The Incidences of The Blippy Dohickey 2: New Commands Settling In.

General Ferretti, new general over the SGC, showed up in the labs after hearing the loud request over the intercom system.  "Problems?" he asked.

Botany nodded.  "Quite a lot, General.  These people are doing stupid things that will harm others.  We cannot allow that."

He stared at her.  "Which one are you, dear?" he asked with a smile.  It was always wise to treat the AI's with respect.  Unless they were causing trouble.  Then he treated them like teenagers.

"I am Botany."  She bowed and he bowed back.  "I came to check on things for Doctor Cutler.   She had said her minion was doing something with spore flowers in the open."

"I see.  Spore flowers?" he asked the scientists.  Botany put up a virtual screen to show him the facts on the plant.  He blinked a few times.  "That sounds bad."

"Atlantis had it happen twice on her," Botany said.  "By her records, it discomfited many people, General."

"I can understand why."  He looked at the scientists.  "Okay, your side of it is?"

"I'm not a minion!" she shouted.  "Cutler has been learning bad language skills from McKay!  And it's my lab!  I'm supposed to be looking at the spore plants to see if we can use them to help promote and fund the program."

Ferretti held up a hand.  "Calm down.  Yeah, that sounds like a McKay quote but they were trapped in Pegasus together for a few years."  She huffed.  He smiled.  "Explain to me the safety measures you're taking so you don't accidentally bomb the whole mountain."

"I have it in a case."  She pointed.  "I'm only pulling out a small amount of the sap at a time to see if it can be genetically modified so it'll work in something like a viagra situation."

"I already know the answer to that," Botany said.  She put up that information on the screen.  "Also, you should be aware that anytime you pull out the sap, it does evaporate and it does lead to spores in the air.  That creates a dangerous environment for your coworkers."

"Must we have the AI here?" the junior scientist demanded.

"Yup, because we can't really restrict the AI's when they're being helpful."  He scratched his arm.  "It looks like someone already figured that out."

She looked and snorted then glared at him.  "That's for a sexual lubricant."

"It will do the job, has a low design and production cost, and is quite effective in the limited testing that the laboratory at Torchwood put it through," Botany told her.

"They're gay!  Straight people don't need that sort of thing!"

Botany stared at her.  "According to the internet you have on this planet, many straight couples do need lubricant, even for traditional and procreative vaginal sex."  A few of the other botanists fled with a hot blush.  She smiled.  "Or else there would not be products like KY."  She put up that ad.

"In its many forms.  Or any other brand of sexual lubricant.  It is not simply for receptive anal sex.  Medical journals do state the women do need lubrication, especially as they age or if it has been a long time since their last bout of intercourse.  It is also useful when using condoms to prevent friction."

She smiled.  "Plus, you would not have to weaken the spore down to put into pill format, which would cost nearly four times as much at the lowest estimate.  And beyond that, lubricant can be more fun than taking a pill.  Wouldn't you rather have something that you can simply slick on and then use instead of having to take a pill, wait for it to be effective, then get on with it?"

The botanist glared at Ferretti.  "Make her go back to her lab."

"Her arguments do make sense," he said.  "Botany, how much spore is in the air?"

"It's already reached a fairly responsive rate in this lab.  I have manipulated the air filters so it does not hit in other rooms.  I would not like to see anyone do what they did on Atlantis.  We do not have a pool here or other areas to soak in, or their closet."  She smiled.


"According to Atlantis' files, the IOA demanded that the soldiers in Pegasus quit having genial, non- and procreative relations with the natives.  They instead wished them to buy surrogates and attain release among themselves.  They stored all such things in a closet."

"Jeez," he complained.  "The IOA bought them porn?"

"And other surrogates that are not visual in nature," she assured him.  "Atlantis?"  She showed up out of the same image projector and scowled at the scientist.  "She does know.   Do you still have that closet of surrogates?"

"Yes.  Though they have not decided to refill any of it," she told the general.  "Did you need it here instead?  I sense a lot of uptight and tense people, General."

"Not right now, I'll see if we need it first.  Thanks, ladies.  Botany, can you do something to weed out the spores in here?"

"I do know that the genetically modified ones, which this one isn't, did respond to an anti-spore spray."  She put up the chemical formula.  "I believe Colonel Carter could devise it."

"I'll get her on that.  Can you please send this Botanist the full files on what Torchwood worked out and if they're going to put it into production to fund themselves?"

"No, that was Owen screwing around as he put it," she said happily.  "Torchwood has a fund and is government mandated.  They do not need the excess funds unless they are going to suddenly all shop like Dawn Summers."

"Good to know," he said with a smile.  "Get Owen to give us permission to use that formula of his please."  She nodded, transferring that all to the local computer.  "Atlantis, please make sure the incidents with the spores are locked so that no one, even the president, can get into them."

"They have been.  The Sheppard law said that 'what happens while spored stays while spored' with the exception of the two men who got pregnant after touching a machine in an unused lab."  She smiled.

"I saw that file," he assured them.  "Can one of you have Doctor Carter make the anti-spore spray?"  They nodded and left.  He looked at the huffy botanist.  "Use better safety precautions, Doc, because I don't wanna be spored.  If you wanna be spored, put up a sign-up sheet for testing."  She slumped, nodding.  "We do not need the whole mountain, including NORAD, to go down for sex for a long weekend."

"Yes, General."

"Take better precautions and let me know if we can use that formula.  I know a lot of people who'd like it in that form."  He left her alone, shaking his head all the way back to the office.  He vid-called Sheppard.  "Did anyone on your staff find anything useful to do with those spores?"

"Not really.  Why are you asking?"

"The AI named Botany stopped one of Cutler's junior scientists from exposing a lot of people.  Botany also mentioned a closet you guys have?"

John coughed and nodded.  "That was the IOA's doing, sir.  It's well used though."

"I don't care.  Hide it from me."  Sheppard smiled and nodded.  "Thank you.  Don't expect funding to update it either, Sheppard."

"I won't, sir.  I'll ask McKay to see if anything got put into the computers."

"Please and make him quit calling them minions.  I've heard three huffy people already over that one spreading."

He smirked.  "Well, when you're as smart as him, we're all minions, sir."

"I don't care."

"I'll talk to him.  Do you need any help from Atlantis to weed out those spores?"

"Colonel Carter is going to look at the anti-spore spray."

"Good idea."  He hung up after a quick salute.  He called Rodney in since he was only outside in the gate controls.  "Two things."  Rodney gave him a dirty look.  "First, the general said to quit calling them minions.  He's getting huffy people complaining at him about that word.  I told him it was reasonable but he said to stop it.  Secondly, we have people in the mountain working on the spores to see if they're useful."  Rodney's face went bright red.  "Not tape of what happened.  She was apparently trying to distill one or something.  Find out if any of us have come up with any uses for it."

"I doubt we have.  I know Owen figured something out."

"You can mention that.  Just do a search and find a better term for the stupid ones, Rodney."

"Fine."  He left, going to deal with that search.  Then he'd look up synonyms for 'minion'.


Xander was called for by Cam because he was freaking out.  Xander walked out to where the flash of light had went off, blinding half of everyone.  He stared at the man that appeared.  "Are you the good twin or the evil twin?" he asked dryly.

"The good twin today, Xander," he said with a happy smile.

"Uh-huh.  Then why are you out of your galaxy by so much?"

"I wanted to come check up on you."

"I doubt my mates would like that."

"Are you sure?" he asked, shifting closer.  He touched Xander's cheek.  "I could woo you back."

"And my mates will shoot you," he said with an evil smirk.  "One's behind you right now.  And by the way, this makes you the evil twin."

"Is he really twins?" Evan asked.

"No, MPD."

"Ah."  He zatted the guy.  No effect.  So he did it a second time, that got a yelp.  "Get off my boyfriend."  The man sneered at him but Xander shoved him off.  "Thank you.  I'm a bit overprotective and he's mine."

"Ours," Radek said as he joined them.  "Xander, who is this?"


Radek grimaced.  "I read about you.  The rest of you, leave."  They ran off.  Cam stayed.  Radek looked at him.  "You as well."

"Not a chance."  He was taking film of this for Sheppard and McKay in case they needed them.  Harry the hellhound appeared, growling at the stranger.  "Thank you, Harry."  The two dragons came running and grew, growling as well.

Fostra looked, then smiled.  "Your egg hatched two?"

"The non furry one is mine.  Mira is a friend's dragon.  Harry, don't eat him yet."  He saw his ex look at the hellhound.

"He is clearly not a man eater."

"She clearly eats souls," Xander said dryly.   "I've helped train her in how to eat the bad ones."  Fostra laughed.  Harry lunged.  Fostra tried to get out of the way but the dog pinned him.  Mira growled, leaning down to snarl on him.

"Call them off before I destroy them."

"Fat chance you're going to get to do anything to any pets," Evan said.   He cocked his sidearm.  "Xander, is he bulletproof?"

"Not in the least and I'm not really sure why the zat didn't work.  Maybe Teal'c's staff weapon would be easier?"  He summoned it and armed it, aiming it at his ex.  "You're an awfully long way from home.  Why?"

"Is it unreasonable to want to see you?"

"Yes.  You had to cross seven galaxies.  There's no way this is a casual visit."

"What does that do?"  Xander shot him and he moaned, passing out.

"That," Xander said smugly.  "Cuff him.  Before he wakes up so we can search for hidden gear."  Cam cuffed him and they patted him down.  John beamed in already scowling.  "Mira, back down before he wakes up please."

She sat back, meeping at Armand, who hissed at him.  Harry growled some more too.  "Down," Radek ordered.  "Calvin, come get your mother," he called over the comm.  Calvin Kavanagh came jogging over to get Harry and walk her off to safety.

"Mira, back," John ordered.  "He's more dangerous than the Genii."  She scooted back a few feet.  Armand did too.  "Thank you.  Xander, who is he?"

"An ex.  He was kinda the dictator of his planet and I guess he was missing me."  He handed Cam the staff weapon.   He backed off to pet the dragons and get them calmed down.  "Good pets.  Thank you."  They snuffled him and stared at Radek.

"We were busy all night," he defended.

John snickered.  "That's so cute.  They can tell when you don't cuddle."  He watched Cam do a second pat down.  "Anything?"

"Not that I can find."

Xander stared at them.  "He's dangerous.  Very dangerous.  Even the Doctor underestimated him he's so dangerous."

"We have a cell a gou'ald can't get out of," John said.

"I don't know how he got here."

"Would Harkness have something better?"

"Probably not."  Fostra gasped and sat up, glaring at them.  "I don't care," Xander said dryly.  "You're a threat to my current job and happiness."

"You could come back with me.  That way you don't have to worry about happiness."

Xander stared at him.  "I left because you were about to have me killed for treason because I disobeyed your laws," he said bluntly.  "Hell no."

Fostra stared at him.  "I can forgive that."

Xander snorted.  "I'd start a revolution and end your petty dominant playing around with those people.  I can't *stand* people who hurt others for no reason beyond it gets them off."

"We were good together.  An exciting couple."

Xander snorted.  "I wasn't excited.  I was bored and you're bad in bed."  Fostra glared, trying to grab him.  "Go the fuck home."

"I will not without you."

"You will or your people will rejoice that you're dead."

"You cannot kill me."  He smirked.  "You once loved me."

Xander shook his head.  "No, I was sick and in pain and you were barely tolerated.  So no, not love.  I have love now.  It's nothing like the nausea I felt when you touched me."  Fostra growled and lunged again but Cam stopped him.  "Go.  Home."

"No!  I will not."  Xander stabbed him and he fell to his knees panting.  "How could you!"

"Easily.  You disgust me."  He stared at him.  "I don't find you worthy of making it home.  So therefore you'll be going to our jails.  They're nicer than yours."

John called for MP's to come help.  Teal'c showed up too.  Xander handed back the staff weapon with a small shrug.  "Xander, who is he?" Teal'c asked.

"One of my ex's."

"Ah, back when you dated."  He stared at the being.  "Was he evil or simply demented?"

"He turned a whole, beautiful planet into a shithole semi-theocracy with him as God figure.  He's a bad lover, he's a bad being, he has no ethics, he hurts people for fun.  Hell, the Emperor I slept with was a better person than he is.  He only tortured beings from other places."  He walked over to stand between Radek and Evan.  Radek smiled at him.  "I know."  He smirked at Evan.  "You're pretty handy with that zat," he teased.

"I try now and then."  He looked at the guards.  "A zat didn't phase him but the staff weapon did."

"Good to know, sir.  Can we have him?"

"Hell yes," Xander said firmly.  "Watch him, he's tricky and he's a bastard.  He'll try to talk anyone onto his side.  That's why I ended up sleeping with the asshole."

"Sure, sir, we can deal with that," the MP in charge agreed.  "Teal'c, sir?"  He helped haul him up and they beamed back to the mountain to put him into a strong cell.   He went to tell the general what had happened.  By now he had heard what Xander used to date so he was well aware they were evil.

Xander sighed, leaning on Evan's shoulder.  "That so sucked.  Radek, we need to find how he got here."

"There wasn't anything on him," Evan said.  "So possibly a ship?  Nila, can you scan above the planet for an unknown ship?"  No answer.  "Nila?"  Still no answer.  "Xander?"

"Nila!" he called.  No answer.  "Shit, he did something to her.  I'm going to kill him."  She appeared, looking flustered.  "Did someone bother your programming?"

"No, I was on Atlantis calming her down.  It appears we had a wave beam show up down here."

"Yeah, it was probably my ex," Xander said dryly.  "He's in custody."

"No, it was not here.  It was on her."  John stiffened.  "She is fine," he assured him.  "We do not know what the beam was but we are investigating it."

"Did he mess with any of yours or the dock's systems?" Evan asked her.

She looked up then shook her head.  "He was annoying but did not harm me."  She went back to Atlantis to help her.  John got brought with her.  They had to fix whatever had happened.  She stole Radek too, right out from under Xander's hands.

Xander looked at Evan.  "Go rally the troops to help Rodney if needed," he said quietly.  Evan nodded, walking off.  Xander needed some quality screaming in rage time.

Evan blocked the soldiers from investigating.  "One of his ex's just showed up, guys.  Let him yell," he ordered.

"Sir, one of the evil ones, like another gou'ald?" his second asked.

Evan shook his head.  "Worse.  Dictator.  Almost had Xander killed for being empathic with the people."  That got a nod and they posted a guard so Xander could rant and scream but not hurt himself or others.

An hour later the guard glanced back at the room Xander was in.  It had gotten quiet.  He got Xander a bottle of water, handing it over with a hopeful smile.  "I'm sure we can space gate him, Xander."

Xander nodded.  "I'm hoping that would work to kill him."  He opened the water.  "Thanks."

"Welcome."  He went back to his post since Xander sat down in there.  Xander was too important to risk.  One of the new scientists showed up and looked.  "One of his evil ex's showed up," he said quietly.  "They were the evil dictator sort."

"I guess that's normal.  Botany isn't letting anyone play with a few of the plants without one of the head botanists there?"

"One of the Pegasus plants?" he asked.

"I think so."

"Then it's probably deadly.  Everything else there was.  We had whole teams nearly eaten by the plants there."

She shook her head slowly.  "How could that happen?"

He nodded.  "We had plenty.  It was so bad it caught ships.  There was a huge one like Gomez, one of Xander's plants, Pugsley's father if you've seen him."

"He showed us pictures during our briefing."  She smiled.  "It was adorable."

"It was deadly.  The thing was as big as a strip mall.  It ate a ship."  She moaned.  "Yeah.  Very bad.  You should see the tentacle and dangerous plants that the demented botanist threw on the atoll.   Some of them have poison tentacles."

"I have to introduce them to them," Xander called.  He got up and came out.  "Let's go see what you want to learn about."  He walked her off.  "Thanks, Thomas."

"I'm Henry, sir."

"Sorry, Henry."  He grinned.  "You twins always get me."  Henry giggled and walked off to call his brother on Atlantis to see if they needed more help.  Xander smiled at her.  "I hate it when ex's show up.  They always cause problems."  She nodded she understood.  He took her up to botany, using his pass to get them inside.  "What were you working on?"  She led him to it and he blanched.  "How did that get in here?"

"Is it deadly?"

"Hell yeah.  Um... shit, everyone's on Atlantis.  Botany, did you put a shield over this thing?"

"Yes, Xander."  She appeared.  "I put a very firm shield over this based on the notes Doctor Cutler put into the other system.  Do we need me?  I'm helping Nila with the other AI."

"No, go.  Let me know if you need my help please."  She nodded and left.  Xander looked at the pouting botanist, then decided to call up the file.  He let her read it, and was amused when all the color drained from her face.  "Yeah," he agreed.  "But at least it's not the damn spore plant."  A light hit one in the corner.  Someone had replanted one of the bulbs as a cutting.  Xander checked it over, watered it, then dropped a shield over it too.  "Spore plant," he said with a point.  "It makes you want to find the most fertile and make sure you get pregnant."  She blushed, giggling nervously.  "Seriously!  For days on end."


"Yeah.  We had an attack of the spores twice before.  Everyone got real relaxed but kinda sore."  He pointed.  "Want to work in the vegetable garden with me?  I'll introduce you to the tentacle and deadly ones out there."

"Sure."  She followed him to the atoll, helping him weed while they talked about all the other plants around.  She was highly amused until a sucker tentacle tried to grope.  Then she yelped and Xander had to zat the plant again so he could die up the tentacle.  "I thought you were kidding."

"No, she's a cousin to my Morticia."  He grinned.  "That one can get about ten, twelve feet tall and likes tasty people.  We almost handed out red shirts to the teams going to their places."

She laughed.  "Did they complain?"

"I got sent back to my office to sit in the corner," he said dryly.  "And so did Rodney."  He heard a yell and looked over.  "I'm over here!" he bellowed.  They hadn't yelled his name but he'd probably end up in the middle of it.  Nothing.  "Armand?"  He grew and looked over.  "Do I need to come back and handle the yelling thing?"  Armand looked then meeped and shrank again.  "I think that was a no."  He picked some of the tomatoes and she did some of the corn and lettuce.

They carried them back to the kitchen, earning a happy cook, and went to see what the problem had been.  "I know I've been too busy to geek wrangle," he said dryly when he found two females wrestling on the deck, "but really, people.  This isn't dignified or a pay-per-view event," he said firmly.  The soldiers wandered off.  He hauled one up to stare at her, letting his helper help the other up.  "What did we think we were doing?"

"She stole my research!" that one shouted, pointing at the other.

"It was mine first and you stole it from me, you talentless cow!"

"Children," Xander sighed.  They glared at him.  He glared back and they both shrank down.  "Either find a way to publish complementary papers, publish together, or work this out like big scientists.  We don't need the drama.  We have plenty already."  They pouted.  "Or talk to your original boss so they can decide this.  That way they know who's doing what."

"I got told to update every month," his helper agreed with a smile.  "Doctor Blake would probably help you if you wanted.  You can vid call her from the rec room."

"I have the other systems set up for that, or so I thought," Xander said.

"You do," she said with a grin.  "But that's a shielded line so they don't have to worry about it being intercepted."

"Oh, okay.  Radek said he was going to do that."  He looked at them.  "Pick an option because you just made all the soldiers start taking bets."  They blushed and looked down.  "Decide today, ladies."  They walked off to the rec room.  He smiled at her.  "I need to geek wrangle more often."  She nodded.  "But tonight we have sparring practice."  He walked her off.  "Let's check the other labs, just in case.  It's been too quiet for too long."

"Yes it has.  Usually Eureka would've had an explosion by now," she quipped.

"Don't tell me that," he moaned.  "We don't need that sort of drama either.  Please?"

She laughed.  "We'll try and Fargo's still there."

"I can accept that then."  They walked into Chemistry first.  "Guys, how are we doing?"

"We're doing things you haven't trained on," one said shortly.  "You're keeping us from working on great things."

"Did the ego fairy land?" Xander asked dryly, staring at him.  "Because McKay might still need help later and you know he'll call you names to break it."

"No," he muttered.  "They have that well in hand I heard."

"Fine.  What are we doing, just in general terms?"

"Interrupting us," another one said.  "You're doing a brilliant job of it too."

Xander sneered at him.  The lab shut down.  He smirked.  "Really?"  They groaned.  "What are we doing?  It's my job to keep track of these things, and now that I'm back I need to do that.  That way your bosses get updates too."

"We're working on the synthesis of this plant in relation to human biology," one said.

Xander looked at the plant.  "That's the spore plant.  It makes you want to breed."  He called up the information.  "I can tell you the effects last about four days after the spore's cleared out.  Unless that's a modified one."  He pulled up something else.  "This is something another lab that we're loosely affiliated with came up to do with it."  He looked at him.  "Will that help?"

He read it over.  "That's almost brilliant.  Who engineered that?"

"I've found it a number of places."

"Oh."  He looked at him.  "Is there any other benefits?"

"If you keep the roots on, since that one was crossed with an air vine it looks like, it won't grow alarmingly fast.  You can replant it.  If you cut the roots off it'll take over the whole lab within hours if it's holding true to the air vine's nature."

"What's an air vine?" another one asked.

"That is a plant that will suck the air out of somewhere.  When it runs out of oxygen, it'll stop growing and just decompose things."  He pulled up the information on that on another screen.  "We've used it a few times.  It took over a lab in about nine minutes.  It's only killed by fire.  So do not remove the roots."

He read it, gaping at Xander.  "Where did you find this?"

Xander smiled.  "Before I joined the project's people."  He smirked.  "Will that help?"

"Do the merging of the plants act the same way with others?" the head chemist asked, looking that over.

"Yes.  That's why we had watermelon for *days* during an away mission."

"Well."  He looked at him.  "Is there any of that in botany?"

"No.  All those samples are fully sealed and will not be released from their crystaline entrapment.  We have scans of it, detailed breakdown of the structure, all that, but I can't do more than let you handle the glass box."

"I understand that fully.  Can we crossbreed it with anything else?"

"Yeah, we used to do it all the time.  I did peanuts a lot because we always needed snack food."  He smiled. "Ask Radek when he gets back.  He can authorize that."

"Thank you.  You're not as bad as we had heard."

"From the linguists?" he guessed.  They all nodded.  "They had a bad habit of slacking to the point of pawning off their work on me and Daniel.  I handed it back a lot and Daniel gave them 5K runs for it."

"No, none of us slack," he assured him dryly with a smirk.

"Good."  He turned back on the lab and walked out with his helper.  "Physics should be with Radek."  He checked in engineering/physics but it only had one person.  "Dude, need help?"

"No, Xander," he said quickly, putting his notes aside.  "Thank you anyway."

"Sure."  He walked off and called Calvin Kavanagh to go work in there.  That way whatever suspicious thing could be found sooner.  She gave him a dirty look.  "There's still many classified things."

"I know.  I want to tell others how amazing it is but I know."  Xander nodded. They went to check the other labs, turning a few down to standby unless they were running tests while they were gone.  Then they went back to botany to look over the air vine's files.  She was interested in cross-breeding it for other things.  He pulled up the files from the watermelon experiment so it was easier for her.  That didn't have anything classified in it as far as he knew.


Ferretti walked down to talk to the new prisoner.  He was highly unamused by this one.  "How did he get down here?" he asked the guard.  "Has he said anything beyond moaning that Xander is taken?"

"No, sir.  He's pouting."  He smirked.  "Much like the others of his we've run into."

"I was his only one," Fostra sneered.

"Well, you're not now since he's presently in a good, permanent relationship," Ferretti said with a smile.  "We enjoy and encourage the new one because it is so good for him.  How did you get down here to visit?"

"I do not have to say a word to your sort.  I have killed many of you."

"We can easily return the favor," Ferretti offered with a grin.  "It won't bother us at all."

"General, the fence people just called and said O'Neill is on his way down, sir," the guard said quietly.

"Cool.  I'll let Jack talk to this idiot."

"I am no idiot."

"Clearly you are because you're pissing us off," the guard told him.  "Pissing off Xander makes him design and create weapons for his boyfriends."  He smirked evilly.  "I have no doubt we'll be seeing something totally evil yet oh so very sexy from him soon to calm them down."  He saw a flash and grimaced.  "Doctor McKay?"

"Yes."  He waved a hand.  "No, I'm not yours."  He looked at Ferretti.  "His ship did not cause the beam to hit Atlantis.  That was a satellite by some other species that still appears totally friendly."

"If you're not our McKay, are you an alternate McKay?  I lived through seeing the quantum mirror stuff all too often, Doctor."

"No."  He smirked.  "I'm a temporal McKay, not an alternate McKay."

He was clearly a good mooded McKay and an odd one since he was cracking jokes.  "Then why come back here?"

"Because you still haven't fully stopped the French from blowing up Earth."

"Have I been told about this?"

"I told Landry."

"No one told me.  So I'll let you debrief me in a minute?"  Rodney smirked and nodded.  "How far ahead are you?"

"Fifteen years.  I'm recovering from the kidnaping."  He rolled his eyes.  "I managed to do a last minute stop of them and they were not appreciative and restarted with the even more wrong formula."

"Oh, shit," Ferretti muttered.  "What are they building?"

"ZedPM weapons."

"Hell no!" Ferretti said.  "O'Neill, can't you stop the French?"  He was walking up the hallway.

"They said it's private research and to butt out."  He looked at the tanned, fit McKay.  "Temporal again?"

"Yes.  They're still going to try it.  Thankfully I had Ever to retire to when things got so bad.  Atlantis was even trying to shield me and couldn't."

"Huh.  Can we stop them by taking out the scientists or having them conscripted?" Jack asked.

"UNIT would want a ZedPM as well."

"Yeah but they're not stupid.  They'd like the earth to continue."

Rodney smirked.  "That may help but they're not private research."

"Didn't figure they were.  What's going on with Atlantis?"

"It's a satellite from a seemingly harmless species that we haven't dealt with yet.  So far they haven't made any threatening moves.  They will not like Xander.  They reproduce asexually.  They were aiming at anything high tech to see if it answered.  I'll be figuring it out in a few hours.  After pulling out some more hair."  He sneered at the man in the cell.

"Xander loves them enough to use the machine to make him pregnant," he said in another language.  The man growled.  "You never had his trust or love.  They adore him more than their careers.  More than their lives.  Everything they've worked for they'd give up to be with him.  You wouldn't even miss dinner.  He picked the right one."

The man lunged against the forcefield but it held.  "Your people will rejoice when you're gone.  I'll have to tell the Doctor to tell them."  Rodney switched back to English.  "Space gate him.  He's the Hitler stereotype that captured him."

"I heard that story," Jack admitted, staring at him.  "We sure?"

"I'm positive.  I cannot divulge how but I am positive of it."

"Don't tell me you took his wardrobe," Jack ordered.  "Or made your own."

"No.  You remember those visions he had?" he asked dryly, smirking at him.

"Oh, geez," Jack muttered.  "He made it work?"

"On Atlantis instead of Nila."  He beamed at him.  "By the way, he is a time agent.  His jump band is in his ship, powered it to get here.  That is Harkness' people."

"Got it.  Where is his ship?"

"Cloaked up above Rome.  He remembered Xander talking about Octavian."  He disappeared in a flash of light.

"Visions?" Ferretti asked.

"Bad ones about possible things that're really horrible," the guard assured him.  "It saved us a few times."

"Yes it has," Jack agreed quietly.  "Though that's not to get out."

"Of course not, sir.  People would expect Xander to be some sort of freak instead of the huge ass warrior stud he is.  You know they're badass if they can beat Teal'c sometimes or even Colonel Sheppard, General," he told the new one.

"I'd like to see that sparring match.  I've never heard of anyone beating Teal'c."

Jack nodded.  "Yeah, he can kick ass dozens of ways.  So, we find his ship, we space this puss sucker, and then we stop France.  That's a busy week," he decided, walking off.  "Let me call Torchwood to alert them he's here.  Just in case.  Send Mitchell up to find and board his ship so we can get the band before it's destroyed, and any other information."

"Sure," Ferretti agreed.  "But he's on a trade mission."

Jack smirked.  "Then I'll go."  He beamed out.  He didn't get much chance to fly anymore and Xander did give them that sweet new fighter craft.  That was a good reward for having to fly commercial all the way back from DC to talk about the French.

Ferretti looked at the guard.  "Served with him on the city?"

"Yes, sir."  He smiled.  "He routinely kicked all our asses in sparring practice.  But if we could tag him, we could sure kick a wraith's butt."

"Good.  I'd still like to see that."  He went to arrange that for later on.  It turned out to be the next day but he could accept that.


Jack got beamed into Torchwood's office.  "Hello?" he called.

Owen's head popped up from his medical area.  "We're all out on a call."

"Are you a hologram?" Jack teased with a grin.

"Mostly.  I'm hiding from Dawn's excessive libido again."  He put his head back down.  "What's wrong, General?"

"I need to hand something over to Jack."

"Temporal issue?"

"One of Xander's ex's.  Were you the only non psychotic one?"

"Dam near," Owen said with a smirk.  "Though Dawn is driving me nutters now."

"A good woman will do that to you," Jack agreed.  "My former wife did while we were married."  He heard the crash and Owen winced.  "Problems?"

"Huge demonic rat that keeps trying to get through the manhole.  Nothing we have will kill it and Dawn can't magic the barmy thing."


"Ricocheted," Ianto said as he walked in.  "Problems, General?" he asked with a smile.

"Handing over something to Jack."  He held it up.

"Did he lose his again?" Ianto demanded.  "Did someone else set it off like Xander did?"  Owen snickered.  "It's possible."

"Only for Dawn and others like them."

"No, it belonged to one of Xander's ex's."  Jack smirked at the dirty look that got from Ianto.  "Not your head."  Jack Harkness stomped in looking pissed.  He held up the bracelet.  Jack growled and snatched it, checking it against him.  "Fostra."

Jack gave him an evil smirk.  "Thank you.  Alive?"

"Space gate."

"Even better."  He put it into his jacket pocket.  "Why did he show up?"

"He wanted Xander back."

"Ah, the ex boyfriend reason."  He shook his head.  "We knew he wasn't well wound before.  That proved it.  His ship?"

"I destroyed the thing myself after rescuing the data crystals and the band."

"Thank you."  He smiled and shook his head.  "Would you like Dawn for a bit?"  Owen snickered at that.  "She's being a bit girlish and fussy."

"I'm not sure if we have a lot of stuff to translate or not but we have a few people who want to look at Ever so she could chaperone."

"That's nearly brilliant.  I'll tell her to come see you."

"Not a problem.  Is she in trouble?"

"Oh, just two stalkers," Jack said dryly.  "Who want her for her powerful blood."

"Gotcha.  She'll be safe there."

"I know."  He smiled.  "Thanks."

"Welcome.  I'm in the Mountain."

"I'll send her myself."  Jack nodded and got beamed out.  "Sorry, Owen.  One just managed to open the secondary rift and call a powerful being to this plane.  She's a bit knackered calling Buffy to kill it for her."

"That's fine.  I can always visit."


"Remember to take care of her plants for her," Ianto said.

"Of course.  I can't ignore the green, leafy children, can I?  Xander would have my ass in an extremely painful way."  He got back to his paperwork.  "We need supplies."

"We always do," Jack agreed, going to his office.  Something felt off but that was about usual in Cardiff.  Dawn came in dragging a few minutes later, dropping onto his couch for a nap.  "Yes, rest."  She snored in response.  He smiled at his little girl, letting her sleep it off for now.  He'd surprise her later with her trip.


Xander walked into the gym the next afternoon with a bag on his shoulder.  "Ah, the gang's all here," he said happily.  Jon was stretching.  Teal'c was testing the bantos rods Teyla had brought with her.  Xander smiled at the staring baby.  "You are so adorable," he teased, making him happy.  Teyla's son was adorkable most of the time.  He handed him to Miko since she was there.  "That way you don't have to worry while we're fighting with your mommy."

"I'll make sure he doesn't get too upset," she said with a smile.

Xander winked.  "Cool.  It's been weeks since I sparred."  He handed Teal'c the bag of weapons and took off his shirt.  He stretched, nodding at Cam and John where they conspiring in the corner.  "Even if you two gang up you still won't win," he quipped.

"We know," Cam said with a smirk.  "We're talking about women."

"Never mind."  He finished stretching because a few of the watching soldiers had laughed at that.  He looked at Ronon then at Teyla.  "So, which weapons today?"

"Bantos rods.  Teal'c had learned admirably well," she said with a smile.  "Miko will make sure the son does not fuss too greatly."

"He loves her boots the same way Mira does," Xander agreed, earning a pinch to the arm but a smile.  "He does."

"He does.  He likes to crawl after them."

Teal'c pulled out the weapons they'd need and put them out.  "These."  They came over to pick out their sets.  Teyla had to grab hers.  "Those have a weakness in the handle."

"I know but I'm used to it," she assured him with a smile, getting a nod.  "They are mean but not that badly."

"Leave the spare set out anyway," Xander said.  "In case one of ours gets lost or broken."  He stretched again, swinging the sticks around.  They moved back to the center of the gym.  "Guys, if we move towards you, move," he called.  "We aren't going to be confined to a small space."  They all nodded and shifted further out of the way.  Xander looked at them.  Then at Teal'c.  "So, we start?"

"Start," Cam said, attacking John.

"Free-for-all," Ronon agreed, attacking Xander.  Teal'c and Teyla started but the fighting groups eventually ran into each other and switched off or ganged up for a bit on the others.  Xander got to yelp at one hard hit but Cam paid for it with a new bruise to his stomach and then a good one on his back.  Teal'c was impressed but they were trying to wear him down hard.  Jon fell out first, but that was normal for him.  He was groaning and had to get out of the way before Ronon tripped over him.  Ronon was the next out and then Cam.  Teyla held her own until John gave her an evil smirk and worked her back into range of Teal'c's weapons and she got hit on the shoulder by accident.  She was out after that.  John and Teal'c piled on Xander but Xander was doing good.  He was grinning madly at them.  "It's been too long," Ronon said.  "He's bouncy again."

Xander laughed and attacked Teal'c harder, which let John attack him too.  Teal'c was still holding his own but he was just as sweaty as they were and he was starting to breathe hard.  Finally he bowed out.  John and Xander went at it, all sweaty muscles and a few drops of blood from an open spot.  Finally Xander used a trick he had learned off the slayers to knock John down.  "I win I think."

"Yup, I give," John groaned, letting Xander help him up.  "Teal'c, you're doing very good with this style."

"Thank you.  It is something interesting to learn."  He checked them over.

"We already know," Keller promised from the sidelines with the baby.  She handed him off to his mother and came out to look.  "Colonel, Xander, hit the infirmary to have those cuts healed.  Ronon, you too.  We'll undo the bruises so you're not as sore or unpretty."  She looked Teyla over.  "I'm scanning that shoulder.  Jon's already there, boys.  March."  They sighed but carefully put away their weapons once they were wiped down and followed orders.  With a quick trip for a soda and a candy bar for Xander.  Keller glared at him.  "I heard you missed lunch."

"I was geek wrangling some fighting ones.  They wanted access to some more classified files and got to argue."  Cam looked at him.  "Mostly the botanists."

"We'll see."

"It's on your system to approve or deny."

"Thanks."  He stole the other half of the candy bar to eat.  He needed it after how badly he had done today.  "Usually I last longer."

"Yeah but we kept shoving you and John at Teal'c," Xander said with a grin.

"Indeed and it was a worthy match," Teal'c said.  "Quite stress relieving."  They all nodded.

The general walked in.  "I'm blown away.  I couldn't even hope to get there.  I barely lasted three seconds with Teal'c in the sparring ring, guys.  You went almost a half hour."  They all smiled and nodded.  "You guys can use the gym whenever you want for sparring.  The other guys could use the help and encouragement."

"If we had a gym I could teach in on Nila, I used to help run self-defense," Xander said.

"Yeah, he was the one I sent the stupid ones to," John agreed.  Ronon laughed, nodding he did too.

"I'll see what we can do.  Xander, any problems on Nila?"

"A few soldiers who're new to the program giving me odd looks.  One didn't listen to Evan at all so he made him go weed the tentacle plants on the atoll."  Cam snickered, shaking his head.  "He damn sure will soon."

"I'll make sure all your people know you guys have a pass on don't ask, don't tell, kid."  Xander hugged him.  "Thanks," he said, patting him awkwardly.  Xander let him go.  "I heard you hugged really nice."  He looked at the others.  "Jon, I didn't expect you being able to do that."

"We were with Xander when he had some temper calming down time.  I learned a lot then.  I'm still not great but I'm good enough if I have to be."


"He's a berserker when he's worn out and then seriously injured," Cam said.   Xander nodded.  So did the others.  "So we took a side trip to get some calming down time, though I wasn't aware of it at the time."


"It was after that whole sending Xander to help Cam incident," Xander said.  "How we got back."

"I read that and I wanted to beat the hell out of him for that," Ferretti said.  Xander smiled.  "I'll never do that.  Even if it's absolutely necessary I'd take volunteers."  He looked at Cam, who pointed at Xander.  He looked at him again.  "You don't have to worry about that with me, kid."

"Thanks, Ferretti."

"You're welcome.  You guys calm down, get cleaned up, and then go show off for your people.  I'm sure the ones on the city miss sparring times."

"It got so hot, they made calendars," Ronon said dryly.

"Really?" Ferretti asked.

"Yeah, it was smut relief," John sighed, shaking his head.  "Computer and physical ones.  She had a good eye, but I still nearly spanked her for it."

"Just you guys?"

"No, a male and a female calendar," Teyla said.  "It was most embarrassing."

"I'll look into that to make sure it's not rampant on this base too."  He went to ask Walter.  He knew who had what.  If he didn't, Carter could hack the systems.  "Do we have to stop the underground calendar from Atlantis?"

Walter looked at him.  "It's already viral around the mountain, sir.  I doubt we could."

"The original or is there a new copy?"


"Stop them and I want to see whoever did it, Walter.  We don't appreciate what the guys do for us that way."

"Yes, sir."  He called the psychologist down to talk to him.

"Figures it was a shrink," he muttered.  "She'll probably claim it was stress relief."

"She has," Walter agreed.  He smiled.  "She does have a very good eye."

"I don't care.  If they want to do that, she has to ask permission.  The same as any other calendar like that does."  He went to his office to take an advil.  Hammond never had problems like this.  Why did he?  Must've been Landry's fault.  Or how cut off Atlantis had been.  She walked in with two calendars and he scowled.  She slumped.  "Did we get permission?"

"No, sir," she said weakly.  "They don't mind."

"I'll be making sure."  He held out a hand, taking them to look through.  Nothing too risque but not bad.  Only a few slightly naked pictures.  He glared at her and she sat down.  Yeah, it was going to be a long talk since she was a bit manipulative.


Cam stood up to look around the base-wide meeting in the caf on Nila.  "As of today, the general has stopped the underground calendar movement.  He asks that each of you be responsible and delete your own.  If he catches you handing it to another person then you're in deep.  Also, there have been some requests to get into some of the more classified files. *I* decide on a case-by-case basis.  Xander brings that to me and I look it over."  The scientists all nodded, smiling at that.  "As of right now, I can only release six of the requested thirty files.  A few have incidences that are more classified than not."

"Sir, is some of the worry that we will realize you guys weren't exactly local?" one said dryly.  "We're all smart enough to know that some of the things we see aren't from around here."

"True," he agreed.  "That is one reason."

"The other city being another?" one of the chemists asked.

"Yes, that's another reason.  That's got a higher classification rating."

"Can you black out those mentions for us?" the botanist asked.

"I'm working on that."  She smiled.  He looked at Xander.

"Don't give me that look.  It's not like we wouldn't have seen the tentacle plants somewhere if they were from here."

"True."  He looked at the others.  "I'm working on blanking out mentions."  They all grinned at him for that admission.

"Colonel, there's been some declassification about the mountain's program.  Is the rest coming?"

"We don't want to cause a panic," he said.  "I hope not anytime soon.  People will freak out."

"Especially the other scientists," Radek added.

"True, we're seeing things here that we haven't even really theorized about," one agreed.  "Especially the AI's."  Cam nodded.  "So we're your first step to that?"

"Yup," Cam said with a grin.   "That way you guys publish, our geeks publish, the regular scientists get used to the idea that this stuff exists, then we slide more out so only the fundies freak out."

"What about those Roswell lovers?" Evan joked.

"They're going to go into fits of orgasmic joy," Cam said sarcastically.

"Too late.  They were on the news this morning cooing because someone can hack," Xander said dryly.  "From UNIT."

"Who did that?" Cam asked.

"No clue.  Martha warned me by text message as she was going to beat them to death."

"So the main program is the US's version of UNIT?" one demanded.  He looked at Xander.  "That means that guy who showed up really was the Doctor."  Xander smiled and nodded.  "How did you meet him?"

"Traveling by blippy."  He smirked.  "A lot.  Then again, I dealt with more strange things than this, guys."  He shifted and looked at Cam once his feet were up on a chair.  "So anything come from whoever's yelling in the Mountain?"

"Not that I've heard but I'll check on that soon.  How open did they crack us?"

"About another six inches.  They released more documents about the gou'ald."

"Huh.  In that language?"




"Okay.  We'll see."  He looked around.  "I'll have Sheppard help me block out some things so you guys can have the other files faster."  They all nodded.  "Even if we were fully declassified, some of it you still wouldn't get."  He walked off to call the main base.  Ferretti was growling over the phone line when he asked.  "Sir, how high am I allowed to let our non-program geeks get?"

Ferretti huffed.   "Anything non damaging."

"Some damaging things will come out.  Like the ZPM creating mistakes."

"I get that.  Don't let out anything that will make people flinch."

"So, nothing from Atlantis?"

"Damn.  Um...  Let me talk with O'Neill.  For now, guard Atlantis."

"Yes, sir."  He hung up and declassified a few others for them to get into.  That left half of them they had to do cover-up jobs on.


Xander popped to where the girls were waiting, smiling at them.  "Hi."

"Space?" Buffy demanded.  "You went into space!"

"Other planets, not usually on a ship.  We did fly a few times though."

She stared at him.  "That's so much worse than demons."

"Actually most of them have been human.  The gou'alds seeded this galaxy with people they stole from here."

"Oh."  She stared at him.  "What do you do there?"

"I'm a linguist, I'm a good negotiator, I make first contact and help with contracts."  He shrugged.  "The same thing I did on our team."

"Fine."  She shook her head.  "You do really strange things."

"Yup."  He smirked at Faith.  "Did you tell her?"

"Nope, not allowed yet."

Buffy stared at her.  "So you did the same sort of thing?"


"Damn it, I should let them take me to do it instead of all the demons.  Wanna switch, Faith?"

"Only if I have my team at my back.  I learned the value of teamwork *real* fast."  She looked at Xander's neck.  He pulled out the full necklace.  "I was hoping you were your usual paranoid self."

"Yup.  Because we're on the hellmouth in Cleveland.  There's no telling what's warped from it being Cleveland."  Buffy snickered, shaking her head.  "Well it might."

"Anything's possible.  As long as we don't get a Drew Carey vampire."  They walked off together.  "So, any hotties?"

"They made calendars of the hotties for the underground," Faith said dryly.  "Male and female."

"You were supposed to toss those out," Xander said dryly.

"I did," she said, winking at Buffy.  Who smirked back.

"I don't care, you know that.  Rodney might."

"Maybe."  They staked a few vampires rushing their way and moved on.  "How's the city?"

"Ever's good.  We spent some time there last night."

"I meant Nila."

"She's wonderful.  Our accessory geeks are doing really good.  They're not fussing at the stuff that's still classified."  Buffy gave him an odd look.  "Yeah, it's still about half classified."

"Worse or better?" she asked.

"Way worse," Faith assured her.  "The main creep in the classified stuff ain't human so we can have it.  I reacted to just some blood of the thing, B."

"They hate Armand though," Xander quipped.

"I'd hug him for that but he might snuggle and try to keep me again," she quipped.  They all stared at the flash of light that went off.  "Ronon."  She smiled at him.  "Bored?"

"Yes.  It was help you patrol or play with Teyla's son."  He looked at Xander.  "Is this your other friend?"

"This is Buffy.  She's the other slayer."

He shook her hand with a smile.  "Faith has told us much about you."  He walked beside Faith, looking around.  "Much too quiet."

"Yup," she agreed.  "We've already seen some vamps."  She handed him her spare stake.  They walked off.

Buffy tipped her head.  "I'm jealous of her," she sighed.  "She hit the man olympics gold medal."

Xander smiled.  "He's a nice, sweet guy too," he assured her.  "He lost his wife and whole planet when they were killed."  She looked at him.  "By that other classified thing."


"Yeah."  He walked her off.  "They're good together.   She teases him all the time."

"She still hasn't wanted to pack me like your dragon did," Ronon quipped with an evil smirk at him.

"If I could pack you to carry around all day, I'd definitely have you in my pocket," Faith assured him, making him cackle at that dirty thought.

Buffy sighed.  "Ronon, do you have any friends you can introduce me to?"

"A few but they're all soldiers."

She waved a hand around.  "That means they'd understand all this."

"True.  I'll ask."  She grinned and they kept going.  Ronon wasn't used to staking but he got the hang pretty quickly.  It let him bruise and break as many vampires as he wanted.  Then he pinned Faith against a tree to kiss her.

"We'll keep going," Buffy said, walking Xander off.

"They do make a good couple," Xander said happily.  "I'm glad they're helping each other."

"He seems really nice."

"He is, even if it does carry a lot of weapons and grunt a lot sometimes."

She shrugged.  "Still got a nice ass."

Xander snickered.  "There's more to him than his nice ass."

"So you looked?"

"I spar with him every few days."

"Oooh.  I want to watch that."

"We have tape of a few of them somewhere."

"Good."  They got a few more vamps and it was like old times.  Only without it being so small of a town.  And no Mocha Pump to stop at for refueling.  They had to settle for Starbucks.

The End.


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