Why Xander Should NEVER Drink.
 
 
 

Xander walked Anya around her favorite jewelry shop.  It was the week before their wedding and he wanted to get her something nice to wear, even though all this browsing was boring him to tears.  He firmly squashed down the little voice in his head that was shouting 'you don't have anything in common and this shopping trip proves it' and pasted on an interested look as she told him about the necklace she was looking at.  Why would she want a bull's testicle on a silver chain?  He handed over his wallet without a protest though, 'cause he loved her.

***

A month later, he was back in the store.  It had been a long day and he had gone out with the boys, and of course they had talked about women over their beers.  He missed his woman, even the bad parts.  So here he was in her favorite store and starting to wonder why. He looked around; oh, yeah, he was here to buy her a present that would make her smile at him again.  He gave the salesgirl a pitiful look.  "What should I buy her?"

"Which her?" she asked with a smile.  She loved to tease the boyfriends.

"Anya," he sighed.  "I messed up badly."

She nodded, having heard about him.  "Yes, you did, Xander Harris.  I don't think we have anything here that will make her forgive you."

He shrugged.  "I just want her to smile."

"That we can do," she said positively.  Maybe the girl would take him back, obviously he had something she could work with.  She led him over to the earring rack, pointing out a small set of hoops with a single stone in them.  "She's been looking at these."

"They're singles," he noted with a frown.

She nodded.  "They're for piercing things. Which one do you like?"

He looked at the stones, then pointed at one of them.  "I like that stone better."

She smiled.  "Good for you."  She opened the case and pulled out that earring, showing it to him.  "Are you sure you want this?"  He nodded. "Want me to put it in for you?"

He thought about it.  Did he really want another hole in his body?  This was supposed to be for Anya.  "How will that make her smile?"

"She'll smile," she assured him, leading him over to the chair she had behind the counter.  "She'll smile so often, every time she sees you with it."  She pulled on a pair of gloves and smiled down at him again.  "Are you sure you want that ring?"

The little voice in his head started to shout something, but the alcohol was making him sound like an old, scratched record. "If she'll smile, I'll be happy," he told her, taking off his shirt.  "A nipple ring?"

"It'd probably work best there."  She opened the sterile piercing kit and pulled out the needle.  He flinched.  "Close your eyes. It won't hurt that much, Xander."  He closed his eyes, but yelped and jumped when she shoved the needle through his left nipple.  "It's all done, let me put in the ring," she soothed. She turned over the ring and frowned at the instructions.  "Wrong side?" she muttered, rereading them.  "Oops."  She shrugged.  She didn't believe that these things worked anyway.  Who believed in demons being real?  She slid in the ring and frowned as the clasp disappeared.  "Uh-huh."  She backed up and took the gloves off.  "All done," she announced.  "That'll be sixty dollars."

He pulled out his credit card and handed it over, but he didn't look so well.  "It itches."

"It'll do that for a few days," she told him.  "Mine itched for about two weeks but it got less after about a week."  He nodded, starting to look happier again. "Show it off tomorrow, but ice it tonight to bring the swelling down."  She watched as he touched the sore spot, and found herself getting wet.  "I can help you ice if it you want," she offered.

He shook his head.  "No thanks."  He signed the slip and took his card back, putting it into his pocket.  He accepted the small bag with the pad that had held the earring, and left, wobbling home.  On the way, he kept touching the nipple to try and make it quit hurting so much.  He unfortunately missed the female vampires getting into a fight behind him about who would get him. He also missed the few human females turning to watch his butt as he walked past them.  Or them getting eaten by the female, and now jealous, vampires. He stumbled into his bed and fell onto his face, starting to snore within seconds.

***

Xander looked around as he scratched his chest.  Work had made him sweaty and the sweat was making his new hole itch worse.  The cheerleaders watching the guys work sent up a loud moan and he shook his head.  They had to deal with watchers and cheerleaders every few days, but never this large of a contingent or that loud of one.  He looked at the other guys.  "What's with them today? Someone rub themselves with viagra or something?"

The crew foreman laughed, clapping him on the back.  "It's just an odd day."  He nodded at where Xander was scratching.  "Problems?"

"I, um, kinda got drunk and stupid last night. I woke up this morning with a new earring," he said with a grimace.  "It itches."  He scratched it again and the women screamed in joy.  "Man, they're weird today."

"Take off your shirt and give them a good look," one of the other guys called down from the second floor of the building they were working on.  "Give 'em a real show."

Xander shrugged.  He was dripping with sweat anyway.  He took off his shirt and the crowd got quiet.  "See, it's not me," he called back.  He scratched the nipple ring one last time and headed into the building.  That's why he didn't see the speculative look given to his ass by a few of the other guys.  He picked up his hammer and started putting up framing for a new wall, losing himself in the mindless work.  It gave him a lot of time to think about other things, like his disastrous relationship situation.  He pounded his thumb and was sucking it as the lunch whistle blew, walking out like that.  The women seemed to have disappeared and he was grateful.  This was calling up bad memories for him.  Love spells gone wrong were not something that made for pleasant dreams.  He sat down to eat his lunch, closing the pail when he noticed the worms in his sandwich.  Anya may not be able to curse him, but she could still get him good sometimes.  The guy across from him gave him a funny look.  "Something got in there," he explained, showing off the worms.  "I've got to do something about that."  He pulled out his wallet and counted money; he had enough to buy lunch from the little cart on the corner, and hey, junk food!  He remembered to put on his shirt as he passed his car and saw his image.  "Hey, that ring looks good," he told himself before pulling his shirt off his belt and putting it on.  He walked slowly, enjoying the breeze that seemed to miss the job site.

***

Xander walked over to his car and leaned against the side, pouring water over his face.  Being crew chief didn't get him out of work when half of his crew went to Vegas and forgot to come back so he was really overheated.  He heard a small moan but when he looked around, no one was anywhere near him.  So he shrugged it off and got into his car, using his damp shirt to wipe his face.  As he drove home, he saw groups of women on the street, but most of them seemed to be window shopping, not such an unusual occurrence even though there were more than normal.  He parked in front of his building and cut the engine, checking around carefully before getting out.  "Those cheerleaders got to me," he muttered as he slid out of his car and hurried into his building.  He made sure the bottom door was locked because he wouldn't be going back out until after dark.  The normal Wednesday scoobie meeting.   He had just enough time to shower and make himself something to eat before he had to be at the Magic Box.  He glanced around before unlocking his door, noticing the neighbor's wife was out in the hall, lounging in a neglige.  He gave her a faint smile before slipping into his apartment and locking it as tightly as he could.  He had known she was freaky from the noise they put out, but really.  He stripped off his clothes on his way to the shower, dropping them on the floor on the way.

"Ahh," he said once he walked under the spray.  "Nice water."  He closed his eyes and just relaxed, letting all the stupid anxieties flow out with the water.  "Good water," he murmured as he grabbed the shampoo.

***

Xander walked into the shop and stopped.  The girls were all staring at him and salivating.  "Uh- huh."  He looked behind himself.  No studly guy carrying major amounts of chocolate.  No half- naked men with long manes of hair.  Just him.  He turned back to them and scratched absently.  "Did something happen and you kept me out of the loop again?" he asked carefully.

"No, just thinking you look really nice today," Willow told him.  Anya snorted from behind the counter.  "He does!" she protested.

"I'm sure," Anya said.  She looked at Xander, then started to frown. "You have a glow," she noted.  She turned off the register and walked closer, sniffing him.  "When did you bleed?" she asked, walking around him.

They all jumped as the door was slung open by a group of women.  "Get him!" they called, pointing at Xander.

"Shit!"  He hid behind Buffy.  "What is going on?"

"Another love spell?" Buffy asked dryly.  He shook his head, and started pulling her backwards.  "Where are we going?"

"Closet.  Lock me in."  He scurried into the closet and the door was shut and locked.  "Thank you!  And no, I didn't have that spell done again!" he called.

From the other side of the door, laughter started.  Female laughter.

"Shit," he muttered, searching in the dark for the light string.  He found the cord and pulled it, sighing when the light didn't blow.  It would have been his luck.  He found a hammer and some nails so he closed the door in a more permanent manner.  Let them get through it now!  Then he remembered the love spell and Willow with her axe.  He moaned and curled up in the corner, reaching up to turn off the light.  Hopefully they wouldn't see him if someone found an axe.  After all, there were only sixteen of them around the shop.

Outside the door, Willow looked at the women standing around.  They were chatting with Anya about what they were feeling while she listened.  It sounded like a love spell to her.  She caught Anya's eye and nodded her closer.  "Is it a spell?"

"No," Anya told her.  "Incubus charm."  She smiled.  "The stupid idiot turned himself into a temporary demon."  She looked at the door as nails started to go through the frame.  "I don't think he's coming out anytime soon."

"Trust me, an axe works in this situation," Willow told her, walking over to talk to the door.  "Xander?"  He made a noise.  "Did you do any spells recently?"  He made a negative, whimpering noise.  "Did you change anything?"

"Piercing," Xander called.  "Bag's on the counter in my kitchen."

"Why did you get a piercing?" Willow called back.  She looked over as more women filed in, and her eyes opened wide when she noticed there were some men joining them.  "Buffy!"  She turned and waved, then made her way over. "Guard the door while I run to Xander's apartment.  He got a piercing and that might be it."  Buffy nodded, leaning her sword against the door so she could pull a chair over.  "I'll be back in a jiffy."  She ran out of the store, heading down the street.  She met up with Spike halfway there, literally running into him.  "Hey," she panted.  "Walk me to Xander's?"

"Why?  What's he done now?" Spike asked, putting out his cigarette.  "Gone and gotten hurt again?"

"No, he did something that's attracting people."  Her 'stupid idiot' was left unsaid. "So I need walked over there."

"Sure, was bored anyway," Spike sighed.  They'd feed him if he cooperated with their little plans.  Why would the boy have done something to attract people?  He had just broken up with the demon chit.  He followed Willow into the building, smiling at the nice welcome mat in front of the door.  Stupid of them, especially with the boy living there.  He got stopped at the doorway while Willow looked, raising an eyebrow when he saw the name of the shop on the bag.  "Why was he at a demon shop?"

"I don't know," Willow sighed, tucking the bag and whatever was in it into her pocket.  "Come on, let's go close the shop so we can fix this."  She closed and locked the door, locking it magically too so no one could break in and be waiting on him when he got back.  The walk back to the store was a bit slower, but the crowd was flowing out the doors.

"Bloody hell," Spike said in awe.  "He drew all those?"  He snickered when he saw the guys in the crowd.  "Them too?" he chuckled, pointing at them.

"Probably not intentionally," she noted with a frown.  She pushed through the crowd, making it to where Buffy was sitting.  "Found it."  She pulled out the bag and waved Anya over.  "He went here," she said quietly.

"That's my favorite store," Anya said with dismay and shock.  From inside the closet a groan floated out.  "Why did you go in there, Xander Harris?"

"Because I wanted to get something to make you smile," came through the door.

She snorted and crossed her arms. "If you had wanted to be a demon, I could have gotten you appointed.  This was just dumb."

"I was drunk," Xander called softly.  "I just wanted to make you smile again."  Something thumped against the wall.  "Can we get rid of the groupies?"

"Guys, the store is closing," Willow called.  "We've got to close the store before the police come."  The group slowly started to go away, with many of them stopping to buy cute little trinkets.  When everyone was finally cleared out Buffy stood up and pulled open the door, getting out of the way of the nails she had dislodged. "Come on out, Xander," Willow called.  She frowned as he took off his shirt.  "What are you doing?  We don't want to see that?"

Anya burst out laughing.  "A succubus charm on the incubus side!" she laughed, pointing.  "You fucked up so very badly.  It explains everything!"  She smiled at him.  "See, smiling," she told him, smirking at him.

"Yeah, I see," he said dryly.  "It was the girl who did the piercing, not me."  He sat on the table.  "Can you fix this?"  He scratched the itchy spot and Buffy moaned.  "Um, sorry."  She smacked him across the back of the head. "I didn't do it on purpose."

Willow pulled open the bag and looked at the little form inside.  She pulled it out and read it, then slapped him herself.  "Why didn't you read this?"

"Repeating here, did not pierce myself.  The girl who works at Anya's favorite store did.  You'd think the salesgirl at the demon store would know what she was doing."  He looked down at the earring.  "Isn't this supposed to have a clasp?"

"Yes," Anya said, still smirking.  "But once you put those on, you're set for life.  You're always going to be a marker for the sex demons.  Did you want me to put in a good word for you?  You may be a bastard but I never had any complaints in bed.  You managed to keep up quite well and always managed to please me whenever I wanted you to.  I'm sure they wouldn't mind taking you on.  With some training and some restraints, you could keep up with most of them."

"Not helping," Buffy told her, blushing.  "We don't need another demon around here."

Willow glared at Xander.  "See what you do when you're not watched?"

He glared back.  "Like I said, not my fault," he ground out.  She stepped back, looking hurt.  Tara glared at him from her position near the window.  "I didn't mean for this to happen.  I didn't want this to happen.  I'm still having flashbacks from that damn love spell!" he shouted.  "I didn't ask for this to happen again!"  He pulled on his shirt and left.

"Someone should follow him," Anya put in to break the silence.  "He's a walking target for any horny person."

Spike and Buffy hurried after him, but they couldn't find him anywhere.  In truth, a manhole cover had suddenly turned into a portal as soon as he stepped on it, sucking him to wherever it went.  On the other side were demons, who were all staring at Xander quite strangely.

"Hi," he said, waving.  "Can I please go home now?"

One of the demons laughed. "No.  You can't ever go home.  Who appointed you?" he asked, moving closer.  Xander struck out, hitting him hard. "Ow, grumpy," it said in a pouty voice.  "I was only trying to be friendly.

"Yeah, well, I didn't exactly ask for this," Xander pointed out, starting to pout himself.  "All I wanted to do was to make my ex laugh and smile for a few minutes and this happened!"  He threw up his arms and sat down in a conveniently empty chair. "I don't like when this shit happens to me."  The demons all made soothing noises and he noticed one of them was leaning against his calf.  "No, not you guys too," he whined.

"He's certainly got the mouth for the job," one demon across the waiting area told another one.  "I wish I could get instant admittance to the college like he has."  The other nodded, glaring at him.

"Like I said, I don't want this," Xander said in a louder voice so they could hear.  "I'd gladly let you have the stupid piercing if you could remove it without damaging me.  Though, at the moment," he admitted in a quieter voice, "I'd be willing to lose that nipple."

The doors in front of everyone flung open and a flamboyant demon walked out. "Hello, children. Who's come to apply?"  He licked his lips when he saw Xander.  "Human, how interesting," he purred.

Xander flipped him off.  "Some little salesgirl at a demon shop mispierced me and didn't say I was going to turn into a sex magnet.  Can you fix it or do I have to get more violent?"  He pulled off his shirt when the higher demon came toward him, making a few of the waiting demons sigh in delight.  "I knew I was a demon magnet, but really, people," he said dryly.

"Why did you pick out that one?" the higher demon asked after examining the stone.

"Because I was drunk and my ex, Aynanka, had been looking at them with lust a few days before I broke it off with her."  The other demons hissed.  "Sorry, but I thought I was doing her a favor.  I got a glimpse of our future and she wasn't happy, and neither was I," he finished on a sour note.  "I wanted better for her than to be stuck with me."

"So you went and got pierced?" another demon asked, stunned. "Why?"

"Because I wanted to make her laugh," Xander told him. "I was a little bit more than drunk and the girl helped me pick it out and put it in for me."  He looked at the higher demon.  "Can you *please* take this thing off me?  I don't mind if the random vampire pants after my ass while I'm patrolling, but I don't think I could take another surge like I got earlier."

"Well, my boy," the higher demon said with a smile.  "We'll have to see.  Usually those charms are permanent.  We have one instructor at the academy who *might* be able to do something about it, but you'll have to ask him.  Come along."  He pulled Xander up.  "The rest of you line up in an orderly fashion and we'll interview in a few moments."  He led Xander off by the hand.  "You wouldn't have to go through that anyway," he told him. "The charm chose you like you chose it.  Otherwise, it would have already come out."  He led him through a maze of hallways, ending at a small metal door, which he politely knocked on. "The charm bit the *wrong* person," he called at the grunt from behind it.  The door opened, showing a *huge* demon standing on the other side. "This is Alexander Harris, and he didn't know what he was doing."

"So?  He can suffer like the rest."

"I'm a friend of the Slayer's," Xander said quickly.  "I was trying to make my ex laugh.  I didn't know!"  The demon looked him over.  "Truth, I was drunk when I chose it."  The demon beside him groaned.  "Sorry, but it is the truth.  I was trying to make my ex, Anyanka, laugh for a few minutes.  Please? Before more bad things happen?"

"What sort of bad things?" the big demon asked.

"Things like the horde of women who tried to cop a feel a few minutes ago, or at least that's what I assume they followed me for," he said at the incredulous look. "It's happened in the past, a botched love spell."

"You really don't get along well with that subject, do you," the big demon said, opening the door further.  "Come in. You can be a lesson for the class."  Xander gulped but he stepped inside.  "This is Alexander Harris."  One demon in the back raised a hand. "Yes, Brittany?"

"From the Hellmouth, sir?" she asked in a little purr-kitty voice.  Xander nodded.  "Then you're friends with the Slayer?"

"I'm her normal person," Xander told her.

"We'll be doing a life review," the teacher told them, and him.  "It appears that love and he are at opposite odds."  He pointed at a small stool.  "Sit there, Mr. Harris."  Xander walked over and sat down.  "Thank you.  You may want to close your eyes so you don't have to relive most of this."  He did so, squeezing his eyes shut.  "Now then, let's start back at the beginning.  When did you first have sex?"

"First real sex or just sex?" Xander asked.  A picture of Faith popped up and the crowd shuddered.  He opened his eyes.  "Yeah, she broke me in, it took all of three minutes," he said flatly.

The demon looked at him. "We need to go back further I think."  He put a hand on Xander's head, putting him into a catatonic state, but releasing his memories to be shown.  "There, that should help the reception some," he announced.  Pictures started flowing by quickly and out of time order, but the demons could understand them. This was an upper level course and they'd be getting information on their targets the same way.  One girl squeaked when they came to the part with Faith, but a glare quieted her down.  The love spell gone wrong was watched twice, then his life went forward again.  By the end, a few of the future incubi ad succubi were frowning and taking heavy notes.  They hoped to never run into a case like that.  One succubus in training was crying because it was all so sad.  The rest were a little confused.  They didn't see why there was such a problem.   The teacher looked at one of the ones taking notes. "Would you release him?"

"Yes.  He'll be miserable as one of us," the incubus told him.  He carefully formulated an answer.  "The human has had such troubles that he could only take on special cases.  He'd never be able to drain his victims because of who and what he was, plus he'd have problems with his former friends hunting him down.  I think it'd be the merciful thing to give to Professor Arrragn and let his class work him over as a test until he died."

"Good point," the professor agreed.  "Are there any differing ones?" he asked, pacing in front of the class.  One succubus, the one who had been crying, raised her hand.  "What did you have to say?"

"Can we take it off him and leave a few of the gifts?" she asked with a delicate sniffle.  "That way it might improve and counter his other problems?  Or at least make him celibate by confusing his natural impulses? I didn't see any interaction with men in his history."

"Very good point," he agreed, giving her a smile. Which made her shudder.  "What about the charm being permanent?"

The first girl to have spoken raised her hand. "We could always trim his nipple, or bite it off, thereby releasing him from the charm."

"The charm burrows its way into his nervous system," the boy taking the notes pointed out.  "It's not fair, but it is permanent.  Hence me suggesting we give him a merciful end.  Making him celibate will only cause him more problems.  What will he do if he ever finds someone he wants to spend time with?"

"Could killing him have even deeper consequences?" the succubus who had been crying asked.  "We don't know what his future is.  What if he saves all of us from dying or something?"  The incubus snorted.  "In his life, he's done it twice.  He saved everyone from Glory.  Did you want to work under her?" she asked, firming up emotionally.  "Or for that matter, with the Hellmouth opening, we'd be shit out of luck on victims.  It's not like we can eat vampires, lovie."

"Both excellent points," the professor agreed, breaking up the fight.  It was counter-productive in this case. "We can check on his destiny.  Should we let him know what we're doing?"

"He'd fine," the succubus pointed out.  "If you're going to go with the merciful death option, I'd lie and tell him it's the only way to cure him. By the time he realizes that the succubi and incubi over there aren't helping it will be too late."

"If he responds," the professor noted.  "He was in the waiting room and didn't react at all.  All the other candidates were aroused when they came in.  He wasn't in the least bit aroused."  The class gasped.  "Yes?" he asked one succubus who had been taking notes.

"I think we should release him and give him enough of a boost to overcome his natural problems," she said quietly, in a polished yet sultry voice.  "Doing so would make him more thankful to our kind, making him less likely to kill us.  Doing so would also be good PR for us.  As pointed out, his job is such that killing him is probably going to be futile.  Even if it doesn't look like he's done anything, each vampire he stakes is one who won't be feeding on someone else and we'd have to check all *their* destinies as well.  That would be more of a life's work than a class project."  She smiled and the professor nodded for her to go on.  "Also, counter balancing his natural inclinations would help us in other ways.  He's miserable.  I don't think even the most experienced teachers, not even Lilith, could get him to touch one of us voluntarily.  Not even if he didn't know what we were. He's much too cautious and this will make him more so.  We've seen how he went long periods of time without sex, and I'm guessing that he'd be able to do it again, even indefinitely, but that would make the rest of us miserable."

"That's never been proven," the professor pointed out.

"Yet, we all know when a new group of monks makes a vow of celibacy," she reminded him.  "We feel it, sir, and I know we'd feel him the same way.  I don't appreciate that ache at all and I'm sure the rest of us don't."  Her classmates nodded.  "So I would suggest releasing him with some tampering and using him as a thesis topic or something, putting a long-term watch on him to see if it helps."  She smiled.  "If it does, then it might bear looking into for those other celibate cases and those poor people who are so confused that they make us ache."

The professor thought about it.  "Those are excellent points," he told her.  She beamed and shifted, bouncing her massive chest.  "Does anyone have a counter argument?"  No one said anything.  "Then that's what we'll do.  How should we remove the charm?"

"A slim bladed knife," the incubus told him.

The succubus who had been crying perked up.  "But make him think one of us bit it off, at our own expense, sir."

He snorted. "Fine.  Who will do it?"  The whole class raised their hands. "We'll need a steady hand," he said, picking the incubus.  He always liked them more.  He manifested a knife and handed it over.  "Go for it, Servetna can do the memory manipulation."  She beamed.

***

When Xander woke up, he was in pain.  He clutched his chest and moaned.  Spike was the one who found him, since he was in his crypt and all, and carried him back to the Magic Box.  "Found him lying in my crypt," he said in disgust.  "Looks like he ripped it off."

Willow knocked Xander's hand out of the way and looked at the smaller nipple. "It looks like it was cut," she said thoughtfully.  "Xander?" he groaned.  "What happened?"

"Big mouth, large bite," he whispered.  "Pain killers?"

"Coming right up," Buffy told him.  "Where did you go?"

"Demon university."

Anya gasped.  "They fixed it for you!  They *never* fix that sort of thing for anyone!"

Xander rolled his head to look at her.  "They said you deserved it."  He thumped his head on the table. "Ice pack and pack killers?"  They were both brought for him and he gratefully took them.  "No more piercings for Xander."

"You know, I heard about this other thing, where people split bodily organs in half," Anya put in.  Everyone stared at her.  "Well, I did!  They start out with tongues and some of them even go so far as to split their dicks into halves," she said proudly.

"I'm not doing that," Xander whispered.  "I promise, I'm not doing that."  The girls laughed at him but he knew how close he had come.  He remembered most of it up until he was knocked out.  That was okay though, he wasn't going to be an incubus.  He could deal with anything else.  Except Anya.

THE END!

For those of you who don't believe Anya's story, it was a new story off Yahoo:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20030621/od_uk_nm/oukoe_life_tongues plitting_1 (if it's still there, they get rid of stories after a while)