapped. The dog changed back, going back to happy puppy mode, jumping on the poor guy to pet him. "Pet his ears." The hunter gave him a horrified look but did it so the dog would quit jumping on him. "We have no clue where it came from. Xander activated it and let it guard the younger kids. He's very protective but he likes car bumpers and tires."
"I guess that's normal for them?"
"No clue," John admitted. He patted him when he came back. "Behave." It barked and wiggled. John threw a stick, letting it run off. "The boys like it. Dean complains that it keeps trying to chew on his shotgun."
The other hunter burst out laughing. "You're serious?" John nodded. "But it's demonic."
"It's protecting the younger kids from the ones that want them," he pointed out. "I like it for that much, even if it is trying to get my truck. Get off my tires!" he yelled. It came back with the stick. John threw it in the other direction, just in case it wanted to hit their cars again. "I should send you to Bobby for obedience lessons," he told it when it came back.
"Bobby would kill you," he pointed out.
John smirked. "I'd send the younger pair with him. It'd give them a helper on their hunts."
"This younger Dean has got to be going strange."
"Not usually but he's been annoying others for weeks. This gave him a larger pool to prank." The other hunter rolled his eyes. The dog pounced him in larger form to lick. John pulled the dog off him while the other hunter whimpered. "Sorry."
"That dog's too strange for hunters."
John shrugged. "Not my pet. It's Dean's." He looked at him. "Dean said he had a hell of a sense of humor. Maybe it was supposed to be a sense of humor from hell?"
The other hunter gave him a look. "You need a long vacation, Winchester." He walked off shaking his head, sending the dog back when it tried to follow him.
"You can't eat his car either," John said, taking hold of the collar. "Behave." The other hunter left. John walked the dog back to his truck, putting him inside so they could head off. He was within a day of the Roadhouse.... maybe Ellen would like to meet Dean's pet? She did have that pile of scrap metal that Bobby kept saying he was going to move for her. And Ash would probably love the dog drool.
Dean answered his phone. "Yeah?" He listened to the swearing, snickering some. "Sorry, Ash. No, it's the family's protector. It's a good dog, he just likes metal. Are you okay? Dog slobber happens, man. Trust me. I woke up covered in it from him before." He listened to him complain, waving Sam over so he could hear. "Yeah, we know, but Xander got him to protect us. Nah, we're good. Don't worry about it." He grinned. "Sure, send him back. Tell him to come back to Xander." He hung up on Ash yelling that across the room at the dog. "Xander, the dog tried to eat a hunter."
"He smell like a bitch in heat?" Xander asked from where he was reading.
"No idea, dude." He grinned at Sammy. "He did gnaw on that pile of scrap for Ellen. Bobby can't figure out what type of demon dog he is." Xander pointed at a bookcase so he went to look, finding the classification manual. He sent his father a text, getting a growl back. "He disappeared."
"Dog?" Xander called. Nothing. "Call the others to warn them?"
"I'm still here," Junior reminded him. "I don't go to visit Ryan for another week."
Dean and Sam sent out texts to warn the other kids that the dog was visiting someone. Probably one of the traveling Xanders. Even Uncle Greg got one. House was not pleased and he had his ducklings go check the hospital for the dog. He did not want it eating some equipment he'd use to tort...treat someone.
Besides, he couldn't even imagine the fit Cuddy would throw if the dog ate something like the MRI machine.
Tony looked around the bullpen then shrugged. "If anyone sees the family protective dog, send him home," he announced.
Gibbs gave him a horrified look. "It can travel?"
"Yup. Dean and Sam said it's wandering to check on us." He grinned. His older self came back from the bathroom. "The dog's traveling to visit."
He looked around then shrugged. "It's not here yet. Until we hear a complaint from the guards about chewed cars we should be okay." He sat down to get back to work, sipping his new cup of coffee. Gibbs was giving him a dirty look. "What?"
"I don't want that drooling beast here."
"Tell Abby, it might be visiting her, boss. He liked to snuggle in her lap," the older Tony said dryly.
Gibbs dialed, calling her. "Send the dog away if it shows up." He hung up.
She came up to give him a hug across his desk. "I'll send away drool dog if he shows up. Quit panicking. He won't eat your car. He likes how you growl at him. He thinks you're a pack mate." She grinned and walked off again.
"Hey, boss, when you go out for coffee, can you get me more rolaids too?" McGee quipped. Gibbs got up to smack him on the head as he went out for coffee, shaking his head the whole way out of the building.
"Cute," the Tonys said in unison, getting an evil smirk back.
Ziva shook her head. "I don't know why the dog would like him."
"I'll introduce you sometime," the older Tony promised with an evil grin.
Ryan looked around the lab. "Um, Eric, let me know if you catch a dog around here, okay? The family's protector dog is loose and visiting."
"It can get down here from New Jersey?" he demanded.
"Yeah. And it likes metal to chew on. It *really* wanted H's hummer."
Eric called him. "H, Ryan said that the dog is loose. To tell him if it shows up because it liked your hummer?" He listened to the complaining going on. "Is it already here?" He nodded once. "It came to visit your brother's visitor."
"I forgot one of them was down here." He shrugged. "I haven't been home in a day though. I'll get Sam to tell H how to ward his hummer."
"He said he already did." Eric hung up. "The dog pouted at him until he shooed it off."
"Did Xander end up on the scene he's on?"
"He came up to tease Calleigh when he found her at lunch since she's bad girl enough for him and likes weapons. Someone decided to drop a body next to her."
"That was nice of them," he said dryly. "I'm sure Xander was amused."
"Calleigh wasn't. But he bought her some chocolate so she was happier." They smirked at each other. That was a very Xander thing to do. Eric was slowly learning about Xander but he could get used to the guy.
Horatio stormed in, glaring at Ryan. "Send the dog back home."
"I can't do that. Tell him to go home. That's all we can do, H."
"You don't know how to get him to go home for good?"
"Ask the younger me?"
"He was giggling. I couldn't get him to stop," he said dryly, starting to scowl now.
"Um, let me call Sam," he muttered, finding his cellphone so he could call him.
The other Xander clone looked over as the dog appeared later that morning. "What are you doing here?" he asked it. He let it sniff his hand, getting a woof of complaint. "What? Horatio being too mean and won't let you eat the hummer again?" he taunted with a smirk. Both Don Flacks stared at him like he was strange. "He likes cars."
"Uh-huh," he said, staring at the dog. "Don't try mine." It came over to get some attention from this kid. "Fine. You're a good boy most of the time. Except when you chew on cars."
The dog lapped his hand, seeming to grin at him.
The older Flack looked at him. "He's mostly a good dog, but now and then...."
"The neighbor called the cops to complain about us again. He kindly teethed on their cars too," Xander said with an evil grin.
Both Flacks shuddered. "That poor department," the younger one said.
The dog looked up and sniffed then disappeared. "Hmm," Xander said. "That's probably not a good sign."
Ray Kowalski, the older one, stared at the dog that had just appeared behind him. "Not exactly backup," he told himself, going back to the bad guy that was trying to shoot him. He took another shot. The dog howled and changed size, making the other guy stare in horror as he dropped his gun. "Good idea!" he shouted. "Now step away from it."
"Don't let it eat me!" he called.
Ray walked out, shrugging. "Not my dog. It just appeared. Not like K-9 can do that." He pulled him over to cuff him. The dog came over to sniff them. "Stop it." The dog growled. He glared. "I'll sic the Mountie on you."
The dog changed back to puppy size, tipping his head to the side. He barked and sniffed the guy then him and wagged his tail, looking happy. He stared. "I have no clue what you are, but thanks." It barked. He patted it on the head, getting lapped. "Good dog. Go find the Mounties. They'll pet'cha." It disappeared. He shrugged. "Whaddo I know," he muttered, walking the guy off once he had his gun in his pocket. He called for someone to come get the guy, leaning him against his car. "Next time, don't shoot back."
"I won't," he said, looking miserable. "I didn't know Chicago had things like that."
"Who knows where it came from." He called the mini-him, since they had finally met and he was less freaked out. "Do you know anything about a dog that slobbers and can get really big?" he said in greeting. He listened. "Ah! That's what that is. Might wanna warn Benny then." He hung up. "Friend of some of the family. He decided you were a putz too." The cruiser pulled up. "Here ya go. Friendly stray dog helped me."
"Friendly?" the guy demanded. "It was going to eat me!"
"It was friendly ta me. Must've been where you're a dick," Ray said, shoving him into the back of the cruiser. He grinned at the guys. "I sent it to the Mounties." They laughed, taking him off to book him once they had his weapon. Ray checked over his pride and joy - his GTO - before getting in and heading back to work. Benny would forgive him and Deifenbaker could use a few new friends, right? Plus, hey, Benny liked strange stuff. He'd love the dog.
The Mountie inside the consulate stared at the dog that had just appeared. "Please don't drool on the floor," he said quietly. The dog rubbed his chin on the nearest rug. "Oh, that's much better. I'll clean that in a moment. Did you have an appointment to see someone?" Deifenbaker, the other Mountie's partner, came out to sniff tails with the dog, getting a happy bark and a lick back. "Ah, I see. You came to see Constable Fraser. He'll be off door guarding duty in about ten minutes for lunch if you'd care to wait." The dogs walked off to play with each other. He shook his head quickly.
His boss came out. "Why are you talking to a dog like it's a human?"
"It just appeared, sir." He smiled at her. "I told it to please not drool on the floor so it wiped its chin on the rug instead. It appeared quite smart, like Deifenbaker is. I'm guessing it came to visit him."
She walked off rubbing her head. Smart dogs, what would the two officers below her do to drive her nuts next?
Fraser walked in, looking around. "Deifenbaker?" he called. Both dogs came out. "Hello, who are you?" He let it sniff him.
"I think it came to see you."
Fraser looked at him. "What makes you think it came to see me?"
"It seems acquainted with Deifenbaker; seemed most happy to wait on you with him, sir."
"Turnbull, eat something before you pass out from lack of food," he said, walking them back to his office. He called Ray. "Ray, do you know anything about a stray dog?" He listened to the story, staring at the dog. "You're not normal?" It changed in time for the Inspector to see it, making her pass out. "I see. Thank you for your help. Did you need some help from Canada?" It sniffed his hat, then shrank and barked, wagging his tail playfully. "Ah, you wanted to play. We can do that out back during lunch." He took the dogs out back, walking over his boss's body. She'd be fine soon enough. He hoped. He wasn't really used to demon dogs.
Xander looked at the dog as it reappeared, smiling because it flopped down in the recliner to take a nap. "Exhausted yourself playing?" he taunted. It woofed tiredly. "Where did you go?" It shrugged a shoulder, letting him see it had a tag attached to the collar. He took it off to read, bursting out laughing. "I'm sure the littler Ray was very happy with the help, dog." He patted him gently. "You rest. You were a good boy. Even the Mountie said so. We'll make sure you have better ID tags tomorrow."
Jon came out of the back, staring at the napping dog. "He's finally back?"
"He spent most of the afternoon with Kowalski's Mountie partner. Apparently he has a half-wolf who's deaf. Our dog went to play with his dog."
Jon shook his head. "Anything else happen?"
"Apparently he helped Ray capture someone and we got told to give him better tags." He handed over the note, going back to his reading.
Jon read it, walking off shaking his head. "The fact you guys can take this as normal is weird."
"Thanks, but just part of the wackiness that is our life," Xander quipped. His uncle stomped in. Jon handed over the note, walking off shaking his head.
Greg read it, then looked at the dog before his nephew. "You're going stranger."
"It's being a parent," he said dryly. "They say that your kids warp you." He grinned. "What's up, Uncle Greg?"
"I didn't want to go home tonight."
"That's cool. Come watch our cable with us. Dean's in the back trying to nag Sammy because he's bored too. Dean, Uncle Greg's bored."
He came out pulling on a jacket. "Thank god, let's hit a bar so I can hustle some pool and pick up a cute chick," he said. "I'll drive."
Greg grinned. "I could get used to you, Dean. You do liven up our lives."
"You can take Junior if you want," Xander offered.
"He and Sammy are doing geek things with dice or something." He shuddered. "Rotting my mind with stupidity if you ask me." He walked out with the doctor. He had an ID saying he was twenty-one. The doc was clearly over twenty-one. "Where's the hotty chicks, Uncle Greg?"
He pointed. "That way by six blocks." The kid drove them off, taking them to the bar. Indeed, there were cute college girls who thought Dean was a bad boy who could tease them and he was an experienced 'daddy' sort who'd spank them the right way. It was a good night to be bored.
Jack O'Neill looked at his new, unwilling, recruits. They were finally out of the infirmary so they were all his team's now. "Since you guys so royally screwed up that even the military has given up on you, you're all ours now," he said, glaring at them. "Since they know that you're morally deprived enough to go hunting kids and torturing innocents who look funny, you'll get to learn better here. We're not much stranger than your original project. Though, if any of you are feeling any nostalgia, I wouldn't. We all consider you scum-sucking little maggot sperm for that."
He stared at the remains of the Initiative again, sneering some. "Thanks to you going after some *children*, you're now on permanent loan to us so maybe your misguided souls would do some good in our war. Congratulations, you're now mine. Though, you're going to start with Doctors Carter and Jackson so you're not still terminally stupid when you cross the gateway." He grimaced. "If they can pound intelligence into you, then maybe you'll be put onto an away team instead of being gate guards or something equally useful here. For now, consider your new name to be Target. Am I clear?"
"Yes, sir," they said, looking away from him.
He and Daniel shared a look before Daniel stepped up to address this new training class. "First, we're going to go over what we do, how we do it, and why we do it. Then we'll go over the various species we've seen before. If one of them looks like something you've tortured in the past, let us know so we can look into that matter." Riley glared. He stared him down until the boy looked away. "For your information, I have been doing this now for longer than any of you have been in the service and I'm an Anthropologist. I'll be damned if you're going to be like you were before if you're going across the gate. I managed to pound Cultural Relativity into the thick-headed Marines. I can hopefully teach you how not to torture, maim, and destroy for the fun factor. First, we'll let Doctor Carter, who is that blonde woman there, teach you how we do what we do."
Sam smirked. "Before any of you get any ideas, I'm on the primary team that goes on away missions. Myself, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c. You'll meet him later for sparring practice because all of you are pitiful if a civilian could take you out with a war hammer. Even a blessed one like he used." She stared at them. "Hopefully you'll at least get to level three hand-to-hand training before your positions are determined but we'll see. I can tell you my level five training hasn't been adequate at times but we all learn more as we go on. For now, we're going to get into physics." She smirked evilly.
"It's what I do." She pulled down the screen with a click of the remote and started the projector attached to her laptop. "I'd suggest you take notes. Flunking any tests means that you stay a gate guard and therefore a target whenever someone comes through that shouldn't." They pulled out their new notebooks and pens to take notes. "Before we begin let me say this. I'm personally offended at your idiocy. My team may have brought us back to the attention of the bad aliens, but you guys screwed up even worse than that."
Riley raised his hand. "Aliens?"
"Yup," Jack agreed happily. "Teal'c?" He walked in. A few of the guys hopped up and reached for weapons they weren't allowed to have yet. "He's an ally, boys and girls. He's the fourth member of our primary team. He's been doing this longer than you guys have been alive. He's been fighting longer than *I've* been alive." They all stared at him. He smirked and nodded. "His people live longer. It's part of the symbiot. We'll get into that later on. For now, you get physics." He looked at Teal'c. "When did you want to beat the crap out of them?"
"Whenever Doctor Carter has had her fill of beating them over the head, O'Neill."
"That works for me," Sam Carter agreed happily. The demon dog appeared, sniffing at Teal'c, giving him a confused look. He stared back.
"Oh, fercryin'outloud, dog! Leave him alone. He's a friendly sort most of the time unless you're evil."
The dog moved closer to sniff again, then wiped drool on his leg and seemed to grin. Teal'c looked at Jack. "He slobbers like a child."
"They do that," Jack agreed.
"I see." He patted the dog on the head, getting attacked by his tongue. "That's disgusting. What were you eating? Rubber?"
"Possibly. I've seen him chew on a car," Jack admitted.
"He's a demon dog," Graham said quietly. "We have no idea what sort of one he is but we know he is one." The dog grew, growling at him. He shifted away. "I wasn't going to go near you. You scare us plenty, poochy."
The dog sniffed then snorted, looking at Teal'c again. "If we could train them to help us in battle, many of our enemies would be appalled," Teal'c said. The dog lapped him again, drooling more. "Especially by the drool."
"I'll see if Mini-Me thinks he can do that," Jack promised, looking smug. "He's their protector, Teal'c."
"I would never harm the children. Children are sacred to us." The dog seemed happier and went back to puppy sized. "You should be at home. You cannot chew on our vehicles here."
Daniel saw it inching toward his laptop. "Do it and I'm going to castrate you, dog," he ordered. It yipped and disappeared. He was still shaking his head when the dog reappeared with two puppies in its mouth, putting them at his feet with a doggy grin. "Are they your puppies?" he asked, looking them over. "They're very sweet looking."
The dog nuzzled one then stared at him.
Teal'c stared. "You want him to train them?" he asked it. "DanielJackson is very smart and a warrior. He is a worthy role model for your offspring." The dog lapped him then disappeared, leaving the puppies there.
"I guess we are getting to see if our enemies would be scared of super dog drool," Sam said with a grin. "Take them to Janet, sir. We'll work on obedience later. Maybe send one to Sheppard to help them out."
"Isn't the Pegasus galaxy strange enough without slobbery demon dogs?" he asked.
"They'd be helpful."
"Maybe. McKay would shit the first time they chewed on a machine though."
"They might like MRE's, sir," she offered with a grin. "They're foul."
"Good point." He picked up the puppies, walking out into his commander's frowning look. "Not like I suggested it. Teal'c did." He held them up. "At least they're not slobbering yet."
He looked at the dogs. "If we can train them they might be useful." Someone in the room screamed. He leaned in. "Did we torture someone? The Geneva convention covers torturing our own people too, Jackson."
"Not me, sir." He pointed. "That one didn't like Captain Finn for some reason."
The general looked at the tiny demon then shook his head. "I don't want to know." He walked off. "Take them to the infirmary so Doctor Frasier can make sure they're healthy, O'Neill. Then you can see if they can be trained to help us. Or Atlantis." He walked off rubbing his forehead.
Jack looked at the puppies. "He's being nice so don't chew on his stuff. Okay?" They both barked. "Good." He walked off. "Hey, Doc?" he called as he walked in. She came out of her office. "The demon dog that's protecting Mini-Me and the others left these two for us to train because Teal'c thinks the Ori and others would run from their super slobber abilities." He put them on the bed. "They're not bad looking poochies."
She gave him an odd look. "They're dogs."
"They're demonic dogs," he corrected with a grin. "Hey, dog?" he called. It reappeared. "Can you show the doctor how big you can get?" It grew and sniffed her hair, nibbing on a bit. He grinned. "It also likes to chew on cars, Doc."
She looked up at the dog. "Cute. You want Jack to train them? They'd be smartasses."
The dog sniffed her chest then lapped her gently before disappearing.
"Huh." She looked at the dogs. "We can definitely check for strange diseases and things," she decided. "Then I think the dog was telling me I needed a bath."
"Or that he thinks you're in heat," he offered dryly. She slapped him on the arm, making him yelp. "Sorry!"
"You're going to be the next time you're sick," she assured him. She carried the dogs off to her office to look them over. Draw some blood, test their drool, the important things. Then she gave them back to Jack. "If they chew on a machine in my infirmary, I'm making them into shoes."
"Yes, ma'am," he said, saluting with a grin. He walked the dogs off, taking them to see if they could be trained in the basics of dog things. They had a few K-9 on base. He had worked with them a few times. The soldiers they passed looked at him oddly. "They're going to be trained for away missions."
"They're cute little suckers," one said dryly. "Who drool a lot."
"They'll get bigger. Trust me," he said dryly. He took them to the gate room, letting them down. "Get used to that scent. That ozone stink means the gate was open." The dogs sniffed around the room, then went to nibble on the ramp to the gateway. "No. No eating the ramp either. We'll feed you guys some guns that don't work or something. Maybe a staff weapon if you like that metal instead." They went where he pointed, sniffing the staff weapon one of the Marines in there was holding.
The Marine gave him a look. "Sir, are they in training?"
"Yup. They're just puppies at the moment." They both grew and sniffed him. "No, don't eat him." One snapped at his stomach and the guy shrieked because his shirt tore. Jack looked at his stomach. "Aww, you found a larva host. Guards!" People came running in to capture him. The dogs shrunk and came over to get petted for the good work. Jack even gave them a gun from one of the Marines. It made them happy to chew on it. The Marine didn't say a thing once he saw what they were doing to it. Yeah, they could help the Stargate program quite a lot. Teal'c deserved a reward for suggesting it.
Xander looked over as Jon walked out talking in his cellphone a few weeks later. "Good news from home?" he asked when he hung up. The look on his face was so adorable he needed a camera.
"Our dog gave the bigger me puppies."
"Awww," Xander said with a shit-eating grin. "They're going to be military demon dogs?"
"Apparently. He said they're doing good. They can already tell the ones we don't like. They slobbered on a supposed ally, making her shriek and demand a shower. Since she sees us like test subjects but most of her people are okay they ignored her. Carter's dad was very tickled by them. They found a bad guy in hiding. They won't chew on our major things that're in special metals. We're sending one to Junior's father when they get older."
Xander smirked. "I'm sure he'll rant a bit but he'll be pleased most of the time."
"One likes to chew on batteries and suck them dry. They'll love their major enemy." He smirked. "How did your demon puppy get to be such a smartass?"
Xander just grinned. "He's my dog."
"Like master like dog then. I'll let Jack and Danny know." He went to tell Junior that story, making him cackle in pleasure. Yeah, his other father was going to be overjoyed to have help up on Atlantis. As long as the dog didn't eat their metal either. It was nice the stargate was bad tasting to them. Even if they did like to drool on a few of the figures and one liked to try to nap on top of the ring.
Rodney McKay looked around as a baying howl started. "What is that noise!" he demanded.
A small, fluffy, slobbering puppy appeared with a note, seeming to grin at him. He dropped the note at his feet then sat down, wagging his tail while the doctor stared at him.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded calmly.
"What was that noise?" Ronon asked, stomping in. He stared at the dog. "What are you?" It came over to sniff, giving him a 'please pet me' begging look. He squatted down to let it sniff him better. "It seems friendly." He spotted the letter, grabbing it. "It says it's for Weir."
Rodney snatched it, walking off with it held between two fingers. "Bring that beast so we can make sure it doesn't need quarantined or something."
He picked it up, trying to duck the tongue. "No, I do not need slobbered on. Slobber on Teyla. She likes cute things." He walked off, petting the little thing. He found the collar, looking at it. "I think it comes from your people."
"How would it?" Sheppard asked when they ran into him in the halls. He stared at the dog. "I know you." It yipped, wiggling closer to sniff him, then lapping his cheek. He groaned but wiped it off. "Did Junior's protective, car eating dog spawn and make you?" It wagged its tail.
Ronon showed him the collar tag. "I think he came from your people."
"Yeah, that's a standard Air Force dog tag." He took the puppy. "No chewing on the equipment, pooch." Rodney came stomping back, still holding the envelope. "The son's family has one of these to protect them. Remember I told you about the car eating one? This is his type."
"That's wonderful but we need our equipment unchewed on. I'll never get it repaired if I have to dig it out of his bowels."
Doctor Elizabeth Weir came down to join them, staring at the dog. "How did you get up here?" It changed in John's arms, becoming bigger. He grunted, putting it down. "That explains nothing, dog."
Rodney handed her the letter. "It came with it."
She opened it, trying to avoid all the wetness. "Thankfully it's in a waterproof envelope." She read it over, then burst out laughing. "General O'Neill trained it to help on away missions. This one likes to chew on batteries and other energy things. It doesn't like the metal that the stargate is made of so most everything should be safe." They smirked at her for that. "But it can tell hosts. It did scare some gou'ald off. It scared a Tok'ra off. Its littermate tried to eat an Ori when they ran into one. Nearly succeeded but Carter felt sorry for it since it was begging for help and not getting answered by anyone." She looked up. "This one is ours since he thinks this one will like Wraith. We will have to watch out for it to nap on top of the gate though."
"That's wonderful," John agreed. "It's still demonic."
"So?" She shrugged. "There's some who say aliens are." She smirked. "Work on his training so he can go with your team. He seems to have adopted McKay." John and Ronon looked over to find McKay staring at the dog that was now napping on his shoes in its smaller form. One paw was around his ankle so he couldn't move. "I'm sure you'll do very good training it, Sheppard. Think of it like a stupid Marine who slobbers. O'Neill said he's very pleased with the one that's going with their team."
"Sure. We'll see if Teyla likes him too."
She smirked. "She might. Oh, he's not fixed. They have no idea if he'll hump something some day or not."
"Good to know," he said dryly. "C'mon, pooch. What's your name?"
"The tag said his name was Slobber," Ronon said. "Up, dog. Come meet the others."
"Yes, go drool on Teyla instead of my boots," Rodney complained. The puppy looked up, giving him a pitiful look. He groaned. "Don't do that. The idiot there gives me that look whenever he runs out of power bars." The dog got up with a stretch, then hopped a few times until John caught him, snuffling him until he petted him. "Thank you. I have to get back to delicate board repairs. I doubt drool will help with that. Come see me later," he said at the pitiful look returning. "I have to be away from wetness."
Teyla walked over to look at the dog. "You are unusual looking." It sniffed her hair, then lapped her cheek. "Thank you, that is very kind." She looked at Ronon, who pointed at John.
"He's like the one that ate the car when I went to see Junior," he said.
"Ah. That explains much." She petted the dog, earning a pleased sounding groan. "Come. We'll let you learn your new environment while McKay works on things that you can't help with." The dog wiggled over until she took him with a groan. "You're quite heavy." It hopped down, wagging his tail as she walked off with him. "Let's start with the infirmary. That way Carson can make sure that drool is nothing suspicious."
"No, they do that," John called after her. He looked at the rest of his team. "I should thank Xander for suggesting this idea," he said dryly. "While I was there, I learned why Loki likes him so very much." He walked off to follow since it was going to be his responsibility to train him. They didn't have any K-9 with them on this mission. It might be handy to have. Even though he was going to make Xander pay for this for *years* to come.
"I thought the other base had insane people," McKay complained as he walked off.
"Maybe Heightmeyer will use petting it and cleaning up after it as stress relief," Ronon offered dryly.
Weir nodded. "Animals are supposed to be stress relieving. She might. Though, the first time it craps somewhere inappropriate, it's a punishment detail to walk it." She walked off to write a complaining email to the general. She wasn't sure if this was a punishment or a new tool, but she didn't really like dogs.
Ronon went to follow Teyla and the dog around. He might as well get used to it and let it get used to him. He found it groaning at Carson's assistant's petting fingers. "We should show it appropriate places to use when it needs to," he noted. "Before it does it somewhere we have to clean up."
"Botany," the assistant said with a smile. "That way they can use it for fertilizer." She let it go. "You're such a good puppy even if you do drool like a Mastiff." It barked and lapped her, then went to sniff something else. "Ah! No chewing on the bed, dog." It came back for more lovin'. "Such a well mannered poochie."
Carson walked in, staring at it. "Is it ill?"
"We're checking on the drool," Teyla told him.
"A lot of big breeds drool," the assistant told her. "Not quite this badly but they do."
"It chews on metal too," Ronon told him. "Like the one Sheppard met on his trip to Earth last time."
"That makes more sense." He took a sample of the drool to test, then got pounced by the dog. "I'm more used to cats," he told it. It didn't seem to care. It wanted to be a lap dog at the moment.
"We have one who would pet you all the time so her patients could," Ronon offered when Carson tried to get free after a few minutes. "We'll show you there and outside." It hopped down to follow him, wiping his drool off on his leg. "Thank you quite a lot," he said dryly. He followed, showing the dog some potted trees outside. It used one then they went to find the base shrink. She squealed when she saw it, trying to hide. "It's not harmful. It only drools and wants petted."
"Bet me! I know what that thing is!" The dog pouted at her. "Don't do that!"
"It's very protective," Teyla told her. "It was sent by General O'Neill to help on missions."
She came over, letting the dog sniff her. It barked and yapped, looking happy. She sighed, sitting down to pet it. "Are you choosing a master?" she asked it. It barked again, looking pleased as it wiped its drool on Ronon again. "Fine, you can belong to their team, dog."
"O'Neill named him Slobber."
"I can see why."
"It scared a gou'ald," he offered.
She looked at the dog. "I don't blame you. Them being down there bothers me too." It yipped and lapped her until she got it off her lap. "None of that. I'm wearing makeup. Or I was before you came in." She patted it again. "We'll let some stressed people pet you if you allow it." It seemed happy. "Good dog. No chewing on the gate or the gliders. We'll find you some wraith metal to chew on, puppy." It barked and looked around then went to explore some more with the humans following it. She sighed, leaning back once she had cleaned off her hands. She didn't know Atlantis could get stranger than it had been but demon dogs were definitely worse. But protective apparently. It might keep McKay out of trouble for a change.
Xander pulled Jon into his room, closing the door for some privacy. "We need to have a serious talk. I realized something earlier."
"That you should be dating boys before your next date kills us all? Because the younger Sam and Dean are still cracking jokes about having to kill your last one, Xander."
"No." He sat on the foot of his bed, looking at the younger guy. "Half of us have very little training in more than basic techniques."
Jon nodded. "True but some of that does carry over. Dean and Sam know enough about assaults to follow along."
"Which is great, but may not be good enough."
"True," he agreed, sitting down in the chair Xander had put in there. "So what's the solution you're seeing?"
"I want you to start working up scenarios to be trained into the others. You have the memories of yourself being in combat and command. I have the memories of someone else who had been in combat and command." Jon gave him an odd look. "Halloween possession, Jon. That's how I do what I do." He smirked. "Your experience is newer and probably more relevant. Dean and Sam's hunter training will help them a lot but we've got to start training the right responses into the team. They need to know what happens if they're attacked and they're with normals, or by themselves, or even with another of you. Some of them still need weapons drills."
"I can see that point and the reasons," he agreed. "What happens if the whole group isn't going to be doing whatever?"
"Then they'll still be backups or a beta team. Right now you have an alpha team, a beta team, and a geek squad for support."
"I can see that but the beta team is pretty small and mostly officer trained."
"I can see you putting my younger clone on that one for hunting skills. That way you don't have all three of us on the same team."
"That I can see since you guys draw chaos to you. So me, the older clone, the son, Dean, and Sam. Beta team is the younger clone, Ryan, Don, Tony, and Ray?" Xander nodded. "They could probably work well together. Flack's trained with CSI so he knows where they don't usually see things. Your younger clone would have the same memories you do and the hunter training in case they ran into something. It'd allow us to split the group to protect the support staff and give us a backup force too."
"If we read the prophecy right, you're going to be Elder God SWAT, Jon. They'll need someone who can think off the wall like I can on the secondary team."
"Good point. You do manage to make some strange plans come true." He considered it. "I can start with the most basic of scenarios but it'd be more like I'd train the guys for gating. Assaults, defense of a group, that stuff."
"Which it sounds like they'll need," Xander agreed. "We need to add in household defense or defense of yourself and those around you if you're attacked in the open."
"Which is something more cops are trained to do than military guys," Jon told him. "I can start working on that with me, Dean, and Flack. You can add input whenever you want of course."
Xander grinned. "Thanks."
"Welcome. Let me get with them so we can go over various scenarios of what we'd train into guys who have to go out and fight." He got up and went to find Dean, finding him reading on his bed. "Xander had a thought."
"Which one and how many bullets will it take to kill his newest date?" he asked dryly, lowering his book when Jon laughed. "What sort of thought?"
"We need to train for the various scenarios that we might run into. You and Sam do good following orders when you have to but neither one of you is comfortable with being in command of an assault team." Dean nodded once at that. "So you, me, Flack, and the original Xander are going to sit down to work on what we might need to be trained to handle."
"That sounds reasonable. I have no idea how real assault teams work. Hunters don't tend to work in teams. Pairs but not teams."
"Good. Get with me after dinner so we have time to get ideas from Flack." He walked off to start making his own list. This was going to be a lot of training. If whichever elder who had the prophecy didn't like it, well they were Harris', he was Jack O'Neill, and the crackhead seer could blow it out their butts. He was sure he and Xander had both made many prophecy-giving higher ups have headaches. One more wasn't going to count against them, right?
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