Title: Smiley Faces Are Dangerous.
Series: Mental Torture (Or the I'm Better at Mind Fucks Than You Are) Series, part 3
Author/pseudonym: Voracity
Email address: to list or voracity@hotmail.com
Rating: a very tame G, for now.
Pairings: none, yet, but it'll be happening soon, I promise. Maybe in a few more parts.
Fandom: Austin Powers.
Archive: okay.
Other website: Voracity.tripod.com
Disclaimers: Do you think I own them? If I did, do you think I'd be living without much furniture and listening to my kittens whine because she's tired and doesn't want to nap? Of course I don't own them, and I doubt the SNL people would be that upset with this, but they get all the credit for the characters.
Summary: Scott's plan becomes a little clearer to his father.

Smiley Faces Are Dangerous.

Doctor Evil watched as his son was led off the small jet and was kneeled in front of a small woman. "Who's that?" he asked his security manager, the one who had taken the film. "How did she get my son to do that?"

"That's his head wife," he said, checking the papers in front of him. "She has jurisdiction over him and over the other women he's married to." He cleared his throat. "She's the one that demanded he be collared until he could relearn his place among them." He glanced up to see the very pale complexion of his boss. "She's very good to him. She owns a small Fortune 50 company, started it herself, and has been teaching him now for the past few months. From all indications, if your son can learn his place a little better, she'll promote him up the chain until he's helping her run the business."

Doctor Evil shook his head and popped another antacid into his mouth, chewing slowly. "Can we break her?"

"Not without a lot of help," the security manager said. "There's no point for leverage and if you tried, she has some very powerful friends that she's trained in the past to come to her aid." He coughed lightly. "Doctor Evil, how explicit do you want me to be about your son's relationships?"

"Very. I want to know what he's planning." He pounded his fist on the arm of his chair. "How dare he do this without my authorization."

"Well, sir, as an under-husband, he's not allowed near his wife's chambers unless she calls for him to come to her." He looked back down. "He is head over the other, lower, husbands, a few of which he's having a relationship with." He paused at the coughing his boss was doing. "Last time we knew, he had one lower husband that he had claimed as his own and three more that they were enjoying together." He shifted his chair away from his boss. "There's also the matter of his children. We can prove four of the six in the compound right now are his, but the others he claims as his own. Scott's will was most specific about what each child was going to get, including those two," he shifted farther away, "and about how they were going to share his votes."

Doctor Evil reached for the buttons and pushed one, not even looking at his security manager as he disappeared in a bright burst of flames. "Then we'll just have to fix him, won't we?"

"Fix who?" Chastity said as she walked into the room. She wrinkled her nose at the smell. "You know, burning animals is a bad thing." She took her seat, wiggling to get comfortable. "So, you called?"

"Yes," Doctor Evil said, giving her a polite smile. "I think it's time we got to know each other a little...better." He gave her his best lecherous look.

She snickered. "Sorry to disappoint and all, but you're way not my type at all. Now, Frau and I could do something, but I really don't go for your species." She stood up, smoothing down her skirt. "Was that all?"

"No, sit," he said firmly. "There's something we need to talk about. In this corporation, we believe that we're the best and should be above others. I've noticed that your ...values don't reflect that. This is bound to make things uncomfortable for you."

She smirked. "Doctor Evil, trust me, nothing you could do would make me uncomfortable. Scott told me *everything* I needed to know." Her smile turned softer. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get my daughter out of school. We have to plan something together." She waved and walked out, leaving her backpack beside the chair.

Doctor Evil noticed the bag when it started to make funny noises...something in it giggling maybe? He got up, going to stand next to it, considering the smiley face on the front. He could just barely hear.... He ran from the room, making it into his bedroom just as the backpack went off with a loud giggle. He pushed the button for his security people, pointing at the obvious mess when they ran in. "That was Ms. LaGrain's. I think I'd like to have a discussion with her. And get me Frau on the line."

"Yes, sir," the head guard said, jogging out with his team. He came back a few minutes later. "Sir, do we call the police on her? Or do we take care of the bomb material ourselves?"

"Hold it for now," Doctor Evil sighed. "I have no idea how we're going to dispose of her with that *insurance* policy my son gave her." He pushed himself off the wall, snatching the phone from the guard's hand. "Frau?" He glared at the wall. "No, our newest board member just tried to blow me up. Get back here." He hung up, going for his bathroom and the stockpiles of Advil and Rolaids he had in there.


Doctor Evil looked across his desk at Number Two. "Are you sure there's no other way to get rid of her without paying that sum of money?"

"Not a one. Scott was very thorough," Number Two said gravely. "If we play this right though, then we can have the law take care of it for us and we'll come out looking very good. After all, I doubt this was her first bomb." He shuffled some papers. "Ms. LaGrain's original name was Julia Dorsant. Her daughter is actually her niece's, and that part of her story checks out." He turned the page over. "But there is something that we missed in her initial background check because of the name change." He looked up. "She's been in an institution before. We couldn't get the details, it's a juvenile record so it's sealed, but it was for a violent offence as far as I was told." He pushed the papers over. "I can try to dig deeper or we could turn her over to the police and let them do this for us this time."

"I can't do that, it goes against my nature." Doctor Evil looked over the papers and shook his head. "Don't the Feds have a team dedicated to serial killers? Can't we turn her over to them?"

"Sir, that's a television show, not reality. The FBI does deal with most of the bigger serial killers but there's no such team." He crossed his feet. "What would you like me to do?"

"I want her *eliminated*," he hissed, leaning forward. "I want this woman out of my way!" He slammed his hand on the desk then picked it up to rub it. "I want her found and taken apart molecule by molecule until she's gone."

"Which we can't do without incurring a large payment to her family and her child," Number Two reminded gently. "Of which we don't have without taking away from your enterprises."

"I know," Doctor Evil sighed, shaking his head. "What do you think's been giving me heartburn." He turned his chair to look out into the play room where his Mini Him was playing. "Maybe we can do it another way," he said quietly, his smirk growing. "Some way that no one would connect with us."

"I can't think of a way, but if we're found out..."

"I know," Doctor Evil said as he stood up. "She's a good challenge for me though; someone I can hone my evilness on." He smirked. "We'll see who comes out on top of this little game of Scott's." He left the office, going to plan his next attack.

"I'm sure we will," Number Two said once he was alone. "Let's just hope that you don't destroy everything doing it." He pushed the annoyance out of his thoughts and turned his attention back to more cheerful matters - the annual report for the stockholders.