I Am Good.
The cloaked figure snuck into the kitchens, holding its precious bundle against its chest. It
nearly laughed as it poured the contents of the bottle it held into the breakfast porridge
pot, but that would wake up the house elves. This would show them he wasn't helpless and
a nobody! He snuck out, smiling down at the house elf who woke up and looked at him.
"Just getting an apple for a snack," he whispered. "Go back to sleep." It nodded and put
its head back down, starting to snore again. The cloaked figure snuck back to its house
and back into bed, putting everything under the bed so no one would know it was him until
he was ready for them to know. Yes, tomorrow would be *very* interesting.
Ginny Weasley looked around at the students. It was cool outside this morning so it
seemed like nearly everyone was eating porridge, except her and Professor Snape. He was
eating a piece of toast when she glanced at the head table. So why was she feeling odd?
She heard a 'pop' and looked around, trying to see who had apparated in or out, but
nothing seemed different. Except there was a space that there shouldn't be at the Slytherin
table. Another 'pop' heralded another empty space. "What the fuck," she whispered,
All around her, students were popping out of sight. When one popped down across from
her, she stood up to look, noticing the baby lying on the bench. "Oh, damn!" she yelled,
backing away. "Professors! I think we're under some strange attack!" Only Snape
responded, coming down to look at where she was pointing.
"That's an infant," he said, looking around. His mouth fell open as more of the students
changed in front of him. "How did this happen!"
Ginny tugged on his arm. "The porridge! Everyone was eating porridge. I saw Ron
eating it right before he changed! It has to be. I had the sausage and gravy, and no
"Get off," he said, getting free of her little hands. "I'll check that myself." He looked
around again. It was him, her, and one Slytherin. He looked down at the table, picking up
a bowl of porridge to sniff. He resisted her attempts to take it from his hand. "Stop it," he
snarled. "We have to find out whether or not this was the cause."
Ginny swallowed, looking like she was ready to cry. "We're doomed, aren't we, sir?"
"Sit!" he ordered, tired of dealing with her.
"Maybe she could call her mother?" Draco called over. "At least she'd know how to clean
up the disgusting smells some of them have already produced." He carefully walked over,
a few of the infants were old enough to crawl around and were doing so. He looked at the
head table. "It must have been powerful if it got Dumbledore." Ginny nodded.
Snape frowned at him. "Potions know no difference between the weakly powered and the
greatly powered." He looked from Ginny, to Draco, then around the room and back to
Ginny. "I'll have to agree, go call your mother and only your mother." The girl nodded
and ran out, avoiding all the attempts to trip her. He looked at Draco. "Call your
teachers. We'll need their help if nothing else." Draco shook his head. "Now, boy."
"Fine, but I don't even want to think about most of them and infants. The whole lot of
them are childless."
"Three of the lesser Banes have children," Snape assured him. "Call, now." Draco sighed but went off to do that, closing the Great Hall's doors behind him. "How on earth am I supposed to handle this?" he asked himself. There were close to seven hundred people in the school including faculty. He looked at the head table. There had been teachers missing. "Elf!" he bellowed, heading for the kitchen. One of them intercepted him. "Go find the rest of the adults and students in the school, bring them here," he ordered. "Tell them it's an emergency and you have my permission to hit Trelawany if she argues." It nodded, looking scared as it left. "Who could have made that potion?" he mused. "It would have to be someone very good." He looked at where Granger usually sat, but not even she would be that arrogant, and none of his Slytherins were that good in Potions. That was something they'd be figuring out later he supposed. First things first, getting someone in to change diapers.
Molly Weasley looked up as her daughter came rolling out of the fireplace. "Ginny, what's
wrong?" she asked calmly.
Ginny grabbed her mother by the arm, pulling her back to the fire. "We've got bad
problems at the school, mum. Everyone's a baby! Including Ron and Harry! They're all
infants but me, Snape, and Malfoy! Snape said to get you and only you there now!"
"Wait!" Molly said, stopping her daughter before she was dragged off. "They're all
babies?" Ginny nodded, eyes wide. "Ginny, was there bad meat at breakfast, dear?" she
asked, testing her forehead with a cool wrist.
"Mother! Now!" she said anxiously. "Otherwise Malfoy will have to change Ron's
"Fine," she sighed, following her daughter back through the floo to the school. They came
out in the Headmaster's office and found Professor Snape standing there. "Babies?" she
Snape nodded. "Someone dosed the morning porridge." Her face fell. "There are nearly
seven hundred crawling infants in the Great Hall at this moment."
"And of course, being a man, you've never done anything with an infant in your life, so
therefore you call on the experienced parents."
"Only the ones with discretion." He gave her a grim look. "Can you imagine what would
happen if this got out to the general public?"
"Or to the Death Eaters?" she suggested lightly. He nodded. "I can get the whole clan
here, get me some of the Banes to help." He nodded. "Where is Professor Methos?"
"I believe he's still in bed," he said dryly. "The man is not known for his personality in the
mornings." He walked off, going to try and figure out how to counter this while she made
whatever excuses were necessary.
Molly knelt in front of the fireplace, calling out to her husband at work. "Arthur, we've
got a situation," she said quietly. He frowned. "I'm calling a family meeting, the entire
clan is needed, including Percy." He nodded shortly and his head disappeared. Molly then
called the paper. "Hello, I need to place an announcement."
The witch on the other side smiled. "Having another child, Molly?"
She laughed. "No, nothing like that. I'm announcing a family reunion and meeting at my
house, as soon as humanly possible about some family matters that have recently come to
light. Please word it carefully, we don't want to alarm them."
The witch wrote something. "How about a Weasley Family Meeting is being called at the
Burrow for 8pm tomorrow night, the soonest we can get it out to them, dear, to deal with
certain family matters?"
Molly beamed. "That's wonderful. How much?"
"Nothing for an ad that small, love. Is it really bad?"
Molly frowned. "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. It's a personal problem." She waved
and signed off, then called her farther flung children. "Charlie!" she said when his head
popped up. "We've got problems. We're having a meeting, come now." He looked
stunned. "Now, son."
"Coming, mother," he replied, still sounding shocked. "Bill?" he asked.
"Find him and drag him too. Tell your boss you won't be back for at least a week." He
nodded and left, coming out of the fireplace a few minutes later with his older brother in
tow. "Good, you're here. Did you get time off?"
"What's the emergency, mam," Charlie asked hesitantly. "Dad's all right, right?"
She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "He's fine. Someone's dosed Hogwarts with a
potion to make everyone infants. It's us, and Snape so far."
They looked stunned and Bill actually fell to his knees with a whimper. "Oh, God. We're
going to have to defend the school and change diapers?"
Ginny came running back in. "Snape said it definitely was a potion," she said, giving her
big brothers a smile. "Come on, we're shifting all the kids back up to their houses and
doing a search as we put them onto their beds." They nodded and followed her.
Molly smiled at their backs, then left a note on the desk saying she'd be right back, heading
for the house. She found Percy glancing around like something was different. "Good, I
thought you'd be the first one here. You're in charge of telling everyone what's going on."
She sat him down, looking at him. "We will not talk about your outburst this summer,
Percy, and it doesn't matter in this instance." He grimaced. "As of right now, everyone
but a handful of people at Hogwarts are infants." His mouth opened and she dragged him
through the floo, taking him to show him. He was the one who had to be stubborn if he
didn't see proof. Percy whimpered and clutched the door. That's when she knew he
understood. She looked at him. "Go back to the Burrow. Get the whole clan here and up
to speed. I've called for a family meeting." He nodded, heading off to do that at a dead
run. "Good, that's settled." She heard a scream and sprinted for the dungeons, finding
Snape on the floor, swaddled in his usual outfits, crying pitifully. "Oh, dirt!" she said
angrily, but she picked the poor baby up. "What did you do, Severus?" She noticed some
of it had splashed on him and wiped it off with a towel, not daring to touch it herself. "You
poor thing. We'll have to call in your former apprentice I suppose." She took him up to
the office, going to call that nice priest fellow. He was a Bane, he could contact the others.
"Father Philip Callahan," she said quietly, not wanting to upset the baby she was holding.
His head popped into the fireplace. "Father, we've got a bit of a problem here at the
school. We need you all, now."
"It's been attacked?" he asked, looking behind her.
"Not exactly. There was a potion in the porridge, this is Professor Snape," she said,
holding the baby up. His mouth hung open. "We need you, now. Please?"
"I'm used ta older kids, but I'll be right there," he agreed, disappearing. He took a deep
breaths before picking up the cellphone Blair had helped him program not even a week
before, punching in a number. "Blair?" he asked in a shaky voice. "We're needed at the
school, now. Immediately, yes." He smiled at the cheerful man. "Bring supplies for
children, I'm sure they don't have any." He hung up and took a deep breath, making the
hard call. He heard the phone ring and ring, checking the time difference. Dirt, Greg
would probably be asleep. He worked nights and it was barely dark out there. The tired
voice that answered made him smile. "Emilia, put Greg on, it's an emergency with a
potion," he said gently.
In Las Vegas, Greg was poked until he opened one eye, then accepted the phone. "How
late am I?" he asked hoarsely. The voice on the other end barely registered. "Huh?" It
said something that made him sit up, turning slowly pale. "No way!" He groaned and
rubbed his eyes. "Shit! And I've got a massive load tonight!" He looked at his wife. "I'll
be out as soon as I can, but I've got to get Grissom into this, Philip. Yeah, as soon as
possible. Thanks. Hold the fort, I'll have Emilia bring baby wipes and stuff." He handed
back the phone and gave his wife a kiss. "You need to head to the school. Someone dosed
them with an Everlasting Youth potion. They're all infants, including Snape." She sat up
and looked at him, eyes starting to tear up. "Please? I'll grab Grissom and call off." She
nodded, getting up to shower and change clothes, then do a quick round through Walmart
before heading over. Greg groaned as he checked the clock, he couldn't even find a way to
have sex before going off to deal with this nastiness - that alone was going to make it a
horrible day. It was an hour before shift so he called the office.
"Sarah, is Grissom in yet? No, something's happened and I need him badly." He sighed.
"Not like that, Sarah, with my real life." He frowned at the phone. "Now," he said in
exasperation. "Unless you want to be drafted to deal with seven hundred children?" He
was put on hold and a rougher voice answered. "Brass, you're not Grissom," he noted,
starting to feel the headache coming faster. "I need to call off. Someone dosed the whole
school with a youth potion. No, we don't know who, all I know is that there's about seven
hundred infants there and the only other potion's person is one of them." He smiled.
"Why?" He shrugged. "I don't think it'd hurt much. Let me call and ask, you tell
Grissom to call me." He hung up and called Philip, getting a busy signal. He called Blair,
getting a busy signal. He called Philip back and got a clear line. "My bosses want to know
if you need the CSI'ers to come help figure out who." He laughed. "Sure, she's on her way
and so am I." He hung up and called the office again. "Brass, it's me. Yeah, if you guys
want to come, go right ahead. Sure, but remember, there are infants there. That means
crawling, grabbing, crying, messy creatures." He laughed again and hung up, going to
take his own shower and put on clothes. He considered calling Sunnydale, but thought for
sure someone else would. Xander Dumass was *the* grump when someone got him up and
the guy was usually taking a nap about now before starting patrol.
Nick Boyle ran into the Legacy's control room, looking around in shock. "Alex, you've got
to come help us or I'm going to end up changing diapers for weeks."
"What are you talking about?" she asked tolerantly.
"Someone dosed my old school with youth potion. They're *all* children." Derek choked
on his sip of coffee. "Please?"
"Sure," she agreed, nodding. "Should we call the London house?"
He shook his head. "Why? They couldn't get there." He smiled. "I'm warming up the
fireplace, get ready." He ran out, going to deal with the practicalities. If only they could
take the chopper, it'd be so much easier.
Willow Rosenburg answered the phone beside her. "Xander's lost phone," she said dryly.
She perked up. "Hi. No, it's me, Willow." She laughed. "Of course I remember you,
Sandburg. What can we do for you today?" She listened, her mouth slowly falling open.
"Shoot!" she said, standing up. Everyone in the Magic Box looked at her; her having an
outburst like that was generally a sign of an oncoming apocalypse. "Of course I'm coming
over, right now," she agreed, nodding even though he couldn't see her. "Hey, I've got my
own way and we can get Xander up." She laughed. "Sure. Thanks for letting us help."
She hung up and the Scoobies started to shift closer. "It's a potions emergency," she
announced. "Youth potion dosed a whole school, Xander's old school." Buffy blinked a
few times. "Seven hundred or so babies." Buffy shuddered and shook her head. "I'm
"I'll be here," he said dryly. "Do have fun." She nodded and went off, going to get
Xander up. She even remembered the phone he had dropped last night. She made it
through most of his protections but the grabbing hand caught her. "XANDER! It's an
emergency!" she yelled.
He came to the top of the stairs, looking down at her. "What are you doing?" he asked
"Someone dosed your school with youth potion. They need us."
He walked down the stairs, releasing her. "Us?"
"Us!" she said firmly. "I can help and I can change diapers."
"Sure." He flicked his wand, changing his clothes from pajamas to jeans. "Let's go." He
took her hand and apparated them to the boundary, watching as she threw up a few times.
"Sorry, it's a nasty trip, I know." He looked around the quiet town, smiling at the peaceful
feeling. "I love this place. I think I'll retire here eventually."
She pulled on his hand, dragging him toward the school. "I know it's nap time and you
haven't had any caffeine but we've got to go, now." He nodded, following behind her. He
heard popping noises behind him and turned to watch as Greg and a bunch of people
popped in. "Calvary?" Willow asked with a touch of humor.
"My coworkers," Greg said dryly. "They want to help find out who did it." He nodded at
Xander, handing over his cup of coffee. "Here, you're obviously not a morning person
"I was taking a nap," he defended, taking a few sips as they walked. He handed it back
when his head started to unfog. "Babies?"
"Babies," Willow agreed. "You dropped your phone." She handed it back to him just as
they got to the doors. She looked at them, then tried the handle. "They're locked."
"Stand back," Xander sighed, lifting his wand. "Alohamora!" he shouted, causing them to
slam open. He glanced at his wand. "I need to get that crack fixed," he muttered as he
walked inside. He stopped to take a sniff. "There's a bunch of Weasley smelling people.
Bill!" he shouted. Bill came jogging down the stairs. "Where do you need us, what really
happened, and how bad is it?"
"Can't you smell the diapers?" Bill asked, grinning at him. "Want Slytherin?"
"Not particularly, but sure," he said with a shrug. "How many?"
"All of them. The morning porridge was dosed, Snape was deaged when it dripped while
he was testing it." He nodded at Greg. "Professor Methos has him and most of the staff.
It's the family, you guys, him, Trelawny, Hagrid, Malfoy, and Ginny at the moment." He
disappeared again, taking the stairs up to the Hufflepuff house. The kids were always
cheerful and not really demanding.
The doors slammed open again, admitting the twins. Who weren't looking very happy.
"What the fuck happened?" the one on the left asked.
"We didn't even send anything up here," the other one added.
"It wasn't us this time," they said together. "Don't even try to blame this on us."
Molly came jogging out. "Good, you're here. Go up to Gryffindor, help Ginny." They
looked skeptical. "Now, before I make you work with Percy." They trotted up the stairs.
"Guys, come see me in a while," Greg called. He smiled at Molly. "Is there any left?"
"There's a lot left, we had the whole cauldron taken down to the potion's dungeon about an
hour ago," she told him, looking at the people behind him. "Are they here to help?"
"We're here to help figure out who did this," Sarah told her.
"That's fine, dear," she said happily. "Go with Greg, he'll get you started and he can help
you get into any of the houses." She heard a wail and sighed. "Please, Gregory, fix this,"
she begged, going back to the teachers. McGonagall had colic and wasn't feeling well at all.
Molly walked back into her house, looking at all the relatives spread around. Arthur's just
older brother smiled and gave up his seat for her. "You look knackered, Molly. What's
happened now?" he asked.
Molly's aunt, who was only six months older than her, looked her over. "This is the second
family meeting you've called, Molly, it's nearly unheard of. We haven't been this together
Molly sighed, shaking her head. "We've managed to keep it out of the papers. Hogwarts
was dosed with a youth potion. Everyone but about seven adults have taken it. We're
having to rely on alumni at the moment to help." She burst out crying. "I can't do that
any more! There are so many of them and only fifteen people including our children!"
Arthur rushed through the crowd to hold his wife. "Shh, Molly, we'll help of course." He
looked at the nodding people. "Anyone who's willing to help, go to the school now to spare
the ones who have been going all day. They've got to be upset by now with so many infants
going off." Almost all the family went that way, the few who didn't went to get some more
help. "Shh, Molly, you've done an outstanding job so far."
Molly gave him a watery smile. "Arthur, make sure Hagrid can't sing to Snape any more,"
"Of course I will," he soothed, heading to take her spot as one of the most experienced
parents there. He walked into the Great Hall and found a group of people he had never
seen. "Hello. Who are you?" he asked.
The older male looked over at him from testing a bowl of cereal. "Grissom. Greg asked us
to help figure out who did this."
"Ah!" He shook the man's hand. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I heard quite a bit about you
during the reunion. You've certainly calmed Greg down, he used to bounce nearly as much
as Sandburg." He went to where he could hear Hagrid singing and someone screaming.
"Hagrid," he called as he walked through the doors. "Why don't you go take care of the
animals and turn in for the night. I'll handle the staff." He clapped the man on the back.
"You've got to be worn out after a day with them."
Hagrid smiled down at him. "S'true, but they're no trouble, Arthur."
"Still, Hagrid, Molly came home crying so I know you must be tired. Go take care of the
animals and I'll stay with these little ones tonight." Hagrid gave him a hug and handed
over what must have been Dumbledore, he had red hair. "Have a good night and get some
rest. Hopefully we'll be able to start dosing people tomorrow." He smiled once the door
was closed. "There now, it's just me and you lot." He clapped his hands together,
Dumbledore was crawling up his arm. "What should we do with you?"
"Baba," Dumbledore said pleasantly in his ear.
"That's a wonderful idea," Arthur agreed. He rang the bell, summoning a house elf. "Are
there any bottles prepared?" It nodded and pulled a tray of them up for him. "Thank
you," he said happily. He had missed doing this, that was why he was waiting anxiously on
the first grandchild.
Downstairs in the lab, Greg and the twins were testing the porridge to see which potion had
been used. They had it narrowed down to three varieties of the same one, but the antidotes
were different for each.
"Mine's negative," Fred noted as soon as the soup turned blue.
"Mine's green," George said, sounding confused.
"That means mine should be the one," Greg assured them. His turned pink and he
cheered. "Yes! I am great!" He flipped open the book, looking up the antidote. "Here we
are, and we can make it in mass batches," he said, handing over the book so they could
look it over. "You guys take the big cauldron in here, I'll do the one on the lawn. We'll
make fifty-dose batches at first."
"One slight problem," George said, holding up a finger.
"It has to simmer for three days," Fred told him.
Greg took the book back, rereading it. "Well, fuck!" he said, frowning at the book.
"Where's a time turner when you need one?"
"Upstairs on the headmaster's desk," the twins said together.
"Second drawer," Fred added.
"Left-hand side," George finished with a smile. "It's a twenty-four-hour one though."
"Even a day is good," Greg noted, glancing around. "Okay, we'll need a place we won't
see ourselves. Where?"
"The special potions room," Xander said tiredly from the doorway. "We're taking a shift
change. Sarah is sleeping in Slytherin, Grissom in Ravenclaw, Nick is in Hufflepuff,
Warrick and Alex are in Gryffindor, what's her name, the older female, is in ...Hufflepuff I
think. And the cop is in Gryffindor too I believe." He leaned against the doorway. "Do
not let Willow help you play with time, okay?" They nodded, smiling at him. "Good. I'm
going to crash. Greg, your wife's here with a lot of diapers and baby wipes. Kiss her well
for us." He wandered off, going to nap on a couch somewhere. If he went to his own room,
he'd never hear anything and get up. He found a nice couch in Slytherin, next to Draco's
head, and laid down, nearly instantly asleep.
When Greg walked in an hour later, he smiled when he saw Xander's fingers tangled in
Draco's hair. "Those two are so cute," he told himself, going to wake up Sarah. Grissom
said they were doing a tower-by-tower search now. He found her crashed in the first year
boys' dormitory and shook her until she swatted at him. "Grissom said to get up, we're
doing a house-by-house search now." He helped her off the bed and went to make some
necessary calls. There were about six things he needed that the school either didn't keep,
he couldn't find, or they didn't keep enough of on hand. By the time he was done, Xander
was awake and looking at him so he gave him a short smile and created a mirror above his
Xander looked up at himself, noticing where his hands were. "Huh," was all he said as he
untangled the soft strands and sat up. Draco groaned and he gave him a short hair stroke.
"You rest for a bit longer," he said calmly.
Draco opened up an eye to look at him, then noticed the mirror. "Who put one of those up
there?" he asked.
"I did," Greg told him. "That way you could check the carpets before rolling off the
couch." He stood up. "We're doing a house-by-house search, want to help?"
"Sure," Xander agreed, checking the floor for infants before standing up. "Are we having
any luck with the potion?"
"I've started the twins on making the biggest batch possible, but it's going to be three days.
There's no way we can use the time turner, we've been all over the dungeons." He
shrugged at Draco's critical look. "Three days."
"And right after that, we'll be having a test in Transfiguration," Draco said dryly as he
stood up. He went up the stairs to the bathroom and came down in clean clothes with wet
hair. "Should we start in here since we're the ones people usually suspect first?"
"Sure," Greg agreed, "but I think we're doing Ravenclaw first." He stretched a bit then
shivered to let his muscles resettle. "This is an outrageous potion to make, it takes weeks of
"Granger?" Draco asked dryly.
"Was infantized as well," Greg told him.
"I doubt she'd do that to herself. She's not that badly off for needing attention," Xander
"That sentence made almost no sense," Draco informed him.
"We've got tea in the kitchens. Let's head there, then Ravenclaw, then we'll do this one,"
Greg ordered. They nodded and followed him out. Fortunately, the people dealing with
the children were keeping them quiet and calm tonight. They grabbed something to drink
and some rolls to nibble on their way up the stairs, Sarah running after them a few minutes
Brass looked up as Xander broke the lock on the door, giving him a look. "You enjoy that,
"It's actually my job," he said smugly. "I find lost things." He finished his tea and put it
down on a table.
"Take it back to wherever," Catherine Willow demanded. A little creature popped up and
took his mug off the table, then Draco's and Greg's mugs as well, then disappeared. "What
was that? That's the second one we've seen but they seem to disappear very quickly."
"Those are house elves," Draco informed her. He had a lot of respect for the woman, she
scared the shit out of him. "They enjoy their servitude and keep the place clean and
"They also cook meals, spoiling the students who treat them well, and can get a lot of
people in trouble if they think it'd help," Greg added. Draco looked at him with a classic
'huh' expression. "Sandburg was very good about prompting the house elves to get all of
Ravenclaw in trouble. We're not sure how he did it, but he was excellent at it. They never
had so many house searches as they did during our days," he said smugly.
"You're still the only Slytherin the Gryffindors could ever stand to be friends with,"
Xander reminded him, patting him on the back. "How and where?"
"Let's each take a room," Grissom told him. "Greg, what would a potion like this need to
be in? We can identify it because it creates funny reactions on the blood test."
"A glass jar or something like a large beaker most likely," Greg said with a long scratch to
the back of his head. "It can't be too large or it'd have been left in the kitchens. But, if we
can find a cauldron with it, that'll be just as good probably. We might still have a case of
someone framing another."
"Fine. Let's take two to a room to get this done faster," Brass told him. "We called home,
they're most excited that we got called into an international case."
Greg smiled at him. "You guys wanted to come," he reminded him.
"Good point, and this is not what I expected from a magic school."
"Wait until the stairs change with you on them," Warrick said dryly. That had been one
trip he hadn't really wanted to be on. Someone knocked. "It's open."
The portrait opened and Nick Boyle walked in carrying boxes. "They said to bring these
up here, this is the only house with an empty storage closet," he said as he carried them
around the group and over to a hidden door. "Pantry." The door swung open and he
stuffed the boxes in there, taking the others from his helper, Alex Moreau, to stuff in there
as well. He kicked the door shut. "Any luck?"
"Three days brewing time," Greg told him. "Who's pried Madam Hooch out of the broom
shed? I remember her being afraid of children." Nick shook his head. "Wonderful, want
to sic someone on her?" Nick shook his head again. "We've got three days, we'll need the
Nick sighed. "I guess it's better than polyjuice." Alex gave him a sideways look. "It's a
potion to make you be someone else for a bit," he explained. "It takes a month to brew and
"Okay then." She smiled at Warrick. "Hi." He blushed and she laughed, walking over to
give him a hug. "See, it's not so bad all the time."
"No, there's not a single knife-wielding maniac around," he agreed, hugging her back.
"It's a nice change from our date."
"Yeah, it is," she said with a light sigh. "I'd better get back to helping with the
Hufflepuffs. They're so nice, but they're also so clumsy."
"Yes, that does describe most Hufflepuffs," Draco agreed. Xander swatted him. "What?
Were you sorted over there as well?" he taunted.
"Your mother said I could spank you," Xander reminded him. Draco's eyes went wide.
"Thank you. Hufflepuffs are sorted over there because they're *nice*, Draco. Would you
really want to room with one if they had been put into Slytherin?"
"No," he admitted. "Cheerful people annoy me. I like to hurt them more than I do
Potter." He gave Xander a smug look. "I volunteer for the girl's side."
"Not a chance," Brass told him. "You're with me, Greg, you take the amazing one there.
Ladies, you take the girls' side. Warrick, Nick, Grissom, fit yourselves in." He headed up
"Other side," Greg and Xander called.
Brass stopped to look at them. "How would you know? Neither one of you were in this
house from what you've said." Both men blushed. "Never mind. I don't need to know."
"It's a boarding school, you spend nine months a year here, of course you sneak in and
grab lovers," Xander said as he trudged after him. He and Greg started at the bottom,
letting Brass and Draco take the top floor first. They met in the center, then headed back
downstairs. Only one cauldron had been found and it had tested negative for the potion.
They looked at each other. "Draco offered to help us do Slytherin next."
"Hmm, we're usually the first blamed," Greg agreed.
"Why? Were you pranksters?" Catherine asked as she straightened his collar for him.
"No, we're mostly the power hungry, or already powerful, and sneaky bastards," Greg said
Xander coughed. "And some of us were so good, we started there and were resorted." He
winked at Draco. "I can arrange that for you if you want."
"No. Way. In. Hell."
Xander beamed. "Come on, it'll be fun," he teased. "You can room with Ron and Harry,
work on that project together, all of it."
Draco gave him a shove when he moved closer. "I can and will eviscerate you while you
sleep, Dumass, remember that," he ground out as he walked away, leading the way to his
house. He found Ginny Weasley in there walking a baby. "How did you get in?"
"Easy, I asked," she snapped. "It's your bodyguard who's being cranky, you deal with
him," she said, holding out the baby. Draco backed away, giving it a look like it was the
most horrible creature in the world. She snorted. "Thought so. I'm sure you'll do fine
with your own, Malfoy."
"Ease off him," Xander warned. "People who were raised by house elves and nannies
don't understand children." He took the baby to hold, making it belch on him. "There,
better now?" he asked, handing it back. "We're doing a house search." He let everyone
else in, watching as they split up. "Ginny, you know your housemates. Who could have
done this in Gryff?"
"No one," she automatically said. He grimaced. "None of us are that malicious. Skill wise,
Hermione could have. There's a few fourth years who might be able to pull it off, but I
don't think they would."
"What about your brother?" Draco asked. "He fumbles a lot but they seem to find the
She frowned at him. "If Ron had done it, he wouldn't have dosed himself, even if it meant
getting caught. He's said repeatedly that he hated being so small. The twins used to pick
on us by taking all the toys and hiding them on us." She walked away, taking the baby
back upstairs. "She doesn't belong in that bed," she noted as she put the boy down. "She's
a girl and a third year if the badge on her shirt is correct."
"I think they've been putting the babies onto whatever bed is free," Sarah told her. "This
one's a Ravenclaw if I remember the tie colors correctly." She got out of Ginny's way,
letting her rearrange the children to suit herself.
When the search turned up nothing, they met back in the common room, in front of the
fireplace because it was chilly down there.
"I'm going to call off for the search of the other two houses, I've got to check on the twins,"
Greg noted, heading for the door. Grissom followed him to see the classrooms, he had
wanted to see them earlier but had gotten caught up in the search.
Xander looked at the other students. "Ginny, should we even bother with Hufflepuff?"
"They'd gossip and it'd have been known about," Ginny told him.
Draco snorted. "They can't even keep their affairs secret from anyone, a real plan would
be beyond them."
"Unfortunately, he's right. I hate it when I have to agree with him," Ginny pouted.
"Don't feel bad, I once had to agree with a Nazi during a philosophy class because I
believed in part of his theory. It made for uncomfortable thinking," Catherine said, giving
her a pat. "Are you related to all the redheads we've seen?"
Ginny smiled at her. "I've got six older brothers. Most of the adults are Dad's family."
Catherine looked shocked. "We're a small community and we Weasleys have always done
our best to help repopulate it after the periodic purges." She glared at Draco. "No matter
who wants to bring them back."
"Do you see a mark on me?" he asked coldly. "Do you think I'm joining my father?"
Xander put a hand on his back, stroking in small circles. "I know you won't be, Draco.
You're smarter than they give you credit for and you wouldn't follow along with something
that wasn't absolutely certain not to come back badly on you. Besides, the guy's an idiot.
He can't beat an infant, why should he deserve your loyalty?" he said gently. Draco gave
him a look and he smiled. "There were a lot of people who thought I'd go to him during
the first war and I proved them all wrong too, even though I was never extreme in my
views on half-bloods."
Draco nodded. "Thank you for believing me."
"Sometimes that's all that matters," Xander agreed with a small smile. Draco smiled back.
Sarah coughed to break in between them. "Would this other house be warmer?"
"Sure," Ginny agreed, "follow me." She led the way up to their house, smiling when the
stairs changed in the middle of the procession. They all waited for the few stuck people to
rejoin them, then went up to the Fat Lady's portrait. "We're doing a search for whoever
did this awful thing," she told the painting. "These are the good guys."
The Fat Lady sniffed. "I suppose so, but Slytherins?" She glared at Xander. "And you?"
"And me," he agreed happily. "I can do to you what I did to Ravenclaw's door." She
opened and they trooped inside. "Ginny, help them do your dorm if you wouldn't mind,"
he ordered, sitting down to warm his feet. Bill was asleep so he nudged him. "Wakey-wakey. We're doing a search and at least one child will scream their head off."
Bill glared at him. "I only just laid down."
"Oh, never mind, I've gotten a few hours then," Bill sighed as he stood up and stretched.
He followed the groups up, going to check on the babies.
Grissom and Greg walked in a few minutes later, finding Xander asleep on the couch in the
warm spot left by his former apprentice. Greg smiled and called a blanket for him,
nudging Draco to follow him. "Which rooms haven't been done yet?" he asked as they
walked past Brass and Grissom.
"The top three."
"Okay, we'll start at the bottom and work our way up. Looking over Snape's notes, there's
not many capable students in this house." He walked into the fourth year dorms, helping
Draco search that room, and making sure he didn't break anything. They walked into the
next dorm and found a quietly fussing baby, so he let Draco handle it. "Get him," he
ordered with a hand wave as he moved to search Ron's things.
Draco sat down, looking askance at Longbottom. "What's your problem now?" he asked.
He shifted and his foot clanged against something metal. His eyes widened as he did it
again. "You're not capable of that," he said as he pulled it out and held it out. "Test this
Greg took it and ran a swab around the inside edge, getting a fast result. "It was this
cauldron. WE FOUND IT!" he shouted. Draco glared as all the babies woke up.
"Greg, never scream around children, you scare them," Grissom said as he walked in,
taking the cauldron to test it for himself. "Where was it?"
"Under this bed," Draco announced, shifting so his feet were on the covers and so he could
watch Longbottom. "He's no good at potions. He's the most common cause of lab
accidents. Professor Snape makes more fun of him than he does Potter."
"Which is a very good reason to prove that he can do it," Brass pointed out. "Humans are
like that, even your kind." He looked at the boy. "What's he like?"
"He might as well be a Hufflepuff," Draco snorted. "He's one of those sweet and nice
targets to play with. Never good in anything outside Creatures and Herbology. Not brave
at all. We all think he was missorted. He's one of Potter's friends," he said with a wave at
Harry's bed. "Helps out a bit when he doesn't trip over his feet."
"Yeah, well, kids like that often want to prove themselves," Catherine assured him. She
came out with a glass beaker and held it up. "That look about right, Greg?"
He took it and held it up to the light. "With as much potion as was poured in, definitely. It
wouldn't even come up to the middle line on this one." He tested that one and sighed. "It
"Can we do a skin test and find it on him?" Sarah asked. "Just to make sure? I'm getting
the feeling that he's the perfect person to blame this on because no one would believe it."
She picked the baby up, looking at his arms. "He's got a burn by his elbow."
Greg looked. "That's a metal burn. I've had a few. Mostly from picking up a hot
cauldron." He looked at Draco, who shook his head. "No chance from classes?"
"Not a chance. He blew up his last one last week," Draco said quietly. "It exploded and a
lot of us had to get pieces picked off ourselves." He looked at the cauldron in the plastic
bag, nodding. "This is his. It's got his initials on it, like all student cauldrons must have."
Xander came up the stairs with Hagrid, who had woken him up by the look on the younger
man's face. "What's going on?" He took Neville to hold since he was fussy. Then he
noticed who he must be holding by the hair color. "Longbottom did this?" He looked at
Greg. "Wasn't he one of Philip's confidence building projects?"
"In Potions," Greg agreed. "He's got cauldron burns and Draco said he had to get a new
"Well, dirt," Hagrid said, taking Neville to hold. "What'd you go and do that for, Neville?
You've always been such a good boy."
"I think that's the problem," Catherine said, getting out of Sarah's way so she could crawl
under the bed. "He's also supposed to be very bad in potions."
Hagrid nodded. "The worst. Professor Snape's said time and again he's had to shield the
room from him." He looked down at Neville. "I'm glad I don't have to call your granny,
Neville. She's gonna yell like she hasn't in years."
"I'd say," Draco agreed dryly.
Hagrid looked at him. "What're you doing in here, Malfoy?"
"Helping. I found the cauldron," he said coolly. "What are you doing in here?"
"I'm about the only adult up who's been in here."
"Get one of the Weasley parents," Xander told him. "They can be impartial and it's better
if they speak to his grandmother parent-to-parent."
Hagrid nodded. "I'm not lookin' forward to that talk at all." He handed Neville back and
went to find one of them.
Xander soothed the fussy baby. "It's all right, Neville. Why would he have taken the
"I remember him taking a deep breath before eating," Ginny said miserably. "I thought
he was blowing on it." She touched the baby's head. "He can be expelled for this and he's
a really nice guy."
"Bad things never happen to the really nice guys," Brass told her. "They get extra
leeway." He steered her and Xander from the room, then motioned Draco to follow. "Go
sit somewhere with the baby to watch over him. Greg, see if you can find an antidote."
"It'd be visible. It takes seven drops to each one of this to cure it," Greg told him. But he
went through the boy's trunk, coming up with his herb box, which he took and bagged.
Someone was running up the stairs so he looked out. "Hey, guys," he said with a smile.
"Take this, test it for the actual potion to make sure it's right," he said, handing over the
"Sure," Fred agreed, nodding. "Your wife's having a screaming fit at someone."
"Coming," Greg agreed. "Be right back. Look for blue liquid." He hurried after them,
going to save his wife's victim. He found her at the front door, sneering at some badly
dressed woman. "Leave, now," he ordered.
"I will speak to the Headmaster and no one else," she demanded. "You can't stop the
"I can sure as hell change you," Greg told her. "The Headmaster is extremely busy and he
does not allow reporters into the school." He slammed the door in her face, then glanced
outside. He saw her change, that's why he did the net spell. He carried her into the
Charms classroom and released her into a glass cage, putting the lid on so she couldn't
escape. Then he leaned down to look at her. "You'll find I'm not nearly as nice as the rest
of the Banes," he hissed. "People like you annoy me." He left her there, going back to get
a hug and a kiss before going back to work. He even managed to get in a few gropes
during the kiss to make himself feel better. He met everyone on the stairs and led the way
down to the dungeons, lighting a fire quickly so Sarah's teeth would quit chattering.
"Sorry, it gets cold down here."
"That's why Snape picked it for his classroom," one of the twins reminded him.
"He's not exactly one to make the world a friendly place for most," the other agreed.
"Do you drive your mother insane with that?" Nick asked.
They both looked at him. "She was insane before we came out," they told him.
The one of the left grinned. "We simply helped her a bit further down the path." He
winked at his twin, who laughed.
"Sanders, did you happen to notice where our wonderful muse and teacher might be?"
"She's in Ravenclaw napping," he said with a smile. "Go, I've got this." They ran off,
going to get cuddles. He grinned at his coworkers. "They're so cute. They're in love with
a prankster as bad as they are." He settled down to test the potion, just in case the
porridge had hidden any imperfections in the original. He came up with nothing. So he
used his wand to stir the antidote, making it slosh around a bit. "Oops, bit out of practice
with such large cauldrons." He got up to manually stir it. As soon as he was done, Brass
coughed. "What?" He looked and found them all there, with their gear boxes. "Right,
back to work," he said with a smile. "I'll get someone to make you guys a portkey." He
led them back to the main entry, finding Philip and Nick talking about something. "Guys,
can you get my coworkers home? You know how I am with personal transportation."
Philip smiled at him. "It's the fear of landing in that Turkish prison again," he teased
lightly, giving him a hug. "How's it going?"
"Two more days of brewing," Greg said, smiling at Nick. "You want one too?"
"No thanks, I've got Alex here for that." He looked around. "Hey, Alex, there's a shuttle
going home," he called. She came running down the stairs. "You want to go?"
"Sure." She smiled at the group. "I'm not that great with kids."
"Us either," Sarah assured her.
"Besides, Yun's probably missing you by now," Philip said with a smile. "How is he?
Greg told me about him."
"He's good," Sarah told him, looking a little confused. She looked at Greg. "Did you help
He shook his head. "Not a bit. As a matter of fact, Emilia tried to stop you but you
disappeared before she could find you."
"Oh." Her face fell. "I guess Immigration's going to be our next fight then," she said,
walking outside to look up at the stars. She screamed, bringing everyone running. "What
is that?" she asked loudly, pointing.
Philip looked at where she was pointing. "A Giant," he said, looking back at her. "I'd say
it's part of Hagrid's family." He summoned a large branch, turning it into the portkey
back to Las Vegas. "Nick, you want to go with them?"
"Nope. I hate apparating back," he reminded his best friend. "Greg?"
"Sorry, but that only leaves the twins as capable brewers and they're sucking face with Tip
Philip laughed. "When aren't they?" He rolled his eyes. "Being that age, and her being
hers, it's only natural that they hit each other's primes." He looked around. "I'll go with
ya, then come back after I pick up somethin' for the house." Everyone grabbed on, like
they had back at the office, then they were off.
All except Catherine, who had sneezed at the wrong time. "Oops."
"We'll get you back," Greg promised with a smile. "Come on, I'll help you into the floo.
You'll come out in my house." He led her inside and into the staffroom, preparing the
fireplace for her. "Step inside and say *clearly* Safe Haven Smut City."
She looked at him, looking very unsure, but did as he said. "Safe Haven Smut City." Her
scream of terror followed her all the way home.
Greg sent home her case so it wouldn't get shaken up, but then nearly clicked his heels. He
caught Philip's eyes as he walked back in and they laughed in unison. It chilled anyone
who had ever heard it, including the twin's fiancé, Tipsy Ramvette. She was a champion
prankster but even she gave the right of way to Greg and Philip when they were in a mood.
Three days later, Albus Dumbledore woke up in his own bed. He felt a bit muddle headed
but nothing that a good breakfast wouldn't cure he supposed. He sat up and swung his feet
around, putting on his slippers. Then he stood up and looked around what should be his
room. The bed had looked like his, it had the same curtains with the same thin spots. He
looked at the curtains again. Yes, it was his bed. Then why was he in the stables beside the
unicorn? He gave her a bemused look. "I'm sorry, did you want to use it?" he asked,
getting out of her way so she could use his bed. It was a magical school after all and
strange things often happened. He walked up to the school, still slightly confused, but sure
a good breakfast would cure the worst of it. He went up to his actual room and quickly
dressed himself, then went down to the Great Hall when he noticed what time it was.
He found the students in there, chatting like usual. So apparently it had only been his bed.
He sat down, looking first to his left to nod to those teachers, who all looked rather normal.
McGonagall was wearing a fetching hat that day so he gave her a smile and a nod for it.
He looked to his right, at those teachers, and paused. His fuddled mind took a moment to
see that something was off. Then it realized what it was. Severus Snape was wearing a
rose pink tutu and am electric blue one-piece leotard under it. And he was smiling about it.
He blinked a few times and his vision cleared, showing him Professor Snape in his usual
all-black garb. He smiled and nodded at them, determined to put it out of his mind. He
looked over the students. Mr. Malfoy was picking on one of his ...bodyguards. Mr. Potter
and Weasley were picking on each other. He leaned closer to McGonagall. "Why does
Harry have red hair and Ron black?" he whispered.
"I don't know," she whispered back. "It's nearly as scary as Snape's dance outfit. I'm
about to cry, Albus, do something," she pleaded.
He patted her hand and smiled at Harry. "Mr. Potter, come here, please," he called. "I've
a question to ask you." Harry walked up, smiling happily. He leaned down. "Why is your
He touched his hair. "It's not, sir," he told him.
"It is," McGonagall assured him. "And Mr. Weasley seems to have your hair." Harry
glanced back at Ron, frowning, then looked at her and slowly shook his head. "Yes, he
"Professor, perhaps you should go to the infirmary," he said gently. "Please? We'd hate
to lose you for even a day." He went back to his seat, telling Ron all about it.
"I believe I will do that," she noted, standing up and walking away. On the way there, she
passed an unusual sight. It seemed that the ghosts had chained up Peeves and were using
him as some sort of pinata. "Dare I ask?"
The Bloody Baron smiled at her. "No."
"That's fine then, please don't disturb the students." She went up to the infirmary and
laid down like a good girl. She was starting on her worst headache ever.
Downstairs, Dumbledore excused himself to take the message the house elf was holding on
a silver tray. He frowned at the contents, but then looked at the Longbottom boy. He
nodded at the house elf. "Send him to me in an hour," he instructed. It nodded and ran
off, going back to its duties. He walked back to his seat and sat down, wincing as what
could only be described as the world's loudest fart went off - complete with realistic smell.
"Oh, dear," he said in the suddenly quiet hall. "I had no idea that was coming. Excuse
me." The students laughed and cheered. He went to his office to save himself more
embarrassment. He hadn't realized his stomach was that touchy that morning. "It must
have been the air in the stables," he decided as he sat down behind his desk.
A few moments later, Professor Flitwick tapped on his door and walked in. "Albus, I just
received word that the door to Ravenclaw and Slytherin were broken," he said calmly.
"Has anything strange happened around you?"
"I woke up in the stable this morning but nothing outside the norm," he admitted,
frowning. "Was Mr. Dumass here?"
Flitwick shook his head. "Not at all, and even if he were why would he be in Ravenclaw?
Slytherin I can understand, though I suspect that Mr. Malfoy would have let him in
without him having to break the door, and the Gryffindor door would have let him in as
well. Why Ravenclaw?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Ask the portrait, see if it has some idea. If it does, please tell
me." Flitwick nodded quickly and left. Dumbledore relaxed in his chair and a quieter,
realistic fart sighed. "Oh, dear. I know that one wasn't me. I didn't feel that one at all,"
he noted, standing up to examine his chair. He found the small red bag and held it up to
look at it. "Whoopie cushion? Why would that make you want to have carnal relations?"
He tested it but it was clearly a muggle object. "Perhaps I bought it many years ago and
didn't realize it," he said, storing it in his desk.
Argus Filch stomped up the stairs and through his door, glaring at the Headmaster. "I
demand you stop Snape from smiling! It's torture!"
"He's ...smiling?" Dumbledore asked. Filch nodded. "Then I shall speak with him of
course. Thank you, Argus. Oh, would you be a dear and have someone retrieve my bed if
the unicorn is done with it?" Filch looked at him like he was mad but left to do as he
asked. No one really denied the old man anything. Dumbledore settled in to try and figure
out why he needed to talk to Longbottom about his potion. What potion? His grade in
that class or was it a specific potion? He was still feeling very confused.
From downstairs, a great number of students laughing caught his attention but he couldn't
figure out what they could be laughing at. They should still be at breakfast if his clock was
Tipsy Ramvette closed the viewing portal, smiling at her pranksters. "You two are so
good," she told them, giving them both cuddles. No one had realized she had stayed at the
school with them for a few days. Her animagus form was so small that she could hide in
their pockets and no one would ever be the wiser that they were carrying around a pure
Fred smiled, a dopy, lovestricken look. "The best pranks are the ones where they know it's
something but can't quite figure it out," he agreed.
"Dumass nearly ruined it for us," George said, grimacing at a wall, "but I'm sure they can
be talked out of thinking it was him."
Tipsy laughed. "Someone really should give the boy an everlasting key, but I think I'll
leave that up to Draco after he breaks his door one too many times." She winked and
changed down, crawling into Fred's pocket today, it was his turn to carry her around. She
looked up at their messy, black hair and beamed at her own brilliance. She had taken what
Philip and Greg had wanted to do and brought it one step higher. Confusion would allow
her to reign supreme! She was the Queen of Pranks! On the way out the door, she
squeaked at the Fat Lady's portrait, winking because her dress was now white with large
black dots, just like a cow. Let's see how long it took for some of the student to cry because
they couldn't find their house door.
The Fat Lady looked down at herself and sighed. "I haven't seen this dress in years," she
said pitifully. "That woman must be around." She shifted position, trying to find one that
made her look less rotund in this dress. She didn't want to look like a cow, it made her
The next morning, when everyone got up, everything was back to normal. Those who had
seen Snape's outfit the day before were still giggling, but he hadn't been aware of it. Those
who had noticed the more subtle changes in the school watched for them, noticing that the
more subtle, the longer they were lasting. The Weasleys all had bright red hair again, so at
least that was back to normal, though Harry Potter was presently a Malfoy Blond. It made
him look odd but some people thought it was very cute, Ginny included.
Malfoy didn't, he pouted until the mail came, then he smiled at the nice present he received.
The chocolate covered emerald ring made his whole week. It took him nearly an hour to
get all the chocolate off it and it did fit his hand rather well if he had to be honest about it.
He took his free period outside, like the note had said, and found himself sitting next to his
keeper suddenly, in another town. "How did you get me here?"
Xander grinned. "These are the ruins of the family home," he said, putting an arm behind
Draco's back to steady him. He pointed out the features that used to be there, before the
fire. They could see a small bit of building starting from the rubble, and Draco breathed in
when the front room rebuilt itself. Xander breathed in his ear. "It's one of the better
charms I've ever found, the one to make a real home," he whispered, then he stood up and
the bench was back at the school.
Draco took a few deep breaths. He stood up and headed inside, the bell had just rung by
the way everyone was moving. He had Charms so he walked in and up to the teacher.
"How would a home building charm work?" he asked.
Professor Flitwick smiled. "They're very complicated, Mr. Malfoy, but I have a wonderful
book on them if you'd like to look through it." Draco nodded so he called it over, handing
it to him. "There you go. That is a beautiful ring. A family heirloom?"
Draco held it up to look at it, noticing the family crest floating in the center of the ring.
"Not my family," he said quietly, then he smiled, showing it off. "He covered it in chocolate
for me. I had to lick it clean."
Flitwick smiled. "I'm glad he's taking such good care of you, Mr. Malfoy. Sit down so we
can proceed with class and I'll help you send him something later."
Draco paused. "How did he move the bench there?"
Flitwick laughed. "That is something I cannot tell you. He will have to. I'm sure he knows
the spell by heart, he's supposed to have moved his camp each week without breaking it,
fires and all." He pointed at Draco's seat. "Go sit." Draco nodded, going over and sitting
down. Goyle looked at his hand and whistled. "Yes, it is pretty, but we must move on to
something more whimsical today," Professor Flitwick announced. "Today, we will be
doing gust charms. These are often used to open doors or to take someone's cloak off them
when they enter covered in mud. I'm sure most of your parents used one at some point."
Most of the students nodded but Draco got the most wicked look on his face, making the
Professor very happy he had caught the clue. That should teach Dumass not to break the
lock charms on the paintings from now on.