Notes: kinda more based
on the tv show off TNT _The New Adventures of Robin Hood_, though since
this *is* Lupin it does lean more toward _Men in Tights_. Minor
crossovers at the beginning. Go here
http://members.aol.com/jimmac747/Cat/RobinHood.html for information.
One Strange Week.
Lupin the Third woke up, which was odd considering he didn't remember
going to sleep. The next odd thing he noticed was that he smelled
wood smoke, lots and lots of wood smoke, some very unwashed people, and
some food smells that he decided he'd rather not know about at this
point in time. He lifted his head and found his best friends in
the world sitting across from him, but something was very odd about
them too. Jigen was smoking a pipe, which he didn't do often and
he never smoked one like he was sucking on now, which looked like a
corn cob pipe. Goemon was being calm and placid while he drank
from a tankard, which did smell like beer, but he was wearing an odd
robe-thingy and his head was bald on top, like he wore a skull cap or
something. "Oh, my aching head," he moaned, holding it.
"Next time, don't drink so much," Jigen told him.
"Yeah, sure, Jigen."
"Huh?" he asked. "Are you feeling all right, Robin?"
"As in Batman?" he asked dryly, looking at his friends. He
noticed Goemon and Jigen sharing a look. "What's going on?
And why are you both wearing really old clothes?" He looked at
himself, grimacing in distaste. "Why am I wearing a ruffled
"Because you said it was the last clean one you had until we could talk
one of the local women into doing some laundry for us," Jigen reminded
him. "Don't you remember, Robin?"
"I'm not Robin."
"Quit teasing, Robin," Goemon said quietly. The inn's door
slammed open and they all jumped up, even though Lupin ached he knew
authority when he saw the uniform and uniforms were never a good
thing. "We should leave."
"We should," Jigen agreed, heading out through the crowd, dragging
Lupin with him. "Come on, Robin. We don't want to have you
captured again. I swear, if we have to save you one more time
from the Princes's guys, I'm going to start making you wear the panties
at night." He dragged him to their horses, pushing Lupin toward
his. "Get on."
"That's a horse." The others looked at him again so he sighed and
got onto it, kinda. He was sitting awkwardly when the horse took
off after the others, so he struggled to stay on.
"I think he's sick," Goemon called to Jigen.
"He must be sick. He didn't hit on the barmaids." He
noticed Lupin was finally sitting fully upright and his feet were in
the stirrups. That was something at least. He looked at
Goemon. "Do you think he got hit on the head one too many times
by Prince John's men?"
"Quite possible," Goemon agreed. "We'll let someone look him over
back at the camp." They headed into the forest, Goemon falling
back to take Lupin's reins and lead him on since he was falling
behind. He and Jigen shared another look. This was not a
Jigen got them into the camp and dismounted, going back to get Lupin
off his horse, dragging him into the herbalist's tent. "Here, we
think he got conked one too many times." He lit his pipe with a
stick from her fireplace and puffed slowly. "He didn't hit on the
barmaids, he didn't seem to know how to ride, and he didn't make fun of
the Sheriff's men."
The herbalist looked Lupin over, then nodded at the cot in the
corner. "Lie him down there. I'll look him over
thoroughly," she said quietly. "Then go run practice for the
boys. They've been in trouble all day."
"Yes, ma'am." He got Lupin lying down and held him down when he
struggled. "Calm down. Let her look you over, then we'll
see you at practice. I'm sure your bow could use a good
workout." He left them there, giving the herbalist a look as he
walked past her. "I'll be in the practice field if there's
news. Friar Tuck is with me."
"That's fine, Little John. Just keep the boys out of my hair and
out of my herb garden if possible. Before I help a few of the
ladies get their wish to be wives and mothers." He shuddered and
went out to do that. It was a good way to wear out the aggression
and manliness most of the younger members of the Merry Men
felt. The herbalist poured some water over some herbs and
got up, coming over to feed the broth to Lupin. "Here, sip
this. It should help your head. Did you drink too much?"
"The last thing I knew, we were speeding away in my car after a heist,"
he told her.
"Car? What's that? A new horse?"
He blinked up at her. "No, a car. An automobile? One
of those things that you drive on roads that doesn't require hay to
fuel?" he asked when she looked clueless. "You don't know what a
"Nay. Must have been a dream, Robin. Sip the broth, it
should help." She looked over as the hut's door flap opened
again. "Who're you?" she demanded.
"I'm a Xander. I got sent here. I don't know why, but I got
sent here. How far are we from LA?"
"You speak my language," Lupin said happily, jumping up to hug
him. "I'm not insane!"
"I can't guarantee that," Xander said sarcastically. "All I know
is that suddenly I'm here. I was in LA. I was fighting a
big, scary monster, but then I woke up here in the forest." He
looked at the herbalist. "Am I dead and doing the Spirit Guide
thingy? Because if I am, I'm going to go kick me some Willow butt
and then spy on the lesbian witches for as long as they live to get
them back for letting me die at the hands of the demon."
"Are you a priest?" the herbalist asked.
Xander shrugged. "Not that I've been told." He looked at
Lupin. "Are you feeling odd?" He nodded quickly, looking
desperate. "Are you dead? Because if you're dead then I'm
probably dead too and that's really gonna suck to be a Spirit Guide
thingy. Though, watching the lesbian witches will be kinda fun I
guess. I'll have to pout because I won't be able to join in or
anything, but I'm sure they'll ignore me. They do that a lot
Lupin put a hand over the younger man's mouth. "Quit
babbling." He pulled back. "Do you know me?" Xander
shook his head, but he was grinning. "What year were you taken
Lupin groaned. "Okay, same time frame. You lived in
LA?" The boy nodded. "I'm Lupin the Third."
"And that means...?" He grinned. "Are you, like, a pop star
"World class thief."
"Ah, no wonder I don't know. Sorry, I'm more attuned to the
demonic and the unholy than anything else these days, but I do get to
watch a lot of MTV with Dawnie, who is going to be so pissed. I
was supposed to help her with her history homework tonight," he said,
slapping himself on the head. He looked around, focusing on the
healer. "So, are we dead and doing the Spirit Guide
thingy?" She shook her head, still looking confused. "Are
"I am," a dark voice said from the corner as he walked out of it.
"I'm quite sure you're not dead, either of you."
"Hey, you're the guy from the Hercules show. The scary, God of
the dead guy. Right?" He nodded. "Then why am I in a
forest with people who don't know me if I'm not dead? And while
you're here, can you maybe help me figure out why the scary bad people
like me too much? I mean, do I give off 'tasty human' vibes or
something? I figured that since you're the scary God of the dead
guy you might know why other scary guys liked me too much."
"It's the babbling," Hades assured him, frowning at him. "No, I
don't know why they like you, but if you don't slow down and breathe
while speaking, I'm going to make you come to Tartarus for a few
weeks. You can sit with Joxer and Gabrielle."
"Can I play with your dog? He seems like such a nice dog.
I'll pet him and brush him and feed him and only occasionally call him
George if you let me play with him now and then. Even if he
slobbers, that's okay. Anything's better than demon ick and
"No, Xander. Sit down and shut up," Hades ordered, weathering the
pout. "Keep it up, I can make you dead and keep you from spying
on those witches of yours."
"I'd have to torment them somehow since it'd be their fault I'm
dead. They're the ones who sent me out for ice cream after
dark." He sat down though, one didn't upset the scary God of the
dead for any reason. There was no telling what he'd do, that's
why he was so scary.
"I can hear your thoughts, kid. I'm not that scary."
"Why are we here?" Lupin asked.
"I have no clue," he admitted. "The last thing I knew, I was
boinking my wife and she was squealing in pleasure. You?"
"I was doing a getaway in my car with my friends, who seem to think
they're part of this world."
"Huh." He shrugged. "I don't know. I can't reach the others
so I can't get you a handy answer for that." He looked at the
herbalist. "Thirteenth century?" he guessed. "AD?"
She nodded, beaming at him. "Aye. 'Tis 1253. Thank
you for making sense."
"Not an issue," Hades assured her. He looked at Lupin, then at
Xander. "Okay, some of us aren't supposed to be here. Kid,
do you see anyone you know?" Xander looked outside, then shook
his head as he pulled back. "That's fine, you can rest yourself
at my place."
"Can I play with the dog?"
"Do you really want to be eaten?" Hades asked dryly.
"Wellllll, no, but it probably wouldn't be the first time. Unless
he rips my head off, because that would be worse than the average
vampire trying for a treat."
"It would," Lupin agreed, wondering how he got in the middle of
this. "Can I go too? I don't care if I get eaten or not,
I'm having Acid flashbacks."
"Nope. You've got to stay here if you recognize people," Hades
told him. "It's obviously your dream."
"It's a dream?" Lupin asked, sounding excited. "Can I wake up?"
"Have you yet?" Xander asked. Lupin frowned at him.
"Usually, I find that dreams after you hit your head or something mean
that you've got to go through the storyline before waking up. Otherwise
it's a nightmare. It's your body's way of saying 'time out, take
a kiddie nap'." He grinned. "Maybe I am a Spirit Guide, that was
pretty wise for me."
"It comes from experience," Hades reminded him. "You keep getting
hurt, boy. If you'd quit doing that, you wouldn't have to worry
about being a Spirit Guide or a ghost."
"Yeah, but it's not like anyone will *train* me," he said
bitterly. "To them, I'm the bait and I don't care what they say,
I'm tired of being the bait. I'd almost rather be a vampire some
days, it'd be easier than being the bait."
"I know a few people who can sympathize with that. Let's go
bother them and then I'll see if I can't send you home, or at least let
you watch those lesbian witches of yours. It'd serve them right
if they put you through this. Or us through this." He
walked the boy off, taking him back through the corner, which was a
normal corner but they passed through it and were gone.
Lupin walked over there, feeling the solidness of the wall. He
looked at the herbalist. "I didn't hallucinate that, did
I?" She shook her head, frowning at him. "Then why am *I*
"You're Robin Hood. You're supposed to be here, Robin. This
is your village of your Merry Men, and a few women who're helping you
now and then. You're their leader and this is your town."
She walked him back to the bed and got him lying down, putting a damp
cloth over his head. "You rest. It must have been a small
fever from the beer being bad."
"But I'm not Robin Hood," he complained. "I'm Lupin the Third."
"Quit teasing, Robin," she said, swatting him fiercely on the
arm. "I'll have Little John take care of the problems
today." She left him there, going to interrupt the practice to
tell the next in charge the bad news. "He's still slightly
fevered," she said quietly. "He believes he's a wolf cub.
Keeps saying he's Lupin the Third." Friar Tuck joined them.
"It appears that you'll have to do administrative things for the next
little bit. I'm hoping it was just some bad meat or beer."
"Hopefully," Friar Tuck/Goemon said quietly. "Can I help?"
"No, I've fed him something for his headache and put him to bed. Come
by tonight to take him to his tent so I can rest too." They
nodded. "Is anyone else sick?"
"No, but most of us won't eat at the Black Swan anyway and that's where
we found him last night."
"Then it's definitely bad beer or bad meat," she agreed. "He'll
be fine soon enough. He's a strong man, Robin is." She
walked off to pick some of her herbs, she'd be making him something for
his stomach as well. That sort of illness always came with the
runs and those could kill a man if not taken care of properly.
Little John/Jigen looked at the other top member of the Merry
Men. "Are we up to this?"
"It's not different than we've done before," he noted. "At least
Maid Marian isn't here to mess things up." He looked at the
staring boys. "Back to work. You've got to make Robin and
King Richard proud." They went back to their sparring. "Why
"I don't know," Little John offered, considering it. "They are
crafty creatures. They are very silent predators. Maybe
it's his totem animal? I know the Druids have been onto him to go
on a dreamwalk or whatever again."
"Perhaps that's why he was at the Black Swan," Friar Tuck agreed, going
to tell the herbalist that. At the very least it might help her
treat him easier.
Little John picked up his staff and went back to helping the new
boys. He saw one girl on the sidelines and stared her down.
"Do you think you want to join? There are a few women."
"I could try," she agreed, coming over to take one of the boys'
staffs. She faced off with Little John, trying her best.
She still ended up disarmed and on her butt in the mud. "I'm
"No, it's fine. You'll be joining the class from now on," he
offered. "If you're brave enough to try, you're brave enough to
learn. Besides, even if you don't fight, you'll need it to
protect you from your husband some day," he teased. She blushed
and giggled, then headed off for the river to tell her mother. He
tossed the staff back to the boy. "I'll expect you louts to help
"Aye, Little John," they chorused.
"Can we work with the bows?" one younger boy asked. "I wanna be
like Robin when I finish growing."
"First you learn this then you work on the bows," Little John reminded
him. "If you're good today, I'll put you out to help trap
meat." The boy beamed and pounced the boy next to him, working as
hard as he could. He wasn't the best but he was enthusiastic
about these things. "You can see, you can do it," he told the
others. They went back to work, practicing to become one of the
Merry Men some day.
Lupin woke up in the same hut he'd went to sleep in.
Unfortunately. He sat up, moving the cloth from his head so he
could look around the dark place. "Hello?" he called softly.
"Go back to sleep, Robin. Your friends will come carry you back
to your hut later."
"I'm not Robin."
"Then you're sicker than we thought and we might have to drill a few
holes in your skull to let out the bad influences," she told him.
"Never mind," he complained.
"I thought so. Now, up you get. If you're strong enough to
argue, you're strong enough to want dinner. We're having deer
"Deer? Like bambi?"
"What? What's a bambi?"
"Never mind," he sighed. He took the bowl of stew from her and
hesitantly ate a piece, and decided it wasn't *so* bad. It was
better than starvation definitely and someone did have a good hand with
the spices since it didn't taste like something that had fur up until a
few days earlier. He ate the next piece and noticed some
vegetables floating in there. "What's that?"
"Potato." He looked confused. "Those things you had the
boys who were being too bad for words plant?" she suggested.
"Oh. Okay." He ate it, he knew what a potato was.
This wasn't exactly like the ones he had at home but he could make due
he guessed. He finished the bowl and handed it back, standing up
to stretch. "If you want, I can go home."
"You're not strong enough to walk. John!" she yelled. He
came rushing in. "He's being stubborn, thinks he's fine even
though he says he's not Robin."
"Robin, quit joking around."
"I'm not Robin! I'm Lupin!"
"Man, those Druids did a number on you this time," he complained,
grabbing him to walk off. "Thanks, Brunhilde. I'll bring
him back in the morning."
"Not a problem, John. Come back anytime." She smiled at
him. "Too bad you'd never go for an old girl like me. Such
a strong man."
Lupin looked at the man who looked exactly like his best friend.
"What's going on, Jigen?"
"What's a Jigen? Is that some new slang term?"
Lupin moaned. "Never mind."
"I hope it's not a bad thing. Otherwise you will be wearing the
"Well, there's not many women here," he pointed out
sarcastically. "Until we can get more women to come in and join
us, we all gotta make due somehow. Usually we flip for it a few
times a month. Remember, you still owe us one since you decided
you *had* to run off and save Marian *again*."
"Marian?" he asked, lightening up a bit. "She's a girl,
right?" Jigen shrugged. "Okay." He looked around,
then up at Jigen. "What am I supposed to be doing? Since
this isn't my usual time frame? There's no place this quiet
anywhere in my world."
"Now I know you're sick, you hate noise." He walked him into the
hut they shared. "He still thinks he's in the wrong time and that
he's not Robin. I don't know what that Druid did to him but she
needs to be stopped."
"We will talk with her the next time we see her," Goemon/Friar Tuck
said patiently. "Get him into bed. He probably needs to
sleep it off."
"Sure." He looked at Lupin. "Go ahead and strip down to
"I can't sleep in pants." He sat down on the cot, undoing his
boots, then taking off his shirt and belt, tossing them across the foot
of his bed. He started to pull off his leggings too but that's
when he realized he wasn't wearing underwear. He blushed and got
under the scratchy blanket, just in case either of them decided to have
a go at him anyway. Maybe being sick wasn't so bad?
Goemon stood up and stretched. "I'm for bed as well. If
you're going to drink with the boys, don't keep us up."
"Fine," Jigen agreed happily enough. He walked out, taking his
staff with him. It never was a good idea to go out without a
weapon these days.
Goemon looked at Lupin. "How are you feeling?"
"Odd. I'm not from here."
"I know you say that now but in the morning things should be looking
better to you." He came over to make sure he was tucked in.
"Rest, Robin. It'll be a long few days until you get better and
we could be attacked at any time by the Sheriff or the Prince."
Lupin scowled but nodded. "As soon as you're better, we'll make
sure you didn't harm your aim with your bow any." He walked to
the other side of the hut and laid down after taking off his
robe. "Good night."
"Good night, Goemon."
"I meant Friar Tuck." He mentally groaned. This was not his
day! He looked up. "Can I at least have the babbling one
back?" he whispered. "Please? At least he'd understand."
"What babbling one?"
"There was another guy there earlier, he babbled a lot. Hades
"Hades? Interesting. Was he ill as well?" Goemon sat
up on his cot. "Or was he an intruder?"
"I'm guessing he was an intruder. He thought he was a spirit
guide of some sort and that this was a test."
"Life is a test," he said wisely. "It's how you prove your
faith. Now go to sleep. I'll read to you tomorrow, Robin."
"Fine. Good night, G...Tuck." He closed his eyes and said a
prayer to whatever God was listening to let him wake up at home again,
before he went insane. Because if he stayed here much
longer, he was going to go insane and no one would be able to stop
him. Especially since there weren't many women. He glanced
over, watching Goemon as he settled in. Some odd thoughts were
swirling around in his head about him. Him and panties
actually. He shuddered and flipped onto his side, staring at the
wall as he thought.
"If you're cold, you can come over here," Goemon said quietly.
"I'm not cold. Just restless." He heard the other man get
up and walk over, then felt the bed dip behind him. Soon a warm
body was against his back and it was a nice feeling. Something he
thought he had missed in the past. He unconsciously snuggled back
into the warmth. It was nice being held. An arm was put
over his chest and he fell asleep listening to Goemon snore against the
back of his head.
Lupin woke up, and realized he was still in the hut since the smell of
a wood fire was very strong. Only now the warmth was against his
stomach and he could feel the breeze from a gap on the wall so that
meant someone was laying in front of him. He opened his eyes,
finding Jigen staring at him. He squeaked.
"Sorry, Tuck said you were chilled so I decided to help."
"That's fine, thank you," Lupin said hesitantly. He gave him a
quick hug then got up and went to wash up. The river wasn't that
hard to find. It was cold but it'd due. He was not going to
bathe less than every few days. He didn't care how many people
thought bathing once a month was cool and necessary. He waded out and
dunked himself, then realized he didn't have any soap. He heard
some giggling and looked over, noticing the girls were staring at
him. "Bathing," he said grimly, dunking himself again. One
of them waded over and handed him a bar of soap. "Thanks."
He scrubbed his bare arms and chest first, then went to work on his
hair. Lye soap probably wasn't good for his hair but at least
it'd be clean and not sticking to his neck.
"Are you sickly, Robin?" one of the women doing the washing
called. "Most of us heat up bath water you know." The other
women giggled at that.
"I couldn't wait. My hair was sticky." He dunked himself a
few more times, then waded out farther so he could clean under his
leggings. Once he was done, he handed back the bar of soap.
"Thank you, ladies." He waded out and was grabbed by Tuck, who
drug him back to the hut and plopped him in front of the fire. "I
needed a bath!" he defended.
"You'll get your death of illness from bathing in such cold water,"
Tuck said firmly. "John, toss him some clothes."
"His are all dirty."
"It doesn't matter, he's not going anywhere today. Not with the
dunking he was doing." John tossed over a pair of leggings
and a shirt. "Thank you. I'll talk one of the women into
doing his for him until we have to rescue Marian again." He
grabbed the towel and went to work on their friend's body.
"Hey! I can towel myself!"
"Hush!" He kept going, forcing the shirt over him. He
peeled the leggings off, no matter how much Lupin struggled. Then
he dried those parts off and put the others on him. "Sit there
and stay warm." He went to hang the wet things up behind the hut
and came back with some broth. "Here, drink this. The
herbalist knew you were being dumb, she saw you already."
"Yeah, you took a bath last week," John reminded him. "It wasn't
time yet, what gives, Robin?"
"I was sticky."
"Then next time don't get happy on days when we don't do the panties,"
John said with a smirk.
"Not that sort," he complained. He sipped the broth, making a
disgusted face. "What is this?"
"Entrail soup," Goemon told him. "It's good for fevers and
hallucinations. Drink it all or we'll have to force it down your
"I don't know, it's kind of fun sitting on him while you force that
down his throat," John offered with a smirk.
Lupin gulped it, he didn't want to go through that. He gagged a
few times but managed to keep it down. Goemon quit hovering so he
was allowed to slump and shift around so his back was to the
wall. "What are we doing today?"
"You're going to keep warm. John will work with the students so
they learn their staff lessons. I'll work on their education and
morality lectures. You'll be staying in here however."
"I can do stuff."
"Hush!" Goemon ordered again. "You'll sit there or you'll go back to
bed. There are no other choices for you at this time. If I
must I'll have one of the new mothers come in to fuss over you."
"Yeah, my sister's just had her eighth baby and she's needing to fuss
over someone," John offered. "'Course my other sister's twelfth
is sickly at the moment but she's about four now. She's been
missing fussing a lot."
"Twelve kids?" Lupin asked. "How?"
"Easy. One a year and the set of twins," he said with a
shrug. "You should remember, you helped deliver the last two,
Lupin shivered and shook his head. "Nope, I think I'd remember
that. Babies are scary."
"Which is why you stay away from the girls. So that they can't
get with child and trap you into a wedding bed," Tuck reminded
him. Lupin shivered again. "John, help me get him back into
the bed. We'll take turns warming him or I'll get your sister in
here to help him."
"Are you sure you want to do that? She's a big girl and might
hurt him by accident."
"That just gives her more of herself to warm him with." They got
Lupin tucked into the bed and made sure the blankets were tight around
him. "There, let's go to our tasks and then come back to deal
with him once he's had a nap." Jigen nodded, following him out to
deal with the others.
Lupin wiggled until the blankets loosened but he was tired so he went
back to sleep.
Lupin was finally allowed out and he got a good look around. There were
a lot of huts clustered around a small open area, which had a bunch of
young men playing with sticks in it.
Jigen saw him looking and smirked. "They're doing good.
Much better this month than last." He waved at the kids.
"You guys keep going. We're going onto the other side of the
river." He walked Robin on, taking him over to someplace more
private. "Here," he said, handing over the bow he stopped to pick
up. "You probably need some practice."
Robin/Lupin looked at the bow. He hadn't really used one of these
before. Crossbows, but not single string bows. He checked the
arrows, noticing that they weren't much different than the ones he had
used before. Maybe he could fake this. He followed
John/Jigen across the river, smiling at the girls giggling at
them. "They're giggling."
"They're girls, they do that." He led the way to a clearing,
pointing at the targets already set up. "There you are, go for
Lupin looked around, noticing it was just them. "No Tuck?"
"He's helping some people write letters to their families in other
shires." He pointed at the target. "Try it, Robin.
Let's make sure that illness hasn't affected you any."
Lupin figured it out quickly, notching an arrow back, then pulling it
back like he saw on the movies. He aimed down the tip of the
arrow and let it go, hitting the bullseye. So apparently it
wasn't much harder than being a crack shot. He notched another
one and sent it at the same area. It got closer to the center of
the target. He took into account the light wind. This one
hit the center and he smiled at his skills. He grinned at
Jigen. "How's that?"
"Not that great. Usually you could split one arrow with a second
one and do it in under a minute."
Lupin looked hurt. "I'm trying!"
"I'm not Robin!"
"Fine, you're not Robin," Jigen said, sounding like he was humoring
him. "Try it again. Try to split one of them. At
least you're not that bad of a shot." He leaned on his staff,
watching as Lupin tried it again and again. He was hitting the
targets cleanly. "Try to split one of them."
Lupin pulled up his last arrow and focused on it, picking the thicker
one to break. He aimed carefully and tried to hit it. He
clipped one of the set of feathers.
"Not that bad. Try it again. Go pull the others."
Robin sighed but he followed orders. He looked over as someone
came through the woods. "He can't split them."
"He's still sick," Jigen told him. Robin came back with the
arrows, but had left one of them up there. He worked his arrow
and pulled it back, getting the arrow this time. It broke off
"Try to split that one, Robin," Tuck encouraged. Robin huffed and
did it. This one split, but not cleanly. "It's close
enough. We have word," he announced. John groaned and
tipped his hat down. "Yes, she needs saving."
"At least someone will be cooking for us again," John said
optimistically. "Where is she now?"
"Prince John's castle. He's trying to move in on Robin's woman
again." Robin looked at them. "Marian's in
trouble. Her maid found a guard and told him."
"We should go save her," Lupin agreed. Finally! A
woman! The only women around him right now were heavy, motherly,
and wanted to baby him for being ill. Even though he wasn't ill,
he was just in the wrong time. He wondered if the real Robin was
with his Jigen and Goemon. "When do we go?"
"Tonight," John told him. "It's not that far." He looked at
Tuck. "Should we do an assault?"
"Is there anything that's coming?" Robin asked.
"No," John admitted. "It could give us a diversion."
"No, we'll be fine without it," Lupin decided. "There's probably
a way we can get in without a diversion. That would just wear out
our troops and possibly get them dead." He looked at
them. "I need to get there to figure out a way in."
"We've been in there before," John reminded him.
"Yeah, but I want a new way," he covered. He gathered up his
arrows, keeping the broken ones out of his quiver. They probably
weren't going to be of any use. "We should change into
something more subtle."
"Why? Usually we steal a uniform on the way in," Tuck pointed
"Guys, humor me," he ordered, walking off. He followed the small
trail back to the river and waded across, making sure his weapons
didn't get wet. He jogged up the other bank, finding more people
in the center of the huts, some on horses. He noticed one of them
had a uniform on and knocked an arrow back, firing on him. Just a
wound but a serious one. Maybe that person would have to drink
the entrails soup. He heard a yell and John waded in, so Lupin
knocked back another arrow, shooting another person with a
uniform. That one fell.
"Robin! Don't kill them!"
"Sorry." He dropped the bow and arrows, wading into the
fight. One guy in a uniform was different so he
focused on him. He seemed like he had some training, but he
wasn't that good. The guy went down to some martial arts moves
and then he got him on his stomach and tied up uncomfortably. He
looked at the next one and he screamed, and the guards gave up.
"Thank you." He looked at John. "Aren't they not supposed
to be in here?"
"Yeah, and they won't remember it either," he promised. "Nice
"Thanks. Having to duck the cops has been very educational," he
said sarcastically. He looked at the people on the
ground. "How did they get in here?"
"They chased a deer, Robin," one of the boys from earlier called,
pointing at the dead deer. "We brought it down and clubbed them."
"Okay then," he agreed, looking at John, then at Tuck. "Can we
make sure they can't find their way back?" They nodded.
"Good. You handle that, I'm going to start for the castle to find
Marian before she gets into trouble."
"Not alone you're not," Tuck said simply. He pulled his sword and
killed a few of the guards, leaving the sheriff alone.
"Huh, a samurai friar. The world is an odd place," he said dryly,
heading off to change into something better to go break into a castle
in. He came out and found someone saddling a horse. "Mine?"
"Yes, Robin. We noticed that you're sick and Friar Tuck said that
your illness was stopping some memories so I thought I'd be
"Thank you," he said happily, checking the saddle before climbing up
into it. This time it was easier, even though his thighs were
protesting being open too far. He smiled at the youngster.
"Do whatever John tells you. I'll be back later." She
nodded, getting out of the way. He kicked his horse into a
trot, heading out of the enclosed village. Someone coughed and
pointed when he paused to look around, earning a smile from him.
"Welcome, John said to watch out for you. You sure you want to go
"Yeah, I'm good for a rescue," he agreed, heading off in the direction
pointed at. "Thank you." He nudged his horse again, letting
it go as fast as it wanted. It apparently wanted to run and he
was okay with that, even though he was holding on for dear life.
He heard hoofbeats behind hin and glanced back, grinning at his two
best friends. "Am I going the wrong way?" he asked as John caught
up to him.
"No, but she'll trip if you don't slow her down," he called over.
"There's marshy land ahead." The horse started to go a bit
"Apparently she knows this." He slowed his horse down a bit more,
which made John look relieved. "I can rescue Marian myself."
"Fine." Secretly he was happy about this. At the very
least they'd be at his back. They made it to the castle later,
about at dusk, and stopped just out of sight of it. He could see
them but they were hidden by the woods and the darkness. Now he
was very glad he had changed into something dark brown.
Below him was a smallish castle. Nothing too grand or
ornate. He mentally mapped where the halls had to be.
Places like this had small, hidden areas, but most of the hallways were
standard around the edges of the walls. He looked at John, who
was staring at him. Then at Tuck, who was staring at him.
"How are we getting in this time? The standard through the
sewer? Through the gateway in disguise? In with the
"It looks like there's a scarf coming from one room," he said, pointing
at the scarf. They looked at him, then at the scarf,
shuddering. "So we'll go in overhead." He got off his
horse, but grabbed the rope and grappling hook. He noticed there
were some trees nearby and headed down to get into one. This
wasn't so hard and it was nearly close enough to get over to that
room. A bit daring, but once it was fully dark out it'd be
better. Overhead, a bit of thunder rumbled, making him groan. He
hated working outside in the rain. He noticed the guards heading
back into the castle and the gate being pulled up. The animals
were being herded inside as quickly as they could. The back gate
was closed as soon as everything was inside. He noticed a few sheep
still outside, whistling quietly at Tuck, who was staring at him.
He pointed at the sheep, getting a nod in return. He checked, no
one was on the walls. They were apparently afraid of rain
too. He got out as far as he dared and tossed the rope over,
catching the edge of the wall next to the window. He tied it
around the main tree. He carefully got up onto the rope, noticing
the small amount of sag, but not too much, and walked across. He
hopped down onto the wall, looking at the tower next to him. It
wasn't smooth. He couldn't get a woman back down it though.
He pulled himself up to glance inside. It was a pretty woman who
was hiding her face. "Pray tell, Marian." The woman
flinched and he ducked off, heading back down the wall since she didn't
react the way he had expected.
"I take it that's not her?" John asked as he walked across the ropes.
"I guess not. She flinched." He looked around.
"Probably." He led the way, going down to the main courtyard,
moving across the shadows to a small door. He ducked down it and
headed through the root cellar to a smaller door and ducked through
Robin/Lupin hurried after him when he heard the first blow, coming out
the other side and pulling his dagger to take out that guard.
Then they snuck down the halls. John found the cell and
waved. "You know, I should start charging sex for rescues," he
said as he looked inside.
He got the shock of his life.
Zenigata? He was Marian?
"What the fricken hell?"
Marian batted her long lashes. "If I must, as long as you don't
besmirch my honor or else my cousin, Richard, will get very upset with
me. Now get me out!" Her voice was husky and
falsetto. It was odd and creeping Lupin out badly.
"Fine." He knelt in front of the door, picking the lock
quickly. Then he got out of the way and let her out. "Come
on. Can we get out through the courtyard?"
"Sure," John agreed. "How're we going to get the rope back?"
"Easy," he said cockily. "Take her with you, I'll get the
rope." John nodded and pulled Marian off, while Lupin took their
route back up to the wall and got the rope. He wasn't sure if he
wanted to run now or not. Zenigata was his Marian? He
was boinking that? He shuddered and got back across the rope,
untying it so he could release it. It fell to the ground but he
could pick it up on his way out. He decided he did want to run
away after all. He climbed down the tree, noticing Tuck had the
rope around a sheep's neck. "We done?"
"The others are on the back of the saddles," he agreed. "Marian?"
"He, um, she's with John."
Tuck grinned. "It's amazing that one of the few families with
that physical problem is the royal family."
"Not with the way they've inbred." He walked off with the friar,
going back to his horse. He couldn't escape now but maybe he
could get away once they were heading back to the village. "What
are we doing about the sheriff?"
"By the time the boys get done with him, he's going to be more ill than
you were when we found you at the Black Swan." He clapped him on
the back. "Here he is and we've got an extra one."
Little John looked at the dead sheep behind him, then at it. "My
horse is probably strongest."
"Good point." Friar Tuck pulled his sword and cut the sheep's
throat, killing it quickly, then eviscerated it right there. He
handed it up, helping John tie it on top of the first one. "We'll
eat good for weeks now." He got up onto his horse and turned him
around, heading back to the village.
"Come on, Robin, you two can suck face back at home."
"Yeah, I guess we can," he agreed, reluctantly heading after
them. Marian was on the back of his saddle and had his arms
around him. He pinched himself but he was still on a horse with a
dead sheep and Zenigata behind him. Now he knew he had been
drugged by someone. Either that or he was in hell. Of
course, if he was in hell, then Jigen and Goemon should be in hell with
him. Maybe not Goemon since he was Shinto and believed in
reincarnation, but at least Jigen should be with him. Instead he
got a semi-Jigen with a staff and no hat most of the time. And Zenigata
as his long-time love. Things were just not fair. He pinched
"Are you all right?" Zenigata whispered in his ear. He nodded
quickly. "I'll gladly pay your price whenever you're ready but
you know what Uncle Richard said about my maidenhood being intact when
he got back or he'd punish whoever took it."
"That's fine. We can wait," he promised.
"Don't worry, we can do it the other way," she/he promised, kissing him
on the back of the neck. "Hurry up, this sheep stinks
already." Robin nodded, making the horse trot a bit
faster. She caught up with the others, smiling at
them. "How are things back at the village?"
"The Sheriff was out deer hunting and ran into us," John
admitted. "We left them in the boys' hands to torment. By
the time they're done the Sheriff will be crying for mercy and so
confused he'll never be able to find his way back."
"Good," she agreed happily. "What are we doing with the sheep?"
"We'll put them into the community pot, with first preference for the
families and the herbalist," Lupin decided.
"Good idea, Robin," Friar Tuck agreed.
"Yeah, it'd help some of the littles to get some fresh meat," John
agreed. "I'll tell my sisters."
"How many families are there?" Marian asked. "I know Sophie was
thinking about capturing her man."
"Oh, she did," John agreed with a smirk. "The usual way, they'll
be a very fertile union." He winked at her. "So, are you
giving it to all of us for helping rescuing you?" She
blushed. "No pressure or anything."
"You're being naughty, Little John." She gave Lupin's stomach a
squeeze. "He's my hero and he'd never make me share."
"Just teasing, Marian, get the stick outta yer butt."
She smiled at him. "Why would I have anything up there?
I've been in that dungeon now for a week. Prince John offered a
few times and threatened once, but he never came near enough to even
"That's good, we'd have to kill him otherwise," John offered. She
smiled at him for that.
"Then again, a woman such as yourself deserves something better than a
mere stick." Lupin offered, though he wasn't sure where it came
from. She gave him a squeeze and he shivered a bit. "Are we
"You said to put the sheep into the community pot, it's best to do that
tonight," Tuck reminded him. "Three of the four are on the long
way home, the other we can trust to one of ours who just married into
the village. He'll send it over."
"Good." They rode through the villages, pausing briefly at
a house while a woman came out and got the sheep from them. The
last one had a man and a woman, who was very pregnant. "One goes
to the other community," he ordered.
"We figured as much, Robin. I'll send it over." He grinned
and patted the baby's stomach. "We'll be namin' 'im after you if
we can." Robin felt himself smile. "Good night, gents, and
Marian," he said, tipping his cap. They rode off again and he
went to get their old horse so he could carry that one off to the next
village. Those four needed to unwind after a good save. It was
the way things were in the Merry Men.
Tuck and John headed to the other bed, leaving Robin and Marian alone,
more or less. John looked at Tuck and grinned. "Flip ya for
"Fine." He flipped John and smirked at him. "I win."
"That's not what I meant. I meant flip a coin, not me." But
he was smiling. It was all good to him.
"Can't you two play outside?" Marian asked.
"No, it's raining, we'll be as sick as Robin was."
"You were sick?" she asked, touching his cheek. "Are you better
"No," Tuck told her. "His aim's still off, his mind's still
befuddled, and he's still having odd thoughts about not being Robin."
"Yet you came to save me anyway?" she asked, giving him a kiss.
"You're one of the best."
"Yeah, well, it's nothing," he admitted, lying down on the bed.
She...he laid down beside him, kissing him again. "Are you sure?"
"You're not contagious or the other two would never have let you out
and they'd be sleeping somewhere else. It's fine." She
kissed him again. One of her hands went under her, working on the
strings tying her dress closed. The other was working on his
shirt. "There, that's nicer," she said, moving closer to
him. She sniffed him. "You smell like you've been sweating."
"It was probably from his dunk in the river the other day," John told
her from where Tuck was working on his shoulders. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. You get so tense sometimes." He continued
to work on the sore parts. "How are the boys coming along?"
"Well enough. We'll have to take them into the woods to finish
their education soon," he said with a small smirk.
"Good. I'll plan it with the parents tomorrow night." He
reached under their cot, finding the small jar down there.
"There, all ready when you are."
"Even better," he agreed with a leer.
Lupin looked up from his forced kissing of his worst enemy and frowned
at him...her. "Are you sure you want to do this with them in
"There's not much privacy but we're used to it," she reminded
him. "It's not like there's kids around." She kissed him
again, making him go limp beneath her. Apparently he was being
shy tonight so she'd have to take charge. After all, such daring
while sick deserved an extra special treat. She felt someone come
over and noticed a pot being put close by, smiling at their friend and
getting a wink in return. Now all he needed was to get rid of
those stupid pants, her skirt, and her underwear, all without losing
the panties to one of the local boys. She wiggled out of her
clothes, shoving them between the bed and the wall to stop a
draft. She'd have to suggest that one of them fix that in the
morning. While she was stunning him senseless, she was preparing
herself for him. "I wish you could take me for real, but I'm
still afraid of what Richard would say," she whispered. She got
on top of him. "You deserve something special tonight,
Robin. You're so brave." She slid down him, making him
hiss. "Calm down. I'm not breaking my vows to my
uncle. Just relax and let me do the work, you poor man."
"Sure," he panted. He knew he wasn't inside his...her female
parts, it felt different and not as wet. This was tighter,
hotter, and it felt different texturally. He hadn't had any this
good in years, he had almost forgot what this felt like. Then she
squeezed and his mind went blank. At this moment, Pops could
arrest him and chop off his head and he wouldn't care. This was
damn good! He grabbed her hips, helping her move. He could
feel his orgasm coming and gripped her tighter, rolling her underneath
him so he could ride her hard and fast, like she needed and like he
wanted. He could see it all now. Her penis. The small
slit of her womanhood. The ass he was invading. He pumped
faster, making her howl into the pillow. "That's it," he
encouraged. "Let it go, let ...it...go!" He came with a
hard shove into her body and she wailed, letting him yank her a few
times to get him off too.
"It's a damn good thing she can't get pregnant from that or we'd have
to plan a wedding really quickly," John teased from their bed.
"Go to sleep," Lupin groaned, lying down next to his lover, one arm
thrown over her back. "How's that?" he asked gently. She
looked at him and he could see something was different. The eyes,
they were green, not brown. When he blinked they went to
purple. He sat up, looking at her, then at the others. "No
way! I'm not here! I want to go home!"
Zenigata sat up and kissed him. "You've served your
purpose. You have our thanks in this recreation of your
history." She kissed him again and he blacked out.
Jigen Diasuke looked at the limp, naked man on the couch. "I tell
you, one minute he was there, then he was gone, and now he suddenly
shows up here!" he shouted. "You saw him, he wasn't in the car
when you found us!"
"So he snuck off," Fujiko said dryly. "So?"
"So? Did you see him walk through the door just now,
Fujiko? We came out of putting Goemon to bed and he was
there. Naked and there. No clothes, no door to the room
opening, nothing. Just him suddenly appearing. Do you not
find this strange?"
"Are you thinking he was kidnaped by aliens or something?" she asked,
disgust coloring her voice. "Really, Jigen. Are you sure
you weren't hit on the head in that crash?"
"I didn't crash!" he insisted. "The car was still running when
you got there. There was no damage. Pops had been right
behind us and we had crashed he would have got us. For that
matter, frick if I know if it was aliens or not! All I saw was a damn
Lupin opened his eyes. "Could you please quit," he moaned.
"It's bad enough they couldn't wake me from that nightmare before I had
sex with pops, but the aliens were really mean and made me Robin
Hood. I'm going to have nightmares for years!"
"You had sex with Zenigata?" Fujiko asked, looking very disgusted now.
"Eww! You're never touching me again!"
"This coming from the woman who dated the sheep farmer who had a
special liking for some of his flock?" Jigen taunted. "It's not
that weird, I had a dream about being Elliot Ness and sleeping with
some of his guys."
"Doubly eww," she assured him. She stormed off.
Lupin looked back at his friend. "Did you at least wake up before
the nasty sex scene," he asked hopefully.
"Nah, man, unfortunately not. I slept with a few people in
there." He shuddered. "It was nasty. I slept with
Sean Connery's character."
"Eww. At least I only had hermaphrodites and Pops."
"Robin Hood?" he asked. Lupin nodded with a moan, one arm going
over his eyes. "Did you see the babbling guy with the guy he
called the Scary God of the Dead?"
"Xander? Yeah. He started out with me and Hades came to
gather him but wouldn't let him play with his dog." He looked
back at him. "I'm wondering why the aliens had them."
"Can we not discuss this? I don't want to remember being the only
samurai on Mt. Olympus or having to deal with Ares," Goemon called from
Jigen shuddered again, looking at his partner. "Liquor?"
"Love some." He stood up.
"You're still naked, Lupin."
"Not my fault. I was wearing clothes, well, tights and a
shirt. They hadn't invented underwear apparently," he said with a
grimace. "I still can't believe Pops was Maid Marian."
"Yeah, but you were in mine too," Jigen pointed out.
"That's fine, you, Little John, were doing Friar Tuck of the headache,"
he said bitterly. "I got stuck with Pops. Goemon, liquor?"
"Please," he moaned, coming out to grab the bottle. "No more talk
of Xander and Hades please. It's bad enough I had to deal with
him for days and work on his training. I thought I was dead and
in punishment before I started a new life cycle." He shuddered
and went back to the bed with the bottle. "At least he got to
play with the dog." He slammed the bedroom door.
Jigen grabbed another bottle to open, grabbing a third for Lupin.
This was one of those nights they'd each need their own. A
thought occurred to him. "I didn't see Pops."
"I did," Lupin said, gulping down a few drinks. "Much more than I
wanted to know about him."
"I wonder how he was tortured." Jigen poured the bottle into his
mouth, swallowing as fast as he could. "We're gonna need more
"Room service," Lupin said simply. "Call now so we won't have to
Jigen got up to grab the phone and call down for some more
liquor. They couldn't afford to run out tonight.
Across town, Inspector Zenigata was downing his own bottles. "I
don't know why I was Cleopatra, but I never want to see that again," he
was telling his second bottle. "It was *horrible* and Caesar was an