Title: That Little White Bottle
Email address: email@example.com
Archive: do you really want it?
Website: Voracity.tripod.com, but will be moving soon
Disclaimers: like I own these people. Ha ha ha. I can't even afford cable right now, I certainly can't afford these guys.
Summary: Joxer finds out the importance of the little white bottle in xena's pack.
Notes: because I'm currently taken hormone shots to cure early menopause and am about to quit them, I decided xena needed to share my suffering. For all those who have it like I do.
That Little White Bottle
Joxer was looking through Xena's pack for the bag of herbs she had told him to get for her, when he came across the small white bottle. It was a strange white bottle. Instead of a cork, or a stopper, it had a lid that wouldn't come off, no matter how hard you turned it. It wasn't labeled, just a plain white bottle made of something that gave a little when you squeezed it, but it was hard and thick. He found the bag of herbs and brought them both to Xena, sitting down beside her. "Xena, what's this?" he asked, holding up the bottle.
"That," she said as she snatched it out of his hand and hid it in her bra, "is something Ares got from the future. It's for my moon cycle." She sprinkled some of the herbs on the cooking fish and sat back. "He said it was a way to control it so it didn't overrun my life." She took it out and looked it over, shaking it. "I'm almost out too." She shrugged. "I don't need to control it like that anymore. I can do without it." She tucked it back under a breast. "Why did you pull that out?"
"It was on top of the herbs," he said simply.
She nodded. "All right." She looked up at the sun, then around the clearing. "I wonder when Gabrielle is going to come back?"
"She said just after dark." Joxer got up and got her pack, handing it over. "Here, I'll be right back." He headed off toward the river, taking his pack with him.
Xena pulled back out the bottle of pills. "I'll miss you," she said quietly as she hid it in her pack again, this time *under* the herbs. And under her extra tunic and pants for when she wanted out of her armor. "This time next month, I won't have you anymore. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to suffer like every other woman in Greece." She flipped her pack closed and shoved it away.
Joxer had tried to be patient, even Gabrielle had tried to be patient, but Xena was a bitch. A raving, homicidal, mood swinging bitch. Last month, he hadn't even known that Xena was having her moon, but now she was either possessed, cursed, or having it. His mother had had bad ones, but *nothing* like this. He watched as Gabrielle, who had gone over to talk to Xena, ran away crying, and decided in this case the better part of valor was retreating. He walked a little way out into the woods and knelt down. "Lord Ares," he whispered. "Hear my plea. Please, hear my plea. Please give Xena more of those little white pills from the future. Preferably *before* she has a chance to use her plans to take over Greece. Or before she finishes planning on how to destroy Rome. Or maybe even before she starts working on her plan to make all men slaves by cutting off their dicks, preferably before she starts with me?" He sent a silent thanks and stood up, turning around to find Xena standing behind. "Hi. Please don't hurt me."
"Who were you praying to?" she asked calmly.
"My God. I was thinking that maybe he had some more of those pills around, the ones that made you feel better before." He backed away from her as she winced, breaking out at a dead run. Her laughter followed him, but fortunately she didn't. He found a small cave and crawled into it, scaring the animals already in it, and started to pray again. The world needed Xena, they didn't need this psycho bitch. They already had one of those.
A sudden thought came to him. Was this what was wrong with Callisto? Would some of those little white pills work on her too?"
"No, it won't," a deep voice said. "You can come out, she's not here."
Joxer crawled out, giving his God a grateful smile. "Thank you, Lord Ares. Bless you." He hugged him around the knees, sobbing pitifully on him. "Please, just make her normal. I can't take another week of this."
Ares awkwardly patted Joxer on the helmet. "You done?" Joxer nodded. "Good. Get off!" Joxer scrambled back, looking up at him. "I'll go give her some of this. Give it a day." He disappeared, wiping off the wetness. He appeared in the camp, smiling at his favorite former warlord. "Xena, you're a bitch," he said bluntly, pushing her back down when she jumped up. "You're still a bitch and you should have called me for more of the pills." He held out a hand but she didn't take the bottle that appeared on it. "Xena, take it."
She growled at him. "I don't need it. I'm *fine*!"
"Xena, even *Joxer* ran away from you." She looked really upset at that, starting to nearly cry. "I know, the mood swings have started," he said calmly, pulling her up against his chest. "You know you can't go without them, you lose focus of everything that you've ever wanted."
"She left me."
"I know. She doesn't understand. Some women have very easy times on their moons. Those that don't are the only ones who really know."
"Then how do you know?"
"Xena, have you ever heard of my mother?" he asked dryly, letting her go. He held out the little bottle again. "C'mon, take it. You'll feel better. You won't crave that stuff from Egypt any more."
She snatched the bottle and opened it, taking out one of the pills. She swallowed it quickly, and he left. She sat down to wait for it to work, turning over the dead creature roasting in the fire. She wasn't going to eat it, it was burnt, but it had been fun to listen to.
Ares reappeared next to Joxer, who gave him a hopeful look. "Give her a day. And remind me if she runs out!" Then he disappeared again.
Joxer relaxed and smiled. The world was good again.
The next day, Joxer carefully walked back into the camp, and Xena smiled at him. "Are you okay again?" he asked. She nodded. "Thank the Gods," he cried, launching himself at her to give her a hug. "You'll be okay. I promise, I'll even call on him again when you run out if you want so you don't have to."
She patted him on the back and shoved him away. "Whatever. Sit, eat. I'm going to go bathe." She got up and walked off, heading to the hot springs they had camped near for a reason.
When Gabrielle came back, Joxer was eating and looking happy. Xena was singing. "She's better?" she asked quietly.
Joxer pulled her down and told her about the little white bottle. It was important that she know in case he wasn't there. By the end, Gabrielle was nodding. There wouldn't be a repeat episode. They would make sure of it.
Up on Olympus, Ares handed over the spare bottle he had taken from the future to his father, who was going to sneak them to his wife's bather. She was in league with them to make sure Hera never got that bad again. They didn't need another split of the continents because she wanted something called Dove.