The Incidences of The Blippy Dohickey 17: You Can't Return It.
Xander looked up from his Rodney-given torture when someone whistled. "Yes, I am that cute," he quipped.
Evan smirked. "Not why I whistled. Woolsey was drugged. Keller found indications of it and he's horrified. They've knocked him under hypnosis to find it and counter it they hope. Also, O'Neill called Landry." He handed Rodney something. "As long as she's peaceful, isn't poisonous or anything, you can keep her. Even if someone claims an allergy like they tried to do with Armand and then they'd have to prove it to make the complaint." Rodney beamed and the furry one bleeted at him. "Hi, sweetheart. I'm Evan." He let her sniff him and she nuzzled him then went back to sucking up to the daddy.
"She can probably smell food on you," Xander told him.
"You don't want a power bar, do you?" he asked, breaking off a piece of one to hand her. She nibbled and bleeted for more so he fed her the rest in little pieces.
"I still don't see how you can eat those," Xander complained, going back to his torture.
"He likes MRE's too," Evan told him.
"Eww! That's disgusting."
"They are not," Rodney told him. He smiled at his pet. "You'll learn to like them too I'm sure."
"If she's anything like Armand, nothing but trees and metal is going to faze her," Evan quipped. He came over, looking at the book. "Chemistry?" Xander groaned and nodded, giving him a pathetic look.
"You can't save him until dinner time," Rodney ordered.
"Fine, I'll come save you then." He smirked and walked out. He went back to the control area since he was military head with Sheppard off base. So he was there when he finally got in. "Welcome back."
"It was a good day off," he said with a grin. "No big disasters happened, right? Please tell me no even if they did."
"Few things, one good, one strange which might be bad sometime. Xander's back."
"Is that the good or the strange?" he asked with a smirk.
"I'm not like that!" Xander yelled from the hallway "Mean shit!" He kept on his way to the caf.
"Okay," John sighed.
"Sir, with the day and the fit Woolsey threw at him, go apologize," Evan said firmly. "Now."
"Okay," he sighed, holding up his hands. "So I take it today was complicated?"
"No. Xander, Radek, Rodney, and Faith had to talk to his coven. Rodney came back with a pet. Woolsey's under the influence of drugs and suggestions that made him attack them."
"We're working on it. Please, before he stays in hurt mode?"
"I am. I know he's not like that." He walked to the caf. This time of day, that's where they'd be. He found them and stared at Xander. "I did not mean it that way, Xander. It was a joke. I came back in a good, goofy mood." The boy still looked miserable. "Hey, I know you're not like that. You know that about me, right?" Xander shrugged. He gave him a pat on the head. "I know none of the strange stuff is your fault. It's from where you were born and most of the time you don't cause it, it just happens around you. I know that." Xander looked up at him. "Who else said shit to get you this upset?"
"We had to talk to his coven earlier because they were screwing with him, and then Woolsey told him he was too much trouble," Faith told him.
"Well, he's wrong. Xander knows I value him as a team member and as a friend. Even if I do tease him now and then." He looked at Xander, who shrugged. "Now, I heard rumors about a new pet?"
Rodney coughed and pointed. She was lounging on the railing, nose-to-nose with Armand. "I haven't named her yet."
"She's a furry one." He moved over to sit in the chair next to them, looking her over. "Flying?"
"She doesn't seem to have great mid-distance sight yet. Very close or very far," Xander told him.
"Wonderful." He held up a finger. "I'm John. I work with Rodney. Will you like me like Armand does?" Armand meeped and he petted him, earning a happy look and tail wave. She yawned and snuggled back into the sun but didn't protest when he stroked a hand down her back or petted her ears. "She's adorable, Rodney. What're you going to name her?"
"I don't know yet. She hatched when she wasn't expected to and climbed up me."
"I know you missed your cat." He petted her some more. "Very soft. Even softer than deer fur, but about the same texture and length." He grinned at the table. "She good with everyone?"
"O'Neill got them both permission," Radek assured him. "Armand is legally safe as well now."
"Good." He looked at them. "What does she eat? And what species is she?"
"Atlantis called her a sabra," Xander told him. "And said she'd eat like Armand. Rodney fed her power bars."
"We'll feed her good food tonight," John said.
"Not from here we're not," Xander said, shoving his tray away.
John looked and grimaced. "Not good."
"We suggested an off-base farm," Radek said.
"I like that idea," he agreed. "On the mainland or somewhere else?"
"Debating it," Rodney said, stuffing his mouth again. His baby lifted her head and sniffed then grimaced and laid back down.
Dawn stomped in. "Xander, dinner, us? Faith, coming? Awww!" she cooed. The new baby's head popped up and looked around. "Who's the tiny, cute thing then!" she squealed, coming over. "Aww, you're so adorable!" The thing sniffed her. "Whose?"
"Mine," Rodney said. "Quit squealing before I go deaf. This is Dawn," he told it. She got sniffed and the thing crawled up her to sniff at her chest. "Hmm, I thought you were female."
"She smells my egg," Dawn said, pulling it out to let her sniff it. The beast nosed it then nuzzled her. "Aww, thank you. I'm hoping it'll be just as pretty as you are, sweetie."
Xander took the egg to look at. "Cracking." She squealed and sat down, the dragons coming over to look. She let Xander hand it back to her, petting the shell in her hand. She tapped the crack a few times. "Don't."
"Sorry." It came open in her hand a few minutes later. Both of the dragons nosed it in greeting. "What are you, lovie?" It uncurled and blinked up at her, making her fall in love even though it did look like a snake. "Awwww."
Xander looked. "Hmm. A winged snake." It looked at him. "I'm Xander. She's my pack." It sniffed him using his tongue then slithered up Dawn's arm to her neck and settled there. "Cool."
"Very cool. I need to tell Mommy and Buffy." Xander sighed but handed over his phone. "I'll tell Ianto too. He won't tell Gwen so she can freak out." She walked off. "Xander, dinner, Nila. Faith, you can join us too."
"Coming," Xander said. "Armand?" He nosed her. "Sure, you can help Rodney with her for now. Come see me tonight?" Armand roared and leapt to nuzzle him. "I know, she's like a sister to you. Your pack." She nuzzled him too so he smiled and petted her. "Good job." She went to climb on her daddy again. Armand leapt at Jon, who caught him barely and let himself be cuddled. Xander got up. "Jon, remember to tell us if that gets out."
"I am, Xander. Quit fussing and go eat with your pack."
"Fine." He smirked. "Not that you're not my pack too, O'Neill." He strolled out there. Dawn had made *real* food, not toxic sludge pretending to be food. It was great of her. He loved her for that.
Rodney smiled and let his pet sniff the food and turn her nose up at it. "I agree. Let's get some fruit." Someone brought some over to suck up to her. She let him worship her, as was her right, then ate and made him go away. Like the daddy would. She was so his!
John was smirking at him. "She's a little sister?" he guessed.
"Perhaps. Jeannie would love her."
"You can email her about it but you've got to pick a name."
"I'm doing that tonight." He finished his sludge and got up to get something he could actually digest instead of crap out later. She nosed something so he got that too. So what if it was the last banana. She nosed at something and he pulled away. "No, I can't have that. It'll kill me." Armand hissed at it so she hissed at it. He smiled. "Exactly. That's bad around me." She nuzzled him and they walked off. She hissed back at it but that was fine.
John smiled at Jon. "Cute."
"Very cute. Good of her though. Maybe it'll help keep him out of citrus stuff. Is that a fake one?" he called.
"Yes," the lunch lady called back. "Of course it is. I don't like pets in here."
"Oh well," John called back. She grimaced but stomped off. "I guess we're in for another week of that stuff," he said with a grimace at the tray.
"Apparently," Jon agreed. He let Armand nuzzle John. "Listen, Xander pulled out a clone-be-gone vial for them to test," he said quietly. "We told Keller, we're telling you in case."
"Got it. From where?"
"No idea," he admitted.
"Huh. The thing with Woolsey?"
"No clue. I was with Jack on Nila."
"Okay, I'll figure it out." He went back to his own toxic plate and sighed, taking it to the General. Something really had to be done. He was with the shrink helping Woolsey so he waved him out, handing it to him.
"There's no way in hell I'm eating that, Sheppard."
Keller came out and grimaced. "I've had a few people who're starting to lose weight, sir," she said. "I can't make them eat that. I gave them extra power bars and MRE's. They ate those instead."
"That's sad," he decided, tossing it out. "I'll figure that part out too. Xander?"
"Good. Any names yet?"
"Fine. Let me know." He went back in there.
John looked at Keller. "And?"
"Let me know."
"I will. We'll meet later."
"Fine." He left, going to see if Dawn made extra. He had been having such a good day too! Dawn and Xander were talking and she was giving his bracelet a coveting look. "Xander, I will pay you to go get us real food. Even just salad stuff. Please?"
Xander smiled and pointed. "You mean that stuff? I taught Dawn how to teleport."
He looked and moaned in pleasure. "I love you like a little brother, Xander." He gave him a short, quick, manly hug and called Marines to come get the bags. He took some things for himself and went to his quarters to make his own dinner. This made the day better. And hey, he wouldn't have to deal with Woolsey's issues really since O'Neill was there. So yeah, happy day with a salad at the end.
Xander appeared next to Jack in his office, Dawn appearing a second later. "That's a neat trick," Jack said, smirking at her. "Welcome back, princess."
"It's good to see my loyal subjects who get it on in front of my perverted mind," she said with a beaming grin. "Come meet Clover."
He got up and came over, staring at the thing. "Your egg hatched that?"
"Yeah, he hatched the same day Rodney got his."
"His is a furry dragon," Xander said, letting Armand out of his pack. Armand roared and bounded out to cuddle Ianto, making him laugh and hug him. "Dawn's back."
"I figured she was." He came in and looked at her. "Interesting jewelry."
"This is Clover. Clover, this is Jack and that's Ianto," she said, pointing at each. The winged snake sniffed each and let them pet him. She smiled. "Can I come back?"
"Sure," Jack agreed. "Xander blew up most of the problem."
"I heard." She kissed him on the cheek. "So can I show Clover around?"
"Go ahead," Jack agreed with a smirk for her devious look. He petted Armand, waiting on the scream.
"What the bloody hell is that!" Gwen shouted and came running. "Weapon! You have my gun!" she complained, searching for it.
"Clover is her pet," Xander said firmly, staring at her. "If you touch Clover, she'll turn you into a chowchow for Ianto." She stared at him. "By the way, nice hacking job, Gwen. Thankfully my people caught it in time."
"She's not human!" she said firmly but quietly.
"She is human. She simply used to be energy," he said firmly. "Energy that people fought and died over." She flinched back. "Energy that drew a hell goddess onto this plane to capture and try to use it. So blow it out your ass and leave Dawn alone. Because I am not as nice as Jack. Really."
"He's not. The Doctor called him his favorite asshole more than once," Jack agreed.
Xander smiled. "That too."
"That was the most common name though."
"Yeah, I know." He stared Gwen down, making her flinch away. "I have fought and nearly died for this world. I have been in battles for this world, Gwen. I have the patience of a hyena on a hunt. Am I clear?"
"Human now, yes." He grabbed her and took her with him to Sunnydale. It was dark there since it was mid afternoon in Cardiff. He gave her a shove after handing her a stake. Then he walked off. "Dawn and I did this for years, as well as her sister and our friends. Now perhaps you'll learn." He hopped up on top of an above-ground coffin vault like you saw in New Orleans. It wasn't long. The demons could smell him and newbies. "Hmm." He tossed something at her feet. "The green one needs that. You can stake the others."
"Excuse me?" she demanded, picking up the dagger. Something rushed at her and she reached for her gun but didn't have it.
"I'd stake that. It's starving," Xander called.
She stabbed it but it didn't work.
"In the heart," Xander called helpfully. She got it this time. She panted and another one showed up to sniff around her. Then she got attacked and it was bad. She was nearly crying.
Buffy walked up to him. "What's up?" she asked, shooting a few with a crossbow. "Too uneven of odds."
"That's Gwen. She works with Dawnie."
"She told me about her."
"She thinks Dawn's not human."
"Bullsnot. She's very human. Mom said so when she showed she was able to shop like a Summers woman." She walked over, taking the stake and getting the others. She got the one that needed steel with the hairpin she was wearing. "Hi, I'm Buffy. Big sister to Dawn." She smirked. "Welcome to the supernatural. I'm the slayer."
"Um... How?" she asked.
"Mystically chosen female warrior. That's why they made Dawn my sister." She looked over. "Xander, what is Clover?"
"Black winged snake. White stripe over his head from ear to ear."
"Giles said they're mythical bad things."
"It's very protective of Dawn. Dawn is his mommy."
"Bonded to her like Armand is to me."
"Can you tell him that?"
"I did tell him that." He gave her a look. "We popped in for a second and he had an 'oh bloody hell' fit, followed by some glasses cleaning, and then nearly passed out when Clover let himself be petted by him but didn't ask for a sacrifice of more than the bagel he was eating. He decided he must be Ethan turned into a beast."
"Where is Armand?"
"She's going to send him back since I'm here. Doctor McKay got a furry version of Armand so he's been helping him by nuzzling the baby and making sure she eats."
"Aww. Baby dragon love?"
"She's a girl." He grinned. "Armand likes to curl around her and stuff too." He smiled and waved at one thing. "Hi, Spike. Dawn's back."
"I'll go over sometime soon." He looked at Gwen then at Xander. "Wussely called from LA. He said that order was in for you."
"We have had the *grossest* food recently. I mean, even the lunch lady that wanted to kill us all fixed better food than that sludge. Even the planet of sludge geysers was better than that stuff."
"Eww," Buffy said. "Jack showed us pictures of Willow in one."
Xander smiled. "I wanted to bring a lot down here and open a spa." He heard a familiar whoosing and looked over as a police call box appeared. "Hi, Doctor."
"Xander," he said, getting out and coming over. "Gwen. Buffy. Agent Hart?" He got a very confused look.
"No, spawn of," Xander said, hopping down to get a hug. "Did you come to recharge?"
"I did indeed and saw her. Jack said that you had taken her to show her why Dawn was human."
Xander pointed at the remains. "They're not human." She burst out crying. "Hmm. Spike, is she...." He waved a hand.
"Up the duff? Yeah." He took out a cigarette to light and puff with a sigh. "Pity the sprout."
"She'll go into cooing overdrive," Buffy assured him.
Xander smiled at the Doctor. "I did as ordered."
"Good. I like it when you follow orders. I got told there was a certain thing that went off?"
"Disgusting of them."
"Painless," Xander offered.
"Very. Quite nice of you."
"They were coming after the program. No one saw."
"Even better." He smiled at him. "Did I hear you making evil plans?"
"Maybe going to the planet of sludge geysers and bringing some back for a spa? Maybe that crystal syrup stuff too?"
"No," he said with a smile. "No bloody way, Xander."
"Damn. It'd give Dawn a good shopping budget."
"Speaking of, I was looking for you. Why do I have a closet with your name on it?"
"Ummm.... With Nine, drunken celebration on Abraxis and Seleta? Um....something like New Year's and Beltane together?"
He thought back. "I don't remember that," he said.
"Yeah, we were kinda...drunk. Beyond drunk. I think you nearly regenerated you were so drunk but then you puked up the alcohol and went back to it."
"Oh, well I do remember that sensation." He considered it, shaking his head. "What did you get?"
"I don't know but I have to pick up some stuff in LA to bring back to the base. We have gross, disgusting food."
"Worse than the slugs?"
"So much worse than the coffee-flavored slugs."
Buffy gagged. "Eww." She walked off with Spike.
"So you're off to grocery shop?" the doctor asked with a smirk.
"I've got some stuff waiting for me in LA. Dawn knows to make Ianto take her to get some more stuff to bring up for a minute. Did you see Clover?"
"I did. He's very sweet and highly protective of her." He smiled. "Come on then, before you wear out your bracelet."
Xander beamed and pointed at Gwen. "Buffy?"
"I'll call Dawn," she called. Jack appeared and took off with her. "That's handy."
"Non magical too," Xander called. He walked with the Doctor back to the tardis. "So, how is the new one?"
"She's back with her sister for a bit. Her sister's getting married. Can't really stand either one. They're a bit mealy minded."
"I still say you should bring Rodney with you."
"No because he'd ask questions about everything technological. I can't have that."
"I know." He grinned as they shut the door, giving him a hug. "Just make sure I get back there by tonight."
"I think I can arrange that," he said with a grin. "Naughty padawan."
"Well, yeah, what else did you expect since I cut off the hair?"
"Hmm, I do almost miss the middle ages hair you had. Nice handhold for when you were getting into trouble."
"Did you bring us away from that silver, star shaped plant more than once?" The Doctor stared at him. "They found some and the botanists were looking it over. Got the whole damn base, Doc."
"Oh, god, that must've been a mess."
"I got to give out food and stuff between things. We even had an attack so I got to have sex during it while we fought it."
"You're amazing, Xander. Never change." He got them started, picking up the stuff from LA, and then they were off to do a bit of naughty exploring while Xander got his things out of his room. The tardis had made him his own room. With a huge bed. It was really unfair to his new companions. Though she did let Jack use it. And his sex toys. And even his clothes. Jack had looked wonderful in those special camo pants of his. Xander came out wearing less and with his hair messy, earning a smirk. "You really are naughty today."
"Yup. It's been days." He strolled over to cuddle him, sliding a hand down his stomach. "You haven't been eating."
"I have so."
"You have not." They smiled at each other because this was a familiar argument. "Want me to make you lunch?"
"If you wouldn't mind." Xander strolled off and the Doctor let them go wherever for a few hours. He did like how Xander made him happier. It was almost better than Jack sometimes.
Xander walked out of the police box and looked around then stuck his radio in. "Evan, come get this stuff if you want to eat," he called. "Now."
John came jogging out. "We thought you had abandoned us."
"Isn't it the same day I took Dawn home?"
"Yeah. But it's been hours."
Xander smiled. "I had to stop and get things for the botanists to use." John hugged him and went inside. "How's my office?"
"Just the same, Xander. Your bedroom too. Evan's up there on downtime since he nearly kicked one of the new kids."
"They deserve it?"
"Yup, so I gave him a day off playing your game system. Hi, Doctor."
"Colonel Sheppard. Wonderful to see you again. I swear, he shops like a girl sometimes." Xander smirked at him. "Though, you're right, those pink snoballs were wonderful." Xander beamed. "I still miss the hair though."
"We'll see." They got the things out of there and Xander got his bedroom's stuff. Well, most of it. He knew Jack liked some of it. And so did the Doctor. He walked that out too, stopping to grab a bag but the doctor took it back. "You said I could give that to Rodney."
"I also said I wanted to talk to him about it first."
"I'll get him down here," John promised. "Xander, this green plant is for botany?"
"That's an aloe plant, John. The purple things? They're constantly self producing. It was a failed experiment since it won't stop. The guy let me buy both from him. They taste like a cross between eggplant and broccoli."
"Cool. We can try that. McKay to the pier to talk to Xander."
Rodney came out with both dragons, letting them both cuddle the Doctor and Xander. "What is that?" he asked.
"Later," Xander called. He dropped his stuff outside. "Mine and only mine but I might share the sex toys." John gave him a dirty look but got Evan down to carry them up for him. He took Armand to cuddle, making him a happy dragon. "Did you have fun today?" He shut the door and sat down next to the Doctor, getting a hug from him and they settled in to talk about the thing in the bag. Which would destroy the wraith. It was something Xander had spotted and worked on but it was so far over the line of 'too far from the current timeline' that he wasn't sure. Rodney made valid points and was a bit officious but that was Rodney. The Doctor ended up deciding to leave it with him, to be used at Xander's discretion since he had made it. Rodney nodded he understood and it was fine. They could handle that. He let Xander go with one last hug for him and the dragon.
"Next apocalypse, you call me," Xander said, staring at him.
"If I can."
"Remember, I can get there."
"I know." He stroked his cheek. "So, human life, then cabin?"
"Yup. Oh, Nila's here."
"That's wonderful." He walked out to look her over with him. He spotted something. "Xander?"
Xander looked then sighed. "I had a vision and called to stop him. Rodney!" He came jogging back and he pointed. "Didn't we stop him?"
"I thought I had," he complained, coming over to make sure it did not and would not work. "We thought we had stopped him."
"Because I knew you'd find out and beat me even though I had nothing to do with it," Xander said. "Especially since I don't know how to fly one of those. I did not want to see your face if you saw a small city in the time stream."
"If he should I'll get him, because I know there's people around here who probably could by fusing some of the city's technology and their own strange brand." He looked over it. "It's not very powerful. You'd get stranded a lot. It also looks like the center crystal is cracked so you'd probably end up in another reality." Rodney gave him a horrified look and found something, swearing as he disconnected it. "Bad?"
"Alternate reality engine," he said, holding it up.
"Thank you, I think that's dangerous," the Doctor said, snatching it to look over.
Rodney looked up. "The me in another reality made it. I had to fix it to save us. I had it stored in a safe."
"Charming. Thankfully this you has more sense."
"Yes I do." He finished destroying the engine and sighed, standing up. Mira meeped at him. "Yes, that was a good job to break it," he told her.
The Doctor smiled at Armand meeping back at her. "I do love the pets." He kissed Xander on the forehead, staring at him. "If he does break it, call."
"If I can," Xander said dryly. "Sometimes you're a hard guy to get hold of."
"Well, yes. Especially around some supernovas." He shrugged. "Let me get her going again." Faith came in and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Hello, Faith."
"Hi, Doc." She smiled at him. "Did you see Mira?"
"I did and she's quite lovely." He smiled at her. "Have you been doing all right?" He walked them back out. The AI came out to stare at him. "Hello there. I'm the Doctor."
"I have you in our database, Doctor. You are most welcome on both of us." She smiled. "It is good that Xander and Faith are close to you. You must have helped Xander immensely when he was alone, as I was."
"I did. Jack as well."
"I have him in our records as well. Very nice man who flirts." She smiled at them. "Thank you for saving Xander so he could save me."
"It's no problem. People like you and him should be saved." She beamed and faded out. He looked at Xander. "You're turning into a young me."
"No accent and I'm from the south, not the north. But maybe some year."
"Hmm. Perhaps," he agreed with a smirk. Xander smirked back. "Behave. Before I spank."
"Again?" Faith teased.
He laughed. "You have no idea." He heard a groan from his box and looked. "What the hell," he muttered, walking that way. Rodney followed with Mira. Faith came too. She had been in there before. She could help because he said she was a good mechanic's assistant. "What did you do?" he asked the engine.
Xander looked. "It looks like... Hey, Rodney, can we have that blue crystal?" He went to get it and brought it back. "Will that work?"
He looked it over. "Yes it will. I never burn those out."
"Well, maybe she wants to stay," Xander said with a shrug. "Faith said she liked her too."
"True." He and Rodney got it installed and she took off. "Now see here," he complained, staring at it. "You're not supposed to do it on your own!" He went to find his mallet. This really would take some banging to fix.
Outside, John watched it fade, sighing in displeasure. "That's going to suck. Radek, you're in charge of the scientists. The Tardis took off with the three of them in there."
"Oh, dear," he sighed. "Xander told me she was alive and like Atlantis."
"I think this is her idea of making the Doctor happier," John said. "He did look very pleased to see Faith too." The tardis reappeared and Rodney walked out with Mira, who was cooing back at them.
Xander came out with longer hair, shaking his head. "Christmas, Obi."
"Yes, padawan." Faith snickered and got a hug and a kiss. Jack walked out as well. He looked at John. "I don't know. She decided I was moping I suppose."
"You're welcome here whenever you want, Doctor. Especially since you saved Xander and he's saved us a number of times."
He smiled. "He's rather like that. You should see him joust." Xander blushed. "I meant on a horse, not like where Faith got you and Jack into, young man." He took another hug from them. Armand came out with something. "Yes, please, all of you get the things. I feel like a storage bin sometimes."
Xander smirked at him. "Not like you don't enjoy some of them."
"Well, yes, I did. Especially those grapes. Tell me you left them there?"
"Hell no. There's some growing in your garden." He smirked. "I should take a cutting."
Jack popped him on the back of the head. "No way in hell. Those are worse than the damn plants." Xander squealed and went to save his plants. He sighed, looking at the Doctor. "He's so young."
"He's older than we both are combined."
"He's still so young."
"It's good to see him that age."
"Yeah, it is. It's damn good to see him that age," he agreed.
"He was too adult even way back when, guys." Xander came out with a few more trunks and one really strange looking box. "The garden?" she guessed.
"Nope. Though I do need to get those." He went back for those. "The strange one is your boots, Faith."
"Cool." She took that one. She checked the others, handing Jack one. The other was hers. Xander came out with a bag. That was all, a bag. "Plants?"
"And my stuff." He gave the Doctor another hug, under his trenchcoat and all. "You call."
"I'll call," he promised with a smile. "You or Jack. Now, I should go pick up Rhonda."
"No," Jack said. "She's frustrating you, Doc." He poked him on the side. "Want Dawn?"
"I'd never have enough room for the shopping," he complained. "Though I might pop in and steal Ianto."
"Take Martha. She could use some fun," Xander said quietly. "Or... well, no, the memory thing can't be reactivated, right?"
"I wish but no."
"Well then, there's Kissen." He was bouncing around and got his own hug. The Doctor smiled and stole him for a bit too. Xander grinned as they took off. "That'll help."
"He'll find another one soon," Jack promised. "I should head home." Xander took him and his trunk then came back to get his bag.
John was looking inside it. "Xander, why do you have rubies on a plant?"
"Because it's not rubies. They're called blood berries and they're very tasty." He looked around. "Armand?" he called. He meeped. "Thank you. I know he's a great babysitter. That's why we got him Benne and Donna." Rodney laughed, shaking his head. "He'll treat them very well and they'll love him for years." He walked off with his bag, helping get Rodney's stuff back to his rooms then went up to his. "Hi," he said with a happy grin.
Radek stared at him. "You went looting?"
"Nah, Doc wouldn't let me when we ran into that wreckage." He shrugged. "But, I did get you two some presents." Armand cooed at them, curling up on the bed. "Hedonist," he teased. He dug things out, including his plant samples. He loved offensive herbology.
"What're the ruby things?" Evan asked.
"Blood berries. Very good but they're a mild relaxer."
"I should have Keller check those for Woolsey," Radek said. He took his wrapped thing. Evan got his. Then Xander pulled out the rest, which made the room a bit hard to walk in or move at all for about ten minutes until things got settled into place. "Xander, this is," he breathed. It was a crystal scarab that matched his eye color. "Safe?" he asked, looking up at him.
"Yeah, it's just pretty," he said with a grin. "You needed a new paperweight."
"I did." He took a kiss and a hug. Evan smiled at his.
"I knew you needed some pigment so you can mix those, right?"
"I definitely can." He took his own hug and kiss. Then a deeper kiss. Radek got his own. Armand grumbled but moved to the dresser, making them all smile. "We should hit botany."
"Later. I'm sure nothing will eat us," Radek promised. They put their presents safely out of the way of them and the dragon then got happy together.
John walked in about twenty minutes into it and paused. "I don't wanna know," he said. Evan squeaked and groaned. "Sorry. Next time lock the door."
"Your present is in Rodney's stuff."
"I saw that. Thank you. Anything going downstairs?"
"Botany but it has to be carried."
"I'll let them know to come up in about three hours. Be happy, guys. We like you guys together." He walked out smiling and made sure the door locked behind him. He stopped Jon at the transporter. "No, you don't need to walk in on them too."
"Oh, jeez," he muttered. "Bunnies?"
"Hyper bunnies." They shared a look and locked the transporter too once they were out of it. Xander could unlock it from his end and he had the only room up there.
Xander walked into Botany and stared. He had been back for three weeks. Something was not right and it wasn't his plants. He stared at the snogging botanists, who hated each other and two of them were gay but kissing opposite sex scientists. He tapped his comm. "McKay to Botany please." He hung up and looked around. "Atlantis, is this a new spore?" he asked calmly.
"No, my sensors don't indicate anything of the kind, Xander," the nearest image projector said.
"Hmm." Rodney and Radek walked in and paused. "Does it seem strange to you guys that the very gay lesbians are kissing the very gay guys and the two that can't stand each other because they're ex's are snogging?" he asked them, unable to look away. "Atlantis said there's no spores."
Rodney cleared his throat. "This is not acceptable lab behavior!" he said loudly. They ignored them totally. He blinked. "Well."
"Yeah," Xander said. "I'm ready to gouge my eyes out here, guys."
"Yes, as I am," Radek agreed. "People, is disgusting!" he shouted. One moaned. They all backed out of botany. Rodney took air readings and then went to look at the plants, coming out shaking his head. "Fire hose?" he suggested.
"I'm not sure it'll work," Rodney complained. "Usually I'm enough to make anyone quit lusting. Unless they're after me of course, but others I meant," he babbled.
Xander gave him a hug. "You're more than worthy to lust over. They're just scared of your mind, Rodney."
"I know they are. Hug Radek. He's more your type." Radek snickered, taking his own hug. He activated the sprinklers in there. No change. He called the infirmary. She showed up looking curious. "We've tried cold water, there's no plants causing it, no air quality issues."
She looked and covered her eyes. "That's bad." She went in to break them up. They pulled her in and within a few seconds she was happy too.
Xander looked at Rodney. "I'm not that brave. They'll all want me. 'Cause this is clearly evil."
Rodney sighed, calling Sheppard down. Just requested his presence.
"Thank you for sparing me some paperwork but what's wrong?" John asked.
Rodney pointed. "They sucked Keller in when she tried to physically break them up. Two kisses and she was involved. We've tried water and it's warping Xander's brain. Plus mine. I don't mind thinking about lesbians but really."
John looked and groaned, calling a few people from the infirmary. They came jogging down with help. "We don't know what's prompting it," he said.
"It's clearly touch oriented since it sucked Keller in," Xander told him. "I was in there for three minutes staring in horror and it didn't get me."
"You have that funny mutant blood," one of the nurses told him.
"It's not like I'm Wolverine or something," he said dryly. "Even the spores got me."
"Really?" she asked. "I remember you bringing around food."
"I've had a lot of experience controlling those desires, even when drugged and needy. I could take twenty to feed you guys while the place I was recovered."
"Pity. There's a bet you know." She went in but they sucked her in with a single kiss. The other nurses backed away. John got them Marines to lead the whole group to the quarantine room.
"Xander, blood work," Radek said. "Us too probably." Rodney groaned. "Just in case it is a subtle infection."
Rodney looked at him. "Needy today?" he asked dryly.
"No. Not today." He smirked back. "Some of us had quite a lot of fun to cure that need. You should someday soon so your temper lessens." Xander looked at him. "What?"
"Did you get up and play the stripper subgame on GTA without me?" he asked.
"Yes. Was fun. Could not sleep with Armand trying to snore into my stomach after we fell asleep during the last game."
He nodded. "He does that to me sometimes too. Or I get tail tip rubs that drive me nuts and makes it hard to sleep. I keep thinking it's Anya's nails."
"Should we move that couch up to his room?" John asked him quietly. "So falling asleep during games isn't a problem?"
"He has huge bed. I can sleep on the foot and not run into him. Though he is very cuddly when he falls asleep during games."
"Good to know. Go get blood work since you're not usually this blunt." Radek sighed but did it, dragging Rodney with him. John shook his head. Evan Lorne was laughing across the hall. "What?"
"Armand is the cuddliest little thing," he assured him with a grin. "If I end up sleeping up there, he's usually snoring in my ear and wrapped around my shoulder." He walked off too.
"I think he needs a cot for show," John decided. He went up to check and got him some extra blankets and things to put on the nice, comfy, cushioned bench that ran along the footboard. That way they could pretend to do that instead. Though it was a huge bed and it had been very comfy. He blocked that thought out and went to the infirmary. It wasn't his right to sleep in it anymore.
Xander stared down from the observation deck, grimacing. "They have the spores somehow," he decided.
One of the Marines nodded. "Looks about how I felt."
"I'm wondering how and why," Xander sighed. He went to check the lab with Rodney. He could feel the little things radiating. He felt it and paused. "Shit. It was on purpose," he said quietly. Rodney's head popped up from his scanner. He pointed. "Labeled even. Baby lotion."
Rodney came over to scan the bottle, grimacing. "Why did they want to do this again?"
"I'm guessing here but since that bottle isn't usually baby lotion someone wanted the intended side effects."
Rodney got into another file on his computer. "The three females had requested to go back to the mountain in four months," he sighed. They shared a look. "So it's touch sensitive. Let's get the others checked." He walked off to tell the doctors that. Xander carefully put it into a bag. Then he made sure it was sealed. He did not need it on him. He didn't need to know if he could get pregnant. He walked it up to the infirmary. The second-doc-in-command took it from him. She had gloves on up to her elbows and a mask. "I made sure it didn't get on the bag itself."
"I don't care," she told him. "I don't need kids." She put it into their hazardous material vault and wrote the log entry then sealed it in.
Xander walked off. Rodney was off complaining to John and Woolsey so he decided to join him. "It's locked in the hazmat vault in the infirmary," he reported. "Were they fully aged spores?"
"Yes, apparently they saved some samples during their admittedly crappy scrub-down after the event," Rodney complained.
"Rodney, some people would do anything to have a kid," Xander reminded him. "I'm not one. You may not be one, but some people spend *millions* trying to have a baby instead of adopting or even becoming a foster parent," he said quietly. Rodney grimaced but nodded. "And for those who swing my way, there's even harder things since most egg banks won't help the gay guys and most sperm banks won't do lesbians." He sat down. "I'm guessing the married couple wanted one even though they couldn't stand each other. Or one part did and talked the other into and said they'd take full custody."
Rodney looked. "He did ask to transfer back stateside as well," he said with a grimace. "He's been out here since the first year." He sat down with a groan. "It's insane."
"I agree with Harris," Woolsey said. "I know people who've spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, shots, sperm banks, all that, and still ended up without a child, but scoffed when someone mentioned adoption because they had to have one of their own."
"Which I see as pretty selfish," Xander pointed out.
"Are you going to adopt some day?" Rodney asked him.
"I'd warp a kid otherwise I might. If I did, the kid would turn into Ronon."
"He would," John said but he was grinning. "You'd have the best kid in all the disciplines of fighting and then tops in his college classes." Xander smiled at that. "You have to admit, it costs a lot less to do that for four days than it does to take shots, go through fertility treatments, or IVF, all that, Rodney."
"It may," he agreed. "But if they had told me I could have covered for them. Put them off the duty roster or something. No one told me anything so we're short most of Botany."
"Women have a very short fertile period," Xander pointed out. "You'd be short most of botany anyway. Someone needs to go stick Keller with an anti-baby potion."
Rodney called the infirmary. "Jacob, McKay. Who did you stick with the anti-fertility drugs?"
"No one yet, sir. Why?"
"Because it appears the original group was doing so to get pregnant. Only stick the later ones." He hung up. "That way they don't have to do it again." He grimaced. "I hate hiring for botany. I never get people I can trust."
"So ask Doctor Brown to do it for you," John said quietly. "She doesn't hate you."
"No, she doesn't. I might." He looked at Xander. "You didn't touch it, right?"
"No, I don't want to know if I can get pregnant," he said dryly.
"Is your basic anatomy skill that low?" Rodney demanded but he was smiling.
"I've been surrounded by DNA warping energy all my life have merman DNA added to mine, and in case you forgot I'm the one who's warped every single prophecy I run into and half the other situations too. What makes you think it's outside of any possibility," Xander countered but he was smiling.
"True, some fish do change genders," Rodney said, considering it. "I have no idea how we'd figure that out for you." He wrote an equation on his tablet PC and hummed. "No, that'd only work for John and his bug DNA."
"Gee, thanks," John said dryly.
"I figure the universe wants to play more games with me," Xander said with a small shrug. "Thankfully I use condoms. Almost always."
"If you should get pregnant, you're going to be watched very closely," Rodney said impatiently, glaring at him.
"No, if I do, I'm hiding my ass so I can't be seen by anyone." Evan walked in, giving him an odd look. "Pointing out if there was a single possibility point of a chance of any male getting pregnant it'd be me."
"You do the impossible," he admitted dryly. "Are you out of condoms? I thought I heard you mumbling about that the other day."
"Oops." He pulled out his phone and called Dawn.
"How does that work from another galaxy?" Woolsey demanded.
"Magic," he said simply. "Dawnmeister, me. No, small issue. Use some of your shoe shopping money to get me some condoms and lube please? Thank you. Yeah, I'm about out. No, we were talking about me being the only possible male who could get pregnant from those spores. Someone was using it for that effect." He grinned. "Good! I'm glad it didn't affect you, young lady. Because you're surrounded by little shits, that's why. Well, if Owen had been around ...." She shuddered and hung up. "She'll make sure I get some in case I want to play sometime." He put his phone back. Woolsey took it look over with Rodney's scanner.
Rodney gave him a pointed look. "That doesn't pick up magic." He took them both back, handing Xander his phone. "Did they say you were still too fucked up to get someone else pregnant?"
"Good. I'd hate to see that with who you play with." He got up and walked off. He'd miss Radek if he got pregnant. He'd have to break in a whole new second-in-command and toughen them up. Miko wouldn't be pleased.
"I'm so glad too," John said, smirking at Evan.
"I'd be adorable if it was me," Xander quipped to break that train of thought. "That's why I'd hide. So no one got tummy petting in."
Evan looked at him. "Go eat and then get some sleep, Xander. You clearly need some sleep. Too many video games and not enough sleep makes you go strange." Xander shrugged, walking off to follow that order. "Let's not find out, sir. Please?" he begged.
"There's no way I want to see him pregnant, Lorne. Relax." Evan gave him a pointed look. "Or anyone by him. It'd freak everyone out. We'd have Rodney walking around pulling at his hair again." Evan shuddered, walking out to go to his own office. John looked at Woolsey. "What?"
"I think we'd have him screaming and ranting first." He left to take something for his headache. Now he knew why Weir had advised him to bring up headache pills of his choice. He had known before but this proved why she had liver toxicity from tylenol poisoning when she died.
John sat back, smirking at his work. Yup, everyone now had bad mental thoughts.
Xander looked at the scientists he was bringing dinner to that night. He stared at them. "Doctors Keller and Borden, you two should probably go find a nice spot like your rooms. Guys?" They came in to get them and take them to the infirmary. He handed out trays of real food, from the stuff he had brought up. He looked at them. "Rodney said to warn him, because he was now short in botany." They groaned, stuffing their mouths. "I understand why, guys. I saw the label on the bottle." They all stared at him. "That's why only the two docs got the anti-fertility shots." The women smiled at that. "Or did they hit you?" They shook their heads. "We don't mind if that's the reason, but warn someone. I have nightmare images of walking in on you guys." He tossed down a few tubes. "Wifey lube." He walked out. "Can we block out the observation deck?" he asked the watching nurse.
"I have. I've only got monitors to make sure no one's hurt and we put a call button in there in case of emergency, Xander. It's sweet of you."
He shrugged. "Everyone else deserves the right to have spawn. I certainly don't think I want any. I have Armand for that." She smiled. He went to eat dinner. "Mission accomplished, John."
"Thanks, Xander. They good?"
"They're fine and the doctors are back in their quarters or somewhere safe. They have food in there. The nurse is only monitoring."
"Even better." He patted him on the back. "They wanted it."
"I didn't mind that time I was dosed myself," he said. "But I don't want kids. Right now, Armand is plenty."
Radek looked at him. "In the future?"
"I'd have the most warped kids ever," he admitted with a sigh. "Maybe I'll be the second-daddy. Because my DNA is still screwy."
"It is true," he agreed, considering it. "That might be decent some day." He smiled and buttered his bread before eating it. "You can tell they made the bread."
John nodded. "And the supposedly steamed veggies. Rodney," he said, spotting him walking in. "Don't eat the vegetables. They taste like lemon."
Rodney looked at them. "Anything that hasn't come in contact with that?" They got him two sandwiches from the fridge and a large carton of milk. "Thank you." He walked off, going to the table. "Anyone touch it and then the table?" John shook his head, pointing at a covered spot. "Thank you." He moved the cover and sat down so he could eat. "I hate having an allergy."
"It's never fun, but those of us with extreme powers or genius are always physically hampered somehow," Xander told him.
"Yes we are," he agreed. "Mine's my allergy. Radek is his eyesight and nerves."
"They are not as bad anymore," Radek told him. "Some of us are physically perfect."
"Then they have mental issues. They go all sorts of crazy," Xander reminded him. "Or they're not true geniuses."
"Good point." He looked at Rodney. "The ship is nearly back and sent ahead notice of new staff. Including two botanists and Kavanagh." Rodney choked.
"Why is he coming back?" John asked.
"We do not know but the file said he requested to come back," Radek told him.
"Hmm," John said, pressing his lips shut.
"Is that the dweeb that Rodney wanted to space?" Xander asked.
"Yes," Rodney said, looking grim. "He goes back with the ship, Radek. I don't care how or why. He goes back on that same ship." He ate a large bite and drank some of his milk to wash it down. "Bread's a bit tough and dry but otherwise decent." Xander got a packet of ranch dressing. "On turkey?"
"Hot peppers?" Xander offered. "It's that or Italian tonight."
"No, that'll do," he decided, adding the ranch dressing. He had eaten grosser things from this cafeteria. "Thank you."
"Welcome." He looked at Radek. "So, can I play with the geek?" He smiled sweetly.
"Yes," Radek and Rodney said in unison, cracking John up.
"As long as you make him go away and hopefully give up science," Rodney finished. "I have no idea why he came back since he found everything wrong before." He ate another bite. It wasn't too bad after all.
Xander met the new guy on Saturday. "Who're you?" he demanded. "I know you're not one of the scientists."
"No, actually I'm the chief linguist up here," he said dryly. "I'm the one who translates all that shit you need out of the databases."
"No one called for you."
"Sparky, sit and shut it. I'm not here for you. Radek's working on my advanced chemistry today. Then he's got time with Faith on her flight physics."
"He's teaching?" he sneered.
Xander smirked. "Those who have something to pass on should teach." Kavanagh glared. Xander stared back. "Radek has an amazing mind. Of course he has plenty to teach and we're more than willing students. Even Rodney's taught a few lessons. Especially about explosive properties of certain elements." Kavanagh swallowed. "So why don't you go back to whatever Rodney assigned you to do in your menial little way before I toss you into the ocean?" He smiled as Rodney and Radek walked in bickering, again. "Guys, don't do that. Radek will lose more hair."
"Which would be a pity I'm sure," Rodney said sarcastically. "Why are you in?"
"Oh, that's right, you're learning more chemistry today." He looked at Radek. "I can have Miko take over so you can fix those wires."
Xander sighed. "He can teach me while I go fix the wires if I have to," Xander pointed out.
Rodney looked at him. "You are handy that way," he admitted with a smirk. "And I never have to correct your work."
"We did find more of that lotion if it would improve your mood again," Radek shot back.
"You do and I'm so making sure you can't play video games for weeks on end," Rodney said, glaring slightly.
Xander whistled. "If I can't relieve the stress I go weird, remember? The next time, that lotion's stated usage might actually come true, which means I'd be hiding in my cabin."
"It was a pretty beach, even though I do loathe them," Rodney admitted. "Fairly rustic though."
"It's good for me. It's relaxing. Speaking of, want me to work on that sore shoulder that's put you out of sorts again?"
"Could you?" Rodney asked.
"Sure. Get me something slippery." Kavanagh spluttered. "It's not like I'm going to fuck him. I'm going to work on the sore shoulder he has. If I was going to use the slippery stuff for other purposes, it wouldn't be in the general lab. That would mean people would want to help."
"Not with him!" he sneered.
Xander popped him one on the forehead. "You've clearly never appreciated him for any of the right reasons. He's very toned, a genius, and doesn't mind it hot and heavy from the rumors I've heard." Kavanagh stomped off. Xander took the oil from another scientist's hand, pointing at the stool. Rodney took off his jacket and let Xander remove his shirt since the t-shirt wouldn't go up far enough over his shoulder. "That's even swollen this time, Rodney. What did you do?"
"Hit a wall," he mumbled, reading things he needed to go over while Xander worked on it.
Ellis and Woolsey walked in together. Kavanagh was following. "Harris," Woolsey said.
"He hit a wall, Woolsey."
"Why can't the infirmary do something?" Ellis asked.
"When was the last time you knew they had something for joint inflamation?" Xander asked, glancing over. "I'm only doing his shoulder. It was that idiot who acted like I was going to throw him on the table and make him scream like a soprano being goosed." Radek snickered at that. Rodney let out a soft moan so he worked on that area. "Too many more times into a wall and that shoulder's going to separate. Hit the wall with the other side," he complained lightly.
"I did try but the blast did it, not my intention," he quipped back. He looked up. "Why are you two staring at me that way? Are the spores back since you two don't usually appreciate my bare chest?" They fled. Kavanagh stomped off too. Rodney looked down the table at the others in there with them. "I don't want him to stay," he ordered. They all nodded.
"Oh, we have a good thing," Xander said, smirking at him. "He tried to hit on Faith."
Radek snorted. "He is too tiny dicked to ever meet up to her expectations and too stupid to ever meet up to her new brain requirements," he said in Czech.
Xander said something in Chinese, which he had been teaching Radek. Miko gasped then burst out cackling, running off to hide them. Rodney looked up at him then hit the translate button on his tablet PC. It provided a written translation and he smirked at the boy. "He's not even that good. I know dogs that had better taste than him."
Xander grinned. "Don't tempt me." They all cackled. Xander got the shoulder eased, checking the range of motion while Rodney read more things he had to go over and berate people about. John walked in. "Make him hit the other side, John. This one's getting too sore."
"I tried," he complained. He watched Rodney put back on his shirt and smile at the boy. "It help?"
"Quite a lot. Thank you, Xander. Radek, go teach him chemical and biological weapons so he can make test units, or something equally mean," he ordered with a hand-wave.
"Of course I can. Will go well with flight physics later." Xander beamed at him and they went to the office to work on it so they were out of the way.
John leaned on the desk. "Ellis was laughing about him."
"Xander and Radek agreed, he doesn't have a dick a fish would like." Miko came back. "They're in the office."
"That's fine. I'm sure they have blinds," she said calmly.
"They'd better not in my office," he said firmly. She blushed. He held up something. "It has your name and it's far below your standard so who put your name on it?"
She pointed. She was glad not to be yelled at. Yet.
John sat down in a corner, watching it go on. He didn't want to get anywhere near Kavanagh or Ellis right now. He might break and tell them what he thought of them.
Xander smiled as he sat down, putting something on the table. "Blunt candy." He beamed.
"Like it takes the restraint from your brain to your mouth off?" John asked, looking at the tiny spray bottle.
"Lock that in a safe," John ordered. "Before it becomes dangerous."
"On the planet that created it, they used it for marriage contracts. So no one could lie."
John looked at him. "That's even worse. Put it away." Xander looked at someone then back at him. "Oh, no, I don't want to see that."
"Pity." Xander handed it to Rodney when he walked in, who smirked at him. Radek had already briefed him. They got food and sat down again.
"Harris, I borrowed a King book from your regular collection," one of the Marines called.
"That's cool. Just don't damage it."
"Thanks. What's with the books on your desk?"
"The brown, handmade looking ones?" He nodded. "Stuff you probably don't want to get into. I haven't put them away yet."
"That's fine. Morticia was more lively."
"Yeah, I put her on the balcony last night. She and Gomez had a great time catching bugs. And a fish since one jumped and she caught it." The marine biologists cheered at that. "She's fully recovered from spawning Wednesday and Puglsey."
"Good for her," Rodney praised. "Though I'm not sure I want to keep those two in Botany. Wednesday seems to be very enamored of the botanist she keeps trying to eat."
"I think she's mostly hugging. She knows Doctor Glenda is too big to eat."
"If you're sure," he said dryly.
"Doctor Glenda, how's my plants' babies?" he called.
"They're wonderful, Xander. They're happily waving their tentacles and all that. Wednesday is very cuddly and doesn't even usually suck on me for more than the paper in my pocket now." She ate a bite, smiling. "Those new self-reproducing plants are very tasty. Thank you for finding them. They're able to be replanted and bred from too."
"You're welcome." He dug in, eating happily.
Rodney shook his head. "At least I'm not allergic to this one." He stuffed his mouth. "It is good."
John nodded. "Very good. Non fattening, low calories, and they make good replacement for eggplants." He stuffed his mouth again.
Xander moaned and nodded, digging into the other stuff. That was good. He paused. "Rodney... Don't touch the orange stuff."
Rodney looked then pushed everything else away from it. "You're sure?"
John ate it, then nodded. "Grapefruit. Woolsey!" He came over. "Did no one tell them Rodney's allergic to citrus? That's the fourth meal this week with it," he asked quietly.
"Crap." He went to talk to them. One of them screamed but he wore them down. Two of them huffed off. He went to talk to Ellis to switch out his cooks. They were always good. They got transferred out and briefed by the only old member that was left, but off duty due to a broken foot. He came back. "There'll be no more problems, McKay." He smiled. "Do we have any others?"
"One of the marine biologists is allergic to mayo," Xander told him. "I think it's the eggs in it but not real sure."
"I'll check on that. Which one?"
"Thank you, Harris." He went to talk to her, and she readily told him. He went to tell the cooks, who noted her then said they'd make sure it wasn't around her. They knew how to treat allergies. Especially the truly bad ones.
Xander looked at the others. "Here, Rodney, pass it over. The orange stuff is decent enough." Rodney gave it to him and one of the cooks came out with a clean plate for him. He nodded his thanks. She took the old one back to clean.
Rodney looked around and Radek spotted the boil on their asses. "We need to do something."
Xander smiled. "I'm going up to my office later, Radek. Want to come up and help me play with Armand and the plants?"
"Of course. Where are the pets?"
Xander pointed at them lounging. They smiled at the sleeping dragons. "They were on Nila all day, napping on top of the top balcony."
"It's good for them," Rodney said. He finished up. "Mira?" She woke up, staring at him. "Want to go back to the lab or up to Xander's office?" She yawned and climbed over to nuzzle him and get him to carry her.
"Armand, office?" Xander asked. He groaned, getting up and popping his knee joints. "Are you hurting?" he asked, pulling him over to check his knees. "Is that normal?" Armand snuffled and snuggled in too. "C'mon, sleepy." He got up and threw out his trash, putting the stuff in. "Oh, ladies?" They looked over. "This is Armand. He'll eat anything but trees and metal. That is Mira, who is Doctor McKay's. She's the same way. She'll hiss at citrus stuff too."
"That's good to know," the closest one said. "He's cute, Harris."
"Yeah, he's a good baby dragon." He smiled and walked out happier. He got stopped by Nurse Brown, who wanted to pet Armand. He yawned. She sniffed and frowned at him. "What?"
"He smells off. McKay, let me see Mira," she ordered. He walked over. She sniffed her breath too. "They smell off. Scan them for me." They nodded, going to the exobiology lab. She walked in. "Sheppard, I'm having both pets scanned. They smelled off."
He grimaced. "They were napping on the railing. They were on Nila napping all day."
She sighed. "That's not good. Nila?" she called. Nila liked her. She appeared, making a few of the newbies gasp. "Were either dragon given anything funny?"
"Someone gave them some fruit earlier, but otherwise not that I have seen. They did rest all day on my top balcony."
"Who gave him the fruit?" John asked.
"The new scientist from Biology. Should I check on them?"
"Rodney's scanning them," the nurse told her. "You tell on anyone who hurts them. I'd hate to see Harris' temper if someone hurts him."
"Thank you, Nila. We know you consider Armand family," John promised, smiling at her. "Thank you for letting me know." She nodded and disappeared. He stood up. "Who fed Mira and Armand what today?" he asked. "I'd better be told because whoever hurts them gets my foot up their ass and possibly spaced." They all ducked down. "Confess or I'll go find security footage." One slowly raised her hand. "What was it?"
"The melon like stuff. We were told we could feed them," she said weakly.
"You can but they appear to be sedated," the nurse said.
"Oh no! I would not do that! I like the little guy! He ate that water rat for us!" she said frantically.
Xander walked in. "Okay, who gave them a sedative?" he asked. "We know it was a shot." They didn't say anything. "I'll find out one way or another and telling me now means I can't kill you. If I find out on my own, Sheppard won't stop me."
"Why are you so huffy?" Kavanagh asked sarcastically. Xander threw him into a wall, making him whimper as he slid down it. Of course, he had done it without touching him. The others who knew just backed away.
"Anyone?" Xander asked.
"I pulled blood from Mira yesterday," one of the lesser doctors offered. "To check for problems and compare against Armand's."
"No, it wasn't that. You do those on their necks, not under the tail into the muscle." She shook her head quickly. "Anyone?"
Ellis walked in. "Harris, please stay calm. What happened to him?"
"He smarted off," John said. "He'll recover quickly enough. People, I'd tell us. Today. We all know Xander is not going to let this one go." Someone coughed and pointed at the idiot scientist. "Seriously?" She nodded. "Anyone else see him?" A few others raised their hands. "Why?"
"He wanted to scan them," one of the biologists said. "We told him we had plenty of scans, they were great and nice pets, all that. He stomped off. I didn't see him inject them though."
"Are they going to be okay?" Ellis asked.
"Probably tomorrow since he gave them a Ronon sized dose," he said grimly. "Mira's too young for that."
"Agreed," Ellis said. "I'll deal with the ass myself. He will not do it again."
John looked at him. "Just take him home before I throw him into the ocean and watch him drown," he said.
"The IOA wanted him here."
"McKay wants him spaced. Which one do you think will get their way?"
"McKay accidentally on purpose with a gate malfunction," Ellis admitted. "Pick him up and take him to the office," he ordered a few of the Marines. They finished eating quickly and did that for him. He walked off. John followed. This wasn't going to be allowed to go on.
Rodney walked into Xander's office, looking around. "Someone's been in here."
Xander looked then did something, then he did something to the door. He put an intent clause on it then let it go above the door. He went back to straighten things out. "Too bad the plants didn't get him."
"Same person?" Rodney asked.
"Yup." He looked. "He's got some of the latin smut and ... one of my journals." He teleported down to the office. "Where's my journal?" he asked.
"You believe in magic?" he sneered back. Xander levitated him, making him scream. "You're an Ancient!" he shouted.
"No, I'm just really damn good at what I've studied. Now, where in the fuck is my journal before I use this to rip your molecules apart." He stared him down. The idiot whimpered. "Where in the fuck is my journal?"
"Put him down," Ellis ordered.
Xander looked at him. "No." He heaved him higher. "I can start slowly by breaking bones against the ceiling. I have no tolerance for fucking idiots or morons."
"Xander, temper," John ordered. Cam came jogging up with Jon. "O'Neill, search his rooms. He's got one of Xander's journals."
"Okay," he agreed. Atlantis beamed them in front of him. "Even better. Thank you, Atlantis." She smiled at him. "Is that all he has of his?"
"Yes. Though he does have a journal from Doctor Zelenka." She handed that over as well. "Xander, that is tweaking the power flows above you," she said politely.
Xander let him drop, making him scream when something cracked. "Sorry, Atlantis. Did he read them?" She nodded. "Then I owe him more than that."
"You're a fucking monster," Kavanagh said, glaring at him.
Xander stared at him. "I've been in more wars than our country has, Kavanagh. I may be a linguist but I'm still damn good and you just fucked with me." The scientist moved back. "Now, anything else in my past you want to comment on?"
"You're gay," he sneered.
"Actually, I'm bi. So? General O'Neill knew that when he signed me up."
"I doubt he knew that about others."
"Scientists are immune from DADT," John said. "And we don't care on this base. I'm not going to take those reports because it causes problems among the staff. We have to be tighter than that and we all know that you have to be open minded out here. I don't care who fucks what as long as they're consenting and a compatible species."
Ellis coughed. "I don't want to hear those things, Sheppard," he said calmly.
"I don't want bigots up here. It'll make it harder, Ellis," he said, looking at him. "If they get that pissed about people doing consensual things in their own rooms, they can come to you."
"I agree with that decision," Woolsey agreed. "We don't need the problems that would cause. With what we deal with, we have to be ready to accept any options."
"I can agree with that point. I don't like that regulation but I have to follow it," Ellis said.
John shook his head. "No. I don't. I'm in another galaxy. They didn't make regulations that would cover out here. If they're that desperate to put in a complaint, they can come to you. Then again, half of the soldiers and almost ninety percent of our scientists aren't US citizens and aren't covered by it anyway."
"That's a good point," he agreed. "I'll make that allowance." John smiled. "What are you going to do about him?"
"Can you space him before he tries to blackmail Harris or Zelenka? Since they're both scientists and not covered by regs?"
"There's another one in with them," Kavanagh spat. "A soldier."
"Yes, they play video games together," Woolsey said dryly. "Out here, comfort is good, Kavanagh. We're alone, surrounded by enemies, and facing extinction every few weeks. If someone wants to find safety, security, and love in someone's bed, it's good for them psychologically and physically. I don't care if they're up there playing video games, going at it like wild rabbits, or just sleeping together so they get hugs." He shrugged. "Neither does anyone else. Get off my base. I've had enough. Armand is a critical benefit to the diplomatic missions. Mira will be soon probably." Elis opened his mouth. "People like us when they show up. Us having pets makes us seem nicer, more friendly, and less military."
"Good point," Ellis agreed. "Mira is McKay's furry dragon?" John nodded. "She's a sweet little thing. She crawled up me to sniff me and nuzzled my ear then hopped over to investigate Ronon's hair."
"Armand loves his hair too," John said with a smile. "Do you have a brig?"
"Yeah, I do and a few medics who can handle whatever Xander broke. Harris, which journal is that?"
He looked inside, then grimaced. "Pre blippy."
"Damn," John muttered.
"Yeah, the bad years when the friends got bad for me." He closed it again, looking at Woolsey. "I'm not sorry and if you want to fire me, so be it."
"Go back to your office. Give Zelenka back his journal. I find no fault with that since he attacked your pet and stole from your office."
"I put back up the deterrent spell if you're up there for a bad reason." He walked off, followed by Cam. "Sorry," he said quietly.
"I'm not," Jon said. "It's good that you stick up for them."
"Me too," Cam promised. They went back to the office. "Radek, he got into your room too." Xander handed over the journal then shelved his.
"He also tried to out the video game thing," Jon said quietly. Radek shrugged. "Woolsey said he didn't care. John doesn't either. Ellis said he understood and he didn't seem to care."
"Thank you for letting me know." He stopped Xander from pacing. "Calm down."
"He read mine and at least glanced through yours."
"It will be fine. No one will believe it."
"It's the one from Sunnydale," he said quietly.
"Ah." He gave him a hug. "No one will believe him about that or you doing magic either. They will make sure he cannot talk." Xander looked at him. "I know your group hurt each other greatly. Them to you, you to them at times, and things were very bad often," he said quietly, staring at him. "He will not make it worse or Buffy will rip him apart." He grinned at that. "Good boy. Now, let us watch the sunset with the little child?"
"Sure." He sat down on his lounging couch, Radek with him. Armand curled up on them and it was nice. The others pulled the chairs out to do that. Cam had to move Morticia's table some because she kept stroking his hair but that was okay too. She loved him like a pet bunny for some reason.
Evan walked into the office about thirty minutes later. "You wanted to see me, sirs?" he asked, saluting Ellis. John didn't make him.
"There's been a problem tonight that you should hear about," John said.
"Something to do with the drugging I heard about? Because I'm barely keeping my temper about that, sirs."
"Slightly," Ellis said. "Dr. Kavanagh did that but he also stole journals from Dr. Zelenka and Harris."
"Hmm," Evan said, pressing his lips together. "From?"
"Radek's recent one and Xander's from Sunnydale," John told him.
Evan nodded. "Permission to kick his ass, sirs?"
"Denied, Harris did it already," Ellis said, sounding a bit pleased. "He's in the brig. There is the chance that he'll try to talk."
Evan nodded. "Hearsay is not admissible in a court of law, Colonel."
"We don't care," Ellis assured him. "And I think some people will be unhappy if he does, but this is to warn you that he might try since you are military."
Evan nodded. "If he tries can I beat him then?"
"Go for it," John promised.
Evan nodded. "Thank you for letting me know, Colonels and Woolsey. Let me know if something happens due to this."
"Major, there's a whole lot of people who are both scared and begging for Harris," Ellis told him. "The Army general is still trying to get him for black ops. Some of the Marine commanders want the same. They're both willing to overlook him bending over for whoever, as is the CIA from rumors I've heard from O'Neill." Evan swallowed and nodded. "He has made himself clear but others are very wet for the boy."
"I'll make sure he realizes it, sir."
"Good. For now, we don't care if you guys are playing video games or not," Woolsey told him. "For all we care it's a spore night every night." Evan cracked a smile but shook his head. "The only thing that would end that lack of concern is if someone ends up unable to do their job some day or something else happened."
"Yes, sir, understood," Evan agreed. Ellis waved so he saluted and walked off. He went up to the office. They had made sure to tell him they were up there. He walked in and looked at Xander. "Even the CIA wants you?"
"They tried to recruit me during our high school career fair," he said quietly. "It wasn't very enthusiastic. My personality profile came up with something they could use."
Evan smiled. "Ellis described them as wet according to O'Neill."
"Not me," Jon said dryly.
"The other one," Evan said, shooting him a dirty look then smiled at Xander again. "The Army and Marines too."
"No, I'm only here."
"Good. They said as long as we're able to work, no one cares," he told Zelenka.
"Of course. It relieves stress and pressure of nearly dying every month." He shrugged and Evan slid down to cuddle Xander and Armand with him. The others wouldn't mind. McKay did when Mira came over to cuddle them. "You have a father," Radek reminded her. She yawned, curling up with Armand. "Awww."
"Very," Faith agreed as she strolled over. "That's so cute. X, I heard you went off?"
"The asshole drugged them with a sedative."
"Excuse me?" she demanded. "He still around?"
"In the brig on the Apollo," Evan told her.
"With a few broken spots," Xander said quietly. "Atlantis asked me to stop."
Cam looked over at him. "I wanted to hit him myself and you wouldn't leave me any." Xander smiled at that. "Come sit, Faith. I won't hit on you and this one's wide enough for two." She sat down and he shifted some, making her grin at him. They stared as the two moons came up. It was a beautiful view.
John walked in and sat down on the floor against the lounging couch. Mira leaned over to pat his hair down. He smiled at her. "It's fine." She kept patting so he petted back. She was trying to get the spiky parts down. He smoothed it down and she purred, sliding down to sit in his lap. "Sure." Rodney pouted at him. He poked her and pointed. She roared a tiny roar and pounced the daddy. Rodney smiled, settling in to pet her better. She did love him. Even if she did use her tail to try to get John's hair to quit sticking up. "You've taught her the wrong things," he joked.
"She knows your hair looks dumb sometimes," Rodney shot back.
"Kids," Cam complained.
"That only works on your base," John said with a smirk.
"Fine. Xander, got any music on your computer?"
"My computer? Yeah. The main one no." Cam got up to look, turning on some quiet classical music so it wasn't silent. Then he sat down again. Faith yawned but he could only grin at her napping on his shoulder. He respected her. He wouldn't do more than tease her tomorrow to watch her blush a bit.
Sam Carter walked in. "What are we doing?"
"Watching the moonrise," Jon called. He looked back. "Why?"
"Kavanagh is in the brig?"
"He stole mine and Radek's journals and then drugged Armand and Mira," Xander called.
She huffed. "He's probably not used to having pets and thought they were strange."
John looked back. "One of the botanists told him they had plenty of scans if he wanted to study it. He did it anyway."
"Oh." She grimaced. "Can you let Nila approve me to look at her database?"
"It's all downloaded to the main system," Rodney told her. "What did you need to look for? He and Jackson are nearly done with all of it."
She hiked over. She hated Xander's office. It was too large. "I'm looking at power supply and weapons bases?"
"Power supplies were standard ZPM's," Rodney told her. "Nothing on how to make them or anything. Weapons were for emergency usage, basically to blow some asteroids aside. Directional jets as well."
"She was the prototype," Xander said quietly. "They didn't think she'd need to defend herself more than that. Miko and Radek have a good plan for her future weapons once the retrofit is done."
"That's good. Then we'll take her to earth?"
"I'll be taking her to earth," Cam corrected. "She still doesn't like you, Carter."
"She's a program!"
Xander looked at her. "Who evolved all those years she was alone," he shot back. "She's more human than Kavanagh." She groaned at that. "Do you really want her to throw you while in flight like she does into the ocean?"
"She's sentient, so is Atlantis, Sam. They both deserve respect for being sentient, even if you can't touch them. Even if they were new AI's, they deserve respect for being a starting sentience. You give dogs more respect than you give them." She slumped. "You ignored her when she was giving you what you wanted to know. She's a very special being and just as special as any Ancient or Ori."
"Fine, I'll treat her like she's sentient."
"The rest of us who work on her don't have to make ourselves," Rodney told her. "She's very wise. Let Miko and Radek handle the retrofitting and weapons placements."
"If she's being given to SG-1, I'm part of that team," she pointed out firmly.
"We're not saying you're not," Cam assured her. "But there's labs that you're needed to figure out unless we bring McKay back with us. This is our lack of battles position, Sam."
"Whatever." She stomped off to find O'Neill. He was leaving on the ship back so he was around somewhere with Daniel. "They won't let me near Nila."
"Because you treat guard dogs better," Daniel agreed.
"Are you and McKay infected with something?" she demanded.
"No. I noticed it as he did." He looked at Jack then sighed. "Sam, you don't really expect to be able to deal with her in flight when she hates you that much, do you? She'll throw you into space."
"I'm part of SG-1."
Jack nodded. "You are, but you're also our chief scientist and we've got a lot of work to be done, Colonel. You and the team are going to be apart for non-battle times. Frankly, we need you doing that more than we need you figuring her out. We have seventeen new labs and outposts to look over. We need someone to scout them, figure out the uses of them, and make sure they're safe for the teams you'll be sending."
"Most of our best people are up here."
"But not forever," Jack told her. "Because we'll be bringing her back with Nila eventually."
She sighed, shaking her head. "I should be involved."
"We know most everything about Nila due to our time on Atlantis," Daniel reminded her. "You have to make the other labs safe to examine and explore. I don't want to step into them knowing what the people up here have found in some labs and some of the problems that we've had."
"I know about those."
"Good! We can't lose many more of you to exploding machines and things," Daniel told her. "Especially not with the hint of Assurans showing up again."
Xander appeared. "We have a problem."
"Assurans?" Daniel guessed. Xander looked at him. "You only have visions when something prompts it, usually a word or a phrase that's the subject of them."
"Yeah, it's fun when I read a dictionary," he said sarcastically, looking at him. Daniel smiled back. "I should tell her where you are."
"Please don't. I don't need a stalker."
"Stalker?" Jack asked.
"He foresaw someone finding out and thinking I'm the next coming."
"Ah." He nodded. "We'll give you security, Danny. Xander?"
"Battles as we fly back," he said, shuddering. "Nila's behind Atlantis. She's going to run low on power. I'm .... going to go expedient," he said, glancing at Sam's back then at Jack.
"Come tell me in more detail. Did McKay hear?" he asked as he walked him to a private room.
"Yeah, Radek questioned me and I babbled it in Czech. Rodney does speak a good bit now." He locked the door behind him. "We're running out of power. Nila's a bit behind Atlantis. We lifted off about a day later due to a structural issue." Jack nodded at that. "Nila picks out them massing for an attack. I had given the power source of both of my bracelets to her for her power needs."
"Okay, I know they're powered by something big," he said.
"Yeah, I split a supernoving sun into them." He stared at him, watching him shudder. "We have enough weapons and shields for maybe an hour, but we'll be out of power then. We'll die," he said, his voice cracking. "Radek's with us."
He patted him on the shoulder. "What did you see yourself doing?"
"Recreating my bracelet's power sources," he said quietly, looking up at him. "To stop them cold, literally." Jack shuddered. "I went down in the jumper we asked for to come with us. We got most of the ZPM's. A few were taken back because they needed to power a shield and heat source," he said, starting to pace. "I make it back to Nila with a shitload of ZPM's. I hand them over and send the power back after a few minute's thought but, I.... I'm horrified at myself."
"They want to kill you, Xander."
"I know but to wipe out their sun!" he hissed.
"You handed it back."
"I know you did. You've been in too many battles and you're starting to see the end result is all." He pulled him closer to make him stop pacing. "I know you'd hand it back."
"I'm not sure."
"I am." He stared him down. "We'll be working on the Assurans. If they have that many ZPM's, they're getting stolen," he offered with a small smile.
"I brought back 85," he said quietly. "They're massing them for an attack."
"Good! We need to know that." He gave the boy a small smile. "You won't do it. I know you won't because the endline of your morality is *him* and he'd be disappointed."
"Yeah, he would," he said quietly. "Which is why I'm about to bash myself in the head or make myself sick."
"No, don't. Just because you saw a *possibility*," he said firmly. "It doesn't mean you'll be doing it."
"But, if it's necessary...."
"We'll get the ZPM's before then," he said. "We'll see what we can do." He smiled at him. "Maybe we'll let you cloak or something. That way you don't have to face that *possibility*." He made the boy look at him again since he was looking down. "You always give them out in time to handle things," he said quietly.
"I do," he agreed, sighing at the end. "If I do, and I hesitate...."
"Radek will spank you," he reminded him. "Or Cam or Jon." He smirked. "They know you've been around the block too many times, kid. I'll be thankful when you're back on earth so you don't have to deal with these things." He let the boy go. "Now, on the more practical point, make sure Radek knows about the problems that made sure you left later."
"Atlantis has stronger engines."
"Can we fix that?"
"For right now, concentrate on the absolute things." He watched the boy grab his head and pulled him closer, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "What was it?" he asked when he groaned.
Xander blinked up at him, his eyes wet. "Another alternative to get home, the guy who was building the resonance time engine."
"No way in hell." Xander relaxed. "Last resort only. We'd all get beaten." Xander nodded, swallowing. "That bad?"
"Few years going around. Ten weeks in this time."
"That's bad. Stop him again." He patted his back. "Okay?" Xander nodded. "Good. You're a good planner. Go make plans. Make sure the problems can't happen. Also, Sam's feelings are hurt."
"I can't help her with that problem and I'm agreeing with Nila. Atlantis is pissed at her too." Atlantis appeared, nodding. "For the same thing?"
"She treats me like I'm not there or sentient," she agreed. "Others treat me better. Even the people who don't talk to me." She looked at Xander. "That small warping around you was a vision?" He nodded, swallowing again. She sighed. "You poor thing. Go back to your room. Walk and take the transporter or you'll throw up and your boys won't like that." He gave her a weak smile and he left. "Nila's engines are not strong enough," she agreed. "I noticed that when she came in." Nila appeared. "You need to give them a list of what you need to be space ready. They are talking about moving both of us back to earth within a year."
Nila nodded. "I can do so. Miko has most of it already." She bowed to Jack. "Child Jack, where will we be resting?"
"I don't know yet. Maybe on one of the labs."
"That would be acceptable. Though most of them will not integrate with me. Could we build a new one? Somewhere like this? Most everyone likes it here."
"I'll see," he told her. "We're not sure."
She nodded. "If we can move a few of them, it might help. Even the one in Africa, which can be moved, would be helpful."
"I'll do what I can." She smiled at that. "How long would it take to up the engines?"
"Perhaps six months but I do need structural work. Right now the bathrooms lead to bare space instead of something like a reclamation tank."
"We'll do it," he promised. She smiled and disappeared. He looked at Atlantis. "Do you agree with her list?"
"I do. My parental figure is quite wise."
"Good. Let Miko give me a list before I leave tomorrow." She nodded, going to tell the timid scientist that. Jack left, going to talk to Ellis. "We're foreseeing a problem," he said when he found him.
"Yes. On the trip back, Assurans."
Ellis nodded. "We need to stop them."
"Yes we do, since they're making ZPM's to stockpile."
Ellis considered it. "I have a small group of 302's, General. They have jumpers."
"They'll know. Can we launch cloaked?"
"Can they be cloaked?"
"Give me a battle plan by tomorrow. Ask Harris where they were stored." He nodded, going to find Harris. Jack went to think and relax. This was going to be a bad sign.
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