(Set between alignment 19 and 20)
Private Journal of Derek Rayne:
I now understand the greatest tragedy of my life. I never told those I cared about that I felt that way. I haven't, and may never be able to, tell Nick that I love him. I never got to tell those two boys that I consider them my true family. I never got to tell Willow Rosenberg that I hate her for what she's done to the one man I would be proud to call my son, if Xander would allow me to do so. I'll never get to tell Xander how much his leaving has hurt Nick and myself, how even Philip's depressed because he can't see the children anymore.
I'm now certain of why I joined the Legacy. It used to be that I thought I had joined to protect the innocent from the demons and evil that stalks them. Now I know, I joined to protect my family, my legacy. Now my legacy is gone, vanished into thin air by the stupidity of my own actions. I will never forgive myself for having the boys tranquilized instead of talking about the problem. I may never forgive myself for turning them into William for their righteous actions. I may never get over what I myself have caused to happen, my family abandoning me because they could no longer stand to be around me.
I do understand and realize that this sounds strange coming from me, but I want those two boys to come back, without Willow. I don't know if they know about what we did, or the fact that the child she's carrying could be mine, but I have found out I'm not the only affair she's had. Buffy has told me about a few times when she and Willow have went out together and having to find her and carry her home. I asked Alex about it, and she admitted that she had seen Willow drunk a few times herself. I know it's no longer my business because the boys are no longer here, but I feel it is my duty to protect my family. Same as they felt it was their duty to protect their friend Buffy. Which is why they left, because at the time, I couldn't understand. Now that I do, I wish I could turn back time and make it all better again, give my 'son' the benefit of my attention and care. I wouldn't have said anything to them if I had understood. And this is why I no longer want to be here. What I wouldn't give to get a message from them, I would be on the next flight out, even if it meant I had to live with Willow for the rest of my days and act like I loved her. If it meant I got to be with Xander, Oz, and the children, I would gladly even turn to the dark.